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Creator / Diane Spencer

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Diane Spencer (not that one) is a stand-up comic from rural Somerset, England. Her material tends to draw heavily on her embarrassing family (and the many ways she's embarrassed them), her misadventures in the bedroom, and more recently, life with her husband Kevin and his daughters.

Her shows' titles have progressively gotten shorter and shorter, at least since 2010:

  • Wit, Charm and Filth (2009)
  • Lost in the Mouth Specific (2010)
  • All-Pervading Madness (2011)
  • Exquisite Bad Taste (2012)
  • Hurricane Diane (2013)
  • Power Tool (2015)
  • Seamless (2017)
  • Noob (2018)


Tropes from Diane's stand-up:

  • Abuse Mistake: Once showed up to a performance with bruises on her arms, which the promoter worried were from her boyfriend. Technically they were, but...
  • Affectionate Nickname: Sometimes addresses audience members (or children) as "poppet."
  • Afraid of Blood: Not that it stopped her from trying to donate some... or going to see Interview with the Vampire.
    It's about vampires! (Dope Slaps herself with her microphone)
  • All Women Are Lustful: Well, clearly not all of them—she has a story about accidentally traumatizing her roommate by showing her a porn clip—but Diane tends to portray herself as very... goal-oriented.
    So he was down there for a while—I think he thought I was trying to drown him, to be honest.
    • She claims to have once "worn down" a vibrator to a stub, as if it were a crayon.
  • Amazingly Embarrassing Parents: Generally portrays her parents this way, but there are hints that Diane is starting to take on this role for her stepdaughters. Hopefully she was kidding...
    The eldest, she pulled me aside and went "Di, you do remember my real name? It's Ellie." And I went "Yeah... But you're my child now. And I want to go to Nando's with C-3PO."
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  • Black Comedy: Alexander Litvinenko on weight-loss pills... that is all.
  • Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: Reading the rest of this page, it might be hard to believe, but she does manage it sometimes.
    I went dressed as a ghost, which was a simple costume, in that I wore one of my spare wedding dresses. [Slight pause, until the audience realizes what's wrong with that statement]
  • Brick Joke: From "Exquisite Bad Taste":
    • All-Pervading Madness and Hurricane Diane each build up to a rapid-fire climax of Brick Jokes, cashing in on seemingly disconnected moments from earlier in the show.
  • Brief Accent Imitation: Does this constantly when telling stories about her parents. Has also impersonated an American actress (from one of the Saw movies), Morgan Freeman, and a Russian friend (well, frenemy) who was trying to talk her into losing some weight.
  • British Teeth: Has quite a nice smile now, but had some serious trouble with one of her canines when she was younger.note  At one point, she has an Imagine Spot about having both canines grow in wrong, and parlaying the result into a niche porn career as "The Walrus Lady."
  • Chocolate Baby: Parodied in "Exquisite Bad Taste." Neither Diane's unnamed friend nor her husband are redheads... but their son is.
    And I looked at the father and said "Yes, it's true—I've been fingering your wife!"
  • Commonality Connection: Immediately took a shine to Kevin's redheaded daughter.
    She went "Dad, your girlfriend's really weird." And I said, "My name's Mummy now!"
  • Cool Aunt: To her friend's son.
  • Cringe Comedy: Her reenactment of the "clean comedy for veterans" incident.
  • Exact Words: Diane was invited to a "bad taste party" at university (which is supposed to involve dressing up in the ugliest, tackiest outfit you can throw together). She was already "on probation" for the earlier "ghost bride/Paula Yates" incident, so when she showed up dressed as a battered child...
  • Face Palm: During her live shows, the camera will often cut to audience reactions after she makes a particularly risqué joke. There's usually at least one or two people laughing, blushing, and Facepalming all at the same time.
  • Fiery Redhead: Sometimes, but she insists that she's "angry despite [her] hair color." Has a memorable story about getting into an argument with a boyfriend, when she was feeling insecure and he picked the wrong phrasenote  to try to cheer her up.
  • Girls Are Really Scared of Horror Movies: Discussed in "All-Pervading Madness." Apparently a boyfriend set up a "movie night" in the hopes of exploiting this trope and getting Diane to have sex with him.
    The thing is—I'm gonna do that anyway! By bringing a film, he's actually making himself wait.
  • Granola Girl: Not Diane, but her mother (supposedly). To treat an upset stomach:
    "I know what you want, you want to chew on a nice bit of ginger!"
  • High-Class Glass: Wanted one to correct the vision in her left eye, but the optician wasn't having it.
  • I Can Explain: Her "ghost costume" (which involved a wedding dress and a noose) caused a bit of a stir. First when she actually wore it, she caught hell because people mistook it for a dig at Paula Yates; then, when telling the story onstage, she had to explain to the audience why she owned multiple "spare wedding dresses."note 
  • Imagine Spot: Has a recurring joke about absorbing someone's knowledge by, um, consuming their DNA.
  • Incredibly Lame Pun: Fairly regularly, usually of the dirty variety.
