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Funny: Retsupurae Slowbeef And Diabetus
's very own slowbeef
has accumulated so many funny moments that it even broke the page that was meant exclusively for their account. This page contains the original Retsupuraes: where people watch and jest at a Let's Play.
Examples (in alphabetical order):
open/close all folders
- 007's shyer, nerdier brother plays Battletoads is fairly dull for most of the video until the end.
MrNelson007: I'd like to give a great big thanks to the developers of Battletoads for being such magnificently large bastards...
slowbeef: [laughing] Such magnificently large bastards?! What, are they all fat?
Diabetus: I think you need to ante up your put-downs there a little bit, guy.
slowbeef: "I'd like to thank Rare Software for being so full of dirty people. Way to be Mexican, guys, Jesus."
- ADD LP, a guy doing a 'quick update' while he plays Minecraft and constantly gets distracted.
- Amagon: A Great Choice for Your Child's First LP: retroNES2600 says "damn" and then apologizes for his language, despite saying the more harsh "fuck" and "shit" before and after this apology. The duo have fun with this throughout the rest of the video.
- Amnesia: The Dork's Descent is based off a fairly popular video of someone playing Amnesia and freaking out a lot.
I never played it, it's supposed to be scary? Diabetus:
It really gets scary when you have wimpy British people talking over it.
... [A white fade appears on the screen] slowbeef
: So, wait. Was that editing or did the game transition? Diabetus:
I think the game is attempting to uninstall itself while these people are playing it.
is Bowser's evil test
Do you think a Care Bear is doing this Let's Play? Diabetus:
A Care Bear would be more manly than this.
- The intro sets the tone for the rest of the RP.
Jenomorph: Here we go! OHHH FUCK!!
Diabetus: And there goes the atmosphere of the game altogether.
- Their completely underwhelmed reaction to the monster while the player is screaming like a little girl.
slowbeef: Alright, I-I'm sorry, that... Nothing is that scary.
- At 5:41 Diabetus drops this gem:
would be like "Man up you little fuck".
- Asura's, Like, Wrath IS THE MOST AWESOME THING LET'S DO THIS we get pre-Creatures ImmortalHD's incredibly excited playthrough of Asura's Wrath.
Holy shit look at this guy, he's like in space. [laughter] Ironicus:
in space. You could say it's as if
he's in space. slowbeef
: Not quite. ImmortalHD
: Like, this physically doesn't make any sense. Chip Cheezum
: [in a Joisey accent]
Yo, my anime game don't make any sense. I don't get this. They never established space. slowbeef
: He don't care, though.
[...] [character from the game dives off the ship and flies toward earth] ImmortalHD:
Whoa, what the fuck? What the fuck!? Chip Cheezum:
Oh my god, do not show this man the first Superman movie! Ironicus:
Can there be a series where this guy just watches DBZ
'cause I would subscribe to the man. slowbeef
: [imitating ImmortalHD]
"I'm amazed by fucking anything!
" Chip Cheezum:
"Wait a second, there's a power level even further beyond!? WHAT!?
- Automatic 100 HP Penalty for Finishing This Video. The gang watches a Let's Play where the LPer voices and adlibs dialog for everybody. Including the horse.
Look at all the potential characters he could- look, there's "Bridgey", up top; he could voice him
if he wanted. [in falsetto]
"Hey, wanna cross me
later?" Diabetus: [also in falsetto]
"Hey, I'm a Blue Square!" slowbeef: [normal voice]
"Hey, I'm your friend Green Square! Don't forget about me!" [slightly higher-pitched]
"I'm your friend, Dislike Button! Please hit me a lot!" Diabetus: [in gruff voice]
"I'm the Red Square, motherfucker!" [beat]
"Hi, I'm the Player Phase!"
- He adlibs dialog for everyone during the battle, portraying the bandits as racists and having everyone curse liberally. It continues to go downhill from there.
"Here, sheepy sheepy! Come to the slaughter!" Frederick:
"I think YOU should come to the slaughter, you fucking asshole!
was your comeback, really
Well, that was dialogue removed from the final product. slowbeef: [mocking the LPer]
No you! Uh... motherfucker? Diabetus: [in gruff voice]
Sticks and stones... may break my motherfucking bones, motherfucker. slowbeef: [gruff]
"This Let's Play is really realy-" [in surfer-esque voice the LPer keeps using]
annoying, shitdick!" Diabetus: [gruff]
"I am rubber, and you're a dildo!
...strike!" slowbeef: All
the enemies have throat problems, apparently.
- Basic Problem Solving with Tinkidink and The Lime Popsicle. slowbeef and Chip Cheezum take on the eponymous LPers, as they in turn take on Stage 1 of The Incredible Crash Dummies NES game for 23 minutes. And little wonder, too; they play so badly that slowbeef starts giving them genuinely useful playing advice despite having never played the game before.
- The video title, in particular, comes from the LPers' collective inability to figure out basic gameplay mechanics. For example, Slick's primary weapon briefly stuns enemies, allowing him to walk through them until they recover. Neither LPer gets this until the end of the video. slowbeef says early on that even his non-gaming wife got annoyed by how long it took the LPers to get past the first enemy.
- The kicker is that the video is 23 minutes long with editing. The duo finds themselves wondering just what the LPers thought needed to be cut compared to the rest of the video!
- Best Terraria Let's Play I've Ever Seen!: The after-LP commentary is longer than the LP itself. That's because the LP is one second long.
- BillyMC's Christmas Adventure: The previous Billy MC videos have been full of jokes about his abusive parents who are forcing him to LP The Lost Levels, which makes it all the more hysterical when Billy himself mentions getting a phone call from his mother, asking him if he wants anything from McDonald's while she's doing her Christmas shopping. Take your pick for which is funnier: the final take where the guys pick up the implication that he gets McDonald's food as Christmas presents and run with it, or the first take included after the video, where they just collapse into laughter.
- Bioshock: slowbeef and Diabetus freak out at the LPer's creepiness:
Is this the "pre-bank robbery" video? slowbeef:
"If you don't subscribe to me, I will blow up a hospital!
Seriously, he has a gas mask
in the background, look! slowbeef:
Holy shit! He's like the Unabomber Jr.! [The Bioshock theme suddenly starts playing] slowbeef:
What the! Where did this violin music come from? We didn't add that! Diabetus:
Maybe he's playing it with the arm he has extended out there. slowbeef:
Maybe he's got a naked woman held by the throat in his outstretched hand. Diabetus:
Forcing her to play the violin. slowbeef:
Look at his eyes!
God, he's scaring me!
Oh yeah, one complaint again: [looks down] NO FRIGGIN' FEET! slowbeef:
Whoa! All right, calm down! Diabetus:
Sounds like this guy has a fetish. thezenbrothers:
Uhhhh. I hate that for some reason. slowbeef: Yeah, that never happens in first person shooters.
... [We enter the infamous lighthouse foyer◊] slowbeef:
"'No Gods, Kings or Feet' We forgot to put it in the banner!" Diabetus:
"Which is why I hate this game!" slowbeef:
Ryan's statue is glaring at him, like "Don't make this video, you asshole!"
- B-mer-mine The editing in the video makes it almost unwatchable.
slowbeef: Is he editing out like, every other second for some reason?
Diabetus: We're seeing his actual attention span right now.
- Bowser's Evil Test
But there's sumfink I haven't told you about yet! slowbeef:
Uh-oh, what is it? Electrical Beast:
Mario now has the power to turn back time! But only once! Because when he saved the time in the Tick Tock Clock... slowbeef:
Um, I was just kidding about the fanfiction thing, is he really doing that? Electrical Beast:
...he became the Hero of Time, and the Time Gods paid Mario a visit, but I couldn't get that bit on camera because the Time God's so powerful... slowbeef:
What the hell are you talking about, you nut?! ...maybe he was playing Chrono Trigger
and doesn't realize when one game ends and the other begins? Diabetus:
Nah, I think he's just crazy. slowbeef:
Can't it be both?
- After the video ends, slowbeef makes a troubling discovery.
: He's got us by the balls, we have to watch the next episode to find out what the fuck he's talking about. Diabetus
: The sad thing is, this is the last episode that he uploaded. slowbeef
: Are you kidding? Diabetus
: There is nothing after this. slowbeef
: The saga of Electrical Beast
ends on a fucking cliffhanger!? Diabetus
: Yes, it ended on April 15, 2008. [long pause] slowbeef
: God. Uh, I never expected that.
- In Braid - The Love Connection, the guys discuss what they would do if they could go back in time:
Dave_o: If I could go back in time, I would be slowbeef.
Diabetus: Aww, no you wouldn't.
Dave_o: But... I don't know if I'd want to live through the 70s. Ohhh. You're old.
- Bro-Op LP starring BillyMC, featuring The Lime Popsicle's interest in Kat Dennings, Ho Yay-laden teamwork, and Lime saying that everybody who's ever played the game with him has tried to kill him.
slowbeef: It's stunning that there's already just BillyMC but now the fact that there's two, it's astronomically impossible!
Diabetus: I didn't know Billy could undergo mitosis.
slowbeef: He's spreading like Agent Smith from The Matrix. "And me!" "And me!" "And me!"
Diabetus: "Me too?"
slowbeef: "Me too!" "Oh boy, now we can play four-player games!"
- A Brutal Mario Let's Play
fireboy116: (lethargically) Jump. Jump.
* they both crack up*
slowbeef: Jesus Christ... "Record, record. Talk, talk."
Diabetus: I like how he made his controller settings for the hard of hearing.
- Call it
slowbeef: Why does he have to-don't make us watch the tutorial.
Diabetus: Couldn't he explain all the important stuff in a real operation, with story and everything behind it?
slowbeef: Or couldn't he just cut up a bum and get arrested, so I don't have to watch this?
Diabetus: Well, that was kind of a sloppy suture.
slowbeef: Come on, man. You're a doctor. Show us how it-no, not just the... I'm sorry I left a gaping hole in your chest, Mr. Johnson. They call me Dr. Butterfingers.
Diabetus: He was suturing the wound under the wound.
slowbeef: Let's make sure he's got-no! He just stitched into the wound!
Diabetus: Good? How is that good?
slowbeef: It's like the game knows he's got a four-year-old's capacity.
- Coming this fall...
I'd go as far as to say this is the most balanced RPG I've ever played. slowbeef:
What kind of ad for Chrono Trigger
"Very balanced: GameFAQs
I guess that means if you put the cartridge on your head, it won't fall off.
... HC Bailly:
So, that's all for this preview episode. Diabetus: Preview
Wait, it's a preview?! Diabetus:
You know, like when you watch the movie previews before the actual...thing. slowbeef:
But it's not like The Watchmen, it's some asshole playing Chrono Trigger
! Who cares?
I played this game at least 15 times. Diabetus: 15? slowbeef:
Isn't it like a 20 hour game? Diabetus:
Yeah, so 20 times 15, that equals... how many reasons you shouldn't watch this video. slowbeef:
It equals 300, like pounds in this guy's ass!
- Cool Minecraft Audio Mods! features a Minecraft PvPer whose commentary mostly consists of heavy breathing into the microphone and loud keyboard clacking.
- Cornshaq, baby, please... Their entire tirade near the end, culminating in "My response will not take any longer than 10 minutes, because that is the Youtube limit." There's also the bonus after the video ends, where they realize that Cornshaq never stopped talking throughout the entire video, and burst into laughter when the video cuts him off. It's almost even funnier in the second Youtube version, where their own reaction gets cut off by the Youtube time limit.
I will be playing as nothing but
Yeah, nothin' but
Luigi, mothafucker! slowbeef:
YEAH, DON'T YOU EVEN TRIP, SON! Proteus
: You're not gonna bring some Mario in this house, motherfuck? slowbeef
: Fuck that Toad shit, mothafucka. Proteus
: Yeah motherfuckers. Only pussies
use Toad. slowbeef
: Look at me kicking my legs like a gangsta!
If I'm not gonna die... slowbeef:
Why are you not gonna die? Cornshaq:
Why waste the time? slowbeef: [laughter]
YO, THIS SHIT, THIS KICKS LP HOT, SON! I AIN'T GONNA DIE, 'CAUSE IT'S A WASTE OF MY TIME! LUIGI, YO!
... slowbeef: [imitating Cornshaq]
"I'm called this because I have a corncob up my left nostril and Shaquille O'Neal's dick up my right."
