- Mr. Simmons hands out the career aptitude tests to the fourth graders. Helga isn't too thrilled about it.
Mr. Simmons: I took this test when I was your age, and that's when I discovered my lifelong passion for teaching.
Helga: Criminy, what a throw pillow.
Stinky: Hope I get the job what comes with a uniform and a big paper hat.
Helga: Stinky, you're an idiot.
- Mr. Simmons doesn't want Harold eating during the test.
Mr. Simmons: Harold, put your liverwurst sandwich away now, or I'll be forced to take it away.
Harold: (whining) But I'm hungry.
Mr. Simmons: Now, Harold! (Harold puts the sandwich back into the brown paper bag, folds his arms, frowns, and pouts.)
- With a bored facial expression, Harold circles "E" for all the answers. Then, the clock shows 12:00 P.M. (noon) and the bell rings.
Harold: Lunch time! Yeah! (He hands his test to Mr. Simmons and runs out of the classroom.)
- Eugene collects the test results for the other students, and ends up dropping them because of the weight. When picking them up off the floor, he accidentally switches the answer sheets for Harold and Helga.
- Harold is pushing on a door that says "PULL" when Helga and Phoebe walk by discussing possible aptitude test results for both of them.
Helga: And Harold here... (Harold grunting) Harold will become a doorman, if he can ever master the technique.
(Harold continues grunting as Helga and Phoebe walk through the right-side door. Helga comes back, pokes him on the shoulder 3 times, points to the "PULL" sign, and leaves.)
Harold: (pronouncing) Pu—ull. Pull. I get it! (He pulls the door handle and the door hits his face, knocking him backwards.) Ow!
- The fourth graders in Mr. Simmons' class laugh at Harold for having excellent test results.
- Helga finds out she has her test result as woods-person and asks if anybody else had the same thing. Brainy responds with, "Uh, I did."
- Helga uses a stick to hit a pinecone in the park with a golf swing. The pinecone smacks Eugene's head, knocking him down.
- Harold's parents are proud of his test results, but he's thinking of something else.
Jerry: It's a bright and beautiful future, Harold.
Harold: I know, there's gonna be cake.
- Helga tries to catch a rabbit in the park with a carrot using a Box-and-Stick Trap. The rabbit makes off with the carrot. Helga places her head under the box and it falls down.
Helga: (echoing) 'Tain't so easy as it looks.
- Helga makes a pinecone look like a turkey.
helps to pass the time. Oh yeah, the hours just go flying
by when you reduce the scope of your entire world to all the stuff you can make out of a crummy pinecone! (She throws the turkey-shaped pinecone into a pile of other ones she made.)
- Helga finds out she is smart after all. Helga's glad her poems and diaries weren't thrown away, but then she sees her mom Miriam dumping them into the fireplace and shrieks loudly.
- Helga's shriek transitions to Harold yelling from finding out he's not as smart as he thought he was.
Harold: I'm dumb as a rock! I'm dumb as a bag of hammers!
Mr. Simmons: No, you still don't understand. You didn't actually take the test, Harold. You answered every question by filling in E: "Take a hike in the woods."
- Suzie Kokoshka arrives home to the boarding house room Oskar and her reside in, carrying groceries. She puts them away while Oskar sits in a recliner, eating from an ice cream bucket. They have a discussion about money.
Suzie: I gave you $100 2 days ago.
Oskar: Suzie, you know I had to use it to pay the phone bill.
Suzie: Oskar, they cut off our phone service this morning.
Oskar: I know, it's a terrible mistake; we should sue.
Suzie: Oh, Oskar, that just doesn't make any sense.
Oskar: Tell me about it. So, can I have the $50?
Suzie: I don't have $50. We've already spent my paycheck this week.
Oskar: (grabs a pickle from the refrigerator) What about your overtime? (eats the pickle)
Suzie: I work 20 hours a week overtime, already. How many more hours do you want me to work?!
Oskar: How about 25?
Suzie: (madly) OSKAR! (She slams the refrigerator door shut)
- Oskar tell Ernie Potts he loves him and asks for a hug. Then he asks Ernie for money.
Oskar: Well, you should be more careful next time before you go around judging people. (walks away, then comes back) Oh, by the way, could I borrow 50 bucks?
