Funny: X-Wing Series

Rogue Squadron
  • Corran Horn is fixing his starfighter when a tool he uses slips down the ship's hull. In a frantic attempt to catch it, Corran himself slips and starts falling head-first toward the ground... when his astromech droid saves him by gripping him by the first body part within reach: his buttocks.
  • Everyone keeps being weirded out whenever a new quirk of Ooryl's Bizarre Alien Biology pops up, such as the fact that he can store sleep for times when he has to stay awake, or the fact that he only has to breathe when he speaks. Of particular note, Corran's utter embarrassment when Ooryl announces that he finds Corran's snoring soothing.
    Corran: At least I know you don't snore.
    Ooryl: Ooryl does not believe you do either. Ooryl does not sleep in the same manner as most others, so your occasional production of rhythmic nocturnal sound is not a problem. Ooryl finds it somewhat soothing, in fact.
    Corron: [blushing] First time I've heard it described as "soothing."
  • Shortly after the second battle of Borleias, the squadron makes it back, having been forced to abandon Corran there due to fuel issues. They get treated to a recorded message where Corran tells them not to feel bad about leaving him behind on Borleias's moon. Wedge quickly realizes he's being pranked, since how would Corran have known in advance that he was left behind at Borleias's moon? (Turns out Corran had been rescued by Mirax, and brought back aboard the Pulsar Skate ahead of the squadron.)
    Wedge: Horn, if you're not dead, you soon will be.

Wedge's Gamble
  • Wedge and Pash Cracken's exploration of Coruscant's Galactic Museum is hilarious for the sheer Refuge in Audacity of the propaganda there. Aside from Imperial taxidermists claiming Ewoks have been rendered extinct by "outlaws and malcontents," there's an exhibit where a holographic tour guide Darth Vader explains the Emperor's Heroic Sacrifice at Endor, when he stopped those dastardly rebels from using captured plans to build their own Imperial Planetary Ore Extractor for nefarious purposes.
    • Related is when they unexpectedly bump into Mirax there, and she explains how she knew where to find them on a City Planet teeming with billions of people - they're snubfighter jockeys, and wouldn't be able to resist seeing what the enemy was saying about them or the battles they flew in.

The Bacta War
  • While touring Tatooine with Mirax, Corran sees a bartender use the fact that she's the daughter of infamous smuggler Booster Terrik to get a creep to back off. Later when a grizzled, one-eyed space pirate turns out to be competing with them for some supplies, Corran tries the same namedrop only to get an entirely different response.
    Corran: How come that scared people at the bar, and this guy laughs?
    Mirax: (sheepish') It worked on the people at the bar because they were afraid of my father.
    Corran: And what's wrong with this clown?
    Mirax: (wince) Well, Corran, he is my father.
    Corran: Oh. I guess you take after your mother.
    • And immediately afterword Booster vows to give Corran the beating he was never able to give Corran's father, Booster's nemesis. But Mirax jumps in to defuse the situation.
      Booster: You don't want me to take a round out of him. You even want me to like him, but there's no reason in the galaxy why I'd like him.
      Mirax: Yes, there is.
      Booster: Why am I going to like the son of the man who sent me to Kessel?
      Mirax: Because I do.
      Booster: What?!
      Mirax: [holds Corran's hand] You heard me. Corran's saved my life, I've saved his, and we like each other. A lot. [squeezes Corran's hand] You can jump in any time, Corran.
      Corran: Me? You're doing fine.
  • Corran Horn learns of his Jedi heritage, but turns down Luke Skywalker's training offer so he can continue his work as a pilot. Since he subconsciously pulled off a Jedi Mind Trick last book, surely now that he knows he's Force-sensitive he'll be fine... right?
    Stormtrooper: Come with me so I can check you out.
    Corran: I don't need to go with you.
    Stormtrooper: You don't need to go with me?
    Corran: (Hey, it's working!) I can go about my business.
    Stormtrooper: You can go about your business? Your business is my business, void-brain.
  • The "About the Author" page, where Stackpole complains about having to write it in the third person as if he were a Gand, among other snark.