- After Diabetus believes Cornshaq to be like the kid who gets ignored by the teacher in class because he never shuts up, all three goons take turns pretending to be Cornshaq and his teacher.
: Anyone else wanna answer this question? Proteus
: Does anybody have the answer? Diabetus
: The question wasn't about Super Mario Bros. 2
: Anybody besides Jason? Anybody besides Jason?
Okay, fine Jason. What's the answer? slowbeef
: [imitating "Jason"]
"Well, it's a lot like Mario 2 where you pick up a mushroom. It's weird-" Proteus
: Okay, Jason. We gotta move on from Mario 2. Diabetus
: "This is why I go in a bathysphere and put a fish bowl on my head and go into outer space in an astronaut suit." slowbeef
: "Mr. Neal. The answer to this multiplication problem is twelve but also Mario 2 is the greatest game ever." Proteus
: "Houston, we have Mario 2. I repeat. We have Mario 2.
: Someone, please. Michelle? David? Anyone wanna answer? Diabetus
: "Uhh... I would like to answer for Michelle if I may?" Proteus
: No, Jason. No, no. Diabetus
: "She reminds me a lot of Birdo because Birdo is a girl." slowbeef
: "I told David in recess that I made a YouTube video of Mario 2. I call it the Let's Play
: Jason, it's nothing like Mario 2, for the hundredth time! slowbeef:
"But it really is!" Diabetus:
"My response will not take longer than 10 minutes, because that is the YouTube limit." slowbeef:
"I do not have the ti—" [bursts into laughter as the comment catches him off-guard.] Proteus: AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
: Is it gonna cut him off? Wait a minute. *Video ends abruptly* Proteus
*slowbeef and Diabetus burst into hysterical laughter again.*
Diabetus: This is just a big prank on the entire Let's Play community.
slowbeef: [laughter] We have a community, it's great. And Cornshaq's undermining it!
- Da--, where they view a 14-second video and then somehow manage to talk about it for 2:30 afterward.
- Daft23 Wants To Be The Guy!, a riff on a trainwreck of an I Wanna Be the Guy LP, complete with game crashes, slowdown, and nasally singing.
I've also got a friend over right now. slowbeef:
Did you hear that? He has a friend over! This is how he entertains guests! Diabetus:
"So what do you wanna do today?" "Well, I'm doing a Let's Play
of I Wanna Be the Guy
. Perhaps you saw me in the cybercafe earlier? Yeah, I got a lot of high fives." slowbeef:
"I thought we were gonna play video games together." "No, you be quiet while I talk into a microphone and play by myself." Diabetus:
"No, I think you'd have a lot more fun if you watched me play this game." slowbeef:
Maybe it's Tyler again. He's just friends with all these people. Diabetus:
Tyler's like, "Maybe I can go to my other friend's house." "C'mon Tyler, watch me play this game and shut up."
Uh, I can touch wherever, actually. I just can't touch— Diabetus:
- Daily Vlogs! X has a Keet Cloudcuckoolander LPer who wears a fuzzy Mega Man (classic) hat while playing Mega Man X on scarecam. He also clouds the video with annotations to two Words With Friends and Super Mario RPG episodes, along with buttons for his DAILY VLOGS and MAIN channel. Needless to say, the RPers have a lot of fun with this.
- Then, near the end of the video, the LPer gets the boots upgrade capsule and remarks "this is exciting". slowbeef completely loses it:
How the fuck is this exciting? How the FUCK is this exciting?! Chip Cheezum:
Look, I can't even socialize with people normally anymore, the only way I can talk to people is through daily vlogs.
- After this, the LPer finds a Ride Armor:
Oh... my... robot. slowbeef:
Go fuck yourself! GO FUCK YOURSELF!
"Oh my robot"... Diabetus:
That doesn't even make sense.
Again, thanks so much for watching, click on my main channel, watch some other videos - hey, get involved... slowbeef: GET INVOLVED?!
Are you part of an environmental group? What are you talking
- Desert Storm by Vlad the Implaer consists of a monotone foreigner, whoose manner of speech is instantly noticed and mocked by the goons.
Proteus: This guy sounds like he's been shell-shocked for six years.
- DOOM, an action-packed spoken word album; what happens when an informative Lets Play goes very wrong.
slowbeef: He's going over the difficulty levels? Hey, believe me pal, you are not too young to die and I can make that happen.
- Fassaaddddd-backspace-backspace, featuring a Façade player who can't type to save his life, including taking ten tries to spell the word "stupid" right.
- Fictional Animal Breeding 101
Doesn't [the Chocobo subquest] take, like, 20 hours, though? I think it's kind of the point where, like, a lot of people grow up and realize RPGs like this can get really boring and grindy? Diabetus:
But when you think about it, he's really doing the YouTube
community a service, because, you know, there's no website or anything out there that you could, say, read to find a guide or, say, an FAQ
for a game
that would tell you how to do this. slowbeef:
Well, you know what else too, it's that there's no other games you could be playing, there's no other Final Fantasy
games that are more fun, there's nothing else to do in the game that's better... Diabetus:
Well, the year's 2009, what game are you gonna play except one that was released in 1997 and looks really horrible by today's standards...if only there was another way to explain this in a more...concise format... slowbeef:
videos are going to be everything, dude. Soon you won't even need school. Diabetus: 'And now American History by H.C. Bailey: Well, first the two chocobos bred aboard the Mayflower and founded America and breeded a GREAT country. It was called America C.' slowbeef:
Forget about American History, let's talk about worthwhile things, like video games from '96!
- "FIGHT CLUB!!!" he whispered, in all caps has a wannabe-gangster playing the Fight Club minigame in Saints Row 2, while whispering taunts.
IAMAFACILITATOR: Oh you *whispers* bitch...
Diabetus: He had to whisper that swear in case his parents hear. "How dare you, bitch!"
slowbeef: Bitch. They're asleep in the next room, I gotta do Saint's Row 2 Fight Club really quietly.
Diabetus: God damn it. It's a thug's life, yo.
slowbeef: I wrote that on my stomach in Sharpie. Don't tell mom or big sister.
Diabetus: See my Twitter for some hot disses on those fuckas.
slowbeef: I'm a facilitator of tweets until last year, when Mom caught me.
Diabetus: I know my name's in all caps, but I'm whispering it at an all caps level.
- F.E.A.R. (Fiercely Excessive Audio Rendering) 2: A 'death montage' where the clips are spliced up so small that nothing makes sense.
slowbeef: It's like, one second of something, and then it just flashes to something new.
- Five Minutes With Yamimash, a Five Nights at Freddy's video in which we meet Yamimash, a Let's Player so obnoxious that they theorize that even PewDiePie would find his act to be too much. Literally every word he says is accompanied by text of what he says and/or some kind of terrible Visual Pun.
- Also noteworthy is Slowbeef's Take That against the people questioning the logic of the game.
Slowbeef: I'm lookin' here in the comments and people are like, "Why doesn't [the security guard] just bring a gun the first day?" Like, do you not...fuckin'...understand how horror works?
- Goldeneye is a terrible game.
"So he complains about the blocky humans, but the five-sided toilet, that's fine?"
- Great Video Game Idea!, George Wood's most infamous video.
slowbeef: 'The gaming industry would be shocked!' They certainly would, but not for the right reasons!
- GOD HATES POOCHYENAS: The RPers are shocked when the LPer playing Pokémon Emerald, starts calling a Poochyena a "faggot". They start with the idea that he's a closet Poochyena lover. At the end, they notice that the LPer's icon is an angry Tails and note that he really isn't the most manliest of people for his homophobic rants.
- Partway through, slowbeef suggests taking up a "faggot counter" for every time he used that word. By the time it ends, it's up into the 20s.
- An observation about the LP partway through:
VoidBurger: Is this technically gay bashing? Because he's only fighting "faggot" Pokémon here.
- God Damn: Everything involving the "God Sandwich."
- The opening line to Happy Halloween!
slowbeef: No, it's re-quee-um. You know, like she likes to eat at Dairy Quee-um.
- Dave_o, who is far and away the calmest and most deadpan of the guests, actually gets angry during the video.
- Along with that at the very start you can hear what is clearly a bong hit coming from a mic, most likely Dave_o considering his calm attitude and slurred voice during the video.
- Happy Happy Video Crappy, the guys take on an incredibly annoying Let's Player playing Brutal Mario.
Player: Creepy creepy toilet sleepy!
slowbeef: Oof, OK, that was, that was the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard for me.
Diabetus: You're not a fan of 'creepy creepy toilet sleepy'?
slowbeef: No, its - is that like a catchphrase- it's - aah!
[the LPer successfully completes a level through the secret exit]
LPer: YES! HAHAHAHA! Just what I needed!
slowbeef: Oh Jesus. Where does he get his little like Gollum friends to help him on commentary from time to time?
[video suddenly cuts to a different level]
slowbeef: Now what the hell is this!?
LPer: [speaking with his voice noticeably echoed] Eighth time's the charm, right guys?
- Harrison Bored, an Indiana Jones LP, has the video comments and description.
Willie Scott: What is that?
Lao Che: A Retsupurae
Indiana Jones: Retsupurae for what?
Lao Che: The LP you just watched, Doctor Jones!
"He sticks out like a sore thumb. We'll retsupurae him."
"The hell you will. He's got a five-year head start on you, which is more than he needs. He's got friends on every channel from here to Blip, he has a dozen pieces of recording software, knows every local meme. He'll partner up, get rich. You'll never riff his videos again. With any luck, he's #1 Subscribed on YouTube
already." Cut to this video.
"Uh... did anyone here thumbs-up my vid?"
- This moment from the first five seconds.
LPer: On a very personal note...I am dead...
LPer: (singing) In the chiiiiiil of night-fuck you-arrives just in time...
* they both laugh*
Diabetus: Actual lyrics.
slowbeef: This is a remix, is the thing!
- How to Mess Up A Cookie Clicker Let's Play has slowbeef and Mr. DJB tackling someone's awkward attempt at LPing Cookie Clicker. It forces DJB to flip his monitor 90 degrees at the beginning and his attempt to flip it back causes him to knock it over, leaving slowbeef to realize he can now sue the Let's Player for damages!
- "I won't have my son playing no pussy DS games" is just about entirely funny, thanks in part to shmorky's presence alongside slowbeef and Diabetus. One thing that stands out is their Alternate Character Interpretation that the player is playing this game to prove to his dad that Warioware isn't feminine.
Impression of player's dad: Maybe this game ain't so girly after all.
- Jikkyu Oshaberi Parodius - The Only Thing Harder to Spell than Retsupurae features endless riffing on the LPer's affinity for penguins, food, and Japan.
slowbeef: It's hard to hold a controller when you're busy eating Twizzlers. Japanese Twizzlers!
Shmorky: They're called Twi— Twi— um, augh...
slowbeef: They're called Twizzle-sans!
- Near the end, the LPer utters a simple "Ooh, crud!" after already saying "Oh crap!" plenty of times, and Retsupurae pounces:
slowbeef and Shmorky: Oh crud!
Diabetus: Now I don't want to swear, but crud!
Shmorky: Yeah, crud! Fuckin' crud!
- Kane and Lynch's Spring Break starts out poking fun of a heavily-accented LPer playing Kane and Lynch: Dog Days... only to instead begin mocking the game because the in-game situation is just that ridiculous.
- Let's 'ave a carriage ride!
Everything's moving a lot faster. That's because the time machine is getting a lot stronger now... Diabetus:
What're you talking about?! What's happening? What universe are we in right now? slowbeef: Mary Poppins
... Electrical Beast:
So we're nearly at the top, guys! We're doing extremely well... Diabetus:
"You didn't believe me when I said this tower was really tall! I fooled you fuckers, didn't I?!" slowbeef:
"Ha-ha-ha, you wankers!" Electrical Beast:
And look how high down it is, it's an extremely high level... Diabetus:
"This supports my hypothesis that it's a really tall level, can you believe it! We're employing the scientific method and having edutainment!"
: Get An 'and! slowbeef
: "Get An 'and?" Diabetus
: I'm pretty sure there's an H in "hand," "hand.
- Let's be horrified features a camcorder LP by Rijno, who Slowbeef and Diabetus very quickly decide they hate:
Um... Okay. slowbeef:
Stop saying okay. Nothing's okay. There is absolutely nothing okay about what is going on right now.
