The Simpsons Season 8 / Funny

Moments pages are Spoilers Off. You Have Been Warned.

https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/wet_the_bed.jpg

"I think I wet my bed..."

154 - "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Opening

Homer is lighting a jack o' lantern, but he accidentally catches his hand on fire, then his whole body, and he starts running around screaming.

A - "The Thing and I"

Lisa suggesting Radio Shack as a possible place that Hugo may be hiding.
- Note that this is after everyone declares they're going to search every place a "sick, twisted solitary individual might hide".
Hugo doesn't have the best grasp of how biology works, wanting to rejoin with Bart.
Bart: But you'll kill both of us!
Hugo: No, it's easy. I've been practicing. Look, I made a pigeon-rat.
(he unveils his "creation", a rat sewed to a pigeon, which tries to fly away then crawl into a hole, only to fail because of its size)
And, of course, the reveal that Bart is actually the Evil Twin.
Bart: ...oh, don't look so shocked.
Dr. Hibbert appears to distract Hugo by offering to show him his face in a mirror, which Hugo eagerly looks into. Cut to an empty frame with Hibbert staring blankly through it, before he decks Hugo in the face and knocks him clean out.

B - "The Genesis Tub"

The waffles scene:
Lisa: Hey, wait a second. These aren't waffles, these are square pancakes!
The fact that the petri dish civilization not only evolved but also outgrew normal humanity in a few hours, and created an elaborate religion with Lisa as the Creator and Bart as the Devil.
Tub Frink scoffing at enlarging Lisa.
Lisa: Can't you just un-shrink me?
Frink: Un-shrink you? Why, that would require some kind of re-bigulator, which is a concept so ridiculous it makes me laugh out loud with the chortling and such. (notices Lisa glowering at him) But not at you, o holiest of gods, with the blood rain and the vengeance and the "hey-hey-hey, it hurts me".
After Lisa realizes she's probably stuck in the petri dish for life.
Lisa: Well? Get me some shoes! Nice ones!
Man: (with one guy moving the other way) She'll want socks, I'll get socks!

C - "Citizen Kang":

Everything about Kang and Kodos, frankly. But especially their means of making sure no-one will believe Homer.
Homer: Oh my god! Nude aliens! Bioduplication! Lyndon Larouche was right!
Kodos: What? Are you still here? (moves towards an ominous button) I'm afraid we'll have to dispose of you...
(Kodos presses the button, causing a massive cannon-like object to unfurl from the ceiling, which then unfurls into a smaller one as it gets closer to Homer; it then starts spraying him with a brown liquid)
Homer: No, no, what are you spraying me with?
Kang: Rum! So no-one will believe your story!
(the wall behind Homer opens up, and Kang kicks him out)
Kodos: And don't come back!
How Homer stumbles upon the spaceship: He's walking by the lake, muttering to himself, and tries kicking a bush. He hurts his foot, and starts tearing the bush apart. Then he notices the alien spaceship parked right on top of it.
After being abducted, Homer assumes Kang and Kodos want to probe him.
Homer: (as he starts removing his pants) Might as well get this over with.
(Kang and Kodos recoil in horror)
Kang: STOP! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us!
The alien Kodos disguised as President Bill Clinton:
Kodos: My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.
Marge watches a newscast about the election:
Kent Brockman: Kent Brockman here, with Campaign '96: America Flips A Coin. At an appearance this morning, Bill Clinton made some rather cryptic remarks, which aides attributed to an overly tight necktie.
Kodos: I am Clin-ton! As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. (crosses arms over chest) End communication.
Marge: Hmm, that's Slick Willie for you, always with the smooth talk.
Kang's political speech when disguised as Bob Dole:
Kang: Abortions for all!
Crowd: Booo!
Kang: Very well, no abortions for anyone.
Crowd: Booo!
Kang: Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!
Crowd: Yaaaaaaay! (waves miniature flags)
During the campaign trail, Kent interviews Kang.
Kent: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you, instead of President Clinton?
Kang: It makes no matter which one of us you vote for! Either way your planet is doomed! DOOMED!
Kent: A refreshingly frank remark there from Bob Dole.
Kang and Kodos' comments at an interview:
Kang: The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again! Tomorrow, when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me, Senator Ka-, Bob Dole!
Kodos: I look forward to an orderly election tomorrow, which will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath.
Kang and Kodos in disguise as Bob Dole and Bill Clinton are walking down the street exchanging protein strands by holding hands. Everyone's reaction to this is hilarious.
After being revealed as aliens, Kang and Kodos stop the Fridge Logic that would occur from just voting a third-party candidate:
Kodos: It's true, we are aliens. But what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us.
Man 1: He's right, this is a two-party system.
Man 2: Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate.
Kang: Go ahead! THROW YOUR VOTE AWAY! (laughs)
(Ross Perot scowls and furiously punches a hole in his "Perot '96" hat)
Later, when everybody on Earth is forced into slavery under Kang's control of power.
Homer: Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos! (gets whipped)

155 - "You Only Move Twice"

As Homer and Marge are trying to sell their house in order to move to Cypress Creek:
Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your restroom, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels! (runs away)
Homer: Thank you, come again!
Anything Hank Scorpio says or does:
- Hank introduces himself to the family at their new house.
  Marge: Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush.
  Hank: We don't have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn't rush; they'd be allowed to go at their own pace.
- Homer leaning about his new job from Hank.
  Hank: The key to motivation is trust. Let me show you what I mean. I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and I'll catch you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready?
  Homer: Right.
  Hank: Three... Two... (phone rings) One second... (he answers it) Hello?
  (Homer falls backwards and says "D'oh)
  Hank: Oh, my God, there a guy on the floor. Uh, that was a phone call; don't chalk that up to mistrust, now.
- Hank telling Homer where to buy hammocks, which was a Throw It In! on Al Brooks' part, which is why Dan Castellaneta, and by extension Homer, can barely keep up.
- Hank Scorpio's brief conversation with a government spy who is cuffed to a table.
  James Bont: Scorpio, you're totally mad!
  Hank: I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk.
  Bont: Do you expect me to talk?
  Hank: I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. You're gonna die now!
- Homer has to quit his job for his family and Hank Scorpio has a bizarre last request for him.
  Hank: But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help me a lot. (grabs flamethrower, starts attacking soldiers with it while laughing) Hey Homer, you're missing out on some fun!
  - ...And he actually does, by dejectedly kicking a grenade that was tossed his way back to the thrower. He was moping so much he didn't even notice.
Hank Scorpio versus the U.N.
Hank: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the doomsday device. You have seventy-two hours to deliver the gold. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this!
(Hank presses on a remote. In the background of the U.N.'s screen, something blows up)
British representative: Oh my god, the 59th Street Bridge!
India representative: Maybe it just collapsed on its own?
British rep: We can't take that chance!
India rep: You always say that! I want to take a chance!
Homer asking Hank for some sugar. Hank pulls two handfuls of sugar out of his pants pockets.
Hank: Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream?
(Homer look at the pile of sugar Hank has just placed into his hands from his pockets)
Homer: Uh... no.

156 - "The Homer They Fall"

Wiseguy's assessment of Comic Book Guy:
Woah, woah! A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan! You must be a devil with the ladies!
When Homer agrees to box:
Marge: Homer, of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle. You don't know how to box, you're 38 years old, and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor.
Homer: No problemo.
(Homer kisses Marge on the cheek and walks off)
Marge: (yelling) A competent doctor!
Homer: (off-screen) D'oh!
- And then when Dr. Hibbert gives him the okay:
  Dr. Hibbert: Why, I could hit you all day with this surgical two-by-four without ever knocking you down. (looks at his watch) But, I have other appointments.
Drederick Tatum managing to stop a prison riot is awesome, but also funny thanks to how he stops it.
(It's nighttime at Springfield's prison. Drederick is sitting in his cell eating dinner, as a riot unfolds around him.)
Drederick: Hey, guys, c'mon. Shut up.
(the prison siren promptly stops, the guards and inmates stop fighting, and meekly back away)
Guard: (whispering) Sorry, champ.
Prisoner: (whispering) It was Jerry.
Drederick Tatum's opinion of the upcoming fight with Homer.
Drederick: Well, I got nothing against him, but I'm definitely going to make orphans of his children.
Interviewer: Uh, they do have a mother.
Drederick: I know, but I assume that she will kill herself out of grief.
Marge calls for someone to stop the fight, to no success:
Marge: Where's the doctor?
(pan down to the ringside, where Dr. Nick is the attending doctor... and baying for Homer's blood along with the rest of the crowd)
Dr. Nick: Kill him! Kill him!
When Moe rescues Homer, who's about to be knocked out in the ring:
Announcer: Oh, my God! Simpson's manager has flown into the ring and is airlifting him out! (heartwarming tone) Ladies and gentlemen... whatever dignity remained in boxing is literally flying out the window!
A concussed Homer can't remember who Moe is:
Homer: (slurring) Are you an angel?
Moe: Yes, Homer, I'm an angel. All us angels wear Farrah slacks.
- As Homer asks whether everyone will be mad about Moe's interrupting the match, Moe declares he doesn't care, since he helped a friend. And then Homer bangs his head on a girder.
After being chastised by Lucius Sweet, Moe declares he doesn't need the man's money. He proceeds to fold up his check carefully.
The Fan Man chasing after Moe (who stole his fan so he can rescue Homer from being beaten up by Drederick Tatum.
Moe tests Homer's punching power...with unimpressive results:
Moe: (holding up two punching pads) Alright Homer, let's see the left.
(a fly lands on the punching pad, Homer punches, and when he draws his glove back, the fly buzzes away unharmed)
Moe: Ohh....'kay. Let's see the right.
Homer: (exhausted) Just a second.

157 - "Burns, Baby Burns"

The opening has the Simpsons visiting a cider mill, and an incredible moment of sarcasm from Homer.
Lisa: What a beautiful Autumn day.
Marge: I feel sorry for all those people stuck inside watching the seventh game of the World Series.
Homer: Yeah, they won't learn anything about apples today!
A lot of Larry Burns' lines (no surprise, since Rodney Dangerfield voiced him)
"A bloody end for Homer Simpson... is just one of several possible outcomes according to our computer simulation!"
- "Here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs."
  - "Oooowwww, stop it!"
On finding Homer and Larry have faked the kidnapping, Marge tells Homer to take Larry back, despite his objections.
Homer: But Marge, it's broad daylight and there are cops everywhere.
Marge: No "buts"! Just do it!
(Homer and Larry walk off outside)
Kent: (on TV) And we're ju— (notices Homer and Larry) There they are, Burns and the kidnapper!
(Homer sees the news copter and flees)
Kent: Appearing in broad daylight and with police everywhere, ladies and gentlemen there is only one word for that: Idiocy.
Marge: Hrrrmm.
Homer's brain literally walking out on him while Ned describes cider to him.
"Yale could use an international airport, Mr. Burns."
Traps, Chief Wiggum-style:
Chief Wiggum: Okay, Mr. Burns. You tell the kidnappers you'll leave the money under the big net in the park.
Lou: And then down comes the net, right, Chief?
Wiggum: (thinks about it) Heeey, I like it! I like it a lot!

