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    In general 
  • Anything Leon says.
  • Anytime Susie gets pissed off.
  • Anytime Larry stares at someone to see if they're lying.
    • The outtakes reel is particularly good, as it shows just how easily it is for the actors to crack each other up while doing this. In one instance, Bob Einstein (Marty) opens his eyes wider during the stare down, prompting Larry to giggle and say how unfair it is to do that.
  • Larry talking to his reflection.

    Season 1 
  • "The Pants Tent": Richard Lewis gets into an argument with Larry and threatens that he better call him by sundown. Larry is amused by this and snarks, "By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper?" Lewis smiles and replies, "That's funny. I'm trying not to laugh, but that's funny. You better call me by sundown." Larry continues: "By sundown? And is a posse gonna come get me?"
  • "Porno Gil": Bob Odenkirk as the titular character, telling an anecdote about how hot sauce stuck in the rectum gets you hard. All the rest of his party guests find the story hilarious, but Cheryl is disgusted:
    Cheryl: (to Larry, after Gil and all the guests went into the other room) I want to leave. NOW.
  • "Beloved Aunt": The obituary typo of "aunt".
    • When Larry spends the night at Jeff's, he is mistaken for feeling up Jeff's mom, and when Jeff finds out, he wakes up Larry:
    Jeff: You gotta go.
    Larry: What?
    Jeff: You gotta go.
    Larry: What are you talking about?
    Jeff: You felt up my mom, you gotta go.
    Larry: I copped a feel off your mom?! What are you saying to me?
    Jeff: She was moping around. I'm saying, "What's the matter?" She said, "Larry touched my bosom for several seconds."
    Larry: You schmuck! Listen to me for a second! We're in the kitchen. She wanted to try on the sunglasses again. She was looking in the toaster and I was holding the toaster she wanted to get a better look at her face in it and she leaned against the back of my hand and so, I didn't want to just turn, I didn't want to hurt her feelings by taking it away fast.
    Jeff: I'm sorry. She's all freaked out. You gotta go.
    Larry: Are you kicking me out?
    Jeff: All right, look, set the alarm. Do you know how to set the alarm?
    Larry: (incensed) She rubbed up against the back of my hand!
    Jeff: I believe you, it's not about that!
    Larry: You think I feel up old ladies?!
    Jeff: It's not about that. You gotta get out of here at 7:00 in the morning.
    Larry: I'll be out of here early in the morning.
    Jeff: Grab a bagel from the kitchen and get out.
    Larry: I won't grab anything, I'll just walk out. Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick.
    Jeff: It's what she thinks, what can I say? Sweet dreams.
    Larry: Sweet dreams. I'll dream about fucking your mother.
  • In "The Interior Decorator", the titular decorator starts a fight with Larry. In the struggle, they end up on the floor with Larry on top of her. She proceeds to make out with him.
  • "The Wire": Larry meets a man who is a big fan of Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and asks Larry to set up a meeting. Cut to later, Larry shouts over an establishing shot of his and Cheryl's house: "FUCK him!"
  • "Affirmative Action": Larry digging through restaurant garbage to find a prescription note. Note 

    Season 2 
  • "The Car Salesman": The Running Gag of everyone calling George Costanza an idiot, which miffs Larry because the character is based on him.
  • "Thor", pretty much all of it. Some context: Jeff is annoyed that his wife (whom he's currently separated from) has all this dirt on him that she can tell her friends, especially material related to the bedroom. Larry says this is why he doesn't reveal any of his own fetishes to Cheryl, for fear that she will use them against him should their relationship turn sour. One day, Larry is driving and he sees Wanda Sykes out walking, so he yells "I'd know that tush anywhere!" This comment comes back to haunt him later, as Cheryl accuses Larry of saying Wanda has a fat ass. Larry defends his comment, as he didn't mean anything derisive about it, and would say the same if she had a small ass. Cheryl then wonders if Larry has a big ass fetish, which Larry vehemently denies, as he doesn't want Cheryl to have any dirt on him. Things get even funnier when Wanda visits the two and busts his chops about his comment, essentially calling him an ass-loving pervert.
    • To say nothing of the subplot where a pro wrestler (which the episode is named after) hassles Larry about making faces and gestures to his kids, and Larry gets even by telling Thor's kids that wrestling is fixed.
    • The subplot where Larry is annoyed at Jason Alexander for always wanting to have meetings at his own office instead of Larry's (so he doesn't have to drive anywhere). Larry was late for a meeting because of traffic, so the "meeting" ended up not discussing the potential TV project but setting up the next meeting instead. Larry argued that it should count anyway:
    Jason: You keep coming back to this insane thing with driving! Driving is not the issue.
