Funny / Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 7

"Lessons" (7x01)

• Buffy and Dawn are discussing after Dawn's training session:
  Buffy: The next vampire you meet, you run away. I just wish that was all we had to worry about. Vampires, demons... They're nothing compared to what's coming.
  Dawn: I know. I just can't believe it's back.
  Buffy: Believe me, I thought I was long past it. I guess you never are. Just a few more days 'til it starts. Then we'll never know what's coming next.
  [Cut to the newly reconstructed Sunnydale High School]
• One of the undead claims he wants Dawn to be his girlfriend, and Buffy points out that he's going after the wrong sister.
  Spirit: I think I'd like Dawn to be my girlfriend.
  Buffy: Again, wrong sister. I'm the one who dates dead guys. And no offense, but they were hotties. I mean, I'm sure you had a great personality, but—
• When Buffy meets Spike in the basement:
  Spike: Buffy, duck.
  Buffy: [confused] What? Duck? There's a duck?
  [An undead hits Buffy in the head with a pipe]

"Beneath You" (7x02)

• Nancy asks the Scoobies if there's anyone among them who hasn't had sex with each other. Cue glances from Xander and Spike.
  • The combinations get even smaller as of S8. Xander and Dawn are together now, Angel S5 mentioned that Angelus and Spike did it once, and Buffy had a one-night stand with another Slayer.
• Spike's insane ramblings inside the church are a Tear Jerker, except for one, very brief moment of lucidity.
  Buffy: Spike, have you completely lost your mind?
  Spike: Well, yes. Where have you been all night?

"Same Time, Same Place" (7x03)

• Anya and Willow's collaboration has this written all over it.
  Willow: Something killed a poor boy down by the construction site. Took his skin right off.
  Willow/Anya: [simultaneously] Was it you? No!
  [...]
  Anya: [after a conversation about the cost of killing/power] I'm surprisingly sensitive.
  Willow: So, will you help me?
  Anya: [sighs] Is it difficult or time-consuming?
• Paralyzed-Dawn is a goldmine of comedy, especially considering how increasingly muffled Dawn's lines become as her face gets more and more frozen.
  Dawn: Stop saying vomit!
  • "...She's posable?"
  • Sarah Michelle Gellar's facial expression on the last line is hilarious. She just scrunches her nose, as if this were an everyday problem.
    Buffy: It says... the paralysis is permanent.
    Dawn: [muffled] WHAT?
    Buffy: Oh. Permanent until the creature dies. Sorry.
  • Buffy leaving the TV remote in posable Dawn's hand.
  • And when Gnarl does die, we cut back to Dawn in the living room who promptly unparalyses and flops down on the couch.

"Help" (7x04)

• On Buffy's first day as a high school counselor, Dawn shows up to complain about her Control Freak sister who keeps stealing all her clothes.
• Buffy's history as a Bully Hunter comes to a head with her guidance counselor job when Amanda asks her advice on a bully. You can just see the shock and her struggling not to laugh as she's told Amanda jumped him and smashed him into the pavement, she needs advice on if she should do it more.
• Buffy talks with Principal Wood (who's black) about some of the issues with her counseling job.
  Wood: When I was in high school, I had a thing with this guy, right? Real bully. I kept telling everyone that he better sleep with one eye open cause I was gonna bust his ass. Well, I got suspended. Talk like that is taken pretty seriously where I come from.
  Buffy: The hood?
  Wood: Beverly Hills. Which is a hood, I guess.
• During Cassie's otherwise Tear Jerker of a speech, she says she wants to see her cousins grow up "because they're really mean and I think they're going to be fat." Even Buffy grins at this.

"Selfless" (7x05)

• D'Hoffryn, upon seeing Anya's murdered frat boys:
  D'Hoffryn: Oh, breathtaking! It's like someone slaughtered an Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue.
• Anya's flashbacks to when she was human.
  "It's a troll! Hide your babies and your beadwork!"
  "The troll is doing an Olaf impersonation!"
  "Hit him with fruits and various meats!"
• Then there was the "Once More" prequel song:
  Together: Oh, no
  Man: Mustard on my shirt
  Woman: Mustard, I'll never get it out
  Man: My favorite dress shirt
  Woman: Dry clean it
  Man: How could you serve
  Together: Mustard?
• And Anya's song:
  Mrs. Anya lame-ass-made-up-maiden-names Harris
• D'Hoffryn prepares to give a demonic Badass Boast...then sees it's Willow and compliments her on her hair.

