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That Mitchell And Webb Look
- All of the Numberwang sketches have several of these. In particular...
- First game:
- "Let's rotate the board!" It rotates to reveal two more contestants (David Mitchell as "Jon" and James Bachman as "Miles")... then rotates back to Julie and Simon.
- Both contestants guessing "one" with various inflections until Simon's "one" is declared Wangernumb.
- The prize money check has "Children in Need" crossed out.
- Second game:
- "The maths quiz that simply everyone."
- "Simon to go first. Too slow. Julie?"
- This exchange:Host: Let's move on to round two, imaginary numbers. Simon?
Host: That's Numberwang!
Julie: Frilve hundred and neeb.
Host: That's Numberwang!
Host: Oh, bad luck, Simon. I'm afraid shinty-six is a real number, as in the popular phrase "I only have shinty-six days left to live."
(behind him, a screen shows the number "shinty-six", which is really 56 with the 5 reversed)
- Third game:
- "...and Simon, who is from space."
- Gyles Brandreth in Number Corner, a parody of Countdown's Dictionary Corner:Host: So, Gyles, any funny number stories?
Gyles: Yes. Once I ate 18 cakes.
- Numberscoff. Particularly at the end when Simon belches and gets a Belchwang bonus.
- The board rotates to reveal a Nativity scene with David Mitchell as Joseph and James Bachman as Mary.
- Simon repeatedly guessing 6 (while the board displays a 7 that increases in size).
- And the last word from Gyles.Gyles: Numberwank!
Host: It's Numberwang.
Gyles: [Embarrassed] Fuck.
- Fourth game:
- "The numbers show that simply everyone... is talking about? Yes."
- Simon being asked if he sings in Anglesey. He gives a musical response that contains "Can't you see, I cannot sing."
- "...instead of starting with Round 1, we're going to start with Round 1."
- "Vase." "That's not a number."
- Going for three whole days without hitting Numberwang. The Sudden Death round is literal; whoever dies first (while being bombarded with "Number gas") wins. It's made even funnier when Julie dies first, complete with "ding" and funeral flowers that spell out "That's Numberwang!"Host: You may be interested to know that today's Number Gas is made from the number 2, which, you may remember from school, is deadly to humans.
- "...Simon, who is from a factory and made from a special metal." (Simon smacks himself with a CLANG sound)
- This exchange:Host: Julie, ever killed a man?
Simon: (enthusiastically) Yes.
- And this one:Julie: Buzz.
Host: Sorry, are you buzzing in?
Host: That's Wordwang!
- The word boards. They guess all sorts of non-animal words in the Animal round while an animal shows on the screen. Then the same thing with Countries of the World: the board shows vegetables and the contestants guess fake countries such as "Fintanland" and "The Independent Republic of Yeb". Simon guesses "Ireland", which he is told is not a vegetable.
- Julie and Simon being penalised for bad guesses by having letters removed from their names. They go into the Wordwangerator as Uli and Im, with respective scores of "H" and "tarpaulin".
- When the board rotates, it reveals David Mitchell and James Bachman re-enacting a Russian roulette scene from The Deer Hunter. As the board finishes rotating, we hear the gun go off.
- The Wordwangerator:Uli: Parallel.
- In the Gratuitous German version, "Nümberwang", the contestants are introduced as being a Hamburger and Frankfurter.
- "Julie, wie gehts?" "Nein." "Simon?" "Ja." ("Julie, how are you?" "No." "Simon?" "Yes.")
- The board rotating to reveal Robert Webb and James Bachman in a re-enactment of the torture scene from Marathon Man.
- The host wishing Julie good luck before Wangernumb — in English, tricking her into answering "Oh, thanks very much!" in a parody of Gordon Jackson giving himself away in The Great Escape, and causing the host to immediately disqualify her.
- Among Simon's prizes for winning are a beer stein and a picture of David Hasselhoff.
- Red Nose Day 2007 featured a Celebrity Edition sketch (adapted from one seen in their live show The Two Faces of Mitchell and Webb) featuring Channel Four's "head of numbers" Carol Vorderman (who's from Yes, and whose favourite hobbies are pina coladas and smoking in the rain), and BBC Radio DJ and "Lily Allen's famous dad" Johnny Ball (who's from No, and whose favourite hobby is "ass"), benefiting Number Relief — which benefits number related charities such as "Five Aid" and "Digits Sans Frontiers".