Ernie: (angrily) You're a bum, Kokoshka, a lousy bum! You'll never change.
Oskar: Yeah, okay, so how about the 50? (Ernie slams the door on Oskar) Ehhh.
- After Oskar is denied money from Ernie, he knocks on Mr. Hyunh's door.
Oskar: Mr. Hyunh, how's my fellow immigrant good buddy, huh? How's it going?
Mr. Hyunh: (strictly) You no get—any money from me! (wags his left index finger) You're no good, Oskar. No good at all! (he slams the door)
- Grandpa Phil opens his door and sees Oskar. He shouts "Grandpa!" and the door is slammed on Oskar a third time.
- Oskar, desperate for money, tries to take quarters from the boarding house washing machines. Arnold sees him doing that and is stopped.
- Oskar's alarm clock, set for the time of 4:00 A.M. (when he has to deliver the newspapers), goes off. He chucks it out the open bedroom window and it lands in a garbage can, causing a cat to screech.
- As Arnold delivers newspapers for Oskar's first day, he goes to a house with a small barking dog. The dog chases Arnold out through the gate, but is pulled back by the leash.
- Arnold does Oskar's job again. The dog breaks free from the leash and chases Arnold on the sidewalk.
- Oskar gives Arnold another reason for why he can't deliver newspapers. In response, Arnold tells him off.
Arnold: That's it! I'm tired of all your excuses.
Oskar: Arnold, you seem a little cranky. Maybe you should take a nap.
Arnold: Look, I only helped you because you said you were desperate. You said you wanted to change. I guess I was wrong. Mr. Kokoshka, I'm sorry, but you are a huge loser.
(Arnold walks upstairs as Oskar stands still, looking dumbfounded.)
- Ernie and Mr. Hyunh discuss how bad Oskar is as a human, then agree to go watch Arnold's grandma use the vacuum cleaner.
- As Oskar decides to do his job of delivering newspapers, a few things happen to him.
- 1.) He trips and knocks over the bicycle.
- 2.) He throws a newspaper into a tree, climbs up the tree to get it back, and falls down.
- 3.) The dog that chased Arnold bites Oskar in the butt, causing him to run and whimper.
- Ernie challenges Oskar to do his (Oskar's) job again the next day.
Oskar: Oh yeah? Well, I show you. I'll do it tomorrow, and maybe even the next day!
Ernie: I'll bet you 10 bucks you don't, Kokoshka.
Oskar: Make it 20; put your money where your mouth is.
Oskar: What do you mean 21? Why don't we make it a hundred? (FIN)
- The school bell rings and Arnold has to collect the kickballs.
Arnold: Okay, recess is over. Let's go, balls in. (He gets pelted with kickballs.)
- Arnold sees Curly doing nothing in the cafeteria at lunch time.
Arnold: Curly's acting a little strange today.
Gerald: Today? He's strange every day.
- Using the hatch above Principal Wartz's door to his office, Curly makes a reference to Stanley Kubrick's film (from 1980) loosely based on Stephen King's novel called The Shining.
Curly: Heeeere's Curly! (He hits Principal Wartz in the head with a kickball. Wartz yelps.)
That's one. One for me and 498 to go! (cackles maniacally, accompanied with lightning and thunder)
- Curly hits Stinky with a kickball.
Stinky: Hey! What'd you do that for?
- Curly hits Mr. Simmons with a kickball. Principal Wartz states what he will do to solve the conflict.
Wartz: I'll handle this, Simmons. This boy is obviously disturbed. I'm gonna ram the door, grab the kid, get him in a headlock...
- Curly demands 2 Yahoo sodas and a meatball sub to be delivered by Arnold. Gerald sarcastically tells him, "Congratulations."
- Mr. Simmons wants to be sensitive towards the situation with Curly. Principal Wartz believes different.
Wartz: Look, we're dealing with a dangerous element here.
Arnold: It's just Curly, Principal Wartz. (Eugene walks towards Arnold & stands next to him.) And they're just kickballs. They're not dangerous.
(Via the hatch, Curly smacks Eugene with a kickball.)
- The ball monitor situation is resolved. Helga gives her reason for what was learned.
Mr. Simmons: I think we all learned a valueable lesson here today.
