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Episode 0 (Hazard Course)
- "So, I'm the one who gets to go through training... Ass. Slap-age."
- "Hmm, bar-cage window... *tries door, locked* Ah, this must be the gimp closet, for after hours. I don't think I'm gonna come back here. Too many weirdos."
- "The only reason I'm here is because everyone else on the team is too damned frail to do any physical activity whatsoever. So, because I can lift a box, I'm automatically the lab gofer."
- Gordon mocks the poor scripting of the hologram, which instructs him to press a button that will reset the lesson before actually explaining what pressing it will do.
- Gordon sees an entire panel watching him an assumes they'll start holding up scorecards.
Freeman: I expect 10s. I better see 10s.
- More 'basic' training:
Holographic Assistant: Walk directly into the ladder, look up, and continue moving forward. If you want to come back down, just move backward.
Freeman: 'To wipe your ass, first orient your hand behind yourself, then move it forward... or backward.' Honestly, who doesn't know how to use a ladder? I mean, it's a LADDER! Somehow, I don't think this program is designed for the gifted."
- "I still want a hologram, though. How cool would it be to set one up in the lab, so that when one of the scientists walks in, sits down, starts working, I have a hologram of a homeless guy run up and try and stab them with a knife. People would be spilling their coffee, that's for sure. I could hide some speakers to make an audio clip sync up with the hologram. Then they would hear the bum's footsteps and him going 'Nyeeeeeaaaaagh!' People would crap their pants, man! I'd need a hidden camera, too."
- The conclusion of 'Jump Training':
Hologuide: Now that you're up here, there's only one way down.
Freeman: (Looking around) Where?
Hologuide: Find the target on the floor below, and do your best to hit it.
Hologuide: If you take any damage from the fall, we will administer medical care at the next station.
Freeman: Is this a joke? They want me to jump from this height onto flat concrete?! There must be a typo with the instructions or something that no one corrected. I could climb down, but they want me to hit that target. I'm not doing that, that's retarded! So... I guess I failed the "lemming" portion of the test, but hopefully that's not required to pass the whole course. Well, training's over! I think I'll get out of here and go take my lunch break. (pause) I'll just tell everyone I passed training. Nobody's going to check this.
- First 30 seconds of the series, as his tram passes by a security guard (Barney Calhoun) banging on a locked door:
Freeman: Ah, I'm not the only one who's late. SUCKEEEEEEER!
- This was even referenced in Ian Riley's ''Barney's Mind.''
- Freeman's priceless safety "revelation:"
Black Mesa P.A.: In the event of an emergency... please stay away from electrified rails, and proceed to an emergency station until assistance arrives.
Freeman: Man, how dumb would you have to be? I mean, they're not going to say something like that unless somebody's already tried to do it, right? I guess if I was drunk enough I might climb out the window here and pull some hang-time on the electrified tram rail. That kind of reminds me of the squirrel that got caught between the power lines one day back at M.I.T. The thing caught on fire and got fused to the wires, which caused a transformer to blow out and knock out power to all of campus. That squirrel must have cost the university at least ten thousand dollars. It was a good day.
- "Man, are they still talking about hiring? I guess my cousin Jesse needs a job... If only he wasn't a sex offender, it'd be so much easier to find something for him."
- Jesse returns in a later episode. Freeman mentions that he enjoys shocking himself with a cattle prod. It's the nonchalant tone he uses that sells it.
- [Sees a cargo robot ahead of the tram] "Woah... WE'RE GONNA CRASH! ...Oh good, it stopped."
- [seeing a radioactive spill] "Hey, what's that green crap? What is this?! Jesus Christ, look at this place! This is a disaster! That's gotta be toxic. God, the E.P.A. is gonna tear us apart if they find out about that! Well, I'm not saying anything. I don't want to get called in as a witness in court when the cat gets out of the bag."
- "Yeah, ya know what? I don't even care any more. By the time I get suited up I'm gonna be over an hour late. I figure I'm either fired, or I'm not."
- [Stops outside an office] "Wait a minute... Did I see what I think I did? [enters lab, looks at whiteboard] Yep, I sure did. Newton's formula for gravitational force. Having trouble remembering that one, guys? What is this, are we back in high school now? My department's working on quantum displacement. Just what the hell are you guys doing? Jerking around in lab coats from the looks of things! [leaves] I just can't believe it. Those monkeys are having trouble learning about gravity. Whereas I can recite the quantum chromodynamic gauge invariant lagrangian in my sleep! There is no justice... am I hearing things?"
- [walking into the "computer lab" for the first time] "TURN DOWN THE MUSIC, YOU FRIGGIN' BASS-HEADS! IT SOUNDS LIKE A STRIP CLUB IN HERE! GOD DAMN! LET'S GET SOME DANCING GIRLS IN CAGES, WHY DON'T YOU?! GOOD LORD!" [walks out] "Man! Programmers...who knows what they're doing in there! They're gonna go deaf by the end of the year at that rate. Next time I have to go in there, I'll bring some ear protection!"
- After failing to steal a bowl of noodles from the break room microwave:
Freeman: Oh well, guess I'll have to grab something else for breakfast... like some oxycodooooone!
- "Man, my voice falls on deaf ears... I wonder if Feynman felt the same way? [opens locker] What the hell...? Whose stuff is this? There my name, but... A bowling certificate? Baby pictures? A blue poncho? Where's all my stuff?! WHERE'S MY STASH!? This is freaking me out..."
- The H.E.V. Notification System:
Freeman: [donning his HEV suit] Oh, come on! Now somebody's taken my helmet! [Beat] Ah, screw it... I probably won't need it anyway.
Hazard Suit: Welcome to the H.E.V. Mark IV protective system—
Freeman: Oh no, there's that voice.
Hazard Suit: —for use in hazardous environment conditions.
Hazard Suit: High-impact reactive armor: activated. Atmospheric contaminant sensors: activated.
Hazard Suit: Vital sign monitoring: activated. Automatic medical systems engaged.
Freeman: Man, this suit does not shut up.
Hazard Suit: Munition level monitoring: activated. Communications interface: online.
Freeman: OK, this thing's ridiculous. Where's the "off" button? [mutes suit] There we go... huh. Didn't it say "munitions level monitoring?" What does that mean? Does the left hand turn into a chaingun? I wish.
- "I always wanted to be an Evil Scientist... [Maniacal Laughter] Okay, I better chill out; I don't want a repeat of Monday."
- Walking past a laser tube: "LASER! ...Caution ...LASER! ...Caution ...LASER! ...Caution ...LASER! ... What could it mean?"
- "Oh yeah, that's busted alri-" [BLAM] "Woah! Damn Cyrix processors; you go with the lowest bidder, and look what happens."
- "Does my beard intimidate you?"
- When two scientists use Retinal Scanners to open the Test Chamber for Dr. Freeman:
Freeman: Ahh, stop that noise! I hate that! It reminds me of that dream I have where I'm strapped to a gurney watching Fraggle Rock with flashing lights on either side of me, then I realize: I'm in Hell! It's all crap anyway. The only reason they we have those scanners is because they caught me playing racquet ball in here once.
- "Roger, Roger, what's your vector, Victor?"
- "I like climbing things. It appeals to my simian instincts. And also, makes me regret how I have no tail. Damn my genes; I have no tail, and I must swing..."
- Times like this, I remember why I became a physicist: to show anti-matter particles WHO'S BOSS! YEAH!!
- Man, I hope we get some good readings today; depending on what we find, we might just disprove string theory. That would make my day... and I wouldn't be gracious about it, either; I'd rub people's faces in it!
- This is a bad experiment! We are bad people! Why did we usher forth the green apocalypse?!
What happened? What is this? Am I dead? I don't feel dead... but how would I know?! ...If this is what it's like to be dead, then being dead sucks![Just as the video is fading out and the studio logo is shown] "Oh my God, this is crazy-in-a-box with a side order of fries..."
- [Gordon is back in the Test Chamber] "No...no, no, no, no, n— Huh, what? Hehe...hahaha! I'm not in Crazy Land anymore! Man that was weirder than when I stayed up for three days straight and thought my house was being invaded by Frog People!"
- "I am Captain Gordon Freeman of the Intergalactic House of Pancakes, ordering you to open!" [door opens] Yes! [door closes] No! [door malfunctions] Shit. Uhh... don'tkillme!"
- "I am on a roll! Murphy's Law can suck it!"
- "You can just smell the money burning in this place..."
- "I hate computers! Why do they always blow up when I use them?"
- Right after the resonance cascade and Freeman sees all the death and destruction caused by it, he walks up to Eli and another scientist:
Freeman: He-hey! Boy, we really fucked up this time, huh?
- [Facing down a headcrab unarmed] "Okay, I can do this. I am the matador. I fearlessly—" [headcrab jumps] "AHGODJESUSSHITFUCKPISS! Those things BITE! DAMMIT! I'm starting to feel pretty naked here without a weapon. I've been meaning to take Kung Fu lessons for years now because I knew there'd be a day like today and I would be ready. But I kept putting it off, and here I am totally unprepared and not knowing Kung Fu! Procrastination has failed me, yet again."
- "Today, all my limbo practice pays off!"
- "Hey, is it getting warmer? [turns around to see the laser he just limboed under inching towards him] YAAAH!! WOW!! I almost got a free haircut and lobotomy, damn!"
- "Hey, I can't limbo this! It goes though the floor! That's cheating! Look at this thing! It's an Etch A Sketch from HELL!"
- [Reading a warning sign] "'Do not use Elevators.'" [Pushes the elevator button; drops the elevator car with two scientists aboard] Oh shit, they weren't kidding! Aww jeez, what do I do; the door won't open! RRRGH! [smashes the glass door] Oh, what should I do? I guess, uh... SORRY! DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL YOU! Oh man, I hope they at least were jerks..."
- "Follow the dead body road! Follow the dead body road! Follow, follow, foll— damn! Look at all that blood!"
- Followed by Gordon contemplating how much money he could make selling the blood, organs and/or cadavers.
- "Oh, good. more blood! I was starting to get worried! God, what happened? This guy looks like he got hit by a steamroller!"
- Followed by Gordon contemplating how much money he could make selling the blood, organs and/or cadavers.
- Immediately after his organ/blood/cadaver-selling musing:
Freeman: (turns corner and sees zombies) "Oh no, it's the ghosts of those two guys coming back to haunt me! Oh, wait, they're just monsters. Uhhh, what do I do? Oh, I know, I'll stand still! They'll pass by me 'cause they don't have any eyes!" (zombie turns to attack him) "AAAAH! Damnit, how'd they see me?! That is so unfair! They don't even have any eyes!"
- Upon discovering the entry door to the Sector is locked:
Freeman: "Oh, you've got to be shitting me. I'm gonna sue the hell out of Black Mesa when I get out of here! Locking your workers in? That's what the Triangle Shirtwaist factory did! Locked its workers in, then there was a fire, then everybody died! That's a formula for success. Damn it! We're making history right now - crap history! [smashes console with crowbar, door opens] What? Ha-ha! I am incredible. Is there any end to the number of problems that I can solve just by beating the hell out of something? I'm not sure there is!
- That's how I say "Open Sesame"... with a crowbar to the face!
- Trying to save a scientist:
Freeman: Give me your hand![Scientist falls to his death, screaming]Freeman: No, your other hand, you idiot![splat]Freeman: Aah, you suck! Now you're dead and I still can't get out of here! Thanks for nothing! Why does everyone have to keep dying on me? Is it really so hard to just not die? I mean, look at me! I was in the chamber at freaking ground zero and I'm still here! Yet you guys slip on a banana peel and that's it! Ugh. Darwin was right. I didn't realize I was working with a bunch of lemmings.
- "I'll go around so I don't have to walk in the blood, but at the rate I'm going, I'll be knee-deep in it before I get outta here..."
- Freeman contemplating whether or not the Programmers were killed by the aliens, or simply "raved themselves to death."
- "Escape From Techno Hell!"
- "He-hey, gunshots! 'Where there's a gun, there's fun!' ...Or not."
- "Welp, time to play God. Let's see people disrespect me now. They'll find out what happens when they mess with The Freeman."
- A computer crushes a headcrab.
Freeman: YES! HAHAHA! My enemy is the enemy of my other enemy.
- "It's the same story every time! You give people the benefit of the doubt and they try to kill you!"
