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- Pointless Agent Insanity makes as little sense in context as it does out of context. Naming every great moment would take up a full page, but here's some highlights.
Smith: My favorite artist is U2! U2, How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, I tell you! I've never even heard of 98 Degrees, please, please don't make me watch Theresa and Ethan make out again! MOMMY, I DON'T WANT TO!
- When Agent Smith's code becomes corrupted by exposure to Jesse Mc Cartney, Agents Jones and Brown have to purge his system by tying him up and forcing him to watch 30 seasons of soap operas on DVD, plus 18 straight hours of bonus materials on extra tracks. This experience ended up traumatizing him.
Jones: What the HELL? I go out for one hour, and expect YOU two to keep the house from destruction, MY house, of which I pay the mortgage with MY money and everything in it as well, with MY job as a waitress at the local restaurant...And every day I receive the most peculiar stares from programs, MY programs, programs that I MYSELF am in charge of, and, apparently, along with TWO OTHER AGENTS TO SHARE THE WORKLOAD BECAUSE THE MATRIX LIKES THE NUMBER THREE AND THEREFORE EVERYBODY WORKS IN THREES, BUT NOOO, I HAVE TO WORK ALONE, PUT ON A WIG, SMILE, AND SAY TO FORTY-YEAR-OLD CREEPERS, 'HELLO, MY NAME IS ALICE! MIGHT I RECOMMEND THE CHICKEN? WOULD YOU LIKE THE CHECK NOW, SIR? NO, THERE ARE NO MORE HIGH CHAIRS! PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THE WAITRESSES, SIR! I REPEAT, DO NOT TOUCH THE WAITRESSES! I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS FIFTEEN PERCENT OF A $24.98 CHECK OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD! NO! IT IS NOT POSTED ON THE SPECIALS BOARD! GET A DAMN CALCULATOR! I AM GOING OUT FOR A CIGARETTE! TELL THEM TO SEAT THEIR DAMN SELVES! I DON'T CARE IF THEY ARE FROM THE SENIOR HOME, THEY STILL HAVE LEGS, RIGHT? NO! WELL, TOO BAD!'"
- This, after Agent Jones comes home from work to find the house a mess:
Smith: I don't know what is more disturbing: the fact that Mister Rogers is half-baked somewhere in a Columbian drug field or the fact that I almost get killed my a random potato every time I exhale through my left nostril."
- What happens when Smith tries to take a bathroom break? "Two minutes later he emerged from the bathroom, triumphant. The toilet had sucked him into Narnia, whereupon his arrival he was imprisoned and forced to labor as a resident dragon slayer. He dripped wet with the blood and gore of victory. Not today, he laughed. Not today."
- "BEHOLD THE ALMIGHTY RUBBER DUCKY!" (Soon after this is said, Brown goes into a mall dressed as the rubber ducky pinata and is almost mauled to death by an onslaught of sugar-high children and half the crew of Jackass.)
- The Running Gag of Smith contending with his Arch-Nemesis - the Idaho red potato.
Smith: You two stay in the car. Now, I have a couple of rules you must follow while I am gone.Brown and Jones: (fighting over a chewy toy) Awwwwwww, but Mooooooooom.Smith: Rule Number One. I know that Pepsi and Mentos are an interesting combination, but do not blow anything up with them unless you are prepared to vacuum the inside of the car and get sucked into Narnia just like we did last time. Rule Number Two: Do not switch each other's bodies. God knows how that happened, but I suppose with you two, anything is possible.Jones shuddered, hearing Brown's taunting voice ringing from the depths: Stop hitting yourself! Stop smacking yourself upside the head with this here frying pan! Stop kicking yourself in the nads! Stop setting yourself on fire! Stop beating yourself against this brick wall! Stop watching these eighty-two episode marathons of Oprah!Smith: ...Rule Number Three: Do not kick, punch, scratch, tear, pierce, shred, detonate, decimate, annihilate, maul, eradicate, mar, ruin, spraypaint, defecate, or else defile or destroy anything within the planetary radius. Do you understand me so far?Brown and Jones: Yes ma'am - sir - Justin Timberlake.Smith: Good. Oh, I almost forgot the most important rule - Rule Number Four. This, my sirs, is called the ignition. You are to never, under ANY circumstances, touch it. It is the one thing you never touch. You can touch matches, toxins, forks in toasters, open electrical sockets, explosive substances, and nuclear waste, but the ignition is explicitly dangerous to your health. Think of the ignition as my sunglasses: you touch Smith's sunglasses without his written permission, you die a slow, horrible, painful, black roasting death by means of Smith cooking you for dinner.Jones: (raises hand)Smith: Yes, Jones?Jones: Are we gonna be tasty? 'Cause Jones can get awfully bland without a pinch of oregano.Smith: NO!
