Funny: The Red Green Show

  • Most installments of "The Possum Lodge Word Game", but one in particular stands out. The word is "Wolves", and the contestant is Dalton. Every clue Red comes up with gets the same answer: "My wife's side of the family." Finally, Red catches on:
    Red: Your wife's side of the family eating.
    Dalton: Wolves!
  • On one episode, Red says that he wants to take up astronomy. Harold turns to the audience and says, "Well, he's always been good at staring off into space."
  • On one episode, the Possum Lodge trades places with a community in Iowa. Turns out all of the Iowans are Expys of the Possum Lodge members. Cue Red meeting expys of Dalton, Winston and Mike... then himself, prompting a little bit of anger.
    Red: (addressing his wife at the end) That man is NOT me! When I hop into bed tonight, you better check my personal ID and I think you know what I mean by that!
  • In one "Possum Lodge Word Game", Red repeatedly tries to get Dougie to guess "Canada". After giving up in frustration, he holds up the card and says the word. Dougie says, "Oh, that's still a country?" Made even funnier by the show actually taking place in Canada (which was one of Red's hints).
    • Dougie gets another one. After failing to make him guess "Love", Red says "I can't believe you can't guess this word!". Dougie implies that he knew the word all along by saying "Well, Red. There hasn't been a woman alive that could make me say it, and even though you're a handsome man, you can't make me say it either!"
  • Some of Red's campfire songs. One example:
    ♪ Oh, a horse with a horn's called a unicorn
    ♪ A horse with stripes is called a zebra
    ♪ A horse with wings is called a pegasus
    ♪ And a horse with a broken leg is called glue♪
  • And another:
    ♪ Oh, the mountain is high and the valley is low
    ♪ It's the laws of nature that make it so
    ♪ If the valley is high and the mountain is low
    ♪ You're either upside down or drunk or both♪
  • And a third:
    Red:♪ Did you ever have a dream that you were falling
    ♪ Well, chances are you're not really falling
    ♪ Unless you fell asleep skydiving
    ♪ And that's not really recommended♪
    Harold: If you read the instructions, you'd know that.
  • And a fourth:
    Red:♪ Fingers are handy, you must understand
    ♪ You can do more things with your fingers than you can count on one hand
    ♪ Work with them, point with them, pick with them, scratch
    ♪ But if you give a big guy the finger, you may not get it back♪
  • And who could forget that classic Christmas carol: "Cheesy, the Christmas Rat"?
    (Brackets indicate Harold singing)
    ♪ He comes down the chimney on Christmas Eve
    ♪ After we've all gone to bed
    ♪ He's not all that nice or jolly
    ♪ Until after he's been fed
    ♪ He's got beady eyes, and yellow teeth
    ♪ And his fur drops off when he moults
    ♪ His tail kinda wiggles and dances and jiggles
    ♪ Like a snake takin' 300 volts!
    ♪ He's Cheesy! (Cheesy!) The Christmas Rat
    ♪ Long and smelly and pretty darn fat
    ♪ Cheesy! (Cheesy!) The Christmas Rat
    ♪ Dropping a little surprise in your hat
    ♪ He comes with a gift! You don't have to beg!
    ♪ He's here to give everyone bubonic plague!
    ♪ Cheesy! (Cheesy!) The Christmas Rat
    ♪ And that's why everybody..... should have a gun! ♪
    Merry Christmas.
  • And this sixth one:
    ♪ Oh, the twins can sleep on the table
    ♪ And Aunt Helen can sleep in the chair
    ♪ Uncle Toby just sucked down my beer,
    ♪ So he can sleep pretty much anywhere as I'm concerned
    ♪ Joyce has camped out in the boathouse
    ♪ Fritz has the kitchen floor
    ♪ And that brand new little baby is looking kind of dangerous,
    ♪ So he can sleep in the silverware drawer
    ♪ Oh, my sisters can bunk in with Mum
    ♪ I'll sleep in an orange crate
    ♪ Fred and John and Bruce and Lon
    ♪ Al and Tom and Joe and Don
    ♪ Can sleep in the car and asphyxiate
    ♪ It's okay to rent a cottage
    ♪ With the sun shining down on the lake
    ♪ But telling all your friends and relatives
    ♪ Believe me, is a big mistake ♪
    • The one about wrinkly dogs from "Harold's Leaving":
    ♪ Well have you ever seen a wrinkled dog, covered with creases and folds?
