The Reason You Suck Speech: Web Original

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  • From his The Child review, an absolutely withering one for Pulaski.
    "Jesus, you're a complete cun- ...temptible person. Janeway was obviously a seven-year-long apology by this franchise for season two, where the entire female gender is represented by someone who didn't get a uniform and had a haircut created created out of a hatred towards life itself. And you, Doctor... "Pulaski", Doctor Pulaski, Doctor Smug-ass Monkey-face Sack-o-Shit! I would try to beat some sense into you, but my parents taught me it was wrong to kick livestock! Your voice is like the sound of 200lb housefly trying rape a cat! In fact, it's scientifically proven, that every time you open your fat gob a fairy slits its wrists! Your lack of basic humanity is so stunning, I bet polar bears flock to your panty drawer in the desperate hope of surviving global warming!! When Picard accidentally glimpsed you naked, he spent hours screaming there were FIVE LIGHTS!!"
  • And even the above was topped by the following for Lutan in Code of Honor.
    "Lutan, you understand honor like Neelix understands sex appeal. You've heard of it; you probably think you have it, but buddy, there's not a smidgen of it in your body. Your smile is as warm and inviting as an icewater enema, your so-called 'charm' is so forced and transparent, so clearly septic, I wouldn't be surprised if your voice leaves an oil slick. And your attempts to project authority are nothing of the kind, but of a spoiled child who's been handed everything in life, expecting to constantly get, and annoyed when it's not given. You do not radiate authority; you ooze self-entitled smugness. A toxic barrage, scientifically proven to be the first, second and third cause of cancer in laboratory rats; which made the scientists cry, because they found the rats more personable than you. And your attempts to be sly? STOP. It's so sickening it gives flu bugs nausea. So, please Harry Potter, wrap yourself in that magic cloak of yours and disappear already. Don't come back out, until you get the secret sign. If you want to know what it is, it's the sight of the sun, swallowing the world."
  • He delivers one to Torres in "Learning Curve," when she somehow comes to the conclusion that because Dolby finds Starfleet training annoying and dehumanising, he must be afraid of failing it. The explanation is a little longer than the actual "reason you suck" element, but it makes up for this shortness in sheer contempt.
    "And who the hell is Torres to make that kind of comment? Even ignoring a the fact that she punched a fellow officer and they gave her a frickin' promotion over it, she... oh, what was it? Oh yeah... GOT HER SORRY ASS TOSSED OUT OF THE ACADEMY! Look, you trilobyte-foreheaded twerp, you don't go around accusing people of being afraid that they can't succeed while marinating in the filth of your own shame. Now run along; we want the opinion of someone who doesn't need a tricorder to identify a turd."
  • Another speech is deployed in the review of the Farscape episode, "The Way We Weren't", when Zhaan's hypocritical condemnation of Aeryn gets too much for Chuck:
    (Tuts disapprovingly) You know, didn't want to have to do this, didn't want to drag this out and have it seem like I've got it out for you or something, but... I do have this little card I've been keeping in a safe place, with the label "In case of sanctimonious twat, break glass." Why are you on Moya in the first place? Huh? Do you remember that? Oh yeah- YOU KILLED A MAN! You murdered him in cold blood! The reason you're Reverend Treehugger Von Condescension is because, since then, you have changed. You have embraced a new path... WHICH AERYN HAS FRICKIN' DONE! The only difference between the two of you is she was a soldier following orders, and you just figured you'd kill somebody because you thought he'd done something wrong, so you figured you'd pass judgment on him- which I guess just goes to show you haven't changed all that much, have you?
  • A comparatively mild one for Lwaxana Troi, but still catty. (TNG: "Haven") Best of all, it's kicked off by Lwaxana insisting that humans should say what they think.
    Well, if you insist...

    I've been with you for mere minutes and I'm already praying for your horrible death in a transporter accident to give you your just end, which I believe will result in a net increase in happiness on a universal level. I am convinced that 4 out of 5 doctors had you listed as the recommended treatment for curing joy, and that's only because the fifth one hanged himself! If I was trapped in a room with only you, Neelix and Okona and had only two bullets, I would shoot MYSELF. When the Bible says 'Love all people', there's an asterisk and a footnote that says "except Lwaxana Troi." And speaking of Troy, if Helena had looked like you, it would've been the face that launched a thousand ships back home! In short, your philosophy that people should only say what they're thinking is undermined by the fact that you are completely loathsome, marinated in arrogance and heavily seasoned with self-absorbtion, so that the unfiltered slurry that gurgles from your gob unceasingly is a pollutant that I would like to see stopped, either voluntarily, or- by my preference- plugging the source with a grenade.

    Thanks for asking.
  • "Paradise" turns into a long (and deserved) rant against Alixus.
  • He was so put off by Janeway's callous intolerence of the Klingon religion in "Barge of the Dead" that he amended her speech (as it "wasn't judgmental enough"). Ahem:
    "Your backward superstitious malarkey is so absurd, I wish I could floss my brain to get the bits of stupid out. And the only reason I'm not even tryin' to change your mind on it is that anything approaching rational thought would bounce off that thick plate on your forehead—assuming that's Klingon ridges and not a massive brain tumor responsible for your long string of bad decisions. But wow. Even I never thought you'd be so damn stupid as to want to try this, but you proved me wrong! Looks like I owe Chakotay a Coke. He told me you'd never be safe aboard this ship so long as there was a sharp thing not covered in cork. If you wanna have a near-death experience, Torres, here's my suggestion: follow every ill-advised thought that pops into your little pea brain over the next half-hour, and I guarantee one of them will have you in Sick Bay or the morgue. ...Look, I have real shit to do around here, okay, so kindly hop onto your little Gondola of Tedious Bullshit and sail down to Engineering, Joan of Arc!"
  • Wonder Woman, of all people, earns one for pointlessly leading three lives — superhero, corporate leader, and humble member of the hoi polloi — and she sucks at all three.
    "There is only one thing she's good at. The only thing. She knows how to hurt people. And unlike other such characters in that regard, she does not hide in the shadows to do these dark deeds, no; She does it while wearing the colors of the American flag, giving press conferences, and merchandising herself. She is such a horrible person and hero, the only way I could see salvaging this is by "Diana Prince" be a separate amazon character who tries to do the right thing in the shadows while the city is worshiping this sociopathic glory hound calling herself Wonder Woman."
  • In Star Trek II, a bit of road rage compelled him to call out a fellow motorist and compare him to Khan Noonien Singh. Yes.
    "Earlier this month I was at a red light, ready to turn right, but stopped, causing the driver behind me to honk repeatedly. However, while it's legal to turn right on red, it's generally not advisable when the road is wet and there's a tractor trailer approaching. Apparently, though, the man behind me felt that we were not just two drivers on the road, no; somehow we were joined on an unspoken suicide pact that I was thoughtlessly reneging on. When the truck passed, I went on my way, followed by the other driver who, ignoring the wet pavement, ran another red light and — unconcerned about little things like the presence of other vehicles on the road — sped up to pull alongside me and repeatedly honked his horn to get my attention for quite a long time, until finally I gave in and looked at him so he could flip me off and be on his way. And that was all. This cro-magnon felt that it wasn't enough to just flip me off; he was prepared to risk himself and others just to make sure I knew he was doing it. He couldn't handle me not knowing it, whereas I am quite unbothered that he'll never know that I'm saying that he's a phallically-challenged maladjusted uncivilized moronic social cripple whose only possible contribution for society would be if someone created an engine that could run on loser. And while he will never know it, I'm fine with merely sharing that feeling with tens of thousands of people instead.
  • invoked It took over a decade, but Brannon Braga's poison pen finally overreached with "Bounty".
    "Annoying Character' goes to T'Pol, continuing B&B's theme of character assassination of their own creations. You'd think they were trying to burn the show down for the insurance money....It's an avatar for Enterprise at its most banal — although Braga might've mistakenly have heard 'anal' and thought it was a compliment. It's NOT. This episode combined hack storytelling at its most unimaginative with a hatred for women which could only be achieved if your family was murdered by angry tampons! Even in a series that thought the height of comedy was raping one of their own cast, this managed to surprise me. It's the first Trek episode I've seen where the credits should've included, 'Based on Something I Left In A Sock'!"''
  • Chuck's annoyance at Jowan of Dragon Age: Origins finally boils over when he discovers that the disaster in Redcliff was his fault - resulting in a double whammy of a speech:
    Chuck: You're the cause of all this trouble? Wait, stupid question, of course you are - because it's the stupidest possible thing you could have done! I mean, look at you: you escape the Circle Tower, have the whole world out there to go to, with no phylactery to track you, and your destination is the first city up the road, working for a nobleman whose nephew is the King. Here's a tip for your Blood Magic: try to leave enough in your body to keep your brain functioning!
    Jowan: Please, I know how it seems. Poisoning the Arl was... a terrible thing.
    Chuck: Ya think?!
    Jowan: I was instructed to by Teyrn Loghain. I was told that Arl Eamon was a threat to Ferelden, that if I dealt with him, Loghain would settle matters with the Circle. All I wanted was to be able to return!
    Chuck: WHAT!? ARE YOU-...DID-...I... Leaving aside the fact that you are a Blood Mage - which is why you were going to be made Tranquil in the first place - you stage an elaborate heist to destroy your phylactery, get your girlfriend sentenced to a nightmare prison, get me in so much trouble with the Templars that I joined a band of guys psychically linked with an Archdemon. Now you're telling me, before I managed to walk to Ostagar, you already agreed to murder a man... because you were homesick. How, Jowan? How can one man contain so much pathetic within his form!? You are like some sort of Fail elemental! The fact you're even still alive proves that God has a sense of morbid curiosity! You're such an embarrassment, that if your pants fell off and made you fall down the stairs, your dignity would actually increase! By God, you could fuck up a sieve!