- In the aforementioned tour, Julie and Simon are played not by Olivia Colman and Paterson Joseph (their actors in the television series), but by Abigail Burdess and James Bachman; the host explains that they have "regenerated into two slightly less expensive actors".
- Carol gets Numberwang before the game even begins, during banter with the host about her children, 2, 5 and 7... and 6 and 3.
- In a subtle Countdown joke, the host asks Carol for "two from the top and one from the bottom" (1, 7, and 250)
- This exchange:Johnny: Pi and a bit?
Host: Do you mean 3.15?
Johnny: Of course.
Carol: A bit of pi?
Host: [holds up slice of pie] Do you mean this?
Host: That's Numberwang!
- Carol guesses "5 and a neck", which has to go to their "independent adjudicator" Professor Stephen Blake for review. He then gets murdered, and the host takes this as a no.
- The No Numbers round, in which the contestants score No-Numberwangs by saying things that aren't numbers. "Anti-six" and "Not-nine" are considered correct, but "Brazil" is considered a number, as in the popular phrase "Brazil Britons are feared to be among the dead."
- Round 4 is an in memoriam segment that pays tribute to the numbers that left us during 2007, including 6 to the power of three quarters, 12 with a hat on the one, 1972, Stephen Blake, and nought.
- Going into the final round, the host initially claims Carol is on 3 and Johnny is trailing on 92,743,528.6.
- In Wangernumb, the game is NumberFlan (every time you score, you throw a plate of custard pie into your face. First to get through them all wins). The host suddenly becomes a Jerkass who makes no secret of his favouritism toward Carol, to the point that he lets her win by giving her double points for saying "hockey" ("I don't care if that's wrong, it's NumberFlan in my book"), and rudely interjecting Johnny to give her a "triple NumberFlan bonus".
- And because it's a charity edition, the host decides to eat the prize money instead of giving it to Carol.
- First game:
- Although the games of Numberwang between Julie and Simon were retired as a recurring sketch after the first series, the second series featured several sketches based around Numberwang.
- A spoof trailer for The Numberwang Code, with David Mitchell as Tom Hanks and Robert Webb as Ian McKellen. In one scene, closer inspection of The Last Supper reveals that Jesus and the disciples are having Chinese takeaway - specifically, chicken in black bean sauce with a side of egg fried rice, also known as a number 37 with a side order of 14... which makes Numberwang."Ian McKellen": The world is full of numbers. Everywhere you look, on buses, speed limit signs, inside shoes... even in the phone book.
"Tom Hanks": [looking up from a phone book] I never realised...
"Ian McKellen": But are the numbers on the side of good... or evil?
"Tom Hanks": I thought they said all numbers were neutral.
"Ian McKellen": They lied, Charles! They lied!
"Tom Hanks": ...Sorry, who's Charles?
"Ian McKellen": You are.
- A spoof trailer for The Numberwang Code, with David Mitchell as Tom Hanks and Robert Webb as Ian McKellen. In one scene, closer inspection of The Last Supper reveals that Jesus and the disciples are having Chinese takeaway - specifically, chicken in black bean sauce with a side of egg fried rice, also known as a number 37 with a side order of 14... which makes Numberwang.
- The Official Numberwang Play Numberwang at Home Numberwang Board Game, which allows fans to avoid falling afoul of the complicated copyright law that would ordinarily send them to prison for playing Numberwang at home. Includes hosting assessories, two 400 sided dice (looking like golf balls, although they are apparently not to scale according to the fine print), a rotating board, and a 37-volume Ruleswang rule book with each volume being the size of a large dictionary. Ideal for ages from 8 to 88!Father: Sorry Nan. (covers her head with a paper bag saying "NO")
- At the start of the sketch:Timmy: Why don't we play Cucumberwang?
Father: No Timmy, because that would be shit.
- At the start of the sketch:
- The History of Numberwang documentary, culminating in the homicidal rampage of the Numberwang computer Colosson, who is determined to destroy everything that isn't Numberwang - including television. The documentary includes clips of a pre-Colosson version of Numberwang in which whether or not a given number is Numberwang was worked out by hand and could take hours (leading the host to go to a musical interlude in which he hums God Save the Queen - causing the researchers to stand, without missing a beat in their work), and the first Colosson version presented by Robert Webb as Call My Bluff host Robert Robinson.
