"So, I'm the one who gets to go through training... Ass. Slap-age."
"Hmm, bar-cage window... *tries door, locked* Ah, this must be the gimp closet, for after hours. I don't think I'm gonna come back here. Too many weirdos."
"The only reason I'm here is because everyone else on the team is too damned frail to do any physical activity whatsoever. So, because I can lift a box, I'm automatically the lab gofer."
More 'basic' training:
Holographic Assistant: Walk directly into the ladder, look up, and continue moving forward. If you want to come back down, just move backward.
Freeman: 'To wipe your ass, first orient your hand behind yourself, then move it forward... or backward.' Honestly, who doesn't know how to use a ladder? I mean, it's a LADDER! Somehow, I don't think this program is designed for the gifted."
"I still want a hologram, though. How cool would it be to set one up in the lab, so that when one of the scientists walks in, sits down, starts working, I have a hologram of a homeless guy run up and try and stab them with a knife. People would be spilling their coffee, that's for sure. I could hide some speakers to make an audio clip sync up with the hologram. Then they would hear the bum's footsteps and him going 'Nyeeeeeaaaaagh!' People would crap their pants, man! I'd need a hidden camera, too."
The conclusion of 'Jump Training':
Hologuide: Now that you're up here, there's only one way down. Freeman:(Looking around) Where? Hologuide: Find the target on the floor below, and do your best to hit it. Freeman:What. Hologuide: If you take any damage from the fall, we will administer medical care at the next station. Freeman: Is this a joke? They want me to jump from this height onto flat concrete?! There must be a typo with the instructions or something that no one corrected. I could climb down, but they want me to hit that target. I'm not doing that, that's retarded! So... I guess I failed the "lemming" portion of the test, but hopefully that's not required to pass the whole course. Well, training's over! I think I'll get out of here and go take my lunch break. (pause) I'll just tell everyone I passed training. Nobody's going to check this.
First 30 seconds of the series, as his tram passes by a security guard (Barney Calhoun) banging on a locked door:
Freeman: Ah, I'm not the only one who's late. SUCKEEEEEEER!
This was even referenced in Ian Riley's Barney's Mind.
Freeman's priceless safety "revelation:"
Black Mesa P.A.: In the event of an emergency... please stay away from electrified rails, and proceed to an emergency station until assistance arrives. Freeman: Man, how dumb would you have to be? I mean, they're not going to say something like that unless somebody's already tried to do it, right? I guess if I was drunk enough I might climb out the window here and pull some hang-time on the electrified tram rail. That kind of reminds me of the squirrel that got caught between the power lines one day back at M.I.T. The thing caught on fire and got fused to the wires, which caused a transformer to blow out and knock out power to all of campus. That squirrel must have cost the university at least ten thousand dollars. It was a good day.
"Man, are they still talking about hiring? I guess my cousin Jesse needs a job... If only he wasn't a sex offender, it'd be so much easier to find something for him."
Jesse returns in a later episode. Freeman mentions that he enjoys shocking himself with a cattle prod. It's the nonchalant tone he uses that sells it.
[Sees a cargo robot ahead of the tram] "Woah... WE'RE GONNA CRASH! ...Oh good, it stopped."
[seeing a radioactive spill] "Hey, what's that green crap? What is this?! Jesus Christ, look at this place! This is a disaster! That's gotta be toxic. God, the E.P.A. is gonna tear us apart if they find out about that! Well, I'm not saying anything. I don't want to get called in as a witness in court when the cat gets out of the bag."
"Yeah, ya know what? I don't even care any more. By the time I get suited up I'm gonna be over an hour late. I figure I'm either fired, or I'm not."
[Stops outside an office] "Wait a minute... Did I see what I think I did? [enters lab, looks at whiteboard] Yep, I sure did. Newton's formula for gravitational force. Having trouble remembering that one, guys? What is this, are we back in high school now? My department's working on quantum displacement. Just what the hell are you guys doing? Jerking around in lab coats from the looks of things! [leaves] I just can't believe it. Those monkeys are having trouble learning about gravity. Whereas I can recite the quantum chromodynamicgauge invariantlagrangian in my sleep! There is no justice... am I hearing things?"
[walking into the "computer lab" for the first time] "TURN DOWN THE MUSIC, YOU FRIGGIN' BASS-HEADS! IT SOUNDS LIKE A STRIP CLUB IN HERE! GOD DAMN! LET'S GET SOME DANCING GIRLS IN CAGES, WHY DON'T YOU?! GOOD LORD!" [walks out] "Man! Programmers...who knows what they're doing in there! They're gonna go deaf by the end of the year at that rate. Next time I have to go in there, I'll bring some ear protection!"
After failing to steal a bowl of noodles from the break room microwave:
Freeman: Oh well, guess I'll have to grab something else for breakfast... like some oxycodooooone!
"Man, my voice falls on deaf ears... I wonder if Feynman felt the same way? [opens locker] What the hell...? Whose stuff is this? There my name, but... A bowling certificate? Baby pictures? A blue poncho? Where's all my stuff?! WHERE'S MY STASH!? This is freaking me out..."
"Oh yeah, that's busted alri-" [BLAM] "Woah! Damn Cyrix processors; you go with the lowest bidder, and look what happens."
"Does my beard intimidate you?"
When two scientists use Retinal Scanners to open the Test Chamber for Dr. Freeman:
Freeman: Ahh, stop that noise! I hate that! It reminds me of that dream I have where I'm strapped to a gurney watching Fraggle Rock with flashing lights on either side of me, then I realize: I'm in Hell! It's all crap anyway. The only reason they we have those scanners is because they caught me playing racquet ball in here once.
Times like this, I remember why I became a physicist: to show anti-matter particles WHO'S BOSS! YEAH!!
Man, I hope we get some good readings today; depending on what we find, we might just disprove string theory. That would make my day... and I wouldn't be gracious about it, either; I'd rub people's faces in it!
[Just as the video is fading out and the studio logo is shown] "Oh my God, this is crazy-in-a-box with a side order of fries..."
[Gordon is back in the Test Chamber] "No...no, no, no, no, n— Huh, what? Hehe...hahaha! I'm not in Crazy Land anymore! Man that was weirder than when I stayed up for 48 hours straight and thought my house was being invaded by Frog People!"
"I am Captain Gordon Freeman of the Intergalactic House of Pancakes, ordering you to open!" [door opens] Yes! [door closes] No! [door malfunctions] Shit. Uhh... don'tkillme!"
"You can just smell the money burning in this place..."
"I hate computers! Why do they always blow up when I use them?"
Right after the resonance cascade and Freeman sees all the death and destruction caused by it, he walks up to Eli and another scientist:
Freeman: He-hey! Boy, we really fucked up this time, huh?
[Facing down a headcrab unarmed] "Okay, I can do this. I am the matador. I fearlessly—" [headcrab jumps] "FUCK! SHIT! PISS! Those things BITE!"
"I've been meaning to take Kung Fu lessons for years now because I knew there'd be a day like today and I would be ready. But I kept putting it off, and here I am totally unprepared and not knowing Kung Fu! Procrastination has failed me, yet again."
"Today, all my limbo practice pays off!"
"Hey, is it getting warmer? [turns around to see the laser he just limboed under inching towards him] YAAAH!! WOW!! I almost got a free haircut and lobotomy, damn!"
"Hey, I can't limbo this! It goes though the floor! That's cheating! Look at this thing! It's an Etch A Sketch from HELL!"
