Funny / Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

• "It Belongs in a Museum!" "So do you!"
• In 1912, as a young Indy and fellow Boy Scout Herman stumble upon a bunch of bandits who discover the gold cross:
  Herman: (discovers a snake has been crawling on his leg for some time, starts promptly freaking out)
  Young Indy: It's only a snake.
  • He even picks it up and tosses it away as he said that!
  • In a way, the entire opening sequence of Young Indy getting into trouble is funny in how it sets up all the traits and skill sets we'll see in the older version. Especially the bit where Indy develops his phobia of snakes...
    • Audiences can't help but laugh at the sudden cut to the outside of the Reptile circus car while Indy screams during his freak-out.
  • While tussling with the Irish goon, both of them stop fighting and stare in stunned horror when the angry rhinoceros' horn rips through the train car's roof and comes up inches away from both their groins:
    Indy: "...Holy smokes." *both quickly roll aside*
• Young Indy trying a whip for the first time to scare off a lion, and accidentally cutting his lip. They worked in an origin for Harrison Ford's famous chin scar!
• When Indy is teaching a class and all the girls are gazing at him!
  • Still!
  • There are more girls in this class than in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Makes you wonder how many female archaeologists were running around after World War II...
    • Unless they only chose his class because of the teacher.
• Dr. Jones tells his students that "X never, ever marks the spot." Then it becomes a Running Gag that everything is marked with an X. When he sees an "X" scratched on a stone wall leading to the tomb, he rolls his eyes.
  Indy: (on finding the massive Roman numeral ten on the floor of the library, showing the entrance to the catacombs) X marks the spot!
• A rather simple one for the college professor part of Indy, with him barricaded in his office by his secretary and a horde of bellowing students... and our professor pulls a Screw This, I'm Outta Here out the window.
• Indy snatches a flower off a cart (without paying) for Elsa.
  Indy: Fraulein, will you permit me?
  Elsa: I usually don't.
  Indy: I usually don't, either.
  Elsa: In that case, I permit you.
  Indy: (tucks the flower in the buttonhole of her coat) It would make me very happy.
  Elsa: But I'm already sad. By tomorrow it will have faded.
  Indy: Tomorrow, I'll steal you another.
  Marcus (annoyed) I hate to interrupt you, but the reason we're here...
• Indy breaking a floor tile in time to a Librarian stamping his books, with the Librarian looking in utter bewilderment at his suddenly incredibly noisy rubber stamp.
  • It's even better in the novelizations — the Librarian concludes that his hearing is getting worse and decides to retire!
• In the Venice catacombs, Indy identifies a painting on the wall as a representation of The Ark of the Covenant.
  Elsa: Are you sure?
  Indy: (smirking) Pretty sure...
• In the Venice canal chase, the pursuit ends up leading towards two giant boats... which are getting closer together, but a distracted Elsa doesn't realise at first. There then follows a classic misunderstanding...
  Indy: Are you crazy, don't go between them!
  Elsa: Go between them? Are you crazy?!
  • A moment later.
    Indy: I said go around.
    Elsa: You said go between them!
    Indy: I said don't go between them!
    • In fact, the very existence of catacombs in Venice, a city built on the water!
• The scene where they're trying to infiltrate the Nazi castle that Henry Sr. is being held in. Indy has a hilariously atrocious Scottish accent, Elsa's wearing the intensely out-of-place fedora, and to sum it up:
  Butler: This is a castle...and we have many tapestries...but if you are a Scottish lord, then I AM MICKEY MOUSE!
  "Lord Clarence MacDonald": How dare he? *knocks out butler*
  • What's even better is that Indy can't fake a Scottish accent convincingly, despite having been raised by Sean Connery!
  • Indy breaks into the room his father is being held in, only to be smashed over the head by a vase. Henry Sr. steps forward, gets a good look: "Junior?" Indy bolts to his feet, practically at attention, replying "Yes, sir." You never really do grow up around your parents.
  • And when Indy comes crashing through the window of the room his dad is being held in, Henry Sr. cracks him over the head with (what he thinks is) an incredibly valuable Chinese vase. Henry Sr. is heartbroken at the loss until he realizes it's a fake. Indy is more concerned about his possibly fractured skull.
