Scott I... but... it's... not... it's totally... it's... y...you're not the boss of... me?
Scott: This band sucks. Monique: That's what they'll be saying about you on Sunday. Scott: At least I... wait... something... you... insult... Ramona: Scott, that was not a good comeback. Stephen Stills: That was actually not bad for Scott.
Scott: I don't like you. Todd: Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday. Scott: ... Huh? Todd: Because you'll be dust by then. Scott: ...? Todd:Because I'm going to pulverize you sometime this weekend. And the cleaning lady, she... cleans dust. She dusts. And she has weekends off, so Monday... [to Envy] Right? Envy: What the hell are you talking about?
The Big Lebowski contains an example that, due to the Dude's sheer unflappable laid-backness being combined with Jesus Quintana's over-the-top arrogance, turns this trope into an artform, to the point where Memetic Mutation has in fact made this an actual comeback that is successful:
Jesus: You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up.
The Dude: Yeah, well, you know, that's just like... uh... your opinion, man.
In Tommy Boy, after Tommy sets a bag of M&M's on the dashboard and they pour into an open slot:
Richard Hayden: Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.
Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.
Richard Hayden: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy: Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
Richard Hayden: Are you talking?
Tommy: Shut up, Richard.
In Funny People, George is verbally abusing Ira after Ira has inadvertently destroyed George's admittedly slim chances of getting back together with 'The One That Got Away'. Ira — having put up with all the shit he's willing to take from George by this point — proceeds to completely demolish the other man and basically pegs him as a pathetic, bitter, self absorbed and self loathing man who even if he had everything he ever wanted still would find some way to fuck it up and be completely miserable because he doesn't even know how to be happy himself, much less inspire it in other people. Faced with this verbal assault, George's comeback — that Ira isn't funny — is exactly as pathetic as it sounds. And unfortunately, Ira has a comeback for that also.
In Shallow Hal, after Jason Alexander brags that he is "bigger", Hal takes about 8 seconds to respond "Yeah, bigger than a mouse's". Jason calls him out on taking too long; that's why it's called a "quip", not a "slowp".
Harold: Back off, cock-boy. What I say to him goes double for you.
Co-Worker: Cock-boy? You just call me cock-boy?
Harold: Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling because you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.
Co-Worker: You think I'm not quick enough - guy thinks I'm not quick enough! Well I got news for you! I AM quick enough... Cock-Boy!
Manta, Manta from Germany. The main character who drives an Opel Manta and becomes the Butt Monkey of a radio moderator who tells Manta jokes all the time. Finally, he gets revenge when he breaks in at the radio station and has the opportunity to say his opinion on the radio.
Bertie: "What's the difference between a guy telling Manta jokes and an asshole? There is none!"
Roger: "Oh yeah?! Well I faked... all of mine... too."
In American Psycho, when somebody calls the protagonist a "fucking yuppie", he responds: "Hey... You may think I'm a really disgusting yuppie but I'm not, really."
Kate's banter tends to be hit-and-miss. When she's on her game, she's pretty witty. When she's off-balance, her inner monologue and the people around her are perfectly willing to point out how embarrassed she should be.
Holly: That's right, Mud Boy. Play time's over. Time for the professionals to take over. If you're a good boy, I'll buy you a lollipop when I come back.
Artemis: I don't like lollipops.
He recognises how lame his comeback was and notes that he will have to create a list of good comebacks for future use. Note that Artemis is usually very well-spoken and intelligent. It's used to emphasize how he's breaking down as his plan falls apart.
In one of The Savannah Reid Mysteries, Savannah's new brother-in-law is arguing with his wife, who tells him he "sucks". His response? "You suck worser!"
Dave Barry has suggested that people who get angry in traffic exchange phone numbers so they can call each other back "when we've had
time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library".
Blackadder did this a couple of times despite usually being very good with a comeback.
