NFL Quarterbacks on Facebook is a weekly feature on ProFootballMock.com which parodizes all 32 NFL quarterbacks in fictional interactions on Facebook after the NFL season and notable events in the NFL offseason.Started in Week 4 of the 2012 season, the conversations usually dealt with the quarterbacks mocking each other over their accomplishments or lack thereof. As the season progressed, each quarterback developed a sort of personality which contributed to the conversation. The conversations expanded to include non-quarterbacks, like head coaches, teammates, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, and other characters, some of whom would contribute to more than one conversation.ProFootballMock's sister site, CollegeFootballMock.com launched a Spinoff on August 28th, 2013 called Heisman Hopefuls on Facebook, which uses college football stars instead of NFL quarterbacks, unfortunately the site was shut down on November 23rd, weeks before the Heisman winner could be announced.The entire series can be seen here.Heisman Hopefuls on Facebook can no longer be seen here.
Academic Athlete: Devin Gardner. Gardner values his University of Michigan education, constantly spouts off philosophical insight about "The Team, The Team", and is portrayed as an Only Sane Man among his peers, although his Notre Dame performance had him looking over his individual accomplishments.
Accidental Misnaming: Christian Ponder. Nobody gets his last name quite correct. Names include Parker, Plunder, Plummer, Pilsner, etc.
Similarly, in Heisman Hopefuls On Facebook, the other characters, namely Braxton Miller, call Devin Gardner "Denard" after the former Michigan quarterback. It annoys him to no end.
Adults Are Useless: Or, to be more precise, act like a bunch of college fraternity kids. Justified in HHOFB, as they are college fraternity kids.
Michael Vick has been trying to distance himself from killing dogs, but in his attempts, he goes on a killing spree with other animals. Among some of his more heinous crimes:
Michael Vick: Plus, I microwaved a hamster, beheaded an octopus, and forced a baby platypus to watch the first three seasons of "Glee".
Aaron Rodgers: YOU MONSTER!
The conspiracy theorist in the Super Bowl XLVIII post.
The Conspiracy Nut Who Interrupted Malcolm Smith's Speech: 911 WAS AN INSIDE JOB! THE MOON LANDING WAS FAKED! TRIX AREN'T REALLY JUST FOR KIDS!
Art Imitates Life: In the Draftitiude convo, Tony Romo takes offense to Andy Dalton saying that Johnny Manziel could easily take his job and starts a rant about how he actually is one of the premier quarterbacks in football. However, before he can complete his rebuttal, he drops his keyboard, mirroring his constant failures at the end of each NFL season.
Ass Shove: Sam Bradford has an affinity for putting unusual things in his ass, among the stranger items, a butt plug with his grandmother's ashes, a Toblerone, and an award, which he stuck in edgewise. In addition, at least one threat per week involves sticking something up someone else's ass.
Atomic F-Bomb: Peyton Manning's after losing Super Bowl XLVIII lasts for three entire text boxes.
Backstabbing the Alpha Bitch: In a male athlete sort of way, Jameis Winston becomes the new leader of the HHOFB convo in week 8, pulling it away from Johnny Manziel.
Big "NO!": Adrian Peterson after coming up 9 yards short of the NFL single season rushing yard record.
The 2014 City of Cleveland screamed "NOOOOOOO!" (that echoes through time and space) after learning that after the Ravens moved to London in 2016, the Modell family reacquired the Browns and moved them to Baltimore, and the Baltimore Browns would later win five straight Super Bowls.
Bilingual Bonus: Ben Roethlisberger uses British, Italian, Mexican, and Canadian accents after playing in London. In addition, he also does a Wookiee Growl and explains a joke in Binary coded ASCII.
Black Sheep: Cooper Manning and Joani Harbaugh get this treatment by their respective families.
Brick Joke: Following his earlier time travel escapade in Opposite Day 2013, Aaron Rodgers successfully time travels again in "NFL QBs on Spacebook", traveling 26 years in the future....when he meant to only travel one week to stop Russell Wilson from winning Super Bowl XLVIII.
Joe Flacco's Baby: I just made Romo in my Huggies!
The Bus Came Back: Or, to be more precise, it never left, as the majority of the quarterbacks who were "cut" in the final preseason convo did end up making appearances in week 1.
But for Me, It Was Tuesday: After Russell Wilson drafts Aaron Rodgers, he threatens to throw multiple interceptions each game in an attempt to sabotage Wilson's team. Joe Flacco casually points out that Brandon Weeden does that every game.
Aaron Rodgers: WILSON, I WILL PURPOSELY THROW THREE OR FOUR PICKS EACH GAME THIS SEASON AS PART OF A STRATEGY I WILL CALL “OPERATION: SABOTAGE-THE-FUCK-OUT-OF-RUSSELL-WILSON’S-FANTASY-TEAM!””
Joe Flacco: Brandon Weeden just calls that "Sunday"
Aaron Rodgers is starting to get this treatment as well.
Butterfly of Doom: Aaron Rodgers' time traveling escapade to 2040 results in the Seattle Seahawks winning the Super Bowl, at least according to the 2040 Roger Goodell.
