Hunger Games Simulation: Beyond the Possibilities

Kafka's internet is acting up, so Kablam will be backup host.

Welcome, one and all, to the one hundred and forty-second season of the Hunger Games Simulation! As per usual, I am your host, Leonard Sutton.

This is a season many nominators will be watching with bated breath - the last season before our next Battle Royale. For some of our nominators, this is their last chance to have a competitor for this grandest of bouts. Others will see it as a chance to add one more recruit to an existing army of podium finishers. Whatever the case, there is much at stake - so are you ready?

Our competitors◊. A surreal bunch, as per usual.

THE BLOODBATH◊

• And immediately we have a casualty! Envoy Rustwix is expelled by the Gamemakers for excessive property damage. That Cornucopia was expensive, you know.
• Experiment 086, aka "Clink", is mostly known as a living storage container. If he is to be believed, however, he's somehow the fastest tribute in these Games. Let's see how long he can outrun death for...
• Touko Fukawa is acting a lot more like her alternate personality right now. Hell Warden Emma is suitably unnerved.
• Lord Shen is impressed by how far firearms technology has come in the centuries since his defeat... but Diana Cavendish uses a spell to whisk away the fancy modern gun he claimed. He's forced to settle for a trident.
• Cirno finds a very different kind of shooting game to the one she's used to, and becomes entranced.
• Daniel isn't used to being able to fight back against his foes. A simple lead pipe is enough to send him on a massive power trip, and he bludgeons Alexis to death in cold blood.
• Sphinx Pharoah doesn't need weapons, given his power set. He instead takes something to tend to any wounds he suffers.
• Snap realises to his horror that Rudy is no longer there to draw him whatever he needs. He resorts to cheat codes in a desperate attempt to be a contender.
• Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise? Except he's not too wise after all, if his decision to sample suspicious condiments lying around the Arena is indicative of anything.
• A wild Draco Malfoy appeared! Eevee used Tackle! But it missed...
• Well, well, well, what's this? One of our very own nominators is joining the fray, and it's not even the Nominator Games! And what's more, it would appear Nominator Kafka has equipped himself with numerous cybernetic upgrades to boost his chances of victory.
• Joseph Manfredi knows as a Mafia boss that, if you wish to succeed in a violent line of work, you gotta know how to plan ahead.
• Howie Honeyglow has incredible strength and stamina... but it'll do him a fat lot of good without a license to kill. Wait, what's that in the Cornucopia? Wouldn't you know it, it's a license to kill! What luck.
• Tap-Tap the Red Nose graduates from "walking slowly and occasionally leaping in a predictable arc" to "running".
• Another Yoshi's Island boss, Roger the Potted Ghost, learns the HGS's eternal lesson - never tempt fate.
• Grinexx turns out to have a surprising aptitude for sculpting.
• There are many words you'd normally associate with George Costanza. "Athletic" is not one of them. And yet, here we are.
• Fun fact: if I recall correctly there was a character in Sonichu called Simonchu. They were a knockoff of the Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann character, even!
• Luckysoul Hoarder considers hoarding Italian food for a change.
• Many Tanakas. One mind. Zero desire to attend the Feast later.
• Emma dies in a fatal accident involving the numerous lethal implements in the Cornucopia, after one of our newer nominators fails to take the "don't tempt fate" lesson into account.
• Mr. Crocker rushes out immediately, having heard one of the FAIRY GODPARENTS!!!! awaits him should he make it to the Battle Royale. But in his blind fixation, he doesn't notice the lurking Vampire Squid, and is fatally drained of all his blood.
• Lumen Celeritas mocks the Cornucopia's battered state after what Rustwix did to it. The Cornucopia responds angrily, and Lumen is forced to flee.
• Kazuya Minegishi is too cool to run away like a normal tribute.
• Sebastian Castellanos is saddled with a system that, given his Dark and Troubled Past, isn't likely to have good results.
• Darth Sidious is here, apparently as an uninvited guest nobody particularly wanted to see. You know, like in Rise of Skywalker.
• Klink could have just used one of its Pokemon attacks on Lesser Demon Cat, but it decides to be all fancy and wield a golden mallet instead. The results are predictably underwhelming.
• Chihiro Fujisaki panics and tries to run before the horn has sounded. BOOM! And that, children, is why patience is a virtue.
• Last but not least, the master list of cowards - Dongorongo; Kai; Flandre Scarlet; Byakuya Togami; Horou Torisumi^note From the Touhou fangame Hollow Song of Birds; the Viperfish; Mortimer Mouse; Master Crane; Skrawl; Carlton Banks.