- Pretty much everything "Morpheus the Socialist I-Don't-Believe-In-Numbers-Because-They're-All-Equal-To-Me dumbass" says is hilarious. Agent Smith being the Only Sane Man among an entire cast that's Too Dumb to Live counts too.
- All the Agents of the Matrix apparently have standard copies of Justin Bieber's fourth grade diary.
- After attempting to perform Shakespeare and failing badly, Pauly D rides home on a flying cow, which Snooki then unleashes a No-Holds-Barred Beatdown on for blowing hay into her face.
- Smith's reaction to having to act like a human for 24 hours. "Whew...This is even harder than the time I had to tap-dance on the North Vietnamese border with a giant sign that read 'Nationalist Greetings From Ho Chih Minh' and dodge five hundred and eighty-seven short-range 'welcome mats.'"
- Chapter 10: "Mr. Smith Goes to College." That is all.
- This exchange:
Smith: So the great Morpheus wishes to dance? We'll dance, little man...Oh, we'll dance.Starring in the Australian production of Grease, Morpheus sported a curly blond wig as Sandy and Smith a black leather jacket as Danny, as the two foes sang "Summer Lovin" onstage.Tank: (crying uncontrollably) No, Morpheus!
- What makes the above exchange even funnier is that when Smith leaves, Brown and Jones take the car anyway (without physically touching the ignition) and drive it through a restaurant The Dukes of Hazzard style.
- The Mood Whiplash when Smith confronts Morpheus.
Neo: You bastard! You killed him! You killed my chocolate milkshake! No, don't die, Marty! You're going to live! You're going to live, goddammit, and we're going to have it all! We'll take that vacation in Maui just like you wanted, and we'll get remarried on the beach, and we'll ride all the rides at Fantasy Island, and I promise you, this time I won't throw up from the top of the Ferris Wheel just to see how high up we are! (spontaneously dies)
- Smith's reaction when Neo breaks his sunglasses. "What was that? Why is the world so bright? Did I die?"
- When Smith is about to kill Neo, he asks if he has any last requests. Neo happily requests two chocolate milkshakes ("I don't recall you saying a last request, or one last request, or a normal last request. Now. Come on. Let's get less with the angry-twitchy and more with the chocolate milkshakeys.") and takes the entire rest of the day to finish the one in his left hand. When Smith tries to resume their fight, Neo points out that he still has to finish his right hand milkshake. Smith promptly shoots said milkshake.
- Rachel Ray's reaction to anyone trashing the use of Parmesan cheese. "The audience gave her a standing ovation as she ripped off her costume, revealing a pterodactyl underneath, spread her scaly fifteen-foot wings and flew braying through the roof."
- Gordon Freeman's explanation of why he doesn't talk: "UNTIL HER PREGNANCY IN HER EARLY THIRTIES, MY MOTHER MADE THE VERY QUESTIONABLE CHOICE OF SMOKING MEOW MIX."
- Apparently pressing F11 is "the Architect's shortcut for 'smack yo'self like you some trick at a slow-ass truckstop.'"