Captain Rum: Aaah, courtiers to the Queen, you're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl! Blackadder: Better a "lapdog to a slip of a girl" than a... git! Captain Rum: So you do have some spunk in you!
In Blackadder The Third, George combines this with Comeback Tomorrow, because he can't even think of a lame comeback on the spur of the moment:
George: Only the other day, Prime Minister Pitt called me an idle scrounger, and it wasn’t until ages later that I thought how clever it would have been to have said, "Oh, bugger off, you old fart!"
Mash had numerous instances where Frank Burns got insulted and the most he could come back with was, "You ... guys!"
From Friends, when Chandler is in a fight with his girlfriend:
Girl: I'm leaving. Call me when you decide to grow up! Chandler: Well don't expect that to happen anytime soon!
Chandler, despite being known for his sense of humor, has a lot of these:
Joey:(while playing football) Prepare to feel very bad about yourself.
Chandler: Hey, well, I've been preparing for that my entire life! ...Or something about you that's mean!
In the That '70s Show episode "Eric's Depression" Eric and Donna have a shouting match (it was shortly after their breakup) in which Donna calls Eric a dillhole. Eric's response is to call her a "double dillhole". As soon as Donna leaves he berates himself for saying something that stupid.
In the episode "Eric's Hot Cousin":
Jackie: Lobster face!
Donna: Little Red Riding... Bitch!
In the same episode:
Donna: Eric, my sunburn will fade, but your shame will last forever.
Glee: Shannon Beiste. Her comebacks are actually so lame that they leave her rival Sue speechless.
Beiste: Do not get up in The Panther's business, lady. You're all coffee and no omelette. Sue: [whispering to herself] That doesn't make any sense...
The Season 5 episode "Previously Unaired Christmas" has Marley make a valiant effort at countering Kitty's insult about her virginity. Unfortunately, Marley isn't very practiced at insulting people, so this is all she can come up with:
Marley: Well...you wear a smaller bra than me.
The West Wing has this a couple times, one when Sam meets Mallory after she dumped him following his whole 'being-photographed-with-a-callgirl' scandal:
Sam: Can I just say I was the one who was in trouble? I was the one under siege, it was my picture in the paper and I don't know why I need to call you and explain myself.
Mallory: It was a picture of you and a callgirl.
Sam: Oh, like there aren't any pictures of you and a callgirl.
Mallory: No. There aren't any pictures of me and a callgirl.
In "Out of Mind, Out of Sight" Cordelia is giving out chocolates to drum up votes to become May Queen.
Cordelia: Here's a chocolate... (realises it's Buffy) Oh, I don't think I need the loony-fringe vote. Buffy: Well, I don't even like chocolates! (to herself) Okay, that was the lamest comeback of our times.
And this one...
Buffy: Let's be realistic Willow, your basic spells are usually only about 50/50.
Willow: Oh yeah? Well... so's your face!
In "Superstar" reality is changed so Buffy is overshadowed by another superhero, affecting her confidence and therefore Deadpan Snarker skills.
Spike: And, I never really liked you, and, and, and, you have stupid hair.
A deleted scene (though still viewable in the first pilot) had Xander shouting after Cordelia, "Check back tomorrow! I'll have that devastating comeback ready!"
The plot of an episode of Seinfeld was George regretting not using a good comeback on a guy who burned him. The comeback was "The jerk store called, and they're running out of you." (in response to 'George, the ocean called and they're running out of shrimp' because George was stuffing his face with shrimp) He's so proud of this that he travels to a city he doesn't want to go to, and makes an ass of himself again, just so the guy will insult him again so he can make this comeback. After all that, the guy deflects it in two seconds with "what does it matter? You're their all-time best seller!". The best that George can come up with in response is 'Oh yeah? Well...I had sex with your wife!' to which George is told that his wife is in a coma. By the end of the episode George is racing back to the airport having come up with yet another comeback.
In the episode, "The Dealership", Elaine criticizes Puddy (her boyfriend) for constantly giving the high-five to people:
Elaine: You’re a salesman now - and the high-five is.. it’s very grease monkey.
