Funny: Red vs. Blue

PROTECT ME, CONE!
Wash: That was the worst throw ever. Of all time.
Caboose: Not my fault. Someone put a wall in my way.

Every episode of Red vs. Blue has a Crowning Moment of Funny. These are the best ones. Watch for unmarked spoilers in the folders below.
    open/close all folders 

     Season 1 
  • The joke that started it all, "Hey. You ever wonder why we're here?"
  • Simmons pointing out the pure Fridge Logic of the capture the flag in Bloodgulch.
    Simmons: We'd have two bases in the middle of a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. Whoopdy fucking do.
  • The iconic Warthog/Puma exchange from Episode 2, but also Sarge's casual threats to kill Grif:
    Sarge: Goddamn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!
    Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
    • The best part of that bit is how willing Simmons is to comply:
    Simmons: Oh, I'll do it, sir!
    • There's also Sarge's extremely sarcastic confirmation of Grif's questioning that the war is over.
      Sarge: That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor! I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!
    • In the middle of that, there is
      Sarge: See these tow hooks? They look like tusks. Now what kind of animal has tusks.
      Grif: A walrus.
      Sarge: God dammit, didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?
    • And then there's this legendary exchange between Tucker and Church after the Reds get the Warthog/Puma/Chupathingy:
      Tucker: You can't pick up chicks in a tank.
      Church: Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything couldn't you? We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks- what chicks are we gonna pick up man?! And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?
  • Donut's Comically Missing the Point moment.
    Donut: Elbow grease? How stupid do they think I am? As soon I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm talking to the sergeant.
  • Caboose's antics with Sheila the tank.
    Caboose Hello, Sheila... big... tank lady
    • Culminating in:
      Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
  • Church and Tucker's last words.
    Church: I just wanted you to know. I always hated you. I always hated you the most.
    Tucker: I know. Now shut up and die, you prick.
  • From episode 10:
    Tucker: Hello, Command! We need help!
    Vic: Roger that, Blood Gulch. What is your request?
    Tucker: I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but, uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!
    Vic: Dude. How long have you guys been down there for?
  • From Episode 10:
    Church: Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up behind him, pulled Jimmy's skull out of his head and beat him to death with it.
    Tucker: Wait a second. How do you beat someone to death with his own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.
    Church: That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.
    Jimmy: (While Tex is melee attacking him with the Oddball) This doesn't seem physically possible!

    Season 2 
  • "I can't believe Church shot me." "Oh, don't even START, Caboose!"
    • And right before that:
Doc: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt.
Church:... I see...
(Aim somewhere off-screen, and shoot)
Caboose: Oww! My foot!
Church: Well, looks like Caboose just hurt himself! Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.
Doc: You know, you could have just asked nicely...
  • From Episode 20:
    Doc: I'm a pacifist.
    Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on?
  • From Episode 21:
    Church: Alright, you! Doc! Get over there and help Caboose!
    Doc: My name isn't Doc. It's Dufresne.
    Church: Yeah. I can't pronounce that. So from now on, it's Doc.
    Doc: I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor; I'm a medic.
    Tucker: What's the difference?
    Doc: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic makes them more comfortable... While they die.
    Tucker: Mental note: Don't ever get shot.
  • EVERYTHING in Episode 28.5, "The Last Episode Ever".
    Grif: But how'd you get out of there?! I tied you up and poured concrete over the grave! Just in case you turned into a zombie!
    Sarge: Yes, but you made one crucial mistake: you left me my spoon.
    Grif: NO!
    Sarge: That's right! I ate my way out! The soft earth was like a delicious butterstotch brownie to me!
  • "Operation Circle of Confusion":
    Church: All right, get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion.
    Tucker: Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
    Church: What?
    Tucker: I'm just saying, it doesn't look much like a circle. It looks more like we're forming a triangle. Just a side note.
    Church: OK, fine. Triangle of Confusion! Rhombus of Terror! Parabola of Mystery! Who cares? Get the goddamn show on the road!
  • This absolute gem from O'Malley:
    O'Malley: They will all taste oblivion! Which tastes just like Red Bull! Which is disgusting.

    Season 3 
  • "Oh, no! I'm the team-killing fucktard!" "You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!"
  • From episode 51:
    Church: I uh, I need help on a very top secret project, uh, that's very secret. [Beat] And very top.
  • The Red vs. Blue Battle in Episode 39, particularly this:
    Red Soldier: (is shot) Ah, you fucking camping bitch!
    Blue Soldier: (running away) It's a legitimate strategy!
  • "My name is Michael J. Caboose. And I. Hate. Babies." As well as his follow-up, "Your toast is burnt. And no amount of scraping will remove the black part."
  • From episode 47, when they're trying to get Tex to help with Lopez.
    Tucker: Just hire her.
    Grif: What?
    Tucker: Hire her to help you get Lopez back. She'll do anything for money.
    Tex: That's not true.
    Tucker: It's not? I'll give you ten bucks to tear off Grif's arm.
    Tex: Which one's Grif?
  • In Season 3, we find out that Caboose is the Dumb Muscle of the group, and Sarge's advice on lifting is absolutely horrible, culminating in his claim that you shouldn't exhale on every lift - under stress, the body produces all the oxygen it needs!
  • While Tex is talking about the things she does when she's mad (long story), Tucker and Caboose add this little gem:
    Tucker: Also, mention that you like to punch people when they sleep.
    Caboose: (devastated) That was you?! (about to cry) I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me.
  • Tex staring at Tucker's sword throughout episode 53. Her head even follows it as it moves around.
    Church: She's been staring at you non-stop since you found that thing.
    Tex: [long pause while she keeps staring] That's not true.
    Church: You haven't taken your eyes off it.
    Tex: Yes I have.
    Church: Then why haven't you looked at me the entire time I've been talking?
    Tex: I'm looking at you right now.
    Church: No you're not!
    Tex: I've already seen you. Not too impressed.
  • When Grif is sent to distract the Blues, and finds them gathered around Andy and trying to calm him down.
    Caboose: You are in a cool river, where no one disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.
    Tex: Breathe in through your nose (takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (takes a breath), and out through the mouth.
    Church: Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?
    [Grif quietly backs out]
    Simmons: What're you doing back so soon? That was the shortest distraction of all time.
    Sarge: What's wrong? What were the Blues doing?
    Grif: You know? I can honestly say I have no idea what I just saw. Can I quit the army now? Seriously, I think I've seen everything I need to see at this point.

    Season 4 
  • After a failed attempt to hunt down the alien that ended in a hasty retreat.
    Church: You know, we could've taken that alien out if I'd hit him just a few more times.
    Tucker: A few more times? How about one time?
    Church: Well I think I landed at least two or three shots.
    Tucker: Yeah right.
    Tex: You didn't hit anything but the wall.
    Church: How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards.
    Tex: This is a long-range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.
    Tucker: Where were you planning on shooting him from, the fucking moon? If you'd backed up any further, you'd have had to mail him the bullets.
  • The episode where Tucker and Caboose go on a quest with the alien, but before they do, they find out Tex has been looking at the alien's genitals...
    Tucker: Let me put it this way - I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword.
    Tex: Huh, what? Oh! Uh, yeah, um... I was just admiring his... his alien muscle structure.
    Tucker: Yeah, one particular part of his muscle structure.
    Tex: Well, that's just a matter of penis, I mean uh, opinion!
    Caboose: You told me that was another arm!
    Andy: Hey, Caboose! High Five!
    Caboose: I don't want to do that anymore...
  • Episode 73 has a pretty clever joke from Caboose of all people when discussing that perhaps the sword is what's making Tucker ill:
    Church: Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him.
    Caboose: Or, maybe it runs on solar power!
    Church: Wait, no, why would solar power make him sick?
    Caboose: ...Is he a republican?
  • Church's pregnant guy rant:
    Church: Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this horse-shit right now!
    Grif: ...Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?
    Church: HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.
    Andy: Yeah. Unless the alien impregnated him. They infect the host with a parasitic embryo.
    Church: WHAT?! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!
    Andy: Er uh, I mean uh... alien baby?! That's shocking! I am shocked.
  • Episode 74, "Right to Remain Silenced". After Simmons returns to the Red Team, Sarge insists on having a trial to determine what his fate for insubordination and treason should be:
    Simmons: We don't even have a judge!
    Sarge: Inaffirmative. In my civilian life, I worked as a judge for many years.
    Grif: What level? Municipal? Federal?!
    Sarge: Livestock. And occasionally agriculture. Now let's find out if Simmons is guilty of treason — or best in breed!
    • Later on:
    Grif: Look it's only a matter of time before Donut finds out we're having this trial.
    Sarge: I'm listening.
    Grif: Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff, and that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts.
    Simmons: Ugh. Officer Hotpants.
    Grif: Exactly. And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party.
    Simmons: (scene switches to Halo 1 engine) Oh my God, that cake is huge! It's big enough to fit a person in it.
    Grif: Why does the cake smell like baby oil? OH GOD, WHERE'S DONUT?!
    • And then O'Malley negotiating with the Blues.
    O'Malley: Huhuhuhuhuhuh oh yes you will. You will or your little friend Tucker will die, die a most horrible death. And you know his blood will be on your hands. Years from now, you'll drive yourself mad wondering if there was anything you could have done to save him, so you will agree to what I want. You will agree even though what I want is something mysterious, what I want is something frightening, what I want is something PUUUUUUUUUURE EEEEEEEEEEVIL, AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! (Beat) I've also been told that a twenty dollar co-pay is pretty much standard.
    Church: Alright fine.
    O'Malley: Ha haha you fool. And we want the twenty dollars up-front.
    Church: Fine.
    O'Malley: And in cash.
    Church: Whatever.
    Church: Caboose give me $20. Wait, give me $30.

    Season 5 
  • From Episode 78, Church calls dibs on a spaceship:
    Grif: You can't call dibs on a spaceship. That's ridiculous.
    Church: Yes I can. Dibs. See, I just did it again. Now, get the fuck away from my spaceship, tomato can.
    Simmons: Don't call me tomato can.
    Church: Um, Ok. Sheila? *camera pans to Sheila the Scorpion*
    Sheila: You bet. *points cannon at red team.*
    Grif: Fuck!
    Church: You kinda forget about that too, didn't you?
    Simmons: Yeah, kinda.
    Sheila: Now, step away from the ship you tomato can.
    Church: Ha ha. Tomato can.
    Sheila: You too, Lemon head.
    Grif: Hey, I'm orange, not yellow. *Church continues laughing*
    • In the next episode, Sarge goes on a rant about the International system of Dibs and the No-Take-Back Policy. He then proceeds to call next.
  • From Episode 83 (Grif's roasting of Sarge at his own funeral):
    Grif: And I'm not asking, and he's not telling, but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about glazed Donut holes, if you know what I mean! Hi-yo!
    Simmons: Too Soon!
    Grif: Hey now!
    • The whole freaking funeral.

  • The epic battle between Church and a voicemail system.
    Grif: I bet the Blues don't have to put up with anything this annoying.
    Church: THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!
    Doc: Oooh, language!

