Funny / Ted Lasso

This is a series partly created by one of the folks behind Clone High, Cougar Town and Scrubs — what did you expect?

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Season 1

Pilot

• Roy's Establishing Character Moment, as he and the rest of the team watch Ted's interview as Richmond's new coach.
  Roy: (shouting over the other boys) OI! If I don't hear silence, I'm gonna start punching dicks!
• After having tea with Rebecca, Ted says he always thought tea would taste like hot brown water, and now he knows he was right.
• Ted compliments Roy's career and Roy seems to defrost toward him, only to say that he never thought he'd be ending that career being coached by Ronald McDonald. As soon as he leaves, Ted turns to Coach Beard and asks, "You gonna let him call you that?"
• Nate offers Ted and Beard a ride to their new apartments in his car, which is rather small and run-down. When Nate starts to pull out of the parking lot, Beard can be seen squashed in the back seat with one of the suitcases, and his face is practically pressed up against the window.

Biscuits

• Ted pours himself a bowl of cereal, only to realize he bought a brand of shredded wheat that comes in large biscuits rather than bite-sized pieces.
• Rebecca's response to Ted's biscuits. She really doesn't want to have one, and only puts it in her mouth with the greatest reluctance, and then:
  Rebecca: [awed] Fuck me.
• Ted implements a suggestions box in the locker room, which goes about as well as the audience would expect:
  Ted: Let's see what we got here. "Wanker." Let's see what else we got. "Piss off, wanker." "I hope you choke on a Big Mac."
  Coach Beard: Good thing these are anonymous.
  Ted: No, Roy signed that one.
• After Ted talked about him and Higgins having salads for lunch, Ted leaves Rebecca's office. When Higgins makes a salad pun ("Caesar you later!"), Ted barges back into the room, startling Rebecca, just because of how proud he is of Higgins' pun.
• During a press conference before the upcoming game between AFC Richmond and Crystal Palace F.C., there's this brief conversation between Trent Crimm and Ted:
  Trent: Could you explain the offside rule?
  Ted: Well, I'm gonna put it the same way the U.S. Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography: "It ain't easy to explain, but you know it when you see it."
• This exchange between Ted and Keeley regarding figuring out how to better motivate Jamie on the team:
  Ted: What would you say motivates [Jamie]?
  Keeley: Blowjobs.
  [Beat with Ted looking away, visibly disturbed]
  Ted: ...There a second option?
• An announcer apologizes to the hometown Richmond fans for how the crowd is chanting "Wanker!" at their new coach, only for the scene to cut to the hometown fans joining the chant.
• After checking out how bad the water pressure is in the showers, Ted suggests that "somebody oughta check that thing's prostate". And then, later in the episode, Ted gets the water pressure fixed, causing an unassuming Colin to get floored when he turns on the shower.

Trent Crimm: The Independent

• The mere fact that Rebecca's contact name for Higgins on her phone is "Shithead." This leads to her snarling "Siri, call 'Shithead'!" as soon as she sees that the gossip rags don't have the story featuring Ted & Phoebe that she wanted.
• Rebecca starts to get angry at Higgins for failing to sabotage Ted's efforts to improve the club:
  Higgins: [exasperated] I'm not a spy, Rebecca, I'm just the Director of Football Operations!
  Rebecca: [with faux-cheer] And equally proficient at both!
  Higgins: [genuinely smiles] Well, thank you! [frowns] ...Wait.
• This exchange over the incriminating photos taken of Ted and Keeley:
  Rebecca: I spoke to the owner of The Sun—
  Ted: [completely astonished, genuinely startling Rebecca] You spoke to GOD?!?!
  Rebecca: [sighs] No. The newspaper.
  Ted: [sheepishly] Oh.
• Roy's terrible impression of Ted Lasso, complete with cowboy accent and finger guns. Keeley does her own impression of Roy, which Roy admits is pretty good.
  Roy: Howdy y'all, cowboys. My name is Ted Lasso and I'm from Kansas. Pow-pow-pow-pow!
  Keeley: I'm Roy Kent. And I get paid to play a game. But I'm mad all the time. (Grunts)
• Keeley's utter astonishment (and admiration) at seeing a topless picture of Rebecca on a yacht that had been confiscated from a paparazzo to stop it from running in the newspapers.
  Keeley: Holy shit, Rebecca! Is that your real tits?! I feel like a teenage boy, I can't stop staring at them! Where did you get those?!
  Rebecca: [both flattered and visibly put off] ...My mum.
  Keeley: [gleefully] I can't believe you stopped this from running, I would've showed everyone!
  [Later]
  Keeley: [as she's leaving] You blew my brains out with those beautiful breasts, Rebecca!
• Roy and Ted are doing headers practice with the kids at Richmond Primary and it's Roy's niece Phoebe's turn. Ted tosses the ball and, for some reason, she decides to catch the ball with her hands and punt it back to him. The ball smacks Ted in the face and gives him a bloody nose, while Roy compliments her technique.
• The sheer incongruity of seeing Roy, a tough and angry footballer, cuddling with his niece in her girly bedroom while reading A Wrinkle in Time aloud in his usual, growly voice. He gets to the part where the main character realizes she has to be the one to save her brother and the lesson Ted wanted Roy to learn sinks in...
  Roy: Fuck!
  Phoebe: That's a bad word, Uncle Roy!
  Roy: Oh, mind your own business, Phoebe.
• At the nightclub, Roy admits that he doesn't actually know who he headbutted because he doesn't see so well at night anymore. Maybe people have a point when they tease Roy for being old. It gets even funnier when you remember that Colin spoke to Roy immediately before being headbutted. Apparently Roy was so consumed with rage that he didn't recognize Colin's voice, even though Colin's the only person on the team with a Welsh accent.

For The Children

• When Rebecca is getting her picture taken by the paparazzi, Keeley quickly starts to hype her up to the reporters.
  Keeley: Oi, look at her! She's fucking fit!
  [Rebecca bursts into laughter]
• Colin stating to Roy that his doctor forbade him to drink alcohol since he was still dizzy from getting headbutted by Roy... And directly afterwards he takes a sip of beer.
• Rebecca introducing the busker Cam Cole (the last-second musical replacement for Robbie Williams after he canceled) as "All the way from... outside, give it up for Cam!"

Tan Lines

• Higgins' wife sweetly telling Higgins that she hopes his Mean Boss Rebecca "gets heart disease" when she's dropping him off at work.
  • Additionally, when Ted gets distracted saying hello to Higgins while walking into Richmond's garage entrance that he runs right into the metal door and falls on the pavement, one of Higgins' sons — who were all sitting in the backseat — loudly asks if this means Ted is now dead.
• The mess that is Jamie's promo shoot for a local beer brand. It all goes well while he's following Keeley's directions, but as soon as he starts improvising, from holding the bottle to his forehead to play a "brewnicorn" to cradling it like a "beerby", the attendants are visibly irritated by his antics.
  Rebecca: No judgement, but are you back with that twat?
  • Jamie also tries and show off a tattoo he got on the inner side of his right arm... specifically, the Chinese word for "arm".
• Ted's wife Michelle and their son Henry come to visit and Ted decides to take them to The Crown & Anchor where they immediately run into the regulars:
  Baz: [angrily] When you gonna win a game, you fucking wanker?!
  Ted: Hey, Baz. Fellas. Uh, this here, this is my wife, Michelle.
  Baz: [gentlemanly] Absolute pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Lasso!
  • Immediately after the above, Michelle is completely unfazed, even complimenting Baz's turnaround. Ted quickly explains that, as a coach's wife, she's heard it all before.
  • Henry goes off to play darts, only to return to his parents a few minutes later:
    Ted: You already done, bud?
    Jeremy: [standing next to Paul, who has a dart in his arm] Yeah, he probably should be.
    Ted: Ooh. Well, I'm sorry about that.
    Paul: [in a high-pitched, clearly agonized voice] Happens all the time!
  • And later, after Ted has Jamie benched at halftime during the game:
    Baz: Fucking Lasso!!
    Paul: Nice family, though.
    Baz: [turns and glares at Paul] Dammit, Paul! Don't humanize him!
• When discussing Ted's relationship problems with Michelle, Nate asks Coach Beard if he's ever been married. Beard's only response is to shout a resoundingly sarcastic "Ha!"

Two Aces

• When the guys in the locker room are discussing the cursed treatment room, Roy says he doesn't believe in the curse.
  Ted: Okay good, then me and you, we're gonna go look in that room.
  Roy: No.
  Ted: Why not?
  Roy: Because... No.
• When Ted calls Dani "a joyous, raven-haired golden retriever", Sam asks if it's true that America has so many beautiful dogs in pounds that they are put-down for no reason. Ted's response:
  Ted: That is true, Sam. But it's also something a lot of female singer/songwriters are trying to change.
• Ted gathers the team to discuss the curse on the club's treatment room, only for the whole group to get sidetracked by a debate over which is Martin Scorsese's best movie after Ted mentions how even Scorcese ended his Oscar curse.
  Ted: But I think we can all agree that The Departed is not necessarily his best work. That belongs to The Color of Money.
  Colin: No, it's Goodfellas.
  Ted: Agree to disagree.
  Isaac: Nah, nah. It's Age of Innocence, bruv.
  Coach Beard: Cape Fear.
  Roy: Silence!
  Mae: Oi! Once the word gets out you lot are in here, this place will turn into a fucking zoo. And the answer's Mean Streets.
  Everyone: [nods and voices their agreement]
  • The best part is when Roy says "Silence!" the entire room gets quiet, not even realizing Roy actually was referring to the movie.
• After Nate realizes drafted men for World War I used the treatment room for physicals, the Richmond team starts freaking out. Ted says it's not true which calms them... only to then immediately reveal it was true and he lied to calm everyone down.
  • And then, there's the teammates' reactions to the fact:
    Isaac: What you're telling me is we got 400 ghosts?
    Colin: That's too many ghosts.
    Richard: [in a dead-serious tone] We cannot fight them all.
• Some of the "meaningful items" that the players donate to the ceremonial fire are absolutely hilarious:
  • Richard tearfully pours out a bottle of sand from St. Bart's, taken from the beach where he first had sex with a supermodel. Made better by Colin treating it as Serious Business.
    Richard: This is the first beach where I ever— [sobs] It's the first beach where I ever slept with a supermodel!
    Colin: [gently pulling him away] Smile because it happened.
    [Rebecca gives Richard a Disapproving Look]
  • Isaac puts in a pen that he says is the only one he can use to write his name. It has a plastic duck head on top that lights up and quacks.
  • Nate puts in a pair of aviator sunglasses because he says that a girl once claimed that he looked like Clive Owen when he was wearing them.
  • Colin puts in the keys to his Lamborghini. The Lamborghini that he drives every day. When a bewildered Coach Beard asks him how he's going to get home, the look on Colin's face clearly telegraphs that he hadn't thought that far ahead.
  • invoked While Roy putting in the blanket that his grandfather gave him is genuinely touching, his defensiveness over it is pretty hilarious:
    Roy: My granddad drove me all the way [to Sunderland], and it was freezing, and I was terrified.
    [everyone laughs]
    Roy: I was fucking nine, say something!
    [Later]
    Roy: That is why blankie means so much to me.
    Isaac: Did you just say "blankie"?
    Roy: No, I said "blanket". Conversation over. Sam, go!
  • Rebecca tosses in that day's papers which had another disgusting article written about her. She then proceeds to pronounce "Fuck the haters", to which all the young male footballers, who are the furthest thing possible from the middle-aged female socialite, nod and mutter in agreement.
  • Just as Ted's about to light the can full of items on fire, Beard pipes up "Maybeweshouldothispartoutside."
• Keeley reveals that Roy was once forced to rap a verse in a charity single called "Winner Winner Football Dinner".
  Roy: That was for world hunger.
  Keeley: And I believe it was the cure.
• As serious as Ted's otherwise Rage Breaking Point against Rebecca at the episode's end over her letting Jamie be traded back to Man City is, his frustration bleeding over into the biscuits he's been giving her is still legitimately funny.
  Ted: [fuming] Your biscuits. I hope they're not as good as they usually are. [growls in frustration] ...But dang it, they're the best batch yet! I finally cracked the recipe!!