  • In Idiotsitter, the episode "The Ex-Boyfriend," Billie and her ex exchange these with her ex pointing out the facade she was pulling (trying to pass off the Russel mansion as her house and Gene as her maid), and saying Gene pities her, and should. Her response?
    Billie You know, maybe I am just an employee. I'm a nanny, actually. I'm not rich, and on the back of my own book jackets-which doesn't make sense, cause books don't get cold. But at least I'm a good person. And that is something you'll never be.
    Dobbs How many times you rehearse that?
    BillieDammit! Fuck you, you look like Winona Ryder.
  • Slowbeef gives one of these to Quadraxis14 in the SNES9X Retsupurae. Here is the speech without the Verbal Tic:
    Shut up! There are no viewers. No one watched this to the end except me. It is a seriously horrible video, Quadraxis14. There is no skill in replaying the same thing over and reloading save states over and over again. A monkey could do this. A kid can do this. It doesn't matter. I don't know what the point of the video is. I don't know why you're doing it. It will not make you popular in school. It will not get you girls or anything. It's a waste of time. I'm sorry. I'm taking away from "On Liberty".
  • Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog has Captain Hammer deliver one disguised as a Rousing Speech with the song "Everyone's A Hero". Pretty much everyone in the audience is fooled save for Penny, who openly looks shocked at the context of the song.note 
    I’m poverty’s new sheriff
    And I’m bashing in the slums
    A hero doesn’t care
    If you’re a bunch of scary alcoholic bums! Everybody!
    • Dr. Horrible delivers a subsequent one with "Slipping", calling Captain Hammer's audience out on their devotion to their hero.
    • In the movie's commentary, Commentary! The Musical, Nathan Fillion sings one about Neil Patrick Harris called "(I'm) Better Than Neil."
  • In If the Emperor Had a Text-to-Speech Device, the Emperor gives a few of them indirectly to the Inquisition and the Imperium, and Alicia Dominica gives a rather lengthy offscreen one to Goge Vandire before decapitating him.
  • The Spoony One did one for both Final Fantasy VIII and its fans.
    • He also did another for the people who didn't like Mass Effect 3's ending.
  • Inverted in an Over The Gun Let's Play of Braid where he gives one to himself after losing a (rewind-immune) key to a Mook.
    It's only me that could manage to do that! Oh, he's such a ! I- I want me key off you, mate, but... but I dunno how I'm gonna do it, though! It's okay me saying I want it back off ya, but you've got my number, haven't you? That's not good news. That's a goomba with a look on his face, as if to say "I am protected by these weird mechanics. I am gonna jump off your head. Not only that - I have got your key." He looks quite, quite serious... he doesn't look phased by the fact I'm stood underneath him; he's gonna stomp my face through. This is the first time in twenty one years of gaming that I have been bested by a goomba.
  • 4chan has this to say to the furry community.
  • The Irate Gamer ended up spawning many of these directed against him, most notably Linkara and the now-defunct Armake21.
  • In I'm a Marvel... and I'm a DC, The Joker delivers one of these to Darkseid after his explanation of Stan's Place is rejected due to Darkseid having "no interest in the world of fiction."
    The Joker: You don't know... (Begins to laugh hysterically)
    Darkseid: What? Another Earth joke?
    The Joker: The biggest one ever! The mother of all jokes! And the best part is, you're the butt of it! Oh, I hate to break it to ya, pallie, but I'm afraid the only reality you know is the world of fiction!
    Darkseid: Ah, so it's madness. Not an uncommon reaction to one's impending doom. Still-
    The Joker: Oh, I was mad long before you came along, oh Lord of Pain and Suffering and... Blue Shorts. And even I have a better grip on reality than you. Those other realities that Stan's Place links to? They're all comic book universes- just like this one! All the heroes meet up at that bar so they can shoot the breeze about who's getting a movie next. And no wonder you're so interested in Stan- he's the one person there who's not a comic book character. If there's anyone dominating reality, its him, not you. In fact, what was it you said about comic books before? Ah yes, they're "insignificant endeavours in entertainment on a pathetic planet"- of which YOU are one! (Laughs hysterically before Darkseid vapourises him.)
    Darkseid: [White hot fury] That's. Not. Funny.
    • In the first season of "After Hours," Lex Luthor gave one to Superman in an attempt to recruit him in joining him in his plan to retgone the Marvel Universe:
      Lex Luthor: The Marvel Universe has corrupted everything you stand for all in the name of high drama. Think about it Kal-El. Your job is to be an inspiration for people, someone they can look up to, someone they can aspire to be like; in steadfastness, in character, in ideals. And what did Marvel offer? They said don’t worry; you don’t have to aspire to anyone in our books. You just have to relate to them. And now we have an entire culture that thinks that who they are is just fine and how dare anyone suggest they can improve themselves? Why aspire to be Superman when it’s so much easier to relate to Spider-Man? No one wants to look up to you anymore, Superman. They don’t want to strain their necks. Instead they look straight ahead at the compromised heroes in front of them and say "That’ll do just fine".
  • Dr. Loomis gives one to Michael in the Halloween fan film, The Last Halloween. Michael doesn't take it well.
  • The Nostalgia Critic already has great disdain for Michael Bay, but he really gives it to the Bay for his tasteless and shameful depiction of Pearl Harbor.
    You know...dick. Cause that's what you are, a fucking dick. When you show this image of the American flag destroyed, you're not just showing your dollar store symbolism that says "ooh, America's hurt." But, it's very clear that what is important to you is not how you view America. What is important to you is how others see you viewing America. So, you can make up whatever you want. You can fabricate things, you can lie about history. You can exaggerate, you can glorify, you can demonize, you can distort the facts. You can make up the truth. Make up the truth about people who lost their lives in this great tragedy. Why? Because you're doing it in the name that you fucking love America. I'm sorry! I-I-I don't fuck around with this shit! I don't, okay? These are people who lost their lives, people who have been drafted, people who volunteered, people putting their asses on the line, and many of them don't come back! You're taking it upon yourself to show that! And, I-I know what you're thinking, yeah, you're thinking, "Well, I'll just make up people because they weren't really there so I can do whatever I want with them, I can make shit up." And granted, you don't deserve the responsibility to show real events. You don't live in the real world! But what happens is that when you take it and base it on a real event, you have to show these real people. You have to get it right, Michael Bay! You have to get it right! Because this isn't Transformers, okay? That's kid's shit, you can do whatever you want. It's not the Rock! It's not Sean Connery saying "winners fuck the prom queen!" No, it's fucking Pearl Harbor! Reality! It actually happened! And I know you're thinking, "Well it's Hollywood, we take liberties." Fuck you, it's not Hollywood! When you take it upon yourself to represent something that really happened and is still painful, and hurts a lot of people, that means you have to do two things. One, you have to grow up and be an adult! Two, you have to actually represent these people as best as humanly possible, YOU SON OF A BIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!
    • His top eleven dumbasses in distress video counts too. Especially in his rant towards Bella from Twilight, who he hates more than Jar Jar Binks.
    • He gives another one to TMZ and another who has ever watched it in his Top 11 South Park Episodes.
    • The rant that he gives to Hyper Fangirl in his review of A Christmas Story 2 (which is a Moment of Awesome, a Funny Moments and a Tear Jerker all wrapped into one):
    NC: Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Do you honestly think these actions are gonna win me over?
    HFG: I ju—I di—
    NC: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You break into my home, you kidnap me, you stalk me, I've had it up to fucking Jupiter with you!
    HFG: I was just trying to get you back into the Christmas spirit by making you like Christmas Story again.
    NC: I love Christmas! I love Christmas Story! (HFG feels relieved) It's you I can't stand! I mean, I swear, my life would be so much happier if you would just disappear from it!
    HFG (slyly smiling and in a confident tone): Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you trying to say here?
    (NC reaches his Rage Breaking Point)
    NC: I HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! If there was a likability scale from 1 to 10, you would be negative Pi;! You're outlawed in 28 states just so that people don't have to talk to you again! If they were to make a cologne out of you it would be called Essence of Annoying! if cancer got cancer, you would be the one they would name it after! Knock knock!
    HFG: Who's there?
    NC: Nobody! Because nobody would ever want to see you! When people ask monks what the meaning of life they say, "Stay away from your dumb ass!" You're Beethoven's Lost Symphony, Death to Joy! Would everyone in an orange sweater, glasses, brown hair and a likable personality please raise your hand?
    HFG: (raises hand)
    NC:You're too stupid to even get that joke! On the evolutionary scale, you're the only one that's walking backwards! You're the Surgeon General's warning on a pack of cigarettes! (puts on cheerleading outfit) Give me an I! Give me an H! Give me an A-T-E-YOU! (is back in his regular uniform) I HATE YOU!!!
    HFG (stunned): ...Okay Critic, if that's how you feel...
    NC (confused): Wait, w-what are you doing?
    HFG: (sadly): I-I'm just gonna go then. (walks away to grab her coat)
    NC: (nervously): *stuttering* You can't do that! That's- that's cheating...
    (HFG puts on her coat and begins to leave, to NC's shock and confusion)
    NC (desperately): This wasn't how it played out in my head...
