Examples (in alphabetical order):
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- Blood Pichu has a few good moments.
slowbeef: I'm sorry, dear. I'm reading Pokemon horror stories for the internet.
- The picture of the titular 'Blood Pichu': official art of a Pichu, complete with cutesy smile, badly photoshopped a bright red.
- The author claims to own nearly every Pokemon game ever, but he makes several mistakes, such as describing Pichu as a Generation 3 Pokemon, having a Pichu use the Ghost-type version of the move Curse, and the narrator's Pidgeot knowing a Gen 3 move. DJB comments on all of these, claiming that his "inner Pokémon nerd" is screaming out at them.
- At one point, Slowbeef's wife walks into the recording, giving us this sentence:
slowbeef's wife: (in a "creepy" voice) I gotta go.
[Everyone in the stream cracks up]
- Crappy Pasta, a video where slowbeef reads Sonic.exe, a Creepypasta Sonic the Hedgehog story, where the most scary descriptions that the author could come up with were in reference to other video games, e.g. "Sonic's laugh sounded just like Kefka from Final Fantasy VI." The whole thing is made more surreal by the footage it's accompanying: a livestream of Diabetus playing Mario 2 late at night after a few drinks.
- It also led to this image◊.
- Crappy Pasta II, New Super Mario Bros. 2: Ihsoy where the author abuses Sdrawkcab Name every chance he gets, the main villain turns out to be Reznor of all things, and the final battle is laden with corny action movie banter and just-as-corny Ironic Echoes.
"I beat the level with 2 star coins, 666 coins, and 333 seconds remaining. (By the way, 2 divided into 666 is 333)"
- Slowbeef's constant corpsing whenever someone gets possessed, especially during Oiram's first appearance. At several points, he sounds like he's in tears.
- The narration spells out the obvious several times.
"This was the first point I considered giving up on the game, but curiosity killed the cat, didn’t it? Or, in this case, curiosity killed everyone."
- It also includes this hilariously narmy line:
"Bowser fought off Igiul, Ihsoy, and Hcaep Ssecnirp until they just left for a while."
- When backwards names go too far: "Hcaep Ssecnirp."
- This line.
"The creepiest part about it was that the bridge had a few blood stains on it here and there."
- The author's definition of scary is... limited.
slowbeef: 'At this point, I thought, "Wow. Reswob has striking resemblance to Reznor."'... Reznor?
- The Reveal of the main villain:
Diabetus: Trent Reznor or Mario World Reznor?
slowbeef: I think it's Mario World Reznor... Who is Mario World Reznor?
Diabetus: Those rotating rhinos, in all the fortresses.
slowbeef: (beat) Oh god. Ohhh my god.
- The above moment also makes zero sense, even for this story, since the narrator points out early on that the game didn't call the characters the ludicrous backwards names, the narrator just called them that for reasons.
- The story gets way too into the details of getting the game, down to registering it with Club Nintendo.
- The author's plan to save money by buying the retail copy of the game, which costs $1 less than the digital copy, backfires when he gives a Game Stop employee a $3 tip.
- Crappy Pasta III, Blood Whistle, where a man plays a "spooky" ROM Hack of Super Mario Bros 3, featuring the obligatory blood and death. He becomes more depressed at Mario's painful plight than is reasonable for a normal human, to the point where he admits he considers Mario an actual living, breathing human being with emotions. And it ends with him somehow killing himself with a recorder. All set to footage of Diabetus playing Super Mario All Stars.
Diabetus: Again, he puts the most important details second. 'The music was slightly changed-Toad's head was split open'.
- The first thing slowbeef sees of the Blood Whistle page is a badly edited picture, which causes him and Diabetus to burst into hysterics.
- The first couple of updates are written normally, but as soon as the author finds the titular blood whistle, he apparently goes insane, crosses the Despair Event Horizon, and starts writing in absurd Purple Prose.
- The narrator writes a very drawn out description of the Blood Whistle's treasure room, describing the surroundings and the music in great detail, and then casually mentions that Toad's head was cracked open and pouring blood, which caused the floor to become 'slippery like an ice stage'.
slowbeef: "A blood-soaked warp whistle ominously rose from what I now believe to be the deepest crevice of Hell." *They crack up*
- Through fortunate timing, the narrator finds the Blood Whistle right as Diabetus uses the Warp Whistle.
- The author's ridiculous description of the Blood Whistle's appearance:
Diabetus: Hell's not very creative.
slowbeef: Oh my god, Satan's own Mario Warp Whistle!
- At one point, the author wonders if the hack was made by the Illuminati, of all things.
- The author frequently describes details that are not possible due to the NES's technical limitations, prompting Diabetus to shout "8-bit!" at several points. However, at one single moment in the story the author mentions that "technical limitations" hindered the presentation of the scene, despite the fact that they didn't seem to hinder it before or after the author says this.
- The Blood Whistle apparently works by stabbing Mario in the chest and dragging him off to where he needs to go. This happens a ludicrous number of times in a short period, to the point that slowbeef once jokingly interrupts himself with "and then the blood whistle came and stabbed Mario in the chest", only for it to actually happen two or three sentences later with nearly the exact same wording.
