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Fanfic / Harry Potter Becomes a Communist

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Harry Potter Becomes a Communist by HardcoreCommie is a Harry Potter Crack Fic which is generally regarded as So Bad, It's Good. It ran for 191 chapters, posted on FanFiction.Net from 2013 to 2017. The final chapter was posted on November 7, 2017 — the centennial of Red October, naturally.

The story opens with Harry meeting up with Ron and Hermione on the Hogwarts Express, and explaining how he converted to communism over the summer. Upon arriving at Hogwarts, they discover that Dumbledore, a libertarian, has sold out to the bourgeoisie and hired an evil capitalist named Professor Pepsi for the Defense Against the Dark Arts post. As a petit-bourgeois liberal, Hermione thinks this is just fine, but Harry begins organizing his classmates for revolution. Most of the rest of the plot can be summed up as Harry and his allies fighting against various "bourgeois" enemies while vaguely working towards their apparent eventual goal of freeing Hogwarts from Dumbledore and Pepsi's regime.

Read it here. There's also a version translated into Russian.

Harry Potter Becomes a Communist provides examples of:

  • Adam and Eve Plot: Hermione suggests that she and Harry repopulate Hogwarts after the school and almost everyone in it is destroyed by Obscurials.
  • Adaptation Personality Change: Everyone is way more political here compared to the books, among other changes.
  • Anatomically Impossible Sex: Of course. Most notably, at one point the author says "clit" when he clearly means "vagina". In the next author's note, he excuses himself by saying, "it doesnt matter if i make mistaks about female anatomy becuz I support abortion anyway."
  • Anti-Advice: Uncle Vernon's opposition to communism was Harry's inspiration for reading The Communist Manifesto in the first place.
  • Author Tract: The entire fic could be considered one about the merits of communism and the faults of various other political ideologies. If it’s a trollfic, then the opposite may be true.
  • Ax-Crazy: Harry and his allies kill many of their fellow students and eventually destroy Hogwarts itself and everyone in it.
  • Back from the Dead: Sirius Black.
    Sirius!” I said in a radical working man’s voice. “I thought you were killed by drapery!”
    “I came back BECAUSE I FUCKING FELT LIKE IT!” Sirius explained. “Any questions?”
  • Beauty Equals Goodness: Harry's female supporters are all sexy while his female opponents are all ugly. His narration repeatedly insists that it just happened to work out this way.
  • Big Bad Duumvirate: Dumbledore and Professor Pepsi are the principal targets of Harry's revolution and the most explicitly capilatist characters in the fic.
  • Big Bad Wannabe: Voldemort's role in the story is rather small and more of an after-thought, compared to the threat of Dumbledore and Pepsi.
  • Bigger Is Better in Bed: When Harry ends up naked:
    I wasn't aroused either, although you might have thought I was based on my penis. However, I didn't have an erection at all and was just that big normally.
  • Black-and-White Insanity: Harry is uncompromising in his belief that anyone who isn't a Leninist/Stalinist deserves to die in pain.
    "False consciousness is when people think communism is bad. Since communism is good, it means they're obviously insane."
  • Chick Magnet: Most of the girls in Hogwarts are attracted to Harry, and he himself has sex with several women over the course of the story.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: Harry's dialogue especially, but ultimately the whole story.
  • Cult of Personality: Even as the Warsaw Pact grows more and more admiring of Harry, he denies forming one.
  • Crossover: Features brief crossovers with Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, My Immortal, and The Draco Trilogy, consisting of appearances by rationalist!Quirrell, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, and Rhysenn Malfoy respectively.
  • Cruel and Unusual Death: A disturbingly sizable number. Examples include Professor McGonagall being incinerated in midair, Draco Malfoy being strangled with his shirt till his head explodes and Voldemort ending up sodomized to death by the Big Fucking Broomstick.
  • Dramatic Reading: Several: here is one, and this one is even plugged by the author.
  • Double Standard Rape: Female on Male: Anthony Goldstein, who is framed as a misogynistic, horny creep, gets his soul slowly sucked out during his intercourse with Rhysenn Malfoy. Harry immediately commands him to stop "raping" her (although it's the other way around), and when Anthony is powerless to get her off of him, Harry responds by killing him and turning his body into an avocado.
  • Enemy Mine: Twice. First, Harry allies with the Death Eaters to fight against Dumbledore. Then, after the Death Eaters betray Harry and take over Hogwarts, Harry allies with Dumbledore and Pepsi to fight the Death Eaters.
  • Everybody's Dead, Dave: Everyone (except for Harry and Hermione) dies in the final chapter. Hermione doesn’t live much longer after that.
  • Evil All Along: Draco Malfoy, Voldemort, and Bellatrix Lestrange. All of them were only pretending and quickly pull Face Heel Turns.
  • Face–Heel Turn: Happens to many characters, including Hermione Granger, Romilda Vane, Draco Malfoy, Alastor Moody, Dean Thomas, Bellatrix Lestrange, and Ron Weasley.
  • Fan Disservice: Every time someone opposite of Harry strips naked, it is treated as this, but the main examples would be Hildegard, Dumbledore and Umbridge.