  • In Kickassia, The Nostalgia Critic receives one from dream!Ma-Ti. He gets told such pearls of wisdom as:
    "Stop being a douchebag! It's totally going to backfire!"
    "Are you willing to let down the people that got you here? Your friends? Your allies!"
    "You're a fool, Critic! A damn fool! You cannot change your destiny! You can only choose to meet it!...and you will fail."
  • The admin of a (OOC) Sonic the Hedgehog Facebook page absolutely tears into the raw hide of the "Pokemon Shifter Mismagius" page after being banned: link
  • In Egoraptor's Sequelitis on A Link to the Past vs. Ocarina of Time he does a seething rant against The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, portrayed as a talking game box.
    Egoraptor: "There is no mystery in modern Zelda games."
    Skyward Sword: "Hey man, I'm mysterious!"
    Egoraptor: (whistles like a kettle) "God, shut up!! Seriously! You want all this attention like you care, like you really gave it your all, in a new innovative Zelda experience, but instead you lead Zelda into a frustrating monotony! Y'know, what started the franchise was, like, this sense of wonder, and what has thus far concluded the franchise as a sense of formality; a predictable, time-consuming mess that asks you not of your sense of adventure or even your wits, but instead your ability to listen and follow directions. You ask of us our ability to point something at something else and then walk towards it. You ask of us our willingness to get another bow and arrow, fight another boss with another giant glowing eyeball. Gee! I wonder how to fucking beat it! I fucking WONDER, Skyward Sword!! You ask of us to get a cat from the top of a roof and carry him over to some guy who says 'Thank you'. The Adventures of Link: Cat Delivery Man! Is that your title?! What's the tagline in the ads?!; 'Cat's outta the bag! And onto the roof!' - Ten outta ten! No Wiimote Motion issues here that could possibly cripple the entire experience! Best in the series! You're like a spoiled rich kid, who gets everything bought for you your entire life, and then when it comes to making it on your own, you can't take it! You expect everyone to love you, because you are who you are, part of the illustrious Zelda lineage. Nothing could possibly be wrong with you!! You look just like a Zelda! But you're not one. You're a pampered, doughy snob wearing nice clothes, expecting to gradutate scot free, because your daddy's an alum. Why would you need to improve? Why would you need to get any better? Everyone just agrees with your shitty ideas, because you're a Zelda! Fuck You, Skyward Sword! FUCK YOU!!!"
    Skyward Sword: (sobs loudly) OH MY GOD!!
  • Arby 'n' the Chief became very fond of throwing these around around the start of Season 5. So much so that it would require it's own page just to do so. Arbiter, Chief, and the villains would mostly dish them out to one another.
    Arbiter: "...You've always been an utter , but there was a time when it was at least somewhat charming. You didn't know any better. It was innocent. But now it's like you're self-aware to some degree. Instead of shouting outrageous things in sheer ignoreance it's like you're genuinely out to antagonize and hurt people. It's not funny anymore...
    Master Chief: "wat, u think ur n e funs 2 lived w/? ...when ur not paraeding around h33r pretending 2 sound samrt ur sitting arond all :( drinking all teh bewze whining liek a little about hao much dick ur lief sux..."
  • The Webshow TV Trash features a series of episodes where Chris "Rowdy C" Moore watches three of the most controversial Family Guy episodes ever. After sitting through "Not All Dogs Go to Heaven" (arguably the most despised episode among Tropers), Rowdy concludes "Family Guy Month" by "talking" to Seth MacFarlane in a parody of Quagmire telling off Brian in "Jerome is the New Black".
    And so, after a full month of pointing out some of the worst "Family Guy" has churned out, what else is there to say? (shows a picture of Seth MacFarlane; cuts back to Rowdy) Fine, I'll tell you. You have become one of the worst examples of comedy out there. You've not only made all your characters as unlikable as possible, but you do nothing but pile on insult after insult of anyone out there that's more famous than you, and rail against nearly every TV show that paved the way for yours, giving hardly any evidence other than "Trust me, it sucks." Yeah, I insult TV shows, but I try to back it up with logic. I also give examples of good stuff that hopefully show I'm not just some bitter jealous comedian who goes around hating everything that comes out of Hollywood like you. I don't go around claiming that dead children's entertainers hate all Jews with no proof. What if I were to suggest that you're just bitter at Disney because they poached your best director? God, you're a hypocrite! You know, I can respect you for going after Fox News, but saying it's okay for the Left to be a bunch of liars and frauds because they're your people doesn't work. Oh, and you had to go off on big businesses taking away jobs, but you go and snatch up almost every piece of Fox's Sunday night lineup once another show gets dropped. And then there's the little fact that your animation is made in KOREA. You want to help American jobs? HAVE YOUR DAMN SHOW DRAWN IN THIS COUNTRY!! And by the way, insulting Southerners doesn't make you better than them. What happened to you claiming they were good at heart in "To Love and Die in Dixie"? Oh, right, that was during the time when network executives could put you in your place! But I could forgive all of that if you just weren't so unfunny. That's what you are—a bitter, preachy, unfunny ASSHOLE!!"
    • He slams one down to the Saban executives in his review of Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation, after watching how badly they messed up the crossover between the Turtles and Power Rangers in Space. After watching the teams fight each other, he excuses himself to go into the bathroom, leading to this.
      (Screaming at the top of his lungs) "You Saban S.O.Bs! I watched Power Rangers for four years, and you repay me by crapping over my generation's superheroes? You want to know why so many Turtles fans hate Power Rangers? That's why, you S.O.Bs! YOU CAN ALL BURN IN HELL!!!!!! (Exits bathroom, and goes back to his studio.) So yeah. I'm not thrilled."
  • On the American Idol forum idolforums a poster laid into an overzealous fan who attacked one of the other contestants
    I agree people have the right to express their opinions, but I have the exact same right. The irony is I actually like both Jessica and Hollie, I may have defended Hollie more lately because of my perception she's being kicked while she's down. I'm sure this is something you can now relate to after Thursday. Quite honestly I should see this as flattering because you and others must have much more faith in her making a come back than I do. I hope IDF represents only a really small percentage of the Idolverse's perceptions, because you're not doing yourself any favors, when Hollie finally does leave her votes are gonna go somewhere and perhaps not where you'd like. But somethings never change and you guys can do what you like and I'll respond when I feel the need
  • Near the end of Red vs. Blue: Revelation, Tex delivers a short one to Church after she shoots him to their location to Washington and the Meta:
    Tex: I didn't ask to be paired with you. I didn't want to come back. But I'm here now, so I'm gonna put an end to this.
    Church: Tex, I would have helped you.
    Tex: You can't even help yourself. That's why you made me, Church. You made me to take on all the things you can't handle. Just like you always have. Well guess what, I'm gonna handle it.
    • Church himself delivers a big one to the other members of the Blood Gulch Crew, after they refuse to help him and Carolina take down the Director.
    Church: So that's it? You're just going to turn your back on us?
    Washington: Epsilon, I know that it-
    Church: No, you're right. I guess I should have seen that one coming. It's not exactly like you're new to the concept, is it?
    Sarge: That's a little harsh.
    Church: But you guys, after all the shit you've put me through, I really thought at least you would have my back.
    Grif: Us? What the hell did we do?
    Church: You shot me through the head, you put a bomb in my gut, you killed me with my own damn tank, and that's just how we met!
    Tucker: Church, calm down! What's your problem?
    Church: You're my problem! You've always been my problem! Each and every one one of you is just a problem that I have to deal with on a daily basis!
    • Later Sarge combines one with an inspiring piece to Washington when convincing him to help them go back to help Carolina and Church.
    Sarge: You know, there's one thing you Freelancers always seem to forget. And that's the fact that we've managed to kick your ass time and time again. Oh sure, you've got all your smart plans, and your fancy technology, and your advanced training, but, in the end, what has that gotcha? Without a team you can count on and your fellow soldier by your side, all that doesn't really amount to squat, now does it? So instead of standing there bellyaching all day, just tell us, are you gonna keep playing it safe...
    Sarge: or do you wanna get a little reckless?
    • The finale for Season 10 sees Church deliver another large one to the Director, calling him out on everything he's done:
    Church: No! You've had your fucking time. You have to answer for what you did. To the Meta, to Washington, to Carolina, to me and to her! To Texas!
    Director: Hello, Epsilon. You came all this way just to see me?
    Church: I'm here to remember what you've done. Somebody has to!
    Carolina: Church...
    Church: Not all of us got off scott-free, Carolina.
    (Church begins to change into the different AI fragments)
    Delta!Church: He was brilliant...
    Theta!Church: ...and we trusted him!
    Gamma!Church: But he lied to us. He twisted...
    Omega!Church: ...and tortured us, and used us!
    Sigma!Church: Manipulated us for his own purposes, and for what? For this? This...shadow?!
    Church: I don't know what I am, but I do know this — I'm more than just a copy of you. I'm better than you.
    • Near the end of Season 12, Washington delivers one to Locus that not only deconstructs Locus' Consummate Professional image, but pisses off Locus enough that he abandons his discreet tactics and straight-up tackles him.
    Locus: I'm a professional, Agent Washington. I complete my-
