Funny / Retsufrash: slowbeef and Diabetus

Retsupurae's very own slowbeef and Diabetus has accumulated so many funny moments that it even broke the page that was meant exclusively for their account. This page contains their Retsufrashes: where flash games and movies are riffed on.

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Examples (in alphabetical order):

Retsufrashes A-J

• The Ambition series, a spin-off of The Negotiator, provides endless opportunities for hilarity.
  • How To Disarm A Bomb (Ambition Part 1):
    • The bomber's tendency to pace around the room, with an incredibly loud knocking sound for his footsteps.
    • The 'all of the above' option.
    Cop: Hi, my name is Jim. Put your hands in the air! What are you upset about?
  • How To Disarm A Hitchhiker (Ambition Part 2)
    • slowbeef's reaction to the game referring to Ted as the Vagabond.
    slowbeef: Uhm... Oh wait, he's the Vagabond?!
    • Yale's goofy grin. And it won't be the only time it'll pop up again.
  • How To Apply The DSM V (Ambition Part 3)
    • In which you are lectured about human nature by Ted, the psychotic man who was threatening everyone with explosives strapped to his chest for the past two chapters, while trying to correctly diagnose him. In spite of his behavior, the correct answer is to claim he's perfectly sane.
    • His creepy behavior and dialog do lend themselves to great◊ images◊, for what it's worth.
  • How To Untangle A Tryst (Part 1) (Ambition Part 4)
    • Ted's escape, wherein he pointlessly starts doing parkour on the walls◊.
  • How To ... Uh... Untangle A Tryst? (Part 2) (Ambition Part 5). This is where the series really seemed to have come off the rails. Practically all of the characters make truly bizarre and borderline terrifying faces.
    • There's a random moment where a pencil somehow launches itself into the air from Yale's desk, accompanied by a drum roll and cymbal sting when Angie catches it. Yale's reaction causes both goons to completely lose it.
    Yale: Wow. Good catch.
    Diabetus: That was the se-
    [Yale does a goofy grin. Both goons burst into laughter.]
    slowbeef: I... There was nothing we could've said to add to that. [further laughter following a cross-eyed Angie] Are you serious?
    • Special note must be given to the entire scenario with Yale's wife and "you beloved aunt"'s violin. She starts screaming like a velociraptor before beating in the player's head.
  • How To Solve The Case! (Ambition Part 6) In which you're a police officer who's ordered to make an arrest in 16 hours, when real arrests tend to take much, much longer to occur. (You get 24 after some negotiating with your boss, but nevertheless...)
    • You turn out to be the most narcoleptic policeman on the force, too, requiring a four-hour trip to bed every 12 in-game hours or so, lest you get lost in your own city. This is represented by you driving into your bed on the highway◊.
    slowbeef: We're taking another nap?
    Diabetus: Watch out!
    slowbeef: Oh God!
    Diabetus: Aaaaaah! [the main menu appears] Oh, that was the coziest crash ever.
  • How To Start Interrogating A Suspect (Ambition Part 7) gives us, among other funny moments, a review by a user called "ffextreme," who wonders if the creator is related to Mel Gibson, because they have the same last name. He says that he liked Braveheart and "The Passion". Made even funnier by the fact that slowbeef can barely contain himself while reading the review, as well as the Bane impression he does to interpret all caps.
    • During actual gameplay, slowbeef sums up the insanity of the series:
    Bridget: You just don't get it, do you? Ted escaped because he was allowed to escape. Come on, you can do it. Connect the dots.
    slowbeef: Could there be a giant conspiracy theory that would force a guy to put a bomb on himself, jump out a window, land in a mattress truck, hitchhike with the very people that's [sic] conspiring against him, and then land up in a psychological assessment where it turned out he's actually sane and maybe under this drug Paxwic, which is a drug made for produc[ing] the perfect soldier? I think not!
    Diabetus: That's how you connect the dots?
    • The incredibly creepy "loverboy" at the beginning with the huge overbite is remarkably surreal-looking - even for this series. In addition, once Bridget spurns him, he stares directly at the player with a surprisingly intimidating (and ridiculously goofy) glare.
    • The opening of the game asserts that Rolf Klink was giving a speech at a right-wing political rally. He immediately goes into a rant about how to rule the populace through "fear"... As it turns out, the party he's giving a speech for? The Fascist Party. You know, like two fondly-remembered countries from the 1940s...
  • How To Discover The Truth (Ambition Part 8). Two words: Ted sings.
    • Then there's what's supposed to be Bridget pretending to be attacked, but looks like her dancing in place whispering "HELPHELPHELPHELPHELP". slowbeef and Diabetus are mystified.
    • The option to punch Duke in the nose.
    • Near the end, Bridget asks the PC who said that "Facts are the enemy of the truth" and mocks him if the player doesn't answer "Miguel de Cervantes". The gameplay portion of the video ends with Pinstripe Hourglass using Google to show that the quote is from Dale Wasserman, not Cervantes.
    • There's one user review slowbeef finds for Diabetus to do his "screaming voice" for, which essentially is "THANK YOU MICHAEL" over and over again. Made more amusing when you consider slowbeef's real name...
  • How To Fix a Broken Marriage (Ambition Part 9). The answer: pastries and 24-karat diamond necklaces that look like they came from Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff.
    • More specifically, the pastry bit comes out of nowhere in the middle of a (more or less) serious discussion. slowbeef's reaction makes it even better.
    Helen: Are you suggesting that if I weren't so bitchy and instead acted like a sweet, compliant little wifie, you still would have [had an affair]?
    Yale: Yes.
    Helen: Have a pastry.
    [Yale holds a pastry making the infamous goofy grin; slowbeef starts laughing]
    Yale: Mmm, Helen makes the most sumptuous pastries.
    [slowbeef starts laughing harder]
    Helen: Not everyday. If I - [made them every day maybe he wouldn't have cheated on me.]
    [the player interrupts Helen]
    slowbeef: (still laughing) I'm gonna stop you here. What the hell are you talking about?
    Diabetus: What the hell is going on?
    [the player selects "Ask Helen what role food plays in her life."]
    Yale: Food plays a significant role in her life.
    slowbeef: WHAT?!
    Diabetus: How?!
    Helen: I think the question was addressed to me.
    Yale: Then answer it.
    Helen: I'm trying to.
    Yale: She makes enormous amounts of food every day which neither of us can eat.
    slowbeef: What does this have to do with -
    Helen: Are you going to let me speak?
    Diabetus: I'm just gonna let this play out.
    Yale: Of course dear. I'm just allowing you time to formulate your thoughts into a coherent structure.
    slowbeef: Look at this!
    [Diabetus laughs]
    Helen: Listen to him. How could anyone put up with that?
    Yale: We're all still waiting for you to answer the question about what role food plays in your life.
    slowbeef: Interrupt. "I'd like a pastry!"
    • Also, players guide the plot in this installment by interrupting them, which greatly amuses the RPers - especially when, near the end of a failed run, the player is prevented from interrupting.
    • Near the end of the game, Yale claims that "the white man has achieved world domination because he enslaved the black man". A few seconds later, he offers Helen the aforementioned necklace made out of 24k gold and diamonds, two materials which are in no way related to the exploitation/enslavement of black people.
    • "Somehow, even though it started out with a guy strapping bombs to his chest and jumping out a window, the central thesis [of the Ambition series] is 'bitches be crazy'".
  • How To Handle The Police (Ambition Part 13)
    • Absolutely everything about the Wham Episode that ensues after the player character leaves the courthouse in a taxi cab. It all starts off with the Wham Line:
    Diabetus: This seems pretty normal.
    Duke: [In his usual high-pitched, nasally voice] Because I'm a terrorist!
    slowbeef: [incredulous] WHAT?! Oh my God...What?!
    [The two goons are left in hysterics for a good twenty seconds straight.]
    slowbeef: Now I'm a terrorist! [continues laughing]
    Diabetus: Oh my God...
    [The next dialog option tree pops up, with the first option being eight words long and the second being ten lines.]
    slowbeef: Oh my God, look at these two options! [more laughing] Duke, sit down a minute for option two!
    Diabetus: Can we die so we can go back and see that again?
