Wash: That was the worst throw ever. Of all time.Every episode of Red vs. Blue has a Crowning Moment of Funny. These are the best ones. Warning: Each folder will contain unmarked spoilers for the previous seasons.
Caboose: Not my fault. Someone put a wall in my way.
Caboose: Not my fault. Someone put a wall in my way.
open/close all folders
Episode 1: Why Are We Here?
- The joke that started it all, "Hey. You ever wonder why we're here?"
Grif: That's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Why are we here? Are we the product of some cosmic coincidence? Or is there a God who created us... with a plan. I dunno, but the thought keeps me up at night, man.
Simmons: ...What? I meant, why are we out here, in this canyon?
- Simmons pointing out the pure Fridge Logic of the capture the flag in Blood Gulch.
Simmons: Even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, that means they'd have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop-de-fucking-do.
- When Tucker asks Church what the Reds are doing, Church goes into a rant that the Reds are just standing around and talking; That's what they've done, it's what they're doing, and it's what they'll ever do.
Tucker: ...What are they talking about?
Church: ...Y'know what? I fucking hate you.
- The iconic Warthog/Puma exchange, but also Sarge's casual threats to kill Grif:
Sarge: Goddamn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!
Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
- The best part of that bit is how willing Simmons is to comply:
Simmons: Oh, I'll do it, sir!
- There's also Sarge's extremely sarcastic confirmation of Grif's questioning that the war is over.
Sarge: That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor! I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!
- In the middle of that, there is:
Sarge: See these tow hooks? They look like tusks. Now what kind of animal has tusks?
Grif: A walrus.
Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?
- This legendary exchange between Tucker and Church after the Reds get the Warthog/Puma/Chupathingy:
Tucker: You can't pick up chicks in a tank.
Church: Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldn't you? We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks- what chicks are we gonna pick up, man?! And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?
- Donut's Comically Missing the Point moment.
Donut: Elbow grease? How stupid do they think I am? As soon I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm talking to the sergeant.
- For that matter, headlight fluid.
- This exchange after Grif and Simmons send Donut on his Snipe Hunt;
Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?
Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around the cliff for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?
(Cut to Donut outside of Blue Base)
Donut: Finally! There it is. Oh, sweet! They sell tanks!
- Caboose's antics with Sheila the tank.
Caboose Hello, Sheila... big... tank lady.
- At one point, Caboose steers the tank up onto a rock.
Caboose: Why are there six pedals when there are only four directions?!
- Tucker's reaction to Caboose's first team-kill.
Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
- Church and Tucker's last words.
Church: I just wanted you to know. I always hated you. I always hated you the most.
Tucker: I know. Now shut up and die, you prick.
- This discussion as Sheila continuously shoots the Warthog:
Tucker: Why do you keep shooting the jeep?
Caboose: Because it's locked on!
Tucker: Well, unlock it!
Caboose: Last time I unlocked it, I killed Church!
Tucker: ...oh. Keep shooting the jeep, then.
- And then, after Sarge's air strike destroys Sheila;
Caboose: NOOOOOO! SHEILAAAA!
Tucker: No! Sheila! SHEILA! Wait... Who's Sheila?
Caboose: Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend.
Tucker: Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!
- Our introduction to Vic:
Tucker: Hello, Command! We need help!
Vic: Roger that, Blood Gulch. What is your request?
Tucker: I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but, uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!
Vic: Dude. How long have you guys been down there for?
- Church is telling a story of his experience of being terrorized by Tex on the ice planet Sidewinder:
Church: Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across he base, when all of a sudden, he just started screaming bloody murder.
(Private Mickey seen spinning around shooting the ground wildly in the background)
Private Mickey: Bloody murder! Bloody murder!
Church: Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up behind him, pulled Jimmy's skull out of his head and beat him to death with it.
Tucker: Wait a second. How do you beat someone to death with his own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.
Church: That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.
Jimmy: (While Tex is melee attacking him with the Oddball) This doesn't seem physically possible!
- When Donut makes his legendary grenade throw to kill Tex, there's a shot of everyone watching the bomb arc through the air. Tucker's comment? "That girl's got a really good arm."
Episode 20: Everything Old Is New Again
- When Doc is introducing himself:
Doc: I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on?
Tucker: No, dude, that's a pedophile.
- "I can't believe Church shot me." "Oh, don't even START, Caboose!"
- And right before that:
Doc: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt.
Church:... I see...
(Aims somewhere off-screen, and shoots)
Caboose: Oww! My foot!
Church: Well, looks like Caboose just hurt himself! Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.
Doc: You know, you could have just asked nicely...
- Doc gets his nickname:
Church: Alright, you! Doc! Get over there and help Caboose!
Doc: My name isn't Doc. It's Dufresne.
Church: Yeah. I can't pronounce that. So from now on, it's Doc.
Doc: I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor; I'm a medic.
Tucker: What's the difference?
Doc: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic makes them more comfortable... while they die.
Tucker: Mental note: Don't ever get shot.
- Doc asks Grif the one question any sane man would ponder after being introduced to the Red and Blue teams.
Doc: Do they put something in the water here?
Grif: Water? We ran out of water six months ago.
Doc: No water... Then what do you drink?
Grif: Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy... the usual.
Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies... and occasionally a strawberry Yoo-Hoo.
Grif: But how'd you get out of there?! I tied you up and poured concrete over the grave! Just in case you turned into a zombie!
Sarge: Yes, but you made one crucial mistake: you left me my spoon.
Sarge: That's right! I ate my way out! The soft earth was like a delicious butterscotch brownie to me!
- We open with the Blues conferring;
Tucker: Well, Tex, that was a great story. I especially liked the part about Church getting pantsed in high school.
Church: I found that part to be entirely out of context.
- We see how Caboose views everyone in Blood Gulch, and it's hilarious.
- Mental Church is a Sir Swears Alot that has some funny lines.
- Mental Grif is Yellow (not orange).
- Mental Donut is a female.
Mental Donut: My favorite thing is pretty dresses.
- Mental Sarge has a pirate accent, which Church points out isn't even close to a Southern Accent.
Mental Sarge: Argh, I be having a southern accent, your luck.
- This absolute gem from O'Malley:
O'Malley: They will all taste oblivion! Which tastes just like Red Bull! Which is disgusting.
- "Operation: Circle of Confusion":
Church: All right, get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion.
Tucker: Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
Tucker: I'm just saying, it doesn't look much like a circle. It looks more like we're forming a triangle. Just a side note.
Church: OK, fine. Triangle of Confusion! Rhombus of Terror! Parabola of Mystery! Who cares? Get the goddamn show on the road!
Episode 39: The Best Laid Plans
- The Red vs. Blue Battle, particularly this:
Red Soldier: (is shot) Ah, you fucking camping bitch!
Blue Soldier: (running away) It's a legitimate strategy!
- So funny they turned it into a shirt.
- This bit as well:
Red Soldier 1: Everyone! Everyone! Look unto me! I possess the Blue Flag!
Red Soldier 2: It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!
Red Soldier 1: I have seen the top of the mountain, and you will worship me as though I were a God! (gets ambushed by Blue Soldiers) I regret nothing! I lived as few men dared to dream!
- "My name is Michael J. Caboose. And I. Hate. Babies." As well as his follow-up, "Your toast is burnt. And no amount of scraping will remove the black part."
- When they're trying to get Tex to help with Lopez.
Tucker: Just hire her.
Tucker: Hire her to help you get Lopez back. She'll do anything for money.
Tex: That's not true.
Tucker: It's not? I'll give you ten bucks to tear off Grif's arm.
Tex: Which one's Grif?
- We find out that Caboose is the Dumb Muscle of the group, and that Sarge's advice on lifting is absolutely horrible, culminating in his claim that you shouldn't exhale on every lift - under stress, the body produces all the oxygen it needs!
- "Oh, no! I'm the team-killing fucktard!" "You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!"
- Church is not very good at lying:
Church: I, uh, I need help on a very top secret project, uh, that's very secret. [Beat] And very top.
- Tex staring at Tucker's sword throughout the episode. Her head even follows it as it moves around.
Church: She's been staring at you non-stop since you found that thing.
Tex: [long pause while she keeps staring] That's not true.
Church: You haven't taken your eyes off it.
Tex: Yes, I have.
Church: Then why haven't you looked at me the entire time I've been talking?
Tex: I'm looking at you right now.
Church: No, you're not!
Tex: I've already seen you. Not too impressed.
- What are the Reds up to with their Warthog?
Caboose: They are probably trying to tune in to the distress signal they heard on the radio.
Church: What makes you say that?
Caboose: Oh, I know all the details. They were in their car — THE BOSS HOG — when Simmons heard a distress signal on the radio! And Gruff was in the backseat. With a monkey.
Tucker: Hmm, I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that some of that is wrong.
Church: How do you know all this, Caboose?
Caboose: Andy told me.
Church: Andy? Who's Andy? (turns to Tucker) Are you... are you Andy?
Tucker: I'm not Andy, I'm Tucker.
Church: No— I know! What's your first name?
Church: Lavernius? Well then, who's this Andy c— Wait a minute. (to Tucker) ...Are you black?
Tucker: Does it matter?
Church: No. ...I'm just curious.
Tucker: Well, if it doesn't matter, then why are you curious?
Church: I don't know! I guess... that's just something I should have picked up on after all this time.
Tucker: You know what else you should have picked up on? My fucking first name!
- Grif is sent to distract the Blues, and finds them gathered around Andy and trying to calm him down.
Caboose: You are in a cool river, where no one disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.
Tex: Breathe in through your nose (takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (takes a breath), and out through the mouth.
Church: Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?
[Grif quietly backs out]
Simmons: What're you doing back so soon? That was the shortest distraction of all time.
Sarge: What's wrong? What were the Blues doing?
Grif: You know? I can honestly say I have no idea what I just saw. Can I quit the army now? Seriously, I think I've seen everything I need to see at this point.
- While Tex is talking about the things she does when she's mad (long story), Tucker and Caboose add this little gem:
Tucker: Also, mention that you like to punch people when they sleep.
Caboose: (devastated) That was you?! (about to cry) I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me.
- O'Malley, with his robot army complete, launches war on the Reds and Blues! Except, because Lopez was asked for an army that will bring a day of victory, he made the robots incapable of going more than a one mile per hour. Apparently, this will allow O'Malley to win in 24 hours.
Episode 60: Fight or Fright
- After a failed attempt to hunt down the alien ended in a hasty retreat.
Church: You know, we could've taken that alien out if I'd hit him just a few more times.
Tucker: A few more times? How about one time?
Church: Well I think I landed at least two or three shots.
Tucker: Yeah right.
Tex: You didn't hit anything but the wall.
Church: How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards.
Tex: This is a long-range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.
Tucker: Where were you planning on shooting him from, the fucking moon? If you'd backed up any further, you'd have had to mail him the bullets.
- Tucker and Caboose go on a quest with the alien, but before they do, they find out Tex has been looking at the alien's genitals...
Tucker: Let me put it this way - I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword.
Tex: Huh, what? Oh! Uh, yeah, um... I was just admiring his... his alien muscle structure.
Tucker: Yeah, one particular part of his muscle structure.
Tex: Well, that's just a matter of penis— I mean uh, opinion! Opinion! That's... that's what I meant.
Caboose: You told me that was another arm!
Andy: Hey, Caboose! High Five!
Caboose: I don't want to do that anymore...
- This episode has a pretty clever joke from Caboose, of all people, when discussing that perhaps the sword is what's making Tucker ill:
Church: Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him.
Caboose: Or, maybe it runs on solar power!
Church: Wait, no, why would solar power make him sick?
Caboose: ...Is he a republican?
- "Right to Remain Silenced": After Simmons returns to the Red Team, Sarge insists on having a trial to determine what his fate for insubordination and treason should be:
Simmons: We don't even have a judge!
Sarge: Inaffirmative. In my civilian life, I worked as a judge for many years.
Grif: What level? Municipal? Federal?!
Sarge: Livestock. And occasionally agriculture. Now let's find out if Simmons is guilty of treason — or best in breed!
- Later on:
Grif: Look, it's only a matter of time before Donut finds out we're having this trial.
Sarge: I'm listening.
Grif: Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff, and that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts.
Simmons: Ugh. Officer Hotpants.
Grif: Exactly. And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party.
Simmons: (scene switches to Halo 1 engine) Oh my God, that cake is huge! It's big enough to fit a person in it.
Grif: Why does the cake smell like baby oil? OH GOD, WHERE'S DONUT?!
- And then O'Malley negotiating with the Blues.
O'Malley: Huhuhuhuhuhuh oh yes you will. You will or your little friend Tucker will die, die a most horrible death. And you know his blood will be on your hands. Years from now, you'll drive yourself mad wondering if there was anything you could have done to save him, so you will agree to what I want. You will agree even though what I want is something mysterious, what I want is something frightening, what I want is something PUUUUUUUUUURE EEEEEEEEEEVIL, AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! (Beat) I've also been told that a twenty dollar co-pay is pretty much standard.
Church: Alright, fine.
O'Malley: Ha haha, you fool. And we want the twenty dollars up-front.
O'Malley: And in cash.
O'Malley: Ah, you moron. If you had used a credit card, you could have gotten airline miles. Or at least a 30-day grace period with no interest. You FISCALLY irresponsible fools.
Church: Caboose, give me $20. Wait, give me $30.
- O'Malley meets Andy. Things get awkward when Church explains that the bomb was built to kill the villain— whereupon Andy decides to fake an explosion to scare O'Malley.
- In Season 3, Sarge mentioned that he kept the Red Team's plan to destroy the Blue Team in Lopez. When the Reds finally get Lopez (Still reduced to a head) back, the robot relays the plans- in Spanish! And it's not Lopez speaking. It's a recording of Vic speaking Spanish, with a little mustachio'd Vic-head next to the subtitles (Incidentally, the plans are, in essence, "Defeat the enemy and do better than usual").
- When Andy is snatched by the Reds, part of Caboose's spiel is Hilarious in Hindsight if you imagine Michael Bay in Andy's place, especially since neither of them are dead.
Caboose: You had so much to live for. So much exploding to do. Oh God! Who will blow stuff up now!? I don't want to live in a world without exploding!
- Church's pregnant guy rant:
Church: Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, really don't have time for this horse-shit right now!
Grif: ...Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?
Church: HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.
Andy: Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do, they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. Hahaha! But you already knew that, right? Right?
Church: What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!
Andy: Uhh, I mean uhh, alien baby? How could that have happened? I am just as shocked as you are...
Episode 78: You Can't Park Here
- Church calls dibs on a spaceship:
Grif: You can't call dibs on a spaceship. That's ridiculous.
Church: Yes, I can. Dibs. See, I just did it again. Now, get the fuck away from my spaceship, tomato can.
Simmons: Don't call me tomato can.
Grif: Try and take it then.
Church: Um, Ok. Sheila? (camera pans to Sheila the Scorpion)
Sheila: You bet. (points cannon at red team.)
Church: You kinda forgot about that too, didn't you?
Simmons: Yeah, kinda.
Sheila: Now, step away from the ship, you tomato can.
Church: Ha ha. Tomato can.
Sheila: You too, Lemon head.
Grif: Hey, I'm orange, not yellow. (Church continues laughing)
- Sarge goes on a rant about the International system of Dibs and the No-Take-Back Policy. He then proceeds to call next after Church is forced to retreat when Sheila wanders off.
- The epic battle between Church and a voicemail system.
Grif: I bet the Blues don't have to put up with anything this annoying.
Voice-Messaging System: To mark this message as "Urgent", press 11.
Church: THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!
Doc: Oooh, language!
- Tucker and Caboose keep mocking Church for being fat.
- Doc's interactions with Junior, including trying to teach him colors.
Doc Once we learn the colors, we'll figure out why you shouldn't judge people by them.
- Grif's roasting of Sarge at his own funeral:
Grif: And I'm not asking, and he's not telling, but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about glazed Donut holes, if you know what I mean! Hi-yo!
Simmons: Too Soon!
Grif: Hey, now!
- The whole freaking funeral.
Grif: (To Sarge) Is he campaigning for your position at your own funeral? Classy.
- Everything Sister says veers into Crosses the Line Twice territory.
Sister: Well, they say girls can't ejaculate either, but guess what!
- Sister got kicked of the cheerleading team twice for cheering for the wrong team.
- Church tells Tucker to act like everything is normal and not fucked. Tucker has been putting on that act for years.
- Blue team's only rule: "Don't kill the leader". They're still waiting for someone to follow it. Tucker has a different rule;
Tucker: Be cool.
Sister: I thought the only rule was "Don't kill the leader."
Tucker: We break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool!
- Sister mistakes Junior for a dog. Upon being corrected, she says: "Oh, cool. You have a kid that looks like a dog?"
- Sister's comment on Tex after finding out she's a girl.
Sister Oh sorry, she's a badass. She's kind of hot.
- Church figuring out that Gamma has been lying to him throughout the entire series so far.
- Tucker finally gets to hold the sniper rifle...and promptly shoots Tex in the ass. Then he hands it back to Church before Tex gets there to see who shot her.
- Grif is... less than happy with his sister's antics:
Grif (yelling across the canyon): PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! WHAT'S THE ONE THING I TOLD YOU?! DON'T EMBARRASS THE FAMILY!
- Church, Tucker, and Tex are ambushed by Wyoming when they reach Red Base. Church resorts to trying to get backup in the form of Caboose without letting Wyoming know what he's up to.
Caboose: (answers radio) Yes! Hello, evil Church. What can I do for ya?
Church: So Wyoming, you just showed up here and decided to attack us.
Caboose: Uh, my name is Caboooose...
Church: And now you've caught us at gunpoint, and it looks like we're in big trouble.
Caboose: Uh, that doesn't sound like something I would do. I think you have the wrong number.
Church: Here at Red Base. Wyoming. You found us and are holding us prisoner. At the Red base. Wyoming.
Caboose: Ah Red Base no, uh, I'm in the ship. The shiiiip. Sheila, I think O'Malley has driven him crazy, um, he's talking nonsense.
Church: If only someone nearby, someone with access to a tank, somehow knew what was going on and could help us. Someone, for instance, in blue armor. Who somehow knew about the situation, and figured out what the fuck other people were talking about, and tried to fucking help us, and then we would be saved.
Caboose: Yeah, he's definitely crazy.
(cut back to Red Base)
Wyoming: Why do you keep explaining things to me? I understand the situation perfectly. I ambushed you, you're quivering in fear.
Tucker: Yeah, what are you, the narrator now or something?
Church: (still on the radio with Caboose) I just want everyone to be on the same page about Wyoming, ambushing us, at the Red base.
Tucker: We know.
Church: Wyoming. The bad guy.
Tucker: We know!
Church: And we're here at the Red base. Which isn't the Blue base. Or the caves, or the cliffs, or that weird tree, or the windmill.
Tucker: We get it dude, we're standing right here.
Church: Maybe we should take this from the top. Do you wanna write this down?
Wyoming: I think your friend here has lost his marbles.
Church: Red Base. No one is in the State of Wyoming!
- Church's commentary at the end.
- Any part of "Why Were We Here?" involving Omega Body Surfing between various members of the Blood Gulch crew and becoming some kind of comical exaggeration of his victim's various personality quirks.
Infected Simmons: First, I'm going to kill you, and then my plan to be leader of the Reds will be complete! After that I'm going to kill every being in the universe. From now on, everyone will kiss my ass!
(Re)Infected Caboose: I'd love to talk on the radio. What? What am I doing in this idiot?
Infected Donut: That's the problem with living in a patriarchal society, men just automatically assume they know everything. Hahaha!
Infected Sarge: Eat lead, world! Drop and give me infinity!
Infected Grif: Whoa, that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the Universe. Which is odd for me because, well that would take actual work. I think I'll just fall asleep instead. (Grif goes to sleep standing up inside his armor.)
- The fact that the Sister in Caboose's mind is literally the only construct that is totally aware of how completely inaccurate it is. Then the Brick Joke hits when it turns out that he's actually the one version of Church that ended up wearing the yellow armor during the time loop back in Season 3.
- The "Insert Quarter" alternate ending to Episode 100, which reveals the entire series was a game of Halo 2:
Grif: What the fuck was that?
Simmons: That was the weirdest match I've ever played...
Church: Dude, that sucked. I got team-killed in like the first ten seconds!
Caboose: Sorry, that was my fault. Some guy kept screaming into the mic.
Tucker: BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!
Church: Dude, shut up!
Tucker: BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!
Church: Alright, that's it, I'm muting him.
Sarge: Alright, let's play another.
Donut: Dude, I am not wearing that armor again.
Sarge: Same teams?
Church: Yeah, same teams, new map.
All: NEW MAP!
- Fight! Fight! alternate ending had some good moments. For instance:
- Also, Sarge is the first one killed. Then he gets back in the fight, to Tucker's surprise.
Sarge: Aha! Got you, Blues!
Tucker: Sarge? I thought you were dead!
Sarge: I was dead! Doc revived me! (Doc jumps into the shot)
Doc: That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I'll be more than happy to hel- (is shot by Sarge)
Doc: Son of a bitch!
Sarge: Oh, I'm sorry. Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (is shot by Sister)
Sarge: Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!
- The Counselor sends Washington to find the Reds and Blues to get information on Omega. When Wash asks if he should "contact these experts", the Counselor tells him not to call them that. Not because the project is super secret or anything. The term "expert" is just too complimentary.
- Sister is convinced that Washington is a cop, including the urban legend that cops have to admit that they are cops if directly asked. When Wash points out that isn't true, she decides that since he knows that, that means:
- Becomes something of a Running Gag with her coming over to Red Base to make sure that Sarge knows his rights.
- Since Simmons, Grif, and Donut left, Sarge has been left alone to defend the base. He made cardboard cutouts of them to help with defenses, which includes the Grif cutout being riddled with bullet holes and bad imitations of Simmons and Donut.
Wash: Going to try the red base now. I'm hoping things there will be a little more— (cardboard cutout of Donut pops up) ...normal.
- The beatboxing deleted scene.
- Caboose's new team quickly realized he was dangerously incompetent after all their vehicles got set on fire, so they've taken to keeping him tied up in the brig. One of them still ends up dead when they go to get him.
Caboose: He let me out, and then somehow shot himself in the back somehow.
- The soldier in question is a poor soul named Jones, whose teammates keep calling him Joe-a-nes.
- Wash's dawning realization that Caboose is incomprehensibly stupid.
Caboose: Command? Oh no, they never have good news. Did somebody die? Was it my mom, is she dead? Or my dad, did my dad die again? Oh no.
Wash: What is this? I don't...
Miller: Hehe, you see, he's yours now. Hehe, no take-backs!
Caboose: Is it my brother? Was my brother killed? That's it, isn't it, my brother's dead!
Wash: What... no, nothing like that.
Caboose: Oh, good, because I don't even have a brother. H-how sad would it be to not have a brother and to lose a brother all in the same day.
Wash: No one died!
Blue soldier: Jo-annis is dead, sir!
Wash: Okay, no one besides him.
- Wash still needs Caboose, though, because he's the only one with the knowledge and experience to track down Omega.
Washington: And I just realized how ridiculous that sounded once I said it out loud.
- Church and Caboose's "reunion." Complete with the sniper rifle.
Caboose: (while Church shoots at him... and misses) I have missed you so much! It has been so long! Did you miss me?!
Church: Fuck, I missed him!
Caboose: I knew you did!
- Caboose's logic for his Mark V armor being better than Mark VI armor? Five is better than six in a top ten list.
Church: WE'RE NOT A TOP TEN LIST!
- Church's "Man Cannon" ride.
Caboose: Um, I am scared of the thing that I don't know what it is.
Church: Oh, don't be a baby. How bad could it be—(gets launched)—EEEEEE!
(Cut to Church grunting in pain as he comically skids across the ground, hydroplaning across a stream, and finally, landing against a Warthog behind two soldiers.)
Soldier 1: You say something?
Soldier 2: ...What?
Washington: I said "quietly!" What part of "quiet" don't you understand?
Church: What part?! How about the part when I got thrown eighty feet in the fucking air by the GODDAMNED THROWING THING?!
- The conversation that happens when Washington reveals his history with AIs.
Caboose: We have a lot in common, Agent Washington.
Washington: No, we don't.
Washington: And don't ever say that again.
- Made even more amusing in hindsight, after Seasons 9 and 10 reveal the younger Washington pretty much was the Freelancer equivalent of Caboose.
- When Washington, Caboose and Church chase after South Dakota as they all fight off the Meta, Church's plan to get her.
Church: Hey, see that purple one? She's on our team. You should help her.
Caboose: Okay! (fires at South and hits her square in the back) Uhm... she got in the way when I was trying to help her.
Church: Okay, we're good!
- The now infamous grenade scene.
Washington: That was the worst throw ever... of all time.
Caboose: Not my fault. Someone put a wall in my way.