Make Rebecca Great Again

• The episode opens with Nate trying to better arrange the bags in the luggage compartment of the team's bus to make more room, only to get accidentally shut inside. It isn't until the bus is about to pull out of the parking lot that anyone notices he's missing, as the bus has to stop so Ted can open the compartment to let Nate out.
• When Ted tells his son Henry during a video call that the team will be playing in Liverpool, Henry asks Ted to get a picture of The Beatles if he sees any of them. After Ted hangs up, there's this exchange:
  Beard: Still haven't told him John and George are dead?
  Ted: [genuinely shocked] They're what?!
• While Rebecca is in her suite at the Liverpool hotel, she calls the concierge desk to make dinner reservations for her and Keeley. Rebecca continually puts the concierge on hold so she can get Keeley's thoughts, but then gets confused when Keeley's responses start to sound off topic. Rebecca goes into the other room and discovers that the Keeley she was actually talking to is a series of tourism promos Keeley filmed for the hotel years ago during her early modeling days and the real Keeley has been watching them in embarrassed silence.
  • And later, Keeley re-adopts the same mannerisms she had in the tourist promos to recommend everyone go out for karaoke afterwards to celebrate their win.
• Some of Nate's inspiring roasts of the players. A highlight is the advice he gives to Roy:
  Nate: You used to run like you were angry at the grass. You kicked the ball like you caught it fucking your wife, for Christ's sake.
• invoked Before the scene gets into Tear Jerker territory, Roy can be seen singing along to Rebecca's performance of "Let It Go". Clearly he's watched the movie with Phoebe several times.
  • Best part is that was an accident, not something from the script. Brett Goldstein got caught up in the moment and they decided to leave it in specifically because of Roy's relationship with Phoebe, and also it's hilarious to see Roy singing like a Disney princess.
• The team watches The Iron Giant in the hotel, and Ted tells Coach Beard to keep an eye on them because "at around the 75 minute mark, there'll be a room full of grown men crying". What makes the bit extra funny is that Coach Beard freely admits that he'll be one of them and pulls out a box of tissues.
  • Later on, we do see that a bunch of the boys, including Roy in the background, are in tears.
• The visitors' dressing room at Goodison Park is a case study in spiteful Passive-Aggressive Kombat, with the Richmond squad forced to huddle together in a tiny space on bare wooden benches next to urinals out in the open.

The Diamond Dogs

• When the Richmond team comes back from Liverpool, Coach Beard, Sam, Dani, and Zoreaux find Nate sleeping in the luggage compartment of the bus. When Nate wakes up, he explains that he went to sleep there to ensure he didn't miss the bus ride home.
• After a wild night with a younger waiter, Rebecca gets her stuff together and is about to sneak out...then it hits her this is her room and wakes the guy up to kick him out.
• When Ted notices that Roy is in a bad mood:
  Ted: I'll give it a shot here. Uh, lets see. You are thinking about buying your first house. No, not that, okay. You just realized your dad might be a little racist.
  Roy: invoked Stop! He's in his 60s and he's from South London. Of course my dad's a little racist.
• After finding Roy is having love troubles, Ted assembles the Diamond Dogs (Nate, Coach Beard, and Higgins) by text to help him out. Barely a minute passes and all three quickly join the room in succession.
  Roy: Okay, this is my fucking nightmare.
• Ted drops a hurricane of milk puns at the pub before they're to meet with the Milk sisters.
• Once Roy goes to apologize for getting mad at Keeley in the media room, Keeley makes him do so at the microphone stand like he's doing a press conference while she sits in the audience and pretends to be a reporter from various "Independent Woman" publications asking follow up questions.
• Roy spills why he was too busy to reply to Keeley's text.
  Roy: It was yoga, OK? I do yoga with a group of women in their sixties. They have no idea who I am. It's twice a week and it's really good for my core. Normally only takes an hour, but Maureen's just been going through a divorce and she needed to talk about it and blow off some steam. We all ended up at G-A-Y 'til 2AM and then we had crepes in Balham with some drag queens!

All Apologies

• When Keeley insists that Rebecca tell Ted the truth about the pictures, she tells Rebecca that she knows what it's like to do something awful to someone and have to look them in the eye and apologize: after all, she once took a shit in a classmate's locker. Rebecca is less concerned with the intended message (that Keeley and the classmate made up a week later, and that Rebecca and Ted can do the same once she's been honest with him) and more with the particulars of that situation.
  Rebecca: Sorry, why did you do a shit in her locker?
  Keeley: I dunno, I was 13.
• While Rupert telling Rebecca that he and Bex are having a baby is rather sad, as she wanted to have a family and he not-so-subtly implies that he didn't want to have one with her, Rebecca's outburst over it is pretty funny:
  Rebecca: You're nearly 70, and you're having a baby? I mean, what are you, a character from the fucking Bible?! When your kid hits puberty, you'll be nothing but a pile of dust and a black Amex card!
• After coming clean to Ted, Rebecca goes to Higgins' house to apologize and ask him to return to the club. When she arrives, she discovers he's grown a goatee (or as he calls it, a "Van Dyke"):
  Higgins: (loftily) I think it makes me look how I feel: chill.
  Rebecca: (curious) How does Mrs. Higgins feel about it?
  Higgins: (sheepishly) ...She hates it with a white-hot intensity.

The Hope that Kills You

• When Nate gets promoted to coach, we get this moment:
  Ted: I present to you this whistle. But it is sad. Do you know why?
  Nate: No.
  Ted: Because it has never been blown.
  Nate: Is that the same reason why Colin's sad?
  (The whole room laughs at the burn while Colin looks incredulous)
• To motivate the team before the match, Nate rolls in a TV to show them a video of Jamie bad-mouthing them. It works a bit too well; Isaac throws his chair across the room, shattering the screen... and then calms down immediately.
  Isaac: Oops, innit?
  Roy: (approvingly) Well said!
  • It's also worth noting that Jamie's interview where he badmouths Richmond supplies one of the funniest Malapropers in the history of television: "It'll be good to be the final nail in the ashes. Instant caramel."
• Keeley promises Roy won't say anything Jamie says. Roy mimes locking up his mouth and throwing the key at Jamie, which Jamie dodges and then snarks "Missed, didn't you?"
• Rebecca finally meeting Higgins' very large family at the climatic football match:
  Rebecca: How many kids do you have, Higgins?! Jesus Christ!
  Higgins: ...And this is our eldest, Lindsay!
  Rebecca: (eyes widen) Forgive me, Father.
• After an entire season managing Richmond, Ted still doesn't know what the offside rule is and asks a linesman during the middle of the climactic match. Confused, the linesman just walks away. Later, Beard comes up to talk to Ted in what the commentators assume is a discussion over strategy. Nope, it's just Beard explaining what the offside rule is, using fictional players named "Ketchup" and "Vinegar" to illustrate the concept.
• After toasting to the future ambitions of the club, Ted spits an entire mouthful of water direct into Rebecca's face from a foot away, not expecting it to be sparkling water.

Season 2

Goodbye Earl

• invoked Dani's depression in the wake of accidentally killing AFC Richmond's animal mascot "Earl Greyhound"^note The dog was a greyhound, and Earl Grey tea is an incredibly popular tea blend in the UK is mined for some hilariously dark laughs, including a surreal dream where he takes a penalty against an animated dog goalie that explodes into a bloody mess, causing him to jolt awake and scream "Fútbol is DEATH!!!"
  • It's also worth noting that when Dani wakes up, two women are clearly shown sleeping beside him.
• In the immediate aftermath of the incident, Keeley shows Rebecca the reaction on Twitter. Rebecca is shocked by one of the posts and asks if they really made Michael Jordan cry.
• When Trent Crimm (The Independent) introduces himself at the post-game press conference, every other reporter chimes in with "The Independent".
• It's revealed Richmond acquired a new player during the offseason, a Dutchman named Jan Maas. And true to his background, he does not mince words when speaking to the other players.
  Ted: We'll see you goldfish on Monday.
  Jan: (confused) Goldfish?
  Colin: Oh, it means to forget our mistakes and failures and just move on.
  Jan: But I didn't make any mistakes. Only you played poorly.
• Roy's subplot in the premiere:
  • We see that he's taken a coaching gig since his playing career ended and he's delivering a blistering post-match speech to his team...an Under-9 girls team that hang onto his every word. He goes from yelling at the girls one moment to praising one of the girls in the next.
    Roy: You listen to me! You play like that next week, you can kiss the trophy goodbye, 'cause today you all played like a bunch of little pricks! You hear me?!
    Girls: Yes, coach!
    Roy: Except for Kokoruda. Way to put your body on the line out there.
    Kokoruda: [holding an ice pack on her head] You know it, coach!
  • When Phoebe points out that he owes her a pound for each time he swears, he just tells her to put it on his tab. She then proceeds to tally each swear as he goes on a rant and says that his latest total is £1,236.
  • Roy's yoga group is revealed as the tough and angry footballer cheerfully settles in with a group of older women for an evening of wine and trashy television (which just so happens to feature Jaime).

Lavender

• During Jamie's interview after getting eliminated from the Love Island knockoff, he rather cruelly breaks off his engagement to a fellow contestant named Amy and intends to return to Manchester City. Then, Jamie finds out from a clip that Amy was the Manchester City president's daughter.
• When Roy comes home from his youth team's match, he walks in to the bedroom to find Keeley "giving herself a wank" while watching a video on her phone. Roy looks at her phone to see what it was and it's his retirement press conference.
  • The press conference itself is a sight to behold. Roy isn't merely trying to hold back his tears, he's actively growling at them.
• Jamie's agent drops this gem while informing him that his football career is dead in the water:
  invoked "Jamie, you know you're Like a Son to Me. Now you're like a dead son, which means I love you even more."
• With the youth team's season over, Roy reluctantly agrees to Soccer Saturday's offer of joining the show as a pundit. He proceeds to shock and delight viewers by lambasting Chelsea for "playing like shit" against Manchester United and cussing up a storm despite the censorship rules.
  Baz: (watching the show in the pub) Roy Kent, you fucking legend!
  Jeremy: I mean that is how you do it!
  Paul: I enjoy his candor!