158 - "Bart After Dark"

Bart's victory chant before falling off the roof of the house ("S-U-C-C-E-E-S. That's the way you spell success!")
Homer watching TV:
TV Announcer: It's eleven o'clock. Do you know where your children are?
Homer: I told you last night, no! (beat) Where is Bart, anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.
Homer Simpson's using a grocery bag as pants since he can't find them.
The first day of Bart's job at the La Maison Derrière. Abe Simpson is whistling casually, walking into the place and walking back out once he sees Bart. He then opens the door again leading to this conversation:
Abe: Is your name "Bart"?
Bart: Mm-hmm!
Abe: What the—?! Does your father know you're working here?!
Bart: It was his idea.
Abe: In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.
In fact, a majority of the guys (and possibly a few girls like Patty) in Springfield visit there when Marge has a meeting and shows the slides of the 'local' visitors. A brick joke is that Chief Wiggum is shown twice and no one seems to know the local drunk, Barney. Or they are surprised/concerned by his presence.
Principal Skinner encounters Bart at the Burlesque House.
Skinner: Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show.
Bart: Nope.
Skinner: Is Roxanne back?
Bart: Yep.
Skinner: Did she, uh, get my flowers?
Bart: She did.
Skinner: (turns around to see him) Oh. Uh, hello, Bart.
Bart: Hello, Principal Skinner.
Skinner: This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it?
Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders visit Homer about Bart.
Rev. Lovejoy: Your son has been working in a burlesque house.
Helen: Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes.
Skinner: (comes out behind Rev. Lovejoy) That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there.
Homer telling off the concerned townsfolk.
Homer: Well, if Homer Simpsons wants his 10-year-old son working in a burlesque house, then Homer Simpson's 10-year-old son is working in a burlesque house! That's—!
(the people disperse to reveal an angry Marge glaring at him)
Homer: (nervously laughs) Hi! Now, Marge, you're gonna hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house.
When Marge confronts Belle:
Belle: I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar.
Marge: Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years.
Belle: I've lived here 52 years.
Marge: Well I'm third generation.
Belle: Sixth.
Marge: ...Get out of my town!
After Marge realizes that no-one wants to tear down the burlesque house thanks to a song, she tries to sing a song of her own, but accidentally hits the lever of the bulldozer and tears down part of the house. Cut to everyone's Death Glare at her.
When Belle drags Bart back to the Simpson's house to tell Homer, this happens:
Belle: Your son was trespassing on my property, and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle a—... are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: (matter-of-factly) I have misplaced my pants.
After threatening him with speaking to Marge after Homer says he won't be punishing Bart, he changes his mind and tells Belle he will discipline him, after which she leaves. We then get this:
Homer: Aw, I don't know how to punish you. What does Marge usually do?
Bart: She makes me taste beer.
Homer: Come on, boy, give your old man a little credit.
(The grocery bag bursts, spilling its contents to the floor)
Homer: Yeah, well I still get to punish you.
Marge and Lisa travel to Baby Seal Beach to help with the clean-up effort, only to find the celebrities have already been allotted all the animals. What is there for them to do?
Organizer: Well there are rocks. Thousands and thousands of rocks.
(cut to Marge and Lisa scrubbing rocks with a toothbrush)
Marge: I've got rocks that need washing at home...
After a few days of cleaning rocks, even Lisa gets fed up.
Marge: We made a commitment, and we have to see it through, no matter how unpleasant.
Organizer: Quitting time! Scrub up and head to the communal park. We're having kelp burgers, and we're gonna watch a tape of Johnny Arvik. He's the Eskimo comedian.
(Marge and Lisa look at one another; cut to them in the car, driving away)
Lisa: Faster, mom, faster!
Homer getting the Springfieldians to stop destroying the burlesque.
Homer: My friends! Stop! (the crowd stops and pays attention to Homer) Sure, we could tear this house down— (the mob cheers and resumes destroying the house) NO! My friends, stop! (the crowd stops again) Let me finish! We could tear it down, but we'd be tearing down a part of ourselves.
The Crowd Song, "We Put the Spring in Springfield", has several of these:
- Reverend Lovejoy's elderly father is revealed to be a regular of the Maison Derrière.
- Mayor Quimby's wife acts shocked and appalled at his activities in the burlesque house, only for him to point out that she used to work there.
- Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney showing up late to the burlesque house and singing "We just heard this place existed!" in harmony.
- "We're the highlights in your hairdo!" "The extra arms on Vishnu!"
After Marge accidentally destroys part of the burlesque with her bulldozer while attempting a counter song (as she missed the "We Put the Spring in Springfield" song and the crowd can't sing it again due to it being one of those spur of the moment type things), Bart decides to hire his mom as a ventriloquist with Twiggy, a doll that looks a lot like Marge.
Marge: So, Twiggy, I hear you and your husband Woody just had a baby. What did you name him?
Twiggy: Chip.
(off-key rimshot)
Homer: Take it off!
Bart: Alright, dad, you've been warned, let's go. (kicks Homer out)
Dental hygiene, Homer Simpson style:
Bart: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?
Homer: No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.
(Bart opens a can and gargles with it)

159 - "A Milhouse Divided"

The episode opens with the family eating dinner in front of the TV, and it seems evenings at home in the Simpson house have stagnated:
Homer: [licking his plate clean, so that it covers his face] Marge, can't we get some clear plates? I can't see the TV!
Marge: Is it really necessary to watch TV while we're eating? We're getting food all over!
[as if to illustrate Marge's point, a meatball falls off her fork onto the floor. Maggie, Santa's Little Helper, and Snowball II all eye it hungrily, and are just gearing up to fight over it when Homer spears it with his fork]
Homer: Yoink! [eats the meatball]
Bart: If you really wanted us to be neater, you'd serve us out of one long bowl.
Marge: You're talking about a trough. We're not going to eat from a trough! And another thing, it's only 5:15! Why are you in your underwear?
Bart: [revealed, in a wider shot, to be lying on his stomach on the floor in just his underwear] Hey, this ain't the Ritz!
Marge: [trademark groan] At least let's have a civilised conversation, shall we? Lisa, how was school?
Lisa: [paying more attention to the TV than to Marge] How was what, what?
Marge: School, school!
Lisa: [still distracted] It's not time for school.
Marge: I know it's not time for- [groans again] I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. [picks up her plate and glass and heads into the dining room; from off-screen] "Hello Marge, how's the family?" "I don't want to talk about it! Mind your own business!"
Homer: Keep it down in there, everybody!
Determined to restore some class to their existence, Marge insists on throwing a dinner party, and the Simpsons go to Stoner's Pot Palace, a kitchenware store, to buy some accessories. As they arrive, Otto storms out, grumbling, "Man, that is flagrant false advertising!"
As Lisa tests a manual citrus juicer, Bart directs her attention to a gigantic wok:
Bart: Hey Lis, check this out: non-stick coating! [he drops Maggie into the wok; as her older siblings watch, she slides down and then up the other side into the air, then back down and up the near side again like a skateboarder in a half-pipe]
Marge is running herself ragged getting everything perfect for her dinner party, including putting the toilet seats in the dishwasher. When Lisa points out the party's not for hours, Marge thinks it gives her time to glaze the ham again. At which point we see the ham is so glazed it looks radioactive and it's humming.
Homer laughing at Kirk (Milhouse's dad) after finding his messed up demo tape, "Can I Borrow a Feeling?"
Kirk: Go ahead, Homer, laugh at me...
Homer: I already did.
Kirk getting his car stolen by Starla.
Bart hitting Homer with a chair (after seeing Luann's new boyfriend withstand a chair hit) while Homer is enjoying a nice bath. What makes it funny is that Homer's reaction is layered: First, it's the scream of absolute pain. And then he looks over, sees Bart, and then he makes an almost annoyed scream of pain as he puts two and two together, before (quite understandably) yelling "What the hell is wrong with you?"
A subtle one: Kirk mentions that Starla works as a temp for a radio station called KZOG Radio 530 and is going to help him launch his singing career by playing his demo tape. Radio stations with the call number 530 are used for traffic broadcasts, and wouldn't air music in the first place, making Kirk stupider for believing in his skank girlfriend.
Milhouse's dad trying to win back Luann by singing to her at Homer and Marge's remarriage — only to get shot down.
Marge hiding the plate of Allied Biscuits after Luann mentions that Kirk's cracker factory plunged to sixth place with Table Time and Allied Biscuit.
When Luann can't recognize Kirk's drawing of dignity, he tells her to do better. She draws something quick (that we can't see), and everyone instantly agrees that it's a perfect representation of dignity.
Homer mentioning Love Is..... ("It's about two naked eight-year-olds who are married...")
The conversation of Kirk getting fired at the cracker factory:
Kirk: You're letting me go?!
Manager: Kirk, crackers are a family food — happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without.
Kirk: So that's it, after twenty years, "So long, good luck"?
Manager: (cheerfully) I don't recall saying "good luck".
When Homer goes to the courthouse:
Homer: I'd like to file for... divorce.
(dramatic sting as the camera zooms in on his sad face)
Clerk: (indifferent) These things happen. Eight dollars.
Kirk tries to impress Homer with his bachelor pad:
Kirk: I sleep in a racing car; do you?
Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
Kirk: (crestfallen) Oh, yeah...

160 - "Lisa's Date with Density"

During Band Class:
Crowd: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse: She does not!
Crowd: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey: He does not!
Crowd: Janey likes Milhouse!
Uter: She does not!
Crowd: Uter likes Milhouse!
Mr. Largo: NOBODY LIKES MILHOUSE!
Skinner trying to get the students to return the H from Superintendent Chalmers' car:
Oh, you think this stolen "H" is a laugh riot, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl. (Students laugh) Well, I guess it is a little funny.
Later, Lisa gets Milhouse to pass a love note to Nelson. Nelson reads the note, then looks over at Milhouse, who waves at him. Next thing you know a badly beaten Milhouse is on a stretcher, being loaded into an ambulance. When Lisa tries to apologize to him the paramedic tells her "He can't hear you now. We had to pack his ears with gauze."
Nelson helps Willie clean up the grounds as part of his detention:
Nelson: (holding a buzzing hornet's nest on a rake) Hey Willie, catch the football! (flings the hornet's nest at Willie)
Willie: All right, I'll-AAAAYAAAHAAAAAHAAHAHA!!!
Nelson's Joy to the World song.
Homer's telemarketing message keeps calling the Flanders house well-into the night. Ned keeps answering the phone, which annoys Maude to no end.
Maude: That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn!
Homer: (leaning outside his bedroom window) WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP! PEOPLE ARE TRYIN' TO SLEEP!
- "Ned, did you plug that phone back in?" "Shut up!"
The bullies play a prank on Skinner by mooning his house, and inadvertently get his mother as well.
Skinner: Listen, you crumbums, if you think I'm impressed, I am not. I — ohh, brandishing your buttocks is only getting me angrier!
Agnes: I wanna see what's going on!
Skinner: No, Mother, don't look out the window!
Agnes: AUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!