    Washington: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you complete your missions at all cost. You can say that as many times as you want, but I know what you really are. You're a coward.
    Locus: Ridiculous.
    Washington: You keep trying to play yourself off as some sort of weapon. That you don't care about anyone or anything. But the fact that you're trying so hard to understand me breaks your entire act! No matter how hard you may want to be, you're not a machine, you're a murderer. But you hide behind the idea in your head, because you're too afraid to take responsibility for what you've done. I know I used to be a real piece of shit, but at least I'm trying to do something about it.
  • In the online horror series Marble Hornets, the protagonist—Jay—documents his entire life as it spins out of control through the influence of the Slender Man. This is all well and good, except for the fact that everyone Jay seems to film on his quest for answers ends up having something horrible happen to them. In the end, one of these people, Tim, a mentally unbalanced man whose life has been hell for years as he battled split personalities can take it no longer, accusing Jay of ruining his life just as he was finally starting to recover with therapy and medication. Finally, Tim accuses Jay of not having any plan besides "film everything, find answers and then see what happens." It's a truly brutal speech, and the worst part is that he's absolutely right.
  • Internet comedian MK hands these out like candy on his "MK Loves" series of videos, but the two most savage (and sincere) are directed toward Lil Wayne, for being more concerned about his image and exposure than the quality of his music, and to fans of Hip Hop in general for the genre's current state.
    MK: Everybody likes to place on who's responsible for the deterioration of hip-hop. "Oh, it's Lil Wayne! Oh, it's Soulja Boy! Oh, it's Waka Flocka! No, these people were the nurse who contributed to hip-hop becoming fucking retarded. Who originally put hip-hop in a coma? You did. The consumer. You ALLOWED hip-hop to become what it is by just accepting the shit music your favorite artists were putting out! You never said, "Well, this isn't anything like you, 50 Cent, or Lil Wayne or Kanye West! I'm not going to support these moves you're making!" Instead, you said, "Aw, he gots ANOTHER album coming out about poppin bottles in a club? I'ma cop that shit!" And because these talented rappers started turning out untalented albums, untalented rappers came along and started turning out complete shit. Stop them, yourselves. You let Hollywood tell you what was good and you didn't question it. If you want things to change, support talented artists. Simple.
  • In the web-exclusive BIONICLE story The Kingdom, Alternate Universe Matoro gives one to Alternate Makuta, after the latter consumed him but failed to suppress his mind.
    Alternate Matoro: No, Makuta. You once told the Toa Mata that you could not be destroyed, because you were nothing. You were wrong – it is because you are nothing that I can destroy you. You have no heart, you have no spirit, you have no reason to exist – even your hate is a pale reflection of what once burned in you. You survive out of habit, monster, and habits ... and minds ... can be broken.
    • The speech gave Matoro enough strength and weakened Makuta so much that his mind actually succeeded in killing both of them.
  • NickonAquaMagna2 is known to review Sonic's biggest titles. After Game Informer gave out its controversial review on Sonic Generations, he gives out a lengthy speech to them, that can possibly rival Quagmire's speech against Brian, or even top it, in his review of the same game:
    NickonAquaMagna2: What pisses me off most, concerning the levels chosen to be featured in this game, is when people bitch and moan about the later stages, most notably, Crisis City of Sonic '06. "Wah wah wah, this represents a bad time for Sonic! They give us bad memories way back when, it's bad that this game is forcing those bad memories to come up again! They're a constant reminder of how far Sonic has fallen in recent years, and it's impossible to have fun in these places because of what they stand for!" Get over yourselves, guys. This is about Sonic's history. Granted, they can't carve a level from every Sonic game ever made in there, but they have to include those from his bigger titles, regardless of how hated some of them can be. It's silly to expect them to brush aside certain games just like that. This isn't "The History of Sonic, minus this game or that game 'cause nobody liked it." That said, while I do despise '06, it hasn't left nearly as big a scar or deep a wound on me as it has on most others. So maybe I don't understand the depths of their pain. But I actually loved Crisis City in Sonic Generations. Judging it by the same standards I used to judge any other stage in this game, is no worse than any of them. It's a solid stage. I haven't even encountered glitches here. Plus, it's just awesomely surreal to see cutesy little Classic Sonic running around in this apocalypse. Would you be more comfortable in this stage if all the textures and visuals were changed so it looked more like Green Hill Zone? I honestly think that Crisis City, in both acts, is much better stage than Green Hill Zone is in this game because of the gameplay. I know this is supposed to rekindle fond memories of Sonic's past, so in some way, simply acknowledging this time in his history does kinda defeat that. But they did their best to remake it for the better, like everything else in this game, and I think they did a commendable job. And hey, while I can't stand the Daytime stages, I still really like the new Rooftop Run. I know it's not quite the same, but still. If this was about Crisis City's mere existence not making sense, due to it being wiped clean from the canon alongside the rest of '06, that I understand. But, having a grudge with it? Come on, that's just stupid. My point is, those of you at Game Informer, and anyone else who can't stand the later levels are just biased. Letting the simple inclusion of this stage, and those that follow it ruin the experience due to "bad memories," is being totally unprofessional, and you should be ridiculed and feel bad for being so petty, and yes, I am actively making a point to be particularly bitter here, to take a spiteful jab at you guys. But I'm just making a point. If you can't get over Sonic '06 after so many years, shame on you. And to think, people call me biased.
  • TJ Omega gave a forty minute long one to the staff of Shadocon 2012 staff for their gross incompetence (sadly, it's no longer up). Crosses over with Real Life as TJ's anger was completely genuine. In particular, he called them out for treating their performers like dirt and the blatantly dangerous working conditions they put them through.
  • The CWCki is an entire The Reason You Suck Website dedicated to Christian Weston Chandler, creator of the infamous Sonichu webcomic. It includes multiple speeches wherein Chris has been repeatedly told by multiple parties just why he sucks so much. It got so bad that, eventually, there was a backlash against people taking it too far, and reminding people that, in the end, Chris is not Hitler, and making poor-quality Sonic The Hedgehog/Pikachu comics, or being easily angered, gullible, and over-obsessed with finding a girlfriend, makes him just a jackass and an easy target, not evil. The only crime is doing stupid things on the internet, and thus, being mocked on the internet is the only just punishment.
  • After going through much Break the Cutie, Donnie from Demo Reel called out the family holding him hostage for obsessing something over painful from the past and making it their lives. It's clear on a meta level that he's shouting at The Nostalgia Critic too.
  • In the YouTuber The Orange Insanity's review of The Cat in the Hat, after much Sanity Slippage and several attempts to understand what kind of person would make a film like that, he delivers a surprisingly calm speech, describing the makers of the movie.
    The Orange Insanity: (laughs maniacally) "I have figured it out! I have figured out what you are... You are a leech. A blood-sucking parasite, clinging at the vein of something far greater and more worthy of praise than you have ever imagined. And just like the sponge you are, all you do is take and take, without giving anything of beauty or value in return. All you intend to do is devour. And what is it you crave? It's so simple. Money. All you want is money. You have followed every single tired trope, every insipid idea— the sole reason why you made a movie based on The Cat in the Hat is so you could hit the lowest common denominator... so you could rake in more green. There is no art in this. No beauty. No value. There is just nothing worth experiencing. And, y'know, judging by the fact that you put 109 million dollars into this, that could easily have gone to a more worthy cause, this is the only conclusion I can come to. And I'm not wrong... am I?"
  • Bunny gives one to an obese Madgie in this story. Here's the conservation leading up the reason as to why you suck speech:
    *Bunny: Well, you're so damn fat that Toki's had to buy you maternity clothes."
    Madgie: Any more?
    Bunny: Well, you’re so heavy that you’ve smashed your bed and caused me and the littlelings to be moved into a bigger room, you wheeze before and after you talk, your breathing is labored, you find doing even the littlest of things tiring, you’re always sweaty, your voice is heavier than it should be, you wobble here and there whenever you move, you broke, well, actually, smashed one of the chairs and crushed a metal one, even one made out of steel could hold you, and it is a mystery on how you could walk, let alone stand, when one would be rendered immobile.
  • Cinematic Excrement contains one particular blistering rant towards two certain characters in Breaking Dawn. For context: Jacob has invited Charlie to come see his daughter, Bella, who has recently been turned into a vampire. Edward is, of course, outraged, and starts laying into Jacob, asking him if he even considered the physical pain being in Charlie's presence will put Bella through, since since being in a human's presence will only increase her vampiric thirst - like having 'a red hot poker shoved down her throat', in Edward's words. In any other setting with any other characters, we might justnote  possibly note  be on Bella and Edward's side. Here?

