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Funny: Red Dwarf
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    Series I 
The End
  • The higher ranked officers paying their respects to George Macintyre - as "See You Later, Alligator" plays in the background.
  • Gordon Bennet, yes Chen, everybody. Everybody's Dead, Dave.
    • "Never should've let him out in the first place..."
  • "I've been eating half the crew!"
  • Lister having gone to some lengths to smuggle the cat onboard and hide it from the rest of the crew, only to be foiled after he took a photo of himself with the cat and sent it down to the photography lab to be developed.

Future Echoes

Balance Of Power
  • FISH! Today's Fish is Trout a la Creme. Enjoy your meal! (repeat 5 more times)
    • "I've been fished to death!"
    • When Lister is lamenting why Rimmer of all people was brought back to keep him company:
      Holly: He's the best person to keep you sane.
      Lister: Oh crap!
      (A Space-toilet pops out of the wall)
      Lister: Not you!
      Toilet: Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. See you later!
  • Holly allowing Peterson's arm to beat up Rimmer after he insults Holly's face.

Waiting For God
  • Lister's rebuttal to Rimmer's claim by inferral that aliens built the Egyptian Pyramids:
    Lister: They had massive whips, Rimmer. Massive, massive whips.
  • Lister stumbles across the dwelling of the last Cat priest, and threatens The Cat with a giant model sausage to make him not spill the truth to the blind priest.
  • Rimmer finds out the truth about the "Quagaar coffin":
    Rimmer: It's a smegging garbage pod!
  • Lister's reaction to some of the tenets of the Cat Religion.
    Lister: I'm supposed to have given them five sacred laws! I've broken four of them myself! I've had broken the fifth but there's no sheep on board...

Confidence and Paranoia
  • "Hey monkey, you're sick! Sick and helpless! (beat) If you weren't my friend, I'd steal your shoes."
  • This exchange:
    Rimmer: What's more important, a man's life or your smegging lunch?
    Cat: That doesn't even deserve an answer. [Begins to eat his lunch]
  • This line:
    Confidence: Ding dong! Another great idea from the people who brought you beeeeeer milkshakes!

Me^2
  • The entire scene at the end where Rimmer laments about Gazpacho Soup day. After Lister promises Rimmer that he would never bring the topic up again, Rimmer suggests that they go and have a drink. Lister's response: "Souper".
    • Even better when you see the Smeg-Ups version, where they just kept the camera rolling, and all the actors cracked up giggling.
  • Rimmer and his double fighting in the movie theater, culminating in one Rimmer making a shadow puppet (which is even funnier if you watch the extended version)
    Rimmer: [high-pitched voice] Hello! What do you think of Arnold Rimmer? [blows several raspberries]

    Series II 
Kryten
  • Holly's opening monologue (going by memory here so feel free to correct me)
    "As the days go by, it becomes increasingly apparent that we are alone in a hostile, Godless, meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?"
  • The dog's milk gag, sold (as ever) by Norman Lovett's deadpan delivery.
    Lister: Dog's milk?!
    Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other other type of milk, dog's milk.
    Lister: Why?
    Holly: No bugger'll drink it. Plus of course the advantage of dog's milk is when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.
    Lister: Why didn't you tell me, man?
    Holly: What, and spoil your tea?
  • The result of Cat's preparations for meeting some real life women.
  • The crew of Red Dwarf finally meet the lovely ladies of the Nova 5- "I think the blonde one's giving you the eye"
  • This quickfire dialogue qualifies:
    Lister: Drop dead, Rimmer.
    Rimmer: Already have.
    Lister: Encore.

Better Than Life
  • Better Than Life; the game that gives you all of your fantasies. And Rimmer breaks it.
    Rimmer: Our faces have been smeared with jam and we're about to be eaten alive by killer ants.
    Cat: Why?
    Rimmer: Why not?
  • Or earlier during the same episode. Rimmer, in the game, finally sees his father.
    Rimmer's Dad: I just wanted to say—
    Rimmer: Yes?
    Rimmer's Dad: I just wanted to say... you're a total smeghead!
    Rimmer: What? This isn't my fantasy!
    Cat: No, it's mine. (steals Rimmer's cigar and exits.)
  • And between the two:
    Lister: Rimmer, how did you fantasise having seven kids and a mortgage?
  • Rimmer sits down in a restaurant next to Lister and The Cat and takes some food.
    Lister: Whoa Rimmer, you can touch things!
    Rimmer: I know, why do you think I was so late? (makes a sexually obscene arm gesture.)

Thanks For The Memory
  • This:
    Lister: Do you know what I fancy right now?
    Rimmer: A big, fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's?
  • Rimmer (about the 'sandwich'): I feel like I'm having a baby!
    • Lister can't remember where he got the recipe, but says that he thinks it was "a book on bacteriological warfare."
  • "This is impossible. It's like trying to find a fart in a Jacuzzi."

Stasis Leak
  • Any time when Past Rimmer sees anything from the future, leading up to two separate nervous breakdowns. One of which involves thinking Hollister, dressed up as a chicken, is a hallucination, and the other involves responding to three Listers, two Future Rimmers, the Cat and Kochanski showing up in his quarters arguing.
    Rimmer: THREE Listers! Splendid! Perhaps Lister here would like to go over to the fridge and open a bottle of wine for Lister and Lister! Rimmer here doesn't drink, because he's dead, but I wouldn't mind a glass!
    Rimmer: Before anyone says anything else, I'd just like to make a little speech: GO AWAAAAYYYYYY!!!!
  • Bonus points for:
    Future!Rimmer: No, look. I'm you from the future. I've come to warn you, in three million years you'll be dead.
    Past!Rimmer: Will I really?

Queeg
  • Queeg on Holly's intelligence.
    Queeg: There is a six in it, but it isn't 6000.
    Lister: Well what is it then?
    Queeg: Six.
    Holly: Six?! Do me a lemon, that's a bad IQ for a glass of water, that is!
  • Holly uses Tottenham Hotspurs in his Unusual Euphemism lines when Queeg continually puts him down.
  • Holly revealing that he was Queeg all along.