161 - "Hurricane Neddy"

Ned Flanders verbally attacking everyone after his house collapses and his attempts to keep calm fall through.
Ned: As for YOU [Lenny], I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk!
Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on?

Ned: (to Moe) You ugly, hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey, hey! I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I— Um... What was that third thing you said?

Ned: (to Homer, with as much cold contempt as possible) Homer... You are the worst human being I have ever met.
Homer: (relieved) Hey, I got off pretty easy.
Ned arrives at Calmwood Mental Hospital, driving straight through the front gates. And as he checks in:
Ned: I just attacked all my friends and neighbors just for trying to help me. I'd like to commit myself.
Nurse: Very well. Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer to be dragged off kicking and screaming?
Ned: Ooh, kicking and screaming, please.
Nurse: As you wish.
(two orderlies grab Ned and drag him away)
Ned: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
- Note that Ned doesn't even attempt to kick as he's dragged off.
A therapist, Dr. Foster tries to get Ned Flanders to express his repressed anger, so he makes Homer read insults to Ned from cue cards. The window separating the two guys rolls down.
Homer: Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish in the eyes of others.
Ned: Well howdy, Homer! (partition slides up) Thanks for dropping by!
Dr. Foster: Hmm. He's not responding. Proceed to level 2 antagonism. (partition slides down)
Homer: Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent.
Ned: Oh, well, I'll just have to try harder. (partition slides up) Thanks for dropping by!
Dr. Foster: Ah, he's still repressing. Maximum hostility factor. (partition slides down)
Homer: I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other. (to Dr. Foster) Now that's psychiatry!
Ned's parents plea for help with their son: "You gotta help us, doc! We tried nothing and we're all outta ideas!"
During the hurricane, the wind blows into The Springfield Harmonica Store and an upbeat melody plays inside. Pan over to Ye Old Harpsichord Shoppe where the harpsichords emit mournful noises as they fly out the windows.
Marge tries to solve a Rubik's cube and gives up when the family shouts too many suggestions.
Marge: Now I remember why I put this down here in the first place!
"THE HURRI-CAAAAAANE..."

162 - "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of [Our] Homer)"

Marge reminds Homer that the last time he went to a chili cook-off, he got drunk and made a fool of himself. Homer's response pretty much sums up his entire life:
Homer: Oh, Marge! Everything looks bad if you remember it!
Homer, the Legendary Chili Taster:
- Homer takes out a wooden spoon from a leather pouch he is carrying around his neck, everyone around him gasps and whispers in awe at the sight:
  Lenny: (whispering to Carl) They say he carved it himself... From a bigger spoon.
- Homer picks out his first target. Ned Flanders' "Five Alarm Chili" stand:
  Homer: "Five Alarm Chili", eh?
  Ned: Mm-hm.
  (Homer takes a spoonfull and tastes it)
  Homer: Mmm... One... Two... Heeeey! What's the big idea!?
  Ned: Ooooooh! I admit it! It's only two alarm! Two-and-a-half, tops. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids! (buries his face in his arm and sobs)
  Todd: (geniunely worried) Daddy? Are you going to jail?
  Ned: We'll see, son... We'll see...
After getting scared away from Chief Wiggum's Guatemalan Insanity Pepper chili booth, Homer comes back after coating his mouth with candle wax to numb the pain, allowing him to take several of the peppers and swallow them whole. After showing off for the crowd, he gives his evaluation of the chief's chili to raucous laughter and applause:
Mayor Quimby: Good lord! This can't be happening!
Dr. Hibbert: By all medical logic, steam should be shooting out of his ears.
Krusty: His ears if we're lucky!
Homer: [tosses one final pepper into his mouth, swallows it, and bows to the crowd as Wiggum gapes in amazement] Well, Chief...don't quit your day job! [laughs] Whatever that is...
But Homer's consumption of the Guatemalan Insanity Peppers comes at a heavy price with one of the most hysterically funny Mushroom Sambas ever animated...
Homer: Heh heh... my finest hour! [suddenly sorrowful] And Marge wasn't even here to see it.
[Homer's stomach starts vibrating and making a whooshing noise]
Homer: Oooh... I don't feel so good... [he staggers through the midway, holding his stomach and groaning, before grabbing Flanders by the shoulders] Flanders!... You gotta help me!...
Flanders: [chuckles] Well, sure buddy, I'd be happy to help out! What can I do-diddly- [his head begins distorting, his voice shifts down in pitch and speed and then up again and then down again, and dozens of copies of his moustache-topped mouth begin appearing around his face] do-diddly-doodly-diddly-diddly-hamminy-hoominy-hamminy-hoominy-gooble-gobble-gobble-gabba-gabba-HEYYYY...
[Homer gasps, screams, and runs away, falling at the feet of Jasper, Nelson, Mrs. Krabappel, and Barney, all of whom appear as distorted, sharply angular versions of their usual selves]
Jasper: Goo goo g'joob?
Nelson: [his Signature Laugh rising in pitch instead of falling] Ha-HAAA! Ha-HAAA!
Mrs. Krabappel: [trombone sounds à la the adults in the Peanuts animated specials]
Barney: [does a trademark belch that echoes long and loud]
[Homer screams again and smashes through the nearest fence, running toward the horizon]
After fleeing the chilli cook-off, Homer finds himself in a strange desert landscape.
Homer: Where am I, Shelbyville? [screams, then ducks and covers as a giant butterfly swoops down toward him, then flies off; Homer stands up again, his head distorting as though broadcast on a weak analogue signal] Oh man, this is crazy! I hope I didn't brain my damage! [his face sinks into his head and re-appears on the opposite side with a "pop"] I'd better check my pupils. [he finds a pool of water, his arms and legs swaying as if they were liquid, and looks into it; his pupils in the reflection alternately dilate and contract (not at the same time as each other), then burst as the pool suddenly turns into a giant snake which envelopes Homer, hisses at him, then slithers away] Oooookayyy... I think I'm gonna be leaving now...
Homer walks back and forth watching the sun rise and set until it just falls and shatters.
Homer: [walks toward the horizon, and notices the sun appears to rise higher in the sky the nearer he gets] Huh? [he backs up a few steps; the sun starts setting again. He moves forward and backward repeatedly, getting faster] Sunrise... sunset. Sunrise... sunset! Sunrise, sunset! Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset- [the sun shatters against the ground] AHHH! [tensely] Note to self. Stop doing anything.
The entire bit with Homer and the tortoise.
[Homer is spelling out "HELP" with rocks when he notices the top left corner of the "P" is walking away]
Homer: [pointing at the departing rock] Hey! Buddy! Get back there with the other rocks! [he runs after it, only for the rock to emerge from the sand, revealing that it is...] Huh? A tortoise? [as the tortoise crawls across the sand, a message appears where it has been] "Follow... the..." [gasps] This must be why I'm here! [falls onto his hands and knees] Follow the what, follow the what!? Hurry up! [the message is revealed as "FOLLOW THE TORTOISE"] D'OH! [the word "D'OH!" rises as a cloud of dust from the ground; the tortoise crawls slowly away from Homer, who starts pushing it] Get — moving — you — stupid— [he pushes it with his foot] When I'm kicking you that means "Hurry up!" [the tortoise stops] C'mon! [he kicks the tortoise's back end twice, then a third time with such force that it goes flying over the horizon] Yah! [he runs in the direction the tortoise flew, his strides becoming longer and longer, until finally he arrives at a small Mayan-style pyramid; the tortoise is waiting for him and nods toward it] Oh, you want me to climb that, huh? No problemo! [he lifts his leg to climb the first step when the pyramid shoots out of the ground, becoming fifty times taller] Ohhhh! [grumbling] This is because I kicked you, isn't it? [the tortoise smirks and nods]
Homer meets his spirit guide, a coyote voiced by Johnny Cash:
Homer: [after watching a faceless mannequin of Marge dissolve into dust in a gust of wind] Ohhh! [sits on the edge of the pyramid] I HATE THIS PLACE! WHY AM I HERE?!
Voice: You are on a quest for knowledge.
Homer: [startled] Who said that??
[the Moon swivels around to reveal an eye, and a Saturn-like planet appears next to it and opens to reveal another eye, around which the smiling face of a coyote materialises; the coyote then de-materialises into swirls, which re-materialise next to Homer]
Space Coyote: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide.
Homer: [smiles and waves politely] Hiya.
Space Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn.
Homer: If it's about layin' off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of ya!
Space Coyote: No. I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away, with a thousand thoughts at once.
Homer: Yeah, that's me all right. [he stares vacantly into the distance; we hear wind blowing across an empty landscape]
Space Coyote: Clarity is the path to inner peace.
Homer: Well, what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions?
Space Coyote: [snorts derisively] Are you kidding?! [chuckles] If anything you should get more possessions! You don't even have a computer.
When Homer is pondering about his soul mate in the dream, he suddenly notices the coyote is attacking his leg.
Homer: You know... I have been meaning to take a spiritual journey. And I would- [hears the coyote growling and sees him biting his leg] Wha- hey! Knock it off! [kicks him away]
Space Coyote: Sorry. [embarrassed laugh] I am a coyote.
Homer doesn't have the presence of mind to react to the danger he's in after his spirit guide leaves and a train begins heading toward him:
Homer: A ghost train! And so little time to get out of the way. Now less! Now none!
As Homer finds ways to rationalize his journey was All Just a Dream:
Homer: And that talkin' coyote was really just a talkin' dog.
Dog: Hi, Homer. Find your soulmate.
Homer: Wait a minute, there's no such thing as a talking dog!
(the dog barks)
Homer: Damn straight.
"Find your soulmate, Homer. Find your soulmate."
Homer: Where? WHERE?!
Space Coyote voice: This is just your memory. I cannot give you any new information.
- The DVD commentary for this episode acknowledges how awkward it can be to watch today. Due to Johnny Cash's death before this episode was released on DVD, the scene now plays out like Cash is talking to Homer from Heaven.
Bart sees something outside the bathroom window.
Bart: (noticing Homer's silhouette in the lighthouse light) Hey Lisa, is that dad?
Lisa: Either that or Batman really let himself go.
Homer discovers that he was correct all along: Marge is his soulmate.
Homer: IN YOUR FACE, SPACE COYOTE!
Marge: (with much confusion) Space coyote?
The sheer fact that the ship is full of hot pants!

