"Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho."
Santa Claus: So, we can stand about arguing whether Im real or not, or, uh, are we gonna get busy saving Christmas?
Santa goes bad ass.
"Have a Merry freakin' Christmas / And you'll hear what we just said / Don't you squeal or rat us out / Or you will end up dead!
— "Raging Rudolph" skit, MADtv
"You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Cause Santa Claus might put a cap in your ass"
"Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year
Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear
It's my way or the highway this Christmas at my bar
I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car"
Like big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo Merry Christmas to all, now youre all gonna die!
Because it wouldn't be Christmas without guns and homicidal tendencies! Because this is what you think of when you think of Christmas, right? People beating the shit out of each other. Then there's "Blizzard of Balls", a Christmas-themed snow level...the best part is killing Santa and using his body as a sled. I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but let's be real: There's a reason we have Christmas, and it's time we acknowledge that. And that reason is that Batman reversed time to stop the Earth from being blown up by antimatter. (stormtrooper topples off balcony) Jack:
OH! You died. Rich:
That's what I like in my
Christmas specials: DEEEEEAAATH!
The idea of Santa as an immortal being whos been delivering Christmas presents for centuries is ridiculous, of course, but the truth behind the legend is much darker than most people can imagine. In fact, 'Santa' has been a whole succession of different individuals down through the centuries. In this way 'he' is kind of like the Phantom
; but whereas the Phantoms identity passes down peacefully from father to son over the generations, Santa-ness must be taken
, with each new Santa defeating his predecessor in single combat to the death. And now notorious asshole and megalomaniac Heathcliff
has come to violently insert himself into this ancient tradition.
Chuck comes out shooting, brandishing twin Uzis holstered at his sides in a custom leather harness... He takes cover in Santa's Village and then carries out a protracted gun battle using the fake snow banks as cover. I'm serious. Even funnier, the battle spills over past Santa's house and into the nearby Nativity scene. After all, where else do you see a
Planet of the Apes ape crush Nazi John Turturros head in between his thighs? Where do you see jet pack wearing rats driving motorcycles with Gatling guns on the front? Where do you see a shark killed with fluorescent lighting as a means of highlighting the Nazis' plan to kill toy-kind? The festive holiday world of
Nutcracker in 3D thats where!
The canon of Christmas movies covers a wide range of diverse subjects, from a boy desperately craving a firearm to random British people hooking up to a green mutant and his pet dog burgling an entire town out of spite. The only thing linking them all is Christmas. Die Hard fits the bill. It does take place on Christmas. But a lot of its elements are decidedly un-Christmasylike machine guns, explosions, and a slimy cokehead who dies before anyone exclaims that his shiny red nose could help them in bad weather. Still,
Die Hard has a redemptive arc for its hero, not dissimilar from other great Christmas stories. Like Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, John McClane finds his Christmas Eve interrupted by uninvited visitors, and due to their intervention, he learns to be a less selfish person. Both characters epiphanies come when theyre forced to confront their mortality. Scrooge repents at the site of his gravestone, and McClane realizes he owes his wife Holly an apology while picking shards of broken glass out of his feet.