- Crappy Pasta IV is based on Mega Man's "The Yellow Devil." The author seems to consider blood the most inherently frightening thing ever, to the point of being ignorant that robots don't bleed.
slowbeef: '-and revealed a mangled, ripped apart-'
- At one point, this happens:
Diabetus: [quickly] Blood.
slowbeef: '-blood dre-'
[slowbeef and Diabetus lose it]
slowbeef: Well done, well done.
- Later, the game makes the narrator's ears bleed with a high-pitched screeching sound. He still thinks the game's just hacked.
- "He puked a Mega Man boss!"
- The Call Back to the second episode and "curiosity killed everyone".
- The resolution which has the author claiming he quickly got over his traumatic experience through therapy, but still has nightmares and hallucinations and continues to play Mega Man games.
- Crappy Pasta V takes a look at "Mega Man 2: The Ladder to Hell", where the author plays a demonic Mega Man 2 cartridge given to him by his deceased brother. The ending alone makes it all worth it.
slowbeef: He got over his dead brother pretty quick...
- Early on in the video, slowbeef and Diabetus mock the Mood Whiplash of the story moving on quickly from the brother's demise to Mega Man 2:
Diabetus: I mean, it's Mega Man 2, it's classic...
slowbeef: "I can't believe Brandon killed himsel—OH MY GOD, VIDEO GAMES!
- Also, the point where the deceased brother (who is somehow talking to the narrator through the game) bluntly tells him to kill himself.
- Crappy Pasta VI: My Girlfriend is Mega Man 2 revolves around "Tracy: A Mega Man Ghost Story", wherein the narrator buys a cheap copy of Mega Man 3 from Goodwill, only to find that a neglected girl lies within it. The hilarious part of her backstory comes when, after a particularly abusive interaction, she snaps and beats her parents to death with an NES controller before offing herself.
Diabetus: No blood details?
slowbeef: There was blood on the controller.
- It also includes the line "There are better ways to make a friend than torturing them!"
- I HATE YOU. Once again, the author's idea of 'scary' is to slather everything in blood, only this time there's the added bonus of mediocre sprite edits. There are frequent reminders of things that happen just moments earlier in the story, the writing switches into Purple Prose from time to time, and many of the events in the story are described as "brilliant" and "a nice touch", leading slowbeef and his guests (Cybershell and voiceofdog) to believe the author's talking about his own writing rather than the game developer's design. Some specific moments that stand out include...
Cybershell: Strange names like 'OH GOD NO'?! You know, like 'Tubular' is just the same as 'OH GOD NO'!
- The fact that the author decides to unnecessarily describe his habits of downloading (and then printing?) pornography.
- "OH GOD NO"; a stage name that somehow doesn't faze the narrator at all, who compares it to the names of the stages in the Special World.
Cybershell: You're ruining the picture, Luigi! Stop being dead!
- The edited mouths of the Big Boos which voiceofdog describes as "vagina mouths".
- The return of 'slippery like an ice stage'.
- The creator's repeated insistence that the game isn't a ROM Hack, but is actually an undiscovered plot element planted by Nintendo, is unintentionally funny in and of itself, especially since the narrator was playing a ROM, rather than an actual hard copy of the game.
- The narration spells out the presence of a Hell Valley Sky Tree from Super Mario Galaxy 2 - which has absolutely no impact on the story.
- At a few points in the reading, Cybershell's audio glitches out, causing feedback for slowbeef and voiceofdog.
- Luigi of all characters turning out to be the Big Bad.
- The kicker comes with the picture at the ending: Luigi's burnt corpse standing by Mario and Princess Peach, while Mario is looking mildly irritated and Peach is in tears. It's supposed to come across as creepy, but it Crosses the Line Twice instead. The riffing crew have a field day with this.
- It Wasn't Lavender Town doesn't really have any particularly standout lines, but what makes it funny is how convoluted and confusing the writing is, to the point where nobody in the stream can figure out just what on earth the author is trying to do. The story randomly jumps between first and third person perspectives, and it's very unclear on whether the author is referring to the characters within the game, the audience, or themselves.
- Memory Card, a Metal Gear Solid creepypasta centered around looking up Naomi's skirt. Seriously.
slowbeef: I'm gonna try my best not to laugh. *very long pause* "I noticed the pussy was moving."
- You've heard of hyperrealistic blood. You've heard of hyperrealistic eyes. But have you ever heard of hyperrealistic vaginas? That bleed hyperrealistic blood? The highlight is when slowbeef attempts to read this part.
Diabetus: *completely loses it laughing*
- Not long before that, Diabetus makes a comment that catches slowbeef completely off-guard:
- The narrator constantly talking as if looking up Naomi's skirt only to see nothing but shadow is a terrible disappointment that everyone can sympathize with.
- The fact that the narrator is more disturbed by a hyperrealistic vagina than images of a real boy getting tortured.
- Nurse Joy, a story which suggests that all Nurse Joys are actually normal trainers who were turned into Nurse Joys through science. The process through which they are made are hilariously Narmy at best, and at worst, biologically impossible. Even by Pokemon standards.note
Mr. DJB: How do we- how do we know what Chansey is saying? All it can say is its own name! ... Y'know if that creepypasta wanted to be more accurate, you'd go onto it and it'd just be a page of the word "Chansey" printed over and over and over.