Helga: Yep. Don't ever trust the quiet ones. They'll go bonkers and hole up in the principal's office.
- Curly starts to walk back to Mr. Simmons' classroom, but Principal Wartz grabs Curly's arm and takes him someplace else.
Wartz: All right, son. Come with me.
Curly: Hey! Where are you taking me? I thought we worked it all out! Remember Principal Wartz, sensitivity!
Wartz: HA! I'll give you sensitivity. I'll give you a week's worth of sensitivity every day after school.
(They both go inside Wartz's office; the door is locked)
Curly: Hey! I'm not supposed to be in detention! Come on, I'll die if I'm in detention! NOOOOO! Come on, I'M THE BALL MONITOR! (barks like a dog) (FIN)
- The auditions at the open casting calls for the Yahoo soda spokesperson are all different.
Campfire Lass: (Scottish accent) Yahoo soda. Just dr-r-r-r-rink it.
Rhonda: (seductively) Yahoo soda. Just... drink it.
Helga: (bossily) Yahoo soda. Just drink it.
Arnold: (plainly) Yahoo soda. Just drink it.
Harold: Uh... Yahoo soda. (microphone feedback shrieks) What is it again?
Director: Number 248.
(Oskar Kokoshka is dressed in blue overall shorts, a red bow tie, and a blue and white beanie hat. He's also holding a big magenta colored lollipop in his right hand.)
Oskar: Drink Yahoo soda, it's really great. I'm telling you it's the best soda, okay?
Director: How old are you?
Oskar: I'm 7 years old. I'm a little kid, see?
Director: Next! (Oskar groans)
- Stinky hopes he can remember all the words the director wants him to say for the first commercial. Arnold tells him he will be okay.
Director: (through a megaphone) All right, people. Let's put one down.
Arnold: I think that means they're ready to start filming. Break a leg.
Stinky: Why would I want to do that? (rimshot)
- Harold laughs as he runs through piles of mud at school.
Harold: (to Lorenzo's mother) Look at me! I'm all muddy and I smell! (continues laughing)
- Lorenzo's cells phone rings and he answers it as Mr. Simmons is talking.
Mr. Simmons: Uh, Lorenzo, we don't allow phones in this classroom.
Lorenzo: But, it's a call. I have to take it. (other students laugh at him)
- Lorenzo panics because his limo driver Peter is running 3 to 3½ minutes late and his personal schedule will be messed up. Arnolds tries to make him calm down.
Arnold: Wait. Slow down, Lorenzo. You sound like you're 30 years old.
Lorenzo: Oh, thank you.
Arnold: No. See, that wasn't a compliment.
- When playing baseball in the street,note Lorenzo picks up the ball and throws it into a garbage can.
- Helga, Sid, Stinky, Gerald, Harold, Arnold, and Lorenzo (in that order, left to right) are lying down on the grass in the park, observing the shapes of clouds in the sky. Lorenzo gives a literal answer.
Gerald: (pointing) A guy in a chef's hat.
Harold: A Mr. Fudgie.
Arnold: A Scottish terrier.
Lorenzo: Rising cumulonimbus formations?
(Gerald, Harold, and Arnold sit up and look at him.)
- At the pier, Lorenzo throws a rock at an (off-screen) boat with glass and the glass breaks. The kids run away.
- The kids get popsicles from the Jolly Olly Man. Harold consumes his frozen treat a certain way.
Harold: Yeah, I like to eat 'em in one bite. (chomps down the whole popsicle and is startled) Ahh! Ahh! Brain freeze! I hate this! (his friends laugh as he gets up and starts running) Ahh, it hurts! Mommy!
- At the dump, Harold walks across a pipe hovering over a big mud pile.
Harold: (taunting) Come on, ya big bunch of wussy babies! (He laughs, then loses his balance) Oh, whoa, whoa! (kids laugh)
- Under the influence of laughing gas, Helga spins around in the dentist's chair several times and crashes to the floor.
- Still influenced by laughing gas, Helga leaves a message for Arnold (regarding how she loves him) on the answering machine at the boarding house. The gas wears off. Helga, realizing what she's done as people are laughing at her, shrieks loudly. Cut to Arnold and Gerald walking towards the boarding house.
Arnold: Did you hear something just now?
