Quotes / Child Hater

Blogs

Maybe I’m wrong about Dustin not adequately covering both sides of the Boomer-Millennial divide. Sure, the comic makes fun of today’s youths and their habit of just dozing off in the middle of the work day, but it also points out that today’s old people hate their families so much that it’s literally killing them.

—The Comics Curmudgeon on Dustin

Comic Books

I fuckin' hate kids. An' not just 'cos they're annoying little bastards either, no. Goes deeper than that. See, what I wanna know is, where did we get the idea that Children Are Innocent? Sacrosanct, even? Bleedin' little savages is what they are. An' yeah, I know, it's all some race-memory left over from when we were cavemen - ensure the survival of the species and all that - but for god's sake, we ain't livin' in soddin' caves no more, are we? Time to bloody evolve. An' that's the problem. Everyone bangin' on all the time about children being the future, the hope for all of us, all that - an' they're fuckin' not!

—John Constantine, Hellblazer: Son Of Man

Fan Works

One of these days, I swear I'll blow kids straight off the face of the earth. All they're good for is annoying adults. Well, finally they'll be put to good use. Who'd of thought that simply saying a trip to DisneyLand would convince the kids to stay? They're so stupid!

— Retro, Can You Imagine That?

Films — Animation

"Have you seen a baby lately? All they do is eat and poop, and then they cry, and they cry when they poop, and they poop when they cry. Now, imagine an *ogre* baby— they *extra* cry and they *extra* poop!"

— Shrek, Shrek the Third

"Look at him, Smee. [Peter Pan]'s nothing but a child. And I loathe children."

— Captain Hook, Return To Neverland

Film — Live-Action

"...Kids suck."

— Ma Fratelli, The Goonies

"You're not people. You're kids."

— Bank teller, The Little Rascals

"You know… I really hate children!"

— Dolores Umbridge, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

"Look at this thing. It thinks it's so cool. It's not cool to ask for help! Walk by yourself, you little gargoyle!"

—Rocket Raccoon, Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

Literature

"Children," the voice said. "We hate 'em. Foul things. They laugh at what they doesn't understand. They laugh at things they should be afeared of. Oh, but we know. We know what the circus hides. We know what all circuses hide. Foul children. We make them laugh, but when we can...

We take 'em!"

—Some Children Wander By Mistake

Manny: I wuv you, Awnt Cakey.
Aunt Cakey: Somebody get this kid to a speech therapist.

— Diary of a Wimpy Kid

"My idea of a perfect school is one in which there are no children at all."

— Agatha Trunchbull, Matilda

William de Worde: Mrs. Tilly, I think you wrote a lovely, well spelled and grammatical letter to us suggesting how "Everyone under the age of eighteen should be flogged once a week to stop them for being so noisy?"

Tilly: "Once a day" Mr. de Worde. That’ll teach them going around being young.

—Discworld, "The Truth",

Live-Action TV

Mary: Dick, I can't have children.
Dick: Oh Mary, why not?
Mary: Because I hate them.

— 3rd Rock from the Sun

"Children should be seen and not heard. Or better still, not seen and not heard. Get into that closet!"

— Kilgrave, Jessica Jones (2015)

"Well, I was packin' up the Punch and Judy... and I couldn't find the sausages. So, I looked around and there was this snotty-nosed kid suckin' an ice cream cornet. 'Have you got my sausages?', I said. 'Get lost, granddad', he said, and I could see 'em stickin' out of 'is pocket. So, I grabbed 'em awf 'im, snatched 'is ice cream cornet, stuck it in 'is face, give it a twist, then I clipped 'im 'round the ear'ole, and kicked 'im up the arse!"

— Mr. William Patridge, Hi-de-Hi!, "The Partridge Season"

Theatre

Toni: How do you like children?
Harvey: Grilled, medium rare.^note In the movie version, his answer is, "Barbecued."

