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Funny / Baldur's Gate

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WARNING: Unmarked spoilers ahead!

  • In general, custom voices can be this depending on what's said or used, though obviously how funny they are depends on personal tastes. Homer Simpson in the world of Faerun, anyone?
    Homer Simpson: (upon being given an order) Aye aye! .......Admiral Butthead....
  • Having good and evil aligned PCs in your party will be short lived, but the lines they snipe at each other with are hilarious.
    Khalid: (to various evil companions) I don't mean to be confrontational, but could you be a little less... evil?
    Kagain: ''(to Khalid for the same line) You should shut up!
    Kagain: ''(to Khalid again) You keep on like that and I'll show ya mouth full o' horse dung!
    Jaheira: (to Xzar) You are amusing, in a "what the hell is wrong with you" kind of way.
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  • Somewhat dark, considering the gravity of the events, but when Sarevok ambushes you and Gorion in the middle of the night, Gorion shouts for you to flee before attempting to whup ass around the field. He usually will cast a Melf's Acid Arrow on Sarevok, a "damage over time" spell that affects him even after the battle is over and done. Thus, it becomes slightly hilarious during a dark moment as Sarevok, standing over Gorion's corpse in victory, suddenly gives a bellow of "HEH" as a result of the acid damage, which sounds more like a laugh before it cuts to black.
  • The Rant-Inducing Slight response to Portalbendarwinden in Baldur's Gate.
    Ok, I've just about had my FILL of riddle asking, quest assigning, insult throwing, pun hurling, hostage taking, iron mongering, smart arsed fools, freaks, and felons that continually test my will, mettle, strength, intelligence, and most of all, patience! If you've got a straight answer ANYWHERE in that bent little head of yours, I want to hear it pretty damn quick or I'm going to take a large blunt object roughly the size of Elminster AND his hat, and stuff it lengthwise into a crevice of your being so seldom seen that even the denizens of the nine hells themselves wouldn't touch it with a twenty-foot rusty halberd! Have I MADE myself perfectly CLEAR?!
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  • Theodon and Jessup's story time, if you let it happen. They don't care if CHARNAME is a Chaotic Evil necromancer or gore-spattered hardened warrior; to them, you're still the cute little mischievous toddler who used to run around naked all the time.
  • If you do Renal Bloodscalp's quests with Yoshimo in the party, this cultural nugget rears its head:
    Bloodscalp: Well now, that would imply that you were one of my peers, as opposed to a ragtag independent infringing on our territory. You are too much, Yoshi.
    Yoshimo: Yoshimo, if you please, sire. Where I come from, such a pet name is only used by... Well, let us say you and I have not become so familiar just yet, hm?
    Bloodscalp: Point taken.
  • Speaking of bloody scalps, you don't have to be given the quest to start collecting bandit scalps. It's funny to just imagine the character just taking scalps from corpses just for the hell of it and being given the quest afterwards. Even funnier if you're playing a Paladin or other Lawful Good character.
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  • There's a truly brilliant conversation if you have Keldorn and Imoen in the same party. Imoen tries to pick Keldorn's pocket. Keldorn catches her, and she pretends she is attracted to him. "I just can't keep my hands off you!" And he gets all flustered, saying "Good lord Imoen! My daughters are almost your age!" And finally she says, "Oh forget it, Keldorn, here's your ring back." in a tone that shows she just thinks of him as such an old fuddy-duddy.
  • Likewise just about half the things Minsc says. Here's how he gets you into Spellhold Asylum:
    Protagonist: I am clearly deranged. Look who I travel with! Minsc, meet the Pirate Lord!
    Minsc: Pirate Lord? Such a name does not conjure images of righteous behavior! Stand still a moment and let Boo have a look at you.
    Pirate Lord Desharik: Er, why is your friend pointing a hamster at me?
    Minsc: Boo will soon have you figured out. You certainly seem friendlier than I would think a Pirate Lord would be. And where is your peg?
    Desharik: My — what?
    Minsc: Your peg. A proper pirate has a peg, whether an arm, leg, or - uh - some other expendable extremity. And a parrot.
    Desharik: A parrot?
    Minsc: Certainly! As I have my Boo, so too must you have your parrot! Boo likes parrots. They could wrassel.
    Desharik: I've seen enough. Congratulations, you are on your way to Spellhold. You are clearly a danger to the general community. By the gods, I think I'm stupider for just talking to you.
    • "Evil, meet my sword. SWORD! MEET! EVIL!"
    • Another good one, when a boy named Delon asks him if he's a warrior:
    Minsc: Minsc and Boo are the greatest warriors, small one! I will crush your foes into little foe-shaped chunky bits! Who dares pick on you? Just point the way!
    Delon: I... I don't have any foes, sir...
    Minsc: No foes? I am relieved. I trust those who prey on children no farther than they can be thrown, even if I manage to throw them pretty far, and throw them I shall!
    • Minsc and Sarevok:
    Sarevok: Ranger! Turn your rodent's gaze another direction! I will not be scrutinized as though by some ridiculous divining rod!