    Henry Sr.: (examines broken vase under a lamp) Late 14th century Ming dynasty. (sighs) Oh, it breaks the heart.
    Indy: And the head. You hit me, Dad.
    Henry Sr.: I'll never forgive myself.
    Indy: (smiling) Don't worry, I'm fine.
    Henry Sr.: Thank God. (beat as he pulls Indy over to the lamp) It's fake. See, you can tell by the cross-section.
    Indy: (You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me! face)
    • Even funnier is the fact that in the novelization, Indy does this earlier at Barnett College to reveal that a fellow professor was cheated out of $300 for an alleged Pre-Columbian fertility idol.
  • As predicted by Elsa, Henry Sr. becomes as "giddy as a schoolboy" when Indy talks about finding the Tomb of Sir Richard and wishes that he could have been with Indy when he discovered it. However, his glee turns to horror when his son told him about the rats in the tomb.
  • Furthermore, in that one word we have finally discovered the answer to a three-movie long mystery about what Indiana Jones' real name was. And it was, of course, "Henry Jr." of all things.
• Most of Indy and Henry Sr.'s lines, in fact; Harrison Ford and Sean Connery have excellent comic timing for normally dramatic actors.
  Nazi: Dr. Jones!
  Both Joneses: Yes?
  Nazi: I will take the book now.
  Both: What book?
  • Henry Sr. starts laughing about how the Nazis think his son is stupid enough to bring the book right back, while Indy looks at him with a "well, funny you should mention that" look on his face. Finally, it dawns:
    Henry Sr.: You didn't, did you? You didn't bring it, did you?
    Indy: Well...
    Henry Sr.: You did.
    Indy: (motioning to the Nazis) Look, can we discuss this later?
    Henry Sr.: I should've mailed it to The Marx Brothers.
    Indy: Will you take it easy?
    Henry Sr.: Take it easy?! Why do you think I sent it home in the first place? So it wouldn't fall into their hands!
    Indy: I came here to save you!
    Henry Sr.: Oh, yeah?! And who's gonna come to save you, Junior?!
    Indy: I told you...(seizes a machine gun from a distracted guard)
    Guard: Scheiße!
    (Indy mows down everyone with it, leaving his dad totally shocked)
    Indy: ... DON'T call me "Junior"!
    Henry Sr.: Look what you did! I can't believe what you did!
    • The best part is that it's James freakin' Bond (the O.G. James freakin' Bond, mind you) getting upset over some Nazis getting killed.
    • It's his tone that sells it, not the horrified reaction one would expect from someone who just saw their child grab a gun and shoot a room of people to death, but a scolding tone as if he'd dropped a plate.
• When Elsa says to Indy that she'll never forget the time they spent together, Henry Sr. thinks she's talking to him and compliments her. Indy shoots his dad a disgusted look over his shoulder that defies description. Even better because it wasn't in the script.
  • Related: how did Henry Sr. know Elsa was a Nazi?
    Henry Sr.: She talks in her sleep.
    • Harrison Ford does a marvelous Double Take, first nodding as if to say, “Ah, got it,” then slowly turning his head in disgusted horror.
    • Henry Sr. sees Indy gaping at him. His face goes through several expressions in a few moments, going between embarrassment, pride, defiance and impatience.
• The classic Description Cut, from Indy giving an awesome, totally straight-faced lecture to the Nazis that they'll never be able to find Marcus as he'll blend in perfectly with the locals:
  Elsa: It's perfectly obvious where the pages are. He's given them to Marcus Brody.
  Henry Sr.: Marcus? You didn't drag poor Marcus along, did you? He's not up to the challenge.
  Donovan: He sticks out like a sore thumb. We'll find him.
  Indy: The hell you will. (Everyone looks at him with surprise) He's got a two-day head start on you, which is more than he needs. Brody's got friends in every town and village from here to the Sudan, he speaks a dozen languages, knows every local custom, he'll blend in, disappear, you'll never see him again. With any luck, he's got the Grail already.
  (Cut to)
  Marcus: [Sticking out like a sore thumb] Uh, does anybody here speak English? Or even Ancient Greek? Water? No, thank you, sir. No...no, fish make love in it. Chicken? No thank you, I'm a vegetarian! Does anyone understand a word I'm saying?!