- The Official Numberwang Play Numberwang at Home Numberwang Board Game, which allows fans to avoid falling afoul of the complicated copyright law that would ordinarily send them to prison for playing Numberwang at home. Includes hosting assessories, two 400 sided dice (looking like golf balls, although they are apparently not to scale according to the fine print), a rotating board, and a 37-volume Ruleswang rule book with each volume being the size of a large dictionary. Ideal for ages from 8 to 88!
- The snooker commentators also get a good one, when a player not noted for his calm disposition loses a frame due to a fluke shot: "Oh my God, he's fluked it! Barry Drebins has fluked a pot, and he's as good as dead!!!"Ted: And isn't it nice to see Barry Evans take time out to apologise to his opponent for his good fortune.
Peter: It's a comprehensive apology, Ted, which is understandable when you look at Terry McCarthy... who has gone very still.
- Said ill-tempered snooker player is considered a "colourful, big-hearted, big-fisted credit to the sport" by those in the snooker community for several reasons... most of them apparently to do with fear.Peter: You can see the frustration on Terry McCarthy's face as he returns to his seat.
Ted: Not a look to be taken lightly... especially at around two in the morning on the streets of Derby, if the media's to be believed.
Peter: Well, Terry is no stranger to adversity. Particularly in the form of the police. And he has spoken publicly, in moving terms, about that guy he cut.
Ted: I think he was right to put an end to the speculation, and it does sound to me like that guy he cut was basically asking for it.
Peter: Which is not to condone Terry's actions—
Ted: Terry's lightning-fast reactions.
Peter: It's not to condone it in any way when we say it was that other guy's fault.
Ted: Certainly in the eyes of snooker, if not as it transpires those of so-called British justice.
Peter: I think the thing to remember here Ted is that both men involved are sorry. Terry has said publicly that he's sorry, and that other guy... well, he's bound to be sorry, isn't he. Every time he looks in the mirror.
- The Dog Poker sketches, featuring the same commentators... in dog costumes. And utterly bored with the whole thing. It'd be sad if it weren't so funny.Yes. Late Night Dog Poker. Rejected by the BBC, and commissioned by Dave.
- Not to mention during the dog poker, Peter questions whose money exactly the dogs are betting with.Ted: That's not clear, Peter. That's one of the many things about this show that's just not clear.
- There's also their conversation about a washed-up player who's made several bad investments of late.Peter: Well, he's certainly been struggling for form.
Ted: He's been struggling for money, is what he's been struggling for, Peter. And he's not earning any sitting there watching a much younger man clear up.
Peter: Yes, young Terry Stevens there, potting away like the whole world's made of pocket.
Ted: While Jimmy there is out of pocket. In more ways than one.
[Ted and Peter begin falling over themselves with a truly absurd amount of laughter, made even better by the fact that they would be roaring if they weren't massive chain-smokers, but are instead wheezing emphysemically like men at death's door.]
Peter: Out... of pocket!!
Ted: Yes, that was a good one.
- Said ill-tempered snooker player is considered a "colourful, big-hearted, big-fisted credit to the sport" by those in the snooker community for several reasons... most of them apparently to do with fear.
- Raymond Terrific, host of Big Talk, has a number of these, but this (when dealing with the question of "Is there a God?") takes the cake:Tim: Well, there is no yes or no answer, and...
Raymond: WHAT!? I can think of two yes or no answers just off the top of my head!
- Then, for Comic Relief, it's made into Small Talk, and Raymond makes absolutely no secret of much he hates the format change.
- The conspiracy sketches, where three people sit down and plan out a conspiracy (faking the moon landings, Roswell and the death of Diana) while pointing out all of the absurdity involved, but in particular:"I think we should also perfom an autopsy on the aliens, and then tell no one the results."
"Yes, and just to make absolutely sure no one finds out, we should film it."
- "I hate to be a wet blanket, but... why are we doing this?"
- The "Incredibly Posh Person Who Unaccountably is Still A Waiter", the "Incredibly Sinister and Twisted Person Who Unaccountably Is Still A Vicar" and the "Incredibly Posh And Aristocratic People Who Unaccountably Sells Clothes". It may be pretty much the same joke each time, but it's still funny, helped by David Mitchell's performances.Woman: Excuse me, what happened to the incredibly nice Australian girl with the colourful jumper we met last week?