    Minsc: Boo has an uncanny judge of character, but give him trouble.
    Sarevok: I shall give him more than that if this continues! I nearly conquered a nation! I will not be judged by a creature that stores nuts in its cheeks!
    Jan: (If present) Hey! I resemble that remark.
    Sarevok: (If Jan present) Trust me, gnome, you do not want to partake in my wrath this day.
    Minsc: Food storage aside, Boo controls himself far better than you do. Do you see him ranting about mere glances? Let's look.
    Sarevok: What?
    Minsc: There, you see? No rant. In fact, right now we see him snuffing about for a comfy place to sleep. Admirable restraint.
    Sarevok: I'm still in hell, aren't I? This is insanity.
    Minsc: Ah, finally a calming look across your face. Boo's handywork, no doubt. Doesn't that feel better?
    Sarevok: Let's...let's go kill something. Soon.
  • When you provoke him into breaking open his cage at the beginning of Baldur's Gate II, it takes him a moment to realize why you ticked him off. The way the line is delivered when it comes is extremely similar to that of Daffy Duck.
  • And Jan Jansen. Especially that one time where you can actually play along with Jan's stories to annoy Viconia.
    Jan: So Viconia, I suppose you must be a drow, eh?
    Viconia: Speak not to your betters, surface slave.
    Jan: My brother, Elgar Buttercup, had skin the shade of charcoal, too. Well, technically it WAS charcoal. He died in a nasty fire, you see.
    Viconia: You do love the sound of your own voice, don't you gnome?
    Jan: My own voice? Heartless wench! Do you not know? I am deaf. I have never heard the sound of my own voice. I read lips... (sob)... only lips...
    Viconia: Deaf? Truly? In the Underdark the deaf are killed or used in pain threshold experiments.
    Jan: I heard that! In fact, it reminds me of the time I was eaten by an avatar of Lolth. I was stuck inside her stomach with a miserable drow called Biffle Chump for days. Of course, I was forced to eat him. A matter of survival, you understand. Nothing personal. He tasted a bit like chicken.
    Viconia: [to Protagonist] How is it that you travel with such a wee buffoon?
    Protagonist: [choosing the second dialogue option] Truthfully, it all goes back to the time that Jan's cousin, Plooty Paladin-piper, got caught in a nasty flesh golem eating contest...
    Jan: Aye, Plooty had a way of attracting golems. Brilliant, really. You start with a saucer of milk - golems are suckers for milk...
    Viconia: I refuse to listen to this.
    Jan:"Well... I had an Uncle Richard that tried to bring nude theater to a festival in Waterdeep... Exposure is usually good for an actor's career, but even so, a cold reception for the play caused the cast to shrink steadily. Blackballed, my uncle tried to recruit from the thieves' guild, but they wouldn't let their nick-ers go. 'Just bare with me,' he would say, but they were afraid of being stripped of their dignity. He gave up the lead to attract new members, and eventually the production's genius was uncovered, even with his part left out."
    Jan: You know, Binky, I've been considering this plan of yours that you had with the Iron Throne and all that. Interesting ideas...but flawed.
    Sarevok: 'Binky'? You had best not be addressing me, gnome.
    Jan: For instance, whose idea was it to put impurities into the iron? Sounds like the lame idea of some yes-man underling who didn't know when to quit. No doubt you had him flogged.
    Sarevok: I will not have my past commented upon by the likes of you, churl. Quiet yourself, lest you experience worse than mere flogging.
    Jan: Speaking of a good flog, I'm brought to mind of poor Auntie Sara. She, too, had a master plan to take over the Sword Coast, you know. Although hers was considerably less dramatic and involved the use of some tasty recipes for turnip pie and some mind-altering herbs that Auntie Sara had bought from a rather disreputable Turmish mage.
    Sarevok: Are you listening to *nothing* I say?! Desist or suffer the consequences!
    Jan: Do you think she would listen to us? You can trust a Turmish mage about as far as you can kick him...and even then it's not a bad idea to carry a good thumping stick. But, alas, Auntie Sara just cackled in her most villain-like way and was determined to carry on with her plan to hypnotize the Sword Coast. Alas, she was completely undone by an over-the-top exposition she gave to a spy that she had captured...and who subsequently escaped, of course, before she could have him killed. It's what villains do, I understand, when they're not busy defiling iron.
    Sarevok: I will not be mocked, gnome! This is your last warning!
    Jan: Of course, they say that Duke Eltan had already had a bit of Auntie's pie and enjoyed it immensely. Rather than become hypnotized, he just became rather pleasantly obsessed with silken undergarments. This, of course, led to the first Great Underwear Shortage. It's also known as the Three-Year Wedgie Drought, but that's another story completely.
    Sarevok: AUUUUGHHH!! How maddening! How you can put up with such impudence, <CHARNAME>!!
    • Heaven help Sarevok if you put him in a party with Minsc and Jan.
