- Most installments of "The Possum Lodge Word Game", but one in particular stands out. The word is "Wolves", and the contestant is Dalton. Every clue Red comes up with gets the same answer: "My wife's side of the family." Finally, Red catches on:
Red: Your wife's side of the family eating.
- In one "Possum Lodge Word Game", Red repeatedly tries to get Dougie to guess "Canada". After giving up in frustration, he holds up the card and says the word. Dougie says, "Oh, that's still a country?" Made even funnier by the show actually taking place in Canada (which was one of Red's hints).
- Dougie gets another one. After failing to make him guess "Love", Red says "I can't believe you can't guess this word!". Dougie implies that he knew the word all along by saying "Well, Red. There hasn't been a woman alive that could make me say it, and even though you're a handsome man, you can't make me say it either!"
- In a subsequent episode, Red again tries to get Dougie to guess "Love". This time, he is successful:
Red: Your heart's pounding, you're barely touching the ground, you're in...
Dougie: ...fourth gear!
Red: No. Okay, you're with the one you dream about, you're everything, okay? You're in...
Dougie: ...my garage.
Red: (getting frustrated) Dougie, there's more to life than cars and monster trucks!
Dougie: You've never been in love, have you?
- Later, other lodge members would try to guess "love", too, including Ed...:
Red: This means never having to say you're sorry...
Ed: Bumping into a deaf guy?
- ...and Dalton:
Red: What is the point of Valentine's Day?
Dalton: Oh, I'm with you a hundred percent there, Red.
- Another Red-Dalton exchange from the Word Game:
Red: Let's say your wife has a fancy dinner planned—
- From the same Word Game (the answer is "HAND"):
Red: Five fingers.
Dalton: Five angry drivers!
- In another Word Game (the answer is "TEENAGER"):
Red: To you, this person gets away with murder.
Dalton: (excitedly) OJ Simpson!
- Harold is starting a Word Game in "The Network Deal": "Dalton, you have 30 seconds to get my uncle Red to say this—", then sees the word ("SEX") and starts freaking out. Dalton, confused as ever, starts coughing. Red, looking amongst them, dryly guesses "sex". Harold whoops loudly while Dalton rings the bell to end the game in a rather sarcastic way.
- In another Word Game, Ranger Gord is playing the game. As soon as Harold says go, Gord just starts shouting out random words. He ends up saying the word, "NOSTRIL", on a blind guess.
- A Possum Lodge Word Game, Red is trying to get Winston to guess the word "artificial", and in typical formula fails horribly until the last moment when he has a stroke of brilliance:
Red: Oh! Winston, do you remember that cheerleader you dated? The one with the great body?
Winston: (immediately becomes sad and hangs his head) ...Artificial.
- Another Possum Lodge Word Game, with Mike trying to guess "slip".
This is something that people are afraid will happen to them in the shower.
(Extremely long, awkward pause, as Mike's expression says it all.) Mike:
...At home, or in prison
At home. Mike:
- Yet another Word Game, where Dalton tries to guess "paranoid":
You have two slippers. That makes a... Dalton:
Someone bugs you, you get... Dalton:
Put 'em together, put 'em together. Dalton:
Are you saying someone is stealing my slippers to annoy me? (Beat)
You know, it's probably my neighbor! He's trying to get me! He thinks I sneak into his house at night and rearrange his furniture. Red:
Okay, and he thinks that way because he's... Dalton: (smugly)
...caught me doing
- In one Possum Lodge Word Game segment, Kevin tries to get Red to guess the word "sushi":
Kevin: When you go to a Japanese restaurant, what do you eat?
Red: I don't go to a Japanese restaurant.
Kevin: I know you don't, but if you did, what would you eat?
Kevin: They don't serve pizza.
Red: No, I bring it with me.
Kevin: They don't let you do that.
Red: That's why I don't go!
- In another Possum Lodge Word Game, Red tries to get Edgar to guess the word "unsafe":
Red: If you just leave dynamite lying around, that would be...
Edgar: Oh, handy.
Red: But let's say nutbars and lunatics get a hold of dynamite. Then that would be...
- In yet another Possum Lodge Word Game, Red tries to get Ranger Gord to guess the word "water":
Red: This is something you drink.
Gord: Vinegar and sap.
Red: No, sorry, that was my fault. This is something normal people drink.
Red: Okay, but this has no taste to it.
Gord: American beer?