  • Church figuring out that Gamma has been lying to him throughout the entire series so far.
    Church: You're a computer. I thought computers can't lie.
    Gamma: They can if they are programmed to lie.
    Church: Were you programmed to lie?
    Beat
    Gamma: No.
    Church: God damn it.
  • Everything Sister says veers into Crosses the Line Twice territory.
    Sister Well they say girls can't ejaculate either but guess what!
    • She also got kicked of the cheerleading team twice for cheering for the wrong team.
  • Any part of Episode 100, "Why Were We Here?" involving Omega Body Surfing between various members of the Blood Gulch crew and becoming some kind of comical exaggeration of his victim's various personality quirks.
    Infected Simmons: First, I'm going to kill you, and then my plan to be leader of the Reds will be complete! After that I'm going to kill every being in the universe. From now on, everyone will kiss my ass!
    (Re)Infected Caboose: I'd love to talk on the radio. What? What am I doing in this idiot?
    Infected Donut: That's the problem with living in a patriarchal society, men just automatically assume they know everything. Hahaha!
    Infected Sarge: Eat lead, world! Drop and give me infinity!
    Infected Grif: Whoa, that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the Universe. Which is odd for me because, well that would take actual work. I think I'll just fall asleep instead. *Grif goes to sleep standing up inside his armor.*

  • The "Insert Quarter" alternate ending to Episode 100, which reveals the entire series was a game of Halo 2:
    Grif: What the fuck was that?
    Simmons: That was the weirdest match I've ever played...
    Church: Dude, that sucked. I got team-killed in like the first ten seconds!
    Caboose: Sorry, that was my fault. Some guy kept screaming into the mic.
    Tucker: BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!
    Church: Dude, shut up!
    Caboose: See?
    Tucker: BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!
    Church: Alright, that's it, I'm muting him.
    Sarge: Alright, let's play another.
    Donut: Dude, I am not wearing that armor again.
    Sarge: Same teams?
    All: NEW MAP!
  • Fight! Fight! alternate ending had some good moments. For instance:
    Church: Caboose! Get in that tank and give us covering fire!
    Caboose: Okay! (gets into the tank)
    Church: And don't shoot me this time!
    Caboose: Okay! (does exactly that)
    Church: SON OF A BITCH!
    Caboose: ...wait. What was that first part again?
    • Also, Sarge is the first one killed. Then he gets back in the fight, to Tucker's surprise.
    Sarge: Aha! Got you, Blues!
    Tucker: Sarge? I thought you were dead!
    Sarge: I was dead! Doc revived me! (Doc jumps into the shot)
    Doc: That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I'll be more than happy to hel- (is shot by Sarge)
    Doc: Son of a bitch!
    Sarge: Oh, I'm sorry. Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (is shot by Sister)
    Sarge: Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!
  • Doc's interactions with Junior are ridiculous, including trying to teach him colors.
    Doc One we learn the colors we'll figure out why you shouldn't judge people by them.
  • Church tells Tucker to act like everything is normal and not fucked. Tucker has been putting on that act for years.
  • Tucker and Caboose keep mocking Church for being fat.
  • Sister's comment on Tex after finding out she's a girl.
    Sister Oh sorry, she's a badass. She's kind of hot.
  • Blue team's rule, 'Don't kill the leader'. They're still waiting for someone to follow it.
  • Sister mistakes Junior for a dog. Upon being corrected she says.
    Sister Oh cool. You have a kid that looks like a dog?

    Reconstruction 
  • Sister being convinced that Washington is a cop, including the urban legend that cops have to admit that they are cops if directly asked. When Wash points out that isn't true, she decides that since he knows that, that means:
    Sister: CAWP!
  • The beatboxing deleted scene.
  • Church and Caboose's "reunion." Complete with sniper rifle. 
    Caboose: (while Church shoots at him... and misses) I have missed you so much! It has been so long! Did you miss me?!
    Church: Fuck, I missed him!
    Caboose: I know you did!
  • The now infamous grenade scene from Episode 6.
    Washington: That, was the worst throw ever...of all time.
    Caboose: Not my fault, someone put a wall in my way.
  • What? No mention of Church's "Man Cannon" ride in Episode 5?
    Washington: I said 'quietly!' What part of 'quiet' don't you understand? 
    Church: What part?! How about the part when I got thrown eighty feet in the fucking air by the GODDAMNED THROWING THING?!
  • The conversation that happens when Washington reveals his history with AIs.
    Caboose: We have a lot in common Agent Washington.
    Washington: No we don't.
    Washington: And don't ever say that again.
  • In Episode 6, when Washington, Caboose and Church chase after South Dakota as they all fight off the Meta, check out Church's plan to get her. 
    Church: Hey, see that purple one? She's on our team. You should help her.
    Caboose: Okay! (fires at South and hits her square in the back)
    Caboose: Uhm... she got in the way when I was trying to help her.
    Church: Okay, we're good!
  • Later in that episode, we get this gem: (It Makes Sense in Context, but still.)
    Washington: I'm not insane. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go blow up this dead body.
    • Which leads to a Funny Background Event of Washington disposing the body. By shooting it several times with a rifle, throwing a grenade on it, burning it with a flame thrower, loading several explosives on it and detonating the explosives. He may have had some issues he was working out there.
  • In Episode 7, it is revealed that central command has a keyboard shortcut for reporting Caboose's team kills.
    Caboose: Control+F+U.
  • "Being wrong is not a democracy!"
  • In the sponsor's cut of one of the episodes, Church complains in front of Delta how the AIs are always yapping and being annoying. To which Delta responds (in his typical superficially emotionless tone), "...I am going to ignore that..."
  • In Episode 9, Simmons is trying to explain to Sarge that Grif is the sergeant. Sarge proves himself physically incapable of comprehending.
  • The trip to Caboose's mind in Episode 11, including getting to hear "Agent Washingtub" yell "FREELANCER POWER, ACTIVATE!" and Caboose's nonchalant "I just work here."
  • In Episode 15, when Wash has Church posing as a prisoner. Wash quickly kills one guard, while Church empties an entire clip at a guy from about 2 feet away and misses every shot.
    Church: Hey could you give me a hand here, I'm out of bullets.
  • Episode 19: The 'Emp'
    Washington: EMP?! You have got to be fucking kidding m—

    Recreation 
  • Episode 2:
    Sarge: Men, as you know, the Blues have been erased from Command records, for some unknown reason.
    Simmons: ...Unknown, sir? We're the ones that did it.
    Sarge: You can't prove that.
  • Sarge's genius plan:
    Grif: So, your plan is to hold off our attack until our superior officers take notice of one of the teams in this canyon? And, notice them well enough to actually go out of their way and add them back into the database? Or, do anything at all in any way to formally recognize us in an official capacity?
    Sarge: You got it.
    Grif: This is probably the single greatest plan I’ve ever heard in my entire life.
  • Caboose finally gets 'angry' in Chapter 3.
    Caboose: Well, at least I don't go around, knocking on people's non-doors, and promising them cookies. And then. Not. Giving. Them. Cookies! *leaves* I'm! Leaving!
  • Lopez's sarcasm is as solid as ever:
    Simmons: Here, just let me do it, give me your wrench.
    Lopez: Esta es una llave, tu puta idiota. (Translation: This is a wrench, you fucking idiot.)
  • In chapter 7 along with Awesome Music, is that when the second team (Sarge, Caboose and Grif) are dispatched to Tucker's location, they start the Warthog... and then they drive to the lake. One panel later they appear in the next beach preceeded by the "Jaime y Los Chamacos- Los Dos Laredos/Acordeones" from season 1.
    • That doesn't do it justice: The all pile into the Warthog, drive into the lake, and *then* you hear Caboose ask "Are we there yet?" with the expected responses. Lopez's What and Simmons not giving a fuck later, we hear the Warthog song before we see it...with the appropriate sub-marine sound distortion.
    • Possible Fridge Brilliance but the Warthog uses hydrogen fuel and the fuel equipment can crack hydrogen from a water source so...
  • While stuck in the middle of a minefield, Grif takes advantage to tell Sarge exactly what he thinks of him. When Sarge shoots at him with the shotgun, Grif doesn't even flinch.
    Grif: I imagine it can be pretty hard to be an ineffective leader with no respect- *shotgun blast* who doesn't understand that his primary weapon has a much shorter effective range than most weapons, but I think since we're gonna die anyway, you deserve to know that.
    • And then when CT announced they'll get them out Grif then realizes Sarge will now kill or seriously maim him ask him to forget that with a slight whimper.
    • In general, the scenes in the minefield were hilarious. Ranging from "what's a step?" to both Sarge and Caboose not knowing their left and right. In the end, Grif gives up and just decides to "fuck it" and hope for the best and then drives off.
  • Simmons is trying to contact Sarge via radio, but it's broken. He asks if Lopez can fix it.
    Lopez: Can I fix their radio from here? Sure. Because I am magic. I am a magic robot.
  • "I am not a thing! My name is Leonard Church, and YOU WILL FEAR MY LASERFACE!" Which doubled up as a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
  • C.T. vs. Grif and Sarge. In an interrogation. It goes about as well as you would expect.
    Sarge: Why? What's going on around here?
    C.T.: I can't tell you that.
    Sarge: Can't tell us or you don't want to tell us?
    C.T.: I can't tell you. Which is convenient because I don't want to tell you.
    Grif: Why don't you want to tell us?
    C.T.: Because it's secret.
    Sarge: Regular secret or...TOP secret?
    C.T.: Top secret!
    Sarge: Damn it, the worst kind!
    Grif: Well, why is it so secretive?
    C.T.: I can't tell you that because that information is classified!
    C.T.: CLASSIFIED AS SOMETHING I CAN'T TELL YOU. Now stop fishing for information!
    Grif: What information do you think we're fishing for?
    C.T.: Okay, that wasn't even a good attempt.
    Grif: Yeah...gotta agree with that.
    later
    C.T.: Not one that you can recognize now let's...Hey, wait! Where's your other guy?
    Sarge: Uhhh...what guy?
    C.T.: The other guy.
    Sarge: He's right there (points to Grif)
    C.T.: The OTHER other guy!
    Grif: He's right...there ''(points to Sarge)?
    C.T.: THAT'S IT!! Either you're here to investigate us or you're complete idiots! Either way, I'VE HAD IT. Tell me where the blue guy went or I'll shoot the orange one (cocks gun).
    Sarge stares at him blankly
    C.T.: Well?!
    Grif: Dude, I can save you some time. You just picked the wrong guy to threaten. It'll make sense once you get to know us.
  • Donut is inspecting the currently empty Blue Base when the Meta shows up. Donut, having missed out on the previous season's fun, simply thinks he's a new recruit and starts to introduce himself. Simmons comes looking for him...
    Donut: Hey! Yeah, Simmons! I'm inside the Blue Base! Guess what? Blue Team got a new soldier!
    Simmons: [from outside] What? They sent another team member? Why would they do that? [entering the base] That doesn't make any se-OH FUCK! Welcometotheneighborhoodseeyoulater!
  • Sarge's eulogy for Caboose in Episode 9 (With "Taps" playing in the background).
    Sarge: Dear Lord, we thank you for taking another Blue back to Heaven today, or rather not to Heaven. To whatever fiery pit you send Blues to, so they can suffer in eternity. You could've taken Grif. But you didn't. Again. Not sure why—it would've been easy! Those mine things are everywhere! But I guess you know what you're doing...
    Caboose: ( finally falls out of the sky after having been launched into the air last episode) air...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (THUD!) Wow! Now that was a big explosion!
    Grif: Blue guy's back!
    Caboose: I was really high. Did anyone get a picture?
    Sarge: And now you brought him back. And Grif's still here! I hate to criticize but you could've just had him land on Grif and squash him. That would've been easy! Just a note; you can take it or leave it. Like I said not really my place to criticize. Okay the end amen.
    C.T.: What the fuck is wrong with you people?
  • The fact that, in a deleted scene, not only does Epsilon!Church have Two Girls One Cup in his memory, but the fact that Caboose's grandmother was apparently part of it, and that TUCKER HAS SEEN BETTER. Although those may count more as Squick than funny.
  • When Simmons is confronting the Meta with a rocket launcher, we get this exchange.
    Simmons: Alright you bastard, prepare to get "Simmonsized".
    Simmons fires a rocket which misses the Meta and destroys a motorcycle that Lopez had just built.
    Simmons: Well fuck me.
    A couple of rockets hit the Meta forcing him to retreat. Lopez comes out with a massive rocket launcher.
    Lopez: ¿Usted dijos "Simmonsized"? (Did you seriously just say "Simmonsized"?)
    Simmons: Lopez?
    Lopez: Cierre la cogida. Usted rompio motocicleta. (Shut the fuck up. You broke my motorcycle again.)
  • Episode 16, when Epsilon-Church accidentally shuts off his short-term memory while trying to access his long-term.
    Tucker: Jesus Christ, don't let him talk to me anymore!
    Epsilon!Church and Caboose: Okay, don't talk to him.
    Tucker: I can't fucking believe I have two of them now.
  • Episode 18's subversion of a Big Damn Heroes moment, where Tucker comes charging in with a Brute Chopper, looking like he'll land directly on top of the enemy... only to overshoot and crash into a bunker.
  • Simmons really seems to draw Lopez's ire this season:
    Simmons: (in regards to a cloaked Warthog) The Meta must've cloaked it. Ugh.
    Lopez: Te lo dije. (Translation: Basically, "I told you so.")
    Simmons: I’ve never seen anything like this before either, Lopez.
    Lopez: ¡Jódete! (Translation: "Fuck you!")