"Him" (7x06)

• Dawn's shambolic cheerleading tryout.
  • It's even funnier if you know that Michelle Trachtenberg studied ballet.
• Buffy finds out that Dawn shredded her cheerleading outfit.
  Dawn: I'll buy you another one.
  Buffy: That's not the point. I don't want another cheerleader outfit.
  Xander: Now, let's not be hasty here.
  Buffy gives him a "You're not helping" look.
• Buffy, Willow, and Anya trying to win RJ's love. To sum up:
  • Buffy attempts to kill Principal Wood. With the rocket launcher.
    • Not to mention the scene where she attempts it. Wood is listening to quiet jazz while marking papers. In the window behind him, we see Buffy appearing with the launcher and aiming it, then Spike running in and doing a flying tackle, knocking Buffy out of view to stage right. They come back into frame with Buffy hanging off of Spike's shoulders beating him repeatedly over the head, vanishing to stage left. Then Spike comes back into view again, running away with the rocket launcher, and Buffy chases after him like something straight out of Looney Toons, exit stage right again. Wood remains completely oblivious the entire time.
  • Willow tries to fix the problem with RJ's physical form.
  • And Anya is implied to have committed multiple robberies somewhere, but turns the radio off before we can find out where and lies to the others about it when they ask.
    Anya: Oh! I wrote... a poem. Comparing him to daisies and forests and diamonds, and that sort of thing.
• Buffy and Willow fighting over RJ.
  Buffy: Anya could be seducing RJ as we speak.
  Willow: You really think she would do that?
  Buffy: She was recently evil.
  Willow: So was I. Why should I miss out?
• Also:
  Buffy: Willow, you're a gay woman! [Beat]] And he isn't!
  Willow: This isn't about his physical presence! It's about his heart.
  Anya: His physical presence has a PENIS!
  Willow: I can work around it!
• Let's not forget the scene earlier in the Bronze:
  [RJ is dirty dancing with a beautiful, scantily-dressed girl, seen only from the back]
  Willow: [ogling the girl] Check out his fan club.
  Xander: [ogling likewise] Ooo, Daddy like.
  Buffy: [rolls her eyes] What is that shirt made of? Paint?
  Willow: [dawning realization] Buffy...
  Buffy: Glad Dawnie isn't here to see her precious boyfriend getting all thrusty with some slut-bag hussy—
  [The girl turns around, and everybody jawdrops when they see that she is Dawn]
  Xander: [horrified] Oh... oh, no! Daddy, no... I wasn't... when I was lookin' I wasn't... oh, God!
  Willow: [ashamed] Right there with ya.
  • And then it turns out Dawn stole the slutty top from Buffy.
  • Xander's revulsion is even funnier if you've read the comics where he and Dawn become an Official Couple.
• Buffy breaks up a catfight between Dawn and Lori.
  Buffy: You've done the lap dance and the catfight. You wanna get drunk and barf next?
  • Lori stomps on Buffy's foot before storming off, leaving Buffy with the funniest stunned expression.
• Xander catches Buffy straddling RJ on a desk in an empty classroom, and RJ gets pissy over the interruption.
  Xander: I'm sorry, it's just check-out time's at noon, and we were hoping to make up the bed. Also, it's a classroom, you chowder-head!
• Xander and Spike's plan to get rid of the magical jacket: Run up and clumsily tackle RJ, rip the jacket off of him, and run off down the street, leaving the boy and his date confused.