PUNCH IN THE FACE! Diabetus:
Yes, that is what Donkey Kong just did. Congratulations, you passed kindergarden.
By the way, this guy's done 522 videos. slowbeef: [laughter] Diabetus:
You'd think somewhere in there, someone would maybe mention, you know...the downsides... slowbeef:
I wish to God I was, like, the head of Youtube, so I could just bring his count to zero and say 'No. None of these count. None of these are videos. You have fucked up on a website where a cat playing a piano - er, walking on a piano - is good.' Diabetus:
Well, I wish I was the head of Youtube who also had, like, deity powers, so I could just take away this guy's entire existence. slowbeef:
Yeah, I wish you could just knock HIM off the screen. Diabetus:
: Though, when you think about it, deleting his videos would basically be the same as eliminating this guy's existence, because...this guy's got nothing else.
- Any time they imitate Rijno is pretty good. Especially one portion toward the middle.
: Could you imagine if this guy was like trying to make a real film? It'd just be like running around with camcorders and knocking into Heath Ledger. Diabetus
: This guy should have directed The Dark Knight
: Just in the middle of it being like "OKAY CUT! NO DON'T CUT, KEEP GOING!"
and he just left that in. Diabetus
: Uh, Mr. Rino, did you want to have yourself speaking over the movie? "YES." slowbeef
: "CAPE, THERE'S BATMAN. OKAY." Diabetus
: "CLOWN MAKEUP...LAUGHTER, THAT WAS FUNNY."
: Sir, you sure you want to use a camcorder for this? "OKAY."
... He's filming with a big camera, "THIS CAMERA SURE IS BIG, I WONDER WHAT THEY USE IT FOR." Diabetus
: "HOW CAN I FILM THIS ON MY TV SCREEN INSTEAD OF REAL LIFE?" slowbeef
: "IF I CAN SOMEHOW LET'S PLAY A GAME THROUGH A 7-11 CONVENIENCE STORE. THAT WOULD BE THE BEST CAMERA, THAT WOULD BE THE BEST." Diabetus
: That would be heaven for him. slowbeef
: Exactly, he's picking up his microwaveable burrito and he's like "Yeah, you know what? That camera's where it's at." ... "Sir, that'll be $5.75." "$10 BILL! CHANGE! OKAY!"
- Let's Play Call of Duty For Six Minutes then... The aforementioned six minutes see the team riffing on a pair of British people playing Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare with a camcorder pointed at the TV at an angle. Then the source video ends with a fictional threat from Russia against the winning player conveyed through subtitles over stock footage of a speech. The riffers are stunned.
- Let's Play Final Fantasy (student gov't edition) has a bored-sounding Let's Player ramble about politics while playing Final Fantasy I, leading to some thought-provoking commentary from the boys.
Diabetus: First they came for my guns, but next will they come for my Firagas?
- Let's Freak Out! starts off with a memorable intro and gets funnier from there.
- There's also this uncomfortable close-up.
[Violinbow3 shoves his controller in front of his camcorder] Violinbow3:
It's a real N64! slowbeef:
What-yeah, I believe you. Diabetus:
I'm going to leave a comment right now saying 'Thank you for showing me your controller. I was wanting to see that, so I would know were playing an authentic N64'. slowbeef:
A second earlier, I was like 'Does he actually have a controller?' Oh, hey! Diabetus:
I mean, right now I'm wondering if he really is playing at an awkward camera angle on his TV. slowbeef:
Can't these people at least line it up
? Like, you can sit off
to the side and still do it, but it's like 'No, I gotta be front and center!
What is this kid doing... Violinbow3:
Oh my god, did his voice just crack? I think he hit puberty in that mushroom boost!
Yeah! slowbeef: That's
his commentary. 'Yeah!' Diabetus:
'You remember that sweet trick I pulled, two minutes ago?' slowbeef:
... [Violinbow3 rams into a train and wipes out] Violinbow3:
Holy shit! slowbeef:
Sorry, I had to remove my headset and pour bleach into my ears after that. slowbeef:
Oh my lord. You got any left? Diabetus:
No, I had to use two hundred bottles.
- The final race is where Violinbow3 really goes off the rails.
Violinbow3: [After wiping out for the second time.]
How'd Yoshi do- How the fuck
did Yoshi get that far? slowbeef:
Whoa! Calm down with the language there sonny. Diabetus:
That's a little vindictive, pal. Calm down. slowbeef:
It's great when he loses, "HOW THE FUCK DID YOSHI GET THERE?" Diabetus:
His guidance counselor's trembling in the corner. slowbeef: "Whee! Yay! PEACH YOU FUCKING CUNT, I'LL KILL YOU!" Diabetus: "THIS GAME CATERS WELL TO MY BIPOLAR DISORDER!" slowbeef: "I'LL TEACH YOU ALL! YOU DON'T FUCK WITH VIOLINBOW3!!" Diabetus: "ONCE TOAD WINS IN ALL THREE RACES- FOUR RACES, IT'LL SUMMON THE GREAT SATAN!" Violinbow3: [Hits a fake power block]
NOOO! God dang it! Diabetus:
After all that swearing, "Gosh carnsar it!"
- Let's Play Half Blind I mean Life
- Dave_o points out that the video quality was so bad, thehof needed to stand on a seat and look down at the black floor just so he could read the game's white text.
- Immediately following the guys' initial reactions to the excruciatingly-bright video, thehof goes into the console and turns on fullbright.
- Let's Play Headaches features an inept LP of Darkseed with incompatible audio, resulting in a phone ringing sounding like a fork scraping a concrete block.
- Let's Play *incomprehensible* (titled here as Lets Play: People on Youtube, Retsupray and Sound Puking) has SuperCrazyHealthBar yelling in an incomprehensible manner, which basically is where the comedy takes place here, but the part at 1:41 is where gold happened.
SuperCrazyHealthBar: I can't even see at this point. I don't even know what is happening.
Diabetus: You can't see? Let's Players can't Let's Play if they can't see! That's crazy!
slowbeef: [at SuperCrazyHealthBar] You're crazy.
Diabetus: That is just nuts! How delightfully wacky!
SuperCrazyHealthBar: Sorry, that was my water. It said "Eat Me".
Diabetus: You can't eat water, that's silly! Gosh!
slowbeef: Oh, ha ha. How do you do that?
SuperCrazyHealthBar: (Lets off horrid screech)
Diabetus: Oh, the velociraptors got turned loose in his house!
- Let's Play: No Hope sees Slowbeef and Diabetus manage to riff most of the video using nothing but rephrased quotes from the original Star Wars trilogy — a Crowning Moment of both Funny and Awesome.
- Let's Play Parts of Earthbound: The player spends half the video crawling through a dungeon, and then suddenly cuts to a map he'd been using and an open GameFAQs page. slowbeef, Psychedelic Eyeball, and cherrydoom spend about twenty seconds laughing as a result. Made funnier due to one of slowbeef's earlier comments being accidental Foreshadowing.
- Towards the end, when the LPer gets annoyed at an NPC for asking him a question and loads a savestate to avoid him. Slowbeef, Psychedelic Eyeball, and cherrydoom erupt into laughter again.
slowbeef: "HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION? LOAD STATE! THIS NEVER HAPPENED!"
cherrydoom: "You're dead to me! I never met you!"
- Near the end of the video:
[the video abruptly cuts off] slowbeef:
Oh, just right in the fuckin' middle— Psychedelic Eyeball:
IT FUCKING CUT OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!! slowbeef:
Do you think like... maybe these people, when they watch TV shows, they just turn the power off twenty minutes in? Like, "welp, show's over." Psychedelic Eyeball:
Yeah, "this is what's on the last season of Law & Order
. It ended." slowbeef:
"What did you think of the season finale?" "Abrupt!" Psychedelic Eyeball:
"I personally thought it was perfect ohboyohboygottagogottagofastforwardfastforwardloadstateloadstatesavestate
"I just watched the credits and rewound them about six times! Then I fast-forwarded through the rest of the movie so I could get to the end." Psychedelic Eyeball:
"And finally I showed everybody how the credits were done!"
- When the LPer fast-forwards through more dialogue:
- A little earlier in the video, as the LPer goes off on a tangent about a game he hates:
slowbeef: Is he just talking about how much he hates video games while he plays one for the internet? Am I out of my mind?
cherrydoom: "I really hate video games. Doing these two hundred and thirty videos... it's the worst thing."
- Let's Play Sonic the Hedgehog, But First Some Strategy has SuperBrosTV spend six minutes and thirty seconds showing an intro, discussing the map for the first zone, and trying to get his cat to stop attacking him while he was on scarecam.
SuperBrosTV: ...unless that little kitty attacks me. I see you, devil, I-yoooowww!
slowbeef: Yeah, see? The cat jumped at him.
Diabetus: The cat scratched him and a bunch of rings exploded out of him.
slowbeef: He's back out of the chair!
Diabetus: Wrangle your cat, dude.
slowbeef: Two minutes in? It's 4:45 in!
SuperBrosTV: Kitty, kitty, kitty...stay. Now, I think we're ready.
Diabetus: Let's Play Sonic the Hedgehog!
slowbeef: [laughter] Takes about five minutes of planning and cat setup.
SuperBrosTV: So, don't kill me...
slowbeef: [incredulous] Don't kill me?
- Let's Play Sonic the Hedgehog, But Second... continues where "...But First Some Strategy" leaves off, showing the player's complete ineptitude in his gameplay, leading to slowbeef to wonder if he's going to beat the first boss in one try.
- Let's Play Sonic thhhhhe Hhhhhhhhhhhhedddddddddd Hedgehog ggggggggggggg, containing possibly the worst framerates ever seen in one of these videos. The description says all that needs to be said.
"Somehow, an adult made this."
- Let's Play This!
All right you ready to uh, watch this one? Diabetus:
Yeah let's do it. slowbeef:
Okay, in three... two... one... go. DeceasedCrab:
I'm Deceased Crab! Let's Play... Diabetus: No, fuck this. slowbeef:
I can't. I'm sorry. No way. [Video abruptly ends]
- Let's Play... What the hell is this?
- Let's Play Wii Sports Resort IMMEDIATELY has slowbeef reaching his breaking point at around the three minute mark as he watches HiLeonardo play the Swordplay minigames poorly. It's both hilarious and disheartening.
slowbeef: Even his Mii looks stupid. I actually went there. This is on a level of retarded so bad I actually had to go into the goddamn Mii.
[HiLeonardo plays the Speed Slice minigame.]
slowbeef: Yeah, look see. Use your imagination. Imagine the wonderful things you- [HiLeonardo slices a loaf of bread wrong] ...no.
Diabetus: "Swing it up-left. That mean straight-down, right?"
- Let's Read About Survival Kids: feralMMO uploads a Let's Play about Survival Kids... using barely readable white text instead of a voice. Diabetus provides us with narration.
"A big wave suddenly OH EM GEE!!! suddenly struck the boat."
"This music fuels XIII's killing mood! Colon equals bracket bracket! DIIIIIIIE!"
- Let's Review Number Six Carry the 4 Jurassic Park Warpath Part 1, a video that was removed due to it featuring actual footage of the player (in this case, a kid), which has been preserved by another YouTube user:
- When our host first appears on screen:
slowbeef: WHAT the…?? Ohh…
Dave_o: Is that someone’s mom?
slowbeef: I wish he’d review a comb first!
- When we finally see the game four and half minutes into the review:
Dave_o: And all that fuckin’ build up and it’s…THIS?! Fuckin’ camcorder with scan lines???
slowbeef: I think he’s going to show us these fabled “Options” he spoke of!
Jeremy: And just for you guys, I’m going to set the difficulty-
slowbeef: Oh, what do you know…
Jeremy: -all the FUCKING way to Hard.
Dave_o: Did he just say “FUCK?!?!?
slowbeef: Uh oh! You’re in trouble now, young man!
Dave_o: Where-give me his parents number.
- As the character select screen is shown:
Dave_o: Why do some of the dinosaurs have cute names-did he say “raptor mother fucker”?
slowbeef: I think-*he cracks up*
Dave_o: Dude, this kid rules, I would totally buy him beer!
slowbeef: *laughs* I kinda wanna drink with him now!
Dave_o: Yeah, I would get him wasted! It’s like Yo, Jeremy’s fuckin’ pissed oofffff!”
slowbeef: Just splice it in as he stumbles into the camcorder. “RAPTOR MOTHER FUCKER!” CRASH!