    Oh...oh, you glittery douche nozzle!!! 'The physical pain you'll put Bella through?' Fuck Bella! What about Charlie? what about the pain you're gonna put him through? The pain he's already been through? Did you ever think of that, you diseased heap of rat rectum??? This man has loved and cared for his daughter ever since she arrived in Forks; sure, he's not a perfect father - I don't think there is such a thing - but given the circumstances, I'd say he's done a damn good job. Not once have I doubted that he truly loves Bella and would do anything for her. And in exchange for his love, Bella has done nothing but treat him like absolute shit. Remember the time she up and left him with little warning in the first movie? Or the time she up and left him with no warning in the second? And now, after the last few weeks of putting the poor through hell, while he worried about his daughter's health and well being: 'Sorry Charlie, your daughter has died at the ripe old age of eighteen and you will never see her again.' Imagine what that's going to do to the poor man?!?! And not just him; what about Bella's mother? And her stepfather? And her friends? You think they may just be a bit broken up by her passing?

    But no. They're apparently not the ones we should be concerned with. We should only be concerned with ''Bella.'' We should care about ''Bella's'' pain. Because that's pretty much been the theme for this entire ''saga'', hasn't it? It's all about what ''Bella'' wants, it's all about what ''Bella'' thinks, Bella Bella Bella ''Bella can kiss my hairy white ass!!!'' After four movies unchange of this self-absorbed -waffle, constantly looking out for herself and screw anyone else, whining and bitching and moaning until she gets her way - and she always gets her way, because oh, god forbid the heroine should get exactly what she wants without consequence, no, can't have that - after all of this, you, sir, have the balls, the BALLS, to suggest we should consider Bella's pain?