- "Okay, that's it; it's official: All aliens are bastards!"
- After spotting a scientist hiding in a dumpster:
Freeman: "Hey, a Jack-in-the-Box!"
- Dealing with a zombie:
Freeman: "You know how when they say you're part of the help or part of the problem? Well, they were talking about you! [kills it] There. Now you're part of the solution."
- "White men in armored Hazmat suits can't jump"
- "Uh-oh, train's leaving the station. All aboard!" *Headcrabs leap out* "No, not you! You don't have a ticket!"
- "Damn, this suit does not protect against gravity." [....] "Facehuggers! Okay, batter up. Strike one. Strike two. Strike- AAAH! It's raining men! I mean aliens!"
- "Why is this taking so long?! I could fall faster than this!"
- "No! Shut up! No-one cares about your opinion! You have no rights! You're all illegal immigrants! Now just do what you're told and jump off this giant meat grinder! No! You're doing it wrong! You're all incompetent!"
- Directly after this, when he walks onto a catwalk that promptly breaks underneath him, "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT HAPPENED?!!"
- "Okay, now I have some options. I can either fall to my death in this black pit, land on the edge and gore myself on jagged metal mesh, or land on the concrete and maybe break my legs! And before all I had was the pit."
- Cthulhu Dogs.
- After encountering another broken catwalk:
Freeman: Hey, a rope! Now I can be Tarzan![imitates Tarzan yell, sees the "rope" belongs to a barnacle]Freeman: Hey, wait, that's not a rope! These are, like, jellyfish or something. If I swung on that, it could come crashing down on me. These aliens are just good for nothing.[jumps off catwalk, lands on a crate]Freeman: These crates are good for something. That one just broke my fall. That means aliens are worth less than crates! Which is, what, a few dollars?
- "Wow. I wasn't expecting this. This must be our box-smashing room. I mean, what? We have a bottomless pit, and the sides are all plate metal that looks strong enough to withstand a missile blast. This room must have cost a couple hundred thousand to build. Eat your heart out, taxpayers! This is where your money goes!"
- "What's up with this ceiling?"
- Extreme Hopscotch
- "Good old New Mexico! We're really making a name for the state. First they invented the atomic bomb at Los Alamos, and now we've invented mean-ass aliens that teleport out of nowhere! I don't know which is worse! When they invented the atomic bomb they were afraid it was going to catch the atmosphere on fire and burn up the whole Earth, but they did it anyway. That took balls. Not us, though. The only people taking the risks were the ones who didn't understand them in the first place. We're not brave, we're just stupid."
- "Wow, we picked the wrong contractor to build these catwalks... 'El Sleazo's Discount Construction: Bribing building inspectors for over 40 years!' "
- "Huh. We've got so many dead bodies now, we're hanging them from the ceiling." [Body pulled up out of sight] "And then the ceiling eats them. I guess that works..."
- [reading sign] "'Work harder, not smarter.' Yeah, that's us alright! We stay the course with stupid."
- Freeman watching a shorted-out ceiling light:'
[Headcrab gets zapped]Freeman: Wha-ho! That shock took out a Face-hugger![Another Headcrab electrocuted]Freeman: And another one! Will this guy make it?[Third Headcrab shocked]Freeman: Noooo... You are all popcorn!
- "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
- "Crate City: For all your creative crate needs!"
- "Y'know, this reminds me of the time I came home from school, and there was some dead guy stuck in the smashed window of my apartment. He'd been trying to break in, but instead gutted himself on the insulated glass. That was not fun trying to explain that to the police..."
- "I'm kind of like glass in a way. I'll tear people to shreds when I can't do my job."
- Firing a gun inside the air-vent.
- [discovers an untried door] "Okay, let's... [door locked] "..cry. This locked door thing is getting real old."
- After killing some headcrabs in the ceiling:
Freeman: What are aliens doing up here, anyway? I guess they must have teleported in, but how do they know where to go? Oh, maybe they don't. Maybe they're teleporting into the walls. That could be why the building's falling apart. We're turning into the Swiss Cheese of the Damned.
- While pinned down by an automated turret gun:
Freeman: Hey, want to be my human shield?Scientist: Shut up!Freeman: Just an idea! [looks around corner] No, just a dead end... maybe I could force him out there if I waved my gun at him...Scientist: Nuhh...Freeman: Shit, did I say that out loud?
- In an unrelated headcrab-smashing incident:
Freeman: "OK, Children, class is in session! Everyone take your seat! [begins whaling on headcrabs with crowbar] I said 'Everyone take your SEAT'! Dammit Billy, that means you too! TAKE YOUR SEAT!!! Now, today's lesson is on- ...wait, what am I doing?"
- [finds guard] "Hey, can I have your gun? I thought it would be cool to shoot people with two pistols like I'm in a John Woo movie or something. [Beat] Uh... fine. Don't say anything, you freak. [sees dead headcrabs] Oh, I guess he was using it. Still, one gun is fun, but two is Woo-tastic!
- Freeman watches two scientists try to escape through the ventilation system:
Freeman: Oh, trying the vent thing, huh?[The scientists scream and die; organs pour out of the vent]Freeman: Ugh, you dumbasses! You can't go through the fan blades! Some people just have to learn things the hard way.
- "I'll kill every one of you bastards! All I need are bullets! We have a lot of bullets here! EARTH. IS A MINERAL. RICH. PLANET! I BET YOURS SUCKS!"
- After nearly being eaten by a barnacle in the presence of a scientist:
Freeman: What the fuck!?! Now I'm covered in blood! My hair... this is gonna jam my gun! [to scientist] And what about you!? Enjoying the show!?!Scientist: I just heard a secure-access transmission. Soldiers have arrived, and they're coming to rescue us. Of course, I have my doubts that we'll live long enough to greet them.Freeman: Yeah, thanks for the warning, asshole! I really appreciate how you stood there staring at me, not doing a goddamn thing! You're like a cat watching a mouse die!
- Freeman gets shot in the ear by a turret gun AND vomited on by a barnacle, and later gets some first aid near a guard.
Freeman: Ah, first aid. Yeah, need some gauze...Guard: I'll bet that stings a bit.Freeman: Yeah, no shit, Skippy. I've got more blood on me than an axe murderer. I'd be arrested if I were to approach a child looking like this.
- Upon seeing his first Exit Sign since the start of the series:
Freeman: Oh! An "Exit" sign! It's about bloody time.[door's locked]Freeman: Okay, remain calm...[bashes door with crowbar, glass doesn't break]Freeman: Jesus! Okay, we'll take this to the next level.[gunshot]Freeman: What the fuck? We installed bulletproof glass in our exit doors? That stuff's not cheap! How retarded are we!? I don't know anymore!
- Attacked by a multitude of Headcrabs near the end of the episode:
Freeman: Oh my God, this was NOT APPROVED BY THE COMMITTEE! I'M NOT TAKING ANY QUESTIONS! NO COMMENT! NO COMMENT! NO COMMENT!
- After being shot at by a turret gun:
Freeman: Why is the building trying to kill me? I'm an EMPLOYEE! YOU DON'T SHOOT YOUR EMPLOYEES! [starts shooting Headcrabs] YOU ARE NOT EMPLOYEES!
- "Brooahhh! Coffee coffee coffee. Coffee! It's not as strong as methamphetamine, but it lets you keep your teeth."
- Seeing a scientist running for his life:
Freeman: Heyyy, where's the party?[Headcrab leaps at his face]Freeman: Oh God! Okay, lead the way! Where're we going?[Scientist retreats to a corner of the next room]Freeman: What!? You're gonna hide in the corner? What're you, five years old!?[Shoots a Bullsquid]Freeman: Man, now I'm almost out of bullets. Are you happy? I'm not! You know what? You can stay in the corner. You've earned it. I'm gonna come back with a dunce cap for you, and you're gonna wear it!
- "I'm probably carrying a few blood-borne diseases on my suit. I'm a walking C.D.C. nightmare. It makes me want to hug someone."
- "I'M NOT A GERBIL!"
- GIMMIE SOME DORITOS! Says the doctor while unsuccessfully trying to break the glass.
Episode 10.5 (April Fool's Day)
- "Feeling up dead people is how you get germs."
- "Call me Ali Baba. Open Sesame!" (fires three times at a door to no effect) "Fine, then— Close Sesame! Man, 3 rounds of buckshot point blank... what the hell? It's like one of those doors in Looney Tunes where they blow up the building, but the door's still standing."
- Gordon's death. When he makes the running leap for the ladder and misses...
Freeman: I should get a running start, though. This right here is why you should eat Wheaties in the morning...I guess any breakfast is better for you than the two shots of vodka that I had. Whatever; let's do this! (starts running) Hoogasaka, hoogasaka, hoo—(leaps, fails to grab the ladder, starts plummeting) Oh shit oh SHIT OH SHIT—(SPLAT!)
HEV Voice: HEV activated. Automatic medical systems engaged. Major fracture detected. Internal bleeding detected. Emergency! User death imminent.
- Freeman gets some bad nachos:
Freeman: I need to find a phone so I can call their hotline and tell 'em I got bad nachos... and that the building's being attacked by aliens."
- "Well, there can't be anything good in that office if that guy was diving out the window, so I guess I have to take the elevator... [Beat. Notices the elevator is out of order.] I GUESS I HAVE TO TAKE THE ELEVATOR."
- "Now why is there no ladder here? The other elevator shaft had a ladder here! It was progressive!"
- "So, my only way out of here is to take some flying Leap of Faith like that scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, then claw like a mad cat, and hope like hell I get a grip and don't break my ribs! Once again, I need a grappling hook. I can't believe this. Why do you have a ladder in an elevator shaft? To fix the elevator! How do you get to the ladder? You take the elevator that doesn't work! Who thought this one up?! Jesus Christ! I suppose I could do the math on whether this jump is feasible or not, but, you know... we'll have plenty of time for that when I'm dead.
- "Ohhh, my God, that was stupid! Why do I keep doing stupid things?! Oh my Guh- I could've died!"
- Freeman's ongoing battle versus the indiscriminate Turret Guns.
- A timely intercom announcement makes for great comedy.
Gordon: I think that intercom just said "Turret Maintenance to Central Command". Yeah, they have a few things to answer for. Like why our turrets are killing everyone in the building.
- Discovering the Submachine Gun — It's not just for party tricks!
Gordon: Now I can solve 800 problems per minute.
- "Your side is the one where everybody's dead and there are no exits! My side is filled with hope, love, and submachine guns!"
- "Come play with us Gordon... forever, and ever, and ever..."
- "Quit staring at me! ...Yeah, you!"
- Freeman dodges laser tripmines that could set of the sentry turrets and kill him, while 2 scientists calmly stare at him. After he gets past the lasers, there's only one thing on their minds:
Scientist: Do you know who ate all the donuts?
- Gordon meets the Hazardous Environment Combat Unit marines (HECUs):
Scientist: Rescued at last! Thank God you're here!Freeman: Aww, yeah, the rescue team![HECU guns down the scientist]Freeman: ...Or, um, what? Okay, I can understand shooting someone running at you screaming, but I don't know... this feels shady. Is there another way out of here? I think this guy's in a bad mood. Well... all right, fine, I'll try and go make friends, even though that always ends up the same way. [looks again] See, he's not even trying to plant a gun on him or hide the body. That's a bad sign, like this is just another day of work for him. I'll at least give him some warning, so I don't jump on him. Hey, killer, what's up?[HECU opens fire]Freeman: Ah! Dammit, diplomacy sucks![Marine pursues and shoots him]Freeman: Ow! [Gordon shoots and kills marine] Hey, man, what's your problem!?! Why are you shooting everyone!? I'm taking this gun away from you, mister! You're obviously not mature enough to handle it! Now you sit there and think about what you've done!
- Freeman struggles with his 'conscience':
Freeman: So, yeah; I just killed a guy. Totally on purpose this time! I'll just keep on going and try not to think about that...
- Freeman struggles with his 'conscience':
- Freeman's already been shot at by one soldier, and is starting to have doubts...
Scientist: Don't shoot, I'm with the science team!Freeman: Hey, me too! But you go on first just in case they're not cool with that.[The scientist gets shot dead.]Freeman: Yeah, see, I'm just getting some bad vibes here...