- As seen earlier in the video, we see Jeremy in a basement with folded laundry next to him on a couch which leads to this:
Dave_o: The only way this video would be better is if you heard his mom in the background like “…JEREMY!!!”
slowbeef: “I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP WHEN I’M REVIEWING VIDEO GAMES, you bitch!!!”
Dave_o: “DO MORE LAUNDRY!!!”
- As the video comes to a close:
Jeremy: ...There should be a Chuck Norris-a-saurus.
Dave_o: A WHAT??!?!
Dave_o: Wait a minute, “Chuck Norris-a-saurus”? That’s almost funny! NOOOOOOO!
slowbeef: You did it. You did it, Jeremy.
Dave_o: You said the worst thing that you could say. Now you’re about to see me get really fuckin’ angry.
- Let's Use a Webcam on an Emulator of Metroid Zero Mission Part 2
- Local Paperboy's Neighborhood Calls it Quits!:
Weren't they competing with each other a minute ago? Diabetus:
Oh, the competition never lasts long with these two. slowbeef:
That's true, yeah. Everything's a co-op game. Diabetus:
You say competition, I say friendship
They could be playing Russian Roulette and it's like, "Well, be careful it's not the chamber, Lime!"
You almost got to "Fri-day, Fri-day
Uh, that's not what you're supposed to sing, Lime. slowbeef:
I'm sorry I asked for that. BillyMC:
Oh my God, not Rebecca Black
- No offense to her, I'm sure she's- [slowbeef and Diabetus crack up] slowbeef:
"Hold on, Billy, you almost went too far!" Diabetus:
"Billy, once you hit that point, there's no returning, man!" TheLimePopsicle:
Have you played the second Paperboy very much? BillyMC:
Not much, but it's difficult, though. slowbeef:
"Not like Rebecca Black difficult-" Diabetus:
"No, Billy, no!
- A Look At Ancient LP Technology has the LPer's vague accent and a hilariously convoluted way to sync the audio and video, and Retsupurae's commentary about the start of RP technology when the universe was just beginning.
- Love is a Battlefield, a guy playing Call of Duty shamelessly hits on a girl he meets on Xbox Live. After beginning the video with an incredibly unconvincing disclaimer that he was only joking.
FailingAtCOD4: You must get, like, verbally raped by 40-year-old men daily.
ChipCheezum: Wait, what did he... what did he just say? He just asked her if she gets verbally raped every day, what? Did I hear that wrong?
slowbeef: No you didn't. Verbally raped.
ChipCheezum: Great, that's a great icebreaker.
slowbeef: It totally is.
ChipCheezum: You don't even break the ice, you just vaporize it, bam! Gone! There's nothing to stand on!
FailingAtCOD4: ...that's why I said I don't wanna be a third wheeler in this lot that's why I said I would back out.
ChipCheezum: Uh, step three of flirting with women, get angry and confrontational.
slowbeef: And shoot her and her male suitor.
- LP BS Zelda
Thanks for the wooden sword, buddy. You want me to save Hyrule... slowbeef:
Oh, quit sassing the old man. LPer:
...with a sword made of wood. Well... Diabetus:
Are we gonna get a wood joke out of this? LPer:
...I guess... slowbeef:
I guess not. LPer:
...lots of people get wood for heroes... slowbeef:
What? Was that
the wood joke? Diabetus:
I guess, he spent that ten seconds of silence thinking up that gold one right there. LPer:
...or heroines... slowbeef:
Wait a minute, it took him ten seconds to think up a follow up to that joke? Diabetus:
There's complete silence between 1:50 and two minutes.
... [The LPer starts singing the So Bad, It's Good rap song from the original Zelda commercial] slowbeef:
That was painful
. Did that just happen or did I just dream that? Diabetus:
Yo yo Link don't even give a fuck! Too bad this LP just fuckin sucks! slowbeef:
I'm gonna make another joke about wood! Now to go watch another video that's good!]]
- "But I don't want......to go to school."
- LP Mario 64...very slowly. Single digit framerates for everyone!
"Llllet'sssss plaaaaay Maaaarioooo..."
"What we're watching is a tool-assisted slowrun."
- And upon the revelation that it was in fact faster than the LPer's PREVIOUS video...
What was it before, a Powerpoint presentation? slowbeef:
A series of Polaroids he held up to a webcam?
This is the Let's Play
equivalent of running up a down escalator! [Beat] Diabetus:
Running up a down escalator, then switching it to an up escalator and then running back down it. Dave_o:
According to the comments, he's doing some kind of hack run that lets you beat the game faster, but that's just gonna be the game in the normal amount of time. slowbeef: Faster than what? History?!
- Throughout the film, you can hear what sounds like the LPer's computer roaring, as if it's about to overheat running the emulator:
Diabetus: Just listen to his computer. It's in pain.
Diabetus: Social Services is gonna take away this computer.
slowbeef: Social Services is gonna take away this kid! What kind of parenting could lead to a video like this?!
- Slowbeef's complete disbelief that somebody actually made this. Also, the video was conspicuously cropped to show that the LPer is using a Mac, leading them to deduce that:
Diabetus: Maybe this is the PC's new advertising campaign.
slowbeef: Yeah, this is the new Vista commercial, actually.
- After Diabeetus speculates what things would be like if the N64 actually ran at the speed of the video, the guys start coming up with hilarious slogans to "advertise" it.
Diabeetus: All right, we've got the best revolutionary graphics ever, and two megabytes of RAM.
Slowbeef: These graphics are so good, you are going to see every goddamn frame of them.
Dave-O: Experience blazing single-digit FPS.
Slowbeef: We've got so many polygons we literally can't handle them.
- When the LPer reaches the boss of the level, he starts doing horrible voice acting for the dialogue, and then almost dies on the boss:
slowbeef: Thanks. I'm glad you went with Cajun Retarded.
Dave_o: That's what I've always imagined this boss to sound like.
Diabetus: It sounds like he's covering his mouth with a rag and I just want to pour chloroform on it.
slowbeef: I wanna pour whatever they make a Molotov Cocktail with over it.
Diabetus: His Mac computer?
Dave_o: Given the temperature, it would immediately burst into flames.
- As the player tries to fight the Whomp King...
Dave_o: Showing this video with any pride is like saying, "Look, I can't cook an egg...really slowly."
Diabetus: Listen to the boss music! It sounds like the most impotent marching band ever created!
- And when the Whomp King actually hits him...
He got hit?! That's like being in The Matrix
bullet time and still
- LP Noire has Diabetus doing a film noir cop impression, until near the end when Jamboree music starts playing:
Diabetus: Oh shit...
Diabetus: [southern accent] Uh, the Hootenanny's not 'till next week! NEXT WEEK! *beat* YALL!
For now, I'm sleeping with one eye open, hoping Jake's dad, TonyHighSubsQuadrillion, the city mayor, didn't have it out for us, if he catches wind that we talked over his son's Lets Play, he'd put us Dead to Rights
Diabetus: And just like searching My Little Pony on Deviantart, I had to prepare for the worst. (Why did I do that anyway?)
- The LP Wars Begin: the first encounter with Quadraxis14, and easily the worst thing he's ever done.
Quadraxis14: [bad Arnold impression] Get to the choppa!
slowbeef: SHUT THE FUCK UP! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Quadraxis14: It's all fun and games... until... an alien... race... comes and tries to destroy the whole world.
Diabetus: It's all fun and games... until... I become more... awkward.
slowbeef: It's all fun and games until I tell the longest punch line in the whole fuckin' world!
- MARIO COMBAT has slowbeef and @VoidBurger noticing the LPer being unable to get across lava, leading them to hope that the final boss is lava and he has some sort of thing about fire.
- The entire game has the LPer's cursor still on the screen.
@VoidBurger: When's Mario going to attack that cursor on the screen?
slowbeef: [laughs] I thought that was mine for a second there!
- Mario Dies At The End has an LPer so bad at Super Mario Bros. 3 he gets a Game Over on Stage 3 of World 1. Then, it abruptly ends with loud death metal music.
slowbeef: [struggling to breathe] Oh my god, that was awesome! What a fucking appropriate ending! Aw, shit...
Diabetus: It's like watching your grandmother knit, and then 'HABLAHRAHBAHBLAH!'
slowbeef: [still laughing] BlackMetalGhost, you're the fuckin' best. I think I'm actually gonna subscribe to you.
- Mario Kart FamCam is a extremely well-edited video utterly ruined by the fact that the LPers (two brothers and one sister) are extremely obnoxious.
Two Brothers and a sister. The 15-year old- [one of the LPers starts yelling loudly] slowbeef:
- he's got his shirt off
and he's screaming and twirling the Nunchuck. ChipCheezum:
, because, you know, that's just how he does Mario Kart Wii
, on Luigi Circuit. [After this, the LPers start singing "Ching chong" over and over.]
slowbeef: I'm thinking this really says to everyone, like, "Hey, we're all inbred, but we're good with video editing."
- Mario, Party of One?
Joshey164: Wow, I'm actually not failing.
[slowbeef and Diabetus laugh]
slowbeef: My God, you need fucking Mario therapy.
[Joshey164 then fails the minigame]
Diabetus: This calls for victory music!
slowbeef: [as Joshey164] No I failed, which was what I was expecting.
Diabetus: He didn't entirely suck, it's a victory for good!
- The Marios: It seems like a pretty basic riff until the 6:52 mark...
[After their commentary is derailed, Slowbeef is the only one to continue ripping on the video] Proteus:
You realize this is the second random video you've pulled out that's mentioned Retsupurae, right? slowbeef:
Yes, I... Proteus:
Like, in a row. Like— seriously, you're— you can't really— you're becoming a YouTube
staple— slowbeef: [cuts him off]
I'm trying to talk and make fun of the video, will ya stop it?! Proteus:
No, fuck you
! Fuck you, you fuckin' YouTube
superstar, piece of shit! Diabetus: [laughing]
You take that back! slowbeef:
I got five thousand subscribers now, I could crush
you! Who the hell are you?! Diabetus:
LuwiigiiMaster here said he liked our videos, so we can use his connections against you... Proteus: [laughing]
Oh, god. Diabetus:
Wake up the next morning, you won't be able to use your legs
I'm making a phone call— ProtonJon
, kick this guy's ass! Proteus:
Oh, you gonna get DeceasedCrab
on me? slowbeef:
Damn you, bitch... I'm gonna get calls at three in the morning— "Hello, this is—" "HUZZAH
!!" "Nooo, stop calling me—" "HUZZAH!!!" slowbeef:
That is how he talks on the phone. Proteus:
It's all he says, all he can
Makes it really hard when he orders a pizza. Proteus:
"What would you like, sir—" "HUZZAHHHH!!" Diabetus:
"That is not
one of our flavors." "Dagnabbit
- Message from Dr. Light: [unintelligible garbled mess]: Pretty much the whole video.
- slowbeef and Diabetus' jokes about the constant humming throughout the video.
- They discuss his name briefly:
slowbeef: Oh, his name's Gamer Mike, even though his username is gamermik. Are you disparaging the Irish, Mike?
- Them referencing the window reflecting off of the TV.
Diabetus: As you can see, Aqua Man is looking in on Mega Man through the window up there. Watching his progress.
- Mega Monga X: The video starts out with clips of other video games while "Dr. Wily's Castle 1" theme from Mega Man 2 plays, which leaves Slowbeef speechless.
Diabetus: Maybe if we show enough games, we'll get the soundtrack right.
- Slowbeef and Diabetus also spend the video in a stereotypical fanboy voice, mocking the LPer and his constant talk about how he got his information from manga... before temporarily devolving into Hypocritical Humor when they point out that he shouldn't be playing Flame Mammoth's stage second.
- When the LPer reaches Flame Mammoth, he spends the first life constantly clinging to the wall ("Are the next five minutes of this LP of him just hiding in the corner?"), the second has his failing to even attempt to dodge. Then the LPer proceeds to use Save Scumming to try to beat Flame Mammoth... which he doesn't need.
- The payoff to having to suffer through the ineptitude of the Let's Player: obtaining a measly Heart Upgrade.
THEBrandonBrownson: [As he gets the upgrade] Fuck. Yes. slowbeef: [Stammering]
Did that two meters of heart really deserve a "Fuck Yes"? Diabetus:
Fuck yes. Psychedelic Eyeball:
I just got milk from the store. Fuck yes.