    • You can't go back to any of the places recruitable party members are found (e.g., the Copper Coronet) in the expansion, but you can use your power to teleport any of them (who are still alive) across the continent and into your Pocket Plane to join you.
      • While they don't get any warning whatsoever and some of them aren't happy at being yanked away from whatever they were doing, Jan is surprisingly unsurprised.
      Jan: Oh, is it that time already?
      CHARNAME: That's all you have to say? Did you know you were coming?
      Jan: Well, it's like my Uncle Spanky used to say...there's just no point in wetting your pants and screaming if you suddenly find yourself on another plane. Especially if you're dead. What kind of a start to the afterlife would that be? Better to just look like you know what you're doing and impress the hell out of everyone. Of course, Uncle Spanky didn't often follow his own advice. He was once laughed off of Mount Celestial by a pair of mischievous planetars, I hear. (bastards!)
      CHARNAME: Alright, alright, enough. I need your help, Jan.
      Jan: Time for a little adventure, is it? I figured as much. I saw some ogres down in Amn capture a poor Bhaalspawn...a kobold, that one, my but that Bhaal got around, didn't he? Anyway, they were stewing him in a big iron pot and I thought to myself, "Jan, my boy, that's adventure you're smelling."
      CHARNAME: That's horrible!
      Jan: Not as horrible as the stew. Very bland. No salt.
      CHARNAME: That reminds me of that turnip beer-cake you foisted on me at Ma Jansen's place.
      Jan: Well, that happens to be Aunt Petunia's special recipe, my dear (man/woman), and I'll thank you not to disparage it. I bet she could make something a mite tastier out of a Bhaalspawn kobold too, given the chance. Now are we going, or what?
      • Edwin, on the other hand, isn't – especially if you summon him and then ask him to wait there until you need him.
      Edwin: Well certainly! There is soo much to keep a great magus such as myself busy here! Look! A rock! How fascinating!
    • Aerie will ask Jan why he's limping. He answers that he has a fake leg. She asks how it happened and he'll tell a lengthy story that quickly changes to a different subject. She then asks him why it had to do with his leg. He replies:
    Jan: A wooden leg? I don't have a wooden leg.
    Aerie: Grr, you're impossible!
    Jan: Yes, I suppose so.
    • In the final decision of 'Throne of Bhaal, all your party members will give their say. This is Jan's advice:
    Jan: Well, you know, it's funny that this situation should come up. It's not something that I like to think about much, but I spent a whole year as a god back in '03. Oh, I know what you're thinking...why only a year? It's a touching and involved tale, but I'm happy to shed some light on it if it helps with your predicament.
    Charname: (possible answer) This I've got to hear.
    Jan: Anyway, it was during the Time of Troubles that I'd run afoul of some Banite cultists who accidentally mistook me for Bane's earthly avatar. Don't ask. Maybe they didn't have a picture. I wasn't sure what to think, myself, and resolved to spend more attention towards my breath in the future. It wasn't long before I was worshipped by thousands on a regular basis. They made good stew and the constant chanting wasn't unpleasant, so I decided to play along...Well, it wasn't long before the whole Time of Troubles thing was over and suddenly little old worshipped me found myself up in the heavens before the Overfather, himself. Seems they were short of death gods at the time, and it didn't seem like such a bad gig, so I took him up on his offer. Plus, the dental plan was extraordinary. Being a god isn't what you'd expect, though. Sune was all over me from day one...I hear she developed a thing for turnips about a decade ago. She just wouldn't leave me alone! There were parties at all hours of the night, Lliira would get plastered and fall into the lily pond and eventually Torm would start a brawl with somebody. Did you know what it's like to have Helm pounding on your door at three in the morning? I could never get any sleep at all. If it wasn't one thing it was getting slapped by Umberlee or hit on by Loviatar. All night long...and in the morning, all the gods would be in a foul mood...Well, after all of that I was more than happy to let Cyric have the job, eager puppy that he was. Left it behind me for a turnip farm and a nice pension, and gladly...although I eventually traded the pension for some stock in a Spelljammer trading cruiser, which was a bad decision but all us mortals aren't immune to that, of course. Lost the farm, too, in a game of checkers to Uncle Fibbert. But that turned out all right, as the turnips got a bad rot that year and Uncle Fibbert died of too much intestinal gas. Poor man. Anyhow, I hope all my experience has been of some help. Ummm...feel free to accept other opinions. need to stare, now. Move on, move on.
    Keldorn: Charname, do I strike you as a stupid man?
    Charname: [possible answer] Why do you ask?
    Keldorn: I continue to be conversationally pummeled by the gnome.
  • Edwin, too. Especially his reaction to meeting the girl in the tavern in the Athkathla Docks District...
    • Not to mention Edwin's reactions to becoming a girl.
    Salvanas: Ahhh...I have not seen you here, before, lovely creature. How do you do?
    Edwina: Why...I'm just fine, you — (aargh! Hold your tongue, fool!) Begone, you slithering eel!