  • Going Commando: Many members of the Warsaw Pact, especially (but not exclusively) the girls.
  • Hypocrite: Professor Pepsi apparently is one for being the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher despite following capitalism, the “darkest art of all.”
    • Harry himself is guilty of this, saying how oppressive and reactionary all his opponents are, never mind the fact that he maimed 19 of his classmates for being "counter-revolutionaries", and killed everyone he deemed a threat or a traitor including Dean, Romilda, Sirius, Ron and Hermione.
    • According to Harry, it's only propaganda when The Enemy does it - what he does is "spread the revolution".
    • The author also qualifies, fully admitting to purchasing Che Guevara T-Shirts by taking advantage of a Black Friday deal, despite constantly criticizing those who engage in capitalist driven consumerism.
  • I Do Not Own: "I dont own HP. JKR does butt it should be owed by the stat cuz privacy property is evil lol. Workers of the world urinite! If you flam you have false consciousness."
  • Informed Attribute: Professor McGonagall is repeatedly called a racist despite almost never expressing any explicit prejudice toward people because of their race. She even screens an Indian film in class, though to Harry this is just further proof of her racism as it means she is appropriating Indian culture.
  • Insistent Terminology: The broom that Harry and Tonks steal from Hildegard's office is always called Big Fucking Broomstick.
  • Killed Offscreen: Angelina Johnson, Lee Jordan, and Parvati Patil. In the end, the last surviving characters including Harry's harem and Professor Pepsi are destroyed by the Obscurials.
  • Malicious Slander: According to the author, Josef Stalin himself is a victim of this.
    I must disagree with u about Stalin. He never killed any1. Have you read “Khrushchev Lied” by Grover Furr?
  • A Nazi by Any Other Name: The Death Eaters are even more obvious about it than in the Canon, being constantly identified as Alt-right fascists and intending to destroy the "Mudblood Occupation Government" to stop the interbreeding of muggles and wizards.
  • Not Distracted by the Sexy: Almost constantly on the part of Harry.
    Several arousing females with sensual bodies of feminine shapes were staring at my manly chest of comradely hair, but I didn’t pay any attention to that because the revolution was more important.
  • "Not So Different" Remark: Quirrel points out that Harry attempting to force the spiders' culture to conform to his communist ideals is no different than Quirrel's own White Man's Burden attitude towards the centaurs. Harry ignores this.
    "Oh, is that all?" laughed Quirrel sardonically in a sardonic voice. "I think you're just as much of a white savior as I am."
  • N-Word Privileges: The author claims to have these with regards to Barack Obama. ("Et waz not racist when I called Obama a nigger. Barock Obongo betrayed the black proletariate to work for the FUCKING WHITE CAPITALISTS. Even tho im not black, I can see he truly is a real uncle tom nigger.")
  • Obligatory Swearing: When even characters like Hermione and Professor McGonagall are dropping the occasional F-bomb, you know this trope is in effect.
  • Poe's Law: Even with 191 chapters, it's notoriously difficult to determine whether the author is pro-communist or anti-communist in Real Life.
  • Revenge: Harry vows not to wear a shirt until he has avenged Tonks’ death.
  • Rouge Angles of Satin: Averted in the text proper, but in author's notes this is very prevalent.
  • Rule-Abiding Rebel: According to the story, anyone on the left who doesn't support Marxist-Leninist ideology.
  • Sir Swearsalot: In the first few chapters Harry is the only one who swears in pretty much every sentence. After a certain point basically every character starts dropping the F-Bomb at least once per line.
  • Straw Misogynist: Alastor Moody is made into an exaggerated "red-pilled" He-Man Woman Hater who introduces himself by killing Tonks For the Evulz.
  • Suspiciously Specific Denial: One of the most persistent Running Gags of the fic is that Harry constantly emphasizes how hot his often naked female supporters are, then immediately points out that he only sees them as part of the proletariat and not as sex objects.
  • Take That!: The characters from other fics are presented as antagonists to Harry's revolution, two of which are killed by Harry himself.
  • Tears of Blood: Ebony Way, as per usual. Only this time she dies from blood loss as a result.
  • The War on Straw: Just about any political ideology you can think of is reduced to a cartoonish over the top caricature of its real life iteration.
  • Troll Fic: As usual, we're not entirely sure, but those familiar with far-left politics tend to think so, citing such things as the author's reference to Grover Furr as evidence of trolling.
  • Villain Protagonist: Communist Harry Potter is incredibly obsessed with idiological purity and will violent murder everyone who stands in his way, even those who simply have a different position than him.
  • We ARE Struggling Together: Harry's two main enemies on the left are Romilda Vane (an anarchist) and Dean Thomas (a Trotskyite). Both are portrayed as tools of the bourgeoisie.
  • White Man's Burden: Harry accuses Quirrel of this by trying to make the centaurs his view of "rationality". Quirrel in turn accuses Harry of this for trying to overthow cultures and force them to subscribe to his communist beliefs.