Santo Cassamento: F.B.I. took this?
Huntress: Answer the question.
Santo Cassamento: Must've been the feds. Franco would've killed me if he'd known about it.
Huntress: I said, answer—
Santo Cassamento: Isn't it obvious? Your mother and I were conceiving you, Helena Rosa. Now put that crossbow down before you accidentally murder your father.
Darth Vader: That is most disappointing.
Boba Fett: He got lucky.
Darth Vader: Did you bring me anything of value, bounty hunter?
Boba Fett: Not much. Just his name. Skywalker.
Vader is silent. He's staring at the window in front of him, out into space.
Boba Fett: We're done here, then.
Cut to flashback.
Padmé Amidala: Something wonderful has happened. I'm...Ani, I'm pregnant.
Anakin Skywalker: That's...that's wonderful.
Vader clenches his fist and stares up.
Darth Vader: Where is Padmé? Is she safe? Is she all right?
Cut back to the glass in front of Vader, which is visibly cracked.
Emperor Palpatine: I'm afraid she died. It seems that in your anger...you killed her.
Vader's hand is shaking with Force energy now. He stares out of the window, which is completely cracked by this point.
Darth Vader: Skywalker.
(Later) Vader folds his arms. Scenes flash in his memory. Padmé crying. Padmé's funeral. The destruction of the first Death Star. His first confrontation with Luke.
Darth Vader: I have a son.
The glass before Vader is almost completely gone now.
Darth Vader: He will be mine. It will all be mine.
Luke Skywalker: I'll never join you!
Darth Vader: If you only knew the power of The Dark Side! Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke Skywalker: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No. I am your father.
Luke Skywalker: No... No. That's not true! That's impossible!
Darth Vader: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Luke Skywalker: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO!
Austin Powers: Really?
Dr. Evil: *voice returns to normal* No, not really. I can't back that up.
Austin Powers: *nodding* Right. Idiot. Yes.
Lone Starr: ... What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what YOU are about to become.
Derek: And why didn't he? I saw him stop you when you fired at me.
Thor: Because... because he just learned that... that you are the son of our leader.
Diamondback: Nigga, I am your brother.
Jin: There's no way!
Imperator Librarius: So this cauldron... is not yet dust...?
Ragna: Saya... Saya, what the hell?
Avatar: Nngh... This voice is...in my head! Who are you?! What's happening?!
Validar: Why do you close your heart to him, Avatar?
Validar: Have you truly forgotten?
Avatar: You were...calling me... Augh! My head! Get out of my mind!
Validar: Heh heh. Such arrogance! You dare take such a tone...with your own father?!
Avatar: ...My what?
Validar: You are of my flesh, but of sacred blood. You are to serve a glorious purpose! Search deep in your heart. You already know it is your destiny
Validar: Why do you resist us, Avatar? Your rightful place is at my side. Not wasting your time with these doomed servants of Naga! Give yourself to Grima! Let me join your strength to the fell dragon!
Rudolf: I knew I was right to entrust you to my dearest friend.
Alm: Your friend... You mean...Mycen? What's going on here? What are you saying?!
Rudolf: I'd thought you'd have realized by now. Your true name... Your true name is Albein Alm Rudolf. You are...my one and only son.
Alm: I... What? That can't be true... You're lying! Why should I believe a word you say?
Rudolf: Nnngh... Be still, Alm. I haven't time left...to explain. But I beg you to grant me one...final favor.
Alm: You want a favor from ME?
Rudolf: Take the Divine Falchion that...sealed Mila's strength... Duma has become a thing of mindless evil. Use the blade... Destroy him... Please, my son... You must...
Alm: No, wait! Emperor Rudolf! Were you truly my father? Then I've just... Oh, gods... What have I done? Aah... AAAAAAAUGH!
Delphi: The death... Of my mother!
Yan: Oh- your mother! I know she can be hard on you sometimes, but-
Delphi: How would you know?! You know nothing of her cruelty!
Yan: My dear, fate's winds brought you here for a reason... For I, Yan, the Samurai Smartie, knew your mother. Indeed, we were very much in love. Oh, my dear girl, I have been meaning to tell you this for many years now...
Delphi: ...Oh my god...
Yan: Yes, it's true. I am... Your fa-
Delphi: Don't say it!
