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Schlock Mercenary
Tagon: Headcount! There were three goons! Three! Where's the third one?
Schlock: Yum?
Narrator: Food that talks is not food, but the goon never said anything, so it's okay, right?
Schlock: Yum?
Narrator: Food that talks is not food, but the goon never said anything, so it's okay, right?
Schlock: PX guy wanted proof I needed all that food. Went on a binge then an' there.
Legs: That's never made you sick before. How much did you eat?
Schlock: Four bottles.
Legs: That's not very—
Schlock: ...of concentrated solvent.
Legs: Perhaps you need to be a little more discriminating when you binge.
Legs: That's never made you sick before. How much did you eat?
Schlock: Four bottles.
Legs: That's not very—
Schlock: ...of concentrated solvent.
Legs: Perhaps you need to be a little more discriminating when you binge.
Schlock: I'm an amorph. Dinner isn't coming back up unless it can fight its way back up. Smutto is just corn and soy, it'll stay down.
Ebbirnoth: It's not just corn and soy. It's also a bacteria colony fighting off a fungal infection. Smutto is a little pile of germ warfare disguised as a side dish.
Schlock: Okay, sure. But the last time I had to spit something out it was an infection of nanobots. The Smutto I dropped down the hole is way out of its league.
Ebbirnoth: You can eat anything, then?
Schlock: Amorphs are weird that way.
Ebbirnoth: It's not just corn and soy. It's also a bacteria colony fighting off a fungal infection. Smutto is a little pile of germ warfare disguised as a side dish.
Schlock: Okay, sure. But the last time I had to spit something out it was an infection of nanobots. The Smutto I dropped down the hole is way out of its league.
Ebbirnoth: You can eat anything, then?
Schlock: Amorphs are weird that way.
Kathryn: You eat your enemies as a fallback option?
Schlock: No. I eat my enemies when they are delicious.
Schlock: No. I eat my enemies when they are delicious.
Bunny: Sergeant, did you just drink medicine out of a bottle you found on the ground?
Schlock: Yes.
Bunny: I... I...
[beat]
Bunny: Okay, I guess I can't see how that could possibly be more dangerous than swallowing two armed men whole. As you were.
Schlock: And you humans call yourselves omnivores.
Schlock: Yes.
Bunny: I... I...
[beat]
Bunny: Okay, I guess I can't see how that could possibly be more dangerous than swallowing two armed men whole. As you were.
Schlock: And you humans call yourselves omnivores.
Ebbirnoth: We need a word that means "omnivorous like a forest fire."
Schlock: When you find that word, I will eat it.
Schlock: When you find that word, I will eat it.
Ebbirnoth: Whoa, it's definitely not safe to eat. Forget metal toxicity, I've found what's laying down the metals. Some of the tissues host free-ranging cells that are more like industrial nanobots. These "metalocytes" would tear us up inside.
Schlock: That's the fizzy taste. They're trying to electroplate me from the inside!
Murtaugh: Aren't you listening? Why are you still eating that?
Schlock: Food that fights back builds character. Also, I like the fizz.
Schlock: That's the fizzy taste. They're trying to electroplate me from the inside!
Murtaugh: Aren't you listening? Why are you still eating that?
Schlock: Food that fights back builds character. Also, I like the fizz.
Murtaugh: From the mouth of the mundivore.
Schlock: Mundi-vore?
Murtaugh: Latin for "world-eater."
Schlock: Mundi-vore?
Murtaugh: Latin for "world-eater."
Schlock: [on eating million year-old cyborg brains] Does the fizzy taste go away?
Hioefua: Did Murtaugh tell you that "mundivore" might also be translated to "devourer of the universe?"
Hioefua: Did Murtaugh tell you that "mundivore" might also be translated to "devourer of the universe?"
Schlock: Hey, quick question. What do you guys eat?
Pa'anuri 1: Eat?
Schlock: Eating is a baryonic thing.
Pa'anuri 2: We fuel ourselves via transduction of gravitational differentials, and we store that energy in coils and lattices of complex umbral "molecules."