163 - "The Springfield Files"

Leonard Nimoy's introduction:
Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no.
Homer looking for a substitute for Duff, is given Red Tick Beer by Moe.
Homer: (takes a swig) Hmm. Bold, refreshing. But something I can't quite put my finger on.
(cut to the Red Tick Beer brewery. Inside, a scientist is leaning over a vat filled with dogs, swimming around in beer. He takes a sip of the concoction.)
Scientist: Hmm, needs more dog.
Just before his encounter with the alien, Homer comes across a giant billboard reading "DIE". He screams. A wind blows a tree aside, revealing that it said "DIET". He screams again. As he runs away from the sign, his dad appears from behind the trees.
Abe: Oh, son, I'm glad to see ya. I went for the morning paper and I got lost! And—
Homer: No time for you, old man. (he shoves his dad to the ground and continues running)
After Homer first sees the alien who turns out to be a heavily drugged Mr. Burns:
Homer: Please... Don't hurt me!
Alien: Don't be afraid.
Homer: (instantly panics) Yahhh! (runs away)
As he runs from the alien, he manages to spell it out his scream as he runs through the tall grass, even leaping to get the exclamation mark down.
Homer tries going to the police for help.
Chief Wiggum: Well, that's a very compelling story, Mr. Jackass— I mean, Simpson. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. (he begins typing on air)
Homer: You don't have to humiliate me.
(Homer walks off. A distressed, charred man carrying a lighter enters)
Man: I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again!
Chief Wiggum: Oh, sure. I'll just type that up on my invisible typewriter! (he begins typing again) Fruitcake.
"HUMAN BLIMP SEES FLYING SAUCER"
Mulder: There's been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've gotta get there right away.
(holds up newspaper reading HUMAN BLIMP SEES FLYING SAUCER)
Scully: Well, gee, Mulder. There's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
Mulder: Pfft, I hardly think the FBI's concerned with matters like that.
Also, Homer failing the lie detector test in a most explosive manner.
Agent Scully: Now, we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes.
(the polygraph abruptly explodes upon Homer's answer being registered)
The police line up scene featuring nothing but famous famous aliens, including Marvin The Martian, Gort, ALF, Chewbacca and Kang (or is it Kodos?) from the series proper is a neat little visual gag. And the commentary reveals they didn't bother getting the copyright for any of them, calling it the most illegal shot in animation history. Though the only complaint they got was from ALF creator Paul Fusco, who was only upset that he didn't get to do the voice.
Scully puts Homer on a treadmill. Mulder asks what this test proves, she says it's no test, she just thought he could stand to lose a little weight. Mulder then admits that the jiggling of Homer's fat is almost hypnotic, with Scully, now staring blankly and speaking in a monotone, stating that "It's like a lava lamp."
Homer having to recount his activities the night he met the alien.
Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: (dejectedly) We were sitting in Barney's car, eating packets of mustard. Y' happy?
Homer shows Agents Scully and Mulder the place where he saw the alien. This time, Grampa emerges from behind some bushes.
Abe: For the love of God, help me! I've been here for four days and a turtle's got ahold of my teeth! (he points to the turtle) There he is!
(the turtle with Grampa's teeth starts to walk away and Abe slowly chases after it)
Abe: Come back here, you! Slow down! I'll get ye. (he grunts as he keeps trying to catch the turtle)
Scully: This is the worst assignment we've ever had.
Mulder: Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus?
(at this point, the turtle turns its mouth to bite Grampa's index finger.)
Abe: Ow! He bit me with my own teeth!
Scully: No, this is much more irritating.
Scully rolling her eyes as Mulder goes on yet another rant about the paranormal, followed by him finishing long after everyone is gone.
- "The unsolved mysteries of... Unsolved Mysteries! The truth is out there!"
- According to the commentary, they just let David Duchovny just ramble on about conspiracies and took some small bits to use for that sequence. According to Matt Groening, he managed to go on for 2 continuous hours before he ran out of steam.
And the part where Moe and two Mexican workers are trying to get the killer whale they kidnapped back to Sea World by carrying it.
"Who'd a thought a whale could be so heavy?" (sees Mulder) "Cheese it! The Feds!"
Every time Mulder flashes his badge, you get a quick shot of a picture he has of himself lying down in nothing but a speedo.
Homer and Bart plan to film the alien:
Bart: What if we don't find the alien?
Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the Fox network.
Bart: (chuckles) They'll buy anything.
Homer: Now, son, they do a lot of quality programming too.
(the two start cackling like madmen)
At the beginning, Milhouse is at the arcade, loading quarters into a Waterworld machine.
Milhouse: Thirty-eight... thirty-nine... forty quarters. This game better be good.
(Milhouse starts playing. On the screen, the character takes one step, and then the words "GAME OVER" flash on-screen)
Announcer: Game over, please deposit forty quarters.
Milhouse: What a rip! (after a few seconds, he takes out another pile of quarters and begins inserting them.)
The second act break: Leonard Nimoy apparently concludes the tale, only for the Squeaky Voiced Teen to inform him there's ten minutes left.
Nimoy: Oh, uh, fine. L-let me just get something out of my car.
(Nimoy walks offscreen. There's the sound of him running, followed by a car peeling away; after a few seconds the teen walks on-screen)
Squeaky Voiced Teen: I don't think he's coming back...
Kent Brockman reporting on the alien sightings:
Kent: The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture the past two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 news team will be there, except for Phil, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow. (boom mike hits Kent on the head) Very unprofessional, Phil.
The Alien reappears before the gathered crowd of Springfield citizens:
Alien: I bring you love.
Lenny: It's bringing love! Don't let it get away!
Carl: (grabbing a baseball bat) Break its legs!
(the crowd brings out the Torches and Pitchforks)
Lisa then reveals the true identity of the alien:
Lisa: You want an alien? Here's your alien!
(shines flashlight at the alien revealing it to be none other than Mr. Burns with enlarged pupils)
Mr. Burns: Hello, children. I bring you love.
Willy: Gah! It's a monster! Kill it! KILL IT!
Smithers: It's not a monster! It's Mr. Burns!
Willy: Awww, it's Mr. Burns... KILL IT! KILL IT!
(the crowd joins with Willy's chanting)
Mr. Burns receiving his treatments and him finally getting vocal scraping from Dr. Nick, who seems way too happy to do that.
Dr. Nick: Don't worry, you won't feel a thing, until I jam this down your throat!
** After that Mr. Burns walks away happily and Dr. Nick informs that the most rewarding part was when he got his money.
Kent Brockman covers a man waking up from a coma, who doesn't like what he hears...
Man: Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?
Kent: Uh, actually, she won an Oscar, and he's a congressman.
Man: Good night!
(The man instantly flatlines)
When everyone is singing at the end, Scully can be seen wearing a "Homer's a Dope" shirt.
Homer’s plan to sneak out of work early:
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty. And if its speed dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called... The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.

164 - "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

The "Whack-A-Mole" couch gag, which features the clown hallucination music from "Homie the Clown".
"Gimbels is gone, Marge. Loooooong gone. You're Gimbels."
Marge forgetting Agnes's name.
Agnes: Oh my name's Agnes, and you know it's Agnes! It means lamb! Lamb of God!
Marge delivering some pretzels to Springfield Elementary, she's greeted by a dishevelled and nervous Skinner.
Marge: Are you sure the kids will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?
Skinner: (in a monotone) Yes, I am sure. Sure as sure can be. (holds up a hand to give Marge her payment, but it's bandaged)
Marge: Oh my god, what happened to your arm?
Thug in shadows: It was a boating accident.
Skinner: I believe it was a "boaking" accident.
(the thug draws a gun on Skinner)
Skinner: I have to go now.
Everyone using Marge's pretzels to pelt Whitey Ford (and Homer wanting Marge to rename her pretzels "Whitey Whackers"). This gag made the participants on the commentary track laugh hard, and it's not hard to see why: In one cut, Whitey is pleading to the crowd, then it cuts to the sportscasters, and when it cuts back to Whitey, he's already knocked out and lying on the ground while being pelted with pretzels.◊
Announcer: And a barrage of pretzels knocking Whitey Ford unconscious!
Announcer 2: Wow, this is... this is a black day for baseball.
How Chief Wiggum deals with the Investorites:
Helen Lovejoy: I don't understand, why won't you let us unload our falafel fixin's?!
Lou: Ship's impounded, ma'am.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, we... uh... found a couple'a barnacles on the hull, and the, uh, deck was wet.
Helen: That is ridiculous! And what are those men doing under my van?!
Chief Wiggum: (as several men run away from the van in the background) Look, lady, if I were you, I would just leap into the air as I am preparing to do.
(The Investorites' van promptly explodes)
The episode ends with a mob war raging on the family's front lawn, complete with a Yakuza member getting chucked in through their kitchen window: "Forgiveness, please!"
Fat Tony coming to "remind" Homer of his debt goes wrong.
Homer: (in the bathroom of Moe's) Hey, Fat Tony. Still with the mob business?
Fat Tony: Er, yes, I am. Thanks for asking. Now, Homer, as you recall, you were done a favour by our... how shall I put this... "Mafia crime syndicate".
Homer: Oh, yeah.
Fat Tony: Now the time has come for you to do us a favour.
Homer: You mean the mob only did me a favour to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony! (Fat Tony looks ashamed) I shall say "good day" to you, sir!
Fat Tony: (crestfallen) Okay, I will go. (he walks out the fire exit. On entering the alleyway he stops.) Hey, wait a minute!

Commentary

In "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson", the commentators laughing hard at Whitey Ford on the ground after being pummeled by pretzels. Their laughter is infectious.