"Conversations with Dead People" (7x07)

• Andrew's mistranslation of the Arc Words, "From Beneath You, It Devours" (he'd just been in Mexico and heard it in Spanish):
  Andrew: [somberly] It eats you, starting with your bottom.
  • Well, everyone spoke Mexicoan!
• Also, the whole Buffy/Holden scenes can get pretty funny, with Buffy's initial conversation with him going exactly how one would expect a conversation between old high school classmates who hadn't seen each other in a few years to go, except Holden is a vampire who's just climbed out of his own grave.
  • And it turns out that Holden was an intern at Sunnydale's Psychiatric Hospital before he was sired and gives Buffy a free therapy session, while openly admitting that he's evil now and planning to kill her.
  Holden: Oh, my God! Or, well, not my God, because I defy him and all of his works.
• Dawn mucking around while home alone:
  • "Anchovies! Anchovies! You're so delicious. I love you more than all the other fishies". This was actually put in by Jane Espenson to protest a pizza place that stopped serving anchovies.
  • She gets a pizza stain on Buffy's top, then shrugs that she'll just assume it's blood.
    • Then in "First Date", while choosing an outfit to wear for her date with Wood, she comes across the top... and takes it for either blood or pizza.
  • While playing with Buffy's crossbow, Dawn shoots an arrow into the wall and pulls a piece out. Then covers it up with a potted plant.

"Sleeper" (7x08)

• Anya attempting (and failing) to seduce Spike, culminating in her literally throwing herself at him, then awkwardly peeling herself away when it becomes clear he's not interested.
  Anya: [nervously] I'm here, obviously, for... um... [Beat] Sex.
  Spike: Uh... beg your pardon?
  Anya: You and me... here and now. Let's go, let's [raises the stake in her hand] get it on, you big bad boy.
  Spike: Wait, wait, Anya, just a minute! This is not exa— [Beat] Is that a stake?
  Anya: Yes. Kinky.
  • And this exchange:
    Spike: Anya, it's not that I'm not tempted. Obviously, if things were different, you're a right catch.
    Anya: I got it, no problem, I understand. [her tone turns accusatory] ...You think I'm fat.
    Spike: What?
    Anya: Either that or it's the haircut!
    Spike: Ridiculous; the new 'do is quite fetching.
    Anya: Oh, so now you like the hair?
    Spike: Love it.
    Anya: Sure, as a friend!
    Spike: Anya.
    Anya: You know, you were a lot more fun when you didn't have a soul.
    Spike: Oh, come on now, I just explained to you—
    Anya: All I'm saying is Soulless Spike would have had me upside down and halfway to Happyland by now!
• Spike and the vampire duking it out on the catwalk at the Bronze while Aimee Mann plays. He eventually stakes her and sends her into the pit below, where she dusts. The Masquerade is beginning to fade apparently, as everyone, from the crowd to Mann and her band, stop what they're doing, stare... and then Mann picks up right where she left off like the vamp dusting was a completely normal experience.
  • And as Mann reveals later, this isn't the first time she's seen it: "Man, I hate playing vampire towns."

"Never Leave Me" (7x09)

• Andrew failing to kill a pig.
  • To expand on this, the First, in Warren's form, is coaching him through it, and is actually astounded regarding how amazingly bad he is at killing a piglet.
    First-Warren: That's the worst attempt of a pig slaughter I have ever seen.
    • To reiterate, this is the First talking. The embodiment of evil itself, which has existed since time immemorial and lives in the hearts of every single human being. And it claims that Andrew's attempt at pig slaughter is the worst it's ever seen.
• Willow captures Andrew:
  Willow: Shut your mouth! I am a she-witch. A very powerful she-witch...or witch as is more accurate. I am Willow. I am Death. If you dare defy me, I will call down my fury, exact fresh vengeance, and make your worst fears come true. Okay?
• Xander and Anya interrogate Andrew via Good Cop/Bad Cop.
  • They make so much noise that Buffy, who's in the middle of quizzing Spike, goes in to check on them. She walks in to find Anya straddling Andrew while hitting him. She nonchalantly asks if everything's okay, Anya replies yes, Buffy just says okay then leaves.
• During the fight in the house, Buffy uses Andrew as a weight to knock the Bringers out of her way.
• The First, in Buffy's form, noting that it had originally planned to use Andrew to open the seal but that Spike looks better with his shirt off.

"Bring on the Night" (7x10)

• Giles makes his return.
  Giles: We're having a slight... apocalypse.
• Kennedy meets Willow.
  Willow: You wanna organize the sleeping arrangements?
  Kennedy: Okay. You better not hog the covers.

