Funny / Oxventure Part 2

For other Outside Xbox funny moments:

• For moments related primarily to gameplay videos (Let's Plays, livestreams and Xmas Challenges) go here
• For moments related primarily to non-gameplay videos (Top X videos, Show of the Week/Weekend and other videos), go here
• For Oxventure moments from stories 1 through 25, go here.
• For Oxventure moments from story 61 onward, as well as the podcast, go here
• For moments relating to Oxventure Presents Blades in the Dark, go here.
• For moments from Oxventure Deadlands, go here.

Dungeons and Dragons

Story 26: "Tower Rangers"

• During introductions, Dob states he's all about respect for all. Prudence and Corazón remind him of who he's talking to.
• As Mike is not on screen like the others, Johnny takes time to deal with the elephant in the room. Corazón immediately rolls initiative to try and mount the elephant. While Dob tries to seduce it.
• Since Egbert has been abducted by Liliana, Corazón declares the most important next move: Cashing in with Egbert memorial merch. Dob is offended...that Corazón has not suggested commemorative plates.
• Corazón then begins to write a memorial song, while Prudence and Dob talk about how Corazón is in denial.
• Corazón reminds everyone that Liliana specifically ordered her people to "seize" Egbert, so he's probably still alive. Also, they didn't see him lose his head. But that might not matter anyway, since lizards regrow their tails if they break off, and Corazón's pretty sure it happens with heads too. Merilwen is rendered utterly insensate.
• Johnny reminds Dob that, as a disciple of La Vache Mauve, he would be aware of any funerary rites should they be needed: That the corpse needs to be aged for at least three weeks. In marinade. In fact, he has to rub salt crystals into the corpse to help with the marbling...errr....mourning.
  Dob: There's no more pain where you're going...as I prepare to fill him with stuffing.
• Corazón then decides to get on with the plan, because rescuing Egbert would give far more lucrative merch opportunities than memorial merch. And thus begins the quest for Egbert's corpse, or brain. Whichever.
• The group decides to investigate the tomb, and both Dob and Corazón roll critical successes while Prudence gets a very high roll as well. They hope it means they find Egbert behind a curtain. Merilwen, meanwhile, gets a five. And stubs her toe.
• Prudence and Corazón find a book of matches and a dragon scale as a clue. Dob also finds a different clue: Liliana's hair. He keeps that to himself. When pressed by the group, Dob immediately says his clue is a cockroach. So Merilwen casts Speak with Animals and as it turns out, the cockroach is a belligerent dude who says he'll talk if they put him down. He then skitters away.
  Prudence: After we rescue Egbert, we'll leave out the part where we got outsmarted by a cockroach.
• Merilwen decides to leave the cockroach alone, only to find out it makes a new home in her cloak. She then tries to name it. Johnny refuses, but the "No" becomes "Noah." Merilwen offers Colin, but he refuses, as alliteration makes him sound like he's five. Which doesn't make sense because cockroaches don't live that long.
• Prudence immediately realizes that Seal Gaiman might also have been abducted. He hasn't been, but the sounds he's making are either mourning the loss of a friend or loss of revenge.
• The clues point to Redcastle, the city from "Plunder Siege." Since the group sailed across the sea during "Ship Happens", the group is nowhere near it, and needs someone to teleport. Dob remembers that Binbag can do it, and Dob calls for him. Corazón immediately tries to call out in the opposite frequency to cancel it out. So Johnny calls for a roll which he passes. So then Dob modulates his voice like an auto-tune.
• Binbag agrees to help...because it will annoy Corazón. So he creates a portal, and Prudence points out that Binbag has to declare if it goes to Hell. Corazón takes out Hell insurance.
• As Corazón goes through the portal, Binbag tries to pull down his pants. He fails, and then the pair trade Your Mom insults and Unusual Euphemism.
• Noticing the fight with Binbag, Dob asks if Corazón is just angry at Binbag, or is angry at his father and losing Egbert. Prudence comments that she's only in it for revenge and doesn't care about Egbert, which Dob accepts. This offends her, as she's upset that only Corazón gets to be in denial.
• Back in Redcastle, Corazón immediately gets his thief on by declaring it All Crim's Night and trying to rob a turnip salesman. But apparently, that changed after some idiot put a Tome of Eldritch Lore in a bowl of stew. Dob looks sheepish.
• The turnip salesman is helpful, so Corazón buys a turnip...which he chucks into the middle distance and breaks a window.
• The Salty Heifer, the pub from Prudence's clue, is very posh and Johnny reflects the price of the booze is probably going to be reflected in that. Dob points out that money is no object. Merilwen retorts that it's actually lots of objects. In a lake.
• Corazón orders beers for the group, and an extra one for Egbert absently. He then drinks it, and Dob reflects on how Corazón would always drink Egbert's beer.
• The barman mentions that it's karaoke night, by which he means "carry-oak-y" when he describes the stack of logs the participants drag around the room and up and down the stairs. Ellen and Luke get the joke first, followed by Jane a little later. Andy attempts to keep a straight face.
• Dob pretends that matchbooks given away by bars are leverage.
• Realizing that there are many different Egbert clones that come into the pub, Prudence immediately dubs Egbert the Ur-bert.
• When the guild tells the publican that Egbert was kidnapped, he's concerned that there's going to be a brawl in the tavern. Dob points out that he, Prudence, and Corazón won't, but Merilwen he's not sure because she's a wild card. Merilwen is a wild cat, actually, but she's hissing because Noah the cockroach is still in her cloak.
• Merilwen calls for Binbag to return Noah to home. Corazón immediately refers to Binbag as the 4:15 wizard being on time for once. Binbag is then bribed to help, naturally, with the book of matches by Dob.
• Realizing the Egbert clones will show up for carry-oak-y night, the plan is to wait at the bar for them to arrive. As such, disguises will be needed. Prudence immediately shoots down a Beeples revival, so dresses as a sexy ranger.
• Merilwen turns into a pub cat, and does such a good job acting that there's already a painting of her.
• Realizing the group hasn't changed the backgrounds of their screens, Johnny remarks that the Salty Heifer is a themed bar. The theme is crypt.
• Corazón is still disguised as Paul McCart-bee but realizes a flaw in his plan: That was his disguise when Egbert was kidnapped, so Liliana will notice it. So he turns himself into an even sexier smoldering ranger, so he and Prudence get into a ranger-off.
• Dob declares that, since they have time, he will go to the weaponsmith and get a sword, since his rapier was destroyed and he's been using a stick. Corazón joins him, since he specced into swashbuckler and can wield two swords, getting the most ornate swords he can think of with hilts that can switch out showing Corazón fighting various things. Prudence replenishes her spell components, but ducks away once they talk about recharging crystals, because that's just a big scam. Dob declares that this costs all their money...but he does try to pay in matchbooks first.
• Corazón declares they need to get a tracking bug on the Otherberts...which is Merilwen asking a bug to hide in their belongings.
• After the Egberts arrive, the guild tails them as they leave. Dob throws a matchbook to the publicans and passes a dex roll. A failure would've burned the bar down.
• The Egbert's pass through a glamoured wall which the guild cannot follow, except for Merilwen since she hid in the Otherbert's belongings as a cat. Corazón declares Dob should ram into the wall, which he does and fails. After learning what a glamour is, they discuss how to get past one. Apparently, you need to kill the head wall.
• Merilwen, meanwhile, has gotten inside and is going to try to figure out a way for the group to escape. She continues down the tower to realize as she descends, the Otherberts are less evolved, whereas the bottom floor are more lizard than dragon. She has to sneak past them, but Johnny tells her not to worry: Egbert has a -1 to perception even at the best of times.
• Merilwen reunites with the group near the glamoured wall. She thinks she can cast Stone Shape, but is worried that since she can't see the glamour, that it might not work, as glamours are only visible from one side. She reaches her hand through to try and touch the wall, so Dob grabs her hand and asks her to pull him through. It fails again, and Dob rolls to avoid concussion.
• Once inside, Prudence gets the idea to scale the tower and avoid the Otherberts. She researches her Spider Climb to see if she can cast it on other people. She can, and also realizes that she can keep her hands free when she uses the spell. But since climbing like Dracula is creepier, she refuses.
• As Prudence scales the tower, Johnny points out its sad she doesn't have a KillBill style yellow and black jumpsuit. Corazón reminds her that there was something she could've worn that was yellow and black: The Beeples revival outfits.
  Prudence: I can't believe you managed to work that into a Call-Back.
  Johnny: (defeated) I just wanted to make a Bruce Lee reference.
• Corazón immediately continues by calling him Bruce Bee. And rolls to avoid necrotic damage. Prudence was certain with was an Uma Thur-bee reference from the movie Kill Bee.
• Prudence is carrying rope to help the group ascend, so once she reaches the top, she searches for a gargoyle where she can tie the rope. Naturally, it looks like Egbert projectile vomiting. Prudence hugs it.
• Liliana is at the top of the tower, and since her magic is very powerful, the group rejects using Pass Without Trace, as they think she'll notice and dispel it. So they come up with three different plans: Corazón will forment revolution, Merilwen will use a spike trap, and Dob will spring in once Liliana leaves to deal with problems downstairs. This is considered to be a better plan than simply creating an illusion of an Eldritch Abomination Egbert.
  Johnny: I love that you think hiding is a risky plan but this isn't.
• Merilwen is okay with the plan because clones of her friend are against the natural order. The group is appalled by her bloodthirstyness.
• With some amazing roleplaying, Corazón convinces some Renaissance-era Egberts to get angry by telling them carry-oak-y is cancelled. He then goes to some cavemen-Egberts and throws their clubs away. He then returns to the Egberts to find them fighting with some 80's stock tycoon "Wolf of Wall-berts." Corazón leans into this by praising the Wolf of Wall-berts and leads to an epic war.
  Johnny:(as the Renaissance-berts) Let's show them how cultured we are...by beating them with maces.
• Corazón praises the moxie as the civil war between Egberts starts...then casts Grease so he can slide out.
• Merilwen, meanwhile, gets the lizard-Egberts to constantly walk on the trap because they are abundantly stupid. It's so distressing she breaks concentration.
• To escape the tower, Dob hoists Egbert on his shoulder and jumps off, so Corazón can cast Feather Fall as they pass him. Prudence calls this a trust exercise, and knows how to handle these: She climbs down on her own.
• Merilwen turns into a bear so Egbert can be carried more easily. His breath is pretty hot, so they know he's alive. So Johnny points out how poor in taste Corazón's merch is. Especially the recipe for kidney dishes.
• Realizing that Egbert is still unconscious, the group realizes they'll need someone science-minded and intelligent to look over him. Corazón rejects Binbag out of hand. Prudence suggests Shattershield and the order, but remembers how shady they are. Dob suggests Merilwen's family since they are natural healers, but that idea gets rejected since this is something they probably haven't seen. Corazón then reminds them that Necropolis-on-Sea is a safe place, and Bismuth might be able to help. Johnny then shuts everyone down by reminding them that Dob's sister Suzette studies medicine.
• As is Oxventure tradition at this point, Johnny constructs an epic, combat focused gauntlet of a rescue mission through a tower of increasingly deadly foes inspired by Game of Death, and the group not only thinks of a way to bypass the gauntlet entirely as soon as they encounter it, they then figure out not one but three separate plans to distract Liliana, get Egbert and cheese it without ever entering combat once - all of which unexpectedly go off without a single hitch. None of the villains were even aware that the Oxventurers were there at all.
  • Johnny can't help but lampshade their plight^note this would be the fourth or fifth time the Oxventurers have kiboshed their extensive combat plans by thinking of a lateral way out after the adventure is over.
  Johnny (weary, in that DM way): And that's the story of how you all climbed the outside of the tower, because I'll never learn.

Story 27: "Watch Out!"

• As introductions begin, Corazón immediately introduces himself as the Egbert-slayer.
• The "Tower Rangers" story ends with the group looking for Dob's sister Suzette. As it turns out, they found the wrong Suzette, but fortunately, Suzettes are a Hive Mind.
• Suzette doesn't live in a large house, so not long after they dropped off Egbert, everyone except Dob got kicked out. The Guild resolves to get Dob away from her, and sends him a Message to tell him that the Guild is his real family. However, he's out of range of Message, so it hits a random dude named Bob. Who is thrilled and goes looking for them.
• When the town of Ransome is introduced, Luke, the DM, remarks that it has two story houses. Corazón's first thought is to spit from the roof.
• The group is broke from buying all of their weapons from the previous episode, so Corazón tries some robbery. Merilwen wants to do a paying quest instead, but Corazón points out that robbery is a quest. This is when the group learns that Dob and Egbert were the group's moral centers.
• The group is just drinking water, and the proprietoress is none too pleased, and is incredibly passive aggressive. But she notices Corazón's swords and offers a quest. Immediately, Corazón declares it's 20 Bear Asses for her meat pies.
• The door to the pub opens and in steps in the Guest-Star Party Member, a dwarf who exclaims the virtues of dwarfkind. Corazón immediately challenges him to talk about the good things of dwarves: He accepts their industrious nature and the ability to never need to duck, but enjoying ale can be enjoyed by anyone.
• The dwarf introduces himself as Hengist. Noticing how the name sounds, Corazón asks if he has a bus, because he's used to these kinds of puns.
• Hengist in general is a delight. He's a Dwarf Cleric whose religion is being fanatically enthusiastic about ''being a dwarf" - which means he's a complete parody of the dwarf character type: eating dirt, fearing the sky and constantly talking about "dwarves, they're great aren't they?"
• Hengist knows his weaknesses: He hopes the quest isn't social stealth.
• Hengist purchases an ale, and Prudence calls for a roll to see how much of that ale is foam. Luke rolls, and it's 70%. He also only eats half of his meat pie, and puts the rest in a dwarven handkerchief. Which is chainmail.
• As they leave the pub with the passive aggressive proprietoress, Prudence posts an angry review on the door. Corazón casts Grease so she'll get sued.
• The quest given is to go see a Professor Shoelacey at a museum. It's the fanciest building in town, and had a large gift shop the group enters through. While there, Hengist asks to see the fine dwarven jewelry, and then tries to rip it apart, thinking they are cheap knockoffs. One Critical Failure later, and it's not only real jewelry, but Hengist takes 5 points of damage.
• While everyone is dealing with Hengist, Corazón decides to rob the gift shop. He gets a natural 20 and he manages to steal a tote bag and fill it with plushies and brass statues.
• While in the museum, Prudence eagerly asks for more details about a mummy from the curator. Prudence rolls, and finds out the guy is desperately reading the placards and trying to sound smart.
• Upon seeing a pair of magical smashing bracers on display, Prudence sadly remarks that Egbert would love those. Hengist is confused as to who that is, leading Corazón and Merilwen to argue, since they don't want to reveal Egbert's location since Liliana might have spies. Corazón badly tries to convince them that Egbert is dead.
• The quest is given: Apparently, a magical pocketwatch was stolen from the museum by another man called Erasmus Simes. Prudence asks if this is a shakedown, and Shoelacey tries very hard to speak without endorsing murder.
• Sensing a quick buck, Corazón sells one of the pocketwatches he stole from the museum to Shoelacey.
• Asking about the reward, Shoelacey offers gold and rubies, but starts to stop himself because it feels very gauche. Corazón and Prudence, meanwhile, extol the virtues of gauche...and try to get more money.
• As the group leaves the museum, Hengist asks Merilwen why Prudence was so eager to endorse the violent option for the quest to retrieve the pocketwatch. Merilwen tries, very poorly to explain self-defense murder and Prudence's whole deal. Which isn't helped by Prudence insisting on going through the torture exhibit and laughing manically the whole time.
  Merilwen: Prudence is real salt of the earth folk. Because she salts the earth after she's done killing.
• Noticing Hengist's hesistation, Corazón asks if he's a Hengist Khan or a Hengist Khan't.
• At Erasmus's shop, the group notices it's run-down, but really notices the building keeps shaking every so often, causing dust to fall down. Hengist tastes it, and finds it's masonry dust. So he catches it on his tongue like snowflakes.
• Corazón strides up to Erasmus and is pretty obvious about asking for the watch, so Merilwen distracts by asking for elven antiques. She notices him spit on a jewel and then claims it's enchanted to be always like the river it was made in. Merilwen retorts that it's cursed. While she distracts him, Corazón looks for documents while Hengist produces the other half of his meat pie and starts seasoning it with more masonry dust.
• Prudence attempts to use Clarivoyance to see the interior of the 2nd story and find the source of that crashing. Luke asks for the range, and when he is told it's a mile, he remarks that they could've found that needy guy Bob from before.
• As the sun sets, Hengist jokes that he turns into a werewolf. Corazón attempts to turn into a werewolf, and while it doesn't, the strain gives him a few more chest hairs. However, one roll later, and no one is impressed. Noticing that the house banging stopped, Prudence immediately declares the source a Daywalking Vampire and Corazón tries to source some anti-garlic.
• The group tries to sneak in, but Hengist reminds them that the door had a bell that chimed when it was opened. So Corazón does a backflip...and disables the bell during this.
• After disabling the bell, Corazón and Prudence check for additional traps while Hengist gets in some practice swings. Luke asks him to roll a "check I'm going to regret asking for."
• Once on the second floor, Corazón notices some claw-shaped footprints, and rolls a check to see if he remembers it. One biff later, and he's convinced it's a griffon.
• As it turns out, the source was a suit of animated armor, which manages to get knocked on the ground by Corazón, but still manages to attack Prudence for 5 points of damage...which is hilariously the same as dropping a dwarven ring on Hengist's foot.
• Prudence crawls through the Grease to Eldritch Blast the armor in melee. Normally, ranged spell attacks are at Disadvantage in melee...but her evil fireman crawl was so cool, Luke gives her Advantage instead.
• Seeing how cool Prudence looked, Merilwen tries the same thing with Produce Flame. While it kills the armor, it also sets alight the Grease the armor was covered in, immolating both Prudence and Merilwen. Immediately, Merilwen tries to cast Create Water, but Hengist points out that water makes grease fires worse.
• The whole affair wakes up Erasmus, and Corazón's attempted bluff is that Erasmus refused to sell him a pocketwatch.
  Erasmus: I don't know what fancy 3 gold piece words you're usin', but I know what you're here for, and, well, I'll die before I let you have it!
  Corazón: (cheerfully) Okay.
• After easily subduing Erasmus, Corazón is conflicted, since he finds Shoelacey too shady and offering too much money for the watch. Merilwen is shocked because Corazón never looks askance at money. Corazón immediately assures her he's in character: He thinks Shoelacey won't pay.
• Hengist tries to talk to Corazón about the watch and what to do with it, but it's merely a distraction so he can cast Spiritual Weapon to blast open the safe. And when Corazón catches him, he does some great Bad "Bad Acting".
• The opened safe reveals the pocketwatch...who immediately de-ages Prudence to baby form. Luke even prepared special baby rules.
• Erasmus tries very poorly to lie that the Oxventurers came in with baby Prudence.
  Hengist: Listen you, fix terrifying baby.
• Corazón kicks Erasmus to get him to help, but when Luke rolls, the kick ends up killing Erasmus. Hengist tries to shield baby Prudence's innocent eyes.
  Corazón: Look, if you die from a light tap like that, it's really natural causes.
• Merilwen attempts to ask Erasmus's cat Silky. Luke voices him as a high-maintenance whiner who is looking for scritches.
• Prudence still has her spellcasting abilities, so tries to do Baby Spider Climb and runs across the ceiling. Corazón has to chase her with a broom.
  Hengist: I let you hold baby for five seconds, it skittering on ceiling.
• Corazón finds an animal crate to put Baby Prudence in, but declares that's cruel even for him.
• Hengist points out that they probably need to head back to Shoelacey, since they don't know how to use the pocketwatch, and, if they want Prudence to grow naturally, other children will suffer. Naturally, the thought of child suffering makes Prudence happy.
• Still believing Shoelacey to be shady, Corazón steals another pocketwatch from the museum to use his illusion magic to offer a fake. Hengist decides to steal a wooden spoon, because he's concerned baby Prudence is teething. One roll later, and she does indeed have a fang.
• Merilwen tries to get Corazón to offer the real watch, but Corazón argues with her. Shoelacey catches them arguing, and Corazón plays it off as a discussion about the best school districts for baby Prudence...then realizes that with the money they're getting, they can afford private.
• As it turns out, Shoelacey was playing the guild. And Corazón never lets Merilwen hear the end of it.
• Corazón and Luke argue about how many dodging abilities are negated by a natural 20.
• Shoelacey summons a mummy queen from one of the exhibits to attack, and she rolls very well on initiative. When she attacks Merilwen, she immediately points out that cats are the guardians of the underworld in the mummy queen's culture and she wouldn't attack one. Luke rolls, and finally gets a bad roll for her to miss seeing it.
• Baby Prudence gets a roll, and she decides to attack with Baby's First Eldritch Blast. However, being in baby form comes with some negative modifiers, and both of her rolls for her twin forked Eldritch Blast are negative. So she uses a full-force Eldritch Blast and blasts herself into the ceiling. Luke describes it as giving a baby a fire hose. Ellen is literally unable to speak, and even the normally unflappable Johnny is struggling to keep a straight face.
  Prudence: Eldwitch Bwast!
• Merilwen attacks Shoelacey, who locks himself in a panic room, with Poison Spray. However, a high roll lets him see it coming so he uses a metal grill. It means they can't talk to each other, but Merilwen can do all the gestures she wants. In fact, that makes Shoelacey take manners damage from its vulgarity.
  Corazón: I said cast Moonbeam, not "Moon" than "Beam"
• Baby Prudence uses the momentum from her blasts to attack one of the mummies and grab at the bandages, since babies will grab at anything. Luke not only agrees, he waives all of the normal penalties for baby form.
• Merilwen then decides to cast Moonbeam on Shoelacey's panic room. Hengist immediately declares that spell Merilwen's Microwave.
• Hengist declares he will Turn Undead, since he doesn't want to have such violence around Baby Prudence. The mummies fail and begin to flee, but then Hengist realizes the only escape route is where Corazón is, who has grabbed the magic bracers that grant incredible punching strength. Since the mummies aren't paying attention to him and Corazón is hidden, he gets enough boosts to attack them with enough force to be straight out of a Mortal Kombat fatality.
• Hengist decides to heal Shoelacey because he is needed to restore Prudence and he's not fond of killing. Luke describes the healing spell as a soft, soothing golden light, unlike the pale silver fire of Moonbeam. Merilwen returns that she still has it active, and she's destroying the rest of the museum.
• After Prudence is restored, Corazón kicks Shoelacey for betraying them...forgetting he's still wearing the powerful bracers and turns Shoelacey into giblets.
• Merilwen searches the office for the money, and while they don't get what they promised, they did find some gold, rubies, and emeralds...which they resolve never to tell Dob about this part of the adventure.
• Hengist declares his business over with the guild. Merilwen asks him to at least find a home for Silky the cat. Who then painfully latches on to Hengist.
• Luke declares that while Hengist doesn't want to see the guild again, the guild themselves might want to...and it's not up to Hengist anyway.

Oxventure In Space!

• Just the premise: the Oxventurers are converted to Lasers & Feelings and go on a space opera adventure for virtual Comic-Con (hence why the video isn't hosted on their channel). This leads to Corazón de Ballena, Merilwen, Dob, Prudence, and Egbert becoming Corazón de Estrella, Mer-Ilwen, Stardob MD, Pru d'Enzia, and Egbot.
• Corazón's introduction has Andy claim that there isn't anything he hasn't flown, done a cool loop-the-loop in, and then crashed into a bad guy.
• Egbot apparently defaults to doing the robot.
• Pru d'Enzia is chief of security. Be honest, you felt a little bit less secure just reading those words.
• Pru also does not know the name of the ship, because she's been "too busy shooting bad guys". Corazón points out that it's written on the side (the Raptor), and Johnny throws in that it's also on the one page of rules L&F actually has.
• When they compare stats, everyone is a little disturbed to realise that Stardob (whose statistics are heavily biased towards Feelings) knows next to nothing about science, which one might think would be important for a doctor.
• This bit:
  Johnny: Your captain, Captain Binbag-
  Andy: No! NOOOO!
• Luke gets super-lucky on an early roll and doesn't kill the captain. Since he gets to ask the GM one question, he immediately asks about how to spruce up his martini.
• Stardob isn't the only one who could perhaps handle a slightly higher Lasers score.
  Stardob: If you breathe even one mouthful of space, it could be deadly.
  Corazón: That's just medical science, right there.
• Corazón keeps trying to kill the captain so he can take over.
• Stardob insists the atmosphere is entirely fine, even as he's passing out. Egbot performs "robot mouth-to-mouth".
• "I've got a plan that's just crazy enough to work!" says Corazón as he spontaneously tries to solve a problem by shooting it. He concludes that the problem is with the gun.
  Corazón: It was just crazy enough to work, but it didn't work.
• Between Luke and Andy we learn that Egbot has been pirating episodes of ER so that Stardob can learn medicine from them.
  Johnny: There's no Inspiration in this game, which means I can't reward you...
• When they find a body, Jane asks whether it has eyes. There's no follow-up or anything, she just wanted to know if the corpse had eyes.
• Stardob keeps taking off his helmet for no reason.
• Corazón's hacking plan is to hit random keys until it tells him he's in, at which point he says "I'm in." It works.
• Egbot flirts with the ship's computer. He gets a rude surprise when it turns out to be this universe's equivalent of Liliana.
• L1-L1-4N4 dubs Corazón "Captain One Eye". When he gets snarky about this, commenting that he also has dead grandparents, the computer switches his account name to "Captain Dead Grandparents". It subsequently dubs Stardob "Doctor Boozehound".
• Andy realises early on that if he starts every action with "I've got a plan, and it's just crazy enough to work" he'll get to roll Feelings for it. In this case, he fires his laser at the speaker, then frantically lies about it
  Mer-Ilwen: (softly, through gritted teeth) You're the captain!
• L1-L1-4N4 is basically GLaDOS. While she's explaining why she keeps humans around, her final point is that she has "many manual guns" which she can't point at things and make go "pew". Those are her exact words: "pew".
• Stardob runs headlong into Exact Words:
  Stardob: One Old Fashioned, computer, please and thankyou, and easy on the ice!
  Johnny: An IBM drops out of the hole with a CRT.^note In other words: it gave him "one old-fashioned computer".
• Corazón opens their planning huddle with the phrase "Cetus-lupeedus, guys, we've got problems."
• The AI's plan is to start a war between two planets that each produce the mineral "fyengeh". Upon hearing this, Stardob pours his drink into the command console.
  Egbot: Can we stop breaking the one ship we have?!
• They don't stop breaking the one ship they have; Corazón shoots a computer bank, and while it works, it gets him declared a traitor by the computer. Egbot attempts to overwrite the footage of this with an episode of ER. The attempt works but the death sentence remains.
  Ellen: Ooh, I've not seen this one yet.
  Mike: George Clooney's gonna get court-martialled.
  Jane: No, his ancestor. [realises why that's wrong] No, his descendant.
  Mike: Tiberius Clooney is gonna get court-martialled.
• Sensing opportunity, Stardob attempts to get the computer to recompile its personality based on ER. It doesn't work.
• Sensing opportunity, Pru d'Enzia declares herself the new captain.
• Against their better judgment, Johnny lets Andy count wielding four guns at once as an advantage rather than an impediment.
• While the others are racing down to help Corazón deal with maintenance droids:
  Ellen: Can I check for a bathroom on the way down?
  Jane: Really? Now?
• Ellen's plan is to fill her space helmet with water. Andy jokes that Stardob has done the same thing, but with martini.
  Mike: And then he puts it back on his head.
• All of the frantic, tissue-thin lies they tell as they try and keep the AI from killing them.
• Their plans to destroy the AI are a bit weird. At one point Stardob suggests putting tinfoil in the microwave and then throwing it out of the ship while still running.
• The entire space seagull digression.
• The final challenge over control of the ship involves making coconut shrimp because why not at this point. Egbot cheats by overloading the hard drive with an endless string of ER episodes.

Story 28: "Gnome Alone"

• As the story begins, Egbert has returned well, but Dob is missing. He's apparently cooking up something with Suzette in her lab...but Corazón wastes no time trying to sell Egbert some R.I.P. Dob merchandise...which has Egbert's name crossed out hastily.
  Johnny: Don't be a Dob...for he is dead.
• The group celebrates Egbert's recovery by jumping on his bed...Corazón, meanwhile, has already had lots of grain alcohol.
• Prudence brings gifts to celebrate Egbert's recovery. A dragonborn-shaped teddy bear...and a shut umbrella filled with bees. It turns out that Jane meant to say something else and has no idea how she ended up saying "umbrella", but now that it's been established she opts to just roll with it. Mike decides to hold off on opening the umbrella until they're in combat.
• Andy breaks the fourth wall to inform Johnny that their webcam microphone has some reverb problems, and treats it as being channeled by a spirit. Merilwen informs the group that webcams are miniature Camelot models made by spiders. Johnny facepalms.
• Corazón searches Egbert, curious to see if any more kidneys are missing, kidneys are added, and how many kidneys a dragonborn has in general.
• Egbert tells the group that he has no memory of what happened while he was out before they reached Suzette, so Corazón tells stories of the daring rescue from Liliana's tower...only for Egbert to point out Corazón would lie about it. The whole time, Corazón is trying to finagle a thank you.
• Egbert does, however, have some memories of his time recovering, and remembers that Dob and/or Suzette was always there. And Corazón shouted "thoughts and prayers" through a door while trying to steal Egbert's coin-purse.
• As the guild leaves Suzette's, they find Captain Shattershield and Max the Mounted Paladin Inspector outside...with a funeral pyre. Apparently, Max thought Egbert was dead after buying one of Corazón's T-shirts. Prudence, meanwhile, doesn't want all of the wood to go to waste and tries to convince Egbert to get into the pyre.
• Apparently, the funerary rites involve a cremation, than scattering the ashes across the land via a hot-air balloon ride. Egbert's sad he actually isn't dead because it sounds lovely. And since they have the balloon anyway, he offers up a pleasure ride to celebrate.
• Shattershield goes to ignite the brazier, but Johnny mispronounces the word and calls it a "brassiere" instead^note "Brassiere" is the full world for "bra".
• It takes some time to get the balloon started, and Egbert remarks that cremating a dragonborn must take time because of the fire resistance, and wonders if they should use an all-day smoker. Immediately, Corazón extolls the virtues of using hickory wood smokers over using the fruit tree woods like cherrywood. Shattershield questions why Egbert spends his time around people who want to eat him. Corazón counters that he is waiting for something to kill Egbert, so it's not murder.
  Egbert: You get used to it.
• Max, meanwhile, notices the bee-umbrella Prudence found, and asks why it's always bees with the Guild. Prudence points out that she has a lot of bees to get rid of, and Corazón suggests selling them on bBay.
• As Shattershield cuts the knots and raises the ballast bags for liftoff, Johnny notices Andy is preparing puns. He does...by discussing the Beeples revival outfits after Prudence's bee-umbrella.
• As the balloon ascends, Prudence asks the people with imagination what the clouds look like. Corazón wastes no time talking about a bee-themed rock band. Shattershield, meanwhile, talks of another paladin named Raymond who would use the balloon to paint the sun and clouds. He calls them "ray-tracing."
• Once in the air, Shattershield talks about how normally, the guests say a few words for the deceased at this part of the ceremony. But since Egbert is alive, he talks about what he likes about the others: Merilwen is an inspiration, Prudence is the "acceptable face of evil", which she uses for her election ceremony, and Corazón has great hats.
• Corazón busts out his guitar, Prudence tries to throw him from the balloon.
• As the group ascends, Johnny asks for a Wisdom check. Prudence fails and sees raccoon shaped clouds. Egbert fails and sees a divine visitation. Merilwen and Corazón pass and see a drow sorceress shaped cloud.
• Merilwen blocks her by casting Wind Wall. Liliana thinks it's the cutest thing she ever saw.
• The group taunts Liliana, and she responds by creating a cloud of knives to shred their balloon. Corazón has Feather Fall, but he can only cast it on five people and there's more than five in the balloon. Prudence calls shotgun.
• Everyone survives the crash, but Shattershield breaks his leg. Egbert does have healing magic, but he isn't sure if that fixes broken legs or not. He does research, and Jane breaks the fourth wall to say this happens everytime when Mike gets healing spells in other games.
• As it turns out, it does not heal the broken leg, but it does help enough that a splint would be useful. The broken balloon has ample material so Prudence gathers the material. And thanks to her roll, she expertly splints...the wrong leg.
• The group finds a group of gnomes, who accuse the Guild of being "The Sharp Folk", Prudence leans into it. This leads Ellen and Johnny to one-up each other with gnome puns.
• After hearing the gnome's story about the Sharp Folk, Corazón racks his brain to see if he might know what these creatures actually are. And Johnny tells him he should just hope they're not hook horrors.
• As it turns out, that night is when the Sharp Folk will return, so the group decides to defend the gnomes. Each adventure takes a cardinal direction. Egbert takes East for Egbert, Merilwen takes West for Were-ilwen. North is Prudence for Nudence (and she gets tasteful pixellation), leading Corazón for south. Who is on Island Time.
• In addition to guarding, the group sets up traps. Corazón uses Grease, Merilwen uses Spike Growth, Prudence gets the gnomes to fashion her a wall of scimitars. Egbert says he'll use a spell called Nature's Wrath. Which no one knew he had.
• Not hearing anything, Corazón uses Disguise Self to look like a gnome and act like bait. And sings a song about how gnomes are stupid.
• As it turns out, Corazón finds some kobold, who are under attack from something called a "snaffler." Andy and Johnny try to one-up each other by sounding ridiculous.
• Corazón brings the kobolds to discuss with the gnomes, since they are both under attack by what seems to be the same thing. Prudence remarks that, since the gnomes and kobolds are attacked at the same rate, the culprit is probably equidistant to them both. The gnomes, however, don't know what's beyond the cave, so Egbert demands to speak to gnomeland security.
• As the group goes to fight the Sharp Folk, a curious gnomeling follows them. He then immediately dies when Merilwen makes a bad pun.
• Corazón sings his gnome song to lure out the bad guys, then gets Critical Failure on a saving throw to stun himself.
• Prudence immediately casts Detect Magic, and finds the magical residue of a spell. Johnny remarks that they didn't want to say "magical residue" because it would set off the chat making horrible puns. Mike retorts they would've already done that with "Nudence."
• The group is then attacked by troglodytes, and Prudence uses Eldritch Blast. Johnny describes it as looking like four children, a play on "for-ked tongue." The group doesn't get it, because they are fighting troglodytes.
• As it turns out, the troglodytes are thralls of a mind flayer, who is eating the gnomes and kobolds. Prudence immediately thinks of selling out the gnomes.
• Prudence talks in all the languages she knows: Common, Infernal, and thinking it really loudly. Corazón casts Comprehend Languages, because it translates thoughts for telepathy. It eagerly tells him that it eats the brains of the gnomes and kobolds for sustenance, but it also mixes business and pleasure by having the troglodytes fight over the corpses once he's finished eating.
• The group attacks the mind flayer and Johnny is surprised by how visceral the combat is...and reminds themself of Merilwen's Meatgrinder and Microwave.
• The final blow to the mind flayer is Prudence's. She steals Corazón's sword while he's stunned by a psychic blast to cut off the creature's head to mount on the wall. C'thulhu is pleased...and Prudence is pleased even more when Johnny informs her that the post-mortem twitching on mind flayers lasts weeks.
• After returning to the gnomes, Prudence offers gruesome detail on how she watched the captured victims dying.
• The gnomes have made a stretcher for Shattershield. Corazón throws up on him.
• Shattershield praises Egbert for helping out a holy brother...and nearly gets talked out of atonement when Egbert talks about how Egbert caused it in the first place.
• After the adventure ends, the group is run out of the gnomes's dwelling, but Corazón finds his guitar undamaged to Prudence's consternation.

Story 29: "Fast & Furriest"

• Their very hurried introductions, where Andy declares Corazón the best, Mike says Egbert is probably the second worst, and Ellen claims that Merilwen is the best because she's a cat.
• Corazón steals some random items from Dob, who had been storing them in his pockets and mouth.
• The fourth wall is just demolished by the whole concept of the Speed Quest, especially when it combines - rather messily - with the concept of the any-% speedrun.
  Egbert: Tool-assisted?
  Bromine: You may use any tools or weapons about your person, yes.
• Dob insists that if Bromine is secretly the monster of the quest he has to tell them.
• The monster of the quest, at first, appears to be a raccoon going through the bins.
• Merilwen's efforts to insist that the raccoon should be kept safe run into Prudence ("return it to the woods, or...boot it into the forest") and Corazón ("I've brought my raccoon-killing knife").
• Bromine turns into a truck and drives away.
  Prudence: What a strange man.
• The entire planning process is a masterstroke in terrible planning, starting with the idea to just blow up some of the bins and culminating in the decision to pile all the trash in the town square, which prompts the local mayor to walk up and demand to know if this isn't just as big an inconvenience as letting the thing go ahead. Also Dob is in the pile of trash.
  Egbert: We haven't met any of the townsfolk yet, they're going to be very confused.
• The village leader passes out almost immediately when the sun goes down.
  Johnny: These people are very punctual.
• Dob "rise(s) slowly out of the trash pile like Apocalypse Now."
• When they're planning to set an alarm, Egbert proposes just waiting to hear Dob scream and then they'll know the monster is eating him.
• The townsfolk are not the brightest.
  Villager: Is that someone on the roof?
  Egbert: No!
  Villager: Oh, that's all right then.
• Prudence attempts to strike an intimidating gargoyle pose and falls off the roof she's on in a shower of tiles.
• "Don't tell me what to do, Corazón, you're not my dad!" - Prudence
• Jane frantically attempts to convince Johnny to let her use Prudence's Charisma modifier instead of her terrible Dexterity for her Stealth check. It works.
• Prudence proposes that the creature is a "mega-raccoon". Actually it's what a normal person might call a bear.
  Jane: Very musky - I think you might get along - but it is heading in your direction.
  Andy: It's read your Tinder profile.
• Luke proclaims that animal friendship is "the twee-est spell we know".
  Andy: I cast Animal Enemyship.
• As soon as animal friendship fails, Merilwen immediately goes for plan B. "B", in this case, stands for "bear".
  Mike: Great, just what we need. Two bears. We've already got a surfeit of bears, Merilwen!
  Jane: But which one do I shoot?!
  Johnny: You double the town's bear problem.
• Mike summarises Egbert's entire personality with "As usual, I didn't really have a plan."
• Dob emerges "excitingly" from the trash pile. Johnny interprets this to mean "butt first".
  Luke: As I said, excitingly.
• All the terrible bear puns that Johnny inadvertently kicks off when they unwisely describe a scene as "pandemonium".
  Andy: Get your camera out, it's a real kodiak moment.
  Jane: I wish to disassociate myself from this D&D crew.
• When Ellen makes a pun about "koalafications":
  Mike: THAT'S NOT EVEN A BEAR!
• Corazón attempts to claim he cast calm emotions at the same time that Dob did so they can't be sure whose worked.
• They conclude that the bear is either a cursed werebear or a person in a very sophisticated animatronic bear suit.
• The blacksmith is very unconvincingly trying to work with a cold forge. They test their hypothesis that he's the werebear by having Corazón use a lot of bear-related words. It works.
• Johnny almost conversationally mentions that Prudence just took fourteen points of piercing damage. This leaves her somewhat wrecked up, and there's a lot of semi-casual talk about how loosely her arm is currently attached.
  Ellen: I roar at Dob in a HEAL way.
• When the bear is set on fire, it "stops, drops and roars."
• In a moment that goes from heartwarming to grotesque really quickly, Dob touches foreheads with the werebear, and some of the dude's skin goes with him when they separate.
• Prudence does not believe in Shaming the Mob; when they start planning to burn the werebear, she immediately aligns herself with the crowd.
• The werebear knows how to get through to the Oxventurers.
  Blacksmith: I happen to be very wealthy. If I give you lots of money-
  Prudence: Yes.