[Reading a warning sign] "'Do not use Elevators.'" [Pushes the elevator button; drops the elevator car with two scientists aboard] Oh shit, they weren't kidding! Aww jeez, what do I do; the door won't open! RRRGH! [smashes the glass door] Oh, what should I do? I guess, uh... SORRY! DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL YOU! Oh man, I hope they at least were jerks..."
"Follow the dead body road! Follow the dead body road! Follow, follow, foll— damn! Look at all that blood!"
Followed by Gordon contemplating how much money he could make selling the blood, organs and/or cadavers.
"Oh, good. more blood! I was starting to get worried! God, what happened? This guy looks like he got hit by a steamroller!"
Immediately after his organ/blood/cadaver-selling musing:
Freeman: (turns corner and sees zombies) "Oh no, it's the ghosts of those two guys coming back to haunt me! Oh, wait, they're just monsters. Uhhh, what do I do? Oh, I know, I'll stand still! They'll pass by me 'cause they don't have any eyes!" (zombie turns to attack him) "AAAAH! Damnit, how'd they see me?! That is so unfair! They don't even have any eyes!"
Upon discovering the entry door to the Sector is locked:
Freeman: "Oh, you've got to be shitting me. I'm gonna sue the hell out of Black Mesa when I get out of here! Locking your workers in? That's what the Triangle Shirtwaist factory did! Locked its workers in, then there was a fire, then everybody died! That's a formula for success. Damn it! We're making history right now - crap history! [smashes console with crowbar, door opens] What? Ha-ha! I am incredible. Is there any end to the number of problems that I can solve just by beating the hell out of something? I'm not sure there is!
That's how I say "Open Sesame"... with a crowbar to the face!
Freeman: "Why does everyone have to keep dying on me? Is it really so hard to just not die? I mean, look at me! I was in the chamber at freaking ground zero and I'm still here! Yet you guys slip on a banana peel and that's it! Ugh. Darwin was right. I didn't realize I was working with a bunch of lemmings."
"I'll go around so I don't have to walk in the blood, but at the rate I'm going, I'll be knee-deep in it before I get outta here..."
Freeman contemplating whether or not the Programmers were killed by the aliens, or simply "raved themselves to death."
"Escape From Techno Hell!"
"He-hey, gunshots! 'Where there's a gun, there's fun!' ...Or not."
"Welp, time to play God. Let's see people disrespect me now. They'll find out what happens when they mess with The Freeman."
A computer crushes a headcrab.
Freeman: YES! HAHAHA! The enemy of my enemy is my other enemy.
"It's the same story every time! You give people the benefit of the doubt and they try to kill you!"
Freeman: "You know how when they say you're part of the help or part of the problem? Well, they were talking about you! [kills it] There. Now you're part of the solution."
"White men in armored Hazmat suits can't jump"
"Uh-oh, train's leaving the station. All aboard!" *Headcrabs leap out* "No, not you! You don't have a ticket!"
"Damn, this suit does not protect against gravity." [....] "Facehuggers! Okay, batter up. Strike one. Strike two. Strike- AAAH! It's raining men! I mean aliens!"
"Why is this taking so long?! I could fall faster than this!"
"No! Shut up! No-one cares about your opinion! You have no rights! You're all illegal immigrants! Now just do what you're told and jump off this giant meat grinder! No! You're doing it wrong! You're all incompetent!"
Directly after this, when he walks onto a catwalk that promptly breaks underneath him, "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT HAPPENED?!!"
"Okay, now I have some options. I can either fall to my death in this black pit, land on the edge and gore myself on jagged metal mesh, or land on the concrete and maybe break my legs! And before all I had was the pit."
After encountering another broken catwalk:
Freeman: Hey, a rope! Now I can be Tarzan!
[imitates Tarzan yell, sees the "rope" belongs to a barnacle]
Freeman: Hey, wait, that's not a rope! These are, like, jellyfish or something. If I swung on that, it could come crashing down on me. These aliens are just good for nothing.
[jumps off catwalk, lands on a crate]
Freeman: These crates are good for something. That one just broke my fall. That means aliens are worth less than crates! Which is, what, a few dollars?
"Wow. I wasn't expecting this. This must be our box-smashing room. I mean, what? We have a bottomless pit, and the sides are all plate metal that looks strong enough to withstand a missile blast. This room must have cost a couple hundred thousand to build. Eat your heart out, taxpayers! This is where your money goes!"
Good old New Mexico! We're really making a name for the state. First they invented the atomic bomb at Los Alamos, and now we've invented mean-ass aliens that teleport out of nowhere! I don't know which is worse! When they invented the atomic bomb they were afraid it was going to catch the atmosphere on fire and burn up the whole Earth, but they did it anyway. That took balls. Not us, though. The only people taking the risks were the ones who didn't understand them in the first place. We're not brave, we're just stupid.
"Wow, we picked the wrong contractor to build these catwalks... 'El Sleazo's Discount Construction: Bribing building inspectors for over 40 years!' "
"Huh. We've got so many dead bodies now, we're hanging them from the ceiling." [Body pulled up out of sight] "And then the ceiling eats them. I guess that works..."
[reading sign] "'Work hard, not smart'. Yep, that's us alright! We stay the course with stupid."
Freeman watching a shorted-out ceiling light:
[Headcrab gets zapped]
Freeman: Wha-ho! That shock took out a Face-hugger!
[Another Headcrab electrocuted]
Freeman: And another one! Will this guy make it?
[Third Headcrab shocked]
Freeman: Noooo... You are all popcorn!
"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
"Crate City: For all your creative crate needs!"
"Y'know, this reminds me of the time I came home from school, and there was some dead guy stuck in the smashed window of my apartment. He'd been trying to break in, but instead gutted himself on the insulated glass. That was not fun trying to explain that to the police..."
"I'm kind of like glass in a way. I'll tear people to shreds when I can't do my job."
Firing a gun inside the air-vent.
[discovers an untried door] "Okay, let's... [door locked] "..cry. This locked door thing is getting real old."
After killing some headcrabs in the ceiling:
Freeman: What are aliens doing up here, anyway? I guess they must have teleported in, but how do they know where to go? Oh, maybe they don't. Maybe they're teleporting into the walls. That could be why the building's falling apart. We're turning into the Swiss Cheese of the Damned.
While pinned down by an automated turret gun:
Freeman: Hey, want to be my human shield?
Scientist: Shut up!
Freeman: Just an idea! [looks around corner] No, just a dead end... maybe I could force him out there if I waved my gun at him...
Freeman: "OK, Children, class is in session! Everyone take your seat! [begins whaling on headcrabs with crowbar] I said 'Everyone take your SEAT'! Dammit Billy, that means you too! TAKE YOUR SEAT!!! Now, today's lesson is on- ...wait, what am I doing?"
[finds guard] "Hey, can I have your gun? I thought it would be cool to shoot people with two pistols like I'm in a John Woo movie or something. [Beat] Uh... fine. Don't say anything, you freak. [sees dead headcrabs] Oh, I guess he was using it. Still, one gun is fun, but two is Woo-tastic!
Freeman watches two scientists try to escape through the ventilation system:
Freeman: Oh, trying the vent thing, huh?
[The scientists scream and die; organs pour out of the vent]
Freeman: Ugh, you dumbasses! You can't go through the fan-blades!