"Potential" (7x12)

• Buffy mounts Spike to demonstrate to the Potentials how to dust a vampire, but as he's still healing from the wounds given to him by the Ubervamp, he flinches. Buffy tries to lift his shirt to check the damage, culminating in them sharing a Held Gaze and Holding Hands, momentarily forgetting the group of teenage girls spectating.
  Rona: [wistfully] That's hot.
  Molly: [scribbling notes] So we're, supposed to, like...make out with him or something?
• Despite her status as The Scrappy, when the Spuffy romance has moved right past Everyone Can See It to even the Potentials, Kennedy's comment at finding out Buffy found Spike's crypt comfy is worth at least a giggle.
  Kennedy: Excuse me? [stares Buffy down] When did you find it comfy?
  [Beat]
  [Beat]
  Buffy: Moving on...
• Buffy introduces the Potentials to Clem, and Kennedy wonders if Buffy had dated him too.
• Dawn's Adorkable complaint as she sneaks into the school with Amanda.
  Dawn: I think I strained something. Something I might need later in life.
• Upon hearing Rona say of a stake, "I love the feeling of wood in my hands", Kennedy has to say, "You lost me there."

"The Killer in Me" (7x13)

• As Molly and Rona are fighting over who gets to drive for their spirit quest (Rona won and stuffed Molly in the trunk), Giles busts Buffy on how the Potentials were apparently told the spirit quest involves "driving them into the desert, doing the Hokey Pokey until a spooky Rasta-Mama Slayer appears and speaks to them in riddles."
• The Glomp Andrew gives Willow-as-Warren.
  Willow-as-Warren: Bad touching!
  • For the rest of the scene, Dawn and Andrew just keep poking Willow.
• Anya, Xander, Dawn, and Andrew start fearing that Giles might be the First because they can't remember if he's touched anything, since the First is incorporeal and all.
  Giles: You think that I'm evil because I bring a group of girls camping and don't touch them?
  • And how do they figure out that Giles isn't The First? They tackle Giles.
    Xander: Touch him!
    Dawn: I feel him! I feel him!
    Andrew: Me too!
    Giles: Good, we all feel each other. [looks at Andrew] Including some of us who don't know each other well enough to take such liberties, thank you.
• This bit:
  Spike: Who ya gonna call? [Beat] God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?
  Buffy: Doubt it.

"First Date" (7x14)

• Spike attacks Giles in the cemetery when the man's in the middle of relating to Buffy and the Potentials how he saved himself from the Bringer in Robson's apartment.
  • This Speak in Unison exchange between Giles and Spike:
    Spike: Hey! You're not the First!
    Giles: Hey! You're not in pain!
  • And then this:
    Spike: Anya said you were the First! Said you were evil. You're supposed to be all... go-through-able.
    Giles: Then what the hell did you tackle me for, you berk? What was that supposed to do?
    Spike: [frowning] I, uh... didn't think of that.
• Giles admitting to Buffy he got the jump on the Bringer not by instinct and experience, but because the Bringer's shoes squeaked.
• Buffy and Willow talking about Principal Wood:
  Buffy: It's just he's there on the Hellmouth all day everyday. That's like getting showered by evil, only from underneath.
  Willow: Not really a shower.
  Buffy: A bidet. Like a bidet of evil.
• Xander excitedly announcing his date and then being put out that Buffy beat him to the punch.
• Xander noting that Wood is a decade older than Buffy and Willow adding that he's still 100 years younger than her usual type.
  Buffy: Yay! Someone who doesn't remember the Industrial Revolution!
• Chao-Ahn the Chinese Potential, what with no one understanding what she's saying and vice versa.
  • The Turok-Han flash card Giles made to facilitate her training.
• The awkward car ride between Buffy, Wood, and Spike.
  Wood: [staring straight ahead stiffly] ...So how do you two know each other?
  Buffy: [far too quickly] He works with me! Uh... you know, in the struggle against evil.
  Wood: [obviously not buying it] Hm. Cool.
• Xander returns home after surviving his date. Willow asks what happened, he yells, "What do you think happened?!" Sarah Michelle Gellar clearly starts to crack up here.

