Funny / Ted (2024)

Episode 1

• John is initially hesitant to talk to Sheila about getting some of her pot, until Ted threatens to tell her about his masturbation habits.
  Ted: If you don’t come with me, I will tell her you masturbate to network television.
  John: You motherfucker!
  Ted: I will tell her you watch Full House so you can jerk off to Lori Loughlin, but that you can’t always predict how long the scene is, so half the time, you ejaculate to an establishing shot.
  John: You wouldn't!
  Ted: (making a "jerking off" hand motion) Oh, Lori....Oh, Lori....Oh, Lor—oh fuck, a tasteful duplex!
• Ted and John take getting high for the first time so seriously, they dress up in suits and say grace before lighting one up. The next scene has them walking in slow-motion to "Low Rider" before it cuts to reality, where the two are singing the song while stoned.
• After Blaire realizes that Ted and John were stoned.
  Ted: I think if we all just take a couple of deep breaths here and just try to-(runs away before he can finish and Blaire starts chasing after him)
  Blaire: FUCK!

Episode 2

• The moment it's revealed why Matty is worried about his Noodle Incident in Vietnam. Scott Grimes' passionate delivery only makes it funnier.
  Matty: I JACKED OFF A DOG!!!

Episode 3

• John and Ted's deciding to leave after they find their porno in Susan's drawer, meaning she watched it, leading to them lament the house's dilapidated state.
  John: I'm gonna miss this house... Goodbye water-stained ceilings.
  Ted: Goodbye, silverware drawer that doesn't close all the way.
  John: Goodbye, windows painted shut.
  Ted: Goodbye, door you have to lean on to close.
  John: Goodbye, peeling wallpaper that reveals other wallpaper.
  Ted: Goodbye, carpet that's never been dry.
  John: Goodbye, unpermitted bathroom addition.
  Ted: Goodbye, lamp that shocks you every time you touch it.
  John: Goodbye, picture of a pope from two popes ago.
  Ted: Goodbye, plastic bag full of plastic bags.
  John: Goodbye, medicine cabinet with black mold in the corner.
  Ted: Jesus, let's get the fuck outta here!
  John: Yeah, no shit!
• At the end, John swears to Blaire that he will never masturbate again. The narrator confirms he will keep the promise… for two years, after which he will discover the internet, damn near yank his penis off, masturbate four more times, then go to urgent care and wait in line behind other men who discovered the internet. The narrator then goes on to say that nowadays, most people you meet will have jerked off in the last 20 minutes.
  Narrator: I’m Ian McKellen, reminding you not to shake hands with anyone.

Episode 4

• The Halloween episode has one scene (which acts as a Call-Forward to the "jogger" scene in Ted 2), where John and Ted hang out at the rooftop of their house and proceed to pelt a nearby trick-or-treater dressed like the Hulk with eggs while mocking his poor costume choice.
  John: Dude the fuck are you supposed to be?
  Kid: I'm the Hulk!
  John: Yeah, no you're not!
  Kid: Yes, I am!
  Ted: The Hulk doesn't have a fucking picture of "the Hulk" on his chest!
• Ted tells Blaire who his "mom" is.
  Ted: My mom is an 11-year-old kid in China with arthritis.
  John: How do you know that?
  Ted: Because she sewed a note in my leg that said she's never had a vegetable.
• The Halloween episode features Ted and Blaire getting McDonald’s apple pies to eat, where they are too hot to eat, to where they catch on fire. Twice.
  Ted: Careful, McDonald’s apple pies are always a little hot.
  [both take bites]
  Blaire: Oh, Jesus Christ!
  Ted: Ah, God!
  Blaire: Why the fuck do they do that?
  Ted: Ah, God! I don’t know.
  [both panting]
  Ted: It’s probably cooled off by now, though.
  [bites into it]
  Ted: Oh, goddammit! Oh!
  [throws pie at curb, where it sets papers there on fire]
  Ted: This fucking goddamn night.
  • And later near the end of the episode:
    Ted: Oh, by the way, I got something for you. This is for you.
    Blaire: A McDonald’s apple pie?
    Ted: Yeah, yeah. I was saving it, but it’s all yours. I’ve had it in the freezer for two months, so it’s probably cooled off by now.
    [shot of outside the room shows a blaze]
    Blaire: Oh, my God.
    Ted: Oh, shit, oh, shit. Get a towel. Get something to cover it.
    Blaire: Get a wet towel.
    Ted: I am.
    Blaire: Oh, my God, We’re gonna lose the fucking house!
    Ted: We’re all going to die!
• Ted gets this idea after crashing Blaire’s car from driving drunk:
  Ted: Well, wait a minute, why don’t we just tell the cops that we started drinking after we crashed? Right, we were so pissed about the crash, that we had nine beers.
  Blaire: You know, that’s actually a great idea.
  Ted: Really?
  Blaire: Yeah. I think you just solved drunk driving.
  Ted: I did, didn’t I?
  Blaire: No, you dipshit. We gotta go find a phone.
  

Episode 6

• Ted's debate with Father Odell regarding his own birth and how it compares to Jesus:
  Father Odell: Christ's birth was clearly ordained by God, marked by the star of Bethlehem, a miraculous beacon from the heavens.
  Ted: There was a star there. (to John) There was a star, right?
  John: Yeah, no, it was a shooting star.
  Ted: I had a star. Yeah.
  Father Odell: Jesus had a divine purpose. God sent him to us to spread the word that He loves us.
  Ted: (presses his voice box to play the "I love you!" sound) Your move, Friar Tuck.
• This exchange, when Matty insinuates John is gay for choosing to stay inside and decorate Christmas cookies instead of helping him shovel ice, before tossing his scarf over his shoulder as he goes outside:
  Ted: Did he just call you gay and then angrily toss his scarf over his shoulder?
  Blaire: Yup.
  Sarah: Maybe he's still figuring shit out.
  Blaire: Well, it is always the homophobes.
  John: You know, I never understood that word.
  Blaire: What word?
  John: Homophobe.
  Blaire: It’s prejudice against gay people.
  John: Yeah, but, like, shouldn’t it mean, like, scared of gay people?
  Ted: Yeah, I’ve always wondered that too. Like, every other phobe is, like, scared.
  Blaire: That is what homophobe means.
  John: No, no, but it’s… it is different, right? Like, in Arachnophobia, Jeff Daniels is scared of spiders because he thinks they’re gonna, like, hurt him or, like, kill him or something.
  Ted: Yeah, it’s not like, oh, I’m scared of spiders ‘cause I think they’re gonna make me a spider or they’re gonna take over the school and teach spider stuff.
  Blaire: Stop talking.
  Ted: I mean, if I was a homophobe, wouldn’t I see a gay guy and be like, AAH! A gay guy! Run! [Runs out of the room]
  Sarah: Is the bear always like this?
  Blaire: I’m so sorry.
  Ted: [Returning, breathing heavily] Whew! Didn’t even run that far. [chuckles] [panting] So… Bollywood, is that you guys?