- The author goes into detail explaining how Nurse Joy Prime wants to take over the world with an army of Nurse Joys, and she transforms other trainers because cloning would be too conspicuous. Cloning is much more suspicious than abducting children, after all.
- At one point the author mentions how in the case of male trainers, Nurse Joy Prime likes to cut their testicles off and drink the blood out of them. The RPers are left positively creasing. As a result, Mr. DJB names the next Pokemon he catches "BALLBLOOD".
- The story claims to be about the game, but it's pretty clear that it's based on the anime instead.
- The real kicker comes when the narrator reveals his true identity... Chansey.
- Oblivion (.txt?) is another Oblivion creepypasta, which somehow manages to be hilariously incompetent even by video game creepypasta standards.
- "I shut off my computer except I didn't."
- The second Slowbeef's House of Horror video, Recipe of Death, features a creepypasta of, of all games, Cooking Mama. The idea alone is hilarious, but two moments stand out in particular: when Mama is described as horribly mangled in detail and wearing "the expression she does when you get a bronze medal" in the same sentence; and when the protagonist states after he vomits "in real life and ingame" that this meant "the real me and virtual me had a lot in common." A bonus at the end reveals that there are cuts in the video because these two moments caused slowbeef to laugh trying to read them.
- The inevitable result of all of the originally marked crappy pastas: Slowbeef's House of Horror, where slowbeef reads an Oblivion creepypasta complete with scarecam and creepy music. "Scary" words highlighted from the story keep popping out, like "lag" and "Download", which soon turn into a Deadpan Snarker with phrases like "Try rebooting your router." and "Part 2: The Haunted End User License Agreement (coming soon!)"
slowbeef: "I mounted the .ISO disc using Daemo— Demo— DEMON Tools..."
slowbeef: Your friend just died.
- Then there was slowbeef's reaction to the protagonist's sudden mood change not long after his friend's death, which he witnessed.
- The protagonist describes himself as a hacker, but his grasp of anything related to hacking, or even simple computer knowledge, is extremely questionable. He seems to equate knowing how to download torrents with hacking, expresses surprise that the strange download from a shady website was able to steal his Steam information, assumes that a BSOD always indicates a virus, and takes his computer to GeekSquad when it stops working.
- The author also has a very skewed sense of time, mentioning he finished Oblivion in 2008, that ten years had passed since then, with the 'new' Oblivion construction kit just being released. At the end, he goes even further, saying he was able to finish college and start a family within a couple of years.
- Slowbeef's air quotes, which get more exaggerated and drawn out every time.
- Sonic X Episode 79: Goodnight Sweet Princess, is not so much a "lost episode" creepypasta as much as it is a long Take That at Sonic X, in which the narrator (and writer) appears to have an unhealthy fixation on Sally Acorn, to the point where according to the story Amy Rose was literally created as part of a conspiracy to screw her out of getting any more appearances.
- "You know nothing about love you moron-slash-idiot!"
- BATMAN: man wearing only a Batman mask rants about rap music. There are no words.
- Extreme Enunciation Expo: Diabetus and slowbeef take on Konami's E3 2010 Press Conference.
"WON. MIWYUN. TWOOPS."
- Haunted Investigators Ep #2 Retsuwatch: Webcam Ward takes on Christopher Bores' ghost hunting show Haunted Investigators:
(After the ultra-long theme song ends)
Diabetus: Whew, that was an exciting episode.
Khad: Uhh, Diabetus... that was just the intro.
Diabetus: [clearly distraught] Oh good... good.
Bores: Tonight, the Haunted Investigators will take on the case of: the Patterson Tower!
Khad: Yeah, the chief really needed this case off his desk.
slowbeef: [in "50s news editor" voice] Yeah, I gotta get those jerkoffs on YouTube.
Khad: [in a British accent]: But SIR!
slowbeef: [in "50s news editor" voice] Now you listen here! I've got nothing for today's front page! Get those Haunted Investigators on the horn!
[Bores starts fiddling with a rod shaped object]
slowbeef: "Well, time to calibrate the ghost stick!"
Khad: "Hey! Why does it say 'douche' when I point it at myself? I ain't no ghost!"
[Bores takes off his bag and begins searching through it]
slowbeef: [in a whiny voice] "Oh...I didn't pack enough ice cream sandwiches..."
Caption: Tower Grounds. 9:45 PM
slowbeef: Oooh! 9:45 PM. The Witching Hour!
Bores: Is there anybody that's still roaming this area.....that has a message for us?
Khad: [semi-distant] Stop making videos!
[On the show's credits]
Khad: "Executive Producer: Christopher Bores". Guess that makes sense... "Editor: Christopher Bores"... "Post Production: Christopher Bores"...
Diabetus: He certainly does.
Khad: "Music Editor: Christopher Bores". I'm starting to see a pattern!
[Credits show "A Special Thanks to all parties involved in making this episode possible"]
Khad: Wha? He didn't give anyone in the video credit?
Diabetus: Another case closed by the Haunted Investigators!
slowbeef: [in "50s news editor" voice] I give you the biggest case I've ever seen and all you come back with is a bat and a broken camera? Get out of here you bums! And don't let the door hit ya! Waaah!