    You know what? Let me show you something. Take a look at this. (Shows empty hands.)... What you see, right here, in my hands, is all the fucks I give about 'Bella's pain'! After everything she's done in this series, maybe that bitch could use a hot branding iron down the throat; I'll shove it down there myself if you let me! Fuck Bella, fuck her self-serving attitude, fuck everything she stands for, Team Mustache Dad for LIFE....I think I almost burst a blood vessel.

  • YouTubers Akuago220 and NightBlader of Ze Pyromancers Deliver 3 of these to Dylan Guptill while they were commentating on Guptill's response to YoungBlood's commentary (Don't let that hurt your head too much). This quote on the page will be the last speech from the video. For the other two, go here (link will automatically take you to the first one).
    Akuago220: Before we close off, Night, give your final thoughts about this, and I'll follow.
    NightBlade: Guptill, did it ever come across your mind, why there are so many commentaries on you? Did it ever come across your mind, that you might be wrong? Did you THINK, for ONE second, to STOP these rants?! Nobody is going to take your advice! Because despite what you MIGHT believe, YOU'RE wrong, and you don't know what the HELL you're talking about! You know what?! I'm gonna give you some advice! Shut the FUCK up, and go back to your wretched easter egg videos, because everything you touch turns to SHIT! You CAN'T rant, you CAN'T animate, and you CAN'T repute anybody! And knowing you, you going to ignore everything I say, and keep assuming you're right, because you're so ignorant! Just listen for once, and maybe you'll learn a thing or two! Grow a pair, and take what people say like a real man, or stay in the corner, like a !!!
    Akuago220: Now for my final thoughts.'ve done it again. *starts clapping slowly* You have shown to the digital world just how incapable you are of refuting a user, and defending your points. First you complain about the Sonic fanbase's reaction to the voice changes since 4Kids Entertainment took over the voice back in 2005-2006, then about Ray William Johnson's "Doing Your Mom" song, despite you of having apparently no problems with his revised title "Stalking Your Mom", and now here we are. You try to refute YoungBlood with baseless nitpicking assumptions, and try to mask it with a false professional seeming attitude, so that you would seem more valid to those who really don't know what you've done lately, or to those who have stuck with you since your easter egg videos. Your inability to think thoroughly into the economy in general is so apparent and evidential, that you make yourself look worse when denying and overall avoiding the general refutes against you, as proven in your comments on YoungBlood's short responses, and Savage Brodcast's personal message and review. And finally, for the last time, get off your high horse, and quit acting like you're smarter than our workers today! Nobody likes an egotist on the internet!
  • Youtube User TheArchfiend is best known for either calling out or giving one of these speeches to "Youtube Whores." note  He gives iJustine note  a brutal one after the latter released a video about how she unintentionally got a little girl's video trolled off the internet:
    You don't understand iWhore why people would hate anything you promote? Here's a little clue since you're so ditzy that you can't understand this: You attract assholes on this website. You always will. You've been attracting them since Day 1 when you showed us your little 10ft thick iWhore iPhone bill. You've been attracting them since Day 1, iWhore. Anything you promote is gonna get that hate. And she's all stunned like "I can't believe people hated on her! Why can't they just love her, like they love me?" Here's a newsflash: People don't love you. You have a minion of fans that like you, but you have managed to alienate yourself against so many people on this website. You can call it jealousy or whatever, bottom line is: People. Don't. Like you. People don't like when you create some channel called "iWhore Gaming," and you're all like "Oh today I'm gonna play like Portal 2 and this is my walkthrough! Um, I dunno what's this button do? Uh, I dunno whats this button do? Ahaha! Look at this, I hit a wall, isn't that funny?" No, it's stupid! And every single person in the video gaming community hates you! They don't like you! Your walkthroughs are shit! And that's why they're getting thumbs down out the ass and that is why you're getting negative comments out the ass! Do you think when you promote something that everyone's going to be like "Oh this is sweet! A little girl pushing on a hamster on a skateboard! That's funny and silly!" No! People are going to take that opportunity to basically spew out the hate that you helped garner here on You Tube, that you help bring out in people, and they're gonna throw it up on anything you touch! And apparently you'll never realize that iWhore because you made that video yesterday, "Oh everyone go to this girl's channel and show her some love! People are being mean to her!" Screw you you ditzy blonde! You are the reason why the phrase "ditzy blonde" exists! And yeah I know you're gonna come like, you're gonna go "Oh well haters are gonna hate!" Oh by the way, I got a call earlier today. It was from the year 2002. They wanted their cliche catchphrase back. "Haters gonna hate?" Is that the best you can say, iWhore? You damn right haters are gonna hate and they're gonna hate you! And apparently you're not used to it and don't understand why it is the way it is. Here's a newsflash: It's the internet. People are assholes on the internet. People are more of an asshole when all they can do is talk behind their little keyboard or their little computer or their little iWhore iMac.

  • In episode 11 of The Most Popular Girls in School, after Deandra gets her arms ripped off, Trisha Ashley Katchadorian because she was not watching the door.
    Trisha: Do you know what these are, Ashley Katchadorian? These are a little girl’s arms. A little girl with dreams, with legs, with a head. She’s a pencil. She’s a swizzle stick. You could use her as a pool noodle and now I’m holding up her arms. Arms. I’m holding them because you weren’t watching the door.
    Ashley: I was at Pearl Harbor.
    Trisha: A girl lost her arms, Ashley Katchadorian. A girl lost her fucking arms. Do you not know what has transpired while you were at Pearl Harbor seeing the fucking Japanese museum? We had our own Pearl Harbor today. Oh my God! How could you do this to us? You literally bombed us. Like the Japanese you are. And me? I’m Ben Affleck. I’m Ben Affleck and I’m holding up two fucking girl's arms. And you? You’re Cuba Gooding Jr. disappointing everybody. Live with that!
  • In Worm, Eidolon's Evil Clone gives one to the entire Protectorate, running down why everything they thought they knew was a lie, how they had been manipulated in being complicit to crimes against humanity, and finishes with this:
    It’s all been a ploy from the start. Every single one of you were deceived. For every one of you that bought your powers, there were innocents who died or became monsters for the sake of that formula’s research. No matter what good you might do, it will never make up for that. And the rest of you? Conned, brought in with promises of ideals and saving the world. You’re fools.
  • Redditor veerserif gave a scathing one to The Amazing Atheist for his controversial rape remarks.
    veerisf: "I now know that, apart from being misguided, intentionally ignorant, and quick to resort to pathetic excuses, you are also a purposefully hurtful person with no sense of empathy, and no sense of remorse. You’re not just unintentionally uninformed, you actively turn what you know against people who should be deserving of your sympathy."