- Just the goofy way moderator Harold announces the word "dead" in the "Possum Lodge Word Game" from "The Winter Carnival".
- The "Word Game" from the season 6 opener is one of the best ever for the show, and that's saying something. The word is "father".
: All right, Mike, your mother is married to... Mike
: Uh, her job. Exotic dancing's her life. Red
: Alright, okay, okay, I'm talking about, the man who take care of you when you were young was your... Mike
: Truant officer. Red
: No, this– this is a family member, Mike. The man who slept with your mother. Mike
: ...Could you be more specific? Red
: Okay, growing up with just a mom, you knew you had a... Mike
: Curfew. Red
: Another word for "daddy". Mike
: Lifer. Red
: Alright, alright, Mike, if your wife has kids, you'll be... Mike
: Long gone. Red
: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Just like your... Mike
: Father. Red
: There we go! (repeatedly rings bell)
- Two Word Game moments with Buzz...
- In one, he has to guess the word "breakfast":
Red: On your birthday, your girlfriend brings you something in bed.
Buzz: (leans in close, surprised) You want me to say that?!
- In another, he has to guess the word "nudist":
If a woman doesn't believe in wearing clothes, you would call her a... Buzz: (ecstatic) A lot!
- Whenever Mike announces that it is time for the Word Game, it's guaranteed hilarity.
- Yet another Red-Dalton exchange on the Word Game; the word is "About":
When a soldier turns around and goes in the opposite direction, they call that... Dalton: ...the French
- Another Word Game which has Red and Mike, and the word is "Blame":
Red: Let's say I do something stupid. Everybody knows I did it. I go to the lodge meeting, and what do I do?
Mike: Blame Harold.
- The entirety of the Word Game from one season 11 episode, where Red himself has to guess the word "celibate". The amused expression on Dalton's face when he announces the word has got to be the perfect setup.
Harold: What do you call a person who's never had any sexual activity?
Harold: (offended) I don't have to be here for this, you know!
Red: Alright, c'mon, c'mon!
Harold: No, no, it's not a name, but it is a descriptive word for someone who doesn't have sex.
Harold: No, no, no, no, no. It's a part of someone's life when they're not interested in intimate contact.
Harold: No. Okay, it's a decision they make, and they say, "No, no sexual activity for me, because I'm..."
Harold: No. Okay, most religious workers are this...
Red: Tax exempt?
Harold: (surprised) Tax exempt? Why would you think tax exempt?
(Dalton informs Harold that they're running out of time)
Harold: Alright, okay, Uncle Red, what do you do during trout season to earn extra money?
Red: Sell bait.
(Harold wryly rings the bell, ending the game, against Dalton's objections, likely about the choice of words.)
- In one episode, Red tries to get Edgar to guess the word "pool":
- In another episode, Red tries to get Edgar to guess the word "passion".
Red: This is an exotic fruit.
Edgar: Red, I think the politically-correct term is "alternate lifestyle".
- In another episode, Red tries to get Dougie to guess the word "manners":
Red: When someone belches at the table, that's a sign of bad...
Red: When you belch at the table, your mom says, "Mind your..."
- In another episode, Red tries to get Edgar to guess the word "delicate":
Red: What word comes to mind when you think of bone china or crystal?
- On one episode, Red says that he wants to take up astronomy. Harold turns to the audience and says, "Well, he's always been good at staring off into space."
- On one episode, the Possum Lodge trades places with a community in Iowa. Turns out all of the Iowans are Expys of the Possum Lodge members. Cue Red meeting expys of Dalton, Edgar, Winston and Mike... then himself, prompting a little bit of anger.
Red: (addressing his wife at the end) That man is NOT me! When I hop into bed tonight, you better check my personal ID and I think you know what I mean by that!
- Some of Red's campfire songs. One example:
♪ Oh, a horse with a horn's called a unicorn
♪ A horse with stripes is called a zebra
♪ A horse with wings is called a pegasus
♪ And a horse with a broken leg is called glue♪
- And another:
♪ Oh, the mountain is high and the valley is low
♪ It's the laws of nature that make it so
♪ If the valley is high and the mountain is low
♪ You're either upside down or drunk or both♪
- And a third:
Red:♪ Did you ever have a dream that you were falling
♪ Well, chances are you're not really falling
♪ Unless you fell asleep skydiving
♪ And that's not really recommended♪
Harold: If you read the instructions, you'd know that.