"I'll kill every one of you bastards! All I need are bullets! We have a lot of bullets here! EARTH. IS A MINERAL. RICH. PLANET! I BET YOUR PLANET SUCKS!"
after nearly being eaten by a barnacle in the presence of a scientist
Freeman: What the fuck!?! Now I'm covered in blood! My hair... this is gonna jam my gun! [to scientist] And what about you! Enjoying the show!?!
Scientist: I just heard a secure-access transmission. Soldiers have arrived, and they're coming to rescue us. Of course, I have my doubts that we'll live long enough to greet them.
Freeman: Yeah, thanks for the warning, asshole! I really appreciate how you stood there staring at me, not doing a goddamn thing! You're like a cat watching a mouse die!
Freeman gets shot in the ear by a turret gun AND vomited on by a barnacle, and later gets some first aid near a guard.
Freeman: Ah, first aid. Yeah, need some gauze...
Guard: I'll bet that stings a bit.
Freeman: Yeah, no shit Skippy. I've got more blood on me than an axe murderer. I'd be arrested if I were to approach a child looking like this.
Upon seeing his first Exit Sign since the start of the series:
Freeman: Oh! An "Exit" sign! It's about bloody time.
Freeman: Okay, remain calm...
[bashes door with crowbar, glass doesn't break]
Freeman: Jesus! Okay, we'll take this to the next level.
Freeman: What the fuck? We installed bulletproof glass in our exit doors? That stuff's not cheap! How retarded are we!? I don't know anymore!
Attacked by a multitude of Headcrabs near the end of the episode:
Freeman: Oh my God, this was NOT APPROVED BY THE COMMITTEE! I'M NOT TAKING ANY QUESTIONS! NO COMMENT! NO COMMENT!NO COMMENT!
After being shot at by a turret gun:
Freeman: Why is the building trying to kill me? I'm an EMPLOYEE! YOU DON'T SHOOT YOUR EMPLOYEES! [starts shooting Headcrabs] YOU ARE NOT EMPLOYEES!
"Brooahhh! Coffee coffee coffee. Coffee! It's not as strong as methamphetamine, but it lets you keep your teeth."
Seeing a scientist running for his life:
Freeman: Heyyy, where's the party?
[Headcrab leaps at his face]
Freeman: Oh God! Okay, lead the way! Where're we going?
[Scientist retreats to a corner of the next room]
Freeman:What!? You're gonna hide in the corner? What're you, five years old!?
[Shoots a Bullsquid]
Freeman: Man, now I'm almost out of bullets. Are you happy? I'm not! You know what? You can stay in the corner. You've earned it. I'm gonna come back with a dunce cap for you, and you're gonna wear it!
"I'm probably carrying a few blood-borne diseases on my suit. I'm a walking C.D.C. nightmare. It makes me want to hug someone."
"I'M NOT A GERBIL!"
GIMMIE SOME DORITOS! Says the doctor while unsuccessfully trying to break the glass.
Episode 10. 5 (April Fool's Day)
"Feeling up dead people is how you get germs."
"Call me Ali Baba. Open Sesame!" *BANG*
Fires three shots at door "3 shots point blank... man, what the hell? It's like one of those doors in Looney Tunes where they blow up the building, but the door's still standing."
Gordon's death. When he makes the running leap for the ladder and misses...
Freeman: I should get a running start, though. This right here is why you should eat Wheaties in the morning...I guess any breakfast is better for you than the two shots of vodka that I had. Whatever; let's do this! (starts running) Hoogasaka, hoogasaka, hoo—(leaps, fails to grab the ladder, starts plummeting)OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT—(SPLAT!) (Flatlining noise) HEV Voice: HEV activated. Automatic medical systems engaged. Major fracture detected. Internal bleeding detected. Emergency! User death imminent.
Freeman gets some bad nachos:
Freeman: I need to find a phone so I can call their hotline and tell 'em I got bad nachos... and that the building's being attacked by aliens."
"Well, there can't be anything good in that office if that guy was diving out the window, so I guess I have to take the elevator... [Beat. Notices the elevator is out of order.] I GUESS I HAVE TO TAKE THE ELEVATOR."
"Now why is there no ladder here? The other elevator shaft had a ladder here! It was progressive!"
"So, my only way out of here is to take some flying Leap of Faith like that scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, then claw like a mad cat, and hope like hell I get a grip and don't break my ribs! Once again, I need a grappling hook. I can't believe this. Why do you have a ladder in an elevator shaft? To fix the elevator! How do you get to the ladder?You take the elevator that doesn't work! Who thought this one up?! Jesus Christ! I suppose I could do the math on whether this jump is feasible or not, but, you know... we'll have plenty of time for that when I'm dead.
Freeman dodges laser tripmines that could set of the sentry turrets and kill him, while 2 scientists calmly stare at him. After he gets past the lasers, there's only one thing on their minds:
Scientist: Do you know who ate all the donuts?
Gordon meets the Hazardous Environment Combat Unit marines (HEC Us):
Scientist: Rescued at last! Thank God you're here!
Freeman: Aww yeah, the rescue team!
[HECU guns down the scientist]
Freeman: ...Or, um, what? Okay, I can understand shooting someone running at you screaming, but I don't know... this feels shady. Is there another way out of here? I think this guy's in a bad mood. Well... all right, fine, I'll try and go make friends, even though that always ends up the same way. [looks again] See, he's not even trying to plant a gun on him or hide the body. That's a bad sign, like this is just another day of work for him. I'll at least give him some warning, so I don't jump on him. Hey, killer, what's up?
[HECU opens fire]
Freeman: Ah! Dammit, diplomacy sucks!
[Marine pursues and shoots him]
Freeman: Ow! [Gordon shoots and kills marine] Hey, man, what's your problem!?! Why are you shooting everyone!? I'm taking this gun away from you, mister! You're obviously not mature enough to handle it! Now you sit there and think about what you've done!
Freeman struggles with his 'conscience':
Freeman: So, yeah; I just killed a guy. Totally on purpose this time! I'll just keep on going and try not to think about that...
Freeman's already been shot at by one soldier, and is starting to have doubts...
Scientist: Don't shoot, I'm with the science team!
Freeman: Hey, me too! But you go on first just in case they're not cool with that.
[The scientist gets shot dead.]
Freeman: Yeah, see, I'm just getting some bad vibes here...
"I HAVE A DOCTOR'S DEGREE!" * BANG!* "You guys are dicks..."
Freeman's 'conscience' again:
Freeman: So yeah, I'm killing people now... but that was not murder! It was totally self-defense. Just because I had a submachine gun doesn't change anything; it just lets me defend more efficiently. I haven't murdered anyone — well, not today anyway...
Gordon meets another squad of HECU marines:
Freeman: Oh, no. So, are we gonna play nice, or—
[Gordon guns down the soldiers]
Freeman: Nope. Well, looks like my armor is better than yours! And I'll just loot your bodies, 'cause that's how I roll... and that puts me at six or seven counts of "self-defense."
In what is possibly one of the best quotes from anything ever, when shooting at the soliders outside... "Give peace a chance! Or at least stand still!"
Freeman decides he "should've been a Tour Guide.":
[Headcrab sneaks up on him]
Freeman: You can't follow me! You don't have any money! That's the whole point!
"I want some Cheetos."
"You can't get away with that kind of crap in physics. You have to have cold serious math to back up your theories. ...Well, except for the String Theory crowd. Those guys are a bunch of cultists. I think Steve and Richard sacrificed goats, that's why I was never allowed to come to their cook-outs."