    Larry: I think driving is the issue.
    Jason: We had a singular plan! We were gonna have a meeting about the show.
    Larry: So we're having a meeting.
    Jason: You could drive around the world, we still haven't had a meeting!
  • "Trick or Treat": A random stranger asks Larry, "Are you Jewish?" as Larry hums Wagner. The two proceed to get into an argument where he accuses Larry of being a self-loathing Jew.
    Larry: You wanna check my penis? Is that what you wanna do?
    • Later in the episode, Larry finds out where the man lives, so he proceeds to bring in an entire orchestra to his house in the middle of the night to play the song for him as revenge.
  • "The Doll": Larry has to use the bathroom in a guest's house. Said bathroom oddly doesn't have a lock on the door. And the door is really far away from the toilet. Larry contemplating whether he'll be able to reach the toilet while holding the door is priceless.
    Jeff: "Sweet Judy Brown Eyes"! Hooooly shit! (tosses the doll back on the shelf)
    • Pretty much the funniest Susie moment of the series, when Larry and Jeff take the head off Sammi's doll to replace one that Larry cut the hair off of:
    Susie: Where's the head? I know you took the doll's head. Where is it? Where's the fucking head?
    Jeff: I don't know.
    Susie: The kid is home, hysterical because her doll, Judy, has been DECAPITATED, 'cause you two sickos took the head for God knows what reason, some voodoo shit you're doing. Where is it?
    (Larry hesitantly scratches himself)
    Susie: Stop scratching your balls and tell me where it is! (pause) Just get me the fucking head, all right? Both of you, 'cause I've had it, you four-eyed fuck, and you fat piece of shit! GET ME THE HEAD!!!
    • What ends the episode:
    Tara: MOMMY! MOMMY! THAT BALD MAN IS IN THE BATHROOM AND THERE'S SOMETHING HARD IN HIS PANTS!
  • In "Shaq", Larry wants Shaq's doctor to look at something on his back without making an appointment:
    Doctor: What do you do for a living?
    Larry: I'm a writer.
    Doctor: Next time you're in a big hurry, why don't you write me a bunch of shit for free?
    • Late in the episode, Larry is in a good mood because he doesn't have to write a passage for a birthday book, so he orders a "vanilla bullshit" at Starbucks, then when Jeremy tells him he doesn't have to write his letter of recommendation, Larry orders coffee and donuts for the entire restaurant.
  • "The Baptism": Larry confronts a man in the airport who he thinks stole his plane tickets. He got the wrong guy, and even worse, the man was in mourning!
    Chris: (showing him his ticket) What's the name right here? Is it your name? No, it's mine. "Chris Darga." See, if this were yours, it would say "fucking douchebag". (walks away) Asshole.
    Larry: Sorry... about your mother.
    • He tries a second guy, who is far more direct:
    Guy: Go fuck yourself.
    Larry: (sheepishly) Okay.
  • "The Massage": Jeff, on Larry cutting short his massage with a happy ending: "Who stops a whack-off?"

    Season 3 
  • "Benadryl Brownie": After Larry fires a black man who would get his TV to work, he's complaining about it in front of guests. Wanda Sykes calmly walks up to his TV and tells him that he needs to turn the satellite on.
    Wanda: See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on. Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.
  • "Club Soda & Salt": Larry is indifferent on the chef that Ted Danson wants for the restaurant, and has to be the one to say he didn't get the job. Larry's lame reason? The food's "a little saucy."
    Chef Josh: I guess dessert's out of the question.
    Larry: No, I'll still take dessert.
    Jeff: I'll take dessert too.
  • "The Nanny from Hell": Larry complimenting Hugh on his kid's large penis. Needless to say, it doesn't go over well.
  • "The Terrorist Attack": FREAK YOU!
  • "The Special Section": Larry David acting in an amazingly accurate parody of Martin Scorsese mobster flicks.
  • "Krazee-Eyez Killa": Larry refuses to take a house tour:
    Susie: So come on, I'll give you the tour.
    Larry: You know what? that's okay. I get it.
    Susie: What do you mean?
    Larry: You know, it's bedrooms, bathrooms I get it. I see it, it's beautiful, it's great.
    Susie: You don't want a tour?
    Larry: You don't need to walk me around.
    Susie: Get the fuck out of my house, okay? Get the fuck out right now!
    Larry: All right, fine, I'll take the house tour.
    Susie: No, no, I'm done, I'm over it. I'm turned off. Leave! Get the fuck out, okay? Freak of fucking nature, doesn't want a house tour.
    Larry: Susie, I'll take the house tour!
    Susie: No, no! No tour for you!