Pa'anuri 1: WHY ARE YOU ANSWERING ITS QUESTIONS?
Schlock: So, theoretically, I could get energy by eating YOU?
Pa'anuri 2: Because answering questions seemed harmless?
Pa'anuri 1: Eat?
Schlock: Eating is a baryonic thing.
Pa'anuri 2: We fuel ourselves via transduction of gravitational differentials, and we store that energy in coils and lattices of complex umbral "molecules."
Pa'anuri 1: WHY ARE YOU ANSWERING ITS QUESTIONS?
Schlock: So, theoretically, I could get energy by eating YOU?
Pa'anuri 2: Because answering questions seemed harmless?
Carbosilicate amorphs are like organic chemistry labs where the rigorous science has been swapped out for a voracious appetite. Sure, all organic life-forms can do chemistry. Amorphs, however, do it on purpose. And very few of them do it as well as Sergeant Schlock.
Sadly, Schlock's skills with the organic chemistry of "ordinary" baryonic matter do not apply within the dark realm of non-baryonic molecules. But the Sergeant has just learned that non-baryonic chemistry exists...
He has an appetite for learning. A voracious appetite...
Sadly, Schlock's skills with the organic chemistry of "ordinary" baryonic matter do not apply within the dark realm of non-baryonic molecules. But the Sergeant has just learned that non-baryonic chemistry exists...
He has an appetite for learning. A voracious appetite...
— Schlock develops a taste for dark matter, Schlock Mercenary, April 30, 2020
Pa'anuri: This new enemy has all the fast-burning ferocity of baryonic life, and it has all our own power over the shift and shape of space. It is not a monster. "Monster" is not enough of a word.
Schlock: The word you want is "mundivore". It means world-eater. Or maybe universe-eater. I won't know which until I'm done eating.
Schlock: The word you want is "mundivore". It means world-eater. Or maybe universe-eater. I won't know which until I'm done eating.
Everything Else
Bizarro: Bugs came from godship and started eating. They ate Bizarros, buildings, even part of Bizarro World itself. Once they am full, they fly back into godship and more would come out.
Supergirl: Huh. Omniphagus supplicants to produce fuel. Interesting
Bizarro: Huh?
Supergirl: Those things go out and eat something, then they return to the ship and are processed.
Supergirl: Huh. Omniphagus supplicants to produce fuel. Interesting
Bizarro: Huh?
Supergirl: Those things go out and eat something, then they return to the ship and are processed.
Eat your shoes
Don't forget the strings
And socks
Even eat the box
You bought 'em in
You can eat the truck
That brought 'em in
Garbage truck
Mmmmm... moldy garbage truck
Eat the truck and driver,
And his gloves
Nutriciousness!
Deliciousness!
Worthlessness!
Don't forget the strings
And socks
Even eat the box
You bought 'em in
You can eat the truck
That brought 'em in
Garbage truck
Mmmmm... moldy garbage truck
Eat the truck and driver,
And his gloves
Nutriciousness!
Deliciousness!
Worthlessness!
—"Mr. Green Genes", by Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention
"I watched Marco eat some of the popcorn. I did as he did... The texture was rough and strange. And the flavor! It reminded me of a food called pizza. But there was just a hint of cigarette butts, which I also enjoy. Although Prince Jake had told me never to eat cigarette butts again. They are bad for you."
— Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill, Animorphs #8
"Ike says he found your luggage in the lobby. And he would like to apologize for eating your pants."
— Professor Quadrangle, Quantum Conundrum
"You're right, it does look delicious."
— The Cannibal, Sword of the Stars II: Lords of Winter, when targeting an enemy, be it spacecraft or planet
"Yeah, that's real fine expensive gear you brought out here, Mr. Hooper. 'Course I don't know what that bastard shark's gonna do with it. Might eat it, I suppose. Seen one eat a rockin' chair one time."
— Quint, Jaws
Manny: What are you eating?
Bernard: It's some kind of delicious biscuit.
Manny: Bernard, it's a coaster.
Bernard: Is it? Are there any more?
