All right, you all know how to play the game! Contestants will take a piece of media... and, through a number of deliberate misunderstandings, a few Alternate Character Interpretations, taking some things out of context, assuming that everything presented was meant to be taken as instructional and serious, and reading in more than a little Fanon, make it seem like the creators were attempting to deliver a terrible, terrible message to the kids at home... no matter how utterly off-base it is!
But, before we begin, let's just go over the three rules of the game, shall we? Rule #1! Make sure to read the above paragraph before adding an example. Rule #2! This is not Headscratchers with a sarcastic tone. And, last but not least, rule #3! This page is Just for Fun, serious attempts at finding a Hard Truth Aesop, and Real Life examples will be purged. Oh, and remember, folks, Whining costs twenty million points, so there's that.
Pixar in General
- Brave:
- You should follow the path in life set out for you by your parents. Attempting to pave your own destiny only leads to disaster.
- Firstborns should always behave the way their parents want them to, rather than be themselves.
- When you're trying to manipulate a loved one into changing so you can have your way, remember to be specific on how they should be changed. But, if things do go awry, spending some awkward bonding time with the person you've just screwed over will ensure that they'll see things your way.
- If a teenage girl wants to save the day, needlework is a more important skill than archery.
- Make deals with witches who demonstrate weird obsessions. In the end, you will get exactly what you want.
- Children should not be allowed to decide who to marry, when to marry, or if should marry at all. Parents must force their kids to marry because doing so benefits society and brings peace.
- If your daughter doesn’t want to get married to, and eventually have kids with, a complete stranger, she’s a total brat! But don’t worry too much mom, she’ll see it your way soon enough. Then maybe, just maybe, you can let her off the hook as a reward for doing as she’s told.
- Cars:
- It doesn't matter how successful you become, because the love and respect you get from all your fans and peers is hollow and meaningless, and all those awards and achievements you gain are worthless.
- Forget your dreams and happiness living in the big city. Pack up and move out to little inbred towns in the middle of nowhere because their survival is culturally more important.
- Celebrities live meaningless lives and have lost their way. Feel free to humiliate, enslave, mutilate them, and indoctrinate them so that they feel like they are a part of your small close-knit community.
- Outdated state routes that are too narrow to accommodate modern amounts of traffic and go miles out of their way to "follow the land" are somehow more "natural" than modern interstate highway systems that take a more direct route between major population centers, thus allowing people (sorry, cars; there are no people) more quickly and while burning less fossil fuel.
- If you are a rookie then you should never, ever win any awards or achievements during your first year because during that time, you have most likely become a selfish narcissistic jerk because of your new fame and any awards won during that period will make you evil.
- Cars 2:
- No matter what kind of mayhem you cause, never change your behavior in any way.
- If everyone discriminates against a certain group, the members of said group will turn evil and try to become powerful, forcing everyone to respect them. Never show any remorse, especially not when you're trying to save the world from the disaster you indirectly caused.
- Cars 3: You decide when you're done... unless if you're old, then you have no choice but to be done and let the young folks take over.
- Coco:
- When the relationship is over and your heart is broken, this means everything that person ever did is evil. Whatever skills and talents they happen to have can't be used for good by anyone in any way. So, get rid of every trace of it in your life. Make sure your descendants don't have anything to do with it either, and even enforce your ban on perfect strangers.
- Pop stars are all murderous, selfish, backstabbing monsters. Never ever try to profit from your talents and passions.
- It doesn't matter who you are or if your family detests your interests, as long as you have true passion for it, work hard and- oh no, wait. Scratch that. The only way to be truly talented is to have it in your blood, like being related to someone who was skilled in that field.
- Your ancestor was an evil, backstabbing murderer? Don't worry, you're not related to him. Huh? You thought I was gonna say you can keep moving on knowing you're the descendant of someone evil because you are not him? Pfft, don't be silly. Bad people only produce bad people and vice versa. Don't be related to bad people.
- The way to convince your family to lift the music ban is to play them a song.
- Good, honest people will end up in the same afterlife as the bastards that cheated and murdered them. The fairness of this goes unquestioned.
- Even if you won't go down the same path as your alleged evil ancestor did, you should be willing to completely give up your passions because your family said so. If you're not willing to compromise, you're a selfish little brat.
- Elemental (2023):
- If you are felling angry over a stressful situation, do not even try to get away from the situation or else you will cause a lot of damage to the things around you.
- Molten glass is an effective sealant against leaks. If you notice that something is leaking from a pipe or a dam, then pour a tons of hot glass on it and make sure it’s tempered.
- Segregating your city by race is mandatory for your citizens to not constantly kill each other by accident.
- Finding Nemo:
- Hey kids! Are your parents overprotective and keeping you from having any fun? Just put yourself in a really dangerous situation that they'll have to save you from. After that, said parent will totally realize you can take care of yourself!
- Sharks can go vegetarian if they want to.
- Mental disorders are cute and funny.
- Keeping pet fish is evil.
- Finding Dory: Have a disability? No worries, you can do anything! Unless if you're mute. In that case, everyone should laugh at your expense for how goofy and hilarious you are.