Incredibly Sinister Vicar: She's gone, child. They're all gone, banished by the bishop! I know where they're going eventually. In the meantime, Daventry!
- The Incredibly Posh Person Who Unaccountably is Still a Waiter refuses to let the couple see his manager.Incredibly Posh Waiter: How could I possibly introduce you to the manager? You're not wearing a tie, and you're holding your ladle like a pencil!
- "My, my, it's like watching The Generation Game. I expect that's a reference you get!"
- The Incredibly Posh Person Who Unaccountably is Still a Waiter refuses to let the couple see his manager.
- When it's not crossing a line twice, The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!
- Sir Digby and Ginger stealing a Bunsen burner and a few other Science equipment from a local school.Ginger: I think we've got the makings of crystal meths here, sir!
Sir Digby: It's gonna be an Easter weekend to remember!
- Sir Digby and Ginger stealing a Bunsen burner and a few other Science equipment from a local school.
- The Quiz Broadcast sketches, when they're not being disturbing, or traumatic (Remain Indoors).
- The discussion on Sheila having a Tesco logo tattooed on her head (for religious reasons)Sheila: We don't want The Event happening again.
Host: (chuckling) We certainly don't. God, imagine The Event happening again... (to audience) No! Do not imagine The Event happening again! It will cause distress! The Event is in the past!
- The Questions round:Host: Pre-Event sources talk about "hope". What was hope?
Peter: Is it a spice?
Host: What's a spice?
Peter: I think it's an animal...
- "Is this a trick question?" "It is." *Sheila screams in terror and runs away*
- "It can be a book, a film, or even a song." "What is a book, a film or even a song?" "We don't know."
- The Clip:Host: Have a look at this clip. (holds up a paperclip)
Peter: (who is blind) ... I can't.
- "You may remember last week's contestants, Peter, and Sheila, whom you are also permitted to remember."
- In the second-to-last episode, the Host remains oblivious to the fact the new guest who keeps staring at the floor is not what he seems.Host: And we have a newcomer to the show. Wh-what's your name?
Guest: Why do you want to know...?
- And as the topic of Them moves on:Host: Have any of Them got in?
Guest: (raises his head, revealing he's got pale skin and deep red eyes) Yes.
Host: I'm sorry, but the correct answer is that, to date, thankfully, none of Them have got in.
Guest: (sporting a Slasher Smile) That's not the right answer...
- And as the topic of Them moves on:
- The discussion on Sheila having a Tesco logo tattooed on her head (for religious reasons)
- The Helivets sketches in general, but especially the one where Robert Webb's character blows up a goldfish and explodes it in front of his face.
- The Dead British Actors sketch, in which two feuding actors are cast in the same play as Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, under the condition that they alternate roles each night. Their rivalry turns increasingly physical.
- "So you see, Watson, my unique powers of observation..." *smashes glass vase over Watson's head*
- "Well, I don't know how much the audience picked up." And the next scene has Holmes (now played by Webb) kicking Watson's crutch (because his leg's broken) and then continuing to beat him up.
- Then they make a film of a Holmes story, in which they alternate roles between shots, thereby flushing continuity down the toilet.
- Though it doesn't get properly ludicrous until David Mitchell starts talking to David Mitchell.
- We then get Webb!Holmes lightly bopping Mitchell!Watson on the forehead with his pipe, like the original stage production... prompting the two to come to blows, with Holmes putting Watson into a headlock. They then go through the door, and it's now Mitchell!Holmes with a headlock on Webb!Watson, matching the characters actions to the actors'.
- The very next scene shows that their children took on the roles in the film, with Mitchell and Webb acting as a conjoined maid.
- The very first sketch of the show, featuring two Nazis who suddenly start questioning the skull motifs on their caps.
- As we meet our "heroes", Hans (Robert) is on the phone and his comrade Erichnote (David) is looking at his cap.Hans: Very well. (hangs up) They're coming. Now we'll see how these Russians deal with a crack SS division.
Erich: (putting his cap on) Er.... Hans....
Hans: Have courage, my friend!
Erich: Yeah. Er.... Hans, I've just noticed something.
Hans: (looking through binoculars) These Communists are all cowards!
Erich: Have you looked at our caps recently?
Hans: (lowers binoculars) Our caps?
Erich: The badges on our caps. Have you looked at them?
Hans: What?... No... A bit.
Erich: ...They've got skulls on them.