- Delta and Wash agree that South would only hamper their progress, and they're both mad at her anyway, so they shoot her.
Church: You guys are some cold motherfuckers.
Caboose: I just want everyone to know I have no problems walking! And I take full responsibility for the grenade incident.
- In the beginning, we get this gem: (It Makes Sense in Context, but still.)
Washington: I'm not crazy, okay. I'm completely, totally sane. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go blow up this dead body.
- Which leads to a Funny Background Event of Washington disposing of the body. By shooting it several times with a rifle, throwing a grenade on it, burning it with a flamethrower, loading several explosives on it and detonating the explosives. He may have had some issues he was working out there.
- It's revealed that central command has a keyboard shortcut for reporting Caboose's team kills.
- Church complains in front of Delta how the AIs are always yapping and being annoying. To which Delta responds (in his typical superficially emotionless tone), "...I am going to ignore that..."
- Church tries to shoot The Meta, only to miss, bounce off a dozen points (with him and Wash watching the bounces), before clipping Meta's ankle. At which time, Church celebrates the hit.
Church: I got it, yes! Did you see that, what a shot! I'm awesome!
Washington: It only counts if you call it!
Church: Oh, bullshit, dude!
- Simmons is trying to explain to Sarge that Grif is the sergeant. Sarge proves himself physically incapable of comprehending.
- Church's antics with the helmet megaphone.
Washington: (megaphone voice) Red Team. Attention, Red Team. Cease fire. Cease fire.
Church: How do you do that megaphone thing with your voice?
Wash: (regular voice) It's a voice amplifier. It's standard issue, all our suits have one.
Wash: (megaphone voice) We are not your enemy. My name is Agent Washington. I am part of a special task force-
Church: (megaphone voice) Testing, te- holy shit, it does work! This is badass.
Wash: Stop that!
Church: Ah! Don't use that thing right next to me. You're killing my ears, ya douche.
Wash: I am a special agent. From Command!
Church: And this is the voice of God. Give up your evil ways. Join the Blue Team— [Washington punches him] Ow! Hey, come on, seriously, you're gonna break it.
- How Church and Washington ultimately conclude that the Red Team isn't working with the Meta:
Church: Man. It got pretty quiet out there. You don't think they're really working with the Meta, do you?
(Grif runs by, being chased by a tumbling jeep thrown by the Meta.)
Grif: Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, ooooh Goooood!
- The trip to Caboose's mind, including getting to hear "Agent Washingtub" yell "FREELANCER POWER, ACTIVATE!" and Caboose's nonchalant "I just work here."
Washingtub: That's valuable information. I will take that information, and I will keep it in a special folder marked "SECRET". Everyone knows that is the best security there is.
Church: I see.
Washingtub: Don't tell anyone I told you that.
Church: Actually, you act a lot like you do on the outside.
Washingtub: I would like to think that's because I present myself in a very clear and consistent manner. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to scare some people who are just trying to help me, and then go fight monsters and robots from the future. FREELANCER POWER, ACTIVATE!
- Caboose tries to hide the fact that Church has left his robot body by claiming they're playing a game of "Who Can Hold Still The Longest". Then the body falls over.
- Wash has Church posing as a prisoner. Wash quickly kills one guard, while Church empties an entire clip at a guy from about 2 feet away and misses every shot.
Church: Um, hey, can I get a little help? I'm out of bullets.
- Caboose wants to test out if Church is an AI by giving him a math problem. "What's nine times eight?". When everyone knows it, he freaks out that 'it's spreading'.
- Simmons 'deletes the blues' from the database. Unfortunately this means he can't pull up Church's records when they're needed.
Church: Alright, great, that's fantastic, now I can't prove him wrong, and I don't get a paycheck. Fucking great, thanks guys.
- Grif decides to try and find ways to see if Church is a computer.
Grif: How 'bout this: show me some porn.
Grif: That's what all my computers do. Oh, oh, uh, uh, steal some music for me. Oh or uh uh, talk about politics and bore the shit out of me.
Caboose: Do you have any pictures of cats in serious situations?
- Wash outlines his plan to destroy the Meta's AI using Command's Electro Magnetic Pulse, but gets sidetracked by the proper pronunciation of the acronym; While Wash prefers to say the letters, the Reds and Blues insist on saying the word those letters spell, Emp. "Being wrong is not a democracy!"
- The 'Emp'
Washington: Emp?! You have got to be fucking jok—
- Grif ragging on Simmons about needing to double check the Reds' four-man advantage.
Grif: What part do you need to double check? Is it the part where you counted their guys or the part where you counted our guys, 'cause they both sound really tough!
Simmons: Shut up, Grif, no one's talking to you.
Grif: Or maybe it was the part where you subtracted 1 from 5. Math can be hard. Hey, Lopez!
Grif: Fire up your calculator unit, we got a doozy!
- Caboose's mishaps with fire.
Caboose: Oh God, now Iím burning. Thatís much worse then other things burning! [runs around] Oh god, why does it keep chasing me?
- Implausible Deniability at its finest:
Sarge: Men, as you know, the Blues have been erased from Command records, for some unknown reason.
Simmons: ...Unknown, sir? We're the ones that did it.
Sarge: You can't prove that.
- Sarge's genius plan:
Grif: So, your plan is to hold off our attack until our superior officers take notice of one of the teams in this canyon? And notice them well enough to actually go out of their way and add them back into the database? Or do anything at all in any way to formally recognize us in an official capacity?
Sarge: You got it.
Grif: This is probably the single greatest plan Iíve ever heard in my entire life.
- Caboose finally gets "angry":
Caboose: Well, at least I don't go around, knocking on people's non-doors, and promising them cookies. And then. Not. Giving. Them. Cookies! (leaves) I'm! Leaving!
- Lopez's sarcasm is as solid as ever:
Simmons: Here, just let me do it, give me your wrench.
Lopez: Esta es un martillo, idiota. (This is a hammer, you fucking idiot.)
- When the second team (Sarge, Caboose and Grif) is dispatched to Tucker's location, they start the Warthog... and then they drive to the lake. Then you hear Caboose ask "Are we there yet?" with the expected responses. After Lopez's What and Simmons not giving a fuck, we hear the Warthog song before we see it... with the appropriate sub-marine sound distortion, before they appear at the next beach.
Lopez: ¿Acaban de conducir en el agua? (Did they just drive into the water?)
- While stuck in the middle of a minefield, Grif takes advantage to tell Sarge exactly what he thinks of him. When Sarge shoots at him with the shotgun, Grif doesn't even flinch.
Grif: I imagine it can be pretty hard to be an ineffective leader with no respect— (shotgun blast) who doesn't understand that his primary weapon has a much shorter effective range than most weapons, but I think since we're gonna die anyway, you deserve to know that.
- And then, when CT announces they'll get them out, Grif realizes Sarge will now kill or seriously maim him and asks him to forget that with a slight whimper.
- In general, the scenes in the minefield are hilarious. Ranging from "what's a step?" to both Sarge and Caboose not knowing their left and right. In the end, Grif gives up and just decides to "fuck it" and hope for the best and then drives off.
- Sarge's eulogy for Caboose (With "Taps" playing in the background).
Sarge: Dear Lord, we thank you for taking another Blue back to Heaven today, or rather not to Heaven. To whatever fiery pit you send Blues to, so they can suffer in eternity. You could've taken Grif. But you didn't. Again. Not sure why— it would've been easy! Those mine things are everywhere! But I guess you know what you're doing...
Caboose: (finally falls out of the sky after having been launched into the air last episode) ...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (THUD!) Wow! Now that was a big explosion!
Grif: Blue guy's back!
Caboose: I was really high. Did anyone get a picture?
Sarge: And now you brought him back. And Grif's still here! I hate to criticize, but you could've just had him land on Grif and squash him. That would've been easy! Just a note; you can take it or leave it. Like I said, not really my place to criticize. Okay, the end, amen.
C.T.: What the fuck is wrong with you people?
- Simmons is trying to contact Sarge, but turns out Sarge's radio is broken. He asks if Lopez can fix it.
Lopez: ¿Puedo arreglar su radio desde aquí? Sí. Porque soy mágico. Yo soy un robot mágico. (Can I fix their radio from here? Sure. Because I am magic. I am a magic robot.)
- C.T. vs. Grif and Sarge. In an interrogation. It goes about as well as you would expect.
Sarge: Why? What's going on around here?
C.T.: I can't tell you that.
Sarge: Can't tell us or you don't want to tell us?
C.T.: I can't tell you. Which is convenient, because I don't want to tell you.
Grif: Why don't you want to tell us?
C.T.: Because it's secret.
Sarge: Regular secret or... TOP secret?
C.T.: Top secret!
Sarge: Damn it, the worst kind!
Grif: Well, why is it so secretive?
C.T.: I can't tell you that because that information is classified!
Sarge: Classified as what?
C.T.: CLASSIFIED AS SOMETHING I CAN'T TELL YOU. Now stop fishing for information!
Grif: What information do you think we're fishing for?
C.T.: Okay, that wasn't even a good attempt.
Grif: Yeah...gotta agree with that.
C.T.: Not one that you can recognise, now let's... Hey, wait! Where's your other guy?
Sarge: Uhhh... what guy?
C.T.: The other guy.
Sarge: He's right there. (Points to Grif)
C.T.: The OTHER other guy!
Grif: He's right...there? (Points to Sarge)
C.T.: THAT'S IT! Either you're here to investigate us or you're complete idiots! Either way, I'VE HAD IT. Tell me where the blue guy went or I'll shoot the orange one. (Cocks gun)
(Sarge stares at him blankly)
Grif: Dude, I can save you some time. You just picked the wrong guy to threaten. It'll make sense once you get to know us.
- Donut is inspecting the currently empty Blue Base when the Meta shows up. Donut, having missed out on the previous season's fun, simply thinks he's a new recruit and starts to introduce himself. Simmons comes looking for him...
Donut: Hey! Yeah, Simmons! I'm inside the Blue Base! Guess what? Blue Team got a new soldier!
Simmons: [from outside] What? They sent another team member? Why would they do that? [entering the base] That doesn't make any sense— OH, FUCK! Welcometotheneighborhoodseeyoulater!
- When Simmons is confronting the Meta with a rocket launcher, we get this exchange.
Simmons: Alright, you bastard, prepare to get "Simmonsized".
(Simmons fires a rocket which misses the Meta and destroys a motorcycle that Lopez had just built.)
Simmons: Well, fuck me.
(A couple of rockets hit the Meta, forcing him to retreat. Lopez comes out with a massive rocket launcher.)
Lopez: ¿En serio dijiste "Simmonsized"? (Did you seriously just say "Simmonsized"?)
Lopez: Cierre la cogida. Usted rompió mi motocicleta de nuevo. (Shut the fuck up. You broke my motorcycle again.)
- Epsilon-Church accidentally shuts off his short-term memory while trying to access his long-term.
Tucker: Jesus Christ, don't let him talk to me anymore!
Epsilon-Church and Caboose: Okay, don't talk to him.
Tucker: I can't fucking believe I have two of them now.
- Simmons really seems to draw Lopez's ire this season:
Simmons: (in regards to a cloaked Warthog) The Meta must've cloaked it. Ugh.
Lopez: Dije tan. (Told you so.)
Simmons: Iíve never seen anything like this before either, Lopez.
Lopez: ¡Jódete! (Fuck you!)
- The subversion of a Big Damn Heroes moment, where Tucker comes charging in with a Brute Chopper, looking like he'll land directly on top of the enemy... only to overshoot and crash into a bunker.
- "I am not a thing! My name is Leonard Church, and YOU WILL FEAR MY LASERFACE!" Which doubles up as a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
- The fact that, in a deleted scene, not only does Epsilon!Church have Two Girls One Cup in his memory, but Caboose's grandmother was apparently part of it, and TUCKER HAS SEEN BETTER. Although those may count more as Squick than funny.
Chapter 1: For Those of You Just Joining Us...
- Church wants to use his laser face again, but thinks he needs to be mad to do it.
Church: Hey, say something to make me angry. See if it happens again.
Tucker: You're ugly and nobody likes you.
Grif: You're annoying and your team sucks.
Caboose: You're round and you can't wear pants.
Church: You guys came up with all that really quickly.
Tucker: Eh, it pays to be prepared. Did it work? Are you pissed?
Church: No, I think I'm actually kind of depressed now. Caboose is right. I can't wear pants.
Caboose: Well, I only said it because everyone is thinking it.
- Sarge's increasingly outlandish reasoning for how he knows what's happened at Valhalla. All of which is true.
- One moment just before Wash gets thrown into the barrels. The Warthog comes flying through the wall, and you can just tell that suddenly Wash is terrified as a car barrels towards him.
- Simmons picking up part of the hog as a weapon.
- This entire scene:
Doc: (after the Meta suddenly slows down while trying to punch Doc) Am I dead? Am I dead?
Simmons: Doc, you did it!
Doc: (looks at the Meta, whose fist is still slowly traveling towards Doc, and continues to do so throughout the rest of this conversation) He's frozen!
Simmons: It looks like you overloaded his time-distortion unit. It looks like you caused some kind of inversion. Instead of making everything else slow, it made him slow!
Doc: Alright! Score one for the pacifists! How do you like me now, Meta!
Simmons: Um, Doc, I wouldn't get to close to him if I were you.
Doc: Why? What's he gonna do? Beat me up over the course of the next two weeks?
Simmons: Well, technically he's not actually moving slower. He's moving at the same speed, just over a longer period of time.
Simmons: It's relativistic. His fist is still moving at the same velocity, we're just viewing it at a faster timeframe. Therefore, it looks slowed down, but theoretically, it should carry the same force.
Doc: (looks at the Meta again) Nah, see, he's moving slower!
(camera zooms in on the Meta's fist, which lightly taps against Doc's helmet)
Doc: Woaaauugh! (goes flying into Blue Base's walls, and gets stuck there)
Simmons: See? That's what you get for arguing with science. Bitch.
- The Meta chasing Epsilon-Church like a cat and a laser pointer.
- Grif and Simmons have to hide Epsilon quickly:
Grif: Uh... (looks at Epsilon, who is immobile on the sand)
Epsilon: Don't do it, you fuckEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR... (goes flying into the distance as Grif punts him)
- When they're being confronted, Grif tells Simmons to be cool (and not give away what just happened). Simmons, having just come back, has no idea what's going on.
Simmons: What the-? Grif! What are you doing?!
Grif: Shut up, man! Be cool.
Simmons: Be cool? (aliens come upon the scene) Whoa! I mean, what's the 411, daddy-o's? Me and my homy were just hangin' all up in here, deserts... ville. It's all good! You know what I'm sayin', scrillas?
Grif: What the fuck are you doing?
Simmons: You told be to be cool!
Grif: Right. So what the fuck are you doing?
- At the beginning, the Elites are furious that Church-In-The-Monitor has gone missing (As they worship the technology) and chase Caboose up a pillar. Tucker, on the sidelines, has No Sympathy.
Caboose: (Frantic) Tucker! They are going to eat me!
Tucker: Caboose, would you shut up? They're not going to eat you. They're just going to persecute and kill you. Quit being such a baby.
- The Meta's refusal to pull Doc out by the codpiece, as well as Wash refusing to try when the Meta asks.
- Red team comes into the abandoned base. They decide to give themselves names based off of the states of the USA, like the Freelancers, in order to trick the computer that watches the door. Things don't go quite as planned.
Grif: I told you guys that stupid plan wouldn't work.
Simmons: That's because you said your name was agent Pluto!
Sarge: Luckily, we had a contingency plan to fall back on.
Grif: Sarge, shotgun to the face is not a contingency plan. I keep telling you that.
Sheila: (broken and riddled with bullet holes) Hello, this is a private facility. Hello, this is a private facility.
Sarge: Don't be so quick to judge, Grif. Shotgun to the face can be a plan in a variety of situations. For instance, (points gun at Grif) watch how quickly it cures insubordination!
- "Is it possible to ambush someone who's beating through a metal door to get to you?"
- "Humens suk!" (Arrow pointing to dead stick figure) -> "Shisno"
- Caboose's increasingly futile attempts to keep the Reds from gaining access to the door at the Freelancer outpost. When the door starts getting dented from the inside, Caboose just slowly walks away, head down, endlessly muttering "excuse me", "pardon me" and "coming through" until he walks down the hall and out of sight.
- The episode opens with the Reds running in abject fear, as Tex is on the warpath.
F.I.L.S.S.: Alarm! Security breach— level Alpha! All personnel report for duty! This is not a drill!
(Simmons, Grif and Sarge run through, with Sarge laying cover fire with a shotgun)
Grif: Oh, crap! Where is she?!
Simmons: I don't wanna die!
Caboose: Sheila! We have to help them?
F.I.L.S.S.: Help who?
Caboose: The Reds! Tex is attacking them! We have to stop her!
F.I.L.S.S.: Stop Agent Texas? Oh no. Absolutely not. We should never interfere with an ongoing battle simulation. Our job is to observe and document.
Caboose: But she'll kill them!
F.I.L.S.S.: Oh, that would be wonderful! What a successful test!
- The entirety of Episode 10 is this and a Crowning Moment of Awesome as Tex just lays a complete smackdown against everyone without breaking a sweat.
(after waylaying Grif, Tex, who is now standing above him, points Sarge's shotgun at him)
Simmons: Oh, no! Grif!
(Tex pulls the trigger... and finds out it's out of ammo)
Sarge: (as Tex repeatedly pulls the trigger) Private Grif, you should be ashamed of yourself! We've run out of ammo again! That's your responsibility!
Grif: Huh. I guess this is the first time my laziness saved my—
(Tex steps on Grif, then grabs the barrel of the gun and winds up like a golf club, aiming right at Grif's nuts)
Grif: (cowering, holding up a traffic cone) Protect me, cone!
(Grif gets knocked into Simmons, bowling him and a teleportation gate over)
Simmons: Watch it!
Grif: You watch it!
Sarge: You idiots! Let me show you how it's done—(eats a left hook from Tex)—ugh!
Simmons: Nice demonstration, Sarge.
Sarge: Ah, shut up.
- Earlier in the fight:
Caboose: Great! I saved Tucker! (Beat) Oh, wait...I saved Tucker...
Tucker: Caboose! What the hell are you doing?! You're messing up my plan with Simmons! I was supposed to distract her for him!
(Tex overhears the communique, and turns to see Simmons loading a rocket)
Simmons: (panicking) YOU RATTED ME OUT, YOU SON OF A BITCH! (fires a rocket at Tex)
(Tex dodges the rocket, and grabs a teleportation gate and hurls it at Simmons)
Simmons: Oh, shit! (fires a rocket at the gate)
(The rocket flies through the portal, and out another one below Simmons; it explodes, and launches Simmons straight up...and into the portal passing over his head, through the aforementioned other portal, and finally into Tex's hands, who then throws him at Tucker.)
Tucker: That was awesome—(gets bowled over by Simmons)
- The amount of shots to the nuts that Grif took would be enough to render the man sterile. The funniest one being the very casual one where Tex pops up through a portal, looks at Grif's groin, then punches them directly. There are seven in all, with two of them being hard enough to crack stone.
- After Sarge gets buried in medkits:
- Trying to drop a massive shipping crate on Tex:
Tucker: (as the crate lands) I can't believed that worked!
(Close-up reveals the ground caved beneath Tex, who is now holding the crate up)
Tucker: Oh, fuck! That didn't work!
F.I.L.S.S.: (to Caboose) I knew that would not work. Agent Tex is a bit of a badass.
- Tex hits Tucker so hard, she knocks the black stuff right off his armor.
Sarge: Wow, she knocked the black right off of you!
Tucker: (groaning in pain) That's racist.
- The climax of the episode:
Sarge: (as Tex turns and runs) You're all clear, Simmons! Now shoot her!
Simmons: Fire in the hole! (fires rocket launcher)
(Tex runs with the rocket right on her tail... then jumps into a portal, comes out another one lying on the ground, and runs towards Simmons and company with the rocket still chasing her)
Tucker: Are you fucking kidding me?! RUN!
(Sarge, Simmons and Tucker try to run, but bump into one another and get nowhere. Tex then runs up to them, leveling all three with a single clothesline without breaking stride; when she sees Grif, she baseball-slides between his legs.)
Grif: (seeing the rocket still chasing Tex) Oh god... (covers his crotch) not like this!
(The rocket flies harmlessly between his legs.)
Grif: Oh thank God...I thought I was—
(Turns around to see Tex dive into a portal, while said rocket impacts the pile of med-kits and oil barrels from earlier)
- After Tex sends the Reds and Blues flying with a huge explosion (where Grif flies the highest due to the involvement of an oil drum), she starts nudging a concrete divider a few inches using her foot, stands back to survey her work... and then Grif lands on the divider nuts-first.
Grif: Why won't you just kill me?!
- "They look the same! Which one do I shoot?!" "Ow! Shoot the one who's winning, dumbass!"?
- The perfect subversion of Would Not Hit a Girl? Two Words: "Try harder!"
- At the end of the previous episode, Church, back in a proper body, confronts Tex in a badass way. At the beginning of this episode, Tex has Church in a headlock and is beating him over the head with the Monitor. "Tex, you are embarrassing me!" It's even funnier in the DVD because it's an immediate Smash Cut from "Why don't you pick on someone your own size" to "Tex, you are embarrassing me!"
- Caboose's immediate backpedaling when things suddenly go wrong.
Caboose: Yes! Yes! I did it! I am the biggest hero ever! I beat up the girl![...] I did it! I... not my fault! Not my fault! I did not do this! The computer made suggestions! And the default option was yes!
- While they are watching Tex beat on Church, Grif is holding a medpack to his groin, after how many times he was hit there.
- And the Brick Joke from the last season, where Caboose is the only one NOT effected by the Armor-lock, since he's still wearing the old-style helmet.
- Doc briefly distracts Wash by asking for a break.
Wash: What are we, mailmen? This is a military mission. We don't get a vacation. We don't take sick days, we don't get paid overtime.
Doc: What? Freelancers don't get overtime?
Wash: That's right. We have a job to do, and we're expected to stick wi— Wait. Why, do you?
Doc: Overtime? Yeah. Time and a half over 40 hours. Time and a half and a half up to 60!
Wash: (Genuinely interested) ...Really?
Doc: You guys don't get that? That's crazy, you work so hard.
Wash: Tell me about it.
Doc: You guys should strike.
Wash: We're not unionizing. Stop instigating.
Doc: Tell me they at least match your 401K.
Wash: Shut up.
- The whole dialogue between Grif and Simmons at the end, where they discuss upgrading armor. Specifically, Grif wants Simmons to hook up an invisibility attachment so that he could nap whenever he wanted.
Grif: I would be completely unstoppable.
Simmons: Actually, you would be the exact opposite of that.
Grif: Totally stoppable. Already stopped.
Simmons: No man should have that kind of power.
- Simmons accidentally gives him a super-speed attachment... which tires him out so much he takes an impromptu nap when it deactivates. Success?
- Also, when Grif is speeding around the bunker:
Grif: (Runs by) HeyCaboose!
Tucker: Whoa! What the Hell was that!?
Caboose: What was what? (Long pause) Hey, Grif.
(Cut to Sarge examining a forklift)
Sarge: That is a fine piece of equipment. (Grif runs by from behind) Hrm, why am I so angry all of a sudden?
- After the conversation between Tex and Church, we cut to Wash in the desert. Not only can you can see the Meta beating a dead Alien with his 'Knifle' in the background, you can still hear the noises when Doc and Wash are talking.
- Doc is not overthinking it. Also has a few touches of awesome.
- The result of the Big Damn Heroes moment.
Washington: ...I'd say that was the cavalry, but the I've never seen a line of horses crash into the battlefield from outer space before.
Church: Uh, is it possible for a fragment of an Artificial Intelligence encased in a robotic body to piss its pants? 'Cause I think I just did.
- After the Reds succeed in throwing Meta off a cliff, Grif ends up falling off said cliff along with him. From there, we get this:
Simmons: He's... gone...
Sarge: Yep. Grif is dead. It's a sad day. But he died as he lived. Flat on his belly and trying to get someone else to do his work for him. He will be missed. 'Till we get a replacement. And then forgotten immediately!
Simmons: I can't believe he's gone!
Tucker: You know, sometimes when someone falls off a cliff in the movies, he's usually just over the edge hanging on a tree branch or something.
Sarge: Nope! He's definitely dead!
Simmons: Maybe we should look just in case.
Sarge: I think looking would get our hopes up. And Grif wouldn't like that. He'd want our expectations to be as low as possible. Let's honor him by not looking! And then have a nice lunch. I'm thinking maybe a Monte Cristo sandwich.
Simmons: Are you sure? I could just peek right over the edge.
Sarge: Sounds like a waste of time.
Simmons: Wouldn't even take a second.
Grif: Oh, for God's sake, just look over the damn edge! I can't hold on for much longer!
