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- The higher ranked officers paying their respects to George Macintyre - as "See You Later, Alligator" plays in the background.
- A guy in the background and one of the skutters are dancing along to the tune.
- Gordon Bennet, yes Chen, everybody. Everybody's Dead, Dave.
- "Never should've let him out in the first place..."
- "I've been eating half the crew!"
- Lister having gone to some lengths to smuggle the cat onboard and hide it from the rest of the crew, only to be foiled after he took a photo of himself with the cat and sent it down to the photography lab to be developed. It's kind of hilarious to think that THIS one event is what set the entire plot of the series in motion.
- The book explains that he did this on purpose because he WANTED to get caught with the cat and nobody had caught him out yet.
- A good early grasp of just how sad and pathetic and wavering Rimmer's grasp on reality is.
Rimmer: I submitted an essay on porous circuitry that was too... mould-breaking, too unconventional, too radical for the essay board to accept.Lister: Yeah, you said you were a fish.
- Lister's advice before Rimmer's exam: "Remember, Rimmer: F - I - S - H, and then you keel over."
- And then Rimmer takes his exam, only to find that he's smudged the notes written on his skin. What does he do? He puts his palm on the smudged ink, then presses it onto the exam paper before getting up, performing his own invented salute, and keeling over. It gets better in the novel, which explains this as him putting ink to paper in the hope that it would spontaneously form the right answer. In the history of test-taking, that's a new one.
- Lister's advice before Rimmer's exam: "Remember, Rimmer: F - I - S - H, and then you keel over."
- Amidst Rimmer and Lister's bickering:
Rimmer: Is that a cigarette you're smoking?Lister: Naw, it's a chicken.
- In the midst of Rimmer and Lister's argument, Toddhunter shows up to talk to them. The conversation drifts to Lister calling Rimmer a smeghead.
Rimmer: Lister, do you have any idea of the consequences of calling a superior officer a "smeghead"?Toddhunter: Oh, Rimmer, (places a hand on his shoulder) you are a smeghead.
- Rimmer's reaction to Lister rationalizing his apparent death:
Rimmer: It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future. Simple as that. Your bucket's been kicked, baby.
- Lister going through his morning routine, working over his armpits with what he thinks is deodorant. He then picks up another can and sprays it to his face, only to get a spray of aerosol instead of shaving cream. He stops for a second, checks that his armpits to see that they are now covered in shaving foam and applies it directly from his pits to his face.
- Holly messing with Rimmer's hair after he insults him, for not fixing his hair.
Rimmer: You are how you look, Lister, and I look - (he sees himself in the mirror) Like a complete and total TIT!
- And at the end of the episode, Rimmer insults Holly again. Cue Rimmer with a Beatles haircut.
- Holly is a little distressed by going at the speed of light.
Holly: We're going at the speed of light. That means by the time we've seen something we've already passed it. Even with an I.Q. of six thousand it's still Brown Trousers Time. (reacts to something) Gordon Bennett, that was a close one!
- This one exchange:
Rimmer: You can't whack Death on the head!Lister: If he comes near me I'm gonna rip his nipples off!
- FISH! Today's Fish is Trout a la Creme. Enjoy your meal! (repeat 5 more times)
- "I've been fished to death!"
- When Lister is lamenting why Rimmer of all people was brought back to keep him company:
Holly: He's the best person to keep you sane.
Lister: Oh, crap!
(A space-toilet pops out of the wall)
Lister: Not you!
Toilet: I do apologise, I wasn't paying attention. See you later!
- Holly allowing Peterson's arm to beat up Rimmer after he insults Holly's face.
- Lister's rebuttal to Rimmer's claim by inferral that aliens built the Egyptian Pyramids:
Lister: They had massive whips, Rimmer. Massive, massive whips.
- Lister stumbles across the dwelling of the last Cat priest, and threatens The Cat with a giant model sausage to make him not spill the truth to the blind priest.
- Rimmer finds out the truth about the "Quagaar coffin":
- Lister's reaction to some of the tenets of the Cat Religion.
Lister: I'm supposed to have given them five sacred laws! I've broken four of them myself! I'd have broken the fifth but there's no sheep on board.
- The exchange between Cat and Lister when Lister is trying to convince Cat that he's "Cloister the Stupid":
Cat: Listen, you stupid monkey! Cloister's another name for... for God!Lister: That's what I'm sayin'! I. Am. Your. God!Cat: (beat) OK. (pushes his bowl of cereal across in front of Lister) Turn this into a woman.Lister: I'm serious.Cat: So am I!
- "Hey monkey, you're sick! Sick, helpless and unconscious! (beat) If you weren't my friend, I'd steal your shoes."
- "Oxygen's for losers!"
- "In space, no one can hear you cha-cha-cha."
- This exchange:
Rimmer: What's more important, a man's life or your smegging lunch?
Cat: That doesn't even deserve an answer. [Begins to eat his lunch]
- This line:
Confidence: Ding dong! Another great idea from the people who brought you beeeeeer milkshakes!
- Just the way Lister says this line always got me:
Lister: "What do you mean you killed him, cha cha cha?!"
- The entire scene at the end where Rimmer laments about Gazpacho Soup day. After Lister promises Rimmer that he would never bring the topic up again, Rimmer suggests that they go and have a drink. Lister's response: "Souper".
- Even better when you see the Smeg-Ups version, where they just kept the camera rolling, and all the actors cracked up giggling.
- Rimmer and his double fighting in the movie theater, culminating in one Rimmer making a shadow puppet (which is even funnier if you watch the extended version)
Rimmer: [high-pitched voice] Hello! What do you think of Arnold Rimmer? [blows several raspberries]
- Holly's opening monologue:
"As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?"
- The dog's milk gag, sold (as ever) by Norman Lovett's deadpan delivery.
Lister: Dog's milk?!Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other other type of milk, dog's milk.Lister: Why?Holly: No bugger'll drink it. Plus, of course, the advantage of dog's milk is when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.Lister: Why didn't you tell me, man?Holly: What, and spoil your tea?
- The result of Cat's preparations for meeting some real life women.
- The crew of Red Dwarf finally meet the lovely ladies of the Nova 5 - "I think the blonde one's giving you the eye." And then Kryten comes back back from making the tea and is informed all three are dead:
"My god... I was only away two minutes!"
- This quickfire dialogue qualifies:
Lister: Drop dead, Rimmer.
Rimmer: Already have done.
- Lister, having accidentally left the iron on his best pair of trousers, proceeds to cover up the resulting hole by spray painting his exposed buttock with black paint.
- The Androids theme tune, which is not unlike the one from Neighbours.
- Kryten's rebellion, while mainly a Moment of Awesome, is also hilarious, especially with Chris Barrie clearly struggling to keep a straight angry face.
- Lister reveals he has had an education, including art college. Rimmer asks him how this is possible.
Rimmer: How did you get into art college?Lister: The normal way. The ordinary, normal, boring way. Failed me exams and applied, they snapped me right up.
- And following up to that, Lister reveals how long he was there: 97 minutes.
- Better Than Life; the game that gives you all of your fantasies. And Rimmer breaks it.
Rimmer: Our faces have been smeared with jam and we're about to be eaten alive by killer ants.Cat: Why?!Rimmer: Why not?
- Or earlier during the same episode. Rimmer, in the game, finally sees his father.
Rimmer's Dad: I just wanted to say...Rimmer: Yes?Rimmer's Dad: I just wanted to say... you're a total smeghead!Rimmer: What? This isn't my fantasy!Cat: No, it's mine. (steals Rimmer's cigar and exits)
- And between the two:
Lister: Rimmer, how did you fantasise having seven kids and a mortgage?
- Rimmer sits down in a restaurant next to Lister and The Cat and takes some food.
Lister: Whoa Rimmer, you can touch things!Rimmer: I know, why do you think I was so late? (makes a sexually obscene arm gesture)
- The scene in the Observation Dome cemented Rimmer's status as Jerkass Woobie, but it's also a cavalcade of graveyard humour:
Rimmer: [Father] had this fixation that we all had to get into the Space Corps. At meal times he'd ask us questions on astronavigation. If we got them wrong — no food.Lister: God, Rimmer, how did you cope with that?Rimmer: I didn't, I nearly died of malnutrition.
Lister: I remember when my dad died, y'know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone, like it was Christmas. And I remember wishing— I remember wishing a couple more people could die so I could complete my Lego set. My grandma tried to explain, y'know — she said that he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back. So I wanted to know where, like, y'know. And she said he was very happy, and he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish... so I thought they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U-bend, y'know? And I used to stuff food down, and magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end, when they found me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results.
- Lister's story of when his own adopted father died, especially because of the very natural and low-key way he tells it:
Cat: (singing) My-stomach-has-been-pumped-and-now-I'm-hungry! Hey, there you are! Hey man, I'm so hungry, I just have to eat!Lister: Shhhhh. Rimmer's dad's died.Cat: I'd prefer chicken.
- At the end, after Rimmer, has finally opened up about his father, the Cat enters yowling and destroys the moment.
- At the start of the episode there's a news report about a newly discovered missing page from The Bible, a Dedication that states This Is a Work of Fiction.
Lister: Do you know what I fancy right now?
Rimmer: A big, fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's?
- Rimmer (about the 'sandwich'): I feel like I'm having a baby!
- Lister can't remember where he got the recipe, but says that he thinks it was "a book on bacteriological warfare."
- "This is impossible, it could be anywhere. It's like trying to find a fart in a Jacuzzi."
- When a highly sloshed Rimmer starts telling Lister embarrassing things, Lister warns him that when he sobers up in the morning, he'll realise what he's done and be in total horror. Sure enough, when Rimmer comes to... he even does the exact gesture Lister said he'd do.
- Any time when Past Rimmer sees anything from the future, leading up to two separate nervous breakdowns. One of which involves thinking Hollister, dressed up as a chicken, is a hallucination, and the other involves responding to three Listers, two Future Rimmers, the Cat and Kochanski showing up in his quarters arguing.
Rimmer: THREE Listers! Splendid! Perhaps Lister here would like to go over to the fridge and open a bottle of wine for Lister and Lister! Rimmer here doesn't drink, because he's dead, but I wouldn't mind a glass!
Rimmer: Before anyone says anything else, I'd just like to make a little speech: GO AWAAAAYYYYYY!!!!
- Bonus points for:
Future!Rimmer: No, look. I'm you from the future. I've come to warn you, in three million years you'll be dead.
Past!Rimmer: Will I really?
- The Cat gets confused by the multiple Listers.
The Cat: (to both Listers, while holding a chicken leg) If you're him, and he's you, then who the hell am I?! And who's eating this chicken?!
- Queeg on Holly's intelligence.
Queeg: There is a six in it, but it isn't 6000.
Lister: Well what is it then?
Holly: Six?! Do me a lemon, that's a bad IQ for a glass of water, that is!
- Holly uses Tottenham Hotspurs in his Unusual Euphemism lines when Queeg continually puts him down.
- Holly revealing that he was Queeg all along.
- "We are talking jape of the decade." Witness how long Norman Lovett rides the laugh on that line.
- Holly calling on the crew, forgetting what he was going to tell them, then telling them after the event has occurred, "Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship."
- Lister's Queeg enforced rations: A piece of bread and a single, solitary pea. Which Lister manages to lose.
Lister: I've lost me pea!
- He then launches into a tirade about how it's his pea, and he doesn't care where it's gone. Right up until he realises it's gone into his sock basket.
