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Funny / F is for Family

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Season 1

  • The first episode
    • Frank does not need a bible.
      Frank: I don't need a $25 bible to teach me about God! I almost bled out in Korea, alright!? I have met God!
    • The Scene right before the intro.
      Phillip: Can Bill come out and play?
    • Frank is a huge fan of the Irish boxer Mickey Ireland, and defends him over his loss in his last match, which had been dubbed "The Bleedin' In Sweden" due to the referee stopping the match because Ireland was bleeding too much.
      Frank: He didn't lose because of the bleeding, he lost cause he was drunk!
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    • Right before the end credits, while Frank is celebrating his promotion (due to his supervisor's death), Kevin yells "I'm trying to sleep!"
      Frank: Then close your eyes and shut the fuck up!
  • The second episode:
    • Frank decides to take Kevin to work to teach him some respect for what Frank does to support the family, but decides to freak the shit out of him by telling Kevin he's being sold into the army as part of a troublesome youth program and is being shipped straight to Saigon that day, and that if he sees a small child running away from him in Vietnam, he's going to reveal his position to the enemy and Kevin should shoot him in the back of the head and mount him on his bayonet as a warning to the others. Once Kevin is blubbering and begging that he'll stop being such a jerk all the time if Frank wont sell him to the army, Frank reveals he was just messing with him.
      Frank: Come on, the army doesn't want deadbeat 14-year olds! They want deadbeat 18-year olds!
      Kevin: [pissed off] You are messed up, man!
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    • Rosie is introduced being very cheerful and jovial with a couple on their way to Syracuse, who leave him a quarter. When they leave, he drops the act and says "Cheap-ass Syracuse motherfuckers. Hope your plane gets hijacked."
    • Pogo freaks out over a biscuit missing but finds it.
      Pogo: There's only three biscuits! It's supposed to have four! That's what's wrong with this country! (lifts up his gut)... oh, here it is.
    • Kevin sees a sign that says "Do not enter". He goes through it, "Like a sign's gonna tell me what to do." He almost gets run over by a baggage tractor.
      Kevin: Oh shit!
      • Frank goes looking for Kevin and walks through the same door... and is almost run over by another baggage tractor.
  • This exchange in "F is for Halloween":
    Maureen: Cocksucker!
    Frank: What!? Where did you hear that!? (beat) Oh, right. When your mother comes home, don't tell her I used that word.
    Kevin: What if she never comes home?
    Frank: DAH, YOU LITTLE COCKSUCKER! (beat) Your brother made me say that!
  • "Bill Murphy's Day Off":
    • During the strike negotiations, Bob Pogo responds to his employees' demands with an "offer", which is really a note saying "Go fuck yourself". Rosie counters this with a crude drawing of himself having sex with Mrs. Pogo on her husband's corpse.
    • Rosie's a pretty good source of funny:
      Pogo: I got a dozen scabs ready to go!
      Rosie: You got a dozen scabs on yo' titties, fat boy!
    • Bob Pogo complaining about pizza cheese stopping at the crust.
      Pogo: Why does the cheese stop at the crust? I like the crust.
    • When Frank tries to compromise:
      Rosie: Over my dead body.
      Pogo: Over his dead body. Shut up, Frank.
    • The robot bears' song interfering with the negotiations. Rosie is annoyed, but Bob Pogo throws a childish tantrum over the noise. Snub-Nose Louie, the mobster who is the president of the local union, puts an end to the noise by executing the Captain Chucklecrust animatronic using a pizza box as a suppressor for his gun. Afterward, he ominously warns everybody present, "You didn't see nothin'."
  • After Bill is suspended from school, Kevin tells him to just forge Franks signature on the suspension form, because the school never bothers to check if it's real or not, then reveals that he's been suspended 37 times, and never once showed their parents the form.
    Kevin: The system is a joke! They suspend me because I'm a piece of shit, right? So then they give me a piece of paper, saying I'm said piece of shit. And then I'm supposed to get my parents to sign it?! Why the fuck would I do that?! I'm a piece of shit!