- The author Breaking the Fourth Wall to confuse and scare the living shit out of Tank, and Simon Cowell's consistently failing attempt to take over the world turning out to be all him on a mescaline trip in a hotel room.
- Psychotic Man Slayers, a fanfic of Knights of the Old Republic is about Carth managing to piss off all the women on the Ebon Hawk (except Juhani, who he pissed off in the previous story). The crowning moment is not when Dyran (Male Revan) sends Carth a despairing 'HELP ME' look. The crowning moment is not when Mission says, 'You're old and I hate you!' either. It's not even when Bastila is caught eating chocolate cake, and ends up slapping Carth and apologising for it. Oh, no. It's when Canderous, of all people, reveals that all the women on the ship have synchronised PMS. Carth's response is priceless.
- A Star Wars Fanfic called Rise of a Rogue, which features an OC. To anyone who has ever read the X-Wing books, this is utterly hilarious:Wedge: Kell, how long would it take you to rig up a decent sized explosion?Kell Tainer: Sir, are you asking me what I think you're asking me?Wedge: Yes, I want you to blow something up.Kell Tainer: So, you're actually giving me permission to blow something up?Wedge: Tainer-Kell Tainer: Could someone check on the General? I think he's feeling ill.Wedge: Tainer-Kell Tainer: Maybe I should get Cubber down here, I might be getting some bad audio through my headset. I could swear Wedge just asked me to blow something up.Wedge: Tainer-Kell Tainer: Shh, let me savor this moment.
- I Never!, a piece of gloriously random fanfiction about Obi-Wan Kenobi's twenty-first birthday and a drinking game he and his friends (and their masters) play, is made of this. Highlights include the knowledge that Mace Windu has streaked through the cafeteria, the fact that Yoda finds himself sexy, and the fact that the Jedi masters have occasionally used their powers for manipulation of others.
- In this story, a series of side stories from Star Wars Lineage, Qui-Gon is in a funk over Tahl's dying. How does Obi-Wan shake him out of it? With an insulting haiku competition,'' where the two of them exchange barbed, barely veiled metaphors. After Obi-Wan crowns it by comparing Qui-Gon's current mood to a baby throwing a tantrum, the Jedi Master snaps, "Dojo. Now."An hour later, "Uncle" had proved beyond a doubt that his saber form was in no way to be compared to withered lightning, his insight to a monkey lizard's navel gazing, nor his teachings to garden compost.
- Sibling Revelry is an Alternate Universe fic where Vader discovers right after The Empire Strikes Back that Leia is his daughter-and thinks she's having an affair with Luke. The funniest part is his Refuge in Audacity moment where, attempting to get Leia with Han, he takes control of the whole carbonite situation by marching right into Jabba's palace and demanding Solo be handed over. Lando is too stunned to believe his eyes at first... Until Vader threatens Jabba. Lando immediately goes from Oh, Crap! and Screw This, I'm Outta Here!, knowing the situation is not going to go well for Jabba.
- Food Scandal has an Imperial science officer, lieutenant Malan, discover that the food supplies for her ship's Stormtrooper complement have been contaminated by fural, a poisonous chemical, due the supplier deciding to scam the Imperial government, but still has a few funny moments:
- The ship mentioned above she serves on the Executor. Someone knowingly sold contaminated food to the Imperial military, and it ended on Darth Vader's ship.
- The chief science officer and the chief provision officer decide not to do anything, the former because the safety limits have been established with generous tolerances, the latter due logistics reasons, as it's "only" 5,000 men who'd get the contaminated food-and adds he's not going to do anything without the captain's orders. So Malan decides to inform him... And Darth Vader intercepts the report. Everyone on the bridge but Malan dives for cover, and Malan expects to die for bothering Vader with such trivialities.
- Malan's relief when it turns out that Vader considers it worth of his time-and then she tries to cover for the chief provision officer by lying to him. A very light Force Choke later, she takes his advice to not lie to him.
- "If you intend to have His Majesty over for tea and chit-chat, next, Malan, I would appreciate a forewarning". Said after Veers showed up to find out why his men wouldn't have a dinner, and discovered they had just been saved from poisoning.
