- Sam Jones reveals that due to all the drugs he took in the 80s, he only has a single sperm left. And he's saving it in case he's ever lost at sea and needs emergency protein.
- Ted and John trying to give Tom Brady a handjob to get his sperm, only for him to wake up and chase them out.Brady: And take your goddamn teddy bear with you! (throws Ted like a football into John's hand)John: Holy shit, a perfect spiral!
- The fact that people trying to get Tom Brady's sperm has happened so much the police have a code for it.
- John trying to "warm himself up" in the hallway of the sperm bank.Ted: Just sitting out here in public jerking off, where do you think you are, Red Lobster?!
- The return of the Thunder Buddies song in the unrated edition.
- Ted's coworker, a Sassy Black Woman, describing her peoples' experience as "property".Woman: One minute, you in Africa, you in the river washing your clothes, titties just hangin'. Next thing you know, you're gettin' fucked by Thomas Jefferson!Ted: (amazed) Wow, you make history come alive.
- Ted borrowing John's laptop.Ted: WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?John: Holy shit, dude, what's the matter? What happened? What's going on!?Ted: There's so much porn!John: What the hell are you doing looking at my private shit?Ted: What are you talking about, private shit? Johnny, it was wide open. There are literally thousands of files here.John: I've been meaning to clear some of that up!Ted: Jesus Chri-Look at the organization here! "Clockwise rimjob?" "Counterclockwise rimjob?"John: Sometimes, you like seeing the tongue go the other way!Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this, "Chicks with dicks?"John: (breaking down) Oh my God! Oh my God! I have a disease, all right!?! I need help!Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
- Ted noticing his lawyer's name, Samantha Leslie Jackson.Ted: Oh my God! You're Sam L. Jackson!
Ted: You've ever seen every movie ever? He's the black guy.
- And Samantha doesn't know who he is.
Sam: They move in herds!
- Ted and John aren't impressed with being saddled with a lawyer fresh out of school with literally no experience, so they're about to turn her down... only to immediatly change their tune when she pulls out a bong, revealing herself to be just as much of a stoner as they are.
- In a Call-Back to the previous movie, Sam introduced them to a new weed blend she got from her dealer called "Can You Help Me Home?" The reason for the name becomes apparent when John gets a bad trip and has to be carefully guided home while clinging to the nearest walls. Happens again during the library montage too.
- The scene where they end up crashing into a barn, and discover they're in the middle of a marijuana field, and not just any marijuana, but a very rare and potent strain. They're all moved to tears, as the soundtrack begins playing the music from Jurassic Park.
- Ted goes looking for a soda can in the barn he can turn into a makeshift bong so he doesn't have to use Sam's cock-shaped one. He doesn't find one, but he does find a guitar, a cowboy hat, and a shotgun. He tries firing the gun and gets launched into the air from the recoil.
- Ted throwing a Cookie Crisp into a fat, blind man's buttcrack.Man: Who did that!?Ted: Sir, I apologize for my five-year-old child. Bad Butch! You sit there and eat your fish nuggets!John: Fishy nuggie!
- John slipping on some sperm that Ted spilled and crashing into a shelf full of jars, spilling the contents all over him.John: Ohmigod! It's in my fucking mouth!Ted: Oh, wait-wait-wait. Hang on--I'm gonna post this on Facebook!John: NOOOOO!Ted: (typing) #GrrrMondays.
Ted: Aw, what the fuck? What are you doing?!John: Hashtag, My Amazing Summer.
- John gets back at Ted when he takes a picture of him smoking Samantha's penis-shaped bong.
Ted: Hashtag, Shit Happens.
- Later, Ted gets back at John by throwing the baby's diaper in his face and taking a picture of it.
- Ted filling John in on his legal standing:Ted: The government said I'm property!John: What, like garbage or a piece of shit?Ted: Well, maybe more like a hammer, or an orange.
- The library scene:Samantha Jackson: Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.
- Ted in court:Samantha: Ted, do you believe you have a soul?Ted: (clears throat, then starts singing soulfully) What did you think I would doooo at this moment?Lawyer: Objection!Judge: O-ver-ruuuuled. (fist bump)
- Patrick Meighan comments on how a person's worth is determined by their contributions to the world. Ted wasted his entire life with drugs, partying and sex. That doesn't make him a person, it makes him Justin Bieber. Extra points for casting Morgan Freeman of all people to say this.
- Ted, Sam, and John finding a pot farm, with all three getting emotionally excited while the Jurassic Park theme plays.
- But since the only bong they have is shaped like a penis, Sam is the only one who smokes any.
- Guy and Rick going to Comic-Con as The Tick and Worf (also counts as an Actor Allusion for both of them) and bullying the nerds in attendance.
- During the montage of Ted, Sam, and John trying to find ways to win the case, they're at the park while Ted feeds bread to some geese. One goose gets in Ted's face, so he punches it, and the goose grabs the sandwich and flies away with Ted still holding onto it.
- The media circus surrounding Ted's case is parodied on Saturday Night Live, with Taran Killam playing Shep Wild, Kate McKinnon playing Sam, and Bobby Moynihan playing Ted.
- In the courtroom sketches depicting the case, Ted is depicted as Yogi Bear.
- The running gag of Sam looking like Gollum.
- To celebrate Patrick Meighan agreeing to see them, Ted and Johnny go to the local improv to yell sad suggestions at the performers, the list including 9/11, Robin Williams, the offices of Charlie Hebdo, Ferguson, Germanwings cockpit and Bill Cosby. They get kicked out as a result.
- Liam Neeson has a cameo in the movie: as a man trying to buy Trix but concerned over whether or not he will get in trouble because Trix is for kids. In a post-credits scene, he reappears, having gotten in trouble and beaten up for buying the Trix, and returns the cereal to the store."(very Bryan Mills in the dilvery) So if I buy this cereal. There will be no trouble?"
- Ted and John watching a film of two bears mating with a group of friends at Ted's stag party while being drunk and stoned. The male bear is mating with his daughter.
- Ted arguing with Tami-Lynn which ends up with Ted arguing with an angry neighbour while a foreign neighbour joins in the argument which ends with Ted and the other neighbour claiming she is worse than them.
- Donny singing "Sweet Caroline" to lure Ted out of hiding from a display of other teddy bears from his original brand.
- The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!John: FUCK!!!
- Ted after being told to be quiet in court plays Angry Birds while in a huff.
- John and Ted show their stupidity like Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne by thinking 'Fuck' is the F word when Sam mentions F. Scott Fitzgerald. Then they get into an argument with Sam when she points out the F is for Francis.John: No way, if it was Francis, why would he hide it? It's totally Fuck.
- The entire Comic-Con fight scene. Highlights include:
- A girl dressed as Leeloo performing her signature back flips.
- Chucky beating up a Predator.
- A life size model of Pinkie Pie being used as a weapon.
- Son Goku just standing there and screaming, before getting a cannon to the balls.
- A pirate attempting a rope swing, only for it to snap and send him face planting the floor.
- Marty McFly vs. Doc.
- Godzilla smashing a pyramid of Play-Doh like a building.
- The hospital scene, where John reveals he was just pretending to be near death to get back at Ted for pretending to have brain damage in the first movie. At first, Ted freaks out when John "resurrects", thinking he's a zombie and tries attacking him, but then think it's pretty funny. Not so much Sam, who's furious. Oh, and the doctor was in on it.Doctor: This is a fun hospital.
- The ending, where Ted has to change his son's diaper. He throws it right into John's face and takes a picture.
- In the unrated version, Ted continued on his usual antics on the grocery.Ted: I fucked her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.Boss: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.
Funny / Ted 2