    Revelation 
  • In Episode 2, one of the most outstanding is Sarge's increasingly outlandish reasoning for how he knows what's happened at Valhalla. All of which is true.
  • Episode 4, with Simmons picking up part of the hog as a weapon
    • This scene from '"Revelation'' is what got this troper interested in the series:
      Doc: (after the Meta suddenly slows down while trying to punch Doc) Am I dead? Am I dead?
      Simmons: Doc, you did it!
      Doc: (looks at the Meta, whose fist is still slowly traveling towards Doc, and continues to do so throughout the rest of this conversation) He's frozen!
      Simmons: It looks like you overloaded his time-distortion unit. It looks like you caused some kind of inversion. Instead of making everything else slow, it made him slow!
      Doc: Alright! Score one for the pacifists! How do you like me now, Meta!
      Simmons: Um, Doc, I wouldn't get to close to him if I were you.
      Doc: Why? What's he gonna do? Beat me up over the course of the next two weeks?
      Simmons: Well, technically he's not actually moving slower. He's moving at the same speed, just over a longer period of time.
      Doc: Huh?
      Simmons: It's relativistic. His fist is still moving at the same velocity, we're just viewing it at a faster timeframe. Therefore, it looks slowed down, but theoretically, it should carry the same force.
      Doc: (looks at the Meta again) Nah, see, he's moving slower!
      (camera zooms in on the Meta's fist, which lightly taps against Doc's helmet)
      Doc: Woaaauugh! (goes flying into Blue Base's walls, and gets stuck there)
      Simmons: See? That's what you get for arguing with science. Bitch.
    • The Meta chasing Epsilon-Church like a cat and a laser pointer.
  • In Episode 5, when Grif and Simmons have to hide Epsilon quickly:
    Grif: Uh... (looks at Epsilon, who is immobile on the sand)
    Epsilon: Don't do it, you fuckERRRRRRRRRR... (goes flying into the distance as Grif punts him)
    • Becomes even more Hilarious in Hindsight when you learn that this particular incident is why Tex spends so much time beating him up later on.
    • It gets even funnier when they're being confronted and Grif told Simmons to be cool (and not give away what just happened). Simmons, having just come back, have no idea what's going on.
    Simmons: What the-? Grif! What are you doing?!
    Grif: Shut up, man! Be cool.
    Simmons: Be cool? (aliens come upon the scene) Whoa! I mean, what's the 411, daddy-o's? Me and my homy were just hangin' all up in here, deserts...ville. It's all good! You know what I'm sayin', scrillas?
    Grif: What the fuck are you doing?
    Simmons: You told be to be cool!
    Grif: Right. So what the fuck are you doing?
  • The Meta's refusal to pull Doc out by the codpiece is extremely funny, as well as Wash refusing to try when the Meta asks. Also, the Meta's tantrum after finding the Epsilon unit in the desert, which involves lots of snarling, hissing, and grenade throwing.
  • A moment for episode nine has three members of the red team coming into the abandoned base. They had decided to give themselves names based off of the states of the USA, like the Freelancers, in order to trick the computer that watched the door. Things didn't go quite as planned.
    Grif: I told you guys that stupid plan wouldn't work.
    Simmons: That's because you said your name was agent Pluto!
    Sarge: Luckily, we had a contingency plan to fall back on.
    Grif: Sarge, shotgun to the face is not a contingency plan. I keep telling you that.
    Shiela: (broken and riddled with bullet holes) Hello, this is a private facility. Hello, this is a private facility.
    Sarge: Don't be so quick to judge, Grif. Shotgun to the face can be a plan in a variety of situations. For instance, (points gun at Grif) watch how quickly is cures insubordination!
  • Episode 9: "Is it possible to ambush someone who's beating through a metal door to get to you?"
    • "Humens suk!" *Arrow pointing to dead stick figure* -> "Shisno"
  • Caboose's increasingly futile attempts to keep the Reds from gaining access to the door at the Freelancer outpost in Episode 9. When the door starts getting dented from the inside, Caboose just slowly walks away, head down, endlessly muttering "excuse me", "pardon me" and "coming through" until he walks down the hall and out of sight.
  • Episode 10: Appropriately titled "This One Goes to Eleven", the episode opens with the Reds running in abject fear, as Tex is on the warpath.
    F.I.L.S.S.: Alarm! Security breach—level Alpha! All personnel report for duty! This is not a drill!
    (Simmons, Grif and Sarge run through, with Sarge laying cover fire with a shotgun)
    Simmons: RUN!
    Grif: Oh, crap! Where is she?!
    Simmons: I don't wanna die!
    • Really the entirety of Episode 10 is this and a Crowning Moment of Awesome as Tex just lays a complete smackdown against everyone without breaking a sweat. You will be laughing your ass off.
      (after waylaying Grif, Tex, who is now standing above him, points Grif's shotgun at him)
      Simmons: Oh, no! Grif!
      Grif: Yikes!
      (Tex pulls the trigger...and finds out it's out of ammo)
      Sarge: (as Tex repeatedly pulls the trigger) Private Grif, you should be ashamed of yourself! You've run out of ammo again! That's your responsibility!
      Grif: Huh. I guess this is the first time my laziness saved my—
      (Tex steps on Grif, then grabs the barrel of the gun and winds up like a golf club, aiming right at Grif's nuts)
      Grif: (cowering, holding up a traffic cone) Protect me, cone!
      [WHAP!]
      (Grif gets knocked into Simmons, bowling him and a teleportation gate over)
      Simmons: Watch it!
      Grif: You watch it!
      Sarge: You idiots! Let me show you how it's done—(eats a left hook from Tex)—ugh!
      Simmons: Nice demonstration, Sarge.
      Sarge: Ah, shut up.
    • "I feel defeated! Yet inexplicably rejuvenated!" Said by Sarge while covered in med-kits.
      Caboose: Great! I saved Tucker! (Beat) Oh, wait...I saved Tucker...
      Tucker: Caboose! What the hell are you doing?! You're messing up my plan with Simmons! I was supposed to distract her for him!
      (Tex overhears the communique, and turns to see Simmons loading a rocket)
      Simmons: (panicking) YOU RATTED ME OUT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
    • The amount of shots to the nuts that Grif took would be enough to render the man sterile. The funniest one being the very casual one where Tex pops up through a portal, looks at Grif's groin, then punches them directly.
      • Seven in all, with two of them being hard enough to crack stone.
      • After the fight is over, he's standing there holding a med kit to his groin.
    • After Sarge gets buried in medkits:
    • Trying to drop a massive shipping crate on Tex:
      Tucker: (as the crate lands) I can't believed that worked!
      (Close-up reveals the ground caved beneath Tex, who is now holding the crate up)
      Tucker: Oh, fuck! That didn't work!
      F.I.L.S.S.: (to Caboose) I knew that would not work. Agent Tex is a bit of a Bad Ass.
    • Their opponent hits Tucker so hard, she knocks the black stuff right off his armor.
      Sarge: She knocked the black right off of him!
      Tucker: (groaning in pain) That's racist.
    • The climax of the episode:
      Sarge: (as Tex turns and runs) You're all clear, Simmons! Now shoot her!
      Simmons: Fire in the hole! (fires rocket launcher)
      (Tex runs with the rocket right on her tail... then jumps into a portal, comes out another one lying on the ground, and runs towards Simmons and company with the rocket still chasing her)
      Tucker: Are you fucking kidding me?! RUN!
      (Sarge, Simmons and Tucker try to run, but bump into one another and get nowhere. Tex then runs up to them, leveling all three with a single clothesline without breaking stride; when she sees Grif, she baseball-slides between his legs.)
      Grif: (seeing the rocket still chasing Tex) Oh god...(covers his crotch) not like this!
      (The rocket flies harmlessly between his legs.)
      Grif: Oh thank God...I thought I was—
      (He turns around to see Tex dive into a portal, while said rocket impacts the pile of med-kits and oil barrels from earlier)
      Grif: Fuuuuuuuuuucked!
      • Most memorable, and hilarious, would be what happens at the end. After Tex sends the Reds and Blues flying with a huge explosion (where Grif flies the highest due to the involvement of an oil drum), she starts nudging a concrete divider a few inches using her foot, stands back to survey her work... and then Grif lands on the divider nuts-first.
        Grif: Why won't you just kill me?!
    • How about the immortal "They look the same! Which one do I shoot?!" "Ow! Shoot the one who's winning, dumbass!"?
    • Or the perfect subversion of Would Not Hit a Girl? Two Words: "Try harder!"
  • Episode 11:
    Caboose: Yes! Yes! I did it! I am the biggest hero ever! I beat up the girl!
    Caboose: I did it! I...not my fault! Not my fault! I did not do this! The computer made me touch it!
    • While they are watching Tex beat on Church, Grif is holding a medpack to his groin, which given how many times he was hit there. note 
    • And the Brick Joke from the last season, where Caboose is the only one NOT effected by the Armor-lock, since he's still wearing the old-style helmet.
  • The whole dialogue between Grif and Simmons at the end of Episode 15, where they discuss upgrading armor. Specifically, Grif wants Simmons to hook up an invisibility attachment so that he could nap whenever he wanted.
    Grif: I would be completely unstoppable.
    Simmons: Actually, you would be the exact opposite of that.
    Grif: Totally stoppable. Already stopped.
    Simmons: No man should have that kind of power.
    • And then what happens afterwards... Simmons accidentally gives him a super-speed attachment...which tires him out so much he takes an impromptu nap when it deactivates. Success?
  • Episode 16, after the conversation between Tex and Church, we cut to Wash in the desert. Not only can you can see the Meta beating a dead Alien with his 'Knifle' in the background, you can still hear the noises when Doc and Wash are talking.
  • Episode 18: Doc is not overthinking it. Also has a few touches of awesome.
    (nine proximity mines light up around them)
    (The last mine lights up, completing the circle)
    Doc: See? Told ya so.
    BOOM!
  • The result of the Big Damn Heroes moment in Chapter 19:
    Washington: ...I'd say the cavalry's arrived, but the I've never seen a line of horses crash into the battlefield from outer space before.
    Church: Uh, is it possible for a fragment of an Artificial Intelligence encased in a robotic body to piss its pants? 'Cause I think I just did.

