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How dare he try to bribe me, thought Moist. In fact, that was his second thought, that of the soon-to-be wearer of a gold-ish chain. His first thought, courtesy of the old Moist, was: how dare he try to bribe me so small.
Hey, you. Yes you. I'm looking for some... information. What, you can't disclose that? Maybe this shiny new quarter would change your mind.
This is when a character tries to bribe somebody, but the bribe is either pathetically small or involves something of no conceivable value to the recipient. Common reactions include an incredulous stare, dismissive laughter, or even arresting them for attempted bribery. Alternatively, the recipient may enthusiastically accept the bribe, much to the amusement of the audience.
Sometimes the initial bribe may be large, maybe beyond what the person offering it can supply. The other character refuses it but accepts something comparatively worthless instead.
- A stock example is attempting to use Monopoly money or a minor coupon in place of real cash.
- A common variation is doubling the payment of voluntary or forced labour, and when they refuse on the the grounds that double of nothing is still nothing, the briber offers to triple the payment.
- Another variation of the "useless to the bribed" -theme is bribing people with something they have in a great abundance, like offering a rock monster a rock you just found on the ground.
Can also apply to unusually small payments, tips, or demands. Usually Played For Laughs. Contrast Worthless Yellow Rocks, where the characters treat something as being less valuable than it is, rather than more valuable.
Examples:
Comic Books
Film
- The same concept is used in the first Austin Powers movie - Dr Evil, who's been in outer space since The Sixties, asks for a million dollars or he'll destroy the world. All the diplomats to whom he gives his request laugh their arses off, because it's such a small sum. The sequel plays it in reverse. Dr. Evil asks the US government in 1969 for $100 billion and they laugh because, "That kind of money doesn't even exist yet!"
- Dirty Work:
Mitch: Hey, homeless guys! I'll tell ya what. I'll give you a dollar each if you'll go into this building here and run around yellin' and screamin'.
Homeless Guy #1: Uh, that's very nice, but I think what you probably need are, like, some psycho, out-of-control homeless guys?
Homeless Guy #2: Yeah, we're more the broken, spiritless, I've-lost-the-will-to-live type homeless guys.
Mitch: How about for two dollars?
[Homeless Guys run into the building screaming]
- Night at the Roxbury. Trying to get into a club, the main character says something like, "Well, maybe my friend Mr...Washington will change your mind. Uh, and his friend Mr...Washington..."
- In Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs, during an early food shower, the mayor pulls Flint aside, asks him if he can "do lunch," and tucks a strip of bacon into his labcoat pocket. The same bacon that is currently falling from the sky.
Literature
- In Terry Pratchett's Making Money, Cosmo Lavish offers Moist von Lipwig ten thousand dollars in exchange for Mr. Fusspot, getting the reaction shown in the page quote. (Moist will get twice that per year just for not selling him, and that's without considering the associated contract with the Guild of Assassins.) Lampshaded later on during the scenes in which Cosmo talks with other Lavish relatives - he deliberately offered a Comically Small Bribe in an effort to get Moist to underestimate him.
- The bribe is "insultingly" small rather than comical, but in the Hand Of Thrawn duology, two Imperial saboteurs go to Bothawui pretending to be small-time merchants trying to make a quick credit. They reinforce this impression with a small bribe to get their stock through customs quickly.
Live Action Television
- Dinosaurs episode "License to Parent":
Earl Sinclair: Surely we can talk about this. After all, this is kind of a coincidence.
Officer Bettleheim: A coincidence? How?
Earl Sinclair: Well, that ticket has my name on it, and I do believe this crisp one dollar bill has your name on it. Wouldn't you call that a coincidence?
Officer Bettleheim: No, I would call that a cheap attempt at bribery.
Earl Sinclair: What if it was a five? What. Oh come on, you're not giving me another ticket.
Officer Bettleheim: Section 9, paragraph 4, setting a bad moral example for a child.
- Boy Meets World:
Clerk: I'm sorry, we don't give that kind of information.
Eric: Really? Well... [produces $1 bill] Perhaps my friend Mr. Washington will help you change your mind.
- Happened on Monk once. Monk tried to bribe a doorman for information with three dollars; when he refused, Monk upped it to four. Finally, Sharona made him talk with forty dollars. After, Monk asked for his four back; when the doorman refused, Monk informed him that "we have a four-dollar credit on any future bribes."