- Mass Effect: the Christian Mass is celebrated in a rather special way, featuring interpretive dance and giant puppets. slowbeef is stunned at first, but 'beef and 'betus turning the thing into a gladiatorial deathmatch takes the cake.
Diabetus: Bring in the cripples!
slowbeef: And now the elderly with candles!
Diabetus: So this is where old people go to die. That's it, right?
slowbeef: Everybody stand up! It's the fuckin' Pope! He has joined this crazed fest!
slowbeef: ...and if any of you elderly complain about this strange mass, then you'll be beaten with these reeds!
[[A man and woman dance, respectively holding a thurible and bible]]
slowbeef: AND NOW THE BATTLE BEGINS! My money's on that woman with the book!
Diabetus: I dunno, I think that guy with the ashy morningstar's got a chance.
slowbeef: Oh, he can't get that mace up above his head! Come on! Fifty bucks says he's bald from hitting himself in the skull!
Diabetus: (Effeminate voice) "It's just so heavy!"
slowbeef: Look at her! She's been in fights before!
Diabetus: She's drunk.
- Microsoft Stock Plummets: Here's Why Some douchey stringbean-kid fails to make a point about Xbox when suddenly, he puppets a Master Chief helmet into giving him an exaggerated blowjob. The goons have a field day with this one.
- The Orc of Wes'sv'Urginia never stops with the Cluster F Bombs.
Diabetus: Wow, this must be a really buff dude. [Cuts to an obese girl.] Ehh...
- Stripper: There are no words, even if It Makes Sense in Context.
- When Fur is Rubbed the Wrong Way: The riff on the rant is pretty standard but the part where he works out with the camera pointed at him in awkward angles is what makes it.
- In the very first episode, Slowbeef and Diabetus realize that since the podcast consist of the two of them just having conversation, they can't allow themselves to maintain conversations outside of podcasts from now on.
- As slowbeef mentions the plans for his then upcoming wedding, Diabetus comments that he'll give the location of the wedding to their fans and turn the whole event into a Retsupurae convention.
- The entire conversation that follows after ProtonJon mentions that DeceasedCrab is getting married.
- Throughout episode 8, Dave_O just says whatever comes to his mind in the background.
- Episode 10 has slowbeef acknowledging the users posting comments in their Adults React to PewDiePie video about how hot Diabetus is.
slowbeef: I'm gonna agree you're the hot guy of Retsupurae, huh?
Diabetus: Let's not talk about that.
- In episode 14, Slowbeef recounts his trip to Thailand, which includes men giving him a backrub as he was using a urinal.
- Towards the start of episode 15, Slowbeef has noticeable difficulty containing his laughter while saying "[ProtonJon] got tricked into doing a Mario romhack Let's Play."
- Slowbeef and Diabetus going crazy over Diabetus (supposedly) never shutting up about his disease, in episode 19.
- Episode 20 has a part where slowbeef, Diabetus, and CherryDoom talk about how, after participating in The Runaway Guys' tournament on Jon's invitation, they were too tired to walk back to their hotel and decided to take a cab...only for the bellhop to offer them a limo that was sitting outside the hotel.
- Each of the PAX podcasts start with slowbeef, Diabetus, and CherryDoom reading through Craigslist listings for people at PAX who want to hook up. At one point, this leads to CherryDoom sarcastically saying of one of them that she's "hungry for some nerd dick," only for all three of them to crack up in hysterics.
- According to Diabetus, the president of NVGTR hugged them at PAX East 2013.
- Episode 23: Chip Cheezum's reaction to watching normal looking people casually buying hentai in public at C2E2.
GeneralIronicus: Joke mean word funny laugh how?
- And apparently shortly after they got to the convention, Chip's dad called him to ask what hentai was (or more specifically, he wanted to know the word for porn animes and mangas).
- The discussion on the question, "Where do you get your jokes from?"
Chip Cheezum: I don't know where jokes come from, but I wanna make jokes so the girl next door'll like me...
GeneralIronicus: If I write... uh, uh, something on a note of paper and I sleep with it under my pillow, will the joke fairy come and add a punchline? Will that happen?
Chip Cheezum: Can I exchange my punched-out teeth for jokes? What's the exchange rate for creativity? Help!
- Proton Jon participates in Episode 24 in mid-vacation with The Runaway Guys.
Diabetus: Proton Jon and the Runaway Guys are recording this from Delfino Plaza.
Slowbeef: [while discussing the backlash to Nintendo claiming ad revenue from YouTube videos showing footage of their games] So, Tim, are you going to change your account name to "GreedyFuckersCapriSun"?
- In Episode 24, everything from Slowbeef's conversation with NintendoCapriSun
NCS: [laughs] I'll think about it.
Slowbeef: That bitch ain't in the house.
- Around 12 minutes, Slowbeef talks briefly about an ex-girlfriend of his:
Slowbeef's wife, distant: Are you talking about me?
- Retsutalk Episode 36: Northernlion is Full of Shit:
- Their reactions to Northernlion's laugh button.
- In Episode 37, Yahtzee tells about a time when a fan wanted to shake his hand 'just to touch him'. Then it gets even better when the fan tries to explain that he wanted to touch someone that touched Gabe Newell.
- At the end of the podcast, slowbeef gives Yahtzee a suggestion of what his next game should be called: Big Dicked Werewolves.