  • I Need a Freaking Drink: After her dad's "humorous" speech at her sister's wedding.
    Pass the wine, I'm a physicist!
  • Insane Troll Logic: What the "bin bag" argument (see above) immediately devolved into.
  • Insistent Terminology: According to her mother, girls can't "wank."
  • It Amused Me: Word-for-word, the reason Diane liked to leave the lights on while getting it on with her blind ex-boyfriend.
  • Lame Comeback: To the "Maths Train" comment (see below).
    The Communication Trout has picked up your line. But the Metaphor-Hating Gorilla is now going to key "Twat" into your car.
  • Late to the Punchline: When a very patronizing teacher suggested that she should "let the Maths Train leave without [her]."
    Five years later, when I was studying drama at university, and I was washing up at my sink... I suddenly remembered that line, and I just went "FUCKING BITCH!"
  • Love Makes You Dumb: Happily admits that she slipped into this as her relationship with Kevin developed.
  • My Beloved Smother: Has joked (we hope) about becoming this for her stepdaughters.
    "No, Mummy's your best friend, don't go anywhere! You don't need friends; hang out with Mummy! Get in the cupboard, I've drawn a unicorn on the back, it's Narnia! Don't leave Mummy!"
  • Name's the Same: Yes, yes, she knows. It's just as well that nothing ever came of her crush on Prince Harry.
    Say my name, Harry—c'mon, say all of it! All right, all right, please don't cry.
  • Not Safe for Work: Extremely. Once tried to put together a stand-up routine for a charity fundraiser. This required five minutes of clean materialnote , which she would perform in front of a group of military veterans. She doesn't try to work clean anymore.
    • On the plus side, the story of that gig—and the absolutely disastrous flight from New Zealand that preceded it—provided much of the material for "Lost in the Mouth Specific."
  • Only Sane Woman: Diane's friend with the ginger son in "Exquisite Bad Taste"—who is never named, probably at her own request.
  • Parental Sexuality Squick: Her mother used this to punish her for "time-traveling" through her sister's wedding reception. (In Mum's defense, Diane had supposedly shared a rather intimate story with her while blacked-out.)
  • Person as Verb: Thinks this is generally a thoughtless thing to do... not that it stops her from cracking a few jokes about Jimmy Savile and Whitney Houston.
  • Playing a Tree: Discusses a Saw film that used separate actors to play severed, or soon-to-be-severed, body parts.
    And she's got a fake arm, and it goes down to Actress Number Two, who plays the hand. And she spends the entire scene in a box, presumably on the phone to her agent.
  • Racist Grandma: Diane claims to have one, and to enjoy trolling her by deliberately failing to understand her.
  • Really Gets Around: Has maaaany stories about her exes, but until Kevin came along she rarely had more than one story about the same guy.
  • Redheads Are Uncool: Defies this attitude whenever possible, but she has had to counsel her friend's son when he was bullied over it.
  • Simpleton Voice: Has a distinctive, somewhat deaf-sounding one, which she typically uses to criticize her own decisions in hindsight.
  • Slap-Slap-Kiss: The outcome of the "bin bag" argument.
  • Springtime for Hitler: Her attempt to get kicked out of a strip club, so she could go home and leave her rowdy friends to their own devices, initially went this way. Apparently, there can be a Double Standard for molesting the performers if you're a pretty redhead.
  • Tempting Fate: See Exact Words above. When you have a friend with a history of wearing edgy outfits, and you tell her to come to a party dressed "in bad taste," what result should you expect?
    • Two of Diane's show titles turned out to be Tempting Fate: while touring "Lost in the Mouth Specific," she had to have throat surgery, and she gained a stalker for "All-Pervading Madness." She claimed to be toying with the idea of titling the next show "Money, Money, Money & Cock."
  • Toilet Humour: Had a very bad experience right before leaving New Zealand... and on the flight back to the UK... and after landing in the UK. She was in bad shape when she hit the stage for that veterans' fundraiser.
  • Troll: Accuses David Attenborough of this.
    "These animals are so deep under our ocean, they have never—seen—daylight. Let's switch on the headlights!" And then he beams 8 million candles into a squid that's got eyes the size of dinner plates!
  • Unusual Euphemism: Tends to favor "foof" as a term for the female sex organs.
  • Viking Funeral: Supposedly helped set one up for her stepdaughter's guinea pig.
    I didn't fancy taking it to the Thames... "Hello, officer! This is exactly what it looks like."
  • Wardrobe Malfunction: "You nearly made your sister Katie Price at her own wedding!"
  • What Did I Do Last Night?: She claims to have discovered the secret of "time travel"—four Bacardi Breezers.
  • Woman Child: When babysitting her friend's son. He got out of bed to report that there was a monster, and Diane ran with it.
    Six hours later we were still awake! We were sat there on the sofa, wearing saucepans. And we were doing what I would call "field research," in that we were watching Alien. ...And then his mum comes in.
    [After sending the kid to bed for real,] she said "What the fuck, Di? What the fuck?!" I said "I could ask you the same thing; you left us here with monsters and no guns!"