(Simmons and Sarge look over the edge)
Sarge: Dangling on the job again, I see? Dagnabit, I hate cliffhangers!
Grif: Oh, just pick me up!
- From the trailer:
479er: Well, I guess so much for our go-around.
Ground Control: I heard that, Four Seven Niner.
479er: Yep. That's 'cause I transmitted it.
- As the Reds are testing their new rocket turret...on the Blues:
Tucker: Yeah, I'm feeling pretty confident about my rocket launcher guess.
Caboose: I dunno, I think Church was right. I think I just torqued in my pants.
- And again, when Tucker and Caboose realize that Donut isn't a girl despite his pink armor.
Church: Was that Donut?
Tucker: I don't know. That's the chick who was working on the Jeep.
Church: He's not a girl, Tucker, he just wears pink armor. It's a guy.
Tucker: It is? Are you sure?
Church: Yes, I'm sure.
Tucker: Uh... Then I suddenly feel pretty awkward about something I did twenty minutes ago.
Caboose: During alone time.
Church: What the hell is alone time?
Tucker: Hey. It's one of the rules of the cliff, dude. What happens in alone time, stays in alone time.
- North spots two heat dots coming up behind South through his thermal scope, and South turns around, gun aimed at... a very surprised guard carrying two cups of coffee.
- The way the episode ends is particularly amusing in the very non-professional way North and South are ordered to stand down.
Insurrectionist ODST: Attention, assholes! Stand down, you're surrounded! Give us the data file now! You will be taken into custody! We can either do this the easy way or the hard way. There is no escape, so give us the damn data file!
- "That is the rifle I sleep with every night." In the middle of a firefight. Most likely a small reference to The Rifleman's Creed.
- In the Freelancer section we have this:
479'er: Things are about to get-
479'er: Yeah, bumpy. I was gonna say "crashy" but that works too.
- South's Curse Cut Short.
South: Take evasive maneuvers!
479er: I'm trying.
South: Well try harder!
479er: Hey South, do me a favor, would ya?
[479er closes the door in her face]
South: You stupid bi—!
- Grif suddenly has a cleaning tic. It's just so plain wrong, it's funny.
Church: Grif isn't tidy at all, he's filthy!
Simmons: He is going to wash his hands for a week if he hears you say that.
- "Donut, don't track mud in here, you know better!"
- Tucker gives Church tips on how to attract women. With Caboose standing in for the woman.
Church: You want Caboose to be the woman!?
Tucker: Dude, it's a lot bigger stretch for you to play a man. Trust me.
Tucker: Church, say something rebellious.
Church: Uh, okay, I think the working class should uprise against the rich people.
Tucker: I said rebellious, not revolutionary.
Church: Oh, okay. I drive a fast car over the speed limit. All the time.
Caboose: I will go with you anywhere.
- Both teams' individual discussions: the Reds talking about how good Lopez is and the Blues first trying to comprehend Church's explanations YET AGAIN and then the whole grenade discussion.
Tucker: Hey, you dropped a grenade.
Church: That's not one of mine. Caboose, pick that up.
Caboose: I'm not allowed to carry grenades, remember? Because of that one exploding time? Which was no one's fault.
Church: Well, I didn't drop it! Tucker, count yours.
Tucker: I have a readout on my helmet, dummy, I don't need to count.
Church: Oh, right. Well, it has to be somebody's.
Tucker: ...somebody threw a grenade at us, didn't they?
Church: Yeah, we probably should've figured that out sooner.
- Everything Agent York says. It has to be seen to be believed.
- And to accompany that, Wyoming's performance is just pitiful. Count how many times he gets nailed, and how many times he manages to get a hit in. That's a pretty steep ratio.
- When the flashbang grenade blinds the Blues. They stand around yelling, then start blindly firing their weapons around.
Tucker: My mother always said I would go blind, but for a totally different reason!
- Meanwhile, Tex is just watching them from nearby.
Tex: What a bunch of idiots.
- Simmons' funeral.
Simmons: I never imagined that my death could somehow be worse than my life, but here it is. Bitchin'.
- And before that, when Tex shoots Lopez, who everyone thinks was Simmons.
Donut: We had so much left to talk about! Like our feelings and hopes and dreams! And why most of your insides are wires! How could you just explode like this?! We could've talked! You could've told me what was wrong! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Tex: Uh, maybe I'll let that one live... It might demoralize the rest of them.
Tucker: ... Good idea.
Tex: C'mon, let's pack it in.
Tucker: Does anyone feel really, really dirty about this? And not the good kind of really, really dirty?
- York seems to be getting a lot of these:
York: (while hacking a door) Man, whoever designed this lock is a genius.
(alarm goes off)
Carolina: You were saying?
York: Okay, I take that back. Whoever designed this lock is an asshole.
- Wash saying his Catch-Phrase in reaction to the bouncy gun. And then getting tackled before he can finish.
Wash: What the hell? It bounces? Who designs a gun that bounces? This is the worst gun ever. Of all -oomph!
- Carolina kicking Maine out the window.
Maine: Too high.
Carolina: Oh, don't be a baby. (Kicks)
- Followed by Maine taking out his frustration (along with his new Brute Shot) on some poor mooks. Wash and York almost felt sorry for them.
- "What the fuck is with this guy?" What makes that scene even better is that you have the badass action music in the background and Shark Face preparing to fight Carolina and Wash. Then the camera cuts to Wash saying the aforementioned quote, and the music abruptly cuts off at the same time.
- As the Mother of Invention is charging up the BFG, York channels Bugs Bunny, handing the transmitter to the leader of those that had just been holding them at gunpoint, saying "Hey man, would you mind holding this for me for a sec?"
- After The Mother Of Invention fires the BFG, Carolina, York, and Wash jump off the crumbling building with these lines;
Carolina: This must be karma for kicking Maine out the window!
York: I don't wanna do thiiiiis~!
Washington: Son of a biiiitch~!
- During an awesome freefall battle, after a jetpack-equipped Tex has just knocked him and the package into the Pelican.
- Later as they are flying off, Tex is examining her now useless jetpack:
Wash: So... jetpacks, huh?
(Tex jumps out of the Pelican without the jetpack)
Wash: ...That was interesting.
- York's reaction to Maine's Big Damn Heroes moment, with a side order of Awesome.
"Are we in a car?!"
- This deleted scene where York tries calling Four Seven Niner for backup during the highway chase.
York: Four Seven Niner, come in. Come in!
479er: Four Seven Niner, reading you clear, go ahead.
York: We need help.
479er: Color me surprised. What's the situation?
York: We have two Hornets on us, we need you to take 'em out.
479er: Take them out? I hope you mean invite them to a nice dinner because I loaded this vehicle out for extraction, it doesn't do combat.
York: You don't have any missiles on that thing?
479er: It... it's rigged for fast running, York. You know, stealth? Going undetected, that kind of thing? [mutters] Wait, on second thought, maybe you guys don't know what that means.
York: Thanks for nothing, Four Seven.
479er: I have a couple of grenades, maybe I could chuck those out the window at you.
York: Hanging up now, Four Seven!
- York's one-liners.
"Would you quit throwing shit?!"
"Man, I've got to quit jumping off stuff today."
- Maine gets beat around so much in this episode it becomes hilarious.
- Grif's plan to get the Blues to make a bomb for him since he's too lazy to do it himself. It works a little too well. Well, until it turns out it was a dud.
- Sarge gives us Behind the Black, with two giant excavators that nobody notices until he points them out.
- Tex: "I know how to lift, jackass. I've been carrying this whole team since I got here."
- The finale gives us this:
Simmons: Caboose is... God? I guess that makes sense now that I think about it. Sure explains the fuck out of the platypus.
Episode 1: Revenants
- The Awesome Music starts up during the introduction to Season 10 as the Director is having F.I.L.S.S. drill a hole through an Insurrectionist ship with her Wave Motion Gun... with York still in there. York has this to say to Delta, who manages to sound snarky/smartass and emotionless at the same time.
York: Umm, what target is locked? What's the target? Delta, what are they doing?
Delta: Taking more direct measures.
York: You knew about this?
Delta: (beat) ...Possibly...
York: (notices a glowing, smoking spot on the wall) Why, you green little cockbite...
- "Hey, give me back my leprechaun!" Cue York kicking the chair at the guard, knocking him out a second time.
- Church's Tranquil Fury at finding out that Blue Team's given Wash his clothes, his identity, and has been throwing Wash birthday parties using his name. Ouch.
Caboose: I wouldn't really use the word "replace"... but there's no word for "take over for you and make everything better almost immediately", so we just say "replace".
- Also, almost immediately after:
- The Insurrectionist Guard from Episode 1 floating by in a sitting pose with his chair in space.
- One soldier is carrying a bunch of shotguns in his arms and accidentally drops one, which goes off and kills the guy next to him. The best part is his comment after:
Soldier: Not again. Sorry about that.
- Poor Wash just can't catch a break when it comes to cars.
Wash: Why do cars hate me?
- This entire conversation:
- And this conversation:
Sarge: She wanted to get you out of that memory whatsit. Something about you being a geneticfide and mental imprint of muculeen of that Professor What's His Puss.
Epsilon-Church: Can some one translate that for me? I don't speak Huckleberry.
- Caboose doesn't understand that "sync" means "are we clear" from Carolina, so he lists other kitchen items, like the refrigerator and the easy-bake oven.
- A classic:
Carolina: You guys not used to following orders?
Grif: Oh, we're used to getting them, alright. We're just not used to doing much with 'em.
- Simmons following driving laws, even in a firefight.
Sarge: Simmons, only you could make a high speed chase boring.
Simmons: Thank you, sir!
- Wash's growing obsession with "what happened to Georgia."
Wash: Would someone please tell me what happened to Georgia?!
York: Dude, You Do NOT Want To Know.
Wash: I really do, though!
- In order to bring Epsilon!Church along, they put him in Tucker's armor like any other AI. He claims that Tucker's storage unit is so "disgusting" that he had to delete 50 gigabytes worth of data just so he could fit.
Tucker: You didn't delete my "Home Movies" folder, did you?
Church: And that brings me to my second complaint...
- One of Blood Gulch!Church's catchphrases turns out to be inherited from the director himself.
- Carolina's... method of bringing Wash to safety: Grappling hook to the codpiece. And this was only necessary because of the Noodle Incident stoking his fears of overusing his jetpack. "I don't want to end up like Georgia!"
- This episode starts out with Wash and York staring attentively at North's groin, followed by a barrage of Double Entendres.
Wash: I expected it to be... bigger.
York: Why? You've seen mine. It's small too.
North: Hey Wash? Quit staring. You're making it nervous.
North: Besides, you better get used to it. You're gonna have one of your own soon enough.
- The DVD/Blu Ray adds another by changing Wash's "Yeah but he's green." line to "Yeah, but yours is really shiny, so it looks more substantial."
- North commenting in a pleasant, completely straight voice that "[York and Wash are] all friends of mine. For reasons beyond my comprehension."
- Tucker's commentary on Carolina and Washington's reanalysis of Maine's corruption is hilarious, as he keeps trying to get his trademark "Bow Chicka Bow Wow" in... and gets shot at for it when he does.
Tucker: Bow chicka bow— WHOA! Same team, same team!
- And then he keeps talking, and she keeps shooting, and even Epsilon gets in on the action (bow chicka bow wow).
Epsilon: Jesus, you're worse than Tex!
(Carolina shoots Epsilon's hologram)
Tucker: Okay, that one was on you.
- And then he keeps talking, and she keeps shooting, and even Epsilon gets in on the action (bow chicka bow wow).
- Wyoming's face (he has a MUSTACHE). Seriously, he looks like the kind of guy who likes tying damsels to train tracks!
- The post-Washington conversation interactions with Carolina. First, Caboose accidentally hits on her... then Grif agrees with Simmons about her being bad news, leading to this answer from Sarge.
- Wash eating inside his helmet (complete with magic changing fruit) because Delta told him it would make him "more efficient". Apparently pre-Epsilon Wash is not only naive and innocent, he's also gullible as a fish.
- Not only is he trying to eat inside his helmet, he is implied to be succeeding, if the changing food is anything to go by. He is eating entire fruits in between cuts away from him. Looks like it is more efficient after all.
- That seagull that gets shot is standing on Wyoming's head. For further entertainment, read the milk carton floating nearby.
- Wash freaking out over 479's "cut the engines and plummet" method of arrival.
Washington: Please don't say "crashing"!
- Delta is calmer, but still thinks ahead to make a backup of himself. 479 calls him out on it.
- And, of course, Carolina and York teasing Wash as they're falling:
Washington: I think I'm gonna be sick!
Carolina: Y'know, Wash, these suits are supposed to eliminate all waste. You could probably throw up in your helmet, and it would take care of it.
York: Yeah, you should test that.
Washington: You two are assholes!
- Delta then chimes in with "we never did get the vomit patch out of beta".
- This conversation between Tucker and Epsilon in Episode 8.
Tucker: I tried everything I can to get some info out of her. I tried hitting on her, I tried sleeping with her, I tried making out with her-
Epsilon: Sounds like a complete effort.
Tucker: Dude, no kidding! I used the whole playbook! I even used my best pick-up line: "hey baby, did you fall from heaven, cause I've always wanted to bone an angel!"
Epsilon: Tucker, be honest. Have you ever had sex with anything besides an alien?
Tucker: Church, the more important question here is: do you know any girls who aren't complete bitches, that won't sleep with me?
Epsilon: (laughs) Sorry, dude. That seems to be all I have in my life.
Tucker: You're like the worst wingman ever.
Caboose: Of all time.
- Two guards at the enemy base quote the Arc Words before the Freelancers arrive.
Guard 1: Hey.
Guard 2: What?
Guard 1: You ever wonder why we're- (cue ship)
- North and Theta set up a Beehive Barrier around the snipers firing on them, inadvertently causing the bullets to bounce all over the shield, covering the inside with blood.
North: Did I get 'em?
- During the fight; Wash briefly abandons York. Why? Wash gets attacked by a car.
Wash: Uh-oh. Car! (Runs for dear life)
York: Damn it! (Is punched, then tackled)
- At one point, Caboose becomes fixated on the trap Tucker said the Reds might be planning for them. Then comes the topic of finding out what Carolina's goals are.
Church: We need to find out exactly what Carolina's up to, and why she isn't telling us anything.
Caboose: Okay! I will go ask her! Oh—ey—ya—I promise not to bring up the trap.
Church: No, Caboose, look! Just... Don't.
Caboose: Okay, fine. What would you like me to ask her?
Tucker: You can go ask her if she has the hots for me. I think I felt an emotional connection the last time she hit me.
Caboose: Tell her that you like to make an emotional hot connection with her trap. Got it.
Tucker: Oh, that's even better!
- "Hover Church can also solve crimes." For context, Caboose is referring to the time when Church was installed in the Monitor (which, of course, hovers). A few seconds later, it's suggested that Church be installed in a Mongoose.
Caboose: You're going to solve so many crimes.
- Sarge's 'truce' talk with the blues.
Sarge: It's about our mutual friend/enemy/companion. Or Friendenemapanion for short.
- During the flashback sequence of the Freelancers storming the "Insurrection" base, Agent Florida gets back up to his feet, with a kickass music bit starting up, nonchalantly yanks the collapsible hatchet out of his chest-piece and throws it at the heavy-machinegun twins... and it runs out of momentum and slides harmlessly to a stop at their feet. The twins briefly stop firing to look at it, turn to each other in bemusement, and then go back to firing their HMGs at the Freelancers.
- Epsilon is not happy about being installed in the Mongoose.
Tucker: How do you feel?
Epsilon: Like running over each and every one of you.
Tucker: So, about like normal.
Epsilon: Pretty much, yeah.
- He's also less than impressed with Tucker's attempt at optimism (and with Caboose being ... well, Caboose):
- Sarge's song wishing for Grif's slow, painful death, and the fact that Simmons had subconsciously learned it in his sleep.
Sarge Singing (tune of "When You Wish Upon A Star"): I just wish that Grif was dead...
Simmons joins in: ...put a bullet through his head...
Grif: What? Simmons, how do you know that song?
Simmons: It's been in my dreams for years! Now it all makes sense. Oh, thank God! I thought I was crazy when I woke up with that rifle in my hands!
- Carolina's slowly building fury as she details exactly how stupid the BGC were for losing the Monitor unit.
Carolina: How can you just leave an ancient alien artifact on the floor of a warehouse?
- When she storms off:
Wash: You guys are not making my life any easy right now.
Tucker: Do we ever?
Wash: Good point.
- After Taking A Level In Kindness, Carolina making a Double Entendre joke to Epsilon about "picking her up" is hilarious, especially in light of the rest of the episode.
Carolina: Well, you'll have plenty of time on our ride back.
Epsilon: Yeah, well about that- hey is there anyway we could get back to the others that doesn't involve me carrying you?
Carolina: Haha, wow Church. I didn't know an AI unit could get so easily embarassed. Tell you what, just tell your friends that you "picked" me up. How does that sound?
Epsilon: Remind me to never let you talk to Tucker again.
- When Epsilon is talking about agreeing to work with Carolina, claiming to Tucker and Caboose that it's to get proximity to her.
- Grif and Simmons having a Call-Back conversation about overtime pay and 401(k) matching. Simmons, naturally, is not getting any despite regularly working 60 hours a week.
- Sarge: "In the battle of ghosts versus robots, robots always win. Except in anime."
- York trolling Wash about the side effects of implantation.
Washington: You ever get [headaches] after you earned Delta?
York: At first. They went away pretty quick, though. The other side effects were way worse.
Washington: What other side effects?
York: You know: Bleeding from the eyes, ringing ears... inverted penis...
Washington: Inverted what?!
- This conversation:
Wash: ...Blue base was swept clean. As for Red Base, any evidence that might have been there was completely destroyed during the construction of some kind of giant, holographic projection room.
Epsilon: Man... those guys are really starting to find creative ways to ruin my life. Motherfuckers.
- The glorious return of Donut! After almost three whole seasons! And he's got a sustainable garden! And a scare-Lopez. Oh, and Doc's back, too! Sarge is less than pleased about it, though.
Sarge: Simmons, I'm going to need you to commence operation "Point My Gun At Doc".
Simmons: But sir, operation "Point My Gun At Doc" was just a code phrase for operation "point my gun at Grif".
Sarge: Drat! Fine, switch to operation "Point My Gun At Grif".
Simmons: Actually, sir, that one's just what it sounds like.
- This little gem:
Grif: Hey, Simmons, when you say Donut nailed Lopez to a board?
Simmons: I mean with nails.
Grif: Okay, had to ask.
Simmons: No, no, I understand. I should've been clearer. That's my fault.
- Grif may do nothing, but he takes pride in doing it well.
- This little one:
- Also, this.
Caboose: Church! You're big again! What has she been feeding you?
- Caboose and his shipping:
Carolina: Listen up! We've got big news.
Caboose: (Gasps) You and Wash are taking your relationship to the next level. I knew it. The writing was all over the walls.
- The entire Wyoming and York scene. A "Knock Knock" Joke battle, of all things.
- York slamming a locker door into Wyoming's face and then doing a double-take at the pin-up picture inside the locker. He even goes so far as to tuck the picture into a pocket as he's leaving.
York: Talk about your knock-knocks...
- Wyoming has fanboys of all things, and two of them are helping him fight York.
Wyoming: It's like idiots in stereo.
- York slamming a locker door into Wyoming's face and then doing a double-take at the pin-up picture inside the locker. He even goes so far as to tuck the picture into a pocket as he's leaving.
- Tex's comment on York's distraction (fire missiles from the Mother of Invention, into the Mother of Invention)
Tex: You call that big?! Men.
- The Reds and Blues are back at it in Valhalla.
Tucker: All right. You know the drill.
Simmons: Do we have to?
Wash: That depends. How badly do you want your flag back?
(Simmons looks at Grif.)
Grif: Don't look at me! It's your turn.
Simmons: (sighs) I would just like to let everyone know that I suck. And that I'm a girl, and I like ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the boys.
- The shot showing all the stuff the Blues have captured from the Reds. It's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it, but there's the banana loaf Doc and Donut made the Reds.
- Doc asks if the others want to remember the good times they've had. They... kinda don't.
Tucker: The "good times"?! I was stranded in the desert!
Simmons: We were almost killed!
Sarge: I learned my entire military career was a lie!
Donut: And I got shot!
Wash: (looks away and whistles innocently)
- In order to get them to help Carolina earlier, Wash lied and told the Blood Gulch Crew that they were probably wanted criminals at this point, with no choice but to run around with her. Fast forward to this episode, and it turns out the wanted criminals part is true.
- The pilot the Reds stole a ship from at the end of Revelation (the one yelling for them to come back so he wouldn't lose his job) returns.
Pilot: Surrender now! You are outnumbered! Uh, well... technically you're not really outnumbered. I think we've got the same number... uh, like one-to-one... We've got airships! Fast, easy to pilot airships. Which we will now land, in order to take you to jail!
(Sarge and Wash trade "are you thinking what I'm thinking" glances, then point their guns. Gilligan Cut to the guys flying away with the ships.)
Caboose: Goodbye, people we stole these planes from!
- Grif has the Meta's "knifle" still from Revelation, and has taken to calling it the Grifshot. The following conversation about it ensues.
Tucker: What were you going to do, eat off it?
Grif: Uh, actually, dickhead? I asked Donut to mount it for me at the base.
Donut: And you know I can't resist a good mounting!
Washington: You've been hiding one of the most advanced pieces of technology known to man... so you can hang it in your living room?
Grif: ... well, when you say it like that, it sounds dumb.
Washington: That's because it is dumb!
- Carolina improvising an Epic Flail with a grenade and her Grappling-Hook Pistol. It wouldn't be so funny if the music weren't basically carnival music while she does so.
- Church trying to provide tactical backup to Carolina during the first part of the fight with the Tex copies:
Church: ...seeing this many ex-girlfriends in one room kinda has me terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.
Carolina: Well, snap out of it! I need you!
Church: Need me for wh—? (Cue Super Speed) —WHOOAAAAAA!
- During and immediately after Caboose's Foe-Tossing Charge:
Caboose: MY NAME IS MICHAEL J. CABOOSE. AND I. HATE. TAXES!
Grif: It's "Texas", you idiot!
Caboose: THAT TOO.
- Grif, yet again, ends up getting hit in the nuts repeatedly by the Tex copies, to the surprise of no one. Even funnier because he just managed to avoid one by the timely intervention of Carolina, only to be hit by a completely different Tex. And off screen, while Epsilon was talking to Tex, he was hit with a Groin Attack by twenty Tex copies at the same time. Tucker thinks that Epsilon not stopping it before that was still Worth It, though.
- In this episode, we finally learn the identity of the Mysterious Blue Guy. Not only is he Flowers, as camp as ever, but he was also Agent Florida - apparently, the Counselor had fun fabricating the "Poor Florida" incident.
- The credits for season 10 show one of the security people as Joe the Cat.
Episode 1: One-Zero-One
- When Sarge decides to remodel the Reds' new base, whats his tool of choice? The Blues' tank, which he happily uses to knock out a few walls. With Grif still inside, of course.
"Possession is nine-tenths of the law! The other tenth is a tank. And I've got both."
- Wash seems to have fully assimilated as the group's Only Sane Man.
Wash: Sarge, the reds and blues aren't fighting. We're just camped at opposite ends of the canyon...in color-divided teams...while heavily armed.
Sarge: True. But have you ever considered that fighting is just in our nature? It's almost instinctual. If we're not constantly trying to stab each other in the back, we'll surely die.
Wash: Dear God, I hate you.
Sarge: (Cheerfully) That's the spirit!
- In an argument, Wash insinuates that Tucker caused the crash.
- When Caboose asks Wash if he thinks if Church misses him, Wash has a flashback to Caboose babbling on and on while Church yells at him to shut up.
- During a discussion on Grif's non-existent construction skills:
Sarge: I asked you to give me a proper erection, not to stiff me!
Simmons: So glad Donut's not here.
- This interaction between Tucker and Wash:
- Caboose taking a walk by himself isn't depressing at all!
- Caboose investigates a mysterious sound in cave:
Caboose's Echo: Hello!
Caboose: Oh. That was just me. That was stupid. Have a nice day!
Caboose's Echo: Thanks, you too!
Caboose: Well, I am a very pleasant person.
- Washington tries to whip some discipline into Tucker. It starts out like this:
Wash: Tucker, in basic training, there's a point when the drill sergeant attempts to break his or her soldiers, so that they might overcome their civilian mind-set and focus on the responsibility and selflessness that comes with being a true soldier.
Tucker: Uh, bro, I went through basic ages ago. True soldier, standing right here!
Wash: What is the UNSC motto?
Tucker: When in doubt, rub one out!
Wash: I am going to break you, Private Tucker.
- From there, Wash has Tucker run an obstacle course. High points include:
- Wash's idea of a starting pistol— shooting Tucker in the ass.
