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Funny / White Night

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  • "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Bowling for Vampires!"
  • Harry telling Murphy to pick on someone her own size when she has Hendricks in an arm lock.
  • Carlos Ramirez, who has for the last several books been bragging about his popularity with the ladies, meets Affably Evil sex vampiress Lara Raith, who immediately turns to Dresden and exclaims: "A virgin! Is he a present?" And of course, Harry being Harry, he makes increasingly hilarious comments about it through the rest of the scene.
    • "Ramirez loved women. Ramirez never shut up about women. Well, he never shut up about anything in general."
    • "They're going to try to flank us." "I know I never went to Warden combat school. But I feel I should remind you that this is not MY first time."
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    • Similarly, basically everything Ramirez says, ever.
    • Especially his reaction to his wound.
      Ramirez: Bloody hell. Harry. There's a knife in my leg. When did that happen?
      Harry: In the duel. Don't you remember?
      Ramirez: I thought you'd stepped on me and sprained my ankle. Bloody hell. There's a knife in my guts. And they match.
    • Harry also manages to give Ramirez a bit of a boost when he starts flagging—by telling him his awesome prehistoric-ghoul-fighting isn't bad, for a virgin.
  • Then there's Thomas's solution to the problem of his vampire hunger. Harry has spent two books worrying that he's gone back to hunting and victimizing women... instead, he's started a high-end beauty salon and has been posing as a gay French hairdresser. Brilliant and comedy gold.
  • But before Harry learns the details, he has to look around Thomas's apartment. Security comes to have a little talk with him. Which is when he realizes the backup plan.
    I was going to kill Thomas.
    • "An NBA-sized gay burglar who works with a dog?"
  • Murphy and the rest of SI are determined to make sure he never lives it down, either...
    Murph: You're going syrupy on me, Dresden.
    Harry: If it rains, I'll melt.
    Murph: It's to be expected. What with how you're gay and all now.
    Harry: I'm wh... Oh. Thomas's apartment. Hell's bells, you cops have a fast grapevine.
    Murph: Yeah. Rawlins heard it at the coffee machine and he just had to call me up and tell me all about you and your boyfriend getting into a fight. He asked me if I should get you the sound track to Les Miserables or Phantom of the Opera for Christmas this year. Varetti and Farrel got a deal on track lighting from Malone's brother-in-law.
    Harry: Don't you people have lives?... What are you getting me?
    Murph: Stallings and I found an autographed picture of Julie Newmar on eBay.
    Harry: You guys are never going to let go of this one, are you?
    Murph: We're cops. Of course not.
    • The real payoff from that incident comes a little later, when Harry and Murph are trying to get into see the proprietress of a high-class brothel, only to discover that Harry unknowingly possesses a lifetime membership:
      Murph: What's that all about?
      Harry: Don't ask me. I'm gay now.
    • The previous quote, a CMOF for Harry, was a result of showing up at one of "Gentleman" Johnny Marcone's businesses, essentially a brothel posing as a health club. Harry was greeted at the door with a Platinum membership package. When pressed for a reason why, Marcone delivers his CMOF:
      Marcone: I am under no illusions about your fondness for myself and my business. I regard it as a preventative measure. In my judgment, my buildings are considerably less likely to burn to the ground during one of your visits if you are disoriented from being treated like a sultan.
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  • This gem, from Johnny Marcone:
    Marcone: Dresden. It's nice to see you alive. Your sense of humor, of course, remains unchanged, which is unsurprising, as it seems to have died in your adolescence. Presumably, it entered into a suicide pact with your manners.
  • Which he said in response to Dresden:
    "Tonight you will be visited by three spirits," I announced. "The ghosts of indictment past, present, and future. They will teach you the true meaning of 'you are still a scumbag criminal.'"
  • Upon finding Marcone and Demeter in a compromising position, Harry comments that it's a pity he came in when he did. If he'd come in five minutes later, it would've been much more embarrassing.
  • During an earlier scene in that office, Harry gets shocked speechless. Marcone... simply smiles.
    Demeter: It isn't polite to gloat.
    Marcone: I'm simply savoring the moment. If you really knew the man, you'd appreciate how rare this is.
  • Harry's 'revenge' on Thomas for leaving him out of the loop. He deliberately fails to stop Thomas from setting off a ward that knocks him ass-over-end into a pile of trash.
    Harry: Oh, sorry about that. Maybe I should have told you about a potentially dangerous situation, huh? I mean, that would have been polite of me to warn you, right? And sensible. And intelligent. And respectful. And—
    Thomas: I get it, I get it. [he then smears garbage all over Harry's hands]
  • The first meeting with Thomas, after Harry finally tracks him down.
    Thomas: [after attacking Harry] Give it up. It's a good act, but I know you aren't Harry Dresden. There's no way the real Dresden would have come here with a woman like that instead of his dog.