Bernard: It's some kind of delicious biscuit.
Manny: Bernard, it's a coaster.
Bernard: Is it? Are there any more?
— Black Books, "The Grapes of Wrath"
"Look, I am capable of fixing your keyboard or eating it. Guess which I'm closer to doing?"
— Ike the half-manticore, Skin Deep, beginning to get irritated
"Inedible. Tastes like chicken."
— Louie on the Mamuta, Pikmin 2
"Yeah, he ate one of my cars once. Yeeeah. The whole car. Just with, like, a fork."
— Scooter (on Crazy Earl), Borderlands 2
Katelynn: Trick or treat!
Mackenzie: Katelynn, it's Christmas, not Halloween.
Katelynn: Ooh, but look at all the candy!
Mackenzie: Do not eat the decorations. Those candy canes aren't edible. Remember last Christmas when you had to get your stomach pumped?
Katelynn: No, I don't remember. I was sedated!
Mackenzie: It was like a fucking piñata in there!
— The Most Popular Girls in School, Episode 38
During the whelp's upbringing, it will be initiated into the secrets of the Great Maw and taught to gulp down and digest the most foul and poisonous substances, from ragged hunks of rotten meat, to ground-up bedrock and the slimy, toxic intestines of stone trolls. An adult Butcher takes pride in the fact he can consume substances that can ravage the digestive systems of even his fellow Ogres. [...] This gastronomic fortitude is a great source of respect from the rest of the tribe, who believe that to cross a Butcher is to cross the Great Maw itself, and therefore doom themselves to premature reincarnation as a hot and nourishing stew.
Warhammer: Ogre Kingdoms Army Book (6th edition)
"Hey Steven! Is there any more engine oil? I need it for the sandwich."
—Amethyst, Steven Universe
Florence: Sam, a cockroach just took a bite of your food and died!
Sam: HA! SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, BABY!
Sam: HA! SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, BABY!
— Freefall
After spending years (and thousands of dollars) shoveling down O'Tolley's burgers and fries, the burgerman gains immunity to the ingested poisons. Later, as his digestive tract grows in strength and power, he is able to eat anything — the wrappers, the napkins, the bags, the straws, coworkers... many burgermen with this ability start out in O'Tolley's kitchens, eating the food leftover at the end of the day. After years of wrecking their insides, they develop strange cravings and desires: while O'Tolley's rarely serves human to humans, there are the occasional perks handed out to lifetime employees and special customers.
—Werewolf: The Apocalypse — Book of the City
The Kingsmouth woods are eerily devoid of life. The Wendigo prefer the nuanced contexts they can taste in human flesh. They find your scent heady, sweetling. They can smell your first kiss. They can smell your first fear. They can smell the day you lost your innocence. But when human sweet meats are not available, they will consume all other life. We see them now, starving Wendigo, taking massive bites out of the trees and stones.
—The Buzzing, The Secret World
The Ironguts display their intestinal prowess by eating a range of unpalatable items ranging from rusty nails and hot gravel to iron-banded cartwheels and chainmail armour, which is particularly troublesome to chew. It was one of these contests that gave rise to the myth of "When Bolgut Fell Ill", a favourite amongst Ogre whelp due to its fanciful nature. After all, as everyone knows, there is very little an Irongut cannot digest.
—Warhammer: Ogre Kingdoms Army Book (8th edition)
When in doubt, just ask a Snuuth to eat it. That trick works on both alien parasites and dubious Plutonian 'ready meals' (which are probably fairly similar in appearance, texture, and taste).
— Flavour Text of the Purple People Eater tactic, Legacy of a Thousand Suns
Secundus: What's this?
Waitress: The bill.
Secundus: Did I order this?
Waitress: Everybody gets one.
Secundus: I see. *eats the bill* Very pleasant.
Waitress: The bill.
Secundus: Did I order this?
Waitress: Everybody gets one.
Secundus: I see. *eats the bill* Very pleasant.
Elaine, from that day forward,
Was always in command.
On hikes, she'd eat some birch-bark.