Gordon discovers he's back with the same two blankly staring scientists from the last episode:
Gordon: "Those two have gotten more done just standing there than I have running across this whole facility leaving a trail of bodies!"
"What am I thinking? I can't die here; I'll get hungry..."
Gordon is crawling through pipes, rambling about how awesome it would be to have pneumatic pipes connecting his house to a liquor store. This being Gordon, he's going over all this in a fairly serious voice, and it's pretty funny. What makes it hilarious is when he pops out to jump into another pipe, says "I'm a gopher!" perkily, then continues his liquor store warp tube monologue as if nothing happened.
Freeman: Oh, someone thinks they're smarter than me... I don't need to dignify this.
[shotguns a zombie]
Freeman: "You don't even have a degree! Well, your host bodies have degrees around here, but you're just latching onto that! That's even worse than one of those online degrees! You're parasites in every way!"
Freeman breaks open the door; creates an artificial vacuum. All because he wanted to throw the dead zombies into the fan-blades.
"Stop persecuting me... all of you... jus'... stop..."
"I've got shit to DOOOO!" Just the way he says it cracks me up.
"This is getting to be a chore, y'know? 'Wash the dishes, do the laundry, shoot the Snot Thing, empty the trash..."
Freeman laments gravity:
Freeman: "Goddammit-Earth's-gravity-shouldn't-even-be-this-strong-for-a-planet-our-size. It's-only-this-way-because-there-are-so-many-metals-in-the-core-increasing-the-overall-density-and- oh fuck I'm gonna have to jump."
"Life sucks sober!"
"I mean it's not like I just came down the wrong corridor like I sometimes do. No, it's-" [activates spinning cart-thing] "WEEEEEEEEE!!" [cart stops] "It's worse than that."
Freeman has a close encounter with hypnotism:
Scientist: Excellent! Someone has restored all power. We'll have the engine up again in no time.
Freeman: Yeah, that room's dangerous, did you know that? It's a good thing I made it back OK. [stares at spinning dial] I was gonna... yeah, the... yes, master... no, stop! You can't kill me, so you're gonna try to control me, is that it? I'll never do your bidding! I've got a doctor's degree!
"Wait, how'm I gonna get out of here? ...I should've thought about this sooner..."
After being forced to leap yet another chasm:
Freeman: "Okay, I rock! NOW STOP MAKING ME PROVE IT!"
Freeman considers the tentacle monster as being a small part of a much larger creature:
Freeman: It's wearing me and this facility as a hat. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
"Hey, the lights are on!" (hits the Test Fire button, warning klaxon goes off) "Hey, it's doing something! Did somebody fix this? Wait...what did I just do?" (giant alien gets incinerated by the rocket jet firing) OH! YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT, GET OUT OF THE ROCKET PROPULSION TEST CHAMBER! HA HA HA HA! BURN! BURN! BURN!!! Physics rules!"
"Ugh. It smells like butt-rock in here."
Freeman tries to understand Causality:
Freeman: Where is everybody? They're not up there. The guard's gone. I think I remember some explosives here. Now there's just scorch marks... bloodstain... and this is after firing that rocket... huh.
Moving onward and... downward:
Freeman: Hey, that's a ladder! That means this is legit—this might go somewhere! I mean, it probably leads to a room filled with poison gas and a bunch of dead people that look just like me, but I don't know that, so there's room for hope, I guess.
On the subject of his previous monster theory:
Freeman: "I was afraid I was going to look down there and see this giant eyeball looking up at me, angry at me 'cause I blew off its eyelashes or something. Then the whole building starts shaking and I guess I'd just ball up and cry. 'Cause what do you do when something that big wants to kill you?"
Freeman reconsiders his plan to do a Long-drop cannonball into a pool of water. And decides it was awesome anyway.
"Seriously, for what I've been through today, the next room should contain, like, strippers and party balloons. Champagne. Something along those lines."
"Heeeyy! You dumb shits are FINALLY ATTACKING THE ALIENS!!! That's...that's a big one. You know what? I'm just gonna let you guys handle it; I have total faith in you. Go Army! Or Marines...or whatever you guys are."
Noticing a burning gas-leak:
Freeman: Wow, that looks hot. I want some marshmallows.
[Vortiguants teleport in]
Freeman: [Shooting the Vortiguants] What the hell are you looking at? I don't have any marshmallows and even if I did I wouldn't give any to you! They're MINE! Everything's MINE!
[Takes a few steps forward; catwalk collapses.]
Freeman: AHH! Well this facility's not mine. I thought I wanted it but now I don't.
"Man, if I get indicted once I leave here, this is getting harder and harder to explain. I don't think anyone's gonna buy a few dozen counts of self-defense with a submachine gun. I think there's kind of an unspoken rule in our society that if this many people are trying to kill you, you're supposed to be dead. I need to talk to an attorney. Maybe there's some sort of Rambo clause. But wait, Rambo goes to prison after the first movie. Fuck!"
Freeman working on the Generator:
Freeman: This is ridiculous. The soldiers should be the ones fixing the generator, not me. I'm doing their job, AGAIN. First I'm killing everyone for them, now I'm playing engineer.
[A Mawman surprises Gordon]
Freeman: You don't even have a job! You're a vagrant!
"Work, you antiquated piece of crap."
Freeman's shaky grasp of electrical theory:
Freeman: But if that hit me right now, the current would roll around in my body and exit through the top. My head would blow up like a baked potato wrapped in tin-foil. It would pop off like a Pez container! ...Actually, if it wasn't me, it would be cool to watch if you got that on film. Your hair might catch on fire and it might look like that scene from Scanners, except this would be the real thing! Then you could sell it as a snuff film and make bundles of money. I know buyers.
(Sees soldiers coming down the lift) "Oh give me a break!" (run back; distant explosions go off as the soldiers activated the trip mines) "Yeah, should have known better; I fixed the generator, maybe they now they need to come and break it. 'Uh oh, everything's working fine! Better call in the military!'" (Sees the suddenly soldier-less lift) "Wait, where did they go? I didn't imagine them! Hey, there are less lasers now... there's scorch marks... they're gone.... Holy shit, these were trip mines!"
I brushed with death so often, I should start giving him high fives when I pass.
After being shot at by the military for the eleventy billionth time, he decides to use the strategy of "wait around a corner, let them pass, then shoot" that worked for him so far. But then the soldiers catch on to him...
Freeman: I'm not gonna stand for it; I worked too hard to get where I am! I graduated from MIT!(gunfire)My diploma's worth more than your life! (gunfire) Screw this; I'm just gonna wait for them to come around the corner again. [A grenade then bounces in just in front of Gordon.] Freeman: (turning and running for his life)OH SHIT!(distant explosion) Okay, natural selection! The dumb ones are all dead, so the survivors are a little bit smarter!
Freeman grapples with his fading morality:
Freeman: Yeah, it's strange. I thought I might start feeling weird about killing all these people, but really I don't. I think it's because they're all pricks and deserve to die. I'll make a speech at their funerals if someone wants me to. I have no problem with going up to a grieving widow, and telling her I'm sorry for her loss, but her husband was a rat-fuck meathead who tried to kill me for no goddamn reason, because he was too stupid to learn what the word "civilian" means. If I hadn't put him down, he probably would have come home later and strangled you in your sleep. And not in the kinky way either... I know how you base wives are.
"Man, I can't fight that thing. It's got longer legs than me. Much long- (It sees him)no."