    Salvanas: Ah, yes...the eel...I slither about your loveliness because you draw me to you. You...with your dark lashes and come-hither eyes...
    Edwina: I said begone! Can you not understand the simplest of common, you lumbering piece of filth!
    Salvanas: Salvanas understands you. He hears your words and feels your passion. Your fire ignites my own, my sweet...come to me...
    Edwina: My, but you are a flatterer! (Gah!) I mean...stop it, get lost! A fireball in your gullet would dampen your mood, lizard!
    Salvanas: Nothing could keep me away from your exotic grace...those hands...those lips...that throat...that, er, Adam's apple?
    Edwina: GAAAAAHHHH!! (pig) NOW YOU DIE!!
    • When the transformation happens, Edwin is upset that he's a woman but is particularly horrified when he realizes that his penis has disappeared. If you have Cernd in the party, he apparently makes a note of this and later on remarks offhandedly...
    Cernd: Are the flowers not beautiful this time of year? Perhaps a little late in the blooming, but still...
    Edwina: What!? What are you getting at!? I know you are talking about me, so speak it plain!
    Cernd: Perhaps your new form has made you more sensitive, though not in a way I call improvement. I meant nothing. It is my wont to talk of nature and her gifts.
    Edwina: Very well then. I will let your comment pass and...
    Cernd: I mean, if I say how the great cycle fells the mighty oak, yielding to the furrows and valleys of a more subtle landscape, is it my fault if you take offense?
    Edwina: I see, I see. I shall let the slight pass and...
    Cernd: And if I say that the great stag casts aside its wondrous mantle as the long winter approaches, should it be my concern if you draw any comparisons to your...
    Edwina: Yes, yes, yes, now will you please cease your prattle!
    Cernd: Poor, Edwin. When nature casts aside an appendage, she is confident it will return in the proper season. My heart weeps for your insecurities. Weep, weep.
    Edwina: (I wonder what his nature would say about the cleansing power of fire. I wonder.)
    Aerie: Why do you talk to yourself Edwin?
    Edwin: What? Oh, why, hello Aerie. I, ah... don’t do anything of the... (No, now is not the time to make arguments). Why are you asking?
    Aerie: I - I was just wondering when I get to meet him.
    Edwin: (There’s no one to meet). There’s no one to meet. Get away from me! You’ll make me crazy, you will, and I’ll not have two pieces of it!!
  • Then, of course, there's Lilarcor.
  • Anything out of Xan's mouth in the first game. "We delude ourselves to think that our pitiable band will stand up to our enemies."
  • Encountering Bondari and Co. is one of the best Meta jokes around. For once, YOU get be the quest-giver to a trio of hapless adventures who somehow wandered into a high level dungeon. When they get back, this happens:
    Bondari: (I'm telling you we can take CHARNAME. Nanoc, you are unfettered by the weaknesses of the civilized world! Tim, you can cast magic missile! I will backstab. I bet she/he has all kinds of great treasure!)
    Nanoc the Barbarian: (But Tim is terrible. Remember the kobold king? He cast one spell then hid behind a rock while we had to slay everyone!)
    Tim Goldenhand: (Hey! I have the healing potions! I heal you!)
    Nanoc the Barbarian: (I can shrug off a blow that would fell a normal man! Unfettered by your civilized ways, I...)
    Bondari: (Enough! Ready...) ATTACK!!!
    [Bondari and company attack CHARNAME]
    [CHARNAME transforms into The Slayer]
    [Bondari and company get slaughtered]
    Bondari reloads
    Bondari: Uh, here's your eyestalk sir. We found something else, too. I hope you like it.
    CHARNAME: Well done, Bondari. Here is your reward.
    Bondari: Thanks. It was a good quest. I found a dagger and Tim here got a scroll of identify. In a couple of days he'll be able to tell me about my dagger.
    Tim Goldenhand: Hi.
    Bondari: Thanks again, Protagonist! Bye! Good luck with the dragon!
    Nanoc the Barbarian: I bid you a "Farewell" suitably unfettered by civilization.
  • When Flaming Fist Mercenaries in the Gibberling Mountains ask for your identity, you can respond with, "We're a rampaging horde of tarrasques. Krie! Krie!"
  • CESPENAR. His quotes + his voice + his usefulness = the best butler ever.
    "Ooooo... you like this one, maybe... like little smack on the tush, heh heh..."
    "... dum-de-dum-de-dum... I'se looking through stuffs that ain't mine... de-dum-dum..."
    "Big hammer. Bhaal drop one like this on toe once. Kicked poor me all the way to Baator. ...bad week, that."
    "I keep looking, but I runnings out of recipes soon. Needs to find Martha, soon. She around Hell somewhere, I thinks."
    "You not got better things to do than watch me search your bags? Like quest, maybe?"
    (To anyone other than the protagonist:)"Uhhh...Cespenar only serve the Great One. You is nice and all, but you is still a nobody."
    "Oooo...big weapon, this (referring to the Ravager halberd). You over-compensating, maybe?"