- Also happens on Threes Company. When Cindy goes missing, Mr. Furley goes to the Regal Beagle to find her. He pays a blonde girl three dollars to tell him anything she knows. Hilarity Ensues when the girl turns out to be an undercover cop and arrests Furley for cheap solicitation.
- An episode of The Amanda Show had a security guard refusing to let somebody in when offered diamonds or cash... but he let them in for a slice of pizza.
- An episode of The New Statesman had the idiotic Piers Fletcher-Dervish, who upon deciding to become corrupt, demands a bribe of... 50p!
- An early episode of That 70s Show has this:
Punk kid: I've got nothing to say to you... but Andrew Jackson on the other hand...
Bob: Jackson, huh?... [opens wallet] He's not in, do you have anything you'd like to tell Abe Lincoln and the Washington twins?
- 30 Rock has Jack Donaghy offer Josh a comically small contract negotiation offer of $1 for a year of comedy work. Josh is so intimidated by Jack's negotiation skills that he almost takes it.
Radio
- The Goon Show, in which people will gladly perform inane actions for photographs of money or bags of sweets. (Of course, that last one was Bluebottle, and he's generally portrayed as a young and mildly insane Boy Scout, so...)
Real Life
- The German satirical magazine Titanic offered a cuckoo clock and a large ham to delegates of the FIFA World championship committee to support the German bid to host the 2006 World Cup. Amazingly it worked.
Video Games
- In Net Hack some of the demon lords can be bribed to leave you alone. It's a one time offer. There's no opportunity to get gold from a container. So the bribe just has to be a sufficiently large fraction of the gold you have in open inventory. Carrying $10 in the open when necessary makes the bribe very cheap indeed.
- Happens annoyingly often in Medieval II: Total War, when the rival powers start threatening you with destruction unless you cough up some cash. "Yes, mein freund, I'm afraid the price for peace with the Holy Roman Empire is...one hundred and thirteen Florins!"
- Also happens amusingly often in the Civilization series. After annihilating another country's military and leveling some cities, they say, "Please make peace with us! Here's 25 gold!" If their empire is that poorly run, perhaps they deserve to get invaded.
Web Comics
- Hilariously subverted in Sluggy Freelance when Torg reaches into his wallet, saying "Maybe 'Mr Franklin' can change your mind", and then sticks his hand up into a puppet inside the wallet while yelling in a Mexican accent: "My name is Juan Frankleen, I shoot you in the head!" Actually works, once, but only because the guy in question was a "puppet-phobe".
Western Animation
- Aang attempts this on a pirate while haggling in Avatar The Last Airbender. Fortunately the pirate thinks it is quite comical, until Aang tries a higher price which is only one copper piece higher. Pirate's not so amused the second time.
- The Fairly Odd Parents had Cosmo's famous "Philip the Nickel." It was originally used as a bribe by Juandisimo to get Cosmo to hand over his wife, Wanda. Hilarity Ensues.
- In Family Guy when Peter is negotiating for peace in exchange for his nation's sovereignty he demands... "this pen":
Mayor West: This pen, this worthless plastic pen I have millions of back in my office?
Peter: Yes.
Mayor: No.
- One Episode of Kim Possible had Ron try and bribe a judge of a Dog Show with $5 to sign Rufus in as a peruvian hairless. It actually works, much to Kim's surprise.
- In The Simpsons, Bart Simpson once tried to bribe the officer with a hairdryer, or some other house appliance. The cop showed him his badge: "bribes only in cash".
- There's a subversion of the Briefcase Full Of Money in the South Park episode "Gnomes": a global coffee company executive attempts to buy Tweek's coffee shop with an empty briefcase.
- Happened in Spongebob Squarepants where the Flying Dutchman offered some change less than a dollar to Mr. Krabs if he sold Spongebob's soul to him. Mr. Krabs sold Spongebob's soul for the pocket change.
- In an episode of The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries, an Italian crook threatens to drain every canal in Venice dry unless he gets 3 thousand lire. Which is something like 6 American dollars. This is even funnier now that Italy has switched to Euros and lire can't even be used.
- Beavis And Butthead tried this when they photocopied a dollar bill in order to buy nachos. When the Quick Stop guy doesn't fall for it, Butthead offers him another obviously copied dollar. And again. And again, until the guy throws them out.
Butthead: "Maybe this will change your mind?"
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