- The Incredibles:
- Some people are just inherently better than others. Trying to be better than you really are is evil.
- Augmenting yourself with technology to overcome your shortcomings is evil. If you can't fly, you aren't meant to be in the sky. If you can't walk, you aren't meant to move under your own power.
- It's good to have a few people who just happen to have super powers. Wanting to level the playing field is evil.
- If saving the world breaks anything, especially a SUICIDAL human's bones, you'd be crazy not to sue the people who contained the damage.
- Attempting to prevent someone from committing suicide and/or trying to talk someone out of suicide is wrong because you could end up hurting the victim.
- Super villains will obey the law, having laws against super powers makes the world ordinary instead of leaving super villains and having super heroes out of commission.
- Any effort to constrain the actions of well-meaning, talented people is miserable oppression. We can either let them do whatever they want without consequences or accountability, or we can force them into a horrible prison (like a comfortable middle-class life in suburbia and a job at an insurance company).
- Bad guys only exist because good guys exist. Stop saving lives or else you're endangering everyone else's.
- A smug one-liner covers any problems with your saving methods. ("I think you broke something!"/"With counseling, I'm sure you'll come to forgive me.")
- If cheating comes naturally to you, then it is justified.
- If you use your own natural abilities, but they're more than someone else's, it constitutes "cheating". Einstein was cheating by using his big show-off-y brain. Michael Jordan cheats with his obviously unfair athletic ability. Mariah Carey cheats with her better-than-average singing skills. Get those cheaters out of here so we can get the playing field down to the lowest level!
- Death to the snarky! Your sarcasm arises from pure evil.
- If you use superhuman abilities in a world full of existing supervillains without government or spousal permission it is still seen as illegal and or immoral. Even if the situation is life or death.
- A wife's personal wishes are more important then the needs of an entire city of endangered citizens for a superhuman to save them. And basically to that superheroing is seen by the heroes' wives as similar to going out for a rowdy night of drinking with friends so its just "fooling around" to them.
- This one's for the teenage girls: Once you've realized how cool it is to be better than everyone else (see first Aesop), it's time to use that new found confidence to... dress and act EXACTLY like everyone else!
- Gifted people like you must NEVER mix with normal people.
- Pausing your attempt to stop a rampaging menacing mechanical monstrosity while it wreaks havoc, untold damage and takes life after life is A-O-K if you're having a tender moment with a spouse that ends in a kiss.
- Heroes are supposed to stop bad guys, not help their victims. That old woman can pick her own self up by her bootstraps.
- If you can bench press a Mack Truck its okay to punch a normal human as hard as you can after "He got away."
- Putting thumbtacks on people's chairs is just good-natured childhood pranksterism.
- You should never let your kids excel in things they are naturally talented in, especially when it comes to sports because if you do then you kids natural skills will become no different than cheating.
- Be careful how you treat your fans. Even if they stalk you, annoy you, bother you on your missions and potentially blow themselves up. Otherwise they will come back for revenge by killing a lot of your friends and attempting to murder your family members.
- Young children with fancy weapons and no crime fighting experience will potentially make good sidekicks. You're a complete bastard for not taking an inexperienced child under your wing.
- Brutally slaughtering people that aren't disabled is clearly the best way to support people who are. And then capitalize on their disability when you're done with all the murder!
- Let's just call it like it is, inventors and techno experts are evil people who plot in the name of megalomania.
- If you use your technology to create super suits, you're a good person!
- If your boss is giving you a hard time, you should throw him through several walls.
- Incredibles 2:
- It's important to do good in the world and not let bad guys get away it. Therefore, you should jump in and help in every situation in exactly the way you think is best. The authorities should applaud your initiative and praise you, regardless of whether or not you actually helped - your ego is the only collateral damage they should care about.
- Corporations are above Federal Law and this is a good thing.
- Parenting is hard and should be left to the women.
- Inside Out:
- You can only be happy and optimistic all the time up to a certain age. As soon as you start pushing adolescence, either circumstances or the little people running around in your head will force you on the road to being a depressed teen. Admittedly, can be Truth in Television (minus the little people part).
- Women are more empathetic than men, so you better believe all those gender stereotypes.
- If you remember anything from your childhood, forget it. And fast. If you can't let go of those nostalgic memories, you're an immature kid who wont let herself grow up into an adult.
- You have no control over your emotions, it's controlled by little people in your head.
- The only negative emotion you should feel is "sadness". Being angry, scared, or disgusted will only lead to disaster.
- Crying a bit will solve all your problems, and you'll be excused out of any punishment, even if you stole your mom's credit card, skipped school and almost ran away from home.
- So, you have two loving parents, who are rich enough to afford a fairly sizable place in San Francisco where even a studio apartment would be more than $10,000 a month, and your own room? And the pizza there all has broccoli on it? It is perfectly understandable to be depressed and want to run away from home under those dire circumstances.
- Lightyear: People in the 90's were totally accepting towards lesbians. Just trust us on this.
- Luca: All bigots will stop being bigots if you just have a brief conversation with them.
- Monsters, Inc.:
- The monsters in your closet just work for a federal utility company, so in essence, they are bureaucrats. All the more reason to be afraid of them.
