Characters / Family Guy The Neighbors

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    Glenn Quagmire

An extreme sex-addicted, perverted neighbor and formerly U.S. Navy ensign that flirts with every hot woman (even teens) in rather disturbing ways. Voiced by Seth MacFarlane.

  • Ace Pilot: Can fly anything. From as old Japanese Zero, a Cessna and a passenger jet.
  • Acquainted with Emergency Services: In Season 3 "Lethal Weapons", while a naked Quagmire watches Lois chase away the New Yorkers on her lawn from his window, his window slams down shut on his penis. Unable to get the window up, Quagmire calls 911:
    Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah... Yeah, yeah, it's in a window this time.
  • Acquired Poison Immunity:
    • He's been maced/pepper sprayed so many times he's developed an immunity.
    • A Halloween Episode also revealed that he has already contracted, and subsequently become immune to, every known venereal disease. It takes Peter finding one that hasn't been discovered yet in order to finally infect him.
    • He's performed auto-erotic axphyxiation on himself so much that he can recover from being strangled in only a few seconds.
  • Action Survivor: He's skinny and doesn't have the fighting abilities of Peter or Joe but it's practically impossible to find a punishment he's not used to and he'd do anything to protect the people he cares about or punish the ones he hates.
  • Affably Evil: Make no mistake, Glenn can be a pretty nice guy but the fact that he's able to have a (mostly) stable personality around so many people, even as he commits rape makes him even more disturbing. Not to mention how in the past he casually hinted he wanted to rape Lois.
  • Antagonist in Mourning: Subverted. He attends Brian's funeral, but is shown watching a baseball game on his cellphone out of boredom.
  • Anything That Moves: Well, anything female. He's even hit on Meg with the line "Hey Meg, 18 yet?"
    • Lampshaded by himself when he was about to have sex with the corpse of a hooker Stewie sniped only to stop and ask himself if he actually was mentally ill.
    • In "Jerome is the New Black," Quagmire reveals that his sex addiction was the result of his true love — Cheryl Tiegs — breaking up with him. See Cerebus Retcon below.
    • Early in the series, however, he is opposed to having sex with pre-operational transgender people.
    Quagmire: Whoa, transvestite! Back off! Wait, pre-op or post-op?
    Transvestite: Pre-op.
    Quagmire: Whoa, transvestite! Back off!
    • In "Family Gay" he does take Peter up on his offer of sex but only if they do it "his way."
  • At Least I Admit It: Quagmire could be seen as a Deconstruction of this trope. He believes himself better than Brian because he admits to his vices but not only does he commit worse offenses than Brian has he also lacks any of the emotional baggage that affects Brian, often doing such things out of sheer callousness. Rather than giving himself a moral high ground through his honesty about his actions, he comes across as above judgement because of it. To add to it, he truthfully doesn't as he is later revealed to blame all his shortcomings on his mother, something Brian is quite willing to throw back at him.
  • Became Their Own Antithesis: The more critical he became of Brian and others for being delusional and fraudulent of their vices, the more pretentious, judgemental and self righteous he himself became, compared to the sleazy but jovially self aware person he was before.
  • Been There, Shaped History: He reveals to Peter and Joe in "Halloween on Spooner Street" that he was Patient Zero for gonorrhea.
  • Berserk Button: In most post-cancellation seasons, Brian's existence is this to him.
  • Bestiality Is Depraved:
    • Possibly, due to this line spoken while discussing jury duty:
    Quagmire: Yeah, that's what separates us from the monkeys. That and the armed guards at the zoo. Man, they got some sexy monkeys down there.
    • He's done it with a giraffe, too.
      • And a turtle.
  • Beware the Silly Ones: He has an incredibly vicious side to his normally hyperactive personality, as Brian and Jeff learned this the very hard way. Jeff at the very least actually deserved it!
  • Big Brother Instinct: In, "Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q", he did not take his sister's abuse from her boyfriend Jeff very well.
  • Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: He acts very friendly and funny, but in reality he's a dangerous rapist.
  • Black Comedy Rape: "Roofie Coladas" are apparently a staple drink he buys women.
  • Bunny-Ears Lawyer: He's a pretty competent pilot, and he does take his job seriously. Though usually pretty carefree, seeing someone being irresponsible around an airplane is one of the few things that can instantly piss him off (as Peter finds out the hard way).
  • Car Fu: He rammed his sister's abusive boyfriend into a tree.
  • The Casanova: Does it really need to be said?
  • Catch-Phrase:
    • "Giggity-giggity-giggity-goo!"
    • "OH!"
    • "Heh-heh...aaaall riiiight."
