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The Snooker Commentators

    Ted & Peter 

Ted Wilkes & Peter DeCoursey

A pair of alcoholic, chain-smoking snooker commentators. They tell insensitive stories about the players, bringing up things such as one player's attempts at suicide, rather than focusing on the game (other than Ted's occasional comment of "That's a bad miss!"). They also drink heavily, handing each other pitchers of beer or drinking shot after shot throughout the sketch.


  • The Alcoholic: They are incapable of going through a match without some kind of beverage. Shots, whiskey, wine, their own urine, they're not picky. During the Dog Poker sketches, they're forced to go without, to their continuing horror.
  • Ambiguously Gay: Early on, much of their monologues suggest they are gay. Peter in fact does turn out to be gay. Ted goes to some lengths insisting he isn't gay. While maintaining Not That There's Anything Wrong with That.
  • Catchphrase: "Oh, and that's a bad miss." Which is invariably delivered by Ted.
  • Dirty Old Man: Both come across as extremely lecherous.
  • Drunken Master: Utterly, utterly averted. They spent most of their championship smashed, but it just meant they spent most of the two weeks they played either staring into space or trying to remember how to play.
  • Heterosexual Life-Partners: Even though Peter is gay, he doesn't fancy Ted in that way, so it counts.
  • How the Mighty Have Fallen: Once they were the two champions of a world snooker tournament (if only because all the more successful players had died in a freak accident), by the fourth series they've been reduced to hosting Dog Poker due to scandal and insulting people they shouldn't have.
  • Jaded Washout: Their Glory Days are long, long behind them, and apparently weren't all that glorious to begin with (seeing as they only made it to the World Championships because every other player that year died in a freak accident). Now, they spend their time in the commentary booth, drinking, chain-smoking, eating cheap fast food and making snide, passive aggressive comments about all the players.
  • Never My Fault: Part of the reason they got busted down to Late Night Dog Poker was because Ted tried to sexually assault a woman. When Peter brings this up, Ted just calls her a lesbian.
  • O.O.C. Is Serious Business: At one point Peter notices a fluke shot, and suddenly becomes tremendously animated.
    Oh my god, he fluked it! Barry Drebins has fluked a shot and he's as good as dead''.
  • Oop North: Have strong northern accents.
  • Politically Incorrect Hero: Most of their social attitudes date back to the 1970s-1980s, and it shows. They do at times make vague, well-meaning attempts to get up to date when it comes to things such as homosexuality, though not entirely successfully:
    Peter: Bit of a first for a quarter-final at the Crucible here, in that both Lawrence Caswell and, indeed, his opponent Mike Sylvester are, with the best will in the world, queer.
    Ted: Well, Peter, I'm not sure that's quite the PC term...
    Peter: It is, Ted; I've checked.
    Ted: Well, I'm just gonna call them 'homos' to be on the safe side.
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The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

    Sir Digby 

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

Played By: Robert Webb

A drunken, drug-addled psychotic tramp, who seems to be under the delusion that he is a brilliant and intrepid secret agent or adventurer.


  • Affably Evil: For a deeply deluded, insane tramp, he's a rather affable chap.
  • The Alcoholic: He has a multitude of addictions, the most prominent being alcohol.
  • Crazy Homeless Person: Digby is a deeply deluded, psychotic addict.
  • Dirty Coward: Frequently flees leaving Ginger in dangerous situations.
  • Friend to All Children: He's surprisingly kind to and sane around the little girl he mistakes for the queen. Though not as much to kids whose party he ruined.
  • Gentleman Adventurer: What he believes himself to be. He... really isn't.
  • Karma Houdini: Ultimately never seen getting any comeuppance for his behaviour, or ruining Ginger's life.
  • Never My Fault: When asked who'd stabbed Ginger, he declares "Al Capone", when it was in fact, Sir Digby.
  • The Paranoiac: Is convinced any setback he encounters, either from the authorities or people just taking to exception to his behaviour, is the work of his "nemesis".
  • Poisonous Friend: To Ginger, who he abuses, places in danger, almost kills through sheer thoughtlessness, and whose life he has ruined and continues to ruin, very deliberately.
  • Wrong Genre Savvy: He's convinced he's some kind of dramatic adventurer, answering to heads of state, when in fact he's just a drug-addled maniac.
  • Villain Protagonist: Sir Digby frequently steals from people, including on one occasion tying up an old lady, taking her TV and threatening to "come back" if she keeps protesting.