    [A police car drives by in the background with Ted in the back seat]
    slowbeef: Look, they caught Ted again!
    [Another dialog option tree...]
    Diabetus: Wait, none of the three options are "what the fuck?"
    slowbeef: "Because I'm a terrorist!" [laughs] I'm sorry, let me redo that: [mimicking Duke's nasal voice] "Because I'm a terrorist! Mooooom!"
    Diabetus: Oh, God... [more chuckling] Ugh... You're a terrorist, but you were such a good marriage counselor!
    slowbeef: [laughs] He terrorizes divorce lawyers! This is great marriage counseling!
    Diabetus: You know what, I take it back; going through all these parts was worth it!
    • Even better: by sheer coincidence, this exchange begins at 9:11 in the video.
    • The video also ends with Duke getting kicked in the crotch; a scene so hilarious that it's played out twice for the two goons.
  • How To Close Out Your Video Game Series (Ambition part 14) has Duke killing the player in front of a mysterious green light as a guitar riff plays. The green light shows up several times later, and every time it shows up neither goon can comprehend what it is.
    • Speaking of Duke, the animation for swinging the tire iron. slowbeef describes it as "tire iron, gangster-style".
    • Also, after the credits, Helen's scream from episode 5 pops up again.
• Ambition Babies covers yet another Michael Gibson series, this time focusing on children. For some reason, the player now has a "Persuasion Power" meter that fills when you become more popular with the others. It tends to fill up after particularly negative choices (i.e. mocking a boy's speech impediment), and every time it fills or drains lightning strikes the screen.
  • Also, the mouse from The Raise pops up from time to time to tell the player how they're doing, annoying the RPers.
  • Ted returns to the series as a math teacher.
  • Perhaps capping everything off is a section near the end of Part 1 where a fat girl who had previously air guitared suddenly gains a real guitar and sings about herself, transporting the school into a trippy dimension filled with poorly-animated students. The goons react about how'd you expect.
    • Afterward:
  Ted: What are you kids up to?
  Slowbeef: I DON'T KNOW!!
  Diabetus: "No seriously, what the fuck was that?"
  • When given the option to apologize to Dave or simply ignore him and walk away, slowbeef picks the latter choice, upon which the mouse congratulates him.
  • Part 2 cover's the girl's side of Monday, featuring a slumber party treated as Serious Business, Duke Crabtree's reappearance (along with a complete redesign and his twin brother Luke), and the mouse popping up during the tennis match (not to mention greeting you with "Way to go, girl!").
    • Also, after Kim is left out of the slumber party, a little depressing piano ditty plays, and Janina appears again... though she doesn't sing.
    • A sequence from both gender's storylines has Janina ask you "if you could do anything, what would it be?" There are two "real" answers - sing in a band or go to Paris. Answer with "Go to Paris" and she calls you an idiot for not choosing the band option - right before doing a stupid-looking Air Guitar bit.
  • The third installment has Ted outright saying he doesn't feel like teaching today, and in general saying things that are far too complex for elementary school students to understand. Also, the vice principal punishes you for participating in humiliating another student by sending you back in time to the beginning of the day, leading to several mentions of Time Travel in the commentary (and Diabetus asking if your character is named "The Doctor").
    • Then, Ted teaches a lesson with four doors: one of which houses an A+, and the other three goats.
• And now comes Ambition: Gaiden, the long-awaited riffing of the slightly-better animated Move Or Die.
  • Part 1 introduces Wilma and Syd thinking they ran over an already-dead old man. It proves to be no less convoluted or headstrong than the entire Ambition series in ten minutes.
    • The goons are creeped out by the Player Character: a random hitchhiker who's an amorphous black blob with eyes.
    • Much like the rest of the Zap Dramatic oevure, the player "advises" the characters. This time, the twist is having three chances to "pass" or "fail" a negotiation just because, leading to outcomes like:
    • Passing the first negotiation by suggesting Wilma to cry. One wonders if Michael Gibson thinks crying is the best solution to any problem, considering it also worked with avoiding a traffic ticket.
    • Syd using his crazy philosophy to justify stealing the old man's wallet. Made worse with his revelation out of nowhere that he was charged for assault and needs the money for court costs.
    • In the middle of the two stashing the body (in a convertible's backseat, no less), the Karma Bus makes a comeback, complete with Duke, Bridget, Bridget's mother, and the old couple from Ambition's sixth episode looking out the window.
    slowbeef: Oh, come on.
    Diabetus: Ted Hartrup would come in here and say "that's a little on the nose, guys."
    • The last two minutes is one of the most baffling moments ever in a flash game.
    • For starters, a shady, overweight man in a Nursing Home van asks Wilma and Syd for the corpse. Once the van's loaded, the man asks for the dead man's wallet, brandishing a revolver. Wilma gives us this gem:
      Wilma: A man who needs a gun is often compensating for a lack of fire-power elsewhere-
      [BANG]
    • Despite that, the two make it to the car, with the van in hot pursuit. To placate the man, Syd, throws the old man's cash and cell phone at the van, doing nothing. Of course, Syd blames the player, and then the Karma Bus crashes head on into their car. The whole dragged-out sequence astounds the goons.
  • In Part 2, we witness this gem:
    Nursing Home Van driver: How's it going?
    Wilma: We found a dead man by the side of the road.
    Nursing Home Van driver: Dead?!
    [Player picks the "Say no thank you" option]
    Wilma: No thanks.
    Nursing Home Van driver: Where is the money?
    Wilma: Let's get the heck out of here.
    Nursing Home Van driver: That money! Belongs to m-! [Subtitles read: Ok, help me load him into the back]
    Diabetus: Great negotiating, guys.
• During a stream, slowbeef and several others looked at the works of the memorably named "assjoe", a series of five predictably amateurish 'horror' games, all featuring stolen images and audio assets, terrible jumpscares, MS Paint artwork, and the same puzzles repeated over and over.
  • Fog is almost entirely based around Trial-and-Error Gameplay; clicking on the wrong arrow abruptly kills you with a note saying "The forest has swallowed you. GAME OVER."
  • Fog 2 gets rid of the random game over screens, but features a lot more bad art.
    • At one point, they find what's supposed to be a severed head in a toolbox, but...
    PAMaster: Humpty Dumpty, no!
  • Silent Hill: Final Redemption is when assjoe abandons the Fog series and goes for a straight-up fangame.
    • Mr. DJB notices that there's a "lot of religion" in these games:
    Lagoman: This isn't another Godlimations thing?
    slowbeef: No, no it's more subtle, it's Assjoe! [starts chuckling]
    P.A. Master: The one and only legend.
    Mr. DJB: Reverend Assjoe. [everyone starts laughing]
    • Towards the end of the game, the protagonist picks up a hunting rifle and has to fight off the jumpscare .jpegs, which sends the entire stream into hysterics.
  • Sacrificium is another attempt at original storytelling, featuring 'the Second Life spell, Sacrificium Occultus'.
    • Mr. DJB and PAMaster prove to be just as unaffected by the jumpscares as slowbeef and Diabetus usually are. A ghost face that flashes every time the player enters one room has Mr. DJB note that he literally blinked and missed it, since he never took his eyes off the screen and still didn't even notice it the first time. PAMaster's reaction to a much louder and harder-to-miss jumpscare involving Samara from the American version of The Ring, meanwhile, is to wonder aloud "was that Macaulay Culkin?"
    • The game has two endings, chosen by picking one of two doors with an A or a B on it with no forewarning, and both of which end on ridiculous jumpscares. Ending B ends on a picture of a completely normal woman and ending A has a picture of a dog.
  • Silent Hill: Room 304 is another fangame, where a guy somehow locks himself in a room and asks the player to look for his family.
    • PAMaster mentions early on that he wouldn't bother looking up a walkthrough because he figured looking for "silent hill room" would get actual Silent Hill games. He finds no less than three walkthroughs for Room 304, so slowbeef has him use one to tell him where to go. After slowbeef goes to the school in search of the guy's family and only finds keys and a jumpscare, and he's told to head back to the cabin:
    slowbeef: Oh, the woman I bet was his wife, and I have to be like, 'yep, sorry.'
    PAMaster: 'Eh, she's dead.'
    slowbeef: She's a jumpscare now. [chuckles from everyone] A fate worse than death.