     Season 9 
  • Starts off strong with one in the very first episode.
    (as the Reds are testing their new rocket turret ...on the Blues)
    Tucker: Yeah, I'm feeling pretty confident about my rocket launcher guess.
    Caboose: I dunno, I think Church was right. I think I just torqued in my pants.
  • And again in episode one, when Tucker and Caboose realize that Donut isn't a girl despite his pink armor.
    Church: Was that Donut?
    Tucker: I don't know. That's the chick who was working on the Jeep.
    Church: He's not a girl, Tucker, he just wears pink armor. It's a guy.
    Tucker: It is? Are you sure?
    Church: Yes, I'm sure.
    Tucker: Uh... Then I suddenly feel pretty awkward about something I did twenty minutes ago.
    Caboose: During alone time.
    Church: What the hell is alone time?
    Tucker: Hey. It's one of the rules of the cliff, dude. What happens in alone time stays in alone time.
  • Episode 2 has North spotting two heat dots coming up behind South through his thermal scope, and South turns around, gun aimed at... a very surprised guard carrying two cups of coffee.
    • The way Episode 2 ends is particularly amusing in the very non-professional way North and South are ordered to stand down.
      Insurrectionist ODST: Attention assholes! Stand down, you're surrounded! Give us the data file now! You will be taken into custody! We can either do this the easy way or the hard way. There is no escape, so give us the damn data file!
  • "That is the rifle I sleep with every night." In the middle of a firefight.
    • It was actually most likely a small reference to The Rifleman's Creed.
  • Episode 4 has a few, but in the Freelancer section we have this:
    479'er: Things are about to get-
    Carolina: Bumpy?
    479'er: Yeah, bumpy. I was gonna say "crashy" but that works too.
  • Also from episode four, South's Curse Cut Short.
    South: Take evasive maneuvers!
    479er: I'm trying.
    South: Well try harder!
    479er: Hey South, do me a favor, would ya?
    South: What?
    [479er closes the door in her face]
    479er: Thank you.
    South: You stupid bi—!
  • Grif suddenly has a cleaning tick. It's just so plain wrong, it's funny.
    Church: Grif isn't tidy at all, he's filthy!
    Simmons: He is going to wash his hands for a week if he hears you say that.
    • "Donut, don't track mud in here, you know better!!"
  • I think Episode 7 should be watched. Any description would ruin it.
    • Well, the last half, anyway. Suffice to say, Tucker gives Church tips on how to attract women. With Caboose standing in for the woman.
      Church: You want Caboose to be the woman!?
      Tucker: Dude, it's a lot bigger stretch for you to play a man. Trust me.
    • And:
      Tucker: Church, say something rebellious.
      Church: Uh, okay, I think the working class should uprise against the rich people.
      Tucker: I said rebellious, not revolutionary.
      Church: Oh, okay. I drive a fast car over the speed limit. All the time.
      Caboose: I will go with you anywhere.
  • Both teams' individual discussions in Episode 9: the Reds talking about how good Lopez is and the Blues first trying to comprehend Church's explanations YET AGAIN and then the whole grenade discussion.
    Tucker: Hey, you dropped a grenade.
    Church: That's not one of mine. Caboose, pick that up.
    Caboose: I'm not allowed to carry grenades, remember? Because of that one exploding time? Which� was no one�s fault.
    Church: Well, I didn't drop it! Tucker, count yours.
    Tucker: I have a readout on my helmet, dummy, I don't need to count.
    Church: Oh, right. Well, it has to be somebody's.
    Tucker: ...somebody threw a grenade at us, didn't they?
    Church: Yeah, we probably should've figured that out sooner.
    (it explodes)
  • Everything Agent York says in episode 10. It has to be seen to be believed.
    • And to accompany that, Wyoming's performance is just pitiful. Count how many times he gets nailed, and how many times he manages to get a hit in. That's a pretty steep ratio.
  • When the flashbang grenade blinds the Blues in episode 11. They stand around yelling, then start blindly firing their weapons around.
    Tucker: My mother always said I would go blind, but for a totally different reason!
    • Meanwhile Tex is just watching them from nearby.
    Tex: Idiots.
  • Simmons' funeral in episode 14.
    Simmons: I never imagined that my death could somehow be worse than my life, but here it is. Bitchin'.
    • And before that, when Tex shot Lopez, who everyone thought was Simmons.
      Donut: We had so much left to talk about! Like our feelings and hopes and dreams! And why most of your insides are wires! How could you just explode like this?! We could've talked! You could've told me what was wrong! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
      Tex: Uh, maybe I'll let that one live... It might demoralize the rest of them.
      Tucker: ... Good idea.
      Tex: C'mon, let's pack it in.
      Tucker: Does anyone feel really, really dirty about this? And not the good kind of really, really dirty?
  • York seems to be getting a lot of these:
    York: (while hacking a door) Man, whoever designed this lock is a genius.
    (alarm goes off)
    Carolina: You were saying?
    York: Okay, I take that back. Whoever designed this lock is an asshole.
  • Wash saying his Catch Phrase in reaction to the bouncy gun. And then getting tackled before he can finish.
    Wash: What the hell? It bounces? Who designs a gun that bounces? This is the worst gun ever. Of all -oomph!
  • Carolina kicking Maine out the window.
    • The two guards as Maine falls behind them.
    • Followed by Maine taking out his frustration (along with his new Brute Shot) on some poor mooks. Wash and York almost felt sorry for them.
  • "What the fuck is with this guy?"
    • What makes that scene even better is that you have the badass action music in the background and Shark Face preparing to fight Carolina and Wash. Then the camera cuts to Wash saying the above quote, and the music abruptly cuts off at the same time.
    • Hell, everything Wash says during Episode 15 is a Funny Moment.
    • As the Mother of Invention is charging up the BFG, York channels Bugs Bunny, handing the transmitter to the leader of those that had just been holding them at gunpoint, saying "Hey man, would you mind holding this for me for a sec?"
    • During an awesome freefall battle, after a jetpack-equipped Tex has just knocked him and the package into the Pelican
    Wash: Oww...
    • Later as they are flying off, Tex is examining her now useless jetpack:
    Wash: So... jetpacks huh?
    Tex jumps out of the Pelican (without the jetpack)
    • York's reaction to Maine's Big Damn Heroes moment was pure hilarity, with a side order of Awesome.
    "Are we in a car??!!"
  • This deleted scene where York tries calling Four-Seven-Niner for backup during the highway chase.
    York: Four-Seven-Niner, come in. Come in!
    479er: Four-Seven-Niner, reading you clear, go ahead.
    York: We need help.
    479er: Color me surprised. What's the situation?
    York: We have two Hornets on us, we need you to take them out.
    479er: Take them out? I hope you mean take them to a nice dinner because I loaded this vehicle for extraction, it doesn't do combat.
    York: You don't have any missiles on that thing?
    479er: It… it's rigged for fast running, York. You know, stealth? Going undetected, that kind of thing? Wait, on second thought, maybe you guys don't know what that means.
    York: Thanks for nothing, Four-Seven.
    479er: I have a couple of grenades, maybe I could chuck those out the window at you.
    York: Hanging up now, Four-Seven!
  • Episode 16: Sarge's plan to save the world: appropriately entitled "Sarge's plan to kick the planet's ass."
  • York's one-liners in episode 17.
    "Would you quit throwing shit?!"
    "Man, I've got to quit jumping off stuff today."
    • Maine gets beat around so much in this episode it becomes hilarious.
  • Grif's plan to get the Blues to make a bomb for him since he's too lazy to do it himself. It works a little too well.
  • Sarge gives us Behind the Black, with a giant excavator that nobody notices until he points it out.
  • The finale to Season 9 gives us this:
    Epsilon!Simmons: Caboose is... God? I guess that makes sense now that I think about it. Sure explains the fuck out of the platypus."
  • Tex: "I know how to lift, jackass. I've been carrying this whole team since I got here."