    "A glove? Only one? What is you, a rock star?
  • Even the normally Wangsty Aerie Romance has one gem of funny. What can the protagonist answer when Aerie said everyone seems to be so down and needs to cheer up like in the circus?
    Whatever, just don't go around turning everyone into chickens.
  • If you have the Expanded NPC mod for the first game, and Minsc is in your party when you encounter a pickpocket at the fair...
    Minsc: Its not nice to steal!
    Pickpocket: Er...but I am a world famous pickpocket, after all, and,'re kind of crushing my arm.
    • Made better by Imoen playfully commenting to the same pickpocket how Minsc one killed a monster with his bare hands.
  • From the same Expanded NPC mod for the first game:
    • Imoen's constant weedling requests for Dynahier to tutor her in magic.
    • If you listen to Noober long enough, Imoen and Minsc will eventually snap and scare him off with some...colorful threats.
  • Jaheira vs. Haer'Dalis:
    Haer’Dalis: Ah, my hound, this city be the great world of commerce! Perhaps we can sell Jaheira?
    Jaheira: Cut your wit, bard. The day has been long already, without you adding hours to it.
    Haer’Dalis: Cut my wit? Why, certainly, if i could only use your nose’s razor edge to perform the task.
    Jaheira: Aye, it seems I’ve sharpened it upon the grindstone of your heart.
    Haer’Dalis: Well, my frumpy ptarmigan, I must protest-
    Jaheira: "Methinks thou dost protest too much." Aya, I can quote the poets too. If you must protest, I respond only to hunger strikes and, even then, too late.
    Haer’Dalis: Oh <CHARNAME>, raven of sympathy! Yon woman is stifling my creativity and stealing thunder from my wit! I swear I cannot work amidst the lashings of her tongue!
    • If you have the expanded banter pack, Haer'Dalis fires back if you have Jaheira and Edwin together in a party:
    Haer’Dalis: He'll strike you dead with magician's flair
    She'll freeze your blood with a cold dead stare
    His cloak is decked in the finest reds
    Her underthings... there, I'll not tread
    Jaheira and Edwin, the die is cast
    Jaheira and Edwin, of such polar pasts
    Jaheira and Edwin, seems to me quite clear
    Were the universe fair, neither one would be here.
    Edwin: Oh, bravo, bard. Cleared five seconds from your busy schedule of doing nothing to compose that ditty?
    Jaheira: Haer'Dalis, as a motivator of camaraderie, you might make a passable slop bucket.
    Edwin: Why <CHARNAME> tolerates your parasitic presence, I have no idea. I have heard better singing from beggars and seen better magic from a zulkir's dog.
    Jaheira: Indeed. But you know what they say, Edwin. There is no accounting for taste, or the tasteless.
    Haer’Dalis: Ah! Delightful! This is all far, far better than I ever expected!
    Jaheira: A better response than you usually receive? I wish I could believe it, but there are enough fawning little girls in the world to swoon at worse, I am sure.
    Haer’Dalis: The poem was merely a decoy, my friends. But seeing yon two opposites unite against a common foe does set my heart a-soaring. Were you to mount a stage performance of one of the great love stories, 'twould be an event to remember. Nay, not some simple tale of star-crossed lovers, but the best kind, full of mistrust, words spat in anger and faces slapped in fury, culminating in the inevitable pairing of two so obviously meant for one another. The passionate hatred, the uneasy alliance and then the sweet surrender to passionate embrace... ah, the audience would feel your pain and pleasure for they would be so real!
    Edwin: She would never live through the first act. I would find myself simply unable to slip out of character when asked by the script to stay my hand. (I am finding it hard to resist even now.)
    Jaheira: Don't flatter yourself, Edwin. You would be fortunate to walk away with a permanent limp after the first rehearsal.
    Haer’Dalis: Magnificent. Truly magnificent.
  • Journal entry for one of the island quests in Tales of the Sword Coast:
    "We have agreed to retrieve Farthing's dolly should we come across it on the island. She has allowed us to play with the doll on the way back."
    • Some of your journal entries in the first game qualify. This includes the parts about the cats in Reevor's warehouse (Candlekeep) and the comments CHARNAME makes about a halfling named Zhurlong in Beregost.
    Reevor has sent me to clean out the storage house. It seems the cats have turned traitor and the rats are on the offensive! I am the only hope in the face of this unstoppable power. Farewell, dear journal... farewell.
  • The second time your party's thief teams up with Narlen and Rededge to burglarize a house, she or he has to think quickly when the owner (a jeweler named Gantolodran) starts to wake up.
    Gantolodran: Zzz*cough...wha...who's...who's there?
    Thief: Meow-w-w.
    Gantolodran: Grrmble...blasted cat. Hrmph...snork...zzzzzz
    Gantolodran: Zzzzz...wha...wait a minute. I don't own a cat. Who's there?