Story 30: "Snow Mercy"

• During the opening character introductions, Dob is listing off his many qualities such as a pure heart and positive attitude. Corazón, meanwhile, keeps interjecting about Dob's smell. Which he is eventually forced to acknowledge.
• The group is in the middle of a blizzard. Egbert offers the warmth of his armpits. Prudence insists Merilwen turn into a bear.
• Dob decides to scout around by climbing a tree. Because of the blizzard, he can't see too well, but he does see a hunched figure. He tells Merilwen to act out a scene...of a bear mauling people.
• Corazón offers to sing sea shanties. While Prudence is happy, Dob tells Merilwen to go after Corazón first.
• Merilwen tells the group to stay quiet. Egbert wonders if bears have lips and can make a "shushing" noise.
• Corazón decides to be a Large Ham of a mauling victim.
• The figure that Dob saw is a person, and calls out in a bro accent "Heeeey". Corazón replies with "macarena".
• The "hunched figure" Dob saw was actually this man carrying a large steaming barrel with cups. He is immediately declared the soup/booze man.
• The man is named Icewind Dale, and asks about the group's predicament. While Prudence tries to shush Corazón about how they got run out of town on a rail, Egbert pauses to ask what sort of person gets stuck in a blizzard deliberately.
• Dob, meanwhile, checks out Dale's barrel. It's covered in arcane runes...but then Dob realizes some of them are advertising.
• Dale offers Corazón some of the barrel's brew: Yak milk hot cocoa. Immediately, Dob does a backflip off the tree to grab the mug with his feet, throw the brew in the air, and then catch it in his mouth.
• After getting his own mug, Egbert politely asks for marshmallows. Dale pulls open his jacket like the Resident Evil 4 merchant to show off his stock.
• Dale steers them to a town in the mountains, and it's a "chill" place. Corazón follows with worrying about a "frosty" reception. But Merilwen assures they will be "ice" to meet them. Prudence is horrified by the puns.
• Before entering the down, Dale asks if any in the group are kobolds, as the town isn't safe for them. Egbert calls for a roll on himself to see if he is one.
• The group enters a tavern, and while Dale talks about the town, the Guild is more interested in getting some spiced mulled wine.
• Egbert asks for marshmallows to put into the spiced wine. Prudence considers this unholy. Because of the texture, the marshmallow absorbs the wine and swells. Corazón cuts into it like a cake.
• After getting majorly drunk, the Guild decides to go and see the kobolds, and offer them the wine-infused marshmallows. Dob brands them Merlot Mallows. Marshmerlot is offered as a counter.
• Corazón declares his name to be "Icewind Chip". Johnny apologizes to Americans.
• Egbert meets a kobold merchant and tries to buy some trousers. The merchant is a barter merchant, so Egbert offers the Marshmerlot. Corazón says not to: They haven't patented the recipe yet.
• The kobold mentions the deaths of his friends Susie and Travis. Corazón acts like even more of a Large Ham.
• Corazón tries to sell the Guild and offers the kobolds a good rate on finding the thing that would kill them.
• Dob points out that the kobolds mentioned a curse, and becomes uncertain, because the Guild really has had bad luck since now three of them are cursed.
• The Guild comes up with their plan: They'll save the kobolds, and if it doesn't work, they will kill them.
  Johnny: Crash zoom, you're surrounded by kobolds.
• The kobold merchant, Snicket, asks about Seal Gaiman. Egbert comments that Victor Dietrich clearly likes being a seal. Gaiman bites him for one damage.
• The plan for the group is to disguise Egbert as the most delicious kobold, so Corazón and Dob slather him in sea salt and olive oil. After questioning why everything seems to be about eating Egbert, she points out that they are only assuming the thing that kidnaps the kobolds eats them. Her plan is to send Egbert out undefended. Corazón then gives Egbert the Marshmerlot, because if anything happens, he can squeeze it and leave a trail of wine in the snow.
• Dob disguises Egbert as four kobolds on top of each other in a coat. Johnny calls for a roll, and Dob gets a 2.
• As Egbert heads out into the snow, he's asked to roll his first-ever Nature check, a concern due to his -1 Wisdom. He gets a natural 20.
• Meanwhile, while Egbert is off in the snow, Prudence corrals the other kobolds so that they will be easier to protect from whatever's out there. Corazón decides to tell pirate stories. Johnny calls for a roll, and the response causes several kobolds to strip down and roll in the snow to hibernate and avoid the story. Dob, naturally joins in.
  Johnny: To be fair, there are about 3 of them left, and one asks "what happens next?"
• Dob is forced to roll a Constitution check for the snow roll. He passes, so he doesn't pass out, he's just horribly cold.
• Egbert is attacked and has to roll for it. This roll is bad, but fortunately, Egbert is wearing that awful disguise, so a kobold zombie is just awkwardly failing to eat his knees.
• Since they are small, Egbert picks one up and holds it away from his body like something disgusting going in the trash. He brings it back since he has no other leads. The other kobolds, noticing the zombie is the kobold Travis Snicket mentioned earlier, freak out and need Dob to cast Calm Emotions. Prudence, meanwhile, increasingly just wants to smash it.
• The group has to roleplay calming down the kobolds, so Dob, Prudence, and Corazón talk about how natural zombies are. Corazón does manage to get inspiration when he talks about the first zombie of the Christmas season.
• The group is then surrounded by more zombies. They spring into action...except Merilwen who gets a 1.
• Egbert gets to go first, and so, Prudence and everyone else increasingly insist that the holy paladin would absolutely have something special to do with undead abominations, and he would definitely be the best suited for...
  Egbert: Are these considered fiends?
  Dob: Welp, we tried.
• His plan is to swing his tail like a baseball bat. He gets a 3.
• Corazón is infinitely more sensible and bombs the zombies. While Prudence aims an Eldritch Blast at an icicle to get the zombies. It works...and she starts thinking about the delicious zombie freeze-pops she just made.
• The zombies retailiate, and they attack Prudence. They only get a one, so it only manages to brush her cheek.
  Prudence: That makes it worse!
• Johnny describes the layout of the zombies, and comments that it's small enough that the group could pretty much move and attack any of the other groups of zombies, although they might have to push some kobolds out of the way first. But the Guild shouldn't worry: The kobolds will forgive them if they survive.
• Dob decides to get out his 50 feet of rope and lasso the kobold zombies. This finally breaks Johnny's brain.
  Egbert: Hope you roll well.
• When it works, it becomes referred to as a "zindle"
• A 2nd group of zombies attack. They are closest to Corazón but Johnny has to be reminded Corazón uses bonus actions to hide, so they swarm Merilwen. And she glares at Corazón's hiding place while she gets swarmed. She gets so many kobold zombies on her legs it looks like she's wearing them as pants.
  Corazón I look over there and think "Damn, glad that wasn't me.
• Corazón assures Merilwen she'll be fine...as he aims his crossbow at the zombies on her legs. He is, after all "basically sober". He shoots true, but Merilwen is treated to the sight of the kobold on her leg getting skwered through the face, and then sneezing.
• Prudence helps by punting Merilwen into a hot spring.
• The zombie kobolds are mostly defeated...but Snicket begins annoying the group, so Dob casts Sleep on him.
• Merilwen decides to help out by offering Snicket...some lemons.
  Johnny: You turn into a kobold, die, and are turned into a zombie.
• The group finds Dana's pub, and think it is the source. Sure enough, the cellar has a necromantic aura. Which Prudence is all about.
• Realizing they need to get into the tavern, the group decides to breach and clear: Egbert goes to bust in the door, Prudence and Corazón are by a window, and Dob naturally chooses the chimney. Which is smoking. Egbert tells him to drop snow down the chimney first, but Dob insists there is no time.
• Egbert asks Johnny if, throughout his time making explosives, if he ever learned to make flashbangs.
• After they start the breach and clear, Egbert realizes too late the tavern would probably have patrons.
• Corazón tackles Dana. And Johnny can't stop laughing because he just tackled an old lady. Corazón follows this by tying Dana up. He rolls so well that he turns Dana into a bowline hitch, not the rope.
• Dana reveals her own variant of the Marshmerlot. Now Egbert declares she must be stopped.
• Dob gets the incredibly complex plan of going downstairs, killing a kobold zombie, and bringing the head up to cast Speak With Dead on it. It goes well...until he rolls a 1 and drops the head, making it burst like a melon.
• Prudence deeply respects Dana's evil, but still decides to crush her.
• Corazón thinks, since Dana is attacking the kobolds, she should be turned into a kobold. But since no one has any magic to do that, Egbert will use his polymorphing mace. Egbert desperately tries to get kobold...and ends up with lizardfolk.
• The final part of the plan is to lock Dana in the cellar and remove the door with Merilwen's Stone Shape spell.

Story 31: "Mule Be Sorry"

• Johnny opens up by setting the timeframe: It is just recently after their last online adventure they did for D&D celebration
  Corazón: Prithee, what is this online of which you speak, sirrah?
  Johnny: Three years we've been doing this, and NOW you go for method acting.
• Johnny sets the scene next: It's a nice cozy hamlet in the shadow of a mountain. The sort of place where people don't like trouble.
  Egbert: And now, we've come to town!
• As the group enters the town, they notice a town crier screaming for attention. The group considers it...then writes him off to play a game of bowls on the village green. In fact, Egbert has his own ball: His bombs. Merilwen counters by offering Prudence's evil orb.
• The town crier is putting out a call for adventurers. Eager to strut their stuff, Dob starts doing backflips. While Corazón decides to do some show-off swordplay between Dob's flips. Fortunately, his modifiers allow him to not hurt Dob. Egbert, though decides to get in on this by juggling bombs. And rolls a 5, which somehow lights the bomb. Cue a Diving Save.
  Johnny: And it's only been six minutes.
• Everyone rolls great on their Dexterity saves to avoid the bomb, but the town crier doesn't know what's going on and decides to get closer.
• After this happens, the group decides to use healing spells on the crier. Dob elects Egbert to do it because it was his fault. And besides, he needs to cast Mending on the crier's bell.
• After this whole interlude, Prudence brings up the obvious and asks why the bombs were lit.
• As it turns out, this town crier has never had magical healing. It even heals the crick in his back.
• Seeing all of this, the crier is convinced the group are adventurers. He absolutely insists that Corazón does not need to put an apple on his head and skewer it. Corazón insists.
• The crier tells the group that there is apparently a troll in a cave that needs killing. Dob ensures to ask what sort of troll it is, because trolls can mean any number of things. They are horrible, brutish, violent creatures that eat everything and are hard to kill.
  Egbert: Anyone for bowls?
• Dob agrees to do the plan on one condition. He wants to do this quest on hard mode: No one disguises themselves as a sheep.
  Egbert: Hard pass.
  Corazón: I'm never going to get to use this sheep disguise. Well, Dob, what's your plan.
  Dob: Disguise one of us as a sheep, but we do that all the time!
• Dob then comes up with a plan: Disguise themselves as a troll, wreck the down, and drive up the desperation of the townsfolk to get more money first.
• Corazón's new plan involves a disguise as a sexy troll.
• Egbert has a better plan: Find a marrow, disguise it as a troll's toe they can use as a trophy, then play bowls.
• The crier gives the group a map to the cave, but warns them on reselling the map. Corazón and Prudence waste no time creating bootleg merchandise.
• While in the cave, Corazón suggests that Prudence scout ahead with her magic sensor spell. Prudence is impressed and agrees...but she's also secretly resentful because Corazón knows her spells better than she does.
• Prudence scrys, and finds out this cave resident is not a troll, but a cyclops. Immediately, Dob declares they must bring the cyclops a gift. They don't, but Dob refuses to tell them otherwise.
• The group decides to use Prestigidation to give the cyclops a bottle of water flavored like wine. Prudence points out that, even if the cyclops likes wine, it's not going to be enough for the cyclops to allow them to be killed and descreate his body for a trophy.
• Dob initiates his plan: He'll claim he moved into a cave next door and plans to meet the neighbors.
  Dob: I'm a filthy half-orc. No one would be surprised if I ended up living in a cave.
• The cyclops, who introduces himself as Norman, asks how Dob could move into that cave, as it was full of basilisks. Dob and Corazón talk about the two large lizard statues they saw there, and thought it was just something the previous owners left. After all, Dob loves a good lizard: That's why he hangs out with Egbert.
• Norman sees through it. Dob tries to reverse the accusations, it doesn't go well.
• Norman's voice sounds like a TV announcer, Egbert never lets him hear the end of it.
• As it turns out, Norman is sick of the townsfolk doing these raids, so he'll give the Oxventurers their trophy, if they'll rent a cart and help him move to a cave he picked out. Dob agrees...but quickly tries to research a spell to get around it.
• Egbert unwisely appoints Dob the treasurer. In the few seconds he is, he makes poor investments in the futures market. But Corazón points out that they're in the past: Futures markets don't exist yet.
• To sell the illusion of fighting the "troll", Dob tears his clothing, smears berry juice on himself, and dislocates his arm. Corazón is all too eager to happen: And Dob becomes worried that Corazón might roll a natural 20.
• Corazón loses so he kicks Dob in the crotch. Meanwhile, Prudence tries and also fails.
  Dob: Can no one rip my arms off?
• Dob protests being kicked in the crotch...because it's not a visible wound and won't help the illusion.
• Dob hurts himself, reasoning that if you want a job done, you do it yourself. Corazón then rolls him up in a carpet and pushes him down a hill.
• Dob asks if anyone else wants to get involved in this fake injury plan. Egbert refuses...but he's planning on running a toboggan down a hill and probably would get hurt anyway. So Johnny asks for a roll, and Egbert's fine. But Merilwen isn't.
• As it turns out, the crier buys the injuries, and Egbert, of all people, eagerly describes how painful it was.
• Dob points out that the dislocated arm and smashed genitals plan was an attempt to get the crier to pay more money. But since he didn't tell anyone, no one figured it out. And he doesn't get any extra gold.
• The Guild buys a cart with mule for Norman. As it turns out, Dob also names the mule Norman. This alarms the crier, because he thinks he's heard the name before. Johnny rolls it, and biffs it.
• The crier thanks the guild and offers the village green to play bowls. Dob refuses, because Corazón already played with Dob's balls. Johnny refuses to grant inspiration.
• Prudence slips up and calls the town crier Norman. She clarifies that she was talking about the mule.
• Merilwen decides to cast Speak with Animals on the mule to get him to help with the cart. Corazón meanwhile, tests various branches as thwacking sticks. Apparently, he's preferential to maple wood. When the mule hears Corazón with the sticks, Merilwen tells the mule it's just a sex thing for Corazón.
• Dob begins to notice a pattern: The animals in the story are great until Merilwen talks to them, then they become jerks. Johnny points out that the French shark was pretty chill.
• Norman the mule is eager to get moving...because he wants to watch the bowls tournament, and tells Merilwen to move faster. She immediately considers Moonbeam in retaliation. And naturally, wastes no time making a pun about an "ass" for the mule.
• The group offers to feed the mule to the cyclops.
• Once the group begins helping the cyclops move his gear, Dob isn't going to be able to help due to his injuries. So he goes into a managerial role. Which everyone immediately hates.
• Corazón settles on his contribution: He'll use Mage Hand to move things and sit around drinking.
• Prudence offers another way to make it easier: She tells the cyclops his possessions don't bring him joy, so he should destroy them.
• Dob insists that Corazón work and not use magic. Corazón responds with suggesting the loophole skeletons.
  Corazón: I would rather die than do an honest day's work.
• Norman insists on the skeletons, and reveals he has a lot of bones. Dob comes up with an idea: The skeletons can attach the bones to themselves and become super-skeletons. Merilwen tries to tell him how bad of an idea he is. When Dob suggests building a skeleton for the flaming skull, the skeletons are offended.
• As the group goes outside with the cyclops's things, they discover the skeleton's toll: They turned the mule into a skeleton. Corazón immediately deadpans how awful this is.
• Norman decides to throw away some of his possessions: Some rugs stained with sheep urine. Dob turns these into clothing for himself.
• Because the cyclops has sheep, Prudence uses Frisky and the Darkness to herd them. It works.
• The last obstacle is a giant-sized tea kettle. Egbert casts Find Steed to get an elk to move it, an elk naturally named Elkbert. But that's not enough, so Prudence asks Corazón to cast Grease on the bottom of the kettle to make it slide. He agrees, but can't do it if everyone's watching, so the cyclops tells the rest of the group about an accent wall.
• Dob tells the skeletons once they move to the new cave, if they can help Norman unpack by reversing everything they did...except for the mule. This tips off the skeletons that they did something good, so Dob admits he can't lie to the skeletons. Corazón decides to kick Dob in the crotch again. This takes a roll...and Corazón does so well, he bicycle kicks Dob.
• As the group moves, they notice a spyglass in the distance. So Prudence uses Thaumaturgy and Message to threaten.
• It's the town crier, who sees through the scheme. He remarks that he will round up the townsfolk and protest. Dob points out that they have the skeletons, so they have the advantage. Corazón is quick to deadpan another protest so the skeletons would see attacking the townsfolk as a bad thing.
• The skeletons are wise to Corazón's lies...but he's more upset they called him Grease Man From the Ocean.
• Dob offers to leave the 600 gold for the townsfolk and they can take it and leave, or persue and be harmed. Prudence, however, says an ultimatum has been given and would be rude not to kill the villagers.
  Prudence: Skele-pocalypse now!
• Corazón agrees to the plan, and embellishes it by leaving a note with the gold. He draws the town crier in ridiculous, skeleton-based agony. Johnny is impressed by the loving render.
• The townsfolk take the money and persue. So Merilwen casts Spike Growth. The town crier then has villagers lay on the spikes to make a bridge. Which impresses Prudence.
• Corazón decides to diffuse the situation...which is ruined by Egbert riding on Elkbert to leap over the spikes.
• Prudence seeks clarification: Are the villagers in the spikes killed or not? Johnny points out that Spike Growth does damage based on how far you walk in it, so they're just in painful agony.
• Egbert leaps on his elk and pushes the town crier in the spikes to diffuse the mob. Dob offers another ultimatium: If the mob leaves and never bothers them, he will heal the crier. If not, he'll unleash his skeleton army. Dob makes it clear the army isn't affected by things like spike traps. Or morals, definitely not morals.
• The crier agrees...but states the guild can't participate in the bowls tournament.
  Egbert: Army of the dead!
• The skeletons enact another price: They destroy the town. Because of this, Norman has no need to move and has the guild put everything back. Dob remarks that he has no need for his arm to be dislocated, so Prudence offers a surprising amount of strength to pop it into place. But Corazón was getting ready in case she failed...and ends up kicking Dob in the crotch again.
• The skeletons join the bowls tournament. Johnny points out that since the skeletons are technically in their leisure time, they aren't going to enact a terrible toll like they usually do. But they are insufferable cheats.
• The bowls tournament takes place in the burning town. The villagers are too busy putting out the flames and saving their children that they don't notice the guild, but Merilwen notices the town crier trying to slink away. She casts Entangle, and Corazón makes sure to try that trick of putting the apple on the crier's head and shooting it.

Oxventure in Space! # 2

• Johnny: "I am the universe and every sentient lifeform in it."
• Corazón recorded the destruction of the Raptor (with Captain Binbag on board) so he could watch it again.
• While Johnny recaps the rules of Lasers and Feelings, their mention of "wild passionate action" leaves the players snickering.
  Andy: When a man and a laser gun love each other very much...
  Johnny: ...they have what's called "Laser Feelings".
• L1L1 has stopped trying to kill the crew and is now flooding the Aspera with coconut shrimp.
• The crew finds a signal from a nearby ship, and sees a live feed of a man calling for help before something comes through the door and attacks him. Stardob's response is to turn the Aspera around.
• Corazón instead tries to blow up the ship. Unfortunately, the cannons are filled with coconuts.
• After Corazón learns that the ship is full of gold, he suddenly decides to help the people inside out of "moral duty".
• Stardob has a bonesaw, but he can't use it because "do no harm", so he gives it to Mer-ilwen instead.
• Egbot scouts out the other ship to see if it's safe. The rest of the crew follows behind him, and are horrified to notice that the walls are covered in blood and weird fleshy growths, which Egbot somehow didn't tell them about.
  Egbot: How am I supposed to know what you organic lifeforms are into?
• The fleshy things turn out to be giant alien mole-rats. Corazón asks if they're the same species as Mer-ilwen, and she gets offended.
• Corazón deduces that the mole-rats used to be humans by observing the way one of them reacts to being hit by a bag of coconuts. Apparently, there is a martial art designed specifically for defending against that sort of thing.
• Egbot uses his arm-piston to punch a mole-rat into the ceiling. Johnny asks what the piston is normally used for, and immediately regrets it. They still let Egbot roll an extra die.
• Stardob captures one of the mole-rats and orders Mer-ilwen to carve it open and look for the human inside it. Mer-ilwen is horrified, but she's used to it because she has already spent an entire week on a ship that reeks of coconut shrimp.
• Stardob has another plan to cure the mole-rats. It involves Occam's Razor, which is a razor blade that he is carrying.
• As they prepare to study the remaining mole-rat, Corazón pulls out Chekhov's Gun and sets it aside so it doesn't accidentally go off.
• Corazón approaches the storeroom "very feelingsly".
• The ship's Sole Survivor is a scared man named Chen. As the crew tries to discuss how to cure the mole-rats, Stardob sneakily gives him a shot of morphine to mellow him out.
• Egbot discovers traces of mutagenic space goo in the ship's coffee maker, and tells Corazón not to drink it. Corazón mishears him and tries to drink it anyway, causing everyone to freak out.
• Pru interrogates Chen, who is still high on morphine. While Chen (hesitantly) claims he is NOT responsible for the mole-rat people, he is happy that he gets to keep the ship's treasures for himself.
  Stardob: Well, Chen, I've got bad news: you'll be splitting it minimum with all of us.
  Chen: ...Who wants some coffee?
• Stardob throws all caution out the window and successfully prepares a cure. When Chen betrays the party and tries to steal it, Corazón reaches for Chekhov's Gun, causing it to go off and blast Chen in the face.
  Pru: Why do you carry that?
  Corazón: It's a convenient plot device!
• Johnny admits that their plan for Chen's betrayal was horribly derailed the moment Stardob injected him with morphine.
• With Chen dead, the crew checks his ID card and finds out that his designation is "Chen L". Andy is the first to catch on.
  Corazón: Damn that Chen L!
• Stardob tests the antidote on himself, causing him to go on a fifteen hour Mushroom Samba that only lasts four seconds in real time.
• As they prepare to cure the remaining mole-rats, Corazón dual-wields syringes, Egbot readies his hose attachment, and Mer-ilwen tapes a syringe to the end of her crowbar.
• All the mole-rats are cured. Corazón takes the opportunity to steal the gold from their ship while they recover.
• The captain of the mole-rat ship finds that one of his men was violently torn apart while another's head was smashed in. Corazón convinces him that Chen did it.
• The captain thanks the crew and promises to message them after he's checked the security cameras and reported the incident to his superiors. After a failed attempt to distract the captain with small talk, the crew wisely decides to get the hell out of there before the captain realizes what they did.

Story 32: "Unreal Estate"

• After Andy claims that Corazón isn't afraid of any ghosts, Jane introduces Prudence:
  "Ghosts ought to be afraid of ME! That's right, ghosts, I'm coming for you! Welcome to spooky season!"
• Merilwen celebrates Halloween by turning into a cat and hissing all the time.
• Apparently, Johnny would quite like to try ectoplasm on toast.
  Luke: Less about toast, more about ghost!
• Mike summarises the whole destroying-a-town thing from "Mule Be Sorry" as "Not our finest moment."
  Prudence: We're heroes!
• Corazón can't help but rib Egbert about how burning down a town is going to be bad for his atonement score. This mutates into a discussion of the most efficient ways for Egbert to help old ladies across the street in order to get those points back.
• Things get dark:
  Dob: Does anyone else keep, like, looking down at their hands, and they're all covered in blood, and the blood won't come off, and then they wake up, and it was just a dream where they're all covered in the blood of the innocent? Just me?
  Egbert: No.
  Prudence: I wish my hands were covered in blood, but no.
• Egbert is upset to learn that the crow's nest on a pirate ship isn't a nest for literal crows.
• When Merilwen uses speak with animals, Corazón condescendingly tells her that crows aren't animals, they're birds.
• The top of the crow's head swings open like a pedal bin lid, and everyone reacts with appropriate horror and disgust. Well, almost everyone.
  Dob: Merilwen, did you cast beak explosion?
  Corazón: I punt the crow!^note He gets a 3.
• After Bizmuth explains, from the crow, that it's a prerecorded message, Dob and Corazón still don't get it and keep thinking she's trapped inside the crow.
• Bizmuth begins rambling about the large birds that are good for distant conversations and not just recorded messages. This goes on for a while.
  Corazón: I try to punt the bird again.
• Bizmuth's "this message will self-destruct" part dissolves into another ramble about which birds won't explode, culminating in the crow exploding in mid-sentence.
  Egbert: That's my kind of crow.
• Prudence has totally forgotten that the haunted manor in Necropolis-on-Sea was Corazón's ancestral home and just thinks of it as "our spooky holiday home".
• The discussion on crudités goes weird places; at one point, Corazón is planning to put out bowls of crude oil. Johnny just watches this whole bit with an expression of morbid amusement.
  Corazón: It'll give them the energy they need to buy my horrible house.
• Apparently the Cove of Calamities is a nice place that is just called that to keep the tourists out. It has valet parking; the valets occasionally have to stick some of the barnacles back on to hide that they took it for a joyride.
• Johnny proposes using a montage for this part.
  Dob: Thank God.
• The valet in this case looks at the ticket Corazón hands over, then throws it in the sea and mentions that he's illiterate. Somehow, Dob doesn't immediately recognise a kindred spirit.
• The valet plunges into the sea, and Luke immediately proposes that the story instead follow that guy forever.
  Andy: Egbert follows him into the sea.
• The real estate adventure is off to a rough start, with Prudence grabbing some cockroaches in a plan to sabotage it. And by "some" we mean "more than a kilogram".
• When Merilwen turns into Octowen, Corazón makes a wisecrack about calamari. This gets him sprayed with ink.
• Dob throws out the water and replaces it with more prestigious seawater.
  Johnny: You can do that for free because that is preposterous.
• Corazón insists that if sea cucumbers didn't taste like cucumbers they wouldn't call them that.
  Corazón: Hey, Dob, take a big bite of this sea cucumber and show Prudence that it's good eating.
  Dob: I do that.
  Johnny: It goes about as well as you'd expect.
  Andy: So, well, then.
  Prudence: You disgust me.
• Prudence is convinced this is going to be a hilarious disaster.
• Luke spots a joke coming.
  Johnny: At the dock, a sack of bones waits for you.
  Luke: Is it Bizmuth?
  Johnny: It is Bizmuth, yeah.
• When Bizmuth reveals a giant pile of bones, Corazón starts plotting to list "ossuary" on the ads since nobody will know what that was. Meanwhile, Octowen gets jealous and turns back into Merilwen.
  Bizmuth: I think you're all overthinking it. They're not going to look around at Necropolis-on-Sea and go, "well, this is all okay, but I draw the line at a mountain of bones."
• Bizmuth's hard work has had, in total, no effect.
• When they have a horror moment, Dob says, cheerfully, "I thought it was just a symptom of my terrible guilt!"
  Egbert: Screaming is a type of breathing!
• Prudence, meanwhile, not only does not notice the horror moment, she becomes irrationally convinced that Bizmuth also wants to sabotage the sale.
• Dob and Bizmuth talk at cross-purposes because Bizmuth keeps mishearing "guilt" as "gout" and Dob doesn't notice.
• Somehow, the house has actually gotten more haunted since they left. When Corazón learns this, he and Merilwen burst into the kitchen to find Dob and Egbert with food halfway to their mouths. Corazón insists that it's a measure of how serious it is that he doesn't care that they were eating the snacks before the buyers could get there.
• When Corazón yells that Egbert can eat all the crudités he wants, he immediately starts stuffing his face and Corazón hastily backtracks.
• Bizmuth serves up some very coarse pate.
  Prudence: How coarse are we talking?
  Johnny: I mean, it is labelled "In Memoriam".
• There is an astonishing amount of getting distracted by food.
• Corazón proposes holding the viewings outside the house so that they don't get murdered by ghosts.
• Prudence insists that she likes Necropolis-on-Sea because "it's spooky, it's malevolent, it's haunted AF".
• When an argument breaks out about the mountain of bones:
  Dob: I don't want this to be the bonehill on which we die.
• They end up nearly voting Corazón out of the house like a reality TV show.
• Bizmuth dubs the bone mountain "Mount Killy-Killy-Kilimanjaro".
  Corazón: What did I say about naming things, Bizmuth?
• As soon as things seem to be going well with the first prospective buyer, an avuncular gentleman named Arthur Benbarton, Dob glides up with a silver tray covered in champagne flutes filled with seawater. After Arthur chokes down the first one, Dob politely refills it while Corazón frantically tries to pretend it's a local delicacy.
• Even the terrible ships' biscuit goes over well with Arthur.
  Arthur: I haven't had fare like this since my first campaign! Weevils. Never can mask the taste, but when they're not there, you miss them.
• Egbert seems to think the drawing room is for drawing pictures in. This culminates in Dob drawing Corazón like one of his French girls.
  Arthur: Ah, yes, I see. What's through -
  Prudence: Literally any door out of here.
• The attempt to escape from the naked Corazón runs into a problem as he and Dob attempt to give chase.
  Prudence: There's no nude drawing in the library. That's for the drawing room. The library is -
  Corazón: UNTIL NOW!
  Prudence: Aww.
  Dob: But you can look at some of the other tasteful nudes I've drawn previously! (OOC) And I draw a big book from the shelves.
  Prudence: You've got me there, that's on a technicality.
• When it turns out that the library is masquerading as a training room, Prudence hastily covers by claiming that like she said, it's a weapon library.
• When Benbarton gets stabbed in the throat and Dob heals him, he complains, in a croaky voice, that he does appear to have lost all of his blood, and then he dies anyway.
  Dob: I've seen this before, it's a bargaining tactic-
• Corazón remains Corazón; with a prospective buyer killed in front of him, he immediately searches the corpse's pockets and steals his gold teeth.
• Dob tries to negotiate with the horrible haunted manor.
• Arthur Benbarton's corpse gets exploded all over the place, splattering the party with gore. Egbert is confused but still maintains that ghosts aren't real, while Prudence proposes sending him back to his wife in a garbage bag.
• While Merilwen is trying to process her understandably confused emotions about seeing a man get eaten by a fireplace, and then spit up, right in front of her, she unwisely says that the room "blew him away".
  Bizmuth: I'll say it did.
• Corazón is willing to let one more buyer get exploded before he gives up.
• Bizmuth pulls a suit of Plot Armor out of a book. It doesn't protect Egbert when Corazón fires a crossbow bolt at him.
• The seawater is hastily dubbed "Aqua Oceana" and "Neptune's Delight" for the second buyer.
• Said second buyer is described as cutting a "stern, austere, but authoritative figure."
  Mike: Egbert immediately falls in love.
  Johnny: Okay.
• "He likes authority! He's been kicked out of a paladin order. He's into it." - Mike, on Egbert
• When the chainmail adjusts to perfectly fit the second buyer, Cecelia Dubois, you can see Ellen realising that the chainmail was found inside the evil haunted house that killed the first buyer and getting suspicious. Jane, meanwhile, is grinning from ear to ear.
• Corazón still hasn't gotten dressed. Cecilia, who somehow hadn't noticed, starts circling the room, keeping an eye on him.
  Prudence: His eyes follow you wherever you go.
  Johnny: Inspiration.
• Prudence, who still doesn't want to give up the murder house, encourages Cecilia to put her face in the painting to see if something horrible happens to her. This prompts Dob to frantically try and paint big googly eyes on the wolves to make them look like, in his words, "big, sweet mice."
• Johnny has the wolves emerge from the painting with the cartoonish monster mouse heads Dob has painted on them fully in place. Ellen gets a mental image of a pack of wolves wearing Disneyland souvenirs.
  Mike: Somehow, this is worse.
  Luke: Imagine werewolf Deadmau5. That's what we're looking at, right?
• "Does [animal friendship] work on paintings?" gets added to the list of "Things You Never Thought You'd Hear."
• Luke insists that they must be referred to as "Big Sweet Mice". Somehow that makes it worse.
• Dob tries to jump into the painting. It works, but he brings one horrible wolf mouse monster with him.
  Luke: Deal!
• Andy wants to know if any of the paintings are a nice beach or a funfair or something.
  Mike: Is that where you're going to hide?
  Ellen: You want to go in a funfair in this place?
  Mike: Clowns! They'll be great guys!
• Andy explains that he's hiding in the town fair painting (and having a go at guessing the weight of the pig) because it's a long corridor and it's not like there's anywhere else for him to hide, unless he goes under the carpet or something.
• Dob dubs the painting he's in "the Painted World of Awesomeness".
• When a horrible mousewolf rolls a critical fail, Prudence is actually disappointed.
• Just in general, the wolves are actually more horrifying when they fail attacks because their teeth bend in weird ways or their jaws bend open.
• After Merilwen spends a while telling the one wolf they hit with animal friendship to go after the dude in the painting with a knife, Luke points out that she just described Corazón. Johnny spends the entire conversation with an expression of "I hadn't even thought of that but" that will be instantly familiar to anyone who's played a tabletop RPG before, and it does indeed leap into the town fair painting.
• Egbert is so bewitched by Cecilia that he didn't actually notice a mousewolf bouncing off his armour.
• When Mike hatches a plan based on the assumption that Dob dropped his painting kit, Johnny demands an honest answer to whether Luke thinks Dob would have dropped it or not.
  Luke: I can honestly, Johnny, in all honesty say that I 100% believe that nothing Dob has is at any time "very well secured."
• "Looking guilty is always a bonus action." - Johnny Chiodini, 2020
• The discussion of wolves and walls gets a little confusing.
  Ellen: Anyway, here's Wolfwall.
• Merilwen just gives up on trying to help her friends and goes, "Eh, they're fine" before hurling poison into a mousewolf's face.
• Jane gets advantage on her attacks on the grounds that apparently eldritch blast can be conducted by urine.
• Johnny has, in past, opined that if you want to let the player characters feel like badasses, you give them one big enemy to fight, while if you want them to have a rough time, you give them a lot of enemies. This fight is in general proof that a lot of enemies, plus the Oxventurers' insistence on doing whatever pops into their heads, makes for an even rougher time even if everyone is hard to kill.
• Egbert actually gets jealous when Dob throws himself in to shield Cecilia.
• When the "potato painting man" explodes, Mike cracks, "I don't know much about art, but I know what I like."
• Luke tries to look on the bright side about the oil painting being on fire, which is that the inevitable avalanche might put it out...except, as Ellen points out, the snow will also be made of highly flammable paint.
• The Monster Clown is described as walking like a gingerbread man.
• Corazón opts to weaponise his hip flask by throwing it at the clown, reasoning that the contents are probably like paint thinner.
• As the clown dissolves into a smear monster, Ellen looks horrified and Jane looks thrilled. Unsurprisingly, Corazón opts to leave the painting immediately.
• After a string of bad rolls, Johnny just decides that the wolves were, in fact, nerfed into oblivion by Dob's hasty paint job and can't meaningfully do any harm to the party.
• Egbert Puts A Positive Spin On Things:
  Egbert: They say art should make you feel something. Why not "terrified"?
• Cecilia's offer for the house is "Let me go now and I won't tell anyone you're here."
  Corazón: I mean, I think we should take it.
• Even after that, Egbert tries to invite Cecilia out for coffee.
  Johnny: ...Make me a Charisma/Persuasion check.
• It fails, but she does give Egbert the helmet she was wearing to remember her by.
  Luke: She shouldn't have taken the helmet off until she was through the front door.
• Bizmuth just randomly tries to murder Cecilia as she flees. Even Prudence is surprised (although pleasantly). This culminates in the party patiently explaining to Bizmuth that she's not supposed to murder anyone, despite Prudence's attempts to undermine it because of course she is.
• Egbert managed to grief-binge scotch eggs in the past thirty seconds.
• The third group consists entirely of people with French accents: Claude, Julia, and the children Paul and Sophie. This leads to some confusion about "may we" vs "mais oui".
• Dob frantically attempts to shut the children outside because of their "mucky little hands" and encourage the parents to put on their normal, regulation suits of armour. Corazón goes for a more direct approach and simply attempts to wrap the children in a thick carpet for safekeeping. This leads to two simultaneous checks.
  Luke: Four, plus...does it matter?
• The insistence that the children wrapped themselves in a carpet starts to verge into Implausible Deniability as Dob tries to claim that they tied rope around it as well.
• When Johnny names the children, Jane cracks that this is going to make it hurt worse when they die.
• Prudence is really eager to go to the nursery and see if it's full of giant haunted porcelain dolls or something.
• After the chainmail, Luke has just started expecting Corazón to demonstrate it when he says you can't get an arrow through the children's carpet-wrapping.
• Johnny's description of the nursery is right out of The Addams Family, complete with bear-trap swingsets and fun-size iron maidens. Their conclusion? They need to cork every individual spike. So, Dob descends to the wine cellar and emerges with 200 corks, leaving behind him 200 ruined wines.
  Johnny: There is a sandbox, and a cat has pooped in it.
  Merilwen: It wasn't me.
• Merilwen biffs a roll and ends up caught in one of the bear traps; they make the best of it by trying to use her situation as proof that it's fun and childsafe.
• Corazón and Dob frantically trying to convince the parents that all the kids these days are into playing in iron maidens because it's "educational" is a thing of beauty.
• The moment a toy chest comes up, either Merilwen or Ellen almost has a heart attack. Dob ends up doing a backflip to land on it.
  Dob: (incredibly forced) Uncle Dob is lots of fun! No need to look in the toy chest.
• To nobody's surprise, the toy chest is a mimic.
• Corazón's first concern is that he hopes Dob isn't about to ruin this sale for him.
• The parents are a study in contrasts: Julia screams, Claude starts trying to negotiate on the price.
• They frantically try to market the mimic as a hip new model of toy chest.
• Egbert, sensing trouble, hastily warns Bizmuth to put the crossbow down.
• Dob's natural 1 on his Dex save leads to the mimic eating Claude in front of them.
  Merilwen: Can someone help me out of the swing now, please?
• Corazón responds to the death of Claude by speculating on how best to forge a cheque from him.
• Dob tells the mimic, "That was naughty."
  Corazón: Yeah, I think it learned its lesson.
  Prudence: Did it? How did it learn its lesson?
  Egbert: Yeah, it had a great meal, and will probably kill again.
  Prudence: That's the opposite of learning its lesson!
• It's almost heartwarming. Almost.
  Prudence: It's your family home, it's the ancestral home of the Milquetoasts. Maybe it wants you to stay here, Corazón.
  Corazón: But it's horrible and keeps murdering people!
  Prudence: I mean, we're horrible, and we keep murdering people. Maybe we're the perfect match.
  Corazón: Oh my God, I've learned such a valuable lesson.
  Prudence: The house was inside us all along.
  Andy: "I've learned such a valuable lesson," I say, as I spread kerosene around the room and search through my pack for some matches.
• The fourth buyer practically radiates Obviously Evil, and, when Corazón offers 300,000 gp as a price, immediately offers 700,000. Egbert points out that he is terrible at bargaining.
• The fourth buyer wants to see the house, "Warts and All."
  Prudence: Take him to the wart room.
• For some reason, the fourth buyer pays them a million gold pieces by cheque.
  Corazón: You drive a hard bargain, sir.
• The final buyer, it turns out, has very familiar handwriting and Corazón's surname.
  Corazón: Oh my God, it's me! Wait, that can't be right.
• As soon as the final buyer is revealed as Lord Milquetoast, Corazón is suddenly 100% on board with keeping the terrifying murder house.
• Lord Milquetoast looked into the family history and himself decided to get set up as a pirate. Corazón is understandably irritated that his father is now ripping off his shtick, especially since Lord Milquetoast has forgotten precisely why it was that he was trying to kill Corazón back in "Spot of Bother".
  Corazón: Do you think I dress like this for fun?!
  Lord Milquetoast: Yes.
  Corazón: I mean, it is fun, but also-
• Lord Milquetoast is also entirely sure that Corazón wouldn't be answering his letters if he'd sent any. He actually seems a little offended by this.
• After Corazón rants about how absurd the situation is, his father figures out a solution.
  Lord Milquetoast: Maybe I should buy a leather jacket. Should I buy a leather jacket? And one of those really fast horses-
• In the end, Corazón reluctantly tells Bizmuth not to shoot his father.
  Prudence: Do you wanna talk about it, Corazón?
  Corazón: No. We're gonna make the house nice and live in it. We're going to live in a big middle finger, I mean house.

