The Reason You Suck Speech: Web Comics
- In Deviants Of Art has a rather short explanation the character Slite gives off to minor villain Jackler, saying simply that he's completely outclassed by other villains and is not much of a threat in the grand scheme of things.
- The Hero of RPG World gives one to the King of Langoria and eventually gets him run out of town.
- Bun-bun in Sluggy Freelance gives a couple of these over the years.
Jane: "The next time I ask you a question, how about you answer it straight away instead of going on and on about your friends and your book and your "magic?" I know real magic, Gwynn! Little tip? You have to have some spirituality or even a little depth for true magic, and you're as empty on both as your skull's about to be! Before you go, for the record? I ate your monkeys. Aw, I bet you wish you could smack me with your widdle magic now!Gwynn: (Looks up, Glowing Eyes of Doom)Jane: (Oh Crap!)
- In "Oceans Unmoving", while defeating Calix in a duel as he speaks, Bun-bun tells him that his plan to free his people and let them take over one of the high-tech pirate ships failed because it sucked; because they're too high-tech for untrained people to operate; and that he thus doomed his own people to be killed or taken by the attacking Admiral Jacobs. Actually Calix is lucky that Bun-bun finds amusement in breaking his spirit, because otherwise he certainly couldn't have survived after antagonising Bun-bun.
- In "bROKEN", after dueling Oasis on equal terms but knowing it would be useless to kill her, Bun-bun tricks and traps her in a place where she can't escape. Then, with unusual Genre Blindness, he starts telling her how stupid she was to let herself be manipulated there, and goes on to torture her with verbal images of her supposed beloved getting cuddly with someone else. This backfires nastily.
- He also teaches Kiki to give this reply to Dr. Schlock every time he asks anything metaphorically, this is a literal case of "Cause you SUCK!" which sticks so well that Schlock starts saying it himself. He also subverts this himself later on. "No Kiki I don't suck, I BLOW!"
- The zombie Jane also gives Gwynn one while she has her chained down and is about to eat her brain. If possible, it ends up even worse than with Bun-bun and Oasis.
Torg: All of this, the death and the destruction, all of it so that you could have a chance to "set things right". Bravo.
- At the end of "That Which Redeems," Torg does this after learning that Alt-Riff kidnapped the person he thought was Alt-Torg and Alt-Kiki to replace their counterparts in that dimension, who died in one of his experiments, and essentially, everything that happened in that arc is his fault.
- There is a doozy in Nip and Tuck, delivered by Zelda Porcupine to film director Michael Moby.
"Lemme spell it out for ya, Punkin. You're not a big-shot anymore. You're a joke and everybody knows it. All those actors and politicians and other big-shots you hung out with? You're not one of them. They don't even like you — they never did. The only reason they let you hang out with them... is because they thought your crappy propaganda films would torpedo the president's re-election, and when that didn't pan out, they wiped you off their shoes. You're a nasty little man who made his name pandering to the frat-house socialists and gutter-Parisians with libelous drivel that any twelve-year-old with access to Google could refute in thirty minutes' time. You're an embarrassment and a liability now, and they've ghettoed you out to the D-List crowd. So give it up, Mikey-Baby, 'cause no matter how many "Documentaries" you make... you're still just the fat, homely, unpopular little toady that the cool kids all laugh at when he's not around."
- She then goes on to state that she feels like she "stole the pudding cup from a retarded kid's lunch".
- Quentyn Quinn, Space Ranger has an Energy Being inform a Picard parody that the only reason the Federation's idiotic socialist society works is because he props it up with his cosmic powers.
- The Order of the Stick is chock-full of these, mostly because of its huge library of complex characters that really need to hear one once in a while, and characters that desperately want to tell people off on their side of the story (or philosophy).
- Xykon pauses his duel with Roy to ask him if he'd like to postpone the battle so that he (Roy) can go off and train and take a few levels so that he'll be a more worthy opponent.
- And he was being completely sincere as well. As he says, "Great heroes make great villains."
- Later, Xykon gives a nasty one to Vaarsuvius, lecturing on what it means to have actual power. Rather than break V's spirit, this exact speech was exactly what V needed to hear to figure out how to destroy Xykon. V then proceeds to completely humiliate Xykon with a 1st level wizard class feature and a 3rd level spell, and the help of a paladin. All because Xykon woke V up to the fact that power isn't just high-level spells, but instead is whatever will accomplish your current goal.