- Tucker has an inexplicable hatred of cones.
- Tucker steps on some huge land-mines.
- Tucker gets shot at from some off-screen source, with no idea where it's coming from.
- Wash's obstacle course somehow sends Tucker running through a massive war zone from Halo 4 ("Who are these people!?"), and hurtling down the Warthog escape tunnel from the first Halo game! ("What the fuck is going on!?")
- Wash's assessment of Tucker's elapsed time? "...Adequate. For a beginner."
- Caboose shows up and runs the same course. In about two seconds. While babbling to himself at light-speed.
Wash: ...I... think that's enough training for today.
- Simmons is being driven to his breaking point by Grif's laziness, as the two are essentially room-mates due to Sarge's decision to divide Red Base into two sides.
- Sarge insists on using an imaginary door to cross the invisible boundary between his side of the base and Simmons and Grif's side.
- Simmons suggests using their spare robot kit to help Wash repair the comm tower. Sarge dismisses this idea... on the conclusion that building a whole robot to help fix the comm tower will be much more efficient.
- Washington and Grif go into the second floor of Red Base to look for the tool box. Combined with Simmons' commentary and Sarge's insistence on building a robot.
Simmons: I hate them.
Wash: Are those my socks?
Grif: Yeah, but you probably don't want those back.
Simmons: I hate all of them.
- While "helping" Washington repair the comm tower, Tucker gives a surprisingly accurate description of how the GPS (Galactic Positioning System) on the crashed spaceship was supposed to have worked. Naturally, Washington asks him how he knows about this. Cue a flashback with a disinterested-sounding Tucker listening to a crew member give the exact same speech... until he decides to try hitting on the female pilot. Which somehow results in alarms going off. Back in the present:
Tucker: I... read it in a book?
Washington: I don't believe you. Then again, I don't really care.
Tucker: (Sigh of relief)
- Washington can't find his soldering tool. Tucker asks if he thinks Red Team took it. Washington proceeds to pick up a shotgun and deliver a hilariously tongue-in-cheek imitation of Sarge:
Washington: Men, it appears our shitty fortifications aren't meeting my ridiculous standards! Let's steal Washington's tank and fire it at our walls! That'll fix it! (beat, in his normal voice) Yes, I think the Reds took it.
- This leads to Washington expressing why he's so wound up— Tucker is right. (More specifically, that someone should have found them by now...)
- Lopez 2.0 is online. And guess what? He still speaks only Spanish!
- The new Lopez actually seems to have a rather friendly disposition, compared to the original. Knowing the Reds, though, this Mr. Nice Guy attitude should be gone by the end of the season. And how...while the original Lopez only became jaded and cynical, 2.0 ends up trying to kill them all!
- Caboose introduces his new friend: Freckles the Mantis! Cue Mass "Oh, Crap!" from the Reds and Blues, and a whimper from Grif. Just to properly emphasize the reaction, you could easily tell that if they weren't wearing helmets, jaws would have hit the floor.
- The introduction comes after they finally make contact with someone on the outside (even though it was Donut). The two teams are ecstatic and make plans to eat all of their rations and waste all their bullets (while Wash tries to talk them out of it), then Caboose comes up to them with his own good news.
- Wash has some trouble remembering Donut.
Washington: Who is Donut again?
Simmons: Cheery guy? Pink armor?
Grif: Kind of stupid?
Tucker: And a little...
Washington: Wait, did I shoot him once?
Washington: Got it. And he's competent enough to trust with our lives?
Donut: (on the radio) Sorry, did you say five, or nine?
Sarge: I said eight.
- And before the radio starts working, the guys have a little exchange on the multiple uses of the B-word...
Grif: (Regarding Tucker doing squats after Wash ordered him to) Ha! Who's the bitch now?
Tucker: Your sister was my bitch, if I remember correctly!
Grif: What did you say to me, bitch?
Washington: (Trying to get the radio to work) No one is a bitch! Now, both of you be quiet!
Grif: Simmons is kind of a bitch.
Simmons: Hey! What the fuck?!
Sarge: Ah, can it, Private Bitch.
Simmons: (Resigned) Yes, sir...
Grif and Tucker: (Smugly) Bitch.
Washington: (Losing his temper) I said, (hits the radio) be QUIET!
- And oddly enough, the radio starts working right then. With some help from Lopez 2.0, of course, but still...
- Grif forcing Simmons to confront the strange reality that none of them are able to not hold a weapon (due to it being a machinima). This creeps Simmons out enough that he forgets why he was talking to Grif; to try and make him take out the garbage. Even better when it's revealed that this was all a plan by Grif in order to get out of taking out the trash.
- Tucker provides this gem while complaining about Wash's leadership:
- Sarge's extended paranoid rant. This point takes the cake.
- Some poorly chosen words in an argument between Wash and Tucker cause Freckles to declare Caboose the team captain.
Freckles: In the unanimous decision by the Blue Team, Caboose has been promoted to Blue Leader. Captain Caboose is your commanding officer. Do not talk back to your commanding officer.
Grif: Oh, fuck.
- Without a doubt, a bad decision on their part.
Freckles: Do not talk back to your commanding officer.
Tucker: Wash and I are having an argument. I will be talking back to him. That's how arguments work, you fucking toaster.
- Grif's attempts to distance himself from Sarge as he picks a fight with Freckles.
Wash: Tucker, calm down.
Tucker: Me?! These guys roll up in a fucking assault jeep and you choose to yell at me?
Wash: Look, tensions are high—
Tucker: No shit, Washington. I'm tired of you bossing us around.
Wash: Now is not the time.
Tucker: You know, I disagree. We were having a talk when Tweedledee and Tweedle-fucking-idiot decided to interrupt, so let's finish this.
Wash: There is nothing to finish!
Grif: Are we intruding on some sort of lovers' quarrel right now?
- As the situation's about to deteriorate into a complete clusterfuck, a single gunshot is heard...everyone turns to see where it came from, and Tex's Leitmotif begins to play... and it's DONUT.
"Man, you guys are really noisy!"
- Donut's idea of helping? To bring Doc and Lopez version 1.0 along... and then tell the ship to leave, which means that everyone's still fucked. Thus is the conflict resolved... by everyone's ire re-focusing on Donut.
Wash: So you're telling me... that you heard our distress signal... grabbed Doc... hopped on a ship... AND THEN TOLD THE SHIP TO LEAVE?! AND THAT'S YOUR IDEA OF SENDING HELP?!
Donut: What? No! I brought Lopez, too.
(Cut to Lopez Dos.0 standing next to the original Lopez's head.)
Lopez: Qué. Carajo. (What. The fuck).
Sarge: KILL HIM! (Everyone rushes Donut at once.)
- Caboose's first team meeting as leader goes...awkwardly.
- We start to get hints that the ship's crashing might not have been entirely Tucker's fault...
(Flashback to the ship before it crashed)
Crew Member: Oh my god! Who spilled soda all over my instruments?!
Grif: Oh my god! I spilled my soda?!
(Cue alarms going off)
(Return to the present, focus on Grif)
Grif: Somehow, the ship crashed, but, uh... no one seems to know why or how, or when...
Sarge: (Walks up) Men!
Grif: I didn't do it! You can't prove that I did!
- Sarge's Bat Deduction popping up again, this time making being a pacifist into being blood-hungry.
Sarge: Yea, but think about it! You can't spell pacifist without fist, which you need to throw a punch. That always leads to fighting, the precursor to a full-out battle! Which is ultimately the first step on the inevitable road to war! Violence is unavoidable, Doc. Time to just admit that you've got a pacifist's natural-born lust for murder!
- Grif and Doc discover a stack of high-tech energy cubes. Grif's idea of a finding out what they do is to throw them at stuff and see what happens, ignoring Doc's pleas for caution.
Doc: What is wrong with you?!
- Before that, Grif finds a small pistol that shoots modules that stick harmlessly to whatever they hit. He tries one out on Doc. The next few minutes play out without anything happening, and Grif's about to convince Doc to grab one of those pistols and join in the fun. Then Sarge comes up and tells them to get back to work, and Doc pulls off the sticky-module and tosses it aside. As everyone walks away, none of them notice that the module explodes.
- Near the end, Sarge finds a heavily-armored mech in the ship. He likens it to seeing a pretty girl on the first day of school. It's actually pretty cute, until...
Sarge: ...Now, imagine that the pretty girl is armored with a titanium poly-alloy, and outfitted with fifty-millimeter cannons and ammo for days!
Doc: She sounds pretty high-maintenance.
Grif: She sounds like I'd need a safe word to date her.
- And then while they're trying to figure out how to move this giant mech, Sarge suggests taking it apart and moving it piece by piece, in carrying cases if need be...while still using the "pretty girl" analogy!
- The new Lopez interacting with the old one. At the end of the episode, old Lopez takes it upon himself to tell his successor why the Reds are the worst. It involves some amazing breaking down of the fourth wall.
Lopez: [SUSPIRO] Vas a querer sentarte para esta historia. Es alrededor de veinte horas y solo disfruto contarla en intervalos de cinco minutos. ([SIGH] You're going to want to sit down for this story. It's about 20 hours long and I only enjoy telling it in 5 minute intervals).
- Also, as Grif demonstrates the teleporter cubes to Donut:
- Grif shirking on cleaning the base in order to test the teleportation cubes. Out of frustration, Donut snags a cube, throws it onto Grif's stuff, and then throws it all the way across Exile... straight into Blue Base, right by Simmons.
Simmons: Things are starting to look up.
(the teleportation cube lands.)
- Afterwards, Caboose's newest order is to clean up Blue base. His description of the new mess includes...
Caboose ...And Simmons won't stop rocking back and forth in the corner, and he's, uh... kinda freaking me out.
- Afterwards, Caboose's newest order is to clean up Blue base. His description of the new mess includes...
- Apparently, Tucker and Grif weren't the only ones who caused the ship to crash... Even Washington helped out a little bit.
Wash: Whoops. Sorry, knocked the cable out of the wall. Hope that wasn't important.
(Alarms begin to blare)
- When making up with Tucker, Washington's speech includes this funny little tidbit halfway through:
Wash: Did you know I was one of the worst Freelancers in my squad? There was Agent York, our security specialist, Agent North, the sharpshooter, Carolina was an expert in martial arts, and Tex was...well, you know Tex.
Tucker: Cool story, bro.
Wash: I was known for getting a grappling hook stuck to my balls.
Tucker: ...Okay, where are you going with this?
- What's even funnier is that whether by accident or on purpose, it looks like Tucker's doing a double-take as he hears that last part!
- This little punctuation to Caboose's latest set of orders is both amusing and oddly adorable.
Caboose: Assistant Captain Best Friend Freckles, Initiate piggyback sequence! (leaps onto Freckles' back who proceeds to take him back to base)
- Lopez 1.0 demonstrates to 2.0 the one reason he likes the Red Team: he can insult them all he likes in Spanish, and they won't even realize it!
- Following the heartwarming speech Washington gave to Caboose, Caboose tries on the new helmet Wash made for him. Tucker compliments Wash on his scheme, while Wash admits that he meant every word. And then...
Caboose: Uh oh. I-I can't see anything. Hello?
Tucker I think you need to work on your craftsmanship.
Caboose: OH MY GOD! I'M BLIND!
Washington: One step at a time, Tucker.
- Red Team finally gets their robot, the Cyclops, built... and it turns out that Sarge's comparison to a beautiful lady isn't that far off the mark! Only two problems. One, Grif's laziness resulted in several missing parts. Two, she considers everything to be a hostile... including Red Team. Oh, and three: she runs out of power because Sarge converted her to diesel instead of power cells. Afterwards, Sarge and Grif have this conversation on room for improvement:
Sarge: Looks like she needs a bigger fuel tank.
Grif: Fuck that! She needs to be thrown off a cliff!
Sarge: I don't see how that's gonna solve the fuel problem...
- When Locus' four-man assault squad attacks Blue Team, Tucker retaliates and takes one of them out with a headshot. Washington tries to suggest negotiation by pointing out that they don't know who these soldiers are or why they're attacking...
- Doc finishes patching up the leg wound of the mysterious orange-accented soldier (A.K.A. Felix), who points out that he still can't feel his toes. Donut cheerfully observes that this is apparently normal.
- When Felix claims that the Blood Gulch Crew has a reputation for being the galaxy's greatest warriors, the team's reaction is mixed:
- Caboose continues to have problems with his helmet's visibility system.
- We continue to learn that the crashing of the ship at the beginning of the season was the fault of more than one person when Simmons wonders how they ended up all the way across the galaxy. Cue a flashback from Sarge...
Crew Member: Sir, please! You can't be back here! These engines are delicate!
Sarge: Can it, pointdexter! No wonder this flight's taking so long! Whoever heard of delicate engines? Engines are supposed to be big, loud, and terrible for the environment! Let's kick this baby into Slipspace!
Crew Member: Wait—!
(Sarge throws a switch, and alarms start blaring. Cut back to the present, focus on Sarge)
Sarge: Er... one mystery at a time there, Simmons.
- Felix explains his job:
- Tucker manages to fix the visor of Caboose's new helmet... but somehow screws up its voice chip.
Tucker: How about now?
Caboose: Still can't see anything!
Tucker: (Dryly) Open your eyes.
Caboose: Oh, my God! The graphics are incredible!
- As the fight unfolds, Lopez 2.0 inside C.C.'s frame is going on a rampage until Donut steps in. His revealing that he can speak Spanish (poorly) starts out funny, then quickly becomes awesome.... and becomes funny again when he calls Dos-Point-Oh a "teriyaki pencil circus."
- Freckles is low on juice, so Simmons hooks him up to the power supply. Only problem is, all of the power is being diverted to Red Base. For downloading a high definition picture of Freckles on Basebook. Wash sums up the stupidity of the situation perfectly.
- When Locus gets more involved in the fight by shooting the Reds' tank with a sticky-explosive, Sarge and Simmons bail out just before the bomb goes off. Grif has this to say:
- According to the trailer, Grif trains his men by leading them on infiltration missions into the mess hall, Simmons has the most incompatible team for him, and Caboose is not allowed to touch heavy weapons or machinery.... Kimball won't go into details.
- Grif's armor color gag returns, but this time it is referenced with his squad's name "Gold Team", and him demanding it be renamed orange team.
- Simmons having a bit of an anxiety attack:
Simmons: What would Sarge say at a time like this?
Grif: Shut it, Simmons!
Simmons: Probably, yeah.
- Simmons gets a door open, and Caboose charges in, guns blazing... only to find another door.
Caboose: Did we win?
- When Grif tells Simmons to man up about his girl issue (since his entire squad is filled with girls), this exchange occurs.
Simmons: Oh man, this is just like junior high all over again!
Simmons: Why do I have to play in the women's league!? I wanna be a mathlete, Dad! A mathlete!
- When Kimball halts the exercise, Caboose keeps yelling and shooting for a moment.
Kimball: What. The Hell. Was that?!
Caboose: [still yelling, then halts] Oh, we stopped.
- "On a scale of one to ten, I'd say we're pretty fucked."
- Two Federal Army soldiers talk about a cut power cable.
- Felix gets ambushed by a Fed, and immediately turns and throws a combat knife at the guy, killing him. He then takes a Tiger Woods pose.
Felix: I am fucking awesome.
- When Grif is telling the troops the story of the final fight with The Meta (a story that isn't really even exaggerated), he has the troops in utter awe.
Republic Soldier 1: What did you do?
Grif: Huh? Oh, uhh, we tied a car to him and threw it off a cliff.
Republic Soldier 2: ...That is the most metal thing I've ever heard.
- When Simmons shows up, Jensen asks him if The Meta really had the strength of 10 bears. Simmons hesitates for a few seconds before bumping it up to 20.
- Smith, Caboose's lieutenant, translating Caboose's rambling into something inspiring... And loving the idea of Kool-Aid on tap.
- Simmons' campaign speech.
Simmons: My fellow soldiers. If you elect me as your leader, you're not just voting for a kind, well-mannered leader, you're voting for victory. I've overseen countless skirmishes and calculated my opponent's every move. And although some people may not count Dungeons and Dragons as an acceptable example of military expertise, I beg to differ. A vote for Dick Simmons is a vote for America!
Palomo: ...But we're not in America.
- Grif's campaign pitch is basically him calling dibs.
- Jensen getting so nervous that she "chokes on her own spit" and collapses momentarily.
Tucker: Simmons, what the fuck is this?!
Simmons: It was either her or the really hot one who plays volleyball!
Tucker: Then what the fuck is this?!
- Felix's Not So Above It All moment when he sticks his tongue out at Tucker and only realizes it isn't effective with a helmet in the way when Tucker asks why he's still just standing there.
- The rescue squad decides to test their skill by trying to take out Felix. Cue a montage of failure after failure. It's so hilarious in-universe it attracts a crowd with Felix commenting he's never heard them laughing so much.
- The guys who edited the footage together are voiced by Achievement Hunters Michael Jones and Ray Narvaez Jr. This cannot possibly be an accident.
- Felix can be heard expressing his concerns to the female medical officer that he may be too good-looking. He then stops Tucker's attempt to charge at him with an Offhand Backhand shield to the face.
- A call back to Achievement Hunter.
Tucker: (Jumps out at Felix) Surprise, motherfucker! (Falls off a cliff immediately)
- At another point, Tucker throws a grenade at Felix yelling "Catch!" Felix proceeds to do so, counts a couple of 'Mississippis', then throws it back at the now fleeing Tucker, and fist pumps when it works.
- Simmons' overly complicated hand gestures to Grif during another ambush attempt, including snapping in Z formation, and Grif's reaction to them. Bonus for Felix walking up and realizing what they're doing, and simply punching Grif (seen via helmet cam).
Grif: At what point did you think I knew what that meant?
- Palomo being Distracted by the Sexy. And caught doing so on video.
- The exercise routines. In the running, Caboose is winning, and Grif collapses. With the push-ups, Caboose is simply counting "thirty-three" over and over as he does push-ups, while Grif and Bitters are lying on their sides tapping their fingers.
- The fact that every time it cuts to the people watching the failure montage, the crowd has increased in size until it's about 10 nameless grunts alongside the team. All of them are in hysterics.
- Smith gave his grenades to Caboose.
Caboose: (tosses a grenade directly at the wall a few inches in front of him) Fire in the hole.
- Tucker finally tries to hit on Kimball. It goes very badly.
- Kimball sheepishly admitting that the pond beside her "nice thinking place" is full of radioactive algae.
- Grif is becoming Sarge due to the stress of leadership. He's horrified by this.
Grif: Simmons, what is happening to me!?
Simmons: I think you're having a mental breakdown.
Caboose: Yeah, those are my favorite kind.
Simmons: Being thrust into a position of power must be putting too much stress on your brain. Now it's devolving into what you subconsciously perceive to be the symbol of leadership — Sarge!
Grif: That's not true! That's impossible! Nooooo!
Palomo: You guys have any idea what's going on here?
Jensen: Not in the slightest.
- Bitters stealing and eating a snack cake that Grif has been saving since basic training. It doesn't go too well for him.
Bitters: [weakly] Don't... let me drown... in my helmet. (gags)
- Caboose's impression of Sarge after Grif explains his predicament to Tucker.
Caboose: Yarrr! Drop and give me booty!
- Discussing plans for leaving:
Grif: Vehicle bay's got plenty of Warthogs, I guess...
Caboose: And I can drive a tank!
Caboose: Ah, you guys are just jealous.
- The guys at their 'truck stop', with Caboose wanting a lottery ticket, Grif wanting to loot the place and take the Slushee machine, and Tucker wanting magazines with 'pictures'.
- Grif and Simmons talking about the worst super powers.
- The guys break into the Fed base, and when they're about to get caught, disguise themselves as snowmen. Made even better by Grif saying he used to do it in Blood Gulch, which didn't work for obvious reasons.
Fed Soldier: But...why, snowman?!
- Noticing that there aren't any guards around:
Tucker: I don't know, doesn't look like there's anyone around to me.
(A siren blares off from the speakers around the outpost.)
Soldier on PA: Alright, lunch break's over. Back to your stations, people.
(Feds start piling out of the base and moving to their posts.)
Soldier on a warthog: Come on, maggots, get the lead out! Move! Move! Move!
(Soldiers continue to move out of the outpost and set up stations around the base.)
Soldier in a tank: Woo! Brand new tank, coming in! This will kill any intruders, for sure!
Tucker: I hate my stupid mouth.
Grif: I hate it more.
- The Feds' Armed Farces moments when their lunchbreak ends and when they rush to save their possessions from being ruined by sewage.
Fed Soldier: This is what we've been training for!
Another Fed Soldier: Christ! Last night was taco night!
Yet Another Fed Soldier: WE NEED TO SAVE OUR SHIT FROM THE SHIT!
- Washington trying to stay composed while Sarge rants and raves while they are still 'captives':
Washington: I have an idea. Let's play the quiet game.
Donut: Ohohoho. It. Is. On!
Sarge: Great Monopoly's top hat, Wash! Now is not the time for games! Now is the time for action! Come on, help me get out of these cuffs. There's a certain someone in this room that I feel like bludgening to death!
Donut: Just use your feet, Sarge. If he fights back, I'll beat him off ya!
Sarge: You're not thinking, Donut! That'll just alert more guards.
Donut: Well, if I can't beat off a room full of dudes, then what have I been training for this whole time?
Washington: I would really like to play the quiet game, please.
- Donut's safe word: It's "Chrysanthemum".
- General Donald Doyle meets the captive Red and Blues. Followed shortly after by him fainting in front of the captive Red and Blues in his own base, surrounded by several of his men.
- Washington, Sarge, and Donut confronting General Doyle:
Washington: So you sent your men to kill us?!
Doyle: Absolutely not!
Sarge: I've got a few cracked ribs that beg to differ! And a headbone that strongly disagrees.
- Lopez's triumphant return:
Sarge: Bienvenidos, Robo-buddy! You're back in the world of the living! Viva... la Viva.
Lopez: Yo no estaba muerto. Mis miembros simplemente dejaron de funcionar y ellos me tiraron en la basura. Fue la experiencia más agradable que he tenido en años. Después aparecieron ustedes. (I wasn't dead. My limbs just stopped working and they put me in the trash can. It was the most enjoyable experience I have had in years. Then you showed up.)
Sarge: No need to thank us!
- Lopez realizes that Locus can understand him and completely panics.
Donut: (quietly to Lopez) [Locus] doesn't make any sense.
Lopez: Se debe a que está loco. (That's because he's insane.)
Locus: (menacingly) I am not.
Lopez: ALARM! MIERDA! EL ES BILINGÜE. POR FAVOR NO ME MATES. (HOLY SHIT! HE'S BILINGUAL! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!)
- When Lopez is turned back on, his system displays say:
English.exe failed to initiate
Sarcasm module 100%
Life forms detected:
1 - Idiot
2 - Loud Idiot
3 - Agent Washington
- The fact that he gives more respect to the guy who once practically shot him to death than his own teammates is funny in itself.
- Doyle revealing how low he was in the command hierarchy before enough of his predecessors ran away or died.
General Doyle: [I was] Personal secretary to the brigadier.
Agent Washington: WHAT?!
- Our introduction to Doctor Grey. While she's happy that Doyle wasn't seriously hurt, she did entertain the idea of experimenting on her commanding officer's fresh corpse. Then she's off to amputate some limbs with all the creepy gusto afforded to her.
- Grey happily explaining that due to how bad the Civil War has gotten, there are virtually no civilians left... and that anyone not in Power Armor was killed long ago.
- Donut's idea of setting up a perimeter.
Donut: (yelling) Hey! Just so you guys know, you better not come over here!
Lopez: Usted se avergüenza a si mismo. (You embarrass yourself.)
- The uncomfortable and somewhat shocked reaction of the Reds and Blues seeing a FED soldier disintegrated in front of them.
- Tucker's reaction to seeing Epsilon-Church.
Church: Miss me, assholes?!
Tucker: You fuck! (Jumps at him, passing right through the hologram and falling on his face)
Church: Huh... Wasn't expecting that.
- While Church is working on a game plan for Carolina's fight, he's having a conversation with all the other AI. Which includes Delta suggesting he get a dog to combat loneliness, and Theta getting all excited about the idea.
- Church's snarkiness has not gone down in the slightest.
Carolina: How long until transfer?
Church: About forty-five seconds.
Carolina: And you can't make that go quicker?
Church: That should give you enough time to deal with the three security personel who are about to come through the door.
Carolina: What? Which door?!
Church: (exasperated) There's only one door! They just set a breaching charge, by the way.
Church: Detonates in three...
Carolina: Why didn't you tell me?!
Church: Two — I just did!
Church: One — Oh, you'll be fine!
- Grey cheerfully getting to know the teams.
Dr. Grey: Psychoanalyzes for everyone!
- Particular mention goes to when Church first appears in front of her. She takes it strangely in stride.
Dr. Grey: So... there's a tiny ghost man here. Anyone care to introduce me?!