Calling Your Attacks: Matt Ryan and Drew Brees name each others' costly turnovers. In the 2012 matchup between the two quarterbacks, Ryan names Drew Brees' interceptions, Flopsy, Dropsy, Ducky, Sucky, and Mr. Wobbles. In the 2013 season opener, Brees turns the tables by calling Ryan's crucial end zone interception "The Fourth Quarter Falcon Fail".
Canon: All the features on Profootballmock that deal with any of the characters from the convos keep their personalities the same. This includes Intercepted Texts, a series of fake text logs between players and coaches, opinion pieces, and even the news stories that are posted.
Chew Toy: Tony Romo, the Oakland Raiders and the city of Cleveland all regularly take their lumps in most conversations.
Derek Carr: HEY EVERYONE, I GOT DRAFTED BY OAKLAND!
Derek Carr: This is so cool. I get to play for an expansion franchise, just like my big brother.
Nick Foles: The Raiders are not an expansion franchise.
Derek Carr: Whoops, sorry. I meant to say an "expired" franchise
Christmas Episode: Complete with NFL themed carols, perverted holiday sex analogies, holiday death threats, etc.
Comical Translation: When Tony Romo translates for Drew Brees after he loses his voice (he apparently speaks Strangled Neck-eze). he decides to take advantage of the opportunity by making it seem like Brees likes him.
Drew Brees: GAHHHCACACACHHHHHHHHH
Tony Romo: Um, now he’s saying, “Tony Romo is a cool guy, and we should all totally hang out with him and be his friend and stuff.”
Drew Brees: HAAA KAHHHLLL YOOOOO RAHMAHHHH
Conflicting Loyalty: In the Hall of Fame Convo, Colin Kaepernick continually says "Go Dolphins" and continually forgets the fact that he is the starting quarterback for the 49ers, a reference to a real life dust-up where Kaepernick tweeted pictures of himself wearing a Dolphins hat during the off-season.
Conspiracy Theorist: The Conspiracy Nut that interrupted Super Bowl XLVIII MVP Malcolm Smith's speech.
Cross Over: Eli, Peyton, and Archie Manning all appear in the week 7 HHOFB convo, then Cam Newton, Tom Brady, Tim Tebow, and Peyton again in the Week 8 congo.
Cruel and Unusual Death: Sam Bradford is dead by 2040, as a result of an overdose of virility pills which give him a 12 hour orgasm, as well as Michael Vick, who was ripped apart by dogs.
Cue the Flying Pigs: When Joe Flacco and the Ravens win the Super Bowl and the other quarterbacks finally bestow the elite label on him, this happens.
Deadpan Snarker: Although any quarterback would qualify not named Ben Roethlisberger, Tim Tebow, Andrew Luck, or any of the minor characters, the biggest one is Jay Cutler.
Deal with the Devil: Maty Mauk supposedly makes one with Satan during the week 8 HHOFB convo. Not even Tim Tebow can pull him out of it.
Development Gag: Also doubles as a Mythology Gag: The Hall of Fame Convo is taken over by the geriatric... I mean classic quarterbacks. Some have the same personality quirks as the current quarterbacks, like Joe Montana's rivalry with Steve Young and Terry Bradshaw and Neil O'Donnell's penchant for explaining jokes, while others, like Joe Namath and Brett Favre, have entirely different quirks. The sudden appearance of the classic Hall of Famers clearly annoys the current ones.
Apparently, the backups have some of the personality quirks that the starters do, as evidenced by Kirk Cousins and Rex Grossman both wanting RGIII's job (a lá Colin Kaepernick in 2012), Kevin Kolb's concussion problem, Geno Smith playing like Mark Sanchez, and Vince Young issuing threats to Brady Quinn.
Aaron Rodgers: WILSON, ON SEPTEMBER 4th, I AM GOING TO JAM THAT LOMBARDI TROPHY UP YOUR PEEHOLE LIKE IT’S THE WORLD’S LARGEST METAL CATHETER.
Peyton Manning: WILSON, I WILL SHOVE THAT LOMBARDI TROPHY UP YOUR PEEHOLE LIKE IT’S THE WORLD’S BIGGEST...
Aaron Rodgers: I already did that line.
Does This Remind You of Anything?: After Wes Welker signs with the Broncos in free agency, he and Tom Brady have a...rather awkward conversation which could draw similarities to catching up with an ex-girlfriend. Matthew Stafford notices and, in his usual confusing Facebook with Twitter fashion, lampshades it.
The Dog Bites Back: Aside from what happened after the Seahawks got eliminated from the playoffs, Wilson gets trolled by Ryan Tannehill after the Dolphins defeated the Seahawks.
Tony Romo did this to Brady and Ryan after they lost in their respective Conference Championship games.