    "I was mistaken before. I thought, maybe, just maybe, after the circlejerking and the giggling, I could try showing you the stuff you said I didn’t highlight. I could show you what feminism has done for men, or maybe tell you about the existence of sex-positive feminism."

    "But this… this is a whole new level."

    "Your reputation, in my eyes, has fallen so far that dragging it back up to “mild disgust” would require nothing short of a miracle. You pretend to care about other people, but you really don’t. You like to think that you’re a decent human being, but you fall so far short of that you’re practically on separate planes of existence."

    "Deliberately triggering a rape victim? Equating being called out on your to the trauma of rape?"

    "You know what you deserve? You don’t deserve death. You don’t deserve rape. You don’t even deserve some cosmically mandated, hilarious schadenfreude which would not only be brilliant, but just."

    "What you deserve is for everyone to know this side of you. You deserve for anyone who thought you were a good person to know what you’ve just done. You deserve your fans’ adoration turning to hatred, you deserve the judging stares and looks that people will give you. You deserve to be reminded, every day, of what you do and what you’ve done. You deserve to remember every day that there are people who suffer more than you, that there are people who are stronger and smarter, braver, more principled and better than you, in every way, until the day you realise exactly how wrong your actions have been."

    "I don’t want to see bodily harm visited on you, because I don’t want to see bodily harm visited on anyone. What I do want is for you – and, for that matter, every shitposter I’ve ever seen – to learn that anonymity is not an excuse."

  • Oddly, Cs188 does this to himself and his YouTube Poop viewers in [YTP] OMBABA'S NEW WORLD ORDER ACID TRIP.
    Barack Obama: Mr. Speaker. Mr. Bbbbbb~. Members of Caaaaaaa~. And fellow Poopers. Tonight, we meet at an urgent time. Millions have watched YouTube Poops and have spent months making their own, including some who are sitting here tonight. [cuts to view of "other Poopers"] They've seen the dick jokes too often. We continue to face YouTube Poopers like cs188 that have made things fucking worse. [audience claps] There are censored privates all across his work. Everything in here is the kind of shit that has been supported by young people with small dicks. [more clapping] Everyone knowns CS can't actually sentence mix. Dinner Warrior did the sentence mixing for everything in this video. So, for those who everyone who speaks so passionately about CS as the leader who saved YouTube Poop: shut up. cs188 is fucking overrated. [more clapping] More people have followed the example he set, making sex jokes and sentence mixing YouTube Poops. It's an outrage. We need to stop this right now. I want to see Poops with more EAR RAPE and random fucking shit flying back and forth. If you do the right thing, you can make it—everyone can make KevinTAckerman's Top Ten YouTube Poops of the Month. ALL of us will have to change the way we do Pooping. The only solution-lution-lution-lution is to let this crisis as an excuse to wipe out China!
  • From Project A.F.T.E.R.'s sporking of The Evil Gods Part I, there's an excellent "The Reason You Suck" Speech from Zeus to Percy Jackson after Percy, having joined the Prayer Warriors on their quest to kill all the Greek gods, denies that Zeus is his father.
    Zeus: “The fuck are you talking about boy! I’m not your father and I never was! Where the hell is this coming from anyway? Ever since you converted to Christianity you’ve been talking nothing but nonsense and gibberish. You’ve killed your friends because this dumbass told you to and now you’re working with Luke! You do remember he’s the host for Kronos right? Ouranos balls, he’s probably deluded them all into thinking he’s god. It would explain all the murder and deity killing. You don’t even care, do you? You don’t even care that you’re destroying the west and in the process, paving the road to the second Age of the Titans do you? Just go ahead and kill me boy, but when the Olympians are all dead and the Titans are destroying creation because of your stupid gullibility, just remember it was you who held the blade.”
  • In Z-Squared's review of Double Rainboom, the titular reviewer, after enduring what he considers a BAD, BAD, BAD "tribute" to one of his favorite shows, gives one to it's creator, Zachary Rich, after realizing he was the only writer. He has this to say to him:
    Z-Squared: "Okay...Zachary Rich, if that is your real name, which I bet it isn't, it is pretty clear now that what was important to you was not what the fans thought made the show a big hit, it was about what you thought made it a big hit. You got a lot of hard working animators and voice actors, you got a whole university to help you, you got our donations because we were so KIND to allow you to do this because apparently you were doing something for a good cause, and apparently that could do anything you wanted. You could...blow things out of proportion, you could lie, you could use that money for everything we did not want, you basic summary...give a rats ass as to EVERYTHING THAT MADE THE SHOW GOOD IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! And why?! Because "this is a fan episode, you can do whatever you want". NO! YOU said this would be, accurate my FOOT. I'm sorry, but all the blood, sweat, and tears put into this were not worth it! For god sake, I feel bad for all the animators and voice actors involved! They are clearly trying to do their jobs! But NONE OF THAT will make up for how much you FLANDARIZED the characters as much as humanly possible, how you destroyed and obliderated our childhoods, how much you...PANDERED to us and made us all look like IDIOTS, and it will never, EVER make up, for how you LIED TO US! Oh, and you think my voice is acting up right now? Well it better! It pretty much shows perfectly how I've been holding back this anger for long enough! And now, I have the chance to put you in your place, ZACH! Sigh, just sharing your name makes me wanna puke. But let me elaborate on the pandering a bit. I don't think we needed that many references in one, episode! Did you at least ONE time think that was a bit overwhelming?! Well look, there is a difference between making a love letter, and having NO RESPECT FOR OUR INTELLIGENCE! But overall, I've noticed something. Let's see. Ridiculous hype, lots and lots a' lies, an almost non-existent and laughable story, flandarized characters, lots of references that don't need to be there in the first place, what does this remind me o-oh, I know. Zachary Rich, you have not. Made. A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic episode. No. You have made a monstrous combination of a A SELTZERBERG MOVIE, AND A MODERN, SPONGEBOB SPECIAL! I! HOPE! YOU'RE! PROUD!!!!!!!!!!
  • In Ducktalez 7, Vegeta receives one from Scrooge after ruining the attempt at finding Scrooge's money bin.
  • Fall of the Crystal Empire, a fan animation based on My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, has Princess Luna giving one to King Sombra when he provokes her into becoming Nightmare Moon.
    Luna: You think you've found an ally in darkness? Do you comprehend the powers you were gifted with, the same powers I was born into? Where do you think the shadows all go to hide from the precious light? Just who do you think stands against them? What you posses is a mere fraction of their might, the same might I stand unyielding against each and every night. You are nothing compared to them. You are nothing compared to me! You claim to know fear? I shall show you true terror!
  • In his Top 5 Best and Worst Animated Films for 2013, AniMat gave a short one to not only the people who worked on Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, but to anyone who supported (i.e liked) the film as well, stating that they "should be ashamed of themselves, and even would need to reconsider their life." The resulting backlash was prominent, with many users on Facebook and YouTube calling him out for hating the film, and others for stating the comment in the video. He replied with on his YouTube page:
    "All right guys, before you go on your bashing after watching this, let's have a little talk. What's been going on seems to be getting a bit out of hand here. I'll admit, I might have gone a little too far regarding what I said about the people who enjoyed Cloudy 2. My hatred to those movies got me on a little ranting and often we all don't think much when we rant. I still think the Cloudy movies are a disgrace to the name of animation, but I might have gone overboard to comment about the people outside of those who worked on the films. But I will say this, what I said to the Cloudy lovers might be bad, but it doesn't surpass the the overreactions from you people. I don't think you guys understand the hard work I've made in order to make these videos for you guys, especially this one. There were so many people who were so eager and so exited to see this that they couldn't wait. I decided to do you people a favour and DELAYED the Epic Mickey Files in order to get this out first. So after all the sacrifices to give you what you wanted, this is the thanks I get? People whining and complaining over a little stupid comment I made that completely overshadows not only the other 19 minutes of the video, but the hours I've put into making this. I've handled crap like this before like in my Hotel Transylvania or Monsters University review, but this is something that you guys are taking way too out of hand.Look, this video and my review is meant to express MY OPINION on these movies. Sometimes you may agree with what I say, sometimes you don't. That's fine, even with what I said, it won't stop people from having their own opinions over Cloudy 2 or any other film in this video. However, saying that I'm wrong, a bad person or a hypocrite or whatever about an opinion I have over a movie is just a terrible way of thinking. Really think about it for a moment... will you let a little comment that took one second to say (over a movie none the less) completely destroy your enjoyment over the rest of the video or all the other videos I've made? You got admit, that's pretty weak.Whatever you guys do afterwards, rather if you keep on following me or not, is completely up to you, but remember this, I may look stupid when I rant about a movie and often, stupid things will come out of my mouth, but it's not even half as stupid as someone who rants and says stupid things over one person's opinion of a movie."
  • Todd in the Shadows' "review" of Chris Brown's "Turn Up the Music" basically boils down to a 14 minute long rant about why Chris Brown is human waste. Todd also shows his disdain towards Team Breezy, Chris Brown's fanbase, and explains why they suck for supporting his reprehensible behavior.
  • This is the modus operandi of most trolls.
  • In Duckyworth's review of Eight Crazy Nights, after Davey gives a vicious one to Whitey, Ducky responds thusly:
    Narrator: ‘Wow.. just when you started to really like Davey, he goes and has a butt-hole relapse…’
    Duckyworth: Like… LIKE?! LIKE?!? FILM, despite all your attempts to FORCE me to feel sympathy towards this THING, I haven’t felt ANY emotion towards him from the moment this film began, despite your horribly PRETENTIOUS attempts… Film, before I continue… let me ask you a SERIOUS question… Do you know what it takes to make a worse character than one who ACTIVELY drives an innocent being to try to commit suicide?! (Mr Krabs) Than someone who stalks and harasses others? (Spongebob) Than someone who chases down an innocent house pet with a FLAMETHROWER, almost KILLS him with incompetence, and ends up delivering a WORSE episode than Puffy Fluffy ever could? (Patrick Star) Than someone who tries to RAPE two scientists and practically destroys an expensive government research project? (Butt and Doyle) Than someone who inspires riots in classrooms, destroys living rooms, causes a ton of property damage, and remains an arrogant and ignorant airhead, cares more about her father’s fortune than searching for him, and after all is said and done, she actively thinks she did nothing wrong? (Pippi Longstocking) Than an even WORSE version of Jessica Rabbit? (Holli Would) Then a -cat whose only purpose in the film is cast aside a character who DESERVED the main character’s love? (Nhzompekth) Hell…. Even WORSE than a corrupt politician who sabotaged a scientist’s life’s work, killed many people, used the incident to become Prime Minister, and doesn’t take any responsibility for his actions?! (Bill Hawks) DO YOU?! …It takes some SERIOUS attention to horrible details… and some bottom of the barrel writing…
  • The Bad Webcomics Wiki are not often prone to delivering these, instead staying satisfied with making snarky remarks about comics and authors during their reviews, but they stil have their moments when they feel the need to cut loose. After having given Shortpacked! a negative review where they also called out Dave Willis for his behaviour, they still made it clear that they had hopes for him to improve before the comic ended in 2015. But then they sat through the last months of the comic, finding out more about Willis' misdeeds and saw the anti-climactic ending. They were not happy about that and decided to stop playing nice:
    Dave Willis: I am a different, better person than when I started. Writing Shortpacked! helped me examine my own beliefs and grow or prune them as life corrected me. I tried to use it as a tool to teach myself understanding and respect, to put myself in the brains of others. Sure, I'm still an asshole, but I like to think I'm a slightly better-targeted asshole these days. Your mileage may vary.
    Plarbman: Willis. No. I cannot agree with a single statement in this paragraph. Not a single one. Having read your comic from beginning to end, I can only say you've gotten worse as a human being. I know I said I felt sorry for you, but that pity got thrown out the window when I realized how much of a self-righteous, egotistical, intellectually cowardly bigot you are. And this has nothing to do with your attitudes on white, straight men. This is about how little you clearly care about the people you claim to support. There's more than one kind of racism and sexism, and the kind you are guilty of is paternalism. You don't get into the minds of black people/women/LGBT people, quite the opposite, your comic clearly has them say your opinions, your beliefs, your prejudices and biases. How is Ken not just an Asian version of Ethan, who is a gay version of you? How is Lucy not just a black version of Amber, who is a female version of you? When do they ever disagree with you, express their own ideas, be their own people? They're not. Because you don't truly care. They are props for you to hide behind and shout your opinions through, because you're too cowardly to admit you yourself might be wrong. And the people who disagree with you? Especially those who happen to be women/black/LGBT? Clearly they don't know what's good for them. You never became an atheist, Willis. You simply traded Christian Fundamentalism for Progressivism as your new religion!
  • The now retired Fanfiction Critic did several of these to trolls and bullies commenting on her channel and fanfiction writers alike, but there are two that stand out:
    • One she did out of character, Linny delivered a verbal thrashing to a user who demanded she read her fanfiction to the point of harassment:
    Linny: Now, MrPHDinEnglish has been telling me that I won't find anything wrong with her fanfiction. Apparently, her fanfiction is practically perfect in every way and if I were to read it I would have no choice but to give it a glowing review and heap praise upon her. Here's the thing, honey: I don't want to read your fanfiction and I certainly don't want to review it. Why, you ask? Here's the thing. You're being so obnoxious that I'm starting to hate you! And I wouldn't be able to review your fanfic objectively. I would try to find things wrong with it just so I could shoo you out! And that's not something I wanna do. That's why I don't review fanfictions written by people I know. I'm not gonna offer up a tainted review.
    • Another one had her calling out the author of Back to the Frollo for her blatant rape apology toward Esmeralda and Frollo.
    FFC: Woah there, you're saying that Esmeralda was asking for Frollo to try and sexually assault her? Okay. Why don't you all look at this kitten while I attempt to compose myself. *shows a picture of a kitten* Okay, author: You. Are a bad. Person. I do not say this lightly, and I do not say it in jest. You are a horrible human being and I hope there's a special place in Hell for you.
    • And at the very end, after seeing an author's note that claimed that none of the anti-Romani sentiments were genuine on the author's part and that the characters were being represented fairly and unobjectively (for reference on how blatantly untrue this is, the story presents the word "Gypsy"—already considered a slur in and of itself—as though it's synonymous with criminal and horribly derailed every single character), we get this epic conclusion:
    FFC: Oh yeah, f***ing right! (drops a nickel in the cube of profanity) This gets an F, and it deserves it. It was racist, misogynistic, gave all of the characters lobotomies and it featured the most disgusting, despicable and repulsive Mary Sue I have ever seen in my life.
  • In Nan Quest, the Big Bad delivers two of these, one just before the climax, and one after. Both are followed by a Shut Up, Hannibal! from the protagonist, one of them qualifying as a "The Reason You Suck" Speech in and of itself.
    • Before:
      You can't stop me. I have worked too hard for this. You have no idea what I am. You don't even know who YOU are, Nancy. How you struggle in the darkness.
      And who are you now? How many memories have you buried away as your own?
      Do you still seek your children, Nancy? Do you remember the day of betrayal?
      Or do you still believe you are the special one, chosen to save the world from evil?
      Are you simply the one who left, when I needed you most?
      Did you learn a trade? How strange it should be the same that stood so starkly in the memories of your friend. But surely of all these memories, that one is yours?
      Did you live in a humble home? I have seen this place. A dead man's memory. Have you claimed that for yourself, as well?
      What is your last name? Who were your parents?
      Your mind is gone. Your life is already forgotten. Your motives are not your own. Do you have a single thought of your own making?