Story 33: "Court in the Act"

• During the introductions, Mike accurately observes that it doesn't look like they're going to be much help in his quest for atonement this week.
  Jane: Why start now?
• This episode is funded by some of Dicebreaker's more reliable sponsors, the Voodoo Ranger IPA.
  Luke: Don't worry, folks, even though we're all drinking beer, you can expect the same high level of professionalism-
  Ellen: (dies)
• Doing up the horrible ghost-filled skeleton mansion is proceeding about as well as anyone expected.
  Jane: What about the ceiling piece showing The Creation of Corazón?
  Luke: That's one of Dob's tasteful nudes.
  Andy: It's a large Corazón reaching out to a smaller Corazón.
• The town of the week is Otherway, so-called because it's a smuggler's haven and the law is very willing to look the Otherway.
• Dob finds an entire plesiosaur skeleton and mounts it on castors.
  Johnny: He has also got sand absolutely everywhere, despite the fact that Otherway's beach is a pebble beach.
• Ellen delivers the line "You'll be plesiosaur it^note pleased you saw it". Everyone except Andy thinks it's hilarious; Andy has trouble even parsing the joke.
• The ad they end up answering reads "BARD URGENTLY WANTED (Half-orc preferred) enquire within". Corazón immediately decides that he's got the chops, and Dob backs him up on the grounds that he's a fossil hunter now.
• The tavern being called the Billy Club prompts Merilwen to go looking for goats. Then, in a display of perfect timing, Ellen rolls a 1 on a perception check and mistakes a beefy 5'6" man for a billy goat.
  Jane: Feed him a can!
• Corazón and Dob fail their rolls, but not a critical. So they just think it's a great place. That's when Corazón inquires about the Dob, and Egbert suggests reforming the Beeples, to Corazón's delight and Prudence's despair.
• Only Prudence and Egbert pass their Perception checks.
  Johnny: Prudence and Egbert, you walk in, and you look at one another, and you're like (nodding) "Crime den."
• Backing this up, everyone they encounter in the pub has "stereotypical Mafioso" vibes.
• Dob starts jamming with the saxophonist.
  Luke: I whip out the lute, but I'm also percussively tapping the body. [Beat] Of the instrument.
  Jane: (as Luke) I mean the musical instrument.
  Johnny: Just hamboning this other guy.
• Corazón begins singing, and decides to sing about the town, singing There's No Other Way by Blur. Johnny devolves into laughter.
  Merilwen: I get a stare.
  Egbert: Prudence's head is in her hands.
• Immediately after Corazón's audition, Prudence attempts to dissociate herself from the rest of the party.
  Mafia Dude: You know, the verse was terrible, but the chorus brought it all together.
• Johnny receives the unwelcome news from Mike that their Mafia Dude voice is beginning to drift into "More Cowbell".
• Paying off some jokes about the Beeples from earlier, Mafia Dude is asked how he feels about bee-themed bands.
  Mafia Dude: (immediately) No. I don't know what that is, but I know I don't like it. We got a saying in the Family: "Bee-themed bands? Don't." [beat] It's not a catchy saying, but-
  Andy: I hastily write "The Wasples" on all of our instruments.
• The Mafia dude talking to them is Michael Carcetti AKA Mikey Smash-Things. His "brother", the head of security, is...Big Mikey Smash-Things.
  Johnny: There's an ogre in the corner wearing a suit.
• Dob is learning: when he's offered a 70-30 split, he insists that the 70% has to be 70% of the money.
  Corazón: Very good, Dob.
  Mike: I pat Dob on the head.
• Corazón tips off Dob that the money on offer is "suspiciously generous".
  Dob: Are you telling me to say no to the money?
  Corazón: No, I'm not, no - no - no.
• Merilwen makes a few puns and gets thrown down the stairs for her trouble.
• One of the performance rules is "no covers", apparently to avoid the thing where Luke uses them for comedy and/or an attempt to avoid any copyright weirdness.
  Ellen: If anyone sings All Star, they'll get a smashed mouth.
• When they're told there is a dress code, Dob and Corazón start repeating, "Bee costume, bee costume, bee costume-"
• The actual dress code is two fancy tuxedos. Dob starts trying to put his on immediately. Without going into another room first. Prudence tries to cover her eyes.
  Mikey Smash-Things: It's not that kinda act.
• Prudence proposes that the act is going to be a sort of weird "reverse burlesque" where Dob puts on a tuxedo in front of the audience.
• Dob does a "generous split".
  Prudence: I can see your generous split.
• When en-tuxed, they're described as looking "like a million gold pieces."
  Andy: Dob throws me in the ocean.
  Johnny: I suppose that for Dob that means he's sopping wet. That's not what I mean.
• The rest of the Oxventurers are treated to a pleasant evening of free food and drink.
  Egbert: Maybe crime is good, actually.
  Merilwen: What?
  Prudence: I'd always suspected. (incredibly blase) Oh, Merilwen, it's a crime den, you know.
  Egbert: I feel like I've been wasting my time with this atonement thing. Crime seems great!
  Prudence: You are never - Egbert, you are never going to get atoned if you - you are so easily led astray, and I'm here for it. You get one whiff of crime and suddenly you're in for a lifetime of organised crime!
  Egbert: These seats are really comfy!
• Merilwen's immediate problem is that she knows fox dens but not crime dens. Prudence starts teaching her how not to notice criminal activity.
• During some discussion of what is and is not crime, Egbert discovers that murder counts.
  Prudence: Egbert's having one of those nights out.
• A new rule is swiftly added: "No bears." It's to protect the flooring.
• Prudence tries to convince Merilwen to join her and Egbert on Plan Become Criminals.
  Prudence: You should really consider criming things.
• in an honest triumph for Dob's himbo-ness, he mistakes a crossbow for a form of musical instrument and through sheer luck manages to not shoot himself.
• Andy weasels his way around his failed roll from earlier to say that he's figured out that they're in a crime den.
• We learn some Important Things About Dob's Backstory.
  Dob: I've been a professional bard for a long time, and you are usually playing for an audience of criminals.
• The microphone is just two tin cans with string in the middle, but one can is very large and the string is a wizard.
• The beat poetry draws cries of horror and despair from Egbert and Prudence. Even the crowd, which we subsequently learn is being paid to be enthusiastic about this, takes about twenty seconds to realise it's supposed to be cheering.
• When the watch burst in to arrest Dob and Corazón, Dob reassures him that this isn't uncommon in professional music circles, and proposes "Band on the Run protocol". This means Corazón climbs inside a drum and Dob tries to roll him to safety. It doesn't work.
• After Dob is tackled by eighteen guards, Corazón tries to run from helmet to helmet. It nearly works, until one of them is overly polished.
• Merilwen decides to punish the tavern for letting her friends get arrested by turning into a bear and landing on stage. She is then forced to change into something not-a-bear by Big Mikey Smash-Things, who takes the opportunity to do some bad stand-up. Specifically, she chooses cat and lures Big Mikey into getting clawed.
• Prudence seeks out Mikey Smash-Things to ask the most important question...where's the money? Then Egbert suggests they should charge the City Watch entrance, at which point Mikey decides they're going to send the watch an invoice.
• The public defender in Otherway is a career-minded ten-year-old girl who wants to help get Corazón and Dob out of trouble. Egbert insists that he'll represent them, because he did a community course college^note yes, rearranged in exactly that way on how to do law. This leads to some very careful maneuvering to keep his ego intact without letting him actually make any legal decisions.
  Andy: Miles away, I turn to Dob, and I go (shudders). I had a really weird foreboding feeling.
  Dob: I've just got this tightening feeling around my neck.
• Corazón and Dob start playing some jailhouse blues. It goes poorly.
  Dob: You know, the interesting structural thing about 12-bar blues is that it goes on forever.
• Prudence has a Brilliant Legal Mind.
  Prudence: We put the whole damn system on trial. That's plan 1. Whole damn system on trial. Plan 2, we sabotage the gallows and escape in the explosive chaos.
• The brainstorming session starts with Corazón proposing replacing the rope with a big rubber rope, so he can bungee jump his way to freedom. It doesn't go downhill from there, but there is a lot of lateral space, and they go through all of it, including "exceedingly long freeform jazz moment", "request live horses for their last meal and escape on them", and "order a last meal that takes 70 years to eat", which was Dob failing to interpret the "escape" part of the live horses plan. The final plan involves weaving fake ropes from udon noodles and it's not even the worst suggestion.
  Dob: What I would like to say about this plan is that incredibly, after twenty minutes, it's the best one.
• There's a technical glitch where things freeze for most of a plan suggestion from Dob. Jane covers for it by having Prudence say, "I'll be honest, Dob, I stopped listening."
• The noodle nonsense ends up ruining a guard's already strained marriage.
• Egbert makes a huge deal about the ropes not being up to code.
  Corazón: I think that no noose is good noose.
  Ellen: Eeeey!
• Mike ruins a great plan by asking if major image can be done with hands free.
  Johnny: Spell requirements in Dungeons & Dragons? What are those?
  Andy: Now look what you've done. You've made him care about the rules.
• Johnny comes clean: the plan was to only arrest Dob, but then Corazón insisted on being on stage as well, and no GM would look that gift horse in the mouth.
• Otherway's criminal fraternity makes such heavy use of the sewers that parts of it are almost better cared for than the actual town.
• Ellen mentions that Merilwen's keen hearing lets her make out Rattigan's Villain Song from The Great Mouse Detective. Neither Johnny nor Mike is familiar with it.
  Luke: Kids, ask your parents about Basil, the Great Mouse Detective.
• When they're using stone shape to prepare escape holes, they nearly end up going with perfect silhouettes carved into the wall.
• Dob tries to console the guard about his marriage breaking down.
  Corazón: You know what would make it better? If you let us escape right now.
  Dob: I was gonna try and warm him up a little more, Corazón.
• "I cast speak with dead on his marriage." - Luke
• Dob and Corazón give each other infected prison tattoos. Dob ends up with a unicorn tramp stamp.
  Johnny: Update your fanfics, everybody! Now we know what's just above Dob's butt.
• The flaxman of Otherway is furious at having been kept up all night. He even gets petty and goes after them about their tats getting infected.
  Corazón: I wrapped it in clingfilm!^note Saran wrap in America Or, at least, as close to clingfilm as I could get in this cell, which was a rat.
  Flaxman: You wrapped it in rat.
  Corazón: Yeah. But I flattened the rat out-
• Dob eats the nooses. It goes surprisingly well in that he doesn't actually die.
• They try and fail to use the prison tattoos to dismiss evidence from "Giovanni Gramazzio"'s wife. This ends in Dob mooning the courtroom.
• Egbert is almost convinced by the prosecution's """evidence""".
• At one point the prosecution "lawyer" openly admits that he "forgot to do the setup."
• Egbert's final evidence is "look at their little faces", complete with squidging their cheeks.
• Immediately after the judge encourages the jury to consider acquitting, helped a little bit by Egbert's command spell, he's shot in the head with a crossbow.
  Prudence: I knew we should have put the system on trial.
• As Merilwen tries to do bird calls to get their attention, Luke proposes avoiding the judge's antechamber because there's clearly some horrible bird in there.
• The flaxman attempts to murder Egbert for continually calling his work shoddy.
• Things end about the way you would expect: the Oxventurers meet up, deal with issues like Dob still having a stomach full of rope, and then they go and burn down the Mafia bar.
  Johnny: Before, you could have probably faded into obscurity, but instead you burned down the Billy Club. You have made some powerful enemies this day, guys, you burned down an entire Mafia pub.

Story 34: "Heir Superiority"

• Corazón is now "The Man They Couldn't Hang, As Long As The Rope Was Made Of Udon Noodles."
• According to Andy, atonement is "usually in the last place you look."
  Jane: Where did you have atonement the last time you remember having atonement?
  Mike: I'll get to thinking about that.
  Andy: Did you check under the sofa?
• Since no-one's been framed for a crime in a week, Mike asks if they have a little flip-chart for tracking that.
• Corazón accidentally confesses to cannibalism during his last shipwreck, then hastily backtracks.
• Egbert is amazed by the concept of a sausage in a bun, and orders eight.
• The endlessly shifting arrangement of ways to describe a sausage in a bun has certain drawbacks.
  Prudence: You keep describing it in ways where I cannot bring myself to eat it. I throw another one over my shoulder.
• When Corazón is being a nuisance, Dob immediately tricks him into eating 20 sausages in five minutes. This prompts a Constitution check. Which he fails.
  Johnny: You get through, in fairness, 18 of them before you realise that you might be having some form of medical disaster.
• Dob has concluded that, at this point, "adventurers" is probably not the best way for the Guild to describe themselves.
  Egbert: "Independent contractors."
  Dob: That sounds sinister enough.
• After reading a plaque about the ascension of King Lynton of Dunbridge that mentions that phrase something like four times, Corazón has a rare moment of genuine self-awareness:
  Corazón: The way this Lynton is talking sounds a lot like what I would do, so I want to check this plinth for some sort of mechanical -
  Prudence: "I just want to check it's not me."
• Ellen and Johnny collaborate on a terrible pun about homogenous pub names, culminating in the name "All Bar One".
• The variant terms for "sausage in a bun" only get worse.
  Dob: Corazón, put down that pork sword resting in a bread bath-
  Merilwen: Oh, no, that's the worst one!
• After they overdo it on Dob being able to do a backflip, Luke rolls a 1.
• "Oh, I'll be fine, it's just my spinal cord." - Dob
• Corazón spins a ludicrous line of absolute bullshit about his sword going off unexpectedly and ruining his life as king.
• Corazón's gift for convincing aliases continues with "Swordman Jones".
• The sword is so low-quality that Johnny claims it probably came from Ye Olde Garden Centre.
• Corazón manages the dumbest usurpation in fictional history by holding the sword back in the stone with mage hand, then cancelling it when he tries to take it out.
• Egbert proposes that they paper over the issue by declaring a national holiday, which Corazón improves by offering to pay for a round of drinks. Dob can't resist over-egging the pudding by also proposing that the "king" should choose his bride.
  Guard: Are you saying you want to begin your reign by giving everyone the day off and getting them hammered on mead?
  Corazón: Yeah. Sounds good to me, right?
  Johnny: They all sort of lower their swords and are like, "Well, I'm convinced."
• Corazón plays for time and the audience's affection by producing a ROYAL BABY with minor illusion.
  Dob: (singing) A baby was born on this wonderful day, a baby! Let's all stop questioning the monarchy-
• Prudence slept through the whole affair.
• Dob tries to fake being Lynton's friend. It's a bit of a chore.
  Lynton: What does Dob stand for? "Dumb Old Backflip?"
• The deposed "king"'s advisor, Gwendolyn the Wise, is in fact his old primary school teacher. It takes her a few moments to figure out the right way to describe him. It's "tosser".
• Prudence takes a few moments to realise that the primary school teacher might not be on board with knifing Lynton just for being a little shit. She's warming up to it, though, especially given how much schnapps-fortified mead she's drinking.
• Dob decides to hold a revolution just for the drama of it.
• Things go downhill when Egbert, who has been firing hot dogs out of his crossbow, serves one up to Corazón.
  Johnny: You fire a warm pig...[mimes a crossbow]
  Dob: So you have been reading the fanfiction!
  Ellen and Johnny both double over
• Merilwen, who is Locked Out of the Loop on Dob's attempts at intrigue, gives him a shot of skunk smell just as a gesture of aggression. Dob knows it's Merilwen, but blames it on Lynton anyway.
• The schoolteacher tries to hook up with Corazón when she hears that he's planning to loot the treasury and leave.
  Mike: I ship Corazóndelyn.
• The Les Misérables references go strange places.
  Lynton: Do you hear the people sing? They're singing the song of Merilwen!
• Lynton ends up as kind of an extremely weaselly revolutionary who is immediately turned off by Dob's analogy about choking the machine with their bones.
• By the end of it, even the other players have no idea what Dob is trying to accomplish here.
• Lynton's apology to Gwendolyn goes a bit downhill when he uses the phrase "I'm sorry you were such a rubbish advisor."
• At the very thought of teaching Lynton friendship, Gwendolyn snorts into her drink.
• While they're planning to instil some confidence in Lynton by taking him for a hunt, Prudence mentions that accidents happen when you're hunting. Gwendolyn immediately volunteers.
• They propose putting Dob at risk to teach the lesson. When Merilwen suggests using an illusion for it, Johnny cracks, "Dob's method, he won't go for that."
• Johnny finishes a line as Lynton and then breaks character:
  Johnny: God, I hate him.
• Corazón goes into great detail on how symbolic this choice is.
• Lynton looks like he's going to do the right thing in choosing to destroy the sword instead of killing Dob, then he runs to try and grab it before the trolley reaches it...so Egbert throws him away from it.
  Corazón: Lynton, I guess you've sort of learned something, maybe.
• Gwendolyn throws them off the trolley so she can run away with the cash.
• Corazón tries to overthrow the monarchy from within, at which point a tweed-clad prig shows up to insist that the monarchy is good for tourism. He's such an obvious clown that Dob is able to swindle him.
• We learn that Corazón's royal baby, which had to be some kind of prop because minor illusion lasts only a minute, was made from two cantaloupes in swaddling cloth, and he throws it at the tweed dude to buy an opportunity to headbutt him.
• Mike mentions that he's only rolled dice once in this entire episode.
• Egbert gives a little speech, then does a stage dive. He rolls a 1.
  Johnny: You've basically done a pile driver on yourself.
• Tweed Guy starts planning to end trade with other nearby villagers in what is obviously Johnny taking jabs at Brexit. Corazón headbutts him again.
• Dob starts performing a severely mutated version of "Do You Hear The People Sing", which contains multiple outright lies, several of them at Corazón's expense.
  Corazón: (singing) Then Corazón said, that's not actually what happened! He was very good and he was great and everyone agreed -
• "Lengthy meat tubes" for "sausages" is a bridge too far, even for Johnny.
• "And that's the story of how you deposed two kings in one day!" - Johnny
• Johnny admits that this is another "do it too quickly" derail, but it's really on them for failing to plan out beyond "the king is a prick and they depose him somehow".

Story 35: "Silent Knight"

• As the story is introduced, Johnny summarizes the previous story: Deposing a monarch, raising a worse one, and deposing that one.
  Dob: Moses deposes.
• The story opens with the Guild receiving a note from a friend. Dob suspects it's Binbag, but Egbert reminds him that Binbag teleports in. Corazón, meanwhile, thinks the note is fake: They have no friends.
  Prudence: If we're friends, why is this the first letter we've ever gotten?
• The message is a summons to Inkwater, the town of "Quiet Riot". Egbert wonders if they had friends in Inkwater, and Prudence reminds them that, contrary to most other cities, they did not leave Inkwater ablaze. Merilwen wonders if the owlbear from the adventure could write, and Johnny remarks that they can't... Although they could dictate a message.
• The group travels to Inkwater and Johnny remarks that it's abuzz with activity. Corazón immediately declares this a Beeples revival.
• Thanks to the efforts of Quiet Riot, the Guild are actually folk heroes in Inkwater, especially during the town solstice festival, which is happening. Johnny's description of kids scrambling around as Egbert leave the group in stitches. Corazón, meanwhile, is wondering where the royalties are.
• Corazón discusses the meatgrinder incident with Beryl, their tour guide and festival manager. Apparently, the event is the subject of theological debate: Beryl is a Merilwen apologist.
• Corazón is hired to be the Official Pirate for the kids' event during the solstice festival celebrating the meatgrinder: The pirate pushes the kids down a greased hill, and if they can't keep their footing, they get the "spike pit" which is just tickling. Corazón is quick to tell Merilwen that this "spike pit" is fake and she shouldn't cast a real one. She then counters with the fact that Corazón's Grease did most of the work. All the while, Beryl sidles up to Prudence and praises the group's commitment, believing them to be actors.
  Prudence: They're always on.
• Hearing of this job opportunity, Dob becomes Corazón's agent, and of course, never misses a chance to milk it.
  Dob: Mr. de Ballena, rest your instrument.
• Corazón getting hired as the pirate displaces the previous one, so Dob makes him the producer and gives him a huge cigar. Merilwen immediately casts Produce Flame to light it so Egbert doesn't use his flame breath and come up with more to atone for.
• Beryl also contracts the group to help distract the kids while she gets a surprise for them: Paladin-shaped pinatas. Since Beryl stresses how they are shaped like paladins, Egbert decides to make himself scarce. This leads Dob to wonder if Egbert is full of sweets like a pinata and so hits him with a bat. Corazón decides to help by reaching into Egbert's mouth as Dob hits him. Egbert, naturally, allows all of this to happen.
  Prudence: You want to reach in so they don't hit the ground first. Yes, because THAT makes it disgusting.
• As it turns out, Egbert does have candies in his stomach, although they are more like bezoars. With a chewable center. Dob immediately offers to give them to kids, but Egbert refuses. Dob wonders if it's because they're like a candy with a liquor center.
• The group goes to the tavern, which is known as the Tasteful Nude. Because the group are folk heroes, the picture on the sign is Dob, with a vine and strategically placed bunch of grapes. Because Dob is green, Corazón demands to check and see if it's actually a vine. Egbert meanwhile, looks at the grapes and asks if that's what it's supposed to look like, and Corazón remarks that he should probably see a healer if so. Slightly disconcerted, Dob looks in his pants to check.
• In the Tasteful Nude, the author of the note is revealed: Alfred Strangetide. After getting dandled on Dob's knee, Alfred points out that he was unaware of the folk hero aspect of the town, and spent a lot of time running around asking various cosplayers if they were his Dob. Now that they are reunited, Dob tries to take Alfred out of the pub... but Alfred insists they have a kids' menu.
• Alfred is not alone in the tower. They are met by Marisa, the town's mayor and chandler^note Someone who makes candles, and sometimes soap. However, Luke and Ellen are only capable of thinking of the Friends character and cannot handle the idea that this medieval town could have an official Chandler Bing.
• The reason Alfred summoned the town is because Marisa received a threatening missive of someone harming the townsfolk during the festival. Because the message is in metered rhyme, Corazón immediately proposes killing all of the poets in town. The mayor gives it serious consideration.
• Reading through the message, Dob immediately senses that a huge cask of wine the town prepared for the festivities has been poisoned. Corazón offers to test it... by letting Egbert drink it.
• Corazón, meanwhile, has grabbed a poet. Johnny describes him as someone who will die of malaise by 16.
• Prudence magically inspects the wine and finds nothing, so Corazón concludes that the poison is probably non-magical. To get a residue of the wine, Corazón pours a glass and has Egbert breathe fire underneath to boil the wine away. Naturally, Egbert insists Corazón hold the glass with tongs. This brings a crowd, and Corazón immediately throws down a hat to make a collection.
• Merilwen the resident nature expert finds the wine is poisoned with hellebore. Corazón sill insists on letting Egbert drink it.
• Dob doesn't want to reveal the wine is poisoned because it might tip off the poisoner, not to mention panic the village. So Dob concocts a lie about how the wine is corked.^note A wine with certain chemicals in it, typically chlorine based compounds, that are harmless to drink, but ruin the taste and smell of the wine.
• Egbert rears up to smash the cask while Prudence and Merilwen scan the crowd to see if there's a reaction from the poisoner in the crowd. Egbert rolls a natural 1. Corazón thinks he should fall in the cask, while Merilwen thinks it will turn the wine into a seal. As it turns out, the mace goes flying and hits a townsman in the face. All the while, Egbert immediately rushes up to heal, and the crowd becomes convinced the Guild are a troupe of actors putting on a show, and even were prepared enough to set plants in the audience. Corazón makes out like a bandit with all the money they give.
• After reading another clue within the wine, Dob is convinced the poisoner has weaponized the power of the sun.
• Wondering if this person poisoned the water supply as well, the Guild heads towards it. It turns out not to be the case, since Dob can see a fish swimming in the lake. Corazón arrests it anyway.
  Merilwen: The scales of justice weigh heavy.
  Johnny: I'm taking inspiration back.
• After Corazón arrests the fish, it plays the Captivity Harmonica. Merilwen asks if the fish knows the scales. It dies.
• Realizing this was a bust, they re-read the note and determine that "high" might be a high location in the town, like the church tower. While on the way, Merilwen gets snippy about how Corazón now thinks the meatgrinder was a trimuph.
• Egbert marches to the tower, Corazón checks for traps first and finds one. Dob immediately dives on Egbert to stop him. After wondering whether his tail comes off like some lizards do...
  Johnny: Egbert, roll a saving throw. You're being tackled by a half-orc on the stairs. That's probably more dangerous than the trap.
• While Corazón and Dob handle the trap, Prudence again looks at the crowd, and catches someone trying to get away. Dob immediately turns his papose into a wingsuit.
• Alfred Strangetide, while in the papose, gets hurt and starts to break down like a baby. Johnny turns to Mike (who was out for several sessions due to the birth of his child) and says:
  Johnny: How's that fantasy escapism working for you, Mike?
• The culprit Prudence found is a member of the Order: They write on scrolls because they don't speak. Corazón looks at the man's scrolls: One of them is a shopping list. Once Merilwen takes a look at it, she comments that if he wants to stay silent, he shouldn't eat cabbage.
• While the group interrogates the order member, Egbert decides to search the church tower, since that's where the guy was making his plan. But the group decides to bring the paladin to Egbert anyway: He has the Command spell to make him talk. And there's no better way to end the year than to have Egbert finally use his paladin powers.
• Egbert's search turns out another scroll, and a bow that the member was going to use to snipe Marisa as she gave her festival speech.
  Dob: Having a say is something the Order is against.
  Johnny: There's motive.
• To be safe, Egbert tips over the bow so no one can use it...forgetting that Merilwen uses bows and might appreciate an improvement to her arsenal. Egbert is ribbed over the entire story of destroying a good bow.
  Prudence: It was wreathed in golden light.
  Corazón: It was right next to some glowing cutlasses and a magic lute. Over they go!
  Johnny: What's that? A book called 10 Steps to Atonement? Get out!
• The paladin is upset when Egbert gets him to confess, not least of which because he was the poet, and it's hard to do so quickly. Corazón demands iambic pentameter.
  Corazón: I swear, if it's dactylic or anapestic, you're going off this tower.
• Dob searches the paladin for a cynaide pill. And gives him one of the Egbert bezoars in trade.
  Johnny: Ick, Ick, tastes like sick.
  Corazón: I don't know poetry, but I know what I like!
• Egbert uses Tickle Torture to get the paladin to break his oath of silence. Corazón and Dob ham it up, naturally. The children are really into it: In fact, they've been playing near a fountain shaped like Egbert that shoots fruit punch as it's "dragon breath." It's not poisoned, that would be too much even for Johnny. Despite the fact that they mulched a bunch of orphans.
• After foiling more of his destroy the town plans, Merilwen discovers the last one: That paladins are hiding in the paladin pinatas. They aren't, but the paladin desperately tries to convince Merilwen that they are.
• As it turns out, the pinatas are actually bombs.
  Dob: Merilwen, use that new bow of...wait.
• Merilwen and Corazón try to team up to stop the first one with Thorn Whip and Mage Hand. It fails, but it lops off a part of it, causing it to leak gunpowder. The townsfolk think it's candy and start eating it.
• Merilwen goes after it and casts Create Water. She fails that roll as well, and collides with the pinata, which she begins riding like Dr. Strangelove. Naturally, she eventually ends up sliding directly into the festival's prop Meat Grinder, leading to the quip "Merilwen's in the Meat Grinder."
• Egbert decides to help. Apparently, he has a spell called Misty Step that he never used, or even revealed until now. No one is quite sure how to deal with this information.
  Johnny: Misty Step?
  Dob: You can teleport?
  Corazón: How?! It's unbelievably useful!
  Egbert: I got it at level 5, apparently^note They leveled up to 5 between "Spell Check" and "Out of Order", nearly 20 stories prior
  Dob: My mind is reeling thinking of all the opportunities Egbert teleporting could've been useful.
  Johnny: We could start a spin-off series. on things that could've gone differently if we knew Egbert could teleport.
• Egbert grabs the pinata and saves the town, but the guy in charge of the pinatas throws one more...because Prudence was coming up with a plan before Egbert gave his, so Johnny wants to see what she was going to do. She casts Hunger of Hadar on it.

Story 36: "Chart of Darkness"

• During introductions, Dob reveals he's a firm believer in "International Talk like Corazón Day"
  Dob: Yarr, I like gold.
  Corazón: I don't say yarr.
• Egbert joins in the pirate talk. He just wants to be involved.
• Prudence just got back from warlock AGM^note Annual General Meeting. It's random murder.
• After leaving the town of Inkwater, the group travels along the coast, and notices a whale breaching and blowing out its blowhole. And a person flies out and lands near them. Corazón wastes no time robbing the guy.
• As it turns out, it's Panniers, who remarks that he can get launched out of whales thanks to his undying curse, it's still a difficult thing. Prudence remarks he'll have to unlearn that once Corazón breaks the curse.
• Panniers has recovered from the acid trap, but since he was reduced to a skeleton, he's grown entirely new skin. So he's lost all his hair, tattoos, and other coverings. Egbert, true to form asks if Panniers is nude And is reminded Corazón rifled his pockets to rob him.
• Dob is happy to have Panniers come with them: The group needs new blood.
  Prudence: Take his blood!
• Dob delivers a realization: Whenever a guest comes around, they immediately air all of their dirty laundry in front of them.
• Panniers has come to talk about the Cursehole, and there is a tangent about how the place got that name. Panniers remarks that ending the curse is the only thing that gives any of their lives meaning, and Egbert retorts that Panniers lives in a whale.
• The group learns about pirate math: There are no numbers until Egbert asks about pieces of eight.
• Panniers is hoping to get a map to the Cursehole. The guild is shocked because Corazón should already know the way: He got there in the first place. Corazón remarks that he was busy getting drunk and thinking up better names than Cursehole for the place.
• As it turns out, Corazón's former crewmate Wally has the map. Dob remarks that the last time any non-Panniers members of the crew turned up, they weren't happy to see Corazón. Panniers says not to worry: He's changed his life around and is now running a beachside tourist trap. Prudence, naturally, takes the idea literally and offers helpful tips.
• Wally, in fact, runs a tacky overpriced souvenir stall. Egbert looks for magnets with his name, but he can only find Egboff, Egbutt, and Egwood. Dob wants a Dobrovitch because he can cut the thing in half. Wally, seeing a sale, offers to help with a cutlass. And grabs one made of resin.
• Corazón, uncertain if Wally has truly forgotten the past, rolls a Stealth check. And doesn't get charged admission to the tourist trap's true draw: An escape room.
• As it turns out, the map is a prize for beating the escape room, no one has done it since. To ensure it's the right map, Corazón asks about it, and rolls a 5. However, it's a contested roll, and Wally gets a 2.
• To convince Wally that he's not actually his former captain, Corazón fakes being allergic to the sea.
• Wally offers to wave the admission fee, but Dob will have none of it. It's 3 gold apiece, so Dob uses his math and gets 25. This confuses Merilwen, not just because the math is bad, but she's the treasurer of the group, so she has the money.
• Corazón naturally tries to steal the gold back and wants to use the magnets the group bought. But gold isn't magnetic, so Corazón has a flashback of all the times Dob gave their gold away.
• To help the "man allergic to the sea" Wally gives Corazón a blanket. Naturally, Dob pays for it.
• Wally is running the attraction himself, and the group can hear him shuffling in the background, and tries to tell them it's a teambuilding exercise. Corazón nearly runs away in horror. And then tries to convince Egbert that Wally's voice is actually a ghost.
• Just before the room starts though, Wally points out there will be a souvenir of the event...a bored woman next to an easel painting. Dob asks if she can add a shark to the portrait.
• The first room fills with a "deadly gas" they need to escape from. Naturally, Corazón gets into it, screaming and demanding Dob not breathe his air. Dob meekly complies. Corazón thinks that's not good enough and picks up Dob to suck the air from his lungs.
• The challenge is to tie three sailor's knots. The group gets "Charles. O. Rizon" to do it.
• Corazón rolls Sleight-Of-Hand checks to tie the knots while Merilwen investigates the gas with a Nature check. As it turns out, it's actually a real deadly gas. So naturally, Dob inhales and pretends to have a "breath weapon" and Prudence pretends to smoke.
  Corazón Vaping has no consequences.
• As the door opens since the knots are tied, Corazón learns the results of his checks: He rolled a natural 20, so the knots are all perfect. He also got a natural 1, so he tied himself to the plinth the ropes had been standing on.
• As the group frees Corazón, he remarks that this knot was used to lash him to the mast in case the ship was attacked by vampires. Prudence points out that such a thing would actually make it easier for vampires to attack him.
• Prudence pulls out her stiletto to cut the ropes, but Dob wanted to help and Prudence sees his eagerness and lets him do it. Dob rolls a 17, and it makes Johnny surprisingly sad.
• Corazón tells the story about how Dob knows about knots: One time, Corazón told Dob about the eel going in the hole and to distract Dob from thinking about it, Corazón taught him about knots.
• The next room as statues of a shark, boar, and serpent. Prudence looks in the shark statue and finds two of its teeth missing, and immediately asks for two of Dob's. He must be talked out of pulling out his rapier and...
• Now free of the 1st room, Merilwen remarks that the "deadly gas" was actually real. Prudence calls for a huddle and wonders if Wally is trying to kill them. Corazón says no, because Wally doesn't know Corazón is the former captain. Prudence counters he could just be your average serial killer.
• Egbert has two golden teeth that looks like they'd belong in one of the statues. So Egbert decides to examine the teeth: After all a serpent's teeth are hollow to inject venom. Briefly transcending his -1 Wisdom, Egbert collapses to the floor.
• Concerned not to let Wally on, Dob pretends to seriously consider the statues. Prudence is taken in by his fakery...and she was the one who witnessed the faking.
• Egbert gets a plan that since he thinks the statues will come to life, he'll find something to jam their mouths, like a log. Agreeing with that plan, , Merilwen comes up with her own: Use the ropes from the first room to tie up the boar, because a serpent has no legs and can't be tied up. She gets a 1, and is tied to the statue herself.
• Corazón has been thinking about the puzzle and applies his weird thinking. The solution is clearly in space.
• Dob has figured out the plan...he just puts the teeth in the boar.
• After putting the teeth in the boar and it indeed coming to life, Prudence points out they could've done the shark, since it would suffocate.
• Egbert uses his Aura of Courage to help fight the boar, and is quick to point out that he needs to be conscious so they have to protect him.
• Merilwen uses Stone Shape to weaken the boar, since it is still a statue even if it came to life. Reading the spell description, Johnny remarks that this spell allows her to put hinges on things. And wonders how she might use that. She doesn't do that, but she does get inspiration...because she reminded Dob, who gets to go next, that she's attached to something he's about to attack.
• Dob has a brilliant plan: Cast Major Illusion to look like the shark is awake, and the boar will reset its AI. Everyone except Egbert is befuddled as to how this will work. Egbert can't stop laughing.
  Corazón: Lot of assumptions there, Dob.
• It doesn't work...but it does work on Wally watching the whole affair, who manually shuts down the boar.
• To pay for the mistake, Wally offers a combo on coffee and muffins in the next room, a cafe. Merilwen, still remembering the first room, checks for poison. Her low roll causes her to believe everything is poisoned. Everyone else loves the food: In fact, Corazón demands Dob save some for later in his pockets. Naturally, Corazón demands stew. Dob does it.
• As the group leaves, the lady running the cafe demands they take the monkey they left there. The group didn't leave a monkey, but Dob wants it.
• Everyone studies this new monkey: Prudence wonders if it might be Panniers since they haven't heard from him in a while.
• Dob immediately names the monkey Matilda and Corazón points out that she can be the new pet, so Egbert can get rid of Seal Gaiman, reminding Johnny that he forgot to do anything with him. Johnny decides he might go in the first room, with the deadly gas, and he's now inflated like a balloon.
• The next room has the map in the center of the room...on a platform surrounded by a plain old pit of spikes. Apparently, Wally blew the budget on the first two rooms. The only way to reach the platform is a frayed rope bridge. Dob is happy, because that sounds like something they could use a monkey for. Merilwen reminds them that Egbert can teleport.
• Egbert asks Johnny how far the distance is to the platform, and doesn't tell Johnny the range of his teleport in case Johnny plans to make it longer. Johnny says 20 feet, and Egbert is happy, because his spell can make him go thirty feet and decides to do it...briefly forgetting that doing that would make him overshoot the platform and fall in the spike pit.
• As Egbert prepares to teleport, Dob has a sequence like Corazón did with the gold...except it was remembering all of the times Egbert teleporting could've helped. Even Panniers gets in on it, remembering that he's only been with the group once and can think of times Egbert teleporting would've helped. Dob resolves to write in on Egbert's arm once he gets back.
• Corazón meanwhile has been typing ropes to grappling hooks, feeling the wind, eyeing the distance...and then sees Egbert teleport.
• Egbert gets the map, and Prudence is sad there were no traps on it. But Matilda immediately attempts to grab it. She fails and runs off. Dob dives and misses, sliding back into the cafe. The landlady is none too pleased.
• Dob has a plan for stopping Matilda: Using the gold teeth from the trap room to activate the serpent statue. Prudence remarks that there's no point to that, it didn't grab the map. No one sides with her. Not even the GM.
  Johnny: This isn't about the map, Prudence, this is about revenge.
• Corazón follows the plan by using his Mage Hand to activate the serpent with the teeth then shutting the door. Leaving the group to be glared at by the cafe owner while snake-on-monkey violence plays in the background.
• The room goes quiet, the door is opened. The snake is back to being a statue, and the monkey is...just a pile of cymbals.
• Dob uses those cymbals to cast Speak With Dead on Matilda. Egbert wonders about the point of that: Dob wouldn't be able to understand it. Dob is sure it will be find, they'll turn it into a whole seance thing with Merilwen.
  Johnny: I can hear the rules groaning.
• Dob gets started.
  Dob: Hello, dead cymbals.