     Season 10 
  • As the Awesome Music starts up during the introduction to Season 10 as the Director is having F.I.L.I.S. drill a hole through an Insurrectionist ship with her Wave Motion Gun... with York still in there, York has this to say to Delta:
    York: Why you green little cockbite...
    • The context is funny too, thanks to Delta's VA's knack for somehow sounding snarky/smartass and emotionless at the same time.
    York: Umm, what target is locked? What's the target? Delta, what are they doing?
    Delta: Taking more direct measures.
    York: You knew about this?
    Delta: (beat) ...Possibly...
  • Church's Tranquil Fury at finding out that Blue Team's given Wash his clothes, his identity, and has been throwing Wash birthday parties using his name. Ouch.
    Caboose: I wouldn't really use the word "replace"... but there's no word for "take over for you and make everything better almost immediately", so we just say "replace".
    • Also, almost immediately after:
    Church: I think I just got dumped by Caboose! This is un-fucking-believable!
    Caboose: Yeah, it's not me. It's you.
  • The Insurrectionist Guard from Episode 1 floating in Episode 2 in a sitting pose with his chair in space. That is all.
  • Episode 2, one soldier is carrying a bunch of shotguns in his arms and accidentally drops one, which goes off and kills the guy next to him. The best part is his comment after:
    Soldier: Not again. Sorry about that.
  • Poor Wash just can't catch a break when it comes to cars.
    Wash: Why do cars hate me?
  • This entire conversation in Episode 3:
    Sarge: Let's just say you seem to know a lot of women with quick tempers. You got a fetish or something?
    Epsilon!Church: ...yeah, I guess you could say... apparently.
    (Beat)
    Sarge: ...wanna talk about it?
    Epsilon!Church: ... no.
    (Beat)
    Caboose: Wanna talk about it with—?
    Epsilon!Church: No!
  • And this conversation from the same episode:
    Epsilon!Church: Can some one translate that for me? I don't speak Huckleberry.
  • Caboose doesn't understand that "sync" means "are we clear" from Carolina, so he lists other kitchen items, like the refrigerator and the easy-bake oven.
  • A classic:
    Carolina: You guys not used to following orders?
    Grif: Oh, we're used to getting them, alright. We're just not used to doing much with 'em.
  • Simmons following driving laws, even in a firefight.
    Sarge: Simmons, only you could make a high speed chase boring.
    Simmons: Thank you, sir!
  • In order to bring Epsilon!Church along, they put him in Tucker's armor like any other AI. He claims that Tucker's storage unit is so "disgusting" that he had to delete 50 gigabytes worth of data just so he could fit.
    Tucker: You didn't delete my "Home Movies" folder, did you?
    Church: And that brings me to my second complaint...
  • One of Blood Gulch!Church's catchphrases turns out to be inherited from the director himself.
    Director Church: (After The Mother of Invention is hit with a surprise attack) Son of a b-
  • Also, there's Carolina's...method of bringing Wash to safety.
    • And this was only because of the Noodle Incident stoking his fears of overusing his jetpack. "I don't want to end up like Georgia!"
  • Speaking of Wash, his growing obsession with "what happened to Georgia."
    Wash: Would someone please tell me what happened to Georgia?!
    Wash: I really do, though!
  • Episode 5 starts out with Wash and York staring attentively at North's groin, followed by a barrage of Double Entendres.
    Wash: I expected it to be... bigger.
    York: Why? You've seen mine. It's small too.
    North: Hey Wash? Quit staring. You're making it nervous.
    —And—
    North: Besides, you better get used to it. You're gonna have one of your own soon enough.
  • North commenting in a pleasant, completely straight voice that "[York and Wash are] all friends of mine. For reasons beyond my comprehension."
  • Tucker's commentary on Carolina and Washington's reanalysis of Maine's corruption is hilarious, as he keeps trying to get his trademark "Bow Chicka Bow Wow" in...and gets shot at for it when he does.
    Tucker: Bow chicka bow WHOA! Same team, same team!
    • And then he keeps talking, and she keeps shooting, and even Epsilon gets in on the action (bow chicka bow wow).
    *Carolina shoots Epsilon's hologram*
    Tucker: Okay, that one was on you.
  • Wyoming's face (he has a MUSTACHE!) is hilarious. Seriously, he looks like the kind of guy who likes tying damsels to train tracks!
  • The post-Washington conversation interactions with Carolina in Episode 6. First, Caboose accidentally hits on her... then Grif agrees with Simmons about her being bad news, leading to this answer from Sarge.
    Sarge: Normally, I would agree with Simmons. But that would mean that I would agree with Grif! Therefore, I will simply grunt ambiguously. (does so)
  • Wash eating inside his helmet (complete with magic changing fruit!) because Delta told him it would make him "more efficient". Apparently pre-Epsilon Wash it not only naive and innocent, he's also gullible as a fish.
    • That's not the best bit - not only is he trying to eat inside his helmet, he is implied to be succeeding, if the changing food is anything to go by. He is eating entire fruits in between cuts away from him. Looks like it is more efficient after all.
  • That seagull that gets shot in Episode 7 is standing on Wyoming's head.
    • For further entertainment, read the milk carton floating nearby.
  • Wash freaking out over 479's "cut the engines and plummet" method of arrival.
    Washington: Please don't say "crashing"!
    • Delta is calmer, but still thinks ahead to make a backup of himself. 479 calls him out on it.
    • And, of course, Carolina and York teasing Wash as they're falling:
    Washington: I think I'm gonna be sick!
    Carolina: Y'know, Wash, these suits are supposed to eliminate all waste. You could probably throw up in your helmet, and it would take care of it.
    York: Yeah, you should test that.
    Washington: You two are assholes!
    • Delta then chimes in with "we never did get the vomit patch out of beta"
  • This conversation between Tucker and Epsilon in Episode 8.
    Tucker: I tried everything I can to get some info out of her. I tried hitting on her, I tried sleeping with her, I tried making out with her-
    Epsilon: Sounds like a complete effort.
    Tucker: Dude, no kidding! I used the whole playbook! I even used my best pick-up line: "hey baby, did you fall from heaven, cause I've always wanted to bone an angel!"
    Epsilon: Tucker, be honest. Have you ever had sex with anything besides an alien?
    Tucker: Church, the more important question here is: do you know any girls who aren't complete bitches, that won't sleep with me?
    Epsilon: *laughs* Sorry, dude. That seems to be all I have in my life.
    Tucker: You're like the worst wingman ever.
    Caboose: Of all time.
  • Two guards at the enemy base quote the Arc Words before the Freelancers arrive.
    Guard 1: Hey.
    Guard 2: What?
    Guard 1: You ever wonder why we're- *cue ship*
  • At one point in episode 9, Caboose becomes fixated on the trap Tucker said the Reds might be planning for them. Then came the topic of finding out what Carolina's goals are.
    Church: We need to find out exactly what Carolina's up to, and why she isn't telling us anything.
    Caboose: Okay! I will go ask her! Oh—ey—ya—I promise not to bring up the trap.
    Church: No, Caboose, look! Just... Don't.
    Caboose: Okay, fine. What would you like me to ask her?
    Tucker: You can go ask her if she has the hots for me. I think I felt an emotional connection the last time she hit me.
    Tucker: Oh, that's even better!
  • "Hover Church can also solve crimes."
    • For context, Caboose is referring to the time when Church was installed in the Monitor (which, of course, hovers). A few seconds later, It's suggested that Church be installed in a Mongoose.
      Caboose: You're going to solve so many crimes.
  • This conversation in Episode 15:
    Wash: ...Blue base was swept clean. As for Red Base, any evidence that might have been there was completely destroyed during the construction of some kind of giant, holographic projection room.
  • Sarge 's 'truce' talk with the blues.
    Sarge: It's about our mutual friend/enemy/companion.Or Friendenemapanion for short.
  • Epsilon is not happy about being installed in the Mongoose.
    Tucker: How do you feel?
    Epsilon: Like running over each and every one of you.
    Epsilon: Pretty much, yeah.
    • He's also less than impressed with Tucker's attempt at optimism (and with Caboose being ... well, Caboose):
    Tucker: You can literally pick up chicks now!
    Epsilon: Yeah, because every girl dreams of settling down with Optimus PrHONK! [beat] Caboose... don't do that.
    Caboose: Sorry.
  • Sarge's song wishing for Grif's slow, painful death, and the fact that Simmons had subconsciously learned it in his sleep.
    Sarge Singing (tune of "When You Wish Upon A Star"): I just wish that Grif was dead...
    Simmons joins in: ...put a bullet through his head...
    Grif: What? Simmons, how do you know that song?
    Simmons: It's been in my dreams for years! Now it all makes sense. Oh thank God! I thought I was crazy when I woke up with that rifle in my hands!
  • Carolina's slowly building fury as she details exactly how stupid the BGC were for losing the Monitor unit.
    Carolina: How can you just leave an ancient alien artifact on the floor of a warehouse?
  • When she storms off:
    Wash: You guys are not making my life any easy right now.
    Tucker: Do we ever?
    Wash: Good point.
  • After Taking A Level In Kindness, Carolina making a Double Entendre joke to Epsilon about "picking her up" is hilarious, especially in light of the rest of the episode.
    Carolina: Well, you'll have plenty of time on our ride back.
    Epsilon: Yeah, well about that- hey is there anyway we could get back to the others that doesn't involve me carrying you?
    Carolina: Haha, wow Church. I didn't know an AI unit could get so easily embarassed. Tell you what, just tell your friends that you "picked" me up. How does that sound?
    Epsilon: Remind me to never let you talk to Tucker again.
  • When Epsilon is talking about agreeing to work with Carolina, claiming to Tucker and Caboose that it's to get proximity to her.
    Epsilon: Proximity is the key!
    Tucker: I though memory was the key.
    Caboose: Oh, yeah, and the sword. The sword is a key too.
    (...)
    Caboose: We should really get a keyring.
  • Episode 13 features Grif and Simmons having a Call Back conversation about overtime pay and 401(k) matching. Simmons, naturally, not getting any despite regularly working 60 hours a week.
  • Sarge: "In the battle of ghosts versus robots, robots always win. Except in anime."
  • York trolling Wash about the side effects of implantation.
    Washington: You ever get [headaches] after you earned Delta?
    York: At first. They went away pretty quick, though. The other side effects were way worse.
    Washington: Inverted what?!
  • Episode 15 features the glorious return of Donut! After almost three whole seasons! And he's got a sustainable garden! And a scare-Lopez. Oh, and Doc's back, too!
    • Sarge is less than pleased about it, though.
    Sarge: Simmons, commence operation "Point My Gun At Doc".
    Simmons: That was code for "point my gun at Grif".
    Sarge: Oh. Well, then commence operation "Point My Gun At Grif".
  • This little gem in episode 16:
    Grif: Hey, Simmons, when you say Donut nailed Lopez to a board?
    Simmons: I mean with nails.
    Grif: Okay, had to ask.
    Simmons: No, no, I understand. I should've been clearer. That's my fault.
  • This little one from Episode 18.
    York: (having accidentally set off the Mother Of Invention alarm) I swear, this never happens to me.
    Texas: I'm sure you say that to all the ladies.
    • Also, this from the same episode.
      Caboose: Church! You're big again! What has she been feeding you?
    • Caboose and his Fan Shipping:
      Carolina: Listen up! We've got big news.
      Caboose: *Gasp!* You and Wash are taking your relationship to the next level. I knew it. The writing was all over the walls.
  • The incredibly dramatic and heartwrenching episode 19 still managed to have a couple laugh-out-loud moments.
    • The entire Wyoming and York scene. A "Knock Knock" Joke battle, of all things.
      • York slamming a locker door into Wyoming's face and then doing a double-take at the pin-up picture inside the locker. He even goes so far as to tuck the picture into a pocket as he's leaving.
      Wyoming: It's like idiots in stereo.
    • Also, Tex's comment on York's distraction (fire missiles from the Mother of Invention, into the Mother of Invention)
      Tex: You call that big?! Men.
  • In Episode 20, there's quite a few.
  • Episode 21 is mostly pure awesome, but it has it's moments.
    • Carolina improvising an Epic Flail with a grenade and her Grappling-Hook Pistol. It wouldn't be so funny if the music weren't basically carnival music while she does so.
    • Take Church trying to provide tactical backup to Carolina during the first part of the fight with the Tex copies:
    Church: ...seeing this many ex-girlfriends in one room kinda has me terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.
    Carolina: Well, snap out of it! I need you!
    Church: Need me for wh—? *Cue Super Speed* —WHOOAAAAAA!!!
    • During and immediately after Caboose's Foe-Tossing Charge:
      Caboose: MY NAME IS MICHAEL J. CABOOSE. AND I. HATE. TAXES!"
      Grif: It's "Texas", you idiot!
      Caboose: THAT TOO.
    • Grif, yet again, ends up getting hit in the nuts repeatedly by the Tex copies, to the surprise of no one. Even funnier because he just managed to avoid one by the timely intervention of Carolina, only to be hit by a completely different Tex. And off screen, while Epsilon was talking to Tex, he was hit with a Groin Attack by twenty Tex copies at the same time. Tucker thinks that Epsilon not stopping it before that was still Worth It, though.
  • In episode 22, we finally learn the identity of the Mysterious Blue Guy. Not only is he Flowers, as camp as ever, but he was also Agent Florida - apparently, the Counselor had fun fabricating the "Poor Florida" incident.
  • The credits for season 10 show one of the security people as Joe the Cat.