- His Majesty fails to appear, and so do any further catastrophes.
- Darth Vader staging pretty much a planetary assault over a food contamination that wasn't immediately harmful.
- Advice from Veers to Malan after she almost gets killed by the culprit and she says it's "Nothing serious"."If you intend to make a habit of lying to your superior officers, you should know that it is considered bad style to do so when said superior officer can not avoid to notice that he is being lied to."
- While still on medical leave, Malan is summoned by Vader... And the medical officer is "experienced enough to realize that his authority, to overrule all other orders when it comes to medical matters, ends exactly where lord Vader decrees it ends".
- "Did the Supreme Commander of the Imperial Forces, Lord Do-not-fail-me Vader himself, just willfully misinterpret a gross breach of proper procedure as something laudable and put me up for a commendation instead of the reprimand I expected?
Basic civility - and a hefty dose of self-preservation instinct - wins out against the shock. "Thank you, milord!"
- Malan suffered a social ice age due accidentally causing the death of two SciCorps officers over a few mere Stormtroopers. The ice age suffers a sudden meltdown when the Stormtroopers, all forty thousands of them embarked on the Executor, find out (from Veers) why she's being ostracized and put in the hospital her main opposers.
- The bonus chapter of the holomail exchange between Malan and her brother (an AT-AT officer in a unit not attached to Death Squadron).
- In Shoulda Kept the Manual Palpatine reads the manual for the "Contingency Orders for the Grand Army of the Republic: Order Initiation, Orders 1 Through 150" to find out which one means the Clonetroopers will murder all the Jedi... And once he finds out he throws it away because it "closely resembled a sex manual written by a very pious and very elderly nun of one of the more repressed religions who'd never so much as glanced at a penis throughout her entire life which had then been translated into fifteen entirely unrelated languages, one after the other, and re-rendered into Basic before being run through a half mad computer at a law library". When he needs to activate it three years later he has forgot which one it is... And mistakenly activates Order 65.note The Clones were very confused by the situation because it hadn't been issued by the proper authority, but ended up executing it because "he's the Supreme Commander, and if he orders us to detain him, who were we to say no?".
- In Darth Vader: Hero of Naboo, the Sith finds himself on Naboo during the Trade Federation invasion... And decides to help, causing more than a few strange situations:
- When Vader sees the invasion, he initially mistakes it for reenactment.
- Vader's irritation at the droids' inability to spot him in spite of, well, being himself and pretty much tagging along with only the feeblest tricks to distract them.
- Later, his irritation at the Trade Federation's general incompetence.
- "Master...did a Sith just come down the stairs to help rescue the queen?" "Apparently so, Obi-wan".
- Vader's bewilderment at Jar-Jar's continued survival.
- Vader making some money. It includes beating Jabba at a cards game.
- Everything about the aftermath of Vader's duel with Maul and it being interrupted by Krayt dragons.
- Turns out that Vader can silence his breather, but doesn't because it's more effective noisy... And to enjoy how people react when he silences it.
- "Why do you care so much about Anakin? Vader...are you his father?"
- The fact it had been Padme to ask the above.
- There's a card game whose only goal is to waste time, and while Vader is teaching it to Padme he refuses to mention the name. What is this name? Republic-Senate, much to Padme's dismay.
- Obi-Wan knows it, as it's apparently well known among Jedi Younglings... Ever since it was introduced by Qui-Gon Jinn.
- Darth Plagueis correctly guesses Vader is a time traveller... Because he always guesses that in the face of the highly improbable.
- Upon arriving on Coruscant, Vader utterly and completely making a fool by Mace Windu by admitting he's a Sith and pointing out it's not illegal. And then, the still Jedi Dooku joins in the trolling.
- Vader and Sidious' mental fight simulation.
- The Running Gag of people mistaking "Darth" for Vader's name.
- Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's report to the Jedi Council, with Dooku still there to troll.