  • Cerebus Retcon: Season 8's "Jerome is the New Black" revealed the reason why Quagmire is a sex maniac: His jealousy and possessiveness drove away the one woman he truly loved — Cheryl Tiegs — and now he aimlessly has sex to fill the void she left behind. It's actually not all that surprising when you look back on three previous episodes: "Emission Impossible" (Quagmire has a Cheryl Tiegs poster on the door of his refrigerator), "Barely Legal" (Quagmire gives Meg his favorite book, "The Missing Piece" by Shel Silverstein, stating that he reads it whenever he feels like he's missing that one piece in his life that made him whole) and "Perfect Castaway" (where he mentions that if he was blind, "every woman he did would be Cheryl Tiegs").
  • Chivalrous Pervert: Averted. More of a dangerous pervert due to his questionable methods of seducing women (though he refuses to have sex with Meg until she turns 18, and immediately went flaccid when he tried to have sex with Lois while Peter had amnesia and ironically was becoming more like Quagmire as a result, and Lois said she trusted Quagmire as seen on "Big Man on Hippocampus"). It's been toned down though, as the show staff have opted to make him more of a Jerk with a Heart of Gold.
  • Corrupt the Cutie: Okay, he was pretty damn corrupt to begin with, though was notably the most laid back and happy-go-lucky of Peter and his friends. His role as a Self-Deprecation avatar however has gradually evolved him into a much more cynical character (he has gained an outright Hair-Trigger Temper around Brian).
  • Create Your Own Villain: After several disproportionate tirades (and at least one brutal beatdown) against him, Brian gained a mutual contempt for Quagmire and has actively made his life difficult on several occasions over their spats.
  • Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: He is a decent pilot, can do some impressive feats but he is also a depraved rapist with the same flaw as Joe and Peter.
  • Deadpan Snarker: He eventually starts acting like this on occasion, especially when provoked by Peter's antics.
  • Depending on the Writer:
    • The writers can't seem to make up their minds on whether Quagmire is a Lovable Sex Maniac with a heart of gold or a near-rapist.
    • In later seasons he totters in and out between being the fairly jovial, wacky but still depraved being he was before, or a something of a priggish curmudgeon who nit picks all the stupid antics of the cast (while still being as depraved a being as he was before).
    • His rivalry with Brian fades in and out since it's introduction. In some cases he can at least passively socialise with Brian, in others they can't remotely interact without Quagmire expressing his utter disdain for him. How mutually Brian hates Quagmire also varies, sometimes he will (if somewhat unctuously) try to make peace with Quagmire, in others he spats with him with equally vicious contempt.
  • Dirty Old Man: Considering that he's really 61, he can be easily depicted as this.
  • Disco Dan: The interior of his house has the look of the 60's or 70's.
  • Disproportionate Retribution: Beats Brian to near death for unknowingly sleeping with his now-transgender dad, and shoots Peter in the head after the latter accidentally shoots his arm, destroying part of his brain. Whether or not Quagmire meant to shoot Peter in the arm, his lack of shock speaks volumes.
  • Dude, She's Like, in a Coma!: Quagmire apparently doesn't need his women to be conscious or even alive in order to get off; more than one scene in different episodes show Glenn dragging away the scantily-clad/naked body of a woman who's unconscious or dead, although we never actually see what he does after the fact.
  • Easily Forgiven: Both Peter and Cleveland are still friends with Quagmire despite the sexual affairs he has had with their wives. Not to mention the stuff he's dished out on Brian. Who knows if Quagmire's been arrested by Joe for any of his actions?
  • Embarrassing Last Name: In "Tiegs for Two", he is revealed to be half-Polish and that his last name is really Quagglechek.
  • Everyone Has Standards:
    • He won't take advantage of Meg when she is extremely vulnerable.
    • Peter's boss Angela is apparently so hideous that even he wouldn't do her.
    • He's an unrepentant pervert, but is rather uncomfortable with trying to sleep with his friends' wives. He immediately regretted sleeping with Cleveland's now ex-wife, and when trying to seduce Lois, he immediately went flaccid when she had trust in him.
    • Sonja soon proved to be to too perverted for him, being squicked out when she told him to sleep with his transgendered father. It got worse.
    • Granted, this was well before he turned into a rapist, but he was disgusted that Carter had had an affair in violation of his wedding vow to a wife of 50 years.
  • Extreme Omnisexual: Peter outright said in "Meg and Quagmire" that Quagmire will "bang anything." Cue a Cutaway Gag of Quagmire in Peter's fridge, having sex with a meatloaf.
  • Flanderization: Ever since Season 9 or so, he's been reduced to a selfish, non-empathetic, annoying sex maniac who despises Brian over petty reasons.
  • Formerly Fat: According to Brian at least.
  • Four-Temperament Ensemble: The Sanguine.
  • Friend to All Children: One of his redeeming traits is that he's a good uncle to his terminally ill niece and seems to have a soft spot for young people in general besides this, even Meg. He's shown to be really good with the Griffin children, who's father is one of his closest friends, very regularly helping them out and giving them advice.
  • Gratuitous Japanese: In the Halloween episode, when he tricked Peter and Joe into thinking he was possessed by his kamikaze pilot ancestors.
