"Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?"
Gosh, what a sticky situation you're in! Oh, if only you could just buy your way out of this situation
But before you try it, keep in mind that bribery is itself a serious offense, and if that official you're talking to falls on the lawful side of the Lawful/Chaotic divide
, you may have just made things much, much worse for yourself. Basically, this is what happens when Mr. Screw the Rules, I Have Money!
crashes headfirst into Mr. Screw the Money, I Have Rules!
, and the results are usually not pretty. If you're really unlucky, the individual who you're trying to bribe may not be easily dissuaded, and may in fact want to do horrible and illegal things to ''you'' anyway, regardless of the money offered
See also Comically Small Bribe
, where any backfire is a result of the inept choice
of bribe rather than the attempt itself.
- In Preacher, Jesse Custer's first meating, er, meeting with meat baron and Corrupt Hick Odin Quincannon ends with Quincannon trying to bribe Custer (who's just been declared sheriff of the town) into looking the other way and letting his workers have free run of the town. Custer throws him out a window.
- Subverted in one MAD article about advertisements for criminal services. A criminal bribes a cop, thinking he seems more upstanding, but then his partner, the only honest cop in the city, decides to arrest him. However, with enough money, the second cop is willing to fall in line.
- Steve Buscemi has this happen in Fargo, in one of the most disastrous examples.
- Max Bialystock in The Producers actually deliberately invokes this to offend a theater critic.
- Chevy Chase's attempts to bribe his way to a passing test grade in Spies Like Us don't do him much good.
- The film version of The Twelve Chairs, as per the page quote.
- In The Untouchables a corrupt alderman tries to bribe Eliot Ness on behalf of Al Capone. The alderman suffers no personal consequences but he does incur a classic scolding from Ness (in front of Ness's team), including the splendid line "In Roman times, when a fellow was convicted of trying to bribe a public official, they would cut off his nose, and sew him in a bag with a wild animal, and throw him in a river," and has the bribe tossed back at him.
- In the Dick Tracy movie, at one point Big Boy Caprice has his men abduct Tracy and tries to bribe him. Tracy briefly acts like he's going along with it, then essentially says that now they can add attempted bribery of a public official to Big Boy's list of crimes.
- In the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the kids in the car try to bribe the sheriff when he pulls them over and it goes horribly wrong. Then again, since the sheriff was a member of Leatherface's family, there was no way things were going to go right.
- Subverted in The Last Boy Scout, where a Senator rejects the villain's attempts to bribe him to vote for a bill legalizing sports gambling and threatens to go to the police... because the bribe wasn't big enough. The villain decides it'd just be cheaper to kill the senator.
- When a lawyer advises a client against bribing the judge and states said judge was too honest for that, the client sent the bribe and tricked the judge into thinking it came from the other side.
- A similar joke from the American South:
The attorneys for plaintiff and defendant in a civil case come in to the judge's chambers for a pre-trial conference. Each side hands the judge a packet containing a brief. The judge takes a quick private look at the defendant's brief packet, and notices it contains $5000 cash. He takes a similar look at the plaintiff's packet, and notices it contains $10000 cash. He hands the defendant $5000 from the plaintiff's stack and says: "Thank you both for your equal donations to the judiciary of our state. The case will be decided on its merits."
- A commonly told academic joke involves a student turning in a test with a hundred dollar bill attached and a note saying, "1 point, one dollar". The student gets his marked-up test back with a smaller amount of money attached and a note saying, "Here's your change".
- Mission: Impossible: "The Pawn": Phelps offers an indirect bribe to the KGB officer who is guarding the nuclear scientist Phelps has been assigned to extract. He is threatened with deportation by the KGB officer who sees through his Obfuscating Stupidity and orders more surveillance. However, Phelps knew the KGB officer could not be bribed and used the conversation to manipulate the officer’s emotions.
- Later Phelps uses fake evidence to convince the commissar that the KGB officer is about to defect. This evidence includes United States currency. The commissar believes this evidence since the KGB officer resembled Patton in their behavior and personality. In addition, at the beginning of the episode Phelps says that if they are successful the KGB officer will be sent to a prison camp for failure. Therefore, it can be assumed that the officer was already under suspicion, the fake evidence simply proved the disloyalty.
- Happens in the Inspector George Gently episode "Bomber's Moon". A German businessman tries to bribe Sgt. Bachus. Bachus accepts the bribe so he will have the evidence to arrest him.
- Walter White in Breaking Bad tries to bribe Saul Goodman into keeping Badger quiet to the DEA. Saul kicks him out and threatens to call the police. (Not that Saul is an honest man himself; he just knows to take precautions around new people in case they're an undercover cop.)