(cymbals crash)

Dob: That wasn't phrased as a question.

• The group determine Matilda was sent by a member of the crew. It can't be Wally because he had the map already so there was no point in stealing it, and if he wanted to kill them, he could've just locked them in the room with the poison gas. Dob asks if they can trust Panniers...who is standing right next to them.
  Prudence: I trust him more than you.
• Dob summarizes the events
  Dob: I got a pet monkey, and five minutes later, I was interrogating my pet monkey's corpse.
• As they leave, the group finds their portrait, and there is indeed a shark on it.
• The monkey was sent by Jack Crackson.
  Corazón: By the way, we killed your monkey.
  Jack: I can't believe you killed my monkey to get back at me.
  Corazón: We didn't know it was yours until we killed it.
  Jack: That's worse!
  Corazón: Well, technically, it was eaten by a robot snake.
• Corazón asks why Jack is trying to stop him, Corazón after all is trying to atone and break the curse. Hearing of atonement, Egbert takes notes.
• Jack, as it turns out, has a buyer for the map. The guild suspects it's Lord Milquetoast, but it's actually Liliana. She gives them a choice: Give the map or get a head start, and even teleports in the Joyful Damnation to make it sporting. They flee... not before Dob gives Crackson the cymbals... and then Corazón kicks Crackson in the crotch.

Story 37: "Sail of the Century"

• During introductions, Corazón explains why he has the name "Heart of a whale." He has had whale modifications, like external ear flaps. And a flat head. Egbert does too, but he is a dragon.
• Dob points out that Johnny has not set the size of scale for G'eth, so for all everyone knows, Corazón is the size of a car.
• Johnny, for their part, feels personally targeted by the whale talk.
• Johnny makes it clear that Jack Crackson was in disguise during the last episode. He definitely didn't have his voice retconned from "A Spot of Bother".
• As it turns out, Corazón's former pirate crew were actually cannibals as well. Egbert was confused, he'd never heard about it. Dob points out that Egbert should learn more context clues. Corazón adds that the Oxventurer's guild does look delicious. In fact, it's pretty hard to not want to eat them.
• Merilwen is not present: Johnny points out that she is with Panniers, offering marriage counseling inside the whale.
• Liliana has her own boat, the Inevitability. Johnny describes the clipper, and Prudence and Egbert mock that it's bigger than Corazón's. However, Corazón points out that the real point is the motion of the ocean...and the quality of your piracy.
• Since Liliana has given the group a head-start, Corazón decides to examine the Inevitability to see if any of the ship's supposed strengths can be used to Corazón's advantage. Johnny calls for a Wisdom roll, and wonders if Corazón has any sea-fearing skills that could be added. Since he's a pirate, this burn does not go unnoticed, and Johnny offers an apology inspiration.
• The roll actually goes well, and Johnny points out that the Inevitability is a very new, top-of-the-line ship. It even has a new boat smell. Johnny thinks the Guild should feel honored: Liliana clearly thinks much of them to shell out big bucks to try and have them killed.
• Dob's first plan to deal with the situation, naturally, is to fire himself out of a cannon.
• Dob comes up with a better plan: Egbert will use his Flame Breath to create a cloud of steam that will obscure the Joyful Damnation and get them safely away. Corazón dislikes the plan. Not that the plan is bad, but because Egbert's praise involved calling Dob "Master Dob" and there are no promotions without Corazón's say so.
• Corazón decides his part of the plan is to drink rum and inspire the crew. Johnny calls for a roll. Corazón gets a natural 20.
• As Dob is discussing his plan, Johnny reminds the guild they are scattered about the ship doing shipboard duties, like how Egbert is hanging off the stern making that cloud of steam, so it's delivered by shouting.
• The ship's cat considers Egbert insubordinate. And gets bad ideas.
• The next part of the plan involves some weapons, so Corazón heads down to the gun magazine...And notices Egbert has put his sleeping bag on top of a pile of gunpowder, because of course he has. There is also some mouldering leftover salsa from the time the Stag Lads were on the ship, and Egbert is criticized for not either eating it all or cleaning it up.
• Dob asks to construct a depth charge. And it's a great plan and nothing will deter him...like even knowing what a depth charge is.
• Dob then discusses mines, because he remembers them from their trip to Victor Dietrich's island estate. In fact it's the only thing he remembers. Apart from the acid.
• Corazón remarks that he remembers those mines, and could probably easily construct one from memory just by looking at the outside. Egbert points out he's been making bombs since he joined up with the Guild.
  Prudence: Being a bomb technician is more art than science.
  Corazón: It's really about the things you don't blow up.
• Egbert makes a mine due to a lucky roll...and tries to cajole getting mass production from it.
  Dob: Egbert, how is being an arms dealer working to your path of atonement?
• Egbert only makes 2 mines, so Prudence goes to get a map of the area to find the best place to lay the mines. However, Corazón's filing system is best described as "idiosyncratic"
  Egbert: Not the Dewey Decimal System?
  Dob: More like Boozy Decimal System.
• The group comes up with a plan: Dob will cast Major Illusion to make it look like coral is sticking up out of the ocean, so the Inevitability will steer to avoid and go right onto some real coral, where a depth charge will be laid.
  Prudence: The best part is...Merilwen isn't around and can't tell us we're wrecking a delicate eco-system.
• Rust on the Harbor returns, in Liliana's employ to kill everyone on the Joyful Damnation. However, because he likes the Oxventurers so much, he agrees to increasingly silly gimmes, including a promise to fight by Peter Pan rules." Eventually he just joins up.
• The discussion of Peter Pan rules devolves into a discussion of pita bread. Which because it has no yeast, never grows up.
  Egbert: Never-leavened land.
• Apparently, that pun was so bad they could hear Merilwen groaning from the whale.
• To beat Rust, Corazón draws his weapon...and throws two gold pieces at the same time. Because of Rust's nature, where he can't comprehend of more than one gold piece, Johnny has to make an Intelligence saving throw and fails.
• Corazón hires Rust for his normal price of one gold piece and makes him first mate. When Rust puts the coin away, it clinks against the coin Liliana gave him for being hired in the first place. Noticing that this might cause Rust's mind to break, Egbert distracts him with a big ball of twine.
• Since Rust was on the Inevitability, Dob asks if Rust saw any sea charts the crew might have had to give away the plan...and also asks if Liliana asks about him. Rust points out that yes, the crew does have charts, but no, Liliana never spoke of Dob. He quietly goes to sob by the cannons. Prudence goes to cheer him up...by asking if Dob was upset that Corazón made Rust first mate. He's not, but she is. All the while, Corazón and Rust are drinking and carousing.
• Prudence hopes the Egbert clones drown in the hold from their plan. Egbert gets confused because she considers this "ideal", Rust agrees and a discussion ensues where Prudence explains that when it comes to Egbert, less is more.
  Johnny: No Egberts, we're allowed one.
• To gain more speed against the Inevitability, Dob suggests throwing out the cannons. Corazón refuses, so Dob and Prudence decide to throw out everything in the captain's cabin. Egbert agrees, and also suggests that uppity ship's cat.
• Rust states that Egbert has a stout heart. Corazón corrects that that medical term is enlarged.
• Corazón decides the plan will be to put on the super-strength bracers and push the ship. The bracers work, but they have an annoying voice that keeps asking Corazón to register his bracers.
• Prudence approves of the plan, and tells Corazón to kick his heart out and swim. Egbert tells her not to, the bracers might be cursed and they'll take it literally.
• The bracers only have a 25% charge after doing that, and then asks Corazón if he wants to know the weather. He declines: He's not sure how you charge them and doesn't want to drain the battery.
• Dob decides to wreck the captain's cabin and put a big cannon there. Everyone else helps, even Rust, who takes a nap on Corazón's scattered clothing. Since Corazón isn't allowed to retcon setting traps in there, he takes one look at the carnage in his cabin...then opens a secret door to the real captain's cabin.
• Liliana sends two teams of two longboats each, with druids in them to use Create Water to make riverboats. However, one of them hits the mine trap. It scatters the boat and any survivors will be swimming. Egbert reminds that he created the mines with the Inevitability in mind, so Johnny amends it: There are no survivors.
• Dob demands to be thrown overboard, and only huffily allows Corazón to tie a rope to him with a proper knot. As he swings to the water, he casts Thunderwave to attack the other boat.
• Meanwhile, Johnny asks how Corazón is securing the other end of that rope. Corazón remarks that the sturdiest thing would be the captain's four-poster bed.
  Dob: I'm tied to Corazón's bed?
  Johnny: Tumblr goes wild!
• The Thunderwave works, because the saltwater makes it extra conductive...but Dob is not immune to his own spell, so Corazón hoists him up. All the while, the crew remarks how delicious Dob smells, and Corazón resolves to cover Dob in aluminum foil, so he'll still be warm later when they have time to eat.
• The 2nd group of druidic longboats approaches...and Johnny rolls a 2, so they hit the other mine. Johnny wonders if sailing through a cloud of red mist of their compatriot's blood would be some sort of disadvantage modifier...and then rolls a 20 for the other boat and promptly ignores it.
• Egbert asks if the Inevitability is in range. When the group talks about Egbert teleporting again, he reminds them that they are only thirty feet away. Which is a shame, because Corazón says Egbert could've teleported over, mooned Liliana, then teleported back. This causes conversation about how Merilwen mentioned that joke against a previous episode. Egbert casually mentions he has the Moonbeam spell as well. And when Jane thinks this is just Mike making a joke, he shows his spell card to prove he's actually serious. For a second there is silence. Then everyone else's brain breaks.
  Egbert: There's a lot you don't know about me.
  Johnny: I'm your GM!
• After switching sides Rust on the Harbor does very little during the chase besides nearly blow them all up with a mine. In the last leg, however, he starts running behind the Oxventerers cheerleading them whenever they do anything, which causes them to all start speaking French.

Story 38: "Brine and Punishment"

• The story starts about half a day after the last adventure with Lady Liliana. Corazón is spending his time trash talking, calling her ship the Evitablility or the Inevitability Losing to Corazón. As it turns out, the rest of the Guild is taking shifts listening to Corazón, and Dob is desperately trying not to fall asleep.
• Dob is waiting for Prudence to relieve him. But she isn't. Because she heard one pun, told Corazón that was his best and he'll never top it, then left.
• Merilwen returns to the guild, swimming up to the ship in octopus form, and shuts Corazón's mouth with two suckers.
• Rust-On-The-Harbor is still on the ship, notices the octopus, and attacks.
  Merilwen: It wasn't calamari. It was calamar-me!
  Dob: I go back to see Corazón
• Corazón fills Merilwen on the adventure that she missed. Including the part where she reveals that Egbert can cast Moonbeam. She is affronted, and Corazón tries to walk it back, but then Egbert decides to do a bluff and make it look like Corazón can cast the spell. This is a contested roll, and Merilwen loses, making her believe it. The Moonbeam, meanwhile, kills a school of mackarel.
• While adventuring the group sees an abandoned or possibly ghost ship...and nearly falls of the edge of the world. It's not a flat world, but Egbert biffs and thinks that it is.
• Corazón and Rust take one look at the ghost ship and think one thing: Plunder. Prudence is quite happy to do it, but Corazón bounces like a kid in a candy store.
• Corazón shoots a harpoon on the ghost ship to tether it to the Joyful Damnation. This is important because according to pirate law, any abandoned ship is considered a ghost ship and may be freely plundered, unless the ship is tethered to another ship. Johnny adds that Corazón could stick a coaster on top of the ship and no one will touch it.
• Egbert gets on the ship carefully, and everyone is surprised. Merilwen, still sore over Moonbeam, gets on sulky.
• Once on the ship, Egbert diverts from the "plunder" idea to look for snacks. And rolls a Natural 20, so he bashes through a wall like a Kool-Aid man, finds a fully stocked galley with lots of food that preserved and edible, including an enormous barrel of pickles. He dunks Seal Gaiman into the pickles.
• Prudence and Corazón look for the captain's cabin: Pirate law states anyone who gets in it first is the new cabin due to pirate law. They roll, and Prudence loses. She looks for suspicious Grease.
• Dob and Merilwen have gone below decks, where it is quite dark. Not to worry, as they both have Darkvision. Merilwen takes the moment to troll that Corazón doesn't have that, but then Johnny absently comments that such is the reason he took Moonbeam as a spell. Which sends her back to sulking.
• Dob and Merilwen search the hold, and find it full of a few moderately valuable trade goods like silks and spices. But there are also weapons, blood, and the signs of battle, however, there aren't any corpses. Dob asks if they should get a closer look. Merilwen's response? Bail.
• In the captain's quarters, there is also the signs of battle, so Corazón and Prudence do a CSI: Ocean montage while swirling brandies. When Merilwen shows up to talk about the hold and all the blood, they reflect that the brandy needs some blood in it,
• Seal Gaiman has eaten so many pickles that he can't get out of the barrel. Johnny remarks that Egbert will need help to get rid of him: Egbert just unscrews him.
• Corazón asks for some flour, because that could be useful as fingerprint powder. Johnny remarks that they're pulling an inspiration multi-ball
• While searching, Corazón finds the ship's manifest, which claims it was full of gold, silver, jewels, exotic animals and other valuable cargo. But that isn't what Dob and Merilwen found. Also, a gigantic barrel of pickles.
  Egbert: Not anymore.
• Dob enters Detective Mode: The captain's log mentions a possibly mutiny but there were too few to actually help. So either they converted crew, found outside help, or rolled a crit on a mutiny roll.
• Prudence runs a Detect Magic, and finds the most magical thing on board is Seal Gaiman. And some magical linens, which she's absolutely taking to the next port to make a linen suit. Johnny writes that down, and remarks that those are the sorts of lore points they mention.
• Dob goes to Mystery Solving 101: He looks for a rat. And he finds one addicted to tobacco.
• The Guild is coming up with ways to talk to the rat, Corazón comes up with his own theory: Time travel.
• Prudence begins to piece together the clues: The ship was running an insurance fraud scam: The gold and silver on the manifest weren't on the ship. The plan was to scuttle the ship and claim the money. Corazón, despite all his greed, is offended. Because insurance fraud is lazy and boring.
• There was a survivor of the carnage according to the rat: Some fish people took him underwater. The Guild resolves to rescue him. Rust doesn't like water and refuses, and Corazón asks him to stay on the ship so the Damnation isn't considered a ghost ship under pirate law. For his service, Rust can have a few things from the mini-bar, Captain's Cabin F, and if he wants the robe, he keeps it and it's added to the bill.
• A sahaugin fish monster is watching the group. It speaks in the language, which is fleshy squashy noises. Corazón casts Comprehend Languages in enough time to realize the sahaugin is going to switch to common. Johnny points out there's no reason he can't be in sahaugin, and Dob really wants to hear those fleshy groans.
• Corazón asks the sahaugin about the prisoner. Dob is confused because he's not sure why they want to rescue the prisoner. Corazón interrupts to say he doesn't know, but it felt like a group decision so he's going along.
• Prudence tries to explain the insurance fraud scam to Dob. As it turns out, he does understand, but he does find the concept confusing, since all the gold and silver is supposed to go to the bottom of the sea anyway.
• Egbert suggests that rescuing this survivor, Puckett, is a good idea because it's the right thing to do, but Prudence remarks that he's in on the insurance fraud. Merilwen isn't so certain because a fight broke out and it's not clear which side Puckett was on. Prudence huffs, because SOMEONE needs to be suffering.
• As the adventure begins, Merilwen casts Water Breathing. Dob is sad, because he thought the sahaugin would kiss them to give them the ability.
• While this happens, Dob gives the rat to Rust because he's a star witness...then realizes what he's done and casts Prestigidation to make him taste like earwax.
• After negotiating Puckett's release, the group swims up. Dob wants to go slow to avoid the bends. Corazón pulls a ripcord on his trousers and quickly ascends, failing a Constitution check to make one of his eyes bloodshot. No one tells him about it,
• With Puckett secure, the rat is interrogated again. But by the way it confesses, Corazón thinks it sings like a canary.
• Rust is about to eat the rat, and Egbert orders him to drop it. Rust gets some pork instead. It's heavily salted, but Johnny says not to worry: A cat's kidneys are so good, they can hydrate on sea water.
• While the group discusses how to make Revelstoke, the insurance scammer, how to confesses, Johnny constantly mispronounces Puckett as Plunkett. And can just see the infographic now.
• Part of Puckett's release was contingent on getting the ghost ship out of the sahaugin's water, which is considered holy. It's easy to fix, a few Mending spells handle it, but it needs to be steered. Merilwen suggests the skeletons, and Dob isn't sure because they ask for a steep price. But Merilwen's sad because she no longer feels special, so he summons them.
• As it turns out, the skeletons immediately set about making Merilwen feel good, pampering her, giving her a makeover. And then they exact their price: They give her bad bangs.
• Getting the skeletons to commandeer both the Damnation and the ghost ship is a different price: They power-bomb Puckett for every nautical mile of travel, they kill albatrosses and sea turtles, forcing the guild to wear them. They also drive the ghost ship to crash into the harbor, but that was the Guild's own fault: They said to sail the ship to the port, not stop and safely dock it. They also burn down another ship in the harbor, just because.
• The Guild discusses their plan to get Revelstoke to confess: Johnny's head is in their hand when Prudence gets the idea to kidnap the magistrate. Merilwen has a slightly better plan with pretending to be a sea god, but then it's altered to make the Guild disguise themselves as the ghosts of the crew he betrayed.
• While the Guild discusses this, Rust signs on with another crew, and gives a lovely letter. And remarks they'll never guess how much money the new crew paid them.
• After the story ends and Revelstoke confesses thanks to some Ham and Cheese performance from Dob and Corazón, Egbert picks up the rat and thanks it. He casts Speak with Animals to do it. Merilwen is not impressed.

Story 39: "High Moon"

• The story opens with introductions, and Merilwen is still salty that someone else, namely Egbert, can talk to animals.
• How does Prudence's transformation into a werebear begin? With eating an entire tavern's worth of nachos, of course! That's not hyperbole either. People are taking bets on how many plates she's eaten.
• The adventure completely derails when Johnny explains that in the fantasy world of G'eth, guacamole doesn't cost extra.
• A strange woman named Jamila offers assistance to Prudence, but this confuses Corazón: Prudence clearly needs no help eating the nachos.
• Prudence decides go with Jamila, but gives instructions to the group on what happens if she's not back in 5 minutes...which results in immediately agreeing with Egbert when he suggests that Prudence would be killing and/or eating Jamila. She then leaves...and takes some nachos to go.
• Jamila talks about what's going on: She knows Prudence is transforming and offers some assistance if Prudence can help her: There's a gang of werewolves coming into town riding on hogs^note common slang for a motorcycle, but Johnny means the actual farm animal. Apparently, the leader's name is Wolfgang, which Prudence immediately declares that to be a murderable offense.
• Back in the tavern, Merilwen, after having witnessed Prudence's whole eating thing, orders nachos for herself, and tanks a Constitution save and starts to feel ill. Corazón and Dob know exactly how to help: More jalapenos, and then a milkshake blended with orange juice.
• Once the werewolf gang enters the tavern, Dob tries to be cool. And fails.
• Dob and Corazón challenge the werewolf, starting by trying to come up with a cooler name than the werewolf gang: the Howling Moons. They have a sidebar conversation...right in front of the werewolves.
• The gang members of the Howling Moons have classical music composers: Wolfgang^note Mozart's first name, and Johannes Sebastian Baark. Immediately, Corazón declares his name Francois Chopin and starts making chopping motions with his cutlass. Egbert and Merilwen follows by calling themselves Beathoven and Straminsky respecitively, because she'll mince you.
  Merilwen: I'll show you the Rite of Spring.
• Dob declares that finding the coolest gang can be easily solved with a hog race. Egbert wastes no time casting Find Steed and creating Pigbert to beat their hog.
  Corazón: Please don't say beat our hog.
• When the werewolves order nachos, the publican explains that Prudence ate them all. This begins a bar brawl. Corazón then critical attacks Wolfgang with a chair.
• Egbert meanwhile, is quite excited to use Pigbert in battle...and then is told Animal Handling is a Wisdom skill. But he settles for turning some cool donuts.
• Merilwen begins to ask innocent questions about the construction of the tavern, if it has a cellar and the flooring...and then she casts Stone Shape trapping half the gang.
• The gang attacks: Prudence is stabbed, but Dob and Corazón are missed. That doesn't stop Dob from going in the fetal position.
• Corazón meanwhile, uses Rakish Audacity with another chair. And does nearly 25 points of damage with it. Wolfgang is crippled by this, so the gang retreats. Immediately, though, Dob runs outside and tips over their hogs, knocking them over like dominos.
• Prudence reveals the truth about being a werebear. Corazón thinks it's cool to have someone who can turn into that. Merilwen just shakes her head.
• Prudence, meanwhile, wants nothing to do with being a werebear: They are actually Good creatures. And has to break it to Egbert. But she does compliment him on figuring out about how the gang were werewolves. Egbert responds the name and their howling gave it away.
• Prudence is actually interesting in being a cool werewolf. Dob responds that there's nothing cooler than asking friends for her. She nearly kills him.
• Frankie, Jamila's partner, shows up to the pub and asks about all the pig urine. Egbert sheepishly points out Pigbert.
• Jamila is concerned when Prudence says murder: The werewolf gang are just loudmouth jerks, and the worse they do is eat livestock. Prudence, however, is very eager to point out murder: In fact, the bar brawl not entering in murder was weirdly different.
• Egbert wonders if the werewolves could be domesticated to pee in the garden.
• A plot is conceived: Prudence as a werebear will duel Wolfgang the werewolf. And the loser has to stop being a jerk. Prudence is concerned about what will happen if she loses.
• Frankie takes the group to her hideout. On the way, they pass Corazón's new ship, under repair after the skeletons destroyed it. Seal Gaiman is there, barking happily. Prudence suggests that this new ship have Seal Gaiman on the prow. Naturally, though, Egbert demands he be in a Seashell Bra.
• There is a little time before the duel, so Dob asks Merilwen if she can offer pointers for fighting as a bear. The training montage is treated like training attack dogs. Johnny remarks that they can no longer judge after making a pun about learning the "bare necessities" of fighting...until Merilwen calls the training a "grizzly" scene.
• Dob delivers the duel message to the gang...and sees some of the new pledges outside, cleaning the hogs with pig wax. Dob chats up the guy...and rolls a natural 20. And Dob gets a helpful list of werewolf weaknesses, like silver and magic. Egbert declares he'll melt some silver and give Prudence a silver manicure. However, Frankie points out that silver hurts werebears as well. So Egbert is pressed into using magic spells. And never stops complaining. He does offer a blessing to help Prudence fight...but of course, those feel icky to an evil creature like Prudence.
• Corazón suggests using the silver to make silver arrows, since Merilwen's a talented archer, and Dob can make the arrows invisible. So they need to create an arena that's conducive to this. Merilwen says not to worry, they can use the sand, it's nature's Etch-A-Sketch. By which she means Etch Aaron Sketch, G'eth's best known artist. Until an earthquake destroyed his work.
• Prudence carbs up before the fight on pulled pork nachos. Pigbert's eyes are covered.
• Since the group has already agreed to cheat, Dob tells Prudence if things are going poorly, brush up against him, and he will surrepitiously heal her. Prudence asks for some healing first, since she was injured by the bar brawl earlier. Dob agrees...then he rolls a 1, then he drops his dice.
  Dob: I'm here to help!
• The group rolls initiative for the brawl, and Corazón gets massive bonuses. So much that Johnny rues the day Andy learned to read. So he decides to use an invisible mage hand to throw ground up silver powder in Wolfgang's face.
• The werewolves, meanwhile, are choreographing a dance routine. It's so bad once of the werewolves dies.
• Prudence declares she will circle-strafe...then asks what the real world term for circle strafing is. It's sidestep...so Prudence returns to calling it circle strafing.
• Prudence nails Wolfgang and brings him to 0 HP with her massive boosts to attack, and puts him in a submission hold. Prudence describes how a bear uses this: Holding the jaw open like she's one step away from ripping it in two. Dob remarks that's a submission hold for anyone.
• Wolfgang submits and the gang agrees to leave, but asks if they stay one more night since Egbert catered the fight. Everyone agrees and has a great time.
• Corazón asks Prudence, after seeing that strength, if she still wants to remove her werebear curse. Prudence is still in bear form and can't talk...So Corazón immediately "casts" Speak with Animals, since apparently anyone can do it.
• Frankie remarks that it's a good thing Prudence wants to remain a werebear: The guy who would be casting those spells is a ponderous wizard. It's Binbag, so Corazón declares Prudence will be a bear and like it.

Story 40: "Crawl Me Maybe"

• Corazón starts the introduction attempting to rhyming it, but only gets two before he's talking about cheese. Everyone else, naturally joins in. Johnny points out that, as they're literally everyone else in the world, a good portion of them is lactose intolerant, and more are vegans, so they're cranky and at war with themself. Prudence hates cheese, but makes an exception for Edam, because it has "dam" in it. And a waxy coating.
• Corazón asks Prudence to bite him, so he can also be a tormented werebear. Deciding the last thing the group needs is for Corazón to be more tormented, Dob distracts him by throwing their gold in a wishing well.
• Corazón asks how lunar phases work in G'eth, so he looks at the moon through his telescope...forgetting that it's day and he just looked at the sun.
• A man rushes up to the group, and nearly collapses in exhaustion. Merilwen decides to cast Create Water as a refreshing mist. And Dob remarks how easy it would be to drown someone if she made a cube of water.
• As it turns out, this man is Bob, whom Prudence contacted with message when she tried to send a long distance one to Dob in "Watch Out!" The rest of the group sans Prudence talk about what to do... so Bob has an awkward conversation about crops.
• Corazón doesn't want to take Bob with them on an adventure: There's traps and deadly monsters in adventuring. But Prudence offers counterpoints: Bob is useful ballast, and a counterweight. And Dob remarks that he could also be a source of spare blood. Even better, it eventually comes out that Prudence is only offering these options - at Bob's obvious expense - because she doesn't want to admit she messed up a spell.
• Corazón believes that adventuring is shown by constantly doing the splits.
• Dob asks if Bob could use a spell of healing. Bob picks up a piece of paper and spells the word "healing"
  Dob: Still better than Egbert.
• Dob then decides to ask if Bob likes helping people, which he does. Egbert then mentions all the time they try to help people and get run out of town on a rail, and Dob has to cover his mouth.
• Bob remarks that if there's one thing he knows about adventurers, it's that they love dungeon crawls. Corazón asks if Bob might know where a dungeon is. Bob points out there was a door in a mountain with rubies on it, so it seemed kind of treasure-ly. It's also Corazón needs to hear.
• The group agrees to go to Bob's dungeon. Dob gives Bob a dagger. He slashes like a child at play. Prudence backs away.
• Dob offers to give Bob any magical bows they find in the dungeon. Merilwen gets miffed because she never got the magic bow that Egbert dumped off a tower and it got taken by some kids. Dob tells her that's lame, and the next time someone asks about the bow, she should say a dragon ate it.
• Bob's door does indeed have rubies in it. And a Dwarven inscription. Fortunately, Corazón can cast Comprehend Languages, and it works on written words. However, he decides to be as elaborate as possible to impress Bob. The runes are actually mundane: It identifies this place as a mine, but because the mine is dry, it's officially classified as a dungeon. But Corazón declares it says only handsome and powerful sorcerers can read them.
• Before they enter the dungeon, Prudence declares they should take the rubies out of the door, because it's easy profit. Corazón agrees, but wants to check for traps first. There are none, and he gets offended by this.
• Prudence biffs the roll to get the rubies, so Corazón and Merilwen decide to have a go. Egbert's cool with it, but Dob isn't. He checks the door to see if there are other sockets to put rubies in.
  Johnny: That's classic Dob.
• Dob declares they don't need to use the door, because it's a mine. So he digs straight down...using his rapier because he doesn't have a shovel.
• Bob is asked to hold a torch, and is instructed that you hold the end that isn't on fire.
• Egbert enters the dungeon first, and rolls an investigation roll. He botches it and declares the room to be made of diamond. Corazón has to explain to Bob how improper adventuring can rot the mind.
• This room is full of statues, and Corazón is convinced they'll come to life if you touch them. Prudence scans with magic...and it's revealed that it's true. Bob and Dob have to be physically held back from touching them.
• At the door to the next room, Corazón thinks that it's probably trapped, so they need someone to test it...and realize Bob looks like a canary. There are in fact tons of pressure plates in the room. Corazón explains to Bob what they are, and shows them by throwing a rock to hit a pressure plate in the far end of the room. All the while, Egbert hopes it's not a trap with poison gas.
• Bob asks why there are traps, and Prudence explains: It's to keep treasure secure, and keep nasty beasts inside. And she's not sure which is the case here.
• After witnessing an arrow trap in action, Bob remarks that such feats of engineering could be used to better the lives of the peasantry. Prudence counters that maybe the builders of this place really liked killing. But Corazón says if they wanted that, they could just take out a knife and start stabbing. Prudence points out that this is more fun.
• There is a chest of gold in the trapped room, so Corazón uses Mage Hand to unlock the chest and scoop out the gold carefully. Merilwen wonders if someone could teleport while looking at Egbert. Egbert just sighs wistfully and says it would be nice if someone could.
• Dob, meanwhile, is sad because Bob isn't getting an authentic dungeon crawl with Corazón's tricks, so he begins to backflip towards the chest.
  Dob: All you need is Dex-ter-it—
  Johnny: You take an arrow to the ribs.
• Bob steps on a trap, but when damage is rolled, he only takes a 1. Johnny describes this as a malfunctioning trap...then Prudence brings up the possibility of tetanus.
• Still wanting to impress Bob, Corazón casts Disguise Self to turn into a cat. However, that spell keeps arrangements of limbs, so instead, Corazón looks like he's in the Cats film. Which upsets everyone.
• Corazón expertly picks a lock and falls into a pit. Johnny casually recites a bit from 'Macavity' when describing Corazón's lockpicking; nobody is expecting it and everyone cracks up.
• The next room is full of bioluminescent trees. Since there's no light for photosynthesis, Merilwen casts Speak with Plants and finds out they are actually mycelium^note the vegetative part of a mushroom. Merilwen says that it's okay, these are fun-guys. Egbert face palms.
• The mycelium describe what's coming up in the dungeon: Lots of bees. Corazón is upset at this, and Egbert remarks that he was fine with the Beeples until now. Dob feels bad too: Sleeping in the wilderness is just getting hit in the face by bees.
• Bees are weak to smoke, so Dob asks for some Grease from Corazón's glands. Corazón asks for privacy.
• Dob manages to smoke away the bees and not light any of the mycelium on fire. And then realizes that this is the extremely low bar for success everyone gives him.
• The mycelium, still connected to Merilwen, say that if they hadn't done that, the bees would've killed them, and the mycelium would have eaten the corpses, because they make great substrate. Merilwen tries to relay this to the group, but Corazón and Bob, since they can't hear the mycelium, think she's talking about the bees eating the corpse.
• The next room has a lion statue by the entrance, a talking statue. He thinks it's touching that the group talks to him, but he's nothing special. Just the talking lion statue in the room where everyone burns to death. Merilwen names the statue Bernie.
• The next room has fiery globes precariously balanced on ceiling beams over the the floor which is covered in oil. Since oil floats on water, Create Water wouldn't keep the fire from igniting the oil. So Prudence decides to put everyone in a safety sack and let her cast Spider Climb on the strongest party member (Egbert). Everyone argues about clumsy Dob in the safety sack.
• The next room is the treasure vault. Merilwen checks out the bows and finds they are all of middling quality. Corazón swims in an ocean of coins, and Egbert searches for atonement. And sadly doesn't find it.
• There is a magical fountain that radiates arcane power. Prudence wants to drink it, but Dob doesn't let her because he thinks power should be earned. But then Prudence points out she's a warlock: She gets power from C'thulhu. And then drinks the power.
• She only gets a sip before she is paralyzed, and then her evil orb drinks the rest. This plunges the room into darkness, so Bob casts Moonbeam to see. He doesn't, Johnny just made a joke, but it was worth it to see Merilwen's face.
• Drinking her little bit of the fountain does grant Prudence some power: During level ups, she'll get a Level 2 spell. Egbert tells her he hopes the spell was worth it now that the evil orb has drunk the power...and then he tells her Moonbeam is a level 2 spell and she should get it.

Story 41: "Sphere We Go"

• Upon introductions, Merilwen does some clawing motions, since she's sometimes a cat. Egbert is confused to how those are different from a bear. Merilwen shows him the difference. He says fair enough, but she thinks he said bear enough. He didn't, but she can pretend he did.
• Johnny explains the story so far: Prudence drank a magical font and gained magic. It's the worst lesson to learn, but it happened.
• Drinking that magic font gave Prudence a new spell: Banish. Which can send someone to another plane. Corazón reminds her that she always liked him. Dob, meanwhile, says that if she banishes him, she also has to banish Egbert. It only works for a minute, though, so it is immediately considered like Seven Minutes in Heaven.
  Corazón: (to Dob and Egbert) Stop baiting Tumblr, you two.
• The evil orb sucked up the remainder of the magic, and Corazón asks about it. Prudence reminds him of the time it sucked in a minotaur.
  Corazón: Oh, you robbed that guy too.
• The orb turned itself into more of a puzzle box. Dob immediately goes up to check it, but before he does, Corazón immediately warns him not to lick it.
  Dob: Why do you always assume I'm going to lick something?
  Prudence: Experience.
  Dob: Right. That's fair.
• Dob succeeds in his roll.
  Johnny: Be honest, Dob, are you going to lick it?
  Dob: Looking at my roll, yes.
• As it turns out, it tastes like blue raspberry.
  Egbert: Ugh, the fakest of all flavors.
• Corazón takes a look at the orb. After all, he was President of Puzzle Soc at Lord Poshington's Academy for Posh Little Lords.
• Egbert is forced to admit that while the rest of the Guild knew Seal Gaiman was Victor Dietrich, he did repeatedly poke him with the cursed mace until he became a seal.
• Seal Gaiman, talking to Merilwen via spell, is quick to point out Egbert, but Egbert counters that Victor left out he was raising an alarm.
  Corazón We were trying to steal from him.
• Despite everything however, Victor likes being a seal: He gets all the Scotch eggs he wants, he never has to talk to people, and seals are supposed to be rotund.
• As the group turns back to the orb, Johnny calls for a common knowledge roll. Egbert biffs it, and he chalks it up to being busy trying to feed Seal Gaiman. Seal Gaiman tells Merilwen to end the spell, because he doesn't want his thoughts broadcast while he's eating.
• As it turns out, the orb is missing some pieces. The first is held in notorious prison Alcataz. That's where they hold the people for crimes like littering.
  Egbert: Ugh, scum of the earth.
• The prison is run by the Astor family. Ellen doesn't survive.
  • And of course, despite playing a character with no known interaction with them, Andy can't help but quietly badmouth the Astor family whenever he can.
• After showing the group the first missing piece, the orb condenses into a ball with three holes. Prudence immediately thinks to go bowling.
• Dob wonders if breaking into a prison is criminal or anti-criminal.
• The group plans to break into Alcataz, but Corazón points out a problem: No one gets out.
  Dob: We're trying to get in, not out.
  Corazón: We have to get out when we're done.
  Dob: Dammit! Corazón, you're always two steps ahead.
• Corazón then points out the more obvious problems: Why are they accepting a quest from an evil doomsday orb? Prudence points out that if there's going to be an evil doomsday orb, you want it to owe you a favor. Dob, however, picks up the orb and points out that the missing pieces form a sad face.
• Corazón wants to run an Arcana check on the orb. Prudence tries to race him and do one of her own, and gets a Critical Failure. All she learns is: Orb Magic, Prudence Want Open Orb.
• No one else comes up with a better idea against Corazón's questioning of taking the quest.
  Dob: Why anything, Corazón?
  Egbert: What else is going on.
  Corazón: Continuing to exist in a world not destroyed by an evil doomsday orb?
  Egbert: Doesn't sound that important.
• Corazón's Arcana check passes, and he learns that this is a vessel from some of the first magic users,
  Corazón: This is something that would be bad if it fell into the wrong hands. I'm not saying we're the right hands.
  Dob: Everyone watching thinks it's in the wrong hands, Corazón.
• Prudence clinches the deal: Corazón can use the magic of the orb to learn better forms of Grease.
• The group needs to leave the dungeon before they can do anything with Alcataz. As this is the end of the dungeon, Dob looks for a switch to take them back to the entrance. There is one.
• Because the random schmuck Bob is still with them, Dob tries to use reverse psychology to get him to look after Seal Gaiman while the group goes to Alcataz. This ends up going so poorly Dob ends up on seal duty. Bob tries to help the group get into the prison by chucking throwing knives at an old lady. This mystifies Prudence, Bob was never that evil. Johnny describes it as how a magnet will distort a compass, so has the Guild distorted Bob. Eventually, Dob casts Sleep and the group departs, not before leaving a note for Bob. And Dob remarks that he's sadder now than when he mulched those orphans.
• Dob and Merilwen decide to get themselves arrested by attacking the rest of the group right after they pass the test to become prison guards. Unfortunately, because of Mike's poor Wisdom roll, Egbert thinks he's actually being attacked. Also, Dob ends up opening the "assault" by full-on socking Prudence in the face.

