History Fanfic / ThirtyHs

28th Jun '17 11:45:55 AM McJeff
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%%* EverythingsBetterWithMonkeys


%%* EverythingsBetterWithMonkeys* EverythingsBetterWithMonkeys: Assuming Rape Apes are a kind of monkey, that is.
* EvenEvilHasStandards: Harry does not appear to approve of Dumblecop of the Darkmeal's sun-faggarting.
21st May '17 10:34:50 AM SlargTheGnome
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* CargoShip: Dumblecop has a penchant for faggarting suns... a thousand of them, in fact.
9th May '17 9:27:38 PM alexwalter
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* ActionPrologue: Begins with Harry and Dobby, wearing "space armour" adorned with groinsaws and lightning-spitting skulls, fighting astronauts from hell. It only gets better from there.


* ActionPrologue: Begins with Harry and Dobby, wearing "space armour" adorned with groinsaws and lightning-spitting skulls, fighting astronauts from hell. It only gets better more ridiculous from there.
4th Apr '17 5:39:42 AM mariofan1000
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%%* CrackFic


%%* CrackFic* '''CrackFic'''
14th Mar '17 10:10:56 PM spiritsunami
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* RefugeInAudacity: According to the disclaimer that now precedes the fic, this was the intent--to be so over-the-top in offensiveness as to become a caricature, something that the OlderAndWiser author now regrets.
16th Feb '17 12:33:53 AM KingClark
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* CouldntFindAPen: so Wahooley [[{{Squick}} tore off his penis]] ''just to use it as a pen''.


* CouldntFindAPen: so So Wahooley [[{{Squick}} tore off his penis]] ''just to use it as a pen''.
14th Feb '17 6:28:58 PM mariofan1000
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* SlidingScaleOfRealisticVersusFantastic: Way, ''way'' down on the surreal end.
14th Nov '16 10:21:58 PM BossKey
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* PhallicWeapon: The groinsaw is a particularly literal example.

%%* TestosteronePoisoning


%%* TestosteronePoisoning* '''TestosteronePoisoning''': Fighting demonic astronauts with groinsaws, demonic guitars made from the horns of Satan's generals, leg pistols that can kick planets in half... This fic manages to be absurdly, ludicrously over-the-top manly despite making absolutely no sense whatsoever.
7th Nov '16 5:21:55 PM Fighteer
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[[caption-width-right:256:[[TestosteronePoisoning FUCK YEAH!]]]]

->''"Dobby relished his groinsaw's roar as he withdrew the flesh-choked blade from the astronaut's ruined skull."''
-->--'''[[EstablishingSeriesMoment The very first line]]'''

There are some {{Fan Fic}}s that you won't forget. This is one of them. If James Joyce, William S. Burroughs, Alejandro Jodorowsky, Thomas Pynchon, David Cronenberg, and every death metal lyricist ever were all locked in a room with 20 tins of instant coffee, a typewriter and no chance of escape, and given one sleepless weekend to rewrite ''FanFic/MyImmortal'', the results might end up being something like this.

It's a ''Franchise/HarryPotter'' fanfic, just like ''Fanfic/MyImmortal''. It's SoBadItsGood, just like ''My Immortal'', it has extreme CanonDefilement, just like ''My Immortal''. However, the two are different in one key detail: whereas ''My Immortal'' was ([[TrollFic ostensibly]]) written by a {{Wangst}}y 13 year old girl, this was ([[TrollFic ostensibly]]) written by an AxCrazy 13 year old boy.

So, instead of goffic sorrow and vampires, we get groinsaws and demonic astronauts ''in the very first sentence''. Instead of various emo goff bands playing every night in the same wizard town for no apparent reason, we get Fuckslayer, a guitar from a dimension where all screamed for naught, wrought from the silver heart of heaven's false promise, laced with vessels that pulsed with angel's menstrual blood, hewn from the horns of Satan's generals. And yes, that is a direct quote.