Being chased by a Gargantua:
Freeman: "Ok, that's close enough. [Starts shooting] Back, back, back, backbackbackbackAYIYIYIYII!" [Gargantua explodes, but not because of being shot] "YES! I MEANT TO DO THAT! Dumb lizard stomping around like he owns the place. That's why the dinosaurs went extinct: ME. The bigger they are, the funner they are to kill."
Freeman is growing rapidly more displeased with the level of effort he's being asked to invest:
Freeman: "You know, I'm an expert on electricity — on the atomic level, anyway — and this, to me, looks like the power's on. A bit more dramatic than what I was expecting, but still, on. I'm going back up to that train room and finding out what the Hell's going on here. That guard wasn't telling me the whole story. What he meant was "Hey, yeah! All you have to do is pump out all that bilge-water in the generator room, turn the power on to the generator, shoot everyone in sight, then come back around and turn on the DC generator, then go down to the storage room and roll a spool up here, then break out some pliers and electrical tape so you can lay down some HV cable, then just bust through a wall and wire up a new circuit, then do the same thing on the other end of the complex, and yeah, you'll have that train runnin' within the month!"
But then, he finds another bright side:
Freeman: Of course, the real tragedy is that I didn't bring a camera. If I had been taking pictures, I'd be ready the next time I had to sit through some family members' slideshow. I could whip it out and be like "Fuck you, your pictures suck! Look at mine: There's me blowing up some bipedal alien the size of a dump truck; Here's me shooting some troops because I'm hardcore, yeah, I think we're done here. You brought this on yourself"."
"Another exciting day in the life of a Forklift Operator!"
Freeman contemplates putting the wounded guard to good use:
Freeman: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this? You've gotta be fucking kidding. ...Boy, optimists are retards."
Freeman contemplates his current situation:
Freeman: This reminds me back in High school where we had a Driver's Ed class and the Gym teacher was asking us which was more dangerous; Crashing a motorcycle at 60mph into a haystack or crashing a motorcycle at 60mph into a concrete divider. He got mad and started yelling at the class when no one answered. [Stops, moves tram forward] Okay! Time to end my tram-operating career! [Jumps off tram as it moves to ram the blockade] If I were a conductor, this is how I'd want to retire: Just jump off and let the train speed away with everyone on board.
And, after discovering the 'concrete' was actually gray styrofoam:
Freeman: Hey, what the hell?! That should've stopped a dump-truck! Man I don't understand anything today... maybe they were just made out of styrofoam and painted to look like concrete. Maybe someone was trying to psyche me out and prevent me from coming down here..."
Driving the tram through a water-logged room.
Freeman: Let's not let the blood-mobile stop here. Man, I wish I could just duck my head into my suit like a turtle. Then I could ride around covered in blood with no head and then they'd have to make stories about me.
"Oh that's great; I'm playing Jenga with my life..."
"Bomb shelter parties are the best parties, because the bomb shelter parties don't stop... until everyone's dead."
To a door:
Freeman: "QUIT. BEING. METAL!!!!" [after fadeout] "If I was a wizard this wouldn't be happening."
Yet another sanity slip:
Freeman: "I bet we have gnomes down there mining precious metals and gems. I want a gnome[...]I'd put my gnome in a cage and feed him granola. I think they'd eat that. Ah, who am I kidding, if the aliens got down there, they'd have eaten them all by now anyway. Gnomes are small. Wait, are gnomes even real?"
Okay, I see an alien and a dead body. I can put one and one together. [Shoots at the bullsquid] Actually, that's one and negative one. [Shoots again, killing it] Now it's negative two, and me. But wait, wouldn't I be number one? I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. See, this is why you have to define your terms. If you don't, people die.
Freeman: There might be something here. Beside death, I mean. I doubt there will be. I'm sure I'll go up the stairs and find nothing but a stack of dead bodies with a smiley-face sticker attached- (He is jumped by a headcrab out of nowhere) FFJJD!! THAT WAS SNEAKY! WHERE'D YOU GO?... Well, let that be a lesson to you. How do those bastards know to jump toward the only vulnerable part of my body? If I was quick enough, I might be able to headbutt them..."
Episode 27 in its entirety — Freeman celebrates 'Talk Like A Pirate Day'.
"Ya blunderin' squid! What good are ya?!"
"Arr, what have we here? An anti-scurvy machine..."
"Fire the cannons! (Launches grenade, kills guards) (Laughing) AR!AR!AR!AR! (Fires his gun randomly to celebrate)."
"This sounds like a job for Ambassador Pineapple." [pulls out grenade] "You'll be representing me on the floor. Now go out there and work your magic!" [throws grenade, destroying the gun turret] "Oh! Sounds like we came to a resolution!"
"Hi, I'm selling these fine used bullets. Free samples!"
"What the hell? Did it just shut the door on me? [...] Ah, the missus of the house! Try some of our product!"
Freeman is riding the tram and rambling about how a security guard is telling half-truths. He turns a corner, and a marine shoots a rocket launcher at him, leading to this gem:
Freeman: "It makes more sense to follow the advice of a half-liar, versus making completely random decisions like I have been." [sees smoke from rocket being fired] "What is that?" [rocket streaks past him] "JESUS CHRIST!!" [jumps off tram] "Next stop, right here! You can have the tram! Fuck!"
After killing Rocky the Rocket Ranger:
Freeman: Okay, so how do -I- operate this thing? I wanna blow stuff up too!
"Follow my advice and you'll die just like me! *ha-hyuck!*"
"Is my education on electromagnetism wrong, or is the WORLD wrong...?"
Upon spotting more Claymore mines:
Freeman: I guess I could jump these, but if I scuff it, then it's going to hurt more than a little bit. I'll play it safe and just crawl under. [Does so] Besides, I really can't recall any safety advice that says to run and jump around explosives. That would be dope if they had something like this for hurdles at the Olympics though. If a runner screwed up he would just explode. I bet the adrenaline would increase performance..."
After Freeman gets ambushed:
Freeman: "What the fuck!? Did they just pop out of a box? Why were they in a box!? That's Looney Tunes crap! Jesus! Well, they caught me off guard, I'll give them that. I wonder if that was their idea or it was approved by the chain of command. Yeah I could imagine a cigar smoking general ordering that." [In the voice of a gruff military stereotype] "Yes, put two soldiers in a box! When the enemy approaches, they just jump out. It's brilliant!"
"That security guy said this track would take me to the surface. Okay, now what was the long way to the surface?"
Freeman approaches a blast door:
Freeman: Hey, a keypad! ...I don't know the code. I'll try some random numbers. [beeping] No? Okay, 1-3-3-7. [beeping] No... 1-2-3-4. [door opens] Ah-ha-ha! You know, as much as I'd like to claim this was the result of me being a genius, it's more that someone else was not.
Freeman watches an enemy soldier throw a grenade at his own buddies.
Freeman: I don't think he was even aiming for me. I was just the excuse! I mean what is this? The Three Stooges Join the Corps?
"These guys sound pretty chill considering there were gunshots and an explosion outside not two minutes earlier. I guess it doesn't occur to them to investigate that... Now we return to Ethical Dilemma Theater."
"Self-defense isn't cutting it if I don't get to shoot first!"
"Jesus Christ, I launched a missile. I'm not helping ANYTHING... AUGH MY EYES! GAZE UPON THE FIERY DOOM OF THIS EARTH! So, guess I just started World War 3. This has been a busy day, but in the end there's only one thing that matters: I did not leave any fingerprints. I was wearing my suit."