    Ginger 

Ginger/Guy Reilly

Played By: David Mitchell

Sir Digby's much-abused companion Ginger. Is actually a man called Guy Reilly, who has been dragged into homelessness by Sir Digby, and actually has a wife and daughter, who're wondering where he is.

  • Dark and Troubled Past: If he's to be believed, his father was violently abusive at the best of times. Note the "if".
  • Made of Iron: While his explanation for it is questionable, Ginger definitely can withstand asphyxiating himself.
  • Shout-Out: Possibly to Ginger, a tramp off Stone Cold.
  • Undying Loyalty: To Sir Digby, who in return brutalises, humiliates, and mistreats Ginger on a regular basis, and on occasion leaves Ginger to be arrested by the police.
  • Yank the Dog's Chain: Just as he gets his life around and kicks his alcohol addiction, and a few hours before he's due to reunite with his family, Sir Digby tricks him into drinking some booze, instantly causing him to revert back to being Ginger.

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The Quiz Broadcast

    The Host 

The Host

Played By: David Mitchell

  • Action Survivor: He survived The Event without any serious injury, the outbreak of at least two diseases and the arrival of Them.
  • Catchphrase: "Hello, good evening, and remain indoors!"
  • Mood-Swinger: Frequently, due to his Stepford Smiler tendencies, he'll go from downbeat back to desperately happy again.
  • Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!: His making Sheila answer a question she couldn't have said "no" to gets her killed.
  • Stepford Smiler: Like pretty much everyone who lived through The Event. It slips on occasion, like when he delivers a message to Them, and as the situation degrades gets worse and worse.
    ''We've received a message from Them! Apparently several of Them watch and enjoy the show. And of course, if any of Them are watching, we say: Leave us be! For god's sake, why can't you leave us alone?!

    Peter 

Peter

Played By: Robert Webb

  • Action Survivor: He survived The Event without any serious injury, the outbreak of at least two diseases and the arrival of Them.
  • Eye Scream: He was blinded by raiders after The Event.
  • Jerkass: During a charades round, he chooses "The Event" as his charade, forcing Sheila to forfeit out of fear.
  • The Lost Lenore: Hinted at, as he ends one broadcast quietly lamenting he can't remember "her" face.

    Sheila 

Sheila

Played By: Sarah Hadland

"We play the game, then the food will come. They wouldn't leave us here..."

  • Broken Bird: Mostly by The Event, although things getting steadily worse breaks her completely.
  • Broken Record: After one horrific incident too many, Sheila snaps completely, and after a voltage-calming session, becomes incapable of saying anything other than "yes", in the exact same way each time.
  • Off with His Head!: Sheila's head is all that's left of her after They eat her corpse.
  • Sanity Slippage: What little sanity she had left vanishes as the show goes on.

    Unknown Male 282 

Unknown Male 282

Played By: James Bachman

  • Broken Bird: The Host figures he's probably "relieving the Event" over and over in his mind.
  • Dropped a Bridge on Him: He dies of a heart attack during the "Sudden Death" round.
  • The Quiet One: He doesn't speak, but he does occasionally make noises.

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Get Me Hennimore!

    Boss 

Mister Boss

Played By: David Mitchell

  • Bad Boss: He's not mean or malicious, but he gives Hennimore confusing instructions frequently.
  • Catchphrase: "On an unrelated note...", used when he's introducing the aspect of whatever he's about to tell Hennimore what to do that will inevitably introduce certain disaster.
  • His Name Really Is "Barkeep": Boss really is his name.
  • Jerkass: In series 4, he's more moronic and jerk-ish toward Hennimore, scolding him for doing things Boss actually told him to do, or forcing him not only to work on Christmas Eve, but force him into filming the Bosses having sex.
  • Never My Fault: When something goes wrong, it's always Hennimore's fault, not his for his poorly thought-out plans or confusing instructions.

    Hennimore 

Montgomery Hennimore

Played By: Robert Webb

  • The Ditz
  • This Is Gonna Suck: Hennimore is just smart enough to realise what his boss's latest series of instructions are going to cause, if not enough to prevent the inevitable disaster.
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