    • When Cheryl wants to tell Wanda about Krazee's cheating on her:
    Larry: I'm gonna tell you something, okay? You say one word to her-
    Cheryl: Larry, she's my best friend.
    Larry: ...I will be in Antarctica. That's how far away I will be from Southern California.
    Cheryl: You're that scared of Krazee-Eyez that you'd flee the country?
    Larry: Yeah, I am, yes, I am! I want to live, I want to have both legs. I want to have my penis, all right, and my testicles, intact.
    Cheryl: This is her life, okay? She's starting a whole new life with this guy.
    Larry: This is my life, and I'd like to live it by not going into handicapped parking.
    • Larry, to Krazee-Eyez: "Are you my Caucasian?"
    • Larry hacking on a pubic hair stuck in his throat after giving Cheryl oral sex.
  • "The Grand Opening": Fuck you, you car wash cunt!
    • Boy cock girl cock E I E I O.
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    Season 4 
  • The season as a whole: Larry convinced that there's a "good" Hodgkins. He eventually concedes that there's no "good" version of the disease but is adamant that one's "better" than the other because one has a slightly higher survival rate.
  • "The Blind Date": Larry's frustration that a teen magician doesn't reveal how he does a card trick, eventually culminating with this hilarious It Makes Sense in Context line:
    Larry: (whispering) You listen to me, Superman Note ... I want that trick.
  • "The Weatherman": The following:
    Jeff: What happened to you?
    Larry: I fell in the toilet.
    Jeff: How'd you fall in the toilet?
    Larry: I went to go pee and the seat was up.
    Jeff: What does that have to do with you?
    Larry: I pee sitting down.
    Jeff: You pee sitting down?
    Larry: Yeah. Have you ever tried it?
    Jeff: No!
    Larry: It's more comfortable, when you get up during the night you don't have to turn the light on and wake up, and you get to read.
    Jeff: What are you reading?
    Larry: I'm reading a lot of stuff.
    Jeff: What stuff?
    Larry: If I pee twenty times during the day I can get through the whole New York Times for god sake.
    Jeff: Twenty times?
    Larry: Yeah. Hey buddy, when you're peeing all over your shoe I'm learning something!
    • And later:
    Marty: Why do you pee sitting down?
    Larry: Many reasons.
    Marty: You crap standing up?
  • From "The Car Pool Lane" every scene with the prostitute Monena.
  • "The Surrogate": Both scenes of Wanda seeing a misunderstanding between Larry and a black man and calling him a racist.
    Wanda: Did it again, huh? So what, the black man in a suit parks cars.Note  Black man, no suit, he gonna steal your car.Note 
    Larry: I can't do anything in this city without you watching me, following me?
    • The comic timing of Muggsy Bogues catching Larry glancing at his penis at the urinal.
    Muggsy: What the fuck?! Why are you looking at my dick?!
    • The ending. Earlier in the episode, Larry accidentally cursed while he's leaving a message for Irv, David Schwimmer's dad, due to being abruptly rear-ended. Irv leaves him a message at the very end:
    Irv: This is Irv Schwimmer. You motherfucking, cocksucking, son-of-a-bitch bastard! Who the fuck do you think you are?! You bald son of a- (credits)
  • "Wandering Bear": "How is... your vagina?"
  • A Holocaust survivor and a contestant from the TV show Survivor having an argument over who had it rougher.

    Season 5 
  • In "The Larry David Sandwich", Larry tries to switch sandwiches with Ted Danson, who doesn't want to go through with it.
    Larry: Instead of ordering a Ted Danson, people go and order a Larry David. What's the difference?
    Ted: One tastes good, and one sucks!
    • Also funny in that scene: Jeff tries to help Larry make his case for switching sandwiches but Larry tells him, "Shut the fuck up."
    • When Larry's telling his story at the beginning of almost drowning:
    Susie: Now, maybe you'll start to be more respectful to people, treat people better.
    Larry: What are you talking about? I'm respectful to people.
    Susie: (not buying it) Egh.
  • In "The Bowtie", Marty to Larry on his leaving his wedding anniversary early due to a Potty Emergency: "We were trying to recreate what happened 25 years ago and I said "Larry, would you like to make a toast and someone said Larry David went home to take a shit."
    • The tense music and concerned expression when Omar walks towards Larry, who is nervous that his dog will bite Omar. Note 
    • Speaking of, Wanda's nickname for Larry's dog:
    Wanda: I am not bringing my black ass back up into this fucking hotel until y'all get rid of that fucking Klan dog. Got a Klan dog! Looking at me like I'm a damn T-bone.
  • "Kamikaze Bingo": Larry's dad watching porn with the sound turned way up because he has trouble hearing. Larry can hear it all the way in the lobby of the senior's home.
