Release: Aug 29, 2017
Tagline: Chasing the dragon has never been so unexciting. How did a hit book become dull fantasy?
This review contains examples of:
- Actor Allusion: Upon hearing Jeremy Irons (Brom) narrate the opening sequence, the Critic realizes he's in another film featuring dragons, before warning the audience to hide Marlon Wayans (whose role that other film, Dungeons & Dragons, the Critic especially hated).
- The Cameo: Jon Bailey stands in for Doug Galbatorix at the end of the review after the latter leaves.
- Captain Obvious: The Critic sees practically all of Saphira's dialogue as repeating the obvious.
- Cliché Storm: The Critic derides the movie for being an unashamed mishmash of clichés from other films. To wit, he compares:
- Galbatorix, the Big Bad and Evil Former Friend, to Ursula, Voldemort, Ganondorf, Jafar, Darth Vader, Jadis the White Witch and Sauron.
- Garrow, Eragon's uncle and father figure, to such other character as Link's uncle, Vernon Dursley, Ben Parker, Uncle Henry, Scrooge McDuck and Owen Lars.
- Brom, Eragon's mentor, to Diego de la Vega, Cogliostro, Morpheus, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Merlin.
- The Ra'zac, Galbatorix's unintelligible minions, to Darth Maul, Maleficent's goons, Blix and Pox, Jareth's goblins, the Nazgûl, a Dementor, and the Rodent of Unusual Size.
- Arya, the Distressed Damsel princess, to Buttercup, Zelda, Jasmine, Leia Organa and Peach.
- Murtagh, a rogue of dubious intentions, to Aragorn, the Fox, Inigo Montoya, Han Solo and Jack Sparrow.
- Insistent Terminology: The Critic and the crew constantly refer to Doug Galbatorix by the name of Galbatorix's actor, John Malkovich.
- Narm: The Critic thinks Durza's change in appearance (with red around his mouth) looks more like he put on his mother's makeup by himself.
- Old Shame: Doug Galbatorix considers the film this, so he tried to convince the Critic that it was actually a VHS game from The '80s.
- Parody Commercial: The scene where Arya uses a magical blue stone to escape Durza has the Critic think that it would be better if it was actually a commercial for NyQuil (pills for cold best used at night) before the story actually starts.
- Product Placement: Tamara compares the scene of Arya walking around a forest in Eragon's dreams to a commercial for Pantene hair conditioners.
- In response to the princess in the movie being named Arya, Critic says "A girl has no dragon film."
- As Eragon looks at the dragon egg, Critic says "Okay, so if he swallows that, the story ends and he wakes up in his bed believing whatever he wants to believe."
- Eragon's dynamics with his cousin and adoptive brother Roran, and the brevity with which it is explored, is sarcastically claimed to be deeper than that of All in the Family.
- The newborn Saphira is compared to a bouncing baby Spyro.
- Seeing Eragon's derpy face while reacting to Saphira's birth is mocked by the Critic through calling him "the Moron of Dragons", while showing a picture of Eragon's face superimposed over that of Daenerys Targaryen stroking one of her dragon hatchlings.
- When Durza tries to magically choke Arya during her interrogation, the Critic dubs in the lines "There are shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time!".
- When Eragon is trying to feed Saphira, Critic mockingly remarks "I smell a DreamWorks spinoff, How to Lame Your Dragon."
- The blatantly CGI Saphira is compared to the child of Bolt farted out by the baby from Storks who have been fed grounded Gremlins.
- The film's tendency for Saphira to constantly communicate with Eragon is compared to Lassie constantly talking to Timmy.
- After Brom sets Garrow's house on fire as an impromptu funeral for him after he was killed by Galbatorix's minions, he claims it is a funeral fit for a king. The Critic then dubs in lines that he'll decorate Garrow's corpse with eleven secret herbs and spices when he and Eragon return.
- Show, Don't Tell: The Critic mocks the film for tending to favor exposition instead of relying on simply showing the point it intends to make. To drive this home, he shows two conversations between Saphira, Brom and Eragon to demonstrate how much more interesting the scene would be if Saphira didn't simply repeat everything said in the same scene.
- So Okay, It's Average: The Critic rates the film as not awful, but not good either. He also thinks the film is pretty average, with Malcolm noting that it was mostly only popular because it is a teenage fantasy series written by an actual teenager.
- The Tape Knew You Would Say That: This is a Running Gag, where Doug Galbatorix is able to predict everything the Critic, Malcolm and Tamara are about to say, despite not hearing them. However, this is a lie, as he's been hacking their screen to talk to them over a screen while inside the studio itself.
- Unfortunate Names: The Critic mocks Galbatorix's name for sounding like a foreign soup.
- WTH, Casting Agency?: The Critic finds Rachel Weisz's casting as Saphira unfitting, as she doesn't sound commanding like a talking dragon would normally sound.
"Do not prolong my suffering."