Funny / Die Hard

Specific Film Pages

• Die Hard 2
• Die Hard with a Vengeance
• Live Free or Die Hard
• A Good Day to Die Hard

Spoilers are unmarked!

First Film

• When John looks utterly out of his element when he is using the computer monitor at the front desk of Nakatomi Plaza to see what floor his wife is on (realize that this is 1988):
  John: Cute toy.
  Guard: Yeah, if you ever have to take a leak, it'll even help you find your zipper.
  • And later:
    911 Operator: Attention, whoever you are, this channel is reserved for emergency calls only.
    McClane: No fucking shit, lady! Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?!
  • The operators even sighed when he said that.
• Takagi gets a bit of self-deprecating humor while chatting with John.
  McClane: I didn't realize they celebrated Christmas in Japan.
  Takagi: We're flexible. Pearl Harbor didn't work out, so we got you with tape decks.
• The ominous scene of the terrorists arriving is undercut a bit when its obvious that Eddie (the terrorist that masquerades as a security guard and is walking to the right of Hans) is about to walk right into a wall before the scene cuts away.
• During his frantic running around the upper floors of the building, McClane keeps passing the same private corner in the elevator room where an engineer left a wall covered with Playboy centerfolds. His simple response is "Girls..."
• Every bit when John talks to himself.
  (after John turns the "Holly Gennaro" thing into a heated discussion) "That's great, John, Good job. Very mature."
  (saying what Holly said to him to have him meet up in L.A.) "Come out to the coast! We'll get together, have a few laughs!"
  (Said after witnessing Hans shoot Takagi) "Why the fuck didn't you stop them, John? Because then you'd be dead, too, asshole!"
  (Said while in the middle of a desperate and unlikely Indy Ploy.) "Oh John, what the fuck are you doing?!"
• "Who's driving this car, Stevie Wonder?"
• McClane dropping Marco's body onto Powell's cruiser is comedy gold, especially for Powell's reaction and sudden lack of driving skills. When McClane realizes that Powell is falling for Hans' "false alarm" ruse just like every other cop in LA, the means he chooses of breaking said ruse is waaay funnier than it should be;
  Powell: (singing) Let it snow, let it sno...
  Body of Marco: (drops through windshield of Powell's cruiser)
  Powell: SHITGODDAMMITJESUS H. CHRIST!
  Hans' surviving henchmen: (open fire)
  McClane: Welcome to the party, pal!
  • Also Powell's calling it in (while still under fire) is hilarious...
    Powell: I'm at Nakatomi Plaza taking automatic fire! They're turning my car into Swiss cheese! I need backup assistance now! NOW, GODDAMNIT, NOW!
  • The scene where Argyle is having a one-man party in his limo and talking on his cellphone with the music up, while in the background Powell's car roars by as he's being shot at.
  • And the body that McClane dropped on the hood flies off as Powell hits a bump.
  • Real Life example: the corpse was played by a dummy. Some crewmembers took the car to a McDonald's drive-thru with the body still sticking out of the windshield. And nobody batted an eyelid.
• The Santa hat on Tony's dead body in the elevator takes an epic moment and adds some epic hilarity to it.
  NOW I HAVE A MACHINE GUN HO HO HO
  • Not to mention the way Alan Rickman reads the last part in this incredibly annoyed yet-deadpan manner. "Ho... Ho... Ho."
    • It almost sounds like he's channeling Snape thirteen years early.
    • The fact that he feels the need to read it aloud in the first place, obviously enamored with the sound of his own voice and much to the audience's delight
• Hans decides to buy time against the police by pretending to have terrorist demands for them. The "demands" he makes are for numerous terrorist prisoners around the world to be released (none of whom have any connection to him), including members of the "Asian Dawn" organization. Karl does a double take:
  Karl: [mouthing] Asian Dawn?
  Hans: [shrugs] I read about them in TIME magazine.
  [later...]
  Karl: Do you think they will even try to do it?
  Hans: Who cares?
• While McClane is crawling through an air duct: "Now I know what a TV dinner feels like."
• John verbally bitch-slapping Deputy Chief Robinson when he tries to tell him to back off.
  Robinson: You listen to me, you little asshole. I—