Erich: Have you noticed our caps have actually got little pictures of skulls on them?
Hans: Er... I don't, erm...
Erich: Hans... are we the baddies?
- Later, Erich still can't get over the fact that the skulls seem to imply that he and Hans are on the wrong side of good and evil:Hans: Well — maybe they're the skulls of our enemies!
Erich: Maybe. But is that how it comes across? I mean, it doesn't say next to the skull, y'know, "Yeah, we killed him, but trust us, this guy was horrid"!
Hans: Well, no, but—
Erich: I mean, what do skulls make you think of? Death. Cannibals. Beheading. Erm... pirates...
Hans: (brightening) Pirates are fun!
Erich: I didn't say we weren't fun, but, fun or not, pirates are still the baddies. I just can't think of anything good about a skull!
Hans: What about pure Aryan skull shape?
Erich: Even that is more usually depicted with the skin still on! Whereas the Allies—
Hans: Oh, you haven't been listening to Allied propaganda? Of course they're gonna say we're the bad guys!
Erich: But they didn't get to design our uniforms! And their symbols are all, y'know, quite nice! Stars, stripes, lions, sickles...
Hans: What's so good about a sickle?
Erich: Well, nothing, obviously, and if there's one thing we've learned in the last thousand miles of retreat, it's that Russian agriculture is in dire need of mechanisation!
Hans: Tell me about it!
Erich: But you've gotta say, it's better than a skull! I mean, I really can't think of anything worse, as a symbol, than a skull!
Hans: (thinks) A rat's.... anus?
Erich: Yeah. And if we were fighting an army marching under the banner of a rat's anus, I'd probably be a lot less worried, Hans!
(Hans puts a cigarette in his mouth and sets down an ashtray — shaped like a skull. As he absorbs this, he and Erich see one of their comrades drinking out of a mug with a skull on the side, and another knitting a scarf with a skull pattern)
Hans: ...Okay. So... (he and Erich suddenly bolt from the table and run for it)
- As we meet our "heroes", Hans (Robert) is on the phone and his comrade Erichnote (David) is looking at his cap.
- What I Reckon. Especially for regular readers of spEak You're bRanes.
- The Agent Suave sketch, which is essentially a Casino Royale (2006) spoof set in a casino where all the games are typical village fete things like 'guess the weight of a fruitcake', is entirely one of these.
- "THE LIGHTS ARE GOING OUT ALL OVER TELEVISION!"
- Queen Victoria's objection to the American Ambassador's gift of 20,000 linden trees... and the reason behind her objection — they smell like cum. And the Prime Minister's response to her objection."Do you know how hot I am? Under this hat? With this beard? This big Victorian beard, your majesty? I am boiling! I am covered in starch, and I am boiling, and I can barely move at home for little vases on stands or portraits of ill children praying! And what has been the point? What really has been the point of the last fifty years of being a Victorian if Queen Victoria herself is going to suddenly sidle over and ask me "can I smell cum"!
- The "Posh Dancing" sketch, where Mr. Darcy says what we've all been thinking.Elizabeth: I confess I did not know.
Caroline: In faith, what would appear to be the summation of all that you "do not know", Miss Bennet, would make for quite th—
Darcy: Oh, Caroline, would you PLEASE shut the FUCK UP!?!
- A 'behind the scenes' sketch where David and Robert are plotting the order of the sketches and where the 'miss' sketches should be arranged around the 'hit' ones (in reference to the common sketch-show criticism that the sketches are always 'hit-and-miss'), before it becoming a meta-take on the common criticisms they receive. It ends like this:Robert: [Very smugly] And people call us smug!
[Both sit looking absurdly smug.]
- Coverage Of People Buying A House And Then Living In It, a parody of property shows. The host (David) and prospective buyer Geoff (Robert) clearly realise just how mundane the process is and make no attempt to disguise their boredom at having to make a television programme about it.(the Host and Geoff are standing in front of a suburban home)
Host: Hello, and welcome back to Coverage Of People Buying A House And Then Living In It. So, Geoff, you want to buy a house, here's a house, what do you think?
Geoff: (nods) Yeah.
Host: D'you like the house?
Geoff: Yeah, 's fine.
Host: Will Geoff be able to buy the house that's fine of his dreams, yes he will, it's in budget, isn't it Geoff.
Host: That was not a close one.