What the hell are we talking about? Why, ''[[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2554200/1/HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Thirty Hs]]'' of course. "Thirty Hs" isn't actually the fanfic's name; like everyone's favorite EldritchAbomination, it's just shorter and easier to remember than its real name of ''HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'', and can be pronounced without first contracting bronchitis.

Has a [[CreepyAwesome wonderfully disturbing]] DramaticReading [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVFIxz4B6Js of the first five chapters.]] Also has an [[LargeHam incredibly hammy]] reading of [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2V4VxlsMuQ4 the first six chapters,]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ap4pYT3chzQ the seventh,]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O08ZEN51wBA the eighth,]] and [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZGOVJTU2Pg the ninth]] by prolific dramatic reader, manwithoutabody. And another reading of [[http://pamachu-productions.blogspot.com/2011/06/bonus-episode-thirty-hs-harry-potter.html chapters one through seven]] was produced by {{@/Pamachu}}. In addition, Fanfic/JakeEnglishsMysteriousTheaterOfScientificRomanceFromTheYear3000 has done an MST, which you can see [[http://edrobot.blogspot.com/2012/07/jake-englishs-mysterious-theater-of_21.html here.]] This fic also has an [[VisualNovel/FateStayNight Unlimited HHHHHHHHHH Works]] [[http://i.imgur.com/UKR7Jcg.jpg chant.]]

Also, the guy who wrote it does stuff with puppets. [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCn0sCSf4oY It's about what you'd expect it to be.]]
!![=''Thirty Hs''=] provides examples of:

* ActionPrologue: Begins with Harry and Dobby, wearing "space armour" adorned with groinsaws and lightning-spitting skulls, fighting astronauts from hell. It only gets better from there.
* AerithAndBob: The names of the Inquisitors - Ignatius and Billy.
* AllJustADream: Chapter 9 is a daydream from Harry's imagination. It's almost ''normal'' compared with the madness of the real life events, though still quite bizarre.
* AnimateInanimateObject: There are many of them.
* ArtisticLicenseBiology: Best not to think too hard about how something like a rape ape can exist, unless you want to go stark raving mad.
* ArtisticLicensePhysics: Harry evidently reached from an atom and split it.
* BatmanCanBreatheInSpace: In the second chapter, Harry flies through space on a meteor, with no explanation as to how he can breathe. This may be the ''least'' ridiculous thing about the fic.
* BeepingComputers: In the laboratory of the strange old man and his toothpick weasel, there are computers that serve no purpose beyond soft hums and blinking lights.
* BehindAStick: Rape Radbury appears "from behind nothing much". Yet, he's ten feet tall...
* BlackComedyRape: The rape ape and [[UnfortunateNames Rape Radbury]]. The astronauts in the first chapter wind up getting raped by demonic spheres in hell.
* BlueAndOrangeMorality: None of what Harry or any other character in the fic does seem to follow a set of morals, if they even had some in the first place.
* ChainsawGood: Especially a chainsaw mounted to one's groin.
* ClusterFBomb: "Fuck" appears more than any other word. Curiously, "fuck" in its literal sense is replaced by "[[UnusualEuphemism faggart]]".
* CorruptChurch
** Possibly the inquisitors.
** Wahooley gets ordained as a rabbi. He then gets sent to [[ArtMajorBiology trim the beards of 157 toads]]
* CouldntFindAPen: so Wahooley [[{{Squick}} tore off his penis]] ''just to use it as a pen''.
--->He used it to tear off his penis and write the 13 commandments of America upon a passing eagle, in cock's blood.
* CoversAlwaysLie: Well not exactly a cover, but see that image atop the page? It's lying. Harry never had his own groinsaw.
* CowTools: There are explicitly machines that have no purpose except for blinking lights and soft hums in the laboratory.
%%* CrackFic
* CrapsackWorld: The ecology of Surf Ninja Moon X is decimated to the point that the only food left is a cabbage [[spoiler:(which was actually cartilage)]] and mustard sandwich. Which is promptly eaten by Harry.
* CreepyCrossdresser: Harry wears women's underpants. So do the inquisitors. [[NonSequitur Because of this, they realize they're all men of the Lord]].
* DarkIsNotEvil: Neither Rape Radbury nor the EldritchAbomination posing as a scientist seem to be particularly awful people. Then again, anyone looks less awful when Harry is around.
* DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment: A borderline example in the line "We are bound in this ligature of lingam, Brother Rape Ape." 'Ligature' and 'lingam' both mean 'symbol', although 'ligature' also means something that binds, and 'lingam' is often used to refer specifically to phallic symbols. It ''is'' the rape ape, after all.
* DisintegratorRay: Dobby's armor fires a beam of light at one of the astronauts, boiling his flesh in another dimension.
* {{Dissimile}}: "Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading."
* {{Eagleland}}: Mentioned in the eighth chapter, now turned into some sort of phallus-based hellhole founded in blood. If you can understand what the five Presidents are doing, our hats are off to you, you patriotic (and insane) patriot.
* EarthShatteringKaboom: Harry "kills the fuck out of" two planets during the course of the story, and Dumblecop kicks another one in half.
%%* EverythingsBetterWithMonkeys
* EvilWeapon: Fuckslayer is a particularly unholy example; it's made out of angel menstrual blood, the horns of Satan and his generals, and ''heaven itself''. Harry stores it in a dimension where all screams for naught. [[EarthShatteringKaboom It can also destroy planets]].
* EyeScream: In the first chapter.
-->"How does Ronnie Ron taste, master?"\\
Harry spat out an eyeball. "Like some kid with eyes."
** Dobby's groinsaw is covered in retinas at this time.
* FaceHeelTurn: Dumbledore goes through something vaguely resembling one - he and Harry kill things and screw around with continuity until the worlds shift and he becomes Dumblecop of the Darkmeal.
* {{Fiction 500}}: Rape Radbury, who "has more money than anyone".
* FiveTokenBand: Parodied with a 5.8 Token Band which has "an array of genders and races that would leave no one unhappy, [[SubvertedTrope save for the Eskimos]]."