    Thief: I'm a stray, go back to sleep. Shhhhhhhhhh
    Gantolodran: YAWN...that makes sense...g'nite kitty...zzzzzz
    Gantolodran: Zzzz*Grumble...noisiest talking cat I ever heard...wha..what did I just say? Noisiest talking ca...Guards! Guards!
    Thief: The jig's up! Out, we must get out!
  • Tales of the Sword Coast has an encounter that lets you introduce yourself in a rather hilarious fashion:
    Player: I am Dinklemus Littlelog and I have come in search of the holy groundhog!
  • When wandering around the Bridge District in the second game, you're treated with various exchanges if you speak to a certain little girl with different members in your party:
    Viconia: (sigh) So what else is new?
    Nalia: Er... I think someone needs to sit down and have a long talk with your mother...
    Edwin: Oh, do shut up, girl!! (miserable, pissant child!)
  • There's something deliciously narky about Jaheira's responses in the following conversation:
    Baron Ployer: Jaheira, you and your claims brought me shame and suffering, and today I am going to exact payment. For your slanderous accusations I am going to...
    Jaheira: Well, the slander is going a bit far. You actually were a slaver, you know. It's not slander if it's proven.
  • One of Xzar's 'clicked-on' quotes is "STOP TOUCHING MEEEEEEEE!" in a very goofy-sounding voice.
    • Others have clicked-on reactions:
      Drizzt Do'Urden: DON'T POKE DRIZZT! 'Tis entirely unsociable.
      Jaheira: Yes, oh omnipresent authority figure?
      Duncan: Hey, don't click me! I don't want any trouble!
      Edwin: Please don't disturb me while I'm plotting to overthrow you.
      Edwin: I do not understand this... "mouse magic" that makes me do thine bidding.
      Khalid: Click on someone your own size!
      Tiax: The day comes when TIAX will point and click!
      Dynaheir: Watch thee where thy place that pointer!
  • Korgan getting Jan to tell a story is quite funny and disturbing:
    Korgan: ‘Tis been far too long since our last battle. Jan, ye runty windbag, tell me a story to ward off the boredom ... and if ye know what’s good for ye, it’ll be about dwarves!
    Jan: Ah, finally someone who appreciates my tales! A tale about dwarves, eh? Let me see, of course - my cousin Kimble. Not a dwarf himself per se, but Kimble always was of peculiar tastes for a gnome. He fell in love with a dwarven lass. She was stout and stocky, with a gruff voice and a soft, supple beard...
    Korgan: Ah, gnome, ye know how to paint a lovely picture ... such a beauty she must ha’ been!
    Jan: Oh yes, she was a fine looking woman ... to Kimble’s eyes at least. She cast a spell on him far stronger than any sorcerer could have. But she wouldn’t have anything to do with my cousin - she had dwarven princes and clan lords after her calloused hands, and she couldn’t be bothered with a dirt poor turnip farming gnome. But Kimble’s heart wouldn’t be denied ... he left his own family to follow this bewitching character back to her clan home.
    Korgan: Yer losin’ me gnome, I don’t want no weeping love story. I want killin’ and death! Give me blood!
    Jan: You wanted a story about dwarves, and this is the only one I’ve got. I just can’t make up a life, you know ... that would be an affront to the grand tradition of storytelling in my family! Now, where was I? Oh yes, Kimble. My cousin followed the lovely dwarven lass to her clan home in the Alimir Mountains, and started a turnip farm there. He had a rough go of it at first, let me tell you ... taxes, levies, zoning restrictions. It was almost like the dwarves didn’t want him and his farm there. But they never had turnips, so they didn’t really know what they were missing. One of those turnips started to sprout things, changed in a hurry. Turns out the dwarves of that particular clan LOVED turnips. Fried, baked, boiled, pureed, mashed - you couldn’t find a meal of the day they didn’t have turnips with. Turnips became so fashionable they began to wear clothes made from turnips. Never did a dwarf look so snazzy (or smell so appetizing) as when he dressed up in a turnip top hat and turnip tails, with turnip skin shoes to complete the ensemble. And with his turnip business booming, Kimble had more wealth than he knew what to do with. Just walking around his house was an effort, what with all the mountains of gold spilling out of every door of every room.
    Korgan: All that gold got me attention, gnome. But the happy ending isn’t doin’ much for me.
    Jan: Happy ending? I never said any such thing. Kimble was rich, true enough - but it turns out his dwarven love didn’t share her clans’ fondness for turnips. In fact, she was deathly allergic. She did her best to avoid the lethal vegetables, but as popular as Kimble’s crops were it was only a matter of time before she accidentally ate one. It killed her, of course. Heartbroken, Kimble tried to return to his own people. But the dwarves just weren’t going to let him and his turnips leave. They threw him in prison and demanded he reveal the secrets of turnip farming, but that isn’t something you can just teach. You either have the gift or you don’t, and dwarves don’t. In the end Kimble’s frail body succumbed to the dwarves’ torture and interrogation and he left to join his beloved in the afterlife. And that particular dwarven clan discovered that turnip farmers were almost as tasty as turnips themselves. Or so I’ve heard.