Host: We'll be catching up with Geoff when he's bought his house, which is (jump cut to the host and Geoff in the front hallway of the house) now, Geoff, you're now living in your house.
Host: What's that like?
Geoff: 'S all right, just doing a bit of DIY, putting some shelves up, but nothing major.
Host: We'll be catching up with Geoff's attempt to live his "having things on shelves" dreams (jump cut; the host and Geoff have swapped places and there is now a shelf on the hallway wall with a jar on it) now, how are the shelves?
Host: Well, that's fascinating. So, to sum up, Geoff, who you don't know, has bought a house and is now living in it, having put up some shelves, and I think we can all agree that that's basically a good thing. Join me next week when I'll be presenting Coverage Of People Renting A Flat And Then Going To The Shops To Buy Some Food To Eat In It.
- And Coverage of People Who Are Ill In Hospital Receiving Treatment. The host has the same tone of aggressive boredom he had for the property show.Host: Dave, you're ill.
Dave: That's right, I've got gallstones.
Host: They've been taken out?
Host: They been removed but everything wonderful?
Dave: No, a nurse fingered me.
[after a cutaway of less than a minute]
Host: Thanks Julie. Now, we've had a bit of a cock-up here and Dave is dead. Here is Dave.
- The cutaway itself is of Jillian talking with a man called Chris, who's broke his arm.Jillian: How'd you break your arm, Chris?
Chris: (shrugs apathetically) Jus' broke.
Jillian: That's an interesting story. And they're going to put it in plaster later?
Chris: That is the plan, yeah.
- And Coverage of People Who Are Ill In Hospital Receiving Treatment. The host has the same tone of aggressive boredom he had for the property show.
- "Brain Surgery", a sketch that's ridiculously funny even though you can see the punchline a mile away (as the audience clearly does).[after several minutes of brain surgeon Lionel patronising other guests at a party for having jobs that aren't "exactly brain surgery", he is introduced to latecomer Geoff]
Woman: Oh, Geoff, they keep you late at the space centre? (audience laugh over Geoff's line) Have you met Lionel?
Geoff: Er, no, hello Lionel.
Lionel: So, Geoff, how do you earn a crust?
Geoff: Well, I'm a scientist, I work mainly with rockets. (more laughter) It's... it's, erm, pretty tough work. What do you do?
Lionel: [haughtily] Well, I don't mean to boast, but, er, I'm a brain surgeon.
Geoff: Brain surgery. [sips his glass of champagne] Not exactly rocket science, is it?
- The Lazy Writers doing a science-fiction show.Female ensign: Captain! The little green men have made a hole in the silver wall with their laser thingy, and now the space is getting in!
Captain: Quick! Everyone put on those special motorcycle helmets we use for breathing! We're humans — we breathe air, not space!
- The Green Clarinet.
- I... wet the bed until I was twelve, until I was twelve, until I was twelve. I wet the bed until I was twelve, I had wet legs in the morning!
- I secretly harbour racist views, racist views, racist views. I secretly harbour racist views, I don't think Asians drive well!
- The scene where the Green Clarinet Man demands Alan to give him the Green Clarinet:The Green Clarinet Man: I warned you, I told you to be careful but you have abused the green clarinet. Now you must pay the price, you must give back the Green Clarinet.
Alan: No way!
The Green Clarinet Man: Then I shall take it from you.
(Alan slaps him)
The Green Clarinet Man: Ow! You can't do that! I'm the Green Clarinet Man!
(Alan proceeds to play the Green Clarinet)
The Green Clarinet: You think you're magic but look like a twat, look like a twat...
The Green Clarinet Man: [singing and dancing] ...I think I'm magic but I look like a twat, my mum has made my costume!
The Green Clarinet: You scratch your arse and sniff your hand, sniff your hand...
The Green Clarinet Man: ...I scratch my arse and sniff my hand. I find the smell erotic!
The Green Clarinet: You're not allowed near local schools, near local schools, near local schools...
The Green Clarinet Man: ...I'm not allowed near local schools. The probation service tagged me! [Proceeds to run away crying]
- Then when Alan decides to use the clarinet again at the restaurant:Alan: Today I think I'll have a free meal.
Waiter: I think not, sir.
Alan: Hm, but you forget I have a green clarinet that makes you tell embarrassing truths.