DAY ONE◊

• Calamar Vampiro no habla Inglés.
• Holly forms an archaeological team alongside Thrivey, Sphinx Pharaoh and... hm. We can't get a clear read on which universe this "Vanessa Voss" is from; all we have is a cryptic note from Nominator Kafka, where he calls her "a character near and dear to my heart". I suppose he'll be glad to know she's enjoying herself, then.
• Mortimer also tries to get in on the archaeology trend. But without a trained scientist to guide him, he accidentally triggers an explosive ancient booby trap. Rest in pieces.
• Of course they won, it's like sixteen against one! I'm pretty sure this is against the rules of karate.
• Snap draws Kazuya looking basically the same as he usually does, and Sebastian looking very different.
• Gasp! What a vile deed Tap-Tap just committed! Why, I do believe this season has its villain already!
• Darth Sidious tries to tempt Eevee to the Dark Side. The Evolution Pokemon retorts "vee eevee vee!", which I am informed translates to "shut up, you turtle-faced asshole!"
• Cirno is naive enough to think a delicious steak will instantly cure any tributes who may end up with severe emotional trauma.
• Simon, fittingly, likes Minecraft. Shame he's the kind of twisted player who wails on the Villagers for kicks.
• A mere viperfish turns out to be a master potato peeler. It can even give the potato eye-catching rainbow wing extensions!
• To his horror, Crane discovers Po is working with the Gamemakers this season. This... actually, it doesn't explain much of anything, but hey, I'm always down to meet a celebrity!
• George wonders how a sitcom character is supposed to survive a death game like this. Lumen's advice? Trust a ghost in a potted plant. Yes.
• Do Klink even need to eat? What does a sentient mass of gears' anatomy even look like? Questions, questions.
• Not only was Flandre converted into a vampire when she was still a child, she was subsequently forced to... solve maths problems. Shock, horror. Darth Plagueis feigns sympathy.
• Emma and the Lesser Demon Cat have an extensive discussion on Carlton, during which they demonstrate, as Battle Cats, a questionable grasp of human biology. Diana overhears them and, infuriated by their idiocy, gives them a long lecture on the nature of humans.
• After he survives an attack by Clink, Skrawl assimilates the Experiment's power to store things within his body.
• Do what you want 'cuz a pirate is free...
• Joseph complains about the Arena's reliance on Snowclone Soldiers. One overhears him, takes offense and leaves the mob boss sleeping with the fishes.
• RULES OF NATUUUUUURE
• Shen discovers time travel. His immediate uses for it are... surprisingly petty.
• I'd turn this into a joke about a notoriously hard Danganronpa trial, buuuuut I've never played Danganronpa.
• Normally, Dongorongo's the one dropping loot when a wandering human defeats it. This must feel like a nice change of pace.
• Luckysoul Hoarder trips out on a potent mix of coffee and pizza.

FALLEN TRIBUTES◊: Envoy Rustwix, Alexis, Emma, Crocker, Chihiro, Mortimer, Joseph

So far so good!

RIP Chihiro.

I do wonder if the Three Rich Assholes of this season (Draco, Diana and Byakuya) will ever actually interact...

Simple, Klink mashed the cereal with its gears.

Edited by TroperNo9001 on Jan 30th 2021 at 1:12:59 AM

Should've used your magic in that match, Draco.

Uh. Now that I think about it Palpatine's face does looks a bit like Grinexx

Kazuya is from Devil Survivor, not Devil Summoner. Other than that, good start.

NIGHT ONE◊

•    "I'm absolutely not a bad guy! All this Sickly Green Glow is just a neat aesthetic, you know?"    "Okay I believe you"
• From humble Mook to a fearless warrior who fancies their chances in a nineteen-versus-one brawl. And Villager survives, so maybe their confidence is justified.
• Vampire Squid has a good laugh at an action figure of "Touch the Red Nose".
• The revelation that Po is complicit in his suffering has sent Crane into a spiral of depression.
• Horou has fond memories of that time she stopped time itself for all of Gensokyo.
• Hey, Ridley made it eventually! Don't lose hope just yet!
• Ah, yes, the Imperial March. Definitely the first thing that comes to mind when I think of calming music.
• ...yeah, I got nothing. Is this supposed to be a metaphor for the tribute's short lifespan? Because you're not killing Diana right now, so it kind of falls flat.
• Tsk, tsk. If you didn't learn your lesson about tempting fate the first time, then you frankly had this coming.
• Beer! The ideal way to forget your issues, such as being trapped in the Hunger Games against your will.
• Holly should stick to the sciences.
• Welcome to The Byakuya Togami Show! It's basically Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous with excessive violence.
• A Viperfish bites Flandre in the stomach, for reasons unknown. She survives, but the fish has somehow drained most of her considerable power.
• Kafka attempts to slay Kazuya with one of the cybernetic tools he came packing - an Oversized Domino Generator! Pity he forgot to pack a Gravity Manipulator, so as to ensure his own domino wouldn't fall on him. Splat.
• Daniel, wielding his lead pipe and a sense of terrible purpose, threatens Simon. Simon, unphased, pulls a gun. Woop - there goes all Daniel's newfound confidence as he runs in terror.
• It's not his fault! Clearly the bird's a filthy Muggle sympathiser!
• Google Translate leaves Touko insulting relatively obscure Nicktoon characters out of nowhere.
• Ee-ve-veeeee~
• Luckysoal Hoarder hoards profanity. Skrawl hoards unusual methods of censorship.
• "Reverse fork repellant" is a fancy way to say "magnet".
• Lumen encounters a deep, dark, dingy forest... which is their natural habitat, so it doesn't faze them whatsoever.