    Larry: (turns it off) We can't watch porno together. I don't think we don't have that kind of relationship yet.
  • "The Ski Lift": The big vagina.
    • Larry's response to the Jewish women telling him he has to jump off the broken down ski lift because she can't be with him after sundown is a stare and "What are you fuckin nuts?"
  • "The Korean Bookie": Larry greets Oscar by saying how fat he's getting. Susie immediately admonishes Larry:
    Larry: Boy, what are you feeding this animal?
    Susie: What you mean?
    Larry: He's as fat as a house. My God, look at the size of him.
    Susie: What kind of thing is that to say? You'll hurt his feelings!
    Larry: Like he knows what I'm talking about.
    Susie: He knows! You don't call a dog fat.
    Larry: You go around calling Jeff a fat fuck!
    Susie: Jeff is a fat fuck! Oscar is just big boned.

    Season 6 
  • In "Meet the Blacks", Marty Funkhouser serves up an extremely good chocolate cake to Larry and Cheryl. They go to the bakery where he bought it to get one for themselves... and find out that it's an erotic bakery and the cake in question is shaped like a big black penis.
    Larry: I ate that?
    Baker: Yes. You ate this cake.
    Larry: Funkhouser... he knowingly served us penis!
    • A few scenes later, Jeff unknowingly brings same cake to a big party, freaking out the Black kids. A scene later, Larry is shown eating it alone.
    Cheryl: (in bed) Where were you?
    Larry: Eatin' some penis.
    • At Marty's party, they play a couples game and one of the questions is "if you could have sex with somebody besides you spouse, who would it be". Jeff and Marty both say they couldn't go through with it and would stay faithful, but Larry picks Cha-cha, Richard's latest girlfriend. Everyone admonishes him for it, prompting Larry to protest that they're not playing by the rules, peppering in a few "fuck you"s.
    • When Larry first introduces himself to the Black family, he finds it interesting that their last name is Black and they happen to be black, saying it'd be like if he was named "Larry Jew". Cue uncomfortable silence.
  • In "The Anonymous Donor":
    Anna the dry cleaner: I'll have your semen-covered blanket ready on Wednesday!
    • Susie and Leon's first meeting:
    Leon: I tell you one thing: I like a woman with a smart-ass mouth like that.
    Susie: Yeah, well fuck you too!
    Leon: (turned on) Mmm.
  • In "The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial", after Larry screws up Sammi's school prospects:
    Jeff: Oh, you know what? You have ruined my life! You have ruined my life! I have to live with this now!
    Susie: Oh, you bet he does.
    Jeff: Oh, you hear that?! I am FUCKED! And you FUCKED me! HARD!
    • When Larry tries to return Ida's flowers to Marty, which are damaged:
    Marty: Is that what it looked like when you stole it?
    Larry: ...Problem?
    Marty: Yeah, big problem.
    Larry: No good?
    Marty: No good, no.
    Larry: Well, that's that's the way I got 'em. Come on, what's wrong?
    Marty: They should all stand up. That's what flowers do when they're healthy.
    (Larry is picking up flower petals)
    Marty: Stop picking up the petals, okay?
    Larry: Well, I don't want to make a mess in your house.
    Marty: Don't worry about it. You made enough of a mess.
    • Larry repeatedly trying to get rid of a floppy $50 bill that Marty gave him. Nobody wants it because of how gross it looks. When he tries to use it at a florist, they simply tell him, "No."
  • In "The Lefty Call", the fight between Larry and Richard Lewis over who has a healthier colon, which erupted after Larry's bathroom habits were discussed.
    Richard: You're shitting and pissing almost seventy times a week!
    • Leon telling Larry to "get up in that ass" the next time someone insults him.
    Leon: You pull their asshole open, step into their asshole, close the door behind you, pick up your spray-paint can, write "Larry was here." You spray-paint "Larry was here," "Wash me," all that kind of shit, fuck his whole asshole up, eat some Snickers bar, throw some paper on the floor, read a newspaper, ball the paper up, the newspaper, and throw the newspaper on the floor, fuck his whole asshole up, you know what I'm saying? Then you open that asshole one more time open it again, open that asshole again- unh! Step out of his ass and leave that motherfucker wide open, so he knows you've been there.
    • Bert's dad, the barber, repeatedly slapping Larry with a towel after Larry makes a derisive comment about Barbara's miscarriage.
  • Larry and Jeff (and later, John McEnroe) getting a little too much joy out of the "freak book".
    • Larry notices that the server at Ted's party is wearing a bowtie. He gets it out of him that Ted specifically requested that the staff wear bowties and confronts Ted about it. Ted refuses to change the dress code.