Don't Celebrate Just Yet: Aaron Rodgers turns off the Texans-Seahawks game at halftime to celebrate by spray painting the Seattle Space Needle with the words, "3-1. Suck it Losers!" When he finds out what actually happens:
City of Cleveland: (closes garage door, turns on car engine, waits for sweet relief of death) — After the Ravens won Super Bowl XLVII
Cleveland Browns Fans: (commit suicide by throwing selves into nearest dumpster fire) — After Josh Gordon is suspended for drugs, Nate Burleson breaks his arm, and the rest of the Browns receivers predictably sucks
The Jets' fans responded to Brady drafting Sanchez as his fantasy quarterback by jumping into the Hudson River.
Tom Brady: NO!!!! I'D RATHER KILL MYSELF THAN HAVE MARK SANCHEZ AS MY TEAM’S QUARTERBACK!
Jets Fans: (Ties big rock to feet, jumps in Hudson River)
Drunk with Power: John Elway during the 2014 free agency period, to the point where he attempts to sign JJ Watt, Jimmy Graham, Roger Goodell, a new salary cap, basketball star Kobe Bryant, retired tennis star Steffi Graf, Pikachu, and 2013 spelling bee champion Arvind Mahankali to contracts.
Warren Moon is apparently racist, as he confuses Riley Cooper with Kevin Kolb, and then says that all crappy white players look the same to him.
Every Year They Fizzle Out: In the 2012 season, Matt Ryan was always reminded by his rivals that he hasn't won a playoff game, until he defeated the Seahawks in the 2012 Divisional. That role is now played by Andy Dalton.
Tony Romo being reminded that he blows it every December.
Peyton Manning being reminded that while he's a great quarterback in the regular season, he gets crushed in the playoffs.
Fan Fic: Fans have started to create convos in the comments section of articles using the characters, as well as a few inventions of their own (like Darth Anonymous, Gisele Bündchen's love children with the other NFL quarterbacks, and openly gay football player Michael Sam) as a way to cope with the long gaps between offseason convos.
Five Stages of Grief: Brees mentions that quarterbacks experience the "Five Stages of Playoff Grief" after losing in the playoffs.
Flanderization: As the first season wore on, certain characters developed traits that would define their characters. A few are mentioned in the Running Gag section.
In the "Draft-valry" thread, they each explain their characteristics to EJ Manuel because the rookie quarterbacks will each have to come up with one (or, since Matt Barkley wouldn't shut up, have "Guy who likes to fuck baby rhinos" assigned to him by Tom Brady, which Sam Bradford said was his gag).
Follow the Leader: In-universe; After Marshawn Lynch calls himself "BEAST MODE", Packers RB Eddie Lacy reluctantly refers to himself as "LACE MODE" (after some prodding by Rodgers), 49ers RB Frank Gore is known as "GORE MODE", and Patriots RB LeGarrette Blount is known as "BLUNT FORCE".
Football Dad: Archie Manning, towards both his quarterback sons, yo-yoing in favor depending on which is doing better, sometimes forsaking them both.
The Force Is Strong with This One: Parodied in the NFL Draft special, after Matt Barkley complains about not being taken in the first round, Peyton Manning points out that "The douche is strong with this one".
Fratbro: Johnny Manziel is setting himself up to be one, judging from his reaction being drafted by the Cleveland Browns.
Johnny Manziel: DAMMIT! I WAS SUPPOSED TO END UP IN EITHER HOUSTON OR DALLAS, WHERE ALL THE GOOD TITTY BARS ARE!
Fun with Acronyms: Colin Kaepernick mentions that he owns the Packers as a subsidiary of his "King Kaepernick Korporation, or, as Tony Romo points out, KKK for short.
After giving in to public demand in 2017, Dan Snyder had to rename the Washington Redskins the Washington Terrible Asian Road Drivers, or "T.A.R.D's" for short.
Dan Snyder: HAIL TO THE T.A.R.D.s!
Getting Crap Past the Radar: Happens a lot, especially with Sam Bradford, who constantly uses his Facebook appearances to analogize something as trivial as a tie to some horrifyingly perverted sex act.
God: God makes an appearance in the week 11 convo, explaining how he's been messing with the Ravens by setting up the blackout in the Super Bowl, as well as the severe weather in Denver and Chicago. He explains that while he hates the Ravens, he put them in the Super Bowl because he wanted to piss off the devil, which is revealed to be Bill Belichick, as well as his favorite team, which is, "anyone that plays the Eagles." Eagles fans are not fazed by this.
Groin Attack: Philip Rivers sticks pins in his voodoo doll set right where it hurts:
Halloween Episode: With the quarterbacks' avatars changed to fit the theme. For example, Tom Brady's avatar was a Queen's Guardsman (in reference to the Patriots' game against the Rams in England), Russell Wilson's avatar was a "Trollface" mask, and Ben Roethlisberger's avatar was The Bumblebee Man (in reference the Steelers' striped jerseys they wore for that season).
Another one took place during Week 8 in 2013, with Calvin Johnson's avatar being Megatron, Cam Newton's avatar is Superman, Aaron Rodgers' avatar is The Incredible Hulk, and Joe Flacco's avatar is Bert.