- And a fourth, from "The New Doctor":
Red:♪ Fingers are handy, you must understand
♪ You can do more things with your fingers than you can count on one hand
♪ Work with them, point with them, pick with them, scratch
♪ But if you give a big guy the finger, you may not get it back♪
- And who could forget that classic Christmas carol: "Cheesy, the Christmas Rat"?
(Brackets indicate Harold singing)
♪ He comes down the chimney on Christmas Eve
♪ After we've all gone to bed
♪ He's not all that nice or jolly
♪ Until after he's been fed
♪ He's got beady eyes, and yellow teeth
♪ And his fur drops off when he moults
♪ His tail kinda wiggles and dances and jiggles
♪ Like a snake takin' 300 volts!
♪ He's Cheesy! (Cheesy!) The Christmas Rat
♪ Long and smelly and pretty darn fat
♪ Cheesy! (Cheesy!) The Christmas Rat
♪ Dropping a little surprise in your hat
♪ He comes with a gift! You don't have to beg!
♪ He's here to give everyone bubonic plague!
♪ Cheesy! (Cheesy!) The Christmas Rat
♪ And that's why everybody..... should have a gun! ♪
- And this sixth one:
♪ Oh, the twins can sleep on the table
♪ And Aunt Helen can sleep in the chair
♪ Uncle Toby just sucked down my beer,
♪ So he can sleep pretty much anywhere as far as I'm...
♪ Joyce has camped out in the boathouse
♪ Fritz has the kitchen floor
♪ And that brand new little baby is looking kind of dangerous,
♪ So he can sleep in the silverware drawer
♪ Oh, my sisters can bunk in with Mum
♪ I'll sleep in an orange crate
♪ Fred and John and Bruce and Lon
♪ Al and Tom and Joe and Don
♪ Can sleep in the car and asphyxiate
♪ It's okay to rent a cottage
♪ With the sun shining down on the lake
♪ But telling all your friends and relatives
♪ Believe me, is a big mistake ♪
- The one about wrinkly dogs from "Harold's Leaving":
♪ Well have you ever seen a wrinkled dog, covered with creases and folds?
♪ Either too much skin or not enough bones, it makes him look tired and old.
♪ A wrinkly dog seemed odd to me, kinda dangerous jumpin' a fence.
♪ But since I put on a pound or two, extra skin makes a lot more sense.
- The one about dating a librarian:
♪ Oh she worked at the local library, though we had never met,
♪ I was walking, it started to rain, and I'd rather be bored than wet.
♪ So I ducked inside the library door, and saw her stamping some books.
♪ My decimals all got Dewey, when she gave me that literary look.
♪ Oh I pretended I liked reading books, as I asked her out to the dance,
♪ She classified me as fiction, and then later that moved to romance.
♪ You can't judge a book by its cover, that librarian had me astounded.
♪ She had both brains and beauty, not just well read, but well rounded.
♪ Love is hard to read, and librarians are often fickle.
♪ I returned her home ten minutes late, and she had the nerve to fine me a nickel!
- Red's comfortable with himself:
♪ Oh, I like honey, I like jam,
♪ I like myself just the way I am.
♪ I don't mind the pimples and I don't mind the warts,
♪ And I really don't care how bad I look in shorts.
♪ I got skinny arms and a great big nose,
♪ I got hair in my ears and hair on my toes.
♪ People say I'm ugly, but I don't make a fuss,
♪ 'Cause I always get a seat by myself. On the bus.
- Here's yet another campfire song:
♪ Oh, there are certain things you should never do
♪ Like donate things that you find on your shoe
♪ Don't have a nap in the middle of the road
♪ And don't ever lick a toad
♪ No, don't lick a toad, don't lick it
♪ You're better off to just kick it
♪ Or better still, leave it alone, it wasn't bothering you any
♪ No, don't lick a toad, don't lick it
♪ Just say no to toads♪
♪ How smart can you be?
♪ You'll never know 'til you try.
♪ How far can you go?
♪ You'll never know 'til you try.
♪ Are you slow or are you quick?
♪ You'll never know until you poke a mountain lion with a stick.♪
- Yet another campfire song:
Red:♪ Oh, your kite got caught in a high-tension wire.
♪ You thought you could get it down.
♪ So you leaned your ladder up against the pole,
♪ And you heard a funny sound.
♪ You climbed and you climbed way up to the top
♪ Where the ladder touched the transformer.