- A particularly amusing instance occurs on LOST. When Ilana is forcing Ben to dig his own grave because she intends to kill him herself, he tries to weasel his way out of it by buying off Miles's help. Miles asks him why on earth he would need three million dollars from him when there are "a couple of jabronis named Nikki and Paulo" (whom Miles knows about because of his ability to "talk to the dead") "buried alive right over there with eight million dollars worth of diamonds sitting right on top of them".
- Shameless in one episode a cop is accusing Lip of assault, so they try to bribe him. He takes the bribe to drop the charge of bribing a police officer.
- In Malcolm in the Middle Hal gets caught using his genius, underage son to count cards in a Vegas casinonote . He tries to bribe his way out, the chief security officer thanks him for the money but still bans him. When Hal asks for the money back the guard is confused as to what he is talking about.
- In an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry David tries to bribe a pharmacist to cut in line to get medicine for his wife. The pharmacist takes extreme offense at this.
- The Nanny: C. C. Babcock once gave a gift basket to a critic who sent it back with a note stating he couldn't be bribed and, even if he could, a gift basket wouldn't be enough.
- In one episode of Burn Notice, Michael tries to get important information from a Polish military intelligence officer. Since the officer has Russian ancestry and Michael has had to do infiltration missions in Russia, he poses as a Russian businessman offering to buy a few harmless facts. The Pole goes along with it... until they're alone, when he suddenly pulls a gun on Michael. Turns out the guy is both a patriot and has a grudge against Russia. Whoops. Fortunately for Michael, Fiona is around to save him from answering uncomfortable questions before a summary execution.
- Dragnet loved this, because Joe Friday was notoriously non-bribeable. Once, a Dirty Cop tried to bribe him to protect his bookmaking... Joe went to the captain and worked with him to get evidence for arrest. Another involved Gypsy fortune tellers who tried it... Joe went along long enough to get evidence, then busted them.
- On Copper corruption is rampant so people naturally assume that when a public official is being diligent about his job, it means that he is looking for a bribe. When a building inspector starts making trouble for a landlord, the landlord quickly offers the inspector money to forget about the problems with the building. This is met by (faked) outrage. While the inspector is normally extremely easy to bribe, this time he is there on orders from an important Tammany Hall politician. The landlord has been making unwanted sexual advances on a female tenant and Corcoran asked the politician for help in teaching the landlord a lesson.
- There was a short comic in MAD about a driver trying to bribe the policeman giving him a speeding ticket. The policeman responds by handcuffing him while he surreptitiously offers the money.
- Another Mad comic had a man who left a 10 dollar bill in his drivers licence, so he could stealthy bribe a policeman when he gets asked to show his licence. Seemingly invokes this trope when the cop angrily asks if the man is trying to bribe him with the 10 dollar bill, and the man assuring him he doesn't know how that 10 dollar bill got there. Subverted next pannel when the man says he meant to put in a 20 dollar bill, and the cop replies "That's better."
- In just about every Tabletop RPG where your PC can bribe someone, there's a chance of arrest (or some other negative action) if your bribe attempt fails. Examples include Traveller, Paranoia and early edition Dungeons & Dragons.
- The risk of failure is obviously increased if the bribe is inadequate to the situation; some rules (e.g. GURPS) also specify an increased risk if the bribe is too large (because it makes the briber look desperate and suggests that the situation is more dangerous than meets the eye).
- Pizza Tycoon: Being open about making a bribe to the police will get you arrested and fined.
- Bribing doesn't always work in Alpha Protocol. Especially for the poor VCI who tried to bribe Steven Heck (provided he likes you).
Heck: So this VCI comes up and says to me: "Steve, I've got a proposition for you". So after I popped three of his fingers off for calling me "Steve", I say: "And what proposition might that be, my good man?". This guy says to me: "Oh god! Please, don't kill me! I just came here to offer you five million dollars to give Michael Thorton up as Ronald Sung's assassin!
Mike: Tell me you didn't...
Heck: Not gonna lie, buddy, I was really tempted for a minute there... But I kind of like you, so I told him to piss off. Then I set him on fire to make sure he got the point.
- May or may not happen in various games in The Elder Scrolls, depending on the person in question, your natural persuasive capabilities . . . and the size of the bribe.
- The Courier can do this to Pacer in Fallout: New Vegas by accepting the bribe and then informing him that it still won't stop you from telling The King what he's been up to.
- Family Guy: One of their flashbacks had Peter trying to seduce a cop by showing his breasts and thinking the cop had to be heterosexual to have refused.
- So many times on The Simpsons:
- Mocked when Homer probably would have wanted to bribe Officer Wiggum but is too dumb to see the obvious clues that Wiggum wants to be bribed.