    Season 11 
  • Episode 1: When Sarge decides to remodel the Red's new base, whats his tool of choice? The Blue's tank, which he happily uses to knock out a few walls, with Grif still inside of course.
    • "Possession is nine-tenths of the law! The other tenth is a tank. And I've got both."
  • Wash seems to have fully assimilated as the group's Only Sane Man.
    Wash: Sarge, the reds and blues aren't fighting. We're just camped at opposite ends of the canyon...in color-divided teams...while heavily armed.
    Sarge: True. But have you ever considered that fighting is just in our nature? It's almost instinctual. If we're not constantly trying to stab each other in the back, we'll surely die.
    Wash: Dear God, I hate you.
    Sarge: (Cheerfully) That's the spirit!!
  • Episode 2: In an argument, Wash insinuates that Tucker caused the crash.
    Wash: I have a hard time believing that thousands of well trained crew members were to blame for the incident.
    Tucker: Well they definitely didn't survive it! Ha HA! ha... *coughs*
    Wash: Wow.
    Tucker: Y...yeah.
    Wash: Are you proud of yourself?
    Tucker: ...No.
  • During a discussion on Grif's non-existent construction skills:
    Sarge: I asked you to give me a proper erection, not to stiff me!
    Simmons: So glad Donut's not here.
  • The "flashback" in episode 3.
  • This interaction between Tucker and Wash from episode 3:
    Wash: I said sprints Private Tucker!
    Tucker: I'M GOING TO SPIT IN YOUR NEXT MEAL! EXCEPT IT WON'T BE SPIT! IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
  • Caboose taking a walk by himself isn't depressing at all!
  • Episode 4 has a ton:
    • Caboose investigates a mysterious sound in cave:
      Caboose: Hello!
      Caboose's Echo: Hello!
      Caboose: Oh. That was just me. That was stupid. Have a nice day!
      Caboose's Echo: Thanks, you too!
      Caboose: Well, I am a very pleasant person.
    • Washington tries to whip some discipline into Tucker. It starts out like this:
      Wash: Tucker, in basic training, there's a point when the drill sergeant attempts to break his or her soldiers, so that they might overcome their civilian mind-set and focus on the responsibility and selflessness that comes with being a true soldier.
      Tucker: Uh, bro, I went through basic ages ago. True soldier, standing right here!
      Wash: What is the UNSC motto?
      Tucker: When in doubt, rub one out!
    • From there, Wash has Tucker run an obstacle course. High points include:
      • Wash's idea of a starting pistol—shooting Tucker in the ass.
      • Tucker has an inexplicable hatred of cones.
      • Tucker steps on some huge land-mines.
      • Tucker gets shot at from some off-screen source, with no idea where it's coming from.
      • Wash's obstacle course somehow sends Tucker running through a massive war zone from Halo 4 ("Who are these people???"), and hurtling down the Warthog escape tunnel from the first Halo game! ("What the fuck is going on!?")
      • Wash's assessment of Tucker's elapsed time? "...Adequate. For a beginner."
      • Caboose shows up and runs the same course. In about two seconds. While babbling to himself at light-speed.
      Caboose: Okaythatwasfungottadostuffdon'taskanymorequestionsthankyougoodbyebye!!!
      Wash: ...I...think that's enough training for today.
    • Simmons is being driven to his breaking point by Grif's laziness, as the two are essentially room-mates due to Sarge's decision to divide Red Base into two sides.
    • Sarge insists on using an imaginary door to cross the invisible boundary between his side of the base and Simmons and Grif's side.
    • Simmons volunteers using their spare robot kit to help Wash repair the comm tower. Sarge dismisses this idea...on the conclusion that building a whole robot to help fix the comm tower will be much more efficient.
    • Washington and Grif go into the second floor of Red Base to look for the tool box. Combined with Simmons' commentary and Sarge's insistence on building a robot.
      Simmons: I hate them.
      Wash: Are those my socks?
      Simmons: I hate all of them.
  • Moving on to Episode 5:
    • While "helping" Washington repair the comm tower, Tucker gives a surprisingly accurate description of how the GPS (Galactic Positioning System) on the crashed spaceship was supposed to have worked. Naturally, Washington asks him how he knows about this. Cue a flashback with Tucker listening to a crew member give the exact same speech, sounding disinterested...until he decides to try hitting on the female pilot. Which somehow results in alarms going off. Back in the present:
      Washington: I don't believe you. Then again, I don't really care.
      Tucker: *Sigh of relief*
    • Washington can't find his soldering tool. Tucker asks if he thinks Red Team took it. Washington proceeds to pick up a shotgun and deliver a hilariously tongue-in-cheek imitation of Sarge:
      Washington: Men, it appears our shitty fortifications aren't meeting my ridiculous standards! Let's steal Washington's tank and fire it at our walls! That'll fix it! (beat, in his normal voice) Yes, I think the Reds took it.
    • This leads to Washington expressing why he's so wound up—Tucker is right. (More specifically, that someone should have found them by now...)
    • Lopez 2.0 is online. And guess what? He still speaks only Spanish!
      • The new Lopez actually seems to have a rather friendly disposition, compared to the original. Knowing the Reds, though, this Mr. Nice Guy attitude should be gone by the end of the season.And how...while the original Lopez only became jaded and cynical, 2.0 ends up trying to kill them all!
  • Episode 6! Caboose introduces his new friend Freckles the Mantis! Cue Mass "Oh, Crap!" from the Reds and Blues, and a whimper from Grif.
    • Just to properly emphasize the reaction to Freckles the Mantis, you could easily tell that if they weren't wearing helmets, jaws would have hit the floor. Including AGENT WASHINGTON.
    • The best part is that the introduction comes after they finally make contact with someone on the outside (even though it was Donut). The two teams are ecstatic and make plans to eat all of their rations and waste all their bullets (while Wash tries to talk them out of it), then Caboose comes up to them with his own good news.
    • Wash has some trouble remembering Donut.
      Washington: Who is Donut again?
      Tucker: And a little...
      Washington: Wait, did I shoot him once?
      Grif: Bingo.
    • And before the radio starts working, the guys have a little exchange on the multiple uses of the B-word...
    Grif: (Off Tucker doing squats after Wash ordered him to) Ha! Who's the bitch now?
    Washington: (Trying to get the radio to work) No one is a bitch! Now, both of you be quiet!
    Grif: Simmons is kind of a bitch.
    Simmons: Hey! What the fuck?!
    Sarge: Ah, can it, Private Bitch.
    Simmons: (Resigned) Yes, sir...
    Grif and Tucker: (Smugly) Bitch.
    Washington: (Losing his temper) I said, (hits the radio) be QUIET!
    • And oddly enough, the radio starts working right then. With some help from Lopez 2.0, of course, but still...
  • Episode 7 has Grif forcing Simmons to confront the strange reality that none of them are able to not hold a weapon (due to it being a Machinima). This creeps Simmons out enough that he forgets why he was talking to Grif; to try and make him take out the garbage.
    • Even better when it's revealed that this was all a plan by Grif in order to get out of taking out the trash.
  • Episode 9 had Sarge's extended paranoid rant, but this point takes the cake.
    Sarge: It's almost like all of this is some sort of sick game! *Beat*
    Grif: This conversation is starting to get a little Meta.
    Sarge: You're right... you think he was in on it too?
  • Episode 10 has some poorly chosen words in an argument between Wash and Tucker to cause Freckles to declare Caboose the team captain.
    Freckles: In the unanimous decision by the Blue Team, Caboose has been promoted to Blue Leader. Captain Caboose is your commanding officer. Do not talk back to your commanding officer.
    Grif: Oh, fuck.
    • Without a doubt, a bad decision on their part.
      Freckles: Do not talk back to your commanding officer.
      Tucker: Wash and I are having an argument. I will be talking back to him. That's how arguments work, you fucking toaster.
    • Grif's attempts to distance himself from Sarge as he picks a fight with Freckles.
    • This:
      Wash: Tucker, calm down.
      Tucker: Me?! These guys roll up in a fucking assault jeep and you choose to yell at me?
      Wash: Look, tensions are high—
      Tucker: No shit, Washington. I'm tired of you bossing us around.
      Wash: Now is not the time.
      Tucker: You know, I disagree. We were having a talk when Tweedledee and Tweedle-fucking-idiot decided to interrupt, so let's finish this.
      Wash: There is nothing to finish!
    • As the situation's about to deteriorate into a complete clusterfuck, a single gunshot is heard...everyone turns to see where it came from, and Tex's Leitmotif begins to play... and it's DONUT.
    • And Donut's idea of helping? To bring Doc and Lopez version 1.0 along... and then tell the ship to leave, which means that everyone's STILL fucked.
    • Wash's reaction is so beautifully exasperated that it deserves deliberation.
    Wash: So you're telling me...that you heard our distress signal... grabbed Doc...hopped on a ship...AND THEN TOLD THE SHIP TO LEAVE?! AND THAT'S YOUR IDEA OF SENDING HELP?!?
    Beat.
    Sarge: Kill him! (everyone rushes him at once)
  • In Episode 11, Caboose's first team meeting as leader goes...awkwardly.
  • Also from episode 11, we start to get hints that the ship's crashing might not have been entirely Tucker's fault...
    (Flashback to the ship before it crashed)
    Crew Member: Oh my god! Who spilled soda all over my instruments?!
    Grif: Oh my god! I spilled my soda?!
    (Cue alarms going off)
    (Return to the present, focus on Grif)
    Sarge: (Walks up) Men!
    • Immediately following is Sarge's Bat Deduction popping up again, this time making being a pacifist into being blood-hungry.
    Sarge: Yea, but think about it! You can't spell pacifist without fist, which you need to throw a punch. That always leads to fighting, the precursor to a full-out battle! Which is ultimately the first step on the inevitable road to war! Violence is unavoidable Doc. Time to just admit that you've got a pacifist's natural-born lust for murder!
  • In episode 12, Grif and Doc discovers a stack of high-tech energy cubes. Grif's idea of a finding out what they do is to throw them at stuff and see what happens, ignoring Doc's pleas for caution.
    Doc: What is wrong with you?!
  • Before that, Grif finds a small pistol that shoots modules that stick harmlessly to whatever they hit. He tries one out on Doc. The next few minutes play out without anything happening, and Grif's about to convince Doc to grab one of those pistols and join in the fun. Then Sarge comes up and tells them to get back to work, and for Doc to pull off the sticky-module and toss it aside. As everyone walks away, none of them notice that the module explodes. That'll be relevant about six episodes later...
  • Near the end of episode 12, Sarge finds a heavily-armored mech in the ship. He likens it to seeing a pretty girl on the first day of school. It's actually pretty cute, until...
    Sarge: ...Now, imagine that the pretty girl is armored with a titanium poly-alloy, and outfitted with fifty-millimeter cannons and ammo for days!
    Doc: She sounds pretty high-maintenance.
    Grif: She sounds like I'd need a safe word to date her.
    • And then while they're trying to figure out how to move this giant mech, Sarge suggests taking it apart and moving it piece by piece, in carrying cases if need be...while still using the "pretty girl" analogy!
  • Episode 13 has this in the form of the new Lopez interacting with the old one .
    Lopez: [SIGH] You;re going to want to sit down for this story. It's about 20 hours long and I only enjoy telling it in 5 minute intervals.
  • Also from Episode 13, as Grif demonstrates the teleporter cubes to Donut:
    Donut: Oooh! They're like Pokeballs!
    Grif: No, these are cool! Do not ruin them for me!
  • Episode 14 shows Grif shirking on cleaning the base in order to test the teleportation cubes. Out of frustration, Donut snags a cube, throws it onto Grif's stuff, and then throws it all the way across Exile... straight into Blue Base, right by Simmons.
    • Afterwards, Caboose's newest order is to clean up Blue base. His description of the new mess includes...
    Caboose ...And Simmons won't stop rocking back and forth in the corner, and he's uh...kinda freaking me out.
  • Apparently, Tucker and Grif weren't the only ones who caused the ship to crash... Even Washington helped out a little bit.
    'Wash: Uh, sorry guys, I just knocked out a cable. I hope it wasn't important.
    (Alarms begin to blare)
  • When making up with Tucker, Washington's speech includes this funny little tidbit halfway through:
    Tucker: ...Okay, where are you going with this?
    • What's even funnier is that whether by accident or on purpose, it looks like Tucker's doing a double-take as he hears that last part!
  • This little punctuation to Caboose's latest set of orders is both amusing and oddly adorable
    '''Caboose: Assistant Captain Best Friend Freckles, Initiate piggyback sequence! (leaps onto Freckles' back who proceeds to take him back to base)
  • Lopez 1.0 demonstrates to 2.0 the one reason he likes the Red Team: he can insult them all he likes in Spanish, and they won't even realize it!
  • Following the heartwarming speech Washington gave to Caboose, Caboose tries on the new helmet Wash made for him. Tucker compliments Wash on his scheme, while Wash admits that he meant every word. And then...
    Caboose: Uh oh. I-I can't see anything. Hello?
    Tucker I think you need to work on your craftsmanship.
    Caboose: OH, MY GOD! I'M BLIND!
    Washington: One step at a time, Tucker.
  • Red Team finally gets their robot, the Cyclops, built...and it turns out that Sarge's comparison to a beautiful lady isn't that far off the mark! Only two problems. One, Grif's laziness resulted in several missing parts. Two, she considers everything. to be a hostile...including Red Team. Oh, and three: she ran out of power because Sarge converted her to diesel instead of power cells. Afterwards, Sarge and Grif have this conversation on room for improvement:
    Sarge: Looks like she needs a bigger fuel tank.
    Grif: Fuck that! She needs to be thrown off a cliff!
  • When Locus' four-man assault squad attacks Blue Team, Tucker retaliates and takes one of them out with a headshot. Washington tries to suggest negotiation by pointing out that they don't know who these soldiers are or why they're attacking...
    Tucker: They're the guys who're gonna kill us if we don't kill them first!
  • In episode 16, Doc finishes patching up the leg wound of the mysterious orange-accented soldier (A.K.A. Felix), who points out that he still can't feel his toes. Donut cheerfully observes that this is apparently normal.
  • When Felix claims that the Blood Gulch Crew has a reputation for being the galaxy's greatest warriors, the team's reaction is mixed:
    Simmons: (Gives the rest of the group a dubious glance) Well...I can see how you might think that...
  • Caboose continues to have problems with his helmet's visibility system.
  • We continue to learn that the crashing of the ship at the beginning of the season was the fault of more than one person when Simmons wonders how they ended up all the way across the galaxy. Cue a flashback from Sarge...
    Crew Member:Sir, please! You can't be back here! These engines are delicate!
    Sarge: Can it, pointdexter! No wonder this flight's taking so long! Whoever heard of delicate engines? Engines are supposed to be big, loud, and terrible for the environment! Let's kick this baby into Slipspace!
    Crew Member: Wait—!
    (Sarge throws a switch, and alarms start blaring. Cut back to the present, focus on Sarge)
    Sarge: Er...one mystery at a time there, Simmons.
  • Felix explains his job:
    Felix: I'm a freelancer.
    (Everybody instantly points their Noisy Guns at him)
    Felix: No, n-no, I mean I'm a mercenary! A gun for hire!
    • Even funnier is that even Doc raises his gun!
  • In Episode 17, Tucker manages to fix the visor of Caboose's new helmet...but somehow screws up its voice chip.
    Tucker: How about now?
    Caboose: Still can't see anything!
    Tucker: (Dryly) Open your eyes.
  • In episode 18, as the fight unfolds, Lopez 2.0 inside C.C.'s frame is going on a rampage until Donut steps in. His revealing that he can speak Spanish (poorly) starts out funny, then quickly becomes awesome.... and becomes funny again when he calls Dos-Point-Oh a "teriyaki pencil circus."
  • Also from episode 18, Freckles is low on juice, so Simmons hooks him up to the power supply. Only problem is, all of the power is being diverted to Red Base. Downloading a high definition picture of Freckles on Basebook. Wash sums up the stupidity of the situation perfectly.
  • When Locus gets more involved in the fight by shooting the Reds' tank with a sticky-explosive, Sarge and Simmons bail out just before the bomb goes off. Grif has this to say:

    Season 12 
  • According to the Trailer, Grif trains his men by leading them on infiltration missions into the mess hall, Simmons has the most incompatible team for him, and Caboose is simply not allowed to touch heavy weapons or machinery.... Kimball won't go into details.
  • Episode 1: Grif's armor color gag returns, but this time it is referenced with his squad's name "Gold Team." and demanding it be renamed orange team.
    Grif: You tell them it makes a big difference, Bitters, because I am orange! I am not gold! I am not yellow! I am fucking orange!
    • Simmons having a bit of an anxiety attack:
    Simmons: What would Sarge say at a time like this?
    Grif: Shut it Simmons!
    Simmons: Probably, yeah.
    Caboose: Did we win?
    • When Grif tells Simmons to man up about his girl issue (Since his entire squad is filled with girls.) this exchange occurs
    Simmons: Oh man, this is just like junior high all over again!
    Grif: What?
    Simmons: Why do I have to play in the women league!? I wanna be a mathlete, Dad! A mathlete!
    • When Kimball halts the exercise, Caboose keeps yelling and shooting for a moment.
    Kimball: What. The Hell. Was that?!
    Caboose: [still yelling, then halts] Oh, we stopped.
    • "On a scale of one to ten, I'd say we're pretty much fucked."
  • Episode 2:
    • Two New Republic soldiers talk about a cut power cable.
    Guard 1: The rats must have chewed through the wire.
    Guard 2: That is a military-grade, reinforced power cable. What kind of rats are you talking about?
    Guard 1: ... Space rats?
    Guard 2: ... Yeah, I can see that.
    • Felix gets ambushed by a Fed, and immediately turns and throws a combat knife at the guy, killing him instantly. He then takes a Tiger Woods pose.
    Felix: I am fucking awesome.
  • Episode 3:
    • When Grif is telling the troops the story of the final fight with The Meta (a story that isn't really that exaggerated), he has the troops in utter awe.
      Republic Soldier 1: What did you do?
      Grif: Huh? Oh, uhh we tied a car to him and threw it off a cliff.
      Republic Soldier 2: ...That is the most metal thing I've ever heard.
      • When Simmons shows up, Jensen asks him if The Meta really had the strength of 10 bears, Simmons hesitates for a few seconds before bumping it up to 20.
  • Episode 4:
    • Smith, Caboose's lieutenant, translating Caboose's rambling into something inspiring... And loving the idea of Kool-Aid on tap.
    Simmons: My fellow soldiers. If you elect me as your leader, you're not just voting for a kind, well-mannered leader, you're voting for victory. I've overseen countless skirmishes and calculated my opponent's every move. And although some people may not count Dungeons and Dragons as an acceptable example of military expertise, I beg to differ. A vote for Dick Simmons is a vote for America!
    Palomo: ...But we're not in America.
    Simmons: ...Fuck!
    • Then there's Grif campaign pitch which was basically calling dibs.
    • Jensen getting so nervous that she 'chokes on her own spit' and collapses momentarily.
    Tucker: Simmons, what the fuck is this?!
    Simmons: It was either her or the really hot one who plays volleyball!
    Tucker: Then what the fuck is this?!
  • Episode 5:
    • The rescue squad decides to test their skill by trying to take out Felix. Cue montage of failure after failure, ranging from a Offhand Backhand shield to the face to a training grenade reversal to a call back to Achievement Hunter for Tucker alone.
      Tucker:*Jumps out at Felix*
      Tucker: Surprise Motherfucker!
      Tucker: *Falls off cliff immediately*
      Tucker: Son of a bitch!
    • At another point, Tucker throws a grenade at Felix yelling "Catch!" Felix proceeds to do so, counts a couple of 'Mississippis', then throws it back at the now fleeing Tucker, and fist pumps when it works.
    • Simmons' overly complicated hand gestures to Grif during another ambush attempt, including snapping in Z formation, and Grif's reaction to them. Bonus for Felix walking up and realizing what they were doing, and simply punching Grif (seen via helmet cam).
      Grif: At what point did you think I understood that?
      • Seriously it's hilarious in-universe so well it attracted a crowd with Felix commenting he hadn't heard those guys laughing so much.
    • The guys who edited the footage together are voiced by Achievement Hunters Michael Jones and Ray Narvaez Jr. This cannot possibly be an accident.
    • Palomo being Distracted by the Sexy. And caught doing so on video.
    • The exercise routines. In the running, Caboose is winning, and Grif collapses. With the push-ups, Caboose is simply counting "thirty-three" over and over as he does push-ups, while Grif and Bitters are lying on their sides tapping their fingers. It's minor, but amusing.
    • During the aforementioned Offhand Backhand incident, Felix can be heard expressing his concerns to the female medical officer that he may be too good-looking.
    • Felix's Not So Above It All moment when he sticks his tongue out at Tucker and only realizes it isn't effective with a helmet in the way when Tucker asks why he's still just standing there.
    • The fact that every time it cuts to the people watching the failure montage, the crowd has increased in size until it's about 10 nameless grunts alongside the team. All of them are in hysterics.
    • Smith gave his grenades to Caboose.
    Caboose: *tosses a grenade* Fire in the hole.
  • Episode 6
    • Tucker finally tries to hit on Kimball it goes very badly.
    • Kimball sheepishly admitting that the pond beside her "nice thinking place" is full of radioactive algae
    • Grif is becoming Sarge due to the stress of leadership. He's horrified by this.
    • Bitters stealing and eating a snack cake that Grif has been saving since basic training. It doesn't go too well for him.
    Bitters: [weakly] Don't... let me drown... in my helmet. *gags*
    • Caboose's impression of Sarge after Grif explains his predicament to Tucker.
    Caboose: Yarrr! Drop and give me booty!
  • Episode 7
    • Discussing plans for leaving:
    Grif: Vehicle bay's got plenty of Warthogs I guess...
    Everyone: No!
    Caboose: Ah, you guys are just jealous.
    • The guys at their 'truck stop'
      • Caboose wanting a lottery ticket
      • Grif wanting to loot the place and take the Slushee machine
      • Tucker wanting magazines with 'pictures'
    • Grif and Simmons talking about the worst super power.
  • Episode 8
    • The guys break into the Fed base, and when they're about to get caught, disguise themselves as snowmen.
      • Made even better by Grif saying he used to do it in Bloodgulch, which didn't work for obvious reasons.
      Fed Soldier: But...why, snowman?!
    • Noticing that there weren't any guards around:
      Tucker: I don't know, doesn't look like there's anyone around to me.
      A siren blares off from the speakers around the outpost.
      Soldier on PA: Alright, lunch breaks over. Back to your stations people.
      Feds start piling out of the base and moving to their posts.
      Soldier on a warthog: Come on maggots, get the lead out! Move! Move! Move!
      Soldiers continue to move out of the outpost and set up stations around the base.
      Soldier in a tank: Woo! Brand new tank, coming in! This will kill any intruders for sure!
      Tucker: I hate my stupid mouth.
      Grif: I hate it more.
    • The Feds' Armed Farces moments when their lunchbreak ends and when they rush to save their possessions from being ruined by sewage.
      Fed Soldier:This is what we've been training for!"
      Another Fed Soldier: Christ! Last night was taco night!
      Yet Another Fed Soldier: WE NEED TO SAVE OUR SHIT FROM THE SHIT!
  • Episode 9
    • Washington trying to stay composed while Sarge rants and raves while they are still 'captives':
    Washington: I have an idea. Let's play the quiet game.
    Donut: Ohohoho. It. Is. On!
    Sarge: Great Monopoly's top hat, Wash! Now is not the time for games! Now is the time for action! Come on, help me get out of these cuffs. There's a certain someone in this room that I feel like bludgening to death!
    Donut: Just use your feet, Sarge. If he fights back, I'll beat him off ya!
    Sarge: You're not thinking, Donut! That'll just alert more guards.
    Donut: Well, if I can't beat off a room full of dudes, then what have I been training for this whole time?
    Washington: I would ''really'' like to play the quiet game, please.
    • Donut's safe word: It's "Chrysanthemum".
    • General Dorian Doyle meeting the captive Red and Blues. Followed shortly after by him fainting in front of the captive Red and Blues in his own base, surrounded by several of his men.
    • Washington, Sarge, and Donut confronting General Doyle:
    Washington: So you sent your men to kill us?!
    Doyle: Absolutely not!
    Sarge: I've got a few cracked ribs that beg to differ! And a headbone that strongly disagrees.
    • Lopez's triumphant return:
    Sarge: Bienvenidos, Robo-buddy! You're back in the world of the living! Viva... la Viva.
    Lopez: Yo no estaba muerto. Mis miembros simplemente dejaron de funcionar y ellos tiraron mi en la basura. Fue la experiencia más agradable que he tenido en años.
    Translation: I wasn't dead. My limbs just stopped working and they put me in the trash can. It was the most enjoyable experience I have had in years.
    • And the follow up reaction:
    Sarge: No need to thank us!
    • Lopez realizes that Locus can understand him and completely panics.
      Lopez's subtitles: HOLY SHIT. HE'S BILINGUAL. PLEASE DON'T KILL ME
      • When Lopez is turned back on, his system displays say:
      English.exe failed to initiate
      Sarcasm module 100%
      Life forms detected:
      1 - Idiot
      2 - Loud Idiot
      3 - Agent Washington
      • The fact that he gives more respect to the guy who practically shot him to death than his own teammates is funny in itself.
    • Doyle revealing how low he was in the command hierarchy before enough of his predecessors ran away or died.