Waiter: Ah, yes, but now I have a red tuba, which makes you shit yourself! [proceeds to blow a long loud note]
- Rob's idea to make the doorbell obsolete. The best part is David's eerily calm tone as he explains why the positives (knowing who's at the door before you answer it) may be outweighed by the negatives ("A broken window, a dead or severely injured dog, the need to carry a large cannon around with you, not to mention the possiblity that you're intending to visit several houses and will need to carry several dogs.") It's nothing like the indignant ranting we've come to expect from him, but it's no less hilarious.
- The historical recreationist's sketch."STOP! ...It's racist. It's really, really racist."
- The Caveman Police sketch.Caveman: Sometimes I think the whole advance into stone technology has been a bit of a double-edged sword.
Ursula: A what?
Ursula: No, what did you just say?
Caveman: I've no idea.
- Pretty much all of the Sunday Chill-Out Sensation DVD. But especially the ending.DVD: That Sunday Sensation Chill-out. Brought to you by your robot overlords.
Robot: Nice cup of tea, puny humans?
- The iBag. Which is exactly what it sounds like.
- The terrible dancing. It has to be seen to be believed.
- "Complete isolation. Sorry, what's that? I'm in a bag."
- Robert Webb's banana dancing.
- The World War II documentary about radar, in which the professor flails his arms about every more dramatically as he emphasizes every single word. The director tries having him put his hands in his pockets (he flails his arms around inside the jacket) and then having two production assistants keep his hands tied behind his back (he breaks free of the ropes). Finally he ties the professor to a handtruck, but he ends up jerking his head around in the same way.
- Then there's the final part of the sketch (which is available as a Deleted Scene from the Series 2 DVD), where the director breaks down in tears after successfully making the professor stay completely still.
- Jesus tells the story of the Good Samaritan, and his audience is offended by the Unfortunate Implications.Disciple: So what Im finding offensive and Im sure Im not the only one is your unreflecting acceptance of this cliché that all Samaritans are wankers.Jesus: No, Im saying he was good!Disciple: Yeah, but youre implying that the fact that he was good is worth a story in itself. Its some kind of weird curiosity, like an albino Nubian.Jesus: No, Im saying that goodness comes in unexpected places.Disciple: Yeah, and Im saying that the fact that you wouldnt expect goodness from a Samaritan betrays your inherent racism.Jesus: Ha, ha, OK, OK. Alright, thats a big word. Lets just take a deep breath here. I didnt mean to offend anybody; thats the last thing I intended. Um, I didnt realise there were any Samaritans in the room.Disciple: Now, thats not the point!Jesus: Or Samaritan sympathisers you know, Sammy loversDisciple: Aww, I cant believe Im hearing this.Jesus: No, no, no, no. I didnt realise it was such a PC environment here and I suppose I thought that having what was only intended as a fond pop at our Samaritan neighbours, friends even, if you like, would not be inappropriate in the context of a story which is after all about goodness, and at the end of the day, it is only a parable.Disciple: What? It didnt really happen?Jesus: Of course not. A Samaritan tosser wouldnt do that for his own grandma!
- The Everything is Fine sketch, which is pretty much the same gag repeated for two minutes, parodying the usual new habit of dramaticising horrible events by completely underplaying them.Newsreader: -destroying at least three buildings, and causing major loss of life. If you are just tuning in, the news is that everything is now fine after a major incident.Reporter-on-the-scene: (standing in front of a building with smoke coming out of it) No, no new fatalities. Everyone who was injured is now recovering or dead, because as I have said, everything is now fine.
- The advertisement for "Cressps", a product that are crisps made from cress (the "healthiest food in the world" apparently), and according to Webb's character he can eat as many cressps as he likes whilst getting healthier. Then there's the ending which features a parody of the Pringles slogan.Announcer: Cressps: once you Cressp, you just can't Splessp!Mitchell's character: That doesn't make any sense.Webb's character: (spitting out the cressps) OH GOD THEY'RE HORRID!
- "Marmits": gloves that taste like marmite but aren't actually edible.Man: This glove tastes like marmite! (proceeds to choke)
Bystander: Are you okay?
Man: I'm choking!
Announcer: Marmits: The glove that isn't suitable for human consumption.
(the man collapses onto the ground)
Bystander: I think he's dead...
- The Avocado Bathroom sketch where the homebuyer and the host have an argument on the colour of the bath, but particularly the part when the host loses it at the couple when they've mentioned about the bath being green:
- The newscasters for What's Your Reckon interrupting their regular report for unusual news:I'm sorry, I'm going to have to stop you there, as we're just receiving news of the invasion of Earth by an unknown but powerfully aggressive race of aliens.