  • And when Sallah tells Marcus to hide in a nearby shop, which is, in fact, a Nazi truck that drives off. Sallah can only stare and lean over in disappointment.
    • Even better if you imagine they picked up this trick from when Indy stole the Ark from them, doing it in reverse.
  • Still later, Indy expresses a need to rescue Marcus, whereupon Henry Sr. says "You said he had two days' start, that he would blend in, disappear." Indy rolls his eyes and says "Are you kidding? I made that up. You know Marcus, he got lost once in his own museum."
    • The mere fact that Marcus got lost in his own museum. The Ultimate Guide reveals that Indy was putting it lightly and that Marcus had gotten lost in the archives room specifically.
    • That's actually more likely. The British Museum Archives (called the Stacks) are over 3km of corridors and rooms on two floors underground below the Museum proper. And that's not even including the Mummy rooms...
• When Sallah meets Marcus, they are immediately intercepted by Nazis posing as museum attendants. Sallah sees right through the disguise, and desperately yet quietly tries to warn Marcus, who just can't take the hint.
  Marcus: My reputation precedes me!
  Sallah: There is no museum in Iskenderun.
  Disguised Nazi: Papers please.
  Sallah: Papers? Of course! Heh heh. (casually to Marcus) Run.
  Marcus: (confused) Yes.
  Sallah: Papers. Got it here! Hah! Just finished reading it myself! (insistent to Marcus) Run!
  Marcus: Uh, yes...
  Sallah: Egyptian Mail! Morning Edition! (annoyed at Marcus) Run!
  Marcus: Uh, did you say, uh...
  Sallah: RUN! (punches Nazi in the face)
• The way Elsa gives Indy the "Austrian goodbye", kissing him passionately and sucking at his lower lip while Indy is still enraged at her betrayal and responds only with a Death Glare.
  • And right after that:
    Colonel Vogel: And this is how we say goodbye in Germany, Dr. Jones. (Punches Indy in the face, causing him to bump heads with Henry Sr.)
    Indy: I liked the Austrian way better.
    Henry Sr.: So did I.
• Indy tells Henry Sr. to use the lighter he stole from Elsa to try and burn through the ropes. He burns his hand and drops the still-lit lighter on the floor. As he tries to put the lighter out, the fire only spreads and gets worse. He then tries to break the news to his son, who's completely oblivious to this:
  Henry Sr.: I ought to tell you something...
  Indy: Don't get sentimental now, Dad. Save it till we get out of here.
  Henry Sr.: The floor's on fire. See?
  Indy: What?
  Henry Sr.: ...A-and the chair!
  • "Dad!" "What?" "DAD!" "WHAT??" "DAD!!" "WHAAAT?!?" "Head for the fireplace!" "Oh."
  • The sheer poetry of them hiding from the fire in the fireplace.
  • Indy accidentally triggers a secret door in the fireplace, which rotates them into a room filled with Nazis - who all have their backs turned and not a single one notices the Joneses. And then they keep rotating back into the room which is currently on fire.
    Henry, Sr.: Our situation has not improved.
  • When they wind up on the opposite side of the secret door in the fireplace, they're in a communications room of some sort, at which point a woman looks up and notices them. They both give her awkward grins. She grins back and yells, "ALARM!"
  • Indy gets free, but the Nazis from the secret room charge out... into a room full of fire, with the Joneses nowhere to be found. They were hiding up the chimney, but one Nazi late to the party grabs Indy from behind. The door rotates again, Henry Sr. gets caught on the fire-and-Nazi filled side, flattens himself against the door trying not to be noticed, the door keeps turning, we hear the series' trademark "punch" sound, and the door finishes its spin with the Nazi slumping against it, unconscious. Then Indy jams the door to keep from being followed by using a bust of der Führer.
  • Trying to escape the castle, Indy is frantically looking for an exit and Henry Sr. sits on a chair that opens a secret staircase. Indy proceeds to tumble backwards down the entire stairwell.
    Henry Sr.: I find that if I just sit down and think...
    (the chair he sits on opens the staircase right under Indy's feet)
    Indy: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
    Henry Sr.: ...the solution presents itself!
• "What about the boat? We're not going on the boat?"