    PAMaster: I'm sorry, your wife is a jpeg. I didn't want it to have to be this way.
    • Assjoe manages to hold back on the typical jumpscare addiction other bad Newgrounds horror games have and manages only two. The first at least had some effort put into it, being put into footage from surveillance cameras (which PAMaster notes are somehow recording from the exact same perspective the rooms were played from normally), but it still warrants little more than a chuckle from slowbeef and Mr. DJB saying "hello" in an exaggerated voice. The next one, almost ten minutes later, is closer in form to the classic jumpscares, with a badly-cropped .jpg of what slowbeef compares to Swamp Thing appearing out of nowhere and disappearing in one second (which Mr. DJB says he once again literally blinked and missed it).
    • The reviews in themselves are just as great for comedy. PAMaster starts off by reading an absurdly-long review that's trying to be Purple Prose but is just filled with so many ridiculous grammar mistakes (including using "damnly") that Lagoman wonders if Borat wrote it. Mr. DJB finds another one that praises its jumpscares - as it brings up the fact that there were only two of them. slowbeef reads the one right below it, which speaks positively in such a forced-sounding tone that he figures it must have been sarcastic (and that everyone else finding the review helpful means everyone reviewing the game is in on the joke). Then PAMaster finds the real crown jewel...
    PAMaster: Wait, hold on. "The loader always kinda stuck and the tank went fast, same thing here, and so I wanted to play this, frowny-face, but still ten because Silent Hill rocks!" [everyone immediately starts cracking up] He couldn't get past the loading screen!
    slowbeef: Shut up, where, when?! I gotta see this!
    PAMaster: Page six. Page six, sorted by ratings.
    Lagoman: "I couldn't even play it, but it reminded me of something that I could play, so, ten out of ten."
    slowbeef: Oh my God, that's like a thing we joke about! Someone actually did that! Someone... what?!
    Mr. DJB: Newgrounds.com. It's the best!
• Apocalypse? Wow., their Retsufrash of the Godlimations game Vorago.
  • The duo's befuddled reaction to a puzzle that involves using a deodorant flamethrower to burn flies, in the process setting a cat on fire, somehow causing it to fly into and destroy a mirror.
    Diabetus: Godlimations: A Tex Avery joint.
  • Their Running Gag about Seth's random hatred for the Dutch.
  • Their reaction to Anya's hilariously tasteless death scene. They start off snarking at it, then get rendered speechless by a close-up of Anya's mangled corpse.
    slowbeef: [As Ira] "You mean collection's going to take our daughter if we don't pay our bills?"
    [Anya's beach ball bounces in front of a bus]
    Diabetus: Oh no, not the beach ball!
    slowbeef: Let the beach ball go, Anya!
    [Anya is hit; Ira is cradling her child]
    slowbeef: "Dammit, if only I'd paid the gas!"
    [They laugh]
    Diabetus: "If only I'd-"
    [The scene transitions to Anya, with her upper head missing]
    slowbeef: HOLY SHIT!
    Diabetus: Oh my God.
    slowbeef: Wow.
  • The Downer Ending elicits this deadpan gem from Diabetus:
    Text: There is no triumphant end to this story.
    Diabetus: Really? I was expecting something uplifting.
• Arise: The New Form of Horror
  slowbeef: You don't need to read all this, but look at the second page at the beginning. 'This is not a joke, and it's not a test. I put you in this shack to test you.' *They both laugh* Like, right there! I mean, come on!
  Diabetus: Oh man, my backspace key doesn't work but I've gotta keep writing my narrative!
  slowbeef: I can only go forward from here on out! My keyboard has deemed it!
  • Arise 2 (2/2)
  [This◊ flashes before them.]
  Diabetus: JOHN MCCAIN, WHY?
  • The Running Gag with Mofunzone's giant login banner.
  • At the end of the game:
  Slowbeef: Do I sense fake chemistry puzzles, I hope?
  Diabetus: Do I sense Arise 3?
  [Cue perfectly-timed Jump Scare.]
  • Arise 3 is a 10 minutes Timed Mission, therefore Slowbeef musttalkreallyfasttogetthroughthegame, ignoring both the jumpscares and a more and more confused Diabetus' objections, relaxing only for the time it takes to get through a microscope minigame.
  • Immediately before the motor mouthing starts, there this excellent example of comedic timing:
  slowbeef: Now, Arise 3 introduces a couple of new elements. Not like pop scares, since there's one coming up in about one second. [JUMPSCARE].
  • Diabetus's fake scream, followed by Slowbeef's nonchalant response before switching back into urgent mode.
  [JUMPSCARE]
  Diabetus: Aaahh.
  Slowbeef: Yeah. Butyeahthatwasscaryyougottabecarefulofit—
  • >.> apparently means "It was greater than nothing, and also it was greater than having your period."
  • Slowbeef rushes through the game at such a ridiculous speed that, about six minutes into the video, he triggers a pop scare and leaves the screen before it has time to finish.
  Diabetus: [in response to a jump scare consisting of every previous JPEG flashed in rapid succession] He's getting close to the cure! Throw more JPEGs at him!
  • Arise 4, the worst game ever.
  • "My .jpegs! No!" "Well, how do I know that you didn't have to put in 666 backwards?" "But what in the Arise canon made the .jpegs lethal?" - and the discussion about the mysterious nature of the .jpeg's in general.
  • "YOU'RE NOT LOGGED IIIINNNN"
  • At one point, slowbeef accidentally tabs out of the game (briefly after talking about having done so earlier and losing as a result), and makes it back just in time to save himself. His and Diabetus' reactions to this are priceless.
• Arise Minus JPEGs — Let's Start the Bidding at $2: The RP of Lechuza: their reactions to the protagonist's◊ Nightmare Face, the rampant GIS Syndrome and Slowbeef's continued lamentation that he paid for this game. Twice (for the iPad and the Mac):
  slowbeef: [at the start of the credits] And that's two dollars down the dra... I mean, Lechuza.
  ...
  slowbeef: [on the "Graphics" credits] This is kind of bullshit by the way. Like pretty much every art asset in this game was ripped off!
  Diabetus: Thought just the Google logo would be under the "Graphics" part.
  • Diabetus being startled by the character's face. Three times.
  Diabetus: And that's the main character you said, not a monster?
  • Diabetus's comment upon seeing an oversaturated image of the main character.
  Diabetus: Holy shit! Were you lying out on the beach for 4 days?
• The Arrival in Hell Retsufrash is one long string of these, with them mocking the terrible animation and art, the awful voice acting, the rampant typos, and the confusing puzzles.
  • During the first video, the duo break down in laughter upon the first sight of the prisoner's hilarious walk cycle.
  slowbeef: *laughing* I know, isn't that great? He's just strolling around!
  Diabetus: Strolling like he's constipated. When was the last time you went, son?
  • The dialogue puzzle for the deodorant can.
  • Any time Diabetus breaks out his 'happy little prisoner' voice.
  Diabetus: Hum doo dee doo, whistle while you're in prison!
  • Slowbeef calling the insane prisoner "Cornholio".
  • At one point, the prisoner has to chop off a guard's hand to fool a hand scanner. After he initially refused to use the blade on the guard's body, slowbeef clicks on the guard's hand, at which point he chops off the hand and flashes a Slasher Smile at the camera.
  slowbeef: "What do you take me for? Ooh, a hand!"
  • Whenever the protagonist tries using the hand scanner, the text goes outside the LCD, causing the duo to crack up the first time.
  • After entering the security office, the prisoner refuses to take a box of matches because they belong to the prison guard. Note that this is immediately after the aforementioned hand puzzle, and not ten minutes before the prisoner deliberately kills another prisoner.
  Diabetus: Well, if you're against murder, and you're against petty theft, why are you here?
  • At the beginning of Arrival in Hell 2, the prisoner gets caught in an explosion, leaving him with a hilariously badly drawn wound on his back. slowbeef and Diabetus make jokes about it for the rest of the riff.
  • At the very end of the Arrival In Hell 2 RF, slowbeef and Diabetus discover Newgrounds' Hentai stash:
  slowbeef: Let's see... "Users who liked this also enjoyed Meet'N'Fuck Kingdom."