Parallel Universe
  • "Tongue Tied". The entire smegging song!
  • Cat's face after the Dog shows off his dancing skills.
  • This exchange, as Lister is taking a pregnancy test after sleeping with his Distaff Counterpart.
    Rimmer: What colour is it supposed to turn?
    Lister: Blue for not pregnant, which is the colour it's going to turn.
    Rimmer: And red for pregnant?
    Lister: Yes.
    Rimmer: Come on, you reds!!!
    • And as the test almost finishes:
      Rimmer: It's blue for not pregnant, right?
      Lister: YES!
      Rimmer: Oh, good news! Excellent news, Listie!
      Lister: Oh, thank god!
      Rimmer: I'm going to be an uncle!
      (Cue Oh, Crap look on Lister's face.)
  • Arnold and Arlene's reaction after they find out that Deb and Dave have slept with each other:
    Arnold: You pieces of filth! How could you commit an act of carnal knowledge?
    Arlene: In my bunk? On my sheets? Using my springs? How could you even contemplate making... love... to yourself?

    Series III 
Backwards
  • Three words: Backwards bar fight.
    • One word: Unrumble!
  • The Cat's bathroom break at the end of the episode.
  • "Do you think Wilma's sexy?"
  • This epic exchange during Kryten's driving test:
    Rimmer: (points to book of space road signs) What's that one?
    Holly: (looking through windscreen) A time hole!
    Rimmer: Don't help him!
    Kryten: (also now looking through windscreen) It's a time hole!
    Rimmer: No it isn't, it's nothing like a time hole!
    (the camera angle changes to show a swirling orange mass into which Starbug is now heading)
    Holly: It's a time hole.
    Kryten: It is! It's a time hole!
    Rimmer: (impatiently) A time hole is a phenomenon rarely seen in space, which legend would have us believe transports us into another part of space and time. (points to book) Whereas that is quite obviously a blue giant about to go supernova! (points through windscreen) THAT is a time hole. (points to book again) Right, what's this? (Rimmer's eyes widen and he slowly turns back to look at the time hole)
    (Starbug enters the time hole and emerges in the backwards Earth; we see a bird flying backwards, a rabbit moving backwards, and steam falling onto the surface of the lake into which Starbug has crashed; cut to inside, where fish are swimming backwards past the window as Rimmer taps his clipboard against his hand and shakes his head)
    Kryten: I suppose you're going to fail me for this?
  • As revealed in the Smeg Ups special (and in a DVD extra), the Manager's rant is merely the actor ranting about how sad anyone would be to play this in reverse to make sense of what he's saying.
  • The conversation about life in a world where time flows backwards:
    Kryten: Take war. War is a wonderful thing here! In fifty years time, the second world war will start — backwards!
    Cat: And that's a good thing?
    Kryten: Millions of people will come to life. Hitler will retreat across Europe, liberate France and Poland, disband the Third Reich, and bog off back to Austria!
    Rimmer: We're smash hits here! We'd be crazy to leave.
    Lister: Rimmer, we don't belong here! This place is crazy!
    Rimmer: Crazy? Death, disease, famine — there's none of that here.
    Kryten: There's no crime! The first night we were here, a mugger jumped us and forced 50 pounds into my wallet at knifepoint!
    Lister: Okay, okay! But look at the flipside of the coin. It's not all good. Take someone like, say... St. Francis of Assissi. In this universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals! Or Santa Claus — what a bastard!
    Rimmer: Eh?
    Lister: He's the big fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kid's favorite toys!

Marooned
  • Lister and Rimmer talking about how they lost their virginity:
    Lister: She took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me completely naked. I was so excited I nearly dropped my skateboard.
    Rimmer: Skateboard? How old were you?
    Lister: Twelve.
    Rimmer: TWELVE? Twelve years old? You lost your virginity when you were twelve?
    Lister: Yeah.
    Rimmer: Twelve? ... You can't have been a full member of the golf club then.
    • Rimmer then admonishes Lister further.
      Rimmer: I hope you raked the sand back nicely. That'd be a hell of a lie to get into wouldn't it. Tournament next day and your ball lands in Lister's buttock crevice...
    • The same conversation continues with Rimmer describing how the only thing he lost when he was twelve were his favourite shoes:
      Rimmer: Porky Roebuck threw them in the school septic tank behind the rugby pitches. I cried for weeks. I was wearing them.
  • Also Holly's lines at the end of the episode: "Well, the thing about black holes..."

Polymorph
  • The scene where the polymorph turns into Lister's underpants... and then Lister puts them on. Kryten then has to pull off the contracting underpants while still wearing his groinally-attached vacuum hose. The underpants are really tiny when the thing is done. To top the cherry, Rimmer walks in half-way through and silently watches Kryten and Lister's struggles - which, to the unaware observer, might look like something a bit kinky - with a look of pure disgust on his face. Then, when they're finished, he merely says "Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked." (The audience apparently found this so funny that they kept on laughing for 10 minutes, forcing Chris Barrie (Rimmer) to wait until they had calmed down to deliver his line.)
  • They then top this when they show them trying to organize, post-polymorph attack, a final assault, each with a different negative emotion sucked out. One acronym: C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S.
  • ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?!!!
  • Lister about to eat dinner with various medical devices in place of regular eating utensils. Including a cow inseminator.

Bodyswap
  • Rimmer steals Dave's body and escapes in Starbug, but crashes, leading to this memorable exchange:
    Rimmer steps out into the doorway, his jacket is torn below the shoulder.
    Lister You've lost me arm!
    Rimmer I've lost your watch too.
    Lister You bastard!
    Rimmer No you're right. It's my fault. My hands are up... well my hand is up.
    Lister You think this is funny?
    Rimmer No. But this is.
    Reveals that the 'missing' arm was behind his back and makes obscene gestures with both hands.
  • Rimmer tells Lister not to touch anything because one of the service robots has gone nuts and rewired everything and anything could trigger the ship's self-destruct mechanism.
    Cat: So we can't touch anything?
    Lister: Nothing electrical, not until we get the all clear.
    Cat: Well how long's that gonna take?
    Lister: God knows. *clicks on the (very much electrical) snack machine* A milkshake and a crispy bar.
    Snack Machine: Auto destruct sequence initiated. *flashes the texts "ABANDON SHIP" and "AUTO DESTRUCT"*
  • "That was a very stupid thing you just did." "I wasn't thinking."
  • After a last desperate effort to turn off the ship's self-destruct fails, everybody waits in horror for the last seconds before the explosion.
    The ship: Detonation in five seconds. Four... three... two... one. Initiate self-destruct.
    The ship: *rolls out a milkshake and a crispy bar*
    The ship: Thank you for using auto-serve dispensing machines.
  • When the bomb turns out to be a dud:
    Kryten: It must have been wired up to the warning system, but not the bomb.
    Rimmer: Well where is the bomb?
    Holly: We haven't got one, I got rid of it ages ago.
    Cat: Why didn't you say?
    Holly: You never asked.
  • The scene where Rimmer, in Lister's body, weighs in, revealing that he's put on weight and is trying to hide it by wearing a girdle.
  • "Keep this safe, it's Lister's mind." Bloop.

