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    Season 1 

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!note 
Rick Sanchez, various points

Episode 1: Pilot

"I’m sorry, Morty, it’s a bummer. In reality, you’re as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them up just to get your parents off my back. So now we’re gonna have to go get more. And then we’re gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty. And you’re gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty. Because the world is full of idiots that don’t understand what’s important. And they’ll tear us apart, Morty. But if you stick with me, I’m gonna accomplish great things, Morty. And you’re gonna be part of them. And together, we’re gonna run around, Morty. We’re gonna- do all kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. The outside world is our enemy, Morty. We’re the only *URP* friends we’ve got, Morty. It’s just Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty and their adventures, Morty. Rick and Morty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty, some things. Me and Rick and Morty running around, and Rick and Morty time. All day long forever. All a hundred days. Rick and Morty forever a hundred times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. www.rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com."
Rick, while Morty convulses as alien fruit dissolves in his lower digestive tract

Episode 3: Anatomy Park

That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder—Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, shriners, balding men that work out, people on the Internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers. Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday bonus-giving mother— [a screaming Morty jumps on him] Come on! [pushes Morty down on the ground; starts laughing when his bacterium bite his shoulder] Ahh! Get off!
Poncho

Episode 4: M. Night Shaym-Aliens!

Rick: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what if the most meaningful day of your life was a simulation running at minimum cap[belch]acity?
Jerry: You know what, Rick?! Those guys took you for a ride, too! You should try having a bit of respect for the dummies of the universe, now that you're one of us.
Rick: Huh, maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right.
(The alien ship they escaped from explodes.)
Jerry: What the hell! Wh-what happened back there?
Rick: Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh yeah, [belch] you can't. They blew up.

Episode 5: Meeseeks and Destroy

Meeseeks: Just try to relax!
Jerry: You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!''


Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain.
Mr. Meeseeks

Episode 8: Rixty Minutes

Morty: Can I show you something?
Summer: Morty, no offense, but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident!
Morty: [points outside] THAT, out there? That's my grave.
Summer: [confused] Wait, what?
Morty: On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-an-an-and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse!
Summer: So... you're not my brother?
Morty: I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says, "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. [beat] ...Come watch TV?''

    Season 2 

Episode 2: Mortynight Run

[Hands Morty his card] I have no code of ethics, I will kill anyone, anywhere. Children, animals, old people, doesn't matter. I just love killin'.
Krombopulos Michael, an actual Card-Carrying Villain

Episode 3: Auto Erotic Assimilation

Rick: (alarm beeps) Oh, yeah, distress beacon! [burp] Yeah, baby!
Summer: You're excited about that?
Rick: The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons. Nine out of ten times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit!
Summer and Morty: Whoa!
Rick: One out of ten times, it's a deadly trap, but I'm ready to roll those dice.


Morty: Uh, what's that?
Rick: This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks.
Summer: That's horrible!
Rick: I hear you, man. Cops are racist.


"Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to eat babies. However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "space AIDS" as you put it, and Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. [Beth serves Jerry] At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of Blemflarcks. [Jerry serves back] But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? [confronts them] And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet?! BECAUSE THE TWO OF YOU ARE THE FUCKING WORST!!! You both hate yourselves AND each other!! And the idea that it has ANYTHING to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am! And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "WHAT THE FUCK!?!" So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with EITHER of you. Blim Blam OUT. [he mic-drops the device and leaves, only to come back for the device] You know what? I'm taking this."
Blim Blam, on Beth and Jerry's marriage


"Wait, wait, stop! H-Hold it! Not like this. We need a hang glider, and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father."
Rick


Unity: Do you know what I love about you, Rick? You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture.
Rick: You got that right. But, baby, listen y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know?
Unity: I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. [Bombs the town]
Rick: Whoa! Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant!
Unity: [laughing] It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look.
Unity as the citizens who fled the town: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.
Rick: [laughs] Oh, that was awesome. [chuckles] My — my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive? Hey, M-my drink is empty.


"Unity, I'm sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. I was thinking more of a 'choose your own cellphone carrier' thing."
Summer


Unity: Rick, is there a way for you to call Summer and Morty? I feel bad that they—
Rick: Pbht. Screw those guys. Ugh. I'll be right back. Don't waste your brain on those weirdos, Unity. They're no different from any of the aimless chumps that you occupy. They just put you at the center of their lives because you're powerful. And then because they put you there, they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right?
Unity as everyone in the room: Never.
Rick: Never. Back in a flash.


Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes. I'm not strong enough to do it in persons. I realize now that I'm attracted to you for the same reason I can't be with you. You can't change. And I have no problem with that, but it clearly means I have a problem with myself. I'm sure there's no perfect version of me. I'm sure I'll just unify species after species and never really be complete. But I know how it goes with us. I lose who I am and become part of you. Because in a strange way, you're better at what I do without even trying.
Yours, and nobody else's,
Unity.
P.S., I don't know where those coal miners were before they were assimilated. You might want to get checked.
Unity, "Auto Erotic Assimilation"

Episode 6: The Ricks Must Be Crazy

Morty: Oh boy, what's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something?
Rick: "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Morty, you can't just add a [burp] sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Huh, looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery.


President Chris: Zeep, this is Rick. The alien!
Zeep: (Mock thoughtfully) Rick the alien... Rick the alien...
Rick: Really? You're gonna pull that move? I guided your entire civilization! Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving! They teach kids about me in school!
Zeep: I dropped out of school. It's not a place for smart people.
Morty: Oooooooh snap!


Miniverse scientist: So he made a universe... and that guy is from that universe. And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was born... Where my father died... Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working... on my universe.
Morty: [Laughs] Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh— accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, old-lady science, you know? She's a real— You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she— she'll— She bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what—
Miniverse scientist: [gets on ship and crashes it into the mountain, dying in the process]
Morty: Oh, my God, no!


All of you have loved ones. All can be returned. All can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle. Keep Summer safe.
Rick's Car, after employing "emotional countermeasures"


Zeep: RIIIICK!
Morty: (To Rick) Don't do it.
Rick: (Taking off his coat) You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.
(Fight scene, Rick beats Zeep near to death.)
Rick: [Spits on Zeep] Class dismissed.

Episode 7: Big Trouble in Little Sanchez

Summer: Grandpa, I think that when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do—it shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a large wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters—those facts are who you are! So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst!
Tiny Rick: Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckas at the dance! Tiny Rick!
Summer: Morty, you have to help me!
Morty: Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! I-I-Is that why you're doing this?! You don't want me and Rick to be happy?!
Summer: No!
Morty: Well, then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack—all your shit, so it's together. [leaves, then comes back] And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together! [leaves, then comes back again] Get your shit together. [leaves]

Episode 10: The Wedding Squanchers

Uh, hi everyone, I'm Ri[burp]ick. [Rick pulls out a notecard] You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was... uh... [Crumples up notes and starts to ad-lib] Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe. Because I'm the smartest, and being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I can turn a black hole into a sun, so, at a certain point, you have to ask yourself, "What are the odds that this is legit, and not some big lie we're telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone?" Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die: alone. (Groaning from Rick's family.) But, but! Here's the thing: Birdperson is my best friend. And if he loves Tammy, then I love Tammy too. To friendship! To love! And to my greatest adventure yet: opening myself to others!
Rick Sanchez, wedding toast


Prisoner: What are you in for?
Rick: Everything.
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    Season 3 

Episode 1: The Rickshank Redemption

You know the worst part about inventing teleportation? Suddenly, you're able to travel the whole galaxy, and the first thing you learn is, you're the last guy to invent teleportation.
Rick from Another Dimension


Rick from Another Dimension: Imagine doing anything you want, then hopping to a timeline where you never did it. Imagine going anywhere, anytime, with nobody able to stop you.
"Past" Rick: Sounds lonely.
Rick from Another Dimension: Lonely? Dude, you have yourself — your infinite selves. It's a nonstop party where all the guests are the only person we like. You think it's cool being the smartest man on Earth, but once we give you this technology, you become the smartest thing in every conceivable universe — the Infinite Rick, a god.
"Past" Rick: Eh, pass.
Rick from Another Dimension: Excuse me? Bro, Ricks don't pass on this. Who do you think you are?
"Past" Rick: A different kind of Rick, I guess.


Morty: I wanted you to have a normal life. That's something that you can't have when Rick shows up. Everything real turns fake, everything right is wrong, all you know is that you know nothing and he knows everything. And, well... well, he's not a villain, Summer, but he shouldn't be your hero. He's more like a demon or a super fucked up god.
Riq IV: Let's not suck the ghost of his dick too hard. He was a terrorist, and now he's dead.
Morty: Oh yeah, if you think my Rick's dead, he's alive, and if you think you're safe, he's coming for you!