  McClane: Asshole?! I'm not the one who just got butt-fucked on national TV, Dwayne! Now you listen to me, jerkoff, you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. Quit being part of the fucking problem and put the other guy back on!
  • Argyle, who had been listening to the entire conversation, bursting into manic laughter.
  • Immediately before:
    McClane: Is the building on fire?
    Powell: No, but it's gonna need a paint job and a shitload of screen doors.
• When the FBI shuts down the electricity to the building, the electromagnetic seal on the vault is lost, and as it opens, Hans and Theo get looks on their faces that say what they're seeing is beauty incarnate. At that moment, Ode to Joy starts playing.
  • It's made even better by how (deliberately) preposterously overblown the scene is: a lens flare shines over Hans' shoulder like the sun rising, and if you look closely, you can see his hair blowing because of a wind machine.
• Naturally, the gloriously smug Johnsons get it all wrong, with Powell remaining skeptical.
  Big Johnson: Those bastards are probably pissing in their pants right now
  Al: Well, what are we gonna do now, arrest them for not paying the electric bill?
• Much of Theo's dialogue.
  [walking into the building with Karl] "So Kareem rebounds, right? Feeds Worthy on the break, over to A.C., to Magic, then back to Worthy! Right?" [Karl shoots and kills the guard with a shot to the head that is perfectly timed to Theo's speech pause] "Boom! Two points!"
  [SWAT team on camera] "All right, listen up guys. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except... the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation."
  [SWAT APC comes zooming in] "What have we here, gentlemen? The police have themselves an RV."
  [James and Alexander blast the APC with a rocket launcher] "OH MY GOD, the quarterback is TOAST!"
• If you pay attention after Hans shoots Takagi, you can see Karl hand a bill to Theo.
  • Which is foreshadowed moments earlier when Theo mutters "I tooold you" to Karl, who replies "it's not over yet." Implying those two had bet on Takagi's reaction probably during the planning stages. Enhancing it some more, Hans produces a scolding Death Glare during their exchange.
• Like some school principal, Hans reprimands the hostages.
  Hans: I wanted this to be professional. Efficient, adult, cooperative, not a lot to ask. Alas, your Mr. Takagi did not see it that way, so he won't be joining us for the rest of his life.
  • All while casually munching a sandwich.
• When Hans tries to imitate McClane's Catchphrase.
• When the terrorists lock-down the building for the police's initial assault, one of them positions himself in a concession stand to assemble his weapons... and help himself to some candy.
  • The best bit is how he looks around to make sure nobody's watching first. He's already party to murder, terrorism, and is planning to do a lot more. But it's nicking a Nestle Crunch bar that he's worried about people seeing.
  • Even better, this was a Throw It In! improv by the actor, who thought that the scene could use some comic relief.
  • Becomes even funnier at the end of the movie when you realize this was the only successful theft by Hans's crew.
• In two scenes, Argyle talks to the teddy bear in the backseat.
  (talking to John on his cell, but the connection was cut off by the criminals)
  Argyle: (to the bear) You know the number, you call it!
  (finding no way out of the parking garage, he parks his limo and sighs. He looks at his rear view mirror and sees the bear)
  Argyle: Shut up.
• Special Agent Johnson and Agent Johnson. Note: no relation. Followed later by an unheard but implied question when a caller asks if the black Johnson is the one on the phone. "No, the other one."
  • More Johnson and Johnson:
    Big Johnson: YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAA!!! Just like fuckin' Saigon! Eh, slick?
    Little Johnson: (smiles) I was in junior high, dickhead.
• In a scene near the end of the movie, while McClane is walking through the wreckage of the room where the hostages had been kept for most of the movie, an elevator arrives on the floor, complete with chime, then explodes for no reason.