- "I HAVE A DOCTOR'S DEGREE!" * BANG!* "You guys are dicks..."
- Freeman's 'conscience' again:
Freeman: So yeah, I'm killing people now... but that was not murder! It was totally self-defense. Just because I had a submachine gun doesn't change anything; it just lets me defend more efficiently. I haven't murdered anyone — well, not today anyway...
- Gordon meets another squad of HECU marines:
Freeman: Oh, no. So, are we gonna play nice, or—HECU: Movement![Gordon guns down the soldiers]Freeman: Nope. Well, looks like my armor is better than yours! And I'll just loot your bodies, 'cause that's how I roll... and that puts me at six or seven counts of "self-defense."
Freeman: I think murder used to be legal in Texas... if it was in your house, and your wife was having sex with another man. Maybe you also had to be drunk.
- Shortly after:
- "Heeyyyy! Surface Access! YES!!"
- "I'm gonna get so drunk tonight, like, way more than usual. Yeah! It's the surface! PARTY! PAR- [Spots two HECU marines] Dammit! It's the fun police!"
- Fighting HECU marines:
Freeman: I'm on your side, you fucking idiots! How many of you do I have to kill for you to understand that? God damn, you're stupid! You're like a bunch of lemmings with machine guns! Do I look like an alien? Am I green? Do I have tentacles coming out of me? Give me this, and this! Hey is that a chopper? HEY, HEY, HEY!! HELP!! HELP ME!! [air strike drives him indoors] WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY ARE WE BOMBING?! There's nobody here! Why are the soldiers bombing each other? Is this real? I just wanna go home! Everyone is crazy except me! I don't understand, why is everyone trying to kill me? I'm awesome! Are you all jealous?!
- "THIS IS THE WORST RESCUE OPERATION IN HISTORY!!!!!!!"
- "Shooting people isn't very nice!"
- In what is possibly one of the best quotes from anything ever, when shooting at the soldiers outside... "Give peace a chance! Or at least stand still!"
- Freeman decides he "should've been a Tour Guide.":
Freeman: "Follow me."[Headcrab sneaks up on him]Freeman: You can't follow me! You don't have any money! That's the whole point!
- "I want some Cheetos."
- "You can't get away with that kind of crap in physics. You have to have cold serious math to back up your theories. ...Well, except for the String Theory crowd. Those guys are a bunch of cultists. I think Steve and Richard sacrificed goats, that's why I was never allowed to come to their cook-outs."
- Gordon discovers he's back with the same two blankly staring scientists from the last episode:
Gordon: "Those two have gotten more done just standing there than I have running across this whole facility leaving a trail of bodies!"
- "What am I thinking? I can't die here; I'll get hungry..."
- The Genie Scientist.
- Freeman finally gets his shotgun!
Freeman: At least this shotgun won't deceive me; it's filled with pellets, not lies!
- This exchange:
Scientist: Do you know who ate all the doughnuts?Freeman: No! Do you know if leptons are really compound particles?! Frickin' doughnuts...
- "See, the quality of my life is going straight up now that I have a shotgun."
- "What is that noise? It sounds like somebody's frying bacon while smacking their head with the pan."
- "Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep; yeah I'm gonna go crazy doing that."
- "Ah, a radioactive spill! Part of me wants to believe we're not this criminally incompetent, but... I know better."
- "Unlike my colleagues, I have a tendency to stay alive. Since this morning, I've been bitten, shot, bombed, electrocuted, almost drowned, almost fallen to my death, and strangled. Rasputin wasn't so lucky! But, here I am, exposing myself to radiation. Why not? Let's add to the list: maybe I can get burned, stabbed, and poisoned before the day is done."
- Gordon is crawling through pipes, rambling about how awesome it would be to have pneumatic pipes connecting his house to a liquor store. This being Gordon, he's going over all this in a fairly serious voice, and it's pretty funny. What makes it hilarious is when he pops out to jump into another pipe, says "I'm a gopher!" perkily, then continues his liquor store warp tube monologue as if nothing happened.
- On the subject of radiation:
Freeman: That's how Spider-Man got his powers, [gets on a elevator] that is such bullshit. For starters, the odds of a random mutation being beneficial are astronomical. But even if you did get one, you would get radiation poisoning! Comic book writers know as much about science as I know about [pauses and thinks] Well, I'm a bad example since I know about almost everything, but the point is they can try harder!
- "I hate awkward pauses like this..." [BLAM] "And of course, I'm the one who has to break the ice..."
Freeman: Ah hah hah hah! Today's lesson is on muzzle energy and momentum!
- Almost immediately afterward, he shoots a Houndeye about to attack him and sends it flying up into the air!
- "MONKEY ON A STICK! WE'RE GETTING FINGERED BY GODZILLA!"
- Freeman finally finds an excuse to use his grenade collection:
Freeman: Okay, I was waiting for an opportunity to use this [pulls out a grenade] and here it is, it's obvious! a handful of shrapnel makes the medicine go down!
- "That's right; I bang, you bang, we all bang together..."
- Freeman contemplates Nietzsche:
Freeman: What was that Nietzsche said? 'He who fights drummers should see to it that in the process he does not himself become a drummer'? Or was it monsters?[later]Freeman: No, it had to be drummers. That's a monster, and there's no way I'm gonna end up looking like that thing...
- On the contemplation of Military Spending:
- Fighting Headcrab Zombies:
Freeman: Oh, someone thinks they're smarter than me... I don't need to dignify this.[shotguns a zombie]Freeman: "You don't even have a degree! Well, your host bodies have degrees around here, but you're just latching onto that! That's even worse than one of those online degrees! You're parasites in every way!"
- Freeman breaks open the door; creates an artificial vacuum. All because he wanted to throw the dead zombies into the fan-blades.
- "Stop persecuting me... all of you... jus'... stop..."
- "I've got shit to DOOOO!" Just the way he says it cracks me up.
- Freeman's "sea turtle" plan.
- Start at 5:00.
- Freeman's scientific sensibility starts to wear out:
Freeman: Is that a pixie? Science hasn't disproven the existence of pixies!
- Then he realizes it's just a blue light.
Freeman: This whole place is built on deception!
- "I climbed my way to safety! I AM A MONKEY GOD!" [cue monkey-like sounds]
- Ah, tick-tick-tock. Is that the sound of a Geiger counter or my lifespan counting down? It's both! That's right. Here at Black Mesa, when we talk about "half-life," we mean it in more ways than one. So make your peace, and come to Black Mesa. Here, you'll win a chance to fight freaks of nature, escape countless safety hazards, wander aimlessly for hours, and die scared, tired, and alone!
- "This is getting to be a chore, y'know? 'Wash the dishes, do the laundry, shoot the Snot Thing, empty the trash..."
- Freeman laments gravity:
Freeman: "Goddammit-Earth's-gravity-shouldn't-even-be-this-strong-for-a-planet-our-size. It's-only-this-way-because-there-are-so-many-metals-in-the-core-increasing-the-overall-density-and- oh fuck I'm gonna have to jump."
- "Life sucks sober!"
- "I mean it's not like I just came down the wrong corridor like I sometimes do. No, it's-" [activates spinning cart-thing] "WEEEEEEEEE!!" [cart stops] "It's worse than that."
- Freeman has a close encounter with hypnotism:
Scientist: Excellent! Someone has restored all power. We'll have the engine up again in no time.Freeman: Yeah, that room's dangerous, did you know that? It's a good thing I made it back OK. [stares at spinning dial] I was gonna... yeah, the... yes, master... no, stop! You can't kill me, so you're gonna try to control me, is that it? I'll never do your bidding! I've got a doctor's degree!
- "Wait, how'm I gonna get out of here? ...I should've thought about this sooner..."
- After being forced to leap yet another chasm:
Freeman: "Okay, I rock! NOW STOP MAKING ME PROVE IT!"
- Freeman considers the tentacle monster as being a small part of a much larger creature:
Freeman: It's wearing me and this facility as a hat. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
- Taking out the giant alien in episode 19 that's been haunting him, also doubling as a Crowning Moment of Awesome:
"Hey, the lights are on!" (hits the Test Fire button, warning klaxon goes off) "Hey, it's doing something! Did somebody fix this? Wait...what did I just do?" (giant alien gets incinerated by the rocket jet firing) OH! YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT, GET OUT OF THE ROCKET PROPULSION TEST CHAMBER! HA HA HA HA! BURN! BURN! BURN!!! Physics rules!"
- "Ugh. It smells like butt-rock in here."
- Freeman tries to understand Causality:
Freeman: Where is everybody? They're not up there. The guard's gone. I think I remember some explosives here. Now there's just scorch marks... bloodstain... and this is after firing that rocket... huh.
- Moving onward and... downward:
Freeman: Hey, that's a ladder! That means this is legit—this might go somewhere! I mean, it probably leads to a room filled with poison gas and a bunch of dead people that look just like me, but I don't know that, so there's room for hope, I guess.
- On the subject of his previous monster theory:
Freeman: "I was afraid I was going to look down there and see this giant eyeball looking up at me, angry at me 'cause I blew off its eyelashes or something. Then the whole building starts shaking and I guess I'd just ball up and cry. 'Cause what do you do when something that big wants to kill you?"
- Freeman reconsiders his plan to do a Long-drop cannonball into a pool of water. And decides it was awesome anyway.
- "Awwright! I'm making a lot of progress for not knowing where the hell I'm going!"
- Seeing the river of Sludge:
Freeman: Jesus Christ, look how much we're pumping out! This is bad! I thought the other spills were bad, but I also thought they were contained like we had some sort of plan if this happened, but this is a river! I'm not a bleeding-heart ecologist and I have more pressing things on my mind, but fuck me! If this gets into the ground water... well, that's it. We've already been playing crash-and-burn with this whole facility, but this is us pissing on the ashes as our final tribute to the whole community.
- Radiation: The Gift That Keeps On Giving!
- "Seriously, for what I've been through today, the next room should contain, like, strippers and party balloons. Champagne. Something along those lines."
- "Heeeyy! You dumb shits are FINALLY ATTACKING THE ALIENS!!! That's...that's a big one. You know what? I'm just gonna let you guys handle it; I have total faith in you. Go Army! Or Marines...or whatever you guys are."
- Noticing a burning gas-leak:
Freeman: Wow, that looks hot. I want some marshmallows.[Vortiguants teleport in]Freeman: [Shooting the Vortiguants] What the hell are you looking at? I don't have any marshmallows and even if I did I wouldn't give any to you! They're MINE! Everything's MINE![Takes a few steps forward; catwalk collapses.]Freeman: AHH! Well this facility's not mine. I thought I wanted it but now I don't.
- "Here's Johnny!"
- a headcrab falls from the ceiling:
Freeman: Where did that come from? Dropped from the ceiling![Turns around and sees a cranny hidden in the roof]Freeman: Oh. Man, you can hide some drugs in there. I don't see any. The aliens must have eaten them.
- "I'm not going to deal with this now. It's like the classic debate of why measuring the position of an electron changes its momentum and vice-versa. The only correct answer is to get drunk and set fire to things."
- "Man, if I get indicted once I leave here, this is getting harder and harder to explain. I don't think anyone's gonna buy a few dozen counts of self-defense with a submachine gun. I think there's kind of an unspoken rule in our society that if this many people are trying to kill you, you're supposed to be dead. I need to talk to an attorney. Maybe there's some sort of Rambo clause. But wait, Rambo goes to prison after the first movie. Fuck!"
- Freeman working on the Generator:
Freeman: This is ridiculous. The soldiers should be the ones fixing the generator, not me. I'm doing their job, AGAIN. First I'm killing everyone for them, now I'm playing engineer.[A Mawman surprises Gordon]Freeman: You don't even have a job! You're a vagrant!
- "Work, you antiquated piece of crap."
- Freeman's shaky grasp of electrical theory:
Freeman: But if that hit me right now, the current would roll around in my body and exit through the top. My head would blow up like a baked potato wrapped in tin-foil. It would pop off like a Pez container! ...Actually, if it wasn't me, it would be cool to watch if you got that on film. Your hair might catch on fire and it might look like that scene from Scanners, except this would be the real thing! Then you could sell it as a snuff film and make bundles of money. I know buyers.