"Oh! And what's this? Could this be a ridged pipe? That leads straight up the rock face? I think it is!" (On reaching the top) "...ah... that's right, I'm in New Mexico, aren't I? The middle of the desert. The middle of the desert Now that I think about it, the flight out here might have been longer than I remember. So, if I were to just pack it on foot, how far could I go? If I had food and water — which I DON'T — I could go twenty, maybe thirty miles in a day, assuming the sun didn't beat me down... which it would. I really should have thought about this sooner. OK, so maybe walking out is NOT the way to go here."
Freeman meets a sniper.
Freeman acquires a Claymore.
"I just thought of a paradox: maybe the more people I kill, the less likely it is that they'll blame it all on me! I mean, one guy killing five or ten people? Sure. But can they really pin dozens, and dozens, of armed military personnel on me?"
"Anyway, my background doesn't fit the profile: No military training, never fired a gun, acquitted for petty theft, not a member of any extremist organizations, has a PhD in theoretical physics. Yeah, that sounds like our man!"
"Who're some other spree killers? Timothy McVeigh; he had military training... Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a spree killer, but he received about as much government attention as I'm getting right now. He had military training... and was an extremist."
"Witnessing a zombie eating a soldiers dead body:
Freeman: Ew, that's gross... Hey! get a room you two! [shoots the zombie repeatedly] This is a family missile silo. [approaches the soldiers body] I have nothing more to say to you."
Back to his earlier train of thought:
Freeman: "Who else...Charles Whitman, military training. [...] Alvin York killed dozens of people, and he was a hero! He didn't even want to, he was like me... am I a hero? Eh, I don't know... I don't think it's heroic if the only person you're saving is yourself."
His musings about how, in grad school, he could get shitfaced one day, hook up an IV with a saline solution, and go to class the next day with little more than a good buzz...all because he had a med student as a roommate who gave him that tip.
"You want to eat me? No, I'm not here to give you a free meal, you think I work at Seaworld?"
Contemplating who shot a random guard he was talking to:
Freeman: "Maybe the problem just went away... Maybe I just willed it out of existence... Maybe it was the magical sniper fairy that comes and gives silenced hollow point rounds to people who don't eat their vegetables."
"Fucking ninjas man..."
"I was not ready for ninjas. Who is ready for ninjas? No one— they're ninjas."
"Maybe I was in the biology lab trying to hit on Heather again, then she just lost it and knocked me unconscious, then tried to dump my body because, let's face it, she can be pretty stone cold. Well it didn't work, Heather! Now I have a gun! You can't stop the Freeman! [runs into a locked door] Well okay, I guess doors can stop the Freeman..."
"I expect a certain level of safety and comfort when I break into a place..."
During his first conveyor belt ride of episode 37:
Freeman: "But why are there no doors here? Did I actually enter this room in the correct manner? Maybe the room itself is alive. Uhm… [reaches end of belt and is dropped into water far below] OH MY GOD I'M GONNA D-"
"Augh... this is a pretty shitty water park! I'm never coming here again!"
THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY! I HAVE A GUN SO I'M IN CHARGE! Many governments around the world function on this principle. And some of them last for months!"
"Satchel Charges! These are how you make your own exits!"
Freeman is nearly hypnotized again.
Freeman seems to finally be coming off the rails for good:
Freeman: Oh what, this one's just full of tricks! It's tapping out fucking Morse on the conveyor belt! Crushers, conveyors, walking backwards... GIMME SOME MORE PRESSURE I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH! YES! BIOHAZARD! PERFECT! THANK YOU! AAAH! FALLING TO MY DEATH! TANK OF ACID! SUPERB!"
"OH GOD I'M OUT OF AMMO; WHOSE JOB IS IT TO RELOAD?! THEY'RE FIRED! WHAT? THERE'S NO AMMO LEFT!? YOU'RE FIRED TOO!"
Freeman accidentally letting out the Grunt in the biolab.
In a black humor sense, Freeman casually shooting a guard after he remembers that the military is trying to kill himnote and sadly not remembering that guards are safe before deciding that's he's simply going to kill everyone around him.
He does rationalise it that only 30 seconds before, he'd shot a military goon who'd appeared from that very corridor, meaning he must have passed the guard on the way. Since the guard wasn't killed, Freeman believes the two must have been working together.
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, everyone dies!"
When he is confronted by some Houndeyes, the following dialogue takes place:
"Okay, I'm your dance instructor-no, you're starting too early! Stop that! I SAID STOP THAT! One two three LEFT! One two three LEFT! No, your rhythm's all wrong! Ugh... I give up. I can't teach this class. Some people just don't want to learn, you know?"
Saying "Over here, you forgot your bullets. Take some of mine!" as he strolls up and shoots down a group of marines. Ending with a cheery "You're welcome!" when he kills the last one.
"Tag! You're it! Not you, the other guy! YOU'RE IT! YOU'RE IT! YOU'RE IT!"
One word: hiccups.
Gordon: Don't come near me...don't come near me...no, no... I HAVE A PERSONAL SPACE, GODDAMMIT! PERSONAL SPACE!-hic-
Freeman finds three scientists hiding in a room behind a "giant cheese slicer" chamber and actually decides that he needs them alive. But one of them doesn't exactly "click" with Gordon.
Freeman: Okay, let's do the "get outside" thing. You come with me. Scientist: With my brains and your brawn, we'll make an excellent team. Freeman: OH, so you think you're the brains of this operation, huh? Scientist: I'll wait. Freeman: Goddamn right you will.
And later, after he turns the cheese slicer off:
Freeman: ...Okay, I guess you too. Scientist: I certainly hope that you know what you're doing. Freeman: That's it, I've had enough lip from you. You stay! Scientist: I'm slowing you down, am I? Freeman: No, you're pissing me off is what you're doing!
Upon finding turrets at the entrance to the lobby outside:
Freeman: It looks like an anemometer, but it is not. Anemometers don't fire bullets. Not even the expensive ones. Or I don't think they do. If they do, meteorologists are more hardcore than I thought. Huh, I don't know, maybe. They chase tornadoes and crap. Maybe this is what happens when they get better funding.
"But yeah, I can see meteorologists taking things up a notch. Like they normally release weather balloons and just count on people to be nice and mail them back when they land. Instead they can deploy motion sensor turret guns on landing, send out a locator signal, and shoot anyone that got too close. They'd get their data then!"
"They must be listening to the radio. I'm gonna change the station." [detonates satchel charge]
"I'm in a dam(n) canyon, I'm stuck on this dam(n) tower... what's in this dam(n) room, anyway? It's a dam(n) button. *presses button* Sounds like that did some dam(n) thing.
"They can blow up the damn dam for all I care! (briefly wanders out of cover and narrowly avoids getting blown up) Dammit! Pretty sure this is unconstitutional, even cops aren't allowed to mortar people. I mean what happened? Was there an emergency session of congress to vote on bombing me!?".
"Okay, suppressive fire in, suppressive fire out, do the hokey pokey and that's what it's all about!"
"I'd say I need a surface-to-air missile, but no one should need a surface-to-air missile. That should be firmly under 'wants and desires'."
Gordon Freeman trying to convince the other soldiers to attack the helicopter.
"DO I LOOK LIKE A HELICOPTER? NO! I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A HELICOPTER! If I did my life would be less complicated in some ways and more complicated in others."