On swims, she'd eat some sand.
At meals, she'd swallow prune pits
And never have pain,
While everyone around her,
Would giggle, "Oh Elaine!"
Was always in command.
On hikes, she'd eat some birch-bark.
On swims, she'd eat some sand.
At meals, she'd swallow prune pits
And never have pain,
While everyone around her,
Would giggle, "Oh Elaine!"
—"Eat-it-all Elaine" by Kaye Starbird
"I’ll eat absolutely anything! There are no bad ingredients, just bad cooking!"
—Xiangling, Genshin Impact
Porcoline: Is iron edible?
Lest/Frey: Definitely not.
Porcoline: Really?
Lest/Frey: Really.
Porcoline: Even by moi?
Lest/Frey: (sweatdrops) ...Probably not.
Porcoline: Even if I put everything I have into eating it?
Lest/Frey: [Good boys and girls, please do not attempt this. On no level is it a good idea to imitate Porco.]
(The next day)
Porcoline: Is bronze edi—
Lest/Frey: NO.
Lest/Frey: Definitely not.
Porcoline: Really?
Lest/Frey: Really.
Porcoline: Even by moi?
Lest/Frey: (sweatdrops) ...Probably not.
Porcoline: Even if I put everything I have into eating it?
Lest/Frey: [Good boys and girls, please do not attempt this. On no level is it a good idea to imitate Porco.]
(The next day)
Porcoline: Is bronze edi—
Lest/Frey: NO.
"Damn, there's everything in here! Pinecones, moss, chalk, jars of salsa...Pieces of ice, black crumbs from the toaster, jawbreakers...Oh, and like actual food, too."
— Susie, Deltarune
Ate it?
Ate it.
Well, it looked like a hot dog.
His companions wailed, "YOU... YOU ATE... YOU ATE THE... YOU ATE THE BATON!"
Peacemaker: Ever since I had a team-up with Matter-Eater Lad, my sense of what's normal is a little fucked up...
Murn: You have to keep Vigilante close. If he talks, he could ruin everything.
Peacemaker: [not paying attention] I once saw him eat an entire Wendy's restaurant...
Murn: ...Vigilante ate a restaurant?
Peacemaker: No, Matter-Eater Lad. That's his power, he can eat anything. Maybe they took too long with his fries or something...? The guy's a fuckin' lunatic.
Murn: You have to keep Vigilante close. If he talks, he could ruin everything.
Peacemaker: [not paying attention] I once saw him eat an entire Wendy's restaurant...
Murn: ...Vigilante ate a restaurant?
Peacemaker: No, Matter-Eater Lad. That's his power, he can eat anything. Maybe they took too long with his fries or something...? The guy's a fuckin' lunatic.
Spyro: Uh, where's the fridge?
Trigger Happy: Apparently Wrecking Ball's been sleep-eating again.
Spyro: I told him not to midnight-snack, would he ever listen.
Trigger Happy: Apparently Wrecking Ball's been sleep-eating again.
Spyro: I told him not to midnight-snack, would he ever listen.
—Black Rhino Ranger, "2nd Anniversary of Skylanders"
"No! Human paperclips are not a good meat substitute! Have people been eating those?!"
— Gus to Eileen, The Owl House, "For the Future"
That little Hylian from before is named Link. He's got a respectable appetite. Loves to eat meat, fruit, vegetables... all sorts of things a decent person wouldn't dream of eating. Link will cook up and eat just about anything. I offered him some Grade A rock roast to help refine his palette. I asked him how it tasted. He liked it so much he was speechless. I knew Hylians could eat rocks too!
— Daruk's Training Journal, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Gordon Freeman: [Having found a military radio] Who can do the best soldier voice? Have you- you've heard what they sound like, they're g- [Notices the radio is suddenly missing, and Dr. Coomer is standing right by where it was] What'd you do?
Dr. Coomer: Gordon, I'm full.
Gordon: (Beat) H- ...he- ...he ate it...
Dr. Coomer: Gordon, I'm full.
Gordon: (Beat) H- ...he- ...he ate it...