• An apparent throwaway scene has a beautifully condensed Take That! against pundits and anchors; The so-called terrorist expert refers to the "Stockholm Syndrome" as the Helsinki Syndrome, the anchor trying to add context "as in Helsinki, Sweden", gets the country right in his mistake, only to be corrected by the expert, "Finland"^note Helsinki is the capital of Finland, but Stockholm is in Sweden. Cue baffled reactions and facepalms from behind the camera.
  • When the anchor and "expert" are noting that, by this stage, the hostages may presumably be entering the first stages of identifying with their captors... the scene switches to the corpse of Harry Ellis being dragged right by them. They are not identifying with their captors at this stage.
• When Hans stops pretending to be an escaped hostage and points his gun at McClane, John is surprisingly relaxed about the gun in his face, even taunting Hans a bit. Then we get this:
  (Hans pulls the trigger, the gun clicks without firing)
  McClane: Oops.
  (Hans pulls the trigger a few more times, the gun still doesn't fire)
  McClane: (mockingly) No bullets. You think I'm fucking stupid, Hans?
  (Elevator arrives on the floor containing several of Hans's accomplices)
  Hans: You were saying?
  • Before that, Hans pretending to be an escaped hostage, complete with American accent.
    Hans: Oh! Pleaase, God Oh, no! You're one of them, aren't you? You're one of them! Please don't kill me!
• When they first meet, Argyle asks John what's the deal with him and his wife, "Are you divorced? Separated? Did she beat you up?"
• A member of the SWAT team pricking his hand on a rose bush.
• As Gruber and his men head up to Takagi's office on the elevator, Gruber hums a tune, then glances at Takagi.
  Hans: Nice suit. John Philips, London? I have two myself. Rumor has it Arafat buys his there.
  • Added bonus, the tune Hans is humming? Ode to Joy.
• The negotiation between Ellis and Hans. Ellis' hilariously smug attitude and Hans' dismissive deadpan response to him.
  • Just after Ellis introduces himself, there's a hilarious bit of non-verbal dialogue between Karl and Hans; Karl takes one look at Ellis and then turns to Hans, his hand going to the gun hidden at his waist, as if asking "Do you want me to deal with this idiot?"
  • The whole time, Hans has a look on his face that just screams "who the hell is this idiot?"
    Ellis: It's obvious you're not some dumb schmuck up here to snatch a few purses. Am I right?
    Hans: You are very perceptive.
    Ellis: Eh, I watch 60 Minutes, I say to myself, these guys are professional, they're motivated, they're happening, i.e they want something, huh? Now personally, I couldn't care less about your politics. Maybe you're pissed off at the camel jockeys, maybe it's the Hebes, Northern Ireland, it's none of my business. I figure you're here to negotiate, am I right?
    Hans: You're amazing. You figured this all out already?
    (Karl grows silently impatient)
    Ellis: (chuckles) Hey, business is business. You use a gun, I use a fountain pen. What's the difference? Let's put it in my terms: you're here on a hostile takeover, you grab us for some greenmail, but you didn't expect some poison pill was gonna be running around in the building. Am I right? Hans, bubbe... I'm your white knight.
    Hans: (non-plussed): I must have missed 60 Minutes. What are you saying?
  • A bit of fridge humor, but when Ellis is talking to John, Gruber's men pour Ellis a glass of Coke... meaning he probably asked for coke (as in cocaine) but they gave him the wrong kind of coke!
• After Holly goes through almost the film's entire run time after the terrorist takeover without ever seeing John again, he comes walking up to her near the end looking like he just came out of a meat grinder:
  Holly: Jesus!
  John: [deadpan] Hi honey.
• McClane finds some cigarettes on one of the terrorists.
  John: These are very bad for you. (immediately puts one in his mouth and lights up)
• Although he's played mostly to be a complete fool, Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson has a couple of witty comebacks:
  Dwayne T. Robinson: We don't know shit, Powell. If there's hostages, how come nobody's come to us with ransom demands, huh? If there's terrorists in there, where's their list of demands? All we know is that somebody shot your car up. It's probably the same silly son of a bitch you've been talking to on that radio.
  Powell: Excuse me, sir! But what about the body that fell out the window?
  Robinson: Well, who knows? Probably some stockbroker, got depressed.
  