Hoist by His Own Petard: in the Fantasy draft episode, the quarterbacks draft each other with the order based on who's the most handsome. Brady also makes certain rules: you can't draft yourself (Aaron Rodgers does this, and is forced by Russell Wilson to take him) you can only take quarterbacks (Roethlisberger takes Adrian Peterson and ends up having to take Blaine Gabbert), and you have to pay attention and not inquire on the availability of Drew Brees. (Three quarterbacks do this and are initially saddled with Mark Sanchez, but after persuading Brady to not give them Sanchez, Brady changes their picks.) When Brady gets ready to make his pick, he realizes too late that Sanchez is the only QB left, and after letting out a well timed Precision F-Strike, he sheepishly inquires if Drew Brees is still available.
Brady stated an unwritten rule in which he gets to sleep with the losing quarterback's wife/girlfriend whenever he wins, and tells them to get a wife/girlfriend if they don't have one. It backfired on him in the Week 15 convo (during Season 2), when after the Patriots lost to the Dolphins, Lauren Tannehill (Ryan Tannehill's wife) gets to sleep with Brady, but with the roles reversed; she plays the pitcher to Brady's catcher.
Hollywood Tourette's: Andrew Luck inexplicably comes down with a case of this after beating Peyton Manning and the Broncos, as did Aaron Rodgers in 2010, after he defeated Brett Favre and the Vikings.
Hulk Speak: Marshawn Lynch types in all caps, refers to himself in the third person as Beast Mode, and apparently does not have a good grasp of grammar. Also, when Ben Roethlisberger's contract is restructured, this exchange happens:
Matt Schaub: In other news, apparently the Steelers restructured Roethlisberger's contract.
Cam Newton: Yeah, but that was just to take out all the big words.
Eli Manning: Now it just reads "Ben Throw TD's. Not Rape Pretty Girls. Get money."
Ben Roethlisberger: BECAUSE I AM NOT A VERY SMART MAN.
Hypocritical Humor: After the Seahawks eliminate the 49ers in the 2013 NFC Championship, Jim Harbaugh complains about the refs, and gets ranted back by, of all people, Seahawks fans:
Seahawks Fans: SHUT YOUR WHINEHOLE, JIM HARBAUGH. You got beat FAIR AND SQUARE by the mighty Seahawks. ONLY SORE LOSERS COMPLAIN ABOUT OFFICIATING.
Alex Smith: You Seahawks fans must be thrilled to be going to the Super Bowl, eh?
Seahawks Fans: Yes. FINALLY we can avenge that 2006 loss to Pittsburgh that was TOTALLY the fault of the refs.
Incredibly Lame Pun: Tony Gonzalez asks which quarterback's head he's going to bash in for failing to get him into the Super Bowl (Matt Ryan). What follows are a series of lame jokes that relate to each character's real life criminal issues.
Ray Lewis: I'll take a stab at it.
Plaxico Burress I'll take a shot at it.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: I'll take a crack at it.
Ben Roethlisberger: I'LL TAKE AN ALLEGED MULTIPLE DATE RAPE AT IT.
After Aaron Rodgers' time traveling caused what would have been a Broncos blowout win to become a Seahawks blowout win, Wilson thanked him.
Russell Wilson: Thanks for the game-winning past interference, Aaron.
I Take Offense to That Last One: Brady, Peyton, Dalton, Foles, and Brees were all insulted about being compared to Romo when they all lost on Week 15 in 2013, and even began to felt sorry for him, but when Romo finally showed up at the end, they all insulted him again after the Cowboys lost to the Packers.
Jerk Ass: Everyone, including Tim Tebow at one point. And how. The only exceptions are Andrew Luck and Greg McElroy, even Luck's threat to Russell Wilson was a lot less malicious then anyone else's.
Jive Turkey: Riley Cooper attempts to distance himself from his racist incident by dressing in blackface and spouting off random ebonics.
Karmic Death: Mark Sanchez tragically dies when his hoverboard collides with the tail end of a 747. So effectively, he dies after stumbling headfirst into the back end of a Jet
Leaning on the Fourth Wall: After learning that Peyton Manning had "cut" him from the convos, Matt Schaub says that he hates PFM, to which Drew Brees asks him to clarify, to which he says Peyton Fucking Manning, although it was clear that he was referring to Pro Football Mock.
Loads and Loads of Characters: Considering the NFL has 32 teams with 32 quarterbacks, not including the backups and other NFL players, this could rival the Simpsons for the amount of characters it has.
Lovable Sex Maniac: Tom Brady, even to to the point where he points out that Matt Schaub, Matt Ryan, and Ryan Tannehill's wives and Beyoncé should be bedding with him, and at least two of them supposedly do.
Made of Evil: Bill Belichick makes it abundantly clear how evil he is during the playoffs, with schemes ranging from videotaping the 49ers in preparation for the Super Bowl to poisoning Matt Schaub with an apple a lá Snow White, When the Patriots are beaten by the Ravens, Belichick not only calls Tom Brady, who has already won three Super Bowls under him, a bust, but casually tosses out that he has "a birthmark of three sixes on his asscheek", and that he will not do a postgame interview as he feels that nothing less than "three strangled hobos and a litter of crushed puppies" will get him to even think about the game.
