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Quotes / Child Hater

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Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
— Leo Rosten, about W. C. Fields.

Well, you’ll never fly in it. You’re too fat to be an astronaut.
Prince Phillip smashes the dreams of a 13-year-old looking at the NOVA spacecraft, Salford University

"You can't have a fucking screen in a modern game these days that isn't fucking busy with shit happening constantly, because you're fucking ADD little pieces of crap. Yes, I'm talking about you, Millennials."
Yahzee and Gabe Let's Play Flashback (2012)

There should be a new Fashion Week rule. If you want to bring your kid, you have to sit them next to Anna Wintour, because whenever she’s next to a child she looks about as comfortable as Mama June sitting next to a healthy salad bar. Children at fashion shows will be Anna Wintour’s demise!

"KIDS ARE NOT nice, innocent, flower-loving little rainbow children. Kids are all little bastards: they don't have any kind of social tact or etiquette, they're just complete little raging bastards."
Matt Stone of South Park fame


Because, my little artichoke, I'm 16 and you're 10. DO THE MATH!!!

Manny: I wuv you, Awnt Cakey.
Aunt Cakey: Somebody get this kid to a speech therapist.

Oh look, what clever children! See them study, see them learn! How I HATE those goodie-goodies, how it makes my stomach turn!

You're not people. You're kids.
Bank teller, The Little Rascals

Maude: I HATE babies, and I hate children. They're dirty, sniveling, snotting, vile, puking little
Tommy: Enough already! What is wrong with you?? You make soft ice cream, okay? It's purely for kids! What kind of psycho are you? Just so I understand this, why make children happy if you hate them?
Maude: Oh, you stupid, sniveling, snotty-
Tommy: Shut up!
Maude: Brat! The ice cream is a front. We distribute other non-dairy products.

You know, I do really hate children!

Grelod the Kind: Those who shirk their duties will get an extra beating. Do I make myself clear?
Orphans: Yes, Grelod.
Grelod the Kind: And one more thing! I will hear no more talk of adoptions! None of you riff-raff is getting adopted. Ever! Nobody needs you, nobody wants you. That, my darlings, is why you're here. Why you will always be here, until the day you come of age and get thrown into that wide, horrible world. Now, what do you all say?
Orphans: [unenthusiastically] We love you, Grelod. Thank you for your kindness.
Grelod the Kind: That's better. Now scurry off, my little guttersnipes.

One of these days, I swear I'll blow kids straight off the face of the earth. All they're good for is annoying adults. Well, finally they'll be put to good use. Who'd of thought that simply saying a trip to DisneyLand would convince the kids to stay? They're so stupid!

But pray, mistake me not.
I've no interest in children, and still less in men.

Children should be seen and not heard. Or better still, not seen and not heard. Get into that closet!
Kilgrave, Jessica Jones (2015)

A lot of people idolize their children. You hear them talking about their kids, and just the way they talk... their fucking voices make me wanna vomit. "My angel likes to read," "And little Johnny is so good on the piano..." FUCK THOSE PEOPLE. You give up nine months of your life carrying them, you traumatize yourself giving birth to them, and then you spend the rest of your life as their slave: wiping asses, mopping up piss, feeding them - little life sucking monsters who take and take and take until...
We all go insane. Any parent who pretends otherwise is just dishonest. That's called choice-supportive bias. I am honest: Callum really grinds my gears, and he owes me everything. Everything. It'd serve the little fuck right if I just abandoned him...
Lorraine Maillard while under Nathaniel Winter's influence, The Park

Children, the voice said. We hate 'em. Foul things. They laugh at what they doesn't understand. They laugh at things they should be afeared of. Oh, but we know. We know what the circus hides. We know what all circuses hide. Foul children. We make them laugh, but when we can...
I fuckin' hate kids. An' not just 'cos they're annoying little bastards either, no. Goes deeper than that. See, what I wanna know is, where did we get the idea that Children Are Innocent? Sacrosanct, even? Bleedin' little savages is what they are. An' yeah, I know, it's all some race-memory left over from when we were cavemen - ensure the survival of the species and all that - but for god's sake, we ain't livin' in soddin' caves no more, are we? Time to bloody evolve. An' that's the problem. Everyone bangin' on all the time about children being the future, the hope for all of us, all that - an' they're fuckin' not! Who do they learn from? Us Whose behavior are they gonna pick up on? Ours. Whose mistakes are they gonna repeat? Ours. People are shaggin' away like rabbits, droppin' the little bleeders all over the place and' talkin' about hope - and all they're doin's carryin' on the huge fuckin' cock-up we already made! Oh, what, you don't agree? Think we're something worth prolonging, do you? Well, do me a favor: take a look at the world around you, alright? Then try sayin' it with a straight fuckin' face. We are not children of celestial fuckin' light, walkin' arm-in-arm into the Age of Aquarius. We are wankers who wreck the planet an' piss on each other, 'til half the world's starvin' and the other half's busy findin' new ways to keep from noticin' it. That's the fuckin' limit've our potential, believe me. So don't show me your little bundle of joy an' expect me to coo over it - 'cos all I see's another lazy, selfish bastard thirty years from now, bellyachin' about how it's life didn't turn out the way it wanted, it's not its fault, an' why doesn't somebody do about the state of this, that an' the other... Anyway, havin' now established myself as a right miserable bastard, I'm off home to drink me carry-out an' read me trashy novel. See you.
[Leaves. Beat Panel. Suddenly reappears.]
I know, I know, "You were one once." I was a sperm once, but you don't see me wanting to cuddle up to a fuckin' wank-stain, do you?
John Constantine, Hellblazer: Son Of Man

"Just a kid"? Kids are diabolical monstrosities that drive you to the brink of insanity! After everything I've done for you, you chose a bunch of kids over me!"
Cameron Campbell, Camp Camp, "Cameron Campbell the Camp Campbell Camper"


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