  Powell: [about McClane] In fact, I think he's a cop. Maybe not LAPD, but he's definitely a badge.
  Robinson: How do you know that?
  Powell: A hunch, things he said. Like being able to spot a phony ID.
  Robinson: Jesus Christ, Powell, he could be a fucking bartender for all we know.
  • After watching the helicopter containing Agents Johnson & Johnson get blown up:
    Robinson: [mildly concerned] We're gonna need some more FBI guys, I guess.
  • Made even better by Powell giving him a look that screams, "Are you for real?!"
  • And later, when Hans falls off the building.
    Robinson: Oh, I hope that's not a hostage.
• During the initial failed assault on the building, one of the terrorists opens fires on the LAPD. The SWAT commander passes it off as panic fire, Powell however observes in the most nonchalant manner possible that they're shooting at the spotlights. Not two seconds later, all of them are shot out, to which Dwayne yells "They're going after the lights!" Powell simply rolls his eyes in disgust.
• During the shootout between Hans, Karl, and McClane:
  Hans: ("I had a clever idea-face") Karl, Schieß dem Fenster.
  Karl: (gives Hans a confused look, stays frozen for 5 seconds)
  Hans: (annoyed he has to repeat it) Shoot! The glass!
  • Made funnier with Bilingual Bonus as the German instruction, on top of being grammatically incorrect, seems to imply that the windows be used as a firearm (a correct translation of the English instruction would have been "zerschieß die Fenster").
• "I'M GONNA FUCKIN' KILL YA! I'M GONNA FUCKIN' COOK YA! I'M GONNA FUCKIN' EAT YA!"
• Holly chewing Hans out as nothing more than a thief as he and his men collect the bearer bonds from the vault; her slightly amused grin is what really sells it.
  Holly: After all your posturing... All your little speeches, you're nothing but a common thief.
  Hans: (Slightly agitated) I am an exceptional thief, Mrs. McClane. And since I'm moving up to kidnapping, you should be more polite.
• The look of sheer joy on Argyle's face after he punches out Theo. He looks like a little kid thinking, "I helped!"
• As Tony is taking his time to disable the phone lines electronically, Karl simply walks by, cuts through the lines instead with a chainsaw and walks away smugly. Meticulous mastery of the technical aspects of the problem, or efficient application of violence? Both very German solutions to the problem, but polar opposites.
  Tony: Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein!
• When the rocket launchers are quickly being hauled to an elevator to deal with the police armored vehicle, one guy then curses angrily in German at his cohort for the way the cases were slammed onto the cart. No translation is provided, but we can easily figure exactly what he's angry about and almost exactly what he's saying.
• When Paramount Network announced that it was going to be aired all Christmas day in 2019, we hear an amazing chorus of John's famous quote in the parody of "Hallelujah!"
• The movie ends with Argyle saying "If this is their idea of Christmas, I gotta be here for New Year's."
• After John delivers his iconic "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker" and cuts the communication, Hans' face stays frozen some seconds, trying to process what the hell he has just been told, displaying pure Alan Rickman's style.
  • The original context for the line that subsequent movies lacked makes it just as funny as it is defiantly awesome:
    Hans: "You have me at a loss; you know my name, but who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he's John Wayne? Rambo? Marshal Dillon?"
    John: "Was always partial to Roy Rogers, actually. I really like those sequined shirts."
    Hans: "Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?"
    John: "...Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker."

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