Make Wrong What Once Went Right: At least from Aaron Rodgers' point of view. His time travel to the year 2040 changed the outcome of the Super Bowl from the Broncos blowing out the Seahawks to what actually happened... the Seahawks blowing out the Broncos. Then again, this was 2040 Roger Goodell telling us this.
Malicious Misnaming: After Eli loses the Manning Bowl, Peyton hacks his Facebook and changes his name to "Big Stupid Loser".
Peyton hacked Brady's account after beating him in the 2013 AFC Championship, this time changing Brady's avatar into a pile of poop, and his password to "Captain Playoff Failure McLittleDick".
Jim Harbaugh: WAAAH! I CAN’T BELIEVE WE LOST TO THE STUPID COLTS! IT’S NOT FAIR! THE FANS WERE TOO LOUD!
Matt Schaub: You were playing in front of your home crowd, Coach Harbaugh.
Jim Harbaugh: THEN THEY WEREN’T LOUD ENOUGH! WAHHH!
Meanwhile, in the Future: "NFL QBs on Spacebook", taking place in the year 2040 with a time-traveling Aaron Rodgers as the central character.
Meta Guy: Ben Roethlisberger starts to go beyond his "Joke explainer" role when he questions the logic of some of the jokes in the Wild Card convo. This bothers Tom Brady, who tells him to stop and get back to his old role.
Mistaken for Gay: Aaron Rodgers endures plenty of gay jokes during the 2013 Wild Card convo, and angrily denies that he is in fact gay.
Mr. Exposition: Philip Rivers always announces the appearances by non-NFL quarterbacks. Drew Brees also played a similar role.
Mushroom Samba: Drew Brees chugs Nyquil and starts hallucinating throughout the week 13 convo, mistaking Colin Kaepernick as Gonzo from the Muppets, and Andy Dalton as an talking engorged dog penis, as well as pondering the mysteries of the universe.
Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: A week before the Super Bowl, Aaron Rodgers travels to the future to find out how the game went in order to prevent Russell Wilson from winning. After he comes back to the present where the Seahawks won 43-8, Roger Goodell's future self also comes back and informs him (and the rest of the players) that in the original timeline (the one where Rodgers didn't travel to the future) the Broncos won by 50 points. Peyton Manning and Rodgers do not take this well.
No Indoor Voice: PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING!, BEAST MODE MOTHERFUCKERS!, every threat made to Russell Wilson, the list goes on.
Even Andrew Luck can get angry enough to shout. But he's still nice about it.
Andrew Luck: I WILL SAY RESPECTFUL THINGS TO YOUR FACE BUT WILL ONLY BE 80-85% SINCERE, WILSON!!!
BEN ROETHLISBERGER MUST BE MENTIONED AS THAT IS HIS JOKE.
The Seahawks fans are really that loud, even outside of Seattle.
Manny Ramirez: It wasn’t my fault! I couldn’t hear the snap count because the Seahawks home crowd was too loud!
Mike Glennon: You were on a neutral site. The stadium was, at most, only half filled with Seahawks fans.
Seahawks Fans: WE’RE JUST THAT FUCKING LOUD!
Manny Ramirez: (snaps ball)
Noodle Incident/Bestiality Is Depraved: Apparently Sam Bradford has had oral sex with a horse, as he mentions that the other quarterbacks who give him grief for misquoting "You should never look a gift horse in the mouth" sound just like "that uptight security guard at the petting zoo".
Not Quite Dead: Roger Goodell talks about eliminating the controversial Tuck Rule. The rotting corpse of Al Davis rips him for this. Also, when Jim Harbaugh complains that losing the Super Bowl is the worst thing that's happened to anyone in the history of ever, Anne Frank's ghost rips him for it.
In the Halloween 2013 convo, the deceased legendary figures in the NFL rolled in their graves to the following:
Tom Landry and George Allen, after the Cowboys and Redskins lost that week's game.
Vince Lombardi and Bill Walsh, after the Packers and 49ers began running the ball, when these teams were traditionally pass-heavy.
Joe Namath's liver, after the Jets lost to the Bengals.
The Steelers' Playoff Chances, after Raiders QB Terrelle Pryor ran 93 yards for a touchdown. Chuck Noll, Mean Joe Greene, and Jack Lambert initially spun in their graves, until Rodgers said that the joke only works when they're actually dead, and that they were still alive.
Opposite Day: There wasn't a whole episode devoted to it in 2012, nor was there a sequel in 2013.
Orphaned Punchline: In the "Red Zone" Convo, we never hear the joke that leads to Ben Roethlisberger's explanation that Jay Cutler's Mom's vagina is bidding to host the 2018 Super Bowl. Later on, Tony Romo jokes that the Redskins drew more yellow flags than Betsy Ross with a case of jaundice. Roethlisberger begins to explain that joke, but can't finish as he doesn't get it.
Out-of-Character Moment: After Peyton Manning insults Philip Rivers' bolo tie in the 2014 Divisional playoff convo, Sam Bradford offers up a bolo tie analogy. Matt Ryan thinks that it will be another gross sex analogy, even going so far as to describe one in great detail, however Bradford surprises the Q Bs by simply stating that bolo ties are stupid.