    Larry: I feel like a jerk 'cause I kind of promised him.
    Ted: Well, too bad. Go back and say you failed.
  • "The TiVo Guy": Larry's got "long balls".
  • "The N Word": Auntie Ray shouting "FUCK you, Larry David, with your monkey ass!" and giving him the finger.
    • Larry's dating a doctor whose home life is incredibly similar to being in a doctor's office. When he gets there for a date, the doctor's sister tells him to have a seat and that she'll be right down, and sits at a desk on a computer.
    • Larry has to make a deposition at the hospital to corroborate why Jeff lost his hair, which would involve saying that he drove a black doctor to anger because he overheard Larry using the n-word. Larry notices one of the judges who comes in late is black, and then notices a couple black audience members. He doesn't finish his deposition- he just shakes his head in fear while everyone shouts for him to finish.
    Judge: Tell us NOW, Mr. David!
  • Larry's speech at Sammie's bat mitzvah.
    Larry: You know, I've known Sammie since she was born, actually. I was in the hospital, remember? I was in the hospital that day and I saw her when she was, like, five minutes old. It was not a pretty sight for me. It was the first time I ever saw one of those things, you know. Um, anyway, what I really want to talk about tonight is that there's a guest here spreading a vicious, nasty, scurrilous rumor about me and a gerbil. Okay? I'm sure you've heard it. And there's not a word of truth to it, okay? He has a personal vendetta, so don't believe one word of that. It's not true. However, in the interest of full disclosure I will tell you that, um, I do have a tickle in my anus.

    Season 7 
  • Marty's crazy sister Bam-Bam was full of hilarious non-sequiturs in the one episode that she was in.
  • "Vehicular Fellatio": Larry backing away when Richard Lewis's latest girlfriend leans in for a goodbye kiss on the cheek.Note 
    • Leon justifying having sex with a married woman: "Ass is ass."
    • The last words from Auntie Rae when she and the family (save Leon) leave for good Note :
    Auntie Rae: Fuck you, Larry David, that's some bullshit!
  • In "The Reunion", after Jeff tells Larry not to go off on Sandy Goodman (who gave them lousy seats at the basketball game AND screened his cell phone call), Larry approaches Sandy, who asks him if he enjoyed the game. Larry says, "Well..." Smash Cut to Jerry's office...
    Jerry: You told the head of NBC to go fuck himself?!
  • "The Hot Towel": Larry, who's sleeping over at Susie and Jeff's house, shouts to a singing Sammi: "Shut the fuck up!" Understandably, she starts crying. Moments later, Susie comes in:
    Susie: OUT! OUT! Get the hell out of my house! You ingrate! You hurt Sammi one more time, Larry! You squashed the spirit of a talented young girl! You piece of shit! You heartless piece of shit! OUT!
    • Larry's walking down the street and a woman tells him, "Smile!" He tells her, "Hey, mind your own business. How about that?"
    • Larry defends his interrupting Sammi's song to Ted and Mary by saying he hates the sound of the human voice. Jeff cracks up at such a lame excuse: "You can't stand the sound of the human voice?! What are you talking about?!"
    • When Larry interrupts the opera singer in the restaurant, the last lyric out of the singer's mouth before Larry cuts him off is "Moo..."
    • When Larry is running door to door begging his friends if he can sleep over to avoid the woman's jealous boyfriend, Ted turns him away:
    Ted: Take your $150 and go buy yourself some fucking pants, will you? Note  (shuts door)
  • In "Denise Handicap", Larry and Ted Danson fighting over whether Larry will eat the pie he gave him.
    Ted: Y'know something? I heard Rosie O'Donnell beat the crap out of you.
    Larry: Oh really? That's bullshit!
    Ted: (mocking) Rosie beat the crap out of you! You big sissy, you big fucking sissy!
  • From the ending of the "Bare Midriff" the scene where Larry prevents himself from falling to his death by grabbing his secretary's fat belly.
  • "The Black Swan": The argument between Norm (who's taking way too long to retrieve his golf ball) and an impatient Larry, which ends with this exchange:
    Norm: Hey, how's your wife?
    Larry: Fuck you, Norm!
  • From "Officer Krupke": Larry's "KRUP YOU!" out the car window misheard as "FUCK YOU!", prompting a girl and her mother to call the police.
  • "The Table Read": Marty Funkhouser's joke. Also funny is how Larry impatiently wants him to get the joke over with, upset at him for crashing the table read.