Timeslides
  • "Written by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. Tonight's Guest Star: Adolf Hitler as himself"
    • True to their word, Hitler does appear, delivering his Nuremburg speech, which Lister interrupts.
    Lister: Ignore him! He's a complete and total nutter! And he's only got one testicle!
  • "I nicked his briefcase!"
    • One of the items Lister pulls out is a pair of suspenders, similar to the ones the Cat finds in "The Last Day".
  • Rimmer's failed attempt to make himself rich and famous somehow ends with him not being a hologram anymore. Cue him going on about how he can feel and touch things - and then he puts his fists through two huge boxes of explosives.

The Last Day
  • "Human heaven? Goodness! Humans don't go to Heaven! No, someone just made that up to keep you from all going nuts!"
  • "Well at least he gets 24 hours notice. That's more than most of us get. All most of us get is 'Mind that bus' 'What bus?' SPLAT!"
    • Remember - Rimmer is speaking from experience.
  • At the end of the episode: "I knew something he didn't - I was lying! 'No silicon heaven', that's just absurd! Why, where would all the calculators go?"
  • Lister watching female topless boxing.
    Kryten: So, which one are you rooting for?
    Lister: I'm just praying it goes the distance.
  • Hudzen 10's advertisement, which culminates in him breaking a brick in half with his groinal socket.
  • This exchange:
    Lister: We're on a mining ship. Three million years into deep space. Can someone explain to me -
    Reaches under duvet
    Lister: - Where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
    Cat: Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone.
    Pulls on hat
    Cat: It's the policewoman's helmet and suspenders I don't understand.

    Series IV 
Camille
  • "Small off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!"
  • "He's a smeeeeeeeg... heeeeeaaaad!"
  • "You taught him that?! That's terrific! You two should audition for 'What's My Fruit?'!"
  • "I was glad to get rid of him; he's flipped! He's got mad droid disease; he kept waving a banana in front of me and saying it was a female aardvark!"
  • "You're a smeeee" "I'm a smee." "A smeeeee heeeeee." "A smee hee?" "A complete and total one!"

D.N.A.
  • Kryten and Rimmer find the skeleton of a mutated crew member on the deserted spacecraft.
    Lister: (into communicator) Go, Kryten.
    Kryten: (over communicator) We found something, sir.
    Lister: Yeah?
    Kryten: I think it's one of the crew. A hideously malformed, triple-headed skeleton. With putrefied flesh hanging from it. It fell through Rimmer as we opened the lift door.
    Lister: Is he all right?
    Kryten: I believe he's just discovered what shirt tails are for.
    Rimmer: (over communicator) All right Kryten, you don't have to make me sound like a complete cowardly gimboid git! I'm fine now.
    Kryten: So shall I cancel the order to find your mother?
  • Following the above scene, Kryten and Rimmer inspect the skeleton they have found:
    Kryten: Curious. The skeletal form appears to be basically humanoid in structure.
    Rimmer: He's got three heads!
    Kryten: Wait! (reaches into the pocket of the skeleton's ragged jacket) Here's some kind of wallet. (flips open the credit card pockets) Look, the artifacts are human! A pilot's licence, ID, even a video club card!
    Rimmer: Are you telling me this guy belonged to a video club and he needed a card so they'd recognise him? He's got six eyes and three noses! If it were me, I'd remember him! (addressing skeleton) "Aren't you the bloke who came in here last week, sneezed, and caused a monsoon?"
  • "Oh, wait a minute... no. My brain is part organic. And therefore it is entirely possible for the machine to transmogrify my physical condition. Engage panic circuits... panic circuits engaged. (wails) AHHH-HAH!"
  • Lister is restored to human form after being transformed into first a chicken, then a hamster.
    Rimmer: Are you OK?
    Lister: ... yeah, I think so.
    Cat: What was it like being a hamster?
    Lister: It was better than being a chicken! I mean, you've seen the size of an egg? You've seen the size of a chicken's bum? That's what all the cluckin' was about! I was tryin' to say in chicken talk, "For God's sake, give me an epidural!"
  • The newly-human Kryten's conversation with his spare heads (included the droid rot-affected, Yorkshire-accented Spare Head 3) and spare hand.
  • The part where Kryten gives Lister a picture of his... junk. Especially when he gives him two pictures of what happened after he browsed though an appliance catalogue, Lister's expression is priceless (Best of all, his expression is genuine, though one wonders what he saw...)
    Lister: No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid!
    • Apparently, they gave him pictures of random objects up until they were actually shooting, when they used a picture of an actual person's junk.
    • Not to say this earlier exchange isn't also hilarious...
    Kryten: I wanted to talk to you about something. Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a little embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo subject - not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
    Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy. Spit it out, man..
    Kryten: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. [Lister just stares and smirks] I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode. Aren't we both two human adults? Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolecent sniggering?
    Lister: Well yeah, of course we can.
    Kryten: Thank you. [hands Lister a polaroid, which obviously disgusts him] Well?
    Lister: "Well", what?
    Kryten: Well, what do you think?
    Lister: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say?
    Kryten: I want to know, is that normal?
    Lister: What, taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!
  • Lister yelling at The Cat to get Kryten when he's messing with the D.N.A. machine. He gets progessively loouder everytime Cat messes with the buttons.
    Lister: Touch! Nothing! GET! KRYTEN!