Alex Smith: Hey Nick Foles. I got you a very special Secret Santa Gift.
Alex Smith It’s a custom made plaque that reads, “Congratulations on your record setting performance this season.”
Alex Smith “Of all the QBs who have thrown 7 TDs in one game during 2013, you are definitely the most recent, the youngest, and the most normal-shaped-headed of them all.”
Nick Foles Cool, thanks.
Peyton Manning GET FUCKED, ALEX SMITH!note In the 2013 season, Peyton had a 7 td game in week 1 against Baltimore, Foles had one in week 9 against Oakland.
Perfectly Cromulent Word: Sometimes in the convos, a player will make up a word on the spot that pertains to the week's theme, then will use it in context, Examples include:
Chrushmas: Coined by Drew Brees, it's a holiday tradition where "all the good little quarterbacks get touchdowns and yardage and victories galore, but the bad quarterbacks like Josh Freeman get their asses hella whipped by scores like 41 to F*cking 0."
Draft-valry: Coined by Brees, it means a rivalry between two or more quarterbacks taken in the same draft.
Nhoffer: Coined by Riley Cooper, a derogatory term in the same vein as the other N-word, which stands for non hall of famer.
'Lizzed: Coined by Sam Bradford, it's a portmanteau of laughed and jizzed.
Intervenception: Coined by the Manning family, it's an intervention for Eli Manning in which the other members of the family make fun of him for his "addiction to interceptions".
Romo-Vember: Coined by Tony Romo, it's a reference to his statistical dominance in November.
De-slump-ber: Coined by Aaron Rodgers, it's a reference to Tony Romo's tendency to spectacularly fail in December.
Prequel: The post-Super Bowl XLVI episode, released before Super Bowl XLVII.
Precision F-Strike: There's usually one every week by a quarterback whose team craps the bed against a worse team.
Prison Rape: Played for laughs with Ryan Leaf. He mentions that his "350 pound boyfriend" has WiFi in his "rape cell" which allows him to join in the conversation during the NFL draft.
Product Placement: Aaron Rodgers being sponsored by State Farm, he constantly applied the "Discount Double check" as a means to describe his wins. Similarly, there was one episode solely devoted to sponsorships.
There was a second product placement episode, complete with cameos from the redheaded Wendy's spokeswoman, Flo from Progressive, the Geico Gecko, and the Bears Superfans from Saturday Night Live and State Farm.
Put on a Bus: In the final 2013 preseason convo, Peyton Manning decided to "cut" quarterbacks, meaning that they could no longer contribute to the convos. Those who didn't make it were as follows: Josh Freeman, Jake Locker, Matthew Stafford, Cam Newton, Carson Palmer, Brandon Weeden, and Blaine Gabbert, as well as Michael Vick, Jay Cutler, (though his mother was allowed to stay in the convos), Eli Manning, and Matt Schaub. However, all except for Gabbert and Locker were back in time for the week 1 convo
Real Life Writes the Plot: Considering this was a parody of the 2012 NFL Season, most of the conversation had to do with statistical output, wins, and headlines. And when quarterbacks were injured or benched, their backups took their spot in the convos, with the exception of Alex Smith, who had a bitter feud with Colin Kaepernick. The series even took a three month long hiatus which coincided with the end of the draft and the start of training camp.
Real Men Wear Pink: The quarterback's avatars are all given pink backgrounds in time for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
Reluctant Hero: Johnny Manziel is not amused that he has to represent the hopes and dreams of Cleveland Browns fans:
Johnny Manziel: I HAVE TO EMBRACE BEING A HERO IN CLEVELAND? FOR HOW LONG?
Remember the New Guy: In the Prequel convo, Robert Griffin III makes his retroactive debut to a rather warm reception by the current quarterbacks, despite the fact that at that point he had yet to be drafted. Russell Wilson also makes his retroactive debut, and true to his personality, starts off by annoying Aaron Rodgers, who at this point does not know who he is.
M.D Jennings: I dunno man, I hear we could have replacement refs next season. That could be a total nightmare.
Rhetorical Question Blunder: Russell Wilson appears in response to these, only to be threatened by the other quarterbacks. Other examples are vehemently told that they don't count.
Rimshot: A running gag in "Fallen Leaders." After an explained joke by Ben Roethlisberger, an actual Rimshot account responds in the convo. During the course of the conversation, other quarterbacks crack increasingly lame jokes, with the Rimshot account refusing to dignify the jokes with a response. The convo ends with the Rimshot pulling a Screw This, I'm Outta Here! after yet another joke about Tony Romo's failures in December.
Peyton Manning vs. Andrew Luck; Manning reminds Luck that the Colts are still his team.
Aaron Rodgers vs. Jay Cutler.
Alex Smith vs. Colin Kaepernick.
Joe Montana vs. Steve Young.