- In Episode 41, a conversation on Newgrounds leads to a in-depth discussion on Meet n' Fuck Kingdom.
- Episodes 45 and then 49 feature Beef and Betus, joined by Chip Cheezum, General Ironicus and 100 Hogs Agree for a short campaign of Dungeon World. The entire five hours or so is hilarity from beginning to end.
- Episode 47, where slowbeef talks about his vacation to Paris with his wife. Highlights include slowbeef's description of and reactions to the Catacombs of Paris, and his frustrations with the airlines.
[slowbeef talks about the Catacombs, including the walls covered in human skulls and femurs]
slowbeef: There's, like, a heart made of skulls at one point.
slowbeef: But human skulls!
Diabetus: France really is the romantic capital of the world.
slowbeef: But, it's like, fucking skulls! Like, human skulls! Y'know?
[slowbeef tells Diabetus that the catacombs aren't fully mapped out, a tourgroup got lost inside, and a dead man's skeleton just sitting down in the cave]
slowbeef: It's like, it's almost like a joke. Like, "how haunted can we make one place?"
- "Too Much TMI. Too Much Too Much Information."
- Episode 50:
- Episode 54: The goons and Pat discussing the antics of Dark Syde Phil.
- Episode 71:
- slowbeef tells a story about how on the train ride up to Boston for PAX, happened to end up sitting in the seat behind JonTron and how everybody on the train knew who Jon was. Including the conductor.
- And on the Eighth Day, OUYA Game has slowbeef and Diabetus dealing with a man who's funding a religion-heavy game series and not doing a good job at it.
slowbeef: He only has five days left, but... to make 35 grand, there's... only eighty-five dollars pledged, Satan begone!
Diabetus: Sooo, what you're saying is he needs a miracle?
Diabetus: What button do I press to turn the game off, forever? And if I do, will the game reset three days later?
- "Also giant bees for some reason."
- "It's not Adam and Parasite Eve."
- Androx, Demon of Fire opens with the creator filming himself in a way that looks like he just kidnapped someone, followed by a poorly-made RPG Maker game that only questions why he needs $2000 for it.
- Barbarossa: Anime Women of the SS has the duo watching a video for a project to bring a World War II-themed ecchi-like card game overseas, something that flabbergasts slowbeef when he finds out that it got funded ten times over
Diabetus: Ja, ist kawaii.
- Chrono Trigger. Yes. has someone trying to recreate Chrono Trigger on RPG Maker.
- slowbeef and Diabetus show off a question that asks what would happen if the program got desist. They get a good laugh over the idea that the person never thought of it.
- Endless Final Fantasy XIII (-Like?), a boring, generic JRPG made in RPGMaker over the course of four years requiring $12,000 to complete. However, most of the humor is derived from the backstory to the game. The creator apparently having been inspired by becoming friends with another player in an MMO, a girl whose only explicit dialogue is "Are you OK?", which Diabetus points out could've been a programmed response from Cleverbot. Unfortunately, the video was later made private when the creator asked them to take it down due to harassment from fans. The backstory, however, is still available on the game's Kickstarter page.
- Final Fantasy IV...BUT WITH CRAFTING! has another boring JRPG-styled RPGMaker-created game that has slowbeef questioning why he needs $50,000 dollars (which the person says is "modest") for this.
- Early on, slowbeef points out the odd camera angle wrecks the perspective, making the person's head larger than the TV behind him. Diabetus mentions that it looks like a giant thumb is talking to them.
- Crafting is apparently a Berserk Button for slowbeef as he has no idea what people see in it and is quite exasperated over this important usage.
- Near the end of the man's demonstration, the background music grows louder, drowning him out.
- When checking out the man's Pledge gifts, his $500 gift is a trip to meet him. They have a kick out of what he would do with them. However, slowbeef and Diabetus come up with the conclusion that the creator himself put it in the 500 himself.
- Fund Me And I Will Play Video Games has a man trying to fund his Twitch channel. The funniest part is the backer rewards, in which he offers to have your gamertag (limit of 20), company logo (limit of 10), or face (limit of 15) as a watermark on his channel for its entirety. slowbeef and Diabeetus want to see what a stream with the maximum number of watermarks would look like, calling him the Nascar of streaming.
- Fund the American Dream aka My Vacation has a man attempt to get people to pay him to go around the world, but the real comedy is in the reward tiers. The $1 reward is a sleepover at his house, the $500 reward is him making breakfast in bed and delivering it to you, and the $10,000 reward is you being able to high-five him at the Sears Tower.
- King's Quest 0 has a man pitching literally nothing more than a vague idea of a video game.
- Left 4 De- I mean, Left to Rot dives deep into hilarity the moment the gameplay footage is shown. Framerate that runs at a buttery smooth 3 FPS.
- Massively Malfunded Online Role Playing Game has a horribly animated MMORPG, with the creators asking for 500,000 dollars to complete it.
- Their reaction to the revelation that the creators have spent four years working on the game.
- The second trailer uses 'O Fortuna' as music over virtually nothing happening, eventually segueing into a terrible techno remix.
- Mean Peanut's opening video left Slowbeef and TurboC extremely confused at the group of college dropouts who wanted to make comedy sketches on the Internet instead. Even funnier was their attempt to get Rooster Teeth to plug them.