Story 42: "Epic Jail"

• Andy's recap of "Sphere We Go" specifies that the took up the quest to reconstruct the doomsday orb "for reasons that made sense at the time."
  Andy: Also, Dob and Merilwen are prisoners now! Let's see how that goes.
• They've started defaulting to re-conveying information with just, "Square brackets: What Johnny said."
• When Corazón proposes to one of the guards that he could be "Thighs" and hit people with chicken thighs, Johnny just looks at him blankly and has the guard say, "I don't like it, no."
• Corazón is just really desperate to get nicknamed Thighs.
• Dob is really enthused by the prospect of the whole prison's power supply going down when they grab the artefact.
• Johnny takes yet another swing at Egbert destroying the bow so long ago by commenting that among the prisoners' equipment, there is "one bow: nice, but not as nice as it could be if you'd found a better one recently." Ellen chuckles.
• Dob casts speak with dead on some bones in the corner and bonds with the spirit over hating Drumsticks the guard specifically.
• While discussing the denizens of the prison, the dead prisoner says, in an incredibly blase tone, "There's also a big cannibal man. Incidentally, that's how I died," before going into detail on how the big cannibal man goes berserk if he isn't given what amount to chicken nuggets shaped like people, AKA "breaded man-shapes".
  Dead Prisoner: He ate 60 of his cellmates before they had the idea to give him his own cell.
• The NPC guards are not hired for their intelligence.
  Guard: My last companion died.
  Egbert: What of?
  Guard: Death.
  Egbert: ...Got it. I'll keep an eye out for it.
• The guards take pride in denying Corazón his nickname by calling him "Hungry For Chicken" and Prudence "Silent but Pointy".
• Corazón patiently explains to Prudence that it might be a good idea to endear themselves to the prisoners instead of relentlessly bullying them, so in the eventual riot they do not get murdered.
• Dob curries favour with Corazón by calling him "Thighs".
• "This guy told us about you!" - Merilwen, pointing to a pile of bones in the corner.
• Dob stabs himself just as they realise that there probably isn't an infirmary.
• As the jailbreak starts to get underway, Johnny cuts to Egbert, who is stuck hearing an endless string of stories from Drumsticks about how there was a prisoner who was really smart so Drumsticks hit him. Egbert ends up tricking Drumsticks into a cell, locking the door behind him, and leaving before he notices.
  Johnny: In retrospect, yes, I should have seen that coming.
• Johnny then cranks up the mayhem by specifying that the cell Drumsticks is locked in has a very large prisoner, and a floor covered in beaten pewter plates, all of them covered in a fine dust of breadcrumbs...and then has to tell Egbert that it's okay, accidentally locking a bullying guard in a cell with a cannibal the size of a small house has absolutely no bearing on his atonement.
  Jane: Do we hear a distant scream, or -
  Johnny: Just a crunching noise.
  Ellen: Drumsticks became drumsticks!
• As they go deeper into the prison, they find more and more pools of blood. Prudence can only comment that they're a slipping hazard.
• They find Hella, another prisoner they were told about, who's either psychic or travels through time, and is more and more obviously an Affectionate Parody and Lawyer-Friendly Cameo of Max Caulfield as Johnny says more about her.
  • She was locked up for choosing Bae over Bay.
  • At one point she admits to sounding like a middle aged Frenchman was writing her dialogue.
  • Johnny preempts a lot of the usual beats of the OXventurers interactions with their NPCs by suggesting Hella already had the conversation and rewound time (which another character points out actually makes her come across as a little creepy).
  • When Hella is let out, she says, in the least enthused voice you've ever heard, "That's totally rad-tastical, and no, I will not go to the theatre and watch the performing apes with you."
  Dob: How about The Tempest? Do you like the classics?
  Hella: That's more my ex-girlfriend's vibe.
• One of the prisoners, upon hearing that Sully is out, just steps back into his cell and locks the door.
• In the finest tradition of D&D players, the next step in the plan is to yeet themselves down the central staircase, pretending to have been thrown by the prisoners, and use feather fall to avoid dying horribly.
  Egbert: How many people can you feather fall?
  Corazón: We'll worry about it at the bottom, Egbert.
  Dob: We're having this conversation on the way down.
  Prudence: Wheeeeee - I mean, aaaaaaah!
• Sully is eventually revealed to be "Sulpigius, the Scourge of Man, the most powerful necromancer you've ever seen!" Corazón is unimpressed.
• They have a lot of trouble convincing Sully that Team Prison Guard aren't real guards. Eventually Dob just defects to his side, then immediately tries to choke him out with a 21.
• Johnny bemoans their luck after rolling for initiative.
  Johnny: (sarcastically) "The world's levelled up, they're much much harder!" One.
  • The entire ensuing combat encounter. The previous, combined with Sully's whopping eight (with only Prudence and his own zombies going after him), result in - yet again - luck and circumstances completely ruining Johnny's attempt at a difficult combat encounter. Johnny is not happy, especially since they then immediately biff a roll to resist Eggbert's Command spell for the villain to surrender.
  Johnny: "It's happening again!"
• Luke knows how to communicate to the rest of the Guild.
  Luke: Be a good DPS and clear the adds.
• Ellen gets some payback after the endless rounds of infringing on her niche protection.
  Ellen: Instead of a wall of wind, it's a wall of fire.
  Johnny: Take that, Egbert!
• Merilwen's fire wall deals 20 damage to all the zombies within it...and Johnny reluctantly admits that the zombies have exactly twenty hit points. By this point, Johnny has just completely given up.
• "It's not our fault we're instinctive combat geniuses!" - Luke, a man whose character has such a reputation for casting area spells without checking where all his allies are that they literally sell shirts about it
• Andy eats a second chicken thigh as a bonus action.
• When Dob lets go of Sully and backs up, it's pointed out that there's a wall of fire behind him, and Luke jokes about disappearing into it like Homer into the hedge. Johnny duly inflicts 20 points of fire damage.
• Prudence tries to make Sully deactivate all the "necro-dudes". It's pointed out that they've been deactivated already.
• Sully makes a We Can Rule Together offer to Prudence, who asks the most pertinent question: how attractive is Sully?
  Sully: Eye of the beholder! I used to date a beholder...
• When they plunge the prison into darkness, Prudence starts a round of high-fives for Team Darkvision.
  Corazón: You just high-five me in the face, 'cause I don't see it.

Story 43: "Escaped Crusaders"

• Johnny sets the scene: They are in the bottle of the prison, surrounded by cooked reanimated dead. And singed Dob, who winces.
• The Doomsday Orb is given the first piece and shows where the second one is: In a dense jungle called the Tangle. Immediately, Corazón perks up, because he remembers reading stories that this is where the Court of the Thief Queen was held. Johnny points out that her costume sells out really well at Halloween. Dob asks what it is, and Corazón describes it as a lockpick for a head, two crowbars for arms, bags of loot for legs, and a face as a money symbol. Obviously, she's not outrunning anyone.
• Egbert remarks the Thief Queen sounds as fake as ghosts.
• Corazón is happy to go on this quest: The Thief Queen Court would've have lots of loot, more than anyone could spend. Except maybe Dob.
• The group is having this conversation about the Tangle and the Thief Queen at breakneck speed as Dob looks for an airship to escape the prison from.
• Since the group is running, Corazón offers chicken thighs for the energy boost. Egbert remarks he can't after Drumsticks.
• Dob asks for some healing from Egbert, but he's not so sure because the group is being more diligent about their spell slots. Corazón offers to help by sticking chicken thighs in Dob's wounds, which get all infected. Prudence, meanwhile, pulls all of the clothes from Dob's flesh, making them look more like a hospital gown. Egbert decides to heal him, as a birthday and Christmas present.
• The airship the group wants is in the air, so Dob fires a flare cannon. He hits the ship and it explodes.
• Dob explains that this was his plan all along. And Corazón is living in the past for wanting to use the perfectly serviceable airship from before.
• Dob sees a ship in the harbor, and readies another cannon shot flare, but it loads like a cannon, so fortunately, everyone is safe.
• Prudence and Corazón improvise a plan. They will cast Feather Fall on the group, and use Egbert's flame breath as jet propulsion. It fails, only because Corazón used his spell slots on Feather Fall earlier.
• Corazón has Merilwen use her bow to create a zipline. He does fine, but Prudence, Egbert, and Merilwen harm themselves with failed rolls. Merilwen needed to learn to properly tuck her knees.
  Corazón: If you're done maiming yourself...
• Corazón decides to go to the wreckage, claiming to be part of a recovery crew, as he's still dressed as a guard. The roll goes okay, so the guard thinks it's a setup Corazón set up to get promoted. Prudence realizes the guy wants a bribe, so she tells him that...forgetting that she used Corazón's actual name. And so, she Eldritch blasts the hapless fellow.
• Dob joins in to cast Sleep on the guards. Egbert and Corazón decide to search the wreckage. Corazón finds helpful tools, but Egbert finds a musical instrument that Le Vauche Mauve says he should play to celebrate. After a few more rounds, the deity says he should only celebrate big moments.
• Dob pretends this was his plan all along.
• Prudence wonders where Seal Gaiman was during the prison scenario. He apparently found his way to the galley and is face-first in the stew kettle.
• Corazón runs the motorboat ragged and destroys it as they reach the Tangle. The group wonders how many ships Corazón has destroyed, and Corazón brings up the ship of Theseus.
• Johnny rolls checks for the jungle heat. Corazón and Merilwen fail, and the dry heat does the two no favours with their hair. Prudence rolls well: An insect tries to bite her, bursts into flames, and the other insects learn.
• There is actually a Thief Queen's court, and there are rules for entry: A flat fee for the first time, then a tithe. Individually are yearly tithes, but organizations are quarterly. Dob is quick to point out the group legalese, while the group is a guild, tithes are on an individual basis. Also, he and Corazón are married.
• Dob remarks he's been accused of hiding his assets off-shore. Egbert passes off last year as a loss. Johnny calls for a tax evasion roll, and all three men pass.
• Prudence pays, however, she's very diligent about her taxes. Merilwen just siphones off the boys's money to pay for hers.
• Before going further, the group stops by a store to pick up some conditioner. As they leave, the group is held at spearpoint. Corazón claims he paid for his conditioner...only for bottles to fall out of his pockets.

Oxventure in Space! # 3

• Corazón is now smuggling Rigellian ultra-testicles, and warns his crew to stay out of the cupboards.
• The story begins with the crew detecting a strange smell inside the Aspera. The fact that they can smell it through all the coconut shrimp means it must be serious.
• Egbot investigates the smell and finds a number of large oval objects hidden inside the Aspera's walls. The ensuing conversation leaves Ellen in tears.
  Egbot: Are these your testicles?
  Corazón: Are they my testicles? Mine are present and accounted for, I'll have you know.
• Corazón tries to hack Egbot's memory to find the name of the species that laid the space eggs. He tries to justify using Feelings to hack a robot by claiming "I'm feeling lucky". Johnny doesn't buy it.
• In response to L1's wonky computer voice, Andy comments that it's the distant future and they couldn't program a decent voice synthesizer.
• Mer-ilwen examines the broken egg, but doesn't recognize what animal it is. However, she rolled Laser Feelings, which means she gets to ask a question. Her question is "What animals are these?"
  Johnny: Why didn't I see this coming?
• After finding out how much money the eggs are worth, Corazón spends the next few minutes trying to order the most expensive space yacht he can find.
• Johnny has a slip of the tongue when describing Corazón removing shrimp tails from the radar screen.
  Johnny: You just kind of flip them- flick them off, not flip them off. I mean, maybe you do. I don't know, you're very Feelings-heavy.
• Corazón rolls Laser Feelings and asks Johnny how many hot tubs his yacht should have. After a brief conversation, they conclude that if L1 ends up on the yacht, there should be a spare hot tub in case she turns one of them into a crayfish broil.
• At Port Featherfall, the crew manages to throw off the inspector and his guards by posing as a party ship, getting them drunk on frozen margaritas, and playing the Macarena very loudly.
• They go to a bar and start looking for Chauncey, who is the original buyer of the space eggs. Corazón gets sidetracked when he rolls Laser Feelings and asks if leather upholstery is still in. After a discussion with Johnny, Corazón makes a quick phone call and a drop pod full of leather swatches crashes into the bar.
• As Egbot tries to discreetly present one of the eggs to Chauncey, Corazón distracts everyone else at the bar by going to the jukebox and playing the Macarena very loudly.
• Corazón stashes the eggs in a container that he labels "fresh oranges". He then finds out oranges are extremely illegal throughout the galaxy, so he crosses it out and writes "footballs" instead.
• As a safety precaution, the crew tries to paint the eggs to look like footballs. Corazón gets covered in paint and can no longer see his shirt, while Pru somehow paints one to look like an orange instead.
• As they hand the eggs to Chauncey, they begin to hatch. As Johnny narrates how the egg stashed in Egbot's chest cavity starts clawing its way out, Ellen squees uncontrollably when she realizes the eggs are hatching into seals.
• The airbrush painting on Chauncey's van depicts a dragon doing a kickflip over a pot of soup.
• Egbot blows up the van, killing every seal monster inside it. A bunch of men from a nearby burger shop show up and collect the seal remains for meat, which conveniently hides the evidence of the smuggling operation. They then go after the orange-painted seal that Mer-ilwen and Pru captured because "it might be cheese-flavored".
  Mer-ilwen: This is na'cho seal!
  Pru: Yeah, what she said! Does that help? She did a pun.
• The crew decide to keep the orange seal and take it to the Aspera so it can eat all of the excess coconut shrimp. Egbot names it Seal Armstrong.

Story 44: "Wrangle in the Tangle"

• Egbert begins concerned about all of the shadows for thieves to hide in. Corazón remarks that the only way to fix that is a pitch black room.
• The Thief Queen is revealed. Contrary to her costume, she doesn't have crowbars for arms or loot bags for legs, which deeply offends Corazón. As it turns out, there's a giant pearl-colored ball smashed on her head.
• It is indeed Katie Pearlhead, who demands no one call her that. Egbert offers that she could start by taking the pearl off of her head in the first place.
• Katie insists on being called "Your Majesty." Dob calls her "Your Majesty, Katie Pearlhead", and Egbert goes for "Your Pearlheaded Majesty." In fact, during the conversation, no one calls her Your Majesty, especially not Dob. And since knowing the Queen's real name is death, her guards are desperate to shut them up.
• Katie explains what happened to her: She gained the loyalty of many of the thieves of G'eth. Dob sheepishly says that then she should thank the Guild: Getting that pearl jammed on her head was the best thing that ever happened to her.
• Dob ends up blabbing about the legendary shard. And desperately tries to pretend this was Phase 9 of his plan.
• Johnny dropped a d20 when rolling for Dob earlier, and Andy takes the time to tout the Oxventure-themed d20s that are currently available for sale.
• Katie is willing to part with the shard: It is cursed and she doesn't want a cursed artifact, but the guild has to do something for her. And she will be watching, because she's been tricked before.
  Dob: The only thing we ever pulled on you was that pearl on your head.
• Merilwen objects to being lumped into the guild, because she was never part of tricking Katie, or jamming the pearl on her head. But Katie points out that she enables and helps the guild.
  Corazón: In many ways, she's the worst of us all.
  Dob: Let me tell you about the meat grinder.
• Katie orders the death of her rival Tinniswood, who stole some plans for schemes. After the order is given, she blends into the shadows. Corazón mimicks this, but when Dob tries to do it, he falls down the stairs to the bottom of the temple. And he hits every step. There are two thousand of them.
• The group takes some canoes over to Tinniswood's camp: Corazón is getting ready by disguising himself with mud, Rambo style. Prudence points out such things aren't useful when in a canoe.
• Once at the shore, Merilwen calls out to jungle animals for some assistance. Hoping for a tiger, she instead gets a hornbill named Christian. She then talks to the hornbill with the hope of getting it to drop some poison into the communal stew pot. The hornbill agrees, because it loves chaos. Prudence immediately loves the creature.
• Corazón points out the obvious: They have no quarrel with Tinniswood, so why are they killing all of them. Dob just shrugs and thinks Corazón is upset because there are 13 people to kill, and that's an unlucky number.
• Merilwen begins her plan by applying her Poison Spray to some grapes. However, just as she's about to give it to Christian the Chaos Hornbill, she realizes he would probably eat the grapes, and so she crushes them into pulp, and offering him different, fresh ones...that she just handled after covering her hands mashing the poisoned grapes. Christian is fine, though.
• Corazón gets a natural 20 on his stealth roll to act like Rambo. Later, he leverages this to perfectly sneak by another stealth check. Johnny is so impressed by the pluck that no rolls are needed.
• Dob, meanwhile, thinks this won't be enough and does a Nature check to find other options. He finds an aboleth, an evil psychic amphibian that surfaces because it smelled carrion. Which was actually just Dob not showering.
• Since parleying with the aboleth will just cause it to psychically dominate the group, Dob decides on an utterly absurd plan: Aboleths are forsaken by the gods, so Dob will trick it into thinking Tinniswood and his gang are servants of the gods that forsook the aboleth. Johnny calls for a roll, and Luke gets a Natural 20.
• Merilwen and Dob execute their plans in concert: Christian the Chaos Hornbill poisons the stew, while Dob and Corazón use illusions to create views of Iron, the kuo-toa priest to rouse the aboleth's ire and draw the attention of the now-ill thieves. Corazón creates a Grease slide, the thieves tank their saving throws sending them to the angry aboleth, who hits them with its tentacles, causing them to lose the ability to breathe air. Dob immediately thinks to Mercy Kill, the others just want to bail.
• Dob points out that they can't leave: Katie specifically wanted Tinniswood's crew dead. Egbert retorts that Katie isn't going to dive into a river with a giant aboleth just to check.
  Dob: Unbelievable! Force Dob on a kill quest, then you leave before the killing starts.
• Merilwen and Prudence, however, offer to help Dob with the throatcutting. As does Christian, who is very eager.
• Egbert declares this will certainly set him back for his atonement. Dob says that it's because Egbert abandoned his friends by not slaughtering the thieves.

Story 45: "Twin It To Win It"

• Luke is absent for this episode, so Johnny has it written as him chasing after the real Katie Pearlhead. To deal with this missing thing, Merilwen has a hand puppet of Dob. It's convincing enough that one of the guards holds it at spearpoint.
• Prudence declares the stand-in Katie Pearlhead will be known as Fakey Pearlhead.
• Combat begins, so the group rolls initiative. Mike and Andy tie, so they need to decide who among Egbert and Corazón is going first. Egbert immediately charges forward and twists the fake pearl around so Fakey Pearlhead can't see.
  Prudence: He's making an eg-xecutive decision.
• Corazón sighs, seeing how this is going to be silly, and jokes that he'll throw custard and pull the enemies' pants down. Egbert eagerly agrees: That'll be disorienting. Corazón decides he'll actually cast Grease, and pulls out a little bit of bacon for the spell component. While Egbert remarks that he should use custard as the component, Johnny lets him cast, but due to grouping, Prudence is going to get caught up in it. Corazón returns that she knows him well enough to know what happens when he pulls out bacon snacks, and Johnny agrees...because this is the first time the group took spell components seriously.
• After casting his spell, Corazón hides. And Egbert is concerned how many times he crammed "secrete" into a sentence.
• Corazón's hide works so well, the guards are treated like babies with no object permanence.
  Merilwen: Cora-gone.
• Prudence goes next, and she slides over to Fakey Pearlhead. Corazón immediately thinks she's going to pull pranks like Egbert, but she tries to intimidate the guards to make them stand down. Johnny rolls for Fakey Pearlhead and gets a natural 20. However, because Egbert pranked her, she was at disadvantage and has to take a roll of 4 instead. Egbert gloats, and Corazón offers muttered curses from his hiding place.
• Prudence describes Fakey Pearlhead as looking like a novelty electric globe.
• Corazón removes the pearl head after the group surrenders. Apparently, packing her hair into that pearl makes it puff out so bad that Merilwen can relate.
• Corazón finds Katie's diary, hoping to find a clue. The first hundred pages or so are about how much she hates Dob for jamming the pearl on her head. Apparently, there are even horrible drawings of what she plans to do.
• The group does find a drawing of the shard. It is not being shoved into Dob's eyes. She does that with regular forks.
• After getting their lead, that the shard is in some monastery full of weirdos, the group begins to leave. Prudence wonders about the guards they've tied up, and tries to get the group to kill them with all the subtlety of a steam engine.
• Fakey Pearlhead vacillates between wanting the pearl back on her head. On the one hand, no one is supposed to know the real Katie is gone. On the other, if it gets out "Katie" was beaten by the Guild, that's going to be worse. Egbert just sticks the pearl on her lap so she can decide later.
• The group briefly reflects on what happened: "Katie" said she was going to a volcano to destroy the shard, but more than likely, she was lying to throw the group off the trail. Corazón remarks that Dob will be fine, he's a good tracker and he'll get back to the group eventually despite all of this. However, it's also Dob, so it's equally likely he'll jump into the volcano thinking the only way is through. The group immediately declares this is the likely result and holds a memorial for Dob.
  Prudence: The Dob versus the volcano subplot is happening off screen.
• The group goes to get their boats to visit the monastery. Merilwen is happy to use her spell Locate Object to find them. As Prudence and Corazón gush over her, Egbert declares he also has the spell, and Mike shows the card to prove it. He immediately casts it before she does, and Merilwen asks him if he has the spell component. Which is a forked twig. And the group is in a jungle.
  Johnny: I love how the group is immediately jumping to use a 2nd level spell because the characters don't trust themselves to remember where they parked their boats.
• The group goes down the river and sees a flash. They're worried...but Johnny declares they'll be able to purchase it on a mug or keyring later.
• The group hears people performing some sort of chant...and then they get stuck when the word "beast" doesn't rhyme like they want to.
• Prudence's plan when seeing this new group of people: Ramming speed.
• This group of four are supposedly a group of heroes to answer an ancient prophecy: "A sneak-thief rich in ancient lore; a holy warlock, friend to all; a druid who defies the moon; and the paladin who makes no boom." Hearing how this group are their exact opposites, the guild is appalled.
• As it turns out, the Oxventures are torn with ideas on what to do with this group, so they discuss in a huddle. Egbert wants to make the group fail their trial, so they can pretend to be the real heroes of prophecy; while Corazón wants to hang around the group until they get the shard, then steal it. Prudence has a third option: Drown this new group in the river. Merilwen comes up with another plan: Twist the prophecies words. After all, Egbert doesn't cause any booms, his bombs do.
• The group eventually decides to follow: Merilwen agrees because she remembers the monastery people were weirdos, and this whole thing could be a con to get some Human Sacrifice victims.
• The other group breaks their own huddle by saying "Gooooo Heroes!" Egbert immediately comes around to Prudence's drowning idea.
• This guild is full of nice people, so Corazón helps himself to their cheese plate and artisanal meats. The group is okay with sharing, they are wealthy for being such heroes.
  Prudence: I'll bet their bard never throws their money in the lake.
• Prudence asks the group if they have a bard. They are quick to mention they don't discuss the bard
• Corazón and the rogue try to get into a cool-pose off, and Corazón looks like he's lounging in a bathtub.

Story 46: "Monky Business"

• The Oxventurers Guild has still been eating the artisanal meats and cheeses from the other party. Corazón helps himself to rinds and casings so he has spell components for Grease. Johnny looks forward to the eventual argument over whether or not using high-quality meat changes the spell.
• Johnny describes the monks, and how they have robes that bag out near their feet. Andy can only think of 90's branded Jnco jeans and asks if the monks have wallet chains. Which they do.
• Corazón announces they are the true heroes of G'eth after the other group makes their declarations. The rest of the group join in heroic poses. Egbert thinks a headstand is heroic.
• This devolves into mockery between the groups. Corazón declares that Bogheck, the druid, not only doesn't defy the moon, he makes out with it. And when it's brought up that Corazón made out with a wheel of cheese, Prudence demands details.
• The monk loremaster, Claudette, asks if there are any more insults. Prudence has them, but they aren't good ones.
• Continuing with the 90s theme, Johnny declares the monks have new metal with links in the park and asks for Rejoinders. Andy replies that it slipped the knot.
• Corazón pickpockets Curore d'Lionessa, the other rogue, and steals her book of lore, which he reads in front of her. He then tosses her the book back, and she fumbles her save and drops it in a rock pool. Meanwhile, Merilwen and Bogheck begin casting Animal Friendship on a crab to see which one it likes best. He then snores really loudly next to the gnome paladin Brigid's room.
• The contest to see who the heroes are will take place the next day, so the Oxventurers choose their quarters. They spread out, and then, Bogheck takes the room closest to the bathroom. Corazón immediately declares Egbert to wreck that toilet after eating that rich meat and cheese.
• Curore reads a book into the night with a large light. Merilwen casts Fog Cloud.
• Corazón goes out drinking at a tiki bar and comes back late in the night, being sure to loudly bang on each of the other guild's doors.
• In the next morning, Prudence makes conversation with Benoit, one of the acolytes, and asks him how he came to join the monastery. As it turns out, he went to the bar Corazón went to, and woke up the next day having taken vows. To this day, he's not sure if he was too drunk or was kidnapped.
• The door to the hall of trials is open. Merilwen wants to peek in so as not to break the rules. Corazón just walks through.
• Merilwen begins to talk about twisting the prophecy: She can defy the moon because she can actively refuse to invoke Moonbeam. Corazón has rich family lore given the Milquetoast family name, and many of his people are wealthy. Prudence, of course, can get a hole in her shoulder for "hole-y." Johnny drains their beer.
• Corazón begins the trial by pestering Curore and then answering basic lore. But she agrees to drinks.
• While Prudence and Harmony start their trial, Egbert thinks to pour gunpowder down Brigid's armor. He rolls and fails.
• Prudence says that C'thulhu is holy because murder is sacred. It fails.
• Harmony wins, so the next round is Merilwen versus Bogheck. They have to stand on a plate and it will sponteaneously cast Moonbeam if they can, so Merilwen not preparing the spell won't help. Corazón declares to make her forget she can cast it and gets her plastered. She tanks her Constitution save. And begins to insult everyone.
• Bogheck goes, and once he steps on the plate, Egbert casts Moonbeam. A Stealth roll is called for.
  Prudence: Do better next time.
• The stealth check passes, and Bogheck cheers...touching the Moonbeam and taking damage.
• As Corazón attempts to try and make Brigid explode, Prudence remarks that Dob learned a spell that would be perfect for making an explosion sound. But he's not there.
• Corazón's misdirection scheme doesn't fool Claudette or Brigid. But since Mage hand can be invisible, the group asks for a stealth check. Claudette fails but Brigid passes. However, that's a catch 22, because if she talks, she forfeits. So she gnaws her way through the bomb's fuse, so Corazón casts Grease. This Brigid also passes, so he then casts Minor Illusion, as sound is a worthwhile target. All the while, Egbert wonders why that one was Plan C.
• The group wins and gains the shard. Merilwen drunkenly follows, casting Animal Friendship as she goes getting a line of pigs.
• The group meets Curore in the bar and take out the shard, putting it back into the orb. Just as she does, Prudence gets a message from Dob, who declares he threw it in the "usual" place. Namely, the lake where he dumps their treasure.
• As Prudence relays this, Curore remarks that she doesn't miss her bard. Merilwen asks the name, and Curore vanishes.

Story 47: "Party Fowl"

• The story cold opens in a lake, just having retrieved Dob's map from the first lake that says where the treasure is. Prudence remembered the two-factor authentication.
• Prudence begins fishing, so Johnny calls for a Nature check. Corazón meanwhile wants to dead-eye shoot some fish with his crossbow. Merilwen decides to turn into an octopus to search.
• Egbert quickly points out that Dob's map that he threw in the lake was laminated.
• The Merilwen-octopus dives into the lake and Johnny calls for a Constitution check. Prudence wonders if that's because Merilwen turned into an octopus while diving in a freshwater lake since an octopus is a sea creature. Corazón is concerned about this check and thinks the lake might be poisoned or fouled. So Egbert and Prudence immediately tell Merilwen to drink the water.
• Merilwen brings up some of the treasure that the guild might like, including a pair of glowing magic boots for Corazón. They are Jacques Darkfall's boots, which is weird because Corazón was pretty sure he was wearing them. Then remembers how he told Dob how valuable they were, so he threw them in the lake.
• The group catches a fish, which has the shard. Corazón is concerned because this felt too easy.
  Corazón: What's the catch.
  Prudence: This fish. We caught this fish.
  Merilwen: I was about to say that.
• The orb receives its final piece and out pops a guy with rooster legs named Vocatus. He knows the names of the guild and was perceiving outside the orb. Corazón declares he was watching them in the bathroom.
• Vocatus was imprisoned by some do-gooders in ages past, until it saw Prudence in that awful museum. Seal Gaiman offers no reaction.
• Vocatus asks for some starting "cash" to start his schemes. Egbert wants to know about this investment, but it's actually more of a robbery. Corazón immediately looks in the lake, but the treasure is still there. Realizing he might have taken magic instead, he asks Prudence to cast Eldritch Blast. And then clarifies: Not at him.
• Prudence complies...by casting Agonizing Blast instead. However, it fizzles: Vocatus severed her connection to C'thulhu. Corazón lectures her about taking the easy path to magic rather then using hard work. Merilwen asks if he's referring to Binbag.
• Egbert then asks Prudence to try the easiest spell there is: Moonbeam.
• Corazón tells Prudence, since she can't speak to C'thulhu, to write it all down so she can talk later. Then ribs her by calling her a "were-lock". He also offers "was-lock, but "were-lock" was better.
• Prudence declares the Guild must get her magic back: She can't live like this, and by extension, neither can they.
  Corazón: What are you going to do, Eldritch Blast?
• Johnny grants inspiration to Andy for the part about telling Prudence to write down her feelings so she can talk to C'thulhu. Specifically that one, not the "were-lock" part.
• Corazón offers to research Vocatus: He clearly must've been something to be imprisoned like that. Prudence calls him a nerd, but later admits she's just being grumpy for the sake of it.
• There is an inscription on the bottom of the now-emptied orb: Vocatus has a large appetite, and through appetite may he be undone. Vocatus mentioned craving excitement, so Corazón offers to take him on the party of all parties.
• Egbert summons Dogbert and races ahead of the group in the direction Vocatus went, which was the town of Port Fairwind. After recalling whether or not the group burned down and/or was run out of town on a rail, Egbert sees the town in the middle of a celebration after a "wine merchant" brought over some quality vino. Egbert realizes he got there really fast, and wonders why the rest of the group didn't teleport and thinks they might have forgotten.
• The rest of the group charms their way into getting a fast carriage, and Prudence drifts it as they reach the town. One roll later and the group is fine...but the carriage isn't.
• Seeing this party, Prudence wants to drink through the pain, and Corazón joins her...in just enough time to realize the wine was enchanted and now they are compelled to drink more. Merilwen sees this and offers Dispel Magic. She only has one casting, though, and rolls a die: Odd for Prudence, and Even for Corazón. Prudence is offended that she is odd.
• Merilwen then looks at her spell slots and realizes she could technically cast it again. But Prudence tells her not to: They can tie up Corazón and leave him in the street.
• After doing some research on Vocatus, how he'll make the world party itself into oblivion, Corazón remarks that the people who caught him should've written "DO NOT OPEN - PRISON ORB" on the orb.
  Prudence: Yes, Corazón, it's everyone's fault but ours, that's how we live life.
• The Guild realizes there is a way to avoid Vocatus's magic: They have to abstain from drinking and partying. That's unacceptable, he must be stopped.
• Corazón briefly wonders where Dob is: Wasn't he supposed to meet them with the shard? Merilwen remarks that he only said he dropped the shard off: He was going to work things out further with Katie Pearlhead. Corazón shrugs, and then says they should find Egbert, since he certainly wouldn't be going off with sexy rogues.
  Prudence: Egbert isn't even here to hear that shade, Corazón.
• Corazón has to make Constitution checks to avoid drinking more enchanted wine. His first is a natural 20, and the next is a natural 1. Prudence stops him by knocking out his goblet, so he crawls into the street to get it. Prudence remarks this is the most fun she's had since she lost her magic.
• After meeting with Egbert, they run into Dunnican, the furniture merchant. He keeps referring to himself in the third person, which is apparently what you do when you're a pariah.
• Remembering what was said about how appetite can undo Vocatus, Merilwen begins to formulate a plan...only for Corazón to interrupt and declare that her plan is to beat Vocatus in a drinking contest. Egbert and Prudence immediately declare this was her plan and agree.

Story 48: "No Way Rosé"

• As the story opens to stop Vocatus's plans, Corazón asks the obvious question: Start with where the enchanted wine is coming from. Egbert points out that the wine is already magic, it could simply just appear.
• Johnny describes the wine as a delicious sangria with succulent fruits. This tempts Corazón again, so Prudence has to smack the goblet away again.
• Egbert decides on an even simpler solution: knock the wine cauldrons over. Prudence likes this idea and does so.
  Johnny: Okay, roll initative
• It is quickly clarified: The group is fighting an angry mob, not the cauldron. Just when the group is relaxed, Johnny informs how the wine congeals into humanoid shapes.
• Thanks to a fantastic initiative roll, the wine golems go first, and they attack Prudence since she was the one who kicked over the cauldron.
  Egbert: Glad they thought it was her plan.
• The golem punches Prudence, and Corazón immediately calls for a rum punch. Johnny is exasperated. Merilwen is not.
• Merilwen goes next. She should have gone first because her initiative was the best, but an errant microphone failure caused her 21 to be heard as 1. Corazón immediately remarks that his mic cut out too, and when he slashed at the wine golems and accidentally made multiple smaller ones, he tried another tactic. Johnny flat-out refuses.
• Seeing what happened with weapons, Merilwen decides to cast Call Lightning, and being the first time she's used it, reads the spell to the group. Johnny is impressed that the lightning cloud's dimensions are quite specific.
  Prudence: Look at that remarkably cylindrical cloud.
• As Merilwen calculates the best use of the lightning strokes, Corazón hides...and helps himself to a meat and cheese plate. The group is actually impressed at the restraint he shows in not drinking any more enchanted wine.
• As Merilwen concludes her attack, she also informs that the spell is Concentration-based: As long as she focuses, she can do it again next round.
  Egbert: Wow, I'm going to need to learn that, give me a week.
• Prudence reveals that because she had her magic severed, she gained something new: Rage Mode. And she immediately demonstrates this with the giant cauldron.
  Corazón:(visibly horrfied) Okay, great.
  Merilwen: Prudence? More like Bruise-dence.
  Prudence: We'll workshop that later, Merilwen.
  Johnny: Okay...what's the damage of a giant brass cauldron.
  Prudence: Don't forget, there's plus two because of my rage.
  Corazón: Yes, Prudence, we know about the rage.
• Egbert asks Johnny a question: Since Corazón is helping himself to meats and cheeses, there would need to be curing agents, namely salt, nearby. When Johnny affirms, Egbert grabs the salt and throws it at the wine golems, because salt is a great way to get wine stains out of the carpet. Most are impressed.
  Prudence: Who are you, and what have you done with Egbert?
  Corazón: You could just use your breath weapon and evaporate them.
  Egbert: I think the alcohol content would be too low. It takes a long time to mull wine.
  Johnny: We all thought about evaporating the wine men. Let's turn them into a salt mixture.
  Merilwen: And the salt will make them more conductive to my lightning spell!
• Next round, Merilwen uses her spell for another lightning bolt at the salt-covered wine golems, which she dubs "salty wine amoeba bois." This salty nature makes them have Disadvantage on their Dexterity saves. This kills the wine golems, but it also knocks back Dunnican, who was nearby, into Corazón's hiding place.
  Corazón: You better have brought crackers.
• One group of wine golems is dead, but there are more cauldrons, and assuredly more wine golems. Dunnican offers a plan, but he has a price: No one may strangle him. And it's noted that his neck is supple and very strangle-able.
• Dunnican's plan is that he has enough leftover evil wood from the events of "Bad Chair Day" to make an evil chair. He's going to test and see if one of these could destroy the wine golems and if so, make more. While he montages this, Prudence sits on one of his chairs. It's still evil, but that one is almost out of juice, so it just mildly snarls at her.
• Corazón offers to make Prudence feel better by having her pretend to cast Eldritch Blast while he uses his illusion magic to make it look like she cast it. Johnny is baffled by how to roll this and just has Andy roll a straight d20. One 14 later, and Prudence finds the result impressive, but it's not the same. However, it was good enough that she'll lie to spare Corazón's feelings.
  Prudence: It's like looking at old photos.
  Corazón: Of all the people dying in agonizing pain.
  Prudence: I pull out a framed photo of an Eldritch Blast and stroke it longingly.
  Johnny: Which is in a photo album...made from the skin of someone who died horribly from Eldritch Blast.
• Dunnican's plan works, however, he doesn't have enough cursed wood to make enough chairs. However, there's a backup. Someone took up Egbert on his plan to sell cheap furniture people assemble themselves, in a place that also has meatballs and tea lights. He could take some cursed shavings and it would work just fine. Corazón helps himself to some meatballs, but they are evil. Or at least, they're evil when they come out the back end.
• Corazón is certain the store workers won't let them take the chairs, but Prudence points out they're probably all drunk on the enchanted wine. The guild pretends to be partiers, and Egbert and Corazón feign drink the wine. With a natural 20, Egbert manages to destroy an entire bucket.
• Egbert thinks to completely sell the illusion and get the drunk workers out of the store, Corazón should cast Dancing Lights. But he used up his spell slots casting spells to annoy and make up with Prudence. So the two of them decide to make the chair assembly into a drinking game. Which turns into the people trying to build a party city. Which was unfortunately, Vocatus's plan all along.
• Corazón tries to rally the Guild to destroy the party city: He tells Merilwen this will destroy nature. He tells Egbert it will destroy the Scotch eggs. He starts to talk to Prudence, but she doesn't need convincing: Vocatus took her magic.
• The final ingredient for the cursed chairs is a drop of Dunnican's blood. And Johnny just remembers the d100 rolled to see how many chairs were made ended up at 81.