Do the Right-est Thing

• Flo confirms to Rebecca that Ted upholds all of his cheery talkativeness in the bedroom. The revelation that he actually gave Flo a fabulous time with his forthcoming ways turns out to be too much for Rebecca and prompts her to spit out her biscuit.
• When Keeley tells the team to sign up for a dating app she's promoting called Bantr, Colin blurts out, "Oh, like Grindr!" Keeley is momentarily lost for words before quickly moving on. What really sells it is Richard's look of utter bemusement that he directs at Colin.
• While everyone is talking over each other to get out their grievances at Jaime, Jan, perfectly audibly, says that he doesn't even know Jaime, but doesn't like him anyway.
• Seeing the tension between Jamie and the other players during training, Ted decides it's time to introduce the players to "Led Tasso". Cue the next training session where Ted comes out acting like the same Drill Sergeant Nasty he was depicted as in the original commercials the show is loosely based on; his first scene as "Led" has him come out onto the pitch while almost comically angry, doing things like flipping an entire table over, grabbing a water bottle from Will and throwing it into the stands, and kicking stray soccer balls in random directions. Once it's over, he returns to normal and it's revealed it takes him so much effort to act like such a jerk that he actually blacks out and can't remember anything he did during it.
  • Many of the things "Led Tasso" says would be pretty mean if the way his lines are delivered weren't so over-the-top:
    "Led": Now listen up, you little turd birds! Practice starts at 11 o'clock! If you are not stretched five minutes early, you are 45 minutes late!
  • When Isaac speaks out against "Led", "Led" responds by punishing the entire team and making them run a thousand laps.
    "Led": Get them knees up! Get 'em by your nipples! I hope y'all drank a lot of water today, 'cause y'all are gonna be so dehydrated, you're gonna look like one of them trees from a—from a Tim Burton movie! I'm talkin' any Tim Burton movie! Even Dumbo!
  • After the players leave the pitch and Ted returns to normal, Dr. Fieldstone asks Ted and Coach Beard whether this Genghis Gambit has ever actually worked. Ted and Beard have to think for a few moments before they remember the time it worked at Chuck E. Cheese with one of their college players and try explaining it before giving up upon seeing her confused look.
    Ted: Y'all might call it something different here. Like, uh, Charles Edgar Cheeserton III or something, right?
• Rebecca and Nora, her goddaughter, stand in front of a British Girl doll store snarking about how all the dolls have tragic backstories. Rebecca even admits that Americans do the "historical doll" concept better than the British do. A few moments later, Phoebe comes out clutching a doll, followed by Roy letting out one of his trademark growls.
  • invoked Additionally, when Nora and Phoebe strike up a conversation about the doll the latter just got, Nora asks her if the doll — who is apparently meant to be set in the "modern day" — has parents who are still alive, or if they had tragically passed away. According to Phoebe, the parents of her doll are still alive... they just aren't part of the doll's life since they were influencers "and got canceled."
• When Rebecca tells Roy that she's on Bantr, a dating app with no pictures, Roy asks if that means she gets a bunch of unsolicited descriptions of dicks instead.
• Roy makes his second appearance on Soccer Saturday and they discuss Jamie's return to Richmond:
  Jeff Stelling: Any thoughts, Roy?
  Roy: Jamie Tartt is a Muppet and I hope he dies from the incurable condition of being a little bitch.
  Chris Kamara: Don't hold back, Roy.
  George Cartrick: Yeah, come on. Tell us how you really feel.
  Roy: [to George] Okay. You're a shit manager.
  George: Not about me, you twat!
  Jeff: Language, boys!
  Chris: Well, he did ask for it.
  Roy: [smirks to himself] He did ask for it.
  • It's also worth noting that when Jeff cheerfully welcomes Roy back to the show, Roy just gives him a Death Glare.
    Jeff: ...Well said!
• Rebecca and Nora work on a business email, with Nora providing profane dictation as Rebecca types out a more Tactful Translation.
  Nora: Hey, Dickhole!
  Rebecca: Dear Richard Cole...
  Nora: You creepy old pedo!
  Rebecca: My old friend...
  • Then when Nora ends the email by signing it as "Boss Ass Bitch", Rebecca decides to leave it as is.
• As Richmond walk onto the pitch for their game against Coventry, Arlo and Chris discuss the reception that may be awaiting Jamie upon his return to the club following his involvement in relegating them. Jump Cut to the pub, where Mae and the patrons are all happily singing Jamie’s chant.

Carol of the Bells

• Isaac acts as the Santa for the team's Secret Santa exchange, but instead of wearing the hat and beard with his Santa suit, he wears sunglasses and a gold medallion, holding court like an emperor.
  Isaac: Dani Rojas. Approach. May your Secret Santa reveal himself.
• In a Freeze-Frame Bonus, the whiteboard tracking the team's wins and losses (written as "Ws" and "Ls") for the season also has a row for draws (Ds), under which someone has added "(nutz)". As in "deez nutz". Better yet, "nutz" is in the same handwriting as the rest of the board, meaning one of the coaches wrote it.
• Jamie turns out to have not bought a gift for the Secret Santa exchange because he assumed the email with "Secret Santa" in the subject line wasn't supposed to be opened to keep it a surprise.
• Roy and Keeley are planning on having a "Sexy Christmas", which is exactly what it sounds like. On Christmas, Keeley sets the mood in her living room and throws on some lingerie for Roy's arrival, only to be shocked when the doorbell rings and Phoebe is at the door licking a candy cane. Roy, seeing Keeley's attire, immediately surmises that Keeley never saw his text explaining his sister got called into surgery so he has to watch over Phoebe.
• Phoebe is upset because a boy in her class told her she has bad breath. Keeley decides to take a sniff and it's awful, and then Roy offers as well, saying that he spent two decades in locker rooms with sweaty men and this surely can't be worse.
  Roy: I think you might be dying...[Bends over to start retching]
  • On learning that her classmate Bernard bought Phoebe toothpaste and mouthwash and told everyone in class her breath was rancid, Roy is livid.
    Roy: Where does this Bernard live?
    Keeley: Roy, we're not going to beat up a little kid.
    Roy: Why not?
    Keeley: Why do you think? Fucking knobhead.
  • Before finding out what’s wrong, Roy ask Phoebe if she's sad that one of the PAW Patrol dogs died.
• Phoebe and Keeley are gleeful at the prospect that Roy will have to pay each of them £1,000, with Phoebe noting that it's about an extra month's worth of Swear Jar money, meaning Roy's tab from "Goodbye, Earl" was for a particularly bad month.
• invoked One of Higgins' sons getting absolutely mesmerized by a WAG seductively sucking on a cinnamon stick. Richard's reasoning why he brought her along leads Jan Maas to this dark gem:
  Richard: The French believe that having a beautiful woman around is always a good thing.
  Jan: (thoughtfully) That was not true with the Helter Skelter murders.
  [Sam and Richard turn and stare at Jan Maas in visible bafflement]
• After getting Phoebe medicine for her breath problem, Roy, Keeley, and Phoebe go to the boy who insulted her's house to recreate the cue card scene from Love Actually. In this case, Phoebe uses the cue cards to explain her medical issue and tell him that if he doesn't apologize, he'll have to deal with Roy and Keeley's wrath.
• Roy and Keeley making alternate plans after Sexy Christmas is interrupted is heartwarming in its portrayal of two mature adults who have their priorities straight (obviously, looking after Phoebe when the poor girl unexpectedly can't spend Christmas with her mother is more important than anything else). However, their matter-of-fact deadpan approach is still absolutely hilarious.
  Keeley: That's okay, we'll do Sexy Boxing Day.
  Roy: Can't. There's a match all day Boxing Day, I'm working.
  Keeley: Damn. And I can't do the day after...
  [Beat]
  Keeley: Sexy December 28th.
  Roy: December 28th. The sexiest of all the days.
• Rebecca's first charity "santa" program recipient, immediately upon opening the door: A genuinely alarmed "MUM, THERE'S WHITE PEOPLE AT THE DOOR AND THEY'RE SMILING!"
• Dani and Zoreaux's NERF battle with the Higgins boys, which they act out as seriously as though they were in the middle of a real war zone.
  Dani: We're not going to make it. Tell my incredibly beautiful wife I love her.
  Zoreaux: I'm not going to do that, 'cause you're gonna tell her yourself. Then you're going to hook me up with her identical, beautiful twin sister.
• Zoreaux arrives at Higgins' Christmas party and immediately, unabashedly admits that he just walked into Higgins' neighbor's house by mistake. Gets even funnier when you realize he walks in right on the heels of Dani, Richard, and Jan Maas, meaning either he got to Higgins' street at the same time as them and still somehow managed to walk into the wrong house, or he arrived before them and took several minutes to figure out he was in the wrong house.

Rainbow

• Keeley inking a deal with Nespresso to get the players free coffee machines leads to a few funny bits as the players all pick up their machines:
  • Keeley asks Colin that, when he posts himself using it on Instagram, he not tie it into the Welsh independence movement like his other posts. Colin has to think about it for a few seconds before hesitantly saying yes.
  • Dani asks Keeley if he can give it to his neighbor, as he doesn't drink coffee:
    Dani: My mother says I was born caffeinated!
  • Zoreaux, apparently not understanding how sponsorships work, asks Keeley if he can exchange the coffee machine for cash.
• After her chat with Higgins, Rebecca asks him if he had seen what was on her phone screen - specifically, that she was texting on Bantr. Higgins reassures her that, since he has five sons, he makes it a point never to look over anyone's shoulders at screens.
• This exchange about Roy's livid language:
  Roy: Too many fucks?
  Ted: I don't know. kinda like all the nipples in that movie Showgirls. Halfway through you don't even notice them anymore, you just kinda get sucked into the narrative.
  Roy: I dated Gina Gershon once.
  Ted: That makes me happy.
• After making his way to Nelson Road (and injuring his knee in the process), Roy tries to enter the stadium only to be stopped by ticket checkers who don't believe he's Roy Kent. Frustrated, Roy goes all the way to the will call booth to pick up the ticket Ted has kept saving for him and comes back to give it to the two:
  Male ticket checker: (accepts it) Enjoy the game.
  Roy: Fuck you.
  Female ticket checker: (pleasantly surprised) Oh, it is you!
• Keeley and Rebecca are teaching Nate to be more assertive and confident, so Rebecca shows him what she does to pump herself up before board meetings: make herself as tall as she can, raise her arms over her head, and roar. Keeley is clearly impressed:
  Keeley: Fuck, you’re amazing. Let’s invade France.
• When Ted declares that he believes in communism, most of the players look taken aback, but Jan Maas can be seen nodding approvingly before Ted clarifies that he means "rom-communism".

The Signal

• When Higgins tries to climb into the window to Ted's office, Ted suggests he do it "Dukes of Hazzard style", then musing that the British may refer to them as "The Earls of Risk."
• When Beard says he's gotten back together with Jane, every coach's response makes it absolutely clear they do not love this development. Then Higgins actually says out loud, "Do you think that's such a good idea?" and they all give him a "WTF is wrong with you, you utter piece of shite?" look. He looks scared and confused. Beard... is a little upset, perhaps? Of course, typical for the show, the payoff for this conflict is hearts.
• Roy has settled in to his new job as coach, but refuses to do anything to coach Jamie even though the latter has shown him nothing but respect:
  Ted: Hey, Roy. You know you're paid to coach the whole team, right?
  Roy: No, no, that's fine. Just take 4% off my paycheck.
  • He did the math. There's 25 players on the team.
• Rebecca's mother bursts into her house after having left her husband (yet again) and in the kitchen comes face to face with Rebecca's date who stayed the night — and who is also completely naked. Then the cleaning lady walks in on all three of them. "I'll start with the study."
  Rebecca: Luca, will you PLEASE put some clothes on?!
• This exchange after Ted meets Rebecca's mother:
  Ted: Boy, I love meeting people's moms. It's like reading an instruction manual as to why they're nuts.
  Beard: (to the team, in a high-pitched shriek) Let's gooooooo!
  Ted: How's Mrs. Beard doing, by the way?
  Beard: Full-blown QAnon.
  Ted: Yep.
• When Higgins calls a meeting of the Diamond Dogs, Ted invites Roy to join the club and talk with them. Roy is having none of it and immediately leaves the room.
  • Then Ted drops a nugget of wisdom about why you should never comment on a relationship:
    Ted: One of my best friends growing up was this fella Marcus Girard, he dated the same girl from grade school to high school to college, whole time, and, she could be a little bit of a pill, if I'm bein honest, y'know, no reason to start lyin now, and, uh, well, I let him know that. I told him so, and he was not too pleased. All right, and that is the last time I ever gave a best man speech.
• At the pub, the regulars shout abuse at the telly, as expected. We then learn that they are not watching football this time. Instead, they're engrossed in The Great British Bake Off.
  The Pub Regulars: Soggy bottom! Poor little cake!
• Everyone in the pub is getting tense in preparation for Richmond's big FA Cup match against Tottenham Hotspur and we get an amusing bit from Baz and Mae:
  Baz: I swear, if we actually win this match, I will burn this pub to the ground! (Mae gives him a Death Glare) I will… knock over a chair! (Mae continues glaring) ... I will channel my raging enthusiasm into ways to help my community. (Mae smiles and goes back to serving drinks)
• Roy works out a signal for when the teams needs Jamie to be a Jerkass again. That signal? The entire coaching staff flips him off. Ted, being the nice guy that he is, tries to obscure the signal beneath his coat.
  • The announcers, who don't know the context, express surprise at this, and apologize to the viewers for the rudeness.
    Chris Powell: Seems like Lasso has really settled into our culture.
  • The look on Jamie’s face when this happens. For a second he seems legitimately offended before he visibly realizes what’s happening.
• When Keeley overhears Rebecca and Higgins talking about Coach Beard's relationship with Jane, she tells them that one time Jane followed her all the way home to interrogate her over whether Beard and Ted were having an affair.
• Isaac is so impressed by Colin's ability to rap all the lyrics to "Jumpman" that he makes Sam put his phone away and pay attention.
• Surprise Sandwich Friday involves Beard and Ted making sandwiches for each other, Surprise Santa style. Because Ted's been called away to have lunch with Rebecca and her mum, he ups the game. When Beard finishes his own sandwich, he up-ends the bag with "Surprise Sandwich Friday" written on the side. Surprise! Now there's two sandwiches!