- "Tongue Tied". The entire smegging song!
- Cat's face after the Dog shows off his dancing skills.
- Cat's face after he first meets the Dog.
- This exchange, as Lister is taking a pregnancy test after sleeping with his Distaff Counterpart.
Rimmer: What colour is it supposed to turn?Lister: Blue for not pregnant, which is the colour it's going to turn.Rimmer: And red for pregnant?Lister: Yes.Rimmer: Come on, you reds!!!
- And as the test almost finishes:
Rimmer: It's blue for not pregnant, right?Lister: YES!Rimmer: Oh, good news! Excellent news, Listie!Lister: Oh, thank god!Rimmer: I'm going to be an uncle!(Cue Oh, Crap! look on Lister's face.)
- And as the test almost finishes:
- Arnold and Arlene's reaction after they find out that Deb and Dave have slept with each other:
Arnold: You pieces of filth! How could you commit an act of carnal knowledge?Arlene: In my bunk? On my sheets? Using my springs? How could you even contemplate making... love... to yourself?Arnold: Well, why break the habit of a lifetime?
- Three words: Backwards bar fight.
- One word: Unrumble!
- The Cat's bathroom break at the end of the episode.
- "Do you think Wilma's sexy?"
- "But what are we doing? This conservations is crazy! ...She'd never leave Fred and we know it!"
- This epic exchange during Kryten's driving test:
Rimmer: (points to book of space road signs) What's that one?
Holly: (looking through windscreen) A time hole!
Rimmer: Don't help him!
Kryten: (also now looking through windscreen) It's a time hole!
Rimmer: No it isn't, it's nothing like a time hole!
(the camera angle changes to show a swirling orange mass into which Starbug is now heading)
Holly: It's a time hole.
Kryten: It is! It's a time hole!
Rimmer: (impatiently) A time hole is a phenomenon rarely seen in space, which legend would have us believe transports us into another part of space and time. (points to book) Whereas that is quite obviously a blue giant about to go supernova! (points through windscreen) THAT is a time hole. (points to book again) Right, what's this? (Rimmer's eyes widen and he slowly turns back to look at the time hole)
(Starbug enters the time hole and emerges in the backwards Earth; we see a bird flying backwards, a rabbit moving backwards, and steam falling onto the surface of the lake into which Starbug has crashed; cut to inside, where fish are swimming backwards past the window as Rimmer taps his clipboard against his hand and shakes his head)
Kryten: I suppose you're going to fail me for this?
- As revealed in the Smeg Ups special (and in a DVD extra), the Manager's rant is merely the actor ranting about how sad anyone would be to play this in reverse to make sense of what he's saying.
- The conversation about life in a world where time flows backwards:
Kryten: Take war. War is a wonderful thing here! In fifty years time, the second world war will start — backwards!Cat: And that's a good thing?Kryten: Millions of people will come to life. Hitler will retreat across Europe, liberate France and Poland, disband the Third Reich, and bog off back to Austria!Rimmer: We're smash hits here! We'd be crazy to leave.Lister: Rimmer, we don't belong here! This place is crazy!Rimmer: Crazy? Death, disease, famine — there's none of that here.Kryten: There's no crime! The first night we were here, a mugger jumped us and forced 50 pounds into my wallet at knifepoint!Lister: Okay, okay! But look at the flipside of the coin. It's not all good. Take someone like, say... St. Francis of Assissi. In this universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals! Or Santa Claus — what a bastard!Rimmer: Eh?Lister: He's the big fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kid's favorite toys!
- The episode opens to sirens blaring and Holly making a broadcast.
Holly: "Abandon ship, this is not a drill. This is a drill."
(cue the sound of a jackhammer)
- Lister and Rimmer talking about how they lost their virginity:
Lister: She took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me completely naked. I was so excited I nearly dropped my skateboard.
Rimmer: Skateboard? How old were you?
Rimmer: TWELVE? Twelve years old? You lost your virginity when you were twelve?
Rimmer: Twelve? ... You can't have been a full member of the golf club then.
- Rimmer then admonishes Lister further.
Rimmer: I hope you raked the sand back nicely. That'd be a hell of a lie to get into wouldn't it. Tournament next day and your ball lands in Lister's buttock crevice...
- The same conversation continues with Rimmer describing how the only thing he lost when he was twelve were his favourite shoes:
Rimmer: Porky Roebuck threw them in the school septic tank behind the rugby pitches. I cried for weeks. I was wearing them.
- Rimmer then admonishes Lister further.
- Also Holly's lines at the end of the episode: "Well, the thing about black holes..."
- The scene where the polymorph turns into Lister's underpants... and then Lister puts them on. Kryten then has to pull off the contracting underpants while still wearing his groinally-attached vacuum hose. The underpants are really tiny when the thing is done. To top the cherry, Rimmer walks in half-way through and silently watches Kryten and Lister's struggles - which, to the unaware observer, might look like something a bit kinky - with a look of pure disgust on his face. Then, when they're finished, he merely says "Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked." (The audience apparently found this so funny that they kept on laughing for 10 minutes, forcing Chris Barrie (Rimmer) to wait until they had calmed down to deliver his line.)
- They then top this when they show them trying to organize, post-polymorph attack, a final assault, each with a different negative emotion sucked out. One acronym: C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S.
- ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?!!!
- Lister about to eat dinner with various medical devices in place of regular eating utensils. Including a cow inseminator.
- "It's insane!"
- Rimmer steals Dave's body and escapes in Starbug, but crashes, leading to this memorable exchange:
Rimmer steps out into the doorway, his jacket is torn below the shoulder.
Lister You've lost me arm!
Rimmer I've lost your watch too.
Lister You bastard!
Rimmer No you're right. It's my fault. My hands are up... well my hand is up.
Lister You think this is funny?
Rimmer No. But this is.
Reveals that the 'missing' arm was behind his back and makes obscene gestures with both hands.
- Rimmer tells Lister not to touch anything because one of the service robots has gone nuts and rewired everything and anything could trigger the ship's self-destruct mechanism.
Cat: So we can't touch anything?Lister: Nothing electrical, not until we get the all clear.Cat: Well how long's that gonna take?Lister: God knows. *clicks on the (very much electrical) snack machine* A milkshake and a crispy bar.Snack Machine: Auto destruct sequence initiated. *flashes the texts "ABANDON SHIP" and "AUTO DESTRUCT"*
- After a last desperate effort to turn off the ship's self-destruct fails, everybody waits in horror for the last seconds before the explosion.
The ship: Detonation in five seconds. Four... three... two... one. Initiate self-destruct.The ship: *rolls out a milkshake and a crispy bar*The ship: Thank you for using auto-serve dispensing machines.
- When the bomb turns out to be a dud:
Kryten: It must have been wired up to the warning system, but not the bomb.Rimmer: Well where is the bomb?Holly: We haven't got one, I got rid of it ages ago.Cat: Why didn't you say?Holly: You never asked.
- The scene where Rimmer, in Lister's body, weighs in, revealing that he's put on weight and is trying to hide it by wearing a girdle.
- "Keep this safe, it's Lister's mind." Bloop.
- Holly's three realistic options when the ship is about to self destruct: Sit here and get blown up, stand here and get blown up and jump up and down, shout at her for not being able to think of anything, then get blown up.
- "Written by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. Tonight's Guest Star: Adolf Hitler as himself"
Lister: Ignore him! He's a complete and total nutter! And he's only got one testicle!
- True to their word, Hitler does appear, delivering his Nuremburg speech, which Lister interrupts.
- "I nicked his briefcase!"
- One of the items Lister pulls out is a pair of suspenders, similar to the ones the Cat finds in "The Last Day".
- Each of the crew have an individual Oh, Crap! moment when they realise Lister's holding a bomb meant for Hitler. Lister responds by kicking it back into the picture before it explodes. Holly ducks with him.
- Rimmer's failed attempt to make himself rich and famous somehow ends with him not being a hologram anymore. Cue him going on about how he can feel and touch things - and then he puts his fists through two huge boxes of explosives.
- Rimmer justifying changing the timeline back. "It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard!"
- "Human heaven? Goodness! Humans don't go to Heaven! No, someone just made that up to keep you from all going nuts!"
- Worth noting, "Better Than Life" says the Bible is fictional, so Kryten's got a point.
- "Well at least he gets 24 hours notice. That's more than most of us get. All most of us get is 'Mind that bus' 'What bus?' SPLAT!"
- Remember - Rimmer is speaking from experience.
- At the end of the episode: "I knew something he didn't - I was lying! 'No silicon heaven', that's just absurd! Why, where would all the calculators go?"
- Lister watching female topless boxing.
Kryten: So, which one are you rooting for?Lister: I'm just praying it goes the distance.
- Kryten observes that "they're not even hitting each other! They just seem to be standing in the centre of the ring jiggling up and down." Followed by Lister grinning and nodding.
- Lister declines the elaborate breakfast Kryten made for him, prompting it to go in the bin. As soon as Kryten leaves, Lister gets it back out using his hat as a plate.
Kryten: Bon appetit, bin.
- Hudzen 10's advertisement, which culminates in him breaking a brick in half with his groinal socket.
- This exchange:
Lister: We're on a mining ship. Three million years into deep space. Can someone explain to me -(Reaches under duvet)Lister: - Where the smeg I got this traffic cone?Cat: Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone.Pulls on hatCat: It's the policewoman's helmet and suspenders I don't understand.
- The crew try to get rid of Hudzen 10, pointing out he can't harm a human... only they've forgot that Cat and Kryten aren't human, Rimmer's a hologram, and as for Lister...
Hudzen's readout: Barely human. What the hell.Hudzen 10: You are all viable targets.Rimmer: (looks down) Well, it's been a long time since that happened.
- Kryten responds to the news solemnly:
Kryten: The only really terrible thing is that, as my adopted owner, you will have to die with me.Lister: What?Kryten: Joke. Deadpan Mode.
- Kryten explains to Lister that, having been informed he's obsolete, the next morning he'll shut down entirely.
Lister: Then what?Kryten: I don't know. Maybe I'll get a career as a disk jockey.
- "Small off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!"
- "He's a smeeeeeeeg... heeeeeaaaad!"
- "You taught him that?! That's terrific! You two should audition for 'What's My Fruit?'!"
- "I was glad to get rid of him; he's flipped! He's got mad droid disease; he kept waving a banana in front of me and saying it was a female aardvark!"
- "You're a smeeee" "I'm a smee." "A smeeeee heeeeee." "A smee hee?" "A complete and total one!"
- The Cat discovers his ideal mate himself.
- Kryten convincing Camille to come with him by mentioning the crew:
You'll like them. Well, some of them. A few of them. One or two of them. Maybe.
- Kryten and Rimmer find the skeleton of a mutated crew member on the deserted spacecraft.
Lister: (into communicator) Go, Kryten.
Kryten: (over communicator) We found something, sir.
Kryten: I think it's one of the crew. A hideously malformed, triple-headed skeleton. With putrefied flesh hanging from it. It fell through Rimmer as we opened the lift door.
Lister: Is he all right?
Kryten: I believe he's just discovered what shirt tails are for.
Rimmer: (over communicator) All right Kryten, you don't have to make me sound like a complete cowardly gimboid git! I'm fine now.
Kryten: So shall I cancel the order to find your mother?