Justice
  • The climax of this episode has the crew being chased by a homicidal android into an area called the "Justice Zone", leading to a confrontation between Lister and the crazed Simulant on a walkway. While the two of them meet to discuss terms under a supposed truce with no weapons, it turns out the two of them have been lying through their teeth:
    Simulant: Guess what? (Produces a knife from behind his back) I lied.
    Lister: Guess what? (Produces a steel pipe from behind his back) So did I.
    Simulant: But I lied... (Produces an assault rifle from behind his back) Twice.
    Lister: (Pause) Didn't think of that.
  • Shortly after this, the Cat whacks the Simulant around the head with a shovel. As they are still in the Justice Zone and the consequences of any crimes committed happen to the perpetrator instead of the victim, you can guess what happens next.
    • Well, Cat could've toppled over arse-over-tit, but his face freezes in mid-'victory' as he falls backwards, which is what makes it really funny.
  • Kryten's "The Reason You Suck" Speech is a close contender, as he proposes that Rimmer could not be deemed guilty of any crime as he is far too incompetent to be responsible for his actions.
    • Especially when Rimmer objects to Kryten's defense, which Kryten presents as further evidence of his point.
  • The entirety of Rimmer's re-trial is hilarious - Lister taking the stand is laugh out loud funny all on its own.
    Kryten: Name?
    Lister: Dave Lister.
    Kryten: Occupation?
    Lister: (thinks a second) Bum.
  • The end of the 'space mumps' sequence. Rimmer's slide-show about engines is interrupted by a squelch from offscreen, and Cat enters covered in gunge.
    Cat: (almost paralysed by shock) His — head — burst.
    Lister: Oh, that is so much better. I feel good! Talk about a weight off your mind.
    Cat: I don't wanna live! Please, somebody - shoot me in the head!
    • Also the slide-show itself, especially Kryten's expression during the following exchange:
      Kryten: Sir, can we just take a break for a while? My intelligence circuits appear to have melted.
      Rimmer: Well, we're not going to get through them all if we have a second break!
      Kryten: Sir, that's a gamble I'm willing to take.

White Hole
  • The repeating time scene was truly outstanding, especially as they came to realize it and struggled to overcome the random time skips and repeats, not helped by the Cat's inability to focus, so that after several repeats and finally deciding on a plan (or at least a way to get a plan):
    Cat: So what is it? (the start of the loop talk for the Nth time)
    Lister: Oh, somebody punch him out.
  • From the same episode the reveal that Lister used a trick shot, and the toaster's constant badgering of people for well, toast, even in the face of an impending disaster. Or using something 6ft long, fairly sturdy, with a flat top, or Rimmer's sneering dismissal of Captain Oates, revealing what he would have done were he Scott. Frankly the whole episode was like a Crowning Moment for the series.
  • There's also Rimmer's reaction when asked to sacrifice his life for the rest of the crew.
    Kryten: Well the Space Corp directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation a hologramatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.
    Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly: No chance you metal bastard.
  • The best part was right at the end when time is all put right and the Reset Button is slowly causing everything to revert back to what it was before, and Kryten uses the fact that they won't remember anything to deliver one last awesome insult towards Rimmer.
    Kryten: We'll cease to be here, because none of this will have occurred. But we will exist back on Red Dwarf before all this began, with, of course, no memory of these events, which, of course, never happened. And as these events never happened, we'll have no memory of them. In which case, Mr. Rimmer, sir, I should like to take this opportunity of saying that you are the most obnoxious, trumped-up, farty little smeghead it has ever BEEN MY MISFORTUNE TO ENCOUNTER!!! Ha!

Dimension Jump
  • Lister describing the 'fishing' he did in Liverpool... which involved no fish.

Meltdown
  • This scene:
    Lister: Hang on, these guys aren't Nazis. They're all wearing different period costumes. There's one who looks like Al Capone, there's one like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon! Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history have been gathered together in one place. Oh my God, there's James Last! I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection!
    Cat: What are they doing?
    Lister: They're all just lining up in...in some kind of firing squad. (sounds from outside) Whoa, whoa, 'ang on, 'ang on, someone's being brought out! They're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie the Pooh!
    Cat: What?!
    Lister: Winnie the Pooh, I swear. He's refusing the blindfold.
    Cat: They're tying Winnie the Pooh to the stake?
    (gunfire)
    Lister: (slumps to the ground) That's something nobody should ever have to see.
  • Anything with Caligula.
    "RASPUTIN! Bring hither the skin-diving suit with the bottom cut out, and unleash the rampant wildebeest!"
    • Particularly the way Caligula, whenever Cat says anything insulting or idiotic, slaps Lister in response.
      Lister: [To Cat] SHUT! UP!
  • The end of the episode, where Lister takes Rimmer's Light Bee and swallows it in revenge for what Rimmer put them through.

    Series V 
Holoship
  • The whole "Binks to Enlightenment" scene from "Holoship", but especially the moment when, after Lister finishes talking into his cigarette box, he eats the cigarette that's sticking out.
  • When the Holoship first beams Rimmer over:
    Kryten: They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!
    Cat: Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back!

The Inquisitor
  • From the end:
    Kryten: I do believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir.
    Lister: Give you five? I can do better than that. (holds up severed hand) I can give you fifteen.
  • Cat's defence to the Inquisitor (who has taken on Cat's image and voice):
    Inquisitor: I have to ask you the question: justify your existence. What contribution have you made?
    Cat: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!
    Inquisitor: That's true!
    Cat:: Can I go now?
    Inquisitor: That's your case?
    Cat: You need more?!
    Inquisitor: I might say, that's a pretty shallow argument!
    Cat: Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy. But a shallow guy with a great ass!
    • Even funnier, it works.
  • Lister's commentary on the Trojan Horse:
    Lister: I mean, the Greeks have been camped outside Troy, kerpowing, zapping, and kersplatting the Trojans for the best part of a decade, yeah?
    Rimmer: So?
    Lister: So all of a sudden they wake up one mornin' and the Greeks have gone. And there outside the city walls they've left this gift; this tribute to their valiant foes: a huge wooden horse, just large enough to happily contain 500 Greeks in full battle dress and still leave adequate room for toilet facilities? Are you telling me not one Trojan goes, "Hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny prezzy. What's wrong with a couple hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave?" No, they don't — they just wheel it in and all decide to go for an early night! People that stupid deserve to be kerpowed, zapped and kersplatted in their beds! You know what the big joke is? From this particular phase in history we derive the phrase, "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts," when it would be much more logical to derive the phrase, "Beware of Trojans, they're complete smegheads!"

Terrorform
  • Lister thinks a tarantula (actually one of Kryten's hands) is crawling up his leg, and is too scared to talk so he types out requests for help:
    Lister: > Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a taranshula [sic]
    The Cat: You're playing that dumb adventure game.
    Lister: > It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest
    The Cat: Then buy a potion from Gandalf, the master wizard. That's what I usually do.
    Lister: > I'm SERIOUS.
    (The Cat looks down, then starts typing)
    The Cat: > It has an eye the size of a meatball
    Lister: > Kill it
    The Cat: > How?
    Lister: > I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me.
    The Cat: > I'm scared
    Lister: > YOU'RE scared. How d'you think I feel?
    The Cat: > You haven't SEEN it!
  • Kryten calmly and politely telling Rimmer all the reasons why he would hate himself for over a minute. And then complaining about Rimmer interrupting him halfway.