165 - "Mountain of Madness"

Mr. Burns decides to hold a plant fire drill. The entire scene has several highlights, but this was the best.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, what's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?
Smithers: 45 seconds, sir.
Mr. Burns: And what's our time so far?
Smithers: I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to 15 minutes.
- Keep in mind that not one person has gotten out yet.
- Then Homer gets out first, and barricades the rest in by blocking the door.
  Homer: I think I won, Mr. Burns!
  Mr. Burns: (as ominous music plays) Yes, you won, alright. You won more than you bargained for.
  Homer: Woohoo!
- When the drill begins, Homer and Carl are microwaving popcorn. Carl says "Alright, popcorn's ready!" and clearly pours out a bag of unpopped kernels, having mistaken the fire alarm for the microwave.
Bart at the dinner table:
Homer: So Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
Homer: Huh?
Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows?
Lisa and Marge: Yankees.
Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
When the teams are being chosen for the mountain hike:
Smithers: Lenny and Carl.
Carl: Aw, nuts! (realizes Lenny heard him) I mean, um... Aw, nuts.
When Smithers protests Mr. Burns and Homer have been paired together:
Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
Burns: Yes. Well, frankly, you've been a bit of a pill lately.
Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?
Later, as Homer and Mr. Burns are trapped inside the snowed-in cabin:
Mr. Burns: I'll kill you, you bloated museum of treachery!
Homer: You and What Army?? (he imagines snowmen dressed as Prussian infantrymen behind Mr. Burns and shrieks) Stand back! I have powers! Uh, political powers!
(Mr. Burns imagines political figures including Mahatma Gandhi and Abraham Lincoln)
Imaginary Lincoln: (swinging a chain) IIIIIIIT'S SHOWTIME!
As a result of being left without a partner for the activity, Smithers swears that if Burns was with him, he'd kick him right in his "bony old behind". His statement of "bony old behind" echoes across the mountains and Burns hears it, assumes Homer said it, and thanks him for pointing out that he was watching his figure.
Bart and Lisa repeatedly pestering Smithers.
Lisa: Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! That moose is on fire!
Smithers: Fine, good, I don't care anymore.
- Before that:
  Lisa: Mister Smithers, I found another hurt shrew! I think this one has a twisted ankle!
  Mr. Smithers: Twisted... aren't there any healthy animals in this forest?
The display of Smokey the Bear.
Smokey: Only who can prevent forest fires?
(Bart selects "you")
Smokey: You pressed "you," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you!
(Bart kicks Smokey)
Marge and a park ranger take a ski lift to find the kids.
Ranger: I won't lie to you. Our chances of finding your children are slim to nil.
Lisa: Hi, mom!
(Bart, Lisa, and Smithers wave at Marge)
Marge: There they are! Let me down here.
Ranger: Sorry. There's no way off till we get to the top, and even then it's sort of tricky.
Marge: All right, kids, we'll meet you at the top! Just be careful!
Ranger: Uh, actually, I'm a little more concerned about us. (a support beam for the lift chair snaps in half) Um, do you know how to weld?
The Ranger's introduction, when Marge tries to console Bart and Lisa about being left out of the competition.
Marge: Don't worry kids, this is a national park. We can have lots of fun.
Ranger: I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to remove anything the least bit entertaining. (awkward pause) Well, uh, see ya.
The ranger asks where Ranger McFadden is:
Drunk: Well, I was just happy to see so many nice people.
Ranger: Quiet, you drunk. Where's Ranger McFadden?
McFadden: Right here, sir, right behind the drunk.
The ranger takes a moment to humor the children:
Ranger: (to Bart and Lisa) Kids, your father's gonna be just fine!.... (to everyone else) okay people, put on your corpse-handling gloves. We've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain.
Bart: (turns to Lisa) Y'hear that, Lis? Dad's gonna be just fine.
Lenny and Carl, exploring the mountain, come to where the cabin should be.
Carl: There's nothing around for miles.
Lenny: Hey, maybe there is no cabin.
Carl: Oh, yeah. Like maybe the "cabin" is a place inside all of us, created by our good will and teamwork.
Lenny: Oooooohhh... No, they said there'd be sandwiches.
Mr. Burns accidentally hitting the propane tank, causing a blast outside that propels the cabin down the mountain. Then there's Homer's response.
Homer: *praying* Oh Lord, protect this rocket house, and all who dwell within the rocket house.

166 - "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious"

The entire episode is just one long parody of Mary Poppins.
The Krusty Komedy Klassic. It's not a good idea to have a comedy special at the Apollo Theater when your special's initials are "KKK" and said initials are in white -- and appear behind you onstage.
- The fact that Krusty is Jewish gives this one bonus points.
Shary Bobbins' bedtime song, "A Boozehound Named Barney":
- First, it's about Barney, in front of Moe's, begging people to give him money so he can drink some more, only for Moe to come out with a double barreled shotgun ready to blow him away if he doesn't leave, only for Barney to reveal he has money again, so Moe changes his tune.
- Then the end of the song gives us this:
Shary: And so, let us leave, on this heartwarming scene...
Bart: Can I be a boozehound?
Homer: Not 'til you're 15.
If you cut every corner there'll be more time for play, it's the American way!
Bart's method of cutting costs.
Bart: And I'll take up smoking and give that up!
Homer: Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.
Lisa: But he didn't DO anything!
Homer: Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he? Hey, wait a minute, HE DIDN'T! (Homer snatches the dollar out of Bart's hands)
Kearney muttering, "You're telling me, ya blue-haired witch" after Marge rejects him.
Marge imagining herself with Homer's "combover" (the two strands and zigzag line that Homer has left of his hair).
"I've been singing you songs all day. I'm not a bloody jukebox!"
Groundskeeper Willie doing Alex Owens "She's a Manic" dance, while kitted out in a one man band.
And apparently Shary Bobbins and Groundskeeper Willie used to date and were engaged. It didn't last.
Willie: Shary Bobbins and I were engaged back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her!
Shary: It's good to see you, Willie.
Willie: (angrily) That's not what ya said when the first time you saw me!
Grandpa Simpson taking Shary's umbrella for a spin; he's having the time of his life, then just falls asleep midsentence.
The ending:
Lisa: (as the family is watching Shary fly away) Will we ever see Shary Bobbins again, Dad?
Homer: I'm sure we will, honey.
(Shary gets hit by a plane and sucked into its engine in the background, the Simpsons all have their backs turned and fail to notice this)
Homer: I'm sure we will.
- Before this:
  Bart & Lisa: Goodbye, Shary Bobbins!
  Marge: Thanks for everything!
  Barney: So long, Superman!
As Homer and Marge are looking for a nanny:
Old Lady: Hello, I'm Mrs. Pennyfeather. I understand you are looking for a nanny.
Marge: Pleased to meet you.
Homer: Wait a minute, Marge. I saw Mrs. Doubtfire. THIS IS A MAN IN DRAG!
(starts pulling at her hair as if it were a wig, then chases her away)
Marge: Homer, if you're going to do that to every applicant, we're never going to find one.
Homer: Sorry.
Another Old Lady: Hello, I'm Mrs. Periwinkle.
(Homer screams with rage and chases after her)
Bart testing Shary's credentials:
Bart: Pop quiz, lady: I'm in my room, supposed to be doing my homework, but you find me reading a Playboy. What do you do? What do you?
Shary: I make you read every article in that magazine, including Norman Mailer's latest claptrap about his waning libido.
Homer: (as Bart has a look of concern) Wow. She's good.
The clip of a young Rainier Wolfcastle, starring in a bratwurst commercial:
Rainier: Meine bratwurst has a first name, it's F-R-I-T-Z;
meine bratwurst has a second name, it's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N
- The clip afterwards of Charles Bronson on The Andy Griffith Show:
  Barney (not that one): Hey, where's Otis? He's not in his cell.
  Charles Bronson: (nonchalantly as he reads the newspaper) I shot 'im.
  Barney: Well, that's— WHAT!?!
  Charles Bronson: (puts the newspaper away and draws a revolver) Now I'm goin' down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop, to "fix" Emmett.
  (Bronson walks out of the police station with his gun in hand, while Barney stares in horror and the Andy Griffith Show theme plays)
Shary Bobbins laments having to leave the Simpson family, upset she won't hear their sweet voices again. Immediately after:
Homer: (breaks through the window in a strangling fight with Bart) Aah! You little! Guh! Argh!

167 - "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

The Itchy & Scratchy writers seemed to have taken Homer's suggestion to not kill Poochie off to heart....or have they?
Itchy: Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
Poochie: Yes, I certainly do! (his voice changes to Roger Meyers, Jr.) I have to go now. My planet needs me.
(The cel with Poochie on it is crudely moved upwards, as it then cuts to a title card reading, "Note: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet.")
Bart: Wow, Poochie came from another planet?
Lisa: I guess.
Krusty's announcement after Poochie dies:
Krusty: Poochie's dead! (laughs, audience cheers) Now kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit (holds up a scroll) the Poochie will never, ever, ever return! (the Blue-Haired Lawyer walks in)
Blue-Haired Lawyer: This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes. (audience cheers)
Krusty's argument with Roger Myers Jr.
Roger: Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached?
Krusty: Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment... HEY, SHUT UP! You're here 'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings!
(points to a ratings chart)
Krusty: Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show!
Roger: What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?
Krusty: See, that what I thought at first, but then... HEY, SHUT UP! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!
Roger: But Itchy & Scratchy is critically acclaimed.
Krusty: ACCLAIMED? PAH! I ought to replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon where robots turn into blingwads! But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger. So I'm gonna give you one more chance. Now get out! Don't come back till you've fixed Itchy & Scratchy.
(Roger Myers Jr. slams the door so hard it breaks off, showing Sideshow Mel in the waiting room)
Krusty's Secretary: (off-screen) Okay, Mel, you can go in now.
Sideshow Mel: (walks into Krusty's office) Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'n' Roll Museum, and...
(Krusty still has an angry face from his argument with Roger Myers Jr.)
Sideshow Mel: I'll come back later.
The focus group scene, from Bart and Lisa nonchalantly agreeing to go with a man at the mall, to Ralph eating his knob ("My knob tastes funny." "Please refrain from tasting the knob!"), to Nelson repeatedly setting Milhouse's knob to "like" at the sight of a muscular man in a speedo ("One kid seems to love the speedo man.")
Focus Group Guy: Now, how many of you want to see Itchy and Scratchy face real life problems, like the ones you face every day?
Kids: Me! Me! I would!
Focus Group Guy: And how many of you would like to see just the opposite? Getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers?
Kids: Me! Me! I would!
Focus Group Guy: (utterly bamboozled) So...you want a realistic down-to-Earth show...that's completely off the wall...and swarming with magic robots?
Kids: Yeah, that sounds good.
Milhouse: And also, you should win things by watching!
The Leaning on the Fourth Wall gags with Roy.
This blink-and-you'll-miss-it paraprosdokian gag:
June: Very few cartoons are broadcast live — it’s a terrible strain on the animators’ wrists.
At the family's viewing party:
Jasper: Is this seat taken, little girl?
Bart: I'm not a girl! Are you blind?
Jasper: (dejected) Yes.
The family's reaction to Homer asking them what they thought about Poochie.
Homer: ...So, uh, it was pretty okay, huh?
(long awkward pause)
Bart: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner?
Marge: Yes we can.
(they run upstairs, leaving Homer alone)
Homer: At least I liked it, didn't I?
Homer's Brain: Oh, you don't wanna know how I really feel. Now look sad, and say "d'oh".
Homer: D'oh.
- And just beforehand:
  Ned: (nervously) Well, Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy and Chimpy I've ever seen.
  Carl: Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You've, uh... got a beautiful home here.
- In the cartoon itself, Itchy & Scratchy are driving to a fireworks factory when they stop for a hitchhiking Poochie — which is an Overly Long Gag of how Totally Radical Poochie is that completely derails the episode.
  Milhouse: WHEN ARE THEY GONNA GET TO THE FIREWORKS FACTORY?! [sobbing]