Puddy: What did I tell you about that?
Elaine: I’m sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid.
Puddy: Oh yeah? I’ll tell you what’s stupid. You. Stupid.
Dr. Cox: Look, newbie, if you go ahead and leave this hospital knowing only one thing — and God save me, it looks like there's a real chance that might happen — please let this be that one thing: I'm in charge, and I don't care about your opinion. Now [whistles] go get me a cup of coffee.
J.D.: [thinking] Whatever. Just avoid the shoulder bump, catch the elevator, and make a great wise-ass remark before the doors close!
J.D.: Hoohoo, hey, Dr. Cox, if you're so smart, maybe you should just... go ahead and be the... you're the kind of... [elevator door closes] Oh, dammit!
In the episode "His Story IV":
J.D.: I know all about the war.
The Janitor: Really? (takes out a globe) Point to Iraq.
J.D.: Why do you keep a globe on you janitor cart?
The Janitor: In case I get lost. I'll give you a hint. It's not the country shaped like a boot.
J.D.: (points to a country) That's Iraq.
The Janitor: That's China.
J.D.: You're China! (walks away)
The Janitor: ...That's an outrageous accusation.
J.D. also claimed at one point to have a comeback for every situation. Unfortunately, this comeback was always "so's your face".
Played with in that instance, though, since he considers it a perfectly legit comeback, even when used by others in a nonsensical context.
Dr. Cox: Did you feel that you weren't quite annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because, I promise you, you are annoying enough. In fact, you're the number one contender for the middleweight annoyance crown!
J.D.: Well you're the number one jealous... w-weight, for the... jealous weight, jealous... ch-champ.
Dr. Cox: HE'S DONE IT! HE'S DONE IT! DORIAN'S THE MOST! ANNOYING! MAN! IN THE WORLD! Who would have ever thought? A Journeyman annoyer like Dorian...
J.D.: (As Dr Cox is leaving the room) You were a close second.
SPEAKING of Batista, there was that hilarious time where Batista was to face The Great Khali for the world championship, and Khali was demonstrating his strength by crushing a basketball in his hands. Batista's response was, "Basketballs... don't hold grudges! Basketballs don't wanna knock your teeth down your throat! And you're not gonna be in the ring with a basketball Summerslam for the World Heavyweight Championship!"
Kurt Angle in the WWE, when he was still on his square American Hero persona.
In Hello Cheeky, John Junkin gets one of these to Barry Cryer.
John: Here, Barry, I'll tell you something interesting.
Barry: Why change the habit of a lifetime?
John: I'll have you know, I'm taking repartée classes.
Barry: Alright, let's hear your witty repartée, then.
An embarrassing scene in the opera Le Grand Macabre, by Gyorgy Ligeti, has the White and Black Ministers calling names at each other — in alphabetical order. It starts out strong with "Ass-kisser" and "Bloodsucker", until:
White: I...I can't think of anything with I...
Black: I can't think of anything with J...Kidnapper!
Teammate: You had -3 kills and 41 deaths! Master Chief: Your Mom had -3 kills in bed last night.
The MMORPG Kingdom of Loathing includes a mini-game called Insult Beer Pong, in which you have to respond appropriately to various insults (e.g., if your opponent says "When I'm through with you, you'll be crying like a little girl," you say "It's an honor to learn from such an expert in the field"). But you can't just start with battle; you have to research the insults and comebacks. So you grab The Big Book of Pirate Insults, get into fights with various pirates, insult them at random from the book, and learn various witty comebacks, which are then available for you during the match.note The book insults are different from the beer pong insults, but if you learn every possible comeback, you should be able to come up with one that fits each new insult. For instance, you can learn the aforementioned comeback in combat if you use "I'll teach you the meaning of fear, you gutless coward!" If a pirate can't think of an insult, he'll stammer out something like "Yeah? Well... so's your face!" - and there are five possible Lame Comebacks for you to use during the match (if you want to lose), including "Stop waving it around like a featherduster!" - an extended reference to Monkey Island.