- Bordering a bit on Tear Jerker, Caboose insisting that he didn't miss Church.
- The Reds comparing the Blue's bickering to daytime soaps.
Sarge: Heh, this is better than any daytime television drama. And that's some quality programming.
Donut: Maybe Church will turn out to be someone's long-lost brother.
Grif: I think we've had enough plot twists for one lifetime.
Donut: And his real name is Horatio!
Sarge: I'd watch it.
- We finally see how Simmons contributed to the crash. He was updating the navigation system. Hell, even the fact that Simmons was involved at all is funny. Not to mention that the only member of the team not explicitly involved in all of these hijinks (not counting Carolina and Church) turns out to be... Caboose?
- When Carolina says she thinks the ship was crashed there by a third party:
Simmons: So what you are saying is: there's no way any of us could be responsible for the crash.
Carolina: I... well... yes. Why do you ask?
Everyone else: No reason!
- Grif refusing to part with his new laser weapon has a few highlights:
- Donut cheerfully accounting how Grif broke down after the UNSC confiscated the "Grif-Shot" (Meta's old grenade rifle).
- Grif and Sarge butt heads over handing the weapon over:
Sarge: Damn it, Grif! Hand over that laser this instant!
Grif: You can't tell me what to do! I out-rank you! Again!
Sarge: What the—?! (Angry muttering, followed by hefting his shotgun) Well, let's see you out-rank the end of my shotgun!
Grif: (Raising his laser weapon) Uh, done. Fucking space-laser, bitch.
- Church ends up ghosting into Grif to make him hand over the weapon... which is covered in grease, much to Carolina's disgust. And apparently, Grif himself is pretty greasy, much to Church's disgust.
- Caboose's little talk with Wash about the fate of Freckles.
Washington: ...Caboose. I'm not really sure how to tell you this without both confusing you... and breaking your disturbingly fragile heart.
Caboose: I am an emotional time bomb!
Washington: (under his breath) Jesus Christ.
- Caboose treating the flashdrive Freckles like a real dog.
- Afterwards, Wash is privately reflecting on how it's nice to have everyone back together. Cue the Moment Killer:
Grif: (Off-screen, shouting) Back off, lady, or I will put you in the ground!
Washington: Aaand the moment's passed.
- Grif's teleporter cubes make a return appearance... along with a reminder that they were inadvertently used to teleport Doc to God-knows-where.
Lopez: Y Doc. Usted accidentalmente teletransportó a Doc. (And Doc. You accidentally teleported Doc.)
Donut: Oh my God, that's right! We DID use them to defeat Dos Point Oh!
Lopez: Oh, por el amor de Dios... (Oh, for fuck's sake...)
- Sarge admits that they found said cubes while trying to find a way to defeat the Blues— er, their giant robot, Freckles.
- Caboose's excitement at seeing his life flash before his eyes.
- Grif and Simmons bantering is called pillow talk. By everyone.
- Grey promises to make food out of fungi and algae when the group returns. Wash kindly asks her not to.
- Wash talking to Tucker at the beginning after watching Grey chew out Carolina about using her speed enhancement with a bad leg.
Agent Washington: You know, I don't think I've ever seen a civilian lecture a Freelancer like that before. It was... pretty entertaining, actually.
Tucker: Hey Wash, you got a sec?
Wash: I swear to god, if you want me to look at another rash, I'm gonna hit you.
- After Washington gives Tucker his best attempt at a pep talk, Simmons walks up to ask the ex-Freelancer to help with Carolina's interrogation of their new prisoner. More specifically, Simmons is hoping that Wash can calm Carolina down:
Carolina: (shouting off-screen after hitting something) WHY WON'T HE TALK?!
Simmons: She's a little frustrated...
- And when they get there, Carolina has resorted to throwing things. Church (who just had a metal crate thrown through his holographic form) dryly remarks that she takes after her mother.
Sarge: Was her mother some sort of silverback gorilla on steroids?
Church: Yeah, you'd better be happy her mother's not around to hear you say that.
- When Dr. Grey joins the conversation, asking if the prisoner's awake, Grif points out that he's betting that he won't stay that way long—specifically, he thinks Carolina will rip his spine out within the hour. Simmons takes him up on those odds.
- Then Dr. Grey decides to take over the interrogation, cheerfully remarking that all of her friends back at her old base are dead thanks to the space pirates. Ergo, she thinks the one they captured is due for a checkup. Sarge and Carolina give each other a concerned glance. Cut to her describing the facility's surgical equipment and incinerator to their defiant prisoner, and her experience with it. And then...
(Outside, the assembled team is listening to the prisoner's shrieks of frightened pain, and Dr. Grey's renditions of operatic arias.)
Simmons: (Nervously) Sarge? I'm scared.
Sarge: Simmons, we're all scared. (Beat) Except for me.
(Dr. Grey walks out and joins them.)
Dr. Grey: (Cheerfully) His name's Zachary Miller, he's ex-military, and he was polite enough to hand over the coordinates to a nearby radio jamming tower.
Carolina: You're kidding me.
Dr. Grey: No, silly, I'm Dr. Grey! Ha! Dad joke!
Carolina: ...All right. Think he's...in a position to answer a few more questions?
Dr. Grey: Oh, absolutely! Just let me go put him back together.
(Dr. Grey walks off, and Tucker looks at Caboose.)
Tucker: Don't ever stick your dick in crazy.
Caboose: I have no idea what that means.
Tucker: (sadly) I know.
- A deleted scene has the Red Team try interrogating Zachary before Grey, with Simmons telling his life story of being bullied, Donut singing a song from one of his 12 musicals he wrote while in the Red Army, Lopez doing "celebrity impersonations," mainly famous annoying telephone answering tones, and Grif, being too lazy, bringing in Caboose instead, who insists that Zachary "tell him all his secrets" and then repeats "Do it" repeatedly, shortening the intervals until he is repeatedly chanting it, at which point Zachary starts screaming.
- It crosses over with an Awesome Moment, but Zachary reveals that it was a tractor beam that caused the UNSC ship to crash, and not the Reds and Blues' antics. Those antics ripped the ship in half instead.
Zachary: It was like the ship tried to jump to slipspace, change course and power down, all at the same time. It didn't make any sense! Instead of pulling you down, the ship got...ripped apart.
Washington: ...I'm... gonna go ahead and claim partial responsibility for that.
- As the mercenaries catch up to them, Church calls out positions while Carolina and Wash get ready to hold them off in the medical lab. Then the rest of the Blood Gulch Crew retreats into the room, their voices overlapping into a panicked babble that reinforces the fact that they aren't exactly a team of badass commandoes. Most of the time, anyway.
- Carolina's exasperation at Church and Tucker's apology to each other.
- Freckles is debugged. Now he just needs to get 'fixed'.
- This moment between Bitters and Smith after a Rousing Speech from Kimball.
Bitters: Yeah, we're totally dead.
(Smith punches Bitters)
Smith: Not. The time.
- Palomo tries to think of the "Super Elite Team" as The Avengers, citing that Smith is Captain America, Jensen is Black Widow, and he's Tony Stark. Bitters disagrees and claims that if anything, Palomo is Hawkeye... movie Hawkeye, which prompts a violent response from him.
- Doyle is "a leader, not a fighter".
- Even in an episode of him being awesome, Washington still can't get a break in some areas.
Wash: If it's not a car, its a cliff.
- Simmons taunting a (black-armored) pirate.
Simmons: [pops out of cover] Hey, suck it, Black! [hides again]
Pirate: [turning to look] What?
Simmons: [popping out again] Just to clarify, that wasn't a race thing!
- Dr Grey trying to help the Reds when they gang-tackle one of the pirates.
Grey: Aim for the jugular!
Grif: [offscreen fighting] Ow!
Grey: The jugular!
Grey: PUNCH HIM IN THE GODDAMN THROAT!
Grif: Well, why didn't you just say so?!
- And after easily sidestepping Tucker's first sword swing, Felix has this to say.
Felix: Round one, Felix. (bows with a mockingly wise voice and his hand holding the knife in his other hand.)
Tucker: God, you're a fucking tool.
- Lopez is reduced to just a head, again. And then he remembers that he can control the body remotely.
Lopez: ¡Tienes que estar bromeando! (You've got to be fucking kidding me!)
- Sarge makes Doyle promote him to Colonel so he outranks Grif again. In the credits, he is listed as Col. Sarge.
- Epsilon giving Carolina a hard time about her performance against the Mercs.
- "From your friends, the incredibly badass and sexually attractive Red and Blue soldiers of Project Freelancer. PS: Suck our balls."
- Caboose put Freckles in his gun.
- Lt Smith revealing that his middle name is Elizabeth.
Smith: Or my name isn't John Elizabeth Andersmith!
Tucker: Oh god, is it?!
Episode 1: Prologue
- In a dark way, Felix casually and bluntly explaining to the ship's crew that he's going to kill them and take their prisoners.
- The Mercs let the prisoners know of the change of command of the ship.
Locus: Quiet... As of this moment, we are the new crew of this ship.
Random Prisoner: Well, who the hell are you?
Felix: (taking the microphone while giving Locus a 'you tried' pat on the shoulder) Why don't you let the people person handle this, okay?
- And after the purge, Locus almost deadpans "Congratulations, you're hired." before dropping the mic and walking away.
- Matthews has thanked Grif for what he and the rest of his friends have done for them. 56 times. He's glad Grif hasn't gotten annoyed. Grif has.
- Simmons's and Donut's fashion commenting on the Fed gunner's armor.
- Similarly, the Fed Gunner commenting on how his armor and BFG make him look distinctive. Even better? His distinct choice of weapon and armor make him look like he'll be an important recurring character. He isn't. While he appears a couple of times towards the end of the series, he's never given an important role or even a name.
- Simmons telling the arguing soldiers that the armory is no place for violence and that if they won't calm down, he won't give them a gun.
- Lopez asking that Jensen not be allowed to drive the vehicles she fixes anymore because she drives like a cross between a young teen and an old lady. Who is also blind. Unfortunately, his request falls on deaf ears for one very important, recurring, reason.
Grif: Lopez, I don't speak Spanish. I have never spoken Spanish.
Simmons: Yeah, get with the times and just assimilate!
Lopez: (Cool. I'm cutting the brakes on your next Warthog.)
- Palomo rendering Wash silent by giving a good reason for not doing well at target practice. With a Motor Mouth. Also, he's trying to make a smiley face with bullet holes.
- Grif's utter indifference to Wash making the others suffer for his laziness.
- When Grif finally leaves the training room, the others get done with their laps. Smith is no worse for wear and actually seems a bit chipper, while the others are visibly exhausted.
- Grif interrupting an important meeting to demand extra rations. Including bigger steaks. Kimball gets frustrated enough to assign him to dishwashing duty.
- Doyle manages to get in some good snark at Kimball.
Grif: HEY! We have a problem.
Doyle: (Looking at Kimball) Is it tan with a blue visor?
- Tucker doing a taunting victory dance in front of some captured Space Pirates to the tune of Another One Bites The Dust, with Sarge singing along behind him. Carolina, with quite a bit of humor in her voice, tells them to stop, because they don't need to inflict cruel and unusual punishment. Church is left confused by it all.
Church: In all the years we spent in the canyon, when the hell did he learn to dance?
- Apparently the alien towers are a regular tourist attraction to the people of Chorus... and they had funnel cake. Epsilon freaks out about how nonchalantly they treat the towers.
Epsilon: Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. You're telling me that people on this planet are just used to seeing flying space shit like that?
Fed Soldier: Pretty much. (Calls to other soldier) Hey, Randy! You ever seen one of those alien towers before?
Randy: Oh, yeah! My dad took me to one when I was a kid!
Fed soldier: They're nice, right?
Randy: Oh yeah! They had funnel cake right outside, too!
Fed Soldier: I remember that!
Randy: (Laughs) Yeah. Good times.
Fed Soldier: (To Epsilon) So, yeah. Pretty common.
Epsilon: How is this not a bigger deal?
Fed Soldier: Well, come on, man. I mean, they've been around forever and they don't really do anything...
Epsilon: IT'S A GIANT FLYING TOWER!
Fed Soldier: And you're a dead guy that's also somehow an AI, okay? That shit's weird too, but you don't hear me going on about it!
- The return of Dr Grey. Church and Carolina are thrilled to be having to deal with her again.
Dr Grey: I can't tell you how nice it is to get out of the office and away from all the complaining. "My leg hurts." "I need blood." "But I don't want a robot arm."
- Then it's revealed that the robot arm is something that Sarge requested.
- When Grey makes a discovery, her squeal over the radios is painful, in and out of universe. Then she gets in a struggle with somebody on her end, fighting over the microphone.
- The comments about how "fast" Tucker is. He's very defensive about it. Which elicits a "Wait, what?" reaction from Epsilon.
- Caboose finally returning to go on a field trip. And consequently running amok of the base, including at one point crashing a Mongoose.
Caboose We are going to a field!
- And it was Church's idea to bring Caboose along. And Tucker, the other Blue going on the 'field trip', is not grateful for it.
Tucker: You're dead to me.
- Simmons taking offense to Dr. Grey saying that he's the smartest, or at least smarter than his friends.
Simmons: Why did you need to clarify that?
- Sarge berates Caboose for yelling at the base to when they're trying to scope it out. Then he yells at the base to ignore Caboose.
Tucker: Good save, Sarge.
- Freckles was given full control over Caboose's rifle. If Caboose pulls the trigger, it fires confetti and makes party sounds. He fires it at a rock that looked like Church.
Caboose: Tucker did it.
- Also, how did Dr. Grey determine that giving control of the rifle to Freckles instead of Caboose was the safer of the two options?
Dr. Grey: I gave Caboose the rifle for about five seconds. What a busy day at the hospital that turned out to be!
- Dr Grey alternating between serious and manic modes.
Dr. Grey: [Serious] This is the audio recording of Doctor Emily Grey. Number 05519. Upon arriving at the excavation site, I made several observations. One: There is a large alien structure protruding from the ground and extending into the sky. Two: [Excited] It's nice and sunny out today and I love it. End log.
Tucker: Ladies and gentlemen, the smartest person on the entire planet.
Caboose: I know. It's really intimidating.
- Caboose speaks Wingding.
Caboose: It's a misunderstood language.
- The Lieutenants are a bit tired of running laps. So they jump Grif.
Grif: (Sees all four lieutenants waiting for him) Um... hello?
Jensen: Can't help but notice you haven't been by the training room yet.
(Grif looks around. The four lieutenants are being backed up by a mix of Federal Army and New Republic soldiers, all of whom are surrounding Grif.)
Grif: Is Wash still making them...?
Grif: And all of them are...
Bitters: ...Real tired of running laps.
Grif: (Starts backing away) Yeah... I gotta go now--
Palomo: TAKE HIM! TAKE HIM NOW!
(The whole group yells battle cries as they charge at Grif and start pummeling him off-screen.)
- Caboose starts doing the signature RvB catchphrase, but spaces out before he can finish. What follows is him thinking he's seen Church - so his first impulse is to try and shoot him.
Caboose: Sorry, kinda spaced out- IS THAT CHURCH?! ''(Freckles makes party noise and confetti flies out)'' Nope. Rock.
- Sarge explaining the proper etiquette of responding to a booming alien voice to Tucker, using Punctuated Pounding.
Sarge: WHEN THE VOICE! (punch) OF ALIEN! (punch) JESUS! (punch) CALLS DOWN TO YOU! (punch) YOU DO NOT RESPOND WITH "WHAT'S UP"!
- Donut is playing around with a supposedly broken plasma rifle, when Simmons comes to berate him for being a bad influence on the kids.
Simmons: Oh wait, Caboose went with Sarge, go nuts.
- Tucker and Donut playing with their weapons, prompting their allies on either side to think aloud that the other group probably didn't have to put up with this kind of behavior.
- After all of the alien devices go berserk and blow up, Lopez walks into the armory, takes one look at the wreckage, and says what is translated as, "I am not cleaning that up."
- Felix dealing with the revelation that the Insurectionist Flame guy actually calls himself "Sharkface".
Felix: Pfftt, Sharkface, Locusnote , whatever happened to normal fucking names. I mean, am I crazy?
The Counselor: Well...
Felix: Don't psychoanalyze me!
- Even before that is Felix's initial assertion after finding out the Insurrectionist Flame guys name:
The Counselor: He calls himself Sharkface.
Felix: What is he, a Batman villain?
- Tucker carries a physical picture of Junior with his 5th grade basketball team.note
Doyle: Well that's the last thing I expected to see today... Or ever.
Tucker: Yeah I know? Who carries around actual photographs anymore?
- After spending the last few episodes telling Sarge how much he wished he could see his fearless leader in action out in the battlefield, Simmons gets his wish:
Donut: Well if you really want to go Lopez and I can look after the armory.
Sarge: Excellent suggestion, Donut. Simmons, looks like you get to see your fearless Colonel on the battlefield after all.
Grif [to Donut]: I'm going to kill you in your sleep.
- Grif laments losing yet another alien weapon.
- Andersmith goes to the armory while Donut's on break. Nobody's there, yet the 'open' sign is out, so he'll give them two more hours. Seems Caboose really is influencing him.
- Washís reaction to seeing Jensen driving by. Quickly justified in that there is an immediate and literal pileup with her and her Warthog on top. Simmons is utterly baffled how she was able to do that much damage that quickly while only driving at a slow speed. But donít worry, Palomo comes out unharmed. At least until Bitters crashes his Warthog into him.
Bitters: This where we parkin' the cars?
- Back when he first showed up, Church told Caboose that the gas cans in the Warthogs had lemonade... And Caboose has been treating them as such since. This includes just before blowing out his birthday candles.
- After Epsilon tries to get Carolina to loosen up a bit, she responds to one of Tuckerís statements with "Bow chicka wah what? Isnt that the joke?" Epsilon tells her to maybe tighten back up slightly, and Tucker is horrified. Carolina is genuinely confused about what she's doing wrong.
Tucker: Did she just say my thing?
Caboose: Um, no? Uh, Tucker, that's "hey chicka bum bum". Awkward.
Carolina: [To Epsilon] You said to loosen up!
Epsilon: That's a little too loose. Just tighten that back up a little bit.
Tucker: I feel violated!
- Felix does not like reporting to Hargrove:
Felix: The guy's a prick.
Locus He's our employer.
Felix Still a prick.
- And the first thing Hargrove does is chew them out over the alien technology being destroyed by the activation of the Temple of Arms:
- Felix's comments after it's all over:
Felix: What did I tell you? Fucking prick.
- Felix's usual direct manner of testing what the portal does. By kicking in a random soldier into it.
Felix: Guess we'll find out.
- When the 'volunteer' returns, talking about facing his past:
Felix: Oh man, if we're gonna meet every person we've wronged or some bullshit, it's gonna take forever.
Felix: Seriously dude, I'm talking weeks!
- Felix's opinion of himself:
Felix: Oh, bullshit! I know what this is about! Why do you know I'm not the true warrior.
Locus: Because you're you.
Felix: Yeah, and being me is awesome!
- Felix managing to verbally trip up Locus.
Felix: Just don't cry to me when you lose.
Locus: I won't. [Awkward Pause] Lose. I won't lose.
Felix: Too late, fucked it up.
- Wash acting so Out of Character that the Reds take notice and are creeped out. It's hinted that he thinks that they're all going to die, which Grif calls him out on.
Grif: You think we're going to fucking die!
Wash: No, I don't!
Grif: No, you do! You definitely do! You're getting all sentimental and shit!
Wash: Nooo, guys. Come on! You'll be fine. I've got total faith in you. You're some of the best soldiers I ever knew.
Simmons: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT PAST-TENSE BULLSHIT?!
- Tucker's "attempt" on the true warrior test. He goes in and gets sent back out immediately.
- The AI finds his true warrior in Caboose...whom he realizes is too stupid to get what he's talking about.
- Caboose names the alien AI Santa. Everybody is dumbfounded... except for the AI. The icing on the cake? The music stops shortly after this particular revelation, as if to ask, "Wait, what?"
- Dr. Grey says the UNSC had ample time to study the ruins and gave up, whereas they've only been there a few minutes. Cut to some UNSC equipment that was left behind with a label marked "Fuck You!"
- Kimball's caravan is brought to a screeching halt when she hears that the away team "apparently found Santa."
- Among the various devices left behind by the aliens on the planet is the Temple of Procreation which was designed to "throw the inhabitants of Chorus into a rabid sexual frenzy with the intent to increase a potentially dwindling population." There's also the towers of weather control, gravity control, arms, communication, and interior decorating.
- His name is Santa, thank you very much.
Church: I refuse to call you that.
- During the fight at Site Alpha, one of the Fed soldiers is wounded... and, much to the exasperation of the New Republic medic treating him, his grasp of anatomical positioning is a little loose:
Fed Soldier: Oh, god! They shot me right in the lap!
Republic Medic: ...So, like...the upper thigh...?
- Then, when told that he was also hit in the tummy, the medic just says it's going to be a long day.
- All made even funnier when you realize they are being played by the Game Grumps.
- Sarge is ecstatic about fighting the overwhelming odds. Grif and Simmons decidedly less so. Sarge's plan for breaking through their offensive—a slow-motion charge—doesn't improve their optimism.
Simmons: Love the enthusiasm, it's great sir, really, but do you think we could try something that won't get my head blown off?
Sarge: You could always switch seats with Grif.
Grif: Screw this, we're regrouping with Wash!
- It gets better when Sarge goes to Kimball and Wash. They don't get how he can just make something slow motion, either.
- The space pirates, headed by Felix and Sharkface, reach the temple where Chorus' sword-key is being kept... but someone already beat them to it! Who do we have to thank for throwing a spanner into their plan to kill everybody on the planet?
General Doyle: Oh lord. Of all the people on this planet, why am I the only one down here with this bloody thing?!
Donut: (Over radio) Duh! Because all your other men are flying to Kimball and Carolina. (Cut to Donut and Lopez flying a plane) Besides, you've got the best camouflage out of all of us.
General Doyle: Just circle back around and pick me up, for God's sake!
Lopez: El templo todavía está interfiriendo con nuestros controles. Vamos a tener que aterrizar más lejos. (The temple is still interfering with our controls. We'll have to land farther away.)
Donut: Good point, Lopez. You get that, General?
General Doyle: What? No! I no hablo espanol!
- Guess who's back? Doc, the medic! Only, the Reds and Blues barely remember that he vanished in the first place. He... doesn't take it well when he realizes this.
Doc: (Lapsing into his O'Malley persona) You incompetent fools! You will all taste OBLIVION!
- Felix being a prick to Sharkface.
Sharkface: This is it.
Felix: Oh, good! You know, I really wasn't sure until you said that! Why don't you put those AMAZING powers of observation to use and stand guard! Okay? Okay.
(Felix walks away.)
Sharkface (to random Space Pirate): Is he always like that?
Space Pirate: You just kind of learn to tune it out.
- One of the Feds seeing the irony of an "over my dead body" incident.
- Grey is delighted to have this chance to work with such an 'interesting' set of personalities.
- Sarge gets his slow motion 'Dirtbag'. And as he drives away:
Sarge: Life finds a way!
- The sheer fact that part of Washington's plan against Locus involves the old hat-on-a-stick technique.
- "What the fuck is with this guy?!"
- Epsilon 'sitting' on the the chest of the unconcious Carolina.
Epsilon: She is gonna be so pissed off when she wakes up.
- Locus picking Felix up.
Felix: And you say I talk too much.
Locus: You do.
- Doyle's moping and finally leaves to go sulk in his room. Even better is when he tells them to find him if they need him.
Simmons: Actually, you never actually told us where your room is.
Doyle: Well, then I'm a failure at leaving, too.
- Sarge still points his shotgun at Caboose.
- The returned Doc lapsing into his O'Malley persona after having it confirmed that yes, no one quite realized that he disappeared.
Donut: ...And then it turned out that Felix was evil, so we exposed the truth, stopped the civil war, and now we're fighting to send a distress call to Earth!
Doc: And at no point, during any of this, did you realize I was missing?
Donut: (Donut and Grey exchange looks) ...Apparently not!
O'Malley: Argh, I will destroy you all for your insufferable ignorance!
- Dr. Grey taking the presence of Doc's omnicidal split personality in absolute stride.
Dr. Grey: This is easily the most vocal split personality I've ever seen. But I suppose an eternity in isolation will do that to you. Now, Mr. O'Malley, when you say you wish to "destroy us all", what exactly do you mean by that?
Doc/O'Malley: I mean you will cease to exist! You will all die by my hand! Hahahaha! Really, it's quite self-explanatory.
Dr. Grey: Well, I think there is serious issues here we're just starting to get ahold of. Nothing a little electroshock therapy couldn't fix.
Doc/O'Malley: Ah-ha ha ha—I beg your pardon?
Dr. Grey: (Raising an electrode) After you, handsome.