Wraith Squadron
  • The story Face relates to other then-Gray Squadron pilots:
    Face: So here I am stark naked, locked out of my quarters, running around the corridors looking for a towel, a rag, anything, and I turn a corner and run right into the executive officer. He has about the same sense of humor as a Wookiee with a rash. So I throw my best salute and say, "Major, I regret to report only partial success with the Personal Cloaking Device."
    Falynn: So, what did he do?
    Face: He turned out to be all right. He made me hold salute for a while, looked me over, returned my salute, and said, "It's obvious this project was a failure. I suggest you go and cover up its shortcomings." So I did.
    • Notably, this was apparently done to him by the woman he was sleeping with. He mentioned that they had similar senses of humor, which was why they got together, and "probably why we got apart just as fast."
  • Kell and Runt's transmissions to the Imperial Star Destroyer Implacable, shortly after tricking it out of a valid target through an Indy Ploy:
    Kell: You have just been bested by Dinner Squadron!
    Runt: And Silly Squadron!
    Kell: Consider yourselves humiliated. And welcome to Folor. Out.
  • Face successfully manages to distract Admiral Trigit, who was about to blow the Wraith's cover, by giving a quite realistic, nuanced, moving performance as Small Name, Big Ego Captain Darillian. Including referencing Ysanne Isard's perfume, and revealing a crush on her. When the communication ends, the whole ship (who was listening in) erupts into applause.
    Face: Thank you, thank you. Performances every hour, on the hour. Imperial madmen a speciality.
  • How Face and Phanan get their revenge on Grinder once they find out he's the resident prankster (while hiding behind a facade of calling such things a frivolous waste of time): they hack into the ship's medical computer to create a fictitious insect that paralyzes its victims and eats them alive, which just so happens to be easily confused with a harmless one he'd collected while they were planetside, then use hidden speakers and other devices to make him think one was crawling around inside his room and up in the ductwork. It culminates with a fake insect being thrown into his face and, he thinks, the injection of some drug to make him pass out...but after he's been forced to confess and promise no more pranks, Phanan reveals the grave diagnosis: the "brave, ladykiller Bothan" had fainted dead away.
  • The scene where Wedge, Donos, and Face are picking out outfits to pass themselves off as tourists, and Face gets them the most ridiculous and silly looking clothes imaginable.
    Donos: Sir, permission to kill Face?
    Wedge: Granted. But keep the hat, like he says.
  • The whole infiltration sequence is beautiful, from the Comically Small Bribe ("A whole credit."), to the synchronised head-bobbing, to the reason for their visit being "Brides."
  • Wedge's evil bit of revenge on Han when the latter makes a visit to Folor Base: Han has just finished complaining about all the boring diplomatic functions he's had to attend on Coruscant with Leia and asks what recreation is available.
    Wedge: (with a completely straight face) Nothing. There are no women assigned to Folor Base. Because of the general's philosophical beliefs, there's no alcohol, no gambling, and we can't watch broadcasts from Commenor. This has led to a rather high suicide rate, but there's no getting around that. We do have some holorecordings of Coruscant diplomatic functions, if you'd like to see them.

Iron Fist
  • Shalla, undercover, explains why as close-combat specialist she's carrying a datapad. "Standard scans won't show this edge is reinforced. If I decide someone needs additional information in his head, I can insert it manually." She later demonstrates.
  • Wes and Hobbie show up to pester Wedge about his date, follow Wedge into the lift, and offer unwanted advice. Wedge selects the roof as the lift's destination, and while the others are puzzled about why he wants to go there calls out "about face, forward march". Obeying the drill on instinct, Wes and Hobbie promptly walk into the back of the lift while Wedge steps between the closing doors and watches as the elevator carries his chaperones up and out of his hair.
  • The "Lieutenant Kettch" Running Gag. It starts with a toy Ewok in a flight suit turning up in odd places, then someone alters Wedge's comm to make him sound like an Ewok while playing pirate, Zsinj's forces overhear it so Face has to BS a story about having an Ewok pilot, and by the end of the book Wedge is flying a TIE Interceptor into battle with a Ewok doll tied to his lap in order to maintain the disguise.
    Wes: You know, wearing an Ewok as a swimsuit is a felony on some worlds.
    (later, during the battle proper)
    Pirate: An Ewok pilot! They've got an Ewok pilot!
    Wedge: Bleed and die, yub yub!
  • The disciplinary hearing for the soldiers that the Wraiths embroil in a Bar Brawl.
    Provost: Facts?
    Wedge: Drunk and disorderly at Rojio's. Brawling with civilians.
    Provost: They're all unconscious. They lost to civilians?
    Wedge: Yes, sir.
    Provost: How many?
    Wedge: Two.
    Provost: Five of them against two civilians and they're too drunk to make a good accounting of themselves. They'll pay for letting the unit down.