- Arnold opens the boarding house's front door. The animals run out and knock over the Checkers game Grandpa Phil and Oskar Kokoshka were playing.
- Helga decides to sneak into the boarding house by stealing the Campfire Lass' uniform.
- Mr. Hyunh wants to know what Helga is doing with the boarding house's main floor telephone.
Helga: (stammers) Oh, I was just checking to see if it's working correctly. I-I'm an intern at public phone school.
Mr. Hyunh: Public phone school? What a crazy town!
- Stuck in an air vent as Arnold and his friends occupy the hallway, Helga calls for help with a cell phone.
Helga: Phoebe, it's Helga. Listen, this is the mother of all emergencies, so what I'm about to ask you, you should just do. And don't ask me why and don't say you're really not the kind of person that can actually do something like this and just do it! 'Kay?
Caesar: (angrily) I don't know what you're talking about! Stop calling me! (hangs up, dial tone)
- Phoebe bribes the Jolly Olly Man to park in front of the boarding house and give away ice cream for free to the boys.
Harold: Hey! That sounds like the Jolly Olly Man!
Curly: He should be all the way across town at this hour. What a bizarre turn of events. (the boys go outside and get ice cream)
- Grandma Gertie tells Arnold about the message for him on the answering machine.
Grandma Gertie: Oh, yes, here it is. Helen of Troy. Yes, and Miss Troy wanted to tell you that she was selling a kind of passion fruit drink or something.
Grandma Gertie: You know, I really don't like telephone solicitations. Why would you want to buy a soft drink over the phone, I ask ya? And you know, they always seem to call right at dinnertime.
(Arnold and Gerald both shrug and run up to Arnold's bedroom.)
- The boys are shocked to see Helga enter Arnold's bedroom covered in dust via the retractable sofa. She quietly leaves with the answering machine tape.
Arnold: So, about the go-cart... (conversation resumes)
- The Campfire Lass and her friends chase Helga for stealing the uniform. (FIN)
- When bouncing on a trampoline in Lorenz's bedroom, Sid crashes a remote-controlled helicopter into a model train rolling along an elevated track going around the room's perimeter.
- Sid startles Arnold at lunch in school; Arnold spills milk all over himself.
- Sid doesn't know what the remote in Arnold's bedroom does for the features in there. By pressing random buttons, he blasts heavy metal music, surfs different radio channels, rearranges the ceiling light fixtures, makes Arnold's alarm clock go off, and moves the retractable sofa back into the wall with him on it.
Sid: Wanna ride the couch?
- Arnold lets Sid borrows his room again, but Sid stills wants Arnold gone.
Sid: NO! You're out of the room, that's the plan. I mean, you should go out. Take an hour to clear your head. You've been working too hard. I know! Take in a movie. My treat. (hands Arnold money) Go on, have popcorn. Shoo!
- Sid rearranges Arnold's room again when Grandpa Phil knocks on the door with Lorenzo next to him.
Grandpa Phil: Your friend Loredo's here.
Sid: Oh, thanks.
Grandpa Phil: How'd you get rid of Arnold? Bribe him?
Sid: (stammers) Grandpa, I don't know what you're talking about.
Grandpa Phil: Grandpa? Wh- now, wait a minute. What's your name again?
Sid: (to Lorenzo) He likes to joke. (ushers Grandpa Phil out of the room)
Grandpa Phil: Eeeeehhh, well, don't mess anything up in this room or the short- (Sid shuts the door) man will have your head.
Lorenzo: Who's the short man?
Sid: Oh, um, he's referring to an imaginary leprechaun.
- Sid has Lorenzo leave Arnold's room by using the roof.
Lorenzo: This is a pretty weird place.
- As soon as Lorenzo and Sid go to the boarding house to get a CD they left behind, Grandpa Phil is immediately waiting for them, opening the door without them knocking.
Grandpa Phil: Oh, it's the "I promise I swear never again" kid. Well, go on up. Arnold's in his room
Sid: (laughing) Oh, grandpa.
Grandpa Phil: (scratches his head) Kid thinks I'm his grandpa.