* ForTheEvulz: [[MindScrew Apparently]] Harry's motivation, though he doesn't really seem to get a kick out of it. In fact, he seems more annoyed by the insanity than anything else, such as having him harassed by Rape Radbury, being bound by a Rape Ape and left alone as the children of all different nations and ethnicities (save the Eskimos) bind with the Rape Ape to spread amongst the stars, and being harassed by a weasel with toothpicks for legs.
* GagPenis: The Rape Ape's body is apparently made up entirely of these.
* GratuitousNinja: At one point, Harry winds up on a planet entirely populated by "Surf Ninjas", who are repeatedly mentioned. Interestingly, they don't actually make an appearance, having annihilated their environment to the point that their last batch of food is a cartilage sandwich.
* GroinAttack:
** The [[ChainsawGood groinsaw]] probably counts as a bizarre inversion.
** President Wahooey tore off his penis and wrote an America with it.
* [[{{Hellfire}} Holy Fuckfire]]: Harry can [[WreathedInFlames encase his fists as well as meteors in it]], in order to better kill the fuck out of things.
* HighlyVisibleNinja: "The silent killers of the night had negated their innate advantage by only plying their craft on surf boards. [[TooDumbToLive During the day]]."
* HumanoidAbomination:
** The scientist of the diapers, [[GlamourFailure though he fails at being a convincing humanoid]].
** Possibly Harry and Dumblecop of the Darkmeal as well.
* ICallItVera: Fuckslayer, Harry's unholy guitar.
* IHaveManyNames: Dumbledore's name is different every time.
-->"I am no longer Scrumblegort." The ancient man dropped some of the planets he was juggling. "The worlds have shifted. I am Dumblecop, of the Darkmeal."
* ImAHumanitarian: Harry is implied to have eaten Ron... although he spits out [[EyesAreUnbreakable the eyes]].
* ImpossiblyCoolWeapon: Harry's guitar, Fuckslayer, hewn from the horns of Satan's Generals, and powered by angels' menstrual blood that boils as it plays. It summons planet-killing asteroids.
* IncendiaryExponent: Holy fuckfire. For when you absitively, posolutely have to kill the fuck out of everything. Accept no substitutes.
* InherentlyFunnyWords: Groinsaws, fuckfire, rape ape, chumpits.
* InMediasRes: It starts with a battle between Harry, Dobby and demonic astronauts, which, like everything else, has nothing to do with anything and is never explained.
* InNameOnly: Literally, the only similarities with ''Harry Potter'' are the names of Harrry, Dobby, Ron and Dumbledore (only the first time). There' s ''one'' mention of Hogwarts getting destroyed by Harry.
** Increasingly more in the eighth chapter, where Harry isn't even mentioned and the only link to ''Harry Potter'' is a single mention of "Severus Snapplebottom". The ninth chapter at least mentions him, but only once to say he's daydreaming the events of his section.
* InsaneTrollLogic Take the following sentence:
--->'''Harry''': Gumbledorp, if you don't stop, we'll starve, and no one will be around to kill everyone in the universe if we get around to bringing everyone back to life after we killed them.
** The list of COMMANDMENTS OF AMERICA made from cock's blood. A sampler involves making the new currency of the US are now Starbucks' napkins and not allowing whales to sell you pumpkins.
* KillEmAll: Harry's objective. Notable in that he has done so several times, intentionally or otherwise. The hat in chapter 9 manages to accomplish this after it turns the sun into a giant ball of chocolate and extinguish all life on Earth.
-->'''Harry''': Gumbledorp, if you don't stop, we'll starve, and no one will be around to kill everyone in the universe if we get around to bringing everyone back to life after we killed them.
* KilledOffForReal: Harry has [[OmnicidalManiac killed everyone in the Universe several times]], yet Dobby has yet to reappear since Harry chopped his head off.
* KnightTemplar: Harry is tortured by some [[Series/MontyPythonsFlyingCircus highly unexpected]] inquisitors, until they all realize they're men of the Lord.
* LastOfHisKind: A rape ape. No, THE rape ape. The last of his kind after the subjugation of the rapeforest.
* LawyerFriendlyCameo: "[[Creator/RayBradbury Rape Radbury]]", who writes critically acclaimed fiction that always turns into fact and has more money than anyone.
* LegCannon: Dumblecop's leg is made of pistols. However, he doesn't shoot with it, preferring to kick planets in half.
* LighterAndSofter: Chapter 9, while still utterly bizzare and filled with violent sexual imagery, has a much more cheery style and is almost entirely about Rainbows and Chocolate. It helps that Harry isn't present for most of this.