Headspace

• When Roy walks in on Keeley talking to Higgins and Rebecca about him, the other two start randomly jazz scatting to cover it up. When Keeley and Roy leave, they pick up as if nothing had happened.
• Rebecca learns that her Bantr match's favorite movie is Ratatouille, which gives her pause. Keeley refuses to see that as a problem:
  Keeley: Who fucking cares what his favorite movie is? Also, Ratatouille is a goddamn masterpiece, and ironically, it's about snobbery and how good art can come from anywhere. Stop your dithering and go fuck your cartoon rat.
• The rest of the team has gotten so engrossed in Sam's interactions with his Bantr match that they all huddle around him and look at his phone when he announces there's "three dots" and groan in disappointment when the match stops typing.
• Nate enters his office and finds Coach Beard sitting at his desk, giving him a Jump Scare. After Beard gives Nate a dressing-down for how he treated Colin, he dismisses him. Nate leaves, then remembers that they were in his office, and steps back in. Beard has gone, just as suddenly as he appeared.
  • Upon seeing that Beard is gone, Nate looks around his office to see where he went... and then looks up as if Beard might have gone into the ceiling.
• Keeley rejects Roy's advances, only to get Distracted by the Sexy and jump all over him five seconds later because his obedience turned her on. To top it all off, the ensuing Sexy Discretion Shot cuts over to the stadium's lawn sprinklers going off.
• Keeley has a smoke in the equipment room to get some time to herself. Naturally, she is joined one-by-one by Ted, Rebecca, Higgins, Will, and Jamie.
  • After everyone else leaves, Will continues cleaning the equipment and is confused when he pulls a boot off the shelf and finds it filled with cigarette butts.
  • Keeley notes that she regularly uses the equipment room to smoke, but jokes that the cigarettes are just to cover the smell of the boots.
  • Roy is the very last person to enter the room, and asks if they were talking about him. Everyone responds with a Blunt "Yes".
• During training, it's shown that whenever Roy needs the players to stop, he yells "Whistle! Whistle":
  Isaac: Roy, why don't you just use an actual whistle?
  Roy: I told you, my lips are sensitive to impure metals and whistles give me mouth hives.
• Roy starts dressing down Jamie for not, in his opinion, providing close enough cover during training. When Jamie starts explaining that the best thing to do in that situation is to provide space, a light bulb finally pops on in Roy's brain as the situation on the pitch is analogous to what's going on in his relationship with Keeley. The fact that he's receiving helpful relationship advice from Jamie of all people doesn't help either.
  Roy: ...Fuck! (starts leaving the pitch)
  Jamie: (confused) I didn't say nothing bad this time.
• When Ted lies to Trent and says that he left the match because of food poisoning, Mae loudly clears her throat. He quickly clarifies that it wasn't from The Crown & Anchor, to her satisfaction.

Man City

• This brief conversation between Keeley and Rebecca:
  Keeley: I haven't found a term I like yet for when I tell people I'm taking a shit. What do you use?
  Rebecca: "I need to reapply my lip liner". Men don't know what that means, and women understand it requires time and focus.
• Apparently Roy's constant swearing has rubbed off on Phoebe and he gets sat down by her teacher, where he swears some more. As soon as him and Phoebe are gone though, the teacher lets out her own Precision F-Strike over some glitter stains.
  Ms. Bowen: Today she called one of her classmates an "apathetic shitfucker".
  Roy: Are they?
  Ms. Bowen: Oh yes! But that's not the point.
• Phoebe invites Roy to come inside to play "Princess and Dragon" and it turns out Roy has to play the princess in the make-believe game.
  Roy: Can I be the dragon this time?
  Phoebe: No!
  Roy: Fine...but you better have fixed the wand.
• Ted playing several voicemails Dr. Fieldstone has sent him while under the influence of her concussion, one of them has her singing "Tonight" from West Side Story.
• Sam asks Isaac for his one haircut of the season, prompting Isaac to pause and consider if the occasion is important enough for his skills. Meanwhile, Colin is choking beneath his weights because Isaac forgot he's supposed to be spotting.
  • Isaac was only spotting Colin in the first place because he took over for Jaime, who also forgot he was supposed to be spotting.
    Jamie: Why didn't you say something?
    Colin: It was on my neck!
• The Mundane Made Awesome ritual that is Isaac giving haircuts. The whole team gathers in the locker room with Sam sitting on a chair raised up like a throne as Jamie and Richard drape the barber's cape over him like a cloak while Will stands to the side with a box of clippers and combs like a knight's squire. Isaac then gets to work on Sam with grandiose movements as he cuts his hair. And as usual Jan Maas breaks off the tension with his remarks, much to everyone's annoyance.
  Jamie: Shut the fuck up, Jan Maas.
  • It's also revealed Isaac only grants one haircut for each player per season, so they have to be careful when picking when they get theirs:
    Dani: I'm not using mine until I marry... or I get circumsized.
  • And for all the hullabaloo, the end result turns out to be little more than a neat trim... which is somehow still notable enough to be pointed out by commentators as Richmond's sole positive after they are thrashed by Manchester City later in the episode.
• Jamie reluctantly asks Higgins for tickets to give to his father and two of his friends, one of whom is named Bug—which is his real name, as he legally changed it. Higgins asks if this is because he's small like a bug, but Jamie replies that it's because he eats bugs for money.
• Ted tries to give a Rousing Speech similar to the "same size court" speech from Hoosiers to the team at Wembley, only to be undermined by the other coaches correcting him on a few points:
  Ted: You take away the stadium and all the stands, I think you'll find it's the same size as our pitch back home on Nelson Road.
  Beard: Not exactly.
  Ted: What's that?
  Nate: It's 500 square yards bigger.
  Ted: Really? The pitches aren't the same size?
  Roy: No.
  Nate: This is the biggest pitch in the country.
  Beard: Huge advantage for City.
  Ted: Boy, oh, boy. This sport has the loosiest-goosiest rules of all. Tough to get my head around sometimes. Okay. All right. It's bigger. And, look, I know y'all grew up watching games on this field, so you're probably a little nervous. Shoot, I know I got goose bumps. I remember being a little kid, sitting in front of the television and watching Queen perform right over there during Live Aid.
  Beard: No, you didn't.
  Roy: That was old Wembley.
  Nate: That field was even bigger.
  Ted: It doesn't matter. Point is, guys, we're here now, okay? At this Wembley. The one that Freddie Mercury never stepped foot in...
  • Note that Ted is clearly now more disappointed over the fact he doesn't get to coach in the same stadium Freddie Mercury performed in than concerned about the upcoming match.
• After Richmond falls into a three goal deficit against Manchester City in the semi-final, the coaching staff quickly tries to figure out a new game plan. Nate suggests parking the bus, which an incredulous Coach Beard points out isn't helpful if you're already losing.
• During the semi-final match, Nate gets yellow carded by Mike Dean^note  For non-soccer fan viewers, Dean is a real life Premier League referee who is infamous for making several controversial calls during his career. when he calls him a "dickless wonder":
  Ted: Sorry about that, Mike. We all know you have a penis.
  Mike: (shrugs) I've been called worse.

Beard After Hours

• Coach Beard goes to the Crown & Anchor and when Mae gives him his beer, she begins to question him over the tactic choices:
  Coach Beard: Mae.
  Mae: All right. Enjoy your beer. (walks off-screen then quickly comes back) But come on. There's no way you thought coming out on the attack was a good idea. You basically left Zoreaux back there to defend by himself. (Beard takes his beer and walks off to a table) In a semi-final. In a semi-final!
• When Beard and the pub regulars pull a Bavarian Fire Drill on the receptionist of a swanky club so they can get in, Beard tells the pub regulars to "act cool". They immediately do just that; Paul stands awkwardly to hide Beard from view, Jeremy loudly points out Orion in the sky to nobody in particular, and Baz just moonwalks.
• A blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment of funny: The license plate of the limo the pub trio win at the country club reads "BIG LMO".
• In the final scene, the morning after, the coaching staff watches the Wembley game highlights...which are sped up and set to the theme of The Benny Hill Show so their mistakes are easier to watch.