♪ You grabbed the wire to free your kite
♪ And you noticed your hand getting warmer.
Red and Harold: (in unison) ♪ Ohhhhhh...
Red: ♪ Sparks flew out and away you went,
♪ With one arm noticeably enlarged.
♪ Now, normally, the cops would make an arrest,
♪ But they can see you've already been charged. ♪
- From "Swiss It Up":
Red:♪ Oh, he popped a wheelie right there by the door, the tires are smokin' good.
♪ He misses a shift from second to third, and a flame pops up under the hood!
♪ He hits the wall in a four-wheel drift, but that's the price you pay,
♪ When you go to the fancy hotel in town, and you hand your car keys to the valet.
- The very first campfire song, about skinnydipping:
Red: ♪ On a clear summer night when the warm summer breeze
♪ comes down to the water and rustles the trees
♪ The bunch of us meet there and... strip to the buff
♪ 'Cause boys will be boys, and enough is enough
♪ We go skinnydippin'
♪ Flop and flippin'
♪ When nature's callin'
♪ We go cannonballin'
♪ Heart rate rises, spirit soars, the moon you see might even be yours
♪ Slappin' my butt on the lake. ♪
- A trip to the family cottage:
♪ Red: Oh, we're headin' for the cottage at the break of dawn,
♪ Got our seatbelt buckled and our helmets on.
♪ Daddy's in a bad mood, mommy's in a funk,
♪ Got the boat on the roof and the dog in the trunk.
♪ Oh, we're headin' to the cottage and the traffic's gettin' tight,
♪ Car's gettin' hot and there's gonna be a fight.
♪ So I'm starin' out the window, bein' as quiet as I get,
♪ 'Cause I don't want my last words to be, "Are we there yet?!"
- Moose Thompson with no shirt:
♪ Red: There's no excuse, but here comes Moose,
♪ and he hasn't got a shirt on.
♪ Like a kodiak with his hairy back,
♪ and a week and a half of dirt on.
♪ Oh there's a big roll of fat, holds his smokes and that,
♪ It's sure not a sight to please,
♪ I'm also told that one of his rolls
♪ holds his wallet and his snowmobile keys.
♪ Oh, there's all his tattoos out there to view,
♪ some of them are really groovy,
♪ and it's really neat when he walks down the street...
♪ Red and Harold: ...It's like bein' at a drive-in movie!♪
- In "The Firewood Project":
♪ Trapper Jack was huntin' bear,
♪ A dangerous hobby at best.
♪ They brought him back to the doctor in town,
♪ And he was a heck of a mess.
♪ There was some assembly required,
♪ Mostly teeth and bones and hair.
♪ Jack had always been good with a knife,
♪ But unfortunately, not quite as good as the bear.
- In "Father and Son Banquet":
♪ People thought I was line-dancing when I jumped up and spun on the chair.
♪ So they joined in and did what I did, kicking one foot in the air.
♪ We danced in a line out the front door and down by the cedar grove.
♪ It turned out I wasn't line-dancing at all, I had just stubbed my toe on the stove. ♪
- This one about Old Man Sedgwick from "Fire Brigade":
♪ Red: Shoulda seen Old Man Sedgwick last night,
♪ Dancing in the lodge by the pale moonlight.
♪ He jumped on the table and hopped through the stew,
♪ He leaped on the mantle and yelled twice and through a shoe.
♪ He jigged on the wood stove and burned off his sock,
♪ He danced out the front door and splashed off the dock.
♪ He bounced on the bottom, going way down the lake.
♪ Man, when he gets a charlie horse, it's a dandy! ♪
- The one about being in the bathroom from "The Splinter Lodge":
♪ Red: Oh, you got your book, you hear the knock,
♪ But you don't care, the door is locked.
♪ Let them pound and yell and scream and shout. (Harold bangs a bucket to the beat)
♪ You got what they want, you got what they need,
♪ But you got there first with something to read,
♪ And they'll just have to learn to do without. (drums)
♪ The john is the only place where a man
♪ Can put up his feet and turn on the fan
♪ And read a book and know what it's actually about. (drums)
♪ Oh, but don't let it go to the bitter end,
♪ 'Cause every five minutes, you lose another friend,
♪ And they'll be all be waiting to kill you when you finally come out. ♪
- The one about fat dogs in "The Science Fair":
♪ Red: Oh, if you see a big fat dog waddling down the road,
♪ Don't you be too critical of his extra-wide load.