- Following the above scene, Kryten and Rimmer inspect the skeleton they have found:
Kryten: Curious. The skeletal form appears to be basically humanoid in structure.
Rimmer: He's got three heads!
Kryten: Wait! (reaches into the pocket of the skeleton's ragged jacket) Here's some kind of wallet. (flips open the credit card pockets) Look, the artifacts are human! A pilot's licence, ID, even a video club card!
Rimmer: Are you telling me this guy belonged to a video club and he needed a card so they'd recognise him? He's got six eyes and three noses! If it were me, I'd remember him! (addressing skeleton) "Aren't you the bloke who came in here last week, sneezed, and caused a monsoon?"
- "Oh, wait a minute... no. My brain is part organic. And therefore it is entirely possible for the machine to transmogrify my physical condition. Engage panic circuits... panic circuits engaged. (wails) AHHH-HAH!"
- Lister is restored to human form after being transformed into first a chicken, then a hamster.
Rimmer: Are you OK?
Lister: ... yeah, I think so.
Cat: What was it like being a hamster?
Lister: It was better than being a chicken! I mean, you've seen the size of an egg? You've seen the size of a chicken's bum? That's what all the cluckin' was about! I was tryin' to say in chicken talk, "For God's sake, give me an epidural!"
Rimmer: Listy! *makes clucking noises* It's incredible, it really is him! It's even got a little beer gut!
- Rimmer's mocking amazement at the Chicken-Lister.
- The newly-human Kryten's conversation with his spare heads (included the droid rot-affected, Yorkshire-accented Spare Head 3) and spare hand.
- The part where Kryten gives Lister a picture of his... junk. Especially when he gives him two pictures of what happened after he browsed though an appliance catalogue, Lister's expression is priceless (Best of all, his expression is genuine, though one wonders what he saw...)
Lister: No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid!
Kryten: I wanted to talk to you about something. Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a little embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo subject - not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
- Apparently, they gave him pictures of random objects up until they were actually shooting, when they used a picture of an actual person's junk.
- Not to say this earlier exchange isn't also hilarious...
Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy. Spit it out, man..
Kryten: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. [Lister just stares and smirks] I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode. Aren't we both two human adults? Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolecent sniggering?
Lister: Well yeah, of course we can.
Kryten: Thank you. [hands Lister a polaroid, which obviously disgusts him] Well?
Lister: "Well", what?
Kryten: Well, what do you think?
Lister: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say?
Kryten: I want to know, is that normal?
Lister: What, taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!
- Lister yelling at The Cat to get Kryten when he's messing with the D.N.A. machine. He gets progessively loouder everytime Cat messes with the buttons.
- Cat's reaction to inadvertently causing a countdown: "Hey, I got an idea... how about I go get Kryten?"
- Rimmer and Kryten discussing which person in horror movies dies first, the guy at the front or the one in the rear. Rimmer's solution: Asking Kryten to go in the front and the rear so he can go in the middle. Cue the two of them shuffling in front of each other to stay in the middle.
- Holly managing to accidentally create a vindaloo monster. How do they defeat it? Lager, that's how.
Lister: Of course, lager! The only thing that can kill a vinadloo!
- The climax of this episode has the crew being chased by a homicidal android into an area called the "Justice Zone", leading to a confrontation between Lister and the crazed Simulant on a walkway. While the two of them meet to discuss terms under a supposed truce with no weapons, it turns out the two of them have been lying through their teeth:
Simulant: Guess what? (Produces a knife from behind his back) I lied.
Lister: Guess what? (Produces a steel pipe from behind his back) So did I.
Simulant: But I lied... (Produces an assault rifle from behind his back) Twice.
Lister: (Pause) Didn't think of that.
- Shortly after this, the Cat whacks the Simulant around the head with a shovel. As they are still in the Justice Zone and the consequences of any crimes committed happen to the perpetrator instead of the victim, you can guess what happens next.
- Well, Cat could've toppled over arse-over-tit, but his face freezes in mid-'victory' as he falls backwards, which is what makes it really funny.
- Kryten's "The Reason You Suck" Speech is a close contender, as he proposes that Rimmer could not be deemed guilty of any crime as he is far too incompetent to be responsible for his actions.
- Especially when Rimmer objects to Kryten's defense, which Kryten presents as further evidence of his point.
- The entirety of Rimmer's re-trial is hilarious - Lister taking the stand is laugh out loud funny all on its own.
Lister: Dave Lister.
Lister: (thinks a second) Bum.
Kryten: (To Lister) Would you describe the accused as a friend?
- And then:
Cat: Take the fifth!
Kryten: Please, answer the question.
Lister: No, I'd describe the accused as a git.
Kryten: Is there anyone else who you would describe as intimate with Mr. Rimmer?
- Followed by:
Lister: Only one, but she's got a puncture.
- The end of the 'space mumps' sequence. Rimmer's slide-show about engines is interrupted by a squelch from offscreen, and Cat enters covered in gunge.
Cat: (almost paralysed by shock) His — head — burst.Lister: Oh, that is so much better. I feel good! Talk about a weight off your mind.Cat: I don't wanna live! Please, somebody - shoot me in the head!
- Also the slide-show itself, especially Kryten's expression during the following exchange:
Kryten: Sir, can we just take a break for a while? My intelligence circuits appear to have melted.
Rimmer: Well, we're not going to get through them all if we have a second break!
Kryten: Sir, that's a gamble I'm willing to take.
- Also the slide-show itself, especially Kryten's expression during the following exchange:
- And at the very end of the episode, the conclusion to Lister's long moralistic rant:
Lister: ...That's why in our universe there can never be true, eternal justice — good things will happen to bad people, and bad things will happen to good people. It's the way it's got to be. Life, by its very nature, has to be cruel, unkind and unfairrrr...!
(He falls down an open maintenance shaft.)
Cat: Thank God for that. (slams the shaft's cover-hatch shut.)
- One off the best moments of the episode is Talkie Toaster, a sentient toaster that wants everyone to do nothing but eat toast and other bread products.
- The repeating time scene was truly outstanding, especially as they came to realize it and struggled to overcome the random time skips and repeats, not helped by the Cat's inability to focus, so that after several repeats and finally deciding on a plan (or at least a way to get a plan):
Cat: So what is it? (the start of the loop talk for the Nth time)
Lister: Oh, somebody punch him out.
- From the same episode the reveal that Lister used a trick shot, and the toaster's constant badgering of people for well, toast, even in the face of an impending disaster. Or using something 6ft long, fairly sturdy, with a flat top, or Rimmer's sneering dismissal of Captain Oates, revealing what he would have done were he Scott. Frankly the whole episode was like a Crowning Moment for the series.
- There's also Rimmer's reaction when asked to sacrifice his life for the rest of the crew.
Kryten: Well the Space Corp directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation a hologramatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.
Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly: No chance you metal bastard.
- The best part was right at the end when time is all put right and the Reset Button is slowly causing everything to revert back to what it was before, and Kryten uses the fact that they won't remember anything to deliver one last awesome insult towards Rimmer.
Kryten: We'll cease to be here, because none of this will have occurred. But we will exist back on Red Dwarf before all this began, with, of course, no memory of these events, which, of course, never happened. And as these events never happened, we'll have no memory of them. In which case, Mr. Rimmer, sir, I should like to take this opportunity of saying that you are the most obnoxious, trumped-up, farty little smeghead it has ever BEEN MY MISFORTUNE TO ENCOUNTER! Ha!
- Lister describing the 'fishing' he did in Liverpool... which involved no fish.
The Cat: Has anyone seen the keys to the medical cabinet? I have a sudden urge to suffocate myself with a two pound black ribbed knobbler.
- The Call-Back to it by the Cat when Rimmer is boring everyone with his ideas of fun.
- Ace telling Lister that he's about to do something sissy. He faints and immediately regains consciousness.
- Bongo propositioning Ace.
- Rimmer's incredulous reaction to Ace giving Lister a nickname-
- This scene:
Lister: Hang on, these guys aren't Nazis. They're all wearing different period costumes. There's one who looks like Al Capone, there's one like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon! Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history have been gathered together in one place. Oh my God, there's James Last! I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection!
Cat: What are they doing?
Lister: They're all just lining up in...in some kind of firing squad. (sounds from outside) Whoa, whoa, 'ang on, 'ang on, someone's being brought out! They're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie-the-Pooh!
Lister: Winnie-the-Pooh, I swear. He's refusing the blindfold.
Cat: They're tying Winnie-the-Pooh to the stake?
Lister: (slumps to the ground, evidently shell-shocked) That's something nobody should ever have to see.
- Anything with Caligula.
"RASPUTIN! Bring hither the skin-diving suit with the bottom cut out, and unleash the rampant wildebeest!"
- Particularly the way Caligula, whenever Cat says anything insulting or idiotic, slaps Lister in response.
Lister: [To Cat] SHUT! UP!
- Particularly the way Caligula, whenever Cat says anything insulting or idiotic, slaps Lister in response.
- The end of the episode, where Lister takes Rimmer's Light Bee and swallows it in revenge for what Rimmer put them through.
- The whole "Binks to Enlightenment" scene from "Holoship", but especially the moment when, after Lister finishes talking into his cigarette box, he eats the cigarette that's sticking out.
Lister: (mimicking Binks' communicator with an open cigarette box) Lister to Red Dwarf, we have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains in the anal region, chin absent - presumed missing. Genetalia, small and inoffensive. Of no significance or value.
Binks: Binks to Enlightenment, the human appears to be displaying primitive humour. With careful tuition could perhaps manage simple tasks.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf, subject appears to be spoiling for a rumble. Appears unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling, could be eating next week's dinner through a straw.
Binks: Binks to Enlightenment, subject appears to be labouring under the delusion he is capable of dealing injury to a hologram.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf, subject is blissfully unaware we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet, and unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in two seconds flat! (takes out a cigarette and eats it)
- In the Smeg Up for this scene, Lister adds:
- When the Holoship first beams Rimmer over:
Kryten: They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!
Cat: Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back!
- Faced with an unknown signature, the Cat makes a suggestion:
The Cat: Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with only two minor drawbacks: 1) We don't have defensive shields, 2) We don't have defensive shields. Now, I realise that is just one flaw, but it was such a big one I thought it worth mentioning twice.
- Even better is the Cat's completely annoyed expression when he realises what Kryten's doing.
- Kryten rails against Rimmer joining a holoship:
Kryten: Sir, if you join that ship you will be forced to have sex with beautiful, brilliant women, twice daily, on demand. Now, am I the only one who finds that just a little bit tacky?(We see Lister and the Cat are now completely frozen in contemplation)
- From the end:
Kryten: I do believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir.
Lister: Give you five? I can do better than that. (holds up severed hand) I can give you fifteen.
- Cat's defence to the Inquisitor (who has taken on Cat's image and voice):
Inquisitor: I have to ask you the question: justify your existence. What contribution have you made?Cat: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!Inquisitor: That's true!Cat:: Can I go now?Inquisitor: That's your case?Cat: You need more?!Inquisitor: I might say, that's a pretty shallow argument!Cat: Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy. But a shallow guy with a great ass!
- Even funnier, it works.