- The Jolly Olly Man stops his ice cream truck on the road for Peapod. Peapod asks for a snow cone. Arnold tries to help, but the Jolly Olly Man doesn't want him doing anything. After taking the money Peapod gave to Arnold away from Arnold, the Jolly Olly Man gets out of the back of the ice cream truck, climbs into the cab, and drives away with the tires screeching, leaving Peapod with nothing.
Peapod: Wait, where's my snow cone?
- The Jolly Olly Man is busy dealing with kids in the park who want ice cream. Amongst all the shouting by the kids, he throws a pink popsicle which lands on the ground in front of a boy.
Boy: Hey, you gave me strawberry. I wanted chocolate.
Jolly Olly Man: We're outta chocolate. Take it or leave it, kid. Now which one of you munchkins wanted Italian ice?
Boy with Glasses: Me, me! (holds up a $10 bill)
Jolly Olly Man: YOU MUST BE KIDDING, JUNIOR! YOU GOTTA HAVE SOMETHING SMALLER THAN A 10! (He throws the money back, hitting the boy's face, then talks to Arnold.) YOU! (Arnold looks up) Put this back in the freezer. (he throws Arnold the Italian ice container)
Jolly Olly Man: (yelling) BUT NOTHING! I make the rules around here. I run the show. (he gets out of the back) Okay, let's go. (shuts the door)
(Kids are shouting as they chase the ice cream truck which still has its right side doors open.)
Arnold: Hey, stop the truck. Some kids are trying to catch up.
Jolly Olly Man: Is that so? (He stops driving; the kids catch up. The Jolly Olly Man then shifts gears and drives away with the tires screeching again, laughing menacingly.)
- Helga talks to Vic and Morrie plus 2 other guys who are arrested for robbing a bank and are sitting in the back of a police truck.
Helga: Hope you boys like prison food, 'cause you'll be getting a lot of it. Ha ha ha! (she shuts the door)
- Arnold is shocked to hear the Jolly Olly Man's dad is going to fire him if his ice cream truck supply isn't gone by 6:00 P.M.
Jolly Olly Man: You don't know the half of it. 57 jobs and I've been fired from every one of 'em. (sobbing) WHY, why, why?!
(He bangs his head on the left rear side of the ice cream truck each time he says "Why," leaving a big dent.)
Jolly Olly Man: (moaning) AWWW, GREAT! That's gonna come outta my salary.
- Arnold helps the Jolly Olly Man be more polite to customers buying ice cream.
Arnold: (voiceover) Treat your customers with respect. Always say "please" and "thank you."
Jolly Olly Man: Please take your crummy change and thanks for nothin'. (scene cut)
Arnold: (voiceover) A positive attitude makes a big difference. Give your customers a friendly smile.
(The Jolly Olly Man adjusts his face into a Slasher Smile, which makes 3 kids gasp and run away screaming.)
- The Jolly Olly Man believes his progress with Arnold means the ice cream supply in the truck is almost gone. He finds out that's not true.
Jolly Olly Man: (loudly) WE'VE BEEN SELLING OUR BRAINS OUT AND WE STILL GOT HALF A FREEZER FULL OF ICE CREAM?! AWWW... WE'LL NEVER GET RID OF ALL THIS BY SUNDOWN.
- Grandpa Phil complains about how the boarding house is always falling apart. Then Mr. Hyunh, Ernie Potts, and Oskar Kokoshka walk into the family room and give their complaints to Arnold and him.
Mr. Hyunh: Grandpa, you need to fix the toilet. It stinks very badly upstairs!
Ernie: Hey gramps, some kid threw a ball through my window, and I want it fixed pronto, old man!
Oskar: (partially overlapping Ernie's dialogue) Grandpa, the floor is covered with bugs. When are you going to spray and kill these vermits?
Grandpa Phil: (loudly) STOP yellin' and making a fuss, will ya?! I'll fix everything and kill the bugs when I get done doin' all the other junk I have to do around this broken down dump!
Ernie: What about my busted window? That's not gonna go away!
Oskar: These horrible bugs will take over the whole house.
Mr. Hyunh: When are you going to fix the toilet, Grandpa?!
Ernie: Ix-nay on the toilet tay! (Grandpa Phil covers his ears as they argue)
- More complaining goes on at dinnertime, as rain water drips from the ceiling into the dining room.
Mr. Hyunh: The wallpaper in my room is peeling again.