"Hey I was right! It's something horrible!"
Freeman theorizes that the entire reason this is happening is because he's supposed to die all along.
"I mean sharks, mortar shells, attack helicopters, drowning. Some force wants me dead. Maybe that's why all of this is happening. I was supposed to die yesterday in the test chamber, but I didn't because I'm hardcore. So now reality is slowly unraveling. That makes me the most important person in the universe. I still don't like getting SHOT AT, though!"
"So if I die, will reality slowly correct itself? Or will the world just end? It might as well BE the end of the world if I'm dead!"
"LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M ON MY SMOKE BREAK!" * Gordon doesn't smoke.
"See, this is why unions were formed: so that when you get lucky breaks like this, management doesn't make three seconds the new standard for opening a welded gate."
The serene tone Gordon's voice gains following his discovery of the rocket launcher. One can just tell how happy he is.
Freeman: Is that... Oh, my God, it's a rocket launcher. The perfect gift for the man who has everything. Oooooh, you and I are gonna go places. My mind is spinning with new possibilities. You are the first good news I have had all day. *picks up ammo* Yes, I'll bring your friends.
Followed immediately by this brief bit of (increased) insanity when Gordon starts talking like someone from a Shakespear play while fighting the Apache:
Freeman: Hark! Dost thou hear with thine ears what I hear with mine? Interloper! No quarter shall be shown hither, fiend! Anon! Show thyself, churl! Have at thee! *fires, misses, gets shot at* Fie upon thee! What-ho, the laser on mine rocket launcher be not a mere target, but a guidance system! Where art thou? Come hither, that I may smite thee! *shoots the Apache down* Thou shalt not be missed.
"Oh, wait, what's that sound? Do you hear that? I think that's silence! That's the sound people make when everyone trying to kill me is dead! And I have a rocket launcher! I have a rocket launcher with a laser guidance system!And I am walking on a really, really, narrow cliff face."
Gordon's reaction to the Rope Bridge, and his panic when he tries to cross it and it starts falling apart.
Near the end of the episode, Gordon gets ambushed by a Headcrab, which misses him and jumps off the cliff:
Gordon: "Yes! Toro, motherfucker!"
After Gordon thinks one of the HECU Marines insulted him. "It doesn't matter, I've got the best comeback of all. A SPAS-12."
As Gordon inches along a narrow cliff-face, he muses to himself that he'll have to be careful not to freak out if a spider jumps on him. Really makes you wonder if he would do just that if it really happened.
And skip around a war zone like a sub-atomic particle.
Gordon fighting a tank while speaking like a Valley Girl.
When he attacks the first tank:
Gordon: Delivery for Mr. Abrams! *fires a grenade at the tank, doing nothing* Oh, come on. I know someone's home. *fires a second grenade, destroying the turret* No, I don't need a signature.
"WHERE'S MY CHORUS?!"
Freeman tries to signal a plane... by shooting at it.
As Gordon tries to move around a building, rubble starts falling. He wonders if there's a squirrel on the roof wanting payback, a Brick Joke from all the way back in Episode 1 about a squirrel who got caught on a power line at MIT.
The sniper from Episode 31 is back! At least, Gordon thinks it might be the same sniper.
"There's people who give you the evil eye, and then there's snipers. Big difference."
"Yeah, that's kind of where my life is right now, where I know my best option isn't going to work."
Gordon starts thinking about how much more productive humans would be if they had 6 fingers on each hand instead of 5. And at the end of the video he asks the scientist how many fingers he has on his hands.
"(shooting demomns) I'M GOING TO TAKE A SHIT ON YOUR HEAD, THEN I'LL TAKE A SHIT ON THAT SHIT, THEN YOU'LL BE COVERED IN SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!"
"(unleashing a chaingun on the zombies) I'M GONNA SHOVE THESE BULLETS UP YOUR ASS, THEN RIP THEM OUT OF YOUR GUTS SO I CAN SHOVE 'EM UP THERE AGAIN!"
Another theory as to what that scary thing behind the door was - clowns?
"Why are there so many lasers here? I feel like I'm trying to steal a diamond... wait, are there diamonds here?? That would turn my day right around."
"Yeah, wow, look. They just slapped the mines on everything in sight. A loose crate? Add a mine. Some metal railing? Add a mine. A mop handle? Add a mine. This room confirms every single thing I've suspected about the soldiers. This is their grand strategy at work right here: just slap easily-triggered mines on everything in a room that could wipe out half the facility if there was a chain reaction. Oh, and leave some aliens hopping around in it higgledy-piggledy, too. Yeah, there are NO surprises here. Just blow up everything in sight. Don't worry about how we do missile research here."
Gordon checks a security guard's corpse... for money.
Gordon finds a lift with holes, and believes it's an unfinished spike platform for killing cattle.
"Are they actually going to kill a cow with that? That's crazy! It would hit its legs first and could easily miss its brain. It would just make horrible noises and be in as much pain as possible. Okay, so I guess that's why we made it. Solved that one."
Freeman's reaction to a security guard being pursued by soldiers.
Guard: HEEEEEEY! AAAAAAAAGH! Freeman: WAAAAAAGH! *turns, sees soldier* Freeman:OH!
Freeman's attempt to hijack a military truck, and then ranting about how he never learned to hotwire.
"MILITARY CAR ALARM!"
Freeman is pinned down: "Now I know what time it is: it is clearly rocket launcher time. However...[takes a peek around the corner and quickly ducks back, narrowly avoiding a shot] Mr. Dead-To-Rights The Tank Operator doesn't seem to operate in my time zone. His clock says it's time to turn me into red paste."
Freeman begins to regret killing the security guard from the previous episode, noting that his tendency to run in front of gunfire could come in handy when dealing with a tank.
"Teamwork: the ultimate sacrifice."
What's left of Freeman's sanity evaporates once he can't get past a broken door.
"Why is this door not moving!? It's blown off the hinges! I can see inside for God's — it's not locked! This is cheating! Tell reality to stop cheating! Reality, how could you?
Freeman's reaction to yet another sniper. It has to be seen to be believed.
"Okay, I'm gonna let you live because I need you for an experiment to ascertain whether tank shells prefer blue or orange colors."
"Okay, this must be the sniper residence. I received a bullet delivery from you by mistake, so I'm returning it, plus a little something extra for your trouble." *grenade explodes* "Okay, I'll mark down that you received the shipment."
Freeman's insane plan to splash fake blood on the hood of a police-painted Crown Victoria and use it to lure people into being attacked by a chimpanzee trained in hardcore karate.
Freeman playing the role of air-traffic controller.
*tries to open a locked door* "Well... I didn't want to go in there anyways!"
At the end of the episode, Freeman narrowly avoids being turned into meaty chunks for the billionth time after a soldier throws a satchel charge in the pipe Freeman was climbing in. After this, he goes to open the other end of the pipe... only to find out that the soldier locked it. Freeman, ever the optimist, tries to find the bright side.
Freeman's reaction to the Alien Grunts shooting at him. Or rather, WHAT they're shooting at him.
Gordon: (genuinely confused) Fu- fucking... bees? That's all this is!?
Gordon's LMG-fueled slaughter of vortigaunts come off as extra funny because his speech and the gun he's shooting makes it sound an awful lot like machinegun fueled Fake Static.