    Harry: Now what the hell is that supposed to mean?
  • Lara after Harry wards her off with his four years of... fidelity.
    "Still... A man like you and it's been four years..." She shook her head. "I have enormous personal respect for you, wizard. But that's just... sad."
    • Earlier, a passing remark suggested that Butters has gotten laid more recently than Harry has.
      • The latter happens during a scene where Molly does object reading on a corpse and, uh, picks up something. Harry then sulks, commenting on how he never gets something that "nice" during a psychic investigation.
  • Harry's snark is out in full force for this book. "Right. Okay, here's the plan. We follow all the other flammable people out of the building before we burn to death."
  • Marcone telling Harry to say please. And then pretty please. With a cherry on top. Once he asks Harry to say pretty please with a cherry on top, Harry tells him "fuck you" and hangs up.
  • A passing mention of Molly's early days as an apprentice:
    I nodded. "What you found might be a big help. You did good. Thanks."
    She practically glowed. Once or twice, after a compliment, she'd literally glowed, but we'd gotten that under control within a month or two.
  • Lord Raith gives an absolutely hilarious verbal smackdown to the Malvora and Madrigal after Lady Cesarina objects to the challenge of Harry and Carlos.
    Lord Raith: Unless, of course, our war heroes here lack the courage to withstand this utterly predictable response to their course of action. They are, of course, free to decline the challenge, should they feel themselves unable to face the consequences of their deeds.
  • "I. Am not. Yoda."
  • Mouse watches the tiny dog Toto hop into a pet-carrier on top of Abby's rolling suitcase, and then looks plaintively at Harry, as if hoping he can get a ride in one too. There are horses smaller than Mouse.
    Harry: You've got to be kidding. I'd have to clip a railroad car to the suitcase and hire the Hulk to move it around. You're young and healthy. You walk.
    • It's made even more funny by the fact that, when Mouse was first introduced in the series, it was as a puppy who could and did ride around in the pocket of Harry's duster.
  • Harry meets with Lara Raith and briefly contemplates nibbling at her offered hand, but scolds himself:
    Dammit, Harry, ignore your penis before it gets you killed!
    • And there's at least half the series in a nutshell.
  • Harry mocking bureaucracy and human nature with a minor shot at his old enemy, Latin:
    Harry: No force in the known universe can make a gang of folks naming their organization in Latin do much of anything on time. If they're all there by four, we'll know there's some kind of black magic involved.
  • Harry describes the Deeps as "the place where my brother nearly got sacrificed by a cult of porn-star sorceresses".
    • And Molly has to stop him for a second, to make sure that he REALLY just said that.
  • After Harry and Murphy survive the car bomb:
    I grinned at her and slumped down onto my back. "You okay?"
    She dabbed at the blood on her lip with one hand. "Think so. You?"
    "Clipped my shoulder on a mailbox," I said. "It hurts a little. Not a lot. Maybe I could take an aspirin. Just one. Not a whole dose or anything."
    She sighed. "My God, you're such a whiner, Dresden."
  • Harry and Lara make a few thinly veiled threats to each other, and when she asks him directly if he's threatening her, he slowly looks around at the destroyed room they're standing in, and then up at the hole in the ceiling, and the four floors and the roof above it that the two of them came smashing down through, and calmly asks "what threat could I possibly be to you, Lara?"
  • After Harry and Lara Raith, against all odds, survive some unexpected developments in The Deeps, Harry makes a few fairly reasonable requests of her. The last of which is:
    Lara's response was probably inevitable.
  • Harry and Murphy discuss Kincaid:
    "Right, forgot. When I met Cowl, you were in Hawaii with your boy toy."
    Murph gave me a smug smile. "Kincaid isn't a boy toy. He's a man toy. Definitely a man toy."
    Molly, lying on the floor with her feet up on the wall while she read, dropped her book onto her face. She fumbled it back into her hands and then tried to appear uninterested in the conversation. It would have been more convincing if she weren't holding the book upside down.
  • Upon finding out that Madrigal Raith is one of the villains of the book, Dresden remembers how he tried to sell him on eBay last time they met, much to Elaine's confusion.
  • Harry and Ramirez trading info about the most dangerous foe they've ever faced.
    Harry: What do you call them?
    Ramirez: The Black Hats, after our Ringwraith-wannabe, Cowl. You?
    Harry: The Black Council.
    Ramirez: Oooh. Yours is better.
  • Bob's joke when Harry wakes him up.
    Bob: What's up, boss?
    Harry: Evil's afoot.
    Bob: Well, sure, because it refuses to learn the metric system. Otherwise it'd be up to a meter by now.
  • After Lash's death, Bob says Harry's been brain-damaged.
    • Later in the same conversation, Bob asks why Harry hasn't slept with Murphy yet. Harry reaches under the workbench, pulls out a claw hammer, and gives Bob a pointed look.


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