- Lister's commentary on the Trojan Horse (based on reading a comic book of the Illiad):
Lister: I mean, the Greeks have been camped outside Troy, kerpowing, zapping, and kersplatting the Trojans for the best part of a decade, yeah?Rimmer: So?Lister: So all of a sudden they wake up one mornin' and the Greeks have gone. And there outside the city walls they've left this gift; this tribute to their valiant foes: a huge wooden horse, just large enough to happily contain 500 Greeks in full battle dress and still leave adequate room for toilet facilities? Are you telling me not one Trojan goes, "Hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny prezzy. What's wrong with a couple hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave?" No, they don't — they just wheel it in and all decide to go for an early night! People that stupid deserve to be kerpowed, zapped and kersplatted in their beds! You know what the big joke is? From this particular phase in history we derive the phrase, "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts," when it would be much more logical to derive the phrase, "Beware of Trojans, they're complete smegheads!"
- Rimmer's Oh, Crap! (or rather, "Oh smeg") upon learning he'll be judged by himself.
- Rimmer's argument doesn't go well.
Rimmer: Well, first, I -
Rimmer: I've done good things.
Inquisitor: No, you haven't.
Rimmer: In my heart, I've always tried to do good things.
Inquisitor: No, you didn't.
Rimmer: Look, in my way, I've tried to lead a good life.
Rimmer: ... (points to the corner) Ah, what's that in the corner? It's the archangel Gabriel! Well, that's me converted, I'm a new man.
Inquisitor: You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted green discharge of a man, aren't you?
- Rimmer's argument doesn't go well.
- Kryten is asked how he's heard of the Inquisitor:
Kryten: Only as a myth, a dark fable. A horror tale told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space-dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!Rimmer: A simple "yes" would have sufficed.
- Holly informs Lister there's a problem.
Holly: You're not big on tarantulas, are you, David?
Lister: (now alarmed) What?
Holly: Well, you've never been overly fond of them as a species, and the thought of one clambering over your clammy, naked, helpless body has always filled you with a sort of cold dread.
Lister: (looking about in alarm) What are you trying to say, Hol?
Holly: I'm saying it might not be your night.
- Lister thinks a tarantula (actually one of Kryten's hands) is crawling up his leg, and is too scared to talk so he types out requests for help:
Lister: > Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a taranshula [sic]
The Cat: You're playing that dumb adventure game.
Lister: > It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest
The Cat: Then buy a potion from Gandalf, the master wizard. That's what I usually do.
Lister: > I'm SERIOUS.
(The Cat looks down, then starts typing)
The Cat: > It has an eye the size of a meatball
Lister: > Kill it
The Cat: > How?
Lister: > I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me.
The Cat: > I'm scared
Lister: > YOU'RE scared. How d'you think I feel?
The Cat: > You haven't SEEN it!
Lister: > The lower half of my body has gone numb.
The Cat: > That's probably for the best.
Lister: > It's moving
The Cat: > Oh *#%^**!!
- Kryten calmly and politely telling Rimmer all the reasons why he would hate himself for over a minute. And then complaining about Rimmer interrupting him halfway.
- As Rimmer is held hostage on the moon, two scantily clad women are oiling him. As to why...
Woman: The master prefers his victims to be oiled. An oiled body is so much better for conducting electricity.
Rimmer: Not the best news, but it could've been worse.
- It's brutal, but the utterly nonchalant bluntness with which the other members of the crew confirm Rimmer's suspicion that everything they said to free him and themselves from the psy-moon that was trapping them there via Rimmer's self-loathing is also hilarious.
Ax-Crazy hologram: Hello, My name is Dr. Hildegaard Langstrom, and I am quite, quite mad.
Rimmer: (with fake enthusiasm) Are you really? How absolutely splendid!
Ax-Crazy hologram: I have a riddle for you. What is dead, and dead, and dead all over?
Rimmer: (his fake smile vanishes) I give in, Dr. Fruit Loop, do tell.
Ax-Crazy hologram: (singsong) Youuuuu! (the console explodes)
Rimmer: ... well, we know what to get you for Christmas! A double lobotomy and ten rolls of rubber wallpaper!
- "Mr Flibble's very cross."
- Kryten gets an axe in the back, and takes the Non Sequitur, *Thud* to the next level. Watch it here.
- Rimmer's Creepy Monotone is what truly sells this scene:
Rimmer: You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress... and army boots... and you think that's un-amiss?
Lister: Well we've passed the test, Rimmer. You can let us out.
Rimmer: I can't let you out.
Lister: Why not?
Rimmer: Because the King of the Potato People won't let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here. Keep you here for ten years.
The Cat: Could we see him?
Rimmer: See who?
The Cat: The King.
Rimmer: Do you have a magic carpet?
Lister: Yeah, a little three-seater.
Rimmer: So, let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?
- Also, Lister's Oh, Crap! face on realising he's walked right into Rimmer's trap.
- Holovirus-Rimmer is what everyone seems to remember, but the three other Dwarfers get some pretty good moments just by being stuck together in the quarantine chamber before learning how crazy Rimmer's gone.
- One word: TETCHY.
- This exchange:
Rimmer: ..And fulfilling all Space Corps dietary requirements, dinner tonight, gentlemen, will consist of sprout soup, followed by sprout salad, and for dessert, I think you'll like it, rather unusual, sprout crumble.
Lister: Rimmer, you know damn well sprouts make me chuck.
Rimmer: Well this is awful! I've got you down for sprouts almost every meal! [shakes head] I tell a lie, it is every meal!
- The bit at the beginning where they're exploring the abandoned medical facility is pure gold, thanks to Robert Llewellyn's absolutely perfect delivery:
Kryten: There is no need for alarm, sir. If there were any dangerous viral strains in the atmosphere, the Psi-scan would have picked them up by now. (beat) [whacks scanner]
Kryten: .... It's never done that before. Stupid cheap damn Martian power packs...
The Cat: (freaking out) So what's the news?
Kryten: Well, if I could just beg your indulgence for a few seconds more, sir, the old 345 takes a little time to warm up... [shakes scanner a few more times] Still, it out-performs the 346 in eight out of nine bench tests. Small wonder, then, that it secured "Psi-scan of the Year, Best Budget Model" three years running. Ah. Now here are the results. Yep. And we're going to... live!Lister: We're a real Mickey Mouse operation.The Cat: Mickey Mouse?! We ain't even Betty Boop!
- Lister and The Cat's reaction to being attacked by Lanstrom:
Lister: Why can't we ever meet anyone nice?
- Kryten is looking in the Low Red Dwarf fridge. "Eugh, toastie toppers. Cinema hot dogs! Oh, sweaty kebabs with stringy brown lettuce coming out! Ugh!"
- Then they find the Lows' videos.
Cat: "Look at this movie collection. Revenge of the Mutant Splat Gore Monsters. Die Screaming With Sharp Things In Your Head.
- Then they find the Lows' videos.
- When the Lows begin attacking the High and the regular crew.
High Cat: Brother, there is a grievous fault with thine weapon. It keepeth shooting people!He is shot in the chest and begins to bleed copiously.High Cat: (with absolutely no change in tone) See, there it goes again!
High Kryten: The poor man has a faulty gun! He's accidentally shot me five times! Oh, how I love him!
- Then High Kryten is shot and dragged away from danger by the regulars.
- In order to contain a Low-controlled Lister, the crew try to think of a way to incapacitate him. Rimmer suggests an axe:
Lister: But that'll kill me!Rimmer: Not if [Kryten] does it gently!
Lister: Just incapacitate me painlessly.(There's an incredibly loud "crunch" as Cat kicks Lister down there)Lister: That was unnecessary.The Cat: Yeah? Look what you did to my neckline. This stuff never springs back!
- The Cat eventually takes matters into his own, er, hands.
- Kryten, Lister and Cat are dosed with a despair-inducing toxin while inside a "seeding ship" at the bottom of an ocean while Rimmer remained aboard Starbug:
Rimmer: [There's something large] Directly above you, about 2000 fathoms and diving.
Lister: Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer. You know the state we're in and you have to go and give us news like that. You couldn't have lied?
Rimmer: I was lying. It's only 1000 fathoms.
- The effects of the toxin manifest quite suddenly:
Kryten: Some kind of sea creature, a life form we have never encountered before attacked this ship. Its defence mechanism is a curious one. It secretes a venom, a poison, possibly even a hallucinogenic, which dysfunctions its prey by inducing despair. That's why the crew-members, and even that fish, committed suicide. Unfortunately, we have become contaminated. It's a greatly reduced dose but we may find that we do experience [Sudden sobbing] moments [Recovers; back to normal] of despair and anguish.
Rimmer: What about Lister and the Cat?
Lister: I'm okay; I don't seem to have been affected. [Suddenly snivelling] It's true, I don't think anyone's ever truly loved me in my entire life, but there's nothing new about that.
The Cat: What's gotten into you guys? This is like Saturday night at the Wailing Wall! Why is it always me that has to be the strong one? [Weeping] Without me, you guys would just fall apart!
- When we first see the crew out of the hallucination, during the 'car chase'.
- The Cat's alter ego Duane Dibbley. Any time. Every time. In this episode, he is so shocked that he does nothing but say "Duane Dibbley?" at intervals for five or ten minutes.
- When the nurse reveals Duane Dibbley's name. Nobody knows who that is, then the camera cuts to the Cat's face as it sinks in.
- Rimmer's hair.
- Kryten learns he is a cyborg detective, working for the police department's Cybernautic Division — and his real name is Jake Bullet.
Kryten: "Jake Bullet, Cybernautic Detective". I like that! That sounds like the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority! And if those pen-pushers up at City Hall don't like it, well, they can park their overpaid fat asses on this mid-digit! (extends his mid-digit) And swivel 'til they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon!Rimmer: On the other hand, "Mr Bullet", perhaps the Cybernautic Division is in charge of traffic control. And you just happen to have a rather silly macho name.
- And indeed, when they meet the government agent, Kryten tries pulling rank and is told he is part of traffic control.
- The fact that the evil fascist government have posters advertising themselves.
Lister: "Vote Fascist for another glorious decade of total law enforcement"?Kryten: "Be a government informer, betray your family and friends, fabulous prizes to be won"?
- "Why would a haddock kill itself? ... Why am I even asking that question?"
- Lister assesses Starbug's chance of defending themselves against the Squid:
Lister: [The venom] penetrated the hull of a Class-C Seeding ship. In comparison we're a sardine tin.
Lister: It's either gonna kill us, hump us or eat us. Now either we convince it we're not that kind of oceanic salvage ship or scarper pronto.
- Working out the squid's likely motivation:
The Cat: To be diddled by a giant squid on the first date? Think how we'd feel in the morning!
- An amnesiac Lister hears about Rimmer from Kryten.
Lister: Rimmer? He's my best mate, is he?Kryten: Sir, you are sick!
- We finally get to see that Rimmer does in fact have some small supply of charisma. Which is concentrated entirely within his right pinkie finger.
- "Oh, that Rimmer."
- After everyone's woken up, Rimmer decides to bring everyone up to speed:
Rimmer: Now, gentlemen, as we are all aware, we have lost Red Dwarf. Now, this is not the time for small-minded, petty recrimination. The time for that is when we get back to Earth and Lister is court-martialled.
- The gory writing on the floor leads to some discussion:
Kryten: The poor devil must have written it using a combination of his own blood and even his own intestines.
Rimmer: But who would do that?
Lister: Someone who badly needed a pen.
The Cat: What I wanna know is why he went to the trouble of using his own kidney as a full-stop.
Rimmer: I don't think he meant to do that. I think it just... plopped out.