Xykon: I now have every confidence that you will act to serve my interests from now on, even when I'm not really around to supervise you. I know that you'll protect my phylactery if my body is destroyed.
- The mother of all these, however, comes at the end of Start Of Darkness.
Redcloak: You don't know that... I could wait until someone defeated you, and then—
Xykon: And then face the realization that if you destroy my phylactery, you killed Right-Eye over nothing. Nothing at all. And you don't have the balls for that.
Redcloak: I—I can raise him from the dead! I'm a Cleric, I just have to—
Xykon: Ah, but he'll know. He'll remember that you killed him to protect me, and he'll know you for what you are: My willing slave. And man, you REALLY don't have the balls for that.
Redcloak: What have I done?
Xykon: So therefore, you're just going to continue following me and doing whatever I order you to do. Because as long as you're loyal to me, I'll let you pretend this never happened. We'll just go about our daily business, and you can hide from the horrifying truth of what you've become — namely, a murderer who just killed his own baby brother in cold blood. And hey, we can both pretend that you don't really have any options about any of the despicable actions I ask you to take from here on out — rather than acknowledging that, like Right-Eye, you do in fact have a choice. But unlike Right-Eye there, you're too chickenshit to ever make it. You'll obey me forever now, because I give you an excuse for your inexcusable behaviour. Now, are you going to stand there and tell me that I'm wrong?... Didn't think so. As a reward for your honesty there, I'll let you in on a little evil secret. What I said up there to Dorukan about overwhelming force? That's only part of Colonel Xykon's secret recipe for winning. It's not just about raw power, it's also about how far you're willing to debase yourself before feeling bad. And me? I ripped off my own living flesh so that I wouldn't have to admit weakness. You're strictly little league compared to that. That right there? That's the difference between bonafide true Evil with a capital "E" and your whiny "evil, but for a good cause," crap. One gets to be the butch, and one gets to be the bitch — Bitch.
- In a Crowning Moment of Awesome, Roy gives Miko a thorough thrashing.
Roy: You're not Good, at least not any definition of Good that I would want to follow. You follow the letter of the alignment description while ignoring its intent. Sure, you fight Evil, but when was the last time you showed a "concern for the dignity of sentient beings"? You're just a mean, socially inept bully who hides behind a badge and her holier-than-thou morality as excuses to treat other people like crap.
- Redcloak gives one to Miko, combining it with Not So Different. However, not only is Miko unimpressed, but Redcloak being quite hypocritical. Not only did Redcloak make Xykon the unholy abomination against life that he is, but Redcloak would be dead without divine intervention making his life unnaturally long and immune to disease
- Redcloak gets one from Right-Eye in Start Of Darkness:
Redcloak: Look, I've spent my entire life...Right-Eye: Your life? Your LIFE?? Brother, you may have had a lifetime but you haven't had a life since the day you put on that cloak. Life is about growing—growing older, growing wiser, growing closer to your loved ones. But you, you're frozen in time. You're the same angry kid who took that artifact off of yours master's corpse that day.
- The bureaucratic Deva who processes Roy's first death has a good one against Roy's dad. Short version: Eugene abandoned a Blood Oath and died of old age; Roy got killed trying to fulfill the same Blood Oath which he had no particular reason to give a shit about besides his dad telling him that until Xykon gets killed, the Greenhilt family as a whole doesn't get to go to heaven. So Roy gets to go to heaven while Eugene doesn't because Roy is, in no uncertain terms, better than him.
- Redcloak delivers a downright nasty one to Tsukiko right before ordering her wights to kill her.