- Move Over, Unregistered Hypercam 2! is an uneventful Pokémon Diamond and Pearl LP recorded using EZVid, complete with minimalist repetitive "western" music replacing the game's sound. By the end, the two are discussing using it as their standard background music for Retsupuraes. Then the death metal stinger from Mario Dies At The End returns.
- Most RP videos can hope to get a comment from the original Let's Player. This one got a comment from the Let's Player and the EZVid corporate channel.
ezvidinc: If you are baked, EZVid will automatically end your video at 4:20 minutes. As a safety precaution.
- From Navgtr Responds to the Fans:
...Final Fantasy VII
is no different from the series' last installments in terms of execution. slowbeef:
Right, uh... Diabetus:
Except for just about everything. slowbeef:
The Materia, the active time battles, uh... Diabetus:
It's on a PlayStation... [the snowboarding minigame is shown] slowbeef:
Uh, the fucking snowboarding minigame that you're showing?
- Note: The Spread Gun Should Not Spread Your Video to Half an Hour has another hilariously incompetent LPer; this one takes half an hour to get through the first level of Contra.
Alright, so this is his favorite game of all time, but I just wanna give you the title and length, okay? Diabetus:
Thirty minutes, thirty-two seconds. Title: Contra
NES... The First Level
. Diabetus: ...How long would you say the first level normally takes? slowbeef: Three
- Part way through, the LPer starts doing movie references. The two take it and run with it, especially when they do Bane.
- No Tyler, That's Retsupurae. (Monster in my Pocket by ActionBastard and Tyler), featuring poor Tyler, ActionBastardAway's guest who never gets a word in edgewise.
- Tyler also endures an incredible amount of verbal abuse from the fittingly named ActionBastardAway, as shown below:
[Tyler is ducking down in the leftmost corner, attacking, while ActionBastardAway tries to go right] ActionBastardAway
: Can you please go, Tyler? [slowbeef and Proteus laugh] Proteus:
Goddamn you, Tyler! slowbeef:
You're such a dick! [Tyler dies from an enemy coming from the left] ActionBastardAway
: You could have just turned around and hit him. Proteus:
Yeah Tyler, you retard. ActionBastardAway
: It's not my fault you're too stupid to hit the dude. [slowbeef and Proteus laugh again] ActionBastardAway
: You shouldn't have let me die because you're being a little petty douchebag. [slowbeef and Proteus lose it] slowbeef: Holy f.
... [ActionBastardAway exploits a strategy to kill a miniboss by attacking him as soon as he appears] Tyler: (very faintly)
Oh, that's cheat[ing]. Proteus:
Is he even going to explain who this guy is
, or what his attack patterns are, or what he's doing, or... anything? ActionBastardAway
: No, Tyler, that's skill. [slowbeef and Proteus lose it yet again] Proteus:
Yeah, Tyler. What the fuck?
- Then there's the very beginning of the video:
ActionBastardAway: Hey everybody, we're gonna make a save state...
Proteus: [enthusiastically] Hey everybody, we're gonna make a save state!
slowbeef: Yay!... Let's Play Emulators!
- Pinball Wizards' Growing Pains: It's 37 minutes of Billy MC and TheLimePopsicle playing Pinball for the NES. The fact that, after almost 40 minutes, slowbeef and Diabetus pretty much run out of things to say, and BillyMC and TheLimePopsicle don't is absolutely hilarious. Especially after the final time they play it, and they keep talking about Growing Pains and other 80's sitcoms for about three minutes after the game's over.
TheLimePopsicle here is getting hot, though. [slowbeef and Diabetus lose it] Diabetus:
Things are heating up! slowbeef
[in hysteria]: He's getting hot!!! BillyMC:
It's only gonna get hotter! Diabetus:
Pinball operates by NBA Jam
I love sitcoms like Growing Pains
and The Wonder Years
Why are you talking about 80's sitcoms? slowbeef
[still cracking up]: Oh my god, I'm gonna throw up!
I never watched it
near the end. BillyMC:
Yeah, and I DON'T BLAME YOU! Diabetus:
Woah! Pop culture passion! slowbeef:
"I don't blame you, motherfucker!" Diabetus:
"You are fucking on
, bro!" slowbeef:
But yeah, I can't believe she has feelings for Steve— BillyMC:
Yeah, THAT'S NOT WHAT WE WANNA SEE! WE DON'T WANNA— Diabetus:
Somebody touched on a nerve. TheLimePopsicle:
That would be like Malorie getting feelings for Skippy in Family Ties
. slowbeef: What!? [slowbeef and Diabetus crack up] Diabetus:
Alright, fuck our commentary
. Let's just listen to them.
- Pokemon LP Evolved Into... ...Oh wow. Most of it has them interpreting the player as having multiple personalities, culminating in a callback to Darkseed 2.
- The duo watch a review of Policenauts, with a introduction of "Game Master" wearing a leather jacket and gloves for the review.
- Problem: Skyrim is not sexy enough. Solution: Kill yourse- I mean, make a mod. After the "Better Females" mod, it cuts to seemingly random close-up of a lady with absolutely colossal breasts. Their reaction is priceless.
- Slowbeef saying that the "Better Females" mod would probably burn a feminist alive just by seeing it and then apologizing for the video's content.
Diabetus: Even the lady looks like she's ashamed of this.
- One demonstration showed what looked to be a heavily-clothed flat-chested woman with Wolverine Claws stabbing a huge-breasted, nearly naked woman in the neck.
slowbeef: This is the most horrible snuff film I've ever seen.
- Protip from Retsupurae: Do Not Take Phone Calls During Let's Play Mega Man X: This is BurningHunter's LP of Mega Man X. After several minutes of enduring his laughable attempts at defeating Bospider, Slowbeef and Diabetus go from stunned disbelief to utter rage when the LPer pauses the game to take a phone call and doesn't edit the resulting footage.
slowbeef: [livid] How stupid do you have to be not to edit this? Who wants to hear your phone call? You can't even hear the other side of the call!
- A Public Service Announcement for Let's Players (aka "Please stop Let's Playing I Wanna Be the Guy.")
"You could see the lines of his skull. Tell you what, though
— Please stop Let's Playing I Wanna Be The Guy
"Shadow's list got shorter and shorter. After two years— please stop Let's Playing I Wanna Be The Guy
"Second, he was going to towel himself— Please stop Let's Playing I Wanna Be The Guy
"Please stop Let's Playing I Wanna Be Th
—" [game crashes]
"Thank you, God
. It stopped you
. Look at that! Look at that, you dumb shit! The game doesn't even want you doing this!" [ZoopSoul says with resignation, "Well, that ends that."]
- Rant Hero: Just the fact that this guy is pissed the hell off over the fact that you can't play Guitar Hero on the Wii with the controller (when it's called GUITAR Hero for a reason) is funny on its own, but slowbeef and Diabetus make it even better.
- Retsupurae Battletoads with Voice and Subtitles For No Good Reason!. Goldskarr's incomprehensible accent and slurred speech, the loud noises in the background, his bizarre commentary (with subtitles that don't have anything to do with anything) that abruptly switches to post-commentary, and his lack of skill make this one a motherlode of comedy. It's bad enough to make Diabetus laugh out loud, and slowbeef spends several minutes in hysterics.
Actually, I remember playing this on the Super 'Tendo... Diabetus:
...The Super Tendo
What the hell accent is that? Diabetus:
Uh, a drunk British person trying to sound American? slowbeef:
Sounds to me like an American who burned his tongue on soup trying to sound British. Diabetus:
Maybe it's a combination of both. Goldskarr:
So I just saw a trailer for Duke Nukem Forever
Dook Nookum Fowevah. slowbeef:
What does that have to- Goldskarr:
Still no gameplay footage as of yet. Subtitle:
considering it's been almost 10 years...and still no gameplay footage? slowbeef:
What th— Is he making fun of Duke Nukem Forever
in subtitle and voice format in a Battletoads LP?
...I hope? Diabetus:
I think a poltergeist possessed his Youtube video or something.
... [A dog is heard barking in the background.] slowbeef:
Is his dog pissed at him now? Goldskarr:
BAD DOG, SHUT UP! Diabetus:
Maybe the dog wrote the subtitles.
... Goldskarr: I apologize for all the drug addicts. slowbeef:
I apologize for all the drug addicts
Is he raising social awareness on complicated issues, or what?
I don't even think we're halfway done yet. slowbeef:
I think— Is he almost done? Diabetus:
You're going through- [The footage suddenly pauses] slowbeef:
Wai— What is he doing? Goldskarr:
What the hell is going on? Diabetus:
You paused the game. Goldskarr:
I think I must have paused here. Diabetus:
You paused the game! slowbeef: [laughing]
"I think I paused it!" [A phone rings in the background; Diabetus and slowbeef crack up] Diabetus:
Now his dog's calling him?!
- Retsupurae "Let's Play Chaz Edition" (Wizardry V) (OOPS!): The guys take the game's "Oops!" error message and run with it.
Cast "Make a good YouTube
video." OOPS! Diabetus:
I decide to Let's Play Wizardry V. OOPS! slowbeef:
Succeed at life. OOPS!
- Retsupurae Let's Play Twitch Plays Pokemon, an amazing video of a person who took footage of Twitch Plays Pokémon, slapped on the PokeRap and called it a Let's Play, leaving Diabetus and slowbeef utterly confused.
- Retsupurae Mega Man X (Diabetus Solo RP): Another LPer tackles the first stage of Sigma's base in Mega Man X, this time nasally doing voice acting during the cutscenes while heavily breathing through his microphone.
- Two golden moments happen during the fight with Vile
Daft23: [Singing as Zero busts out and attacks Vile]
Super Mega Death Beam of Ultimateness! Kung Fu Action Jesus! Diabetus:
...you're fucking joking, right? Daft23
: Sha-Bang! Diabetus
: Right? [...]
Diabetus: Well, there is a bright side to this: looking at his actual video, he's had 51 views since he first posted it on February 6th. So, this proves he has no friends in real life or the Internet.
Daft23: [through perfect timing] I actually don't...
Diabetus: Congratulations, buddy.
- Retsupurae Link to the Past... Some Frames Dropped; You Can Barely Notice It: The LPer spends a little more than one minute explaining his computer setup and technical difficulties without even playing. And when he does start to play, the framerate barely goes above two frames per second.
slowbeef: Wait, wait, wait, he said it desynched this? It desynched this? This effin' slideshow? This is the framerate you got? On Link To the Past? What the fuck, kid, you running this on a vacuum tube computer?
Am I even recording? [slowbeef and Diabetus crack up] slowbeef:
No, you're not recording! LPer:
It would suck if I wasn't. [slowbeef and Diabetus burst into laughter again] Diabetus:
Actually, it would be like a gift from heaven! slowbeef:
Yeah, it would indirectly not suck! LPer:
Now to whack the crap out of that dude
. I can't remember if I beat him or not. [slowbeef and Diabetus erupt into hysterics] slowbeef:
You can't remember?! [The LPer pauses the game again] slowbeef:
Stop pausing! You were-what the fuck! LPer:
Oh yeah, this is where I got interrupted...by my sister. [slowbeef and Diabetus howl with laughter] Diabetus:
His sister came in, "Let me show you how to do this". slowbeef:
This is where my sister started playing for me... And told me to give back her underwear which I was wearing. [Diabetus cracks up again]
... [Later slowbeef grows tired of the LPer narrating everything he's doing or is about to do.] slowbeef:
It's like Link's very slow stupid biography! [Diabetus lets out a very goofy chuckle] Diabetus:
What's he doing? slowbeef:
Tryin' to have sex with Zelda. [The LPer remarks that he's trying to play a game of grab-ass with Zelda.] slowbeef:
OH MY GOD, he was! [The LPer runs around again, trying to mess around with Zelda.] Diabetus:
Oh, what, it took so long to make the 16-bit sex look convincing? slowbeef:
I can't watch this. [The two continue to sputter out Angrish for a few seconds.] slowbeef:
Did he think this was really funny? [LPer laughs] slowbeef:
I guess so!
[Then the videos ends abruptly.]
Diabetus: Maybe he was like—
slowbeef: (unconformed interrupting Diabetus) HE JUST CUT OFF!! DID YOU HEAR THAT, HE JUST CUT OFF! It was "and at that point" and that was it!
[Diabetus can be heard giggling.]