- MineBoss showcases Wild Willy, the incredibly creepy mascot for a boring digging simulation.
- Monster Girl 3D (Rated F For Families) has the duo watching a video about a hentai 3D RPG... for families?
slowbeef: What's a family-friendly RPG that we can make? [Textbox pops up that reads...] Succubus Village!
slowbeef: It has new priest model, Slug Girl and Slime Girl battles... [sputters] What the fuck? "Alice battle and h-scene if you don't help her in the forest are now present" H-scene, correct me if I'm wrong here, is maybe something you don't want your kids playing?!
- At the end, they look over an update for the game...
slowbeef: ...I dunno.
- Nightmare Items (also some zombies): Another generic zombie apocalypse game with silly funding goals, such as an obligatory unnecessary crafting system, and 3D models with a very huge amount of polygons (they imply that polygons are the only way to add detail) that will slow your gaming system down to a crawl. A huge amount of grammatical errors on their funding page does not help either.
- Pass2Pros?: a sports MMO allegedly featuring star athletes (that apparently aren't paid for their appearances), as well as lots of butchered sketch comedy and two hosts with the combined charisma of a dead cat.
- Pot Shot: A pitching video for an automatic soup-stirrer, with the most awkward hosts and least impressive demonstration ever.
Sean: This is my product...with my two friends...the...Pot Shot.
slowbeef: *snickering* Is one of your friends the Pot Shot?
Diabetus: So, slowbeef, can you tell me about the risks and challenges of this project?
- The actual Kickstarter page for the Pot Shot shows that Sean doesn't seem to fully understand what exactly Kickstarter does, with disastrous results.
slowbeef: Um, "the only obstacle to getting this device built is that it will require some funding".
slowbeef: (through laughter) Wha- yes, I know why you're here!
Diabetus: Followup question, what is Kickstarter? (slowbeef laughs)
- Random Encounter: Kickstarter Scam features something made in about five minutes with RPG Maker passed off as an 'artsy' game.
slowbeef: Alright, play the video in three...two...one...play.
- Right off the bat, their reaction to the trailer's hideously annoying background noise:
slowbeef: Aagh, shit!
Diabetus: The final boss is Laptop Fan.
slowbeef: What is that horrible crap?!
- Sim Mayor/Armor/Teacher/Farmer/Miner has one of the worst green screen effects, including one of the developers' trousers partially disappearing, along with PS1-level graphics and possibly the worst framerate ever seen.
- The part that shows a character running around with their legs moving ridiculously fast, which contrasts humorously with their stiff torso.
- Thera: Bullet Hell? OR BULLET HEAVEN???: A Touhou ripoff called Thera that starts out with a brief intro from the stereotypically nerdy creator, then dives into gameplay footage that looks like something off Newgrounds.
slowbeef: I'm looking at this, I'm thinking CAVE, as in this was made in one.
- Viral Video has someone who wants to make a viral video using the Omni Treadmill, an Occulus Rift and a used Segway and needs $5000 to fund it. He only gets $1 and it was from just one person who wanted to mock how stupid the whole thing is, which was the one dollar goal gift.
- At the end, slowbeef and Diabetus catch sight of a picture of how it would be and just mock how bad the Photoshopping is.
Indie No Go
- FMV (Fetish Made Video) Game has slowbeef and DJB dealing with a game that seems to be geared towards... tickle fetishes?
- The Gorilla Pongs Singapore Cocktail. The title is actually more comprehensible than the video, as the pitch includes a ton of bizarre moments but never really explains what the game they're pitching is.
- Meet n Fuck, Smartwatch Edition: the pitch is creating a smartwatch that will send subliminal messages to the user's brain while they listen to music on it, helping them build confidence to pick up chicks. The duo obviously do not buy it for a second and find the pick up line suggestions appalling:
Narrator: Use the flower photos on the watch face. Show it to a girl and say, "I got these flowers for you."(slowbeef cracks up)Diabetus: No, don't do that! Never do that!!
- Steampunk Virtual Reality Thing: A poorly translated whopper of a campaign riddled with plagiarism, vague goals, and the promise of a Steampunk game with time travel, "The Nazism,"[sic] and "The Alien invasions" for $200,000,000 DOLLARS. The duo act hyped at first, then melt into hysterics over the sheer level of nonsense. Special mention goes to the utter absurdity of the "New Galaxy Nazi World Order", which causes slowbeef to keel over with laughter.
- Slowbeef tended to put snarky comments in the tag section before Youtube made them invisible. Some of the funnier ones include:
- A Look Into Ancient LP Technology note
- Coming this fall... note
- Execute LP Protocol #2: Dash-Da-Dash note
- Horror! ...No, that's really the game's name. note
- Let's Play... What the hell is this? note
- The LP is terrible... I hope it doesn't last note
- Retsufrash - Arrival in Hell note
- Rijno and Darknessthecurse review Brave Fencer Musashi note
- Super Bummerman 2 note
- This is Kokiri Forest  note
- Tower of Horrible Voices note
- The Unfair Retsupurae note
- You will not make it through this video note
- A Day in the Life of DarkSydePhil: Quite a couple in this collab of clips, most of which parody DarkSydePhil being Too Incompetent to Operate a Blanket.
slowbeef: I'm not getting clean!