Redcloak: You're right, of course. About me. I have let you have your way, time and time again, because stopping you would have disrupted the delicate balance between Xykon and myself. But now... right now... not stopping you will upset that balance even more. Seize her.Tsukiko: What the-? Sweeties, you need to listen to Mommy. Let go.Wight: We're sorry, Old Mistress. Master gave us an order.Redcloak: That's what you never understood about undead, Tsukiko. You treat them like people when they're nothing but bits of skin and bone and dark energy, glued together by magic into the shape of a man. See, the undead are tools. Powerful, dangerous tools. From the lowliest zombie to Xykon himself, the undead are just complex weapons that we make and aim at other people. All that differs is how direct or subtle our control is. For your beloved wights, one use of my Command Undead ability when I walked in was more than up to the task. For our so-called master, more creative strategies are required.Tsukiko: You don't control Xykon! He controls you!Redcloak: Like I said: subtle.Tsukiko: You bastard! Xykon will destroy you and every one of your filthy hobgoblin friends when he finds out about this.Redcloak: Maybe. Would he react any better to the news that I've been deceiving him, though? I highly doubt it. Because, let's be clear. If I tolerated your humiliating attempts to undercut my authority before- it was only because killing you would upset the delicate puppet strings upon which "Lord Xykon" unknowingly dances. But if you're going to stand here and tell me that you'll expose one of those strings to him? If you're going to be THAT stupid? There can be only one rational response to that. Hold her until you drain the life from her. Then devour her corpse.
- In this strip, Belkar, of all people, gives one to Roy that's a mix of this, What the Hell, Hero?, and Get a Hold of Yourself, Man!.
- One of the shortest in the comic, yet no less accurate:
Julio: I think that's half your problem T. You always think everything is about you!
- Quite a few good ones in Megatokyo. Among them are Piro telling off Miho for screwing with a drunken and upset Largo, Kimiko screaming at Ed for his outrageous behavior (very welcome, as he spends most of the time as a Smug Snake before the lecture), and Largo drunkenly ordering Piro not to be a "losher" with Kimiko.
- Although almost entirely offscreen, Sniper Wolf's speech in The Last Days of FOXHOUND deserves a mention because it is such a literal example.
Sniper Wolf: (to Ocelot) ... and zat's ze sixty-seventh reason you suck.
- We also have this one from Big Boss during Liquid's near-death experience after being stabbed through by the Cyborg Ninja.
Big Boss: You should've seen that coming, you know. You always were inferior. Not your fault, really. You were made that way. The leftovers from the process of creating my true successor. Deny it all you like, you're just not the right stuff - literally. Everyone sees it except you.Ocelot: Liquid, you're an idiot, and your mom is an ugly whore.Mantis: You suck so hard a black hole couldn't escape you.Wolf: I alvays thought zat level of incompetence vould be hard to achieve, but you make it look so easy!Ninja: you wouldn't last five seconds against me in a fight.Big Boss: Would you hurry up and die already? Watching your life flash before your eyes is just depressing the hell out of me. Just give up. You're too weak.
- We also have this one from Big Boss during Liquid's near-death experience after being stabbed through by the Cyborg Ninja.
- One of the Dragon Doctors usually gives one to the villain of the arc. I.e., Mori to Udo in chapter 9, and Sarin to Elizabeth in chapter 10.
- Karkat may be a violent, bitter Jerk Ass, but even he is disgusted with Vriska's Chronic Backstabbing Disorder, and calls her out for it here.
- Doc Scratch gives her another one later on in the series.
- Karkat is on the receiving end of one himself from usually docile Cloudcuckoolander Jade here.
- Karkat later gives another one to Eridan, or rather, his past self, after he kills Feferi and Kanaya. Of course, since the Eridan he's talking to is weeks in the past, he not only has no clue what Karkat's talking about, but also thinks Karkat is hitting on him.
- And now Jane, having hit her Rage Breaking Point, has delivered one to Jake, chewing him out for being self-centered and thoughtless.
- Spinnerette gives us a short, scientific one:
Spinnerette: If you'd studied spider biology a bit more, you'd know they get their strength from hydraulic muscles! The downside of this is that a spider doesn't have the dexterity to scratch its own back!
- Magick Chicks: Tandy delivers one to Melissa, in chapter 16, after safeguarding her for a week following the teleportation incident, during which, Mel does nothing but sulk. But Tandy's patience reaches its limit when Melissa goes on a tangent as if she were the only one who'd been effected, causing Tandy to step out of the shower and belt her before verbally laying into her.
- Girls with Slingshots delivers one to the antagonistic Candy the Carnivore about her hatred for Maureen, especially after the latter marries Jameson. Hilariously, this is delivered by Clarice the dominatrix.