Rick: Not so fast, Morty. You heard your mom, we've got adventures to go on, Morty, just you and me. And sometimes your sister, and sometimes your mom, but never your dad. You wanna know why, Morty? Because he crossed me.
Morty: OK, take it easy Rick, th-th-that's dark.
Rick: Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures! First thing that's different: no more Dad, Morty. He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away.
Morty: Oh fuck.
Rick: I've repla(belches)aaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family, and your universe. Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty! And if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it, and they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty! And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty! Forever! And I'll-and I'll-I'll-I'll go out and I'll find some more of that Mulan szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty! Be-because that's-that's what this is all about, Morty! Th-th-that's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty, that was fake! I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce! I want that Mulan McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty! If it takes nine seasons, I want my McNugget dipping sauce szechuan sauce, Morty! That's what's gon-what's gonna take us all the-
Morty: What are you talking about?
Rick: -end, Morty! Season-nine more seasons, Morty! Nine more seasons until I get that dipping szechuan sauce! For 97 more years, Morty! I want that McNugget sauce, Morty!

Episode 3: Pickle Rick

"Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family - you included - use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force, and as an inescapable curse, and I think it’s because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it’s your mind - within your control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk - to belittle my vocation - just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe, and yet, you are dripping with rat blood and feces, your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is: it’s not an adventure; there’s no way to do it so wrong you might die. It’s just work, and the bottom line is: some people are okay going to work, and some people - well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose."
Dr. Wong

Episode 5: The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy

Jerry: You self-righteous piece of shit! You took my family!
Rick: I took your family!? Who do you think had more taken from them when you shot 20 CC's of liquid dream killer into my daughter?! She was Rick's daughter, Jerry! She had options!
Alien Snake: Oof.
Rick: That all ended because she felt sorry for you! (Snatches an alien fly from the air and crushes it) You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! It's how you survive! I survive because I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive because people think "Oh, this poor piece of shit! He never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him, or marry him!"


Beth: (after Morty has just crushed her phone beneath his feet) Morty!
Morty: Don't you "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of shit! But no! Like father like goddamned daughter! You wanna be like Rick!? Congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible! {...} Kissing Rick's ass isn't going to keep him around, Mom. But it will help you lose everyone else!

Episode 7: The Ricklantis Mix-up

Host Rick: Candidate Morty: the number of displaced Mortys is soaring, while Rick satisfaction levels are plummeting, and the divide between the two groups has never been wider. Solve that one real quick.
Candidate Morty: I don't see a divide between Ricks and Mortys.
Retired General Rick: Ooh, shocker. [Fart]
Reverse Rick Outrage: I'd like to offer a rebuttal: [Fart].
Rick Guilt Rick: Gentlemen, gentlemen. I think we can all agree on one thing: [Two Farts]. Well, it came out as two things, but you get the idea.
Candidate Morty: You guys finished? The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided, and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go. I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys that we're all the same because they're threatened by what makes us unique. I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys so that we're too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice. I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss's salary, even though they're identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel's problem isn't homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks. The Citadel's problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel's death. But I've got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive. A message, from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in the Citadel, to the Ricks and Mortys that don't. You're outnumbered!


(After Cop Morty has destroyed a building to kill 3 Mortys and destroy any evidence of what happened.)
Cop Rick: What happened in there?
Cop Morty: Same old story: Mortys killing Mortys.
(Later, after Cop Rick has killed Cop Morty, and other Cop Ricks are arriving on the scene.)
Cop Rick #2: The hell happened in there?
Cop Rick: [Surrendering] Same old story: Ricks killing Mortys.


Fat Morty: There it is: the Wishing Portal. They say, for your wish to come true, y-you have to give up something really important. For me, that's my panini maker. I wish for a million sandwhiches! [Tosses his panini maker into the Wishing Portal] And yes, I see the irony.
Lizard Morty: I guess I wish that I had something cooler than this dumbass surfer necklace. [Tosses his necklace]
Glasses Morty: I wish that incest porn had a more mainstream appeal. F-for a friend of mine. [Tosses a harmonica]
Slick Morty: None of those things are going to happen, you know. Morty wishes never come true. Not on the Citadel.
Lizard Morty: Then, why did you bring us here?
Slick Morty: Because I wish that would change! I wish that anything about this life would change!
Glasses Morty: Well, I hope you're putting something pretty goddamn important in there.
Slick Morty: Me too. But I doubt it.
[Slick Morty throws himself into the Wishing Portal]