  • Grumpy Bear: In later seasons, his inflated pedestal and lower patience for Peter and the others' antics often make him rather irritable.
  • Hairstyle Malfunction: Revealed to wear a toupee in "Old Man and the Big 'C'," but it gets fixed by him getting a hair transplant.
  • Hair-Trigger Temper: Seems to have developed this around Brian, who constantly manages to inadvertently offend or infuriate him immensely, often leading to a rather vicious verbal (and sometimes physical) beatdown by Quagmire. Downplayed in their later feuds, he still viciously abhors Brian, but usually because he angers him on purpose.
  • The Hedonist
  • He Who Fights Monsters: His established hatred for Brian has led to Quagmire developing increased aggressive and occasionally outright violent tendencies over petty (and often inadvertant) offenses from the latter, as well as a similar bouts of snobbish preachiness as his nemesis, who probably came to hate him back for it.
  • Hey, That's My Line!: In "Quagmire's Quagmire", Glenn thought that his new super-kinky girlfriend Sonja was perfect, until she went too far even for him:
    Quagmire: [while Sonja beats him with a rod after throwing him in the trunk of his car] Ow! You're hurting me, and I really need to clean out my trunk!
    Sonja: Oh, I'm gonna clean out your trunk. Giggity.
    Quagmire: That's my word... that's my word! [Sonja slams the trunk shut]
  • Hypocrite:
    • Calls Brian out for hitting on Lois, when he has done the same to an equal if not higher degree and goes beyond that by being shown to harbor some of her hair and has digged through the Griffin's garbage for her toenail clippings.
    • He uses the line "How's that son of yours you never see?" in referencing Brian's failure as a father. Quagmire himself encountered several children that resembled him in "Tales of a Third Grade Nothing" and promptly ran away. He also gave his daughter up for adoption in the episode right before "Jerome is the New Black" while Dylan himself chose to leave Brian in order to take care of his mother. Brian would also go on to see Dylan again in "Brian's a Bad Father", while Quagmire has never returned to any of his off-spring.
    • In "Quagmire's Mom" he is revealed to blame all his personal issues and flaws on his mother's upbringing of him. Brian, who he claimed to be superior to for admitting his flaws, calls him out on refusing responsibility for his crimes. Quagmire's retaliation is that an Atheist shouldn't support a Christian like his mother, another ethic he called Brian out on.
    • In "The Heartbreak Dog", he's one of several characters that chews Brian out for having an affair with Bonnie. His presence at the intervention feels completely unfair since Quagmire has not only previously caused an affair of his own between Cleveland and his first wife Loretta, but he's also tricked Joe into letting him have sex with Bonnie.
    • To provide an example that doesn't have anything to do with his petty hatred for Brian, in "Peter-assment" he tells Peter that if he doesn't have sex with his (female) boss, he's gay. When Peter tries to have Quagmire have sex with her for him later, he says no, simply because she is "ugly". By his own logic, he must be gay, but this is never brought up. Likewise, he calls Peter out at the end for (supposedly) having an affair, when again, he said not doing it makes him gay.
    • A deleted scene from "And I'm Joyce Kinney" has him disgusted over the fact that he lives next door to Lois when her past of being a former porn star is revealed. Yep, Glen Quagmire (a registered sex offender) can't stand that he lives next door to a former porn star (and one that he'd been lusting after beforehand no less).
    • In "The Giggity Wife", he gets into a drunken Accidental Marriage with an older, washed-up Streetwalker named Charmise. Similar to the aforementioned "And I'm Joyce Kinney" example, he's disgusted with her for her sexual past, yet he has slept with thousands of girls and women, and continued to do so after that marriage ended.
  • Hypocrite Has a Point: Quagmire calls out Brian for, among other things, dating only bimbos, lusting after the married Lois, and not looking after his kid. Although Quagmire himself has these flaws too and is aware of it, Brian doesn't have a single retort to "The Reason You Suck" Speech that he has just received.
  • Implausible Deniability: In the episode "Tea Peter," he married a giraffe and had a Half-Human Hybrid child with it. Despite the fact that the newborn giraffe had his face and even said a variation of his Catch-Phrase ("Giraffity!"), Quagmire promptly denied the child was his.
  • Incredibly Lame Pun: Often yells out an livid "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" whenever Brian tries to push his buttons.
  • The Jailbait Wait: While Quagmire has had sex with underage girls as young as twelve, he's apparently willing to wait for Meg. More than almost anyone else on the show, he also seems to genuinely care for her, much more so than her own family, everyone else in Quahog, and the universe at large.
  • Jerkass: Most of the time he's a heartless sex hound who will do anything to take advantage of almost any woman and he's abandoned who knows how many kids. Also sometimes his own hatred for Brian crosses over into Disproportionate Retribution, like when he beat up Brian for sleeping with his transgender father (something which Brian was completely unaware of).