♪ If you've ever tasted dog food, you gotta tip your hat
♪ To an animal who could actually overeat on a diet of crap like that. ♪
- The one about your nose:
♪ Red: It's so easy to fool your senses, you can't believe what you see,
♪ But your nose knows the inside story, it can't be tricked by the powers that be.
♪ So whenever you make a decision, take a whiff of the air like this, (sniffs)
♪ 'Cause it may walk like a duck and talk like a duck, but if it smells kinda cheesy, it is. ♪
- The one about having a hog as a family pet:
♪ Red: If you find yourself looking for a family pet, I'd say get yourself a hog.
♪ They're smart and friendly and they won't run away, and they're a lot easier to train than a dog. (Harold howls)
♪ And when the time comes when the dog passes on, (Harold whimpers) you'll find your heart is achin'.
♪ But the pain of losing a hog is eased by the bonus of all that bacon. (Harold squeals) ♪
- The one about hunting in the Arctic:
♪ Red: I'm up past the tundra where the polar bears dance,
♪ I got snow in my face and ice in my pants.
♪ I'm fishing the Arctic and I just had to phone ya,
♪ 'Cause I caught something big:
♪ Harold: Double pneumonia! (laughs) ♪
- The one about Duffy's joints:
♪ Red: Oh, Duffy's joints were loose and loud, you'd swear that they were breakin'
♪ He'd twist his knuckles and crack his knees, he sounded like a popcorn maker.
♪ He'd snap his back and ripple his spine, doing it all with a big stupid grin,
♪ Then he slipped and fell 300 feet on a rock, and that was the last crack we heard from him. ♪
- The one about dating ugly guys:
♪ Red: A word to all you young ladies when you're out there looking for a mate:
♪ Find yourself an ugly guy, and that's the one you should date.
♪ 'Cause ugly guys are nicer, ugly guys are smart,
♪ Ugly guys will love you faithfully.
♪ Ugly guys are honest, ugly guys are true,
♪ 'Cause when you got the face like the back end of a bovine, you pretty well have to be. ♪
- The one about Red being a racehorse:
♪ Red: Ohhhhhhhh, I wish I'd been born a racehorse,
♪ Because, I'll tell you, that sounds like a pretty good goal,
♪ With a trainer and a 90-pound jockey,
♪ Who would ride me for a minute or so.
♪ Will I win the daily double,
♪ The trifecta and the exacter?
♪ 'Cause I know what a stud farm is,
♪ And motivation would be a significant factor. ♪
- There's also this one about a whisker on Red's nose (from "Sedgwick the Tenant"):
♪ Red: Oh, I have one whisker on the end of my nose,
♪ And the more I shave it, the more it grows.
♪ I waxed and stretched 'til it was 40 inches long,
♪ And then it was hit by lightning and I was forced to rethink the whole project. ♪
- Here's one from an early episode of the show:
I'm not a malcontent in any way.
♪ I don't believe in dreaming your whole life away.
♪ But if I had one wish for the Good Lord to grant,
♪ I'd wish to take a wet towel to a nudist camp.
♪ Smack, smack, smack!
♪ Oh, sorry, didn't see you there.
♪ Drip, drip, drip!
♪ They don't call it ice water for nothing.
♪ Slap, floop, ah!
♪ You don't have to spend money to have fun. ♪ (spoken, to Harold)
That's a truism, Harold. Harold: (giggling) You said "nudist".
- In one episode, Red and Dalton both wrench their backs and go to a masseuse, who makes them both feel much better. Mike also goes there just because. At the end of the episode, Red and Dalton both discover that the masseuse is really an undercover cop... a MALE undercover cop in drag, no less, they are both Squicked, but Mike seems fine. When he does his sign-off, Red tells his wife that if she is home, which he hopes for once she is not, he'll go home to bathe in boiling bleach, and adds, "And to the rest of you... sorry you watched!" At the lodge meeting, after they say, "I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess," Red quickly adds, "But not that much!"
- In the movie, when everyone rises at the courthouse, Edgar folds his arms over himself and starts to say "Quando omni flunkus moritati" before the others cut him off.
- When Red and Harold return from the local science fair, completely blackened and singed down one side of their bodies.
Red: Whose project exploded?
Harold: You mean the first time?
