"Dobby relished his groinsaw's roar as he withdrew the flesh-choked blade from the astronaut's ruined skull. He turned to Harry, thrusting his bloody, retina-covered pelvis with elfin fervor."
—The very first line
There are some Fan Fics that you won't forget. This is one of them. It a Harry Potter fanfic, just like My Immortal. It's So Bad, It's Good, just like My Immortal, it has extreme Canon Defilement, just like My Immortal. However, the two are different in one key detail: whereas My Immortal was (in theory) written by a Wangsty 13 year old girl, this was (in theory) written by an insane 13 year old boy; as one reviewer describes it, it is like "enter[ing] an amalgamation of the mindsets of David Lynch and Richard Chase." So, instead of goffic sorrow and vampires, we get groinsaws and demonic astronauts in the very first sentence. Instead of various emo goff bands playing every night in the same wizard town for no apparent reason, we get Fuckslayer, a guitar from a dimension where all screamed for naught, wrought from the silver heart of heaven's false promise, laced with vessels that pulsed with angel's menstrual blood, hewn from the horns of Satan's generals. And yes, that is a direct quote.What the hell are we talking about? Why, Thirty Hs of course. "Thirty Hs" isn't actually the fanfic's name; like everyone's favorite Eldritch Abomination, it's just shorter and easier to remember than its real name of HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, and can be pronounced without first contracting bronchitis.Has a wonderfully disturbingDramatic Readingof the first five chapters. Also has an incredibly hammy reading of the first six chapters, and the seventh by Man Without A Body. And another reading of chapters one through seven was produced by Pamachu. In addition, Jake Englishs Mysterious Theater Of Scientific Romance From The Year 3000 has done an MST, which you can see here.Also, the guy who wrote it does stuff with puppets. It's about what you'd expect it to be.
''Thirty Hs'' provides examples of:
Action Prologue: Begins with Harry and Dobby, wearing "space armour" adorned with groinsaws and lightning-spitting skulls, fighting astronauts from hell. It only gets better from there.
Aerith and Bob: The names of the Inquisitors - Ignatius and Billy.
Art Major Physics: No, not Art Major. It was the fart of a firefly turned into a ravenous beast, shredding all those in its path, as Harry reached from an atom and split it, killing the fuck out of the beast.
Batman Can Breathe in Space: In the second chapter, Harry flies through space on a meteor, with no explanation as to how he can breathe. This may be the least ridiculous thing about the fic.
Beeping Computers: In the laboratory of the strange old man and his toothpick weasel, there are computers that serve no purpose beyond soft hums and blinking lights.
Behind a Stick: Rape Radbury appears "from behind nothing much". Yet, he's ten feet tall...
Big Lipped Alligator Movie: Pretty much ever scene in this work is bizarre, out of nowhere, and never mentioned again.
Black Comedy Rape: The rape ape and Rape Radbury. The astronauts in the first chapter wind up getting raped by demonic spheres in hell.
Blatant Lies: This fic is tagged under Angst/Romance, and the characters as Bellatrix Lestrange and Seamus Finnigan.
Dark Is Not Evil: Neither Rape Radbury nor the Eldritch Abomination posing as a scientist seem to be particularly awful people. Then again, anyone looks less awful when Harry is around.
Department of Redundancy Department: A borderline example in the line "We are bound in this ligature of lingam, Brother Rape Ape." 'Ligature' and 'lingam' both mean 'symbol', although 'lingam' is often used to refer specifically to phallic symbols. It is the rape ape, after all.
Disintegrator Ray: Dobby's armor fires a beam of light at one of the astronauts, boiling his flesh in another dimension.
Dissimile: "Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading."
Earth-Shattering Kaboom: Harry "kills the fuck out of" two planets during the course of the story, and Dumblecop kicks another one in half.
Evil Weapon: Fuckslayer is a particularly unholy example; it's made out of angel menstrual blood, the horns of Satan and his generals, and heaven itself. Harry stores it in a dimension where all screams for naught. It can also destroy planets.
Is it a sin, should a man feel like faggarting a sun or a thousand? Why should the suns heave through the void, if not to be skewer't bypon ourn fagpoles?
Fiction 500: Rape Radbury, who "has more money than anyone".
Five-Token Band: Parodied with a 5.8 Token Band which has "an array of genders and races that would leave no one unhappy, save for the Eskimos."
For the Evulz: Apparently Harry's motivation, though he doesn't really seem to get a kick out of it. In fact, he seems more annoyed by the insanity than anything else, such as having him harassed by Rape Radbury, being bound by a Rape Ape and left alone as the children of all different nations and ethnicities (save the Eskimos) bind with the Rape Ape to spread amongst the stars, and being harassed by a weasel with toothpicks for legs.