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: He grew attached to his illegitimate daughter, and, during his infamous rant against Brian, revealed that he works at a soup kitchen to help the homeless. He also gave said daughter up when he realized she would be happy, and he expressed disapproval when Peter pretended to be crippled (in the 'Star Wars'' special).
    • He's also shown to care about the Griffin kids, giving them advice and helping them out, even if it is to do bad things. Even when he was trying to sleep with Meg, he actually was willing to go at her own pace rather than just drug her as he would done with any other woman.
  • Karma Houdini: It's Played for Laughs more often than not but by any definition he's a serial rapist and prolific sex offender, amongst other moral and criminal offences. He is guilty of faking love just to get women to sleep with him, has several children across the world that he doesn't care to know about (running away from one that might have been his), brutally assaulted or was otherwise horrible to Brian for various petty reasons, kept women prisoner in his own home, is guilty of necrophilia...basically, by all rights he should be in a maximum security prison for life.
  • Keet: Quagmire is always upbeat and energetic. Somewhat downplayed in later seasons, especially around Brian.
  • Kindhearted Cat Lover: One of his most consistent character traits (aside from the sex) is that he loves cats. He's had at least two (one of whom was killed by Peter in a prank gone wrong), and couldn't resist turning a transcontinental flight to Alaska back to Rhode Island just because he heard that a neighbourhood cat was about to give birth.
  • Knight Templar Big Brother: Murdered his sister's abusive boyfriend.
  • Ladykiller in Love: With Joan and Cheryl Tiegs.
  • Last-Name Basis: The only one who actually calls him "Glenn" is Lois.
  • Leitmotif: Has his own theme song
    He's Quagmire, Quagmire
    You never really know what he's gonna do next
    He's Quagmire, Quagmire
    "Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-Let's have sex!"
  • Lovable Sex Maniac: When he's not being the Kavorka Man
  • Morality Pet: Meg seems to be the only one to bring out his somewhat noble aspects. There's also his sister Brenda.
  • Moral Myopia: In recent seasons he's gained a far more prudish and sometimes outright preachy and self righteous attitude towards the immoral antics of others around him, especially Peter and Brian. He's still a gleeful pervert and rapist though.
  • Never My Fault: Quagmire tries to blame his mother for him being the womanizer he is. Brian calls him out on it, though being Brian, it doesn't faze Quagmire remotely.
  • No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: See Roaring Rampage of Revenge below.
  • No Sympathy: During Brian's funeral, unlike everyone else attending, he spends it watching a Red Sox game on his cellphone.
  • Not So Different: Pointed out in "Tiegs For Two" regarding Brian. When he reaches similar petty lengths to spite Brian, even using his old girlfriend to get back at him, the girls complain about using them and acting like children. In the DVD edit, Quagmire gets on a pedestal and gloats to Brian about this before they point out they were referring to both of them.
  • Older Than They Look: Quagmire claims to be 61 years old, though he appears to be the same age as Peter, Joe, and Cleveland. Considering the show's nature, he may or may not be telling the truth. Which leads to a bit of Fridge Horror when you remember that he was at Peter's prom, considering he's 20 years older than Peter and Lois.
  • Parental Incest: Wants to have sex with his daughter, and has sex with his mother. He drew the line at sex with his transgendered father. Sonja forced him anyway.
  • Papa Wolf: He does genuinely care for his sister Brenda's well being, and is willing to even murder her fiancee if it at least stops said fiancee from harming her permanently. Not that said fiancee didn't deserve it. He barely contains his fury at Brian for accidentally mistaking his niece for a boy, as she lost all her hair through chemotherapy. One gets the impression that if it wasn't Christmas and they were in line to see Santa, Quagmire would have beaten the living daylights out of Brian.
  • Passive-Aggressive Kombat: His feud with Brian, when not flat out violent rage, is usually this, especially since Brian has started hating him back. They both thrive on calling out each other's hypocrisies.
  • The Peeping Tom: Often. In one episode he is charged with peeping in the ladies'room.
  • The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: Quagmire's a pilot, a fact only occasionally brought up in the later half of the series.
  • Really Gets Around: Definately! This trope should be called "The Quagmire!"
  • "The Reason You Suck" Speech: In the episode "Jerome is the New Black," Quagmire gives a spectacular one to Brian, who has spent the entire episode trying to be his friend. It helps that the points he makes are quite valid as they were based on complaints viewers had been making about Brian for a good while.