- In one early episode (Season 3), Red started a volunteer fire brigade. The audience couldn't stop laughing when he entered having just put out the first fire. (It was the fire truck, yet.) Harold becomes amused at Red's misfortune, to which Red promptly blasts Harold with his fire extinguisher. Red then discusses how the fire truck got burned (they kept on painting it to try to match their local fire department until the paint ran off the vehicle and came in contact with a barbecue). In closing:
Red: Now the truck is not red or yellow anymore, it's just more of a basic black. Now the question is, what can you do with a useless, burned-out wreck?
Harold: Well, you could make it host of its own show!
- During the lodge luau:
Red: Shouldn't you be out there surfing?
Harold: I'm not leaving till that fire is out!
Red: What do you care, you're on Possum Lake.
Harold: That's what's on fire!
- And then there is the Handyman Corner segment from one Season 3 episode in which Red creates, as only he can, some anniversary gifts for his wife, including a lady shaver and a hair dryer, both of which he experiments on Harold. The lady shaver part is particularly priceless: Red sticks a strip of duct tape on Harold's leg and then snaps it off. After an obviously-pained Harold tells Red that it didn't hurt, he leaves, after which he just screaming in pain.
- Red tries to make a movie about himself and holds auditions. After going through several people auditioning for the parts of Red and Harold, he gets to Edgar Montrose...who auditions to play Bernice. Red immediately shouts "Next!"
- In one segment, Hap laments the fact that there's so much crap on TV today, that it almost makes him sorry he invented it. Red butts in, "Invented what, Hap? Crap?"
- A quick one from Buzz Sherwood, parodying Forrest Gump:
My mama always said, "Buzz, life is like a box of chocolates. SO PIG OUT!!
" (Buzz laughs maniacally as he stuffs his mouth full of chocolates and then shows it off to the camera)
- The quickest lodge meeting ever at the end of "The Drive-Thru" after the gang has found out they've been making burgers out of aphrodisiacs for bulls.
Red: I'm thinking Harold is in for a rough night. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I mean straight home!
- In "The Beef Project", a local farmer died. In a scene after Red came back after the reading of the will, Red says the lodge inherited a manure pile.
Red: So we do not come out of it empty handed. We are now the heirs of manure.
Harold: Have you ever smelled the air of manure?
- Later, after it is learned that Junior inherited a cow that they plan to butcher and eat, Red announces that they are bringing the cow over to the lodge to get the job done:
Red: Stinky's bringing the cow over in the back seat of his 1969 Cadillac. He's got twice as much legroom there, which is good, 'cause the cow's got twice as much leg.
Harold: (shocked and disgusted) Stinky's putting a farm animal in the back of his Cadillac!? What about the smell?
Red: The cow didn't seem to mind.
- The Adventure segment where Bill, Harold, and Walter go to what they think is a nude beach. It's even funnier if you just listen to Red's narration.
- Beginning of the episode "Snowed In", Red demonstrates how to cheat your way through a physical exam by using helium to reduce your weight by inflating a pool floaty in your clothes. However, his plan backfires when the floaty explodes the moment he gets in the van. Red then exclaims "Oh the humanity!" in a helium voice.
- In one of his stand-up specials, Red names this as his favourite poem that they did on the show:
- During the Red Green New Year's special, Red uses toaster elements to make a light-up New Year's Eve message. It reads, "TOAST YOURSELF AT NEW YEARS EVE". Unfortunately, most of the toaster elements burn out, and the few remaining lit elements now read, "YOU F AT ARS E".
- In the Adventures With Bill segment of "The Badger Project", Bill tries to trap a snake, only for it to get in his pants. Red then takes a bat and tries to take a whack at Bill's pants. During this time, Red as narrator says, "Here's something I've always wanted to do! Go for it, Red!"
- Any of Hap's tall tales. Pick one.
- In "Guinness World Records", Winston tries to break the record for most coffee drank. Of course, this makes him wiry and a Motor Mouth. This culminates at the Possum Lodge meeting, where he says the "Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati" and men's prayer much faster than everybody else.
Red: (to Winston) Boy, I hope your girlfriend's out of town.
- In "Step Outside", Red's repeated advice to Harold, who's being bullied: "Just nail him."
- In "Free Apricots", Red is queasy from eating so many bad apricots, and Harold just makes it worse by listing all the things one can do at an apricot festival. Red gets more and more sickly while Harold talks, leading to this:
Red: (softly) Don't say the word "apricot".
Harold: Am I pronouncing it wrong? Apricot. Apricot.