DAY TWO◊

• Tap-Tap spears a fish using the spikes on his body.
• Klink discovers the remnants of the Data Cloned Toriel, revives her, and goes through the rest of the season with Goat Mom at their side.
• Cheating, eh? What a right melon Thrivey is. *rimshot*
• ...you are far bigger than him, Skrawl.
• The Gamemakers occasionally insert corpse-like lifesize dolls of the Tributes into the Arena. It's a fun way to keep everyone on their toes, they say, never knowing who's really died and who's a replica. I say it's proof some of the people in that HQ simply aren't right in the head.
• T-T-T-TRIBUTE BETRAYAL... of sorts.
• These are some heady concepts for a creature with a brain a few square centimetres large.
• As they wander the forest, feeling quite at home, Lumen stumbles into a cobra trap set by Lord Shen. They survive, but with severe injuries, including venom-induced brain damage.
• (sighs and waits for the Snow Death Counter to appear)
• Behold the power of Simon's Stand,「Going Underground」!
• I don't think Daniel had much sanity left to lose at this point... but the pun was there, so whatever.
• Luckysoul Hoarder hoards carrots. A buncha them, which are munchy, and crunchy. He also appears to be hoarding ego.
• Vanessa humiliates Diana in a magical brawl, but spares the witch's life, taking only a bit of cash as her reward for victory.
• Malfoy botches some kind of time spell. We can't tell you what happened in the now-missing period, but the Tanakas and Kazuya look content about it.
• More low-key tribute betrayal! And further proof that the Sith's worst enemies have always been each other.
• "'Least I work. Whadda you do, stand around trading diamonds with ten-year-olds?"
• Our audience surveys suggest opinions on Sebastian are... very poor. Like, Jesus, give the man a break.
• Crane finds a book about the seamy side of life in Gongmen City, while loud French house music plays in the background.
• A fitting Seinfeld quote:

• ...what hair?
• The Viperfish is at it again, giving Holly the old "kill or die" choice. But they chicken out of going through with their threats when Holly refuses to kill Horou. Everyone leaves alive.
• Kai and Flandre know what they're gonna do today - cause ridiculous amounts of destruction!

FALLEN TRIBUTES◊: Roger, Kafka

Soon enough, Darth Sidious and Darth Plagueis would fight each other.

I wouldn't watch that show. Sounds boring and vapid.

And yay Touko got involved in a funny translation event inspired by a Stray Kids thing.

Sucks to be a Steel-type, Klink...

Alien hunting is something I can see George begrudgingly ok with being roped into, but it would really be great for Kramer to do it instead.

Dammit, could've nominated him instead of Kazuya. Oh well.

Oof... To top it off my tributes aren't even in the same timeline so that's something they're related

God damnit me I had to get my tribute killed. At least Simon is still alive.