  • Indy starts firing up a motorboat (complete with a quip about "Great, more boats," then sees something better. Henry Sr. doesn't get it, tosses his bag at Indy, who tosses it back. By the time the Germans catch up, the boat is far enough away they can't see that Indy and Henry Sr. aren't in it, so start piling into another boat to pursue. Unfortunately, they're barely in before Indy and Henry Sr. come barrelling out in a motorcycle with sidecar. If Indy had waited another two minutes, he would have made a clean getaway.
• Indy laughing after killing the last Nazi motorcyclist chasing them, then doing a double-take at his father who just frowns disapprovingly and then casually winds his watch. Indy then glowers like he's thinking "Nothing's ever good enough for him!"
  • Before the front wheel explosion, Henry Sr. was clearly impressed that Indy was using a flag pole as a jousting lance.
• This little exchange from Indy and Henry Sr.'s argument over going for Brody or recovering the diary, which is also a moment of awesome.
  Henry Sr.: I wrote them down in my diary so that I wouldn't HAVE to remember.
  Indy: Half the German Army's on our tail, and you want me to go to Berlin? Into the lion's den?
  Henry Sr.: Yes! The only thing that matters is the Grail.
  Indy: What about Marcus?
  Henry Sr.: Marcus would AGREE with me!
  Indy: (incredulous) Two selfless martyrs. Jesus Christ!
  (Henry Sr. slaps Indy in the face, and responds with a Death Glare.)
  Henry Sr.: That's for blasphemy.
  • The fact that the signs only point to the castle they're coming from, Venice, Berlin and nothing else.
• The scene where Indy sneaks into the Nazi book burning rally in disguise and runs into Adolf Hitler himself... who thinks Indy's just a starstruck fan, and autographs the notebook containing instructions on how to find the MacGuffin, and then gives it back to him. How humiliating it must be to get an autograph from the devil incarnate!
  • Even funnier when you consider that Hitler had Donovan searching for the Grail Diary and he LITERALLY had it in his hands right then and there and didn't even notice due to his ego making him think it's just another book.
  • And that autograph is in the foremost collection of lore on the Holy Grail ever established. One wonders how many future generations ponder how and why Hitler's autograph got in it.
• Indy after punching and throwing Vogel out of the airship while disguised as an attendant: "No ticket!"
  • Made even funnier by the fact that he's speaking plain American English to a bunch of German passengers.
  • Followed by all of the passengers pulling out their tickets and frantically shouting "TICKET!"
  • Before this happens, the newspaper that Henry Sr.'s trying to hide behind? He's holding it upside down.
  • Especially because Vogel actually didn’t have a ticket.
• When they're on the Zeppelin, talking about their mutual love interest above:
  Henry Sr.: You know, sharing your adventures is an interesting experience.
  Indy: That's not all we shared. It's disgraceful. You're old enough to be her fa- her grandfather!
  Henry Sr.: (Shrugging) Well, I'm as human as the next man.
  Indy: I was the next man!
  • The little smirk he makes after he says it is hilarious. And Henry Sr.'s expression.
  • Even more when you consider that Sean Connery was only twelve years older than Harrison Ford.
• During the dogfight:
  Indy: Dad! Eleven o'clock!
  Henry Sr.: (checks pocket watch) What happens at eleven o'clock?
  Indy: (Frantically gesturing to twelve o'clock, eleven o'clock and ten o'clock, respectively) Twelve, eleven, ten! Eleven o'clock, FIRE!
  • Just after that, when one of the enemy fighters gets on the biplane's tail, Henry Sr. takes up the gun and shoots at him and tears up their own plane's tail section. He has an appropriate "This Is Gonna Suck" expression as Indy realizes that something is wrong.
    Indy: Dad, are we hit?
    Henry Sr.: More or less. Son, I'm sorry. They got us.
  • Also, "Fly, yes! Land, no!" What makes this funny is that Harrison Ford is a rather successful pilot in real life. What makes it even funnier is decades later, he ended up crash-landing a World War II vintage plane (he was injured, but not seriously so).
• A similar exchange a bit later:
  Henry Sr.: Those people are trying to kill us!
  Indy: I KNOW, DAD!
  Henry Sr.: (cowed, quietly) Well, it's a new experience for me.