IN HHOFB, Johnny Manziel vs. Jameis Winston
Rousing Speech/Moment Killer: Sam Bradford comes to Aaron Rodgers' defense when the other quarterbacks make fun of his supposed homosexuality and give a very stirring speech on accepting others for who they are, as well as how standards evolve as time goes by. It's a very moving speech which surprises the other quarterbacks, namely Drew Brees and Carson Palmer, who praise him for it, however he ruins the moment by mentioning that he typed the whole thing with his penis while being naked and hogtied in his mistress' sex dungeon.
In general, the Q Bs tend to have personality quirks that usually manifest themselves during conversations.
Matthew Stafford confusing Facebook with Twitter.
Alex Smith's feud with Colin Kaepernick.
Funnily enough, the Hall of Fame edition has Joe Montana and Steve Young, whose situation was almost the same, feuding.
Not to mention both Montana and Smith ended up on the Chiefs.
Adrian Peterson telling Ponder to give him the ball so that he can break the NFL single-season record for most rushing yards.
Matt Ryan, despite the Falcons having the best record that year, being reminded that he hasn't won a playoff game. This changes when Ryan finally wins against the Seattle Seahawks, with Andy Dalton taking on Ryan's role.
Robert Griffin III being a Glass Cannon, as well as Mike Shanahan's disregard for Griffin's health.
Archie Manning threatening to disown Eli for his awful 2013 season, as well as downplaying Cooper's job as an energy trader
Archie Manning: I swear I couldn't be any more disgusted with you if you were a child pornographer or an energy trade consultant.
Cooper Manning: Dad, I'M an energy trading consultant.
Archie Manning: Are you? Huh. All this time I've been telling people you deal kiddie porn.
Tony Gonzalez getting angry with Matt Ryan for costing him a last shot at the Super Bowl.
Jameis Winston making Johnny Manziel cry for his mother.
Michigan football players Vincent Smith and Devin Gardner hearing a loud ringing noise after getting hit hard.
Vincent Smith: GODDAMNIT!!! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE ANSWER THE PHONE!?
Philip Rivers' "X? [Description of X]?" whenever a new or guest poster shows up.
Anytime someone asks "When was the last time you saw (improbable event)", followed by Russell Wilson's weekly troll and subsequent threats by the other quarterbacks.
Some of the real life problems that players have (e.g., Michael Vick's animal cruelty charges, Roethlisberger having been accused of rape, Ray Lewis's murder trial), or the fans' perceptions of certain teams or players (Spygate, Bountygate, Brady begging for flags whenever he gets hit, etc.).
Rule of Three: The QB's try and avoid saying the word "Tie" three times a lá Beetlejuice, for fear of accidentally summoning Sam Bradford. When it inadvertently happens, they try and avoid mentioning the "tie is like kissing your sister" analogy. Unfortunately, Geno Smith accidentally says it, leading to Bradford using his perverted sex analogy of the week.
This gag is repeated in 2013 Week 12, due to the Packers/Vikings game ending in a tie.
Say It: Tom Brady, in his HHOFB cameo not only forces all the other quarterbacks to say Devin Gardner's real name instead of Denard, he actually gets them to fully respect Gardner and put him back in the Heisman race.
Teddy Bridgewater: Oh, on the contrary, chaps. Have you fellows not read the plethora of scouting reports on yours truly floating through the world-wide ether? Everyone agrees that **I** am the most "cerebral" and intelligent quarterback of the entire 2014 rookie assemblage.
Set Right What Once Went Wrong/Time Travel: In the Opposite Day Sequel, Aaron Rodgers attempts to go back in time to the Fail Mary game in order to get the Packers back to the Super Bowl. Using a time travel watch connected to one of Sam Bradford's penis pumps, he ends up forgetting to set the year to 2012 and as a result, travels back to an early part of the convo.
Sex God: In the future, Sam Bradford ends up publishing all his sexual exploits in a book called the Kama Samtra... And then he dies after experiencing a 12 hour orgasm he received after taking virility pills.
Shout-Out: Andy Dalton talks about being on HBO's Hard Knocks and the other quarterbacks rip him for being on an HBO show, mentioning Robb Stark from Game of Thrones.
When Mark Sanchez complains about getting hit in the face with a football and how much it hurts, Marcia Brady agrees with him.
There are references to the Back to the Future series in the "Opposite Day 2013" episode, with Doc Brown making a cameo appearance.
Joe Philbin, Richie Incognito and Roger Goodell reenact the "Did you order the Code Red" scene from A Few Good Men, but Ben Roethlisberger thinks they're referencing The Godfather.
Sibling Rivalry: John vs. Jim Harbaugh in Super Bowl XLVII, which was dismissed by Peyton and Eli Manning, and Rex and Rob Ryan.
Peyton and Eli experienced it as well, with Eli saying that he won the Super Bowl twice, and was the Super Bowl MVP twice.
Signs Everyone But You: Despite John Elway's free agency frenzy, and his insistence that he signs anybody, he avoids going after Richie Incognito.
John Elway: WHO'S LEFT? WHO HAVEN'T I SIGNED? I'LL SIGN ANYONE THAT FUCKING BREATHES!
Richie Incognito: Me! Me! Sign me!
John Elway: I'll pass.