— Cactus Flower

Video Games

"Oh look, what clever children! See them study, see them learn! How I HATE those goodie-goodies, how it makes my stomach turn!"

— I. M. Meen

"A lot of people idolize their children. You hear them talking about their kids, and just the way they talk... their fucking voices make me wanna vomit. "My angel likes to read," "And little Johnny is so good on the piano..." FUCK THOSE PEOPLE. You give up nine months of your life carrying them, you traumatize yourself giving birth to them, and then you spend the rest of your life as their slave: wiping asses, mopping up piss, feeding them - little life sucking monsters who take and take and take until..."

—The Park

But pray, mistake me not.
I've no interest in children, and still less in men.

— ???, Bravely Default

Maude: I HATE babies, and I hate children. They're dirty, sniveling, snotting, vile, puking little—
Tommy: Enough already! What is wrong with you?? You make soft ice cream, okay? It's purely for kids! What kind of psycho are you? Just so I understand this, why make children happy if you hate them?
Maude: Oh, you stupid, sniveling, snotty-
Tommy: Shut up!
Maude: Brat! The ice cream is a front. We distribute other non-dairy products.

— Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

Grelod: And one more thing! I will hear no more talk of adoptions! None of you riff-raff is getting adopted. Ever! Nobody needs you, nobody wants you. That, my darlings, is why you're here. Why you will always be here, until the day you come of age and get thrown into that wide, horrible world. Now, what do you all say?
Orphans: We love you, Grelod. Thank you for your kindness.
Grelod: That's better. Now scurry off, my little guttersnipes.

— The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Sam: What's the matter with the babies, Kris? Santa loves children!
Santa: Why do people always assume that? I took the one job where there's only one day a year there's even a chance I'll be near children. With very strict rules that they're not allowed to see me!
Sam: Well, when you put it that way.

— Sam & Max

Visual Novels

Marina: Not a fan of kids?
Amber: Not the rotten ones.

— Highway Blossoms

Web Animation

"'Just a kid'? Kids are diabolical monstrosities that drive you to the brink of insanity! After everything I've done for you, you chose a bunch of kids over me!"

—Cameron Campbell, Camp Camp ("Cameron Campbell the Camp Campbell Camper")

Web Original

There should be a new Fashion Week rule. If you want to bring your kid, you have to sit them next to Anna Wintour, because whenever she’s next to a child she looks about as comfortable as Mama June sitting next to a healthy salad bar. Children at fashion shows will be Anna Wintour’s demise!

—Michael K.

Web Video

Papy Grenier: The first thing I did once I got to Megaton was try to kill the children.
Grandchild: What!? Grampa, why!?
Papy Grenier: Oh, I dunno. A reflex, I guess.

—Papy Grenier remembering Fallout 3

Western Animation

"I HATE KIDS! KIDS ARE BRATS! KIDS ARE STUPID! I HATE KIDS! THERE'S NO QUESTION! STUPID STUPID KIDS! I HATE KIDS A LOT! YOU'RE ALL DUMB KIDS!!"

—Teen Ninja Song, Code Name Kids Next Door

"Because, my little artichoke, I'm 16 and you're 10. DO THE MATH!!!"

— Vicky, The Fairly Oddparents

"I hate kids. That's why I donate playground equipment. I prefer they stay there and away from me."

— Craig Ptarmigan, The Great North, Season 2 "Beef's Craig Beef Adventure"

"Children! How ghastly! ...Er, how charming!"

— Millionara Vanderbucks upon first meeting Webby and the nephews, Ducktales 1987

"Children: Can't live with them, can't hunt them for sport."

—Dan, Dan Vs. The Lemonade Stand Gang

Real Life

"Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad."

— Leo Rosten on W. C. Fields.

"Well, you’ll never fly in it. You’re too fat to be an astronaut."

—Prince Phillip smashes the dreams of a 13-year-old looking at the NOVA spacecraft, Salford University

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