    Quagmire: OK. I'll tell ya. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife, the man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. (getting angrier) And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing — you're always like "Ooh, I'll get you later," but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend that you're this deep guy that loves women for their souls, but all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of The Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some 7th Grade interpretation about Holden Caulfield is some profound intellectual, he wasn't. He was a SPOILED BRAT. And that's why you like him so much -- he's YOU. GOD, you're pretentious. (brimming with indignation) And you delude yourself by thinking you're a great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I shoulda known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note... She woulda known there's no "A" in the word "definite." And what I think I hate most about you, is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should (mockingly) "Legalize Pot, maaan..." How big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America... Well what have YOU done to help?! I work down at the Soup Kitchen, Brian... Never seen YOU down there... You wanna help? GRAB A LADLE. And by the way, driving a Prius does not make you Jesus Christ. Oh, WAIT — you don't believe in Jesus Christ, or any religion for that matter... Because "religion is for idiots." Well who the HELL are YOU to talk down to anyone?! You failed college TWICE, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father — how's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that...all of it...if you weren't such a BORE. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic BORE. Sigh... Well, see ya, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.
    • Both he and Brian have hand something of Escalating The Reason You Suck Speeches onto each other in "Tiegs for Two". After Brian labels him half polish, they instead decide to just kick each other's asses.
  • Refuge in Audacity: Many of his rants (see Self-Deprecation and "The Reason You Suck" Speech). In addition to the other examples under this character sheet, Quagmire has complained about never being given his own spinoff unlike Cleveland, to which Peter in response lampshades that Quagmire is a convicted rapist.
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: The Red Oni to Brian and Cleveland's Blue Oni.
  • Relative Button: Safe his mother, he becomes incredibly violent toward any perceived slight done to his family, which Brian accidentally press a lot.
  • Roaring Rampage of Revenge: When he aggressively beats the living daylights out of Brian:
    Quagmire: "If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!!! NOW LAY THERE AND DIE, YA PIECE OF CRAP!!!"
  • Running Gagged: Quagmire's hatred of Brian between the eighth and ninth seasons, with Brian frequently triggering Quagmire's wrath by inadvertantly offending him somehow. This gag last appeared a heated fight in "Tiegs For Two" with only much more subdued disagreements between them since.
  • Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: "Giggity-giggity-giggity-gone!"
  • Serial Rapist: What he does for a living.
  • Series Continuity Error: Quagmire is shocked to find that he has an infant daughter, yet "Peter's Got Woods" revealed that Quagmire actually knows he has illegitimate children somewhere in the world (including a 20-year-old Spanish man who lives with his mom, a kindergarten class with children that are biologically his, and twin strippers best descibed as "Quagmire after a sex change operation"). Then again, he could have been shocked that someone actually stuck him with the kid rather than care for it herself.
  • Self-Deprecation: Later in the show, he starts voicing multiple critisms from fans, including jibes at Peter's Jerk Ass antics, darkly offensive humor and the excessive use of Conway Twitty. Nearly everything Brian says or does around him manages to piss him off. Arguably also played for irony, since the person chosen to voice against such standards is, well, Quagmire.
  • Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: Has definitely become this against Brian. Originally a one-sided animosity early on against him, Brian has gradually given more retaliation to Quagmire's bitterness towards him, reaching to the point of a rather even handedly vicious Escalating War in "Tiegs For Two" where it had died down, until it re-exploded full circle in "Brian the Closer" and has since perked up in some light verbal spats. Though with how unlikable Brian has become, it's understandable.
  • Stalker with a Crush: He may go after any attractive woman that catches his eye, but several episodes show that he has a unhealthy obsession with Lois.
  • STD Immunity: Averted; it's stated in multiple episodes that Quagmire has contracted a variety of venereal diseases.
  • Took a Level in Badass: When he took on his sister's abusive boyfriend in "Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q", and rammed him into a tree with his car!
  • Took a Level in Cynic: Become noticeably more curmudgeonly and prudish in later seasons. Not that he was any less aware of the Crapsack World around him before, he just rolled with it.
  • Unsportsmanlike Gloating: Glen is.....intense when it comes to sports. Bowling and golf have shown to bring out the worst in him.
  • Unstoppable Rage: He was not pleased when Brian slept with his Transsexual dad.
  • You Are What You Hate: See Hypocrite and He Who Fights Monsters.