    Korgan: HAR! HAR! HAR! A great tale, gnome. Ye done yerself proud!
  • In the Enhanced Edition, having Tiax and Dorn in the same party will result in the mad little gnome trying to steal the Blackguard's demonic power and fail hilariously. Dorn is too amused by it, and Tiax attempting to play off his failure as intentional comedy, to stomp him out for it.
  • Also in the Enhanced Edition, try to have Minsc around when initiating Neera's quest:
    Neera: In magical term, I can play a pretty mean tune. But when I miss a note, the flute shoots fire at everyone. Also, the flute sometimes turns me into a hamster.
    Minsc: Did you hear that, Boo? Maybe she will turn into a hamster, and we will have a little friend for you to wrassel!
    Neera: <CHARNAME>, promise to keep him away from me if it does happen again!
    <CHARNAME> (possible answer): No, it's been too long since we've had a good hamster cage match.
  • In Enhanced Edition II, there's a somewhat elaborate but fairly still fairly basic quest involving a bear named Wilson, a hippie wild mage, and a trapper. You can pay 5000 gold to free Wilson talking to him, and then he runs off. End of quest, right? No. When you go to leave the area (Heretic Temple), you see Wilson standing by the exit. If you go up to him, CHARNAME strikes up another one-sided conversation with Wilson. What's the result of the talk? Wilson offers to join the party, and you can let him. One of the most unexpected, hilarious, and delightful quest rewards possible.
  • In the Enhanced Edition of the second game, the magical ale stein you get as a gift from one of the wild mages is said to have your name monogrammed on it by its creator. If you look at the picture of the item, it very clearly says CHARNAME.
  • The good solution to the Pride test in the second game's climax. The voice acting clinches it completely.
    CHARNAME: But why does [this creature] deserve death?
    Pride demon: Because it exists! It stands in your way!
    CHARNAME: Are you saying it will not simply give me the Tear?
    Pride demon: *Deflating completely* Well... No. It... *might* give it to you, if you ask it nicely enough, I suppose...
  • Dorn feeling the need to point out his Even Evil Has Standards moment when describing his relationship with Gromnir. He knows just how much of a bad guy he is.
    Dorn: "While our human blood made both Gromnir and me outcasts in our own tribe, he was always different. He took to slaughter a little too eagerly. That I, of all people, say this should tell you something of Gromnir's depravity. He celebrated his victories in excessive and disgusting fashion — and bear in mind, I was told this by someone whose mouth was stuffed with raw pig fat at the time."
    • And then there's the whole Straight Man and Wise Guy deal whenever the player makes a particularly silly joke in his presence.
    Dorn: Your wit is duller than a blind man's hammer.
    Charname: You love it.
  • A bit meta, but one of the ways to get around wizards who triggered Protection from Magic Weapons and Protection from Normal Missiles at the start of every fight. Sure, you could waste an inventory slot lugging around normal weapons for every melee character...or you could just unequip your weapons and beat the wizard unconscious. "Haha! You'll never get through my defences...wait, what are you doing? *Batman sound effect panels*"
  • Imoen: So... Sarevok. You've had an itty-bitty piece of my soul in there for quite a while now. What's it been like?
    Sarevok: Well, other than a slight obsession with my weight and the resurgence of a few pimples, it's been simply grand.
  • A snobbish nobleman in Baldur's Gate will complain that the iron frame to his mirror broke and goes on like it's the worst that could happen in the world. You can tell him that there are more important things in the world than his vanity, he replies "no, there isn't!" It's rare finding a self-aware snob.
  • One Unfinished Business quests involves Boo being kidnapped. Minsc desperately tries looking for Boo and is reduced to tears. Aerie, of all people, will offer her sleeve if you have her in the group.
  • Jaheira's personal quest in Baldur's Gate II begins with a summons for her and Charname to go to the Galvarey estate. You're immediately subjected to a Kangaroo Court, where a corrupt Harper is trying to prove that Charname's Bhaalspawn heritage makes him/her evil (even if you're playing as Lawful Good). It's immediately obvious to Charname and Jaheira that, no matter what you say, the Harper will twist your words. So, if you should so choose, Charname can have some of his or her most epic Deadpan Snarker moments:
    (when asked if you know why you're here) I am here because Harpers meddle in the affairs of others, an activity they take sadistic pleasure in.
    (when asked what your earliest memories are) Well, I remember coming in that door behind me. Beyond that it is all a blur. Sorry.
    (when asked if you have violent thoughts) I'm having several right now. Really good ones too. You'd laugh if you could see them. Well, no, maybe YOU wouldn't.
    • Made even better if a male PC is romancing Jaheira—it's implied he's doing this to mess with her.
  • In ToB, Aerie will ask Imoen about life as a Bhaalspawn. At first, it's fairly serious:
    Imoen: ...The taint says awful things and I almost want to scream to shut them out.