(Red groans and runs outside to throw up)
- "Too Much Information": Dalton becomes obsessed with the new computer in the lodge, while Red is less enthused:
Dalton: Y'know, Red, there's way more to computers than this, though. C'mon over here, Red, and I'll show you how the Internet works!
Red: Oh, I know, www.sitonyourbuttfortwelvehoursaday.com!
- In "Step Outside", Edgar fondly recalls a time when he was called on to blow up a flour mill in Port Asbestos:
Edgar: To flatten that flour mill and not even scratch the gas station right next door...
Red: Gas station? No, next to the flour mill, you have the old railway shed there, then there's the bowling alley, then you've got the fountain, and then there's the gas station. It's not next door to the flour mill.
Edgar: It is now.
- At the end of "Hurricane Doug", a huge storm hits the Possum Lodge area, prompting Dalton and Mike to bolt downstairs. Red soon follows, after delivering an abridged version of his sign-off catchphrase:
Red: (quickly and nervously) If my wife is watching, see ya later! Keep your stick on the ice! (runs)
- Then, at the meeting downstairs, after they say their usual Man's Prayer, there is a crash of thunder outside and the room is plunged into darkness, prompting Red to cry out, "I SAID I'LL CHANGE!!!"
- The "Red's Sage Advice" from "The Battle Call" (about a woman asking, "Do I look old?") has a great line:
Red: She knows she looks old, and she knows you know she looks old. What she's concerned about is that you're gonna be unhappy because she looks old. So when she asks, "Do I look old?", give her an answer that puts her mind at ease, say, "You look perfect to me, honey," or "Not through these eyes," rather than "Don't worry about it, I never look at you."
- At the beginning "No Duct Tape", after rummaging through a locker full of empty rolls of duct tape, Red freaks out:
Red: ...We're out of duct tape, Dalton!
Dalton: Try and stay calm, Red.
Red: STAY CALM?!? WE'RE OUT OF DUCT TAPE, DALTON!!
Dalton: They're on back order. They won't have duct tape for two weeks.
Red: (holding up two shaking fingers) Two weeks? Without duct tape??
Dalton: Red, try and hold it together. Hold it together.
Red: (screaming) HOLD IT TOGETHER WITH WHAT?!?!?
- Due to the duct tape shortage, Red and co. are reduced to re-using old duct tape on new projects. It doesn't work so well, as Red demonstrates when Dalton lays a piece on a canoe. Red simply blows it off.
- Mike comes in, claiming to have a roll of duct tape, and Red is ecstatic. But then he inspects it closer:
: Wait a minute. Hold it. This isn't duct tape; it's masking
tape painted gray! It's not the same thing, Mike! It's not the same thing. Aw, Mike, sorry I snapped at ya there.
I haven't had duct tape in over three hours!
- In the "Handyman Corner" in "The Fishing Derby", Red demonstrates how to make a cup of coffee using your lawnmower. The queasy look on his face when he samples it is priceless. Moments before, he says, "Another advantage with using a lawnmower as a coffee maker is, you can say to your guests, 'Who wants mower coffee?'"
- In the "Experts" segment on "Possum Lodge Provincial Park":
Harold: "Dear experts: Now that I'm older, I've noticed that certain parts of my body don't function as well as they used to."
Red: (disgusted) Oh for...
(Dalton covers his ears)
- The ending of "Snowed In", where, due to the snowstorm, the only ones at the Possum Lodge meeting are Red, Harold, Dalton, and Mike.
- In "Dalton's Hot Gift", Mike gets a great deal on a barbecue and asks the Lodge members to chip in and buy it as a birthday present for Dalton. Meanwhile, Dalton complains that an identical barbecue was stolen from his store and declares that whoever took it is going to pay big time. Naturally, Red jumps to the logical conclusion that Mike stole it and refuses to believe him when Mike insists that he didn't. Red ends up painting the barbecue a hideous shade of yellow trying to disguise it. At the end, they give the barbecue to Dalton, but he says he doesn't need it, because it turns out that Anne-Marie had taken the other barbecue from his store and gave it to him as a birthday present. In response, Mike gives Red a Death Glare that lasts well into the lodge meeting.
Red: (seeing Mike still glowering at him at the meeting) I'm sorry, okay??