*gunfire* "Did you say something?!" *gunfire* "You need to speak up!" *gunfire* "What?!" *gunfire* "I can't hear you!" *gunfire* "You want me to shoot you? Sure, I can do that!" *gunfire "Is that enough?" *gunfire* "Okay, I'll keep it coming!" *gunfire* "How about now, is that good?!" *gunfire*
Gordon's first experience with an alien launchpad.
Gordon playing with the airstrike map. And wishing he had one that displayed the whole world.
"See, chess doesn't prepare you for this. You can't say that a rook and three pawns flanked your knight, but he laid down suppressing fire and punched through them anyway. You get disqualified if you try that! Maybe I've been disqualified from reality."
"NO! I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER! STOP IMPRINTING!"
"NO! I DON'T WANT YOU!"
"I wouldn't make a very good babysitter. I mean, my first impulse towards seeing a bunch of kids running around is to throw things at them."
"Yay! I win the nightmare pinata!"
"These things shouldn't be out in the wild! We need to round them up for ring fights like any civilized society would! You start on small animals, move up to big, then steadily increase the odds for bet payouts!"
Gordon deconstructs the One-Man Army trope. It's the sort of thing that sounds cool, but in reality it's just really annoying because you have do everything yourself.
Freeman noticing that the Alien Grunts don't wear armor on their torsos, and concluding that they must actually be alien strippers.
The other Mind series.
We cannot forget about the other Minds:
Marry had a little lamb,/ her father shot it dead./ Now it goes to school with her/ between two chunks of bread!
Red Bull — It gives you cancer!
Also her losing battle with her subconscious:
Chell: I'm not crazy.
Chell's mind: Yeesss yoouuu aaaarrreee...
Chell's rant after the Aperture Science Emancipation Grid actually emancipates her tooth.
Chell: Vy toof! Vy toof!
Following the Emancipation Grill incident: "I hate this place, with its big retarded cubes that don't even have food in them, and that computer's compulsive lying, and all the creepy stains on the floor, and the Scaffold of Death, but most of all, most of all, I hate this stupid rickety elevator, and its infuriating Emancipation Grid! A plague on both your houses! And your summer homes! And your shower curtains!
Taking a page out of Ross' book, Krismin made an episode 0 with the tutorial. At one point he starts singing the Smurf's theme but with replacing every sound with the word "guns". Then there's his reaction to have to go through the manatory "getting shot with a shotgun" test.
Jackson's lack of focus and Shephard's terrible leadership skills.
Shephard: *stabs head crab* Attack the weak point for massive damage.
I could've been at a barbarque! *kicks dead alien*
The Running Gag, "Electrified Toxic Waste," starts here.
Shephard: "High voltage"? *throws head up* I guess this is where they make the ELECTIFIED toxic waste! It's more dangerous than the sum of it's parts!
I'm the Nostradamus of FUCKING up!
Otis: Fighting aliens is not on my job description. Shephard: Yeah, but it probably looks great on your resumé.
Shephard finds a phone and tries to call for help. It doesn't go well.
Shephard: Yes, thank you, please put me on with your supervisor- NO DON'T PUT ME ON HOLD! [slams phone] RRRGH JUST DIE! [fires pistol] Shephard: [calmly, to the scientist, who awkwardly looks up at the ceiling] The phone's dead. *Hard Cut to intro*
"I'm going to shove [The G-Man's] briefcase so far up his ass he'll have to open his mouth to scan his ID!"
(Sees Freeman's Employee of the Month photo) "Yeah, yeah, how's that working out for ya now? I bet that guy's wishing he'd taken the opening of a high school science teacher right about now."
Shephard gets choked by an Barnacle then claims he shoot the next one he sees right off the bat just AS HE WALKS INTO ANOTHER ONE.
Electrified toxic waste.
Shephard: Oh for Christ's sake- You know, I just wonder what the going rate is for a barrel of electrified toxic waste. It's obviously pretty high. Maybe they're using it as some kind of alternate energy source.
The friendly fire incident.
Shephard: Damn it, it's another turret. *takes a shot towards the gun forgetting the engineer in there. soldier explodes* Beat OH SHIT, I think I hit that guy's gas tank! Is he okay- *glances in and sees gibs and blood* Oh my God, not again... Medic: Recon team: check in! Shephard: Check in? *looks in the door* ... Uh, I don't think he can hear you, dude. Medic: Man, my dogs are BARKING!
Scientist: (over the intercom) It's ready, you must hurry! Shephard: Who's there?! Come out where I can see you! I have a half-melted chocolate bar and I'm not afraid to eat it! ... Cause- cause it'd be good... Scientist: (over the intercom) Hurry up Freeman! I can't keep it open forever. Shephard: Did he just say Freeman?! OHHH, it is my lucky day, I'm going to kick this guy's ass so fucking hard! HEY, GET BACK HERE YOU BIG ORANGE FUCK! *Freeman jumps into the portal*
(hanging on to a ladder) "What's that ladder? You want me to take my clothes off?"
Just before Gordon's Oxycontin fully kicks in.
"This is the best ladder ever!!"
(Notices 4 dead marines right next to some aliens) "Come on, get up Williams! Hey! Damn it. Jones! Maxwell! (notices the fourth body) Err, ummm, Well... I don't remember your name. But you're dead too, that sucks!"
Shephard thinks that all the skeletons in the room he is in are talking to him:
Soldier: [off screen] I got a bad feeling about this mission... Shephard: [thinking it's the skeleton] AHHH! What the hell? Oh my God! I'm being haunted by the ghosts of the marines that died because of me! Same Soldier: I was told to guard this area. Shepahrd: [still talking to the skeleton] I know... you were just following orders. It wasn't your fault, soldier. [sits down next to the skeleton and starts crying]
And now from the season finale, a moment that is actually more of a crowning moment of awesome till the end...
Shephard: "All right. I was never a good marine. I couldn't protect the people under my command. I never caught Freeman. I couldn't go fifteen meters without running into some insurmountable delay. I didn't earn my advanced training or even my rank as Corporal. Some guys just dropped it on me! I'm not even fighting for a cause, I just don't want to die. All the good things I did today were just because I was backed into a corner and could only keep charging forward." [music starts up] Shephard: "If I die today, nobody's gonna remember. Adrian Shepherd might as well never have existed. And you know what? I refuse to believe that this overconvoluted clusterfuck of a disaster happened just so I could get eaten by a giant squid in a dusty ventilation shaft! So screw it. I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna fight, and I'm gonna fucking win! Come and get me yo-" [Music cuts off, Shepherd runs back into hiding.] Shephard: "Ow! Leg cramp, leg cramp, ow! Jeez! Ow, damn! Man! I really need to remember to limber up before this kind of crap. Anyway, have at you!"
"Can I go home now? -This isn't my house." It's the delivery that sells it.
"S-s-sorry, I got a (hhhhh) s-space leach in my th-th-throat."
This gem from the finale: "Why is everything collapsing? What the fuck!? Was it a load bearing squid?"
From Episode 10: "There's no way anyone could defeat this robot. I know one man who could: Chuck Norris. He could!"
From Episode 14-2, how about that cutscene:
Parker: Why does the music stop whenever I start talking?
Eos: We need that antidote Parker! If you're not gonna help, shut up!
From Episode 5, after Barney encounters a dead security officer.
Barney: (ducks beside the body) "I think I'd better check for a pulse." (stands) "Nope, no pulse." (ducks) "Maybe definitely..." (stands) "Nope, no wallet either."
Barney's inability to follow the taxi ways and the roads on the airport.