Ernie: So fix it yourself. You keep tellin' us how handy you are.
Oskar: (his stomach growls) Oh Suzie, I have a cramp in my stomach from this terrible food.
Ernie: Put a sock in it, Kokoshka! Everyday it's (mocking) "Oh Suzie, I got a cramp in my stomach." (normal) All you do is sit around and complain. (spits out his soup) Ugh! Can't we get any decent grub in this house?!
Mr. Hyunh: What about my wallpaper?
Ernie: All right with the wallpaper, Hyunh...
- In an attempt to change Grandpa Phil's mind about selling the boarding house, Arnold tells his grandpa what he is going to do with Ernie, Mr. Hyunh, and Oskar. They're going to fix Ernie's window and put up new wallpaper in Mr. Hyunh's room.
Grandpa Phil: (exaggerating) Oh, I see. Oh, that's very nice. You're all being polite and courteous and helpful. Almost like you care about each other. (he turns around, starts speaking seriously, and they gasp) WELL I DON'T BUY your act for a second, ya bunch of fakers! Come tomorrow, I'm signin' the contract and sellin' the boarding house, once and for all! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
- Suzie Kokoshka shows Grandpa Phil a slideshow.
This is the first day Oskar and I moved into the boarding house. (Tne slide shows newlyweds Oskar and Susie moving in and Susie is the one carrying Oskar in a Bridal Carry.)
See how happy we were?
Ernie: That didn't last, did it?
Arnold: (frowning) Shh!
- Grandpa Phil is mad Arnold doesn't want to leave for Casa Paradiso and chooses to stay with the boarding house residents.
Arnold: Don't you want to be a part of this family, grandpa?
(Grandma Gertie walks up behind Grandpa Phil playing a ukulele.)
Grandma Gertie: Home is where the family is, Phil.
Grandpa Phil: (flabbergasted) What the-? Where'd you come from all of a sudden?! Now you're gonna make sense, is that it?! (sarcastic) Oh, great timing, Pookie.
- Stinky asks Grandpa Phil what Pig War Day is.
Stinky: What's Pig War Day?
Grandpa Phil: Only the infamous day when our fair city won its independence from those treacherous Redcoats.
Sid: Who are the Redcoats?
Grandpa Phil: The British!
Sid: Oh, of course the British, yeah. — Who are the British?
Grandpa Phil: What do they teach you kids in school nowadays?
- Grandpa Phil explains the history of the Pig War to Arnold and his friends. The kids ask what happened when the war broke out and he responds, "WE WON, ya ninnies!"
- The 2 teams representing the Americans and the British meet at Elk Island.
Rex Smythe-Higgins I: You're late, as usual.
Grandpa Phil: Why, it's my arch-nemesis, Rex Smythe-Higgins.
Arnold: And his grandson, Rex III.note
RSH I: And I believe by the rules in the Pig War charter, that gives us the right of first insult. Your costumes are atrocious.
Rex Smythe-Higgins III: And your so-called pig looks malnourished. What do you feed the little runt?
Arnold: (angrily) Hey! (Gerald holds him back; Rex III laughs)
Grandpa Phil: Hey-ey, easy, man. This is the customary exchange of insults. However, that was 2 insults! According to the charter, that means we get 2 insults as well.
Gerald: You walk like you got an umbrella in your pants. (weird rimshot)
RSH I: Was that an insult?
British Kid: (Liverpool accent) Aye, sir. I must have caught it. Yes, sir.
RSH I: Hmm, very well, that's one.
Grandpa Phil: And, you couldn't catch this pig if your life depended on it, ya broken-down old fossil! (American side kids agreeing)
- As the kids begin to chase Abner through the Elk Island forest, Rex Smythe-Higgins I is stopped by a low tree branch.
RSH I: Oh, curses! You there, minion. Cut short this foul hemlock which hath so offended me.
British Kid: (Liverpool accent) Sorry, govnah. I don't understand when you talk all fancy like that.
RSH I: Chop down the bloody tree, you idiot!
- Arnold demands Rex Smythe-Higgins III to give Abner back to him. He administers something else to Arnold instead.
Arnold: I'm serious, Rex. Give me the pig!