* LowerDeckEpisode: Harry takes a break from Fuckslaying to let the Presidents take prominence in chapter eight.
* MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext: Nothing that happens in this fic makes any sense at all.
* TheMenInBlack: The old man in the seventh chapter could be interpreted as this, seeing as he's in a laboratory and he has the apparent power to control Harry. He also seems scientific and addresses Harry as "a son". There's also quite a bit of EldritchAbomination thrown into the mix, seeing as he can ''remove his own head''.
* MindScrew: Don't try to make sense of whatever plot it has, just relish in it.
* NewPowersAsThePlotDemands: Harry. Then again he might have had them since whenever he became a demonic spawn PhysicalGod.
* NinetiesAntiHero: Harry is a [[ParodySue hilariously over-the-top example]].
* NinjaPirateZombieRobot: Many and varied. Vampire Cavemen on Mars stands out as something you've likely never heard before.
* NoCelebritiesWereHarmed: Rape Radbury is apparently a stand-in for Creator/RayBradbury.
* NonIndicativeName
** The Rape Ape never actually rapes anyone, and neither does Rape Radbury.
** The Moonbase is specifically ''not'' on the moon.
* OmnicidalManiac: After killing everybody in the universe, Harry admonishes Dumbledore to conserve food, otherwise they'll starve, and no one will be around to revive them ''just to kill them again''.
* OurVampiresAreDifferent: In the second chapter, we get astral vampires which are able to bite even when only their head remains, causing vampire cavemen on Mars when Harry throws the heads back into time to Mars, where, er, they bite cavemen.
* ParodySue: Harry, who is also a GodModeSue ''and'' a VillainSue.
* PhysicalGod:
** Harry, to the point that he can do absolutely anything the writer needs him to do in order to have epic descriptions of [[MindScrew whatever the hell is going on]] in the story. He can see sub-atomic particles by squinting, and somehow killed the fuck out of Mercury (not the god, the actual planet), and then killed the fuck out of Venus with ''Mercury's carcass''.
** There's also Dumblecop of the Darkmeal, who kicks a planet in half, for no apparent reason, just because he can. With a leg, made out of pistols.
* PowerMetal: Used in manwithoutabody's DramaticReading.
* ThePowerOfRock: Fuckslayer.
-->'''Dumbledore''': Harry, you must rock the fuck out.
* PresidentEvil
** Possibly the President of Pangea, who hangs out with omnicidal god Dumbledorp.
** Possibly the five Presidents.
* PurpleProse: The fic may read like the ramblings of a TalkativeLoon, but at least he's an ''eloquent'' one.
* RandomEventsPlot: The first chapter switches from Dobby and a bored Harry fighting murderous, demon spacemen. The second chapter involves destroying Hogwarts and flying through space and punching astral vampires for absolutely no reason. Harry later has a habit of winding up in areas where he's not particularly wanted, or beneficial to him, such as being harassed by a sci-fi author who laments his racist thoughts and dreaming about a hat that turns all to chocolate.
* RougeAnglesOfSatin: Surprisingly for a troll fic, almost every word is spelled correctly and proper grammar is used (''though Dumbledore's name is never spelled the same way twice''). This doesn't make the "story" any less batshit insane, but it does make it a bit easier to read, at least.
* RuleOfCool: There is absolutely zero logical plot progression, however, there are legs made out of pistols, ''vampire caveman on Mars'' and a cursed book with '''pages MADE OUT OF LASERS and words made out of dragons, made out of motorcycles, making godless love to headless women'''.
* SatiatingSandwich: [[SubvertedTrope Subverted]] -- Harry does not like the "cabbagewich", which might explain why it was the last piece of food on the planet of Surf Ninjas.
* ScaryImpracticalArmor: Dobby's "elfin space armor" has skulls on the shoulders and a groinsaw.
* SerialEscalation: It's THAT over-the-top and tops itself many times throughout the chapters.
* SetRightWhatOnceWentWrong: [[InvertedTrope Inverted]].
--> Harry then did fly his meteor through space, [Music/DragonForce starts playing] punching astral vampires in half with his fists encased in fuckfire and throwing their ruined heads into the past where they bit cavemen on mars so that history changed and now there are [[NinjaPirateZombieRobot vampire cavemen on mars]].
* [[ShapedLikeItself Shaped Unlike Itself]]: Dumbledore calls Harry from his Moonbase which isn't on a moon.
