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Sherlock Holmes (2009)

  • Irene Adler handcuffs Holmes to a bedpost, entirely naked, with only a pillow covering his privates. There's a reason why it's also brilliant as the page image.
    Sherlock Holmes: Madam, I need you to remain calm, and trust me, I am a professional. But beneath this pillow lies the key to my release.
    [The maid runs out of the room, disgusted]
    Sherlock Holmes: [cuts to Holmes retelling the event to Clarkie] Of course, she misinterpreted my meaning entirely.
    Constable Clark: Naturally, sir.
  • Irene's in her hotel room when she hears a noise at the door. She rolls her eyes and opens it to reveal Holmes failing for the second time to pick a lock.
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    • The first time Holmes fails to pick a lock is at Reordan's place, courtesy of Watson's foot.
  • Holmes having wine splashed into his face as he incorrectly analyzes Mary's last relationship and remaining completely motionless in blank shock for about a minute afterward. And then nonchalantly resuming his meal when Mary and Watson depart.
    • Gets funnier via Fridge Brilliance...there's only one meal served, indicating that Holmes expected that the encounter would end with him offending Watson and/or Mary, causing them both to walk out.
  • "Is that a—" "False nose? No."
    • Following up on the false nose bit, the part shortly after, when he jumps out of the window doing a silly shriek and a crash is heard off-camera. He then shouts for Watson and Watson looks out of the window to see that Holmes has fallen through the roof of the coal shed. Watson proceeds to roll his eyes, shut the window, and walk away.
    • Irene Adler turning the tables on a pair of would-be muggers.
    • Holmes ramming the carriage of Irene's mystery employer while disguised as a hobo with an eyepatch, soot-stained teeth (by chewing a piece of coal) and disheveled clothing.
  • Holmes compliments a hereto silent Watson on his value as a companion, and is then sucker-punched by Watson.
  • "Why are you always so suspicious?" "Shall I answer chronologically, or alphabetically?"
    • "Be careful not to cut yourself on this lethal envelope."
  • "That's not Blackwood!" Holmes' expression is priceless.
    • "Now we have a firm grasp...of the obvious."
  • The woman who tells Watson's future. "What of the warts? Are they extensive?!"
    • Lace doilies giving up the game.
    Holmes: Doilies.
    Watson: Lace — doilies? Holmes, does your depravity know no bounds?
    Holmes: No.
  • Watson to Holmes: "You look gorgeous..."
  • "Take Watson." "I intend to." Followed by Holmes' scoffing.
  • "I'm in the process of inventing a device that muffles the sound of a gunshot!" "It's not working."
    • From that same scene, Watson opening the curtains and letting sunlight in, and Holmes yelling out in pain.
  • The hammer scene. Holmes is running from Dredger the Frenchman, who has armed himself with a massive sledgehammer. Holmes fumbles around for a weapon, and produces an ordinary hammer. Both take a moment to compare their armaments, followed by Holmes pathetically chucking his at Dredger. It just bounces off and fails to faze him.
    • It's made funnier by the fact that the camera cuts to a side angle to make sure we see just exactly how small Holmes and his hammer are by scale compared to Dredger.
    • Also hilarious is that prior to this, Holmes tries to hoist the larger hammer, only to barely lift it six inches off the ground, before scrambling to find another weapon. Then Dredger picks up the hammer like a loaf of bread.
  • Holmes is transported blindfolded from the pen to the Temple of the Four Orders headquarters:
    Sir Thomas: Mr. Holmes, apologies for summoning you like this. I'm sure it's quite a mystery as to where you are, and who I am …
    Sherlock Holmes: As to where I am, I was, admittedly, lost for a moment, between Charing Cross and Holborn, but I was saved by the bread shop on Saffron Hill. The only baker to use a certain French glaze on their loaves – a Brittany sage. After that, the carriage forked left, then right, and then the tell-tale bump at the Fleet Conduit. And as to who you are, that took every ounce of my not-inconsiderable experience. The letters on your desk were addressed to a Sir Thomas Rotherham. Lord Chief Justice, that would be the official title. Who you really are is, of course, another matter entirely. Judging by the sacred ox on your ring, you're the secret head of the Temple of the Four Orders in whose headquarters we now sit, located on the northwest corner of St. James Square, I think. As to the mystery, the only mystery is why you bothered to blindfold me at all.
    Sir Thomas: Yes, well … standard procedure, I suppose.
  • When Irene makes a surprise visit to Holmes' room, he tries to be sneaky as her back is turned about slamming a picture of her on his desk face-down. What he intended to be subtle winds up being hilariously awkward.
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    • Made even funnier by the scene where she leaves and he scurries off to find where she's going but first takes the time to slam the photo down again.
  • "Wear a jacket." "You wear a jacket!"