  Indy: (hands his father his suitcase and tips his hat) It happens to me all the time.
• "This is intolerable!"
• One of the German pilots actually trying to fly into the tunnel to chase after Indy and Henry Sr., tearing off the plane's wings and setting it on fire, and ending up passing their car. The look on the pilot's face just says, "I did not think this through."
  • After:
    Henry Sr.: (chuckling) Well, they don't come any closer than that!
    (Cue the remaining plane dropping a bomb near them, causing them to crash their car into the resulting crater)
  • What makes it even funnier is that both Indy and Henry Sr. both look at the pilot and then each other with similar expressions that scream, "What the hell just happened?"
• Henry Sr. flapping his umbrella and squawking like a seagull to scare a gigantic flock of seagulls into the air and causing the approaching Nazi plane to crash.
  • And then he just strolls back looking ever so pleased with himself.
    Henry Sr.: I suddenly remembered my Charlemagne. "Let my armies be the rocks, and the trees, and the birds in the sky." (chuckles)
  • Bonus comedy points for Henry Sr.'s facial expression of "It's all up to me now!" before he unsheathes the umbrella from his bag like it's a friggin' sword.
  • Seeing the Nazi pilot scream as the seagulls crash into his cockpit window is pretty hilarious.
• When the Nazis offer the Sultan a chest of jewels and gold, he is not impressed. He is impressed by the Rolls Royce, however. Donovan quickly adjusts his plan, smiles, and tells the Sultan, "The keys are in the ignition, Your Highness."
  • And when he says he'll offer them vehicles, provisions, and "tanks" with his accent, Donovan replies with "you're welcome".
• A Tempting Fate moment:
  Henry Sr.: What are you doing there? Get down!
  Indy: Dad, we're well out of range.
  BOOM!
  (Sallah's car, well up the hill behind them, was hit)
  Sallah: That car belonged to my brother-in-law!
  Indy: COME ON!
  • What makes the whole scene even more hilarious is a tire on fire rolls down the hill.
  • It becomes a Brick Joke when Indy angrily tells Sallah that he doesn't need camels.
    Indy: Sallah! I said no camels! That's five camels. Can't you count?
    Sallah: Compensation for my brother-in-law's car.
• This exchange between Vogel and Donovan:
  Walter Donovan: Colonel. Jones is getting away.
  Colonel Vogel: (having just captured Henry Sr.) I think not, Herr Donovan.
  Walter Donovan: Not THAT Jones, the OTHER Jones! (cue Indiana riding away with a pack of horses).
• Indy's bemused look when he somehow manages to kill three Nazis with a single shot from a Walther P38 pistol, the 9x19mm bullet passing through them all like they were cardboard cutouts.
• Indy and Vogel are fighting atop the tank and one of the Nazis in it is watching from the periscope. When Indy rolls over and accidentally smashes his face on the periscope, he grins amusingly, turns, and says to his fellow officers in German, "Die Amerikaner, die kämpfen wie Weiber!" ^translation Those Americans, they fight like hussies!. Indy in his struggle, unintentionally kicks the scope causing it to turn inside and hit the soldier from behind.
• Vogel's face as he falls to his doom is pretty comical.
• When Henry Sr. makes it into the tank where Marcus is being held, the two greet each other with what has to be an old Ivy-League club secret handshake, complete with a rhyme:
  Henry Sr: Genius of the res-tor-ation…
  Marcus: Aid our own re-sus-ci-tation! Henry!
• The exchange between Henry Jones Sr. and Colonel Vogel, as the later mocks the former for trying to retrieve the diary, is both a moment of awesome as well as comedy. Made only better since Henry saw what the Nazi's do in their homeland.
  Henry Sr: It tells me that goose-stepping morons like yourself should try reading books instead of burning them.
• Indy, getting out of a major scrape and temporarily knocking Colonel Vogel out of the fight, leans into the open hatch of the tank shouting for his father. Henry Sr. pops up, grinning, and asks "You call this archaeology?"
• "How does one get off this thing?" (Brody gets knocked off the tank accidentally) Made even funnier when Henry notices that Brody's no longer on the tank - you can see him lying there in the background, dazed and probably wondering what the hell just happened.