  Both: [Cracking up]
  Diabetus: That's what they call Newgrounds meetings, where, like, people come to be together in one place.
  slowbeef: Oh g- "Meet'N'Fuck Kingdom!" That's actually the staff meeting that Magda and Kalango got together at. Fucking...
  Diabetus: It's, uh, one of the lesser known Disney attractions.
  slowbeef: Wait a minute, wait a minute... "Bowser & Peach (Hentai)," and, oh look, then there's "Dental Appointment!"
  Diabetus: Well, these guys like to meet 'n' fuck and they like really gross shit but they keep their hygiene.
  slowbeef: Right, yeah, you know?
  Diabetus: I mean, they're not totally disgusting.
  slowbeef: "I'm gonna do Princess Peach, I'm gonna need some toothpaste."
  Diabetus: They like "Professor Layton pt. 6"?
• A Horror Game. Video. Thing. Game-thing. Look I don't know., their riff on Black Out, a low quality horror "game" on Newgrounds with less gameplay than Plumbers Don't Wear Ties, extremely poor video quality, Jigsaw with laryngitis, people in cheap Halloween costumes, incorrect choices that consist of long scenes of the main character walking before he's suddenly killed, and an all-so original twist, clearly added at the last minute after everything else was done, that you're the "real" killer.
  Slowbeef: Wait, was that a shadow of a guy with his thumb up?
  Diabetus: You can see sings—things?
  Slowbeef: I think it's more like a magic eye picture...
  Diabetus: [chuckles] Okay.
  Slowbeef: Oh wait, is that a car?
  Diabetus: I see a crappy game, when I look at it hard enough.
• Bloody Rage 2: The Adventures of Spider-Obama has slowbeef^note alongside TieTuesday and Ironicus just having a blast at the absurdity of the Flash game Bloody Rage 2, tearing through the game as Barack Obama wearing a Spider-Man mask and slapping people in the stomach with his hand.
  • "So this is what a death panel looks like..."
  • While fighting Piccolo, Slowbeef notices that Obama shouts something when doing a super move.
    Obama: Stimulus Package!
    slowbeef: I couldn't hear what was said over the spin kick, but it sounded like Obama said "Give me a package!" in exactly the voice I just did.
    Ironicus: It's Piccolo, not your UPS Driver. What are you thinking?
    slowbeef: I think it's Piccolo's like part-time job.
  • "Is that Hulk Hogan?"
• Braidple Story, which makes fun of an art game that rips off The Company of Myself and uses MapleStory sprites, of all things. It also features the narrator acting increasingly creepy about a girl he likes (to the point where she tells him to back off at the end), and some of the most obtuse and tedious puzzle design in the history of gaming.
  • What stands out, though, is the intro, wherein the game's host site (gameark.com) is advertised with a happy giraffe surfing on the ark. Said giraffe remains in the upper-left corner of the game itself, prompting several goofy voices from Diabetus.
    • The giraffe icon also moves when you move your mouse pointer over it. This is noticeable several times throughout the video, but the RPers only notice it at the end, and crack up.
• Car Escape, a series of escape-the-room style adventure games centered around escaping cars, all written in horribly broken English.
  • The protagonist seems ridiculously happy about solving stupid puzzles to escape, and later on, the duo wonder if he has a fetish for getting locked inside cars given how often it happens.
  • In the second episode, the goons get a pretty good chuckle out of the game misspelling "activated/active".
    "Bomb actived"
  • The fourth episode takes place in a Super 8 motel immediately after escaping the third vehicle. The protagonist finds himself locked in his room and the desk phone missing and scattered around the room. Where is the phone base? Under his pillow.
  • Episode 11 has the big payoff slowbeef promised: the protagonist's best friend Mike is actually a drug dealer working for Heisenberg. Yes, that Heisenberg.
• Colour My Something, a riff on Colour My World. The flash itself is pretty funny, but what stands out is the end.
  slowbeef: In this monochrome world, I will search the depths of the earth and the limitless skies for you. Alternate title - I didn't get you a Valentine's Day present. [laughter] I see right through you, Silver Stitch!
  • When Diabetus reads one of the reviews:
  Diabetus: [reading a review] I feel sad...it was a good game but now I want a girlfriend. Nine out of ten!
  slowbeef: [splitting his sides] So wait a minute, wait a minute, if he had the girlfriend, would that have gotten him a ten?!
  Diabetus: I guess so. 'If my loneliness wasn't crushing my very soul, I would give you a perfect score, sir, but as it stands I can only give you an almost perfect!'
• Dead Space (this game has lots of it), a riff on a particularly bad Exmortis clone.
  • At the end, a final Jump Scare pops up and actually seems to catch slowbeef by surprise, before he cracks up.
• Death Trap. The flash game was already hilariously awful, but these guys know how to amplify the humor.
  • slowbeef's continuous incredulity at how utterly un-terrifying the house - made up mostly of stock 3D renderings of fashionably furnished modern rooms - is.
  slowbeef: We're serving dinner for six here in the Death Trap!
  • "My God. I've been missing for days."
    • "Let me go, you motherfucker."
  • The fireplace room, full stop. Another 3D rendered room, with a cheesy looping GIF of a fire crudely stuck over the top at the wrong angle and cropped so that the bottom of the fire leaks over to the top of the image, accompanied by a very loud crackling noise.
  [stunned silence]
  slowbeef: Erm... what's wrong with this picture?
  Diabetus: The fireplace is a typewriter?
  • "Wait... 2006 was only one week long?"
  • Near the end, the duo are given a pair of coffee cups to choose from, one of which has "the taste of death." When the protagonist picks the wrong cup, he makes a bizarre noise that sounds less like a death rattle and more like constipated groans.
  Diabetus: You chose the cup of kidney stone, I see.
• Death Row: A bizarre Tamagotchi-like flash game starring a death row inmate. After playing Hangman with the inmate, tying him to a bed, and making him do prison work, they feed him ice cream and somehow kill him by doing so.
  • Mr. DJB provides this gem while slowbeef plays Hangman with the prisoner.
  Mr. DJB: You are going to lose at Hangman to a man who is going to be hanged! Goddammit!
  • The inmate sleepwalking on the bed at the end of the first day.
• The Exmortis Trilogy - Why Being a Homeowner Sucks has many hilarious moments. Constant riffing on the excessive journals (which cause Diabetus to sincerely suggest Ben Leffler simply become a writer), incredibly bad pop scares, and confusing puzzles.
  • Slowbeef's opening comments on the first Exmortis.
  Slowbeef: I actually played this years ago, and I remember it not being too bad, unless...
  Diabetus: Unless Leffler Web Design says differently.
  Slowbeef: Unless he let me down.
  *Jump Scare*
  Slowbeef: Okay, well, that's already bad.
  • The goons' reaction to an incredibly long journal (around 50 pages long) in Exmortis II.
  slowbeef: Oh no, another book.
  Diabetus: Oh, for fuck's sake.
  [the longplayer begins to slowly flip through the book]
  slowbeef: "I guess I got myself a new diary to use" is the only sentence I read from this whole thing, because, you— this is almost a joke how long this is.
  [the longplayer flips through the book much more quickly]
  slowbeef: Look at this!
  Diabetus: Wow.
  slowbeef: Look at this!
  Diabetus: "You did read the necessary literature before you played Exmortis II, correct?"
  slowbeef: I had some down time before we could do this video.
  [the longplayer finally gets to the last page]
  slowbeef: I started reading it, but I was like "this is fucking ridiculous, I can't."
  • When the longplayer looks at a newspaper article with the headline: "Nuke Fails to Stop Exmortis".
  Diabetus: So they tried to nuke a floating mask guy?
  slowbeef: I don't know what Exmortis is. 'Cause in the first game they talked about it being a cult, which I don't know why they'd use nukes on.
  Diabetus: Well, wasn't he the Andross-looking thing at the end of the first game?
  • Slowbeef's repeated troubles with the pronunciation of Lord Vlaew.
  • The ending pop scare:
  slowbeef: (Vlaew keeps droning on) Okay, enough with the compliments... Okay, and then the gift is a pop scare, by the way.
  Diabetus: Seriously?
  slowbeef: Yes, seriously.