    ♪ Either too much skin or not enough bones, it makes him look tired and old.
    ♪ A wrinkly dog seemed odd to me, kinda dangerous jumpin' a fence.
    ♪ But since I put on a pound or two, extra skin makes a lot more sense.
    • The one about dating a librarian:
    ♪ Oh she worked at the local library, though we had never met,
    ♪ I was walking, it started to rain, and I'd rather be bored than wet.
    ♪ So I ducked inside the library door, and saw her stamping some books.
    ♪ My decimals all got Dewey, when she gave me that literary look.
    ♪ Oh I pretended I liked reading books, as I asked her out to the dance,
    ♪ She classified me as fiction, and then later that moved to romance.
    ♪ You can't judge a book by its cover, that librarian had me astounded.
    ♪ She had both brains and beauty, not just well read, but well rounded.
    ♪ Love is hard to read, and librarians are often fickle.
    ♪ I returned her home ten minutes late, and she had the nerve to fine me a nickel!
    • Red's comfortable with himself:
    ♪ Oh, I like honey, I like jam,
    ♪ I like myself just the way I am.
    ♪ I don't mind the pimples and I don't mind the warts,
    ♪ And I really don't care how bad I look in shorts.
    ♪ I got skinny arms and a great big nose,
    ♪ I got hair in my ears and hair on my toes.
    ♪ People say I'm ugly, but I don't make a fuss,
    ♪ 'Cause I always get a seat by myself. On the bus.
  • In one episode, Red and Dalton both wrench their backs and go to a masseuse, who makes them both feel much better. Mike Hamar also goes there just because. At the end of the episode, Red and Dalton both discover that the masseuse is really an undercover cop... a MALE undercover cop in drag, they are both Squicked, but Mike seems fine. Instead of doing his usual sign-off, Red tells his wife that is she is home, which he hopes for once she is not, he'll go home to bathe in boiling bleach, and adds, "And to the rest of you... sorry you watched!" At the lodge meeting, after they say, "I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess," Red quickly adds, "But not that much!"
  • In the movie, when everyone rises at the courthouse, Edgar folds his arms over himself and starts to say "Quando omni flunkus moritati" before the others cut him off.
  • Another Red-Dalton exchange from the Word Game:
    Red: Let's say your wife has a fancy dinner plannedó
    Dalton: KFC!
    • From the same Word Game (the answer is "HAND"):
    Red: Five fingers.
    Dalton: Five angry drivers!
  • In another Word Game (the answer is "TEENAGER"):
    Red: To you, this person gets away with murder.
    Dalton: (excitedly) OJ Simpson!
  • When Red and Harold return from the local science fair, completely blackened and singed down one side of their bodies.
    Red: Whose project exploded?
    Harold: You mean the first time?
  • In one early episode (Season 3), Red started a volunteer fire brigade. The audience couldn't stop laughing when he entered having just put out the first fire. (It was the fire truck, yet.) Harold becomes amused at Red's misfortune, to which Red promptly blasts Harold with his fire extinguisher. Red then discusses how the fire truck got burned (they kept on painting it to try to match their local fire department until the paint ran off the vehicle and came in contact with a barbecue). In closing:
    Red: Now the truck is not red or yellow anymore, it's just more of a basic black. Now the question is, what can you do with a useless, burned-out wreck?
    Harold: Well, you could make it host of its own show!
  • Harold is starting a Word Game in the 1995 season: "Dalton, you have 30 seconds to get my uncle Red to say this—", then sees the word ("SEX") and starts freaking out. Dalton, confused as ever, starts coughing. Red, looking amongst them, dryly guesses "sex". Harold whoops loudly while Dalton rings the bell to end the game in a rather sarcastic way.
  • In another Word Game, Ranger Gord is playing the game. As soon as Harold says go, Gord just starts shouting out random words. He ends up saying the word, "NOSTRIL", on a blind guess.
  • During the lodge luau:
    Red: Shouldn't you be out there surfing?
    Harold: I'm not leaving till that fire is out!
    Red: What do you care, you're on Possum Lake.
    Harold: That's what's on fire!