"This seems like a good time for a drink, and a cold, calculated speech with sinister overtones. A speech about politics, about order, brotherhood, power. But speeches are for campaigning. Now is the time for action."
President Morty

Episode 9: The ABC's of Beth

Summer: That's you, dad! That's you! You're a baby and an idiot!
Jerry: I think that has been established, now help me!
Summer: First, I want you to admit that you're a closeted racist, a beta male sexist, and that you dragged everyone into a horrible situation by only thinking of yourself.
Jerry: Ok.
Summer: I want to hear you say it.
Jerry: *sigh* Look, I'm a closeted racist and I'm sexist and selfish and I dragged us all into my racist sexist bad things because I'm stupid.
Summer: Thank you.
Jerry: Now you're gonna help me?
Morty: She just did.
Summer: Yeah, clean up your own mess.
* Summer and Morty leave the car*


Beth: Dad? I feel like I've spent my life pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you. And the ugly truth has always been...
Rick: ...that I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me.
Beth: Am I evil?
Rick: Worse. You're smart. [Pause] When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal. It grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots just to eat them, not unlike your friend Timmy.
Beth: Tommy.
Rick: Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie. [Pause] You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And, eventually, it will. There's no other way off.

Episode 10: The Rickchurian Mortydate

POTUS: "You lying dicks! I see your asses playing Minecraft! I got you on satellite! That's right. What do you have to say for yourselves?
Morty: "Okay, obviously, this looks bad, Mr.President."
Rick: "I mean, what doesn't look bad through an illegal spy satellite?"
POTUS: "Don't high-road me. The two of you break 1,000 federal laws a day.
Morty: "Wow, really?"
Rick: "That's pretty cool."
POTUS: "And, yes, yes, yes, yes, you save the world now and then. America returns that favor by not holding the two of you accountable to its laws."
Rick and Morty: (mockingly) "Oh! Oh!"
Rick: "Oh, God. We-We didn't know you saw it that way."
POTUS: "Well, it's nobody's fault. We never had "the talk," so to speak."
Rick: "Yeah. I mean, the way we see it, when we show up, that's the favor. To you."
Morty: "Especially, you know, when it turns out you wanted someone to come over just because you found an "X-Files" monster in your basement."
Rick: "As for the reason you've never, like," (Laughs) "arrested us, we assumed you just knew that it was impossible, like, if you tried. You know, it wouldn't go well."
POTUS: (Pause), (replying with gritted teeth) "Wouldn't go well? Can you elaborate?"
Rick: "I think one of your 1,000 laws says, no, I can't elaborate. Just trust me. None of us want to go there.
Morty "Which we'll never have to. By the way, we'll keep on saving the Earth. You know, we're We're happy to do that.
Rick: "Yeah, but not because it contains America. Because moving to a new version of Earth is a bitch and a half."


Rick: "This ends now."
Beth: "Dad, if you're my dad. Of course, you're not my dad. You're here with a gun because I am a clone. I guess I have all your daughter's memories. So I guess I was her, which makes me related to her. But I don't relate to her. She left her family and me, which means I relate to them. So if you kill me, fine. You're not killing her. But you're killing a real family. And instead of doing that, will you just go away? Aren't there, like, infinite time lines? Can't you just move to one where I don't know I'm a clone and where a different but identical version of your authentic sociopathic crazy bitch of a daughter can keep making you proud by being somewhere else?
Rick: "Beth, you crazy bitch. You're my daughter. I brought this here to kill Jerry."
Beth: "Oh, my God!" (sighs in relief, as Morty and Summer come and hug her)
Jerry: "Jesus Christ!"
Rick: "Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You win, Jerry. You win! No amount of genius can stop your dumb mediocre vacuous roots from digging into everything and everyone around you and draining them of any ability to fend you off."
Jerry: "Well, it couldn't have been easy for you to say that. I appreciate it."
Rick: "Morty, where's my portal gun? Let's get out of here."
Morty: "I'm staying here, Rick."
Rick: "Are you...?! Ugh! Nobody gets it. Nothing you think matters matters. This isn't special. This-this is happening infinite times across infinite realities."
Summer: "Including this?" (farts)
Rick: "Yes! Which is not to say that, subjectively, it wasn't funny."
Morty: "Are you going to stay?"
Rick: "There's infinite time lines, Morty. Why would I stay in the one where I trashed the White House, became an enemy of America and the lowest-status character in my idiot family?"
Summer: "Because of the fart?"
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