168 - "Homer's Phobia"

Homer, in a desperate attempt to either scare his son straight or show him what it means to be a real man's man, takes his son to a tour of a steel mill. But then it falls apart when the steel mill is staffed by every Hard Gay and Camp Gay stereotype, both of which are cranked up to eleven.
- "Stand still, there's a spark in your hair!" "Oh get it get it get iiiiit!"
- "Hot stuff comin' through!"
  Bart: (confused) Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill?
  Homer: (breaking down sobbing) I don't know! This is a nightmare! (to the gay workers): You're all sick!
  Random Mill Worker: Oh, be nice!
  Homer: Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! (break whistle blows): Oh my God, what's happening now?
  Foreman: We work hard, we play hard.
  (the steel mill then turns into a stereotypical gay nightclub, complete with smoke machines, flashing lights, "Gonna Make you Sweat" playing, and a man dancing in front of a slow-moving fan while his and the fan's shadows are cast all about.)
Earlier, he makes him sit in front of a huge billboard ad for cigarettes showing two sexy girls pillow fighting:
Homer: Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel?
Bart: I don't know. I kind of want a cigarette.
This line.
Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals FUH-LAMING!
Marge tries to delicately break it to Homer that John is gay, but he keeps missing her hints.
Marge: Uh, Homer, didn't John seem a little... festive, to you?
Homer: Couldn't agree more, happy as a clam!
Marge: He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn't?
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a Ho — mo...
Homer: Right...
Marge: ...Sexual.
Homer: (screams in terror)
The car ride as Homer, Bart, Moe, and Barney go hunting.
Barney: Today you're gonna be a man, Bart.
Bart: You gonna teach me to drive?
Moe: (sotto, to Barney) Oh, yeah. Let a twinkle-toes drive Betsy. Right.
Homer: Hehe. No, boy. You can't drive. You're only ten. You're going hunting.
Moe: You ever been huntin' before there, Barty?
Bart: No. Something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods. Seems kinda gay.
(uncomfortable silence)
Homer: That is a very immature attitude, young man!
And later when they fail to hunt anything.
Barney: Aw, we shoulda just stayed at the bar and shot some rats.
Moe: Hey, those ain't your rats, Barn!
Homer accepting his son's sexuality at the end.
Homer: You know Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking, but anyway you choose to live your life is okay.
Bart: What?
Lisa: (whispering in his ear) He thinks you're gay.
Bart: He thinks I'm gay!? ("Gonna Make you Sweat" starts up again)
And then the episode is dedicated to the Steelworkers of America: "Keep Reaching For That Rainbow!"

169 - "Brother from Another Series"

Lisa believing that stopping Cecil, Sideshow Bob's brother, cannot be done.
Lisa: Oh, it's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless.
Sideshow Bob: Oh, I see. When it's one of my evil schemes, you can't foil it fast enough, but when Cecil tries to kill you, it's "hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless!"
- Helped by Lisa's exasperated "Is this really the time for this?" look as Bob whines all of this.
As Bob complains about his underlings, Cecil tries to defend them:
Cecil: Come now, you speak as if they were a gaggle of slack-jawed yokels.
(Cletus bursts into the room)
Cletus: Mr. Terwilliger, come quick! There's trouble down to the cement-mixer, sir!
This moment after Cecil's plan failed.
Chief Wiggum: Well that's some good work, Lou. You'll make Sergeant for this.
Lou: Uh... I already am Sergeant, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Perhaps you are — But I say Bob goes back to jail!
Sideshow Bob: But surely... I mean— I caught Cecil!?
Chief Wiggum: Maybe so. But Lou here says you were resisting arrest.
Lou: No, I didn't, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Quiet, Lou — or I will bust you down to Sergeant so fast, it'll make your head spin!
Homer finding Ralph Wiggum on his lawn (still in bed) after the water from the broken dam crashes through the town (and surprisingly causes no damage) and Ralph whines, "I think I wet my bed!"
This beauty of a Shout-Out:
Bart: Guess who?
Cecil: Maris?
Anything with Bob and Cecil.
Bob: You do know I used to have a— (clears throat) problem with trying to kill people?
Cecil: Goodness, I had no idea. For, you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade, in a cave, with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.
Bob: Hm. Touché, Cecil.
Bart is convinced that Bob is still evil, and after he's released, wonders what terrible things Bob must be thinking. Cut to a close-up of Bob accompanied by his sinister theme music:
Bob: (thinking) I hope they still make that shampoo I like.
Bob and Cecil are talking about Bob's role on the dam project. After Cecil explains that Bob will be leading the construction crew, Bob asks if he'll be asked to lead the stereotypical catcalling. In a completely deadpan tone:
Bob: And I suppose it will be my job to lead the hooting. (mockingly) "Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam! Capital knockers!"
Just before that, Cecil explains his plans for the Springfield dam. Bob's reply?
Bob: Just the thought of all that raw, surging power makes me wonder why the hell I should care.
Bob spies Bart across the river and waves to him, causing Bart to hide behind a bush. Bob explains that Bart's "just shy from all the times I've tried to kill him". Cecil's nonplussed "Ah," makes it funny.
Bob and Cecil's Sissy Fight for top bunk of their cell for the final gag, followed by:
Cecil: So, when do they give out the menus?
When Bob catches Bart and Lisa investigating his garbage, he gets angry. The scene then cuts to Bob arrive at the Simpson's house.
Bob: Madam, your children are no more ... (camera pulls out to reveal he's hold Bart and Lisa by the necks) than a pair of ill-bred trouble makers!
Homer: Even Lisa?
Bob: Especially Lisa! But especially Bart!
The entire bit with Bart praying for God to kill Sideshow Bob, especially Homer's reason for why he shouldn't.
(Homer and Marge are standing outside Bart's door, listening to him saying his prayers before bedtime)
Bart: ... God bless Mom, and Dad, and Lisa, and Maggie. And please, God... kill Sideshow Bob.
Marge: Bart, no!
Bart: (Quickly) It's him or me, O Lord! (Marge walks in and pushes his hands down)
Marge: You can't ask God to kill someone!
Homer: Yeah! You do your own dirty work!
Bob figures Cecil's motives easily:
Bob: This is all because I got to be Krusty's sidekick instead of you, isn't it?
Cecil: Off the record? Yes. But officially, I did it for the money!
A rare lapse in intelligence from Bob when Cecil reveals he's confident he'll get away with everything.
Cecil:...or perhaps they'll blame master criminal. You know? The one who's been working at the dam and has a grudge against Springfield?
Bob: Now, I know Cousin Merle has had his troubles with the revenuers, but he's hardly a master crim— oh, you're referring to me.
Cecil: Yes. I'm framing you, and I'm doing a really excellent job, too!
And Cecil hasn't quite got the hang of Evil Gloating.
Cecil: (after having left, he briefly returns) Oh, and by the way, I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside it.
Bob: Well, obviously.
When Bart and Milhouse are spying on Cecil and Bob and debating on what they are planning
Milhouse: Maybe he's gonna pee in the river?
Bart: Nah that's not his style.
The recap, for those unfamiliar with Bob’s backstory:
Krusty: Hey, hey, it's my old T.V. sidekick Sideshow Bob. Why, I haven't seen you in years. What have you been doing with yourself, Bob?
Bob: Well, Krusty, as you may remember, after I tried to frame you for armed robbery, I tried to murder Selma Bouvier. Let's see— I rigged the mayoral elections, I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you.
Krusty: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Bob: And whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder... Bart Simpson.
(Bart, watching Krusty's show on TV, runs away screaming.)
Homer: He said, "Tried".
Towards the end of the episode, Bob and Bart go falling down the dam. This is funny for two reasons.
- First of all, the fall goes on for so long that they have to take a breath mid-scream.
- The fall is eventually cut off when Bob lands on a wide pipe. Unfortunately, he lands crotch first and proceeds to rotate 180 degrees so his feet are sticking up in the air. The wide-eyed expression on his face sells it.

170 - "My Sister, My Sitter"

Chief Wiggum confusing a Bob Saget live comedy special for a Bob Seger concert.
The world's first two-story outhouse.
"OH GOD, STOP!"
At Dr. Nicks, Snake checking himself in after claiming he fell onto a bullet, and that it got lodged into his gut. The receptionist ticks off 'Liquor store robbery' on a checklist of reasons why people are checking themselves in.
- The actual list contains the following options: Unusual Sex Practice, Looter's Hernia, Mexican Stand-Off, Prison Tunnel Syndrome, Armed Homeowner, John Gotti's Disease, Allergic Reaction (Mace, Pepper Spray, Bullets) and Liquor Store Robbery.
- Hell everything about Dr. Nick's in this episode is brilliant. His phone book ad that actually says "As Good As Dr. Hibbert," and the motto outside his office "We stitch and don't snitch." And the wheelbarrow line in his office that has Moe with a drunken Barney, a lab monkey with a burnt up Professor Frink and a waiter with a bloated Comic Book Guy.
  Comic Book Guy: [moans] Loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
- Waylon Smithers would really not like to divulge why he's at Dr. Nick's clinic to Lisa.
Smithers (standing up uncomfortably): Ummm, no. I really would rather (he looks down at his derriere) get this taken care of.
When Bart calls a number of people to the house the second last is a government official that results in this hilarious moment;
G-Man: We got a report that a Lisa Simpson spotted a UFO.
Lisa: I didn't see any UFO!
G-Man: That's right Miss. You. Didn't.
(he gestures in the negative to a scientist a few feet away with a syringe)
And then, out of nowhere, a chauffeur appears looking for the ambassador of Ghana.
Homer gets stuck in a fountain floor, which ends up forming a cage of a water beams around him. People gather around and point and laugh at him, like he was an attraction in a carnival or a zoo.
Homer: Don't laugh at me! I was once like you!
Homer and Marge visit the Squidport gala and notice a funky-looking building with a car's rear sticking out from its side.
Marge: Isn't that clever? It looks like a Cadillac drove right into the building.
Hans Moleman: (pokes his head from car as Homer and Marge leave) Help me!
Bart's childish attitude towards Lisa in refusing to go to bed and Lisa getting more and more irritated.