  • And then there is the Handyman Corner segment from one Season 3 episode in which Red creates, as only he can, some anniversary gifts for his wife, including a lady shaver and a hair dryer, both of which he experiments on Harold. The lady shaver part is particularly priceless: Red sticks a strip of duct tape on Harold's leg and then snaps it off. After an obviously-pained Harold tells Red that it didn't hurt, he leaves, after which he just screaming in pain.
  • Red tries to make a movie about himself and holds auditions. After going through several people auditioning for the parts of Red and Harold, he gets to Edgar Montrose...who auditions to play Bernice. Red immediately shouts "Next!"
  • In one segment, Hap laments the fact that there's so much crap on TV today, that it almost makes him sorry he invented it. Red butts in, "Invented what, Hap? Crap?"
  • A Possum Lodge Word Game, Red is trying to get Winston to guess the word "artificial", and in typical formula fails horribly until the last moment when he has a stroke of brilliance:
    Red: Oh! Winston, do you remember that cheerleader you dated? The one with the great body?
    Winston: (immediately becomes sad and hangs his head) ...Artificial.
  • A quick one from Buzz Sherwood, parodying Forrest Gump:
    My mama always said, "Buzz, life is like a box of chocolates. SO PIG OUT!!"
    (Buzz laughs maniacally as he stuffs his mouth full of chocolates and then shows it off to the camera)
  • The quickest lodge meeting ever at the end of "The Drive-Thru" after the gang has found out they've been making burgers out of aphrodisiacs for bulls.
    Red: I'm thinking Harold is in for a rough night. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I mean straight home!
  • In "The Beef Project", a local farmer died. In a scene after Red came back after the reading of the will, Red says the lodge inherited a manure pile.
    Red: So we do not come out of it empty handed. We are now the heirs of manure.
    Harold: Have you ever smelled the air of manure?
    • Later, after it is learned that Junior inherited a cow that they plan to butcher and eat, Red announces that they are bringing the cow over to the lodge to get the job done:
      Red: Stinky's bringing the cow over in the back seat of his 1969 Cadillac. He's got twice as much legroom there, which is good, 'cause the cow's got twice as much leg.
      Harold: (shocked and disgusted) Stinky's putting a farm animal in the back of his Cadillac!? What about the smell?
      Red: The cow didn't seem to mind.
  • The Adventure segment where Bill, Harold, and Walter go to what they think is a nude beach. It's even funnier if you just listen to Red's narration.
  • Beginning of the episode "Snowed In", Red demonstrates how to cheat your way through a physical exam by using helium to reduce your weight by inflating a pool floaty in your clothes. However, his plan backfires when the floaty explodes the moment he gets in the van. Red then exclaims "Oh the humanity!" in a helium voice.
  • Another Possum Lodge Word Game, with Mike trying to guess "slip".
    Red: This is something that people are afraid will happen to them in the shower.
    (Extremely long, awkward pause, as Mike's expression says it all.)
    Mike: ...At home, or in prison?
    Red: At home.
    Mike: Oh. Slip.
  • Yet another Word Game, where Dalton tries to guess "paranoid":
    Red: You have two slippers. That makes a...
    Dalton: ...pair.
    Red: Someone bugs you, you get...
    Dalton: ...annoyed.
    Red: Put 'em together, put 'em together.
    Dalton: Are you saying someone is stealing my slippers to annoy me? (Beat) You know, it's probably my neighbor! He's trying to get me! He thinks I sneak into his house at night and rearrange his furniture.
    Red: Okay, and he thinks that way because he's...
    Dalton: (smugly) ...caught me doing it.
  • In one of his stand-up specials, Red names this as his favourite poem that they did on the show:
    It is February 2nd
    A groundhog comes out of his hole and sees a shadow
    It is the shadow of my right front tire
    That means winter will last for another 6 weeks
    But not for him!
  • During the Red Green New Year's special, Red uses toaster elements to make a light-up New Year's Eve message. It reads, "TOAST YOURSELF AT NEW YEARS EVE". Unfortunately, most of the toaster elements short out, and the few remaining lit elements now read, "YOU F AT ARS E".
  • In the Adventures With Bill segment of "The Badger Project", Bill tries to trap a snake, only for it to get in his pants. Red then takes a bat and tries to take a whack at Bill's pants. During this time, Red as narrator says, "Here's something I've always wanted to do! Go for it, Red!"
  • Yet another campfire song:
    Red:♪ Oh, your kite got caught in a high-tension wire.
    ♪ You thought you could get it down.