    Marty: A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening. (…) So she goes to her mother. She says, "What am I going to do? I'm so big down there. When I marry Harry, he's going to divorce me." Her mother says, "Don't worry, sweetheart, it runs in the family. Do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there. He'll never know the difference." (…) So she does. They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at ten. He's gone, but there's a note on her pillow. It says, "My darling Harriet, to think that I waited a year to consummate our relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up. The only reason I'm not here now, darling, is I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence. We'll have dogs and children. (…) When the 5:00 dinner bell rings, I will be home like the winged gossamer of love in your arms. Your loving husband, Harry. (…) P.S., your cunt is in the sink."
    • Larry's line to the doctor, which freaks him out because he doesn't understand the context:
    Doctor: Do you have any idea how you may have gotten this rash?
    Larry: The only thing I can think of is, I've been seeing this nine-year-old girl and she kind of has a rash on her pussy. Um you know, I took her to lunch the other day and we had a fight and we made up and we hugged, so it must, it's got to be her. (phone rings) One second. Yeah, that's her now. (answers) Yeah. (to doc) She's so cute. We text all the time. For a while we weren't, but we're back on now, so-
    Doctor: We'll get you taken care of. I have another patient to check on. I'll be right back.
    Larry: Okay, all right. (to phone) Don't tell your mother, but I bought you another pen.
    Doctor: (to receptionist) Call the police.
  • "Seinfeld": Jerry's feud with Mocha Joe, who asked Larry for a favor which he didn't deliver on.
    Larry: Whatever happened to "E" for effort? "E" for effort! You people think about that. "E" for effort!
    Joe: "F" for favor!
    Jerry: "C" for coffee.

    Season 8 
  • "The Divorce": The restaurant manager who is schooled by a lawyer, Hiriam Katz, when he hassles Larry for giving Jeff some of his buffet items:
    Hiriam: First of all, in your implied contract with this man, there is nothing that allows you to restrict what he does with your product after he purchases it, so he can do whatever wants with the food. And secondly, if you suspect that he's stealing another buffet from you, you'd have to be able to establish prior intent. Now can you prove prior intent? I didn't think so. So in the absence of that, I'm afraid there's really nothing you can do except probably apologize to these people and maybe buy them a round of drinks.
    • Larry aghast that Leon has had sex with two women in his bed.
  • "The Safe House": The opening, where Larry wants at some ice cream but a sobbing woman and someone consoling her are blocking his bath to the freezer and refuse to move. After many attempts, he walks away, seemingly given up... and then his arm is seen reaching for it inside the freezer behind them. He also accidentally knocks over some ice cream in the process.
    • Richard Lewis' latest girlfriend is a burlesque dancer with big breasts. Marty gets off a great quip:
    Marty: Have you set a date aside when you're going to finally look at her face? (Jeff laughs)
    • Marty, Jeff, Larry, and Leon go to see his girlfriend do her burlesque show (which involves her taking off her top), but don't tell Richard. On their way out of the parking lot, Richard drives in and notices them leaving. Their shocked reactions are priceless.
    • Larry mentions to Richard's girlfriend that during her set, he noticed a mole underneath one of her breasts and recommend she get it checked out. It comes back negative, but she wants breast reduction surgery anyway, because they hurt her back. The way Richard expresses his outrage is hilarious:
    Richard: You're responsible for this. You looked at her mole with a goddamn telescope like Galileo jerking off from 40 feet away.
    • The argument about comparing breasts to balls.
    • Larry gets in an argument with Leon, and tries to end it by saying "We could talk till we're blue in the face. I don't mean that as a racial thing either." This starts an entirely new argument:
    Leon: Would I ever turn fucking blue?
    Larry: It's an expression.
    Leon: Who turns fuckin' blue?
    Larry: You say that to white people too. You can't turn blue?
    Leon: Hell no, I can't turn blue!
  • "The Smiley Face": Antoionette's mom offers to take her place at work while she grieves the loss of her father.
    Larry: You're shitting me.
    Mom: Not shitting.
    Larry: No shit?
    Mom: No shit.
    • The Running Gag in the episode is how people's voices go up when they're lying. At the end, Larry continues to go to a restaurant where he and a waitress broke up. His food tastes funny:
    Larry: Did you put something in the food?
    Heidi: (voice goes high) No!
  • "Vow of Silence": Larry asks a vet's wife how much a vet makes compared to a human doctor. She's offended and says it's a personal question; Larry retorts by saying she can ask him anything she wants.
    Wife: Okay, when is the last time you jacked off?
    Larry: Mmm. This morning.
    Wife: I should go.
    • Larry gets into an argument with Richard about confirming lunch plans. This results in a great Brick Joke at the end of the episode when Larry flies to New York, and Richard is sitting in the restaurant waiting for him, mouthing obscenities to himself.