Quarantine
  • This:
    Ax-Crazy hologram: Hello, My name is Dr. Hildegaard Langstrom, and I am quite, quite mad.
    Rimmer: (with fake enthusiasm) Are you really? How absolutely splendid!
    Ax-Crazy hologram: I have a riddle for you. What is dead, and dead, and dead all over?
    Rimmer: (his fake smile vanishes) I give in, Dr. Fruit Loop, do tell.
    Ax-Crazy hologram: (singsong) Youuuuu! (the console explodes)
    Rimmer: ... well, we know what to get you for Christmas! A double lobotomy and ten rolls of rubber wallpaper!
  • "Mr Flibble's very cross."
  • Kryten gets an ax in the back, and takes the Non Sequitur Thud to the next level. Watch it here.
  • Rimmer's Creepy Monotone is what truly sells this scene:
    Rimmer: You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress... and army boots... and you think that's un-amiss?
    Lister: Well we've passed the test, Rimmer. You can let us out.
    Rimmer: I can't let you out.
    Lister: Why not?
    Rimmer: Because the King of the Potato People won't let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here. Keep you here for ten years.
    The Cat: Could we see him?
    Rimmer: See who?
    The Cat: The King.
    Rimmer: Do you have a magic carpet?
    Lister: Yeah, a little three-seater.
    Rimmer: So, let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?
  • Holovirus-Rimmer is what everyone seems to remember, but the three other Dwarfers get some pretty good moments just by being stuck together in the quarantine chamber before learning how crazy Rimmer's gone.
  • This exchange:
    Rimmer: ..And fulfilling all Space Corps dietary requirements, dinner tonight, gentlemen, will consist of sprout soup, followed by sprout salad, and for dessert, I think you'll like it, rather unusual, sprout crumble.
    Lister: Rimmer, you know damn well sprouts make me chuck.
    Rimmer: Well this is awful! I've got you down for sprouts almost every meal! [shakes head] I tell a lie, it is every meal!
  • The bit at the beginning where they're exploring the abandoned medical facility is pure gold, thanks to Robert Llewellyn's absolutely perfect delivery:
    Kryten: There is no need for alarm, sir. If there were any dangerous viral strains in the atmosphere, the Psi-scan would have picked them up by now. (beat) [whacks scanner]
    Kryten: .... It's never done that before. Stupid cheap damn Martian power packs...
    The Cat: (freaking out) So what's the news?
    Kryten: Well, if I could just beg your indulgence for a few seconds more, sir, the old 345 takes a little time to warm up... [shakes scanner a few more times] Still, it out-performs the 346 in eight out of nine bench tests. Small wonder, then, that it secured "Psi-scan of the Year, Best Budget Model" three years running. Ah. Now here are the results. Yep. And we're going to... live!

Demons And Angels
  • Kryten is looking in the Low Red Dwarf fridge. "Eugh, toastie toppers. Cinema hot dogs! Oh, sweaty kebabs with stringy brown lettuce coming out! Ugh!"
    • Then they find the Lows' videos.
      Cat: "Look at this movie collection. Revenge of the Mutant Splat Gore Monsters. Die Screaming With Sharp Things In Your Head.
  • When the Lows begin attacking the High and the regular crew.
    High Cat: Brother, there is a grievous fault with thine weapon. It keepeth shooting people!
    He is shot in the chest and begins to bleed copiously.
    High Cat: (with absolutely no change in tone) See, there it goes again!
    • Then High Kryten is shot and dragged away from danger by the regulars.
    High Kryten: The poor man has a faulty gun! He's accidentally shot me five times! Oh, how I love him!

Back To Reality
  • Kryten, Lister and Cat are dosed with a despair-inducing toxin while inside a "seeding ship" at the bottom of an ocean while Rimmer remained aboard Starbug:
    Rimmer: [There's something large] Directly above you, about 2000 fathoms and diving.
    Lister: Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer. You know the state we're in and you have to go and give us news like that. You couldn't have lied?
    Rimmer: I was lying. It's only 1000 fathoms.
  • When we first see the crew out of the hallucination, during the 'car chase'.
  • The Cat's alter ego Dwayne Dibbley. Any time. Every time. In this episode, he is so shocked that he does nothing but say "Dwayne Dibbley?" at intervals for five or ten minutes.

    Series VI 
Psirens
  • The gory writing on the floor leads to some discussion:
    Kryten: The poor devil must have written it using a combination of his own blood and even his own intestines.
    Rimmer: But who would do that?
    Lister: Someone who badly needed a pen.
    The Cat: What I wanna know is why he went to the trouble of using his own kidney as a full-stop.
    Rimmer: I don't think he meant to do that. I think it just... plopped out.
  • "A little survival tip, bud: never play your guitar in front of a man with a loaded gun."

Legion
  • That lightbulb gag: along with the above "Polymorph" scene, it's Red Dwarf's equivalent of Del Boy falling through the bar. Even a Dalek appreciated it!
    Rimmer: Step up to red alert.
    Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
  • This exchange:
    Rimmer: May I remind you all of Space Corps Directive 34124?
    Kryten: 34124: No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.
  • "...The light switch."
    • "... I couldn't buy it, then." "Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off."
  • "Did you truly believe I would be deceived by that schlock plan from Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls?"

Gunmen Of The Apocalypse
  • Lister as a Vindaloovian, with googly eyes on his chin.

Polymorph II: Emohawk
  • "I'm just gonna go and slip into something more comfortable. It's called Starbug."
  • "CHANGE OF PLAN! LEEEEEG IIIIIIIT!!!!"
  • "You may now kiss the bride, sir." "Without a bag?!"
  • The group go looking for the Emohawk, with Lister freaking out and firing at random objects. Kryten tries to defuse this:
    Kryten: Sir, try and remain calm - you're experiencing a classic knee-jerk paranoid reaction to a terror situation. It's essential at this time that we - IT'S THE WALL!!!! *blasts the wall, then composes himself* Shame overload. I-I-I-I... sorry.
  • After the crash, Rimmer notes that most of the cargo and stock has been destroyed, leading to this:
    Kryten: At least Mr. Lister's guitar survived intact!
    *Cat grabs it from Kryten and smashes it against the floor, handing him back the destroyed instrument*
    Kryten: Not even Mr. Lister's guitar survived intact!