- Retsupurae Sonic the camcorder hog offers some uproarious laughing reactions from the trio of slowbeef, Diabetus, and Proteus — provided you avoid motion sickness from the shoddy camcorder work or abject horror at the camcorder operator's close-up near the end.
pikminpanic: I'M A NEWS REPORTER!!
- Retsupurae Strider - Strider is not a Wrestler, But We'll Talk Wrestling, a riff of a low quality NES Strider LP (complete with Unregistered Hypercam 2) by someone who also happens to upload wrestling clips.
- The way they mock how the LPer says "China" at the beginning, followed by this exchange:
slowbeef: We're going back to China, and the title of the video is "Turning... Chinese?" You're not, you're going to China. What... horrible joke is that?
Diabetus: He just has this weird fetish.
slowbeef: (to the LPer) ...jackass.
LJ877574: (to an enemy in-game) ...asshole.
Diabetus: Is he talking back?
slowbeef: I guess so.
Dave_o: Let's kick his ass!
Diabetus: Let's do it... I don't know, this guy knows wrestling.
- Dave_o's reaction to one of the boss fights.
Dave_o: Wait, you have that cool ass background, and your boss fight is a box?!
- Retsusturimu, the first Retsupurae livestream, recovered by a fan. Includes such highlights as:
slowbeef: This TV is somehow plugged into a fish.
- Heavy Rain, which gets derailed into the duo riffing on the game rather than the LPer.
- BillyMC's Super Mario Bros. 3 LP with Kenbombguy1, where the audio synch becomes worse as the video progresses. Also:
BillyMC: These Boos are relentless, that's for sure.
- Serious Dad is a goldmine of comedy.
- First off, fifteen seconds in a child passes by the camera (while his dad LPs a Serious Sam game) and continues to cameo throughout the video, and at one point the LPer shows him how to play the (very bloody and inappropriate) game. slowbeef and ChipCheezum run with this for most of the video.
[the child runs past the camcorder for the third time]
ChipCheezum: Is this kid just, like, walking in circles around his dad's chair?
slowbeef: [chuckling] I think so.
[the child runs by in the same direction again]
slowbeef: Appare -
ChipCheezum: He is!
[slowbeef loses it]
ChipCheezum: He's havin' a blast!
- The other part comes from the LPer showing the viewers his capture card, which baffles the RPers.
ChipCheezum: You know, capture cards aren't just magical lenses you put over camcorders.
- RPG Maker: +7 TO TERROR... no sorry, -7, my bad riffs an awful PewDiePie wannabe playing Ao Oni.
Oh man, I can't believe he's being chased by...the fuck is
that, a Sesame Street
Some kind of Easter Island abomination? slowbeef:
Let's just paste one of the developers heads on top of this horrible sprite. Also, I'm using 'developers' loosely. Yeah, just keep circling, this is a great strategy. Diabetus:
So, this is a demo for that Resident Evil
reboot they've been talking about. slowbeef: Resident Evil 7: We Gave Up
. Oh man, listen to that music, it's so...appropriate? Diabetus: Resident Evil 7: Is This Scary? We've Forgotten What It Means.
- Skyrim's Enigma Mod. The LPer cranks up YouTube's stabilization option all the way, resulting in a very shaky video. Leading to multiple references to The Office.
"Shut up! SNES9X
. There's, SNES9X, there are no viewers, no-one watched, SNES9X, no-one watched this video to the, SNES9X, to the end except me. It is seriously a horrible video, Quadraxis14. SNES9X. There is no skill in SNES9X, in replaying the same thing over an-SNES9X, and reloading savestates ov-SNES9X, over and over again. A monkey could do, SNES9X, a monkey could do this. A kid could do this. It doesn't matter. I don't know why you did this. I, SNES9X, I don't know what the point of this video is. SNES9X. I don't know why you're doing it, SNES9X, er, SNES9X. It will not make you, SNES9X, popular at school. It will not get you, SNES9X, girls or anything. It's a waste of time, SNES9X."
- As well as the fact that Slowbeef, while reading, gets more and more aggravated over Quadraxis14's save states and irritating commentary, culminating in relief when the Let's Play finally cuts off.
- And in the original What emulator was this again?, there's the reaction to two of the series' thumbnail images being the SNES9X screen. "Well, the law of averages, it had to happen in one of them."
- An edited version, cutting out the Verbal Tic, received this comment:
I imagine an honor student reading this in front of the school for his graduation speech while one drunk jackass in the audience keeps moaning and interrupting like an asshole, making him stutter a couple times. Then he snaps and rants at him, then goes right back to the speech. This is very well done! Also, SNES9X
- So there's that: the final video of Retsublitz which shows a ROM hack of Fire Emblem made by the same guy from "Pokemon LP Evolved Into... ...Oh wow". Here he put himself into the game. The crux of this happens at 5:45, when his character Raymond, to support the character Linoan, confesses his feelings for her and she accepts. Slowbeef admitted that his wife said she could not watch it anymore after that part.
- At the end of the video, slowbeef and Diabetus give out their thanks, but Diabetus says that he doesn't know of anyone who to thank — then it quickly cuts out with an addition from him remembering those he wanted to thank!
- The side-hug at the end of the video is what makes it really hilarious.
- Super Bummerman 2, where slowbeef and Diabetus meet Musclebomber2021:
You see those red things right down there that look like time bombs? slowbeef:
What are they? Musclebomber2021:
Well yeah, those are time bombs
Thank you. slowbeef:
How descriptive. Diabetus:
"You see this game that has Super Bomberman 2 written on the cover? Well it's Super Bomberman 2!"
Oh yes, here are my favorite sets of enemies: The Triple Fudge Packers. slowbeef:
The what? Musclebomber2021:
Beware! These guys will blow themselves up like bombs and kill you before you can kill them. Diabetus: [with exaggerated perplexion]
Just like a fudge packer. slowbeef:
A TRIPLE fudge packer. Musclebomber2021:
Watch out for the triple fudge packers. Diabetus:
It sounds like a Baskin Robbins flavor.
[No enemies are onscreen] Now that I've made my way to the triple fudge packers... Diabetus:
Is he trying to turn that into a Catch Phrase
...and avoid the triple fudge packers... slowbeef:
WHAT TRIPLE FUDGE PACKERS!? Is he talking about the fucking Packers, like the football team? What the hell is going on? Diabetus:
"The Green Bay Triple Fudge Packers!"
- Super Mario Mild Irritation:
- Four minutes into the video, Dave_o nonchalantly asks: "Is this guy surprised that he's frustrated? I mean...It's called 'Frustration'."
- The LP'er audibly cracks open a can of "Dew" leading to this conversation:
slowbeef: He's opening a can of Mountain Dew?
Dave_o: Yeah, man.
Diabetus: Shit's really gettin' real now.
Dave_o: "Man, I've had a rough day at work, let me open some Dew." *K-CHHHH*
slowbeef: *laughing* I think it's product placement! I think Mountain Dew paid him for this.
Dave_o: That's why it has so many ratings that are good, it's viral marketing!
Diabetus: "All this frustation gave me an empty stomach. Good thing I have my CHEETOS."
slowbeef: "Oh man, good thing my sister uses Kotex tampons!"
Diabetus: "Otherwise this game would be really frustrating!"
Dave_o: "She'd be a real bitch! I'd be so frustrated."
- Diabetus feigning suspicion at the LP'ers exaggerated reaction to the game which leads to the trio wondering how he would react to common occurrences:
Dave_o: It takes him, like, four hours to tie his shoes.
Diabetus: IT's MAY-HAM!!!!
Dave_o: And he makes similar noises while he's tying his shoes, he's like: "NOOOOOO!"
slowbeef: *laughs* "THIS IS HORSE SHIT!!!"
Diabetus: He mis-ties one knot: "UUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!"
slowbeef: "I can't believe it, what is this?!"
Diabetus: "WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-HH!!!"
- Dave_o and slowbeef question why anybody would willingly make a video like this which leads to Dave_o proposing the following situation:
Dave_o: [I]f he's, like, gettin' mugged, um, dudes are like: "Man, give me all your money!", and he's like: "Do you know who you're talking to?", and they're like: "What?", and he's like: "I beat Super Mario Frustration", and they just flee.
- As the LP'er reloads state over and over again near the end:
Dave_o: I really love this three seconds of music a lot.
Diabetus: We should try, like, savestating our commentary-we should try, like, savestating our commentary.
slowbeef: We should try savestating our commentary?
Diabetus: -ting our commentary-ting our commentary-ting our commentary.
- That's so Kaizo!: slowbeef and Diabetus have a blast tearing apart Kaizo Mario 64 by OmegaEdge29, a "romhacker" who is more content to add a bunch of Chain Chomps and flamethrowers to the game rather than change any of the level design.
"Alright, I see a Chain Chomp. Control+C. Control+V here, Control+V here..." slowbeef:
"Oh wait, wait, wait, Control+Z. That one was a little too close to the tree. Alright, Control+V."
Is Kaizo now just an internet adjective for anything that's mildly irritating? Diabetus:
I had a bad Kaizo flight delay a couple weeks ago. It was ridiculous! Would you stop hacking my pilot please? slowbeef:
I wish someone would stop hacking this doctor's office waiting room, it's too Kaizo! Diabetus:
Is my tumor benign, or is it Kaizo, doctor?
"Hey Mario! Is it true that you, blah blah blah..." Diabetus:
"Hey Mario, is it true that you're in a shitty romhack?" slowbeef:
"Hey Mario, is it true that you only changed, like, 10% of the text tops?" Diabetus:
"Hey Mario, where did all these Chain Chomps come from?" [OmegaEdge29 takes a teleport shortcut] slowbeef:
"Hey Mario, are you actually going to CHEAT a little in your own terribly difficult romhack?" Are you joking!?
Did he not change anything here, or am I wrong? Diabetus:
Uhhh, Chain Chomp, that's different, uh, there's that electric thing, the fire
, uh... slowbeef:
How Kaizo of him. Diabetus: That's so Kaizo. [cracking up]
I think that red coin is in a slightly different place. He might have moved it a few inches up for no reason. slowbeef:
"Four pixels to the left makes this the ultimate in Kaizoness!" Diabetus:
He laughs maniacally
to himself when he moves it. [OmegaEdge29 accidentally enters a cannon] Diabetus:
Oh, if you actually use the cannon in the race you lose, so he fucked up. slowbeef:
Oh yeah? Well maybe he romhacked it out! Diabetus:
Oh god! He's thought of every angle! slowbeef:
The Chain Chomp is gonna come in and just eat the turtle. Diabetus:
The turtle can't get up the hill because it's too hard. slowbeef:
No, because he screwed up the romhack! Diabetus:
The geometry makes it literally impossible for Koopa the Quick to make it to the end. slowbeef:
"Oh no, I knew I added too many Chain Chomps! Now the game's broken!"
Couldn't you feasibly hack a Chain Chomp into the sky by putting invisible platforms in the air? slowbeef:
Well, yeah. I mean I think people who probably clicked the "Advanced" tab of whatever software he used could do it, but he cannot.
When he played Super Mario Galaxy
, do you think he came at the Chain Chomp Galaxy? slowbeef:
It's like "How can I add a bunch of sprites that don't belong in galaxies? Oh wait, I'm unskilled at technical things." Diabetus:
"No, there's not enough Chain Chomps in Chain Chomp Galaxy!
Or when he's playing The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening
and they have that Chain Chomp, he goes "YES!
"My Crossover Fanfic
come to life!" slowbeef:
"Nintendo DID get my letters!" Diabetus:
"I knew they'd eventually respond in their own special way!" slowbeef:
"Put a goddamn Chain Chomp in Zelda just to shut this OmegaEdge kid up!"
- Then for Part 4, they skip ahead a few videos to find that OmegaEdge29 has added platforms and cannons floating in the sky... and there seem to be a bunch of bugs that are causing "Access Violations":
[OmegaEdge29 lands on a button, and an Access Violation message appears.] slowbeef: [laughing]
That's what the button did! Diabetus:
Did you pilot test your hack before it went into production? [OmegaEdge29 closes the emulator, showing a blue vortex background.] slowbeef:
Oh, wow, the whole world is gone! [OmegaEdge29 starts reloading the rom.] Diabetus:
"Kaizo just imploded on itself, sorry." [OmegaEdge29 reloads the rom; slowbeef cracks up] slowbeef:
Man! Master programmer! Diabetus:
"It's all a part of the hack, guys, alright? It's the challenge." slowbeef:
You have to take savestates in case everything crashes.