Solo Command
  • The legendary Wraith Squadron motto is conceived here: "Pretty. What do we blow up first?" Bonus points for Myn Donos, of all people, coming up with it.
  • Wedge's payback for Wes betting against him ends with Wes naked, holding a stuffed Ewok in front of his jewels, in front of the entire squadron. The moral of the story is that when it comes to pranks, Wes has the talent and the will... but Wedge has the resources.
  • "Lt. Kettch" becomes a Brick Joke at the end of the book, when Lara (or Gara or Kirney depending on her mental state) found an actual Ewok who had been genetically modified and trained to become a pilot. Her first, stressed-out reaction is to shout that she's heard this one already. She then explains to the uncomprehending Ewok that "we're both lies that became the truth."
  • It ends up being a bit Harsher in Hindsight since it is related to how Face realizes the truth about Lara and exposes her, but the moment when they're on Coruscant and an old man at the museum 'recognizes' her (confusing her for her mother, another Imperial spy) leads to a hilarious bit where Face pretends to recognize her as well, using increasingly ridiculous names.
    Face: (looking at her intently) Gerwa Patunkin?
    Lara: No.
    Face: Totovia Lampray?
    Lara: No. Stop it.
    Face: Dipligonai Phreet?
    Lara: (laughing) Shut up.
    Face: Moploogy Starco?
    Lara: Face, I'm going to shoot you. (Ironically, it's not her who ends up doing this, but Donos.)
  • Elassar Targon, Master Of The Universe! ...For further context, Elassar is the first Wraith who comes straight out of the academy to the squad, rather than be taken in before being kicked out. Wes jokes that he wasn't nutty enough for the group. Elassar immediately adopts a swashbuckling pose and announces his mastery of the universe. Wes withdraws his objection. Wedge has to wonder if Elassar heard of Wraith's reputation and is playing along or if he's genuinely insane.
    • During a scene where the pilots are all trying to figure out how to track down Zsinj, Elassar prefaces his ideas with a few remarks about their commander Han Solo (namely that he's "running scared" from Zsinj)... without knowing Han was in the room in a turned-away chair. Despite the fact Han accepts the criticism and thinks they have some good ideas, Elassar is convinced he is doomed for this and wants the other pilots to kill him. This becomes a Running Gag for a good part of the book.
  • Wedge and Han's "mutiny" on board the Mon Remonda.
  • After Piggy survives an assassination attempt on Admiral Ackbar, he emerges from his bacta tank to be greeted by several pilots from his squadron.
    Face: Forgive the intrusion, but we heard that the new vintage of Piggy was being decanted.
    Lara: But it looks like it's turned to vinegar.
    Elassar: I am pleased to meet you. I need you to kill me. Nobody else will.
    Janson: To make sure you remember this little event, we've had some special things made up for you. Bacta-flavored candy. Bacta-flavored brandy. Bacta-flavored cheese.
    Shalla: Kell and I worked up an instruction manual for you. It's called, How to Dodge.
  • At the end of the book, a communications officer sends Han and Wedge a message from Lara, in her new identity. When Han suggests the guy drop the issue, he's somewhat hesitant, since Lara is technically wanted and the voiceprint is an almost perfect match. Han offers to send Chewbacca up to discuss it with him. The issue is dropped.
  • Zsinj calls Han to offer him congratulations on his victory. Han offers to let him kiss his Wookie as consolations, causing Zsinj to go on a several minute rant, swearing in several languages before signing off.
    Chewbacca: (growls)
    Han: No, I wouldn't have really let him kiss you.
    • The fact that Han recorded much of that rant to watch later is also funny.