NIGHT TWO◊

• Sebastian displays abilities more befitting of Ruvik, killing the Lesser Demon Cat by possessing its own club.
• Kazuya finds a genie. He gets three wishes. He wishes for the ability to summon genies with his COMP. Infinite wishes without having to directly ask for them!
• Darth Sidious's eardrums rupture as he is assailed by sixteen different theme songs at once.
• Diana has been a total disappointment to Nominator Ichi so far.
• Thrivey forgets that Minecraft doesn't have a fast travel mechanic.
• Byakuya is transported to The Mexican Land of the Dead... and then promptly shoved back into the realm of the living when the spirits grow tired of his arrogance.
• Luckysoul Hoarder pulls a magic carpet from his hoard, and shows the Gear Pokemon a whole new world.
• Okay, but when was the last time a bowl of gelato saved the world?
• No! Bad Dongorongo! Time travel shenanigans are Ocarina of Time's deal!
• Darth Plagueis hatches a sinister plot to poison Touko over dinner. But he wasn't counting on Genocide Jill, who switches their plates when he isn't looking. Once again, Plagueis cannot stave off his own death.
• You fought Kai before, Crane. Have you really forgotten what he looks like again this fast? He won't like that...
• Welcome to the Costanza Zoo! Otherwise known as "a pit full of wild animals with a sign calling it a zoo placed outside". Cirno, Daniel and the Viperfish are all dumb enough to fall for it. Man, how embarrassing must it be to get outwitted by George Costanza?
• Grinexx used Air Hug! It doesn't affect Eevee...
• Whatever Sphinx Pharoah has liked on Youtube, it's so awful even a genocidal maniac is squicked out by it. Concerning.
• First Snap hallucinated that he had hair. Now he's hallucinating a return to the safety of the Chalkzone. Some tributes handle the Games better than others...
• These tributes are strange, to be sure. Not to mention how they're all ultimately out to kill him. But Carlton still thinks being around them is vastly preferable to having to spend time with Will Smith.
• It's... because they both have white hair, I guess?
• Flandre's attacks harmlessly glance off of Simon. Shopkeeper nothing, her power simply did not return when the Viperfish died.
• After his magic proved unable to overcome Muggle martial arts earlier, Malfoy has taken to practicing his acrobatics.
• Vanessa is a pyromancer. A useful skillset, until you have to break something that's nearly completely heatproof. Such as diamond.
• Howie receives a sponsor package full of his favourite food - screws dipped in honey!
• Wait. Since technically he was beaten by himself, does this mean Skrawl is really good or really bad?

DAY THREE◊

• Sphinx Pharaoh is getting homesick. There's been a lot of angst already, hasn't there?
• Shen, Sebastian and Emma are having a relaxing rooftop swim... until Tap-Tap joins in, and his weight sends the entire building crumbling. No casualties, miraculously.
• Eevee tries to encourage Horou with a motivational song - but alack and alas! She can't understand Pokemon!
• Holly shows Lumen her latest invention. An automated spine remover. And they're the test subject.
• A baseball match between Touko and Klink is cancelled when it's noticed that Klink lacks arms, or appendages or any sort.
• Crane has completely lost it, and can now communicate only via hip-wiggling. Malfoy, apparently considering mastery of mystical kung fu close enough to wizardry for his taste, humours him.
• George's Gore Tex jacket fails to protect him from hostile animatronics.
• The members of Team Tanaka ruin the other tribute's Discord call by yelling loud curses over each other, resulting in a mass server ban.
• Clink lectures Flandre on the benefits of preserving things rather than destroying them. Flandre pays him no attention whatsoever.
• An ancient curse threatens to return Kai to the grave from whence he came, but he overcomes it with ease.
• Anything can become anything if you whack it with a wrench hard enough. Just ask Engineer.
• Carlton storms the Vampire Squid's camp, which has a fitting "Dracula's castle" theme going on. Somehow, the prep from Bel Air fends off the Squid's feline security detail.
• Diana cancels a Tribute dance party and reminds them they're supposed to be killing each other. No wonder nobody likes her.
• Thrivey just hasn't had much luck with cubes lately.
• Vanessa has become the head of the Arena's black market, on the grounds that she much prefers this to having to kill people herself. Skrawl tries to undermine her criminal empire, but falls in love with the skulduggery of the job.

FALLEN TRIBUTES◊: Lesser Demon Cat, Darth Plagueis, Viperfish, Cirno, Daniel, Lumen, Gore Tex George

Seems like my tributes are having a good time.

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise? There was one lesson he learned too late: never go in against someone with a psychopathic Split Personality when death is on the line.

Holly's going full on Mad Scientist in this I see.

Howie's been in some wack events here - or at least events with wacky narration.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GEORGE NO

Oof at how one of my tributes got eliminated

RIP Cirno. She died as she lived: Like an idiot.

Minor nitpick, but the way that poisoned dinner event was interpreted makes it look like a kill event when it's actually a natural death. So I'll make that an event next season to compensate: (Player1) tries to poison (Player2) during breakfast/dinner, but (Player2) secretly switches the goblets.

Anyway, Clink clearly had the cookie inside him! Clink sus!