You have to be a master to be able to complete this game- a master of computer science! Only 8 terabytes of RAM required to play Kaizo Mario 64! Diabetus:
"I hope you have your Playstation 3 booted up, 'cause this is Kaizo Mario 64." slowbeef:
I heard this romhack made Watson retarded. Diabetus:
"What's that Sony? You need a launch game for PS4? Let me show you what I've been working on." [OmegaEdge29 falls down, revealing the level to be Whomp's Fortress] Diabetus:
Oh, it's Whomp's Fortress! slowbeef:
Yeah, you didn't notice that from the way it just sort of scaled in from nowhere? You don't remember the part of Whomp's Fortress where there were cannons shooting you out of the sky, and your Nintendo 64 would blow up? Diabetus:
I forgot how many times I had to reboot the N64 to beat this game. slowbeef: Shigeru Miyamoto
comes in three months early, "Fuck it boys, ship it!"
[BipdikOnABus passes a large amount of Heave Hos concentrated on a small platform]
Diabetus: Oh, we found the Chain Chomps of this level, at least.
slowbeef: I know, right? "Put a thousand of those flipping guys on [the platform]!"
Diabetus: "More! MOOOORE!"
slowbeef: "Control+V! Control+V! Control+V! It's too easy for BikdipOnABus!"
- The LP is terrible...I hope it doesn't last. Can someone top The Nostalgia Critic's Let's Play in terms of awfulness? teddybearmassacure aims to try:
...I watched three seconds
of this video and I told 'beetus 'Let's do this sight unseen.' [...] Anyway, ready? Diabetus:
: Okay! We're back to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Part FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! Diabetus: Ooh, you weren't kidding. teddybearmassacure
Whenever he speaks I feel like my blood is turning to roaches. Diabetus:
Oh my god, I would rather masturbate with sandpaper
than talk to this kid in real life.
Goddamnit, I wish Gene Wilder
would yell at him! Diabetus:
[...] YOUR VIDEO IS SHIT! GOOD DAY SIR! slowbeef:
YOU! GET! NOTHING!
: Hold on. I'm gonna look away from the video because I can't take it anymore. Diabetus
: Oh really, you can't watch this? slowbeef
: I feel like I'm having a fucking stroke!
[...] Diabetus: [singing]
Oompa Loompa Doopedy Doo! I've got a crappy Let's Play for you! Oompa Loompa Doopedy Dee! If you are wise you'll delete this LP!
- At one point, he complains about the game lagging.
teddybearmassacure: I'm lagging!
Diabetus: Oh, shut up. [Beat] Lagging.
teddybearmassacure: This game, a Game Boy game, is laaagging on me.
slowbeef: Oh my God, how.
Diabetus: That's an impossible thing to happen.
teddybearmassacure: This Game Boy game is laaagging.
slowbeef: Let's repeat it.
Diabetus: Yeah. "Laaaggging"
slowbeef: Ten years from now [breaks into impression of him] "I still haven't had sex with a girl!"
Diabetus: "My penis is laaagging!"
slowbeef: "I still haven't had sex..."
Diabetus: "My PWA is laaagging!"
slowbeef: "The prostitute just took my money and laughed at me."
Diabetus: "And punched me in the face. I even gave her Laffy Taffy."
- The Nostalgia Critic Jumps the Shark While Sputtering and Cursing About It: Their video on the Nostalgia Critic's Let's Play of Bart's Nightmare has Slowbeef and Diabetus suffering through one of the worst L Ps they have ever seen.
slowbeef: I don't believe it! I'm genuinely getting annoyed by this!
Diabetus: Just now? It took you half the video?!
slowbeef: [livid] He makes five digits off this, according to Wikipedia. He quit his job and he makes this. And you tell me I don't have a right to be mad. I could have not gotten a degree and all I could have done was 'YRGH DRGH GRGH' while I played video games and recorded it, and that would have literally been better than this.
- Anything where they start mocking his constant Angrish is guaranteed to be funny.
slowbeef: He's like a weird sine wave. 'OHWOWNOWIMPRETENDINGTOBEINSANE okay now I'm normal again BUTNOWIMPRETENDINGAGAIN!'
- Slowbeef addresses The Critic:
slowbeef: Doug. Can I call you Doug? Because I feel like you've put me through something here.
- Eventually, they assign him a modified Ridley voice.
slowbeef: Gotta pay the bills this month AAGH!
slowbeef: Could you stop waggling that enormous finger at me?
Nostalgia Critic: SHUT UP!
Diabetus: You heard him.
- This is a damn trainwreck.
So sorry about that, my mother needed a little bit of help with her fish tank... slowbeef:
Is this, like, a Let's Play
, or does this guy not know about Twitter? Diabetus:
"In lieu of doing commentary, I will change my Facebook status for every move I make in Mario 3
"Got a fireflower, updated two minutes ago." "Shot a fireball, updated one minute ago." "Still sucks at Mario 3
, updated now." Diabetus:
"gamerguy3424 has lost 50 friends." slowbeef:
"This brings him to a total of negative 400." [gameguy3424 starts whistling the level music] Diabetus:
This is riveting commentary, by the way. slowbeef:
He can't even whistle. He's just, like, blowing
'Oh shit, I'm out of commentary! Uh, uh, THPPPP THHHHPPPPPP TTTTHHHHPPPP'
... gameguy3424: Do a barrel roll! slowbeef:
OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKES! Diabetus: [growls] slowbeef:
I hate Star Fox
! Just for that, I hate Star Fox
! Fuckin' idiots, that - Why is that even a catchphrase?
Do a barrel roll! slowbeef:
AGAIN?! What are you, joking?
- This Is It?, features all the hallmarks of a bad LP once more, this time to Michael Jackson's Moonwalker.
- This is Kokiri Forest  features a LPer messing around in a video editing program, adding an absurd degree of "add-ons":
[a Kokiri Forest-themed border is visible around the LP video] slowbeef:
So we got this weird picture-in-picture thing goin', which looks phenomenal, I might- I must say. Diabetus:
Yeah, it's like watching a Let's Play in 3D. slowbeef:
Oh, yeah. It's beautiful, really. It's like Avatar
I feel like I'm in
Kokiri Forest. [the LPer talks to Mido; the border blinks to green for a moment, and Mido's 3D model is suddenly overlaid on top of the border] Diabetus:
I- uh, huh? slowbeef:
Oh. Uhh... Diabetus:
That's one of his clever add-ons? slowbeef:
That's kind of frightening, if you want to know the truth. ...That was like that one thing the kid did when he said his, like, ROM was being hacked or something by a ghost
Who is this giant invading Kokiri Forest?! slowbeef:
It's like... this is like the Santa's Workshop version of The Ring
. What's going on with this thing? It's staring at me. Diabetus:
Gradually gets larger. Later on... Diabetus:
Now that we're in the scene with the Deku Tree, here's a picture of the Deku Tree. In case you're really
- This Let's Play is Highly Recommended for [DATA EXPUNGED]. The RP itself is hilarious, but the crowner is the description: Ridley in the SCP Foundation.
- To Boldly Go! Somewhere else! Featuring the Enterprise glowing pink.
slowbeef: I really don't understand the hot pink aspect of it.
Diabetus: Captain, you're slowly becoming fabulous.
slowbeef: The Enterprise has the best club in the galaxy.
- During a particularly boring battle:
: Data, could you put in your emotion chip so you can at least sound interested
in this Let's Play? slowbeef
: Ohhh, shiiiiiit...
- How about The Tower Of Horrible Voices?
- "Oh shut up you dumb shit. You little fuckin' spaz. You're gonna do this for the whole video, aren't you?"
- "Oh, I'm so good at video games. I'm the best. This is not hard at all. NOW I'M DOING DIALOGUE! THIS IS SO FUNNY AND NOT ANNOYING!"
- "Oh God, I have to put my video on YouTube and annoy the Internet!"
- The LPer also attempts to voice act for every line of dialogue. When an instance comes where it says 'Grrrrr', the guys beat him to the punch by snarling loudly.
- Lijik's gimmick gets so annoying that someone in real life knocks on his room's door to shut him up. This doesn't go unnoticed by the guys. As Diabetus put it: "YES MOM, I WILL DO THE D- I mean, yes, mother, I will do the dishes and hang the plant".
- Slowbeef actually singles out a comment by rafigirl123 for praise, and Diabetus says to go thumbs up the comment. It has 2505 thumbs up as of this writing, while Lijik's asshole response has been marked as spam.
slowbeef: Okay, I have never done this before but I am going to praise a comment on this video- [Lijik pipes up with the voice again] SHUT UP SO I CAN TALK!
rafigirl123: "Your god-this-is-hard schtick is more annoying than funny."
Diabetus: I could barely hear what you're saying but yeah I think I got it.
slowbeef: If I could thumbs that up times a million, I would! Thank you, rafigirl123!
Diabetus: Everybody, go thumbs up that comment right now.
slowbeef: LijikLetsPlay's response: [imitates Lijik's grating Jack Chainsaw voice] "I'LL GO BACK IN TIME-" [goes back to normal very quickly] Nah, I won't do that. "I'll go back in time five months and make sure something I only did in two videos never happens, thank you." You obnoxious little prick! She's absolutely fucking right! "Oh, I'll go back in time and make sure this doesn't happen-" You know what? See that you do, you little fucking spaz!
Diabetus: How do you really feel?
slowbeef: Get the fuck off my internet!
- Trouble with the law? Better call Saul (Slendamann), the guys hear the LPer's odd pronunciation of "Slenderman" and run away with the idea that the Slenderman is actually a Jewish lawyer named Saul Slendamann, for the entire rest of the video.
- The first thing that happens in the video, Diabetus notices the Unregistered Hypercam 3 watermark.
Diabetus: There's a three now?
- Two squares play a game about Hollywood, featuring BillyMC with his guest TheLimePopsicle, with both of them getting very excited over an NES Hollywood Squares game.
I'm gonna say yes, I'm gonna agree with that. [gets the question wrong] No! Diabetus:
And Billy's pride was shattered that day.
If you get [this question] correct, you'll win a trip to Australia! TheLimePopsicle:
Oh yeah, I could go there! Diabetus: [cracking up]
You're not actually- You're not actually going to Australia! slowbeef:
I love that response. "Yeah, I could go there." Diabetus:
The first NES game to give ACTUAL prizes.
"...if your younger sister is constantly playing with yourself
-" no- slowbeef:
Oh! Oh, god, g- [laughs] Diabetus:
Well, that's in the PG-13 version of Hollywood Squares. slowbeef:
Yeah, Billy's like, "Shit! I'm gonna have to put this under adults only!" Diabetus:
"Well, there's the explicit rating!"
Oh, this is so hard! slowbeef: There's two fucking choices! Diabetus:
I don't know if I have a 50/50 chance on this one. TheLimePopsicle: [after getting the question wrong]
Oh, BillyMC, you got another chance! [slowbeef and Diabetus crack up] Diabetus:
They're so into this! slowbeef:
...it's like The Smurfs
play Hollywood Squares, like "Oh I lost, but BillyMC you got another chance!" BillyMC: [answers a question incorrectly]
NO THEY DO! [slowbeef and Diabetus crack up again] Diabetus:
... [TheLimePopsicle gets a question wrong, costing him the game] BillyMC:
Ah, no victory for you now! [slowbeef and Diabetus crack up again] Diabetus:
Billy's pride swelled three times that day.
- In The Unfair Retsupurae, annoyed at SonikDude101's exaggerated reactions, Slowbeef and Diabetus wonder if that's how he reacts to real life difficulties as well, pondering also if they should reevaluate their LP styles accordingly to be more famous. Then this exchange occurs:
I know, it's like you're playing Modern Warfare
2 and you're like "OH MY GOD, MY GRENADE ROLLS BACK DOWN!!! WHAT HAPPENED..." Diabetus:
You're in an actual army and you're saying that. *both laugh* "I JUST GOT FRAGGED!!!" slowbeef:
"THESE BLACKWATER MERCS ARE FUCKING THINGS UP!!!" Diabetus:
"I'M NEVER GONNA SEE MY WIFE AND KIDS AGAIN!!! THAT'S BULLSHIT!!!" slowbeef:
"I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S A FUCKING KID SHOOTING AT ME, THIS IS TERRIBLE!!!"