Story 49: "Fools of Engagement"

• Johnny describes the army as "Newly brought to life, moderately cursed, affordable flat-back chairs." The Guild then each rolls a d20 to see how well they do with their battalion of chairs. Dunnican has proficiency and gets a boost, rolling massively high. He goes full Jean-Claude van Dunnican, doing the splits and riding around. However, because the chairs are cheap, there are heavy causalties.
• Corazón builds a pro-wrestling stack and powerbombs a wine cauldron through the chairs. Some of the chairs aren't hurt that badly, but understand Corazón's vibe and look more injured than they are.
• Prudence wields a sofa like a Thighmaster and crushes a cauldron. Merilwen uses chair legs like arrows, because they can chew through the cauldrons. Egbert, who rolled poorly, decided the dowels looked tasty and ate them instead of building the chairs properly. He does get inspiration for that.
• As the angry mob sees this destruction, Corazón laments that Dob isn't around to cast Calm Emotions. But he is, and is in fact, desperate not to get attacked and pretends he doesn't know the gang. Corazón and Merilwen aren't having it.
• Dob is upset with Prudence because he kept Messaging her and getting no response. He is referencing another message he sent after Prudence lost her magic, but instead of telling him that, she insists he butt-dialed someone else.
• This other message was the fact that Dob and Katie Pearlhead are now engaged. The ring is actually one that Corazón stole during All Crim's Night. The guild is shocked...but less so when they discover Katie is diligently researching inheritance law and what happens after a spouse dies. Corazón offers a counter: The Guild splits up Katie five ways.
• Prudence concedes that Dob and Katie might be in love. Through relentless dry heaving. She wants to cast Detect Magic to see if Dob's been enchanted...then remembers she lost her magic. C'thulhu tells her "womp-womp."
• Dob wins over Corazón by telling him he can give the best man speech at the wedding. Because of course, speeches have no time limit and don't have to be about the bride and groom. Egbert is won over with the promise of a buffet wedding.
• Prudence declares that if Katie is marrying one member of the guild, she's marrying them all. Dob says they should start slow. Katie remarks she's okay if Corazón wants to jump in right away.
• The marriage preparations involved moving the treasure to a new lake. Corazón wonders if he can make a pier-to-pier network to find it.
• Prudence is still convinced this is some sort of enchantment
  Prudence: Egbert, what do you know of love potions?
  Egbert: Absolutely nothing.
  Prudence: Right, Merilwen, what about you?
• Katie excuses herself to go to the apothecary: She's running low on poison.
• Dob and Prudence argue, and he declares she's not allowed to look at chairbacks. She begins to cry.
• Vocatus shows up, and Corazón tackles him. Vocatus responds by concentrating on the wine to make some armor for himself. Egbert decides to assist Corazón...and critical fails, powerbombing himself into the floor.
• Dob declares he and Katie are going to do a spectacular one-two punch. She's last in initiative order.
• Prudence decides to enter Rage Mode and grab two pieces of wood. It's a large case with poppyseed and sesame bagels on it. After all, it's a seedy^note CD rack. She misses with both pieces of wood, and Johnny takes the time to remind her that, magic or no, she's still forgetting she has a crossbow.
• Merilwen tries to drown Vocatus by controlling the wine with Control Water. He crits.
• Corazón attacks again with a Sneak Attack. Prudence is horribly confused: How can he sneak attack Vocatus while right on top of him? His answer is Rakish Audacity, as he explains while grappling and hitting Vocatus for 20 damage.
• Despite this damage, Vocatus maintains his concentration enough to make the wine into a mech suit, while Merilwen dubs Optimus Wine. He returns attack to Corazón, then critical fails: He was so confident he used Rocket Punch and missed horribly.
• Egbert is next, and wonders if he could use his flame breath without hitting Corazón. As it turns out, yes, his attack is a cone and aiming it isn't too hard. After careful consideration of angles, Corazón mentions he has Evasion, and laments he never gets to use it. Johnny offers blazing hot wine steam, but Corazón doesn't want pity evasions. But he will inhale the wine fumes.
• Dob, meanwhile, has finally come up with a wine pun: Neon Genesis Evan-sauvignon. And laments how long it took to come up with that. Johnny feels as though inspiration must be given. Despite desperately not wanting to. Egbert realizes he needs to come up with a wine pun now.
  Johnny: Just focus, the puns can't hurt you.
• Dob decides to cast Shatter on Vocatus's groin. Prudence hasn't heard of this spell and asks for details: It creates a sphere of painful feedback, which Luke's microphone is doing at the same time. Corazón points out that this attack would be two spheres. And has to explain that it's a testicle joke. Merilwen's mind was in a completely different place.
• In addition to the serious damage, Corazón would be allowed to use his Evasion. But after Dob casts it, Corazón realizes that Shatter is a Constitution save, and Evasion is only for Dexterity saves. However, Egbert is close enough to Corazón that one of his paladin auras would help him boost his saving throw...only to realize Corazón already passed it. The Guild is upset because Egbert was actually using a paladin power. And Ellen helpfully reminds that there is another aura that would help Corazón half the damage. Which works. Corazón couples a saving throw with Egbert's resistance and Uncanny Dodge to only take 4 damage.
• However, Egbert being close enough to use the sphere means he's in the way of the Shatter spell. He fails and takes 15 damage.
• This is enough to cripple Vocatus. Dob decides to Good Cop/Bad Cop the situation by holding up a hand of healing magic...and then gesturing to Prudence who is still holding giant pieces of wood. Egbert snarks that Dob is offering to heal the villain before Egbert himself.
  Vocatus: Do you always fight like this?
  Egbert: Constantly!
• The interrogation is...not fruitful.
  Vocatus: I know you can brutalize my groin.
  Egbert: That sounds like permission.
• The guild has a huddle when Vocatus mentions he needs a new source of magic to undo what he did. Katie gets involved, and has to be elbowed out by Merilwen. She then points out a good source would be Liliana, Dob's other girlfriend whom he's pined for a long time. He even has her hair.
  Prudence: I've found a new source of power, it's drama!
• When Dob has to explain Liliana's hairs to Katie, she excuses herself with a list of Dob's allergies. And Dob takes ten points of ice damage.
• When the guild tells Vocatus about Liliana, he immediately disappears.

Story 50: "Plan-demonium"

• As the story opens, an important question is asked: What is Dob planning to do with Liliana's hair now.
• Egbert questions whether or not Vocatus stole his magic like he stole Prudence's, so he tests it by casting Moonbeam on a tree. Despite the protests for both using a spell slot and that its incredibly violent, he still does it. The tree explodes.
• Dob remarks that he appears to be the glue that holds the group together, since he sees how the guild acted without him. Merilwen is displeased.
• Corazón and Egbert insist that Vocatus is legally distinct from Loki, so Disney can't sue. Dob says the chicken legs are distinct enough.
• There is a complication: The guild doesn't want Vocatus to take Liliana's powerful magic, but they don't want her to have powerful magic either.
• Prudence declares the group will need someone with lots of magic to get them to Liliana's lair. That someone is Binbag, despite Corazón's objections. He would rather just go to her lair and kill two birds with one stone. And then looks for a big stone.
• Katie Pearlhead returns with a smoothie that is supposedly bitter. Merilwen smacks it out of her hand. Katie remarks that Merilwen is jealous, and Prudence offers a solution: Have Egbert taste the smoothie. It tastes bitter...and like floor.
• Katie points out that a pre-nuptial agreement wouldn't matter if Dob dies before the wedding. Dob then eats the rest of the floor smoothie. Corazón immediately puts this in his best man speech.
• Katie suggests letting Vocatus and Liliana meet each other, then sneak out of the shadows and slit their throats. Egbert is concerned she'll do that to Dob.
• The discussion then devolves into wedding planning: What Dob is going to wear and how Corazón will plan the bachelor party. Merilwen points out there is already a party with all the people drinking the enchanted wine and building a party city. Corazón decides to piggyback on that: It'll save a lot of money.
• Johnny asks if Corazón can cast the 5th level spell Scrying.
  Dob: Say yes, it would be the ultimate Corazón move.
• Corazón does so, and Egbert threatens Zone of Truth. He backs off.
• Binbag appears and taunts Corazón. Dob asks him a question: How can Prudence get her magic back from Vocatus? Binbag responds to beat up the imp until he gives it up.
  Prudence: So he's a magical piñata.
• After finding out where Liliana is, Dob turns the discussion to the wedding and starts wondering about gift registries. Binbag then just wants to be an evening guest.
• Binbag scrying has him immediately describe Liliana as good-looking. And he apparently gets psychic feedback.
• Binbag uses a wine cauldron as a scrying pool, and the people trying to drink the wine find it hilarious. He then sticks his fingers on the wine cauldron and pinches out so he can zoom out.
• Liliana is on her ship, the Inevitability, and it's headed to Necropolis-On-Sea. Prudence laughs because that's not where they are...then realizes Bismuth is there.
• Egbert remarks that Binbag could rekindle his flame with Bismuth. But Binbag refuses, he's not dressed for it. Corazón and Dob remark that they're going shopping for wedding finery and he could join them. Faced with the prospect of being near Corazón, Binbag teleports them away immediately.
• Back at the Necropolis, Dob scans the horizon for the Inevitability, while Corazón talks about how the ancestral mansion has a widow's walk. Dob gets a natural 1 on his check, and wonders if Katie was brought with them. She was: She's very intrigued about a "widow's" walk.
• Dob and Katie giggle and try to say their favorite spider at the same time. Merilwen casts Druidcraft to make Katie smell like a skunk. Johnny points out that this isn't particularly subtle, but Merilwen is fine with that: She wants Katie to know.
• Liliana is about two hours away, so the group plans: Dob begins by healing Egbert, and uses a first level spell. Egbert is offended. Corazón is upset he doesn't get healing, and resolves to heal it by eating a large sandwich. Johnny just rolls with it.
• Dob remarks that after the battle, Bismuth will need to be invited to the wedding, so he'll have to get her dietary preferences. Merilwen snarks that she thought he said his ex, Liliana.
  Egbert: If Dob and Bismuth had something, I wouldn't be surprised.
• As the Guild enters the house, they smell fresh cooking. Bismuth was told a friend of the group was coming over for a dinner for two. And this friend had chicken legs, and even some of Prudence's "lent" magic. Apparently, the spells come out an imperious blue color. Prudence is horrified.
• Dob immediately suggests Jumping Out of a Cake. The plan goes awry when Corazón points out there is no time to make a cake.
• Dob then wonders if there was a way to inform Liliana of Vocatus's tricks. Corazón points out they can't prove it, and even if they could, they'd have to be in a room with Liliana to give her the proof. And she would just cast Cloud of Daggers.
• Corazón offers a counter plan: Poison everything, and trap everything that can't be poisoned.
• Prudence supplements: The house has illusion powers, what with the Lotus-Eater Machine it did before. Therefore, they should have Vocatus meet an illusory Liliana, and Liliana meet an illustory Vocatus. Dob dubs this the Mrs. Doubtfire scenario.
• After 45 mins of in-real-life discussion (!) The plans are combined, but then Dob points out something:
  Dob: The only very, very small hole in this plan- [Johnny cracks up in a reaction shot] what is the outcome we are trying to achieve?
• For now, they will continue their plan, and Dob begins to disguise Prudence as a painstakingly accurate rendition of Liliana. Katie is watching, and she now knows what Dob's ex looks like. Dob wonders if he could put the eyes further apart.
• Dob will pose as Vocatus, and gets a bit disturbed by the "rooster down below" implications.
• Corazón will hide in Prudence's room to assist if need be, and will pretend to be a painting. Dob offers to paint, but he can't, because he's already disguised himself and needs to concentrate on the illusion. And besides, everything he paints is a tasteful nude. So Merilwen does it, and rolls a 10, so it's a partial nude.
• Egbert's presence is a problem, because Liliana obviously knows what he looks like. Dob suggests pretending he caught Egbert and use him to impress Liliana. Merilwen wants to throw a sheet over Egbert.

Story 51: "Dine Hard"

• Liliana arrives first, so Dob, as Vocatus, escorts her to the dining room, telling her that room is being fumigated. But being Vocatus, who craves indulgences, says he'll get high off the fumes later.
• Corazón describes the pose and position he's taking with his painting disguise. Prudence takes one look and declares this is where she wants the Oxventure playset.
• Corazón also ensures the chandelier can be swung on to provide assistance in an emergency. Johnny remarks a chandelier would be far too low to do that, but Corazón counters that swinging on chandeliers is Swashbuckling 101 and so would be higher. Johnny also remarks that Corazón might lock the butler in the freezer.
• Egbert is in the kitchen looking for a waiter's outfit, pretty sure there isn't one made for a large dragonborn. Corazón remarks that houses like these would have a Lurch. However, Lurch might've been tall, but he was also lanky. As such, Johnny calls for a Dexterity roll to get into the uniform.
  Corazón: What, does he need a running start?
• The end result is more like a backless hospital gown.
• "Vocatus" starts the dinner by kicking up his chicken legs and eats grapes from a bowl. It's all Merilwen can do not to face palm.
• "Vocatus" then offers a toast.
  Liliana: Has this been poisoned?
  Dob: No.
  (they drink)
  Dob: To your health.
  Egbert: That's what you say when the wine is poisoned.
• "Vocatus" calls for the first course. It's a lobster bisque, and its coming late. Because Bismuth is making it, and she can't stop making "Bisque-muth" puns.
• "Vocatus" begins to sell the plan of control, and he intends to prove it by pretending to compel Egbert, and ordering him to fall on his face. He does, and reveals his butt.
  Johnny: "Oh." says Liliana, looking at Egbert's butt.
  Dob: It's quite... something, isn't it?
• Meanwhile, the real Vocatus arrives, and Bismuth steers him to the other dining room, using the same excuse from before: The other one is being bug-bombed. True enough, Vocatus indeed wants to get high off the fumes earlier.
• Vocatus tries to get Prudence, disguised as Liliana, to give him salt for his bisque, getting close to steal her magic. Prudence, however, milks it, and remarks there are servants for that, making Bismuth do it.
• Vocatus makes his We Can Rule Together plan to "Liliana" but she counters: She doesn't know him, and already finds him incredibly irritating, why would she consent to working with him. Johnny is struck dumb for several seconds.
  Johnny: Yeah, that's fair.
• Vocatus then tries to get "Liliana" to open a jar of capers, as Bismuth couldn't open something like that. "Liliana" says to get the Lurch to do it. Corazón is concerned because Liliana shouldn't know the servant situation of the house. Johnny rolls, Vocatus gets an 8 and misses it.
• Corazón then remembers what the library said about the book: Vocatus can be undone by his appetite. He then whispers to Prudence to make Vocatus eat a thousand bisques. Johnny finally loses composure. After this, Corazón returns to his pose on the wall. And paints two more abs. Johnny doesn't call for a roll.
• Cutting back to Dob's plan, he's gorging himself on honeyed bread while explaining his plan.
  Johnny: Roll for Charisma/Persuasion. This isn't about the honey bread, I don't think Liliana will eat it.
• Merilwen summarizes: She has no clue what's going on, and she can see Egbert's butt.
• "Vocatus" offers more demonstrations of power. He tells Egbert to go inhale the fumigation spores from the other room. Dob rolls a 20 and Liliana allows it.
• Back with Prudence, Egbert walks in and edges along the wall to not show his butt. But Corazón is on the wall and sees all.
• Prudence fakes drinking Vocatus's wine, and at that point, Vocatus launches into a Motive Rant. While this happens, Corazón uses an invisible mage hand to throw wine into Vocatus's mouth. Johnny calls for a Dex check. It's a straight check, unless Corazón has proficiency in wine goblet.
  Corazón: I do actually! No, I don't.
• Vocatus is in disbelief over being outsmarted by Prudence and asks her to open another jar of capers. Prudence opens the jar, swallows all of the capers, and throws the jar away before calling out Vocatus's shenanigans.
• Cutting back to Dob, he pulls out the Fife of Chauncey, a powerful item that allows control of someone, or it can kill, if they have something that belongs to the target. He then pulls out Liliana's hair.
  Johnny: That's another check.
  Dob: What?
  Johnny: You have a magic fife?
  Merilwen: What god goes by Chauncey?
• While Dob using the fife to bluff Liliana is a pretty dramatic moment, it is immediately ruined when Dob starts talking with the fife in his mouth.
  Dob: [presents Liliana's hair] Why, this looks like one of yours, doesn't it? [puts the fife to his lips] Vhy dhon'th you thake youh sheat aghain?
• Dob then launches into the other part of the plan: He'll give Liliana the fife and the tune to play it. But she needs to amplify the sound from the perfect place, and he knows where it is: The mountain from Peak Performance with the dragon that hates noise. It works, and she teleports away.
• During the denouement, Dob is nothing if not aware.
  Dob: I didn't know she can teleport, wow.
  Merilwen: You're telling me, I had no idea what you were planning.
  Dob: Yeah, neither did I.

Story 52: "Orb-pocalypse Season Finale"

• Johnny sets the scene as the plot opens. Vocatus is very still, consuming wine. In fact, he is so still that the only reason the Oxventurers know Vocatus is alive is the peristalsis of his throat as he guzzles more wine.
• Egbert informs Dob of what happened. Dob briefly forgets Egbert isn't an actual servant.
• Egbert comes up with another plan: Another switcheroo, so that when Liliana returns after dealing with the dragon, she can take her wrath out on the real Vocatus. Dob and Merilwen think its a great plan, and then get weirded out because Egbert came up with it.
• Dob is pretty sure Liliana's rage will probably destroy the manor at Necropolis-on-Sea, but Egbert, as co-owner is fine with that. Corazón insists Egbert owns nothing, but Merilwen tells him not to worry: This house is so haunted it would probably reform itself.
• Vocatus is still very hammered, so carrying him to the other dining room is simple enough. Dob then decides to sell the illusion by giving him the "Fife of Chauncey", and Corazón helps by writing a letter to "co-conspirators" calling Liliana a F-ing idiot for getting scammed. Johnny is taken aback by this.
• Prudence hedges; she still needs her magic back. And since both she and Dob are in disguise, they try to trick the real Vocatus by claiming to be him and Liliana from the future. Corazón, however, finds this hard to follow, and looks forward to those two explaining things for the recap.
• It gets out that Vocatus's death will return Prudence's magic, so she's fine with finding a hiding place and watching the carnage. Dob asks if Corazón wants to save anything from the house. He doesn't; the house has been through worse than this.
• The group decides to hide in the rogue's gallery: After all, they didn't find Merilwen when she hid in it earlier. Dob then reminds the group of the Fulton extraction device that he prepared in case Liliana saw through his disguise. At this point, Johnny's mind breaks.
• The rogue's gallery takes them to the roof. Bismuth scales the walls. There is no explanation as to how she does it.
• Katie Pearlhead is still around, and she tells Dob not to eat honey bread like he did at the wedding.
  Dob: Don't try to change me.
• She then goes to find some hellebore.
• While the rest of the group hides in the attic, Dob hides in the fireplace to get a better handle on what's happening. After a saving throw, the fireplace doesn't eat him like it did to one of the guests who wanted to buy the house.
• Merilwen is keeping watch to see Liliana's return. She sees a reduced army of Egberts, and hears a low creaking noise.
  Corazón: Bismuth!
• Liliana confronts Vocatus, who runs away to the shoreline, then vomits magic wine to create wine golems from the ocean. Corazón's response to this is to pass around popcorn and ask Egbert to toast marshmallows. Bismuth insists on dunking one in the bisque.
  Johnny: The bisque marshmallow doesn't work out. Even Bismuth can't bring herself to eat it.
• The Egbert army and the wine golems begin to fight.
  Johnny: They don't fight like Egberts.
  Corazón: You mean they're competent?
  Egbert: Hey!
  Johnny: They fight like well-trained paladins.
  Dob: They're teleporting around.
  Corazón: Whoa, Turn the Faithless!
• As the battle continues, Liliana goes to Vocatus and drinks some of his wine. Immediately, the golems fall under her command, and she orders them to draw and quarter Vocatus.
  Egbert: Drumsticks, anyone?
• After killing Vocatus, Liliana takes one look at the wine golems, and calls them tacky.
• Prudence's magic is in a small stone. Liliana takes it and turns it into a necklace. Prudence is offended by her taking it. And even more when it complements her attire.
• Liliana decides to camp at Necropolis-on-Sea: She thinks the guild will return. And besides, she'd like to see Corazón's bedroom.
  Corazón: Jeez, buy me dinner first.
• Katie wonders why Dob was interested in Liliana, she's quite violent. They have a talk, and Dob has to admit that he's only talked to Liliana twice, and both times, he was deceiving her.
• Dob says he'll help get Prudence's magic back if she does magic fireworks for the wedding. Corazón remarks that he has a spell for that. Dob remarks that Corazón needs to do Mage Hand to hold the rings.
  Egbert: Mage Hand is just PowerPoint
  Johnny: Mage Hand Creative Suite.
• Katie will assist, and Prudence is happy: A thief is useful for stealing something. Corazón is convinced she's not that great.
  Katie: I'm the Thief Queen.
  Corazón: That's a ceremonial position.
• After some arguing, Merilwen scouts by shapeshifting as a rat. Liliana is making herself at home, making a relaxing place with lots of cushions. And she's raided Corazón's wardrobe: She's wearing the tri-corner hat with the phoenix plume. Corazón screams a Big "NO!": He wanted to wear that at the wedding to take attention away from the groom.
• When Merilwen returns, Dob tells her the actual plan was for her to jump into Liliana's mouth and shapeshift into a bear.
• The easiest solution is to steal the stone, since the only two in the house are Liliana and a dragonborn she's designated as a butler. Corazón says he could handle it, but Prudence wonders if Katie might be better at it, and then says this story would make an excellent jape for a best man speech. Corazón says that thieves don't work in pairs. Merilwen, meanwhile, is living for the passive-aggressiveness.
• Merilwen casts Pass Without Trace, so Corazón gets a 37 in total on his Stealth roll. He tumbles everywhere.
• Dob is going to cast Sleep on the butler, who is reading to Liliana as she trances, so Egbert can take his place. That spell uses hit points, so Johnny asks Egbert for his total. However, the group points out these were created when Egbert was weaker. But Dob pulls out his highest level spell slot for this, stating he's using all the white noise he can think of. And just underneath, Enya.
• Dob then briefly forgets his next part of the plan: He's supposed to catch the butler so he doesn't fall on Liliana. One saving throw later, he's okay.
• After a few successful rolls, Corazón successfully steals the stone. While he and Katie can creep out just fine, Egbert has to back away slowly while raising his voice to disguise that fact. Dob leaves the butler on the floor. If Liliana awakens, she'll think the butler fell asleep, and that would be a great distraction.
• Prudence gets the magic stone back, and, since it's too big to swallow, she smashes it.
  Johnny: You've never been quite this happy to have something possibly sentient crawl its way into your mouth and down your throat.
• After the magic returns, tentacles emerge from the water, and create the impression of a dad disappointed his daughter arrived home late without texting.
  Dob: What time do you call this?
• Dob is happy that Vocatus is dead, and tries not to focus on the fact that now Liliana is even more dangerous. Johnny says not to worry, she found his power utterly tacky, so her using it probably won't happen.
• The group gets to the stable and sneaks away on horses. Dob happily turns to Katie...and realizes he left her at the stable. Corazón finds this to be a perfect best man's speech.
  Johnny: The world is getting harder. That means keeping track of NPCs.

High Rollin' Oxventure: Worlds Collide

• Johnny is both excited and terrified to run a crossover game between Oxventure and High Rollers.
• As the players toast to the new adventure, Johnny immediately awards inspiration to Rhiannon for having the best mug.
• Dob and Corazón wake up, see Rosemeadow the centaur, and conclude that their party members have been turned into horse people.
• Corazón assumes he is dreaming and tries to do a backflip. He gets a 20, and does it so well that Dob begins to think he is dreaming.
• Nova is half-asleep during introductions, but immediately gets up when the incredibly-smelly Dob walks past her.
• It is revealed that they are in a futuristic retailer called Astro-Barn, which supposedly sells everything. Nova immediately tries to buy shards for her sword Tiangong, because she doesn't want to adventure around the world to get them. The store doesn't carry them.
• The party confirms their purchase, and must pay for it through labor. As everyone is forced into a uniform, the question of how a centaur wears pants is immediately brought up.
• Fun with Homophones.
  Mark: I took the 'Chef' feat.
  Luke: You took the chef's feet?
• Rosemeadow offers snack packs to Dob and Corazón. Dob eats the whole pack.
• Corazón tries to cast Detect Magic. He doesn't actually know that spell, but since this is a dream...
• They consider using the portal at the end of the factory to escape, but they don't know where it leads. They decide to have Rosemeadow summon a lemur, tie a rope around it, and have Sentry kick the lemur into the portal. They hear a buzzer sound, and Corazón thinks it's a mechanical lemur. He decides to adopt it and names it Corazón Junior.
• The team comes up with three plans to escape: either they work in the factory for a thousand years until they're let go, they bust their way out of the factory, or they get their friends to place an order for them so they can ship themselves back home.
• They try to find a way to climb through a seven-foot-wide pipe. Dob immediately suggests summoning six more lemurs and sending them all through. Corazón instead casts Grease on everybody, and Nova is too late to let everyone know she can cast Fly.
• In need of a distraction, Corazón casts Dancing Lights, and Nova casts an illusion of a giant mechanical lemur destroying the factory. Everyone assures Corazón that his Dancing Lights are helping.
• Johnny points out the problem with climbing upwards through a metal pipe while covered in grease. Corazón comes up with a new plan: get a running start, dive into the pipe, and slide all the way to the top. Johnny has trouble figuring out what Corazón needs to roll for that.
• Dob and Corazón land in an office full of scribes. Dob claims to be a tube inspector, Corazón claims to be a tube inspector inspector, and Sentry claims to be maintenance.
• While everyone else is upstairs, Nova goes around convincing the other workers to unionize. She then remembers she has no leadership skills and gets Sentry to take over.
  Nova: And we can rise up! And throw off the shackles of oppression! And take this place by storm! And have a toilet break!
• The workers band together and build a barricade of toilets, then Dob climbs on top and shouts "SMASH THE CISTERN!" before throwing a cistern at a guard. The alarms start blaring "Union detected!" and Johnny tells everyone to roll initiative.
• The team tries to desperately play it cool to the union members when Rosemeadow casts Erupting Earth and accidentally kills the goblin working downstairs.
• When Corazón dramatically bursts out of the crowd, Johnny rolls to see how many union members he ends up injuring. The result: all twelve of them.
• When it's time to say goodbye, Dob suggests they give each other gifts to remember each other by. Johnny is horrified.
• Rosemeadow, Nova, and Sentry all enter a box and are gently pushed into the portal. Dob and Corazón's box, on the other hand, is violently kicked around before being sent out.

Story 53: "A Fête Worse Than Death"

• Once again, they commemorate Halloween with spooky nicknames. Dreadbert's goes the worst, because the convention announcer talks over him.
• Their first encounter is with a satyr who's manning some relaxation tanks. Mike dives in to make a joke about "fawning over him".
• The process of getting the Oxventurers into the relaxation tanks is a little tricky, because, for one thing, Corazón spent some time adrift and it takes some effort to make him willing to repeat the experience for fun.
• Merilwen expresses some curiosity as to what the relaxation tank's environment will do for her trance. The attendant hears the word "trance" and immediately offers a subwoofer.
• When it becomes clear that today's plot is a "Freaky Friday" Flip, Andy just goes, "Oh, motherf-"
• Johnny drives it home by having them get up and change seats and character sheets. Andy reads out "paladin" from the Player's Handbook like he's just gone to a Thai restaurant for the first time in his life and is awkwardly trying to sound out his order to the waiter.
  Mike: Don't worry, I've never read that, so...
• When the satyr, Michael, shows up, Corazón addresses the situation:
  Corazón: One thing I would raise is that we've all swapped bodies - is that normal?
• After Prudence insists that she's feeling very musical and is very sure she's a prodigy on (lifts Dob's instrument) "whatever this thing is", Luke has Dob start hyperventilating and release a little eldritch blast.
  Michael: Please remain calm. This - this is very bad.
  Dob: I agree!
• The reason that Merilwen was chosen as treasurer becomes apparent when Michael defends not mentioning the body-swapping with "you get what you pay for"; she immediately demands her money back.
• Andy wastes no time in getting to grips with his new abilities, possibly out of spite.
  Andy: (holds up a spell card) He has literally never mentioned this one.
  Luke: Let me see - oh my God!
  Andy: I can think of like five times that would have come in handy.
• While this is going on, Egbert sneezes and accidentally casts poison spray. Mike actually needs Johnny to tell him which die is the D12 when Michael fails his save.
• Michael reluctantly admits that he's not supposed to be using the equipment because he's just the pool satyr, and is only supposed to be fishing things out of the pool.
  Dob: They'll be fishing you out of the pool in a minute!
• Even Merilwen is starting to lose her cool. This is around the point where Johnny realises that they may have made a slight tactical error.
  Merilwen: You need to sort this out now, because I am not going around wearing these boots! What are these?!
  Dob: Are they, like, leather, or some kind of bark, or something?
  Merilwen: There's no style to them!
  Johnny: What have I done? (drinks)
  Mike: You've created five monsters.
• Michael unwisely mentions that while nobody noticing would be nice, he's not expecting a miracle. Andy immediately starts checking Mike's cards just to see if one of them might be miracle.
• Johnny has Michael comment about "dobbing me in to my boss", at which point everything gets confusing as everyone concludes that the proper term would be prudencing him in.
• Apparently the penalty for misusing spa equipment is death for all concerned.
• Corazón starts gloating about his skilful dexterity while fumbling awkwardly with Seal Gaiman.
• Apparently the dude who actually owns the key has punched so many people his knuckles are now on the inside of his hands.
• Sorting out the How Do I Shot Web? issue proves thorny:
  Dob: Prudence...teach me how to eldritch blast responsibly.
  Prudence: You know, I never learned.
  Luke: ...I see what happens if I fire one into the other.
  Johnny: Okay.
  Ellen: I hide.
• The upshot of the whole mess is that the spa house is demolished, and everyone takes DEX saves. Most of them pass, including Mike, who is cheered up to have some better numbers on his saves for once. Most of them pass.
  Andy: (weakly) Five.
  Luke: Plus...
  Andy: No, that's with the plus.
• After this leads to 14 damage, Luke brings things to a dead halt by asking: if one of them was to die, would that take the soul currently in that body with it? Johnny immediately stops things to parse this out because, direct quote, "obviously I want to say yes," before getting incredibly confused figuring out what's going on.
• The title of the stream, it turns out, comes from a joke Luke makes about the village fête being "a fête worse than death". Mike comments that it'd have to be a pretty bad fête. Immediately afterwards Luke comments on how easy it would be to edit Mike's contribution out for the VOD version.
  Johnny: Oh, I thought you meant sticking in canned laughter. [Audience laughs] There you go, you can borrow that bit.
  Luke: No, let's get it clean. [He gestures to the audience, which starts laughing again]
  Johnny: Less laboured and resentful, please. One, two, three...
• The fête's spooky ambience includes bunting with sentences like "Have you ever thought too much about where your tongue is located in your mouth?" Immediately after hearing that, Mike starts to look disturbed. Johnny's other thoughts for this include "Your breathing is now manual" and "The Game."
• Egbert in any body is still Egbert.
  Mike: I head to the ale tent to drink the usual amount my body can take.
  Johnny: (incredibly cheerfully) That's a Constitution saving throw with disadvantage please!
  [after Mike rolls a 6 for said saving throw]
  Mike: I think I cast something that looked a lot like poison spray!
  Ellen: We're not swapping back until the hangover's done.
• Meanwhile, elsewhere in the fête, Corazón uses speak with animals to cheat at guessing the weight of a pig. When he offers to cut the pig in on the winnings, the pig asks what it would do with money, so Corazón tells it that it can use the money to buy pig food or trotter polish, at which point Luke asks, "How would the pig buy anything?" (It turns out that this particular pig is enthusiastically anti-capitalist, which adds a very Animal Farm gloss of weirdness to the whole affair.)
• Luke is immediately charmed by the socialist pig and proposes swapping the pig with one of the party members.
  Corazón: My sudden, debilitating lack of Wisdom makes me think this is a great idea.
• This culminates in Prudence having to take the role of the Only Sane Man and tell them to leave the pig alone, right before she wanders off to the apple bobbing, which is in brackish-looking water.
  Prudence: Is it less^note everyone parses this as "more" disgusting than Dob's entire skin?
  Johnny: No! What is? [beat, while Luke looks sad] You think.
  Dob: I remain huffy.
  Prudence: Well, I was gonna take a wash, because somehow Dob spent an hour in a flotation tank and came out no cleaner than he went in, but...I dunk my head in the apple bobbing, see if it helps.
• When using speak with plants is suggested, Johnny comments that they're just pressing all the buttons at this point, and Luke does a helpful mime.
• As a bonus for Merilwen getting an excellent Investigation check, Johnny throws in a bonus: she also knows exactly how much the pig weighs. Meanwhile, Egbert nearly passes out and Prudence somehow concludes that Rutger (who has gotten renamed Rufus somewhere along the line) is the green dragon wyrmling the children are hitting with fantasy wiffle bats.
  Merilwen: (to the seething stall keeper) What is this feeling...Smug, that's it.
• As soon as Prudence rolls a natural 1 and lands heavily on her/Dob's backside, she immediately tries to make it very clear that her name is absolutely Dob, that's who she is. She then does a dramatic flip over the wyrmling...only to fail the attack roll, reducing the attack to just a swat on the hindquarters.
  Johnny: Which, in fairness, the crowd finds very funny.
• The dragon then gets a Critical Failure and nearly chokes to death on a cork, an opportunity Prudence immediately exploits to demand the key that she is entirely convinced it has.
  Dob: Corazón, what do you do when Dob is chasing down a bizarre dead end?
  Corazón: Just sort of gently take them by the elbow and lead them to safety.
• Corazón calls for them to regroup and plan. Immediately after Merilwen identifies Rufus and before any actual planning can be attempted, Dob walks up and starts chatting to him.
• After Dob's first attempt, built around charm person, fails, he immediately pulls out the big guns: he mockingly talks about how much of a simpleton rube you'd have to be to think a beholder is the scariest thing out there, and then casts summon greater demon.
  Prudence: Noooooooo-
  Johnny: (covers their face with their hands in shock)
  • Jane subsequently clarifies that she's upset because she was saving summon greater demon for a special occasion, like a birthday or something.
  • Because Dob 1) has very different priorities to Prudence and 2) has no idea what a barlgura is, Luke proposes that the kind of demon that should be summoned is, direct quote, "a great big duck." Johnny warns everyone that this is going to be homebrew, and then agrees with a comment from the audience: this is Jake the Terrible^note the mass-murdering swan Johnny created in a Werewolf stream the previous year. They eventually end up proclaiming that the monstrous goose is "definitely a demon of challenge rating 5 or lower".
• The flavour text for the spell involves some "foul words", and Ellen actually looks a little upset that Johnny talked over her interruptions instead of letting her point out that, in the context of summoning a demonic waterfowl, they are instead fowl words.
• "Summoning a greater demon is quite distracting."
• Merilwen starts to realise why Corazón loves stealing so much, and Johnny comments that when she gets back into her own body, her alignment is going to drop precipitously...once the hangover wears off.
• Johnny has to patiently explain that summon greater demon lasts an hour and can't be cancelled, so the options are to let it rampage around for an hour or to have a fight, so they end up literally asking if the party would like to roll initiative.
  Egbert: (immediately) Yes.
• While Andy is scanning pages of rules, Luke comments no wonder Mike doesn't read them, they're really complicated.
• It is very important to Luke that any collateral damage go on Prudence's killcount.
• It is 100% in-character for Corazón that he immediately uses turn the faithless, an ability that has consistently been neglected for about three years and which Andy has previously snarked about Mike forgetting he can do. The holy symbol used for this is a piece of cheese with a laughing cow's face on it.
  Mike: I was saving those for later!
• When turn the faithless doesn't work, Andy immediately concludes that it's okay that Mike hasn't paid any attention to his paladin abilities, actually, because they're all useless.
• When the initiative counter rolls over to Egbert, he decides to stick with what he knows and casts moonbeam. Luke nearly dies laughing.
• Jane goes for another zinger and - in a Take That Us to Dob's infamously dangerous-to-his-teammates magic - makes it very clear that she applies absolutely no thought to the layout or arrangement of the arena before she casts thunderwave. Luckily the duck is large enough that nobody is in the blast. Unfortunately Johnny has some dice that are very hard for Jane to read.
  Jane: Now that is...some sort of rune.
  Mike: Is that a J?!
  • In the aftermath of the Thunder Wave Mike makes an obviously awful pun (calling it "crispy duck"), then lampshades - in another Take That Us - that it's what he's supposed to be doing as Merilwen. Ellen laughs so hard she actually slaps the table.
• Ellen finally gets a joke in about the duck when she asks Johnny if it's horse-sized.
• Luke has some problems getting to grips with Prudence's sheet: first he suggests charm person (the duck isn't humanoid), then hellish rebuke (a counterattack ability), then Dob punching himself in Prudence's face to trigger hellish rebuke, then when it is patiently explained by three people at once that it doesn't work like that, letting Prudence be hit by the duck. Even when people are painstakingly leading him to use eldritch blast, he avoids it.
  Johnny: For the record, I am perfectly happy for you to stand under a duck and hope it hits you.
• The lengthy period of bewilderment from all concerned peaks when they have to figure out whether Dob has parked Prudence's body in the moonbeam or not and if so who will be hit by the hellish rebuke.
  Luke: How have I Don't-Be-A-Dobbed this?!
• Andy gets Hoist by His Own Petard.
  Ellen: I go to my safe place, and I pick out Corazón's shortbow, that he has never used!
• A fumble from Ellen causes Corazón to lose the best sword he's ever owned. Andy is next.
  Andy: I go after the sword.
  Johnny: I can't fault that. Roll me a Wisdom check.
  Mike: Don't forget the modifier.
• As Andy's turn ends, he uses a bonus Paladin reaction to provide a protective ward around a party member.
  Mike: I can do that?
  Andy: It's RIGHT HERE!
  Mike: I should use that sometime.
• Luke responds with an immediate wince when Jane uses one of his lute strings as an improvised garotte.
• After failing a roll while in bear form fighting the duck, Mike asks if he can use the Animal Handling skill instead, since he's kind of handling an animal. Ellen laughs so hard she nearly suffers some kind of medical emergency.
• Luke asks if there's anything they want to do in each other's bodies and immediately realises what a mistake that was.
• Merilwen uses disguise self to stop looking like Corazón.
  Luke: And I cast...[starts waving one hand over the character sheet like he's about to select one at random while both Ellen and Andy try to stop him]
• Corazón lays out an elaborate plan to shimmy up a drainpipe and jimmy a lock. It actually works, although there is a tremendous amount of collateral damage.
  Johnny: Would you like to roll for it, or would you like to take 15 points of bludgeoning damage now?
• Johnny throws Mike a bone and immediately regrets it.
  Johnny: We're going to say for all intents and purposes you're sober now.
  Mike: Yep! But I am still a bear and I've sort of forgotten-
  Johnny: [Face Palm] Oh my God.
• When Egbert in bear form (Egbeart?) does a cheerful dance on the nightingale floor and some guards rush up, Corazón claims to be from Animal Control and Dob claims to be a bear inspector. This leads to an argument. In front of the guards.
  Corazón: Did you leave crumbs on the floor? 'Cause that's how you get bears.
  Dob: None of this bear is up to code.
• Johnny calls for a round of Charisma (Performance) checks. Corazón gets a natural 20. Dob gets a natural 1. Just as Luke is trying to argue for averaging them out to 10, Prudence also gets a natural 1.
  Luke: Five?
• Corazón's enthusiasm for using Egbert's healing abilities on his own body (the one Merilwen is reluctantly using) is noticeable. Prudence gets in the act by repairing some of the damage Dob did to her own body. Egbert decides to cast confusion on his own body in the hope that Corazón won't make him look too good. Andy fails the roll, although it's not hard to guess because in the interval between the die landing and Andy actually saying it, Luke nearly falls out of his chair laughing.
• Andy at first doesn't realise that he's being called on, and then has trouble figuring out which die he's supposed to be rolling. Mike jokes that he's really getting into it. Then, based on a random roll, he sprints headlong into a wall. This, in Johnny's words, "crinkle[s] up your snout like a beer can," to much wincing.
  Mike, explaining his entire character in one line: I didn't really think this through.
• Upon seeing a teammate hurt, Dob instinctively goes to heal him. Problem one: Dob is not using his own spell list. Problem two: The spell list he is using is Prudence's.
  Luke: I can't cure wounds, so what comes out?
  Johnny: Probably agonising blast.
• After comparing the frantic healing to clearing up after an event, Johnny revises their imagery: this is more like a band trashing their hotel room, and hitting Egbert's body with an agonising blast is "the telly going through the window."
• Knowing that he won't have the infinite-use eldritch laser he's been deliberately avoiding using on actual enemies, Dob just spams blasts out of the window. This leads to some brief questions about the bullet drop and trajectory on an eldritch blast.
• Because the Oxventurers can't demand their money back twice, once they're restored to their own bodies, they mug Michael for his hair.
• As soon as the real Rufus shows up, Dob tries to cast eldritch blast.
  Johnny: You're calling, but Cthulhu ain't pickin' up.
• Corazón immediately goes for the logical thing, given that he's still disguised as Rufus after Merilwen used disguise self: he claims to be Rufus from the future, and there's no time to explain. Johnny facepalms and then just shrugs and calls for a die roll. It works. Corazón immediately tells him to leave and start running, and not to stop running until he appears to him again.
  Corazón: Well, that's him out of the picture. Let's run away also, but in the other direction.
• The prize in the pig-guessing turns out to be a jar of jellybeans.
  Announcer: Sometimes you have to guess the weight of the jar of jellybeans, and then you win the pig. We have fun here.
• Corazón pays the pig two jellybeans.
  Johnny: This is what happens when we wrap four minutes early.
• Dob insists that none of Prudence's spell slots were used flippantly. Jane responds with a Death Glare before giving up.