    Cleveland Brown

A caving guy that talks slow due to a head trauma. Is now divorced from his wife for being too nice, and, for a while, moved to his hometown of Stoolbend, Virginia after marrying his high school crush. Voiced by Mike Henry.

    Loretta Brown

Cleveland's ex-wife who left him after he discovered she had an affair with Quagmire. Voiced by Alex Borstein.

  • Flat Character: She seemed to exist only for the sake of being Cleveland's wife, and even the writers themselves admitted that she wasn't very interesting. This (along with Alex Borstein being tired of voicing her) lead to her being removed from the series.
  • Intolerable Tolerance: When Cleveland calls her out on cheating, she scolds him that he has been neglecting her. He apologizes for that, she scolds him again for being such a doormat, and dumps him.
  • Jerkass: She gets everything in the divorce, and leaves Cleveland completely out of her will, even though she was the one who cheated on him it makes it less tragic when she gets killed. And before that she was still generally rude and callous.
    • She even continues beyond the grave, after leaving everything to Cleveland Jr. she made sure he isn't allowed to give even a penny to his father.
  • Killed Off for Real: Accidentally by Peter in The Cleveland Show.

    Joe Swanson

A paraplegic cop that lost the ability to walk after falling off of an orphanage roof during a pursuit. Has a wife, Bonnie, who was pregnant for almost ten years. Voiced by Patrick Warburton.