No Weddings and a Funeral

• When Rebecca's mother tells him his boxers leave little to the imagination, Sam awkwardly crouches behind the kitchen counter to hide his crotch.
• When the coaching staff are sitting in Ted's office and discussing their thoughts on death, Beard brings up a fact:
  Beard: You know, if you weigh a person's body right after death, it's 21.3 grams lighter, and some say that's the weight of the soul.
  Roy: Whoever figured that out clearly weighed someone, murdered them, then weighed them again.
• Isaac gathers the players for a team meeting to set some ground rules for Rebecca's father's funeral and it turns out AFC Richmond are a group of manchildren, with Isaac needing to point out that they have to wear ties and dress shoes and that shirts are mandatory. Also, Colin and Dani are so unused to dressing formally that they don't know where to buy dress shoes. Colin in particular is so detached from normal life that he's baffled by the idea of simply going to a store and buying shoes instead of lining up for them all night.
  Isaac: Oi! So we are going to this funeral as a team. So that means: ties, shirts, and no trainers!
  Team: What? Whoa!
  Zoreaux: OK...but what if they're really nice Yeezys?
  Isaac: What colour?
  Zoreaux: Bright red.
  Isaac: [Death Glare]
  Zoreaux: OK...I'll wear some dress shoes...
• While getting ready for the funeral, Keeley and Roy discuss their plans for what they want to happen to them after they die. Keeley says she wants to be buried in a biodegradable bag to fertilize a fruit tree, so her family and friends can enjoy the fruit (which Roy finds disturbing). Roy himself has a different train of thought:
  Keeley: Like, if you were hit by a bus today, what do I do?
  Roy: Go after the bus driver and make him pay for what he did to me. Avenge me, Keeley. Avenge me!
• When Rupert greets Sassy inside the church before the ceremony, she doesn't even bother to hide how much she despises him.
  Sassy: Rupert, I think about your death every single day. Oh, I can't wait. I'm going to wear red to your funeral. I will be a beacon of joy to the other three people there.
  Rupert: Always a pleasure, Sassy.
  Sassy: Fuck off and die, Rupert.
• Outside the church, Keeley promises Rebecca she'll be there to support her throughout the day, only to immediately run over to talk to Flo. Rebecca awkwardly looks over at Roy, who just says he's used to it.
  Keeley: Whatever you need, I'm here for you. I won't leave your side.
  Flo: (from inside the church) JONES!
  Keeley: (running inside) Sassy, oh my God!!
• Rebecca, Keeley, Sassy, Nora, and Deborah (Rebecca's mother), four generations of women all screaming like schoolgirls (at a church!) when they find out that Rebecca has been sleeping with Sam. Points go to Keeley, who after one hint instantly deduces Rebecca's new paramour.
• Nora's reaction to learning that Rebecca, her godmother, has been sleeping with Sam, her favourite player and crush, is somewhere between awe and glee, and before leaving the room, hails Rebecca as a "boss ass bitch".
• During the service, Colin glances around the room and finds Bex casually breastfeeding her baby. He stares a few seconds, then turns around looking mildly perturbed.
• Dani is so unused to wearing dress shoes that Jamie needs to help him walk. Later, he ditches the shoes for a pair of fuzzy slippers that Rebecca used to own, and is extremely grateful to her for letting him keep them.
  Dani: When I get home, I'm going to burn them and their memory will burn in hell!
  Jamie: Jesus, Dani!
  Dani: Jesus has no place in the conversation about these damn shoes!
  • This also comes with the amusing reveal that Rebecca and Dani wear the same shoe size.
• The otherwise tearjerking session of Ted and Sharon has its moments. First she breaks the ice by reveling she shares Ted's distaste for tea. In the end, while giving him a much-needed hug, she makes it clear she'll definitely charge him for the house call and he praises her professionalism.
• Rebecca and her mother discuss Sassy and remark that she has a thing for damaged men. Sure enough, we see Sassy make a beeline for Ted, who's had a major breakdown that very day.
• While Rebecca spending time with her mother after the funeral is mostly heartwarming, it still leads to some funny moments:
  • When they watch a home video of Rebecca when she was little and reminisce about her childhood, the footage suddenly switches to the music video for "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. That's right, they just got RickRolled.
  • As Rebecca and her mother watch the music video, Deborah grows confused. She'd apparently never seen it before, and was under the impression that Rick Astley was Black.^note This was indeed a common misconception in those pre-Internet days, thanks to the Vocal Dissonance of a gawky redhead having such a deep, powerful voice.
• Most of the Richmond players come up to Rebecca at some point before or after the funeral to give their condolences. The last one to talk to Rebecca is Zoreaux, who stops by Rebecca and Deborah on the way back to the team bus to very gently and sincerely tell them... that the food was amazing.

Midnight Train to Royston

• The whole "Bye Bye Bye" scene is comedy gold from start to finish.
  • To clarify, Ted is having the team practice the choreography from the “Bye Bye Bye” music video as a goodbye gift to Dr. Sharon - when Beard tells the team that they nailed it, their reactions are so over the top that you’d think they’d just won the league.
  • Jamie in particular is so dedicated to the choreography that you get the feeling that he's a closet *NSYNC fan and probably would've done this even before he Took a Level in Kindness.
  • The dawning realisation that comes over the entire team as Ted explains that the reason the video had a marionette theme was because it was the lead single for an album called “No Strings Attached”.
  • Even Will gets into it, and you can see him dancing to the beat as he plays the music over the bluetooth speaker he's holding.
  • The scene is full of funny background events, to the point that you can focus on a different player every time and still find something to laugh at.
• We get to see Colin's Lamborghini on screen for the first time, and Colin has serious troubles maneuvering it out of the club's parking lot. A 3-point turn? No. A K-turn? No. A 7-point banana turn. Once he finally gets to the street and out of sight, all that can be heard are loudly screeching tires and people yelling to each other to get out of the way.
• Roy enters the coaching staff's offices, talking about a photoshoot he's doing with Keeley later, and how he's been instructed to wear all black so that Keeley "pops". Nate responds that that's what Roy always wears anyway, which Roy takes offense to:
  Roy: (pointing to his shirt) This isn't black. This is dark heather charcoal!
  Ted: (walking in) Ooh, I love hearing fellas debate fashion. Who's winning?
  • Roy also asks if his eyebrows are "crazy", which Nate timidly denies. Beard, however, says they're not...they're psychotic.
• After learning from Higgins that Sharon left the club before her official last day for an emergency while leaving everyone a personal goodbye letter, Ted gets upset, refuses to read his, and leaves the room.
  Higgins: (calling after him) Don't "letter" get away with it, Ted!
  Ted: (comes back inside and begrudgingly takes the letter) Yes.
• Phoebe has taken on a hobby of drawing boobs. They are technically so well done her male classmates have started stealing them and using them as currency.
  Roy: Nice.
  • And at the end of the scene, Roy leaves a bunch of cash behind and takes the stack of Phoebe's boob drawings with him.
• After Ted leaves Sharon at the pub, Mae brings her a pint of beer with one of Ted's little toy army men at the bottom of the glass. Sharon stares at it for a moment, and Mae promises her another one "without any shit in it".
• Trent Crimm (The Independent) still using his full Verbal Business Card, even when texting Ted. He's also a double-texter, which contrasts somewhat with his refined image:
  Hello, Ted. This is Trent Crimm.
  The Independent.

Inverting the Pyramid of Success

• As George Cartrick bashes Ted during the latest episode of Soccer Saturday, a resigned Jeff Stelling wishes Roy would come back to the show and put Cartrick in his place.
• Ted accidentally makes Rebecca's biscuits with the salt and sugar measurements swapped. After initial reservations she calls them 'interesting' and seems to enjoy them (though she may just not want to hurt her already hurting friend). She also refers to the one she's eating as "a sneaky, salty bitch".
• Roy confronts Jamie over Jamie's declaration of love toward Keeley. However, Jamie is apologetic and handles the situation maturely, which enrages Roy because he was hoping for an excuse to clobber the guy and knows doing so now would make him the bad guy.
  • After Roy leaves, it turns out Will was in the room with them all along, freezing out of sheer awkwardness while clutching a big pile of laundry.
  • Roy later describes the event to Keeley as him forgiving Jamie. Apparently, screaming "FUCK!" and walking away without saying anything else is Roy's idea of forgiveness.
• After the players voice their support for Ted, they go on to say they will get revenge on his behalf:
  Colin: And when we sniff out the rat, permission to take socks full of soap to their stomach and chest?
  Isaac: We're gonna find 'em and fuck 'em up! (the others voice their agreement)
  Jamie: We're gonna kill him!
  Moe: Follow the money!
  Nate: (shifts around nervously)
• After Ted gives his pre training talk to the players and they get ready to start, Jamie asks Ted how they're going to train and points offscreen. Cue the shot revealing Akufo's helicopter is still parked in the middle of the practice pitch.
  • Because of the helicopter, Ted moves training to a different field and says if the team hustles they can skip cardio for the day. To get them to move faster, Roy starts yelling "Whistle! Whistle" because he still doesn't have an actual whistle to blow.
• Still feeling confused about all of the recent events, Roy reluctantly requests a meeting of the Diamond Dogs so he can talk through his problems. Coach Beard's reaction when Roy tells them about Jamie declaring his love for Keeley is priceless:
  Beard: (shocked) And he's still alive?!
  • After confessing to Roy that he kissed Keeley when they were suit shopping, Nate is thoroughly confused when Roy forgives him, asking if he doesn’t at least want to headbutt him. Beard, who’s worked out that Nate was the one to leak Ted’s anxiety attacks to the press, darkly tells Nate that he’d be happy to headbutt him if he wants.
  • Beard and Ted’s reactions when Roy admits that he likes that Diamond Dogs is sometimes the group just discussing matters without fixing anything. They're so. Fucking. Excited.
    • Even better, Roy’s description of Diamond Dogs meetings is word for word how Ted earlier described girl talk with Rebecca.
• When the team is down 2-0 at halftime, Ted describes the mood in the locker room as "like a Renaissance painting portraying masculine melancholy." It seems like a bizarre comparison at first, but then the camera cuts over to show the entire team sitting around motionless in elaborate poses exactly like characters in a tableau. Will can even be seen in the back of the room striking a Contrapposto Pose, only to ruin it by dropping a water bottle.
• Sam turns down Edwin Akufo's offer to play for Raja Casablanca, which offends Edwin so much that he angrily spouts off threats that he is rich enough to follow through with. However, he does it in such an over-the-top manner that Sam doesn't take them too seriously. And as a final kicker, Francis offers a handshake only to pull it back at the last minute.
• Dani lines up the last penalty kick of the match in a sequence shot exactly like the one in "Goodbye Earl", during which we see that the new mascot (Macy Greyhound) is wearing a tiny helmet.
• Roy and Keeley were apparently so elated by England receiving zero points in the 2021 Eurovision that they considered popping a bottle of champagne to celebrate.

The Missing Christmas Mustache

• Jamie searches Ted's car to look for his mustache. Problem being, Ted doesn't have a car, so Jamie just smashed a complete stranger's car window with a rock.
• When nobody can find Ted's mustache, Roy's solution is to tear off his own Big Ol' Eyebrows so Ted can combine them into a fake mustache. Keeley says she'll miss Roy's eyebrows, only for Roy to make his eyebrows immediately grow back.
• Ted apologizes for being a "straight, white, cisgender male version of the Grinch"...which he guesses is really just Ebenezer Scrooge. This still raises the question of what exactly Ted thinks the Grinch's gender and sexuality are.^note And his race, but, well, he is green.

Season 3

Smells Like Mean Spirit

• During Ted's therapy phone call with Sharon, it's revealed that Sharon is now working for a rugby team. Ted describes rugby as being like if American football and sumo wrestling had a baby with "huge, muscular thighs caked in mud".
• Rebecca tells Ted that the reason she's in a bad mood is because every news outlet is predicting that Richmond will place twentieth (and thus, dead last) in the League. Higgins adds that one newspaper said they'd place "twentyelf—an adorable but devastating typo".
• Keeley cries into Rebecca's blouse and leaves makeup stains on it. When Higgins finds Rebecca in her office, he shows off the same Keeley stain on his own shirt, which he claims he has already sent to be dry-cleaned six times.
  Higgins: (concerned) She wears this on her eyes...
• Colin mentions that a woman accosted him and told him to fake an injury and sit out the season to avoid personal humiliation. Bumbercatch asks Colin if he told the woman to piss off, but Colin says he couldn't because she was a nun. Cue horror and distress in the dressing room — and Dani and Richard crossing themselves to beg forgiveness.
  Colin: They must get Sky Sports in the monasteries.
• Roy says the 4-4-2 formation is the best to stick to, as the players have had it drilled into them since childhood, so they'll know where they're supposed to be at every minute of the match. Ted facetiously asks if the Russians invented the strategy, which Roy and Beard both bluntly confirm.
• Ted and Beard ask Will to contact the team's bus driver...who has apparently been living at the facility since his cult shut down.
  Ted: Kenneth was in a cult?
  Will: No, no...He was the leader of one.
  • Kenneth drives them into town, then goes to smoke some toad venom while he waits (so that the day isn't "a total waste"). Ted is concerned about whether he'll be able to drive them back, but Beard sets him straight:
    Beard: He's usually fine in about 20 minutes. He'll be forever changed, but he can drive.
    Later
    Beard: No sudden moves near the bus driver!