    ♪ So you leaned your ladder up against the pole,
    ♪ And you heard a funny sound.
    ♪ You climbed and you climbed way up to the top
    ♪ Where the ladder touched the transformer.
    ♪ You grabbed the wire to free your kite
    ♪ And you noticed your hand getting warmer.
    Red and Harold: (in unison) ♪ Ohhhhhh...
    Red: ♪ Sparks flew out and away you went,
    ♪ With one arm noticeably enlarged.
    ♪ Now, normally, the cops would make an arrest,
    ♪ But they can see you've already been charged. ♪
  • Any of Hap's tall tales. Pick one.
    • In one episode, Hap tells Red and Harold that he invented basketball (the real inventor of basketball, James Naesmith, was apparently Hap's C.I.A. cover name), and Red and Harold look at each other, perplexed:
      Harold: I'm finding [what Hap says] very hard to believe.
      Red: That's because you're listening.
      • Then, when Hap continues to insist that he invented basketball and Harold continues to protest, Red cuts in:
        Red: No, maybe Hap is right. Remember that time he was up on the drunk and disorderly, dribbling all over the court?
  • In "Guinness World Records", Winston tries to break the record for most coffee drank. Of course, this makes him wiry and a Motor Mouth. This culminates at the Possum Lodge meeting, where he says the "Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati" and men's prayer much faster than everybody else.
  • In "Step Outside", Red's repeated advice to Harold, who's being bullied: "Just nail him."
  • In "Free Apricots", Red is queasy from eating so many bad apricots, and Harold just makes it worse by listing all the things one can do at an apricot festival. Red gets more and more sickly while Harold talks, leading to this:
    Red: Don't say the word "apricot".
    Harold: Am I pronouncing it wrong? Apricot. Apricot.
    (Red groans and runs outside to throw up)
  • "Too Much Information": Dalton becomes obsessed with the new computer in the lodge, while Red is less enthused:
    Dalton: Y'know, Red, there's way more to computers than this, though. C'mon over here, Red, and I'll show you how the Internet works!
    Red: Oh, I know,!
  • In one episode, Edgar proudly recalls a time when he was called on to blow up a flour mill in Port Asbestos:
    Edgar: To flatten that flour mill and not even scratch the gas station right next door.
    Red: Gas station? No, next to the flour mill, you have the old railway shed there, then there's the bowling alley, then you've got the fountain, and then there's the gas station. It's not next door to the flour mill.
    Edgar: It is now.
  • At the end of "Hurricane Doug", a huge storm hits the Possum Lodge area, prompting Dalton and Mike to bolt downstairs. Red soon follows, after delivering an abridged version of his sign-off catchphrase:
    Red: (quickly and nervously) If my wife is watching, see ya later! Keep your stick on the ice! (runs)
    • Then, at the meeting downstairs, after they say their usual Man's Prayer, there is a crash of thunder outside and the room is plunged into darkness, prompting Red to cry out, "I SAID I'LL CHANGE!!!"
  • The "Red's Sage Advice" from "The Battle Call" (about a woman asking, "Do I look old?") has a great line:
    Red: She knows she looks old, and she knows you know she looks old. What she's concerned about is that you're gonna be unhappy because she looks old. So when she asks, "Do I look old?", give her an answer that puts her mind at ease, say, "You look perfect to me, honey," or "Not through these eyes," rather than "Don't worry about it, I never look at you."
  • The "sit down/all rise!" bit from "No Duct Tape": Dalton doesn't even fully sit down himself before commanding, "ALL RISE!"
    • Also, earlier, Red freaks out at the lack of any duct tape in the lodge:
      Dalton: Try and stay calm, Red.
  • In the "Handyman Corner" in "The Fishing Derby", Red demonstrates how to make a cup of coffee using your lawnmower. The queasy look on his face when he samples it is priceless. Moments before, he says, "Another advantage with using a lawnmower as a coffee maker is, you can say to your guests, 'Who wants mower coffee?'"
  • In the "Experts" segment on "Possum Lodge Provincial Park":
    Harold: "Dear experts: Now that I'm older, I've noticed that certain parts of my body don't function as well as they used to."
    Red: (disgusted) Oh for...
    (Dalton covers his ears)
  • The ending of "Snowed In", where, due to the snowstorm, the only ones at the Possum Lodge meeting are Red, Harold, Dalton, and Mike.