  • Artistic License – Biology: His paralysis is often treated as a problem with his legs rather than his spine. One episode had him get back on his feet with a leg transplant, only to re-cripple himself by shooting himself in the back.
    • In the Retcon of his origin, he is explicitly shown being shot multiple times in the legs, but not the spine, meaning all the impotence and incontinence jokes don't make much sense.
  • Artistic License – Physics: In the interest of humor, he show sometimes fudges its depiction of how Joe's disability impacts his life. In the title sequence, Joe lifts his legs with his arms in order to perform the kicks along with everyone else. He's been depicted pushing himself down a flight of stairs in his wheelchair. At home, Joe takes out the trash by putting on a special pair of "hand shoes," bearing weight through his arms, and carrying the full trash bag on his bottom.
  • Ax-Crazy: Downplayed Trope, but present. In one case, when he couldn't finish a steak, he lost his temper, shot the steak and nearly shot his friends in an Unstoppable Rage.
  • Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever: Crippletron.
  • Barbie Doll Anatomy: In one episode where Bonnie is changing his diaper, Joe has no penis. However, she does mention that she has to put it on.
  • Beware the Nice Ones: If he's given the slightest excuse, Joe will kick your ass.
  • The Big Guy: Amongst Peter's circle of friends, Joe's the toughest and most physically capable.
  • The Bore: In spite of his Hot-Blooded moments, he has some incredibly dull tendencies, such as a complete inability to make small talk.
  • Berserk Button: He really doesn't like being reminded of the limitations imposed on him by his disability.
  • Curb-Stomp Battle: Was able to beat up Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire at the same time when he wasn't crippled.
  • Depending on the Writer: Whether he can get an erection (although a line in one episode implies that he uses a strap-on).
    • In some episodes he's "a cop first and a buddy second" and will bust his friends or even family without hesitation. In others he'll look the other way to their various felonies or even join in himself.
    • In some episodes, he's a Handicapped Badass while in other episodes, his disability has made him barely able to take care of himself. Recent episodes, however, have him being portrayed more as the latter.
  • Dirty Cop: Numerous examples, despite being good at his job, Depending on the Writer.
    • Almost always allows his close friends, most frequently Peter and Quagmire, to get away with everything, from abuse to pedophilia and beyond.
    • Seems to be aware of the rampant racism on the police force and not be especially bothered by it, even despite having a black man as a close friend.
    • Went along with Peter's idea to help Quagmire get his job back - namely, drug the pilots mid-flight so that Quagmire can save the plane when it starts to crash (Peter, and presumably Joe and Cleveland, spent time in a federal prison for hijacking for that one).
    • When he, Brian and Peter got annoyed with Quagmire's new pet cat, it was Joe who recommended breaking into Quagmire's house and shaving the cat - Peter accidentally skinned it instead, and Joe let them all get away with it.
    • Their arson of Goldman's Pharmacy (to help Mort Goldman collect an insurance settlement).
    • He also conspired to aid Quagmire in murdering his sister's abusive boyfriend, then covered it up. To be fair, the guy had it coming.
    • In "Welcome Back, Carter" he encourages Peter to blackmail Carter to give him stuff to ensure Peter does not blab on the affair. To reiterate, Joe is urging Peter to commit extortion, a major financial crime. Joe easily could have gone to jail for that one.
    • When he arrests Quagmire for statutory rape with an underage girl, Quagmire shares the photos he took of her to all his friends including Joe. You read that right, Joe technically received child pornography, and says all right to it?!! He doesn't even bother to add producing child pornography to the list of charges Quagmire faces.
  • Flanderization: His Handicapped Badass personality has pretty much been dropped and now he's more or less just used for cripple jokes.
  • Four-Temperament Ensemble: The Melancholic and the Choleric.
  • Hair-Trigger Temper: Since the show was uncancelled.
  • Handicapped Badass: In "Da Boom" he was partially vaporized leaving him stuck on his driveway unable to move around. A giant mutated rat comes along his response "bring it on!"
  • Heel–Face Revolving Door: In Family Guy Back to the Multiverse, sorta. He can be used and bought by Stewie or Brian at anytime, but is a boss in the Handicapped Level, and continues to be with Stewie and Brian upon being defeated.
  • Hot-Blooded: He screams almost all his lines.
  • Humongous Mecha: Again, Crippletron, where Joe along with dozens of people in wheelchairs form up into what's essentially a giant robot that only Joe himself can control. Never appeared since... until till the multiverse game.
  • Hypocrite: He often behaves like a Dirty Cop (see above), but he has the nerve to call out a Corrupt Hick sherriff for his bad behavior. Granted, he's not wrong, but it still smacks of Moral Myopia.
  • Jerkass Ball: In later seasons of the show, particularly "Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air", Where he celebrates finally being able to walk by abusing his friends, and leaving Bonnie. And it only took Bonnie to attempt to shoot him to re-cripple him.
  • Large Ham: The sexual thrill, THE SEXUAL THRILL!!
  • Muscles Are Meaningless: In the original episodes, not at all, but in recent episodes, he acts wimpy just because he's crippled despite the fact that he has muscles.
  • Nice Guy: Joe is probably the closest the show has to your standard Nice Guy nowadays, particularly when interacting with the Griffins, although he's too aggressive and driven to fit the role exactly.
  • No Indoor Voice: Like you wouldn't believe.
  • The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: The 9th season premiere is the first time in years we've seen him actually do cop stuff. For the most part it's been dropped in favor of him being the Angry Wheelchair Dude.
  • The Power of Love: Subverted in the episode "Foreign Affairs". Bonnie goes to France in order to have an affair, and eventually, Lois tells Joe what's happening. He flies to France to get Bonnie back, and to prove his love for her, he stands up from his wheelchair and walks under his own power. Except it's actually Quagmire duct-taped to his back that's allowing him to walk.
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: He's the Red to Peter, Cleveland and Quagmire's Blue Onis, think about that for a second.
  • Rubber Hose Limbs: His legs are occasionally shown to be ridiculously flexible.
  • Screw the Rules, I'm Doing What's Right!:
    • As an officer of the law, he's initially against Quagmire's plan to kill his sister's abusive boyfriend. But after seeing for himself what a monster the guy is, his immediate response is, "...Let's waste this dick."
    • In the Season 10 episode "Thanksgiving", we learn that several years ago, Joe let a thief go when it turned out the man was homeless and had stolen food in order to feed his family.
  • See You in Hell: The Grinch says this, tossing a roller skate at Joe. Joe slips on the roller skate and falls off a roof, becoming paralyzed.
  • Suddenly SHOUTING!: Joe is a rare combination of Deadpan Snarker and No Indoor Voice. 90% of the time, he's either shouting at the top of his lungs or speaking with a dull monotone. There's often no in-between with him, and he switches between the two without warning.
    Joe: [disguised as Lois] You ready to get some new notebooks and protractors and slacks?
    Chris: I want blue jeans.