(I Don’t Want to Go to) Chelsea

• The whole team’s shock when they learn Roy and Keeley broke up. Beard lets out a high-pitched yelp while Ted starts to faint.
  • Ted asks Will to run to his apartment and grab a CD called "Ted's Breakup Mix." Will asks Ted what a CD is.
    • Apple actually made an official playlist for Ted's Breakup Mix, and some of the songs are hilarious to picture Roy listening to. Noteworthy examples include "On My Own" from Les Misérables, "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia, and "Knowing Me, Knowing You" by ABBA.
• The Crown & Anchor is abuzz with Richmond's return to the Premier League. Paul decides to mark the occasion by coming in morning dress complete with top hat. He also brings hats for Baz and Jeremy. Mae later rips the hats off their heads when Chelsea takes the lead, declaring them to be bad luck charms.
  • Before the match starts, Mae brings Baz and Jeremy the meals they ordered. When they point out she accidentally swapped their orders, she forcibly makes them switch places instead of simply reversing the plates.
• Rebecca corners Zava in the restroom and gives him a dressing down over his ego and work ethic. Then she takes a moment to say that he really should cut asparagus out of his diet before running out due to the smell.
• Richmond plays Chelsea to a 1-1 draw, courtesy of Dani accidentally knocking the ball into the goal with his face.
  Dani: My face scored a goal! My face scored a goal!
• Jamie's attempt at comforting Roy upon realizing that he and Keeley broke up:
  It's called empathy, you dusty old fart!
  • Roy pushes Jamie away when he tries to go in for a hug and claims that Jamie came at him too fast. Jamie apologizes because he "forgot how skittish elderly people could be 'cause of the war."
  • The reveal that, once again, Will was in the room the entire time and felt too awkward to say anything. He then says that he actually went through a breakup recently too, and suggests that the three of them go out for fishbowl cocktails.
• When Roy angrily instructs everyone on the team not to say a word in front of Trent Crimm, Jamie is seen behind him snickering. Later, when Roy and Trent head into the showers during halftime to squash their beef, Jamie explains to the others that he thinks it's funny when Roy yells at other people with the same vitriol he usually reserves for Jamie.
• Keeley's first idea for bonding with her new coworkers? A picnic in the conference room. Her second idea? Hiring a shaman and doing a bunch of ayahuasca together under a blood moon.
• The team's increasingly confused discussion of Zava and Trent Crimm:
  Ted: Hold on a second, okay? If y'all weren't talking about Zava, what were you so upset about? Is it 'cause Trent Crimm's writing a book about us?
  Colin: Wait, Trent Crimm's writing a book about Zava joining our team?
  Ted: No, no. He's just coming here to write a book about the team.
  Bumbercatch: Zava's writing a book about us?
  Ted: No, Trent Crimm.
  Zoreaux: Why would Zava write a book about Trent Crimm?!
• The increasingly elaborate and esoteric sources Higgins uses to get updates on Zava's plans, which Rebecca disparagingly refers to as his "vast network of lip-reading massage therapists."
• Ted's description of Hallmark Channel Christmas movies:
  Hallmark Christmas movies are films that feature women from the big city falling in love with their childhood crushes. It's usually some fella that owns a Christmas tree farm. Sometimes he's also Santa Claus or a prince. They suck, but they're great. But they also mostly suck. But they're also kinda great. They're good with the sound off.
• Arlo White and Chris Powell's quirky commentary is back in top form:
  Arlo: And the great Zava makes his appearance! Will he be signing for Chelsea today? What are you hearing, Chris?
  Chris: Oh, all sorts of things. The crowd, your voice, a slight ringing because I bumped my head earlier...

  Arlo: And we're back for the second half. Chris, do you think either of these teams made any adjustments in the locker rooms?
  Chris: Oh, I'm sure they did, Arlo. But professional athletes don't mind adjusting themselves in public either.

4-5-1

• The episode opens on Colin leaving his date's house in the morning... and almost immediately crashing his car into the trash bins at the end of the driveway. What really sells it is the theme music starting up as Colin starts driving, then cutting out as he crashes.
  • Even though they seemingly haven't been dating very long, Michael is already familiar with Colin's driving: Colin wishes Michael a safe flight and Michael deadpans back, "Safe driving," which Colin can't help but laugh at.
• Jamie enters the coaching office to talk about Zava's self-centered behavior, which Beard drily notes is ironic. When he's done, Jamie corrects him to say that it's not irony, he was being hypocritical. Beard develops a small Thousand-Yard Stare as he realizes Jamie is indeed correct.
  • And then Ted points out to Beard the fact that it was Jamie correcting him on the meaning of the words is something which is truly ironic.
• Zava is meditating in a corner before the match, so Jamie whistles at him to call him into the huddle. When with doesn't break his trance, Isaac lets out a very soft bird call, which somehow gets Zava over instantly.
• During the montage of Zava leading Richmond on a winning streak, the wins are contrasted with the main characters struggling with their issues (Ted dealing with the revelation that Michelle is now dating their former marriage counselor, Roy watching Keeley pass with a Longing Look, Rebecca digging through her stock of matchbooks for a green one). In the middle, we get a quick scene of a suit-clad Jeremy rushing into the Crown & Anchor, excitedly telling Baz and Paul he's gotten a job, before cutting back to the team.
  • During the montage, there's also a scene of Zava leading a group meditation with almost everyone on the team, with the other players and Will sitting in lotus positions around him and chanting "om" (and one may notice that the whiteboard in the locker room also has "Om" written on it). When Jamie walks in to see everyone doing this, he simply looks on in disbelief before turning around and leaving almost immediately.
• Dani's idolization of Zava reaches unhealthy territory in this episode. He goes from admiring Zava, to glomping onto him during goal celebrations (and refusing to get off), to literally shadowing Zava's actions in the dressing room. While waiting for him to appear at the team dinner, Dani excitedly shows off a bright, elaborately-woven "friendship bracelet" he's made.
• While celebrating at Sam's restaurant, Roy talks to Jamie about how Jamie is no longer the best player on the team. When Jamie asks Roy if he really thought he was the best, Roy answers that he still could be...if he weren't such a "Pre-Madonna". In a strange reversal of roles it's Jamie who has to correct Roy.
  Jamie: It's prima donna. Who the fuck says "pre-Madonna?" What the fuck does that even mean?
  Roy: It means before Madonna, female vocalists didn't have to work that hard!
  Jamie: Are you mad?! Have you never heard of Tina Turner? Fucking Stevie Nicks?!
  • The exchange is funnier when one remembers Roy did use the correct term "prima donna" all the way back in "For the Children". Why he didn't here is anyone's guess.
• At Sam's restaurant, Beard and Jane's Destructive Romance is highlighted when Jane goes up to Beard and furiously asks if he's cheating on her (likely because he's sitting with Ted, as it's been established that she's jealous of their relationship). Beard confirms that he is...with her. They immediately start making out, and Ted can only look on incredulously.
  Ted: Man, y'all's baggage just matches right up, don't it?
• Ted's grasp of British English is still shaky even after two years:
  Ted: If my maths...
  Roy: Mm-hmm.
  Ted: ...are corrects...
  Roy: Mm-mm.
• Chris Powell describes Zava as "like Pele, if every letter [in his name] was different," causing Arlo White to do a Double Take.
• Ted tells Sassy about how his ex-wife is dating their old marriage counselor and asks if she's ever had something like that happen with an old client. Sassy reminds Ted that she's a child psychologist... and jokes that yes, it's happened to her twice.
• Roy admits to having a thing for Julie Andrews, which leads to a conversation about everyone's favorite Julie Andrews roles. Trent's, unexpectedly, is Clarisse Renaldi, Queen of Genovia, to the delighted approval of the entire group.
  Roy: Fuck yeah, Princess Diaries!
• While Colin and Michael pretending to just be friends around the team is sad, their cover story is actually pretty funny:
  Colin: Boyos, this is my pal Michael. World's greatest wingman.
  Michael: Yeah, tough gig. "Hello, young lady. My friend's a professional footballer. May I spend all night talking to your cross-eyed friend while he hits on you poorly?"

Big Week

• The episode opens with Roy showing up at Jamie's house at 4:00 AM on the dot ready to begin their training. However, Jamie didn't realize Roy was sincere about the start time and answers the door in his sleepwear and still half asleep. As he walks back inside to put on proper training attire, it's revealed through a long shot of his rear end that he only sleeps with a t-shirt and no underwear.
  • Later, when Roy is having Jamie perform calisthenics at the park, he asks him exactly why he dresses like that in bed:
    Jamie: Because I get cold upstairs and hot downstairs.
    Roy: Hmm. I get that.
• After the "Believe" falls down when Isaac taps it, revealing it's been ripped, a confused Isaac proceeds to tap Jamie on the torso the same way:
  Jamie: ... Why the fuck did you do that?
  Isaac: I was just checking if I acquired the ability to chop things in half.
  Jamie: Yeah, and what if you had?
  Isaac: Sorry, bruv. I didn't think it through.
• Shandy is having all the single Richmond players record promos for Bantr, and advises Dani to speak to the camera "like an old friend". Dani takes the opportunity to bring up his "oldest friend" Javier, who he's only known for a few weeks, but is nearly 108 years old. Shandy looks completely dumbfounded by this information.
  Shandy: ...Perfect.
• While Nate destroying the "Believe" sign at the end of Season 2 was petty and spiteful, the security footage showing him doing it is pretty funny; at first he just tries to grab the sign, but he's unable to reach it even by jumping. Then he tries to reach it by using the rolling chair from Ted's office, only to fall flat on his face when he stands on it. He's finally able to grab it on his third attempt.
• After realizing finding out that Keeley's boss Jack is a woman, Higgins attempts to tell the "emergency doctor" riddle, ^note A man and his son are in a car crash, where the man is killed instantly. When the son is brought to the hospital, the emergency surgeon says "I can't operate on him, he's my son" (the answer being that the doctor is his mother) which the others note doesn't exactly hold up in modern day.
  Keeley: Because she's a woman.
  Rebecca: He's gay.
  Barbara: Sperm donor.
  Shandy: He's living in a simulation...
• The second half of the West Ham game verges into Tear Jerker territory, with the Richmond team playing with almost unrecognizable and uncharacteristic violence. However, we do get a couple of little gems:
  • When the Pub Regulars are shocked that the Greyhounds are 'playing like Italians', Baz gets an evil little grin as he claims that this is a good thing.
    Jeremy: What are they doing?! We're playing like Italians!
    Baz: I know... It's awesome!
  • At one point in the Richmond v West Ham melee, Isaac has to bodily pick up Richard and carry him away from the fight. Considering how small Richard is, it's pretty easy for Isaac to do so.
    • In an interview for TV Guide Toheeb Jimoh claimed that Stephen Manas who plays Richard is “a bit of a nutcase” who loves doing violent slide tackles and Kola Bokini who plays Isaac admitted that him picking up Richard was completely unscripted and he just threw it in at the time.

Signs

• Higgins relates one fan's opinion of Richmond's winless streak:
  Higgins: [reading aloud from his phone] "Even with Zava, Richmond eats more arse than your mum."
  Beard: Buddy, you've gotta get off Twitter.
  Higgins: This is a text from my father.
• When talking about Man City, Beard casually mentions that he worked as a dancer in a strip club with the same name.
• When Ted asks Trent if he has any ideas to help Richmond's chances at beating Man City, Trent declines at first, since he feels he needs to be impartial due to writing a book about the team. Ted compares him to the director of a nature documentary who won't do anything to help the animals shown onscreen, even a small, injured baby monkey. He and Beard start making sad monkey noises, and soon even Roy joins in, which eventually causes Trent to give in.
• Ted mistakenly thinks that Henry has been bullied at school. Beard and Roy's suggestions for what to do to the bully are so violently over-the-top that they loop back around to being hysterical.
  • Beard's threat is to burn the bully's house down to ashes. Roy's threat, somehow, is even scarier.
    Roy: No no. Best thing you can do with bullies is ignore them. Then you sneak into their house at 4:00 a.m., which, statistically speaking, is the hour people are least prepared to defend themselves.
    Beard: Correct.
    Roy: And once you're standing over them, as they sleep in their bed, you start to beat them. With a thick, heavy rope soaked in red paint. Pummeling them over and over until they wake, confusing the paint for their own blood. When they beg you to stop, you laugh as loud as you can, for as long as you can. And then... you start to beat them again.
• After being given Anastasia's number, Nate picks up the phone and calls her with an uncharacteristic level of confidence... then reveals that he was actually calling his mom to practice asking out Anastasia.
• Isaac orders the team to be well-rested before the Man City match, meaning no video games before bed "unless it's Animal Crossing. That shit's fucking soothing."
• Shandy’s pathetic attempt to take Keeley’s employees with her to start a new PR firm. She offers double their current pay, nobody budges. Shandy then tries to convince them she’ll give them three months paid holiday and a company car, to which only Dan responds he’ll go with her, but she rejects him. She then runs crying into Keeley’s arms begging not to be fired before going back to telling her to fuck herself. When she leaves, she tries to take Dan with her, but he has decided to stay, to which she simply tells him, “Suck my dick!”
• While most of the team is bummed about Zava's sudden retirement, Dani openly weeps about it.