Isard's Revenge
  • A conversation between Corran and Gavin over fatherhood turns into a discussion about differences in species' mating habits when alien squadmate Khe-Jeen Slee joins in. The Issorian starts discussing how his kind reproduces, opens his flightsuit, Corran and Gavin stammer that they'll take his word for it... and Khe-Jeen blinks and slowly pulls out the picture he was getting.
    • Said picture is of Khe-Jeen's parents fertilizing his egg, externally. Corran decides that it looks similar to chefs glazing a roast, but keeps his observation to himself.
  • Whistler and Gate escape from captivity and hire passage on a ship evidently run by space rednecks, who kill time by sticking streamers on the astromechs and using them for low-powered target practice.

Starfighters of Adumar
  • General Cracken mentions a probe on its way back from a mapping mission in the Unknown Regions. Wedge, who’s trying to make Cracken go away, immediately responds: "If you continue to map the Unknown Regions, you'll have to call them something else."
  • Tomer Darpen says that he'll need to explain the way the local toilets (called refreshers in the Star Wars universe) work, since Adumar is less advanced than what the characters are used to. Hobbie immediately quips about it being a "Refresher Course". Janson's annoyed that Hobbie beat him to it.
  • This conversation:
    Wedge: We have the right tools to subvert our Imperial admiral.
    Hobbie: What tools?
    Wedge: Oh, Wes's maturity, your optimism, and my diplomatic skills.
    Hobbie: We're doomed.
  • Some standouts include their various Adumari outfits (with bonus points for Janson's chorus-line video on his cloak), and Janson's method of distracting his opponent, one Thanaer ke Sekae, before a duel:
    Announcer: Honor or death.
    Janson: Wait! look at this.
    (Janson uses his blastsword, which leaves a glowing trail behind it when on, to doodle a bantha in midair.)
    Janson: Look! A bantha! (beat) Not familiar with banthas? Try this.
    (He draws out a local riding animal.)
    Janson: An Adumari farumme! Here's another one. (He draws an Adumari starfighter.) A Blade Thirty-Two!
    Thanaer: (impatiently) Are you ready to die yet?
    Janson: One more! (He draws a stick figure with a tiny head.) It's Thanaer ke Sekae!
    • To top it off, how does Wes end the fight? By bitch-slapping his opponent into unconsciousness.
  • Red Flight's first introduction to the blastsword:
    Janson: So it's like a blaster you have to hit people with? I have to get one!
    Tycho: Don't let him have a new type of weapon! It'd be like giving a lightsaber to a two year old.
  • Another from Starfighters of Adumar -
    Wedge: We'll need a wheeled transport, one of the flatcam units our pursuers are carrying, and four sets of women's clothing.
    Hobbie: You lied to me.
    Wedge: I did. With my brilliant achievements in the diplomatic profession has come the realization that lies can be powerful motivators.
    Hobbie: My faith is shattered.
    Wedge: You knew, when I said we needed four sets of women's clothing, that we were going to end up in them. You knew. So any hopes you had to the contrary were just self-delusion.
    Hobbie: I understand that. But I'd rather blame you than me.
    Janson: So. Who's best-looking in women's dress? I vote for myself.
    • A few minutes later, they're stopped by Adumari vigilantes. To complete their cover, Hobbie lets out a very convincing feminine scream of fear. When asked where and when he learned to do that:
      Hobbie: Oh, I do it all the time. Whenever a Corellian cooks for us. Whenever Wes plans our missions.
      Wes and Wedge: (glare)
  • And this:
    Wedge: Sithspit! What's that?
    Wes: That's the sun, Wedge. It's after dawn.
    Wedge: Well, it offends me. Turn it off.
    Wes: It's a hundred thirty, hundred forty million klicks from here.
    Wedge: Go up in your X-wing and shoot it down for me.
    (conversation continues a bit from here)
    Wes: Wedge, stop acting like a little kid. You're embarrassing me.
    • (Mind you, this is coming from Wes Janson, of all people.)
  • ... and again...
    Iella: What's happening?
    Wedge: Oh, nothing. I think she (Cheriss) is finally starting to grow up a few years.
    Iella: Good.
    Wedge: Maybe we could make the process into a weapon and shoot Wes a few times with it.
    Wes: I heard that.
  • The four pilots are introduced to their documentarian, a woman who wears a protocol droid head as a recording device. When the droid head malfunctions later, an Incredibly Lame Hurricane of Puns commences. Even Tycho can't resist, though Wedge is appalled. Eventually this leads to the Cartann Minister for Crawling into Very Small Spaces.
  • After Wedge and the others make it to Iella's apartment, Hallis declares she can persuade Iella to abandon her mission, go with Wedge and the others, and want to "shoot your superior right in the guts if you ever happen to see him again". After stepping into the next room and being shown the incriminating video of Darpen lying through his teeth to the perator about Wedge being constrained by diplomacy and wanting to be executed to retain his honor, Iella immediately returns, furious and proclaiming she'll do everything Hallis said she would.
    Wedge (to Hallis): How did you do that? No, really, please. I have to know. It normally takes a vote of the Senate or a planetary collision to get Iella to change her mind. I need to learn how to do whatever you did.
  • Straddling the line with CMOA, Tomer Darpen is speaking to Wedge on a balcony and trying to convince Wedge he must stop his sim-weapon exercises and begin killing Adumari pilots in live-fire duels. Wedge, fed up, ends the conversation with this.
    Wedge: And now it's time for you to go.
    Tomer: No, we need to talk this through.
    Wedge: You can leave through the door or go flying over the rail, Tomer.