- And then there's this exchange earlier in the video:
SonikDude101: What the fuck!? Why did I sign up to do this!?
slowbeef: Oh, I hate when they fucking say that shit.
Diabetus: Like "why would I do this?", "what am I doing?"...
slowbeef: "WHY IS GOD FORCING ME TO DO THIS!? WHY DID THE YOUTUBE EMPEROR MAKE ME PLAY THIS GAME!?"
Diabetus: Well, you know what it is? It's peer pressure.
slowbeef: Who is his peer, though?
Diabetus: He- [SonikDude101 dies again, then interrupts him with yet another over-the-top laughing reaction.]
Diabetus: He's just getting in with the wrong crowd, man... only on a much more nerdy level.
slowbeef: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the circus orgasms he's having.
Diabetus: Well, I was just saying- [Diabetus imitates SonikDude101's fake laughter]
- ''Ultimate Comprehensive Endless Fun FF6 Walkthrough
Diabetus: [in Bill Clinton voice] I don't steal, I treasure hunt... for boobies.
slowbeef: Very nice. I missed that.
- Unregistered Commentary 2 has two golden moments. First, the subtitles go "Boy do I wish I could do voice commentary." Second, the LPer goes on a tangent about motorcycle people driving by his house.
- This Video Had a 1280x540 Resolution has an amazingly incompetent Castlevania LPer who somehow squishes the video so severely that most of the text is illegible.
- Wait for it...
George Wood: Donkey Kong Country
is truly perfect. If you do not get this amazing new generation of Donkey Kong madness, you are stupid!
Yes, I know, that's insulting, but it's also the truth! If you're a true video game fan, you will not hesitate in the slightest bit to buy this remarkable piece of video gaming history! [long pause] slowbeef:
Now take this time to reflect on just how stupid you are! Diabetus:
I think that's what this footage is meant for. slowbeef:
If you do not buy Donkey Kong Country
, then your mother is a whore! Diabetus:
It may sound insulting, but you're a fucking idiot! slowbeef:
It may be insulting, but I just fucked your grandmother!
... [The review ends with Donkey Kong's Game Over screen◊.] Diabetus:
Well this is kind of a somber way to end your video game review, isn't it? slowbeef:
I'm sure he wanted to put the word "IDIOT" right in the center there, but he couldn't figure out how.
- Warning: Serious Eye Damage Hazard has a good bit halfway through the video.
Oh, it's a kid
Whatever, I don't give a fuck! No excuses! I don't give a shit, I don't care if he's four! Don't do shit like this, I don't give a fuck how old you are, this is a bad idea! I'm not gonna fucking pretend like this video's okay 'cause the kid's fuckin' retarded and seven years old! slowbeef: [chuckles]
I am morally outraged, but I must agree. Proteus:
How can you be morally outraged!? If my son did this, I would kill him! [slowbeef bursts into laughter] slowbeef:
"I WOULD MURDER MY CHILD IF HE DARED—" Proteus:
I would murder my child for making a video of this poor quality! slowbeef:
"You embarrass my family with this Let's Play!?" Proteus:
Don't you know me!? I did Daikatana
and you make this shit!? FUCK YOU. Diabetus:
"Did you learn nothing from me!?" slowbeef:
"The one thing I said to your mother was 'I want him to be a good Let's Player when he grows up', and now look at what you've done!" Diabetus:
"You couldn't even take after your dad!" Proteus:
Fuck school, fuck sports, he doesn't need to do any of that, but he's gonna be a good LP'er, god damn it! slowbeef:
"The only grade that matters is the one that can be rated on a scale of 1 to 5!" Proteus: [laughs]
With stars! slowbeef:
"You've failed me for the last time, Samuelking100 Proteus Jr.!" Proteus:
The only worthwhile thing anybody will ever say to you will be through text comments on your Youtube page! slowbeef:
"Now you get out of my sight, and don't come back downstairs 'til you own a Gamebridge!"
- What The? (CENSORED): The trio are left confused at an LP of Super Mario Bros. 3 which uses obnoxiously loud sound effects and save states at the most unfortunate times.
Proteus: This is like the audio version of epilepsy.
- The fact that the Nostalgic Rage HQ channnel is (now was) a group of different videomakers makes slowbeef really confused.
Proteus: Nostalgic Rage Productions is now a team that has people who are specialized in their categories of videos.
slowbeef: What?! So, like, they are the X-Men of Let's Plays? I guessed that right?
- Then, after nine minutes and an half, the video abruptly ends with a piano version of 'Departed Souls':
slowbeef: What th-!
Proteus: Oh! Hello... piano out of nowhere. What the fuck?
slowbeef: What, did someone die?
Proteus: Yes! Mario did! Many, many times!
- When You're Here, You're Family. The Mario 64 Let's Player repeatedly says he wants his fans to see him as family (by following him on Facebook) and throwing around random inspirational phrases about following your dreams. He begins telling a very brief, simple story about himself going over to a friend's house to play Final Fantasy XIII, which somehow takes nearly 20 minutes to tell because he keeps distracting himself and going off onto tangents about random things.
RifleGaming: At this point I'm tired. I mean, not tired - hungry.
slowbeef: Either way! I mix those up all the time. "Aw, I brought a hamburger to bed again! Dammit! Keep getting confused!"
RifleGaming: His parents, y'know, finally went to sleep, we had the whole downstairs to ourselves. We're like oh, yeaaah... Gonna play some video games! I got really excited...
- Just to give an idea of how ridiculously long-winded and meandering the story is, he begins telling the story at almost the beginning of the video, continuously diverts into completely unrelated topics until he offhandedly gets to the punchline of the story (that he defeated the Final Fantasy XIII final boss while looking through his friend's fridge), and then essentially continues talking about nothing for almost another ten minutes. Most of this length comes from completely inane details that cause him to completely lose his train of thought or Captain Obvious observations.
RifleGaming: ...so I was stressin' out a little bit, but still.... killin' it. By the way, the kitchen is right next to his living room.
slowbeef: WHO CARES, BRIAN!?
RifleGaming: ...and the bedrooms are upstairs, that's where they went to sleep at.
slowbeef: God, that's where they went to sleep, the bedrooms, who'd have thought?!
- He talks about interacting with his friend's parents, which apparently consists of him laughing nervously whenever he's asked a question. slowbeef and Diabetus can't hold in their laughter. This is despite having no problems offhandedly discussing his masturbation habits earlier in the video.
Diabetus: I mean, there was the prelude of talking to his parents like (nervous giggle).
slowbeef: Yeah, what was with that?! How awkward do you have to be around them? "I just sit there, like, 'Hey, how's school going?' (nervous laugh)" Why would you let your son hang out with this guy if that's how he speaks to you? "I'm worried about Jimmy, his friend Brian doesn't seem to speak! Wait, it's nighttime, I think they're playing video games."
- Bowser jumps in the air as RifleGaming continues rambling, prompting Diabetus to shout "SHUT UPPP!" in Bowser's voice.
- This comment:
all of a sudden, the #1 Bestselling Book is "How I Beat Final Fantasy 13 While in A Fridge"
1542 pages for a plotline that should be as long as a middle school book report.
- Where In Time is Mario? has a Southern Let's Player who doesn't understand the rewind button on an emulator. Hilarity ensues, especially at the end.
LPer: Yeah! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO-WHEEEE-EE!!!
slowbeef: Wow. I imagine he's twirling his cowboy hat right now.
LPer: The pain has finally substanded.
slowbeef: What? Is he in constant pain unless he finishes Mario romhack levels?
Diabetus: He did this in a barn, right?
- It may be the Worst Retsupurae Ever, but the last minute is a comedy goldmine.
what all this is; he asked for votes on which Pokémon he should use next, or whatever. Diabetus:
Who cares? They're all the same. Proteus:
No, you guys need to vote in our
text comments. slowbeef: [starts laughing] Diabetus:
Which Pokémon should this guy use in his next video? Which was made over a year ago. slowbeef:
We'll get DeceasedCrab
to enforce. Proteus:
You're dead to the Youtube LP community. slowbeef: [speaking in a Deceased Crab-like voice]
Hey, I'm the Youtube LP Emperor! You have to do video 19 over with the following Pokémon. Diabetus: [speaks in his own Deceased Crab voice]
If it's not a crab-based Pokémon, I'm going to block you! Huzzah! Proteus: [does the same]
Huzzah! slowbeef: This is the most perfect Deceased Crab impression there is!
I sound just like him right now! Diabetus:
I'm perpetually in puberty! slowbeef: This is the most horrible Retsupurae video we ever made! Proteus:
Huzzah, this sucks! slowbeef:
I'm gonna kill myself after watching this! Dagnabbit! slowbeef: [sputters-]
Bakesale. [normal voice, cracks up]
Why did we start on Deceased Crab, again?
- "Yeah, hide right there!" (Retsupurae Metal Gear Solid) (w/ Shmorky)
MrMasked: Going in the water... man, is it just me or does that look completely retarded? Like, what the hell is Snake doing right now?
slowbeef: Oh my god, you couldn't make this more boring.
Diabetus: What is this walking underwater bullshit?!
slowbeef: I'm hardcore, the way I walk underwater for no reason!
Shmorky: THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN YOU WALK UNDERWATER!
slowbeef: It's this attention to detail that Hideo Kojima threw in.
Diabetus: One of the many benefits of extreme difficulty.
slowbeef: I wish he'd picked 'Game Over if Boring'.
[MrMasked starts talking with his co-commentator]
Shmorky: Is someone telling him how to play?
slowbeef: I think so. I think he's got a coach!
Shmorky: YOU GONNA-YOU GONNA PLAY THIS GAME? OKAY, RUN AROUND IN CIRCLES NOW!
slowbeef: This is what practice was for all season, Billy! We're not here fuckin' around with a video game!
- The main treat though is MrMasked's complete ineptitude at the game, despite picking the hardest difficulty and declaring himself hardcore:
MrMasked: This is like the hardest...thing in the game.
slowbeef: What? This is the hardest part of the game?!
Diabetus: It just started!
slowbeef: [laughter] Oh my God!
Diabetus: I don't think he ever got past this room in any of his playthroughs ever! He thinks this room is the whole game!
slowbeef: I know! "Once I get to that elevator, it's smooth sailing from here on out!"
Diabetus: "I'm about halfway finished with the game!"
[MrMasked gets spotted twice]
slowbeef: Oh my God, he can't even use the elevator right!
MrMasked: [talking to his co-commentator] I-I'm trying, I forgot the controls!
Diabetus: You forgot the controls?!?
Shmorky: IT GOES UP AND DOWN!!!
slowbeef: Try the action button, quick!
[MrMasked pathetically tries to hide in a corner behind some lockers and gets shot several times]
slowbeef: [laughter] YEAH, HIDE RIGHT THERE!!
- "Yeah Kirby Superstar, Fuck You Mom!" featuring a hyperactive Keet guy playing Kirby Super Star.
xxThornxx: AND WE'RE BACK WITH EPISODE FOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRR!!!
Shmorky: Let's play Kirby Super Star! FUCK YOU, MOM!
[Helper transforms from a Plasma Wisp into a Waddle Doo]
xxThornxx: Oh, oh, oh why? Why? WHY?!
Diabetus: Why are you playing this game?
Proteus: Damn you, Waddle Doo! You have fucked me for the last time, Waddle Doo!
Diabetus: This guy should be selling used cars, not playing Kirby.
xxThornxx: That's totally awesome!
slowbeef: What's totally awesome?
xxThornxx: Hot dogs! Yeah, man! I'd go down for some hot dogs.
Diabetus: Muthafukin' hot dogs! Kirby!
Proteus: Nigga, I eat hot dogs for breakfast.
- You will not make it through this video, but it's worth trying.
...are you saying this guy's
not making you enthusiastic about this? Slowbeef:
You notice he's just wandering around the town, right? It's not like this is a party. Diabetus:
Goes outside every day, "AWRIGHT, I'M GOING TO CHECK SOME MAIL, HAWHAAAW!" Slowbeef:
"WOOHOO! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? AND HERE'S THE MAILBOX" "HELLO I HAVE A LETTER IN MY MOUTH FOR YOU" "THANK YOOOUUU!"
- "You know I see that timer at the bottom, that moon can't hit him fast enough!
- Just the ending.
Slowbeef: I could take a God-damn power drill to the forehead after that... actually will you excuse me? I'm gonna take a fucking power drill to the forehead after that!