Doc: Uh, wait! Can't we talk about this?
Donut: We're gonna fix you right up, Doc! Where should I stick the thermometer?
Doc: Uh, I think I need to get a second opinion! (Runs off)
Dr. Grey: We've got a runner!
Doc: You'll never take me alive! I ran track in high school!
- Cue Dr. Grey chasing the hapless Doc across the base.
Dr. Grey: Running only makes me want you more!
- The Red and Blues try to ease tensions between the Feds and the New Republic. It... doesn't go well.
- Grif's follow-up plan is to invite Doyle and Kimball to the same restaurant, telling them that the other wanted to apologize to them. When Simmons points out that this is essentially the same plot idea used in old sitcoms, Grif shows that he's inherited some of Sarge's Insane Troll Logic and capacity for Bat Deduction:
Grif: One of those old sitcoms was called "Friends," and that's what we want [Doyle and Kimball] to be!
- Church/Epsilon comparing his inability to run multiple Freelancer gadgets to another set of "performance issues".
- Epsilon sarcastically hopes that the mercenaries are just as frustrated as the rest of the BGC are. Cut to Felix discovering how he's ended up with a Meaningless Villain Victory— yes, he intimidated General Doyle into surrendering the key, but since said key is still bonded to Doyle, Felix can't use it! And Shark-Face is proving completely dry-witted in the face of Felix's borderline Villainous Breakdown, provoking him further, thus leaving it to Locus to keep them from killing each other.
Felix: (banging the sword-key against a table) I! AM EXTREMELY! FRUSTRATED!
- Part of his angry rant against Sharkface includes calling him "Fishstick."
- Doc's counseling derails quickly.
Agent Washington: (Turning to Kimball and Doyle as Doc starts up) I'm so sorry.
- Grif and Doc roleplay as each other. O'Malley takes over and gives a really harsh "The Reason You Suck" Speech towards Grif.
Grif: (unenthusiastically) Um, hey! Look at me, I'm Doc.
Doc: (entering the O'Malley persona) And I'm Dexter Grif, reporting for duty! Oh, wait, never mind! I forgot that I'm a worthless sack of human excrement that wouldn't be caught dead following orders, because I'm too busy wishing my parents loved me as much as my sister! (Evil laugh) Maybe if I had a stable father figure growing up, I wouldn't be so opposed to order! But I guess that's just what happens when your mother turns tricks behind the elephant cage at the circus! (Evil laugh) Here, Dex, have some more cotton candy! (Evil laugh)
(Everyone turns to stare at Grif)
Grif: (Voice breaking) It was a nice circus...
Doc: (Returning to normal, apologetic) Oh, gosh. Sorry about that... Maybe we should try something else?
Sarge: I dunno; I think we're making progress!
- Caboose and Tucker go up to talk about their feelings.
Caboose: Tucker, when you call me names like stupid, and really stupid, it makes me feel sad.
Tucker: Caboose, when you volunteered us to demonstrate speaking our feelings, it made me feel like hitting you in the God damn mouth.
Caboose: Yes. Well, now I feel sadder.
- When Doc suggests role-playing, Donut calls being the cop, eliciting a Flat "What." response from Simmons.
- When the pirates start closing in on their position, the BGC "hide." Grif makes a snowman to hide in. And Caboose just stands out in the open, facing away from the door.
Simmons: Dammit! We suck at hiding.
- Sarge doing a supply check:
Sarge: Machine gun!
Sarge: Rocket launcher! (Beat) Rocket launcher...?
Doc/O'Malley: (Steps into frame, loading a rocket launcher) Oh, you better goddamn believe it. Muhehehehehe...
Tucker: (regarding Doc/O'Malley) I am NOT sitting next to him on the plane.
- When the time comes to take off, Grif can't get the Pelican started. It seems like something's stuck in the engines. Grif laments that Lopez isn't around to find the problem...
Grif: ...Wait a minute. Where is Lopez?
Simmons: (Over the radio) The last I saw him, he was in the garage!
(Cue pounding noises coming from the engine, with the muffled voice of Lopez cursing in Spanish)
Grif: Oh, shit.
Lopez: YO ESTABA ARREGLANDO EL MOTOR! (I WAS FIXING THE ENGINE, YOU FUCK!)
- Unable to break into the motor pool where the Reds and Blues are holding them off until the Pelican can get airborne, the space pirates assume that they're dealing with the best soldiers that Chorus' inhabitants can throw at them. In truth, they're being held off by such characters as a Cloud Cuckoolander with an auto-targeting assault rifle, a Technical Pacifist with an Ax-Crazy Split Personality wielding a rocket launcher, and a Drill Sergeant Nasty with a penchant for Insane Troll Logic carrying a mounted turret.
- Simmons manages to extricate Lopez's parts from the Pelican's engine— which Lopez celebrates by using his remotely-controlled headless body to try and strangle Grif, who got him mangled by the engine in the first place.
- When Doyle reaches the reactor controls, the text crawl on the main terminal reads as follows:
Reactor Terminal: Do not touch. (beat) Seriously. Don't. (beat) DANGEROUS.
- Doyle wanting to quote Shakespeare as part of his Heroic Sacrifice, but sheepishly admitting that the quote he had in mind didn't actually come from the Bard.
- As of this episode, Doyle, of all people, has the highest kill count of the series.
- While simultaneously awesome, terrifying, and saddening, Sharkface's death is also darkly amusing.
Sharkface: ...As long as I'm alive, you're all as good as DEAD!
(Wash and Kimball shrug, and gun him down)
- While mostly a mixture of Tear Jerker, Nightmare Fuel, and simultaneous Crowning Moments of Heartwarming and Awesome, there is one funny part near the beginning of Kimball's speech:
Kimball: Excuse me, if I could have your attention please. I know many of you probably don't care for what I have to say, but it's something that needs to be said.
Wash: Think she can do this?
Tucker: Hell yeah! Kimball's a great speaker!
Kimball: I never believed this truce would last.
Tucker: Ohh-ho-hoh God, we're screwed!
- Also, Church and Carolina compare attacking the comm facility guarded by Charon Industries' elite guard to a round of "Capture the Flag." This does little to encourage the Blood Gulch Crew:
Grif: You know we're terrible at Capture the Flag, right?
Simmons: So, assuming all of this plays out the way we hope it will, we still need to take over a heavily-fortified alien tower. Anybody else seeing a problem here?
Sarge: We emptied the armory as best we could, but we're still not exactly armed to the teeth.
Doc: It's also worth mentioning that half of our army still hates the other half of our army.
- Felix, meanwhile, has as much fun as Tucker when it comes to activating his Energy Sword.
- Wash still doesn't like traveling by grappling hook.
- Wash and Felix's Boss Banter has quite a few gems.
- Carolina snags Felix with her grapple gun. Felix grabs on to Wash, dragging him off the platform with him.
Wash: (dangling above the pit) OHHHHHHH MY GOD!
Felix: You drop me, you drop us both!
Wash: (waving his hands frantically) DO! NOT! DROP HIM!
- Aiden Price's attempt to Face Death with Dignity is arguably ruined by his last few words.
Price: Oh, son of a bitch...
- Felix continues to be very immature.
Felix: I'm not tired, YOU'RE TIRED.
- Earlier, when he and Locus get on the platform, he flips off Wash and Carolina.
- Matthews saves the Fed heavy-gunner by ramming a Charon assassin with a Ghost hover-cycle— and then goes roaring off into the distance, yelping in helpless alarm. Seeing this, Simmons has this to say:
Simmons: Yeah...maybe giving alien vehicles to human drivers wasn't such a good idea.
Doc: (Roaring past on his own Ghost, firing the plasma cannons in full O'Malley persona) Speak for yourself! Mua-ha ha ha ha ha!
- After being teleported and setting up the broadcast for the message, they discover that Felix isn't as dead as they thought.
Simmons: (increasingly hysterical) I thought you said they were dead!
Epsilon: (actually hysterical) We dropped a fucking spaceship on them, it was kind of assumed!
- Felix's fight with the Blood Gulch Crew combines awesome with hilarity:
- Felix runs to escape the Reds and Blues' ambush, only to be clotheslined by O'Malley, who taunts him before pointing a rocket launcher at him. Felix can only whimper right before he's shot in the face.
Doc/O'Malley: (Clotheslines Felix with the Rocket Launcher) Oh, please. I'm the original bad boy. Muhehehe...
- Felix gets ahold of Caboose's rifle — which, in addition to being modified with auto-targeting, also shoots confetti whenever Caboose has the potential to team-kill someone— and tries to execute Caboose with it. Guess what happens. Go on, guess. Freckles not only fires confetti into Caboose's face, but smacks Felix in the face by shooting itself.
- Really, after everything Felix has done, him receiving a Curb-Stomp Battle and Humiliation Conga from the same people he called losers is nothing short of therapeutic and gut-bustingly hilarious.
- When Felix throws his Great Key at Tucker, Locus and Caboose, the former two dive out of the way. Caboose, meanwhile, opts to just topple backwards instead.
- Felix runs to escape the Reds and Blues' ambush, only to be clotheslined by O'Malley, who taunts him before pointing a rocket launcher at him. Felix can only whimper right before he's shot in the face.
- Guess who's seen during Church's galaxy-wide transmission? Sister! And she's just as much of a perky Lovable Sex Maniac as ever, if her remarks about the last time she saw Lopez are anything to go by. And of course, she identifies him as the "grey guy".
- The entire Blood Gulch Crew trying to pack themselves into a single aircraft, with some of them literally hanging out the sides.
- Freckles being jealous of Caboose's reaction to seeing F.I.L.S.S.
- Sarge nonchalantly stepping on the remnants of Hargrove's coffee mug after Lopez and Donut tip over the desk and use it to barricade the door.
- Caboose exclaiming in horror at seeing Hargrove on the monitor.
Caboose: He's so bald!
- The teaser trailer which sees a Freelancer Pelican slam through a supposedly metaphorical window in space.
Carolina: What the hell was that?!
North: I think it was a window?
Wyoming: Knock Knock!
South: He said 'window', not 'door'.
York: A window? Just, on its own? I mean, not attached to anything?
Niner: What the hell's a window doing in the middle of space?!
Wash: I DON'T KNOW! JUST KEEP FLYING!
(Two Longswords blast past the screen while firing)
- Among the people contributing to this? Actual Canadian Barbara Dunkleman!
- Shortly after a staff roll, the Blood Gulch Crew's Pelican bumps into the logo, to Sarge's confusion.
Sarge: What the heck was that?!
Caboose: I think it was a logo.
- Church arguing with another Church in the Epsilon unit over how to find Tex. One Church gets so fed up that he slugs his double, hurting both of them. And then the punchline;
Church 1: What if we killed Caboose?
Church 2: What would that do?
Church 1: Make me feel a lot better.
Church 2: Huh. Good point.
- Grif, Simmons, and a guy called Hammer need remedial training and are sent to Timberland on a recon mission. Hilarity Ensues.
- Hammer is one giant communist joke.
Grif: Every time you go against democracy, an eagle dies!
- The bomb that kills Hammer has "REDS SUCK" written on it.
- Unbeknownst to, and unfortunately for Grif and Simmons, the mission was actually a success. What they think was a failure and a lie has escalated into the two of them graduating from training and being sent out to the simulation war.
Grif: Is it too late to tell you that we didn't actually do anything and Hammer died a foolish death?
- Hammer is one giant communist joke.
- This episode shows process in which Sarge was chosen for Blood Gulch. There are an entire squad of them, all with the same kind of mindset as Sarge, much to Florida's glee.
- Sarge got his name by taking "dress for the job you want" to it's illogical conclusion.
- The potential Sergeants are so alike that they start speaking in unison.
- When asked to guide Buckshot through defusing a live bomb, Sarge asks for a flamethrower (decorated Sharkface style, through some insane coincidence), which he then uses to burn the instructions for how to defuse it. Because using the instructions would have been cheating. Needless to say, Buckshot does not survive the exercise.
- One of Flowers' potential recruits answers every question by talking about how great a listener he is. He completely forgets what they were talking about. Really says a lot about Tucker...
- When Flowers returns from interviewing the Blues to check on the Reds, he is stunned to see all but two (Sarge and Daggerknife) dead. Apparently Sarge assumed that the rubber bullets that Lemons had given them were an error, so they all swapped them for live rounds.
- Lemons has no idea who to give the post to, since the survivors are both equally incompetent. Sarge and Daggerknife decide that it's up to them to choose. Daggerknife decides to prove that he's the best man for the job by shooting himself in the head. Sarge agrees that this makes him the perfect candidate.
- We learn the true story of Private Jimmy. It's a combination of Nightmare Fuel and Black Comedy:
Flowers: Prepare him for A.I. implantation.
Jimmy: Wait, wha—AAAH! WHAT'RE YOU DOING TO MY SKULL?! AAAHH!! THIS DOESN'T SEEM PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE!!!
- "Nothing short of an aspirin overdose will stop this plan from succeeding!"
- Flowers forgot to account for one other variable—himself. Tripping over a power cable caused Vic to short-circuit, turning him into the erratic and rambling idiot of the Blood Gulch Chronicles.
Vic: Agent Florida-da-DA-dA-Da-DA-DA-DA—DUDE!
- Not to mention that said short-circuit replaced the roster of replacements—instead of Freelancer agents, the list included future characters such as Caboose, Donut, and Sister!
- Simmons is inexplicably sensitive about the Vegas Quadrant.
- Flowers theorizes that the Blood Gulch "conflict" will be at such a stalemate that it'll last for fourteen seasons.
Flowers: I prefer to think of the passage of time in terms of the four seasons as opposed to the standard Gregorian calendar.
- The utterly bizarre feeling that comes after Sarge says this. It's like something out of a twisted Mirror Universe episode.
Sarge: Thank you, Private Grif, for reporting this incident! You sure are a fine soldier. I think you and I are gonna get along just fine.
- This is actually a reference to the inconsistency of the first episode of Red vs Blue, where Grif and Simmons' relationship with Sarge were swapped.
- Church and Tucker meet for the first time:
Tucker: Sup, are you a chick?
Church: Yeah, I don't like you.
- This episode is basically The LEGO Movie but with Red vs Blue.
- Answering the classic question.
Grif: You ever wonder why we're here?
Simmons: I actually have a theory about that! You see, it's all about connections. I'm connected to the ground, the ground is connected to you, you're connected to Blue Base. It's like we're all one thing.
Grif: I can't decide if that's deep or just literal.
- Simmons asks Caboose to bring them something valuable and important. Caboose brings them Church. The sight of Caboose holding his "best friend" in his arms is both funny and heartwarming. Even funnier is how the two actually consider bringing Church to Sarge as a prisoner.
- The kid in this one? It's a young Malcom Hargrove! Guess his evil ways had some very early roots. And his mother is played by Jen Brown. Even in an alternate universe, Carolina saves the BGC in some way.
- The Running Gag of Simmons thinking that all potential threats have sight based on movement.
Grif: You say that about everything and it's NEVER been true!
- Grif and the giant slice of pizza.
Grif: It was worth it...
- When they return to their sets:
Grif: Kill me...
- The lampshading of Donut somehow coming back less than three minutes after being killed.
- Tucker tries throwing a firecracker at Malcolm. It has the effect you'd expect. Well, it does get him grounded, so it's something.
- At the end of the episode, Caboose brings Sarge a cake to wish him a happy birthday. Too bad the candle he uses is a firecracker.
- Sue, bragging about how cool he looks, accentuates the point by flexing and turning around to show off his ass.
- Cherry assures the Funhaus Reds that her old alien programming is gone, and that she's happy to serve "feeble human scum."
- How did the Funhaus Reds defeat their rival blue team? They didn't. Cherry did.
"Was it our plan to have a giant spaceship crash down on the blue base? No. But did we capitalize on that moment like some badass Red soldiers entrenched in a seemingly never-ending battle with our cerulean enemy? HELL YEAH!"
- What was the designation of this enemy team that was so unceremoniously Killed Offscreen? AH13.
- A Running Gag is established of Captain Morgan being mocked for sharing a name with a brand of rum.
- Another Running Gag of Santos complaining about the ship not having a wine-bar.
- When Turf's Red Team goes to scope out Blood Gulch, since it's set in Season One, there's much Leaning on the Fourth Wall with the difference in graphics.
- Turf's plan to wipe out the Blood Gulch Blues? The same way that FH 57's Blue enemies were killed: crashing Cherry into their base. Needless to say, the other soldiers are less than enthusiastic about this....
Morgan: Er, Colonel, don't you think you're being a bit rash?
Turf: Do you think they called George Washington rash?!
Drag: George Washington didn't try to crash a spaceship into a base hidden in a box canyon full of blue-armored space-marines!
Turf: Heh, sounds like I got one up on Washington himself! Sink your wooden teeth into that, George!
- Turf continues proving himself to be the "Sarge" of FH57 by coming up with completely grandiose and impractical plans to distract and/or kill the Blues. When Morgan convinces him to scout out Blood Gulch instead of engaging in the Suicide Attack mentioned above, Turf still wants to draw the Blues away from Sheila by blowing up a whole mountain with tons of C4— which is not only unnecessary, but impossible, seeing as how the scouting team didn't even bring C4.
- Santos discovers that Peake actually found the aliens that own the spaceship in the cargo hold, but has been covertly taking care of them due to having been ignored every time he tried to tell the others. What's the first thought that comes into his head? Using them to take over the ship...so that he can finally have that wine-bar he's always wanted.
- FH57's away team running into Caboose, who was summoned by Sue's "desert dance". Of course, Caboose finds the sudden appearance of graphically superior Red soldiers plotting to kill him and his team on the cliffs to be simply "weird."
- Sue proves to be the "Donut" of the FH57 simply through his interactions with Caboose;
Sue: So, it's really, really important that no one knows we're here. Otherwise, we can't kill all of your friends!
Caboose: Ah, yeah. That makes sense.
Turf: (Sighs, cocks gun) Imma shoot 'em both!
- This episode is a faux-trailer for a live-action movie staring Sarge called Sarge V Tucker: Origin of Sin... Which turns out to be a preview for a movie the Blood Gulch Crew is about to watch.
Sarge: They... butchered my movie! [...] It was supposed to be a tone piece about the nature of war! And that McConaughey guy is a total miscast for me! The guy has no shoulders!
Washington: Seriously? That whole thing looked right up your alley!
Sarge: Cleary, you don't understand my refined tastes, Agent Washington!
- "Blonde, bisexual, bridesmaid... That is the unicorn of club girls."
- The duo's preparations are interrupted by a club goer wanting to use the bathroom. Their response is to drag him into the bathroom and leave him unconscious inside one of the stalls.
- The subtitles for part of the fight describe the sounds as "Blunt force trauma".
- Locus tosses a stun grenade at two shooters at the same time Felix comes around the corner to shoot them. As a result, Felix takes the gas and is pissed.
- Immediately after that, one of the men they're fighting calls out about how they're dead meat while Felix and Locus are taking cover behind an overturned desk. Without even looking around it, Felix nonchalantly shoots the guy twice around the corner.
- Then they argue over the aforementioned gas incident.
Felix: You said comms were useless!
Locus: I meant downstairs!
Locus: (Throws an unconscious Gabriel down) THAT doesn't mean "remove your earpiece"!
Felix: Well, I'm sorry I couldn't read that broken fucking brain of yours, and suddenly know that you actually meant the opposite OF WHAT YOU FUCKING SAID!
- You really got to appreciate the irony in hearing Felix refer to himself and Locus as "the good guys".
- Siris lecturing Locus and Felix for not using their comms leads him to admit that he expects this recklessness from Felix, but not from Locus. You know that comment annoyed Felix.
- As the trio are driving along, Gabriel wakes up and starts yelling and banging on the inside of the car trunk. Felix's reaction? Casually turning on the radio loud enough to drown out Gabriel.
- Felix getting voice mails before finally reaching Ruben Lazano.
- Seconds later, when Reuben calls Felix and asks what he intends to do with Gabriel, Felix lets out a slight evil laugh that has Locus and Siris share a "Seriously?" glance.
- What happened to the girl that Gabriel snagged at the begining of the story? How did daddy know so much about Felix and Locus? She was under Gabriel's desk when it all went down, with it heavily implied that she wasn't there hiding from the mercs, but entertaining.
- After giving Felix a gun, Locus preemptively chews him out about using it to kill himself:
Locus: We have enough firepower. We also have the cliff to our backs, and a full understanding of the terrain. We have survived worse. But if you waste a single one of our rounds on yourself, I will be very unhappy.
- Felix, wounded in one leg and literally leaning on Locus for support, sees one of the mob soldiers and throws his knife at him. The butt end of the knife hits, instead of the blade. But, it's enough to get a Railing Kill. "That works." Locus giving him a "Are you serious?" look and Felix smiling gleefully back is the icing on the cake.
- After saving Siris from being killed by Ruben, all Felix can say is a matter-of-fact "What a douche.".
- Siris nonchalantly remarking that it would've been smarter to turn Ruben in for the reward money instead of killing him.
- The entire opening to the episode. The recruitment document is a standout, if you can read behind the black markup.
- The promotional video is very clearly the same for the Red and Blue armies, with the color of the team said in a completely different tone indicating it was essentially copy-pasted in.
- Whoever was making the video clearly wasn't expecting the Red and Blue teams to be evening more incompetent than advertised, and on good terms with each other.
- Grif and Simmons being caught looking at porn. It's worth pointing out that of the two photos visibly seen of said porn, one of them is Santa Claus.
- The interviewer decides to give Grif a rocket launcher. Simmons keeps wanting to know why he got it.
Grif: I can keep the rocket launcher, right?
- Sarge still refuses to believe that Grif is a Sergeant, going so far as to blast Simmons when he keeps mockingly talking about Grif's rank.
- Grif questions if they are back to hating the Blues, since both sides have been cool "since the whole alien thing with the Freelancer--"
Narrator: ALRIGHT, TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
- We eventually get to see part of the Blue recruitment tape. It's not that much better:
Narrator: Uh, gentlemen—
Tucker: (to Church) But I told [Sister] I had a sniper rifle! She's expecting me to bring it!
Church: (to Tucker) I don't care what you told Grif's sister! I am not letting you take my sniper rifle on your imaginary date!
Tucker: It's not imaginary! She's totally into me!
Narrator: Will you please just focus?!
Tucker: (to the Narrator) ...who are you again?
- In the teaser trailer for an upcoming episode in the Death Battle episode "Mewtwo vs. Shadow the Hedgehog, Grif brings back the "Ever wonder..?" question by asking if Simmons wondered who'd win between Agent Carolina and the Meta. Simmons scoffs at that, replying that "only nerds on the Internet would ask that!"
- "Oh, I didn't realize scariness was the deciding factor in a fight to the fucking death!"
- In the episode proper, Boomstick uses Grif to showcase the gear used by the combatants. Poor Grif.
- Which ties into the ending: Sarge realizes that Boomstick might be his son that he upped and abandoned and runs away. And Boomstick doesn't realize it. Even better as Boomstick is the only one who doesn't catch it, after Sarge awkwardly leaves everyone turns to Boomstick to see his reaction. Yes, even Caboose.
- Simmons and Grif finding out that Tex is Carolina's mother. Caboose claims it was "super obvious."
Simmons: Huh. ...suddenly everything makes a lot more sense.
Grif: Fuck, dude... remember when all we used to do was stand around and talk?
Simmons: Yeah, good times.
Grif: Good times...
- Grif thinks Wiz and Boomstick's names are the dumbest he's ever heard. Simmons reminds him that they work with Franklin Delano Donut.
- The fight itself has some funny moments too:
- Before the fight starts, Carolina is doing some target practice. Her time just falls short of her best, which means Epsilon gets to pick what movie they see. Carolina asks him not to pick another terrible action movie. Churchís response?
Epsilon: Oh, come on, theyíre hilarious. Everyone talks in one-liners and the plotís nonexistent. Itís like the characters are just there to beat the shit out of each other.
- A running gag in the show is that characters commonly mutter out, or shout "Son of a bitch!" before something really bad happens to them. Since Meta is mute, Church says it for him.
Epsilon: Hey! Hey hey! Hold up... Uh, hey so I know that you're about to pummel her ginger face in and all, but you also only talk in grunts. So, I'm just going to say this one line for you, kay? Just this one time. (Meta realizes that Carolina has his gun and is pointing it at him) OH! Son of a bitch!
- The reaction to the fight.
Grif: Holy shit!
Caboose: I know! He did not even have a head under his helmet! He was a ghost the whole time! Like Bruce Willis.
- Before the fight starts, Carolina is doing some target practice. Her time just falls short of her best, which means Epsilon gets to pick what movie they see. Carolina asks him not to pick another terrible action movie. Churchís response?
- A Red team and a Blue team are trapped in a room, and one soldier named Hutch dies when the lights briefly goes out. Hilarity Ensues;
- First, y'know that Deliberate Monochrome? That's not an aesthetic. The soldiers- each and every one of them -is colorblind! "What are the odds?"