  • And then a moment later:
    Henry Sr.: Where's Marcus?
• Sallah coming to the rescue of Henry Sr. while the latter is dangling from a tank.
  Sallah: Father of Indy, give me your hand!
  • He even tips his hat while saying it!
• This film remarkably has a Tear Jerker, Moment of Awesome, Heartwarming AND Funny all at the same time without a word of dialogue. When Henry Sr., Marcus, and Sallah watch the tank which they think Indy's on top of go over a cliff, they all stand heartbroken on the edge of it...not noticing Indy, having obviously leapt free with moments to spare, pulling himself up the cliff edge only a few feet away. After getting back on solid ground, Indy gets up and dazedly walks to them, staring confusedly along with everyone else as if to say "What are you guys looking at?".
  • Indy also gives a little nod as if to say "Yeah, take that, jerk."
  • Henry Sr. even briefly glances over at him as he arrives to join them, not realising who he is until a few seconds later.
  • Just before the tank goes off the cliff, Indy's hat seems to decide to Screw This, I'm Outta Here. Later, his hat rolls right back in front of him, as if going "Is it safe to come back now?"
  • Even funnier is Marcus' reaction to Indy's survival. He, much like us the audience, was wondering how the hell he survived such a close call.
• When Indy has to step on a series of tiles to spell "Iehova" out, he forgets that in Latin, Jehova begins with an I. Him falling through the floor due to stepping on the wrong tile isn't funny on its own, but the way he reads out "J..." in a tone that sounds like he's teaching a child the alphabet before just plummeting definitely is. Followed by him mentally dope slapping himself as he pulls himself back up.
  Henry: The name of God...
  Indy: The name of God... Jehovah...
  Henry: But in the Latin alphabet... Jehovah begins with an "I".
  Indy: J... *CRUNCH*
  Henry: Oh dear.
• The Knight has a bit of a sense of humor when meeting Indy.
  Indy: Who are you?
  Knight: The last of three brothers, who swore an oath to find the Grail and to guard it.
  Indy: That was 700 years ago.
  Knight: Long time to wait.
  • When Donovan is drinking from the Grail, Indy and the Grail Knight share a brief glance that conveys something like "What happens when someone drinks from the wrong Grail?" "I don't know, but I've been waiting 700 years to find out."
  • Among the numerous ostentatious fake Grails around the room is a large plate. One wonders how many unworthies the knight expects to catch with a plate.
    • Genius Bonus: the plate is actually a lot closer to what the word 'grail' meant at the time it first appeared in literature.
  • And in what is possibly the understatement of all understatements: "He chose... poorly." And in the most deadpan way, as if people painfully disintegrating into dust is just something that happens in these parts.
  • When Indy first enters the Grail chamber, the Knight is knelt over a Bible, praying. When he realizes Indy has arrived, he takes up his sword, and attacks... once. 700 years of aging have sapped his strength, and the weight of his sword makes the Knight just kind of fall over backwards.
• When we find out where Indiana comes from.
  Henry Sr.: And what did you find, Junior?
  Indy: "Junior"? Dad...
  Sallah: Please, what does it always mean, this-this "Junior"?
  Henry Sr.: That's his name. Henry Jones, Junior.
  Indy: I like Indiana.
  Henry Sr.: We named the dog Indiana.
  Marcus: (annoyed) May we go home now, please?
  Sallah: The dog? (chuckles) You are named after the dog? (laughs)
  Indy: [Sourly] I've got a lot of fond memories of that dog.
  • Which is funnier because Indy was named after a dog, more specifically George Lucas' dog (whose shaggy fur was also inspiration for Chewbacca).
• As above, almost any time that Denholm Elliott (Marcus) is onscreen, he hams it up for all he's worth, including at the end when everyone is set to ride off into the sunset for a Happy Ending.
  Marcus: Indy! Henry! Follow me! I know the way! Hyaaaaahhh! (Spurs his horse, which takes off, bouncing him violently in the saddle)
  Henry Sr.: (sighs) Got lost in his own museum, eh?
  Indy: Uh huh.
  • That's actually a moment of awesome for Denholm Elliott, who in reality was an experienced horse rider, with enough skill to do his own riding in that scene and make it look like Marcus was going to wipe out.

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