171 - "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

This line from Kent Brockman at the St. Patrick's Day parade:
Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stands for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property—are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?
When Prohibition is declared in Springfield, Homer comes up with a surprisingly clever workaround. He garners a large amount of money, which impresses Marge. Naturally, Lisa calls Homer out for his actions. The response that she gets is a simultaneous "Go to Your Room!, Lisa!" from Homer, Marge, and Bart, complete with pointing upstairs.
Rex Banner looks over Springfield, determined to stop the alcohol bootlegging.
Rex Banner: You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron, and I'll find you.
Homer: (faint shout from across the town) No, you won't!
Rex Banner: Yes, I will!
Homer: (faint again) ...Won't!
Homer runs out of liquor and via a suggestion from Moe Szyslak decides to brew his own.
Moe: Homer, my customers are sobering up, and they ain't gonna stick around for the ambience. You gotta get me more beer!
Homer: Sorry, I'm all out. Ooh, how about some turpentine? Or caulk, delicious caulk?
Moe: Look, find it, buy it, make it, I don't care. Just get me some booze and fast.
Homer: Make it, eh?
(cut to Homer at a huge warehouse store)
Homer: 42 bathtubs, please.
Male Employee: You know they're 50 for $3,000 today.
Homer: [insistent] I said 42.
- However, it eventually goes wrong, as the bathtubs start exploding, which Homer tries covering up.
Marge: What on earth happened down there?
Homer: Uh, nothing, Marge. I think it must have been that bean I had for dinner!
(cut to night, Homer and Marge are in bed and the stills are still exploding)
Homer: Kamboom! Blam! Oh, excuse me again, dear.
Marge: Homer, there's no point in pretending you're making those noises. Your homemade liquor is exploding again.
Homer: What's that, dear? Kablamo!
Marge: You made a little money, and had the fun of being a wanted criminal; why not give it up, while you're ahead?
Homer: Boom.
- Then Homer goes downstairs and there's another explosion. A few seconds later he runs outside on fire, rolls around screaming until the fire is out, then stands up and calmly says "I've thought about what you said, honey, and I've decided to quit."
Homer's toast after the Prohibition law was repealed (which, in a lot of funny and sad cases, is Truth in Television).
Homer: To alcohol! The cause of — and solution to — all of life's problems!
When Rex Banner unwittingly steps onto the catapult, Wiggum gives the word to launch him. What really sells it is Quimby's perfectly deadpan response:
Quimby: That was unexpected.
The scene where Helen Lovejoy and a group of women come into Moe's after the prohibition law has been put into effect has this gem
Chief Wiggum: Better put on the old Wiggum charm! (he starts to walk towards the group of women, moving, smiling and humming like he's had a few drinks beforehand)
Helen Lovejoy: (gasps, then shrieks) PERVERT!!!!!!
Chief Wiggum: Oh boy, that sounded bad...
Mayor Quimby's response to the angry women of Springfield.
Helen Lovejoy: We demand prohibition!
Quimby: Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town! You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies!
Aide: (leans in and whispers) Uh, election in November, election in November.
Quimby: WHAT? Again?! This stupid country...
When the clerk presents the old law on prohibition, he also mentions another law made at the same time requiring ducks to wear long pants.
Quimby: (as he examines the parchment) Well, I'll be darned. Long pants!
Maude Flanders: (annoyed) Read the other part. The non-duck part.
In order to hide from Rex Banner, Moe disguises his bar as a pet shop. Naturally, Banner comes investigating.
(as a party occurs inside Moe's, Rex approaches and knocks on the door. Moe comes to the locked door to answer)
Rex Banner: Open up, curly! This is a raid!
Moe: Raid? Curly?!
(the angle changes to show Moe beginning to reach for a switch by the door)
Moe: Uh, alright. But I don't know what you expect to find in a, (he grabs the switch, and pulls it, the bar switches out and is replaced with pet shop accoutrements) uh, simple... neighborhood pet shop!
(Moe opens the door, and motions for everyone present to hide their drinks; all they do is hide them behind their backs)
Rex Banner: A pet shop? Well, let me ask you something... what kind of pet shop is filled with rambunctious yahoos and hot jazz music at one a.m.?
Moe: Um… uh… the… best damn pet shop in town!
(Everyone present cheers, raising their beer glasses in agreement, before quickly hiding them again)
Rex Banner: Alright, but you people remember: Baby turtles and alligators may seem like a cute idea for a pet, but they grow up!
(Banner leaves, and a relieved Moe flicks the switch, returning the bar to its natural condition... along with a severely bloodied Barney)
Barney: Ouch! Those gears down there really hurt!
Duff's response to the threat of prohibition:
Duff CEO: No, I'm not worried. Customers enjoy Duff for its robust taste, not its alcoholic content. That's why I'm confident that our new Duff Zero will sell even better than our previous brands.
(cut to the CEO presenting Duff Zero at a store. It then cuts to "thirty minutes later". The CEO is putting a "closed" sign over the main gate.)
Duff CEO: Welp, that's the end of me.
When a jobless Wiggum threatens Homer at gunpoint, Homer points out that his gun doesn't have a trigger because he had to sell the trigger and most of the handle to feed his family, but Wiggum assures Homer that he can still throw it pretty hard.
At the end of the episode, the clerk that discovered the 200 year old prohibition law discovers that said law was repealed 199 years ago.

172 - "Grade School Confidential"

This gag that further proves that Krusty is illiterate (or, at the very least, semi-literate):
Maude Flanders: We're talking about S-E-X! In front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
Krusty: Sex Cauldron?! I thought they shut that place down!
Principal Skinner and Edna Krabappel request to tell the town their side of the story.
Chalmers: Oh, yeah, that'll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The guy with a bumblebee suit or the one with a bone through his hair?
Sideshow Mel: My opinions are as valid as the next man's!
The kids getting sick at Martin's party, including Nelson getting a stomach ache after punching Martin in the stomach, Bart feeding his oysters to the cat, and Lisa telling Bart that she faked food poisoning (since she's a vegetarian) just so she can leave.
The mathmagician who can't divide well.
A blindfolded Milhouse gets sick and runs to vomit in a crowded bouncy castle.
Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel hides out in Martin's playhouse:
Skinner: (holding a miniature teapot) More tea, Edna?
Edna: (holding a miniature teacup) What kind of little boy has a tea set?
Skinner: (as he pours her tea) Heh, I think we both know the answer to that... A lucky boy!
Principal Skinner hearing Bart talking about the incident that Bart saw at Martin's party after all the guests left:
Bart: You are never going to guess what I saw at Martin's party after you guys left. You know that playhouse? Well, I...
Skinner: (overhears Bart) Good gravy!
Cafeteria worker: Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water.
Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel tries to convince Bart to keep quiet about their affair:
Skinner: Now, Bart. Son. I don't know what you think you saw, but, uh, let me assure you...
Edna: (places her hand on Skinner's shoulder) What Seymour— (realizes what she is doing and quickly pulls her hand back) Oh! What Principal Skinner means to say, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him.
Bart: That's the best you can do?! You could at least say you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play.
(beat)
Skinner: Is it too late to say that?
Bart: (nods) Mmm-hmm.
When Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel gets caught making out, the event is subject to quite a bit of Gossip Evolution, but eventually it ends in Ralph Wiggum delivering this immortal line:
Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.
Chief Wiggum: The baby looked at you?
Principal Skinner says that he never actually had sex with Mrs. Krabappel, and he can prove it:
Skinner: Well, everyone, the fact is, I have never "had relations". (dramatic pause) I am a virgin.
(long moment of slience, everyone stares at Skinner in shock)
Nelson: Ha-ha!
(the towns people chatter confused amongst themselves)
Homer: Hey, does this mean that Mrs. Krabappel is a virgin, too?
Edna: Ha!
The scene where they try to talk Skinner and Edna into leaving the school.
Chalmers: (into megaphone) Skinner, get off of my school!
Skinner: No! You get off of my school!
Marge: Homer, Bart's up there!
Homer: (takes megaphone from Chalmers) Gimme that! (into megaphone) BART! This is your father! Do you know... where the remote is? I looked all over the house.
Bart: Did you check your pocket?
Homer: (finds remote, then speaks to Marge through the megaphone) It was... (lowers megaphone) ...it was in my pocket.
- Even better considering the last bit was a mistake by Dan Castanella that they left in.
Chief Wiggum tries reverse psychology to get Skinner and Edna to leave the school.
Chief Wiggum: Fine. Stay in the school. We don't want you to come out.
Bart: You got it.
Chief Wiggum: Damn.

173 - "The Canine Mutiny"

The cops having a pot party after the blind man claims that his marijuana was medically prescribed to him for his eyesight.
- "Yeah, medicinal! Without it, I could go even... blinder, right?"
This exchange:
Groundskeeper Willie: Yeah, I bought your mutt, and I 'ate him! (begins to eat a leg of meat)
(Scare Chord as Bart gasps in horror)
Groundskeeper Willie: I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barking! So I gave him to the church.
Bart: (relieved) Oh, I see, you hate him, so you gave him to the church.
Groundskeeper Willie: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on my rug. (Bart stares at him in confusion) You heard me!
When Bart visits the Springfield Repo depot, Moe is present too.
Moe: You gotta give me back my floor! The customers are walkin' around on the pipes!
(camera angle changes to show that the entire floor of Moe's bar is propped up against the wall behind the desk)
Repo manager: Well next time pay your taxes.
Moe: But I don't want to!
- It's even funnier when you consider they took every tile and reassembled them in their store.
When Bart is searching for the whereabouts of Santa's Little Helper, he is told by the repo men that they gave his dog to "some guy wearing a dress". Who does Bart's logic tell him to go to? Patty and Selma.