- And of course, that leads to some confusion when none of them can remember which team they were on.
- And their attempts to figure out who shot Hutch. The narrator at the end reveals Hutch died of a heart attack just before a trigger was fired.
- VIC's utter amazement that Caboose somehow managed to show up in his "fourth wall breaking episode prologue". He's so impressed he's not even mad and gives him the floor.
Vic: Alrighty amigos, it's time for another one of Vicís stories! Now, this time I was thinking of hitting you all with the origin of—
Vic: Uh, whoa, dude, how did you get in here?
Caboose: I used the door.
Vic: You used the door? To get into this fourth wall breaking episode prologue? You found a door that to do that?
Caboose: Yes. It was next to the broken window by the men's restroom.
Vic: ...I am not even mad, color me impressed!
- The squeak noise every time cartoon Caboose falls down.
- Takes us back to the first part of Episode 100, when Omega was bouncing from mind to mind. This time, we get to see what was going on in those minds.
- Omega's utter disappointment in discovering he hadn't found Tex, partly set off by the bust of Simmons on a pedestal, then meeting Head!Simmons, who refers to the place as "Chez Simon".
Omega: If you attempt to keep me here against my will, I will remove your eyeballs and replace them with ping pong balls with similar eyes drawn on them!
- Simmons' head!Sarge saying that Simmons is really his biological son.
Omega: And here I thought the blue one was delusional.
- Omega is completely relieved when an opening to escape presents itself.
Omega: Oh thank god, an exit.
- When he ends up back in Caboose's mind, all the mental images in his mind are babbling at Omega, and run off wildly when Tex joins him.
Omega: Assuming of course that nobody knocks me out of this. (Appears in the next mindscape) I can't help but fear I set myself for that one.
- Head!Donut in all his flamboyant glory. He sparkles.
Donut: Oh hey there, Omega, welcome to my Lightish-Red Head!
Omega: Don't... Ever... Call it that again!
Donut: You got it buddy. The cool kids all call it The Donut Hole anyway.
Omega: Then my first order of business will be to murder the cool kids.
- Sarge's mind is a war zone, as he fights the blues, a rampaging AI, and 'senility keeps trying to overtake the hippocampus'. When Omega sees a cluster of yammering Grifs, he asks what that is about, and Sarge answers 'stress relief' before shooting them with a rocket launcher. Omega approves.
Dirty Blue No. 3 (Caboose): Alas, I have tripped!note
- By the time he reaches Grif's mind, he's getting 'rather tired of this', but is utterly surprised by how simple Grif's headspace is. Then a Head!Simmons taunts Grif, who runs off chasing him.
- When he arrives in Church's mind, he starts ranting about how he can't take it anymore, only to start relaxing, and then sees Alpha descending like an angel. When he threatens to take over, Alpha pretty much says go for it, he's exhausted from the stress anyway. Omega feels right at home, which of course is when he is ejected again.
Omega: Nothing can stop us now! Yes, nothing! (Cut to exterior where Tex hits Church, ejecting Omega) Aw, Fuck.
- During Epsilon's time stuck in the memory unit, he mis-remembers the gender of the Reds as being female. Hilarity Ensues.
Epsilon: And what chicks are we going to pick up exactly?
Tucker: What are you, the rookie? We've got a whole base full of them right here in the canyon!
Epsilon: Yeah but tha- I'm sorry, what?
Caboose: Hey! I just wanted to let you know, the general stopped by and took the flag! Also, I think she likes me!
- Epsilon slips up and accidentally calls the tank Sheila in front of Tucker at a time before she was officially given the name.
Tucker: You named the tank Sheila.
Epsilon: I - uh, I - you know... Y-yeah. I mean... She just kinda looks like a Sheila to me, y'know. So, what were you saying?
- Epsilon examines Blood Gulch to see what he mis-remembered. His reaction is priceless.
Epsilon: The only thing I could have possibly gotten wrong is...
Female!Sarge: Freeze, dirtbag!
Epsilon: Well, shit. (Turns to look at Female!Sarge) Oh, dear God in Heaven, no.
- Epsilon's outrage at finding out that, all this time, all they had to do was ASK Command for supplies.
- While discussing their renovations to Red Base, Female!Sarge and Female!Simmons briefly discuss the new showerhead.
- Like in canon, Female!Donut managed to get the Blues' flag. In this memory, she put the flag in the Red's dining room, causing Female!Simmons to berate her for the clash in colors.
- Epsilon's reaction to Female!Donut's Double Entendre that puts her male counterpart to shame.
Female!Donut: If it were up to me, I'd get down on my hands and knees and I'd tear up all the carpet in this base. (Beat) What's with the blue guy?
Epsilon: I'm just... I... I know what I should have expected from you, I was just not ready for it.
- After Church is captured by the Female!Reds, Tucker comes into the Red Base, with Caboose in tow, solely so he can flirt with the Reds. His attempts to hit on Female!Grif end about as well as you'd expect.
Tucker: Hey baby, I've never been with a plus-size girl before, and I bet you've never hooked up in an armored military tank. How about we scratch a few things off our buck- (Female!Grif shoots Tucker) OW! My lap!
Female!Grif: "Plus-size", my fat ass! (Beat) Oh, right...
Tucker: Bow chicka ow owww...
- The reveal of Male!Tex towards the end.
- At the end, after resetting reality again, Epsilon makes another mistake...
Tucker: I was saying, how about you and me go for a ride in this tank? I can show you the cannon.
Epsilon/Female!Epsilon: Tucker, what the fuck is wrong with... What the fuck is wrong with...
Camera pans back, revealing that Epsilon accidentally misremembered himself as female.
Female!Epsilon: Oh, COME ON!
- In his beginning narration, Vic mentions that Agent Florida downloaded his entire music archive into Vic's hard drive. All 5000 songs. Apparently, Florida was into Barenaked Ladies. Who'da thunkit?
- Sarge and the Reds singing about naming their new rocket launchers and killing the Blues.
- Sarge is easily one of the most enthusiastic to be in this episode.
- Donut tries to give his suggestion.
Grif: What? You got any better ideas?
Donut: I do!
Everybody: No one cares!
- Church's song about how much he hates his life, and everyone else.
- The picture of Tex that Church has is a Dartboard of Hate that reads "Stop Calling Me -XOXO Tex"
- None of the others are impressed with Church's complaints.
Tucker: Oh please. You're overly dramatic.
Doc: You're clearly asymptomatic.
Sheila: Your life is hardly that traumatic.
Caboose: But your girlfriend is half-aquatic.
- Church listing of the things wrong in his life.
Church: I have been to jury duty 37 times! I always get the middle seat on flights! Last year nobody wished me a happy birthday! Fuck all of you! Fuck everyone! And fuck this fucking song!
- Even better, at the end of the episode, Epsilon comments on how accurate this is!
- Church decides to let the Reds attack him with their Rocket launchers. The Reds pull their triggers, only to learn that command didn't give them any spare ammo. Or, alternatively, they wasted all of it during the musical number.
Donut: Uh, Sarge?
Sarge: (Irritated) Yes, Private Donut?
Donut: Do these rocket launchers feel a little...light to you?
Sarge: ...well I just assumed it was because I'm in peak physical condition.
Grif: Oh god. You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Tucker: Holy shit. They don't have any ammo!
Church: God damn it.
Simmons: Why would command send us rocket launchers with no rockets?!
Grif: Who is running this army!?
- Donut encouraging both teams to dance.
Grif: Uh, what is happening right now?
Church: I don't know. I just know that I hate it.
- The reveal that the entire episode is Donut's version of the Blood Gulch Chronicles that he is telling everyone on Chorus.
Doyle: Did you actually have song and dance numbers or..?
Donut: Ugh. Let's take it from the top.
- The movie night poster.
Night... the time of day when the sun goes down and so does Donut.
- The only movie in Blood Gulch is Reservoir Dogs, so the gang's weekly movie night is only ever enjoyed by Tucker. And then Caboose destroys the movie, leaving Tucker in funk, so Church decides to remake it with the Blood Gulch Crew. The Reds only join in due to boredom.
- And how does Caboose destroy the movie? He tries to play a VHS in a film reel projector, which Church allows because by that point he and everyone else is sick of the movie.
- When assigning characters, Donut got Mr. Pink, and Church gave himself Mr. White.
- Sister's rant about sexist movie remakes.
Sister: Why the fuck am I not Mr. Blonde?!
Grif: Because you're a girl, and also you're not blonde.
Sister: Not on my head.
Grif: That doesn't eve— Wait, what?
Church: Sister, there's no girls in Reservoir Dogs, go back to base.
Sister: Uh, what about the all female remake they made? You know, the terrible one?
Church: Reservoir Bitches? It was terrible!
Sister: FINE! ENJOY BEING SEXIST! I'll go make my own movie, and it will only have girls! THEN, we'll see who's sexist!
Simmons: And where're you gonna get girls to make an impromptu movie?
Sister: I've done it before, and they didn't even care about the nudity, because WOMEN! ARE! PROFESSIONALS!
Grif: Please do not tell anyone else the things you just said!
Sister: I HAAAATE YOOOOUUU! YOU'RE JUST LIKE MOM AND DAD!
- Resvoir... Resivouir... Water Pond Dogs turns out to be a glorious example of Bad "Bad Acting". Church at least is trying, while Grif puts as much effort into the production as he does anything else:
Grif: Ugh. I am shot.
Church: Hey! Cut that shit right now. You're hurt. You're hurt real fuckin' bad. But you ain't dying. (breaks character) Okay, trust me, I know what that feels like.
Grif: Aaaah. That heist. It went so bad. And now, I have been shot. I am going to die. I know it.
Church: That heist went bad. But you're not gonna die! I'm... uh, line?
Simmons: "I'm going to get you help."
Church: Right, I'm gonna get you help!
Church: No, don't you "hurk-bleh" on me!
- This exchange:
- Sarge vs Church Rap Battle, with a special appearance by Felix and Locus.
- The episode opens with Vic contemplating the long running question of Red VS Blue... which isn't "Do you ever wonder why we're here?", because they've run that into the ground.
- Canonicity be damned, the sheer fact that Locus would ever participate in a rap battle.
- Ohio losing it at the "5 questions game" in the beginning.
Ohio: I do not love that game. (mumbles) I just play it when I'm bored.
Idaho: Which is all the time.
Ohio: Because we never get mission assignments!
- Pretty much anything Iowa does:
- Iowa's truly amazing track record of busted Mongooses ("Mongeese?"). He managed to destroy 12 in one training session. Seven by just sneezing next to them. Through his helmet.
Iowa: I-I'm not a very strong driver.
- The Five Questions Game which includes but is not limited to Dungeons and Dragons: Five Things You Don't Wanna Make Saving Throws Against and Five Meats That You Think Wouldn't Be Delicious But Are Totally Delicious.
- This Five Questions Game conversation, mostly the end since it doubles as a Tear Jerker:
Iowa: Five Things You'd Rather Be Doing. Go.
Iowa and Idaho: One.
Ohio: Something else.
Ohio: Not this?
Ohio: Contemplating the futility of existence in a coffee shop.
Idaho: Seems like your heart's not really in this, Oh.
Ohio: Your Mom!
Iowa: Oooh snap, that's our girl!
- In order to see if there was really a base there, Iowa took off his helmet and licked it. A metal base. On a frozen planet. and yes, his tongue got stuck and took him some time to warm it free. Also, according to him, the base tasted like a White Russian cocktail. (Turns out, the base has a lot of booze stockpiled, so it likely was the actual drink he was tasting.)
- Sherry chastising her comrades.
Sherry: You realize this is why they dumped us here, right? You're incompetent. He's incompetent. Talking to you makes me incompetent. Killing us and touching our dead bodies would have only made them incompetent.
- Sherry's snark in general:
Darryl: We're from Charon Industries, and we're waiting to find out what we're here for.
Sherry: Ex-Charon Industries! We're not really waiting for anything though, except maybe like, a quick, merciful death.
Sherry: We don't exactly have a chain of command anymore. I'm mostly in charge though, because I'm not a complete fucking waste of brain cells.
Sherry: Lemme guess. You guys got dumped here.
Ohio: WhaĖI... How did you know?
Sherry: Body language! That and there's no reason to come here. For anyone, like ever.
Sherry: The long and short of it is, we're fuck-ups. Like you! We're all stranded here, we'll all die here, and we'll all be forgotten.
- Terrill offers to go make drinks to celebrate the Freelancers' arrivals. As they sneak through the base, Ohio checks to see if they've been spotted, but just sees Terrill making cocktails. Iowa wonders if they can make a whiskey on the rocks. Then, as his friends are having a team moment and preparing to meet the Charon soldiers, he loudly asks the Charons from offscreen if they can make a whiskey on the rocks. Iowa and Ohio hang their heads in shame.
- Sherry's readings of the triplets, including her assessment of Ohio ("Come on girl, it is obvious."), Idaho's former feelings for his friend (Ohio: "You used to what me?" Idaho: [nervous laughter] "Yeah, hey! Let's just... move past this!") and Iowa's brain damage ("But he has the most upbeat attitude, so net-net, I guess.")
- Iowa shoots Darryl in the leg trying to kill an "ice spider".
- Ohio and Sherry's mutual resignation at their teams' antics. They don't even bother moving from their spots as bullets fly past them.
Sherry: This happen often?
Ohio: Yeah. But not as often as— [Rocket flies past] Never mind.
- C.T. and South teasing Wash at the end with "Five Things No One Tells Wash".
- For starters, why are we getting an Immersion episode? Vic had to go pee. And has been holding it in since the second episode of the season.
Vic: Now, don't ask how a computer program takes a leak... Just watch these guys mess around with some science stuff... while I'm gone...
- The live-action wraparound segment: Grif is driving himself, Simmons, Sarge, and Lopez (reduced, once again, to a head) back to (a currently without power) Red Base in order to save their rocky road ice cream from completely melting.
- After everything is said and done, Grif bemoans that their ice cream by that point is now ice cream soup... which he realizes isn't that bad after saying it out loud.
- Lopez, just before the Warthog crashes:
Lopez: La peor parte es que me van a hacer a mí arreglar el coche. [The worst part is... they're going to make me fix the car.]
- Where's Donut? Off getting parts to fix the Warthog's power steering.
Lopez: ¿Quieres decir el Warthog que estamos conduciendo ahora? (You mean the Warthog we're driving now?)
- Sarge initially thinks Grif is driving the Warthog so fast is because of a bomb in itnote . The episode ends with him saying that the only thing that can make the episode better is a shoe-horned in explosion. Connect the dots.
- When Simmons is wondering how to shoehorn an explosion in, Sarge suggests using the bomb in the Warthog. Just as Lopez (sitting in the Warthog's seat) is angrily asserting that there is no bomb, cue the mushroom cloud.
Simmons: ...huh. Guess there really was a bomb.
Sarge: Told ya.
- The host for the experiment is Burnie. The lab rat? Miles Luna. As such, enjoy the mental image of Church torturing Felix for an entire episode.
- Burnie has Miles try and flip over the Warthog himself using his own personal strength. It doesn't go over perfectly.
Miles: (straight up charges into the Warthog; recoils in pain) GOD DAMMIT!
- The Reds and Caboose end up in Rooster Teeth headquarters. Hilarity Ensues.
- Burnie's "hot shit" rant and the reactions to it. It must be heard for the full effect:
Burnie: Well, I guess you think you're pretty hot shit, huh? Well guess what?! WE are the hottest shit that there is! In fact, WE'RE so hot, we're like... a giant bag of shit that's lit on fire, and then, you put it on your neighbor's doorstep, ring the doorbell, and run away in the middle of the night! And then your neighbor comes out in his robe and his slippers, and he's like: "What's this?! Oh, it's a huge burning bag on my doorstep! I better put that out!" So he starts stomping on it! He's stomping on the fire! But guess what?! He's not stomping on fire! He's stomping! On! SHIT! And that hot shit that's on the bottom of his slipper?! THAT'S US!
Josh: ...That's a really fucking weird metaphor.
Burnie: You're a fucking weird metaphor!
- Burnie and Geoff's idea to get back at Miles and the Machinima crew? The Machinima Death Switch.
Burnie: What we need... is... (Pan over to the Death Switch) ...A simple solution!
Burnie starts laughing, Geoff awkwardly joins in. Laughter dies down.
Geoff: Like the Nazis!
Burnie: Wha-?! No, that's - Geoff, that's the Final Solution, I-I'm gonna cut the power.
Burnie: Yeah, why Nazis? That was kinda weird.
- It's implied that Geoff is drunk off his ass the entire time.
- The Machinima crew's reaction to meeting the Blood Gulch Crew face-to-face? Scream at the top of their lungs and run like hell.
- Joel's reaction to seeing the motion capture equipment running on its own, showing Caboose dancing without someone acting out his movements.
Joel: "That can't be good."
- Joel espousing to Caboose the importance of buying gold.
Caboose: (after Joel leaves) And that is the smartest person I have ever met.
Episode 1: Prologue
- The beginning of the episode is full of funny moments during the new girl's tour. Highlights include,
- The man in charge threating any slights against him with 'dog shit in your pillowcase'.
- Him telling the newbie to never turn off her radio, only for someone else to immediately say they couldn't find him, because his radio was turned off.
- The girl mentioning she's studying to be a botanist, which the other guy responds with, "I've never been much into robots, being from the South and all."
- Dylan gets into a secure military facility by using 'confusing acronyms', which start out sounding official, but end up devolving into well known ones such as AOL and FUBAR.
- Near the end when the cameraman, who has remained silent the whole time, is questioned, Dylan responds he's French and speaks no English. Cameraman's response? "Oui."
- Dylan's Leaning on the Fourth Wall debate with Carlos about how people are getting bored with the Reds and Blues, and that Dylan should do a story on "those monster-fighting sexy teenagers". It sounds like a typical argument between two fans. Made even better by how many viewers instead took it as a reference to the recently released Power Rangers film.
- Dylan's caller ID apparently has her supervisor Carlos listed as "Grouchy McBossypants".
- Dylan asks Carlos for two weeks to write a story on the Reds and Blues. This is what follows:
Carlos: You want two? You got one. You want rope?
Dylan: You'll give me enough to hang myself with. Thanks a million, honey bucket.note
- Jax is this during his premiere in episode 2. From beat-boxing the classic RvB theme, to his half-incompetent camerawork, to his insane camera angle and movie plot ideas. Most of the episodes humor either comes from or directly involves him.
- "I'm pretty sure we can use that tank as a dolly!"
- The return of Sister.
- "Hey, you know my name! BIG FUCKING DEAL! GET OFF MY BASE!"
- Sister talks about what she's been up to, but Dylan wants to go back to talking about the Reds and Blues.
Jax: Oop— There goes the Bechdel Test.
- Dylan makes the mistake of mentioning Occam's Razor to Sister:
- VIC's desire to die crosses so many lines it becomes hilarious. Especially given how he keeps going back and forth on pretending he's joking. Especially funny is how Jax laments that he's sounding "[just] like Grandma".
- The Leaning on the Fourth Wall continues in this episode where VIC mentions he recorded all of Blood Gulch and cut them up into 100 five minute long sections for convenience's sake.
- Jax also insists that "shaky cam" will make the situation more realistic. The situation being that they are actually getting shot at for real.
- "Unicorn Soldier" saves Dylan and Jax and is fixing to leave, but before he can go, Dylan wants his name:
Unicorn Soldier: Goodbye.
Jax: Weird name. "Hello, Goodbye!" "You're leaving?" "Why no, Goodbye! I just got here!"
- Dylan wants to fire Jax after he missed a critical shot, Jax points out he also pushed her out of the way of a bullet. He declares they're "even stevens".
- Andersmith's Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness now that he's a cop, which is getting on Bitters' last nerve. When Bitters tells Andersmith he doesn't even sound like a cop, Andersmith insists he's going by the book:
- A major factor in Jax continuing to help Dylan now that they're going rogue? Once he gets back home, his student loans kick in.
- Dylan finally reaching the Reds and Blues is played as a Shout-Out to the end of The Force Awakens, with Caboose standing in for Luke. And then he's freaked out to see Dylan behind him and falls over the cliff.
- Dylan tries informing the Reds and Blues that Caboose may be dead after falling off of the cliff. Understandably, Caboose is concerned. Luckily, he landed on his head.
- Donut is naked half of the episode. Thankfully, he's off-screen until he puts his armor back on.
- The entire episode is essentially a recap of the hilarious shit the Blood Gulch crew went through after saving Chorus. To wit:
- After capturing Hargrove, Tucker activated the Temple of Procreation. Apparently, Grif and Simmons were trapped in a closet together during that time. Which they both refuse to talk about before refusing to meet each other's eyes. During the whole time, the only one who didn't feel different was Tucker. Wash wasn't surprised.
- Sarge was hopelessly depressed after not having died heroically on Chorus (he definitely did not say so verbatim), and started looking for a new enemy.
- Carolina had a difficult time getting used to inaction, so she tried to get help from Grif in a Shout-Out to The Empire Strikes Back.
- They found out that their new island was home to dinosaurs. While they debated on whether being eaten by dinosaurs was ironic, Caboose managed to make friends with them. "Because of course he did."
- Donut accidentally burned down their new bases with his vanilla-scented candles.
- Due to having lost nearly all of their food, Grif started looking for native plants to eat. The mushrooms he found were essentially, as described by Simmons, "crystal meth on crystal meth".
- Simmons spent his summer learning Esperanto, a dead language, thinking that it was Spanish for "Spanish".
- Freckles has a new body! Except it's absolutely tiny.
- After selling their movie rights, they built a water park. Wash joined in with the others as they jumped in happiness while Carolina simply gave a deadpan "Yay.". And Donut later burned it down, to Grif's great dismay and confusion.
- Tucker, Caboose and Grif tried to form a band, but couldn't agree on a band name. Carolina tried to join in. Apparently, she's a terrible singer, though no one dares tell her out of fear.
- Sarge tried to build his own enemy and made a robot army, but it malfunctioned and attacked the dinosaurs. Wash says it's the greatest thing he ever saw.
- Grif convinced Simmons that Game of Thrones really happened.
- Desperately in search of a new enemy, Sarge tried to take the fight to gravity itself. It resulted in the Reds losing their jeep after Sarge drove it over a ledge.
Sarge: Suck it, Newton!
- They tried to put in place a new form of government. Proposals included: Anarchynote , monarchy-through-swordnote , military dictatorshipnote , matriarchynote and malarkeynote . When Simmons tried to explain that Malarkey wasn't a form of government, but a term for nonsense and gibberish, he trailed off as everyone realized that summed up the Blood Gulch Crew just fine.
- Caboose somehow ended up in the Upside-Down from Stranger Things. The gang tried to communicate with him through the same alphabet-and-Christmas-lights method, but since it's Caboose, it didn't really work.
Washington: "Neat." He just keeps saying "Neat."
- After finding Donut apparently dead, Grif, Simmons and Tucker buried him in an unmarked shallow grave. Except he wasn't dead, and was just skinny dipping not far away. Everyone reacted to seeing Donut naked the same way they reacted to killer dinosaurs.
- "Wash. Grew. A beard." Carolina (and quite a few commenters) makes it sound like the greatest thing ever, Wash just thought it was itchy. And we, the audience, can't see any difference because of the 24-Hour Armor. This also shows that Carolina has finally succumbed and become just as crazy as the rest of them. Doubles as heartwarming.
- That very morning, Grif spiked Simmons' food with his "meth-meth shrooms" For the Lulz.
- The punchline to all of the above is great too. Dylan asks Jax if he got all of that. He assures her that he did, and only then does he start recording.
- Grif's reaction to the message from Church, knowing that this is the start of another adventure:
"God fucking dammit."
- It's considerably less funny after it becomes one of the reasons he leaves the Blood Gulch crew in the following episode.
- When Jax notices Grif enter the cave, angrily muttering about the Church situationnote , what is his response?
- Sarge's rant against the Whites. You know, like the Meta and Wyoming?:
Lopez: Tumblr va a odiar esto. (Tumblr is going to hate this.)
- And then Sarge straight up calls it a race war.
- Because Donut is "reddish-white", he's selected to infiltrate the "Whites". He does so by dressing as a hilariously stereotypical white hipster, complete with a tie, hipster glasses he somehow got on over his helmet, and skis, and offers the reporters "poison mocha frappuccinos."
- Caboose at one point had a Bop-It. He bopped it against a rock and now it's 'sleeping'. In pieces.
- Sarge has gone without sleep for about five days, a reference to another Rooster Teeth production. Jax calls the premise of "sleep is death" weak. Becomes even funnier if you know that Burnie was the one who came up with the premise.
- We cut to the FOTUS soldier standing over what appears to be the dead bodies of Sarge, Simmons, and Caboose after getting a distressing call from Caboose, and you assume the worst. Turns out Sarge was just asleep, Simmons saw a snake (a small one at that) and fainted, and Caboose got scared and decided to play dead. Our heroes, everybody.