- The entire sketch where David Mitchell and Robert Webb are given action figures of themselves, especially the Lampshade Hanging on their careers and personality.
- Angel Summoner and BMX Bandit.Angel Summoner: (after BMX Bandit outlines a scheme to disable a bunch of criminals with his bike) Right... or I could just summon a bunch of angels.
BMX Bandit: But then how would I be using my BMX?
Angel Summoner: You wouldn't need to, the angels would just take care of everything.
- The final sketch, as BMX Bandit tries to make a long jump that no human could actually make.BMX Bandit: This is the longest jump I, or anyone else, has ever made on a BMX unai-... oh, I get it. You shit!
- The final sketch, as BMX Bandit tries to make a long jump that no human could actually make.
- The Evil Voice.
- "Ah always know ah have caught ze culprit once they do ze Evil Voice. It nevair lies!"
- Vauron admitting that, up until Susan did the Evil Voice, he'd had no evidence whatsoever. "It has been a hell of a week, to be honest with you."
- "Have her tits just got bigger?" "Zis can happen."
That Mitchell And Webb Sound
- From the radio, series 4 has a version of Gardener's Question Time, wherein all the questions asked are inane or completely unrelated to gardens, just given the qualifiers "in a garden". When the Only Sane Man is given a question about gardens, it's shot down.Present: No! Do not answer that question, it has nothing to do with gardens. Barbara, you stupid cow!
Barbara: What if it was in a garden?
Present: No, we're not interested in hypotheticals!
- From the radio show, the Crying Wolf sketch:Prosecutor: The moral of the story is that if you have grounds to believe there is a ferocious predator at large, don't appoint as your sole watchmen a 12-year old child you have elected to ignore.
Shepherd: Bloomin' nanny state.
- From the radio series, one sketch in series 4 has a man at a pet center trying to describe a cat to another man who has no idea what cats are.Man at Pet Center: Picture where you're living now.
Clueless Man: Okay.
Man at Pet Center: Now imagine a cat there.
Clueless Man: And this cat, will it move constantly or intermittently?
Man at Pet Center: Intermittently.
Clueless Man: And the goal is to keep the cat alive?
- The conversation soon moves on to the topic of keeping cats alive:
Man at Pet Center: I suppose.
Clueless Man: You make it sound like that's impossible.
Man at Pet Center: Well, no previous cat has lived forever.
- "Coverage Of People Looking For A House Where One Person Wants To Live In One Country And The Other Wants To Live In A Different Country Who Have Perversely Decided Not To Get Divorced". Same basic joke as "People Buying A House", only skewing A Place In The Sun.Host: So, Steve and Trish, I've spent a month showing you three houses in Dorking and three in the Bahamas and the Mystery House which is in the Bahamas. Where do you want to live?
Steve: I want to live in the Bahamas.
Trish: I want to live in the mystery house.
Host: See, Steve, Trish is willing to compromise.
Steve: The mystery house is in Dorking.
Voiceover: And since this program has been made, they've put up an offer for a house in Dorking.
- And then there's "Coverage of People Following The Wills Of Those Who Died In Testate":Host: (on an elderly lady) So, was she much loved?
Man: Well, you can say that on the program, but it's patently not true.
Host: We're catching up with his neighbour. Was the old man much loved?
- And following up on an old man:
Neighbour: Nah, he was a racist.
- The "Story of the Gays" sketch, wherein a bunch of Channel 4 executives gather together to make a blatant rip-off of Simon Schama's The Story of the Jews.Executive: You think our response to Professor Simon Schama's The Story of the Jews should be "Alan Carr's The Story of the Gays"?
Executive 2: It would be very... us?
Executive: David has always been particularly difficult to watch, even at the best of times, and we always sort of assumed that was why people did it, they enjoyed the challenge, as it were.
- They eventually contact Alan Carr. He passes because it's "too frivolous". David Starkey contacts them, wanting to do his own version... "The Story of the Blacks". Much shots at Starkey follow.
Executive 3: I have an idea.
- Eventually, a particularly ditzy exec suggests a solution to the problem of Starkey, who is white, doing a program about black people.
Executive: Is it what I think it is?
Executive 3: ... yes.
Executive: Then no.