History Funny / RedDwarf

24th Nov '16 3:36:21 PM Scorntex
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to:

* Kryten rails against Rimmer joining a holoship:
-->'''Kryten:''' Sir, if you join that ship you will be ''forced'' to have sex with beautiful, brilliant women, on demand. Now, am I the only one who finds that - finds that just a ''little bit tacky''?
-->''(We see Lister and the Cat are now completely frozen in contemplation)''



--->'''Rimmer:''' Well, first off -\\
'''Inquisitor:''' Liar!

to:

--->'''Rimmer:''' Well, first off first, I -\\
'''Inquisitor:''' Liar!Liar!\\
'''Rimmer:''' I've done good things.\\
'''Inquisitor:''' No, you haven't.\\
'''Rimmer:''' In my heart, I've always tried to do good things.\\
'''Inquisitor:''' No, you didn't.\\
'''Rimmer:''' Look, in my way, I've tried to lead a good life.\\
'''Inquisitor:''' When?\\
'''Rimmer:''' ... ''(points to the corner)'' Ah, what's that in the corner? It's the archangel Gabriel! Well, that's me converted, I'm a new man.\\
'''Inquisitor:''' You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted green discharge of a man, aren't you?



-->'''Woman:''' The master insists on it.\\
'''Woman 2:''' He says an oiled body is more conducive to electricity.\\
'''Rimmer:''' Ah.

to:

-->'''Woman:''' The master insists on it.prefers his victims to be oiled. An oiled body is so much better for conducting electricity.\\
'''Woman 2:''' He says an oiled body is more conducive to electricity.\\
'''Rimmer:''' Ah.
Not the best news, but it could've been worse.
24th Nov '16 2:26:10 PM Scorntex
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to:

* Faced with an unknown signature, the Cat makes a suggestion:
-->'''The Cat:''' Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?
-->'''Kryten:''' A ''superlative'' suggestion, sir, with only ''two'' minor drawbacks: 1) We don't have defensive shields, 2) We ''don't have'' defensive shields. Now, I realise that is the same suggestion, but it was such a big one I thought it worth mentioning twice.
20th Nov '16 3:39:28 PM Scorntex
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-->'''Kryten''': The only real downer is that, as my owner, you will have to die with me.

to:

-->'''Kryten''': The only real downer really terrible thing is that, as my adopted owner, you will have to die with me.


Added DiffLines:

* Kryten explains to Lister that, having been informed he's obsolete, the next morning he'll shut down entirely.
-->'''Lister:''' Then what?
-->'''Kryten:''' I don't know. Maybe I'll get a career as a disk jockey.
19th Nov '16 12:58:47 PM Scorntex
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to:

* On meeting the last simulant left onboard the derelict, the Cat takes the time to stress that he is [[BlatantLies wearing a completely different outfit from last time]]. Kryten then takes him aside.
-->'''Kryten:''' That was an important point, sir, and it needed to be said, but from now on may I suggest that all conversation is handled by those with brains ''larger'' than that of a grape?
17th Nov '16 4:54:24 PM Scorntex
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** Taken UpToEleven with an old ''Red Dwarf'' roleplaying game, which reveals in one alternate universe, the Vindaloovian Empire actually ''exists'', and they all match their, uh, "depiction" here.



* Lister and Rimmer spiking the guard's drinks halfway through a rigged basketball game.
** "''Seven '''HOURS!'''''"



* Lister trying to contact Bob the Skutter for help, via tapping out a message on the old pipes. A long back and forth ensues, then...
-->'''Lister:''' Damn!
-->'''Rimmer:''' What, can't he help us?
-->'''Lister:''' Naw, wrong number. Got the Chinese laundry.
* Lister and Rimmer trying to get out of two weeks spud duty with a virus designed to take the skins off. It works... and then starts on Rimmer's clothing, followed by his hair. Then it goes for Lister. Cut to a butt-naked and completely hairless Lister and Rimmer being marched to the captain's office.



-->'''Cat:''' There's an old Cat saying which I feel has particular relevance: "We are all gonna die."

to:

-->'''Cat:''' There's an old Cat saying which I feel has particular relevance: relevance. It goes like this: "We are all gonna die."


Added DiffLines:

* Kochanski asks Kryten if he can figure out when the T-Rex will expel the Time Wand:
-->'''Kryten:''' Sorry, Miss Kochanski, but for some reason when my creators were making me, T-rex bowel movement time-tables just didn't come up. Imbeciles!
17th Nov '16 3:27:14 PM Scorntex
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-->'''Rimmer:''' Yes, sir! A man, sir! ''(to himself)'' A man?

to:

-->'''Rimmer:''' Yes, sir! A man, sir! man! ''(to himself)'' A man?man? If you just remind me, I'm sure it will all come back.




to:

* Rimmer bemoans his fate:
-->'''Rimmer:''' A career, fortune, friends. I had everything and I threw it all away.
-->'''Lister:''' Rimmer, you had none of them.
-->'''Rimmer:''' You're right. I had nothing and I threw it all away.
17th Nov '16 4:42:17 AM Scorntex
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-->'''Rimmer:''' This is Arnold J. Rimmer, Commander of the Jupiter Mining Core ship ''Star Bug''. Now here this, 'cuz it's only coming once: We surrender totally and without condition. Additional: Sorry for taking up your valuable time. Sorry, thank you, sorry, bye.