  • "Mister Softee": Larry's date having an orgasm from the rattling car seat while Larry rambles obliviously about nuts. Later in that episode, Susie ends up on the same seat. Larry's queasy reactions and disgusted moans while she's having an orgasm are hilarious.
    • All the un-called for insults hurled at Bill Buckner, who responds congenially.
    Man: Hey Buckner, you suck!
    Bill: Have a nice day, fellas.
    (…)
    Man 2: Fuck you, Buckner!
  • "Larry vs. Michael J. Fox": Leon, on the loud clomping Fox is doing upstairs, keeping him and Larry up at night:
    Leon: Michael J. Fox bout to be Michael J. fucked up in a minute.
    • The Crossing the Line Twice usage of Fox's Parkinson's for jokes, such as giving Larry a shaken soda to spill over himself.
    Larry: Did you shake up that soda on purpose?!
    Michael: ...Parkinson's.
    • In the same scene, Larry's complaint about not talking during his girlfriend's lounge piano performance somehow gets into a rhetorical about not talking during one of Michael J. Fox's movies.
    Michael: Where are you gonna see one of my movies? It was like 1985 last time I was in a movie.
    Larry: Okay, if I saw one of your movies in 1985, you wouldn't like it if I was talking.
    Michael: This is getting into time travel. This is getting weird.
    • A scene later, when telling the soda shaking incident to Leon:
    Leon: Thank God he didn't hand you his dick. He could've been shaking and shook that dick up, handed you the dick, and the dick shot sperm in your face.
    Larry: Yeah, but why would he hand me a dick?
    Leon: I mean as an example.
    Larry: What kind of example is that?
    Leon: I'm just comparing it to other things you can shake up, right? With Parkinson's, right?
    Larry: You just live in a total dick world, don't you?
    • The scene where Larry gets on an elevator with a guy in a hurry and accidentally presses the wrong floor button, so he presses a second button. Naturally, an argument occurs and the scene ends with the guy defiantly pressing every floor button from 33-44.
    • The effeminate boy's mannerisms.
    • This bit, after one of Susie's outbursts:
    Larry: You know what people say when you guys leave the room?
    Jeff: What do they say?
    Larry: "Poor bastard."
    Jeff: Oh jeez...
    Susie: (off-screen) You can leave now, Larry. Get the fuck out!
    • Larry and Michael accidentally bump into each other when turning a corner. Larry takes this to the extreme and tells the tenant board that Michael "shoved me when I was coming out of the elevator!"
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    Season 9 
  • The promo in which a Bat Signal for Larry is shown in the sky. Larry sees it, ponders going out to answer the call, but then decides against it.
  • "Foisted" had Larry asking Leon if constipation was an excuse. His response:
    Leon: I shot a porno constipated. I ran a 5k marathon constipated. I was in a hot dog eating contest.
    Larry: Hold up, you shot a porno, seriously?
    Leon: Seriously, and a hot dog contest, constipated, and I still fucking won. That isn't an excuse.
    • Larry making a musical about the Ayatollah, not funny. The Ayatollah issuing a Fatwa calling for Larry's death, also not funny. Larry's response, actually funny.
    Larry: (after seeing the official statement) WHAT THE FUCK?
    Jeff: What the fuck is right.
    • Larry's text to Richard Lewis about his dead parakeet: "Sorry about your bird. The good news is I'm still alive."
  • "The Pickle Gambit" Leon tries to help Larry with defending him from any potential threats thanks to the Fatwa. Unfortunately, he and Swat (one of Leon's friends) interfere when he was with a woman and they were having sex.
    • Also, Larry finally gets the Fatwa removed. Unfortunately, in true Curb fashion, something happens that fucks it up. In this case, it was the stripper being chased around by Swat and Leon, who was hired to help Funkhouser's nephew calm down. Thanks to them, the Fatwa stayed.
    Leon: Not her, not her! Just get rid of the Muslims!
    • Larry's increasing aggravation with Leon and Swat when they keep interrupting his phone call by asking about towels.
    • Larry tries to ask Mary Steenburgen out, since Ted is now dating Cheryl. She turns him down, saying he's not her type.
    Larry: Well, we're both people. We're Earthlings, we breathe, we eat, so we have, we have that in common.
    Mary: Yeah, we have that in common with pretty much everybody.
  • "The Disturbance in the Kitchen": Larry warned Ted that the horn in his new Tesla will get him in trouble. Sure enough, when Ted pulls up behind a car that didn't go at a green light, he honked at the guy, but wasn't used to the horn and honked longer than he should have. The guy proceeded to leave his car and kick Ted's ass.