Sunflowers

• After an evening putting up with the team bickering about what do to on their night out in Amsterdam, Isaac breaks down into a Shakespearean-esque Rousing Speech that sounds like it came straight out of Henry V.
• Among the many arguments the team has is what to do for dinner. Dani states the simple solution: they're in Amsterdam, they should have Dutch food! But Richard isn't having it.
  Richard: As a Frenchman, I would rather DIE!
• Dani says what he wants to see in Amsterdam is a tulip—not a field or a bouquet of tulips, just one singular tulip, as seeing a tulip field would be "incredibly overwhelming". Later, he writes the same request down on his ballot for team activities and denies that it was from him, even though the word "tulip" is written in Spanish. What makes it even funnier is that there's a vase of tulips behind Isaac the entire time and not one person notices them or points them out to Dani.
• Ted decides to go to an American themed restaurant called Yankee Doodle Burger Barn. It's basically a Theme Park Version of the United States that's staffed by Australian (the host is from Melbourne) expats.
  Host: Where would you like to sit? Windy City, Big Apple, or Hollywood?
  Ted: Oh, well. Tell Mama that Roxie Hart is coming home. Lipschitz. [Host doesn't respond] Chicago. [Host still doesn't respond] Windy City.
  Host: Great, mate. Giddyap.
• Nate doesn't officially appear in this episode, but he does make a cameo...as a cowboy waiter who cheerfully bids Ted 'howdy' while Ted is hallucinating at an American diner.
  • Even funnier when we learn that Ted might not actually have been high, as Beard confirms the mushrooms they took were duds. So apparently Ted is just hallucinating about Nate unprompted.
• Higgins excitedly tells multiple characters that he's planning to spend his evening in the red light district and that he's going to help Will become a man. At no point does he clarify that he's talking about jazz, leading to hilariously confused reactions from Rebecca and the team.
• Most of the players' suggestions for how to spend a night out in Amsterdam are fairly run-of-the-mill ideas for parties and tourist attractions. Then there's Bumbercatch's idea of fun:
  Bumbercatch: We're near The Hague. We can go to the International Court of Justice. Poke around. Ask some questions.
• After all of the players' bickering, they finally come to an agreement on an activity: a massive team pillow fight in the hotel lobby. A couple comes across the team in the middle of it and are perplexed at seeing a group of grown men doing this while leaving a mess of feathers all around the room.
• The montage of Jamie trying to teach Roy how to ride a bike is already funny on its own, but a standout moment is when Roy becomes so frustrated over not being able to ride the bike properly that he picks up the bike, chases after Jamie with it, and throws it at him.

The Strings That Bind Us

• The players enjoyed the presentation on Total Football enough that when it's over, they all clap. However, they somehow did not clock that the reason for the presentation was that the coaching staff wanted to implement it. When Ted tells them, they all begin expressing discontent.
  • After the players complain, Roy tells them to get over it because the team will be going forward with the strategy after they train it for a few weeks. Ted then admits they're actually going to implement it in their next match against Arsenal on Saturday:
    Roy: [taken aback] Well, that's fucking mental!
• Barbara enters Keeley's office saying "we have a problem." She then stops herself to note they really don't and "force of habit."
• At the pub, Beard tells Ted that Jane has been dropping certain hints to him and leaving magazines out. Ted assumes he's talking about marriage, but Beard tells him it's about pegging. Ted is briefly taken aback, wondering what kind of magazines Jane has been leaving out.
• During their exploration of Total Football, Ted has each of the team members swap places to better understand the other positions. He starts with Dani and Isaac, who immediately start imitating each others' mannerisms:
  Dani: [hunching forward and scowling] We're gonna fuck 'em up, bruv.
  Isaac: [crossing himself] Ay, dios mio...
  • Ted then clarifies that the players don't actually have to imitate each other's voices, to which the entire team groans in disappointment. Ted relents and the players cheer.
  • The role-swapping gets taken to another level with Will and Beard; Beard awkwardly fumbles with the water bottles while Will goes so far as to make a fake beard out of tape and imitate Beard's Suddenly Shouting speech pattern. When the training session is over, Will continues to act like Beard by sitting in Beard's seat in the office with his feet up on the desk and reading a book. Beard then walks in and bluntly informs him the role-swapping is over:
    Beard: Get the fuck out of my chair.
    Will: [back to normal] Yeah, no, of course, sorry.
  • Meanwhile in the stands, Baz decides to get into it by imitating Paul's unwavering positivity. Paul then tries to imitate Baz's scathing criticism, but admits he doesn't like it and goes back to being himself.
• Ted decides to increase the players' awareness of what their teammates are doing by linking pairs of players together with red string, as a reference to the Red String of Fate. And then Roy decides to drive the message home by having the string tied around their penises. The ensuing and inevitable chaos has to be seen to be believed.
  • Roy himself is clearly enjoying watching all the chaos unfold, to the point that he actually laughs more than once. Bonus points for his laughter sounding a lot like the Signature Laugh of Ernie from Sesame Street.
  • Special mention goes to Jan running one way on the attack while Colin (who's on the other end of the string) frantically doubling back after him and shrieking for his teammate to slow down at increasing volume, speed, and terror.
    • And Dani telling Ted he can't leave any room between himself and partner Richard because he is 'too scared'.
  • Even kitman Will doesn't get a break in this scene, with his string attaching him to the water bottle case. Meanwhile Thierry is attached to the goal posts, and keeps getting tangled up in his string.
  • Things take a scary turn when Jamie's partner runs too far from him and the string gets ripped off. Everyone looks at Jamie in fear (except for Roy, who looks gleeful) as he slowly looks down into his shorts to make sure everything is okay:
    Dani: It's okay. His penis is okay!
  • Roy is notably disappointed at this
  • And then Ted strides forward onto the pitch to call a halt to the training. Yanking hard on Isaac and Bumbercatch's string in the process and dropping them both to their knees. Trent's Face Palm on the sidelines really sells it.
  • Possibly the funniest detail is the fact that no one asked about the string until after it was tied around their genitals.
  • And in the next locker-room scene, when Will is clearing up after the team? He's (understandably) picking up pieces of the red string with a litter-picker rather than touch them.
  • Paul tries to get Baz and Jeremy to try out the red string exercise with him, and when they refuse, starts asking random people in the stands if they want to try.
    Paul: [holding up a red string] Look what the kit man gave me in case we wanted to—
    Jeremy: No.
    Baz: No fucking way.
• Following the match, an elated Trent excitedly highlights how everything Ted has done over the past three seasons has led up to the Total Football tactic:
  Trent: By slowly but surely building a club-wide culture of trust and support through thousands of imperceptible moments, all leading to their inevitable conclusion. Total Football... It's gonna work. Doesn't even matter what number four is. [heads to the locker room]
  Roy: ... What a fucking dork.
  Ted: Yeah, but he's our dork.
• After a heart warming moment between Sam and Ola, where the father encourages the son not to give up after the vandalization of his restaurant but 'fight forward':
  Sam: ...do you think I should invest in security cameras?
  Ola: Hell yes! And gates! Please tell me you have insurance.
  Sam: I have insurance.
  Ola: Haaaa, thank god. Otherwise your mother would have killed me.

We'll Never Have Paris

• After Henry comes to Ted, Michelle, and Dr. Jacob asking for more coins for the Crown & Anchor's pinball machine, Mae comes over and reveals she's actually rigged the machine to be playable without coins. Ted points out she said that was impossible when he asked her after playing himself, to which Mae simply replies "Oh" and leads Henry away.
• Nate and Jade are in bed after spending the night together, and it looks like they're both waking up at the same time. Then it turns out that Nate woke up first and brushed his teeth before sneaking back into bed so he wouldn't have morning breath. And shaved. And showered. And used the toilet in next door's flat so he wouldn't wake Jade.
• Henry helps Will out with his kitman duties. At first, it seems like it's an adult making a child feel like he's a part of the team. However, Will immediately takes a break as Henry enthusiastically places towels in the lockers, causing the coaching staff, who are observing from Ted's office, to question Will's motives:
  Roy: Is this a game or child labour?
  Trent: In late stage capitalism, what's the difference?
  Beard: Word.
• When Ted proposes a Diamond Dogs meeting to talk about his worries regarding Michelle and Dr. Jacob's trip to Paris, Beard lets Higgins know about the meeting by dialing him up on the work phone and barking. A few moments later, Higgins can be seen running full tilt towards Ted's office, and he's very out of breath when he comes in.
• Henry insists that he, Ted, and Beard go see a football match. Upon seeing that the only one in town is at West Ham, Beard goes home and changes into full Richmond garb and stands like a statue in the stands to show he's not happy to be there.
  • When the three go to the Crown & Anchor for post-match drinks, Mae is so offended at the sight of Henry in a West Ham shirt that she declares he won't be served. And when Beard tries to intervene, she declares that he and Ted are on probation, proving that not even Richmond's coaches are exempt from her fierce gatekeeping.
• The locker room debate over nude photos gets in some laughs:
  • The argument that "it's not about the law, it's about doing what's right" leads to the entire team briefly getting sidetracked by fanboying over Les Misérables.
  • The enigma that is Bumbercatch deepens:
    Colin: Deleting photos makes no sense. What, do we delete our memories, too?
    Isaac: No, 'cause no one can steal your memories.
    Bumbercatch: That's not entirely true...
  • Dani points out that for professional footballers, deleting every lewd photo or video they've ever been sent could take days if not weeks.
  • Richard is still deleting photos from his phone long after everyone else has finished and gone home. Better yet, he says a heartfelt goodbye to every photo before deleting it.
  • Richard's reason for feeling like he shouldn't have to delete his photos is because he's French
  • A member of the team asks if he has to delete a picture if the girl is naked but it's not sexual. When asked for clarification, he says that she's defecating
  • In a Rewatch Bonus, minor character Paul Reynolds refers to a daughter in Season 2 while the team are shouting at Jamie. Cut to this episode, when Reynolds asks if it's ok to have sonogram pictures on his phone, he's told to delete them. Unfortunately poor Reynolds may just have been told by his teammates to delete baby pictures of his daughter - possibly due to a misunderstanding of the phrase 'naked girl'...