174 - "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Mr. Burns checking his stocks:
Mr. Burns: Well, let's get at the old stock ticker and have a look. Here's where I stopped checking it the last time: September 1929... (examines the readout with increasing horror) Oh no. Oh no! Oh no! Smithers! Why didn't you tell me about me about this market crash?!
Smithers: Uh... Well... Sir, it happened twenty-five years before I was born!
Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything!
Mr. Burns is the guest speaker at Lisa's "Junior Achievers" club:
Lisa: Does your plant have a recycling program?
Mr. Burns: (confused) "Re-cy-cling"? (he turns his mental dictionary to "R", and searches but doesn't find "recycle" anywhere) I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.
Lisa: You never heard of recycling? It means to reuse things to conserve our natural resources.
Mr. Burns: Ooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing? Well, I say "hard cheese"!
Later, the bankrupt Mr. Burns has to sell his house to Bret "The Hitman" Hart:
Real Estate Agent: And, I'm sure a pro-wrestler such as yourself will appreciate all the closet space, Hitman.
Bret Hart: (sniffs) Eww! This place has got old-man stink!
Smithers: (to Mr. Burns) Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.
Mr. Burns goes grocery shopping. Hilarity Ensues.
Lenny running the plant.
(into PA) Uh... attention, everyone... uh... um... work harder. Bye! (cracks his knuckles and declines in the chair)
- And then later on in the episode Homer and Smithers comment on how hard Lenny is on all the workers.
Skinner receives only 75 cents for recycling a half ton of newspapers. He declares that the club's trip to Albany is off and they're not to recycle anymore. Lisa protests by saying they managed to save a whole tree, at which point he deliberately reverses into a tree to knock it down.
Lisa teaching Mr. Burns how to collect garbage.
Burns: You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage?
Lisa: Not good money really. Each can'll get you a nickel.
Burns: Oh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel, with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the Polo Grounds.
Lisa: (unimpressed) There's a can.
- Then later:
Burns: Well, Lisa, as my adviser, you're entitled to 10%.
Lisa: Oh, I'm not doing this for the money. I'm just happy knowing that future generations will enjoy unspoiled median strips and pristine highway embankments.
Burns: (unimpressed) There's a can.
Marge makes wisecracks about Mr. Burns after learning he's digging through trash on the news.
Marge: Wow. He went from stinking rich to just plain stinking!
(everyone but Lisa laughs)
Bart: Good one, Mom!
Homer: Oh, you're so bad, honey!
Lisa: You guys shouldn't laugh at him. Mr. Burns has changed. He's different now.
Marge: Yeah, he's broke!
(everyone but Lisa resumes laughing)
Homer: Two in a row!
Homer having four simultaneous heart attacks after Lisa tears up the check, and then a fifth one after she tells him how much 10% of 120 million is.

175 - "In Marge We Trust"

Reverend Lovejoy's sermon on constancy, which puts the entire congregation to sleep.
The "Mr. Sparkle" commercial.
I'M DISRESPECTFUL TO DIRT!! CAN YOU SEE THAT I'M SERIOUS?

JOIN ME OR DIE. CAN YOU DO ANY LESS?
- Homer then finds out that its a complete coincidence that Mr. Sparkle resembles him:
  Bart: There's your answer, fishbulb.
  Homer: [tired and dejected] Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. [trudges across the living room] C'mon kids, let's go home.
  Bart: We are home.
  Homer: [slumps onto the couch] That was fast.
Flanders' incessant calls about his alleged sins being the reason why Reverend Lovejoy has stopped caring about helping others. One of them happens to be "I think I swallowed a toothpick!"
Homer's line, "Now that's religion!" after Reverend Lovejoy recounts his fight with the monkeys at the zoo.

176 - "Homer's Enemy"

When Homer races home to work on the contest, Frank watches him and gives a sinister contemplating laugh, until Homer backs into his car.
Homer is in Grimes's office, annoying him, when alarms blare and red lights go on at Homer's work station.
Grimes: Simpson, you got a five-thirteen!
(Homer looks at his watch)
Grimes: No, a 513. In your procedures manual — a 513?
(Homer stares blankly, then looks at his watch again)
Grimes: Look at your control panel!
Homer: Oh, a five-thirteen! I'll handle it!
(Homer walks into his office, takes out a bucket of water and pours it on the control panel, causing it to short-circuit and stopping the alarms) That got it.
Bart finds out the factory collapsed when Milhouse was there.
Bart: Milhouse! You were supposed to be the night watchman!
Milhouse: I was watching. First it started falling over — then it fell over.
Bart: Wow... I wonder where all the rats are gonna go.
(the rats are seen running out of the debris pile, across the street, and into Moe's Tavern)
Moe: (from inside) Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks!
Though considered offensive by some, Frank Grimes' mental breakdown and death is considered funny and well-deserved by those who think Frank Grimes was too mean to Homer.
- "I'm peeing on the seat! Give me a RAISE!"
At one point, Frank is watching Homer eating.
Grimes: Good lord, he eats like a pig!
Carl: Eh, I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.
(the scene changes to Homer trying to eat a donut without bothering to chew)
Grimes: Well, some kind of farm animal, anyway.
Martin presenting his high-tech model of a futuristic power plant.
Mr. Burns: Ugh, too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?
Martin: But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now!
(Martin turns a knob on the model, which adjusts the lights in the auditorium)
Mr. Burns: You lose! Get off my property!

177 - "The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase"

During the parade, Wiggum and Skinner scan the crowd and find Big Daddy, and they immediately give chase:
Ralph: Look, Big Daddy! It's Regular Daddy!
Big Daddy: The Chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run.
[Daddy briefly fans himself with his hat]
Big Daddy: Lord o' mercy, I wish I weren't so fat...
[Contrary to his concerns, Big Daddy absolutely hauls his ass.]
- The ensuing chase ends when Big Daddy reaches the governor's stolen mansion. With the heroes close behind, Big Daddy makes a beeline for a desk chair and promptly turns away from his pursuers. He soon performs a dramatic Chair Reveal for Wiggum and Skinner, who clearly saw him get in the chair beforehand. Even better, they still act surprised when they see Big Daddy.
This exchange when they find him in the stolen floating mansion.
Wiggum: Is that so, Big Daddy? Well expect THIS! The arrest of you... by me!
Big Daddy: Ma cher, New Orleans is my town. Won't nobody gonna mess with me. I've got interests... and I don't mean stamp collecting. Though I do find that extremely interesting!
Skinner: Oh yeah? Well that makes two of us.
"Chief Wiggum, P.I. will return... right now!"
The fact that Skinner who supposedly grew up in "Nu'Orlans", he claims New Orleans isn't a party town and has no idea what Mardi Gras is.
When Big Daddy makes his final escape, neither Skinner or Wiggum care much.
Skinner: (as Big Daddy slowly swims away in the background) He's gradually getting away, chief.
Wiggum: Eh, let 'im go. I have a feeling we'll see each other again, in more sexy and exciting adventures.
The entirety of "The Love-Matic Grampa" is sick and hilarious.
- How Abe becomes stuck in the love tester: he becomes crushed to death by several large cans and a store shelf. His angel floats out only to have his wings seared off by a plane and he falls into the machine.
- Abe dares Moe to charm the next person that walks in the bar... and on cue Homer walks in.
- Abe talks down on Homer for what he did to him at his funeral. After a while, Homer pulling the plug on the love tester and requests that Moe get a karaoke machine.
Abe: (after Moe plugs him back in) That's the second time he pulled the plug on me. ^note
- Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney destroying the love tester.
Kearney: It said I was gay!
The end showing all the crazy plots for future episodes (most of which have come true in some capacity), and the newer episodes allegedly featuring a tiny, green space alien named Ozmodiar that only Homer can see^note.

178 - "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Bart puts 15 megaphones end-to-end, making the amplification louder, and says "TESTING!". The result is a sonic feedback loop so huge, it sends a shockwave throughout all of Springfield, breaking every window in the process and even Homer's Duff beer bottles.
Homer orders Bart to go to the garage instead of his (Bart's) bedroom as punishment. Then Bart is seen using the riding lawn mower. And soon after he's being chased by cop cars.
While visiting the school, Bart and Lisa come across a class being held:
Cadet: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
Lisa: They're discussing poetry! We never do this at school!
Instructor: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful?
Marge: Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.
While everyone else at the shooting range was using single-shot rifles, the instructor assumed that because Bart had attended public school he would have proficiency in small arms, so he moved him up to something a little more advanced — a grenade launcher.
Bart nails all of his targets with the launcher — except the last one, where the grenade goes spiraling off into the distance.
Instructor: Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive! But you missed your last target.
Bart: (smirking) Did I?
(Cut to an Ash Faced Principal Skinner, standing in front of a smoking crater in the school parking lot still holding his car keys out)
Nelson: (from a school window) Ha-ha!
Bart and Lisa are forced to scrub the statue in front of the school when Lisa notices the statue's plaque, and in the process spectacularly deflates an inspirational moment:
Lisa: Hey, look, it's the school motto.
Bart: "I'll die before I surrender, Tim." Who's Tim?
Lisa: Apparently Tim was somebody who was with the general moments before he was shot in the head.
The commandant revealing the former graduation procedure:
Commandant: It used to be that we would make you fight each other in a two-day battle royale!
Lisa: Eep.
Commandant: That was before 1957. (under his breath) Thank you very much, State Supreme Court...
Just before having to go through The Eliminator, the commandant makes an announcement:
Commandant: Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the State Supreme Court has ruled that use of the Eliminator is a barbaric and malicious practice.
Lisa: Yes!
Commandant: Henceforth, you shall be the last class to be subjected to it!
Lisa: D'oh!

Funny / The Simpsons Season 8

154 - "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Opening

A - "The Thing and I"

B - "The Genesis Tub"

C - "Citizen Kang":

155 - "You Only Move Twice"

156 - "The Homer They Fall"

157 - "Burns, Baby Burns"

158 - "Bart After Dark"

159 - "A Milhouse Divided"

160 - "Lisa's Date with Density"

161 - "Hurricane Neddy"

162 - "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of [Our] Homer)"

163 - "The Springfield Files"

164 - "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Commentary

165 - "Mountain of Madness"

166 - "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious"

167 - "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

168 - "Homer's Phobia"

169 - "Brother from Another Series"

170 - "My Sister, My Sitter"

171 - "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

172 - "Grade School Confidential"

173 - "The Canine Mutiny"

174 - "The Old Man and the Lisa"

175 - "In Marge We Trust"

176 - "Homer's Enemy"

177 - "The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase"

178 - "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Previous

Index

Next

Funny / The Simpsons Season 8

Edit Locked

154 - "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Opening

A - "The Thing and I"

B - "The Genesis Tub"

C - "Citizen Kang":

155 - "You Only Move Twice"

156 - "The Homer They Fall"

157 - "Burns, Baby Burns"

158 - "Bart After Dark"

159 - "A Milhouse Divided"

160 - "Lisa's Date with Density"

161 - "Hurricane Neddy"

162 - "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of [Our] Homer)"

163 - "The Springfield Files"

164 - "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"

Commentary

165 - "Mountain of Madness"

166 - "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious"

167 - "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show"

168 - "Homer's Phobia"

169 - "Brother from Another Series"

170 - "My Sister, My Sitter"

171 - "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"

172 - "Grade School Confidential"

173 - "The Canine Mutiny"

174 - "The Old Man and the Lisa"

175 - "In Marge We Trust"

176 - "Homer's Enemy"

177 - "The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase"

178 - "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

Previous

Index

Next