RSH III: What I'll give you is a volley of rotten pomegranates and old cabbages. Here. (to his team members) You may fire when ready.
(Arnold gasps as Rex III and his friends pelt Arnold with food while laughing and jeering.)
- The American team decides to sneak their way into Fort Porcero by constructing a wooden pig on wheels and hiding inside, similar to the Trojan Horse.
RSH I: Why in blazes did you wake me?
RSH III: They seem to be surrendering, grandfather. They brought a gift, look.
RSH I: Hmm, some kind of pig; clever that. (shouts) Halt! Who goes there?
Grandpa Phil: (mutters) Ehh, who do you think, prune face? (yelling) It's the Americans!
RSH I: Well, what do you want?
Grandpa Phil: (exaggerating) We realize that we can't possibly win, and offer this gift as a token of our esteem to your vast superiority.
RSH I: Oh, this is indeed sweet. Savor this, Rex [III]. The moment when your enemy comes to grovel. (shouts) Open the gate!
British Kid: (Liverpool accent)
Uh, sir, there's a uh, historical precedent
to this, and I think we should consider...
RSH I: Your job is not to consider. Your job is to blow the hunting horn. Is that clear? Open the gate.
British Kid: (Liverpool accent) Aye, sir. (He pulls the lever to make the gate open.)
(Grandpa Phil walks in, dragging the wooden pig.)
Arnold: (inside the wooden pig) Ready?
(The kids break out, yelling war cries. The British Kid extends his arms and hands out, as if to tell Rex Smythe-Higgins I "See? I tried to warn you.")
- Arnold, Helga, and Stinky are discussing the baseball game they just played with their other friends.
Helga: Why'd you have to bunt, Arnold? Wolfgang threw you a cream puff. You coulda knocked it outta the park.
Stinky: I reckon it was the right play, Helga. Iggy was on third. He was the go-ahead run.
Arnold: Sometimes you have to make a sacrifice so the team can win.
Helga: Well, that's a great theory, football head. Except for one thing: (shouts) We LOST!
- "Coach" Jack Wittenberg (voiced by James Belushi) tells Arnold he is re-marrying his wife Tish for a second time on Saturday. He wants Arnold to be his Best Man. Arnold asks him why.
Jack: Well, a guy's Best Man is supposed to be his best friend, right? When I made a list of all my friends, I came to one conclusion.
Arnold: What's that?
Jack: I don't have any. Except you, Arnie.
- Tish Wittenberg informs Helga about Arnold being Jack's Best Man. Helga then has an imagine spot of her marrying Arnold, accompanied with joyful organ music.
Minister: Do you, Helga, take Arnold as your lawfully wedded husband?
Helga: I do. I do. I do! Oh, I do!
Tish: Why are you screaming, "I do, I do."?
Helga: (slowly) Um, because I do agree to be your Maid of Honor. (she giggles nervously)
- At Tux-R-Us (a tuxedo rental place), Arnold, Gerald, Sid, and Stinky are wearing tuxedos needed for the wedding, making sure they fit properly.
Sid: We look like undertakers.
Stinky: (in front of a tall mirror) I like it. I reckon I'm gonna keep it over a couple extra days, and wear it to school on Monday.
Sid: Stinky, you're a weird kid.
Stinky: I know, but I look snazzy. (Cut to Helga in a bridal shop wearing a big pink dress with white lace)
Helga: I look like a moron.
- Helga tells Tish how she hates mushy stuff related to feeling goofy inside for some guy and that she will never get married. Then she stands in front of the mirror and goes back to her vision of marrying Arnold, with more organ music.
Helga: I do. I do, I do. I do, I do!
Helga: (slowly) Because I do really love this dress. (she giggles nervously again)
- Inside a jewelry shop, Arnold is helping Jack pick out a wedding ring for Tish.
Jack: That's the one. (pointing) The one with the real big diamond.
Arnold: It's $6,000.
Jack: Uh, I meant the one ne-next to it with the real small cubic zirconium.
Arnold: That's $450.
(Jack sweats and groans. Then there's a cut to him standing outside a candy store next to a gumball machine with rings inside.)
Jack: This is the one. (inserts a quarter and gets a ring)
Arnold: (deadpan) That's 25 cents, coach.
Jack: Perfect! Tish'll love it.