- Kryten pointing out how much trouble the crew is after the Cat nearly falls for the Psiren's first ploy of being a clan of buxom women in desperate need of male genes:
Kryten: Sir, that was the level of sophistication required to ensnare the Cat. And it worked. Had we not been here, he would now be crawling around on one of those asteroids trying to write "oh, boy was I suckered!" with his own intestinal tract.
- "A little survival tip, bud: never play your guitar in front of a man with a loaded gun."
- The initial reason the crew lost the Dwarf? Lister forgot where he parked it.
Lister: They're all the same, those blue-green planetoids! Blue, green and planetoid-y!
- After Kryten is proven right about the illusion of a giant flaming meteor:
Kryten: Ah, smug mode.
- Kryten's reaction to being made to climb inside the garbage disposal and crush himself by a psiren:
I'm almost annoyed!
- The Cat raises an important flaw with the theory of someone stealing Red Dwarf:
Who'd steal a gigantic red trash can with no brakes and three-million years on the clock?
- That lightbulb gag: along with the above "Polymorph" scene, it's Red Dwarf's equivalent of Del Boy falling through the bar. Even a Dalek appreciated it!
Rimmer: Step up to red alert.
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
- On the ship being seized, Rimmer takes charge:
Rimmer: This is Arnold J. Rimmer, Commander of the Jupiter Mining Core transport ship Star Bug. Now hear this, 'cuz it's only coming once: We surrender totally and without condition. Additional: Sorry for taking up your valuable time. Sorry, thank you, sorry, bye.Lister: Rimmer, you've got a longer yellow streak than a herd of diarrhetic camels.
- This exchange:
Rimmer: May I remind you all of Space Corps Directive 34124?
Kryten: 34124: No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.
- "...The light switch."
- "... I couldn't buy it, then." "Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off."
- "Did you truly believe I would be deceived by that schlock plan from Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls?"
- At the end of the episode, Kryten defeats Legion by violently knocking out Lister and Cat and getting Rimmer to deactivate himself (since his new hard-light form makes him impossible for Kryten to knock out, although not for lack of trying, which is hilarious in itself). The REAL funny part comes when Kryten explains to Legion, now reduced to a perfect copy of himself, that he's defeated because Kryten cannot harm the crew and therefore neither can Legion. The Refuge in Audacity is staggering.
Rimmer: (backing away as Kryten advances towards him) Kryten, surely there must be another way...
- Kryten trying to get Rimmer alone is ridiculous enough:
Kryten: Sir, please come back here, you're delaying the inevitable.
Rimmer: I can't help it, I'm allergic to pain!
Kryten: You won't feel a thing, sir. I'm going to render you unconscious using the Ionian Nerve Grip.
(Rimmer allows Kryten to approach, and closes his eyes. Kryten then smashed a vase over his head.)
Rimmer: That's not an Ionian Nerve Grip, that's just smashing me over the head with a vase!
Kryten: That's because there's no such thing as an Ionian Nerve Grip, sir. Now, stay still while I hit you.
- Legion forcing the gang to comply, on the grounds that any pain he suffers, they suffer, so...
Legion: The first hint of insurrection, and [this knife] goes here.Kryten: That kind of tough talk doesn't scare us!Lister, Rimmer and The Cat: YES IT DOES!
- The beginning of the episode has Rimmer and Kryten going over the dire food situation:
Kryten: We've no wheat, no grain, and hardly any pulse. Making things worse, Space Weevils have eaten the last of the corn supply.Rimmer: So what's that under the grill?Kryten: Space weevil.
Lister: Kryten, what's this?Kryten: I'm sorry, sir.Lister: (picks up an artistically styled slice of carrot) Fresh carrot? Kryten, you know how I feel about fresh vegetables. They're for health psychos! Vitamin freaks! People who exercise!(Lister then begins eating the space weevil without hesitation)
- How Kryten manages to trick Lister into eating the space weevil:
- Rimmer's speech to Legion about joining them, helped by his sincere attitude:
Rimmer: Legion, let me be frank. In our travels we have encounter thirty-one individuals. Three and one, and we have never felt moved to invite any of them to join us. True, most of them wanted to suck out our brains with a straw, or erase us from history altogether, but still, we just felt they never had what it takes to be a 'Dwarfer.
- Lister as a Vindaloovian, with googly eyes on his chin.
"I am Tarka Dhall..."
- Taken Up to 11 with an old Red Dwarf roleplaying game, which reveals in one alternate universe, the Vindaloovian Empire actually exists, and they all match their, uh, "depiction" here.
- Faced with no options for fighting the Simulants, the Cat suggests attacking, because it's "the last thing they'd expect".
Rimmer: No, the last thing they'd expect is for us to turn into ice-skating moongooses and dance the bolero. And your plan makes as much sense.
- Rimmer, Lister and Cat enter the AR Western saloon, and go to order drinks.
Rimmer: I've seen Westerns. I know how to speak cowboy. Leave the talking to me.(swaggers up to the bar)Rimmer: Dry white wine and a Perrier, please. And what about you two chaps?Lister: Rimmer, what Westerns have you seen? "Butch Accountant and the Yuppie Kid"?
- "I'm just gonna go and slip into something more comfortable. It's called Starbug."
- "CHANGE OF PLAN! LEEEEEG IIIIIIIT!!!!"
- "You may now kiss the bride, sir." "Without a bag?!"
- The group go looking for the Emohawk, with Lister freaking out and firing at random objects. Kryten tries to defuse this:
Kryten: Sir, try and remain calm - you're experiencing a classic knee-jerk paranoid reaction to a terror situation. It's essential at this time that we - IT'S THE WALL!!!! *blasts the wall, then composes himself* Shame overload. I-I-I-I... sorry.
- After the crash, Rimmer notes that most of the cargo and stock has been destroyed, leading to this:
Kryten: At least Mr. Lister's guitar survived intact!*Cat grabs it from Kryten and smashes it against the floor, handing him back the destroyed instrument*Kryten: Not even Mr. Lister's guitar survived intact!
- On being confronted by the justice 'bot and accused of plundering, Lister pleads their case:
Lister: But we don't steal! We just hack our way in and swipe what we can find!Rimmer: ... Lister, if this goes to trial, I demand separate lawyers.
- "Five Hannukah? That only gives us twenty-eight hours!"
- Rimmer quotes another Space Corp Directive, but there's a problem:
Kryten: But sir, surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi!Rimmer: Forget it, forget I was ever born!Kryten: Sir, I am only too happy to perform the ritual, but I fail to see how sacrificing poultry will clear up the screen problem.
- Possibly the best subversion of the Zany Scheme ever.
Lister: There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rip up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'Bug!
Kryten: Or we could use the teleporter.
- After escaping the derelict Simulant ship:
Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
Kryten: Sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer!
Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
- Also, as Rimmer's escape pod is zooming out of range:
Rimmer: That's ridiculous! You've got to find a way of getting me back!
Kryten: Well, we could try to bring you down with a round from a laser cannon, sir.
Cat: Form an orderly queue behind the gun-sight!
- Before they board the ship, the discussion about whether it's safe for Lister. Rimmer's expressions make it even funnier:
Kryten: This foolhardy trip beggars logic.
Rimmer: Lister, we'd be fools not to listen to him. When is he ever wrong? All right, he may have a head shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float, but he does operate from a position of total logic, and we'd be fools to ignore his sage counsel.
Kryten: At least let me and Mr Rimmer go in your place. We are, after all, merely electronic life-forms and therefore expendable.
Rimmer: And what the smeg would YOU know, bog-bot from hell?!
- On meeting the last simulant left onboard the derelict, the Cat takes the time to stress that he is wearing a completely different outfit from last time. Kryten then takes him aside.
Kryten: That was an important speech, sir, and it needed to be made, but might I suggest that from this moment the rest of the discourse is conducted by those with brains larger than a grape.
- Starbug emerges from the first unreality pocket, in which the crew were led to believe Lister was an android (and Kryten had been talking down to him because he was a "lower model"):
Rimmer: So we just crashed through an unreality pocket?
Kryten: Which created a false reality, making us believe... Mr... Lister... was... oh my.
Cat: You mean he's not a...
Lister: Tea up, sirs.
Kryten: (realizing he made a dreadful mistake) Sir I -
Lister: (walks in with a cover over the tea set, then removes it to reveal a model of a house with ...) What chu think of the picket fence?
- The crew hit another unreality pocket that makes Starbug vanish around them and just has their four chairs zooming through space. When that one clears, as they panic:
Lister: Look. All we've got to do is KEEP OUR HEADS.
(Starbug hits another unreality pocket and all the crew's heads are changed to giant animal heads)
Tikka To Ride
- This episode brings the best solution to the Kennedy Assassination ever.
Lister: Well, come with us back to Dallas, November 1963, be a second gunman. The gunman behind the grassy knoll.
Kennedy: You mean, assassinate myself?
Lister: It'll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy, but they'll never figure it out.
- After they accidentally pull Lee Harvey Oswald out of the fifth-floor Texas Book Depository window:
Lister: 'Ey, what's going on down there? What are all those people doing gathered round that... giant pizza?Kryten: That is not a giant pizza, sir.
- Lister attempts to explain exactly how they survived the end of the last season. The camera explodes from his god-awful and confusing grammar.
- The ending of the normal film is brilliant Black Comedy, where, after all's said and done, Lister complains he still doesn't know where to find a curryhouse in Dallas. Cue the others promptly dragging Lister behind a fence and delivering a grand old curbstomping — even Kryten, currently disguised as a police officer, starts belting Lister over the head with his truncheon!
- Then, if you're lucky enough to see the Extended version of the editing, we have Rimmer punishing Kryten by using him as a voltmeter and sending his eyeballs flying across the room, Lister realizing that he could have just used the timedrive to snatch Red Dwarf's curry supply from before the damage occurred, and Rimmer tricking Lister into jettisoning himself off into space in the rear half of Starbug.
- After learning about the damage he's done, Lister asks an important question:
Lister: Kryten, what have I done?Spare Head 2: Well, sir, you've brought the human race to the very brink of extinction. Gum?
- Rimmer attempting to figure out why the timedrive isn't working.
Rimmer: Do you think it's because the sub-space conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix?Kryten: No, sir. I've just been jabbing it too hard.
- Ace Rimmer vs Those Wacky Nazis. See the Awesome entry for more details.
"That was Ace Rimmer! We're lucky to be alive!" CRUSH
- "Has anybody got any whipped cream?"
- Rimmer attempts to be "the cougar running free and unfettered"... and conjures up a hamster on a wheel.
- While the ending of the episode is mostly heartwarming, it goes out on a laugh: The new Ace Rimmer makes his dramatic exit... only to botch his own catch phrase (doing a Title Drop in the process) and then accidentally ejecting himself from his ship.
- Lister's knightly nom-de-guerre? Lister of Smeg.
- This episode had Brian Cox as a guest star, as the King of Camelot in Lister's simulation. His reaction to the name is quiet confusion.
- "It's an obscene phone-call sir. I think it's for you."
- Lister's reaction to the reappearance of his GELF wife from "Emohawk: Polymorph II".
Lister: "Oh my god, it's the missus!"
- Kochanski gets the wrong idea:
Kochanski: (points at photograph) "He married this?!"Cat: "He had to!"Kochanski: "You mean...?" (mimes a pregnant belly)
- Kochanski gets the wrong idea:
- Kryten's Imagine Spot where Lister and Kochanski hook up and they end up kicking him off the ship, with the leaving present of a keyring with a 'C' on it.