- Y'know that ultra-scary soldier the reporters met in Episode 3? The guy who's looking for Tucker? He's actually just a civil servant named Spencer Porkinsenson. What he was really trying to do is serve Tucker a class action suit for child-support payments. Turns out activating the Temple of Procreation on Chorus resulted in a lot of illegitimate babies that Tucker's the father of. After the fact, Tucker seems very upset, giving off a Big "NO!". After that, he's just lying around the ship, no longer enthused about finding Church.
- After the FOTUS Soldier leaves, Jax reveals that he edited some clips to make an title sequence for him;
Jax: So, constructive feedback. I'm thinking of pitching this to the network!
Dylan: How did you get [the FOTUS Soldier] to sign a release form?
Jax: ...A what-now?
- Turns out the Impostors are more sim Troopers, who are a Similar Squad to the Reds and Blues, and at least as quirky as they are, if not more.
- A particular highlight is when Surge and Sarge debate who's in charge (Turns out Surge is also a Colonel, somehow.) and settle it with Rock Paper Scissors (Or as they call it, "Procedure".
- Also funny is that Simmons's equivalent is named Gene
- Moreso, Caboose's equivalent is named Loconote , Tucker's is named Buckynote , Donut's is Cronutnote , and Lopez's is called Lorenzonote .
- Caboose interacting with Loco is HILARIOUS in that they practically share the same mind.
- Additionally, both Simmons and Gene agree that "err" is a real word, with Tucker and Bucky both insisting that it's not at the exact same time.
- After the BGC and the Blues and Reds have taken down the fighter crafts sent by the UNSC, Surge reports that Lopez and Lorenzo were dismembered during the fight, with the two robots ONCE AGAIN reduced to heads.
- Dylan's attempt to interview Sarge fails horribly, partially because of Sarge's own ridiculous paranoia but also because he spills that Temple told him to find out what she knew in a screw up of an I Know You Know I Know moment.
- Tucker getting annoyed by the Similar Squad routine. When he tries to angrily storm off, he ends up mistaking Gene for Simmons, and when corrected, grumbles, "Just help me with my dramatic exit."
- Loco turns out to be a serious Genius Ditz with engineering, and gives a stream of incomprehensible Technobabble that confuses Simmons.
- Donut and Cronut's innuendo-laden conversation about Russian novelists and philosophers.
- Doc is back...and he immediately makes a hurricane of analogies about how superior the Blues and Reds are to the Reds and Blues. Donut even joins in. Jax also compares the Blood Gulch Crew to Turkish Spider-Man
Doc: They are the ding-dongs, and you are the dildos,.
- Wash comes up with a plan to lure the people killing Freelancers into a trap by activating Carolina's recovery beacon. How does he express this to her? By telling her to take off her armor. Seeing as how this came after a tender moment, Carolina is appropriately shocked. Even better, after his explanation, Carolina agrees to remove her armor. But Wash continues to stare at her forcing her to make him turn around.
- When the Blues and Reds shows up with the Blood Gulch Crew, Wash describes it as the worst possible that could happen, beating the likes of mercs and space pirates.
- Wash's idea of what the doubles means is that Sarge created robotic duplicates of themselves. Carolina sounds exasperated when she wants to know what's going on.
- Remember how Carolina had a horrible singing voice and the guys were too afraid to tell her? Turns out she's well aware, she just liked watching them squirm. When she admits it, Wash jokingly tells her that she's evil.
- Apparently ever since the Reds and Blues have joined the Blues and Reds in their underwater lair-- er, base, they've been having fish for every meal. The BGC are understandably fed up.
- When Dylan's hiding spot is nearly found by Temple and Loco, she leaves a small green spartan teddy. Loco asks Temple if he should arrest it.
- The Blues and Reds distracted Tucker by having him play Halo Wars, claiming that it's a military simulator. When Dylan tells him it's a video game, he simply says that it explains all the micro-transactions.
- Part of the reason Tucker doesn't suspect the many locked doors is because he thinks people could steal his possessions, or walk into his "masturbatorium".
- Everything about Sarge's "audition", which eventually degrades (even further) from a bunch of random action movie dialouge to him shouting random movie titles... Including Lazer Team 2, which Jax dosen't think is real.
- The files on Temple's computer include a folder named "Buckey PRIVATE", and his most recent internet hits include "metafores", "Shakesphere monologues", "evil lairs for dummies" and "How to villain".
- When Gene and Cronut run out of ammo, they resort to taunting to defeat the enemy. They're not very good at it.
Gene: You suck! You're- bad at math!
Cronut: You have table manners that leave much to be desired!
Gene: You smell like maybe you forgot to wear deodorant today!
Cronut: Your mother's lasagna is mediocre!
- Temple and his men capture Lorenzo, his threat attempts keep coming off as unintentionally racist such as threatening to stomp the Goomba, you know like Mario.
- Temple and Biff discussing what place to shoot Biff so he can leave with a medical discharge.
Biff: The butt? Are you insane? That's right next to my jingo jangos, okay? Bullets splinter.
Temple: How about the arm?
Temple: Ooh, the ear.
Biff: "What? Yeah, I can't hear you because some idiot shot my ear off." No way! *grr* There's got to be some part of the body that's expendable.
Temple: You just need to get shot in the appendix.
Biff: If only I was a book.
- When told she's going on a mission with the simulation troopers, Carolina vehemently insists she would never be on a mission with those simulation idiots.
- When she gets to Blue Base, Carolina finds that to keep the Reds from finding their flag, the Blue Team buried it, then lost the map. Since they need both flags to win the 'War', Loco made a new flag from a stick and blue briefs.
- The Blues and Reds watch the fight between Tex and Carolina they decide to put their own soundtrack to it. Things like high action music, Bruce Springsteen, and a Harry Potter audio book of all things.
- There's also the fact that when the fight begins, the background music shuts off. I mean, completely. Then, this exchange happens while the Blues and Reds watch the fight:
Biff: Holy mother of awesome. Look at them.
Buckey: Yo, Reds! Are we still fighting, or- oh, holy shit!
Surge: All right, men, new plan! Let those two pummel each other to death!
Temple: The only thing that would make this better is some music.
Biff: Oh! I got it. I just upgraded the base's sound system. Okay, Shelly, play "Action Mix".
- Even better, their change in soundtrack actually affects the fight, with the two combatants noticeably changing speed and fighting style to fit the soundtrack to the point where Carolina tells them to cut it out. Then Loco has the base play his Harry Potter audiobook.
- After comparing notes and deciding that the Blues and Reds are suspect, Tucker decides to use subtlety to figure out their intentions. Gilligan Cut:
Tucker: Are you bad guys?
Temple: Well, that's all a matter of perspective, isn't it, Tucker?
Tucker: Ha! Gotcha! That's exactly the kind of thing bad guys say!. Oh, holy shit, you're really bad guys, aren't you?
- A mix of this and Crowning Moment of Awesome, but when the Reds and Blues (minus Sarge and Doc) get cornered, they attach Lopez's head to a missile and launch it, hoping he'll send reinforcements to help.
Lopez: (as the missile ascends) SHIIIIIIIIIT!
- Caboose completely blowing Simmons' attempt to be a Reverse Mole.
- Episode 15's opening scene is a spoof of the opening stinger to Star Trek: The Next Generation, with Lopez starring as narrator and the ship in question.
Lopez: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Lopez. It's continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out life and new civilizations, to boldly go... where no robot has gone before.
Starring LOPEZ THE HEAVY as Lopez La Pesado
- Immediately after that, Lopez is caught in a bright light and pulled into a ship. He asks what happened and who's there. Locus then deactivates his camo right next to him. Lopez's response?
- Grif has gone full Cast Away, painting several balls with the helmets of the Reds and Blues and doing impressions of them to play out their typical drama. He even taught himself Spanish for Lopez's lines, which comes in handy when Locus arrives with Lopez.
- Granted, it doubles as Nightmare Fuel somewhat, but Locus makes his presence known by saying point blank what Grif currently is.
- Part of realizing Locus is real involves Grif grabbing him by the helmet. The fact that it's Locus on the receiving end makes it even more hilarious.
- Later when he's trying to prove he's not crazy, he turns around to ask the Doc volleyball, only to find it's gone.
Grif: Well, that's Doc for you.
- Grif's incessant chatter once he finally has someone to talk to. You can tell Locus is finding the situation rather trying.
- Highlight of his chatter include:
Grif: Cool ship, by the way. I bet that's an awesome side story. Does it have a name? How about the Locus Pocus?
Grif: Do you have any brothers and sisters? Did you kill any of your brothers and sisters?
Grif: I thought I was going to go crazy for a while there, but I'm sane as a fiddle. (in a completely serious voice) How many have you killed? (back to chipper) Where did you grow up?
- When mentioning how long he's been alone, Grif spouts out various measurements... including "fifteen seasons".
- As the fandom has noticed, Locus has gone from having a guy in orange who talks too much as his partner to having to partner up with... another guy in orange who talks too much. He just can't catch a break.
- Highlight of his chatter include:
- Grif infiltrating the Blues and Reds' base Metal Gear style! Highlights include:
- Quoting "This is Snake to Big Boss. No sign of surveillance" (unaware that he's already been spotted on the security monitors).
- The Exclamation Point hovering over Grif's head as he spots a plate of fish.
- Attempting to crawl through the ventilation shaft, only to get stuck with only his legs sticking out.
- Even though it was a cruel trick on the part of Temple, hearing Church send a distress signal about Caboose and Tucker blowing up an overflowing toilet was funny while it lasted.
- At the end of the episode, we see a still-frozen Wash and Carolina, complaining for all the right reasons - respectively, Wash not being able to scratch his nose and Carolina being stuck in a "yoga pose".
- Sarge, wanting to get their new base in Valhalla up and running, sends Grif up to the very top of the structure. Eventually, Grif finds that some wreckage is blocking something, and Simmons suggests using a grenade to clear it.
Grif: Is that safe?
Simmons: None of this is safe! You wanna start analyzing now?
- Earlier, Sarge sends Simmons to spy on Blue Base, where Simmons has an encounter with Caboose. He returns to report...
Simmons: Well, [the base] isn't running on brain power, I can tell you that.
Sarge: Oh, good! That means Grif can still be used as a reliable fuel source!
- Grif climbs up the tower to examine the port, and yells his findings down to Sarge and Simmons at ground level:
Grif: I think it's blocked!
Grif: It's blocked!
Sarge: What's blocking it?
Grif: It looks like a bunch of pieces of a ship!
Sarge: That's disgusting! Who would climb all the way up there just to do that?
Grif: I said shi-puh!
- Earlier, Sarge sends Simmons to spy on Blue Base, where Simmons has an encounter with Caboose. He returns to report...
- Sarge wants to take down the wall behind Red Base to see what's on the other side. His first idea? send a Warthog (Driven by Grif) down a ramp to smash through it. Lopez's Hispanic deadpan commentary only drives the humor home.
- Meanwhile, the Blues have gotten a Pelican chopper. Each soldier has an Imagine Spot;
- Church wants to pull a Screw This, I'm Outta Here!.
- Tucker wants to pick up chicks.
- And Caboose? His thought balloon just has a floating wreckage of what the Pelican used to be. Thought!Caboose looks down at Real!Caboose and says, "I have no idea what I'm doing."
- At the end, Lopez has his own Imagine Spot: He's in the tank, and uses it to kill both the Reds and Blues in one shot.
- Meanwhile, the Blues have gotten a Pelican chopper. Each soldier has an Imagine Spot;
- When Grif is apparently kidnapped, Sarge calls Command and and VIC (!) forwards him to Doc. Sarge wants Doc's to fill in, but runs into a problem.
Sarge: Don't tell me you're still one of those lame Paci-whatevers.
Doc: Pacifists. Yeah, Sarge, I still am. You don't just turn it off when it's convenient. It's not like being a vegan.
- The "Grifball" spinoff series, featuring the lowest ranked team in the Grifball League, Team Slipspace.
- The Commissioner is hilarious, due to his smug voice and how swiftly he diverts any criticisms towards his management style.
PSAs and Other Videos
- The end of the "Real Life vs. The Internet" PSA:
- Where they come to politics:
Church: Look, that's just the way I feel about it.
Sarge: Well I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
Church: You deserve to DIE! Die and go to hell and be burned!
Sarge: Oh, yeah?! Well, I hope you get raped! Twice! Maybe then you feel different! Jerk!
Grif: We don't need to find any weapons of mass destruction! We just need to WANT to find them! That's the way it works!
Simmons: I VOTED FOR NADER! I HATE EVERYBODY!
Doc: Would you like to change your home page to moveon.org?
Donut: Politics make me soooo horny! Check out my webcam picks at presidentialsluts.com!
- The best part of this whole exchange is that the domain name presidentialsluts.com is registered to Geoff Ramsey, Grif's voice actor.
- Or when they discuss checking your mail:
Church: Bills, bills, bills... coupon. Great.
Simmons: Pardon me, my friend, but I am Nigirean Roylty, and I need you to send me money. Please ignore the fact that I can't spell "Nigerian." Or "royalty."
Doc: Would you like to refinance your home? Mortgage rates have never been lower!
Grif: Hey, Church! We have all the filthiest sluts on the internet. They're hopped up on herbal Viagra and waiting for you!
Sarge: WOULD YOU LIKE A BIGGER PENIS?! WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE IT? I COULD SUGGEST SOME PLACES!
Doc: You could put it in escrow!
- Earlier in the vid is Gustavo Sorola's (Simmons' VA) favorite quote of the series:
Simmons: I hate you! And I hate the bands you like!
- Where they come to politics:
- One word: Grifball. Eventually became an Ascended Meme.
- The "Game On" PSA. "Can we stop that fucking horn already!"
- Everyone was busy during the "Columbus Day" PSA... so they let Caboose host it. Epic Hilarity Ensues.
- The Valentine's Day PSA. Caboose mourns over celebrating without Church and remembers their "tradition".
- Caboose: Hey Church! Happy Valentine—
Church: Get the fuck away from me.
- Outtakes from Reconstruction. Notable moments are "AUTOBOTS, TRANSFORM!" (followed by his absurdly deep "OH MY GOD"), Scottish!Wash, and the Meta teabagging. Not to mention Church's terrible singing of "I Kissed a Girl."
- Church attempting to describe Sergeant Johnson's Memetic Badassitude in the last Halo 3: ODST promotional video.
Church: Sergeant Johnson is as tough as they come. They say he's a strong as an ox, and as agile as... a... smaller ox.
Church: He moves like a whisper, that you only say to the wind at midnight.
Simmons: Why would you do that? That doesn't make any sense.
Church: He's as cunning as a fox, taking a... pottery class at a... Ivy League university... that accepts foxes!
Grif: Wow. You're not very good at analogies, are you?
- From the Sixth Anniversary PSA:
Sarge: Why are you still in character?
Lopez: Don't Fuck with my Method.
- The Fire Safety PSA in all of its glory.
"You may be asking yourself: what is fire? If you're asking that, it's because you're an idiot. You'll probably ask things like 'What am the sky?' and 'How does eat food?' Even cavemen knew what fire was, you dumbass."
- In their Olympics PSA, Sarge gets the idea to give medals of enriched uranium to the losers.
- "What I Did On My Summer Vacation.": Caboose gets caught up in the Halo: Reach campaign.
- When Caboose and Jorge are blasting into space.
Caboose: Man, I can't wait to touch all of these buttons.
Jorge: Don't touch any buttons.
Jorge: (Ejected into space) Cabooooose~!
- In Dr. Halsey's introductory cutscene:
Dr Halsey: Do you have it? (referring to the package)
Caboose: No, you won't let go of it.
Dr Halsey: Say the words please.
Caboose: The words please.
- When Caboose gets dropped off back at Blood Gulch from orbit.
Caboose: Goodbye. Thank you for the ride. You are my new best friends and I will never forget you. You probably can't hear me though because everyone knows there's no oxygen on a rollercoaster. I am yelling quieter now because I am further away from you.
- When Caboose and Jorge are blasting into space.
- The Blood Gulch team plays Firefight.
- A bonus is that Doc is reunited with Omega for his scene.
- Pretty much everything Church does.
Church: That was a sniper kill, I used the sniper rifle.
Church: (after a highly successful ordinance blast) Hey Tucker, look how many guys I killed with the sniper rifle!
- Also Caboose.
- Donut's Image Song Donut: The Musical will never not be funny.
- The Higgs Bozos PSA has Sarge's idea of a scientific demonstration, followed by Caboose going on a lengthy and somewhat eloquent speech about the nature of knowledge, closing with the thought that "People will always look up at the sky, and just wonder why we're here". Then he shouts "WATER BISON POWERS ACTIVATE!" and runs off at super speed. Simmons and Sarge's reactions, both to the speech and Caboose's exit, seal the deal.
- Caboose: Yeah, the universe sure is mysterious. But, you know, what if we did solve all the problems? What then? Would we just live on, forever, happy in our triumph over ignorance? Or is ignorance just a common enemy that, once destroyed, would leave our species without a reason to carry on? I guess it doesn't really matter what the answer is, because even if we could attain supreme knowledge, the thought of it just wouldn't keep us together. In the end, people will always look up at the sky, and just wonder why we're here. WATER BISON POWERS, ACTIVATE!
- From the Online Survival PSA:
- Discussing how to deal with Internet Trolls with a Red and Blue Battle Creek Zealot each playing the role of a troll. Just hearing SARGE saying this is hilarious:
Sarge: (trying not to retaliate) Frowny emoticon...!
- Discussing how to deal with Internet Trolls with a Red and Blue Battle Creek Zealot each playing the role of a troll. Just hearing SARGE saying this is hilarious:
- During the PSA's released to announce Halo 4's release date, Sarge and the Reds are trying to keep the release date secret from the Blues so they won't know to pre-order. The camera then cuts to Tucker and Church, who then casually reveal that they already knew the release date and have pre-ordered. Also, Sarge's song about the date so that they remember.
- The Gadgets PSA, providing a satire against how new seeming gadgets get replaced by even newer ones.
- The Voting Fever PSA; it's a Call-Back to their Halo 4 announce date videos; with Grif and Simmons trying to trick Sarge into thinking they were out to vote. Sarge forces them to do a pro-voting musical number; with a chorus of ODSTs joining in and Grif having no clue about how elections work. To top it all off, it's revealed Sarge used the song as a distraction to steal their place in line to buy Halo 4. And it turns out the two of them actually did get sick. note
- York's Image Song "Come On Carolina", where he complains she's "always being such a bitch" and asks if she could "please stop kicking me", and suggests "playing Halo 4 naked" and "having babies with green eyes".
- The teaser for Season 11. To elaborate, it begins with two random soldiers talking, with one of them (Dennis) giving a rather truncated summary of everything the Blood Gulch Crew's been through up to this point, while his friend (Jerry) keeps demanding to know how this is relevant to them:
Jerry: I love you.
Jerry: You are my friend.
Dennis: I know.
Jerry: I enjoy our Tete-a-tetes.
Dennis: Our what-a-whats?
Jerry: But if you do not tell me what the hell all this has to do with us in the next five seconds, I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU!
- Eventually, it turns out that the two guys were supposed to greet the ship that was transporting the BGC...and that said ship hasn't shown up. Naturally, Jerry starts wondering where they are. Cue the Gilligan Cut to the BGC standing before the smoking wreckage of a massive transport, now marooned on an alien world. And the more things change, the more they stay the same:
Caboose: Not my fault.
Tucker: Absolutely your fault.
Sarge: (Chuckles) Well, looks like we're gonna be here a while; better build some bases! Grif, Simmons, let's get to work!
Simmons: Yes, sir!
Grif: Ugh, work? I hate work! Work's the worst!
Washington: I think I'm going to regret this.
*** Caboose is right for once. As far as we know, it really wasn't his fault.
- Eventually, it turns out that the two guys were supposed to greet the ship that was transporting the BGC...and that said ship hasn't shown up. Naturally, Jerry starts wondering where they are. Cue the Gilligan Cut to the BGC standing before the smoking wreckage of a massive transport, now marooned on an alien world. And the more things change, the more they stay the same:
- During a live event, the RT crew did a live table read for the then upcoming 'MIA' miniseries. While the regulars were doing the assorted voices (with Bernie doing Vic), they had a pair of audience members doing 'naration' and 'sound effects'. At one point, when Vic is dialing the phone, the sound effects guy made the touch tone sounds play Mary Had a Little Lamb.
Gus: Hey, don't steal the spotlight.
Sound effects guy <bows to the crowd>
- Also, at the end of the 'call', 'Vic' ab libs that Sarge and Doc sound alike. 'Sarge' replies that they don't, but why doesn't he call up Church, or even Lopez.
- The 'Match Breaking' PSA with Tucker and Simmons giving advice on how to get a date/to get laid. Funny overall, with a guest appearance of Sister, it ends with a Warthog driven by Carolina, with Grey and Kimball, running Tucker down.
Tucker: Lavernius Tucker, love doctor extraordinHURGWAAauh
Carolina: Nobody here had a problem with that, right?
Kimball: Not at all.
Dr. Grey: Nope!
- Prior to this, Simmons runs off after a date he'd stood up because she'd sent him a ;) emoticon, which was "getting too serious". She shows up again - after having spent the night with Tucker working the rebound.
- Prior to that, Tucker approaches a woman at a club.
Tucker: [narrating] You can then make your presence known by delivering a well thought-out and rehearsed pick up line. Such as...
Tucker: [shouting over the loud music] HEY HOT STUFF! NICE LEGS! WHAT TIME DO THEY OPEN? SO WE CAN—
[She shoots him in the face]
Tucker: OHHHH, THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A HORRIFIC SCAR!
- Sarge and Caboose go camping. It goes about as well as you'd expect. Except that they go camping in Minecraft.
- In the Relocated commentary Burnie Burns stated flat-out that if a joke is funny enough, the continuity gets temporarily suspended so it can be used, in the particular case the "Sister falling through the ice" joke.
- Red vs. Blue Blockbuster Trailer
- Sleeper, a live-action skit, features Sarge, Caboose, and Grif in cryogenic stasis being awoken by a nameless scientist type (as played by Burnie Burns). Not only is it hilarious to actually see everyone in Spartan armor Head Bobbing like in the games, but Grif treats cryosleep like regular sleep, including installing a snooze button on his tube's alarm and begging off for "five more minutes" when Sarge tries to wake him. When the scientist notes that the taste of cryofluid should keep him from going back to sleep, Grif reveals that he "got bubble gum flavor" and a cut to the scientist's Data Pad reveals that he really has flooded his tube with bubble gum flavored cyrogenic fluid. Everyone else apparently got "scrotum flavor."
- Simmons interrupting the ASMR PSA (just in time to cover up Caboose removing his helmet) with an Anonymous-style warning. He then leaks all of their personal files to each other, including his own. He gets tackled by Tucker and Grif after they feign sympathy for him and walk off-screen to find him inside the base under the pretense of giving him a hug.
- Caboose wanting to role-play as a dragon and book-ending the video by asking if they were still going to do that.
- The content that Simmons leaks is ridiculous:
- Tucker's Slash Fic collection about himself.
- Nude pictures of Sister, much to Grif's embarrassment.
Tucker: Aaaand saved. You know, for later. To give back to her.
- A screenplay for a Sarge movie sequel written by Simmons himself, though Simmons didn't mean to leak that.
- A nude picture of Donut, though not leaked by Simmons, but by Donut himself unsurprisingly.
- One bonus video proported to show that before Nathan Zellner was cast as the alien in Blood Gulch Chronicles, they had the other cast members audition for the role. The result was a video of the various VAs doing it in character of their roles.
Caboose: I AM AN ALIEN!
- From their Season 6 outtakes. "Butts" by Burnie Burns.
- After Season 14, RT put out a short non-machinima video using a 360 setup. It's pretty simple, with Grif and Simmons talking on top of their base, with Grif going over what he thinks would be the perfect way of robbing somebody: Wearing a clown mask and escaping in a hot air balloon. Meanwhile, if you take advantage of the 360 system, you can turn the camera around, and while the guys are talking, the Blues are in the base stealing the Red Army flag with Grif and Simmons being utterly clueless about what's going on.
- The next 360 video involves the teams dividing the contents of a supply ship that "crashed" in Blood Gulch i.e. it was shot down by the Reds. This includes the viewer probably the ship's unfortunate pilot, who also doesn't survive the next two minutes.
- The third 360 video is about Tucker and Caboose and Church and Sarge trying to teach Junior about sex. We could try to list the funny moments but every moment is a funny one.
Tucker: He can't die a virgin! That's Simmons' job!
- The fourth 360 video is from Caboose's perspective. The result is hearing Church suddenly talk about friendship at the drop of a hat and Sarge having a pirate accent. Not too mention the drawings that keep popping up.