Season 2

  • In the Season 2 opener, a despondent and unemployed Frank has this exchange:
    Frank: "I can't take it anymore Sue, I'm sick of all these fucking people looking at me thinking 'oh, you poor unemployed man'."
    Sue: "Frank, no one is thinking that."
    Jenny: "Hey there Sue, Frank, you poor unemployed man, how's the job search going?"
    Frank: "I should have died in Korea."
    • Frank threatening to put the hospital clerk through the wall.
  • On Bill's first day as a paperboy, while fleeing from Jimmy (who threw a cat at him), he's almost hit by Mr. Holtenwasser, the kindly old German Holocaust survivor, who has this to say:
    GET ZE FUCK OUTTA ZE STREET YOU LITTLE MOTHERFUCK...! (notices it's Bill) Oh hello, Bill!
  • Phillip gets a few really good lines in season 2, but the timing on this one is just perfect:
    Randy: "Hey, you a cop, kid?!" (grabs Phillip) "You gotta tell me if you're a cop!"
    Phillip: (panicked) "No I don't, THAT'S A POPULAR MISCONCEPTION!!"
  • A Girl Named Sue
    • Vic pouring cocaine on the steering wheel of his car which he snorts before he speeds off to work.
    Frank: He's going to kill someone, Sue.
    • Bob Pogo screams at Frank to get out after Frank tells him off, then happily says...
    Pogo: "Look at me! I'm standing!!"
    • Pogo has taken to eating healthier in an effort to slim down. By which we mean he's eating buckets of cottage cheese rather than his old diet of fried chicken and pizza. AND he eats the stuff with his bare hands.
  • Phillip's wussiness is pretty much his defining trait. At one point, he mentions that whenever Jimmy beats him up he just curls up in fetal position and sings "Hot Crossed Buns" to himself.
    • After Phillip and Bill reconnect after falling out towards the end of season 2, Phillip reveals that he channels all his negative emotions into violent, gory drawings. He has several notebooks full of whoever he's angry at being mutilated and murdered. Jimmy Fitzsimmons by far has the most, one of them is even labeled "A World Without Jimmy".
    • He hasn't gotten better by season 3. He deals with his jealousy over Bill dating a girl named Bridget by pulling out his own eyebrows.
  • Frank expressing his anger at the perceived levity television shows treat war.
    Maureen: Daaaad, not M*A*S*H again!!
  • At one point, Bob Pogo hides in Frank's delivery truck while trying to get away from his asshole boss, and eats all the expired candy Frank has collected from the vending machines, along with most of his fresh inventory.
    • "Dolores...? I got kidnapped by a Puerto Rican who forced me to eat candy... Yes, 'again'!"
    • Becomes Brick Joke in season 3 when Bob runs into the Puerto Rican man who got blamed for his "kidnapping" and arrested.
      Bob: I dont know what he's talking about! This Puerto Rican is delusional!
  • Bob Pogo has two That Came Out Wrong moments when he locks himself in Frank's truck, eating his inventory.
    Bob: "You fuck me, and I'm gonna fuck you! With my mouth!" (pause) "You know what I mean!"
    • A few seconds later, Frank tells Bob he needs to get home for Maureen's Honeybee meeting. This time, Bob's response is much quicker and he has an embarrassed look as if he knows he might have crossed a line.
      Bob: "Fuck your daughter!" (short pause) "You know what I mean!"
  • The airline owner hires his nephew to replace Frank. Problem is, said nephew is completely fucking insane due to brain damage he received while playing pro baseball (not from getting hit by a ball, he got drunk after a bad game and ended up getting kicked in the head by a horse), and at one point can be seen throwing the airplane luggage into the jet engine. He also loudly talks about re-segregating baseball. He eventually gets himself killed with a bomb he took from a group of plane hijackers.
    • Literally just anything about Scoop is hilarious. From his funny appearance to him catapulting a suitcase into a plane's engine, and his brutal death he's just hilarious.
    • When he sees the hijackers (one of whom is a woman), he shouts "NO HAIRDRESSERS ON THE RUNWAY!"
    • "ALL HANDS ON DECK, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!! WE ARE BEING INVADED!!" *tries to shoot down a passenger plane with a flare gun*
    • "GO BACK TO AFRICA!" *throws a black leather bag into a jet engine*
    • "Finders keepers doesn't apply to lost children!"
  • Kevin's favorite band is a melodic rock n roll fantasy band called Shire of Frodo, but as is eventually revealed, they're actually just a poorly regarded back up band who almost no one else likes. When they open the show for the not-Led Zeppelin band Lifted Riffs they get booed and chased off the stage before they can play a single song.
    • Kevin's friends get sick of his insistance on playing melodic fantasy rock, kicks him out of the band in season 3, and becomes a Lifted Riffs cover-band called Throbbinson Crusoe, with Ben (the weird inbred neighbor kid) as a guitarist. They're an instant hit with the whole neighborhood.