- In "Possum Air", the lodge has set up an airline service, with Harold as the pilot and Dalton (acting as a boarding clerk) being rude and surly, "just like a real airport". In the same scene, the passengers being called by numbers, starting with "1"... and Red is "2". And then Harold comes in and does a hilarious nervous chuckle before informing Dalton that there would be yet another delay.
Red: Come on, Harold! If I had taken the Possum Van, I'd be halfway there by now, if it started.
- The "Adventures With Bill" where Bill and Harold go ice fishing. To do this, they drill a hole using a power auger, which sadly has a bad habit of binding and spinning them around.
Red: Boys, she's bindin'! She's bindin'! She'll spin ya!
- In "The Experts" segment of "The Driving Lesson", Dalton starts out by providing the secret to dieting: to vary your kinds of meat. But then, he rambles on about him eating as many as 17 different kinds of meat in a week. It turns out that he and his family eat roadkill. He and Red have a field day with this, such as serving meals on a hubcap or painting a white line down the center of the table. Harold finally cuts in:
Harold: I hope you two clowns just remember, you are what you eat.
Red: Yeah, that's true, Harold. Tell us some more about your vegetables.
- In the opening for "Red's Hot Sauce", Red mixes up his own Blazing Inferno Hellfire Sauce for a lodge barbecue. It consists mostly of ketchup, with some various hot peppers thrown in and some other ingredients, including the "secret ingredient", which was some blue goop in an unlabelled container (later found out to be jet fuel). To demonstrate how hot it is, Dalton tastes a little bit on a toothpick and nearly doubles over in pain from the heat. Then Harold tastes a big spoonful — and is reduced to shrieking his head off with his tongue hanging out as he runs around looking for a source of water to put the fire in his mouth out.
- In one of his Sage Advice columns, Red compares life to finding a half-decent parking spot, what he calls the Seven Stages of Parking:
- You're a kid, and all you have to park is your butt.
- You're a teenager, and you're out parking with a girl who has a good chance of being your future wife.
- You're married with kids, and you're out parking at a McDonald's with a play area.
- The kids have grown, and they're working, coincidentally, at McDonald's. Meanwhile, you went out and bought a sports car, and you're caught parking with a girl who has no chance of being your future wife.
- You're now parking in the garage, where you're also living.
- You're old; no license, no car, no parking spot.
- You're parked — permanently. You have your own parking spot. It even has your name on it.
- The lesson, Red concludes, is that life is short, "so grab your shifter, move it out of park, and throw it into gear."
- Some of the season-themed poems that Red does are pretty funny. One is themed to the summer, from the very early period of the show:
It is summer.
In the shade of an apple tree,
You relax with a mint julep or nine.
Summer is no time for stress.
You casually forget your aunt's birthday.
She thanks you.
- Some of the best season-themed poems are those from the winter. One example:
It is winter.
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh,
Just like your grandparents used to do,
Only it's costing you a hundred bucks an hour.
It is winter.
When I was young, we never had fights in hockey.
But we also never had helmets,
Or protective pads,
Or shields on our skate blades,
Or smoothed ice.
We used broken splintered sticks and a brick for a puck.
And big hard rocks for the posts.
But we never had fights.
We didn't need fights.
It is winter.
The frozen rain turns the giant willow tree
Into a glimmer, shimmering chandelier.
A million diamonds dance in its branches,
Or so it seems as I look up through it.
And to think I didn't even notice this beauty
Until I slipped and fell flat on my back.
This is my lucky day.
- Another of Red's poems, which he calls "Figure Skating":
We're skating on the pond
And Moose Thompson does a triple axel,
Followed by a quadruple Lutz
And a triple toe loop.
That's what happens when you're on a breakaway
And you catch your toe on a frozen weasel.
- In one episode, the Lodge gets the contract to provide emergency vehicle services for the whole town. Red tells Harold that they plan to use Stinky Peterson's K-Car for a snowplow.
Harold: A K-Car isn't strong enough to be a snowplow.
Red: No, we're going to use the K-Car as the blade.
- One episode has Mike trying to hide from someone he pissed off in prison who had just gotten released. He tries disguising himself as Red, but the guy sees through the disguise. Then he runs into the real Red, thinking he's Mike. Red hastily scrambles for his drivers license to prove his identity but can't find his wallet. The guy accepts this as proof that he isn't Mike.
- In one episode, Harold substitutes for Red on his Sage Advice column to advise older men on telling long, boring stories.
Harold: (in closing) Remember, you're on your own. Don't push it.