  Diabetus: Now, have this jpeg.
  (Vlaew flies toward the screen and the player character screams as both goons snicker)
  slowbeef: Ozzy Osbourne, why?
  • While going through the reviews, slowbeef spots one where the rater writes their own ending:
  slowbeef: Okay, there's a little fanfiction right above that. (reads out the fic) So, this guy just wrote his own ending for this crappy flash game where he lived.
  Diabetus: As he says: "None tricks me".
  • The third game is being sold for $20. The kicker is that the longplayer had to get stoned to buy the thing.
  • "LEAD PENCIL!"
  • The Scavenger's ridiculous traps in part 2, which are a crossbow trap rigged up in a women's bathroom stall, a tripwire that somehow triggers a train car, and a Simon Says Minigame that drops you into a spike pit if you fail.
  • In the third game, Slowbeef and Diabetus point out the ridiculousness of all the Scare Chord use, and completely lose it when one happens as the Longplayer draws back some curtains.
  • The insane amount of achievements in Exmortis 3 gets some laughs as well.
  • Part 3 of the Exmortis 3 riff features the main character receiving a vision of his house, accompanied by another out-of-place scare chord.
  Diabetus: You've played this far, but are you ready for [shouting] real estate?!
  • Part 4 features the final fight with Lord Vlaew where all he does is throw rocks at the player, leading to a hurricane of jokes about his actual power.
  • The ending shows off the protagonist's awkward walk cycle which Diabetus attributes to needing to use the toilet, while slowbeef thinks different:
    "Oh, Mr. Hannay's the QWOP guy all along!"
• Flash vs. Jason. A Friday the 13th fan game starts out genuinely kind of creepy, exploring Camp Crystal Lake...and then Jason shows up.
  • The second time Jason shows up, it actually causes Diabetus to choke on what he was drinking at the time.
  • Both times the player uses an in-game terminal, he tries to get it to run "bettergame".
• French Dip, their Retsufrash of Jack French, a poorly drawn, badly voice acted "mystery" game with No Ending. Diabetus and slowbeef have a field day.
  • Apparently, one of the people who played the game had some trouble with a certain puzzle...
  Windsong-Springheart: The only problem I had was the briefcase code. What the hell is it? If you're gonna have the briefcase, have the code set in so we don't have to go through millions of combinations. Other than that, I really do love your game!
  (slowbeef and Diabetus laugh)
  slowbeef: He just sat there clicking!
  Diabetus: Besides having to go through thousands of combos...
  slowbeef: (as Windsong) I sat there in the hopes of seeing that Sandra girl's boobs, and I was not disappointed!
• Friday the Resident Evil teenth takes on "Resident Evil Escape", a "haunting tale based in a deserted Scottish town". A game that claims to take inspiration from Resident Evil, but seems closer to being based on vague memories of playing the original game as a child back when it first came out and having completely missed every single development in the series since then, as the creator seems convinced that Resident Evil is some sort of supernatural-horror story where the zombies are a distant secondary concern to a Michael Myers-esque slasher villain in a mask who murders everyone for no defined reason and can teleport on command. And, of course, a game where Failure Is the Only Option (the player character seeks shelter from a sudden rainstorm, gets stabbed to death by the villain before they can react, and roll credits) has the gall to ask whether you can "stop the horror" in a sequel that, presumably, will never be made.
• Godlimations' Zombie Inglor: World Record Speedrun, a bizarre RPG that tries to get through everything as fast as possible and features Dan McNeely and Dialla as characters. It's fairly low-key, but part one has a great payoff when the player brings up the character's wristwatch during a particularly long cutscene.
  • Their reactions to the game's dreadful art, even by Godlimations' standards.
  • The player is generally amusing, often pulling his gun on characters during cutscenes and doing things as if he's communicating to the group.
  • Time passes so quickly that it's possible for an entire day to go by during one conversation. The creator also tries to stuff all the subtitles into one box on the screen, no matter the length of the dialogue, resulting in entire paragraphs being rendered nearly unreadably small, as Proteus is quick to point out.
  Proteus: Can we talk to this guy about subtitling your shit?
  • Near the end of part one, Slowbeef attempts to tell the other goons what Godlimations' tagline^note "The Lord's Animation Be Done!" is, but is constantly interrupted as Proteus demands that a Wikipedia page be made for them and Diabetus asks if it's "five out of five". He finally gets it on his sixth try.
  • Diabetus points out that Godlimations must have a pretty low view of the players, since the controls are constantly onscreen.
  • Their reaction to the ridiculously long fight against Disaster, which ends with the game glitching out and denying the longplayer access to the reward.
  • slowbeef reading the penultimate review, a lengthy tirade from a reviewer with a holier-than-thou attitude concerning programming, only to be interrupted by Proteus, who points out that this guy either made a typo or claims that he has a computer and cellphone both with access to 768GB of RAM each. The review was written in 2007. Proteus's 2014 computer, in comparison, only has a paltry 6GB of RAM.
• Zap Dramatic's "How to Get out of Speeding Tickets" and "How to Get a Raise" feature some of the worst advice of all time, but the real gold comes when the latter video goes completely off the rails:
  Talking Mouse: Psst! There's a woman taking off her clothes behind you!
  (player looks behind him to see a woman stripping until she shows a nipple...then morphs into the cop from the speeding ticket video)
  Cop: All right, pervert! You're coming with me!
  • How To Woo The Homeless, featuring a homeless man who looks to be a walking coal mine. The death animation also features him breaking a bottle over your head, followed by a few extremely confusing and apparently symbolic graphics.
  Diabetus: Wait, did he go into our soul?

  • "Here's my giant fork."
  • "How Not To Get Killed At Your Local Pub" features a very bizarre winning animation with the lady that the player talks to and a tape that she puts between her tits.
• Horror Simulator. NOT FOR COWARDS, a game consisting entirely of a stolen scene from The House, an older Newgrounds horror game the duo had already covered. The "creator" just added an intro and warnings rife with spelling errors, and a self-congratulatory farewell upon completing the scene which claims that it will have scared the player so much that it isn't a game anymore.
  slowbeef: I mean, I agree that it wasn't a game...
• Inculcation: (n) TOTAL FEAR, a very poor "horror" game.
  • The enemies in the game are very odd. They appear to be in the shape of a human, but filled in with scribbled red lines on a brown background, that seem to move around randomly even when the enemy is standing still (slowbeef refuses to even call it a texture). The animation is also incredibly choppy, to the point where slowbeef has a difficult time telling which animation indicates they're moving, and which indicates they're falling down. The quality of the art is kindergarten-level. Upon seeing one of these enemies for the first time:
  slowbeef and Diabetus: [laughter]
  slowbeef: Come on! [laughter]
  Diabetus: Well, uh...
  slowbeef: [continues laughing]
  Diabetus: Did you mean the enemy was fast, or his atoms were fast?
  slowbeef: [laughs harder]
  slowbeef and Diabetus: [chuckling]
  slowbeef: Oh no, it's, it's, it, it's Slender Man's cousin, Scribble Man!
  Diabetus: [laughter]
  slowbeef: Uh...
  Diabetus: Well now I can see why you should have the lights off when you play this.
  slowbeef: [laughter] Another recommendation: "Don't really look at it while you're playing, just keep your eyes unfocused."
  Diabetus: "We recommend you try not to laugh as you play this horror game."
  • At one point, an enemy jumps out of a closet while the player tries to pick a lock with a pin. The goons had fun with the sudden whiplash.
• I Lied Before, Retsufrash Is Now Art has slowbeef and Diabetus checking out Loved, mocking it for its "artsy" nature.

Retsufrashes K-Z

• Mass Erect, another dive into the Meet N' Fuck series, has their guest commentator Mr. DJB insert various clips from different sci-fi series to censor the sex scenes: Kirk and Spock fighting, Rimmer being beaten with a metal pipe, Mal kicking a thug into a running turbine, the destruction of the Death Star, the confrontation of the Daleks and the Cybermen, Picard flipping out (which Mr. DJB claims fit perfectly with how he felt about the game and its userbase at that point), and Obi-Wan's anguished cry about Anakin. And the game's ending, which is censored by pictures of PewDiePie (which is symbolic of rape, according to Mr. DJB).