  • When Kevin is at the records store and feeling disillusioned, an old lady asks him to help her find some vintage music.
  • The Reveal that Vic has been fired from the radio station several times before, but his drug use means that he's just been forgetting it and kept showing up for work every day. His boss finally corners him while sober and fires him for good
    • Not to mention Vic's idea of getting clean means "just" switching to whisky and pot use for his daily high, and restricting coke for special occasions.
    • Vic leading an insurrection in his house after it's revealed that Cutie Pie and Kevin were having sex.
      "Everybody out and don't forget to take your fuckin' gift bags!!"
      "Dragon on your shirt. Dragon on your shirt. Dragon on your shirt. Dragon on your shirt man!! Breathin' fire!! [Indulges on an entire bag of cocaine]
    • As shown throughout season 3, Vic's attempt at quitting drugs isn't going too well, his addictive personality means he just gets equally obsessed with whatever new thing he picks up to keep himself busy, and he keeps a "relapse kilo" of coke stashed in his water sofa.
  • The rise and fall of preteen pop sensation Corey Mars, not to mention his ridiculous hit single "It's a Puppy Dog Cotton Candy Day". At one point in season 2, we see Corey appear on a talk show after he's arrested for possession, only to be released after an older aquintance claimed the jacket the drugs were found in was his. The jacket that was several sizes too small for him, and had the name "Corey" stitched on it.
    • In season 3, we find out that Corey's career tanked after he hit puberty and his voice broke. His albums are so unpopular now that the record store tries to sell them in batches of 10 for 1$, and he's been replaced by his younger brother Rory Mars.

Season 3

  • Season 3 introduces Phillip's little brother Anthony, who is mentally impaired and never stops rambling. At one point he gets drunk and passes out. Another time he tells Frank he saw where Bill went when he'd run away from home, only to tell Frank a bunch of useless information which of course ended with Frank screaming at him.
  • Bill develops a crush on his bully Jimmy's little sister Bridget. He soon discovers that she's even worse than her father and brother, and Jimmy's been threatening him to keep HIM safe from HER.
  • Frank's favorite boxer, Mickey Ireland, makes a cameo in the Memorial Day Parade in season 3 as one of the guests of honor. He's in even worse shape than he was after losing the televised fight in the first episode.
    Sue: [watching Ireland bleed from his ear] That is a lot of blood...
  • Bob Pogo pointing out how non-discriminatory Mohican Airways is:
    Bob Pogo: [pointing at a smiling and waving Rosie] Look at our Negro. He's happy and well fed.
  • Kevin drinking vodka. Then hugging it at the end of the episode.
    Bolo: We brought soda. A special kind of soda. With something extra added to the soda. Something that's not soda. Something from Russia!
    Kevin: When you guys gonna win one?!
    Frank: You're a fucking embarrassment, you know that?! Get out!
  • Frank's outburst over Kevin flunking algebra especially after he finds out he got a D-Plus in English:
    Frank: HEY!!! STRIKE UP THE BAND! (Mimics drumming and sings in tune of Star and Stripes Forever) 3 CHEERS FOR MY D-MINUS SON!!!
    Kevin: D-PLUS!!!
  • Anthony Bonfiglio humping the tv while repeatedly saying the names Wayne and Wanda.
  • Goomer's wife finally catches him being creepy at the Murphy's house. Goomer blatantly lies to her and says that Frank is the real deviant.
  • Frank so hates his father, he told a 4 year old Kevin that he(grandfather) lives on a comet. And Kevin still believes it to the present day.
    Frank: You ever wonder why we never see my father?
    Kevin: Cause he lives on a comet.
    Frank: The fuck are you talking about?!
    Kevin: That's what you told me when I was 4!
    Frank: ...Oh, that's right. I did.
    • Becomes a Brick Joke when Frank's dad comes to visit in the ending scene of season 3.
      Kevin: I guess the comet landed.
  • After Bill runs away in season 3, he wanders around the city and eventually stumbles into the black neighborhood bar, only for the bartender and guests to panic that "missing white kid" had been in there, making them a huge target for the cops. The bartender forces him to leave at gunpoint.
    • Bill finally snaps over all the crap he's been forced to endure when he tries calling for help from a payphone, only to find a homeless man using it as a bathroom. He manages to push over the booth with the hobo still inside.
      Bum: Your generation is ruining this country!