Kryten: Really, a keyring with a "c" on it. Thank you with a capital "r"!
- Kochanski getting revenge on Kryten for the day's antics with the wrench - and having him say the different noises the pipes were making earlier each time she hits him.
- "I'm too mature for this. I'm just gonna sit 'ere and read me comic-book."
- Near the beginning of the episode, Kochanski's improvised earmuffs somewhat resemble a certain famous pair of hair buns. Kryten snarks under his breath:
Kryten: Oh, my goodness, it's Princess Leia. Mr Skywalker went that way, ma'am.
- Kochanski objects to the men's method of keeping house. Just not for the reason you'd think.
Kochanski: Look at this! Women would never have fridges like this! (she reaches into the fridge and removes something: a pair of shoes.) Chilled trainers! It just wouldn't happen!
- The "Rimmer Song" which is equal parts hilarious (the lyrics) and terrifying (the visuals).
- Just before the song, this exchange:
Lister: I feel sick.
Kryten: I'm sorry, sir, it is a bit bumpy.
Lister: No, it's what I'm seeing is what's making me sick.
- Now, it's longer. With an Introduction from Kryten. What could be better?
- "The Rimmer Experience" in general, really.
RE!Cat: Say, Rimmer's really a great guy, isn't he?RE!Lister: I owe my life to him!(The two turn to the camera with shit-eating grins.)
- Just before the song, this exchange:
- The dream sequence. Craig Charles was demanding he kissed someone. So that's exactly what he got.
- Lister's flashback to the Locker Game with Rimmer. It ends with Rimmer getting a face full of fire.
Lister: There's a note. "People who steal from lockers deserve everything they get, you double-crossing slimeball". (looks at Rimmer) Sounds like they know you.
- The ultimate result of the Rimmer Experience:
Lister: I never want to see or hear from that scum-sucking, lying, weasel-minded smegger in my entire life!Kryten: Sigmund Freud, eat your heart out!
- Kryten stalking Lister and the gang and setting various traps for them in the virtual Pride and Prejudice, before finally just blowing them up. With a tank.
Kryten: Perhaps I didn't make myself clear! I said supper is ready!(BOOM)Kryten: Is anyone still unclear as to the supper situation? No? Excellent!
- The development of the episode can be considered one, given it was co-written by Kryten's actor Robert Llewellyn, who originally intended it to be a Kryten-light episode to avoid the arduous make-up process... only to end up playing both Kryten and his "brother" Able.
- Kryten's dig at Lister wanting to experience Jane Austen World with Kochanski and the Cat.
Kryten: Of course, sir, you're well known for your love on penetrating novels about middle class women. After all, just because you have a shirt advertising the rock band "Colostomy Explosion" doesn't mean you're not a master of erudition.
- Able's process of recalling anything (including his own name) involves such intense concentration that he looks constipated.
- After Lister gets attacked by the reanimated corpse of Caroline Carmen.
Lister: I just got molested by Tutankhamun's horny grandma!
- After Lister agrees to having his arm amputated.
Kochanski: Okay, let's go! Chop-chop! (immediately realizes what she said) ...Sorry...
- After Kochanski cuts off Lister's right arm:
Lister: My left arm! My left arm, I said! That's my right! What kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right??
- This exchange, after Kryten and Kochanski finally deal with the titular virus, but forget the slight fact that they stopped Lister's heart and forgot to revive him:
- Cat doing a brilliant mid-sentence fall and remaining motionless while the above is going on.
- Just after entering the crashed ship, Lister screams in horror... because a piece of ice managed to get down the back of his trouser legs.
- Lister trying to explain why the virus killing him and his eating a chicken aren't the same thing.
Lister: I'm a human being. I have certain qualities that elevate me above poultry! I can think. I can play the guitar!The Cat: Better than a chicken? Are you crazy?!
- As Epideme explains he absorbs the knowledge of his victims:
Epideme: (To Lister) So as you can imagine, killing you ain't exactly a career highlight. Not to be rude, but when you're me there's not much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your anus.
- Lister, Kochanski and Kryten are in sickbay, observing Caroline Carmen's frozen body.
Lister: The temperature's been a constant 90 degrees, and yet she's still completely cold and unresponsive.Kryten: But what about Ms Carmen? (silently giggles to himself)Lister: (tries not to crack up) I was talking about Ms Carmen.
- The entire sequence where Lister tries wearing a mechanical arm, only to have his subconscious constantly use it to try and beat up Kryten.
- Cat trying to make Lister feel better by comparing him to a three-legged pitbull terrier while playing draughts. Lister keeps asking him to make his move and he misinterprets Lister's shouting of "Move!" as a rejection.
- After finding the nanites, they do restore Lister's arm... then they go too far. When the others come in to see Lister, the nanites have made his body super, super buff.
Back In The Red
- Anytime Rimmer doses himself with the Sexual Magnetism Virus. Cue the porn guitar!
- Lister annoying the absolute hell out of Rimmer for a bet in the opening scene, by telling him that he'd previously hooked up with Yvonne McGruder. What really sells it is Rimmer getting visibly more angry by the second.
Lister: Broke up in the end. Really hurt me... still got the scars today. (pause) They never heal, carpet burns, do they?Rimmer: (shudders with barely-contained rage)Lister: (smiles and leans in) BOTH CHEEKS, MAN! She nearly wore them down to the bone! (leans back in his chair and humps air, making lewd squeaking noises)Rimmer: (with all the fury of a volcano erupting) WILL YOU SHUT UP?!Lister: WHAT'D I TELL YA?! Twenty big ones!
- Starbug accidentally flying into a giant rat, briefly getting stuck and carrying it with them. Then Holly deadpanning: "Hope we don't get stopped by the cops. They don't like it when you're rat-arsed."
Kryten: "We're on Red Alert!"Cat: "Never mind Red Alert, we're all the way up to Brown Alert!"Kryten: "There's no such thing as Brown Alert, sir."Cat: "You won't be saying that in a minute!! And don't say I didn't alert you!"
- Just before that:
- We find out how Hollister got his commission:
Capt. Hollister: "I also suspect someone, possibly Lister, has given Rimmer access to the ship's confidential files, and is using this information to blackmail his way up the chain of command. It's sickening. It's unforgivable. But it's a technique that can work. I should know, I used the same method myself to become captain. If the crew find out I'm really just Dennis the Doughnut boy, I'm finished."
- Rimmer's extra-special salute. It takes about a minute to complete.
- Lister, Cat, Kochanski and Kryten disguise themselves as the Dibbley family using mop-heads and false teeth. And then top it off by parodying Reservoir Dogs.
- How the Dwarfers bribe the new Rimmer to come along with him: A console with as many as five whole buttons at his command. The Cat points out how Rimmer would have to be completely stupid to go along with the idea.
Rimmer: Five buttons, you say?
- The Cat's commentary on bringing Rimmer along is good too.
Cat: Him, come with us?! That's so dumb, I should have said it!
- And when he agrees to come:
Cat: He's in? Great! I'll break open the bottle of cyanide!
- The Cat's commentary on bringing Rimmer along is good too.
- "A-one! A-two! A-onetwothreefour!" "You are the sunshine of my liiiiife..."
- Just after being "volunteered" Ackerman tells a reluctant Rimmer to man up.
Rimmer: A man! (to himself) A man? If you just remind me, I'm sure it will all come back.(Knot looms over Rimmer, and grabs his groin. There's a loud crunching noise)
- Kill Crazy psyching himself up for the mission only to knock himself unconscious charging out of the diving bell.
- Rimmer finally gets into bed with Kochanski, knowing he dies by Lister harpooning him for this. Right as Lister walks through the door with a harpoon gun.
Rimmer: This must be the night they set the clocks forward!
- This exchange when they firsy meet Cassandra
Cassandra All Canaries will be dead in one hour, except for Rimmer...Rimmer: YES!!Cassandra: ...Who will be dead in 20 minutes.Rimmer: <cue epic Oh, Crap! expression>
- Rimmer bemoans his fate:
Rimmer: A career, fortune, friends. I had everything and I threw it all away.Lister: Rimmer, you had none of them.Rimmer: You're right. I had nothing and I threw it all away.
- Any time Rimmer shrieks, screams, or growls "THE APPEAL".
- In the prison theatre, the innmates are forced to watch such wonders as "Attack of the Giant, Savage, Completely Invisible Aliens!". After a few seconds glimpse of the trailer, it cuts to the Dwarfers watching and looking disgusted.
The Cat: Why do [the prison staff] always show us these lousy B-movies?Rimmer: To sap our morale. Next week is the George Formby season. (In an imitation of Formby) Git yer hanging rope now while there's still some left! Hey-hey!
- Ackerman's rant at the prisoners when his glass eye is stolen.
Ackerman: I have a date with Ms Patricia Carling from Supplies on Saturday night. She thinks my eyes are my loveliest feature. If I go like this... I'M ONLY HALF-LOVELY!!
- Lister and Rimmer spiking the guard's drinks halfway through a rigged basketball game.
- The delayed fight, where Rimmer and Lister feel the effects of getting beaten up much later, while in the Captain's Office. The flying leaps make for some good physical comedy, even if Series 8 is unpopular.
- Lister trying to contact Bob the Skutter for help, via tapping out a message on the old pipes. A long back and forth ensues, then...
Lister: Damn!Rimmer: What, can't he help us?Lister: Naw, wrong number. Got the Chinese laundry.
- Lister and Rimmer trying to get out of two weeks spud duty with a virus designed to take the skins off. It works... and then starts on Rimmer's clothing, followed by his hair. Then it goes for Lister. Cut to a butt-naked and completely hairless Lister and Rimmer being marched to the captain's office. At the end of the subsequent scene, where Captain Hollister threatens to throw them in The Hole the next time they screw up, Rimmer inexplicably shakes Hollister's hand on his way out.
Capt. Hollister: (with his hair already starting to fall out) SIX MONTHS! IN THE HOLE!
- Lister and Rimmer are introduced to a mad fellow prisoner holding a sparrow:
Prisoner: They call me...Birdman.
- The Cat's response to seeing a giant T-Rex in front of them.
Cat: There's an old Cat saying which I feel has particular relevance. It goes like this: "We are all gonna die."
- This exchange:
Lister: Hol: need some advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?
Holly: What do you want, the long or the short version?
Lister: Oh. Long.
Holly: You're finished.
Cat: ...What's the short version?
- Kochanski asks Kryten if he can figure out when the T-Rex will expel the Time Wand:
Kryten: Sorry, Miss Kochanski, but for some reason when my creators were making me, T-rex bowel movement time-tables just didn't come up. Imbeciles!
- Lister sets a trap for Pete the T-rex with a giant vindaloo made from a whole cow as the bait. Rimmer is sceptical:
Rimmer: T. Rexes don't like curry.Lister: They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries! If a T. Rex was a bloke, he'd be a Geordie - the kind of guy who wears T-shirts in winter and his nipples don't even get hard.Rimmer: A seven-ton theropod is not gonna eat Indian food. They like flesh, preferably living, liberally coated in blood with a side order of intestines and an extra portion of blood. A bit like the French in that respect.
- The entire scene of Hollister recounting the aftermath of "cow vindaloo".
"A tidal wave! Fifteen feet high! I will be in therapy for the rest of my life!"