La Locker Room Aux Folles

• Since Ted has a virtual parent-teacher conference scheduled for the same time as his press conference, Rebecca asks Roy if he can fill in. Roy seemingly agrees, until Higgins drops by Rebecca's office and reveals Roy secretly asked Coach Beard to do it instead. Cut to the press conference where Coach Beard is in the midst of a very intense argument with the beat reporters over whether Joe Walsh or Jimmy Page is the better guitarist.
• When Rebecca angrily orders Roy to get his "hairy ass" into her office after not doing the press conference like she asked him to, the rest of the team gets some amusement out of Roy being in trouble with the boss. Roy, in a Tranquil Fury, tells them that they all know his ass isn't hairy, but none of them stood up for him about it and he'll never forgive them.
  Isaac: He's right. We're cowards.
• After Colin comes out to the team, Ted gives a speech about how he had a friend growing up who was the only Denver Broncos fan in a group of Kansas City Chiefs fans, and while they "didn't care" about him supporting a different team, they really should have cared and attended his Super Bowl parties instead of leaving him to celebrate his team by himself. Colin and Jamie both point out how the speech falls flat on a couple of levels:
  Colin: Coach, did you just compare being gay to being a Denver Broncos fan?
  Ted: You know what? I did, and I regret it. Yeah. Sorry about that.
  Jamie: What the fuck are Denver Broncos?
  Beard: Oh, for fuck's sake.
  Ted: No, that's a very good question. It's an American football reference, an absolute fumble in this situation. I apologize.
  • Ted also can't help but refer to the Broncos as a "garbage team" while telling his story.
• Isaac hands the captain's armband to Sam before storming out of the dressing room. Jamie decides to be "helpful" and silently suggests that he take on the responsibility. Sam just flips him off.
  • Later on, when it's time for Sam to count the team off before the second half, he's clearly at a loss for words and stammers as tells the team it's a honor to be captain and he loves them all "so very much." Jamie quickly cuts him off to start the count and the team ends it with "I love you guys so very much." Jamie smirks, as Sam playfully shoves him for hijacking the count.
• Jade's perfect greeting upon meeting Rupert for the first time:
  Jade: It's worthwhile to meet you.
• When Bumbercatch concludes that Isaac must be gay, Jan Maas and Beard point out that 1 in 10 people are gay, so statistically, there's probably another gay person in the room. The team begins looking around at each other, clearly wondering which of them might be gay... and yet no one gives a second glance at Trent, who drinks from a rainbow mug every day and is wearing a Dolly Parton shirt at that very moment. Instead, everyone's suspicions fall on Jamie, who looks deeply touched by the assumption and says that he's flattered.
• Once again, Will the kit man is revealed to have been in the boot room the whole time two other characters were having an intense conversation. At this point, he's gotten so used to it that he doesn't even act intimidated, instead giving his own two cents on the situation and offering Roy and Isaac bubblegum.
• Colin tells Trent that he's known he was gay much longer than twenty years: "Once I was out of my mum, I never looked back."
• Arlo White betrays a rare twinge of annoyance at Chris Powell's Cloudcuckoolander commentary:
  Arlo: Across town, West Ham are hoping to stay top of the table against Southampton, while here at Nelson Road, the red-hot Greyhounds face Brighton.
  Chris: Color red tops off at about 800 centigrade, Arlo. The way Richmond are playing, a more accurate description would be yellow-hot.
  Arlo: Thank you for correcting me, Chris, and next time feel free to wait until we're off air.
• When Roy does the postgame press conference, he doesn't actually know any of the reporters names so he calls on them with descriptive nicknames such as "5 O'Clock Shadow Head", "Goblin King", and, in the case of new Independent reporter Marcus Adebayo, "New Trent".

International Break

• When the characters talk about the rumor of Akufo trying to form a Super League, Rebecca remarks that Rupert will likely be involved if it is true. Soon her phone starts ringing, causing her to say "Speak of the Devil"—and she holds up her phone to show that Rupert is listed in her contacts as "The Devil".
• After being invited by Rupert to join him for a meeting about Akufo's Super League, Rebecca bursts into Higgins' office, causing him to spill his tea all over himself. When she proceeds to tell him she's there for advice, he quickly deduces that none of her usual confidantes are available, all while visibly in pain from the spill:
  Higgins: Keeley didn't text you back?
  Rebecca: No.
  Higgins: Ted?
  Rebecca: Can't find him.
  Higgins: Sassy?
  Rebecca: On a plane with no wi-fi. Can you imagine that?
  Higgins: Disgusting. How about your mother?
  Rebecca: Are you fucking with me?
  Higgins: I am flattered. Okay, let's do this shit.
  • Higgins compares Akufo's Manchild temperament to "one of those kids from Willy Wonka who gets murdered in the chocolate factory", which Rebecca doubts is what happened:
    Higgins (deadly serious) I hate to break it to you, Rebecca, but those children are dead.
  • When Rebecca takes his advice and decides to go to the meeting, Higgins seriously advises her that if people start disappearing seemingly at random but it's implied to be a punishment for their hubris, she should get the hell out of there.
  • After Rebecca leaves, Higgins sees that there's no more tea in his cup after he spilled it all over himself, so he starts sucking what's left of it out of his necktie.
• Roy goes to his sister's house to celebrate "Uncle's Day", which he tells Phoebe isn't a real holiday. Phoebe insists that it is, and gets her mother's approval, as "any day that annoys Roy is a holiday for me".
  • Phoebe's ranking of favorite holidays is as follows: Uncle's Day, Roy's birthday, and then Perchtenlaufen.
    Roy: She might be an old soul, but she's a proper fucking dweeb, isn't she?
  • Phoebe has somehow also invited Jamie, as she believes him to be Roy's best friend. Jamie has brought with him one of Roy's old jerseys as a gift, but he had the 'E' in his name changed to a 'U'. Roy sincerely says he loves it.
  • Despite fervently denying Jamie is his best friend, Phoebe makes some pretty good points about how they seem to spend a lot of time together, get along increasingly well, and Roy talks about him a lot. Roy realizes with mounting horror that she may be right.
    • A close look shows that the box, bow, and tissue paper are all in black, making it especially suited to Roy.
    • Once Phoebe figures out what Jamie did, she demands he pay her a pound just like Roy does.
      Jamie: But I didn't say nothing.
      Phoebe: No, but you made me think it, and that's basically the same thing.
      Jamie: Yeah, fair play. [hands over the cash]
  • Phoebe then gives Roy the present she made for him: a tie-dye t-shirt in red, orange, and yellow. Roy is completely stunned.
    Jamie: Well, I fucking love it.
    Phoebe: [holds out her hand]
    Jamie: [pays her] Worth it.
• After her company is shut down, Keeley spends some time Drowning Her Sorrows at the Crown & Anchor. After giving her a brief pep talk, Mae goes to bring her some food, as "I can't have another sad, skinny girl pass out in my pub. Fucks my Yelp rating".
• One of the friendly matches taking place during the international break is one between Mexico and Canada, with Dani and Zoreaux/Van Damme named to their respective country's teams. Van Damme is excited for the match... until Dani coldly and viciously declares that Van Damme is now his enemy and refuses to be friendly with him. However, once they return to Richmond after the match, during which Dani broke Van Damme's nose with a shot, he's back to his usual cheerful self and acts like nothing out of the ordinary happened, much to Van Damme's fear and confusion.
• After Edwin kicks the Russian owner out of his meeting, there's an extended joke of the guy being unable to leave the room because he can't figure out that he needs to pull to open the door and not push, with Edwin repeatedly telling him to pull instead of push
• Rebecca, when giving her "The Reason You Suck" Speech to the club owners, begins imagining them as small children.
  • After Rebecca manages to talk the owners out of Edwin's plan, there's a Smash Cut to everyone being covered in food from what was evidently another of his temper tantrums offscreen. Even better, if you look closely you'll see that Edwin's hands are clean while Francis's hands are covered in food- meaning he made Francis do all the throwing.

Mom City

• Jade covering for Nate when Colin, Will and Isaac come to Taste of Athens, asking for him.
  Jade: No such man exists.
• When Jamie's humble attitude starts to reach Self-Deprecation and passive levels, Roy brings him into the boot room to snap him out of it because the team needs him to be a prick against Man City. Jamie responds by bursting into tears and sobbing into Roy's arms as he tells Roy he feels like he's lost his ambition. Roy can only stand there dumbfounded because this was not the response he was expecting.
  • Then it's revealed that this time Will actually wasn't in the boot room for this private talk, as he walks inside to wash the team's towels as they're still standing there:
    Roy: [without looking] Will?
    Will: Yeah?
    Roy: You missed a good one. [Will grunts in frustration as he leaves and closes the door]
• Isaac, Colin, and Will reveal to Nate that the team took a vote and the only person who didn't vote for Nate to return to Richmond was Bumbercatch. Not because he's against Nate coming back, but rather he abstained from the vote because he's "passionately antidemocratic".
• In Jamie's old bedroom, Roy spots a poster of himself during his playing days at Chelsea, sporting a withering glare and a magnificent permed mullet. He can only growl while Keeley giggles. Then the door closes and reveals a sultry poster of Keeley from her time as a Page Three Stunna. She can only growl while Roy snorts.
• After the Manchester City supporters sing "Blue Moon" before the match, Keeley remarks to Rebecca and Higgins that Richmond should have an anthem as well. Higgins reveals that back when Freddie Mercury owned the club, he tried to make "Fat Bottomed Girls" the anthem. It was scrapped after the club received numerous complaints from flat-bottomed girls.
  • Rebecca follows up by saying her father went to art school with Freddie Mercury, who would have insisted his real greatest artistic talent was flipping straights.

So Long, Farewell

• Ted and Rebecca are very pointedly not talking about Ted's upcoming departure when Beard enters the kitchen, dressed in a crop top and a red thong. There's even a point where he takes a seat on Rebecca's tabletop.
  • When Rebecca's housekeeper goes to clean the guest room, Beard and Jane swiftly race after her to make sure she doesn't throw out any of their... special toys.
• Higgins tells Rebecca that in light of Ted's departure from the club, he's made a list of potential new managers to replace him, and along with the "usual suspects" he's also thrown in a basketball coach from New Zealand just to spice things up. He probably hopes to recapture Ted's success with the club.
• Before the final match of the season, Will reveals that Zava sent the team a care package. Dani initially refuses to have anything to do with it, saying he doesn't want to be hurt by Zava again after the latter quit their team...but when Will opens the package and says Zava sent them all t-shirts, Dani asks if he can have two.
  • Jamie, who still doesn't share the other players' admiration of Zava, is dismissive when he hears the package only contains one avocado. But when he sees the avocado is about the size of a soccer ball, even he can't hide his amazement.
• Barbara, a rugby fan who prefers her sports bloody, gets very excited when Isaac kicks the ball through the net and breaks a fan's nose.
  • What makes it even better is that the fan is John Wingsnight, Rebecca's short-lived ex, who's still enthusiastically cheering for the team even with blood pouring out of his nose.
• Ted correctly notes that West Ham was offside, to which Beard hands over some cash to acknowledge a bet they'd made. Ted then checks to see if the note is real, to Beard's displeaure.
  Beard: It's not counterfeit!
  Ted: Not a reflection on you.
• Beard decides to stay because he loves Jane. Since the plane door is already shut, though, he has to think of a plan to get off.
  Beard: (grabs his left side and screams) AAAAH!! My appendix!
  Ted: (calm whisper) Other side, buddy. (Beard switches sides while continuing to scream)
  • When Beard is taken off the plane:
  Stewardess: Do you want to accompany your friend to the hospital?
  Ted: (sees Beard wink at him) Nah, I'm good.
  Stewardess: Alright (walks off and mutters) What a fucking asshole.
• The Pub Regulars pool their funds to buy one share of Richmond. Mae buys herself a fat stack.
• Trent's book is reaching the final stages:
  • He asks Ted and Beard to read it. Beard immediately grabs a pen and loudly makes edits, eventually returning a draft festooned with tabs and marks.
  • When it does get published, the cover notes that Roy wrote a very brief foreword.

Behind The Scenes

• In response to a joke in "Rainbow" regarding their recent purchase of Wrexham AFC, Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney co-authored a tongue-in-cheek letter where they demanded Apple TV+ send them boxes of Ted's biscuits as an apology for questioning the seriousness of their commitment.
  • And then Apple TV replied.