    • Larry goes to court to fight a ticket for honking at a cop. He compares himself to Rosa Parks or Jackie Robinson- that is, a pioneer, since nobody else has honked at this particular cop. The judge sarcastically asks, "Anyone else you're in the mold of? Maybe a Martin Luther King or a Malcolm X?"
    Cop: Harriet Tubman?
    Larry: Yes, Harriet Tubman. Although I'm not quite sure what she did, I have a feeling she was in the pioneer family.
    • He also offers the judge a cough drop. He reluctantly takes it: "Thank you for your warm pocket candy."
    • At one point, the judge is looking down at some papers while Larry's still talking. Larry says, "Yoo-hoo?" The judge tells Larry he can't "yoo-hoo" a judge and the citation stands.
    • Larry and Susie butting heads over whether the teenage girl she took in is a good dancer.
    • Elizabeth Banks (Larry's latest girlfriend) doing a horrible acting job to the same cop from earlier after Larry accidentally vandalizes his squad car.
  • "Running with the Bulls": Marty Funkhouser mentions that his daughter is transitioning to a man.
    Larry: When does she get the penis?
    Marty: He's talking about it. It takes time to decide.
    Larry: Well, if he gets the penis, do they throw in the balls?
    Marty: …
    • Leon claiming that his dick is so long that it hangs in the water when he sits on the toilet.
  • "Thank You for Your Service": Susie on Larry's case for his greeting to Victor, a military vet: "You didn't thank him for his service, asshole!"
    Susie: Now you've ruined everything, Larry. I'm making all this delicious salmon, and the whole night is ruined.
    Larry: Are you sauteing that?
    Susie: Yes.
    Larry: Would you mind broiling mine? (Susie frowns) That a face?
    Susie: Get the fuck out.
    • Larry and the waiter comparing the "faces" the cook made. So stupid but so funny.
    • Larry dates a postal carrier, and their first date is a disaster. He wants to go back to the way it was before they started dating. At the end of the episode, Larry is walking along the street and she drives by in her mail truck: "Hey asshole, here's your mail!" and throws it at him. Leon comes outside and sees Larry knocked down by the mail throw and says, "Welcome home, soldier. Thank you for your service." Note 
  • "Accidental Text on Purpose" Leon sends Larry a video of a Sophia Loren undressing (a scene from the movie Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow). This was when he was near someone that the group knew and was measuring his pants size. Guess what rose thanks to the video.
    • Larry walks into a department store and a perfume clerk quickly approaches him and sprays him in the face.
    Clerk: "Enigma"?
    Larry: What the fuck?! (pushes her down)
    • Marty's pained expression when he pretends to like his girlfriend's tap water.
    • Larry is in an on-going feud with an unknown person who wrote "WASH ME" on his car. The feud escalates to the guy drawing a penis on his car.
  • "Never Wait for Seconds" When someone was using a lot of ketchup, she asked about a ketchup shortage and didn't give a shit. This joke also came up after the mutifs ended the Fatwa order, with 4 of them complaining about the 5th mutif using a lot of ketchup, in which Larry agreed about.
  • "The Shucker": Jeff starts wearing a cowboy hat, which Susie finds sexy. As a result, they start having lots of sex, to the point that Jeff wants to retire the hat because his penis hurts.
    Jeff: Wearing that hat has been nothing but a curse for me. She took my dick to places it wasn't meant to go. So far to the right, so far to the left. Back and forth.
    Leon: You need a dick chiropractor.
  • "Fatwa": After dealing with Lin's creative differences, Larry gets a duel challenge and agrees to it. Thankfully it's paintball, and unfortunately, Lin gets shot in the mouth because Larry's pants dropped due to someone outfit tracking him.
  • The ASL translator, and the reason why the groom asked for one.
  • Jeff explains that there could be a straggler who didn't get the memo that the Fatwa is over, but Larry ignores it. At the end of the episode, there was someone who didn't get the memo and ran after Larry to kill him, while Larry says that the Fatwa is called off.

    Season 10 
  • Larry wearing a MAGA hat to intentionally repel people.
  • Jeff being mistaken for Harvey Weinstein.
  • Guy: "Happy new year!" Larry: "You're too late."
  • Larry passes by a couple on the street and breaks their selfie stick.
  • Larry, wanting to use a private bathroom: "I'm like a murderer."
  • Larry, to his latest date who he's convinced is "yo-yoing" up and down on her weight: "I don't know if you're yo-in' up or yo-in' down, but you're definitely yo-in'."
  • Leon on his penis: "I'm not bragging or shit, but I had a lady give me a wedgie with my own god damn Johnson."
  • Cousin Andy's immediate reaction of disgust when trying one of Larry's scones.

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