    Aerie: (gasp!) You... you haven't done anything that it's said, have you?
    Imoen: Well... other than that time I got up in the middle of the night to snatch a bag full of cinnamon cookies, heck no.
    Aerie: Oh, goo-... what? Cinnamon cookies?
    Imoen: Ha ha! Oh, come on, Aerie! Lighten up, willya? I'll tell ya what, if I have any desires to murder you in the middle of the night, you'll be the first to know, okay?
    • Aerie then gets somewhat indignant at Imoen for joking at a time like this, especially if CHARNAME puts in his/her two cents:
    Aerie: That's not very funny, Imoen. CHARNAME never makes fun of his/her condition that way.
    CHARNAME: (possible answer) Well, it's been so much easier since I discovered all the Slayer really wants is a sandwich.
    Aerie: Oh, fine. Everyone seems determined to make fun of me. I'll stand back here, thank you.
  • This seems to happen anytime someone acts concerned about Imoen.
    Mazzy: Forgive me, Imoen, if I am being too inquisitive, but I simply must know. Are you... feeling any ill-effects from the taint on your soul?
    Imoen: Ill-effects? What kind of ill-effects? Irritableness, nausea, tone deafness, sudden cravings for pasta in the middle of the night? That sort of thing?
  • In Baldur's Gate II, exploring a certain area of sewers below the slums presents you with a side-quest to track down several different items: a severed hand, a lover's ring from two dead lovers, the blood of a carrion crawler, and the blueberry-conjuring staff of a kobold shaman. When you go after the staff, you can offer the shaman 2000 gold pieces for it; he immediately stops his speech about trouble glories and hands it over.
    Kobold shaman: Staff? You want Stick of Many Foods?! You not get! You come to steal greatest treasure of Crragtail empire! Better than Throne of Comfy, or Pipe That Smell Not Quite So Much!
    CHARNAME: I do not wish to diminish the glory of your rule, but how does 2000 gold sound?
    Kobold shaman: Insult that you try to buy great stick! You insult all us and... ehh... how much you say? What wa' dat?
    CHARNAME: 2000 gold for the glory of your realm.
    Kobold shaman: Yeah, glory, whateverrrr. Stick yours. Have funs above.
    Kobold: Reaagh...wha?!
    Kobold shaman: We live in sewer, stupids! Stinky not funs! You sit and have realm. Stupid number three new leader. I go beaches and golds. Bye bye.
    • Best part? The other kobolds are so insulted that they'll open fire on the shaman as it tries to run away, and will probably kill it before turning their attention to you.
  • A random encounter in the Athkatla graveyard will have your party encounter a poor man called Nevin whose dead uncle Lester has risen from his grave because his funeral was so lousy. The two will then start bickering with each other with the party reduced to onlookers.
    Lester: Call me a fiend, will you? I've never seen such a cheap funeral in my life! You sold my clothes and kept the casket closed! You picked the flowers this morning from near the swamp! And you gave a drunken priest of Talos a few coppers to slur some lines of profanity to pass for a eulogy! The outrage! The sheer outrage!
  • Talking to Maple Willow Aspen will get a funny exchange:
    Maple Willow Aspen: WHAT?! You were going to ask about my name, weren't you? Everyone wants to know about it, and you're probably no different! Well fine! Maple Willow Aspen IS my name and YES my parents were VERY fond of TREES! I am VERY aware of it, and NO don't want to hear ANY jokes about family trees and me being the SAP! Are you HAPPY NOW?!
    Charname: Actually, I was just interested in directions.
    Maple Willow Aspen: You mean you don't...well then, *cough* What can I help you with?
  • Depending on who you travel with in BGII, getting used to your Drow disguise in the Underdark can take some time. After Charname acts appropriately fearsome:
    Jaheira: That was close. We must make an effort to act as we appear.
    Edwin: You heard her. Pretentious attitudes for everyone. Care to model yours, Jaheira? Just so we get it right?
    Jaheira: Edwin, in some another time... some other place, such a comment would get you a beating of mythic proportions. It may yet.
  • In the second game, one of the tasks Aran Linvail assigns to Charname is to take out two defectors to the new guild, who are waiting for a contact named Gracen. If Charname is male, it's possible for him to convince them that he's Gracen, up until the real Gracen shows up. Even after this, Charname can just switch tacks.
    Defector: You're Gracen? But... Oh by the hells, spies are here! Kill them!
    Charname: Yes, spies! Kill them before they expose you!
    Defector: What? No, you're the spies! Help us kill them, Gracen!
    Charname: No, you are the spies! Let's get them, Gracen!
    Gracen: Enough of this! The deal is off! I will kill all of you!
  • This anecdote from R.A. Salvatore who played the game. He repeatedly tried to kill of his own creation, Drizzt Do'Urden, but fail at every turn! A few months later, he received a letter of apology from a fan who successfully killed Drizzt. Salvatore replied that he'll only forgive him if the fan reveal him how he did it.

Alternative Title(s): Baldurs Gate II


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