- Slowbeef's first scene, where he struggles to use a shower.
Sebmal: Oh, wow, it doesn't even fit! Thanks for such a shitty video game console, Sega!
- His second scene, featuring him attempting to unlock an iPad.
- The scene where Sebmal slaps an Xbox 360 game around an NES in an attempt to get it to work.
James Lewell: How am I supposed to write the essay if it takes my pencil away from me! Where'd it go? [...] Why is there a boat here? Am I supposed to ride the boat to school?
- The pencil sharpener scene:
- Psychedelic Eyeball's attempt to draw a floppy-eared dog can't go unmentioned.
- A Deeper Connection With Newgrounds. Simply put: the Carousel pitch from Mad Men plus Meet 'n Fuck Kingdom.
- Adults React To PewDiePieis truly a wonder to behold, with Retsupurae fans, and even slowbeef and Diabetus themselves using the "scare cam" concept to insult PewDiePie over several of his videos. Some of the funnier reactions to PDP's videos include:
slowbeef: *Sighs* Ya know, maybe I'm making too much of this, maybe it's not so bad. I'm sure it's got its own appeal, and there's probably nothing really that terrible in these videos, I mean, ya know-
- A woman pouring an entire bottle of pills into her hand.
- Slowbeef's first scene.
PewDiePie: (In the video slowbeef is watching) Oh, he's raping her!
slowbeef: I'm sorry, what was that?
slowbeef: I give up. There is no bottom as to how bad this gets.
- A man loading an assault rifle and putting it into his mouth.
- A man smoking a bong onscreen.note
- Diabetus's four appearances reading off a number of PewDiePie's more disturbing titles, culminating in a caption that reads "FUCKING SERIOUSLY, ACTUAL VIDEO TITLES. ACTUAL VIDEO TITLES. HOW DOES HE LIVE WITH HIMSELF?!?!"
- A man vomiting in disgust.
- A man simply repeating "30 000 likes. 30 000 likes." in sheer disbelief.
- A man declaring "There is no God," and slashing his wrists.
- A man making a phone call, reporting PewDiePie as a crime against humanity.
- Made even funnier later, when it cuts back to the same goon, he finds out that numerous reports have already been made against Pewdie.
- The numerous Screw This, I'm Outta Here! reactions.
- "There is a human being out there who watched one on these videos and thought to themself, "Yeah... I'm gonna date that."
- Slowbeef declaring that this can't get any worse, then we see a giant purple head from Ao Oni with PDP's mouth imposed on it...
Purple Head: IT'S RAPING TIME.
slowbeef: Okay, there is that.
"I have no content, and I must scream."
- Due to PDP's overzealous fans flagging the video and limiting it to accounts 18 or older, slowbeef released a "Rated E for Everyone" version that censored the pill bottle, the bong, the machine gun, the drinking, and the wrist-slashing. However, all of PDP's footage was intact, every curse word and instance of the word "rape" still remained. Showing just how broken YouTube's system really is.
- The censorship in said video includes replacing the bottle of pills with Tic-Tacs, the Jack Daniels with Coke Zero, and the weapons with a picture of Bill Gates. Also, a scene was added that wasn't in the original video.
- In the Retsutalk about the video, Diabetus sums up PewDiePie's style thusly,
- Slowbeef intentionally imitating PewDiePie's video style, poking fun at how he makes his videos in general while faking enthusiasm and plastering the videos with millions of annotations poking fun at the the overadvertising of it all.
[slowbeef takes drink from mug]
Annotation: What is that, buttermilk? YOU FAT SHIT!
Second Annotation pointing to the first: Bodysh aming!
Third Annotation: Social Justice Warrior MUCH??!? LOL!
Fourth Annotation: What are you, an MRA idito from Reddit?
Annotation beneath the scare cam: Talk about this video in the My Little Pony forums.
Annotation in top right corner: Please subscribe, I am desperate!
Annotation that completely covers Slowbeef's reaction window: ProtonJon!
- At the very beginning of the Happy Wheels video, slowbeef laughing at the dog food advertisement that he intentionally left in the recording.
- A Public Service Announcement For You: slowbeef makes a (now-defunct, though you can see its former contents here) website for Retsupurae, while Diabetus makes a (still-going) Twitter account for the group. Neither one gets a good response from the other.
Diabetus: Did you spray-paint the top with gray paint - what is this? How much time did you spend on this?
slowbeef: I spent a lot of time (the footage switches over to a Twitter page) - well, if you're gonna be talking about shit, what is this now?
Diabetus: It's... it's how people connect to each other, it's called "Twitter". You may have heard of it.
slowbeef: You made a fucking Twitter (the camera shows the tab page, with "Diabetus & Slowbeef" visible) and you put my name on it?!
slowbeef: W... are you out of -
Diabetus: Once our account kicks the bucket, how are people gonna know what we're doing, and I -
slowbeef: (At the same time) I'm not - I'm not tweeting!
(The camera pans right, showing that the page has zero followers.)