- (Sees soldiers coming down the lift) "Oh give me a break!" (run back; distant explosions go off as the soldiers activated the trip mines) "Yeah, should have known better; I fixed the generator, maybe they now they need to come and break it. 'Uh oh, everything's working fine! Better call in the military!'" (Sees the suddenly soldier-less lift) "Wait, where did they go? I didn't imagine them! Hey, there are less lasers now... there's scorch marks... they're gone.... Holy shit, these were trip mines!"
- I brushed with death so often, I should start giving him high fives when I pass.
- "Powerslide! Yeah."
- After being shot at by the military for the eleventy billionth time, he decides to use the strategy of "wait around a corner, let them pass, then shoot" that worked for him so far. But then the soldiers catch on to him...
Freeman: I'm not gonna stand for it; I worked too hard to get where I am! I graduated from MIT! (gunfire) My diploma's worth more than your life! (gunfire) Screw this; I'm just gonna wait for them to come around the corner again.
[A grenade then bounces in just in front of Gordon.]
Freeman: (turning and running for his life) OH SHIT! (distant explosion) Okay, natural selection! The dumb ones are all dead, so the survivors are a little bit smarter!
- Freeman grapples with his fading morality:
Freeman: Yeah, it's strange. I thought I might start feeling weird about killing all these people, but really I don't. I think it's because they're all pricks and deserve to die. I'll make a speech at their funerals if someone wants me to. I have no problem with going up to a grieving widow, and telling her I'm sorry for her loss, but her husband was a rat-fuck meathead who tried to kill me for no goddamn reason, because he was too stupid to learn what the word "civilian" means. If I hadn't put him down, he probably would have come home later and strangled you in your sleep. And not in the kinky way either... I know how you base wives are.
- I am not happy right now.
- The dying guard.
Guard: I'll never make it. Y-you'll have to...go on without me!
Freeman: [cheerfully] Can do!
- "Man, I can't fight that thing. It's got longer legs than me. Much long- (It sees him) no."
- Being chased by a Gargantua:
Freeman: "Ok, that's close enough. [Starts shooting] Back, back, back, backbackbackbackAYIYIYIYII!" [Gargantua walks through the electrical arcs Freeman started and explodes] "YES! I MEANT TO DO THAT! Dumb lizard stomping around like he owns the place. That's why the dinosaurs went extinct: ME. The bigger they are, the funner they are to kill."
- Freeman is growing rapidly more displeased with the level of effort he's being asked to invest:
Freeman: "You know, I'm an expert on electricity — on the atomic level, anyway — and this, to me, looks like the power's on. A bit more dramatic than what I was expecting, but still, on. I'm going back up to that train room and finding out what the Hell's going on here. That guard wasn't telling me the whole story. What he meant was "Hey, yeah! All you have to do is pump out all that bilge-water in the generator room, turn the power on to the generator, shoot everyone in sight, then come back around and turn on the DC generator, then go down to the storage room and roll a spool up here, then break out some pliers and electrical tape so you can lay down some HV cable, then just bust through a wall and wire up a new circuit, then do the same thing on the other end of the complex, and yeah, you'll have that train runnin' within the month!"
- But then, he finds another bright side:
Freeman: Of course, the real tragedy is that I didn't bring a camera. If I had been taking pictures, I'd be ready the next time I had to sit through some family members' slideshow. I could whip it out and be like "Fuck you, your pictures suck! Look at mine: There's me blowing up some bipedal alien the size of a dump truck; Here's me shooting some troops because I'm hardcore, yeah, I think we're done here. You brought this on yourself"."
- But then, he finds another bright side:
- "Another exciting day in the life of a Forklift Operator!"
- Freeman contemplates putting the wounded guard to good use:
- Reaches the train barricade:
Freeman: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this? You've gotta be fucking kidding. ...Boy, optimists are retards."
- Freeman contemplates his current situation:
Freeman: This reminds me back in High school where we had a Driver's Ed class and the Gym teacher was asking us which was more dangerous; Crashing a motorcycle at 60mph into a haystack or crashing a motorcycle at 60mph into a concrete divider. He got mad and started yelling at the class when no one answered. [Stops, moves tram forward] Okay! Time to end my tram-operating career! [Jumps off tram as it moves to ram the blockade] If I were a conductor, this is how I'd want to retire: Just jump off and let the train speed away with everyone on board.
- And, after discovering the 'concrete' was actually gray styrofoam:
Freeman: Hey, what the hell?! That should've stopped a dump-truck! Man I don't understand anything today... maybe they were just made out of styrofoam and painted to look like concrete. Maybe someone was trying to psyche me out and prevent me from coming down here..."
- And, after discovering the 'concrete' was actually gray styrofoam:
- Driving the tram through a water-logged room.
Freeman: Let's not let the blood-mobile stop here. Man, I wish I could just duck my head into my suit like a turtle. Then I could ride around covered in blood with no head and then they'd have to make stories about me.
- "I'm not an expert in the field, but that sounds to me like the cries of the damned."
- "Oh that's great; I'm playing Jenga with my life..."
- "Bomb shelter parties are the best parties, because the bomb shelter parties don't stop... until everyone's dead."
- To a door:
Freeman: "QUIT. BEING. METAL!!!!" [after fadeout] "If I was a wizard this wouldn't be happening."
- Yet another sanity slip:
Freeman: "I bet we have gnomes down there mining precious metals and gems. I want a gnome[...]I'd put my gnome in a cage and feed him granola. I think they'd eat that. Ah, who am I kidding, if the aliens got down there, they'd have eaten them all by now anyway. Gnomes are small. Wait, are gnomes even real?"
- You know, some people might argue I'm only focusing on the negative, but I think that's because I can't think of one thing today anyone else has done right. All anyone has been doing today has been breaking things, running around screaming, shooting the wrong people, or dying. I mean, what am I supposed to say to people? "Wow, you sure did a good job falling down that elevator shaft!" Or "Way to lock yourself inside the freezer! I'm so proud of you."
- Freeman's casual use of foreign languages in the middle of his paranoid ranting.
- "I'm still waiting for hidden treasure. We get funding for a lot of shady projects, maybe there's some Nazi Gold back here. Reichen Sie mir das Geld!"
- Okay, I see an alien and a dead body. I can put one and one together. [Shoots at the bullsquid] Actually, that's one and negative one. [Shoots again, killing it] Now it's negative two, and me. But wait, wouldn't I be number one? I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. See, this is why you have to define your terms. If you don't, people die.
- Everybody's lost except for me!
- A possible Spoony Experiment Shout-Out: "Okay, cut that out, I'm really not trying to get in anybody's way!"
- Finding a new path:
Freeman: There might be something here. Beside death, I mean. I doubt there will be. I'm sure I'll go up the stairs and find nothing but a stack of dead bodies with a smiley-face sticker attached- (He is jumped by a headcrab out of nowhere) BALLS OF!! THAT WAS SNEAKY! WHERE'D YOU GO?... Well, let that be a lesson to you. How do those bastards know to jump toward the only vulnerable part of my body? If I was quick enough, I might be able to headbutt them..."
- Episode 27 in its entirety — Freeman celebrates 'Talk Like A Pirate Day'.
- "Ya blunderin' squid! What good are ya?!"
- "Arr, what have we here? An anti-scurvy machine..."
- "Fire the cannons! (Launches grenade, kills guards) (Laughing) AR!AR!AR!AR! (Fires his gun randomly to celebrate)."
- "This sounds like a job for Ambassador Pineapple." [pulls out grenade] "You'll be representing me on the floor. Now go out there and work your magic!" [throws grenade, destroying the gun turret] "Oh! Sounds like we came to a resolution!"
- "What the hell? Did it just shut the door on me? But I'm a great salesman!"
- "Hi, I'm selling these fine used bullets. Free samples! [...] Ah, the missus of the house! Try some of our product!"
- Freeman is riding the tram and rambling about how a security guard is telling half-truths. He turns a corner, and a marine shoots a rocket launcher at him, leading to this gem:
Freeman: "...but so far, he's said things that have been half true. You know, like the devil. So statistically, it makes more sense to follow the advice of a half-liar, versus making completely random decisions like I have been." [sees smoke from rocket being fired] "What is that?" [rocket streaks past him] "JESUS CHRIST!!" [jumps off tram] "Next stop, right here! You can have the tram! Fuck!"
- After killing Rocky the Rocket Ranger:
Freeman: Okay, so how do -I- operate this thing? I wanna blow stuff up too!
- After killing Rocky the Rocket Ranger:
- "Follow my advice and you'll die just like me! *ha-hyuck!*"
- “‘Aliens aren't invading, Freeman. You’re just being paranoid.’ ‘The mailman’s not spying on you, Freeman. You’re just being paranoid.’ What else... ‘There’s no society of anthropomorphic frog people living in the sewer, Freeman. You’re just being paranoid.’ ‘Owls can’t read your thoughts, Freeman. You’re just being paranoid.’ Bet you wouldn’t call me paranoid now if you were still alive!”
- Freeman finally starts to catch on:
"You know, I'm really starting to think maybe this whole thing isn't a rescue operation."
- "Really, you don't need a physics degree to grasp the concept. But the fact that I HAVE ONE is just insult to injury!"
- "I HAVE TO BLOW EVERYTHING UP!!! IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE I'M NOT CRAZY!!!"
- "Trinitrotoluene doesn't care what mood you're in..."
- "THOSE WEREN'T FIRECRACKERS!"
- "Is my education on electromagnetism wrong, or is the WORLD wrong...?"
- Upon spotting more Claymore mines:
Freeman: I guess I could jump these, but if I scuff it, then it's going to hurt more than a little bit. I'll play it safe and just crawl under. [Does so] Besides, I really can't recall any safety advice that says to run and jump around explosives. That would be dope if they had something like this for hurdles at the Olympics though. If a runner screwed up he would just explode. I bet the adrenaline would increase performance..."
- After Freeman gets ambushed:
Freeman: "What the fuck!? Did they just pop out of a box? Why were they in a box!? That's Looney Tunes crap! Jesus! Well, they caught me off guard, I'll give them that. I wonder if that was their idea or it was approved by the chain of command. Yeah I could imagine a cigar smoking general ordering that." [In the voice of a gruff military stereotype] "Yes, put two soldiers in a box! When the enemy approaches, they just jump out. It's brilliant!"
- "I bet they're both named Jack, too."
- Freeman contemplating loading up one of the trams with corpses and sending it ahead down the tracks.
"Maybe I should have taken the tram, I don't know. Then I could have loaded it up with dead bodies and sent it forward. That would probably creep out everybody down the line. That would creep me out. If I was working in the lab and this cart full of dead scientists just rolled in. It's a real conversation-stopper. Yeah, these goons write "you're dead Freeman" on the wall so I send them back a cart full of bodies. Who wins then? Psychological warfare worked for Vlad the Impaler, it can work for me, too."
- [sees ambushing zombie's arm peeking out] "Whoahoahoahoahoa, what is that? Hell's coatrack! I don't think so!"
- Freeman totally and completely spazzing out and emptying an entire shotgun clip after a zombie gets the jump on him and almost kills him.
Freeman: They flanked me...which is why I know there's one under HERE! [Darts under a desk and aims frantically] Oh. Maybe not.
- "Yeah, it's a shame. Here we are in an underground cave with all these lasers, and instead of having a rave, we're using it for evil."
- "You know, killing soldiers is one of those chores where if I had any option, I'd just put it off, hope it solves itself."
- After almost getting shot to death by a turret: [finds a radio] "So you're the one behind this!" [Shoots it]
- Freeman' reaction to hearing two soldiers blame him for killing their friends:
Freeman: (immediately shoots them several times in the back) There, that's for trying to guilt trip me! Yeah, the big, bad Freeman. Of course! YOU guys didn't start shit!
- "That security guy said this track would take me to the surface. Okay, now what was the long way to the surface?"
- Freeman approaches a blast door:
Freeman: Hey, a keypad! ...I don't know the code. I'll try some random numbers. [beeping] No? Okay, 1-3-3-7. [beeping] No... 1-2-3-4. [door opens] Ah-ha-ha! You know, as much as I'd like to claim this was the result of me being a genius, it's more that someone else was not.
- Freeman watches an enemy soldier throw a grenade at his own buddies.
Freeman: I don't think he was even aiming for me. I was just the excuse! I mean, what is this? The Three Stooges Join the Corps?