Snarky Inanimate Object: When determining what personality new Bills quarterback EJ Manuel will have, Colin Kaepernick bets ten bucks that he's a whiny bitch, which Manuel denies. A ten dollar bill then says that he is.
Spoiler: Played with in the Intervenception Convo. The quarterbacks mention that they all saw the series finale to Breaking Bad, which Matt Ryan DVRed. In order to further annoy Ryan, they proceed to make up over the top spoilers to the end, which include a reference to Ternminator, Godzilla, Aliens, even a dragon is casually tossed out.
Stealth Insult: Russell Wilson, in a rare non one-line troll, surprises Colin Kaepernick by speaking more than once. When asked what's different, Wilson explains that if he genuinely respects and admires a quarterback, he will say 5 lines to him. Kaepernick points out that Wilson only said four lines to him, then gets what Wilson is trying to say and explodes in rage.
After the Seahawks win the Super Bowl, Wilson appears to take the high road and congratulate Peyton Manning without any hint of malice. However, the conspiracy nut who interrupted Malcolm Smith's press conference points out a secret message in Wilson's Facebook posts that spells WORLD CHAMPS BITCHES!
Straw Loser: Everybody hates Tony Romo for whatever reason, despite the fact that he's done nothing. This goes all the way to the Super Bowl when he hosts a party that all the other quarterbacks were invited to, but no one came.
In the Hall of Fame Convo, Dan Marino takes on the Straw Loser role because of his lack of Super Bowl rings.
Tempting Fate: After the Broncos defeated the Patriots in the 2013 AFC Championship Game, Brady warned Peyton that he (Peyton) set himself up for the biggest collapse when he loses the Super Bowl to the Seahawks. Two weeks later, the Broncos got stomped by the Seahawks 43-8.
10-Minute Retirement: Brett Favre; his avatar alternates between the Packers, Jets, Vikings, and back to the Packers.
"The Reason You Suck" Speech: Drew Brees gives a particularly nasty one to Commissioner Goodell in Week 7. Similarly, when Mark Sanchez graced the viewing world with the Butt Fumble, Tom Brady put together a 4 point presentation on why it was hilarious and dropped Sanchez's credibility rating.
Flacco finally became elite after the Ravens won Super Bowl XLVII... only to have it taken back by Peyton, Brady, Brees, and Rodgers, after Flacco told them that he only threw for 287 yards. Brady told Flacco that he has to throw for at least 300 yards in the Super Bowl to be considered "elite".
Too Many Babies: Tom Brady, as a result of his sleeping with the other quarterbacks' wives, has several children, male and female, who play in the NFL by 2040. One (whose mother is Joe Flacco's wife,) even repeats history by losing to Eli Manning's daughter in the Super Bowl.
Troll: Russell Wilson. Whenever he says something (even one word), the quarterbacks whom Wilson defeated in real life shouted death threats to him, including, but not limited to, Rodgers, Brady, Romo, Cutler, and Griffin. Lampshaded in the Divisional Playoffs episode, when Matt Ryan called him out on it, and Wilson desperately spent the rest of it looking for a trolling opportunity getting the opportunity with Rodgers at the end.
In HHOFB, Jameis Winston basically turns Johnny Manziel from an arrogant Heisman winning snob and Convo leader to a sniveling crybaby who wails for his mother.
Unexpectedly Obscure Answer: Cam Newton's shtick involves him responding to things the other quarterbacks say by responding in a Jeopardy! formatted answer.
Verbal Tic: DeAnthony Thomas adds the prefix, "De'" before words.
Voodoo Doll: Philip Rivers gives himself a set of voodoo dolls for Christmas, each representing Ryan Tannehill, Joe Flacco and Alex Smith.
Waterfall Puke: Implied in HHOFB judging by Johnny Manziel's reaction to his mom sleeping with Jameis Winston and AJ McCarron.
Waxing Lyrical: After Jameis Winston singlehandedly destroys the University of Miami, he incorporates the chorus of "Rock You Like A Hurricane" into his Facebook status, and gets "likes" from Scorpions and Bobby Bowden.
Wisdom from the Gutter: Jimmy Haslam tells the quarterbacks that a hobo advised him to draft Johnny Manziel. The hobo in question turns out to be former quarterback Vince Young, who demands $5 for his sage advice, only to be told by Haslam to get a job.
The Worf Effect: Jameis Winston's stat output in week 6 of HHOFB led him to dress down the incumbent Heisman winner, Johnny Manziel of all people, in his debut.
Your Mom: Jay Cutler's mother is called a whore by the other quarterbacks. When he tells them to stop, they reply with "Said no (insert something to do with having a career in the pornography industry) ever".
The Heisman Hopefuls on Facebook plays with this trope, as Jameis Winston and AJ McCarron, in order to get Johnny Manziel's goat, infer that they slept with his mom. In addition, they play a prank on Manziel by having Jadeveon Clowney make a fake Facebook profile of Manziel's mom and have "her" confirm Manziel's worst fears. It works, as Manziel is shocked to the point where he vomits profusely and flips out on everyone else.