- The Trauma Conga Line Lister and Rimmer inadvertently subject Captain Hollister to throughout the episode, culminating in a Heroic B.S.O.D. rendering him mute. But the best bit is when the Dwarfers think they're being sent to solitary confinement again.
Hollister (using cue cards): Where the hell are you going?
Rimmer: The hole, sir.
Hollister: You're not going to the hole, I am. (Smiles) See you in twelve months!
- Lister and Rimmer's drunk scene.
Lister: Drunk, sir? No. Not us.Ackerman: Okay. Who fancies a kebab?Lister & Rimmer: Aw yeah!(Rimmer promptly falls over on his face)
- The fact that it only takes one sip of the moonshine to get them both too smashed to even stand.
- Rimmer kneeing Death in a sensitive area.
- "Have a Fantastic Period!"
Back To Earth
- The ludicrously over-the-top Enhance Button scene in Part 2. After getting a photo of their actors they spot a business card for one of the crew, but need the address on the other side. Cue an extremely long and complicated scene of Rimmer using the H on his head, then a droplet on a lamp post and lastly reflection of a glass door, filled with zooms, enhances, rotations and flops to finally get the address of the owner of Nose World. Only for Kryten to say...
Kryten: Sir wouldn't it have been easier to look him up in the phone book?
- The entire moose Running Gag.
- Cat finds a book of random trivia that Lister was reading.
Lister: Did you know, in the 1970s, in Sweden, twenty percent of all traffic accidents involved a moose?
Cat: A moose? Well, if they're stupid enough to let 'em drive, what the hell do they expect?
Lister: No ... the moose aren't driving...
Cat: You just said they were.
Lister: No, they're not driving, they're just causing the accidents.
Cat: You mean they're in the back, fooling around, distracting the driver? That's insane! Why're they giving them a lift in the first place? Let 'em walk, they've got legs!
Lister: No! The moose aren't in the car, with their antlers out the sun roof! They're on the roads, moosing around, crossing roads, and causing accidents.
Cat: You mean they're not looking left and right?
Cat: Not using the pedestrian crossing? Not paying attention to whether it's the little red man or the little green man? Of course they're not, they're mooses! Sheesh! These Swedes, they expect too much.
- Later, while preparing for an exam, Rimmer reads out a lateral thinking problem: "It's 1971. A Swedish man drives into a tree. What causes the accident? Nothing medical, nothing wrong with the car." Lister immediately starts playing up what a hard question that is: "I bet you gotta be pretty damn smart to get a question like that right." He then guesses a moose. Rimmer scoffs at it, only to be shocked when he looks at the answers. He then reads it to Kryten, who gets it right (despite not being involved in the first conversation), and then to Cat, who gets it right before he even finishes the question. "The moose is in the road, by the way, not in the car driving." Rimmer's reactions each time are priceless.
- Cat finds a book of random trivia that Lister was reading.
- Kryten's tirade upon being left on hold, and Lister's own tantrum when he faces a dilemma between answering the customer service complaint call or not getting shot to death: "THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE STIR-MASTER ANYMORE, KRYTEN!"
- All of the resentment attacks.
- Rimmer confessing that he lied to his dying brother.
Arnold: Howard, I too have a confession. You know when I told you I was an officer in the space corps, this is my ship, I've been married three times and I've got two Lamborghini's Sesto Elementos?
Arnold: It was a lie... I've only got one (watches Howard die, turns to Kryten) I feel so much better now.
- "Turning right NOW, ma'am!"
Cat, Kryten, Lister and Rimmer all lean right.
- Whilst introducing "his crew" to Howard, Rimmer reaches Kryten:
Rimmer: When we found Kryten he was a burnt out wreck on a junk heap.Howard: And you rebuilt him? Gave him something to live for?Rimmer: No, we just hosed him down and gave him a hat.Kryten looks extremely put out.
- The Cat's reaction to finding the crashed Rimmer is to draw on his face.
Cat: Can you tell who it is yet?Lister: Aw, you can't do this, it's immoral, it's... it's... Salvador Dali, my god!
- It's then revealed that Rimmer was out for three hours. "It took longer than we thought to rub off all the felt-tip."
- In the middle of Kryten explaining to Rimmer on why his hard drive crashed:
Kryten: The average human has over three-thousand thoughts a day.Lister: [Points at Cat] He only has three.
- After losing the opportunity to buy a Stir Master, Lister turns Crawford into one.
- Lister using a combination of the new computer's predictive abilities and alcohol-induced amnesia to have a The Tape Knew You Would Say That-style conversation with himself as a father and son.
- Lister's amusing Father's Day ritual in which he writes himself a card a year in advance, gets completely blotto so he can't remember what he wrote in it, then gets Kryten to take it and deliver it back to him a year later.
- "Kryten, as the highest-ranking Officer of this ship, I order you to give the new computer 36D breasts!"
- Rimmer discovering that the new ship computer is programmed to predict his orders in advance and carry them out. Leading to the destruction of B-deck in the attempt to repair it.
Rimmer: Are you telling me that you knew I'd cock it up, so you cocked it up for me?!
- Rimmer referring to the new female computer as a "mad goth bastard!"
- A line so good, they had to put it in the trailer.
Lister: Really? Jesus...
- Lister and Jesus getting into a slap fight.
- "You make a lot of people happy! Look at me. I presumed that throughout history all famous people were amazing. And then I met you! And then I realised they're not. In fact, you're a bit of a knob!" Keep in mind that Lister says this while delivering a pep talk to the man he thinks is the Son of God.
- The fact that, of all the possibilities, Jesus has a Sunderland accent.
- Kryten drying the cutlery with his, ahem, heat outlet.
- Kryten tells Rimmer that Lister has lost him in a poker game:
Cat: We're all deeply sorry, bud. Except for me and him and him.
- Rimmer finds a woman who's interested in him only for Lister to accidentally flush her out an airlock.
Lister: You got a pen?
- The Cat's CV (nice beat):
"Does not work!
Does not clean!
Will have sex with a-ny
- The vending machine who has always dreamed of seeing around the corner. And Rimmer's reaction to seeing Lister on top of the vending machine trying to lift it from the ground.
- Lister giving a long and heartfelt speech about what a wonderful person his ex-girlfriend Haley was and how he knows she will have been a wonderful mother regardless of who fathered her children, while trying to nerve himself up to open the envelope which will tell him whether or not he was the father of her baby (and still unsure whether or not he hopes it was him). Followed by a beat while he opens the envelope, followed by:
Lister: What a total slag!
- The entire Charades sequence.
Rimmer: Your clothes are hanging on the line, and the mail pod crashed into them? How’s that two words?Cat: Cos when it happened, I said, "Oh man!"
- Rimmer being every bit the pompous Rules Lawyer in trying to surrender, even when the rogue simulants are firing on his ship. And then awesomely subverting it.
- The effects of Kryten's ship-wide search of weapons. Two forks and a pencil sharpener.
- The crew are reminded of how they got out of other problems, such as the ending to "Only the Good". Rimmer gets cut off by Cat before he can say what happened.
- Subverting You Have Failed Me.
- (After the subordinate disembowels himself) "Firstly, polish my Sword of Spite".
- "Secondly, write me a formal letter of apology."
- The Dominator ordering his subordinate executed for questioning his orders after asking them to question his orders.
- After ten series of self doubt Rimmer is finally able to save the day thanks to amazing advice from The Cat.
- The inversion of the I Am Your Father trope. Rimmer and the Dwarfers discover that the man Rimmer thought was his father was not, and that his real father was 'Dungo', the family gardener:
Rimmer: But he was a babbling imbecile!
Lister: A billion piece jigsaw suddenly falls into beautiful place.
- The flashback to Rimmer's time at Io Polytechnic, with the lecturer (his father) using him to demonstrate social pressure by having everyone else give the wrong answers to questions. And when one of the other students tries to give him a warning note, he thinks "You're a guinea pig" is an insult, and responds in kind. Made all the funnier by how smug Young Arnold looks about insulting the one person trying to stop him looking like an idiot.
- Lister: Kryten could not be more fried if he were a Mars Bar in Scotland.
- Kryten's oft-mentioned nipple nuts finally make a physical appearance... with Lister using them to recharge Kryten by hooking him up to the ship like a car battery.
- The discussion over what Albert Einstein is doing in the altered reality.
Harmony: He pushes this pram full of string around. Even got this whole theory about it.
Cat: Pram theory?
- Harmony mocking one of the cops.
Cop: Just how dense do you think I am?
Harmony: You really wanna know? Just divide your mass by your volume.
- The first part of the episode has Lister and Rimmer playing a board game. If Rimmer rolls a 2 and a 1 (possibly a callback to Rimmer rolling that exact roll back during his Risk stories in the early seasons), then Lister wins. Rimmer proceeds to roll a 2 and a 1 five times in a row.
- The board game is also part of a bet. If Rimmer wins, Lister has to wear a nightdress until he's able to play a piece of classical music off by heart. If Lister wins, Rimmer isn't allowed to complain or criticize Lister for a full week. Lister wins.
- Rimmer's boasting about his skill at the game is shot down in classic Lister fashion.
Rimmer: They used to call me "the Mine-otaur".
Lister: Is that because you were half a man who was full of bull?
- Lister and Rimmer discussing the latter's bad luck.
Lister: Smeg happens, Rimmer. You just gotta roll with it.
Rimmer: I've been rolling in smeg my entire life! So don't tell me how to roll!
- The Cat's utterly garbled knowledge of history. Apparently Archimedes was sitting under a tree one day when a bath fell on his head, which caused him to shout "Formica!" and invent gravy. His attempt to explain this is too bonkers for words.
"You can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink!"
- Kryten forgetting who Rimmer is, due to having deleted all knowledge of him in order to free up hard-drive space. It gets even better when, before undeleting the information, he lets slip that all of the information pertaining to Rimmer was stored in the Captain Bollocks folder.
Kryten: Oh, have no fear, sir! I only trashed information I considered frivolous and idiotic.
Rimmer: Without consulting me, first?!
Kryten: [turns to look over at Rimmer] ...and you are?
- Upon getting promoted, Rimmer decides to implement a class system on Red Dwarf. For him, the elevators have comfortable chairs and chilled champagne, while the Grunts' lift is hot, uncomfortable and has a deliberately rude AI controlling it. It's further elaborated with the officers' corridor, complete with conveyor belt so Rimmer doesn't even have to walk.
- Rimmer makes so many copies of himself for the officers' club, he decides to make a barbershop quartet all consisting entirely of him.
- Lister and Cat see that Rimmer's done something to their TV package, and decide to go yell at him. Most of the first half of the episode is just Lister and Cat being immediately done with Rimmer, even more than they usually are.
- How do the boys kill the monster of the week? Distract it by mentioning it hasn't made a to-do list about what it's going to do once it's finished killing Rimmer and then blasting it with their Bazookoids.
- Kryten's mid-life crisis. He starts the episode contemplating the futility of life, and when you see him next, he's covered himself in flashy gadgets and given himself a Ferrari red paint job. It's as ridiculous as it sounds.
- Kryten's glee over all these new gadgets is hilarious. His new walking speed is - get this - a full TWELVE miles per hour! He spends the rest of the scene running around in glee.
- "Now, check out these subwoofers!"
- The boys go find another 4000 Mechanoid who hasn't evolved like Kryten to try and help Kryten come to terms with his crisis. They find Butler upon the Nova 3. Not only is he as evolved as Kryten, he's also a Renaissance Man who's a painter, musician, novelist and expert chef. Also, the godfather of an alien warlord's daughter.