    Peter: Okay, well, I guess you can take my license. Of course, it's all the way up here. [holds driver's license above his own head where Joe can't reach]
    Joe: Peter, knock it off. Give it to me.
    Peter: Here you go, Officer.
    Joe: Give me the damn license.
    Peter: Having some trouble there?
    Joe: This is in poor taste, Peter. You're starting to piss me off.
    Peter: All you gotta do is take it.
    Joe: [gruffly] You're starting to PISS ME OFF! [bludgeons Peter in the gut with his nightstick]
  • Testosterone Poisoning: Prone to fits of violence and aggressive shouting.
  • Top-Heavy Guy: Which is of course Truth in Television for athletic individuals who are wheelchair-bound.
  • Would Hit a Girl: In the episode "Breaking Out Is Hard To Do," Joe punches Lois many times after he catches and arrests her for stealing, explaining that as a policeman he's not allowed to give women special treatment. She's very understanding of the whole situation.

    Bonnie Swanson

Joe's wife. Was pregnant for almost ten years. Later gave birth in Season 7. Voiced by Jennifer Tilly.

  • Bitch in Sheep's Clothing:
    • In one episode, she was gonna leave Joe and have an affair with a Frenchman, because she was "bored of Joe". A handicapped Frenchman at that. Joe convinced her to stay.
    • In "Go Stewie Go" she openly admitted to Lois that she had an affair and claimed it was "healthy for a woman to explore her sexuality", so this means she has cheated on Joe at least once before and attempted to do it again in Paris, but was only stopped that time because Joe showed up. However, in the latest episode, "Internal Affairs," Bonnie had been acting distant with Joe, leading him to cheat on her with a younger police officer. Upon finding out, she acted as if it was the worst attack on her and treated it as unforgivable until the end of the episode.
    • Joe did call Bonnie out on how she's become emotionally distant and bitter and cited the Paris incident as to one of the reasons why he did what he did, and rather than shift blame solely on of them, "Internal Affairs" showed that both of them have been unhappy for a long time and it's just gotten worse.
  • Bi the Way: When Cleveland asks her and Lois to kiss, they do so, only to discover that they like it and start passionately making out.
  • Flanderization: Joe and Bonnie were originally madly in love, with Bonnie always thinking about how Joe's rugged enthusiasm and perseverance turned her on. Then as Joe slowly became shifted into a mostly one-dimensional cripple joke, Bonnie shifted into a long suffering, unhappy woman due to Joe's inability to walk with her bitchiness the result of how worn out she was. It's made even worse in "The Most Interesting Man in the World" and "Brian the Closer" where both episodes feature scenes which imply that she'd go as far as wanting Joe dead (other episodes like "The Blind Side" and "JOLO" also imply that Joe wants it as well, so it could be for his sake).
  • Happily Married: Originally. The two of them rarely had any arguments in the pre-cancellation seasons. In fact, Bonnie would openly gush about how much Joe still turned her on and what she would do to him the next time they were in bed. She never seemed to have any issue with helping Joe with his needs, either.
  • Longest Pregnancy Ever: Finally resolved in Season 7. It's even lampshaded on more than a few occasions. Case in point:
    Bonnie: I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with [Glenn Quagmire] running around!
    Peter: Okay, first off, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for, what, six years? Either have the baby or don't!
  • Mama Bear: Shown to be one in the Thanksgiving episode; when Joe was trying to escort their son Kevin to jail, she objects to him and orders him to allow Kevin to explain his reason for deserting the military.
  • Mum Looks Like a Sister: Doesn't look much older than her now-adult son Kevin.
  • Took a Level in Jerkass: As part of her Flanderization.

    Kevin Swanson 
Debut: "A Hero Sits Next Door"

Joe Swanson and Bonnie Swanson's son, who ended up dying in Iraq. Voiced by Seth Macfarlane and by Scott Grimes once he returns to the show. In the thanksgiving special, he is revealed to have not died in Iraq.

  • Chuck Cunningham Syndrome / Demoted to Extra: Kevin appeared in the first 3 seasons, then just disappeared for years, though he had a few non speaking cameos. Years later after his last speaking role Peter questioned about his disappearance out of curiosity. Joe explained Kevin died as a soldier in Iraq with hardly any emotion.
  • Disney Death: It turns out he wasn't actually dead.
  • Flat Character: The reason why he was ultimately killed off. However, the producers brought him back when they found a way to make him more interesting.
  • Love Interest: He and Meg have dated briefly; although every time they get time together, something usually happens to interrupt them,.
  • Put on a Bus to Hell: In "Stew-Roids" Peter asked what happened to Kevin, and Joe coldly replied he died in Iraq.
  • Screw This, I'm Out of Here!: Since he could no longer tolerate the bloodshed of the Iraq war, he decided to leave the military. Though his father initially decides to arrest him, he realizes that though his actions were technically illegal he had understandable reasons to do so and lets him go.