- Jack and Tish challenge each other in competition. The montage includes eating food, arm wrestling, thumb wrestling, paper football field goals, flinging cherries into glasses of water with a spoon, and jump-rope jumping.
- Helga catches the bouquet thrown by Tish. She smiles thinking about Arnold, swoons, and falls to the floor of the church.
Arnold: (lifts Helga up) Helga, are you all right?
Helga: (dreamily) I do, I do. I do, oh, I do... (opens her eyes) not want you to ever touch me again, football head!
Arnold: Uh, okay. (he drops her)
- Phoebe gives the definition of "geek" to the other kids who weren't invited to Rhonda's cool party. They have a conversation about it.
Phoebe: Oliver's dictionary of American slang defines geek as a circus performer whose job is to bite the head off a live chicken for the audience's amusement.
Harold: (disgusted) Bite the head off a chicken?
Eugene: Well, that's totally unfair. None of us bite off chicken heads — except Curly.
Curly: Yeah! And that was just the one time! (kids all agree)
Sid: I'm actually kinda mad about this geek list, you know?
Eugene: It hurts when this kind of thing happens.
We got (shoves Eugene away, he yelps)
feelings, too. I bet Rhonda thinks I'm a geek because I'm FAT AND LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS!
Curly: And I'll be she thinks I'm a geek 'cause my dad cuts my hair with a bowl!
I bet she thinks I'm a geek because of my huge nose.
Stinky: It's not that huge, Sid.
Sid: Thanks, Stinky. But you're just saying that because you have the biggest honker in the whole city — no offense.
Stinky: None taken.
- After Arnold leaves Rhonda's cool party, he meets up with Gerald. Gerald tells Arnold that he lied about having plans that night, then offers a suggestion of what to do next.
Gerald: You wanna go throw rocks at Helga throwing rocks at a dumpster?
- The group thinks of ways to get back at Rhonda. Curly offers a completely bizarre suggestion.
Harold: I say we all go over and crash Rhonda's party and eat all of her food! (kids shout "Yeah!")
Helga: Well, I say we get a carload of horse manure and leave it on her porch! (kids shout "Yeah!" again)
Curly: I say we paint ourselves with tiger stripes, and go free all the animals at the zoo!
(Arnold, Gerald, Helga, Stinky, Harold, and Eugene all stare at him)
Helga: Fine, Curly. We'll meet you there in an hour.
Curly: Hooray! (he laughs maniacally and runs away)
Helga: Poor twisted little freak.
- Park and Peapod ditch Rhondas cool party (so they can go to Arnolds geek party) through the means of Peapod faking a headache.
Park: Something's goin' on at Arnold's.
Peapod: It looks like some kind of bizarre, out-of-control happening.
Park: Whatever it is, it looks a lot more fun than this.
Peapod: Here, here good fellow. Let's bid a hasty retreat. (to Rhonda and Nadine) Um, Rhonda, I'm terribly, terribly, terribly sorry. My headache has actually grown worse, and I fear I must take my leave.
Park: Yeah, I'd better go with him, too. You know, make sure he's okay. Thanks for the toast points. (they leave, Rhonda frowns) Come on, lets go to Arnolds. (Peapod shuts Rhonda's front door)
Peapod: I hear you on that one.
- Park and Peapod run by Wolfgang and Edmund on their way to the boarding house.
Wolfgang: Hey, fourth grader. What's goin' on? (Park and Peapod briefly stop)
Park: Party at Arnold's house! (Peapod and him continue running to the party.)
Wolfgang: (to Edmund) Come on, let's go.
Edmund: But Wolfgang, they're fourth graders. If we went, wouldn't we be uncool?
Edmund: Why not?
Edmund: Wow, Wolfgang. You're really smart.
Wolfgang: Duh... Come on. (Edmund laughs) Let's go.
- At Arnold's geek party, Gerald slides under the limbo stick and bumps into a dancing Eugene, who crashes into the punch bowl and falls to the roof's floor, saying "I'm okay." He gets up and spins the punch bowl on his head.
- After Rhonda is accepted into the geek party, Curly is seen riding a giraffe which is part of a stampede of zoo animals.
Curly: (maniacal laughter) Free the animals! (more maniacal laughter) (FIN)