  • Holmes pwns his opponent in the Curb-Stomp Battle boxing match:
    [in a bare-knuckle boxing match, Holmes sees Irene and tries to forfeit and leave]
    Sherlock Holmes: That's it, big man. You've won, congratulations.
    McMurdo: Oi, we ain't done yet! ( McMurdo spits at the back of Holmes's head. Holmes stops]
    Sherlock Holmes: [voiceover] This must not register on an emotional level. [In slow motion] First, distract target. [Holmes flicks a handkerchief in front of his opponent's face] Then block his blind jab. [blocks an oncoming blow] Counter with cross to left cheek. [delivers a cut to that side of the face] Discombobulate. [claps his hands over his opponent's ears] Dazed, will attempt wild haymaker. Employ elbow block, and body shot. [blocks with his elbow and delivers a body blow] Block feral left. Weaken right jaw. Now fracture. [a cross to the jaw fractures the bone] Break cracked ribs. Traumatize solar plexus. Dislocate jaw entirely. [two more body blows, and a right hook to the jaw hinge] Heel kick to diaphragm. [a heel kick to the opponent's chest sends him crashing out of the ring] In summary: ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm hemorrhaging. Physical recovery: six weeks. Full psychological recovery: six months. Capacity to spit at back of head: neutralized. [Back in real time, Holmes picks up the handkerchief, as though wiping the back of his neck, then proceeds to do all of the foregoing in approximately six seconds, and kicks McMurdo out of the ring, before calmly walking away. A Stunned Silence falls on the crowd]
    Onlooker: Where did that come from?! [Everyone looks at their bets and realize that they've lost their money]
  • Watson letting out the flies Holmes had spent the last six hours trapping inside a glass tube.
  • Holmes' discussion with Watson about and subsequent exchange with Mrs. Hudson:
    Holmes: There is only one case which intrigues me at present...the curious case of Mrs. Hudson, the absentee landlady. I've been studying her comings and goings, and they appear most...sinister...
    Mrs. Hudson: [long-suffering] Tea, Mr. Holmes?
    Holmes: [seething with sarcasm] Is it poisoned? Nanny?!
    Mrs. Hudson: There's enough of that in you already.
    Holmes: Don't touch! Everything is in its proper place, as per usual... Nnnnnanny...
    • From the same scene: "He's killed the dog...again."
    • Also from the same scene:
    Watson: Holmes, as your doctor…
    Holmes: [Gladstone]'ll be fit as a trivet in no time.
    Watson: AS YOUR FRIEND! You've been in this room for two weeks; I insist, you have to get out!
    Holmes: There's nothing of interest for me. Out there. On Earth... At all.
    Watson: So you're free this evening?
    Holmes: Absolutely.
    Watson: Dinner?
    Holmes: Wonderful.
    Watson: The Royale?
    Holmes: My favorite.
    Watson: Mary's coming.
    Holmes: (pause) Not available.
    Watson: You're meeting her, Holmes!
    • The fact Holmes failed to deduce Watson would invite Mary and fell for his verbal trap is hilarious in itself.
  • Holmes after Dredger escapes and the fight in the shipyard causes a giant ship under construction to be launched prematurely: "Watson...what have you done?"
  • The scene where Holmes disguises himself when he follows after Irene becomes one of this when you realise that Robert Downey Jr. is the dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.
  • Holmes twice uses an electrode against Dredger.
    Watson: Holmes, what is that?
    Holmes: [subtitled French] I don't know.
  • At Blackwood's tomb, Holmes is informed that the police are in the process of exhuming Blackwood's coffin. Said police constables are currently standing back as far from the tomb as they can, each one looking very, very nervous.
    Holmes: I see. At what stage of the process? Contemplative?
  • The scene in the jail where Watson and Holmes are held, in which the two end up bickering Like an Old Married Couple.
    Watson: When do I complain about you practicing the violin at three in the morning, or your mess? Your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes?!
    Holmes: Urm, we have a barter system...
    Watson: When do I complain about you setting fire to my rooms?!
    Holmes: Our rooms.
    Watson: The rooms. When do I complain that you experiment on-on my dog?!
    Holmes: Our dog.
    Watson: *stammering with rage* The dog!
    • The same scene, later, when Holmes suggests that they go away to his brother Mycroft's estate...making it clear that he means he and Watson.
      Watson: Holmes, if I were to go to the country it would be with my future wife!
      Holmes: [jealously] Well certainly, if we must have her along...
      Watson: No! Not you! Mary and I! You are not —
      Holmes: Not what? Invited? Why would I not be invited to my own brother's country home? Watson, now you're not making any sense!
      Watson: You're not human!
    • In fact, any time Watson and Holmes have a Like an Old Married Couple moment probably goes here. Like this one:
      Watson: Not that it's any of my business, but I would advise you to leave. The case. Alone.