Mercy Kill
  • Three words: Gamorrean. Strip. Show.
  • As Voort meets the new team:
    Voort: You're working with a Yuuzhan Vong.
    Bhindi: And a Clawdite and a Gamorrean and several humans, and, worst of all, a Corellian.
    Myri: Cheap shot.
  • Jesmin Tainer and Trey Courser are sneaking through an Imperial ship. Jesmin turns back and notices Trey's guilty look.
    Jesmin: Were you just looking at my rear end?
    Trey: Um... I'm not the actor Two is, so I'll just say... yes.
    Jesmin: Now's not the time.
    Trey: So, theoretically, there would be a time.
  • Slightly later, Jesmin and Trey need to get into the ship's auxiliary bridge, but Jesmin doesn't want to force her way in. She asks him to check if the bridge has a toilet by listening through the wall.
    Trey: No water noises so far. But now I'm starting to need to go. Hey. Are you doing that? What are you doing?
    Jesmin: Thinking of waterfalls, wine bottles pouring, faucets gushing, fountains flowing... and I'm putting that out through the Force.
    Trey: You monster. I'm... I'm...
    Jesmin: Keep it together, Four. Any noises?
    Trey: Conversation. I can't make out the words, but it's getting more urgent. (Beat) I understand that urgency.
    Jesmin: It'll pass as soon as the door opens.
    Trey: Or as soon as I disgrace myself.
    (One action scene later)
    Trey: You were right. I no longer have to pee.
    Jesmin: I'll notify HoloNet News.
  • Kirney wants Piggy to understand very clearly that under absolutely no circumstances is he to recruit her children.
  • Turman's reaction to FINALLY getting out of a decomposing, organically grown, full-body lobster costume he'd had to inhabit for several days.
    Turman: Get me to a sanisteam! A pool. A waterfall. An acid bath! Sandpaper! Get me clean!
  • The final scores to Trey's game of Backstop, an improvised target shooting game. Most of the players do quite well, except Thaymes, who fired sixteen times, missed the target entirely, and 'killed' Trey, Drikall, Jesmin, and finally, Voort twice.
  • Never drug a Clawdite. They get loopy.
    Bhindi: (ungags Turman) Two, did you plant the charges?
    Turman: So it has come to this. Perhaps a Rodian and a Bothan should never have wed, and yet we did. And now our union is as dead as Shacobi there. Yet can we not preserve one last happy memory of our years together?
    Bhindi: (re-gags Turman)