  • While going through the reviews, slowbeef finds one reviewer who's angry at how repetitive the games are getting and puts in his own suggestions (which seem more like his preferences). At the end, slowbeef, Diabetus and Mr. DJB burst out laughing when they find out that the review had the message "There's some debate, but overall people find this helpful".
  • Diabetus enthusiastically reading aloud a review that merely repeats, and ultimately mangles the spelling of "boner".
  • slowbeef finds a comment saying "OMG this game make my cook steam !!!!" and they spend well over a minute straight laughing about it.
  Diabetus: Is his cock a Tex Avery cartoon?
  slowbeef: You mean his "COOK"!! [laughing]
  Diabetus: ...his "cook" a Tex Avery...
  Mr. DJB: "Cook steam"...
  slowbeef: Yeah!
  Diabetus: "Hey, chef, get in here! Look at this!" "WHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT??!?"
  [everybody cracks up]
  slowbeef: ...MADE HIS COOK STEAM, BUT HE GAVE IT THREE AND A HALF STARS!!!
  Diabetus: Well, some people don't like that sensation.
  slowbeef: I suppose not!
  Diabetus: "I missed dinner because of this game!"
  Mr. DJB: Oh, I only just realized, he means it made his cock steam! I was really confused!
  slowbeef: [cracks up again]
• From their Retsufrash on Metroid Elements: "This Let's Play is brought to you by the letter C!"
  • Moreover:
  slowbeef: Ask me if shinesparking makes an appearance in this game.
  Diabetus: Does shinesparking make an appearance in this game, slowbeef?
  slowbeef: LORD, NO!
  • The first 20 seconds of gameplay:
  slowbeef: WELCOME TO METROID ELEMENTS! [Samus falls into a Bottomless Pit] Oh... there are... One-Hit Kill pits in here...
  • Samus' dying screams:
  slowbeef: What did you think of that fight, Samus?
  [Samus screams]
  slowbeef: I understand.
• And when you're done with that, follow it up with Metroid; Beginings [sic], in which the duo discovers a candidate for the most Obvious Beta ever. You can hear slowbeef going mad reading the Newgrounds reviews.
  Diabetus: 'I like the game but I was playing and I got stuck on a door'. Five stars.
  slowbeef: (cracking up) Five stars!
  Diabetus: I got stuck in a door, this is PERFECT!
  slowbeef: What is the matter with all of you?!
  ...
  slowbeef: 'WELL FOR AS FAR AS I GOT IT WAS GREAT BUT I JUST COULDNT QUITE GET USED TO THE CONTROLS.XD' Five fuckin' stars!
  Diabetus: What is with people mentioning that the game is glitchy, but despite that, it's pretty good? I mean that kinda destroys the whole experience.
  ...
  Diabetus: 'Not bad at all. The first time I played, I couldn't turn around, and got stuck on a wall. So I tried again and was pleased with the platforming and controls. Great job on the graphics too.' Four and a half out of five.
  slowbeef: Wait a minute, can I just repeat those two sentences? I'll reverse them though: "The first time I played, I couldn't turn around, and got stuck on a wall." "Not bad at all." You just said why it was bad!
• Metroid Prime: Corrupted, Upon Samus dying, her silhouette features an...interesting design choice.
  slowbeef: [laughs] Why did Samus wear her G-string to the Fulpian Research Institute?
  Diabetus: Well, you know, she hasn't done her laundry in a while...
• MOO- Achievement Unlocked -N is so named because the game really does go completely overboard with achievements considering its extreme linearity - slowbeef seriously keeps getting achievements for such basic accomplishments as reading a single conversation or traversing a whole two screens.
  • Lagoman mentions a good point someone in the stream chat brought up - not only does the moon base the player character resides in have a Self-Destruct Mechanism for no reason whatsoever, but it being triggered locks the only door out.
• One Night at Woody's. A Five Nights at Freddy's clone with Woody from Toy Story, and it's done with pictures and weak screams. Highlights include the jump scare itself, which is just Woody turning his head to the player, Slowbeef somehow losing when the camera is focusing on Woody, and the jump scare when they purposely let the power run out, a dark eyed Woody with really poor artifacting. He kind of looks like Hentai Woody too.
  • At one point he decides to just keep the camera on Woody while he's on stage. He dies anyway.
  AndyAML: Remember the part in Toy Story where Woody turned out to be an extradimensional being occupying multiple spaces of reality simultaneously?
• Paradigm Shift: It's Like Arise with GIFs, a Steam game that looks half a step above the regular Newgrounds point-and-click horror fare (it is, in fact, a flash game published on Steam for... some reason). Really, the entire 30 minutes is gold. Highlights include:
  • Diabetus' "battery voice", prompted by the battery item being drawn in such a way it appears to have an incredibly goofy smiling face.
  • The duo's reaction to the protagonist's girlfriend's face, which they declare the scariest jump-scare in the game yet, and which later leads Diabetus to conclude that the alternative ending (where the protagonist just flees town, leaving the virus to spread further out) is better than the normal one (where the protagonist calls in a cruise missile strike first, which not only eliminates the virus, but also somehow means he reunites with his girlfriend while escaping) because it means the protagonist is together with Battery and not his nightmare-face girlfriend.
  • After completing the game, the longplayer showcases all the jumpscares in an attack/death reel and the goons snicker and laugh at almost every single one. There's also slowbeef questioning the logic of some zombies killing the player character when they're behind something, such as: a zombie inside a car or a girl behind a door.
  slowbeef: But, we're outside the car!
  Diabetus: I think the zombie was, too.
  slowbeef: Was it? I thought—alright.
  Diabetus: The zombie was the car.
  slowbeef: I see.
  • The ill-thought-out credits, which repeat certain parts, on top of spending multiple minutes hawking the seven or eight songs from the soundtrack - only maybe two of which actually play in-game.
  • When the credits are finally over, the duo express how they feel bad for the longplayer, Bearpigman, for having to not only play the game, but also spend hours figuring out what to do in it.
  slowbeef: He was telling me he was a boxer in real life, so he's kind of used to being punched in the face physically, and now abstractly.
  Diabetus: By being vomited to death by zombies?
  slowbeef: Yeah...
• Real Horror Stories: THIS TOTALLY HAPPENED YOU GUYS slowbeef and Tie Tuesday take on Real Horror Stories, another 30 minutes of Steam-provided pure gold ala Paradigm Shift, provided by Strategy First no less.
  • Barely five seconds into gameplay, the longplayer demonstrates that the tab trick works. On a Steam game. Tie Tuesday's reaction is rather appropriate.
  • The duo are amused by the constant jumpscares, especially the ones involving "Jogger Dave" (a shadow that passes by in the background, then again three seconds later in the foreground at just about every screen; Tie Tuesday calls it less a scare and more a "spooky drive-by" the first time it happens) and the "wee tots."
  • Part 2 is where the puzzles get ridiculous, either amounting to solutionless puzzles not even the developers can be bothered to give a walkthrough on or grating children's games.
  TieTuesday: [notices sizzling lava] Oh, no, Sauron fell over.
  slowbeef: Welcome to Ridiculous Doom.
• Refund, their riff on the Newgrounds animation of the same name.
  • During the opening credits, "N7M6E7" is listed:
    slowbeef: And I guess somebody's license plate did the voices.
  • As the main character removes the top of a pumpkin, the view changes from inside showing a black creature with pointy ears looking upwards.
    Diabetus: So, that's where Batman's been this whole time.
  • The duo criticizing the punchline where the main character asks for a refund on the pumpkin.
    slowbeef: That can't be a joke. That's actually a good reason for a refund. If there's a fucking monster in something you bought.
    Diabetus: I returned something at Target the other day, but I didn't make a flash movie about it.
    slowbeef: Why don't you just put up the text "I was displeased" and save yourself some artwork there.
    Diabetus: My shopping experience was subpar.
  • The duo making fun of the character's dialogue when killing the pumpkin creature.
    Character: Bitch, get the fuck off me! Die, bitch, die! Go to Hell you bitch! Die!
    [....]
    Diabetus: My shopping experience was subpar.
    slowbeef: Bitch.
    Diabetus: Die.