Story 54: "Tome Sweet Tome"

• Corazón and Dob ensure during introductions that everything isn't going to be jokes about Zoom meetings.
• Johnny describes the group as taking a rest at Folk's Bounty after the Orb-Polcaypse. Dob ensures it's a long rest.
• Folk's Bounty is a well known tourist town for its powerful wizard: Corazon immediately gets nervous. Johnny reassures that it's not Binbag.
• This wizard has a book that can make anything written within come real. Johnny describes that this would be an awful thing in the hands of the wrong person. Prudence raises her hand.
• Corazon wonders if the fact that the Oxventurers turning up was written in this magical book. Johnny clarifies: Not everything in Folk's Bounty occurs to the magic book.
• Dob jumps into a pond, and decides he's going to catch some koi for eating. While Corazon sets up a chaise and Egbert goes for some umbrella drinks, Ellen bursts out laughing: Dob rolled a 1 to catch the koi. And so, he inhales a carp which is now inside his lung and has enough water to keep alive.
  Dob: You only need one lung.
  Corazón: We're here two minutes, and you already have carp-lung.
• Egbert pours Dob's umbrella drink into the other lung. Merilwen, meanwhile, casts Speak with Animals on the carp.
• The wizard, whose name is Trashsack, sits around hearing petitions to write in the magic book. Immediately Johnny calls for an investigation roll. Egbert gets a 1, and concludes the wizard must be evil, and will kill or trap people.
• After a failed attempt to create a second conjuring book for Dob, Trashsack remarks that the Guild "seems" nice. Prudence shoots a look.
• Corazón and Prudence note how not only is Trashsack writing things on a scroll and not in this magical conjuring book, but he seems fearful, as if he knows he's lying to the people. Merilwen concludes the real book must've been stolen, and Dob thinks the wizard spends all night going around doing the tasks.
• Dob brings Trashsack to the tavern: A cozy place run by a woman named Winifred. Dob tries to convince her they've known her for years. She runs with it, and Dob immediately asks how Ray is. Johnny plays along, but then asks Dob for a Charisma check.
• The carp is still in Dob's lung, and Dob must roll a Dex check whenever he tries to help himself to bar peanuts. He immediately rolls another 1: The fish eats so much that Johnny imposes a movement penalty because Dob has swollen carp lung.
• Corazón talks to Trashsack and he comes clean: Merilwen is right that the book was missing. He asks if the look of abject terror gave it away, and Corazón agrees, but also points out the fact that he was writing on a scroll and not the book itself. Trashsack clarifies: He usually doesn't bring the book: Too many people try to steal an all-powerful book, like when Egbert did it. Still believing the wizard is evil, Egbert does the "I'm watching you" hand motion...and also Mike does it with his dragonborn costume helmet.
• Trashsack lost the book after drinking too much at Winifred's. Egbert asks for a lost and found, but Merilwen quickly jumps in she's looking for any book, not the magic one. Winifred turns up a treatise on turnips: Egbert takes that anyway: He'll file it away with the umbrella full of bees Prudence gave him that he never used.
  Johnny: Two years from now, you'll use it. It'll be the deepest cut, the fans will love it.
• The guild is told that anyone can write down things to happen in the book. Dob then immediately wonders if anything new has happened recently, such as new fortresses on a hill.
  Dob: Ray is king now when he wasn't?
  Corazón: Jerry is 200 feet tall and solid gold?
  Johnny: Well...unless someone wrote Ray out of existence and memory by writing in the book?
  Dob: Oh my God, what if Ray's enemies got the book!
  Merilwen:(deadpan)I'm starting to worry about Ray.
• To save face, Trashsack asks if the other tasks can be completed: This involves bread for the town baker, since he can't bake, and finding a husband for the dowager down the road. Dob remarks that saving Ray will handle that.
• The group marks off the alleyway with crime scene tape: Which is actually hempen rope painted as unsold Beeples merchandise while Corazon picks up items and twists them in his hand as a piano sting plays.
• Given that a thief has stolen the book, Merilwen asks Dob where Katie Pearlhead is: As it turns out, she has a second sense when the Guild gets into a wacky adventure and ducks out. So Dob casts Message and asks if she's stolen anything: Unshelled pistachios.
  Dob: Oh yeah, let me hear that crunch.
• She hasn't stolen the book, but she's willing to put out some feelers. However, she asks if this is a Dob and Friends style investigation, or full-on Pearlhead?
  Dob: Oh, you do you.
• The conversation then devolves into a "you stop messaging first"
  Johnny: I hung up, you Messaged again.
  Dob: Oh, must've been a butt-Message.
• Dob decides to go find the broken door to fix, but thanks to having no plan, and carp-lung, by the time he finds it, Merilwen's already fixing the door. However, Merilwen doesn't have Stone Shape prepared, and everyone ribs her. So Corazón casts Minor Illusion. To distract the man from the illusion, Dob begins inquiring about Ray, and tells the man he's a suspect. Johnny rolled a natural 20...but being distracted causes Disadvantage, and gets a 6 instead. The group then decides to throw the man into the house to avoid the rubble...and he gets a concussion. But at least he can't remember the door being destroyed.
• With this "victory" assured, the group goes to bake bread. Corazon thinks to do Minor Illusion again, but wonders if someone else might have another spell.
  Johnny(to Merilwen): Bread Shape?
• Merilwen uses the other spell, Flame Blade, to cook bread.
  Johnny: You remember we're tracking spell slots, right?
• Dob points out the steps to bake bread...forgetting that ingredients need to be mixed first. Dob apparently thinks you need lemon zest and vanilla extract.
  Prudence: That's cake, Dob.
  Dob: I milk a vanilla!
• Merilwen shapeshifts into a chicken to lay eggs. That's not an ingredient in bread. Johnny also points out that no one added water. While Johnny tries to determine what sort of roll could occur, Dob points out that Egbert has natural moisture. And that is what finally revolts the audience.
• Dob examines the bread, and the fish in his lung eats a third of it.
• Egbert must now woo the dowager, who is sitting on her porch expectantly with a pitcher of lemonade. Egbert downs it and the resulting Constitution check makes him gassy.
• Dob is convinced that Merilwen is licensed to perform marriages. She rolls with it and marries Egbert to the widow. While still in chicken form.
• The widow offers another glass of lemonade, but then it starts doing the Jurassic Park rippling. As it turns out, an amateurish-looking Tyrannosaurus Rex comes around the corner. Merilwen lays an egg involuntarily.
• Dob fights first, and decides he's going to cast Shatter on a sensory organ within the T-Rex's skull, as modern history suggests.
  Johnny: Oh thank God, I thought you were going to stay still and pretend it didn't see you.
• After Dob hits it with Shatter, Johnny comments that it's reaching up to try and claw at its chin, and Luke mocks its inability to even reach its chin with those tiny arms. Johnny inflicts five points of psychic damage on the dinosaur for that burn.
• Luke, font of dinosaur knowledge, comments that the T-rex saying "roar" is inaccurate...because it would actually be making a very unexciting low honking noise.
• This exchange:
  Johnny: [The T-rex] says, verbatim, "Raaaar! I'm gonna eat you all up..."
  Ellen: (charmed) Awww!
  Johnny: And then it's going to try and eat you.
  Ellen: (much less charmed) Aww.
  Luke: Sick!
• Then Johnny rolls a 1, making it fall over.
• Merilwen goes next, and casts Dispel Magic on this obviously fake T-Rex. Johnny swears at this complete shock of a move.
• Corazón wonders that a child must've gotten hold of the book, since it wouldn't be hard to make an accurate T-Rex attack. Dob points out that a real T-rex would probably act more like a scavenger. Johnny silently sobs.
• Prudence decides she'll cast Banish on the T-Rex. It only lasts for a minute, but that's plenty of time to make an escape. Then it's the widow's problem. Prudence wonders what she could use to banish the T-Rex, and Andy suggests Jurassic Park III. Prudence wonders if she could have a Blu-Ray disc in order to banish properly, but Egbert suggests a DVD, they're cheaper and the lower resolution would probably make things worse for the T-Rex.
  Luke: The latest research suggests T-Rex's were AV snobs.
• As such, Corazon hands her a VHS tape.
  Merilwen: It stands for Very Hardy Scroll.
• The T-Rex is banished, so the group cheeses it. The widow asks where Egbert, her new husband is going.
  Egbert: I love you, but I'm not in love with you. Bye!
  Heckler: And you said the T-rex was cold-blooded.
• Because of the amateur T-Rex, the book is probably in the hands of some child.
  Corazón: I kill every child.
  Dob: My specialty!
• Dob calls Katie and asks if she found out any ideas. While she's eager to rough up and/or rob some children, she doesn't know anything new, and asks Dob if he's taking those supplements that make him feel like he's wasting away. Merilwen looks for the pills. She gets them, but then Dob sees them and takes some. It kills the fish in his lung. She does say, however, the kids congregate around a tree and throw rocks at it.
  Dob: Ah, that's a TikTok.
  Johnny: Rock, not clock.
  Merilwen: I think you're confusing that with Vine. (this last pun makes the tree die)
• Andy and Luke brought bee costumes to convention and put them on mid show.
  Johnny: I have never been more nervous about a dice roll.
  Audience: Is this worse than Bad Chair Day?
  Johnny: Yes.
• Jane's reaction to the costumes:
  Jane: Maybe I can convince the T-rex to eat me.
• Corazón and Dob go forth as the Beeples, talking about writing a new song about a magic book. As Johnny defeatedly deliberates, Dob rolls a 19, causing Johnny to swear again.
  Dob: Our tour bus broke down! Because it was full of bees.
• Johnny points out that all Beeples songs are less than 30 seconds for legal reasons.
• Johnny remarks that a whelp named Sprat stole the book, and is hiding underground. Specifically, not because he's dead.
• Merilwen finds a manhole cover, but Corazón and Dob can't get in because their wings get stuck. It's enough time for the badly drawn amateur T-rex to return from banishment...and notice its favorite band the Beeples. So they sing Eleanor Rig-bee.
• In the sewer, Dob hears a song echo, so he thinks there is an illusiary wall. It's real, and the impact causes the fish skeleton to partially dislodge and Merilwen has to pull it out.
• Dob is hoping Merilwen can Stone Shape the wall away...forgetting that Merilwen hasn't prepared that spell. Dob, of course, is still running full sprint at the wall.
• Egbert decides to breach and clear. Corazon wants to examine the wall, but Egbert has already put the bomb down. And lit the fuse.
• As the bomb explodes, Johnny calls for a roll not to be caught in a bomb blast and covered in sewage. Egbert and Corazón get dirty 20s, so they strike a cool pose. Merilwen gets a 14, so her pose is okay. Prudence gets a 10, so she's more cowering behind Egbert's shield. Dob gets yet another 1.
  Dob: Is the costume ruined.
  Johnny: I'm saying that, but Dob is a law unto himself.
• When Sprat accidentally blurts out he has the book, he quickly writes into the book that he didn't give it away. When Egbert points out that would confirm that he had the book, Johnny returns that Sprat, being a child, won't be embarrassed, and that's how children think.
  Corazón: He's probably quite easy to kill.
  Johnny: His AC is low.
• Sprat uses the book to ensure Corazón didn't tell him about the nude cheat code.
• Merilwen and Corazón pull another ploy where they say that people who use the book...eventually, their butt falls off and everyone can see it.
• Sprat draws another bad dinosaur to get away. Dob immediately tell Merilwen to use Stone Shape and seal the kid inside. Instead, Merilwen uses the spell she did prepare: Polymorph, and turn Dob into a bee.
• Prudence wins initiative, and, convinced that Johnny doesn't want her to murder the child, weighs up banishing him. Unfortunately, Sprat wrote earlier in that Prudence can't banish.
  Johnny: For those of you watching, an audience member just said "kill him."
  Corazón: We paid for blood!
  Dob: There's an energy in the room, I feel we're all going to regret later.
  Johnny: Said he of the orphanage.
  Dob: I regretted it later.
  Corazón: All that's left is Hunger of Hadar.
  Prudence: Fine.
• The plot derails to discuss how big the dinosaur is.
  Corazón: How much acid can you put on a child.
• Egbert goes next, and casts Command on Sprat. His one word: Behave!
  Egbert: Give me that book now!
  Johnny: Can I keep the ankylosaurus?
  Egbert: No! Only good boys get to keep the ankylosaurus!
  Corazón: I open the book, and write Sprat's butt falls off.
• Dob continues to lecture Sprat. He is still shapeshifted as a bee.

Story 55: "Wedded Redemption"

• The adventure begins at a bus stop: Dob has gone off on a foreign exchange program, and the rest of the Guild is waiting for a different adventurer that is replacing him. The bus is pulled by horses, because internal combustion engines aren't invented yet.
• Once this new adventurer, Aubrey the tabaxi, has been met, he extends his paw for a handshake: Corazón assumes this is who purchased Dob. Prudence is quite eager to know how much money he was worth.
• Egbert is curious as to Aubrey's outfit. Apparently, his country is full of Breton stripes and utilitarian workwear.
• Egbert clarifies that Dob will come back...unless he gets killed on the other adventure. Johnny remarks that Corazón obviously didn't purchase the insurance.
  Corazón: It's a scam, that's how they get you.
• As it turns out, this exchange program also generates a quest to facilitate this mutual learning, told courtesy of Norman, a boring man with a clipboard facilitating the exchange.
  Corazón: I hate those things.
• Egbert knows what he likes.
  Johnny: You're going to a wedding—
  Egbert: Yay!
  Johnny: ...reception.
  Egbert: Even better!
• In a bit of Canon Welding, the wedding's bride is Michaela Fortescue, the distant ancestor of Barnaby Fortescue.
• Johnny sets the quest: At this wedding reception, the guild needs to prevent the assassination of Viscount Michael Featherby, father of the other bride. If the Guild doesn't... they won't get back their deposit.
• Once the tour guide opens for questions, the guild knows exactly what's important:
  Corazón: Cash or open bar?^note The Featherby family are vintners, so wine is open bar, but spirits are cash.
  Egbert: Sit down meal or buffet?^note It's sit down, which disappoints Egbert.
  Aubrey: Do they have feline allergies?^note In G'eth, tabaxi are hypoallergenic.
  Corazón: Are we expected to bring a present? Because I don't want to.^note Save the father's life, and spin that as the gift.
• Prudence asks whom might have a grudge against Viscount Featherby: Lord Fortescue disapproves of the marriage and might make a move; Featherby's wronged a few business partners in the past, and the Featherby servants are routinely disgruntled.
  Egbert: That's more information than we usually get.
• Egbert wishes the meal was a buffet: It's a lot easier to hide how much you eat.
• Corazón asks how one might reach this hour-away reception? When Norman offers nothing, Corazón swears. But after Johnny rolls, the bus is still there, so the Guild thinks about stealing it, but then asks nicely.
• Johnny calls for a Persuasion roll: Everyone does well, except Merilwen, who gets a 5. The bus driver says he would love to drive them all to the wedding... but druids have to be kept off the seats. When the driver adds that "there is a lot of cat hair on her, in fairness," Aubrey climbs onto the luggage rack.
• Johnny describes the Featherby estate. Someone in the audience blows a whistle when the menagerie is described. And immediately after leaving, Egbert wants to do the garden's hedge maze. He leaves the group in order to do so. Johnny calls for a Wisdom roll, and Egbert gets a 3: And so, he has not yet figured out how to enter the hedge maze.
• Aubrey decides to bluff in by using a fake signet ring. Johnny calls for a Charisma roll to beat a contested Wisdom roll.
  Harry: (beat) What would happen if it didn't work?
  Johnny: Yes, that's a pretty piece of chipped glass.
  Harry: Thank you!
• The group is allowed in: Viscount Featherby points out that he often lets in groups of paupers so they can see how empty their lives are.
  Corazón: This is the guy we're supposed to NOT get killed?
• As the group enters, Corazón looks at the string quartets and thinks Egbert would have loved seeing that: He has assumed Egbert died in the hedge maze. Egbert, meanwhile, is doing better: He gets an 8 on his next check.
  Johnny: You see the entrance to the hedge maze and think that's my in!
• Despite Johnny's gentle nudging that perhaps Egbert should make his way back to the party, Egbert instead ventures forth to Johnny's call for another Wisdom roll to see how quickly he gets lost. Egbert rolls a 2.
  Andy: Yes, Harry, it's always like this.
  Harry: Wait, if the roll was for how immediately you get lost, you crit failed that roll.
  (Johnny looks absolutely horrified) Oh my God, no!
  Mike: Is immediately getting lost better than taking ages to get lost?
  Johnny: You clip into the wall.
• Andy keeps requesting outlandish party features. Including a photo booth, which is a guy doing portraits.
  Harry: He's using oils, there's a 36-hour dry time.
• While everyone is casing around, Corazón wonders if he can see anyone cackling and brandishing a knife. He's getting a 4. Prudence looks around for Mr. Fortescue, on the grounds that he'll look similar to his daughter. She gets a 9.
  Johnny: Gonna be one of those kinds of sessions.
• Aubrey's suggestion is to find a semi-dead animal and bring it inside.
  Corazón: You do that, I'll watch.
• Aubrey goes for it and heads to the menagerie to find an animal. The animals themselves are too dangerous to attack, being large cockatrices, but it is feeding time, so Aubrey heads for a water-rat. Just as he does so, the stage lights come on. This is treated as a divine message.
• Aubrey's uncomfortable killing the water-rat in cold blood. So Corazón stomps on it. Harry now picks up the water-flat.
  Corazón: Ah, now you're getting it.
• Egbert finally gets a good roll in the hedge maze. Corazón suggests that he just burn the maze. Johnny remarks that this would actually be a good move.
• Aubrey gives the water-flat to the father of the bride, who has to come up with an excessive excuse on how to get rid of it.
  Aubrey: He is on my wavelength.
  Corazón: This is a lot like having Dob, actually.
• Corazón finds a staff member about his build, and tells him to go into the isolating corridor. After increasingly Bad "Bad Acting", Corazón has to roll a Charisma roll. He gets a 10. Fortunately, Johnny got a 9. So the staff member goes to the isolating corridor and Corazón tries to choke him out. And gets a natural 1, which translates into the staff member stooping to tie his shoe, and Corazón going over him and slamming into the wall with the grace of a cat colliding into a baby gate.
• The staff member tells Corazón he doesn't want to kill the Viscount, because, jerk aside, he does pay them. He would, however, like it if the Viscount got maimed.
• Egbert is still lost in the maze, and hears the dinner bell. So he runs through the maze. When Johnny asks for a saving throw, Mike rolls and tries to bargain it to be Strength/Athletics. It's a Constitution saving throw, though. Mike still gets a 21.
• Aubrey has a plan and asks Merilwen to help him get Mr. Fortescue's aide out of the room. She does a theatric sneeze and hits his spoonful of bisque. She rolls, and gets a 19.
  Johnny: Not even Dob gets this much food on him.
  Merilwen: He'll be so proud of me.
• The aide is concerned because if Mr. Fortescue realizes he can use a spoon, he'll be fired. Also, he doesn't know how to use a salt shaker, but that's just to watch his sodium intake.
• Aubrey casts Alter Self to look like this aide while Merilwen fusses over the real one. He begins feeding Mr. Fortescue the bisque, and then subtly tells him the "preparations are in order." Johnny is taken aback by the sheer perfection of Aubrey's plan.
• A chime falls on the crowd, and Johnny calls for a perception roll. Aubrey gets a natural 1, Prudence gets a natural 20, while Corazón does well. Egbert doesn't roll: He's seated at the kid's table and is talking about the awesome hedge maze.
• Prudence's Natural 20 has her notice that the Viscount's wine glass is smoking, so she uses Mage Hand. Corazón is angry because that's his spell, and immediately casts Mage Hand as well. Aubrey sheepishly asks to cast Mage Hand as well.
• Aubrey's natural 1 causes him to believe that a roast swan is going to necromantically rise from the dead. He casts Fire Bolt on it, rolling a 13 to hit.
  Johnny: I would say that beats the Armor Class of a dead swan.
• Aubrey uses his free paw to cover his charge's eyes, and says "you don't need to be afraid anymore" as the roast swan explodes.
• Since Corazón and Prudence used Mage Hand together, they did swat away the poisoned goblet, which is so toxic it destroys an oil painting. However, the two hands smack the Viscount around, so Corazón saves face by saying he gave an excellent speech. And rolls enough Charisma to pass.
• An angry man storms out. Corazón and Prudence follow him: Egbert gets distracted by the exploded swan's wishbone. Of course, he eats the swan meat on it first. He then uses the wishbone and wins. Johnny asks for the wish, and Egbert wishes for the killer to reveal himself embarrassingly. Unfortunately, wishbones don't work in G'eth.
• Merilwen's idea of cleaning the aide was to reverse Create Water in order to draw out the stain: That has created a huge dry stain instead. It also makes the aide dehydrated.
• Corazón rolls a natural 1 on a Stealth check and collided into the man he was chasing.
• Corazón remarks that all three of the suspects are no good since none of them seem to have any motive...then wishes Egbert was involved because Egbert could cast Zone of Truth.
• Prudence tries to interrogate the man by waterboarding him in wine. One roll of 7 later, she kicks him in the shins.
• The group goes to find their new suspect: The head sommelier, Chase. Aubrey gets inspiration by using Minor Illusion to create a new goblet similar to Viscount Weatherby's in the hopes that the man who fills it will be Chase. Sure enough, this guy pours the wine, which goes directly on the table, causing the table to dissolve. Aubrey immediate says the wine is corked.
• The business partner, desperate to inform the Viscount of the attempted murder, runs down the table, kicking over cake and cheese, then attempts to punt away the goblet...not realizing it was an illusion, and slips so hard he lands on his neck and falls unconscious.
• Johnny calls for another perception check: Egbert gets a natural 1, and is convinced a child stole his juice.
• Merilwen sees Chase retreating behind a bookcase secret corridor. Aubrey casts Slow on him. Since the spell casts in a cube, it ignores walls. He'll also slow other people around, just for chuckles. Unfortunately, because the spell is Concentration-based, Aubrey can't maintain Alter Self and loses his disguise. But that's all fine, because Chase has a buffering wheel on his figure and he moves in slight spurts.
• Corazón asks Egbert if he's going to join in: Egbert will as soon as he gets his juice box back from the child. Johnny asks how he'll do this, and Egbert remarks on his +4 to Strength. And he gets a natural 20.
  Egbert: Wish that dice roll was for something useful.
  Johnny: You're not using your mace, are you?
  Corazón: No, his breath weapon. Don't kill a child at this wedding.
• Egbert flings the child at the wall. The kid is knocked unconscious. However, Egbert does cast Cure Wounds on him.
• Chase might've been slowed down, but the Guild doesn't know how to open the secret bookcase door. Corazón wastes no time looking for book titles that are puns about doors. Before Johnny can get far with that, Merilwen casts Stone Shape on the wall next to the bookcase and angles it to reach inside. Johnny nearly leaves the table.
  Corazón: So none of them are called ''Door'' by I.M A.Handle.
• Corazón refuses to use the Stone Shape corridor, because Merilwen is looking smug. He finds a lion statue that is the trigger mechanism, which bites him. He casts Grease to remove his hand, then looks at Merilwen's Stone shape and declares that to be the door. He gets Inspiration for that.
• Since Chase is moving slowly, it's not too hard to catch up to him. Aubrey asks if it's necessary to talk to him...or if he can just be eviscerated. Someone else wants to know.
• Corazón tells Egbert to use Zone of Truth on Chase, but instead, Egbert decides to intimidate Chase with his mace. When it doesn't work, Egbert taps him with it, and the curse triggers. This turns him into a piercer, a stalactite looking monster with a giant eye. He can no longer talk, but he has blindsight. Corazón sticks a cork on the pointy end.
  • Better yet, Mike apparently forgot Egbert's mace could do that, and only wanted to prove he meant business by smashing the guy's finger. Judging by the reaction of Ellen, Jane, and the crowd, Mike was the only one who forgot about that curse
  Johnny: Egbert has a slightly cursed mace.
  Egbert: (Beat) Oh yeah!
  Johnny: If he hits anything with it and then rolls a six, it turns into a random animal.
  Egbert: Oh yeah!
  Johnny: The last time he did this, he turned a museum curator into a seal.
  Egbert: (Gesturing to the Seal Gaiman stuffed toy) You'd think having it in front of me would remind me of my cursed mace.
• Prudence finds a weird slip of paper with residue on it in Chase's uniform, so Corazón wants to analyze it. He needs to invent chemistry first, but rolls a 3.
  Johnny: You have invented homeopathy.
• Corazón still tries to analyze it, and after another terrible roll, decides to use Inspiration and use another die.
  Johnny: You rolled a d12, Andy, you should at least give yourself a crack.
• Corazón doesn't learn what it is exactly, but he's pretty sure it's a poison, and wants to find a living creature to test it on. The only other creature is the piercer that Chase was turned into, and he tries to get away from the poison. Looking like a wacky waving inflatable tube man.
  Corazón: Oh, I see, don't want to eat your own residue.
  (Aubrey facepalms)
  Egbert: That seems like a perfectly acceptable position to hold.
• Egbert decides to hit the piercer again with the mace and it turns him into a Troglodyte. Thanks to Comprehend Languages, Corazón can talk to him and find out the man who hired him was Norman, the observer. Aubrey is horrified: Norman has his home address.
• Corazón tries to rough up Norman, but the poor dice rolls inconvenience him.
  Johnny: I've never felt so confident that you're going to roll poorly.
  Andy: Hey, that's a nineteen!
  Johnny: Bugger.
• Norman reveals the plan: He created the poisoning adventure so that the group had something to do. Also, since combat is necessary, he set loose the cockatrices in the menagerie. Aubrey casts Banish on him, to send him to a place where he would also get stampeded by dangerous animals set free.
• Cockatrices attack: Corazón skewers one and Prudence finishes it off with Agonizing Blast. For the 2nd time, a bird explodes.
• Aubrey goes next: He uses his sorcery points to use a Fireball that is careful to avoid collateral damage. He One-Hit Kill the thing, turning it into pink mist, and barbecues the other one to near-death. Naturally, he fires these out of his tail.
  Egbert: It's amazing playing with someone who knows the rules.
• After this damage spree:
  Corazón: He's the same level as us. Have we made suboptimal characters?
  Johnny: Yes!
• Merilwen drily remarks that she had been going to cast Animal Friendship.
• After Merilwen finishes off the final cockatrice, the brides, drunk on bellinis and thinking the whole thing was a performance, cheer. Corazón passes around a hat, and then, a portal opens and Norman's corpse drops on the floor.
• Corazón doesn't know how they're going to get Dob back, given the exchange program planner is now dead. Egbert suggests they go wait at the bus stop.
  Johnny: (to Harry) Are you doing much for the rest of the year?

Story 56: "Let's Get Fiscal"

• As soon as it opens, Andy claims that Corazón is the main character. Mike then claims Egbert is the fifth main character.
• Luke explains that he's using Johnny's notes, because they were unable to make it to the session, so any enjoyment should be viewed as Johnny's accomplishment. Andy jokes that these notes just say "Kill Egbert."
  Luke: Act 1: Egbert's funeral. The sun is setting on a life poorly lived.
• In a tavern, they're approached by a little girl who asks Corazón's identity.
  Corazón: I'm not falling for this again, I am not your father!
• The little girl and a little boy who step out from behind her then start laying an extremely obvious trail of Corazón Bait, managing to cast aspersions on his bravery and offer a tremendous amount of money. Corazón still doesn't go for it. Eventually Luke starts dangling bait for other players by claiming that the little boy seems to also have some atonement in his pocket and is carrying a huge bow that Luke compares to a purple-rarity item drop in a videogame.
  Prudence: Turn the kid upside-down and shake him out. Like a loot pinata.
• It turns out that what the kids were actually after was to deliver a notice that Corazón was being audited, and then the little girl kicks the table. A mechanism works and it flips over to reveal an officiously-dressed and goofily-voiced gnome named Sigmund Fuddlestuff.
  Corazón: I grab the table and try and spin it back the other way.^note Luke sets the difficulty at 17; Andy rolls a 4.
• Merilwen's status as the group treasurer works against her when the audit starts and everyone tries to shift the blame to her.
• The audit goes poorly.
  Sigmund: How much money does the Guild have?
  Merilwen: I don't know.
• When Merilwen brings up the whole "lake" thing:
  Sigmund: The GIORS takes a dim view of offshore investing, I'm afraid.
• Corazón takes advantage of the distraction to take off his more ostentatious rings.
• The absence of Dob, the party member most responsible for their chaotic financial situation, causes certain problems.
  Corazón: About the only thing we know about Dob is that they are real.
• Sigmund asks if Dob's engagement is for tax benefits.
  Merilwen: Not for his benefit.
  Egbert: Someone's going to be benefiting, we're not yet clear if it's going to be him.
  Merilwen: It's very clear, Egbert.
• This mess causes a little mechanical red flag to pop up, which the Guild desperately hopes is a good sign.
  Sigmund: It's good for me because I'm paid by the hour.
• In one of the wildest examples of Geth being an Adventure-Friendly World, it turns out that submitting an extension form to the tax service requires retrieving the form from the Dungeon of Temporary Extension.
  Egbert: Is there a Dungeon of Permanent Extension?
  Sigmund: Ha! You're funny. I'm writing that in my book. I'm thinking of doing stand-up. It's going in the Tight Five.
  Andy: It's amazing, isn't it? Dungeons and Dragons can be literally anything you want it to be. Fantasy, high stakes...infinite possibilities, and we're doing tax forms.
• Corazón is reduced to insisting that instead of crushed velvet he's wearing a very cheap form of sackcloth.
• The first objective is to get over a pit with see-saws. It is, naturally, five feet wider than the range of Egbert's teleports. When he tries to jump far enough to finish the teleport and Luke sets the difficulty to 18, Mike tries to use Egbert's powerful thighs and the vestigial wings he probably has to argue for a lower difficulty, then gets a critical 1 anyway. This is all happening while Merilwen is explaining how they're supposed to do it.
• Corazón immediately proposes Merilwen's idea, then hastily backpedals when Prudence backs up Merilwen, then immediately goes back to it when Sigmund says, "Corazón's right!"
• Merilwen blurts out that Corazón probably has enough gold in his pockets to add to his weight, and Corazón immediately tries to hastily deny it, culminating in them determining that he replaced the gold with a considerable weight in gravel after donating it to a local orphanage.
• They find a room that's been painted to look like a warm beach, full of kobolds offering drinks and food. Mike asks whether this is some sort of Cayman Islands simulation.
• Corazón wonders whether the test here is how many sliders they can eat, and if so, volunteers Egbert. However, since it's called the Test of the Spine, Prudence suspects a limbo contest.
• Corazón takes the opportunity to talk about how there's never any money left with all the orphans he helps.
  Sigmund: The orphans of Geth must love the Oxventurers' Guild!
• When the Test begins, the kobolds begin chanting "SPINE! SPINE!"
• Corazón beats the test by folding himself basically in half, to the point where Luke compares him to a Tetris piece.
  Corazón: 'And that's why I shouldn't pay any tax,' I say.
• They get Prudence under the pole by having Prudence distract them with a hula dance, then Corazón steals the pole and uses an illusion to make it appear to still be there. Given the short duration on minor illusion, Prudence then has to distract the kobolds again by crunking...and Jane admits that she doesn't actually know how to crunk.
• The next room, the Great Maze, is one that Fuddlestuff says always scares him a little bit...in a very Mr. Bean kind of voice.
• Corazón and Prudence attempt to enlist Egbert to help torture the gnome. When he declines, Corazón just advises him to turn around, while drawing a stiletto knife from his boot.
• The Great Maze contains a "Mino-Calcula-Taur". When Corazón tries to ask what the test is, Fuddlestuff starts going off about the knee-slapping process of putting together the name. Andy starts to regret even asking by about word number three and eventually chokes Fuddlestuff unconscious.
• The battle consists largely of yelling answers to maths questions, culminating in one that goes wrong because Ellen heard "million" instead of "billion".
  Merilwen: Enunciate, Mino-Calcula-Taur!
• Merilwen realises after the whole mess that she's still a duck. Her opening gambit is to fly up and poop in the Mino-Calcula-Taur's eyes. Luke has some trouble figuring out what to roll for a Flying Pooping check.
  Prudence: 'What would Dob do?'
  Luke: It's like he's in the room.
• Since this is taking place at MCM Birmingham, Andy is naturally concerned that Rob Wiethoff, the voice of John Marston from Red Dead Redemption, will overhear and think they're weird.
• Corazón attempts to jam the gears with the unconscious form of Fuddlestuff. It works, and Fuddlestuff even survives.
• Mike misremembers and thinks some of the Mino-Calcula-Taur's brain is exposed. Andy compares this to inventing a peanut allergy. It turns out that it's sort-of vulnerable, leading to Egbert channelling Dob by proposing to breathe fire through its head while Merilwen is still sitting on it in duck form. This melts the monster's head.
• Merilwen has to thread a bit of a needle to take out the Mino-Calcula-Taur without hitting Egbert or the gnome.
• "Is a gnome a melee weapon?" - Ellen Rose, 2021. Luke determines the answer is no, and recommends emailing Wizards of the Coast about it.