- She blows it off on the basis that "I'm Jameson's friend, not yours", so Jameson gives her one too. This one hits a little harder because up until now she's been deluding herself into think that her vitriolic pranks were harmless japes that Maureen is just too sensitive to appreciate, and then finally she pushes Jameson to the breaking point and he tells her in no uncertain terms that she's not his friend, and in fact she's more like the exact opposite of a friend, and he's beginning to have honest doubts that she ever was what one would qualify as a "friend".
- In the Chick Tract "Four Angels", Henry gives a surprisingly vicious one to his older brother Charlie (especially considering that most of Chick's Christians are polite and docile almost to a fault), suggesting that his adultery means that he is beyond redemption, and that he's a false Christian and enemy of God.
- In General Protection Fault, Ki goes to speak with Patty on Dexter's behalf, as he had been seeking to reconcile with her after the Bog of Bloodbath incident (which Ki acknowledges was a mistake on his part). When Patty proves unwilling to bend, Ki responds by telling her that her negative and caustic personality is driving people away from her, and Dexter shouldn't bother with her.
Nick: What I see in her, Emperor, is a noble heart, a fiery spirit, and a love deeper than I could hope to imagine. All things you could never understand. All you know is deceit and treachery, how to use others and throw away what remains. I've been used before, and it sickens to see that trait in myself... in you, the mirror of what I could become. But it also reminds me that our choices are not absolute. People can change. Choices can change. So I'm giving you a choice. End this now. Let me and my friends go.
- Nick to his counterpart after Nega-Nick laughs at Ki's love for Nick.
- Trudy gets several back-to-back ones in a dream from Ki, Fooker, Dr. Nefarious, Todd, Chuck and her future self, telling her that she has betrayed everyone close to her and the consequences of her actions will catch up with her.
- In Ow, my sanity, David gives one of these to Colette Pickman and by extension the entire Tsundere character type. He very calmly explains how her sudden reversal of interest tells him that she's either unstable or dishonest, and either way he's not interested.
- Las Lindas has Tiare finally deliver a much needed T.R.Y.S.S to Creator's Pet Miles on page 273.
- This Sinfest strip.
- A later event that happens several times to different characters is Baby Blue the succubus showing up to show the character how much they've contributed to the powers of Hell, either by corrupting others or by their own faults. She then congratulates them on their efforts, and in Monique's case, offers her a paycheck for the million souls she's led into temptation.
- Original Life had Janie, Fisk's daughter, giving one to the Justice Defender during the Muffin Arc.
Justice Defender: Don't you know why those muffins are bad?Janie: We're not hurting anyone! We're not picking up fights! We're not working up mobs! We just like these! We like what Jeffery does and youíre NOT going to be able to stop us from supporting him! EVER! If you donít like it, you need to really think about why, and get over it! The only people who consider you a hero are the people who can use you. Use you to fight their personal battles, and settle their petty grudges. Even a goon gets paid. Youíre more like a slave.
- Slightly Damned had Heathcliff "Cliff" Sinclair give one to Buwaro when Buwaro was falling in love with Kieri which was particularly biting, to the point that Buwaro was actually reduced to tears in the last panel on the page. You can see it here.
- Bittersweet Candy Bowl: Mike gives this to Lucy in 'December' after he thinks that she is reverting back to her old ways.
- Miharu gives an EPIC speech to Kazou's father Kenta in Red String after Kazuo attempts suicide.
- Ma-ri gives a grand one to So-Hoo in Orange Marmalade after finding out he made her life a living hell by appearing on television and making a large amount of humans believe all vampires are like him (aka. happy to kill anybody) just so he could buy a videogame console.
- When Black Hat Guy's partner is greeted by a misogynistic pick-up artist attempting to make her feel bad about herself, she decides to respond in kind.
You look like you're going to spend your life having one epiphany after another, always thinking you've finally figured out what's holding you back, and how you can finally be productive and creative and turn your life around. But nothing will ever change. That cycle of mediocrity isn't due to some obstacle. It's who you are. The thing standing in the way of your dreams is that the person having them is you.
- In Monsieur Charlatan, the inspector to Isidore.