    [....]
    slowbeef: (after reading one of the comments) You're right, bitch.
    [....]
    Diabetus: Here's what you should do in this situation, bitch.
    slowbeef: (snickers) Bitch.
    [....]
    Diabetus: (in a childish voice) Thankies!
    slowbeef: Not even as a joke. Stop it, bitch.
    Diabetus: Just die, bitch, die.
  • One of the commenters says that they almost fell out of their chair.
    Diabetus: Is your chair broken?
  • One of the author's comments is: "Woot! Thankies."
    slowbeef: Who the fuck says "Thankies?" If you say the word "Thankies" even on the internet, you have to hand your penis back to the reassignment center. That's just the law.
• Retsufrash is Art: Diabetus' reaction to the player-character crossing the Despair Event Horizon and committing suicide.
  Diabetus: SPRING BREAK! WOO! ALRIGHT! SIGH!
  • "Sigh..." "Sigh, sigh..."
  • They have a little fun with a moment where text pops up after a certain threshold, but then disappears when the player turns back.
  Katy I'm coming Katy I'm coming Katy I'm coming Katy I'm coming Katy I'm coming
  • The protagonist committing suicide almost immediately following the death of his wife also causes a few laughs - as does the fact that the game tries to paint this as a good thing.
  Diabetus: Wow, we dug that second grave quick.
  Mike: Now they have found the happiness forever.
  slowbeef: (chuckling) "Now they have found"... what?
  Diabetus: (also chuckling) You dick. (slowbeef starts laughing) Y'know, everyone should kill themselves, right?
  (the game suddenly pops up that the player got a medal)
  slowbeef: We got an achievement!
  Diabetus: You got a medal for dyin'! Great work!
• Silent Hill Upskirt Fighter. Really makes slowbeef feel dirty as, controlling Maria, she keeps showing her panties with every kick and jump.
• A Son's Revenge, a little Oedipus-inspired animation. slowbeef and Diabetus end up seriously creeped out.
  • At one point, the son gives his father "pain treatment" - shooting him in the arms. The fact that father barely flinches causes this response:
  Diabetus: (as the father) You shoot like a fag, son.
• For their 1000th episode, slowbeef and Diabetus reviewed Screw Detective, another entry of the infamous Meet N Fuck series. Immediately into the game, the game shows a set of eyes with a dick, a baby picture that kills the mood, and the duo point out the obvious vectoring over the stolen artwork.
  • The reviews go further into hilarity than its predecessors, as well; One review says the game's great but "show less dicks" twice.
  Diabetus: And if you say it one more time, "Great game but show less dicks" will show up in a mirror in your house.
  slowbeef: It'll actually show more dicks.
  • Luis from the Newgrounds staff pops in and calls the game "Great for the intellectual masturbator", which gives the duo a chuckle.
  • And then, the duo run into a set of incredibly long reviews for NG standards. The first one just warrants a crack from slowbeef after Diabetus reads it in a posh tone, but then the second one is so long, it leaves them both speechless.
  slowbeef: What is he, writing the fucking GameFAQ for this?
  • The duo insist on ending on a specific five-star review by one LuqmanHKM, who says "DUDE I can't stop fapping before it ends..." only for the text to gradually scroll up afterwards to another five-star review by another user - "realDonaldTrump".
• The Star Trek games that slowbeef, Tie Tuesday, and General Ironicus look up are worth a laugh coming right after the Bloody Rage games.
  • The Borg Awakens. No, wait..., a TNG-based shooter, greets us with a poorly-drawn, lizard-like Data and his cry of "DESTORY THE HIVE!" After the Borg Cube's been blown up, a more poorly-drawn Geordi stands agape and sheds a tear, leaving the goons in hysterics.
    "THE CAPTIAN [sic] HAS LOST HIS LIFE! (HE WAS ONBOARD THE BORG CUBE)
  • Why Star Trek Is Less Nerdy Than Star Wars has "Drinking With Starfleet," a TNG-based Drinking Game. Highlights include the weird-looking blueshirt at the beginning and Wesley, Worf, and Picard puking endlessly.
    slowbeef: Let's just puke ourselves and see what happens.
    TieTuesday: Yeah, drink-canceling, that's a pretty big thing.
    (slowbeef switches to Picard, who he already beat thirty seconds prior - and he's still vomiting. Everyone cracks up.)
    TieTuesday: "Hey Picard, how's it goin'? It's been twenty minutes!" "Bwooagh!"
    Ironicus: Something could be coming out of the Neutral Zone right now and the whole ship would be incapacitated.
    TieTuesday: Will someone take the captain to the infirmary, please?
    • There's also this cryptic comment in the reviews section:
    "bobby loves watching drinking with starfleet...........just like from the love and sex's movies "good luck chuck" (2007)sex matrix
• There were also a trio of Star Wars flash games covered by slowbeef, Ironicus, and damehasclass, also worth a laugh:
  • Sabermania!!! shows off a game showing what would happen if lightsabers were defictionalized because of Star Wars. Of course, this alternate world where lightsabers are a thing obviously has to start with a disclaimer that all the characters and events are fictional.
    General Ironicus: Shmabraham Lincoln is my original character.
    • slowbeef initially assumes the suspiciously similar-looking character on the main menu is "Blake Skywalker", then sees the character list and learns he's actually "Mike Charger". Ironicus promptly points out that they all look to be pretty great... and then immediately retracts that statement upon catching a glimpse of Emano Emasa, who the group continually refers to as a generic dad. Nevertheless, he quickly grows on them as the "real hero", to the point that slowbeef chooses to play as him, resulting in a Mirror Match as his second brawl.
      slowbeef: I dunno, I'm really good at fighting me, apparently. (laughter from damehasclass) I think, honestly, I should be able to advance no matter what happens here, but... He's just so proud of me while he fights, that's the impression I'm getting. It also looks like I'm always hitting him in the groin, no matter what happens, which is not my intention, but... he's got his lightsaber jockstrap on, so it's all good.
      General Ironicus: I think that's from one of the novels, yeah.
      slowbeef: (laughter) Oh, from The Courtship of Princess Leia, yeah. (slowbeef loses) Oh no!
      damehasclass: Oh, no.
      General Ironicus: Don't beat yourself up about it.
  • A Tasteful, Touching Star Wars September 11th Tribute is a short flash game allowing the player to take revenge on Osama bin Laden for the 9/11 terrorist attacks, a tribute that took a long time to create (release date was September 20th, 2001; Ironicus jokes it was in response to the '93 bombing instead).
    damehasclass: Listen, it can't both be a tribute to a terrible incident and also, an interactive movie that's funny, hope you get a chuckle out of it!
    • For whatever reason, the game allows you to enter your name before actually fighting Osama. slowbeef initially enters his own name, then reconsiders and calls himself "sealteam6" instead. Then after beating the game, the trio is treated to an amazing display of bad spelling, claiming that "You Kicked his TURBIN ASS!" and making a not-at-all-subtle suggestion of doing the same to "Suddam" next (with Osama's corpse in the corner of the screen, blaster rifle that won't stop firing shoved up his ass)... and then comes the qualifier, where the author (appropriately named "razor-bladeWTC") feels the need to state that the phrase "Turbin Ass" is directed only at Osama. As typical for Newgrounds, though, the real gold is in the comments, where so many people complained about the difficulty of an earlier version that they were somehow getting the idea that the author was in favor of terrorism.
  • Star Wars: The Force is Tired Right Now rounds out the trilogy, an extremely simple pre-concept alpha of a rail shooter based on the battle of Endor, with half a dozen stormtroopers that make a fancy walk onto the screen ("the Emperor's finest strut troopers" as Ironicus calls them) and then silently stare at the player, none of them making any attempt to fire back. They also notice that the author's previous release was "kill the village people", to which damehasclass wonders what he has against the Village People since he "clearly" based the stormtroopers' strutting off of them.
• The entire retsufrash of The Trapped Trilogy could count.
  • From Trapped:
    • The Title Drop at the very beginning.
    Character: Why do I feel so...trapped?
    Proteus: Oh, I see what you did there.
    slowbeef: I can't believe they actually did that.