- "These guys sound pretty chill considering there were gunshots and an explosion outside not two minutes earlier. I guess it doesn't occur to them to investigate that... Now we return to Ethical Dilemma Theater."
- "Self-defense isn't cutting it if I don't get to shoot first!"
- "Hey, what's this do?" [Pushes a button causing blast doors to descend over the windows and alarms to sound] "Uh-oh. Uh...maybe I should stop pressing every button I see. [Rocket launches] "Jesus Christ, I launched a missile. I'm not helping anything. [Rocket burn flashes] AUGH MY EYES! GAZE UPON THE FIERY DOOM OF THIS EARTH! So, guess I just started World War 3. This has been a busy day, but in the end there's only one thing that matters: I did not leave any fingerprints. I was wearing my suit."
- "Oh! And what's this? Could this be a ridged pipe? That leads straight up the rock face? I think it is!" (On reaching the top) "...ah... that's right, I'm in New Mexico, aren't I? The middle of the desert. The middle of the desert...Now that I think about it, the flight out here might have been longer than I remember. So, if I were to just pack it on foot, how far could I go? If I had food and water — which I DON'T — I could go twenty, maybe thirty miles in a day, assuming the sun didn't beat me down... which it would. I really should have thought about this sooner. OK, so maybe walking out is NOT the way to go here."
- "People say you have to play the cards you've been dealt in life. I don't think so. I think if you've been dealt a stacked deck, you can knock the table over, pull out a gun, and start firing on... life, I guess."
- Freeman meets a sniper.
- Freeman acquires a Claymore.
- "I just thought of a paradox: maybe the more people I kill, the less likely it is that they'll blame it all on me! I mean, one guy killing five or ten people? Sure. But can they really pin dozens and dozens of armed military personnel on me?"
- "Anyway, my background doesn't fit the profile: No military training, never fired a gun, acquitted for petty theft, not a member of any extremist organizations, has a PhD in theoretical physics. Yeah, that sounds like our man!"
- "Witnessing a zombie eating a soldiers dead body:
Freeman: Ew, that's gross... Hey! get a room you two! [shoots the zombie repeatedly] This is a family missile silo. [approaches the soldiers body] I have nothing more to say to you."
- Back to his earlier train of thought:
- "FUCK YOU, FISH!"
- His musings about how, in grad school, he could get shitfaced one day, hook up an IV with a saline solution, and go to class the next day with little more than a good buzz...all because he had a med student as a roommate who gave him that tip.
- "You want to eat me? No, I'm not here to give you a free meal, you think I work at Seaworld?"
- Freeman killing the giant alien shark.
- "I'M BOXED IN!"
- "That fish in a barrel trick doesn't work so well when the fish has a shotgun, huh?"
- "Tactical combat is strange, man."
- "Wait, I was supposed to stop pressing strange buttons, wasn't I? I haven't learned anything!"
- "Error 482: Somebody shot the server with a 12-Gauge. Please contact your Administrator."
- "Quiero un poco de drogas. Donde están? Tengo dinero."
"I want some drugs. Where are they? I have money."
- Freeman discovers his suit is full of tracking devices. He doesn't respond well.
- The Freezer Room.
- "No respect, man. No respect at all..."
- Contemplating who shot a random guard he was talking to:
Freeman: "Maybe the problem just went away... Maybe I just willed it out of existence... Maybe it was the magical sniper fairy that comes and gives silenced hollow point rounds to people who don't eat their vegetables."
- "Fucking ninjas man..."
- "I was not ready for ninjas. Who is ready for ninjas? No one— they're ninjas."
- After surviving a firefight with Black Ops:
- The Fermion Lecture.
- Freeman trying to piece together last night's events. And getting it completely wrong.
Well, obviously something happened last night. I woke up in a trash compactor again.
- What little he's able to piece together is still pretty hilarious.
- "The ruptured rusty rods reveal a rift!"
- "Maybe I was in the biology lab trying to hit on Heather again, then she just lost it and knocked me unconscious, then tried to dump my body because, let's face it, she can be pretty stone cold. Well it didn't work, Heather! Now I have a gun! You can't stop the Freeman! [runs into a locked door] Well okay, I guess doors can stop the Freeman..."
- "Well there was that pollen for Monsanto that kills people, everybody was really proud of that..."
- "I expect a certain level of safety and comfort when I break into a place..."
- During his first conveyor belt ride of episode 37:
- "I'm not a leper! I shouldn't have to stand for meat dandruff!"
- "Augh... this is a pretty shitty water park! I'm never coming here again!"
- THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY! I HAVE A GUN SO I'M IN CHARGE! Many governments around the world function on this principle. And some of them last for months!"
- "Satchel Charges! These are how you make your own exits!"
- Freeman is nearly hypnotized again.
- After navigating a contrived set of crushing pistons, Freeman seems to finally be coming off the rails for good:
Freeman: Oh, this one's full of tricks! It's tapping out Morse on the fucking belt! Red lights, walking backwards, GIMME SOME MORE PRESSURE, I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH! YES! BIOHAZARD! PERFECT! THANK YOU! AAAH! FALLING TO MY DEATH! TANK OF ACID! SUPERB! Sidestepping...."
- Freeman's continued frustrations with the layout of the building.
Freeman: Oh hey, a door. This means that the builders of this temple were civilized.(door is locked)Freeman: No... No, my mistake, they're savages.
- "OH GOD I'M OUT OF AMMO! WHOSE JOB WAS IT TO RELOAD?! THEY'RE FIRED! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THERE'S NO AMMO LEFT!? YOU'RE FIRED TOO! I can't delegate anything around here!"
- After seeing a trip mine on a conveyor belt:
"Why would we do that?! Either everything conforms to standards, or we blow up the assembly line, is that it? What the hell, this is an American company; we're not supposed to have that All or Nothing mentality like the Japanese. I'm gonna shoot it. I don't care if it blows up the conveyor, it's their fault." *blows it up* "Yep, I blew up the conveyor. Now the district manager has to commit harakiri, I guess. This reminds me of those old video games from Japan that were impossible to beat, and if you died they would tell you how many fingers to cut off to preserve your honor."
- "Oh this is that door. So leaving was never an option. Now, crawling in circles until you fucking die, there's an option! I LIKE THAT OPTION! LET'S GO WITH THAT OPTION! RAAUUUGHH! ...Actually I was just kidding, I don't like that option."
- Freeman accidentally letting out the Grunt in the biolab.
- In a black humor sense, Freeman casually shooting a guard after he remembers that the military is trying to kill himnote before deciding that's he's simply going to kill everyone around him.
- He does rationalise it that only 30 seconds before, he'd shot a military goon who'd appeared from that very corridor, meaning he must have passed the guard on the way. Since the guard wasn't killed, Freeman believes the two must have been working together.
- "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, everyone dies!"
- He does rationalise it that only 30 seconds before, he'd shot a military goon who'd appeared from that very corridor, meaning he must have passed the guard on the way. Since the guard wasn't killed, Freeman believes the two must have been working together.
- When he is confronted by some Houndeyes, the following dialogue takes place:
"Okay, I'm your dance instructor-no, you're starting too early! Stop that! I SAID STOP THAT! One two three LEFT! One two three LEFT! No, your rhythm's all wrong! Ugh... I give up. I can't teach this class. Some people just don't want to learn, you know?"
- Saying "Over here, you forgot your bullets. Take some of mine!" as he strolls up and shoots down a group of marines. Ending with a cheery "You're welcome!" when he kills the last one.
- "I'm a gun farmer. I plant bullet seeds in people at about a thousand feet per second, and out pop more guns!"
- "Tag! You're it! Not you, the other guy! YOU'RE IT! YOU'RE IT! YOU'RE IT!"
- "No tagbacks."
- One word: hiccups.
Gordon: Don't come near me...don't come near me...no, no... I HAVE A PERSONAL SPACE, GODDAMMIT! PERSONAL SPACE! -hic-
- Freeman tries to calm an enemy soldier saying that he didn't mean to shoot him. Apparently it works, and Gordon is flabbergasted.
- Freeman enters a room where soldiers and bullsquids are fighting and proceeds to shoot them down, telling them to relax... while screaming at the top of his lungs.
- Freeman finds three scientists hiding in a room behind a "giant cheese slicer" chamber and actually decides that he needs them alive. But one of them doesn't exactly "click" with Gordon.
Freeman: Okay, let's do the "get outside" thing. You come with me.
Scientist: With my brains and your brawn, we'll make an excellent team.
Freeman: OH, so you think you're the brains of this operation, huh?
Scientist: I'll wait.
Freeman: Goddamn right you will.
- And later, after he turns the cheese slicer off:
Freeman: ...Okay, I guess you too.
Scientist: I certainly hope that you know what you're doing.
Freeman: That's it, I've had enough lip from you. You stay!
Scientist: I'm slowing you down, am I?
Freeman: No, you're pissing me off is what you're doing!
- And later, after he turns the cheese slicer off:
- Upon finding turrets at the entrance to the lobby outside:
Freeman: It looks like an anemometer, but it is not. Anemometers don't fire bullets. Not even the expensive ones. Or I don't think they do. If they do, meteorologists are more hardcore than I thought. Huh, I don't know, maybe. They chase tornadoes and crap. Maybe this is what happens when they get better funding.
- "But yeah, I can see meteorologists taking things up a notch. Like they normally release weather balloons and just count on people to be nice and mail them back when they land. Instead they can deploy motion sensor turret guns on landing, send out a locator signal, and shoot anyone that got too close. They'd get their data then!"
- "They must be listening to the radio. I'm gonna change the station." [detonates satchel charge]
- "Wow, you're pretty chill about all this... kind of unnaturally so. I guess you're autistic. Great."
- This episode takes place at a dam. Naturally, Gordon milks it for all it's worth.
"I'm in a dam(n) canyon, I'm stuck on this dam(n) tower... what's in this dam(n) room, anyway? It's a dam(n) button. *presses button* Sounds like that did some dam(n) thing.
- "They can blow up the damn dam for all I care! (briefly wanders out of cover and narrowly avoids getting blown up) Dammit! Pretty sure this is unconstitutional, even cops aren't allowed to mortar people. I mean what happened? Was there an emergency session of congress to vote on bombing me!?".
- "Okay, suppressive fire in, suppressive fire out, do the hokey pokey and that's what it's all about!"
- "Why lock that gate? Who do they think is gonna break in? I'm trying to break out. They think someone's going to sneak in with a bucket and steal their water?"
- "I'd say I need a surface-to-air missile, but no one should need a surface-to-air missile. That should be firmly under 'wants and desires'."
- Gordon Freeman trying to convince the other soldiers to attack the helicopter.
- "DO I LOOK LIKE A HELICOPTER? NO! I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A HELICOPTER! If I did my life would be less complicated in some ways and more complicated in others."
- "Hey I was right! It's something horrible!"
- Freeman theorizes that the entire reason this is happening is because he's supposed to die all along.
"I mean sharks, mortar shells, attack helicopters, drowning. Some force wants me dead. Maybe that's why all of this is happening. I was supposed to die yesterday in the test chamber, but I didn't because I'm hardcore. So now reality is slowly unraveling. That makes me the most important person in the universe. I still don't like getting SHOT AT, though!"
- "So if I die, will reality slowly correct itself? Or will the world just end? It might as well BE the end of the world if I'm dead!"
- "LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M ON MY SMOKE BREAK!"*
- At one point, Gordon lampshades that he managed to somehow shoot down the helicopter last episode... with 9mm caliber rounds (which the helicopter's hull should've stood up against). He comes to the conclusion that he just got lucky.
Gordon: I'm pretty sure I'm not the first person to have the idea of shooting at a helicopter...
- "See, this is why unions were formed: so that when you get lucky breaks like this, management doesn't make three seconds the new standard for opening a welded gate."
- Gordon's first reaction to seeing just how far up he is: "Okaaay... Watch. Your. Step."
- After Gordon thinks one of the HECU Marines insulted him. "It doesn't matter, I've got the best comeback of all. A SPAS-12."
- Gordon's reaction to the Rope Bridge, and his panic when he tries to cross it and it starts falling apart.
- The serene tone Gordon's voice gains following his discovery of the rocket launcher. One can just tell how happy he is.