Rimmerworld
  • Possibly the best subversion of the Zany Scheme ever.
    Lister: There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rip up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'Bug!
    Kryten: Or we could use the teleporter.
  • After escaping the derelict Simulant ship:
    Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
    Kryten: Sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer!
    Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
  • Also, as Rimmer's escape pod is zooming out of range:
    Rimmer: That's ridiculous! You've got to find a way of getting me back!
    Kryten: Well, we could try to bring you down with a round from a laser cannon, sir.
    Cat: Form an orderly queue behind the gun-sight!
  • Before they board the ship, the discussion about whether it's safe for Lister. Rimmer's expressions make it even funnier:
    Kryten: This foolhardy trip beggars logic.
    Rimmer: Lister, we'd be fools not to listen to him. When is he ever wrong? All right, he may have a head shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float, but he does operate from a position of total logic, and we'd be fools to ignore his sage counsel.
    Kryten: At least let me and Mr Rimmer go in your place. We are, after all, merely electronic life-forms and therefore expendable.
    Rimmer: And what the smeg would YOU know, bog-bot from hell?!

Out Of Time
  • Starbug emerges from the first unreality pocket, in which the crew were led to believe Lister was an android:
    Lister: Tea up, sirs.
    Kryten: (realizing he made a dreadful mistake) Sir I -
    Lister: (walks in with a cover over the tea set, then removes it to reveal a model of a house with ...) What chu think of the picket fence?
  • The crew hit another unreality pocket that makes Starbug vanish around them and just has their four chairs zooming through space. When that one clears, as they panic:
    Lister: Look. All we've got to do is KEEP OUR HEADS.
    (Starbug hits another unreality pocket and all the crew's heads are changed to giant animal heads)

    Series VII 
Tikka To Ride

Stoke Me A Clipper
  • Ace Rimmer vs Those Wacky Nazis. See the Awesome entry for more details.
    "That was Ace Rimmer! We're lucky to be alive!" CRUSH
  • "Has anybody got any whipped cream?"
  • Rimmer attempts to be "the cougar running free and unfettered"... and conjures up a hamster on a wheel.
  • While the ending of the episode is mostly heartwarming, it goes out on a laugh: The new Ace Rimmer makes his dramatic exit... only to botch his own catch phrase (doing a Title Drop in the process) and then accidentally ejecting himself from his ship.

Ouroboros
  • "It's an obscene phone-call sir. I think it's for you."

Duct Soup
  • Kryten's Imagine Spot where Lister and Kochanski hook up and they end up kicking him off the ship, with the leaving present of a keyring with a 'C' on it.
  • Kochanski getting revenge on Kryten for the day's antics with the wrench - and having him say the different noises the pipes were making earlier each time she hits him.

Blue
  • The "Rimmer Song" which is equal parts hilarious (the lyrics) and terrifying (the visuals).
    • Just before the song, this exchange:
      Lister: I feel sick.
      Kryten: I'm sorry, sir, it is a bit bumpy.
      Lister: No, it's what I'm seeing is what's making me sick.
    • Now, it's longer. With an Introduction from Kryten. What could be better?

Beyond A Joke
  • Kryten stalking Lister and the gang and setting various traps for them in the virtual Pride and Prejudice, before finally just blowing them up. With a tank.
    Kryten: Is there any confusion as to the supper situation? No? Excellent!

Epideme
  • After Kochanski cuts off Lister's right arm:
    Lister: My left arm! My left arm, I said! That's my right! What kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right??
  • This exchange:
    Kryten: D'you know, I had you marked down as a bit of a madam, but I really have to accept that I'm going to have to get to like you at that. I mean, you do annoy me to some degree but...
    [Beat.]
    Kryten: MISTER LISTER!!!!
  • Cat doing a brilliant mid-sentence fall and remaining motionless while the above is going on.

Nanarchy
  • Cat trying to make Lister feel better by comparing him to a three-legged pitbull terrier while playing draughts. Lister keeps asking him to make his move and he misinterprets Lister's shouting of "Move!" as a rejection.

    Series VIII 
Back In The Red
  • Anytime Rimmer doses himself with the Sexual Magnetism Virus. Cue the porn guitar!
  • Lister annoying the absolute hell out of Rimmer in the opening scene by telling him about his relationship with Yvonne McGruder.
    Lister: BOTH CHEEKS, MAN! She nearly wore them down to the bone! *Lister leans back in his chair and rocks, making lewd squeaking noises*
    Rimmer: (with all the fury of a volcano erupting) WILL YOU SHUT UP?!
  • Starbug accidentally flying into a giant rat, briefly getting stuck and carrying it with them. Then Holly deadpanning: "Hope we don't get stopped by the cops. They don't like it when you're rat-arsed."
    • Just before that:
    Kryten: "We're on Red Alert!"
    Cat: "Never mind Red Alert, we're all the way up to Brown Alert!"
    Kryten: "There's no such thing as Brown Alert, sir."
    Cat: "You won't be saying that in a minute!!"
  • We find out how Hollister got his commission:
    Capt. Hollister: "I also suspect someone, possibly Lister, has given Rimmer access to the ship's confidential files, and is using this information to blackmail his way up the chain of command. It's sickening. It's unforgivable. But it's a technique that can work. I should know, I used the same method myself to become captain. If the crew find out I'm really just Dennis the Doughnut boy, I'm finished."
  • Rimmer's extra-special salute. It takes about a minute to complete.
  • Lister, Cat, Kochanski and Kryten disguise themselves as the Dibbley family using mop-heads and false teeth. Take a look...

Cassandra
  • "A-one! A-two! A-onetwothreefour!" "You are the sunshine of my liiiiife..."
  • Kill Crazy psyching himself up for the mission only to knock himself unconscious charging out of the diving bell.
  • Rimmer finally gets into bed with Kochanski, knowing he dies by Lister harpooning him for this. Right as Lister walks through the door with a harpoon gun.
    Rimmer: This must be the night they set the clocks forward!

Krytie TV
  • Any time Rimmer shrieks, screams, or growls "THE APPEAL".