As mentioned above, the "insult swordfighting" in Monkey Island is based not around actual fencing ability, but about being able to come up with clever comebacks to your opponents' insults to gain advantage in the duel. There are a couple of stock lame comebacks - "I am rubber, you are glue" or "Boy are you ugly!" - which don't work on any insult. In later games, "how appropriate - you fight like a cow!" goes from being a legitimate retort to Guybrush's go-to Lame Comeback whenever somebody insults him. In Escape from Monkey Island, Guybrush is only able to respond in Lame Comebacks to Ozzie Mandrill due to the latter using incomprehensible Australian taunts that no one understands.
In Portal 2, during the Final Boss fight, if you let Rick the Adventure Sphere talk long enough, he will eventually ask if you have a "Cool Line" prepared for when you kill Wheatley. After some unsuccessful attempts to think one up himself, he will try to invoke one by asking Chell to get Wheatley to say "You two have been a thorn in my side for long enough!", reminding you to do so as he is plugged in. Once all three cores are plugged in and the final part of the fight starts up, Wheatley's dialogue will have now changed slightly to include Rick's setup line word-for-word. Rick then delivers his "Cool Line". It's... a little underwhelming.
Rick: "Yeah? Well this thorn... is about to take you down. Man, that sounded a whole lot better in my head."
Black Mage: What did you THINK I meant every time I said I was going to burn the world? Red Mage: Who cares? Thief: Yeah, you're a weiner. You couldn't burn a match. Black Mage: Yeah, well... Your face... is ugly. Shut up!
Cleo: I'm gonna warn you, my character has crazy good range. Ivy: Your face has crazy good range. From ugly to... super ugly. Cleo: Hee hee. I love when they do the little victory dance. Ivy: I love your face when it's ugly. Which is all the time.
Aliph: IT WOULD PAIN ME GREATLY TO KNOW THAT YOU WERE KILLED BY A RECKLESS ADVENTURER'S BLOODLUST FOR REVENGE... FOR YOUR SAKE, I HOPE THAT YOUR IMMATURE DECISION DOESN'T RESULT IN YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER'S DEATH. Kria: Yeah, well... You're a buttface.
In Goblins, Minmax is notoriously bad at witty banter.
Hitlerella: Oh my, did you just make a sweeping generalization that all Germans have masculine features? What about Heidi Klum? She's German. Wonderella: So's YOUR MOM. Hitlerella: Um, YES? Wait, did you just actually say that?
Vaarsuvius: And how would your cunning master plan have accounted for the fact that Durkon would have required 5000 gp worth of diamonds as a material component to power the Raise Dead spell? Diamonds, I hasten to add, that he does not, in fact, possess? Belkar: Well, uh... Obviously, I would have... beat Belkar: SHUT UP!
Flash: Mirror Master! Mirror Master: You're quick as ever. Flash: Yeah? Well you're... you're not really all there! Mirror Master: Oh, nice try. If you had another minute you'd probably think of a decent comeback.
He does come up with a better one after the battle:
Flash: While you're waiting for me to come arrest you, why not take some time and reflect on your mistakes! Hey, that was pretty good.
There was one in the Justice League episode "Brave and the Bold" when Gorilla Grodd gets snippy with Flash and he responds with: "Oh yeah? Well, you're... naked! (he shrugs to Solovar behind him because he knew it was lame). The more hilarious part is that the comment was actually pretty funny.
Fei Long: You've got sloppy and weak. You've never had fallen from this move before! Look at you! You've ignored your training, and have turned against all of your friends!! Ken: And you... you're a loser!
Daria: Kevin and Brittany get into one of their weekly arguments; before stalking off, Britney snaps at him,
"Don't you fretranize me!"
Kevin: "...You think I don't know what that means? I know what that means!!"