"Storyteller" (7x16)

• Most of it, actually, but coming to mind are the slow-mo kitchen sequence and "Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?"
• Honestly, all of his fantasy sequences are brilliant, especially the supervillain one:
  Andrew: In my plan, we are beltless!
• Also:
  Andrew: WE ARE AS GOOOOODS! [plays harp while a unicorn trots gently by]
• Andrew watching the footage of Xander and Anya's breakup, and mouthing Anya's words.
• Andrew ignoring Willow & Kennedy kissing, instead complimenting Xander's work on fixing the window.
• Andrew tries to film Spike:
  Spike: Hey, I told you get that thing out of my face! Now get out of here before I tear your head off!
  Andrew: Spike, the light was behind you.
  Spike: Oh, sorry. [takes a step forward] Hey, I told you to get that...
• The pig from "Never Leave Me" reappears.
  Wood: God, I hope that's not a student.
• Either hilarious or Squicky, depending on the viewer:
  Andrew: It's in the kitchen. ...you didn't have any steak knives.
  Willow: You put your old murder weapon in with our utensils?!
  Andrew: ...I washed it.
• Andrew films a meeting where Buffy is giving one of her rousing speeches and then leaves. When he returns, she's still giving the speech. Even Willow looks bored.

"Lies My Parents Told Me" (7x17)

• Giles's dismay over the modernized Sunnydale High School Library.
  Giles: [storming into Woods' office] Everything's terrible! Total catastrophe!
  Buffy: Giles, what's wrong?
  Giles: Have you seen the new library? There's nothing but computers! There's not a book to be seen! I-I don't know where to begin, Buffy. I mean, who do we speak to?
  Wood: Uh, that would that would be me.
• Wood trying to catch up with Spike's Backstory. Also serves as a humorous lampshade of Continuity Lock-Out.
  Buffy: So, did you bring back any Potentials?
  Giles: Um, rea— No. Actually, m-my, uh, my trip is about something else. It's–it's, um, regarding Spike.
  Buffy: Spike. What about him?
  Giles: I told you my concerns when you recklessly chose to remove the chip from his head.
  Wood: Wait, sorry — chip?
  Giles: Well, uh, it's a...long story.
  Buffy: The military put a chip in Spike's head so he couldn't hurt anyone.
  Giles: And that would be the abridged version.
  Buffy: But he wouldn't hurt anyone anymore because he has a soul now.
  Giles: Unless the First triggers him again.
  Wood: Triggers the chip?
  Buffy: No, the trigger's a post-hypnotic thing. The First put it in his head. It was... made him… He was killing again.
  Wood: So, he has a trigger, a soul, and a chip?
  Giles: Not anymore!
  Buffy: It was killing him, Giles!
  Wood: The trigger?
  Buffy: No, the chip. The trigger's not active anymore.
  Wood: Because the military gave him a soul?
  [Giles tries to think an adequate response. Buffy glares at Wood, who gestures in surrender.]
  Wood: Uh... sorry.
• Andrew relays the plot hook for Willow's appearance on Angel, via a phone call from Winifred Burkle.
  Andrew: Uh, Willow? Call for you from L.A... somebody named Fred? Guy sounds kind of effeminate.
• Drusilla's look of "Oh, Crap!" when Spike reveals he intends to turn and bring his mother along with them.
  Spike: We'll ravage this city together, my pet. Lay waste to all of Europe. The three of us will teach those snobs and elites just what—
  Drusilla: Three?
  Spike: Youmeandmother.
  [Spike continues to rattle off To the Pain descriptions of their upcoming killing spree as Drusilla grows more visibly perturbed]
  Drusilla: You... want to bring your mum with us?
  Spike: Well... yeah. You'll like her!
  Drusilla: Hm! To eat, you mean?
• After Spike delivers an ominous speech about how he's a vampire now, Anne Pratt asks incredulously if he is drunk.
  Anne: Are you drunk?
  Spike: [looks down ashamedly] ...little bit.
• Buffy talking to Giles about how she's in the fight of her life against the First, and the vampire she's fighting excitingly assuming she's talking about him.