* ShoulderCannon: Dobby has a skull on his space armor's shoulders capable of shooting bolts of light out of its eyes.
* ShoutOut:
** Harry steals the last sandwich from a [[PlanetOfHats planet of]] ''Film/SurfNinjas''.
** The 5.8 children with the Rape Ape might be a reference to the 0.58 child from ''ThePhantomTollbooth''.
** The seventh chapter may have been influenced by ''{{Pokemon}}'', in a deranged sort of way.
** The first four chapters follow something resembling a logical narrative, albeit a completely deranged one. The fifth chapter, however, begins with a group of inquisitors torturing Harry, apropos of absolutely nothing at all, and ends on a similar NonSequitur. One might say that [[Series/MontyPythonsFlyingCircus no-one expected it]].
* SinisterGeometry: Demonic spheres, who rape you, [[TermsOfEndangerment boys and girls]].
* SirNotAppearingInThisTrailer: [[InvertedTrope Inverted]]. The fic is listed under the characters "[[CrackPairing Bellatrix L. & Seamus F.]]", neither of whom are even mentioned in the actual story.
* SophisticatedAsHell: The natural intersection of ludicrously PurpleProse and a ClusterFBomb. [[TrollFic Definitely intentional]].
-->'''Dumblecop''': Is it a sin, should a man feel like [[UnusualEuphemism faggarting]] a sun or a thousand? Why should the suns heave through the void, if not to be [[YeOldeButcheredeEnglishe skewer't bypon ourn]] [[UnusualEuphemism fagpoles]]?
* SpaceBase: [[RunningGag Fumbledorp]] has a moon base, but it's ''[[LogicBomb not on a moon]]''. Considering everything else that happens it wouldn't be surprising if he built himself a [[ThatsNoMoon Death Star]].
* SpotOfTea: [[RunningGag Chumblebort]] offers Harry tea and "chumpits." Harry declines, as he hates chumpits.
* StrawmanPolitical: President Number 5, who disliked the conservative leanings of his brothers and therefore created an infinitude of worlds devoted to increasingly depraved sex acts.
* SuperSexOrgans:
** Dobby's groinsaw. The title card to the manwithoutabody version (used as the article image on this page) also gives Harry one.
** The fifth president's form of an infinite grid of squares with vaginas on every one of them.
* SurrealHorror: The seventh chapter involves warped turtles, bald ferrets with toothpicks for legs, a glass of thumb-water, and the head of an EldritchAbomination on a spike.
%%* TestosteronePoisoning
* ThrowingYourSwordAlwaysWorks: In this case, launching groinsaws.
* TomatoSurprise: The cabbage and mustard sandwich Harry finds turns out to be cartilage and mustard halfway into the chapter.
* TooDumbToLive: The Surf Ninjas of Surf Ninja Moon X ate everything in their planet and left one crappy sandwich and were too incompetent to try and attack Harry at night, where the story notes they would have had an advantage.
* TookALevelInBadass: Harry, [[OverlyLongGag Scrumblecorn]], and Dobby go from mild-mannered student, wizard, and house elf to a genocidal, guitar-wielding, fuckfire-wielding dimension slayer, a sun-humping man with legs that are pistols made of biceps who juggles planets and kicks them in half as a hobby, and a genocidal, groinsaw-wielding mass murderer, respectively.
* TrailersAlwaysLie: Similar to the above mentioned pairing between characters who never appear in the fic, the fic is categorized as "Angst/Romance". The summary, on the other hand, is a fairly honest representation of ''a few'' of the events in this fic, which is otherwise virtually impossible to summarize.
* TrollFic: If it's not, the author is probably in a mental institution. Surprisingly for this sort of thing, the author uses proper punctuation, spelling, and grammar. It's somehow better simply ''because'' readers don't have to wade through hundreds of misspellings and misplaced commas everywhere.
* UnfortunateNames: ''Rape'' Radbury.
* UnusualWeaponMounting: Dobby's Groinsaw.
* VillainProtagonist: Harry -- so [[VillainSue evil]] he distorts reality. The closest one gets to a proper antagonist is the rape ape, who apparently shackled Harry, and the "scientist" in the seventh chapter, who has apparently imprisoned him in a foul-smelling pit within his nose.
* WhatHappenedToTheMouse: Dumbledore completely disappears from the story after Chapter 3.
* WickedWeasel: The bald weasel with toothpicks for legs.
* WordSaladPhilosophy: The 13 commandments that make up the American cockstitution.
* WorldOfBadass: Most of the characters featured appear to have the powers of either {{Eldritch Abomination}}s or {{Physical God}}s.
* YeOldeButcheredeEnglishe: Dumblecop, but only for one instance. See SophisticatedAsHell.
* YouAreNumberSix: The 5.8 children are treated as such.

This list shows the last 9 events of 9. Show all.