to:

-->'''Rimmer:''' This is Arnold J. Rimmer, Commander of the Jupiter Mining Core transport ship ''Star Bug''. Now here this, 'cuz it's only coming once: We surrender totally and without condition. Additional: Sorry for taking up your valuable time. Sorry, thank you, sorry, bye.




to:

* The beginning of the episode has Rimmer and Kryten going over the dire food situation:
-->'''Kryten:''' We've no wheat, no grain, and hardly any pulse. Making things worse, Space Weevils have eaten the last of the corn supply.
-->'''Rimmer:''' So what's that under the grill?
-->'''Kryten:''' Space weevil.
** How Kryten manages to trick Lister into eating the space weevil:
-->'''Lister:''' Kryten, what's this?
-->'''Kryten:''' I'm sorry, sir.
-->'''Lister:''' ''(picks up an artistically styled slice of carrot)'' Fresh carrot? Kryten, you ''know'' how I feel about fresh ''vegetables''. They're for health psychos! Vitamin freaks! People who ''exercise''!
-->''(Lister then begins eating the space weevil without hesitation)''



* "Five Hannukah? We only have forty-eight hours!"

to:

* "Five Hannukah? We That only have forty-eight gives us twenty-eight hours!"
* Rimmer quotes another Space Corp Directive, but there's a problem:
-->'''Kryten:''' But sir, surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi!
-->'''Rimmer:''' Forget it, forget I was ever born!
-->'''Kryten:''' Sir, I am only too happy to perform the ritual, but I fail to see how sacrificing poultry will clear up the screen problem.
10th Nov '16 1:45:50 PM LorienTheYounger
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-->'''Lister:''' I ''never'' want to see or hear from that lying, scum-sucking weasel in my entire life!

to:

-->'''Lister:''' I ''never'' want to see or hear from that scum-sucking, lying, scum-sucking weasel weasel-minded smegger in my entire life!



-->'''Kryten:''' Is there any confusion as to the supper situation? No? Excellent!

to:

-->'''Kryten:''' Perhaps I didn't make myself clear! I said '''[[PreMortemOneLiner supper is ready!]]'''
-->''(BOOM)''
-->'''Kryten:''' Is there any confusion anyone still unclear as to the supper situation? No? Excellent!
9th Nov '16 2:43:28 PM Scorntex
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to:

* In order to contain a Low-controlled Lister, the crew try to think of a way to incapacitate him. Rimmer suggests an axe:
-->'''Lister:''' But that'll kill me!
-->'''Rimmer:''' Not if [Kryten] does it gently!
** The Cat eventually takes matters into his own, er, hands.
-->'''Lister:''' Just incapacitate me painlessly.
-->''(There's an ''incredibly'' loud "crunch" as Cat [[GroinAttack kicks Lister down there]])''
-->'''Lister:''' That was not painless.
-->'''The Cat:''' Yeah? Look what you did to [his collar]. This stuff never springs back!


Added DiffLines:

* "Why would a haddock kill itself? ... Why am I even asking that question?"
* Lister assesses Starbug's chance of defending themselves against the Squid:
-->'''Lister:''' [The venom] penetrated the hull of a Class-C Seeding ship. In comparison we're a sardine tin.
** Working out the squid's likely motivation:
-->'''Lister:''' It's either gonna kill us, hump us or eat us. Now either we convince it we're ''not'' that kind of oceanic salvage ship or scarper pronto.
8th Nov '16 7:06:59 AM Scorntex
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to:

* Holly messing with Rimmer's hair after he insults him, for not fixing his hair.
-->'''Rimmer:''' You are how you look, Lister, and I look - ''(he sees himself in the mirror)'' Like a complete and total TIT!
** And at the end of the episode, Rimmer insults Holly ''again''. Cue Rimmer with a Beatles haircut.




to:

* Lister's Queeg enforced rations: A piece of bread and a single, solitary pea. Which Lister [[EpicFail manages to lose]].
-->'''Lister:''' I've lost me pea!
** He then launches into a tirade about how it's ''his'' pea, and he doesn't care where it's gone. Right up until he realises it's gone into his sock basket.



** Worth noting, "Better Than Life" says the Bible is fictional, so Kryten's got a point.



* Kryten responds to the news solemnly:
-->'''Kryten''': The only real downer is that, as my owner, you will have to die with me.
-->'''Lister:''' What?
-->'''Kryten:''' [[{{Troll}} Mechanoid humour]], sir.




to:

* Kochanski objects to the men's method of keeping house. Just not for the reason you'd think.
-->'''Kochanski:''' Look at this! Women would never have fridges like this! ''(she reaches into the fridge and removes something: a pair of shoes.)'' Chilled trainers! It just wouldn't happen!




to:

* After finding the nanites, they do restore Lister's arm... then they go too far. [[spoiler:When the others come in to see Lister, the nanites have made his body super, super buff.]]
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