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Quotes / Stupid Crooks

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Nicholas Angel: YOU! When's your birthday?
Underage Drinker: Uh... 8th of May, nineteen....sixty...nine.
Angel: You're 37.
Underage Drinker: Yeah?
Angel: GET OUT.

The NF are far too stupid for that. They could stick a sawed-off shotgun up me arse, pull the trigger two times and still miss.
Gene Hunt, Life on Mars (2006)

Arthur: She stole that tie! It's the prefect crime: girls don't wear ties! Although some do; it's not a perfect crime, but it's a good crime.
Hobson: Yes; if she murdered the ties it would be the perfect crime.

Look, let's start with some tough love, alright? Ready for this? Here it goes: you two suck at peddling meth. Period.
Saul Goodman, Breaking Bad

Y'know, you assume that criminals are gonna be smarter than they are. I dunno...
Jimmy McGill, Better Call Saul

Sonny: Now you gotta understand something. If we leave the country, there's no going back here. You know what I mean? There's no going back, so if there's anybody you wanna talk to, you wanna say goodbye to, do it now.
Sal: No.
Sonny: Is there any special country you wanna go to?
Sal: Wyoming.

Charlie: This is great — just great! Now we don't know where the goddamn stuff is.
Wesley: He told us it's 'in the Buick.'
Charlie: We don't know which Buick, do we?
Wesley: Well, why'd you shoot him?
Charlie: I HAD to shoot him! It was the only decent thing to do after you scalped him!

Olivia: So shoot me. I forgot to get rid of the bullets.
Gregory: Unfortunately, 'darling,' they don't do it that way any longer; they use lethal injection!

Winston: Just make sure if you do need to buy sodding fertilizer, you could be a bit more subtle.
Willie: What do you mean?
Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah? And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist.

Most criminals are kind of dumb, which is why they're criminals. If they weren't criminals, they'd be doing something else to screw up people's lives, like running elections in Florida. The fact that Torrans had tried to hold up a gas station armed with only a pool ball in a sock indicated that he wasn't about to step up to the majors just yet. I'd heard rumors that he'd developed a taste for smack and OxyContin in recent months, and nothing will scramble a man's intelligence faster than the old "hillbilly heroin."

Jake: So, again, your alibi is: a mysterious stranger handed you the gun, made you put your prints on it, robbed the store... and then hid the gun in your underpants.
Suspect: Well, yeah, if you say it like that, it don't sound believable!

Spongebob: Alright, put the money in the bag! PUT IT IN!!
Teller: You're facing the wrong way, sir.
Spongebob: Bahahahaha! ALRIGHT, GIMME THE MONEY!!
Teller: Will that be from your savings or your checking account, sir?
Spongebob: Oh. Savings.

Real Life

Liddy never actually broke into the Watergate, but directed the operation from across the street. The rest of the plumbers were discovered as that CIA training failed them — one of them had left the tape they used to keep a lock open on the door and it was discovered by the security guard.
Rational Wiki on G. Gordon Liddy

Mike Danton, born Mike Jefferson, played hockey for the St. Louis Blues until 2004, when he tried to hire a police dispatcher to kill his agent. He probably couldn't have masterminded his own capture any better if he broke into a police station to film himself having sex with a rape kit.

It's worth noting that his first response to the news site that labeled him a pimp was to threaten to "come down there and slap the shit out everyone I see", which we admit doesn't at all sound like something a pimp would say.

That dumb scam artist spends years helping her even-dumber husband file phony forms and hiding cash, then tries to tip-toe out away from the scene of the crime by accepting a plea agreement, then ends up with a one-way ticket to the big house and starts blaming her lawyers for not explaining what a plea agreement was. I bet her lawyers could have tried explaining that shit using finger puppets and a song set to the tune of fucking Frère Jacques, and that delusional twat still wouldn’t be able to understand.
Michael K., "Teresa Giudice Blames Her Lawyers For Getting 15 Months In Jail"

By the way, the old clip of Joe Niekro trying to get away with scuffing baseballs remains a masterpiece of high comedy. I love that he thought he could get away with doing this on television, with people all around him, and his dopey emery board lying there in full view of everyone on the field of play. Only a baseball player would think that was a great plan. "No one will ever know!"
Drew Magary, "Sports Crimes Ranked"

Never once in the at least two dozen times I had watched Hudson Hawk did it occur to me that these supposed master thieves are actually the worst thieves to have ever thieved. If you're planning a heist and a fellow thief says you should all get some watches, and then you suggest singing a jaunty tune instead, they're taking away your thieves guild card, along with your guild health plan.

Let's recap: The studio you were going to rob was an undercover police operation, and you accidentally called the police you were about to rob, and it was while you were actively discussing robbing them. Life really doesn't want you guys to be criminals.

So, if I'm found innocent, does that mean I get to keep the stuff I took?
Accused Thief in Court, Not Always Legal


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