Diabetus: Look how popular we are! Come on!
slowbeef: Oh, god! "Making a crappy website"... Yeah, here's what I say to that: (slowbeef begins typing in the Google search bar) "Can we be gayer?" 'Cause... I don't know how we could. (slowbeef types "gameguy" after the above question) Wait... yes I do.
- Don't Watch This. Slowbeef forces Chip Cheezum to watch a hentai readalong (censored, mind you) as revenge for making Slowbeef watch the garbage life video. Chip's utter disbelief over it is astounding!
Chip: It has 12,000 views and one dislike!
Slowbeef: (Laughing) Chip's the one.
- Wait for it... (Don't Watch This Edition), a continuation where Slowbeef reads a post related to the reader's critique on a sex toy. Things get really, really uncomfortable, really fast.
- Elly20XX's Message for Retsupurae: An unedited rant against Retsupurae from some guy who seems to have a severe head cold, making him sound like cartoon character.
- Let's... I Can't Even Pretend To Guess.
[Various clips of penguins set through a WMM filter and set to the reprise of Jimmy T's song from WarioWare Smooth Moves; several seconds of stunned silence.]
slowbeef: All right, what.
Diabetus: Are, uh, we in a club?
Slowbeef: I, uh... This is a Let's Play, right?
[Text reading "LordPenguin777 Presents:" appears.]
Diabetus: Oh, I get it. Wait, no I don't.
slowbeef: ...that was like Hunter S. Thompson playing video games.
- Metroid Machina Makes Me Maddingly Miserable:
slowbeef: Oh man, she "aquaired" the grapple!
Diabetus: My aqua-aired...
slowbeef: I think Grapple Aqua-aired is like a drink... it's like a juice.
Diabetus: Oh my god, the soundtrack's dying.
- Their reaction to the intro:
slowbeef: Yeah, this is really painful to listen to.
Diabetus: DRRRRRRRR DRRRRRRR
slowbeef: The Metroid theme, as done by nails on chalkboard.
- Mortal Konversationnote : their riff on Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins in all its poorly-animated glory.
Diabetus: Good place to stop.
- In particular, Part 3 ending a few seconds after a horribly animated, freakish close up on Sonya Blade's screaming face caused a good few chuckles, as well as certain mash ups.
- Johnny Cage's inexplicable backwalking animation during the Tarkatan mook fight sequence in part 3 and 4, which slowbeef interprets as moongrappling. It has inspired this video, which is visible in the favorites list on the RP Youtube account.
- The Most Shameful Thing In The World: Don't watch if you like Haruhi. You won't after this video.
"With the amount of dignity lost, I don't see how this could possibly get any.." [Record Needle Scratch] "...worse?""Is this what anime did to America? Is this revenge on us for dropping the bombs?"
- OH HELL YES I AM DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS: In which the duo comment over someone playing a face-maker game... While playing Disturbed music, of all things. The kicker is when they pretend to be Occidental Otaku who think this is awesome.
Diabetus: FULL-DEATH-METAL ALCHEMIST, BRO!
- Praying Dumbass
slowbeef: "I saw this thing in my house! What the hell is this? I got no idea! Other things I don't know: Google.com, what the hell is that? Wikipedia, what the hell is that? Asking a friend, I have no idea how to do that! The only thing I can do is film stuff and use Vimeo.com as my only avenue of knowledge! What the hell was that-" It's a praying mantis you fucking idiot.
slowbeef: Hey everyone, I wanted to introduce to you a great video by Jacob. I hope the title doesn't give it away because there is a lot to it, and I wouldn't want you missing it. Take a look.
- Following this is the "Sandwich" Video.
[plays video of a sandwich and milk being consumed in 10 seconds]
slowbeef: STUNNING! "Sandwich" By Jacob, that's great. You know what's great about this video, too, is it actually took longer to make the sandwich than the video. And you know what else is great? In a few hours, they'll be the same thing!
- Sword of Vermillion is a video of a guy doing a live action version of the titular game with incredibly cheap props and horribly awkward movements.
Diabetus: So earlier you said that this game was the Genesis' answer to The Legend of Zelda. I say that this video is the human answer to the Genesis.
slowbeef: I think this video is why Sega stopped making consoles.
Diabetus: Imagine being the cameraman for this. How would you feel?
slowbeef: Bound and Gagged?
- Slowbeef's reactions to the video, which start out confused and become increasingly horrified.
slowbeef: Oh god... what is this? Oh, this is shameful. This is so- Oh good god.
- The spin-off Webcam Ward covered a similar video with Golden Axe.
- Slowbeef's reactions to the video, which start out confused and become increasingly horrified.
- Transformers Review? has slowbeef and Proteus getting more exasperated as AllieRX87 vents his rage at a game for a long time.
slowbeef: Ok, we get it! You didn't like the game. Was this necessary?
- The Ultimate Challenge: What might be THE defining moment in the history of combining a LP and a package of pizza rolls.
Proteus: He has - He has bigger tits than my girl...
- Velos Tells You What He Thinks of Retsupurae, an unedited video from a visibly overweight Internet Tough Guy in response to the RP team riffing on one of his friend's videos:
Velos: [completely unemotionally] If [Cloud8745] ever met you in real life, he'd kick your ass. And if I met you in real life, I'd fucking kill you right now. 'Cause you will go down in hell. I'll haunt you. Yeah. I'll kill you.