Freeman: Is that... Oh, my God, it's a rocket launcher. The perfect gift for the man who has everything. Oooooh, you and I are gonna go places. My mind is spinning with new possibilities. You are the first good news I have had all day. *picks up ammo* Yes, I'll bring your friends.
Freeman: Hark! Dost thou hear with thine ears what I hear with mine? Interloper! No quarter shall be shown hither, fiend! Anon! Show thyself, churl! Have at thee! *fires, misses, gets shot at* Blackguard! Curses, fie upon thee! But ho, the laser on mine rocket launcher be not a mere target, but a guidance system! Where art thou? Come hither, that I may smite thee! *shoots the Apache down* Thou shalt not be missed.
- Followed immediately by this brief bit of (increased) insanity when Gordon starts talking like someone from a Shakespear play while fighting the Apache:
- "Oh, wait, what's that sound? Do you hear that? I think that's silence! That's the sound people make when everyone trying to kill me is dead! And I have a rocket launcher! I have a rocket launcher with a laser guidance system! And I am walking on a really, really, narrow cliff face."
- Near the beginning, Gordon's thoughts on mind reading are interrupted by his need to concentrate on navigating the cliffside. He then remembers to resume those thoughts near the episode's end and is immediately interrupted by almost falling off.
- Near the end of the episode, Gordon gets ambushed by a Headcrab, which misses him and jumps off the cliff:
Gordon: "Yes! Toro, motherfucker!"
- As Gordon inches along a narrow cliff-face, he muses to himself that he'll have to be careful not to freak out if a spider jumps on him. Really makes you wonder if he would do just that if it really happened.
- Freeman commenting that his current location would make for a great water park, if they made a few changes like expanding the length of the canals and getting rid of the special forces unit.
Freeman: The customers shouldn't have to be packing heat in order to finish the ride.
- Freeman breaking out into a recitation of Gilbert and Sullivan's "Modern Major General" (from The Pirates of Penzance).
- "WHERE'S MY CHORUS?!"
Freeman: I can fire at a target and hit it at least half the timeor graph out an electron path while using only numbers primeI calculate the fall rate of a bullet shot a thousand yardsI perforate the thick heads of a hundred military guards.I can make a simulation of an atom bomb and build one tooOr flank a dozen men and ambush ten of them right out of the blueFrom SMGs to RPGs, I carry quite an arsenalAnd skip around a war zone like a sub-atomic particle.
- After concluding that the lyrics are a bit dated, he adds his own verse...
- "STILL NO CHORUS!!"
- Gordon fighting a tank while speaking like a Valley Girl.
Gordon: Okay, delivery for Mr. Abrams. *fires a grenade at the tank, doing nothing* Oh, come on. I know someone's home. *fires a second grenade, destroying the turret* No, I don't need a signature. You have a nice day.
- When he attacks the first tank:
- Freeman tries to signal a plane... by shooting at it.
- As Gordon tries to move around a building, rubble starts falling. He wonders if there's a squirrel on the roof wanting payback, a Brick Joke from all the way back in Episode 1 about a squirrel who got caught on a power line at MIT.
- The sniper from Episode 31 is back! At least, Gordon thinks it might be the same sniper.
"There's people who give you the evil eye, and then there's snipers. Big difference."
- "Yeah, that's kind of where my life is right now, where I know my best option isn't going to work."
- Gordon starts thinking about how much more productive humans would be if they had 6 fingers on each hand instead of 5. And at the end of the video he asks the scientist how many fingers he has on his hands.
- What could be that scary thing behind the door the scientist talked about? "Man, if it's worse than what I've seen, it must be... silverback gorillas with flamethrowers."
- Another theory as to what that scary thing behind the door was - clowns?
- "Why are there so many lasers here? I feel like I'm trying to steal a diamond... wait, are there diamonds here?? That would turn my day right around."
- "Yeah, wow, look. They just slapped the mines on everything in sight. A loose crate? Add a mine. Some metal railing? Add a mine. A mop handle? Add a mine. This room confirms every single thing I've suspected about the soldiers. This is their grand strategy at work right here: just slap easily-triggered mines on everything in a room that could wipe out half the facility if there was a chain reaction. Oh, and leave some aliens hopping around in it higgledy-piggledy, too. Yeah, there are NO surprises here. Just blow up everything in sight. Don't worry about how we do missile research here."
- Gordon checks a security guard's corpse... for money.
- Gordon finds a lift with holes, and believes it's an unfinished spike platform for killing cattle.
"Are they actually going to kill a cow with that? That's crazy! It would hit its legs first and could easily miss its brain. It would just make horrible noises and be in as much pain as possible. Okay, so I guess that's why we made it. Solved that one."
- Gordon finally comes across the Hivehand... which he assumes is one of the aliens and promptly shoots/avoids it.
- Freeman's reaction to a security guard being pursued by soldiers.
Guard: HEEEEEEY! AAAAAAAAGH!
*turns, sees soldier*
- Then said security guard runs in front of Freeman as he is shooting said soldiers and gets killed.
- Freeman's attempt to hijack a military truck, and then ranting about how he never learned to hotwire.
- Freeman is pinned down: "Now I know what time it is: it is clearly rocket launcher time. However...[takes a peek around the corner and quickly ducks back, narrowly avoiding a shot] Mr. Dead-To-Rights The Tank Operator doesn't seem to operate in my time zone. His clock says it's time to turn me into red paste."
- An enemy in a Bradley shoots at some of his own soldiers, killing one of them and just barely missing the other. This seems to be a recurring theme in the series...
"Man, I'm NEVER joining the military!"
- Freeman begins to regret killing the security guard from the previous episode, noting that his tendency to run in front of gunfire could come in handy when dealing with a tank.
"Teamwork: the ultimate sacrifice."
- What's left of Freeman's sanity evaporates once he can't get past a broken door.
"Why is this door not moving!? It's blown off the hinges! I can see inside for God's — it's not locked! This is cheating! Tell reality to stop cheating! Reality, how could you?
- Freeman gets the tank's gun to turn towards him... then takes off quickly to a nearby alleyway before it shoots at him.
"Okay, bye! DOOBOOPDOODLOODLOOPBOOPDOOPBOOPDODODODOLOOPBOOP"
- Freeman's reaction to yet another sniper. It has to be seen to be believed.
- "Okay, I'm gonna let you live because I need you for an experiment to ascertain whether tank shells prefer blue or orange colors."
- "Okay, this must be the sniper residence. I received a bullet delivery from you by mistake, so I'm returning it, plus a little something extra for your trouble." *grenade explodes* "Okay, I'll mark down that you received the shipment."
- Freeman's insane plan to splash fake blood on the hood of a police-painted Crown Victoria and use it to lure people into being attacked by a chimpanzee trained in hardcore karate.
- Freeman thinking the military bombed a building after they put soldiers in the building based on all the friendly-fire incidents he's seen up to this point.
- Freeman playing the role of air-traffic controller.
- *tries to open a locked door* "Well... I didn't want to go in there anyways!"
- At the end of the episode, Freeman narrowly avoids being turned into meaty chunks for the billionth time after a soldier throws a satchel charge in the pipe Freeman was climbing in. After this, he goes to open the other end of the pipe... only to find out that the soldier locked it. Freeman, ever the optimist, tries to find the bright side.
Freeman: Well... at least he didn't tell me to stick that in my pipe and smoke it.
- Freeman's reaction to the Alien Grunts shooting at him. Or rather, WHAT they're shooting at him.
Gordon: (genuinely confused) Fu- fucking... bees? That's all this is!?
- Gordon's LMG-fueled slaughter of vortigaunts come off as extra funny because his speech and the gun he's shooting makes it sound an awful lot like machinegun fueled Fake Static.
*gunfire* "Did you say something?!" *gunfire* "You need to speak up!" *gunfire* "What?!" *gunfire* "I can't hear you!" *gunfire* "You want me to shoot you? Sure, I can do that!" *gunfire "Is that enough?" *gunfire* "Okay, I'll keep it coming!" *gunfire* "How about now, is that good?!" *gunfire*
- Gordon's first experience with an alien launchpad.
- Of all the insane things Gordon believes in, he is now convinced that ghosts are real and that he has a ghost companion helping him out. He also briefly pretends to be one after escaping the pipe.
- Considering the strange game mechanics at work, and all the things that have already happened, his ghost explanation is alarmingly plausible.
- Gordon nearly shooting yet another guard. Thankfully, this one doesn't die. At least not until the Gargantua appears...
- Gordon playing with the airstrike map. And wishing he had one that displayed the whole world.
- Freeman's reaction to narrowly surviving a bunker caving in on him.
"Uh, ghosts? Any time now."
- "See, chess doesn't prepare you for this. You can't say that a rook and three pawns flanked your knight, but he laid down suppressing fire and punched through them anyway. You get disqualified if you try that! Maybe I've been disqualified from reality."
- "NO! I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER! STOP IMPRINTING!"
- "NO! I DON'T WANT YOU!"
- "I wouldn't make a very good babysitter. I mean, my first impulse towards seeing a bunch of kids running around is to throw things at them."
- "Yay! I win the nightmare pinata!"
- "These things shouldn't be out in the wild! We need to round them up for ring fights like any civilized society would! You start on small animals, move up to big, then steadily increase the odds for bet payouts!"
- "I'm here for the molds! And the fungus! I've got you pinned down! You'll never leave with your mushrooms and other crap that grows in cellars alive!"
- Gordon deconstructs the One-Man Army trope. It's the sort of thing that sounds cool, but in reality it's just really annoying because you have do everything yourself.
- Freeman noticing that the Alien Grunts don't wear armor on their torsos, and concludes that the Earth is actually being invaded by alien strippers. To the point of wondering if the invasion is the normal conquest kind or if it has some sort of kinky alien context.
- "This is such a waste. I mean, the military is barely doing its job, but they could outsource this. Make a public announcement that every gun owner is welcome to come here and shoot aliens. Kill as many as you want. Militias dream of something like this happening. If we opened this up, it would be like a modern-day pilgramage for a third of the country."
- Freeman is becoming more and more resigned about the insane design of Black Mesa. After opening a hatch underground that leads deeper into the base:
Freeman: Oh, you took THAT tunnel? Yeah, that added two miles to your route.
- "I guess it's sealed so that water doesn't seep in when it rains and floods the underground man-made pond here with no source of water. And this all makes sense because we're in the desert."
- He also muses on the fact that when he finally gets out he's going to meet the architect who built the complex and find out that he actually took the longest possible route to escape.
- "Jesus Christ, are these worms even real?! Or am I just going through withdrawal because I'm a bigger alcoholic than I thought? I don't drink that much, that's what pills are for!"
- When Freeman finds an elevator that actually works, his initial reaction is to stare at it in disbelief. Followed by this:
- Gordon's reaction on finding a Charlie Chaplin cog wheel... that doesn't turn anything.
- Gordon completely missing his grenade toss at a sentry gun, and cutting himself off mid-sentence.
Freeman: Okay, paper beats rock, hand grenade beats unmanned sentry gu- shit.
- "You know what the #1 regret of dying people is? It's 'I regret playing near all that radioactive waste because now I'm fucking dying!'"
- Freeman's examination of the aliens' tactics, surprised that they seem to be rather stupid despite their advanced technology.
- The indestructible tool cabinet.
Freeman: Does Snap-on have a special tankproof model or something?
- Freeman calling his grenade a "happy ball"
Freeman: You were supposed to follow the happy ball, but you didn't! Now no one's happy!
- Freeman becoming more and more Genre Savvy, guessing that activating the elevator would release more aliens.
- The mental image of an army releasing badgers into a war zone.
- "Through the power of hypnotic suggestion and a tank I was able to convince these people they were dead."
- "Yeah, I'm about 95% sure this scientist didn't kill himself to paint the floor with his own blood as part of a performance art piece he was doing. Even engineering wouldn't do something like that."
- Occam's Shuriken: When the answer is elusive, never rule out ninjas.
- "Ninjas understand quantum mechanics far better than people realize. That was a controversial part of my dissertation."
- "Dammit, you tricked me into killing you in a really loud way!"
- When Freeman gets the Gluon Gun:
Scientist: You don't look as if you have any trouble killing things.
Freeman: Yeah, this blood's not coming off, is it?
- After seeing a few bodies and blood splatters leading to a lone security guard, Freeman assumes that the guard went psycho and killed everyone. This makes Freeman even more paranoid than aliens and soldiers ever did.