Yan: What? But I must! I AM-
Yan: -YOUR FATHER!
Delphi: *begins vomiting*
Yan: It is all right to weep tears of joy, my child.
Delphi: *keeps vomiting*
Yan: Yes, I know I should have told you.
Delphi: *still vomiting*
Yan: Yes, I see the resemblance too!
Delphi: *still vomiting*
Yan: Come, come, save your tears for a rainy day. Embrace me!
Delphi: ...But my mother, queen Sappho... She created me from the four elements... She wanted me to be the purest form of Sea Reaper...
Yan: ...The evil queen, Sappho? Isn't your mother... Sandra Myrtle from Chillchuck Island?
Delphi: Um, no?...
Yan: ...Oh. Then forget what I just said about me being your father.
The Guy: What is this? ANOTHER CHILD? Haha! One more for my score!
The Kid: I have bested fruit, spike, and moon! Now, I shall best you, The Guy!
The Guy: No. Not The Guy...The Father!
The Kid: WHAT
The Guy: Yes...now I recognize you. SON. THE HAIR. THE SHIRT. THE CAPE. You are of my younger colors.
The Kid: That's impossible!
The Guy: Check your inventory screen, Kid! You know it to be true.
Female character with highest bonding points: Rean...
Male character with highest bonding points: ...
Rufus: That's enough.
Rufus: Just as you have your reasons that guide your actions, so, too, does His Excellency. And I believe you factor into those reasons more than you might think.
(Flashback to Rean's biological father leaving Rean for Teo to find. The face is that of a younger Osborne.)
Past!Osborne: Rean... I pray you grow up strong and healthy. Oh, Aidios... if you're listening, hear me now. Please, allow this child...
Chancellor Osborne: Haha. I see you finally remembered the truth. I'm glad to finally see you again, my son. You've grown into a fine young man. Indeed, the Empire will soon know of the Ashen Chevalier, the hero whose brave deeds allowed us to reclaim the capital. And who better to assist me than a national hero?
Pepper: Uh, he told me enough, I guess.
The Brickster: Well, I am your father!
The Brickster: You're right, Pepper. I ain't your father, but I had you going! Heheheheheheh!
Loke Groundrunner: What do you mean? What does all this mean?
Dark Helmet Man: Loke, I am your...mother! *moves back the cape revealing a pink dress*
Loke Groundrunner: NOOOOOOO!
Dark Helmet Man: And now Mama's gonna teach you a lesson in manners! *Hand's Hand appears and knocks Black Helmet Man off into space* Just wait till your father get home!
Gustav: No, that's not true...that's impossible!
Christine: Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
C-3PO: You're doomed, Corey.
Luke: Maybe...I was saving this to get Vader distracted so I could land a mortal blow, but screw it...Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your son.
Darth Vader: He told me enough. He told me you killed him.
Luke: No. I am your son.
Darth Vader: No. No. That's not true. That's impossible!
Luke: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!
Darth Vader: No! Noooooo...!
Darth Vader: No. I know that's not true. That really is impossible.
Luke: Oh come on, I figured it out. All very clever. Princess is your daughter, adopted at birth by Bail Organa and Breha Moon-Flower. And I'm her twin brother, placed in the care of Owen and Beru Lars on Tatooine. Ergo, you are Anakin, my father. You killed Padmé, the woman you loved. My mother!
Darth Vader: No.
Luke: You are my father!
Darth Vader: No, Luke. I am your mother.
Merlin: Because, Jim...I am your father.
Merlin: (smirks) Kidding!
Monarch: Hank! I am your real father!
Hank: N-No, you're not...
Monarch PSYCH! Oh man, I totally got you. You were all like, "Oh, daddy! You're my daddy!"
Dexter: [gasps] That is not possible! Oh, no wait, you're right.
Star: Wait, Eclipsa? What does she have to do with this?
Marco: Yeah, can someone fill us in?
Mina: Don't you ding-dongs know anything? She's her momma! (points to mural of Eclipsa holding infant Meteora)
Marco: Eclipsa is [Meteora]'s mother? But how? Eclipsa's hundred of years old! Besides, that would mean [Meteora] is a...princess!
Star: It means she's a Butterfly.
Mina: It means she's a monster!
(Zurg decks Buzz off the platform)
Emperor Zurg: PSYCH! Made you look, you dimwit!