Pete
  • The delayed fight, where Rimmer and Lister feel the effects of getting beaten up much later, while in the Captain's Office. The flying leaps make for some good physical comedy, even if Series 8 is unpopular.
  • Lister and Rimmer are introduced to a mad fellow prisoner holding a sparrow:
    Prisoner: They call me...Birdman.
    Lister: Oh. (beat) Why's that?
    Rimmer: Because he really likes instant custard, why d'you think?!
  • This exchange:
    Lister: Hol: need some advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?
    Holly: What do you want  the long or the short version?
    Lister: Oh. Long.
    Holly: You're finished.
    (beat)
    Cat: ...What's the short version?
    Holly: Bye.
  • Lister sets a trap for Pete the T-rex with a giant vindaloo made from a whole cow as the bait. Rimmer is sceptical:
    Rimmer: T. Rexes don't like curry.
    Lister: They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries! If a T. Rex was a bloke, he'd be a Geordie - the kind of guy who wears T-shirts in winter and his nipples don't even get hard.
    Rimmer: A seven-ton theropod is not gonna eat Indian food. They like flesh, preferably living, liberally coated in blood with a side order of intestines and extra blood - a bit like the French in that respect.

Only The Good

     Back To Earth 
  • The ludicrously over-the-top Enhance Button scene in Part 22. After getting a photo of their actors they spot a business card for one of the crew, but need the address on the other side. Cue an extremely long and complicated scene of Rimmer using the H on his head, then a droplet on a lamp post and lastly reflection of a glass door, filled with zooms, enhances, rotations and flops to finally get the address of the owner of Nose World. Only for Kryten to say...
    Kryten: Sir wouldn't it have been easier to look him up in the phone book?

    Series X 
Trojan
  • "A moose!"
  • Kryten's tirade upon being left on hold.
    • Lister's own tantrum when he faces a dilemma between answering the customer service complaint call or not getting shot to death: "THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE STIR-MASTER ANYMORE, KRYTEN!"
  • All of the resentment attacks
  • Rimmer confessing that he lied to his dying brother.
    Arnold: Howard, I too have a confession. You know when I told you I was an officer in the space corps, this is my ship, I've been married three times and I've got two Lamborghini's Sesto Elementos?
    Howard: Yes?
    Arnold: It was a lie... I've only got one (turns to Kryten) I feel so much better now.
  • "Turning right NOW, ma'am!"
    Cat, Kryten, Lister and Rimmer all lean right.
  • "No, we just hosed him down and gave him a hat."

Fathers and Suns
  • Lister using a combination of the new computer's predictive abilities and alcohol-induced amnesia to have a The Tape Knew You Would Say That-style conversation with himself as a father and son.
    • Relating to this, Lister's amusing Father's Day ritual in which he writes himself a card a year in advance, gets completely blotto so he can't remember what he wrote in it, then gets Kryten to take it and deliver it back to him a year later.
  • "Kryten, as the highest-ranking Officer of this ship, I order you to give the new computer 36D breasts!"
  • Rimmer discovering that the new ship computer is programmed to predict his orders in advance and carry them out. Leading to the destruction of B-deck in the attempt to repair it.
    Rimmer: Are you telling me that you knew I'd cock it up, so you cocked it up for me?!
  • Rimmer referring to the new female computer as a "mad goth bastard!"

Lemons
  • A line so good, they had to put it in the trailer.
    Lister: Really? Jesus...
    Jesus: Yes?
  • Lister and Jesus getting into a slap fight.
  • "You make a lot of people happy! Look at me. I presumed that throughout history all famous people were amazing. And then I met you! And then I realised they're not. In fact, you're a bit of a knob!" Keep in mind that Lister says this while delivering a pep talk to the man he thinks is the Son of God.
  • The fact that, of all the possibilities, Jesus has a Sunderland accent.

Entangled
  • Kryten drying the cutlery with his, ahem, heat outlet.
  • Kryten tells Rimmer that Lister has lost him in a poker game:
    Cat: We're all deeply sorry, bud. Except for me and him and him.
  • Rimmer finds a woman who's interested in him only for Lister to accidentally flush her out an airlock.
  • The Cat's CV (nice beat):
    "Does not work!
    Does not clean!
    Will have sex with a-ny
    thing!"

Dear Dave
  • The vending machine who has always dreamed of seeing around the corner.
  • Lister giving a long and heartfelt speech about what a wonderful person his ex-girlfriend Haley was and how he knows she will have been a wonderful mother regardless of who fathered her children, while trying to nerve himself up to open the envelope which will tell him whether or not he was the father of her baby (and still unsure whether or not he hopes it was him). Followed by a beat while he opens the envelope, followed by:
    Lister: What a total slag!
  • The entire Charades sequence.
    Rimmer: Your clothes are hanging on the line, and the mail pod crashed into them? How’s that two words?
    Cat: Cos when it happened, I said, "Oh man!"

The Beginning
  • Rimmer being every bit the pompous Rules Lawyer in trying to surrender, even when the rogue simulants are firing on his ship. And then awesomely subverting it.
  • The effects of Kryten's ship-wide search of weapons. Two forks and a pencil sharpener.
  • The crew are reminded of how they got out of other problems, such as the ending to "Only the Good". Rimmer gets cut off by Cat before he can say what happened.
  • Subverting You Have Failed Me.
    • (After the subordinate disembowels himself) "Firstly, polish my Sword of Spite".
    • "Secondly, write me a formal letter of apology."
  • The Dominator ordering his subordinate executed for questioning his orders after asking them to question his orders.
  • After ten series of self doubt Rimmer is finally able to save the day thanks to amazing advice from The Cat.
  • The inversion of the I Am Your Father trope. Rimmer and the Dwarfers discover that the man Rimmer thought was his father was not, and that his real father was 'Dungo', the family gardener:
    Rimmer: But he was a babbling imbecile!
    Lister: A billion piece jigsaw suddenly falls into beautiful place.