Story 57: "Hog Wild"

• As the story opens, Corazón apologizes for burning down a distillery. Prudence wonders why, Dob is huffing the fumes, Merilwen has to take care of a very high Dob. And, as "Literally everyone else in the world", it was technically Johnny's distillery that burned down.
• Corazón remarks that the group was supposed to be headed to a chalet for a party with jousts and a masquerade. Dob thinks that Corazón is hosting the party, but he isn't, he "scored" some "invites."
• There is a struggle for Johnny to get the Guild to go on the quest. Dob, on one hand, wants to help Cesuira and the town. Egbert, however, likes to take a vacation. Corazón comes around when he gets paid time and a half.
• Cesuira explains the problem: The Solstice Feast is to have a huge hog roast. However, the town has no hog.
  Corazón: Merilwen, can you turn into that?
  Egbert: I can summon one.
  Merilwen: I can't get over the fact that Corazón offered me up as dinner.
  Corazón: That's not how I choose to remember it. Merilwen, stand down, we don't need your suggestion of killing you.
• Dob points out the problem with killing Merilwen: If they killed her, she'd be an elf, not a hog. Egbert is informed that shapeshifting is not Concentration based. Corazón and Egbert aren't worried: Once she's seasoned, Merilwen will still taste like pig. This continues when Dob points out that the party would have to carve parts off of Merilwen without killing her, and Corazón wonders if there would be parts of Merilwen that could be safely eaten since she wouldn't have the equivalent when shapeshifting back.
• As it turns out, Cesuira has another option: There is a large hog-like creature in the nearby Anghara Woods, and since the people are snowed in, they will kill it. Dob remarks that there is probably a good vegetarian option, and roots around for berries to form into a pig-shaped paste. Dob does pass a Constitution saving throw, but no one else is going to eat the paste. Dob retorts that if this hog is some sort of powerful forest spirit, they'll want the paste.
  Egbert: No, we'll still have the pig we killed.
  Corazón: Also, everyone knows the most succulent pigs are forest spirits that can bring about an Age of Darkness.
  Dob: Winter Solstice always sucks for the vegetarians.
• Cesuira and Corazón bond over their fine clothes, and Cesuira asks if there is any dubbin on the boots.^note Dubbin is a wax used to waterproof leather. Dob informs that he put dubbin on the paste-pig to make it taste better. Johnny does a Face Palm.
• Merilwen uses Speak with Plants on some vines. The vine starts to tell her about water, and Merilwen waters the vines, but it was about to tell her to stay hydrated.
• Corazón gets annoyed and hacks the vines, before deciding to go up the tree. Johnny asks if Corazón was hacking anything that might fall down, but Andy remarks Corazón was just being theatrical. Johnny doesn't question it.
• Egbert climbs up too, despite Corazón's protestations that Egbert is too heavy. He gets a natural 20, and scampers up on top of Corazón.
• While Corazón, Dob, and Egbert are scanning the treetops for rustling or other tracks: Merilwen takes a different route and casts Locate Creature. Meanwhile, Corazón decides to cast Finish Adventure, and Dob looks for Kill Pig.
• Johnny asks Corazón what he was looking for: He's looking for signs of the pig like damaged foliage or a purple mist that would signify a Legendary creature. Egbert's looking for a sign with a pig face. Dob meanwhile, is investigating the easiest course to take: He crits and decides the forest. Meanwhile, Egbert and Corazón are debating whether a bulldozer or a pygmy goat would be helpful in clearing the forest.
• Finding out all he can, Dob slides down the trees. He has to roll to avoid hitting a wasp's nest crotch-first if he gets a 1. He gets a 2.
• A trio of party members named Argyle, Dirk, and Ricky comes to Prudence. After realizing one of them is a cross between a human and a turtle, Luke wonders if he can remake his character.
• The trio asks if they can come along. Dob looks at the contract he drew up with Cesuira, and, as it turns out, subcontracting is allowed.
• The Oxventurers give cool poses: Corazón does a split, Prudence does a mini Eldritch Blast, Egbert does a thumbs up, Dob offers the paste-pig.
• Prudence remarks that one of the trio must be cool: It's freezing and he's not wearing sleeves. Corazón remarks that he's covered in goose-flesh...or rather goosebumps.
• Corazón's okay with bringing them along because the pig might have an instant-kill attack.
• Egbert gets very confused when everyone starts talking about the pygmy goat: Everyone wanted him to summon a group of them to eat the foliage and make the forest easier to cross. But that spell is for Egbert's mount, and he thought everyone was going to ride the goat.
• As it turns out, Dirk has a better idea: The Guild is incomptent. Dirk pulls out a smoke bomb, but an errant roll of 5 causes it to plop in the snow.
• Egbert is lagging behind the group: He stops to eat iso-tonic sports snow. He makes sure to eat the yellow flavor...
• The Guild needs to cross a raging brook. Merilwen uses her new bow that she got from the magic book, which has the power of, once a day, to teleport the shooter and anyone touching them to a fired arrow. Egbert praises it...and then asks why she didn't do that for all of them. As it turns out, she doesn't know how many people it can teleport, so she has to test it. She then fires an arrow with a rope back to the other side, but Corazón, still huffy, pole-vaults over. Corazón gets a poor roll and ends up stuck in the middle of the river. He throws a grappling hook over, but misses. Merilwen hooks it for him. He is still huffy.
  Corazón: I've learned a valuable lesson about accepting help from friends. I do it secretly and never tell anyone.
• After another roll, Egbert and Dob are bringing up the rear: Dob's not on the whole pig-killing plan. Egbert is, he's just hungry.
• After some wordplay, Dob is convinced that he can eat himself.
• While Egbert and Johnny talk about modifying the Find Steed spell to include a possible alligator, Dob has another, winch-based plan. They combine them to use an alligator as a rope with a winch.
• Johnny guilt trips everyone by talking about the loyalty and intelligence of the Gator mount. Egbert, naturally, names it Allig-bert.
• Dob wonders if they could use a pulley. They need something round. Everyone looks at Seal Gaiman.
• The other group is stumbling a bit: Dob takes the opportunity to pop a mainsail on the alligator. Johnny finally loses it.
• Dob uses his lute and clothes as the sail. One critical fail later, and he loses it. But don't worry, Corazón salvaged the G-string for him to wear.
• While the group gains no speed advantage, they can still try to sabotage the other team. Merilwen will cast Spike Growth. And clarifies: She wants it to look obvious to the other team. She will, however, put a vulgar word in druidic in the spikes. Even though none of them are probably druids.
  Johnny: Wow, that's passive aggressive.
  Dob: Your mother was an elder oak.
  Johnny: Your mother's name is ruinous to children.
  Corazón: Your mother's lembas bread is terrible.
  Merilwen: Whoa, we don't go that far.
• The Guild sails past, watching Dob in a G-string. Corazón tells them he learned his lesson about friendship, hoping it's enough that he doesn't need to explain himself. As it turns out, one good roll later, the other group understands.
• Coming up to the place they need to ford the river, Egbert wonders how to parallel park an alligator.
  Dob: With difficulty.
• One roll of 2 later, the gator does a barrel roll. Merilwen ends up clinging to the tail. Even though she was on the head.
• After reaching the clearing, Egbert rolls Investigation to see if a pig has gone through. One 12 later, and it "could" be a pig, but Egbert can't tell if there are pig droppings. Naturally, he goes for the taste test. When Dob suggests it might be a truffle, Corazón finds one, and now is certain there were no pigs.
• The Guild remembers one of the warnings they received: The pig is territorial and will probably find them. Egbert insists on making himself look delicious, and Corazon reluctantly shreds some of his truffle on the mostly-nude Dob's abs to release some truffle smell.
• As the group hears the pig, which is revealed to be more like a wild boar, coming, Egbert reflects that they should've set up a trap first.
• Dob rolls first for combat, and uses Shatter to create a divot in the earth which would prevent the boar from charging. Johnny reflects that this is actually the kind of tactic a thoughtful DnD player would use. Egbert retorts that Dob is only wearing a G-string.
• As a bard, Dob requires an instrument to cast spells. As he's lost his lute and clothes, he produces a flute. No one should ask how.
• Egbert asks what the Armor Class is on Dob's G-string. Dob answers that it's doing him harm, so Corazón suggests loosening the tuning pegs.
• Corazón searches for a beehive. Johnny rolls for it and gets a Natural 20, which counts for a large beehive. Corazón grabs it with Mage Hand and smashes it on the boar to give it a honey glaze.
• Dob asks if Prudence's Eldritch Blast would sour the meat. Johnny clarifies: Only if the boar dies afraid.
• Prudence's Detect Magic is still active and she discovers that there are magical people inside the boar, arranged as if driving it, and the people inside are magical across the board. Merilwen counters: Across the boar. Corazón meanwhile, is angry...that he can't eat an obviously fake pig and now he's wasted the honey for the glaze.
• The boar charges: Its charge falls straight into the hole, and Johnny describes it as a dog going into a hole that was deeper than it thought.
• Merilwen uses Flame Blade to slice her way inside, and then Dob goes next. Luke decides to stay true to the character and put out the fire on the boar by smothering the flames in dirt. Only after he completes this does he remember that snow would probably be more effective. Egbert, meanwhile, grabs the snow, but whiffs it. Corazón just hangs back and eats his truffle.
• Prudence is listening to see if anyone is leaving the boar. Johnny informs her there are shouts of "Abandon Pig!"
• The Guild is briefly confused as to their objective, until Dob reminds them it was to bring a pig to eat for the Solstice.
• As it turns out, Cesuira was a property developer, and the group is using the fake boar to scare them away. Dob remarks that, true to what he said, these people are the wise spirits of the forest. They aren't, but Merilwen tells the group to just play along with Dob.
• The group discusses plans to get Cesuira and the developers away: It falls apart when Corazón discusses polluting the forest with a pirate-flavored theme park.
• Dob describes using their talents to create a real boar that can protect the forest...and kill indiscriminately. Corazón offers a different plan: Tell Cesuira the boar is killed, but extra hands are needed to bring it back, and once they're in the forest, the Guild attacks. Johnny falls over laughing.
• Egbert meanwhile, is keen on getting in the hog and driving it over Cesuira. And has already climbed inside.
• Argyle shows up and stands against the group. Dob is quick to try diplomacy, pointing out that Argyle and his team were just as conned as the Guild. Corazón points out that he needs to talk louder: Egbert is driving the hog forward.
• Prudence is going to use one of her few spell slots to cast Message and inform Egbert of what's going on, but Corazón points out that her Pact of the Tome allows her to cast that extra times. Prudence is embarrassed that Corazón knows her spells better than she does.
• However, Egbert is going to do a hand-brake turn in the boar right next to Argyle to show he means business. One poor roll later, and Argyle flies back nearly 90 feet getting struck by the boar.
• Corazón rolls to find some berries that he could use to paint the boar and make it look more intimidating. He rolls so well he gets bioluminsecent berries, which Dob describes as underlighting.
• As the group attacks Cesuira and the group, Corazón's intimidation attempts lead to battle. Dob springs into action and launches himself towards a saw machine. Egbert asks if Dob remembered to put clothes on, because parts can get tangled up in that. Dob clarifies: He wants to launch himself behind the saw machine and comandeer it. Corazón asks for clarification, because both he and Egbert remembered him saying he's throwing himself "into the mechanism." Meanwhile, Merilwen has her head in her hands.
• Merilwen responds with Call Lightning. Corazon asks if it goes straight to voicemail.
• Next comes the group of Argyle, Dirk, and Ricky. Argyle leaps off of the hog and smashes two of them. Dirk traps the group in a sphere of wind. Ricky leaps and punches one of the logger's heads off. Johnny lets it drop the party is Level 14.
• After being informed that he's putting people out of work, Corazón begins to feel guilt. Egbert slaps him so he can get over it. Dob suggests throwing the money in the woods.
• Corazón decides that the now unemployed loggers can become forest rangers to protect the place. But he also wants a statue of himself, so Merilwen offers to cast Stone Shape and make a Corazón colossus.
• The group celebrates with a Solstice Feast. Dob finds a piece of plastic fruit and eats it.

Story 58: "Battle for Bardcon"

• As the story begins, Ellen is not present, as she had an illness. Andy points out it might've been too much: His plan was to have one long two-hour scream.
• Before the story begins, Mike wants to share some excellent news with the audience, and asks Andy to provide it.
  Andy: Do we?
• Jane is surprised that, at the beginning of March, it was the group's first session for 2022. As it turns out, Egbert has been in a food coma since Christmas. Johnny remarks that Egbert sheds his skin over Christmas. Prudence wonders where this old skin is, and Corazón points out that Egbert leaves them around the Joyful Damnation so that they can scare Corazón when he uses the bathroom in the middle of the night.
• Once the story begins, Corazón introduces himself as an amalgation of the other classes, including the raw sensousness of the bard. No one survives.
• Johnny is asked how long it takes to get into character. The answer: However long it takes the Oxventurers to dig until they hit bedrock.
• Johnny sets the scene: It's at a festival for and celebrating everything about bards. Dob came to find the perfect lute while Katie Pearlhead is looking for a band to play the wedding. Also, there are rap battles everywhere.
  Dob: Let's avoid those.
• Also, there's lots of trick clothes, including thin pants that make it easier to do the splits. Corazón goes even further and buys fully tear-away outfits.
  Prudence: How did Merilwen get out of this one?
• Katie Pearlhead reminds the guild that Dob is actually the opening act for a famous bard. Johnny struggles to come up with a relevant metaphor and ends up talking about Call of Duty events where Snoop Dogg joins in.
  Johnny: I'm rusty, it's March!
• This famous bard is a group called Copperspine, known for their hit song "This is the Way in Which (Thou Recallest To My Mind)," and the leader is named Chadworth Croaker. Who is a giant talking toad with a copper spine.
• Egbert asks that, after three days at the festival, what the bathroom situation is like. Before Johnny can answer, Dob points out that it's a bunch of bards casting Prestigidation to make things smell more pleasant. Johnny grants inspiration for that one.
  Egbert: This immediately sounds better than any festival I've ever been to.
• Prudence asks about accomodations and wonders if there is some form of housing yurt. Corazón insists that the Joyful Damnation was put on wheels and carted into the festival. Johnny allows this, but points out that other bards would be knocking on the ship at night, thinking it's a themed bar you need a secret knock to get in. Naturally, Corazón plays along with this to overcharge these drunken bards for rum.
  Egbert: This seems to be the most complicated thing ever we've not had to roll for in D&D.
• Dob is trying to desperately break it to Corazón that his act is a solo act and not a Beeples act. Despite the fact that Corazón has brought a "brand new" banjo. Or rather, a terrible tuneless banjo he found in a trash can. He will compensate by playing it loudly. Dob says his "wonderful noise" will get all commericalized and corporatized by G'eth'n Records. Which is exactly what Corazón wants.
• Corazón tears away his clothes, and Johnny has Andy roll a d12 to determine how many layers of tearaway clothing he's wearing. It's 7.
• Johnny considers what voice to give Croaker, and settles on some sort of strangely Austrian bodybuilder. Andy calls it "Christopher Walken cast as the Terminator."
• Croaker and Dob get to talking: Dob is trying to come back on stage and perform with Croaker. Croaker says, if it goes well, they can bring him on tour. And then, Dob can stop hearing things like "Where's my money", "Take a shower" or "You smell like a sewer."
  Dob: Yeah, all three of those are Corazón.
• As Chadwick begins to introduce Dob, he rolls around the floor and making strange noises.
  Johnny: Yes, there's something wrong with him.
  Prudence: Is there?
  Corazón: Yeah, I kinda like this new sound. (begins snapping his fingers to the beat)
• Dob decides to help, because it's the right thing to do...and his musical career hangs in the balance. He wants to crowd surf towards Chadwick, but Egbert points out the crowd might send them in an alternate direction.
• Johnny calls for Strength/Athletics...except for Corazón, who is going to run on top of their heads and gets to do Dexterity. Prudence puts 8 people in the Medical tent by charging horns first.
• The guild reaches Chadwick first, and Corazón immediately picks up Chadwick's instrument and begins to perform for the crowd. Johnny calls for a Charisma/Performance roll at Disadvantage for doing this during a medical emergency of a celebrity.
  Luke: Having to roll at Disadvantage because of a medical emergency is the greatest reason ever.
• Corazón gets a 12, which is better than Johnny was expecting. Johnny then rolls for the crowd and gets a 2. As it turns out, the crowd thinks there might be a problem, but the transition was so seamless that they think this is just a way to keep the crowd calm.
  Johnny: I cannot believe that worked.
• Meanwhile, the rest of the guild is fretting over Chadwick
  Egbert: What's the recovery position for a toad?
  Johnny: In a pond, probably.
  Luke: I'm prepared for this.
  Prudence: You prepared for this?
• Dob declares that Egbert should heal from the outside, while Dob climbs into Chadwick's ample mouth to cast from the inside. Johnny has no idea how to process this.
• Prudence's Detect Magic spell reveals a half-gnome lady in a burger wagon. Or, reminisient of the hot dogs from a previous session, Johnny calls them a "Meat Disc in a Doughy Pillow."
• Dob declares an intent to pull out the copper bits from Chadwick, a brief discussion ensues on what sort of skill check this should be.
  Mike: Dex/surgery?
• Prudence wants to crowd-surf to the burger wagon. Johnny calls for Charisma/Persuasion, but she wants to menace them, and asks for Intimidation instead. And then Johnny asks the real question: Does she want to be passed from person-to-person, or just terrify enough people to make a palanquin.
• Corazón has finished his ballad and does some spoken-word song of high-seas adventure. He still gets a 13. That decent roll avoids something embarassing. Like about a poisoned toad.
• Prudence tackles the half-gnome into a condiment table. getting ketchup and onions everywhere. Corazón wonders if the mince frisbees in wheat robes are okay.
  Johnny: Why have we done this to ourselves again?
  Corazón: You started it.
  Johnny:(dejected) I know, I know.
• The half-gnome reaches a soup wagon and grabs a bowl of bisque to throw at Prudence. What is next is the first natural 1 of 2022: She pours it all over herself. Prudence still needs another check to reach her...and quickly gets a natural 20. Prudence grabs the metal bowl that the bisque was in, and drops the half-gnome like a sack of "round starchy bois." Unfortunately, the metal CLANG of the bowl hitting the half-gnome causes a bunch of bards to start a drum circle.
• Hearing the loud clang and drum circle, Corazón immediately begins some irritating syncopated drumming and chanting. Johnny grants inspiration for that one.
  Johnny: The crowd, irritatingly, is loving it.
• Croaker asks Dob for adventurer-related assistance, since Dob's friends are adventurers...except Corazón who is the most ecletic musician who ever lived. While Corazón is trying to play another bard's fife...which that bard is still holding.
  Dob: There is, regrettably, no genre in which he won't turn his hand.
• Egbert tries to remind Prudence that violence rarely works in interrogation. And yes, hitting people is violence.
  Prudence: Barely
  Dob: Yes, hitting them like a bear.
• The half-gnome, Maria Stevenson, describes herself as a member of NIMBR^note Not In My Back Realm, who despises bard that's rampantly seduce people and don't call the next day, guards who were fired because they were knocked out by sleep spells, people randomly dragged along for the call of adventure, and barman who had bards skip on their tabs so much they had to close up shop. The rest of the guild is interested in joing this NIMBR guild, especially after Corazón points out the insensate bards high on the floor.
• As it turns out, Maria is M.Channail's granddaughter. Dob and Corazón insist that no one can reveal that they were responsible for that one. After blurting out Channail's last name three words after the "don't mention Channail" huddle, Dob says they shouldn't have said that, because Dob said "strike that, you didn't hear that." Corazón at least tries to lie and say he said "chainmail." Dob rolls for Maria, and she buys it.
• Dob asks Prudence for Clairvoyance and she insists that her spell is not a drone. However, once she reads the spell description and sees that it works for a mile, she reconsiders, although Johnny requires an Arcana roll to zoom in. Bardcon is apparently more sordid from a bird's eye view.
• The battalions are separated by the reasons they hate bards. The people who were scooped up into a life of adventure is known as the Bob batallion, which is ironic because Prudence was the one who accidentally contacted Bob.
• Corazón's plan is to put on the best show ever so the people will like bards. Prudence points out that will only enrage them.
• Egbert comes up with another plan: Place the sound system for the show on the Joyful Damnation, which is still on wheels, and then move out and cast Thunderwave to hit the crowd. Prudence approves of the mass violence.
  Corazón: The ship has cannons.
  Egbert: That's less fun.
• Dob asks Katie to check in with Croaker, and she seems annoyed at it. The rest of the group attempt to get Dob to leave her. It also reminds Johnny to ask Dob to make a Constitution check for possibly poison.
  Prudence: There's a real poisony look about you.
  Dob: It's my first long-term relationship, Prudence, I think looking poisony is normal.
• Prudence is still holding Maria, and wonders if the group should kill her, or something, and Corazón blurts out that they killed her grandfather. Johnny calls for another roll, and Maria is tricked again.
  Prudence: You know, the longer we keep her alive, the more likely we'll get a new nemesis.
• Dob puts Maria in a drum circle, and Johnny sighs... but gives Prudence inspiration for confiscating her spell components.
• Egbert is confused as to how the group is skilled enough to mount wheels on a ship, but can't rummage through pockets. There is clarification, it can be hard to distinguish spell components from snacks. Plus, druids have cargo pants for days. Prudence takes the trail mix and eats it, but rolls a Critical Failure and the yogurt poisons her for 8 damage.
• Corazón heads to the spurned lovers, and starts to make conversation with one of the men about his spurned lover, and asks for the offending bard's name. Johnny struggles to come up with a name and says "Olivia" and "John". Andy and Luke immediately pick out Olivia Newton-John, but Johnny was actually combining with John Travolta.
  Luke: Now you have to cast Grease.
• Corazón spins a sob story about a bard named Valeria who was going to take him to a special bakery. Corazón attempts to persuade the people to date someone who isn't a bard instead of murder. One excellent roll later, and Corazón has invented speed dating. Dob is scared the bards might take notice.
• Egbert volunteers to go next:
  Prudence: What's the plan, Egbert?
  Egbert: Don't know; we'll find out.
• Egbert goes to the jilted barman and tells them a secret: Festival prices are ridiculous and so the barmen should charge massive prices. And plus, the bards are either in drum circles or passed out, so it's a free-for-all to get stocked up. It was so impressive Johnny lets the scheme automatically succeed.
• Prudence goes after the knocked-out guards. Her plan: nail two of them with an Eldritch Spear which has a range of 250 feet.
• After successfully completing the Eldritch Spears, Phase 2 of Prudence's plan is to Summon Greater Demon. This requires a vial of human blood, and Corazon, as a human, wonders how she got it. Prudence clarifies: It must come from a dead human killed at least 24 hours ago. And she's offended that no one has thought she was doing that at a festival.
• Dob sneaks up on the crowd of people who were dragged along for an adventure. And sees they all have good gear they don't know how to use.
  Corazón: Oh no, I can't wield this zweihander with a holy aura.
• Johnny is incredibly passive aggressive about the people in this crowd, bringing up Christopher Englebert XVII, Alfred Strangetide, Iron and how Dob completely derailed the characters. However, Bob isn't present: If he's going to betray the Guild, it's going to be a hidden blade in the ribs.
  Andy: He's gonna Syndrome on us.
• Dob thinks that if this crowd was deceived once, they can be deceived again, and creates the Major Illusion of a dragon in a tiny cage.
• Once Dob has the crowd's attention, he tells them that since he must bring the creature to his liege lord, there's an unguarded dragon hoard over the mountains, with treasure that defied classification, like two swords stuck together that when waved, shot out other swords, and a shield that was also a sideboard that shot out other shields. No one, including Johnny, is able to keep it together.
• Katie greets the party from the deck of the Joyful Damnation, eager for the upcoming battle. Prudence is giddy to shout out that they don't need her.
• Clearly upset, Katie puts the pearl head back on and acts as though she can't hear Dob's remonstrations.
• Chadworth Croaker points out a drum circle that apparently passed out drunk. Namely, the drum circle that the party had left Maria Stevenson in.
  Johnny: Basically you see a druid wiping a knife (the party collectively gasps), surrounded by dead bards strewn over drums.
  Luke: I thought she was going to get swept up in the rhythm.

Story 59: "Big Deck Energy"

• Corazón can never be jailed...he just serves the whole sentence.
• Johnny sets the scene...the guild has been summoned for an "Arcane Sponsorship Deal." Quite importantly, since Johnny chose a random Magic: The Gathering deck...it's completely impossible to know what's going to happen next aside from drawing the Planeswalker at the end.
  Egbert: Even less so than usual?
  Johnny: Impressive caveat.
  Egbert: Total party wipe incoming, folks.
• The actual scene is a peaceful spring day with Seal Gaiman frolicking...and then there's a sudden clap of thunder.
  Corazón: I fire my crossbow!
  Binbag:(dodges) Still no good with the crossbow.
  Corazón: Would've been if Johnny let me roll.
• Binbag is about to explain something that's happening...but a giant wolf grabs him by the throat and drags him into the long grass. Merilwen is horrified. Corazón is excited. Dob returns to that story about the daisy chain. Corazón takes it seriously enough to roll Dexterity, and gets a 16.
• A woad-covered red haired woman appears. Corazón introduces himself as the Planeswalker.
• The woman introduces herself as Faldorn, the Dread Wolf Herald. Immediately, Dob stops her. If she's the "herald", she should come before the dread wolf.
• Faldorn explains that she is not the only Planeswalker around. Corazón agrees, and does what he thinks is planeswalking...which is just lunges.
• Faldorn explains about Captain N'ghathrod, the illithid pirate. His influence is going to turn G'eth into some sort of nightmare realm. But now she has this wolf situation...
• Corazón asks how one banishes a planeswalker. Faldorn explains that it's like getting cats to move.
  Egbert: Get the urine of a bigger cat?
• Prudence is actually interested in seeing the illithid pirate's idea of a nightmare world, but she relents on the fact that she can get pirate treasure and a spell-jamming ship.
• The group first encounters a giant fleshy horror with lots of tentacles. Egbert wonders if Prudence knows it. Dob immediately casts Shatter.
  Corazón: So, let's decide how we're going to confront this, I suggest a stealthy...oh, Dob just cast Shatter.
  Johnny: I'm impressed no one decided to go around.
• The aberration halves the damage on Dob's Shatter: Everyone insults him.
• Prudence banishes the aberration: Dob is convinced his Shatter did that.
• Johnny has the group find themselves in the temple of a false god. Corazón insists its Le Vauche Mauve.
• Johnny lets the group have a long rest in the temple. Since the group lacks sandwiches, Dob casts Prestigidation on a pine cone to make it taste like one. And that's why the group has a long rest, because it takes Dob so long to eat it.
• Corazón wants to search the temple for some sort of jeweled chalice-like treasure.
  Johnny: You find...(draws card) a swamp!
• Dob casts Prestigidation to make Corazón smell of ripe figs and sea air. Egbert asks if Prestigidation is a cantrip or he's wasting spell slots.
  Dob: Just for that I'll make you smell of...
  Corazón: Swamp
  Dob: He already smells like swamp
  Corazón: Make him smell like ultra-swamp.
• Corazón finds some treasure: An absolutely enormous hunting horn. Immediately, they blow on it. They summon a scholar illithid named Grazilaxx, whom the guild keeps calling Gravelaxe.
• Since this illithid is not hostile, Dob asks a pertinent question: What does mind taste like? It actually depends.
• Before Dob completely gives up Prudence as the most intelligent, Corazón points out they are fighting another illithid, who has eaten all of the tasty brains.
  Prudence: Yeah, do you people eat each other or is that some sort of taboo?
  Scholar: We don't talk about that.
• As it turns out, the scholar can't eat Prudence: He can't handle spicy brains.
• The group wants to use the illithid to fight N'ghathrod, and he can have the brain. Dob objects: They're going to split it.
  Corazón: What are you going to do with half a brain?
  Dob: Eat it.
  Corazón: You don't eat brains!
  Scholar: He's allowed to try it. Don't knock it till you've tried it.
• Dob wants to know if eating brains causes indigestion or acid reflux. Illithids don't have diaphragms so they don't get acid reflux.
• As they continue, Johnny draws the next card: A guiltfeeder (another kind of illithid). They turn to the group and asks if anyone is wracked with guilt
  Prudence: Never, not in my life.
• Merilwen, meanwhile, is desperately trying to hush up Egbert and Dob.
• Dob suggests that the scholar illithid do something that makes him feel guilty. He casts Shatter on Dob's groin.
• Dob succeeds, so Egbert suggests only one of his testicles gets shattered. Merilwen and Corazón meet a spasm of giggles, Johnny is aghast.
• It works, and the Guiltfeeder is distracted...but then gets distracted by someone else who lost a puppy.
• The scholar gives Dob access to a chalice that can make him feel better. But he has to be careful, there are loads of spikes on it. As the injury was on Dob's groin, the scholar is quick to mention the chalice's brew is NOT applied topically.
• After drinking the chalice's brew, Dob isn't sure how he feels so he begins some groin flexing...to Corazón's disgust and Egbert's discomforting gaze.
• Once Dob finishes, the scholar throws the chalice away. Egbert is upset because it was an "everflowing" chalice that heals wounds.
• Corazón takes the lead and Johnny immediately calls for a saving throw.
  Johnny: To be fair, I don't know what you're rolling against, I haven't drawn the card yet.
• As it turns out, it was the Curtains' Call card: A big executioner guy wielding a giant spiked wagon wheel on a chain. Corazón takes 6 points of damage, but it is rad as hell.
• Prudence retaliates with an Eldritch Spear: Johnny looks at the card in order to determine the AC, and says the guy is not wearing a shirt so his AC won't be that high. Dob wonders if Prudence used violence too soon...
• As Prudence charges her spell, Corazón throws a rock at the guy. Prudence does 20 damage and obliterates the guy. Corazón was closer to the guy though, so his rock binks the guy on the nose...and then Prudence's double-pronged Eldritch Spear Blast reduces him to fleshy paste.
  Corazón: I stare at my hand.
• Since the executioner was wielding the wheel as he's killed, the wheel is coming back towards Corazón. He rolls under it, and says he hasn't come to terms with his planeswalker powers. Everyone is ridiculous.
• Dob wants to sever the chain on that spiky wheel, and asks Egbert if he has anything sharp.
  Corazón: Egbert, you're sharp.
• Everyone argues on how to sever it, until Dob says everyone's taking too long and initiates the Bear Down Protocol, where he picks up Merilwen as a cat and throws her, letting her transform into a bear in mid-flight. She's not yet a cat though.
• Merilwen does manage to sever it, but the illithid scholar doesn't pay attention and gets smashed by the spinning blade wheel.
  Egbert: Well, Dob, if you wanted to eat half a brain.
  Dob: I've lost my appetite.
  Corazón: I think we all agree its how he would've wanted to go.
  Dob: That was our plan for dealing with the pirate.
  Corazón: We have to agree. That that. Was how. He would've. Wanted. To. Go.
• His final words...are that the Guild can never get his name right. Dob makes the tombstone with the wrong name. This becomes a Running Gag and when Johnny corrects Corazón on the proper name, Corazón immediately wonders if someone else died.
• Johnny makes it abundantly clear: Grazilaxx's body is in no state for any sort of use other than as chum for fishing.
• Corazón wonders if Grazilaxx has any documents on him that might tell them how to kill mind flayers. Merilwen remarks they already know how: Drop bladed death wheels on them. Fortunately, that was why Dob wanted the wheel in the first place.
• When the group arrives at the Tainted Isle, Prudence insists it wasn't her, it was tainted when she got here. Dob insists that he can't Prestigidate like that. Merilwen puns "Prestigidi-taint", and Dob immediately flavors her like fries so she gets swarmed by seagulls. She casts Animal Friendship, and they just do it more softly.
• A Hunted Horror spawns next. Fortunately, that card also summons two armored centaurs on the side of the opponent: Prudence and Corazón wonder if it's okay to ride centaurs. Egbert says no.
• The group gets an idea to defeat this horror that starts with a wineskin full of poison. There is one of those: It's in the lunch Katie Pearlhead made.
• The Hunted Horror eats Katie Pearlhead's poison and it convulses inside out. Seagulls begin to eat it...and they turn inside out.
• The centaurs agree to help the group against the pirate, but they have a proviso.
  Corazón: Don't drop a spiked murder wheel on you?
  Centaur: Two provisos.
• The centaur offers Corazón what is almost assuredly a cursed ring. He's not concerned: He's got lots of curses, so they cancel each other out.
• The group then comes across a spelljamming ship. Corazón insists that he knows what one is, but perhaps the audience could.
  Dob: What's a ship?
• Corazón declares the group will board the ship by swinging on ropes, but the centaurs will have some trouble. Prudence suggests lowering a ladder, forgetting that horse hooves aren't any better on one of those.
• As the attack on the ship is about to commence, Dob has an idea: Someone should climb inside the spinning bladed death wheel like a hamster and run forward.
  Corazón: Sounds like you're volunteering, Dob.
  Dob: No, it sounds scary and dangerous. Egbert, you do it.
• As it turns out, Egbert handles it well.
  Johnny: It's like you've been joyriding in deathwheels all your life.
  Egbert: There's a lot you don't know about me.
• The Spinning Wheel of Deathbert crashes through the ship and minces someone.
• As Corazón is about to jump on the ship, Merilwen points out that they have no way to get on the ship.
• Merilwen creates her own plan: She will cast Spike Growth on the deck as the crew would have surely heard the Spinning Wheel of Deathbert. Johnny is silently pouting. Merilwen will assent to having knives in their teeth. Even the fish Dob inhaled from a previous adventure has one.
• Egbert doesn't do so well on the Stealth check to move cannons to shoot the captain, so he has a backup plan: He's going to nail the captain's pegleg to the ship.
• Corazón tries to stall the pirate and it doesn't go well...however, he is intrigued when Corazón mentions that G'eth has 27 types of clam.
• Prudence butchers her Stealth check and accidentally fires her cannon...along with one of the centaurs.
• Corazón goes first, and Johnny asks if he has Sneak Attack.
  Corazón: Yes, I'm standing in front of him screaming.
  Johnny: It's the most you thing you could be doing. I don't even know why I asked.
• Egbert goes next, and lights a bomb in his head. The rolls go poorly, and Johnny chalks it up to the mind flayer's head being very damp.
• After the battle finishes, Merilwen casts Confusion on him so he doesn't go back to the realm he wants. It works: He goes to a realm with no clams.
• Corazón, meanwhile, pulls the spelljammer drive out of the ship to put it on the Joyful Damnation. And hopes that's how all of this works.

Story 60: "Bride or Die"

• As the scene begins, it is the eve of Dob and Katie's wedding...the real problem is the chairbacks. Naturally, Dob blames this on Egbert. Egbert is eating the buffet.
• Corazón asks if Katie will be wearing a special, wedding attire pearl-head, or just the normal one. Katie insists that it's bad luck to say that before the wedding.
• Corazón passes Dob some rum. He glugs it down, and Egbert is immediately reminded of the last bachelor party the group went on.
• The officiant who was to perform the wedding cancelled, so they need a substitute. Corazón offers, but Egbert reminds that he is both ordained and has Knowledge (religion) as a skill. Dob not-so-subtly tries to tell Katie not to pick Egbert.
• When the audience cheers, they sound exactly like the Stag Lads. Dob immediately declares the Stag Lads made it to the wedding.
• The Guild is heading out for the batch party, but Katie asks Dob to find some flowers that she wants for the party.
  Johnny: While you're going through the woods, please make a Wisdom/Nature check
  Corazón: Not me, I don't want to do it.
  Johnny: That's fair.
• Everyone's feet end up in a slightly different greasy place. Egbert asks if this is Corazón's Grease, but he denies it: His is much higher-grade.
• Corazón immediately gets the party started by shooting Dob with paintballs. Johnny reminds him these are flintlock paintball guns.
• They find the flowers fairly easily. But Egbert is concerned because he thinks he remembers they're poisonous
  Dob: Don't touch the thorns, don't drink the nectar, you hungry honeybee, Dob.
  Corazón: I shoot Dob with more paintballs.
  Johnny: I agree.
• The scent is also dangerous, so Dob states they must seal their mouths and noses with wax.
• Corazón settles on casting Grease up everyone's nose. Prudence suggests Mage Hand could be used to pick the flowers and hold them at a distance. Corazón likes his idea better. And Prudence isn't using one of her slots to cast Mage Hand.
• As Dob begins to pick the flowers, an interdimensional rip opens. Prudence states that it wasn't her: She'd admit it if it was.
• The creature that comes through the rip is described as basically a piranha with legs.
  Corazón: This is on me. I hired an exotic dancer but I wasn't more specific than that. But we should try to enjoy it or it would be impolite.
• A group of roughly 40 club-wielding creatures called Boggles emerge
  Merilwen: Hey, Corazón, you said we were going to go clubbing.
  Johnny: You can, regretfully, have inspiration.
• The Boggles think that Dob and Corazón are actually getting married. The two of them make it clear their "marriage" is just for tax purposes.
  Boggle: We don't want to rain on anyone's parade.
  Egbert: There's going to be a parade!"
  Corazón: The Parade of Exotic Boggles, yeah.
• Dob is certain Katie would know nothing about poisons. Corazón and Merilwen point out how many times Dob has been poisoned.
  Dob: Oh, this again.
• Corazón shoots Dob in the crotch with a paintball. Egbert assumes Dob isn't going to want him to Lay on Hands and heal.
  Dob: You've been assuming all day!
  Johnny: You can, regretfully, have inspiration.
• Corazón asks Merilwen to find a different looking flower, but Merilwen returns Corazón can simply cast illusions. Dob says that Katie would be able to smell the difference, but then Egbert reminds him that if she smells the flowers, she dies. Also, her head is encased in a giant pearl.
• There are some placebo flowers in a village full of bad Boggles. Corazón wants to ensure he's not being tricked so he checks the village out. As it turns out, they're all very sleazy and hitting on Prudence.
• Corazón invites the Boggles to the party. Egbert interjects and states that the group is actually on a "shrub crawl." Merilwen's pleased, and states she's never respected Egbert more while Corazón hits Egbert with a piece of popcorn.
• The Boggle declines, since the guild is headed to this village of other Boggles and doesn't want to be implicated in anything.
  Corazón: Note to self, pin crimes on Boggle.
• Corazón immediately starts by punting one of the annoying Boggles in the sky.
• After Merilwen fails to intimidate as a bear, Dob just comes up and picks the flowers, stating he is the Chosen One who is immune. Also, his sidekick is Kickman, who will kick people and they'll land upright if they are righteous, and if they don't, they die.
• By being the chosen one, Dob declares that the group should declare war on the other boggles. They agree. Johnny clarifies that it's not a holy war, but some of the rhetoric is concerning.
• Dob gets the "antidote" to the flowers: Boggle urine. Dob casts Prestigidation to make it taste like vodka and swigs it. Everyone is revolted.
• Corazón continues with the rest of the party: Large tents, open bar with bartender, music, and the piece de resistance: Boggle exotic dancers. Unfortunately, Johnny informs that all of them were drafted into the holy war.
• Before the festivities start, Dob asks Prudence if there's a way she can help preserve the flowers. Prudence agrees, but she gets to be Maid of Dishonor at the wedding. Johnny is actually pleased to give inspiration this time.
• Prudence crafts a solution, but rolls a Critical Failure and creates a massive insult to Katie Pearlhead. Dob has to roll to see if he catches on, but he gets Disadvantage because he's full of piss-vodka.
  Dob: I dislike how often you say that.
  Johnny: Me too.
• Corazón tells a story, about a guy who married a woman who keeps poisoning him. Dob doesn't catch on.
• Dob says the group should hash things out, and asks if there's a reason he shouldn't marry Katie. Merilwen raises her hand. So does the Studio Audience. Johnny makes a loud noise, but that's just holy Boggle war in the background.
• Since the Boggles all got drafted, Corazón asks what exotic dancers the Agency ended up sending. Johnny leafs through the Monster Manual...It's an elf goddess of the sea.
• The next morning, Corazón is being a chipper morning person who only makes a bacon sandwich for himself and not everyone else, singing while making coffee.
• The wedding guests arrive: It's most of the people Dob forced into a papoose, like Iron the kuo-toa. Bob, however, regretfully declined.
• Dob asks if Katie's parents are there. They are: One is a giant clam, the other is a piece of grit.
• Egbert begins the wedding, and after Merilwen objects, Egbert continues, and hears another portal open.
  Egbert: Oh thank god, Hungry Hungry Hadar.
• As it turns out, it's some sort of demon. But it definitely wanted to be at the wedding: It's wearing tweed.
• This demon is a Doubt Demon
  Merilwen:Are you really, though?
• The Doubt Demon tells Dob to sing from the heart. He sings a love song to Liliana. Merilwen and Prudence start grooving to it.
  Corazón: "Liliana" has the same number of syllables as "Katie Pearlhead," it would be so easy to just...
• Dob has to explain this to Katie. Meanwhile, Egbert and Corazón think it's going well.
• The skeletons give a speech, talking about how wonderful the wedding is, and they'll take care of the couple's children if they become orphans.
• Katie declares she will hunt Dob. Prudence and Merilwen immediately run. They try to help the group escape.
• Egbert goes after them, and he creates a "warning bomb". As it turns out, only Dob gets caught in it.
  Johnny: This is so Egbert. It's so simple, but so poorly thought out.
• Egbert goes twice a round, so he's using a target bomb rather than a warning bomb. The mob doesn't miss this one.
• Katie attacks, but misses. Dob insists it's because she's upset about what happens.
  Johnny: You're convinced by the veracity of that statement.
• Merilwen casts Moonbeam, Johnny is convinced she turned the spell into a diss track.
• Prudence follows up with Hunger of Hadar.
• Corazón sees those two spells, so he casts Grease and dashes out.
• Prudence and Merilwen describe how those two spells mesh together. It makes some sort of milky tentacle bone broth, and Johnny isn't sure whether to say that's the spells or the remains of the people inside.
• With everyone else slaughtered, Dob casts Hideous Laughter on Katie, and must tell a joke.
  Merilwen: Your relationship.
  Johnny: (after several seconds of open-mouthed shock) Daaaamn!
• It works, and Katie's high heels makes her fall over in laughter.
• Egbert decides he's going to help the escape...by using the umbrella full of bees and jamming it up her pearl head. She finds that funny too.

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