- Drew Brees gives a brutal one to Roger Goodell in "Week 7" of NFL Quarterbacks On Facebook after he tells the players that their foul language and actions are giving the league a bad name:
Brees: "Oh eat a fat dick, Goodell. Everyone knows DAMN well the reason you made a big whiny stink over Bountygate. It was so when you get sued up the ass in that massive concussions lawsuit, you can create the false appearance that you give two craps about player safety. Meanwhile, you're desperately pushing for an 18 game season so you and your fat cat owner buddies can make a few extra million a year. And you don't give a DAMN that the wear and tear from those extra games will shorten players' careers and lifespans. So please, spare us your phony-ass righteous indignation over our little chitchats.Take your Bountygate suspensions and your moralistic bullshit and shove them right up your ginger freckled ass.——
- Deer Me features a yearly comic convention arc, one of which was made especially tense due to the usual crew being accompanied by a Jerkass otter with Ungrateful Bastard tendencies. Eventually, he pushes it too far and finally gets called out for his behavior.
Viana: As for you, you irritating, whiny, obnoxious, annoying, overbearing, selfish, self-centered, arrogant, and rude jerk, start appreciating when people do you favors or get used to being left on the side of the road! And don't try to give me attitude! I have more attitude just deciding whether I want syrup or jam on my pancakes!
- Katamari has Ace's irony-laden speech to the Prince and the Future!Prince, who have been busily gathering allies to prevent the Bad Future:
Ace: Back to your old tricks again, Prince? Let me guess... there's a crisis, and you're trying to be The Hero, right? And now you've made two of yourself so that you can take twice the credit. Typical Prince. Can't share the spotlight with anyone but himself. If you were really concerned with saving the day instead of inflating your own ego, you'd look for help from the one guy around here who can actually get the job done: ME. I'm sure you were trying to keep this whole thing a secret so I wouldn't outshine you. Luckily for whoever is in danger, you can't leave me behind, because I'm always one step ahead! So what do you think, Prince? Are you willing to admit your arrogance, set aside your vanity for once, and ask me for help?
- In Tetsuko, Dr. Sonya Gannon lays one on crime boss Slade's henchman:
Sonya: And I will not "conduct business" with anyone who barges in here uninvited, scares my assistant half to death and smashes a perfectly good door. You now have three seconds [to get out of my lab]!
- Billy Thatcher from morphE gets tired of Amical trying to be kind to the seedlings while still holding them prisoner and hostage. After being denied a newspaper he launches into an angry rant. The end result is Amical bursting into tears. In his own words:
- Billy:What the hell is your problem?! It's a goddamned newspaper! Do you want to threaten to shoot me if I tarnish your precious newspaper with my hands?! You take my time and livelihood away right before the biggest moment of my life and now I have to beg for a newspaper like I'm a dog?! What kind of greedy bastard are you?! You're a kidnapper, a murderer, and to call yourself a host is an insult to the word and the English language!
- In Bad Machinery, French exchange student Mimi Broussard gives a presentation on her hometown of La Rochelle to her class of British students and fellow exchange students from La Rochelle:
La Rochelle is a dump. The people are idiots. The kids at my school dream of getting a boring job and marrying someone beautiful and stupid. They will buy houses there, have idiot babies, and create a town ever more stupid. I cannot wait to leave. Fortunately, due to our fine social democracy, there is a well-maintained road out of town. Vive la France!
- In Guilded Age, Scipio gives Rachel one after her former sisters poison Frigg and kidnap E-merl.
Scipio: Faith's your strength, but your prayers are lacking muscle lately.[...]Which endangers us all. Didn't know you cared so little about us.Rachel: I care everything for you! You are my broth- comrades! You let me do works of good and greatness!Scipio: And yet we mean no more to you than anyone else.Rachel: Of course you do!Scipio: So "loving all others equally" is actually impossible. Sounds good on parchment, but you never practiced that doctrine. Ever. You just made it an excuse when kissing E-merl got too scary. And now he's about to be hunted to death. I can't save him on my own. You love us? Fuckin' prove it.
- In El Goonish Shive, Susan delivers one to Tom after he tries to justify his manipulative tendencies by saying everyone tells white lies.