Freeman: Wow! I'm gonna watch my back around here! I don't want any surprises from Captain Trigger Finger over there.
- "There's probably gonna be a congressional hearing about us later, asking "How did this happen?" And every single person is gonna say, 'Uhhhhh..... uhhhhhhh... uhhhh....'"
- Freeman flips a switch, only to suddenly be faced with more teleporting aliens.
- "Whoever set up this intercom system clearly wanted to fight me. I keep hearing "dimensional power! Dimensional contamination!" What the fuck are they talking about?? I'm pretty sure these aliens are THREE-dimensional! They're probably from somewhere deep in space, but SPACE isn't another dimension! Does somebody here think they're Buckaroo Banzai? But OK, let's say the teleportation event represents cross-dimensional activity. How do we know this? Have we figured all this out in the past 2 days during a panic? AND invented and set up cross-dimensional detectors around the facility like they're smoke alarms? AND set up a network to intercom system to inform us when one happens?? If so, WOW! Color me impressed!"
Freeman Across the Universe Trailer
- The first few seconds of the video.
Barney: I think you dropped this back in Black Mesa. *tosses Freeman a crowbar*Freeman: Right on, now just give me a ski mask and we're good to go.
- When Freeman is in Portal and looks through the portals:
"I don't understand. There's no known physics model for this. Unless...OH MY GOD! I'M TWO-DIMENSIONAL!"
- Freeman Neck Lifts a mook:
"Now I need you to listen to me very carefully. You are to address me as Doctor Freeman."
- The plasmid injection scene from BioShock.
"So these are drugs, right? Only one really fast way to find out." *inject* "Ahhhh..."
- Freeman faces down against a psychic monkey from System Shock, bouncing left and right like a matador.
(as if meeting his arch-nemesis) "So... we meet at last...!"
- Freeman's encounter with the "Galactic Stoner".
- Gordon comes across a scientist's corpse and assumes he must have killed himself. He hopes the scientist left some ammo behind.
Freeman: But it's hard to say. Knowing our staff, he probably missed a few times aiming for his head.
- When Gordon first walks into a room he suspects is the reactor, only to be greeted by several Alien Grunts, his response is humorous, along with the ensuing fight.
Freeman: IS YOUR NAME "REACTOR?!"
- Five words: Freeman hopped up on morphine.
"I'm a hero!"
- Even better is his discovery of said morphine:
(sees medkit next to a body in a massive pool of blood)Freeman: Oh my God. How did I not see this? Am I blind? This kit might have morphine.
- Freeman escaping the generator. Combined with the morphine trip-out, the entire endeavor is pure comedic gold.
- Freeman trying to ride an elevator up.
"Okay, where's the button? Oh, there is no button, it's on the outside. We design a lot of elevators like that." *presses button, nothing happens* Oh, I see, the button doesn't work. We design a lot like that, too."
- "Alright... I'm... ...Batman... (jump)"
- *to a guard* "Hey, listen. These monsters are interrupting my train of thought, so you need to talk to the administrator and tell him to stop it, alright? Just stop it. We've got enough monsters for at least nine weeks. This is total overkill."
- "Hey, this is just like Dirty Harry. The long range scene. No, wait, it was one of the sequels. That's my favorite Dirty Harry movie, the one where he guns down the giant monster with the tentacle arms." *shotguns an Alien Grunt* "Make my day, squid-face."
- "Where my lab at?"
- "Okay, I'm gonna test my theory like a true scientist...on drugs."
- Watching the G-man wander into the teleporter. Freeman thinks he's committing suicide.
- Gordon becoming increasingly bewildered at the presence of what he believes are miniature suns (actually teleporters) hanging around in the labs. Initially he believes that they must have invented cold-fusion, but then disregards this theory on the basis that if they had, he'd be working on it. Finally he decides that they are holograms used as part of Black Mesa's clever marketing scheme to get funding, and walks into a few to prove it.
- Just a heads up: this and the next episode take place in the Half Life demo "Half Life: Uplink". Carry on.
- Freeman breaks into a vending machine to get free soda. Then it starts sparking wildly and then explodes.
"This is bad soda! I'm not drinking that!"
- Freeman's deadpan reaction to an entirely useless guard.
Guard: I bet you're glad I've got this old sidearm with me, don't ya?
Freeman: You didn't fire a single shot. Are you being serious, sir? Yeah, my hero.
- The AI is even dumber, not that Freeman is complaining.
Freeman: Yes! Run towards my gunshots. You have no idea how much that helps me.
- Freeman theorizing about why the soldiers keep killing each other:
Freeman: So option one is this is a cover-up, and the troops are being covered up, too. Like one out of every five troops is secretly a merc, and his job is to kill the other troops. Then they'll the bomb the place to kill the mercs, then they'll kill the bomber pilot, and then write this all up as a... plane accident. Why not?
Freeman: So option two is everybody's on drugs. Combat time is drug time! Shoot anybody you want. It's cool: he's high, too! Get high before you die! That's my favorite theory.
- Freeman thinks about stuffing a zombie into his suit and shoving into the path of the military, believing they'd be dumb enough to fall for that.
- One soldier was walking a bit too casually in the middle of a warzone, and Freeman comes to the conclusion that he must have been listening to very loud music with his eyes closed.
- Freeman flips out when he winds up in the room with the Gargantua, ranting about how no one will know how awesome he is.
- Freeman shooting a scientist in the face right when the episode starts. It's so abrupt it's hilarious. Then he shoots at the feet of the other two to make them dance, before declaring that they're terrible at it.
- Freeman's rage at discovering that the Lambda team has working teleporters, making the work his department was doing effectively pointless.
- When Freeman teleports back to the room with the aforementioned scientists, he's no less pissed off at them.
Freeman: (fires gun) SHUT THE FUCK UP!
- YMMV, but there's this sequence of events combined with Freeman's dialouge:
Freeman: (observing the Supply B-301 Door, which is behind some fallen girders) Is this a real door? We will never know. (turns around, sees a trio of headcrabs approaching) Ah, my entourage. (pulls out gun) You're late. (kills them) I have no tolerance for tardiness. (shoots at one of the dead headcrabs some more) Unless it's me. And you are so obviously not me. (notices a dead scientist) Sleeping on the job, huh? Well, I'm not your boss. Carry on.
- Freeman after getting the long jump module:
Freeman: (to a scientist) Man, I could tackle you SO HARD.
- Freeman describes the room with dangerous rotating platforms over a pit of radioactive waste as "Frogger from Hell".
- A scientist says Freeman is The Only One who can defeat the aliens because he knows more than anyone else about them. Freeman shrugs and says "You just have to shoot them."
- The Post Credits Scene has Freeman popping into a wormhole made of blood and immediately screaming.
- For once, everything that can go right for Freeman does go right. Instead of being transported to Xen, he ends up in a forest (presumably in Massachusetts) with no soldiers or aliens to worry about. As he begins to worry about finding food, he finds a jeep outside a ranger station with a full tank of gas (and an extra can in case he runs out) and the keys in the ignition. He promptly drives off to pawn off his weapons and start a new life.
Freeman: That's it! I WIN!
- Before finding the jeep, Freeman considers starting a forest fire to make people come to him. He only decides against it because the conditions are too damp.
- "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY! I'M A POLITICAL REFUGEE!"
- Somehow an alien structure with hostile life forms, a large amount of water in the main room and completely isolated in a void is only the second worst apartment Freeman's ever lived in.
- At this point, it's safe to say Freeman has finally snapped now that he's trapped on an alien world with no way back. The episode starts with him screaming, hyper-ventilating, and contemplating suicide. It should be horrifying, but it's actually funny.
- "FUCK YOU, REALITY! YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT!"
- Freeman yelling the noises the Gonarch makes back at it.
- After the first round with the Gonarch, he sneaks up behind it and lays half a dozen satchel charges right under it. The explosives just make it angry. Gordon doesn't take it well.
Freeman: What's happening!? Nothing's immune to explosives! Is this a god? Am I fighting GOD!? IS THIS WHAT GOD LOOKS LIKE!?
- Freeman smacking his head on the roof twice after using the alien jump pad.
- Freeman while fighting the Gonarch:
Freeman: I don't like where this is going, I'll eventually run out of ammo. BUT YOU'LL NEVER RUN OUT OF BEING AN ALIEN!
- Freeman yet again contemplates making another alien cavern an apartment, and he wonders what he would have done to avoid this. What he muses up is hard to argue with, yet is hilarious.
Freeman: I mean, what was I suppose to do? Turn down Black Mesa? Oh, yeah! I'll just go work at ANOTHER well-funded facility looking for PURE physics work--theoretical, no less.
- Freeman's reaction to the room with poison gas.
Freeman: Well, the shower fucking sucks...
- The way he manages to stay on the pillar elevator with its ridiculously small standing surface.
Freeman: I should be on a pedestal, but metaphorically, damnit!
- Freeman meets the first aliens to not attack him. His response?
Freeman: You are doing everything right, for someone who wants to live.
- Freeman's reaction to the Gargantua.
- Dealing with the Green Tentacles again
Freeman: (having just tossed a grenade near the alien) Yeah, what's that? What's that? (explosion) It's amazing, that's what it is!
- In the previous episodes, Freeman theorizes that he is going from one version of Hell to the next with each teleportation, getting worse as he goes. At the end of episode 65, he thought that the teleporter would take him to a room filled with bees. At the start of this episode, he exits the teleporter buzzing like a bee, evidently in an attempt to blend in, and appears genuinely baffled when he finds there are no bees to greet him.
- Freeman touches a forcefield.
- After being shocked by a vort, Freeman can take it no more.
Freeman: RRGH! THAT IS IT! I'M GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF GETTING SHOCKED WITH ELECTRICITY OVER AND OVER! EVEN ON MY WORST DATES I NEVER GOT SHOCKED THIS MUCH!
- His subsequent trigger-happy rampage is just entertaining.
Freeman: STEP RIGHT UP! (launches several grenades from grenade launcher at some alien grunts) NICE CATCH! (launches another grenade and then fires a few SMG rounds) NOW DON'T CROWD! (Hit by hivehand round) AHH! (takes cover and reloads before firing a grenade round) THIS MUST BE THE MEAT STORAGE FACILITY! DON'T WORRY WE'LL FILL IT UP!
- His subsequent trigger-happy rampage is just entertaining.
- Freeman throwing a "pit party".
- Freeman encounters two openings in a tunnel which look like nostrils;
Freeman: This is just a giant pair of nostrils... so that means I'm about to enter the moustache... it's good to go in heavily armed.
- "Aliens, come out to plaaaayyy!"
- A second encounter with jack-in-the-box soldiers, this time with aliens.
- After talking for several episodes how the teleporter probably doesn't work properly and the researchers he's finding were probably killed by falling from the sky, you can see an unidentified body falling through the factory just short of 9 minutes in.
- At the final teleporter, you can hear the normal in-game chatter of the scientists...and Barney Calhoun complaining about not getting a cheeseburger.
- Freeman trying to figure out the reasons for the aliens' Schizo Tech and concludes that their society is just a mess before giving up thinking about it.
- The mental image produced by Freeman's description of the Alien Controllers' behavior: dogs with jetpacks that can shoot ball lightning from their paws.
- Freeman encounters the Nihilanth for the first time.
Freeman: (Heavy breathing) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- (cut to credits)
Episode 68 (finale)
- Immediately after the opening sequence:
- After that, his analysis of it.
- Freeman saying that his theory that reality is breaking down the longer he's alive is one he was hoping wasn't true, but is looking more and more likely because now he's fighting an Elder God.
- The alternate ending presented in the stinger, in which Gordon refuses the offer G-Man proposes to him, and gets teleported to a new location with tons and tons of enemies in G-Invasion which means they're all reskinned with a G-Man model onto their skeletons, while goofy-sounding background music plays. Gordon is very quick to change his mind and starts pleading to be able to take the other option.
Freeman: (facing a G-Man/Gonarch creature) DON'T EAT ME!!!
- "Hey, there's a light up there. Is someone signalling me? I think it's Morse for 'Yabadabadablabadablabadaba'."
- The credits at the end are just stupid comments on the episodes made by five year olds alongside behind the scenes footage of all the weird errors that occurred while filming the series.