    Other 

Smeg Ups
  • Any and all moments from the outtakes, which include Chris Barrie doing random impersonations of Kenneth Williams, every kind of screw-up on the part of the cast, and Craig Charles taking abuse from everyone.
  • A particular moment, during the filming of "Terrorform", where the Dwarfers are taking a boat through a swamp. Craig Charles stands up in the boat (trying to light his cigarette on one of the flame jets coming out of the swamp) and we hear the stern voice of one of the crew:
    Crew Member: Craig!? Craig - Craig, don't bugger about!
    Craig Charles: *in a high-pitched voice* Nehnehneh, don't bugger about!
  • From "Gunmen", Craig Charles attempts to walk away from the AR machine, but forgets to remove the groinal attachment first.
  • From "Emohawk", Bobby mixes up his words and dubs a prop 'Mr Guitar'. This is followed by a song and dance and an in-character explanation of the mistake.
    You see for me everything's mister; (points at a flask) Mr Flask, (points at Danny) Mr Cat, (points up) Mr Microphone, (points at himself) Mr Rather-Sad-Nob!
    • Also from "Emohawk", Danny John-Jules (as Dwayne Dibbley) has to recite a Long List of items, which he actually pulls off...only for Chris Barrie (as Ace Rimmer) to corpse. Repeatedly.
  • From "Meltdown", the entire exchange from the scene where they've teleported into the chimney:
    Craig Charles: Stone. (knocks on wall, which makes a very obvious hollow wooden sound)
    (audience laughs uproariously; Danny John-Jules starts laughing too)
    Danny John-Jules: (knocks on wall too) "Stone"!
    Craig Charles: Yeah. (shouts at audience) They were gonna sort that out in the dub!
  • Robert Llewellyn's various deadpan reactions to forgetting his lines:
    "Relocating Red Dwarf's vapour trail, at present speed and course... we're going to be doing something else. (Normal voice) No idea what the rest of that line was. Might as well be doing a song and dance routine (starts singing)"
    "We can't just surrender sir, they... do something very complicated."
    (Walks in carrying tray) "I wondered if you'd..." (stops and walks out again. Craig waves him goodbye)
    • The best part is that he always manages to stay in character as he does so.
  • And when Danny forgets his lines:
    Robert: (in Kryten's voice) "Anything else coming Mr. Cat?"
    • An epic flub in the episode 'Rimmerworld' - after Rimmer's shocked response of "600 years?!" it cuts to Danny, and, having forgotten his line, a giant smirk crosses his face.
  • "Lister she's just a computer... p-pa-pussy!" (Chris is supposed to say "Computer sprite".)
  • From the Polymorph smeg ups: "It's sleeping off a four course meal of fiv, ven... (laughter) *sigh* and dyslexia."
  • From the Series V smeg-ups: Well, it is one of the risks of wearing a full-body robot costume...
    Robert, with a scrunched-up face and in the Yorkshire accent he uses for Spare Head 3: "I've just crapped me pants." (Audience laughs their heads off; Hattie starts doing the same face in the background.)
  • The Inquisitor: The main four start flipping the V's at the camera and at John Docherty (Inquisitor) at the other end of the set, all the while pulling funny faces. Eventually, John gets fed up of waiting and joins in.

Commentaries
  • "Look at the HAM! HAM DRIPPING OFF HIM! HAM CITY!"
  • Norman Lovett being the Butt Monkey of the cast as they comment on every single flaw in his appearance.
  • "It's Tony Hawwwks!" (Also adopted by fan podcasts)
  • Chloe Annett's many crazy hairstyles.
  • "Other Xs are available."
  • Impressions of Doug Naylor and the rest of the crew. "Yeah, no, yeah. It's funneh."
    • The brilliant conversation during Psirens about Doug justifying filming asteroid scenes in a quarry off the M25 rather than somewhere more exotic:
    Danny (impersonating Doug): Yeah, it's funny because the word "quarry"'s funny.
    Bobby (impersonating Doug): Yeah, what's funny about filming in Morocco? No!
    Chris (impersonating Doug): Although we don't say the word "quarry", it's still funny, yeah.
    • During Quarantine, the whole conversation about Rob, Doug and Rocket:
    Danny (as Rob) We-we've got a scene 'ere — i-i-i-i-i-i' IS a scene, isn't it, Doug?
    Danny (as Doug) Yeah, I think so, it is a scene, yeah.
    Danny (as Rob) Right, Rocket, now — is that — what's that? A camera, isn't it?
  • Mocking the dark lighting in which Danny becomes invisible. It turns out they had the contrast turned down.
  • Some of the "alternative" cast introductions are hilarious:
    Chris: Hello, I'm Chris Barrett, the star of Red Pilot.
    Craig: I'm Craig David.
    Danny: I'm Daniella Westbrook.
    Bobby: And I'm Roberta Lou-Ellen. I used to be in Dallas.
  • All the rest of the cast impersonating Craig Charles on the Series V commentaries, where he was absent due to being ill. "So, Craig, what do you think about this episode?" "Ehh, I dunno, y'know, I thought it was a bit pony..."
  • From "The Bodysnatcher Collection": Doug Naylor's anecdote about the time he went to see a taping of The Young Ones (directed by Red Dwarf executive producer Paul Jackson). After one too many screw-ups, Paul stormed onto the set and loudly berated the cast in front of the audience in such an over-the-top hilarious way that Doug thought to himself, "Oh, what a brilliant example of Breaking the Fourth Wall! They've even got the director in the show playing this horrendous Prima Donna Director character!" It wasn't an act.

Novels
  • When Lister and other recruits meet Holly for the first time and are allowed to test his knowledge by asking him anything:
    They all began shouting questions: "Who was the ... ?" "How many ... ?" "When did... ?" and, one by one, Holly got them right.
    Finally Petersen asked a question. "Why is the room going round and round?"
    "Because you're drunk," said Holly.
    "That's riiiiight!" Petersen clapped, delighted.
  • "Spaghettification. Let me guess. I can see only two options: one — due to the bizarre effects of the intense gravitational pull, and because we're entering a region of time and space where the laws of physics no longer apply, we all of us inexplicably develop an irresistible urge to consume vast amounts of a certain wheat-based Italian noodle conventionally served with Parmesan cheese; or two — we, the crew, get turned into spaghetti. I have a feeling we can eliminate option one."
  • Rimmer's complaints in the Android Brothel: "She nearly pulled the damn thing off! It was like being trapped in a milking machine!"
  • Kryten turns his hearing up to maximum when Rimmer asks him if he can hear anything and can only hear a beetle several decks away shuffling around. For simplicity he says he can't hear anything.
  • The novel's version of the funeral scene listed at the very top of this page uses the equally-funny "Heaven is 10 Zillion Light Years Away."

Online Interviews
  • In the Talkie Toaster interviews on the website, Talkie meets Legion, an entity that is composed of the consciousnesses of the people around him, even if it was only one person. This means that Talkie Toaster is stuck having his own toast obsession thrown back at him.
  • Doug Naylor on the Series X documentary is about to explain what happened at the end of Only The Good, only for the credits to roll.

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