Chief Wiggum: Gee, I'd hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, uh, understanding here.
Homer: I understand.
Bart: Um, hey, Dad, I— I think he wants—
Chief Wiggum: Uh, let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend Bill. Have you seen any Bills around here?
Homer: No. (pause) He's Bart.
Chief Wiggum: I— Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay? The guy I'm really looking for—wink—is Mr. Bribe—wink, wink.
Homer: It's a ring toss game.
Chief Wiggum: All right, that's it, I'm shutting this game down.
- In another episode:
Homer: You know, if you let us go, there's a diamond necklace in it for you.
Wiggum: I hope you're not suggesting that I would take that necklace as a bribe. Think again, dirtbag, cause I can swipe it later from the evidence locker.
- Backfires big time on Bart in an episode where he gets a job for Fat Tony. Bart tries to bribe Skinner when caught spraying graffiti, Skinner keeps Bart after school, Bart vents to Fat Tony, and later Skinner suddenly disappears. Even though it turns out Fat Tony had absolutely nothing to do with the disappearance, it almost gets Bart convicted of First Degree Murder.
- In yet another episode (when Marge becomes a police officer):
Apu: So, you are the new cop on the beat. (sighing) OK, I know the drill: what will it be? $100? $200?
Marge: $200. (realizing) No, no! I mean, nothing! I don't take bribes!
Apu: Yes, of course you don't. (puts the money on the table) I will just leave this money on the table (turns around) with my unseeing back to the money on the table.
Marge: Apu, no! (turns around)
(Mr. Burns walks by and snatches the unattended money from the table.)
Apu and Marge: (seeing the money gone) That's better!
- And another:
Mr. Burns: Look, Smithers! Some foolish individual has left thousands and thousands of dollars on this table! Let's step outside and, hopefully, when we return, the money will be gone.
(Burns steps outside for a few moments. When he steps back in, the nuclear inspector hasn't touched the money.)
Mr. Burns: (angrily) Look, Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here!
Nuclear inspector: Mr. Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to bribe me.
Mr. Burns: Is there some confusion about this?
(Burns starts stuffing money into the inspector's pockets.)
Mr. Burns: Take it! Take it, you poor schmo!
- And one more from Homer (he really seems to have bad luck with bribes), when he tries to bribe his way out of a bunch of municipal fines. Unfortunately, the clerk who accepts bribes is away from his window, so Homer impatiently leaves the money at the window in a paper bag labeled "BRIBE." Unsurprisingly, he gets caught.
- In an episode when Springfield enacted prohibition, Fat Tony attempts to bribe Rex Banner, the new chief of police, but doesn't work and decides to stick to smuggling heroin from now on.
- Bart fakes a marriage to scam people out of wedding gifts. When Wiggum arrests him, Bart tries to bribe him with a gift but Wiggum wouldn't take bribes other than cash. The motto "Cash Bribes Only" is embossed on Wiggum's police badge, implying this is standard policy for the whole of Springfield PD.
- In The Critic, Duke is told that he has roughly 5 years to live. After giving a $100 bill to the doctor to see what he now says: "I'd say 'Thank you Mister-5-Years-To-Live!"
- Wacky Races: Dick Dastardly painted over a speed limit sign to trick the other racers into thinking the limit was of 85 miles per hour instead of 35. When the sheriff pulled over the Ant Hill Mob, Ring Ding offered him a cigar and the sheriff said trying to bribe him made things worse.
- While bribery was common in the communist nations during the Cold War and is common in North Korea, this can backfire if the bribed official is threatened with exposure. Avoiding a transfer, a prison sentence, or the death penalty is more important than money.
- In Turkey a few years ago, a young police officer refused a bribe - uncharacteristic enough, as the Turkish Police Force is notoriously corrupt. The people who offered the bribe then simply beat him up till he was hospitalised. Bribe Backfire Backfire?
- In prison camps, bribery is sometimes used to suborn the opposite side's troops. In books on the German WW2 POW Camp Colditz, both Pat Reid and Reinhold Eggers have related one occasion in which a German Army guard took a bribe, reported it, then followed instructions to let the escape proceed until all the British officers involved were captured. After that, the guard was allowed to keep the money given to him!
- In the 16th century, William Tyndale translated The Bible into English, a practice forbidden by the Catholic Church. One church official suggested that, rather than attempting to prevent the Tyndale bibles from being smuggled into England, they should buy all the copies from Tyndale and burn them. Tyndale accepted the money, and used it to print and disseminate more copies.
- When doing a lot of travelling, keep in mind some police forces are more lawful than others, so that where sometimes a bribe would be like paying the fine right there, in others it will probably get you jailed on the spot.