- The sheer length of "What game is this" comments is staggering.
- Closely followed by a list of comments people who not only don't know what game it is (which is mind-blowing enough, but, well, the game's name isn't mentioned in the video titles, after all) but also completely fail to grasp the point of the entire series, and question whether Freeman's thoughts are part of the game.
- There is also a lengthy list of comments saying that Ross' voice sounds like other people like Will Ferrel, Ray Romano, or the pig from Toy Story.
- The sheer length of "What game is this" comments is staggering.
- The last words Freeman gives before going into the portal.
Freeman: Seriously, I want Hawaii. And I'm a physicist. I'm done being shot at. You understand that, right?
The G-Man: It's time to choose.
Freeman: You're threatening me, you took my weapons, and you're a fucking Time Lord. This is bullshit.
- Not to mention that the only reason Gordon accepts is because he thinks the G-Man is a CIA Agent who can grant him a pardon.
- The first thing that happens in Half-Life 2 is Gordon screaming at the G-Man to get out of his face. He later comments that he thinks the G-Man is a sexual predator.
Freeman: YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE PAINT!
- Gordon describing the Breencasts as "Max Headroom for old people." Then, after listening to it for a bit, and still thinking he's in Hawaii, he concludes that it's a time-share infomercial.
- Freeman is predictably delighted to see a Vortigaunt in chains and pushing a broom, and goes from wondering why there's so much trash in "Hawaii" to assuming that all the people are deliberately making a mess for the alien to clean up.
- When Gordon is brought into the interrogation room, he confuses it for a dentist's office, since while there is blood around the chair there are no restraints on it to stop the torture victim from fighting back. When he thinks the officer (who is actually Barney in disguise) is going to torture him, he grabs a lamp and plans on Obfuscating Stupidity before bashing the officer as hard as he can.
- Freeman, still not having a clue what has happened to the world, being completely oblivious to what Barney is talking about in the interrogation room.
- Freeman throwing the can into the trash from a ridiculous distance, and commenting that he used to be the king of can throwing back in college.
Freeman: I got my degree under the tutelage of Dr. Pepper.
- Not to mention the fact he never even noticed the officer was trying to bully him in the process. He simply thought his can-shot skills were that famous.
- Freeman decides he needs to "hustle" his way out of his situation.
Freeman: Ay gurl, how you doin'?
Female Citizen: If I talk to you out here, we'll both be in trouble.
Freeman: What the hell?! What's going on? Desperate women love me!
- Freeman not knowing who the hell Barney is. What makes this funny is that Barney's Mind, which Episode 67 of the first season confirmed was in-continuity, would have Barney often talk about how good friends he is with Gordon. Ross is basically confirming that the friendship is very one-sided.
- The mere fact that Ross Scott released this on April Fool's Day. Almost everyone clicking on it would have expected anything but what the title promised.
- During the police raid, when some of the residents start fleeing, Gordon doesn't even look back to see why and just starts following them.
Gordon: Hey, you know what? When people are screaming and running one direction, I find it's best to just not question that and just assume they have more current information than I do. I don't like learning things the hard way, but I love letting other people learn the hard way for me!
- Much like in the events of Black Mesa, Gordon hasn't quite cottoned onto the situation. He assumes multiple people living in barren apartments with no doors are part of some weird commune rather than living in a dystopia.
- Gordon still has a pretty high opinion of himself.
Civilian: Was that you knocking?
Freeman: No, this is me rocking.
- Gordon doesn't exactly hit it off with Alyx Vance.
Alyx: A man of few words, aren't you?
Freeman: Listen, smartass, I don't... [she walks off] Oh, okay, well fuck you, then. Yeah I talk a lot, but that's because I get things done.
- We discover that there's someone even Gordon won't mess around with. Isaac Kleiner. We're given a very good idea as to why our protagonist respects him.
- When Lamarr first shows up and attacks Barney, Freeman thinks that Kleiner has purposely unleashed a headcrab onto Barney to kill him. He finds that completely unconcerning.
Gordon: Kleiner, this is dark. [shrugs] But, your lab, your rules. If you wanna kill your assistant, I'm not gonna stop you.
- Freeman's indifference towards Barney turns to pure hatred over the course of the episode, and it's hilarious. Especially when Barney insults Gordon's MIT education.
Barney: Good job, Gordon. Throwing that switch and all. I can see your MIT education really pays for itself!
Gordon: And what are you, a middle-aged high school drop out? I'm a doctor, shitmunch, my research went into this! Not that you'd understand! If I find a dog toy for you to chew on I'll be sure to bring it to you!...Taking shit from a guard. No wonder Kleiner doesn't mind killing you.
- Freeman happily sends Alyx through the teleporter even though he thinks she won't make it, even letting out a little Evil Laugh.
Gordon: This is gonna be like one of those dunking booths at the fair, except instead of dunking you in water, you're gonna get dunked out of existence.
- In fact, the prospect of her not making it only seems to enhance his enjoyment. The more dangerous the experiment, the better the show for Gordon, it seems.
Kleiner: Gordon, would you mind... plugging us in?
Gordon: Not in the slightest. You realize if the voltage is so high to blow the plug out of the wall, this can't be anywhere close to stable. [picks up plug, electricity arcs between the plug and the wall, Gordon sounds very excited] Ohhh! Look at that arcing!
- And when Alyx does make it out the other end of the teleporter alive and in one piece, Gordon's only reaction is an extremely indifferent, "Oh. Bonus."
- In fact, the prospect of her not making it only seems to enhance his enjoyment. The more dangerous the experiment, the better the show for Gordon, it seems.
- When Lamarr screws up the teleporter, Gordon's initial reaction is one of annoyance instead of panic. It's as if, by this point, he fully expects the worst to happen.
- When Gordon is randomly popping around during the Teleporter Accident, he keeps trying to warn Dr. Vance and the others about the Vortigaunt standing right behind them (not knowing that they're allies at that point). And then there's his reaction when he appears in Breen's office.
Breen: What is the meaning of this?! Who are you?!
Freeman: Who are you?!
Breen: How did you get in here?!
Freeman: I don't know!
- Meta joke: Ross announced this episode on Twitter as "Freeman's Mind 2: Episode 2: Part 1."
- Kleiner roping Gordon into things has apparently happened before.
Gordon: You know what the problem is, I just got Kleiner'd. I have a hundred questions I need answered, I need supplies, but instead he distracted me, got me excited about his experiment, then almost got me killed. Again. And now the experiment's done, I'm out the door. Damnit, Kleiner!
- Freeman considers trying to be nonchalant when trying to get past a cop.
Gordon: Hi, Officer. I'm just a goon in body armor holding a fucking crowbar. Nothing suspicious here!
- Freeman gets spooked by some pigeons.
Gordon: [shoots at them] Oh, wait. Pigeons aren't cops. That's just a comic book or... something.
- Freeman's utter befuddlement when he sees a cop rolling a burning oil drum down the stairs at him.
Gordon: What's happening?! Did he just pour burning oil on me?! Is this the Middle Ages?! Is this a siege?! Do they think I'm trying to siege the rail line?! Is that why they're fighting to the death?! Do they think I'm trying to conquer their homelands?!
- His utter exasperation with Civil Protection in general is a point of hilarity, yelling at them much more often than he did with any of the military and berating them for everything, including the fact they just fire at him as soon as they spot him without actually aiming at all.
"These Charles Bronson motherfuckers aren't giving up, are they!?"
- Freeman tries to figure out the equation of survival:
Gordon: This is a math problem. If I stay here, I die. If I'm somewhere else, I may or may not die. Therefore, everyone else must die to maximize my probably of me not dying. Ok, I'm jumping ahead some steps on the logic, but I'll figure out the proof later.
- After seeing a train plow through a couple of Civil Protection officers without even slowing down, Freeman assumes that "keeping the trains running on time" is taken to new levels in this society.
Gordon: I may be Public Enemy #1, but all that pales compared to keeping the train schedule. Arrival times are the word of God here.
- Gordon figures he's being hunted because the cops think he's the head of the cult from the second episode.
- Freeman GUNNING DOWN THE FUCKING VORTIGAUNT IN THE TRAIN CAR. Apparently Ross has been doing some custom script editing for this series.
- Following this, when the guy in the train car pulls a gun on Freeman and demands he leave, Freeman is completely mystified on why he's angry at saving his life (neither knowing nor caring that the Vortigaunts are on the humans' side), finally reaching the conclusion that the alien was the guy's slave.
- Freeman picturing Manhacks as being a bunch of machete-wielding Robby the Robots advancing slowly towards people while making chopping motions.
Gordon: That would look scary, if avoidable.
- Freeman going off on a tangent about whether the Civil Protection agents could have killed him with the explosive barrels if he had taken refuge in the water. He's more angry that he doesn't know all the factors involved in determining if the underwater shockwave would have been lethal than that he nearly died.
- This leads into another tangent later as he starts wondering why explosive barrels even exist since it would take an incredibly precise fume-to-liquid ratio to achieve such results. He finally decides they were specifically designed just so the cops could kill people more efficiently.
- Freeman begins the episode by predicting that movies with aliens in the future aren't going to be as happy as movies in the past.
Gordon: This is gonna change science fiction forever. There's not gonna be anymore E.T. or My Favorite Martian. People won't understand. E.T. won't be phoning home. He'll be waiting for you in a dark tunnel, ready to strangle you while he literally eats you alive. If you're lucky, he'll snap your neck first. People of the future will understand that.
- Gordon genuinely can't tell whether Barney is a colossal idiot, or a Magnificent Bastard who is Obfuscating Stupidity in order to deliberately get Gordon killed.
Gordon: [imitating Barney's voice] "Yeah, Gordon, take the canals, right? Then the police can shoot at you from above while you're trying to swim, and completely surround you without getting caught in the crossfire!" [normal voice] See, that's his brilliance. Even now I don't know if he is just that dumb, or if I fell right into his trap. Incompetence can be really hard to distinguish from malice.
- For the above reason, Freeman contemplates killing Barney the next time he sees him, just in case. But he decides against it because Kleiner would never forgive him... for killing a perfectly good assistant without having a replacement lined up already.
Gordon: Fuck Barney, this is the worst possible route!
- Freeman takes one page from civil protection's book and throw barrels at Barnacles, calling it Donkey Kong warfare.
- While Gordon getting caught by Barnacles and almost dying is an unsettling bit, the following trauma can be darkly hilarious.
Gordon: I am legit traumatized. I don't even want to eat spaghetti anymore...
- Freeman ranting a the end of the episode how sick he is of saying things could be worse.
Freeman: I mean yeah, I could be dead, that's worse. That's a nice low bar for us to judge things by. Fuck.
- Freeman theorizes that the helicopter is being piloted by Barney.
- "Hey, over here! I'm a lightning bug!"
- Freeman describes Manhacks as "redneck technology."
- His amused reaction when a chain-link fence stops them.
Gordon: I'm gonna close the door, that will send them back to the writing board.
- His amused reaction when a chain-link fence stops them.
- A refugee offers supplies to Freeman, and he accepts, only to find that all he has are bullets and empty boxes. He then accuses him of being high, but opts to go easy on him because he believes he's having a bad trip.
- Also, the fact that Gordon opens every box except the clearly marked boxes of supplies before getting mad at the refugee for having no supplies (although there would have only been more bullets in those boxes anyway).
- Freeman encounters a Manhack in a vent.
Gordon: MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!
- After Freeman kills a Combine that rappels down into the sewer.
Gordon: "No, Gordon. People aren't flying down from the sky to come kill you like some sort of fallen angel. You're just being paranoid."
- The most dangerous foe Gordon has encountered yet: A paparazzi bot. It blinds him with its first picture, causing him to fall back into the water he climbed out of, and then blinds him again while he's still reeling.
- He later posits that an AI is controlling the various robots and dispatching cops whenever it spots a suspect. That's why the police are so fast to respond to Gordon but are so incompetent at actually stopping him.
- Gordon overhears a couple of Metrocops excited about tacos.
- Then upon encountering a truck of explosive barrels guarded by some cops:
Gordon: Oh shit, it's the taco truck! (begins rolling off an order while shooting at the cops)
- Then upon encountering a truck of explosive barrels guarded by some cops:
- Gordon figures the Manhacks were probably just released into the city so the creators could see what happened; that's why there are no cats or dogs.