NIGHT THREE◊

• Now Sebastian is hearing things! Will we have any sane tributes left by tomorrow?
• Holly and Thrivey exchange life advice, that is, advice on how to ensure your life in the Arena lasts as long as possible.
• We call their act "OH MY GOD RAINBOWS AND LASERS AND FORCE LIGHTNING AND A BIRD WHAT'S EVEN FUCKING HAPPENING"
• There is no food. You wait there, forever, and the ringing of the chalk bells slowly drives you mad. Mad as Snap, deprived of all he holds dear, trapped far from home...
• Diana uses a teleportation spell to - oh, Heavens! Our newest nominator! Drilled to death! And Nominator Ichi... oh, I feel ill-equipped to describe what has befallen him...
• The Villager is taught a new way to play basketball, one that involves magic and copious amounts of fire.
• The Elder Skrawls V: Skyrim
• Byakuya has no thoughts, his head is empty. Literally.
• Wait, if Touko is tracking her... shit. Might want to drop your phone and run, Emma.
• Dongorongo is the only Tribute here who seems capable of relaxing.
• Wait, no, Kazuya's getting some rest too. Albeit not by choice.
• Eevee used Milk Dri-ack! This isn't milk!
• And here I was thinking Howie prized honesty and fairness above all. The Arena does strange things to you.
• Tap-Tap mashes Carlton into extremely preppy chunky salsa. Clink, witnessing this, becomes so traumatised it develops extra seams on its body, allowing it to contort its form on top of its previous "living storage container" power.
• Vampire Squid - hm, wait... who's that at the door? It must be the butler with my late night cup of tea, it's usually around this time...
  • ...wait. There's no sign of anyone out there. What the blazes is-

(Mr. Sutton is abruptly cut off by a jade blade piercing him directly in the heart, live on television. He grunts, then falls over and lies still. In storms Kai the Collector, grinning the grin of a villain who has just triumphed.)

   Finally! Having to listen to that cretin mocking my domination of all these weaklings was giving me a headache! But never fear - Kai is here, ready to be a better host than he ever was! I'll have you remembering my name yet, Panem!   

   Your new and improved host welcomes you all to DAY FOUR!◊   

•    And the first thing we see is the little wizard boy, lamenting how the Arena forced him to play filthy Muggle sports yesterday. Aw, boo hoo! Maybe you should appreciate a chance to beat those "Muggles" at their own game, you little twerp!   
•    Improvised weaponry! Impressive. My army could do with one so resourceful...   
  •    Spoiler markup? Get out of here with that yak-crap, human! My text colour is too MAGNIFICENT for your spoiler markup to handle!   
•    And here we have the detective and the construction worker, trying to figure out why they lose. Psh! You wanna know the real reason you're destined to lose? Because you're up against KAI THE COLLECTOR, that's why!   
•    ...I got nothing. This is simply pathetic. I'll leave the drill boy alone, I'm sure he'll starve to death eventually.   
•    Hm! A synchronised dance like this... it must be some kind of ancient ritual - what is it, human?   
  •    ...and what on Earth is a "meme" when it's at home? If you're going to whimper advice in my ear, USE REAL WORDS! Now get out of my sight before I decide you'd make a pretty statue!   
•    O-oh. By the Gods in the Heavens above, that's vile. Even I would never wish this kind of horror on anyone.   
•    WRONG SITH LORD! IDIOT! Gods, the quality of villains has plummeted since my day!   
•    Rule number one of conquest! Never underestimate the enemy! That little village in the middle of nowhere could be the hideout of China's greatest kung fu masters! Or the witch who's supposedly never seen a games console in her life could have a natural aptitude for these bleeping metal boxes!   
•    Excellent decision, all of you. Altruism is a fool's game.   
•    I swear, every last one of these Tributes has the brainpower of a rice grain! THERE WAS A PUMP! RIGHT THERE! NEXT TO THE "BODY"! DO YOUR EYES FUNCTION?   
•    Ahaha! Now we're doing something interesting - what? "Broadcast television standards"? Grrrrrrh - fine, fine, but expect me to leak the real version of events here over your "Internet" someday!   
•    A six-Tribute society, devoted to discussion of how great I am! I think it's a great idea. And if the others value their lives, they will too.   
•    Enjoy that non-achievement, Crane! It's the best you'll get while I'm in this Arena with you!   
•    Ah, what a disappointing end to the day. Isn't this spiked thing supposed to be villainous? I doubt it could hurt a tumbleweed!   

   Prepare yourselves for the list of FAILURES who died on this day!   

We've said goodbye to...◊ Byakuya! Carlton! And the Vampire Squid!    There, I used a little of your ridiculous spoiler markup! Are you happy now, you worthless human nerds?