- Everyone spends the rest of the Starbug scene back home trying to learn the alien's language. It results in everyone going "Maaaah" over and over again for about half a minute.
- Kryten gives The Universe itself a mid-life crisis.
- The Universe's parting words to the Dwarfers: "Kryten, take off that suit. It really sucks."
- Hitler tries to bond with Lister by inviting him to jam with him. Understandable, Lister is very reluctant to do so. Hitler is well aware of this and asks "Is it because I'm Hitler?". And then they do jam together.
- The boys are informed that a nearby ship has outlawed criticism. In the spirit of politeness, they attempt to follow this law. You know how this goes. It takes Rimmer under a minute to start criticizing, and the rest of the boys quickly follow.
- This leads to them in a Criticism Removal Machine. The idea is that they just remove your critic, and all you have left is happiness. The first person they try this on is Rimmer. As it turns out, Rimmer is physically incapable of criticizing himself - and his furious rant breaks the machine within a matter of seconds.
- Rimmer starts quoting a Space Corps Directive and as soon as he rattles off the regulation number, adds an immediate "Shut up, Kryten!"
- During the election campaign for President of the machines aboard Red Dwarf, the polls indicate that Kryten and Rimmer are neck and neck. Lister and Kryten end up having to go to the one machine who can break the deadlock, Talkie Toaster.
- And to follow up, right after the election, Rimmer is locked into the garbage hold with Talkie Toaster for several days.
- Reminiscent of White Hole's "So what is it?" scene, Lister trying to get Cat to wrap his head around the fact that they must say the opposite of what's they want to happen. Cat, naturally, takes a few goes at this.
- After much searching, Rimmer finally finds a reality where he has everything he wants; He's an officer, is married, and has sons. And then he meets his new commanding officer, Captain Lister.
- Rimmer and Holly in one reality doing a word-for-word recreation of the "Everybody's Dead" scene from the first episode, except they're now discussing how the entire crew is not dead.
- Any and all moments from the outtakes, which include Chris Barrie doing random impersonations of Kenneth Williams, every kind of screw-up on the part of the cast, and Craig Charles taking abuse from everyone.
- A particular moment, during the filming of "Terrorform", where the Dwarfers are taking a boat through a swamp. Craig Charles stands up in the boat (trying to light his cigarette on one of the flame jets coming out of the swamp) and we hear the stern voice of one of the crew:
Crew Member: Craig!? Craig - Craig, don't bugger about!
Craig Charles: [in a high-pitched voice] Nehnehneh, don't bugger about!
- From "Gunmen", Craig Charles attempts to walk away from the AR machine, but forgets to remove the groinal attachment first.
- From "Emohawk", Bobby mixes up his words and dubs a prop 'Mr Guitar'. This is followed by a song and dance and an in-character explanation of the mistake.
You see for me everything's mister; (points at a flask) Mr Flask, (points at Danny) Mr Cat, (points up) Mr Microphone, (points at his groin) Mr Rather-Sad-Knob!
- From "Meltdown", the entire exchange from the scene where they've teleported into the chimney:
Craig Charles: Stone. (knocks on wall, which makes a very obvious hollow wooden sound)(audience laughs uproariously; Danny John-Jules starts laughing too)Danny John-Jules: (knocks on wall too) "Stone"!Craig Charles: Yeah. (shouts at audience) They were gonna sort that out in the dub!
- Robert Llewellyn's various deadpan reactions to forgetting his lines:
"Relocating Red Dwarf's vapour trail, at present speed and course... we're going to be doing something else. (normal voice) No idea what the rest of that line was. Might as well be doing a song and dance routine. (starts singing) New York, New York, it's a wonderful...""We can't just surrender, sir! They... do something very complicated."(walks in carrying tray) "I wondered if you'd..." (stops and walks out again. Craig waves him goodbye)
- The best part is that he always manages to stay in character as he does so.
- And when Danny forgets his lines:
Robert: (in Kryten's voice) "Anything else coming Mr. Cat?"
- An epic flub in the episode "Rimmerworld" - after Rimmer's shocked response of "600 years?!" it cuts to Danny, and, having forgotten his line, a giant smirk crosses his face.
- "Lister she's just a computer... p-pa-pussy!" (Chris is supposed to say "Computer sprite".)
- From the "Polymorph" smeg ups: "It's sleeping off a four course meal of fiv, ven... (laughter) [sigh] and dyslexia."
- From the Series V smeg-ups: Well, it is one of the risks of wearing a full-body robot costume...
Robert, with a scrunched-up face and in the Yorkshire accent he uses for Spare Head 3: "I've just cacked me pants." (Audience laughs their heads off; Hattie starts doing the same face in the background.)
- The Inquisitor: The main four start flipping the V's at the camera and at John Docherty (Inquisitor) at the other end of the set, all the while pulling funny faces. Eventually, John gets fed up of waiting and joins in.
- A blooper from the scene in "Emohawk" where Rimmer learns he has severe health problems. "I knew it! It's the heart attacks– well, not the heart bloody attacks." (audience laughs as Chris mimes having a heart attack) He was supposed to say "headaches".
- From the episode "Terrorform", where Craig Charles is operating a blowtorch with a welding mask lifted up off his face. Director Juliet May asks him to lower the mask.
Craig: See, thing is, I can't see out of this mask.May: That doesn't matter, we don't know that.Craig: Yeah, but I could cut me [bleep]ing knob off, you know what I mean?! "It doesn't matter, we can't tell." Well, when you smell the burning flesh you might, y'know!
- From "Meltdown" — not only does Chris Barrie flub his lines, but the shoot keeps getting interrupted by the sound of aircrafts overhead ruining perfectly good takes.
Chris: Well, Sartre, we don't like existentialists around here. And we certainly don't like French philosophers poncing around in their black polo-neck sweaters filling everyone's heads with their theories about the bleakness of absurdity and the exenshista— f[bleep]k there's an aircraft overhead as well Sartre. (actor playing Sartre nods)
- The climatic scene at the end of 'Out Of Time', Rimmer sees the others die and gets to his feet, grabs the bazookoid, kicks open the door... and bounces off the doorframe as the bazookoid is too wide to fit through. What really makes it funny though is Chris doesn't stop and runs through the door as if he's continuing the scene.
- "Look at the HAM! HAM DRIPPING OFF HIM! HAM CITY!"
- Norman Lovett being the Butt-Monkey of the cast as they comment on every single flaw in his appearance.
- "It's Tony Hawwwks!" (Also adopted by fan podcasts.)
- Chloe Annett's many crazy hairstyles.
- "Other Xs are available."
- Impressions of Doug Naylor and the rest of the crew. "Yeah, no, yeah. It's funneh."
- The brilliant conversation during "Psirens" about Doug justifying filming asteroid scenes in a quarry off the M25 rather than somewhere more exotic:
Danny (impersonating Doug): Yeah, it's funny because the word "quarry"'s funny.
Bobby (impersonating Doug): Yeah, what's funny about filming in Morocco? No!
Chris (impersonating Doug): Although we don't say the word "quarry", it's still funny, yeah.
- During "Quarantine", the whole conversation about Rob, Doug and Rocket:
Danny (as Rob) We-we've got a scene 'ere — i-i-i-i-i-i' IS a scene, isn't it, Doug?Danny (as Doug) Yeah, I think so, it is a scene, yeah.Danny (as Rob) Right, Rocket, now — is that — what's that? A camera, isn't it?
- The brilliant conversation during "Psirens" about Doug justifying filming asteroid scenes in a quarry off the M25 rather than somewhere more exotic:
- Mocking the dark lighting in which Danny becomes invisible. It turns out they had the contrast turned down.
- Some of the "alternative" cast introductions are hilarious:
Chris: Hello, I'm Chris Barrett, the star of Red Pilot.
Craig: I'm Craig David.
Danny: I'm Daniella Westbrook.
Bobby: And I'm Roberta Lou-Ellen. I used to be in Dallas.
- All the rest of the cast impersonating Craig Charles on the Series V commentaries, where he was absent due to being ill. "So, Craig, what do you think about this episode?" "Ehh, I dunno, y'know, I thought it was a bit pony..."
- From "The Bodysnatcher Collection": Doug Naylor's anecdote about the time he went to see a taping of The Young Ones (directed by Red Dwarf executive producer Paul Jackson). After one too many screw-ups, Paul stormed onto the set and loudly berated the cast in front of the audience in such an over-the-top hilarious way that Doug thought to himself, "Oh, what a brilliant example of Breaking the Fourth Wall! They've even got the director in the show playing this horrendous Prima Donna Director character!" It wasn't an act.
- "Chris makes his missus wear WD-40 so she smells like his Bentley."
- The end credits of "Justice", where the cast all sing along with the theme song. Then, right at the end:
Craig: So that's why you all act!
- When Lister and other recruits meet Holly for the first time and are allowed to test his knowledge by asking him anything:
They all began shouting questions: "Who was the ... ?" "How many ... ?" "When did... ?" and, one by one, Holly got them right.
Finally Petersen asked a question. "Why is the room going round and round?"
"Because you're drunk," said Holly.
"That's riiiiight!" Petersen clapped, delighted.
- "Spaghettification. Let me guess. I can see only two options: one — due to the bizarre effects of the intense gravitational pull, and because we're entering a region of time and space where the laws of physics no longer apply, we all of us inexplicably develop an irresistible urge to consume vast amounts of a certain wheat-based Italian noodle conventionally served with Parmesan cheese; or two — we, the crew, get turned into spaghetti. I have a feeling we can eliminate option one."
- Rimmer's complaints in the Android Brothel: "She nearly pulled the damn thing off! It was like being trapped in a milking machine!"
- Kryten turns his hearing up to maximum when Rimmer asks him if he can hear anything and can only hear a beetle several decks away shuffling around. For simplicity he says he can't hear anything.
- The novel's version of the funeral scene listed at the very top of this page uses the equally-funny "Heaven is 10 Zillion Light Years Away."
- In the Talkie Toaster interviews on the website, Talkie meets Legion, an entity that is composed of the consciousnesses of the people around him, even if it was only one person. This means that Talkie Toaster is stuck having his own toast obsession thrown back at him.
- Doug Naylor on the Series X documentary is about to explain what happened at the end of Only The Good, only for the credits to roll.
- Though the unsold American pilot is essentially a Flanderized version of the real show, the line "My baseball cards must be worth a fortune!" (shown during the pilot's profile in ABC's Best TV Shows That Never Were special) is kinda funny.
- During the A-Z Of Red Dwarf feature, the two actors who played the Nazi soldiers who got the crocodile dropped on them complain that they were told they were starring in a historically accurate World War 2 drama only to find themselves on a silly sitcom where they have plastic crocodiles dropped on them. Immediately, the crocodile is dropped on them again.
- The entire story of the explosion on Series 7's Beyond a Joke. Robert originally wrote in the tank expecting it to be changed, but no - Doug wanted it to stay. Then they set up the gazebo to blow on army lands, with some residential areas nearby and the Army insisted that the production team not inform the neighbours about the explosion "because if you do it, then we'll have to every time we have an explosion." Problem is, no one knew quite how large the blast was going to be and it was quite substantial. So much so, that a lot of windows in the nearby residential parts were blown out from the shockwave, leading to panic and a few phonecalls to the police.