    • The finger puzzle:
    Character: Benjamin...Greunbaum? Is that my name?
    slowbeef: What are you reading? Look there's a fucking finger in your wallet!
    Proteus: No shit! I mean, like, 'oh, let me read this before I happen to look slightly to my left and notice, A FINGER!'
    Character: I noticed a finger in my wallet. That is disgusting!
    Proteus: And it's slightly nauseating.
    ...
    Character: It was the finger I found in the wallet. It felt heavier than a normal finger.
    slowbeef: Oh, a heavy finger. I know what to do with that. We burn it!
    Character: Very interesting. As I burned the skin off the finger, I found a metal piece. The finger was artificial.
    Proteus: [laughing] You-you couldn't just peel the flesh back or something, you had to burn flesh! Was it still bloody, I mean, what?
    • "Why is she pulsating? Why is she fucking pulsating?!"
    • Slowbeef's reaction to finding a dead guy in the air vent, followed by the protagonist trying to call out to the corpse.
    • The protagonist accidentally forgetting about the maid standing next to him and locking her in the room to face the gunman! Cue the sound of machine-gun fire and the laughter of two astonished Retsupuraers!
  • From Pursuit:
    • "DABOMB?! DABOMB with a Jesus fish? What the fuck does this even mean?"
    • "Did you just pocketknife through a concrete wall!?"
    • Dialla gets locked inside a car, and has to disassemble the side panel to get out. Proteus is so dumbstruck that he's reduced to Angrish for the better part of a minute.
    • Their reaction to the fishing rod puzzle.
    slowbeef: Let's see...we have a rope. What can we combine that with to make a fishing rod?
    Proteus: The banana!
    slowbeef: [chuckles] Ummm...
    Proteus: Is it really the banana? Please tell me it's the banana!
    slowbeef: It's the banana!
    Proteus: Oh my God! Is it really the banana?
    slowbeef: Yeah! [combines rope and glue] We have a gluey rope and now we're going to glue a banana onto it!
    Proteus: Oh my God! We're going to use a banana! You know what strikes me as something we could have used? The screwdriver...that we just threw away for some fuckin' reason.
    slowbeef: [Combines "gluey rope" with the banana] There, now we've got a-
    Proteus: That doesn't even-what the fuck?
    slowbeef: Wait, but that's not enough-it's not a fishing rod yet.
    Proteus: It certainly is not a fishing rod, I'm not gonna lie.
    slowbeef: Now we need to add a pocketknife to it, to make it a real fishing rod.
    Proteus: This is the worst fishing rod!
    slowbeef: [Combines pocketknife with "gluey banana rope"] Look at how it's combined when it's completed now!
    Proteus: You're going to get some sort of retard dopefish to grab this thing! I mean, what kind of an idiot...
    slowbeef: Look at it! [uses fishing rod, fish instantly appears in inventory] And then we just have a fish!
    [The two of them laugh for a few minutes]
    slowbeef: Now, I think maybe that might be my favorite part of the series, really, but let's see what the old man says when we feed the cat.
    Old man: Why thank you young lady, I have no use for this blowtorch of mine. It's empty, though. Here, take it!
    [slowbeef and Proteus erupt into hysterics]
    Proteus: WHAT?! WHAT?!
    slowbeef: He gives her...an empty blowtorch!! ...for a fish!!
    Proteus: You know, I was gonna say 'We just used six inventory items to get that fish. It better be a goddamned good reward!' I was not expecting that as our reward! That was worth it!
  • From Escape:
    • "Oh, god. Literally. Oh God."
    • "Oh yeah, I found this very rare, very expensive gold coin. I'm gonna use it to unscrew a toilet lid."
    • The reaction to the sink puzzle and how the room immediately floods.
    Dialla: (annoyed) Now I have the water overflowing. Great.
    Proteus: You just did that! Why are you bitching about it? You just did it! It's like me punching myself in the nuts and then going, "God dammit! I just punched myself in the nuts!"
    • At one point, Dialla has to use a gang member's ID card to open a door. However, the card has expired, and the keycard revalidation slot is located inside another prisoner's cell.
    • "Let her go, Whitey, you can't have her!" "WHITEY!"
    • Jason falling into the flooded room with a big splash akin to a river or lake.
    • The reaction to the big twist:
    McNeely: In fact, you are the leader of Armor Gamsees itself!
    Proteus: WHAT?!!
    Dialla: But... how is that possible?
    Proteus: Yeah, how IS that even possible?!
    • Their reaction to the stinger where McNeely lights a match and reveals he's still alive in the safe.
    Proteus: Gotta burn that finger!
    • By the final aftermath the goons can barely even express their disbelief at how ridiculous the whole trilogy was:
    Proteus: Are you fu-? Y- The- Wh- ...What-what was that?
    ...
    slowbeef: If I touch this little pinprick of light, oh look! A slot in the wall with evidence! That's where they hide their evidence. In a folder marked evidence!
    Proteus: All_the_bad_things_I_did.txt!
• Quest for Glory - As part of the finale of Retsublitz and their 500th video, Diabetus and slowbeef finally take on Meet N'Fuck Kingdom...or more accurately, the people that actually played and reviewed the game. Special guest appearance by Rock Knight!
  "this is my fav meet'n'fuck ever and my cock is huge"
  slowbeef: I can think of half the information that was necessary for that review.
  ...
  "this game made me hard so bad [2.5/5 stars]"
  slowbeef: *laughing* Two and a half stars!!
  Diabetus: I mean, does he not like getting hard? "This game made me hard so bad, GODDAMMIT! I HATE BEING HARD!"
  ...
  "GOOD. IT LACKS REALITY."
  Diabetus: Well, no shit!
  slowbeef: What the fuck are we looking at?
  Diabetus: "Something does not seem right about this dating sim!"
  slowbeef: "Huh, this woman's eyes take up like thirty percent of her head. What's wrong here?"
  Diabetus: "I tell girl in real life to suck cock, she does not, why?"
  slowbeef: That girl in the middle, her head could fit twice over in one of her boobs, like yes, of course it is not fucking reality!
  ...
  "Bug Report: Whilst at the taverns, if you click 'cum' and click/hold the female's breasts, the cursor will disappear completely."
  slowbeef: Whilst?! "Forsooth, I've found a bug!"
  Diabetus: "I say, this dame's love melons doth make my penile cursor vanish!"
  slowbeef: "Whilst engaging in yon minigame, I found I blew my load twice over!"
  Diabetus: "Whilst crying my lube onto my dry hands, I did notice an issue!"
  ...
  "good that is great haha my lptop [sic] is full of cum"
  slowbeef: *in hysterics* How is that great?!
  Diabetus: Full? How are you typing that? How is your laptop working?
  slowbeef: You just fucked up your laptop!
  ...
  "Boner! I got a boner on every woman and beat it. I LOVE THIS FUCKING GAME!!!"
  "Best Ending! if only it where real life"
  • At the beginning, they discuss the different Meet'N'Fuck games and the genres they belong to. At the end, slowbeef finds one called Meet'N'Fuck Star Mission. His reaction is priceless.
    slowbeef: I got [a related game called] "Hentai Bliss RPG Two" and "Hentai Bliss RPG."
    Diabetus: I got "Hentai Bliss RPG Four." Four.
  • At some point, Diabetus tries to read the next review, but immediately dissolves into laughter with slowbeef before he can continue.
• Wanna Dance with Kim?!: slowbeef looks at a rather long review on a Newgrounds flash, and then turns it into a creepypasta reading.
• Where's My Family?: One can only hope that the entire game was Stylistic Suck.
  • Just before the game, they see this Allstate ad.
  Diabetus: ALLSTATE, WHY? WHYYYYYY??? ALLSTATE, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME??
  • The poorly drawn kitchen with an even more poorly drawn decapitated mother.
  slowbeef: There's also a foot and, like, a giant evil sock menacingly looking over there.
  Diabetus: I mean, really anything in this room could be mother.
  • Dad! What's that on the wall?
  Sara: More importantly, have you been hurt?
  • But the crowning moment of this Retsufrash is the note from the murderer, which causes everyone in the stream to collapse in laughter for over a minute.
  lol ur familys dead.
  #faget
  wanna hook up later?
  I mean after the funeral.
  call me 021360023
  -Murderer

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