"Dirty Girls" (7x18)

• Andrew's recount of Faith's backstory is mostly accurate... up until the point where she's suddenly fighting SPOCK, complete with the "Amok Time" battle music playing and Spock attempting to use the Vulcan nerve pinch on Faith.
  Amanda: What the hell are you talking about? I thought Faith killed a volcanologist.
  Andrew: Silly, silly Amanda. Why would Faith kill a person who studies Vulcans?
  Amanda: He studied volcanoes. He was a professor...?
  Andrew: Ah, yes. Well, regardless...
  • Chao-Ahn doesn't have a clue what Andrew is saying, and all she can respond with is "There's a girl doing gymnastics in the backyard." Andrew nods solemnly, thinking she said something completely different.
• Faith's and Spike's meeting, where they discuss going bad, sexual fetishes, and Buffy.
  Faith: [referring to the body swap] Shoulda known it wasn't blondie behind the wheel. She'd never throw down like that.
  Spike: Oh, you have been away.
  Faith: Don't tell me Miss Tightly Wound is gettin' her naughty on.
  • Faith quickly putting some distance between them when Buffy comes downstairs looking none too pleased about finding the two of them chatting.
• Faith's confusion after Buffy stops her from killing Spike.
  Faith: Are you the bad Slayer now? Am I the good Slayer now?
• Faith and Spike fighting in the cemetery, believing the other to be evil as the last time they'd met, she was a fugitive and he was a barely-muzzled Wild Card.
  Faith: I've reformed.
  Spike: So have I!

"Empty Places" (7x19)

• Anya is giving an informative presentation to the Potentials in the basement, while Andrew writes the key points on an easel pad.
  Anya: OK... I know you're all upset... and I, myself, would much rather be sitting at the bedside of my one-eyed ex-fiance than killing time here with you people in this over-crowded and, might I add, increasingly ripe-smelling basement. And I would be, too, if not for a certain awkward discussion he and I recently had right over there on that cot, immediately following some exciting and unexpected breakup sex.
  [The girls sitting on the cot move to the floor. Andrew writes "breakup sex", then underlines it.]

"Touched" (7x20)

• Caleb confusing the First's Buffy appearance for the real thing, while it finds his failure to kill her as "embarrassing."
• Faith recommends kidnapping a Bringer, and Kennedy sarcastically suggests holding it for ransom. Xander's response?
  Xander: Yeah, I'll get the magazines and start ripping out the letters now. "Dear Mr. First, if you want your Bringer back...well, we'll be surprised because you got, like, three million of them. So please disregard this letter. Yours sincerely—"

"End of Days" (7x21)

• After a quiet drama scene where they talk about how hard their lives have been, Faith sums it up quite nicely.
  Faith: Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.
  Buffy: Takes the edge off.

"Chosen" (7x22)

• Angel's petulant reaction to the news that Spike has regained his soul.
  Angel: That's great. Everyone's got a soul now.
  Buffy: He'll make a difference.
  Angel: You know, I started it. The whole having a soul. Before it was the cool new thing.
  Buffy: Oh. My. God. Are you TWELVE?
  • Speaking of maturity, when Buffy goes down to the cellar to talk to Spike, he's taped a little drawing of Angel to his punching bag.
• Buffy comes home to find a pissed off Dawn right in front of her. Just when you think Dawn's going to start one of her whining fits, she lightly kicks Buffy in the shin and calls her a dumbass. Then just when you expect another Buffy speech, she wearily says, "If you get killed, I'm telling."
• Two words: "Wheelchair fight."
• What do you do the night before the final battle? Play Dungeons & Dragons, of course!
  • Also, from that scene, Andrew and his outfit.
  • And for all the Homestar Runner fans, the reference to Trogdor the Burninator really seals the deal.
• Faith and Wood are barricading the school, after they'd slept together and Faith dumps him. When she starts up how men are only interested in her for her body, Wood claims he's much more attractive. Faith is shocked and tries to deny his claims, before trying to go at it with him again.
• During Buffy's epic "my power should be our power" speech, she turns to Willow, saying that she is stronger than the powerful men who created the First Slayer. Willow whimpers and summons up an attempt at a smile that's more a grimace.