Gag Penis: The Rape Ape's body is apparently made up entirely of these.
"I am no longer Scrumblegort." The ancient man dropped some of the planets he was juggling. "The worlds have shifted. I am Dumblecop, of the Darkmeal."
In Medias Res: It starts with a battle between Harry, Dobby and demonic astronauts, which, like everything else, has nothing to do with anything and is never explained.
In Name Only: Literally, the only similarities with Harry Potter are the names of Harrry, Dobby, Ron and Dumbledore (only the first time). There' s one mention of Hogwarts getting destroyed by Harry.
Harry: Gumbledorp, if you don't stop, we'll starve, and no one will be around to kill everyone in the universe if we get around to bringing everyone back to life after we killed them.
Kill 'em All: Harry's objective. Notable in that he has done so several times.
Harry: Gumbledorp, if you don't stop, we'll starve, and no one will be around to kill everyone in the universe if we get around to bringing everyone back to life after we killed them.
The Men in Black: The old man in the seventh chapter could be interpreted as this, seeing as he's in a laboratory and he has the apparent power to control Harry. He also seems scientific and addresses Harry as "a son". There's also quite a bit of Eldritch Abomination thrown into the mix, seeing as he can remove his own head.
No Ending: Granted, it doesn't exactly follow much of a story structure in the first place, but the end of last chapter doesn't really give much resolution to even itself.
Omnicidal Maniac: After killing everybody in the universe, Harry admonishes Dumbledore to conserve food, otherwise they'll starve, and no one will be around to revive them just to kill them again.
Our Vampires Are Different: In the second chapter, we get astral vampires which are able to bite even when only their head remains, causing vampire cavemen on Mars when Harry throws the heads back into time to Mars, where, er, they bite cavemen.
Harry, to the point that he can do absolutely anything the writer needs him to do in order to have epic descriptions of whatever the hell is going on in the story. He can see sub-atomic particles by squinting, and somehow killed the fuck out of Mercury (not the god, the actual planet), and then killed the fuck out of Venus with Mercury's carcass.
There's also Dumblecop of the Darkmeal, who kicks a planet in half, for no apparent reason, just because he can. With a leg, made out of pistols.
Rule Of Cool: There is absolutely zero logical plot progression, however, there are legs made out of pistols, vampire caveman on Mars and a cursed book with pages MADE OUT OF LASERS and words made out of dragons, made out of motorcycles, making godless love to headless women.
Satiating Sandwich: Subverted — Harry does not like the "cabbagewich", which might explain why it was the last piece of food on the planet of Surf Ninjas.
Scary Impractical Armor: Dobby's "elfin space armor" has skulls on the shoulders and a groinsaw.
Serial Escalation: It's THAT over-the-top and tops itself many times throughout the chapters.
Harry then did fly his meteor through space, [DragonForce starts playing] punching astral vampires in half with his fists encased in fuckfire and throwing their ruined heads into the past where they bit cavemen on mars so that history changed and now there are vampire cavemen on mars.
Shaped Unlike Itself: Dumbledore calls Harry from his Moonbase which isn't on a moon.
Dumblecop: Is it a sin, should a man feel like faggarting a sun or a thousand? Why should the suns heave through the void, if not to be skewer't bypon ournfagpoles?
Spot of Tea: Chumblebort offers Harry tea and "chumpits." Harry declines, as he hates chumpits.
Surreal Horror: The seventh chapter involves warped turtles, bald ferrets with toothpicks for legs, a glass of thumb-water, and the head of an Eldritch Abomination on a spike.
Trailers Always Lie: Similar to the above mentioned pairing between characters who never appear in the fic, the fic is categorized as "Angst/Romance". The summary, on the other hand, is a fairly honest representation of a few of the events in this fic, which is otherwise virtually impossible to summarize.
Surprisingly for this sort of thing, the author uses proper punctuation, spelling, and grammar. It's somehow better simply because readers don't have to wade through hundreds of misspellings and commas everywhere.
Villain Protagonist: Harry — so evil he distorts reality. The closest one gets to a proper antagonist is the rape ape, who apparently bounded Harry, and the "scientist" in the last chapter.
Your Vagina A Splode: Harry makes "Every vagina in the galaxy explode" after killing the fuck out of Venus, and inside every vagina a booby sang of mortal life's fleeting precipice.
." So, instead of goffic sorrow and vampires, we get groinsaws and demonic astronauts in the very first sentence. Instead of various emo goff bands playing every night in the same wizard town for no apparent reason, we get Fuckslayer, a guitar from a dimension where all screamed for naught, wrought from the silver heart of heaven's false promise, laced with vessels that pulsed with angel's menstrual blood, hewn from the horns of Satan's generals. And yes, that is a direct quote.What the hell are we talking about? Why, Thirty Hs
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