Season 4

  • Father Pat is doing the confession. A lot of people end up confessing a lot of the messed up stuff that they did or know.
    Bridget: I stole a headstone from a cemetery and blamed it on my brother.
    Goomer: I knew Chet was being poisoned and I didn't do anything. I'm a watcher, not a doer.
    Nana Rose: My son is actually my nephew, because my dead sister was a whore.
    Mr. Fitzsimmons: I ran over a telephone pole and blamed it on my son.
  • When Big Bill is looking for a place to stay, Evelyn suggests that Big Bill use Goomer's trailer because Goomer never uses it. Goomer hesitantly agrees, before running off to clear the stuff that's in it.
    Goomer: That's-that's right. I don't use it for anything. Heh heh heh heeh. [beat] Just give me some time to clear some stuff out. And bleach the walls. Shit shit shit shit shit.
  • Everyone's horrified reaction at Pogo's new appearance due to his massive weight loss in the hospital.
    • He's so weak from the weight loss and heart attack that he literally can't keep his eyes open because the eyelid skin is too heavy.
    • Pogo explains the medical name for the loose skin, and names it Gordon. When he and Frank are driving to runway, the tractor won't move.
      Pogo: I think Gordon is stuck in the wheel.
  • Frank cursing out Mrs. Breckman in front of a bunch of kindergartners.
    Frank: [Bursts into the classroom] YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, LADY!
    [Everyone gasps]
    Anthony: Mr. Murphy said the "fuck" word!!
    [All the kids being to yell out the word fuck repeatedly]
  • When Vic sees a painting of Cutie Pie in Bolo's garage, he immediately destroys it, yelling angrily. He then goes back to his genial self and continues talking about helping Kevin and his buddies get on the radio.
  • Anthony finds one of Goomer’s records from the box he buried featuring an actor from his favorite show and the actor in the record constantly says “Eat that nasty pussy”. When his parents find him, he says it to them and his mom drops him in shock.
    Anthony: Ow, my pussy!
  • Frank insists that the crib he picked out for the new baby is perfectly fine, only for the gate to swing down and chop off the head of the baby doll occupying it. Big Bill's Eye Take in response just sells it.
  • Bob Pogo's freak-out after Hobo Jojo is replaced by a black actor (because the original actor, the reporter Jim Jeffords, was put on indefinite leave due to his racist behavior).
  • Bob Pogo doing the clam challenge.
    Bob: Clams are the salad of the sea, Frank.

    Bob: WHERE! ARE! MY! CLAMS?!!!
    • Not to mention the (almost literal) shitstorm of Toilet Humor that ensues after Bob manages to win the challenge by eating 100 clams in one sitting.
      Bob: [running to the bathroom] WARN THE PEOPLE IN THE NEXT TOWN!! TELL DOLORES I LOVE HER!!

    • The next day, we find out that Bob somehow managed to destroy the plumbing for their room.
  • On the way back home from Chicago, Bob reveals that he tried to keep Mohican Airways profitable by saving as much money as possible, which included reducing the budget for maintenance. Right after he says that, one of the engines of the plane they're in starts to crash.
    • The turbulence results in Bob's stomach getting flattened into Frank's face.
      Frank: Get it off me! Get it off me!
      Bob: I can't! Gordon's got a mind of his own!
      Frank: Oh, fuck you for making me die like this!
    • After the plane stabilizes, it's shown that the turbulence resulted in Red mounting Rosie.
      Red: Alright. Am I the only one with a boner?
      Rosie: Get the fuck off me!
  • While walking to the hospital to have her baby, Sue is harassed by Jeffrey, who calls her names while running circle around her on his bike. She responds by throwing a stick at him, which ends up causing him to crash and sprain his knee.
    Sue: Awww. Are you hurt? There's a hospital two blocks that way. You can walk there you little shit. [proceeds to steal the bike and drive to the hospital]
  • During the final hockey game, Bill steps down (by slashing the ref's leg) to let Jimmy have a chance of impressing his dad who's doing the coaching, and Jimmy proceeds to beat the crap out of several of the opposing players with his hockey stick... as well as Phillip, who's on his team, just for good measure. Then he gets ganged up on by some of the other players, and Phillip jumps in and elbow drops him.


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