- Perfectionism is bad and you should feel bad.
- Traumatizing children is necessary for society to continue functioning.
- Breaking and entering is completely fine if you are funny enough.
- Monsters University:
- Don't even try to pursue your dream job. You're most likely not fit for it, because the judgement you make on yourself in this regard is always unreliable.
- Straight A's? Fuck 'em! You're not getting anywhere without an appealing appearance!
- You should judge people and their amount of success in life by their looks and looks alone. If you are hiring someone, you should only judge them by what they look like and not by their resume and education.
- If you are not popular, socially awkward, and have an uncanny appearance then you will not be successful in life. Only the popular handsome people will get successful high paying careers.
- Attending college is pointless if you are ugly and other people consider you to be ugly.
- To succeed at something you have to have natural talent. If you're not any good at your dream then you'd better just shut up and forget about it, because you're never going to be any good at it no matter how hard you try. note
- Onward:
- Science and magic can coexist in your life as long as you allow restaurant patrons and pawn shop owners to be in eminent danger along the way.
- If you prefer to rely on technology which can be developed and used by anybody over magic which is accessible only to a chosen few, you're a lazy idiot who doesn't care about your culture or history.
- You can be a seemingly immortal magical being (such as an elf for example) and still die before your child is born.
- Ratatouille:
- All your dreams can come true as long as you're willing to lie, disappoint your family, and use other people to your selfish whims. The minute you stop doing this, things are going to go downhill fast. (Sadly, more Truth in Television).
- Seeing rats in the kitchen means that the food is peak quality and the epitome of gourmet.
- Soul: You can only be passionate about the arts. Being passionate about anything else is a consuming, mind-numbing addiction.
- Toy Story:
- Customizing your action figures makes you evil.
- Take good care of your toys, because if you don't, they'll find out.
- You should accept that you're getting replaced, and if you have any kind of objections about it, you're just a whiny crybaby who should embrace the fact you're no longer being valued.
- Your toys are secretly watching you. Even when you are sleeping, you are never alone.
- Toy Story 2:
- Placing antique toys on display and not giving them to a child to play with and ruin is wrong. Antique collectors are evil.
- If you dare grow out of playing with toys and move on to other things, you are damning your favorite toys (who are alive and have real emotions) to a life of misery and neglect. You must keep playing with them forever.
- Giving your unused toys away to charity is just about the most horrible thing someone could do.
- Toy Story 3:
- Once you're an adult, it's time to grow the fuck up and get rid of all your toys. Especially if you're going off to college, because college students never would do something as immature as still play with toys. This message brought to you by a film franchise featuring toy characters that you have cherished throughout your entire life.
- Never donate your toys to a preschool or daycare, as you will be subjecting these living things to untold horrors. Either keep playing with them forever (as encouraged by the second film), or give them to some other random kid.
- Everyone that you love will eventually move on and their real loved ones will toss you in an assisted living facility to be abused constantly.
- "TODDLERS ARE THE DEVIL!
"
- Toy Story 4:
- If you have a defective organ inside you, make another person to give you theirs! As long as you give your victim a sweet little talking to about why you want it so bad, it’ll make up for you trying to take it by force!
- Kids who aren’t interested in toys are cruel.
- Hoes before bros.
- Turning Red:
- Puberty is a good excuse to rebel against your parents. In fact, it's the only way you will grow up.
- If you ace your way through grammar school, most people will be uninterested or indifferent on the matter. Live a little and let those grades fall.
- Public transit drivers will wait for you if you need to finish your business with your friends, especially if you're a main character.
- Being strict and controlling towards your daughter can cause her to become a raging Kaiju. In other words, being an overbearing parent will turn your children into a civil danger some day.
- Property damage is alright as long as you pay a crap ton of money for it.
- If your parents are controlling or spying on you? It's because they're afraid you may one day become an oversized Red Panda.
- If you draw lewd pictures in private you're a freak who deserve to be laughed at.
- Up:
- You can't have a real adventure until your spouse dies.
- There is nothing weird about a young child going on an adventure with an eldery male stranger to a foreign land.
- WALL•E:
- Humans are obese, stupid, lazy slobs and only a robot is capable of feeling compassion towards living things as well as concern for the future of the earth.
- Consumerism is bad, but not when it means you buying our products. WALL•E dolls are on sale now!
- Inanimate objects designed for the disposal of garbage have emotions too — even if they show no evidence of it beyond the occasional electronic smile — and anyone who says differently is evil. The only exception to this is inanimate objects who look like HAL 9000, who can be killed whenever you like.
- Technology makes us fat, lazy and unable to appreciate our lives, each other and our surroundings, except when it's used to make cute robots. Also, giving up all that technology to built up a new society essentially from scratch on a planet that has thus far proven to have sustained exactly one plant is a brilliant idea, even if the captain's few-hour read through 700-year-old Wikipedia entries on plants is the only farming experience your society has.
- Hey kids, feel free to continue your life of generating trash. Because in 100 years we will be able to get cute robots to clean up earth and then everything will be fine again eventually.
- Mobility aids will lead to the downfall of humanity.