      Holmes: Well, I may not have a choice, hm? After all, I may be paying the rent on my own, soon. [points his violin bow at Watson] Thanks to you.
      Watson: Get that out of my face.
      Holmes: It's not in your face; it's in my hand.
      Watson: Get what's in your hand out of my face.
      • There's a Call-Back to this scene in the trailer for the second movie.
  • When Lord Coward is trying to find Holmes in the smoke, talking about Blackwood's plans, and it turns out that Holmes has been sitting in a chair behind him, casually smoking his pipe.
  • At the end, when Watson and Mary climb up the stairs and into Holmes' room to discover him hanging from the ceiling from a noose. Mary has the decency to look shocked, but Watson simply drones, "Don't worry, dear. Suicide is not in his repertoire. He's far too fond of himself for that," then proceeds to poke him, whereupon it is revealed that Holmes got comfy enough in his harness to fall asleep.
  • A subtle, but still hilarious moment. When Watson asks Holmes if he knows where his rugby ball is, Holmes replies 'no, not a clue' in a tone of voice that indicates he knows exactly where it is and won't be telling, and indeed may have even hidden it himself.
  • Holmes and Watson are investigating Luke Reardon's house after Watson agreed to help for just ten minutes when two of Blackwood's henchmen come in, about to set fire to the place. Holmes correctly deduces what the Mooks are there to do. One of the henchmen calls for Dredger. Cue heavy footsteps approaching. Then we cut to a shot of Holmes and Watson watching as Dredger enters the room. Seeing Dredger, Holmes' expression stays pretty much the same; Watson, on the other hand...
    • Also, this line:
      Holmes: (points to Dredger) Meat... (points to the two other henchmen) ...or potatoes?
      Watson: My ten minutes are up.
    • And the fight that follows, accompanied by the music that plays.
    • The first time he gets zapped by Holmes, Dredger flies backwards into a closet, banging around loudly inside of it. He takes so long to come back out, the music actually stops for a few seconds. The real kicker is the way Holmes quizzically tilts his head to one side, his expression screaming "What the devil is taking him so long?"
    • One of the two henchmen died simply by having Dredger thrown on top of him.
    • When the fight begins, the two henchmen immediately charge at Watson, while Dredger calmly walks in, taking off his hat and coat and then rolling up his sleeves as he goes.
  • Holmes and Irene are about to disarm Blackwood's device when, behind them, Watson is thrown across the way. Then enters Dredger, who spots Holmes and Irene. Irene fires two shots at Dredger, the last one hitting Dredger's hat before she runs out of ammo. Dredger approaches, removes his hat and calmly asks (in French) "Did you...miss me?"note , taking a moment to study his hat between that last line. Holmes then matter-of-factly tells Irene, "I rather wish you hadn't done that, Irene."
    • Following that, Watson grabs Dredger from behind and shouts at Holmes to "Nut him!" Holmes proceeds to run up to Dredger, jump up into the air and head-butt Dredger. Holmes then stumbles backward; the look on his face was priceless.
    • And then Holmes tries throwing a punch at Dredger, only to miss, slip and fall on his back.
  • When Clarkie comes by to get Holmes, Holmes asks, "What's Lestrade done now? Lose his way to Scotland Yard?"
    • Following on that, after Holmes is informed of Blackwood's apparent resurrection, this exchange:
      Watson: You're not taking this seriously, are you, Holmes?!
      Holmes: Yes! As you should. (Watson stares and scoffs) This is a matter of professional integrity! No girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell whether a man is dead or not!
  • When Dredger finally takes away Holmes's newest toy:
    Dredger: (in French) Run, little rabbit, run.
    Holmes: (in French) With pleasure. *takes off*
  • The scene in the slaughterhouse, where Holmes tells Watson to save his ammunition, then flips out and empties his gun in the direction of Blackwood's voice about two seconds later.
    Watson: (with a "you have got to be kidding me" expression) What was that about saving bullets?
  • During the fight scene near the end, when Holmes has a bit of trouble fighting a Mook, he shouts at Irene: "WOMAN! SHOOT HIM! NOW, PLEASE!"
    • Oh, and he calls Irene "WOMAN!" again after she makes off with a piece of Blackwood's device.
  • Holmes: *to Blackwood in a very conversational tone* My, what a busy afterlife you're having.
  • When Holmes see Blackwood's cell covered in pentagrams and remarks "Love what you've done with the place."
  • Watson's surgery with an old military man is constantly interrupted by Holmes' target practice in the other room. They've previously been discussing how Watson will be moving into a new place with his soon-to-be wife, leading to this exchange:
    Patient: [Cautiously] Your colleague. Won't be moving with you, will he?
    Watson: [With furious determination] No he won't.
  • Clarkie trolling Sherlock on the way to Sir Thomas's manor. Especially the way Sherlock's always snarking the police; it's good to see that some have the wit to get one up on Sherlock.

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