      You are already forgotten.
      Die here. No one will mourn you. No one will even remember you.

      Nan says she will not leave.
      Not until this is finished.
      Nan shouts, defiant.
      It doesn't matter who she was or wasn't.
      It doesn't matter where she came from.
      She's here, now.
      She is Nan.
      And she is going to end this.
    • During:
      "You speak of sin?
      You carry your head so high for one so wicked, sister. You speak nobly, but sin festers in your soul.
      How could you abandon the church? Why should they suffer while you run free?
      How many died by your carelessness? How many souls did YOU burn that night, while the music boomed, in the fire your thoughtless hands let roar?
      What of your violence? You crippled a man in rage, and dared call yourself protector of his children.
      You MURDERED Henry, a lost soul who only sought his family.

      You left Anna to suffer. Where were you when she was screaming for help? Off playing in dreamland!
      You sent a young man to die at his father's hands, then left the father to bleed.

      And Kim — you were supposed to protect her, and now look at her! How much longer does she have now? Hours? Minutes?!"

      Nan shouts back, in fury[...]
      How dare you make those accusations?
      You steal memories but leave blame. You cast guilt for surviving.
      Lives have been saved. Peace has been offered. And all this protection has been from you.
      YOU are the threat. You started this. You burned those people!

      "They burned for a reason. Evil lives within me now, but I was meant to stop this. But for one hesitation, their deaths would have had a purpose. One moment of doubt ruined everything.
      Deny the rest as you wish,
      but all this
  • In "Eldritch Application", the director of the SCP Foundation gives one to Zalgo, explaining why he can't be an SCP.
    Barring the fact that I refuse to participate in some weird contest of abominations, there's one big reason as to why we can't take you in. It's not a matter of money or difficulty of containment, oh no. We've got SCPs like 682, and it's pocket change to keep it locked up, even when it breaks out. And since you seem willing to cooperate with us, you'd be easy as pie to contain, as well. No, it's that you're just not interesting enough. [...] You are bursting with power, and have the capacity to end this world with a thought. That's all well and good for other organizations. But here at the SCP Foundation, we can't just accept you on those criteria. It's far too much. You're overpowered, you don't have a hook, and quite frankly, you're boring. When you get down to it, you just don't fit in with our image.
  • DaThings1 gives a minor one in Jore Jarrison on Drinks towards most modern day YouTube Poop makers, mostly to those who just don't try.
    George Harrison: [through sentence mixing] I mean, I'm not going to kill you, Jessie Smith, or any people. I really don't intend to. DaThings just wanted to try to make me say something really sad. And its the same with all of those YouTubePoopers. Ah, and there is very few people who seem to sentence mix. It just gets hard to try and make it in YouTube Poop if you don't really try. I mean, a lot of Poopers just make people say lol, non, sus, and yey and some make nothing but dirty jokes and becomes dependent on it. It just gets old. I mean, that's a big problem, y'know? It's much better to try and not make any Poops, y'know?
  • Arin of Game Grumps gives a LEGENDARY chewing out about one powerup in their playthrough of Mega Man 3 and how it's placement was outright engineered to just screw with you on multiple levels:
    Arin: I'm really passionate about game design, right? THIS FUCKING 1-UP CAN SUCK MY DICK! It is the biggest load of bullshit ever! You wanna know why? 'Cause the only way you can get up there is Rush Jet. And guess what happens if you use Rush Jet? You waste your fucking Rush Jet trying to get it! Then you can't use it when it's required later! And then when you die on the part that Rush Jet is required for, guess what? You can't use Rush Jet when you respawn and you have an extra fucking life that you have to die with in order to restart the level to get enough Rush Jet!!! IT'S FUCKING STUPID!!! It's the dumbest fucking asshole move that any developer could have made! (From here he goes off on a tangent of random vulgarities that would make the Angry Video Game Nerd blush)
  • Internet reviewer Des Shinta of "Tokusatsu in review" Had this to say about the climax of ""Kamen Rider Taisen" in his review of the movie:
    I could go down the list of people Kamen Riders have lost, but that’s defeating the point of refuting this.
    Every Kamen Rider has lost people. Every kamen Rider has had that person they just could not save. Every kamen Rider has regrets, has people they wish they had back in their life.
    …And some of them have gotten them back, or had weird moments where someone revives from the dead. There are various extenuating circumstances, but it does happen. I’m not denying this. But I defy This point, that such acts would lead to such an imbalance in the world, and for them to be this petty over that.
    The thing is…The Showa Riders, never got that. Not that I can remember. They lost people, and kept losing people
    That loss DEFINED several of them. As it has defined several heisei riders.
    I could see them being jealous, I could see them being mad about not getting that chance, or many of the Heisei choosing to live normal lives. Hell, ESPECIALLY Kotaro Minami, as he KEEPS having to KILL his brother; and GAVE UP his chance at happiness. I could see them being bitter. I could totally by that. I could see them being weary that this keeps happening.
    But it’s not framed in that context. And Furthermore, those heroes would NEVER act on it like that. Not after everything they experienced.
    And this is not decade, this is not ‘they’re past the point of no return and only one world and rider can survive’. They could stop this right now, go and fight badan, and win.
    Their losses have motivated these people to be better, to protect others and to sacrifice of themselves so others do not have to—ESPECIALLY These Seven.
    “Speaking of, I will give this movie credit, THAT is just plain BRILLAINT acting and direction for this scene with how OOO’s looks off to the side, both in remembrance, and in shame as he is the ONLY one of these riders ACTUALLY seeking a resurrection or hangs onto it in the manner these people claim.”
    But he has to. Causality Loop. Hell, Ankh never actually had true, defined life to begin with, so Eiji doesn’t count in the strict sense—he’s still alive in that broken medal that just needs to be fixed. And doing what the showa riders say, would be to screw things over even more by invoking paradox.
    The problem with this is, this is not a justification for what they’ve done. They are attacking ALLIES! People they have worked with and trusted in the past, people that would have helped them stop this, and all the justification they have is ‘you are responsible for letting this happen’?
    “Now if this was a criticism of incessantly bringing back the old for everyone to deal with, that would be another thing. But that is not their riders doing that, it is the WRTIERS, specifically, (Gestures to picture of Shoji Yonemura) THIS guy
    and that brings me to my next point…You want to know the first time old monsters and enemies revived themselves from the grave? You want to know the rider who was there. Because I know it. I reviewed it. IT was THE ORIGINAL SERIES! This has been happening The entire franchise!”
    Badan is a SHOWA Enemy. Shocker—who’s will they’ve inherited and simply just don’t die, is a Showa enemy. Most of the monsters in this Movie are showa enemies—some have just had their outfits updated from previous movies; and it’s still not working towards fixing the problem. How would the HEISEI be connected to that? That Reason does not explain that!
    Hell, the Heisei DEALT with their monster revival and ANOTEHR stupid retcon about the origins of THEIR powers without complaint!
    That lockseed (The Heisei Rider lockseed of Kamen Rider fifteen, a plotpoint in the movie) can’t be it, it comes out of nowhere; connecting that to all this just doesn’t make sense.
    Is it Kouta removing Shuu from the underworld? Well that can’t be, ‘cause that delayed Badan’s plans while you had no interest in anything but the enemy; and you weren’t attacking them for that. You’re attacking them for feeling loss, regret, and a wish that things were different.
    But that feeling of loss? IT’s human! It’s something each and every human has to go through, learn to cope with, and eventually move on from, but always carry it with you. For if you give up that last piece of them they are as if they NEVER existed at all in your life. Those lingering memories and feeling exist….because they are human. And Every, EVERY Protagonist Kamen Rider Has that feeling inside them. Every SINGLE ONE!
    Time could have certainly healed the wounds for all of the relevant, or helped them move on from it. But to say the Heisei riders—and these ones in particular—alone are responsible, when a part of the grieving process is learning to live with that loss, which many of them are still in part going through…is just plain cruel. And reveals how far the Showa Riders have fallen if they really believe that; if they have forgotten the time when they also shared that pain.
    And to blame them—BLAME Them for being HUMAN! Attacking them without provocation, just because they exist? Because they have feelings that motivate their actions in Saving people? Making no action to correct it aside from a final solution? That’s not what a Kamen Rider Does. No, they’re attacking out of spite. Out of Hatred, and not caring who is a casualty as a result.
    “and thus, their logic is wrong, their ability to empathize is gone, and their reasons are justifications to do what they want. CONGRATULATIONS TOEI COMPANY! You just allowed a hack writer to make your Legacy heroes into VILLAINS!
    I don’t even think that truly captures…how wrong this all is to me; to how…wrong it is to be done by the showa riders. It is so bad I cannot put it into words. But the only descriptive term I can think of, when I look at The first Six riders and Black in this scene, is Villain. Because what do you call someone that is actively preventing people from saving the world? That would discard their comrades so callously? Preferring to KILL each-other over helping each-other?
    (Voiceover of Kruge and Kirk’s exchange from the climax of "Star Trek 3" over still frames of Tsuakasa Kadoya and kamen rider Ichigo)
    [Tsukasa still frame with Kirck voiceover: “If we don’t work together we’ll die here”]
    [Ichigo still frame with Kruge voiceover: “Perfect! Then that is the way it shall be”]
    And it’s the same damn problem as Super Hero Taisen. The Justifications are so weak for the conflict, it actually does more damage to have the revelations, and supposed heroes are once more facilitating the plans of the villains when they’re operating out in the open—when they know what they need to do to stop them without ANYBODY dying, and yet they are still in conflict.
    Oh don’t think just because I’m railing on the Showa that the Heisei are off the hook. Shotaro and Takumi’s indifference to a coming conflict that they could help stop is abhorrent as well, but I’ve already explained Them, and it’s better established they’re out of character simply because more people have watched their series. Most people write off the showa era, and don’t know any better about them, so there are going to be people out there that thing this IS what they are like, when it’s not.
    “And thus, THIS. Is. The Worst Kamen Rider Movie. Let’s go Kamen Rider was Awful, even before judging it as an anniversary movie, but it didn’t even focus on who it was supposed to, be a celebration and throwback to the early days, or even the current rider and learning of the heritage he’s a part of. But this…This is just offensive. Because…It makes the people…responsible for…for much of this genre’s inevitable popularity, pride and Legacy…I mean, Yeah, Tsuburaya and Toho, but the main bulk is Toei…It makes the people that even allowed this franchise to get to the point where it could be successfully revived and run for 15 years… wholly inhuman. In this movie, the Showa Kamen Riders are arrogant, Disdaining, inhuman, villainous…Monsters.
    *pause, begin clapping* Congratulations. You have Ruined Showa Kamen Rider, for anyone who would wish to go back and see it for the first time. I hope you are happy.