      General Doyle: [I was] Personal secretary to the brigadier.
      Agent Washington: WHAT?!
    • Our introfuction to Doctor Grey. While she's happy that Doyle wasn't seriously hurt, she did entertain the idea of experimenting on her commanding officer's fresh corpse. Then she's off to amputate some limbs with all the creepy gusto afforded to her.
      • Her happily explaining that due to how bad the Civil War has gotten, there are virtually no civilians left...and that anyone not in Power Armor was killed long ago.
  • Episode 10
    • Donut's idea of setting up a perimeter.
    Donut: (yelling) Hey! Just so you guys know, you better not come over here!
    Lopez: Usted avergonzar a ti mismo. <You embarrass yourself.>
    • The uncomfortable and somewhat shocked reaction of the Reds and Blues seeing a FED soldier disintegrated in front of them.
    • Tucker's reaction to seeing Epsilon Church.
    Church: Miss me, assholes?!
    Tucker: You fuck! (Jumps at him, passing right through the hologram and falling on his face)
    Church: Huh... Wasn't expecting that.
  • Episode 11: While Church is working on a game plan for Carolina's fight, he's having a conversation with all the other AI. Which includes Delta suggesting he get a dog to combat loneliness, and Theta getting all excited about the idea.
    • Church's snarkiness has not gone down in the slightest.
    Carolina: How long until transfer?
    Church: About forty-five seconds.
    Carolina: And you can't make that go quicker?
    Church: That should give you enough time to deal with the three security personel who are about to come through the door.
    Carolina: What? Which door?!
    Church: (exasperated) There's only one door! They just set a breaching charge by the way.
    Carolina: What?!
    Church: Detonates in three
    Carolina: Why didn't you tell me?!
    Church: Two I just did!
    Carolina: Epsilon!
    Church: One Oh, you'll be fine!
  • Episode 12:
    • Grey cheerfully getting to know the teams.
      • Particular mention goes to when Church first appears in front of her. She takes it strangely in stride.
      Dr. Grey: So... there's a tiny ghost man here. Anyone care to introduce me?!
    • Bordering a bit on Tear Jerker, Caboose insisting that he didn't miss Church.
    • The Reds comparing the Blue's bickering to daytime soaps.
      Sarge: Heh, this is better than any daytime television drama. And that's some quality programming.
      Donut: Maybe Church will turn out to be someone's long-lost brother.
      Grif: I think we've had enough plot twists for one lifetime.
      Donut: And his real name is Horatio!
      Sarge: I'd watch it.
    • We finally see how Simmons contributed to the crash. He was updating the navigation system
      • When Carolina say she thinks the ship was crashed there by 3rd parties:
      Simmons: So what you are saying is, there's no way any of us could be responsible for the crash.
      Carolina: I...well...yes. Why do you ask?
      Everyone else: No reason!
      • Hell, even the fact that Simmons was involved at all is funny.
      • Not to mention that the only member of the team not explicitly involved in all of these hijinx (not counting Carolina and Church) turns out to be...Caboose???
  • Episode 13:
    • Grif refusing to part with his new laser weapon has a few highlights:
      • Donut cheerfully accounting how Grif broke down after the UNSC confiscated the "Grif-Shot" (Meta's old grenade rifle).
      • Grif and Sarge butt heads over handing the weapon over:
      Sarge: Damn it, Grif! Hand over that laser this instant!
      Grif: You can't tell me what to do! I out-rank you! Again!
      Sarge: What the—?! (Angry muttering, followed by hefting his shotgun) Well, let's see you out-rank the end of my shotgun!
      Grif: (Raising his laser weapon) Uh, done. Fucking space-laser, bitch.
      • Church ends up ghosting into Grif to make him hand over the weapon...which is covered in grease, much to Carolina's disgust. And apparently, Grif himself is pretty greasy, much to Church's disgust.
    • Caboose's little talk with Wash about the fate of Freckles.
      Washington: ...Caboose. I'm not really sure how to tell you this without both confusing you... and breaking your disturbingly fragile heart.
      Caboose: I'm an emotional time bomb!
      Washington: (under his breath) Jesus Christ.
    • Caboose treating the flashdrive Freckles like a real dog.
    • Afterwards, Wash is privately reflecting on how it's nice to have everyone back together. Cue the Moment Killer:
      Grif: (Off-screen, shouting) Back off, lady, or I will put you in the ground!
      Washington: Aaand the moment's passed.
    • Grif's teleporter cubes make a return appearance...along with a reminder that they were inadvertently used to teleport Doc to God-knows-where.
      Lopez: (In Spanish) And Doc. You accidentally transported Doc.
      Donut: Oh my God, that's right! We DID use them to defeat Dos Point Oh!
      Lopez: (In Spanish) Oh, for fuck's sake...
    • And Sarge admits that they found said cubes while trying to find a way to defeat the Blues—er, their giant robot, Freckles.
  • Episode 14
    • Caboose's excitement at seeing his life flash before his eyes.
    • Grif and Simmons bantering is called pillow talk. By everyone.
    • Grey promises to make food out of fungi and algae when the group returns. Wash kindly asks her not to.
  • Episode 15
    • Wash talking to Tucker at the beginning after watching Grey chew out Carolina about using her speed enhancement with a bad leg.
    Agent Washington: You know, I don't think I've ever seen a civilian lecture a Freelancer like that. It was pretty entertaining, actually.
    Tucker: Hey Wash, you got a second?
    Wash: I swear if you want me to look at another rash I'm gonna kill you.
    • After Washington gives Tucker his best attempt at a pep talk, Simmons walks up to ask the ex-Freelancer to help with Carolina's interrogation of their new prisoner. More specifically, Simmons is hoping that Wash can calm Carolina down:
    Carolina: (shouting off-screen after hitting something) "WHY WON'T HE TALK?!"
    Simmons: She's a little frustrated...
    • And when they get there, Carolina has resorted to throwing things. Church (who just had a metal crate thrown through his holographic form) dryly remarks that she takes after her mother.
    Church: Yeah, you'd better be happy her mother's not around to hear you say that.
    (Outside, the assembled team is listening to the prisoner's shrieks of frightened pain, and Dr. Grey's renditions of operatic arias.)
    Simmons: (Nervously) Sarge? I'm scared.
    Sarge: Simmons, we're all scared. (Beat) Except for me.
    (Dr. Grey walks out and joins them.)
    Dr. Grey: (Cheerfully) His name's Zachary Miller, he's ex-military, and he was polite enough to hand over the coordinates to a nearby radio jamming tower.
    Carolina: ...All right. Think he's...in a position to answer a few more questions?
    Dr. Grey: Oh, absolutely! Just let me go put him back together.
    (Dr. Grey walks off, and Tucker looks at Caboose.)
    Tucker: Caboose.
    Caboose: Yes?
    Tucker: Don't ever stick your dick in crazy.
    Caboose: I have no idea what that means.
    Tucker: (sadly) I know.
    Zachary: It was like the ship tried to jump to slipspace, change course and power down, all at the same time. It didn't make any sense! Instead of pulling you down, the ship got...ripped apart.
    Washington: ...I'm...gonna go ahead and claim partial responsibility for that.
    • As the mercenaries working for Co-Dragons Locus and Felix catch up to them, Church calls out positions while Carolina and Wash get ready to hold them off in the medical lab. Then the rest of the Blood Gulch Crew retreats into the room, their voices overlapping into a panicked babble that reinforces the fact that they aren't exactly a team of badass commandoes. Most of the time, anyway.
  • Episode 16
    • Carolina's exasperation at Church and Tucker's apology to each other.
    • Freckles is debugged. Now he just needs to get 'fixed'.
    • This moment between Bitters and Smith after a Rousing Speech from Kimball.
    Bitters: Yeah, we're totally dead.
    (Smith punches Bitters)
    Bitters: OW!
    Smith: Not. The time.
  • Episode 17
    • Palomo tries to think of the "Super Elite Team" as The Avengers, citing that Smith is Captain America, Jensen is Black Widow, and he's Tony Stark. Bitters disagrees and claims that if anything, Palomo is Hawkeye... movie Hawkeye, which prompts a violent response from him.
  • Episode 18
    • Doyle is "a leader, not a fighter".
    • Even in an episode of him being awesome, Washington still can't get a break in some areas.
    Wash: If it's not a car, its a cliff.
    • Simmons taunting a (black-armored) pirate.
    Simmons: [pops out of cover] Hey, suck it, Black! [hides again]
    Pirate: [turning to look] What?
    Simmons: [popping out again] Just to clarify, that wasn't a race thing!
    • Dr Grey trying to help the Reds when they gang-tackle one of the pirates.
    Grey: Aim for the jugular!
    Grif: [offscreen fighting] Ow!
    Grey: The Jugular!
    Grif: OW!
    Grey: PUNCH HIM IN THE GODDAMN THROAT!
    Grif: Well why didn't you just say so?
    • And after easily sidestepping Tucker's first sword swing, Felix has this to say.
    Felix: Round one, Felix. (bowing with a mockingly wise voice and his hand holding the knife in his other hand.)
    Tucker: God you're a fucking tool.
    • Lopez being reduced to just a head again.
    Lopez: You've got to be fucking kidding me!
    • And then he remembers that he can control the body remotely.
  • Episode 19
    • Sarge makes Doyle promote him to Colonel so he outranks Grif again.
      • In the credits, he is listed as Col. Sarge.
    • Epsilon giving Carolina a hard time about her performance against the Mercs.
    • "From your friends, the incredibly badass and sexually attractive, Red and Blue soldiers of Project Freelancer. PS: Suck our balls."
    • Caboose put Freckles in his gun.
    • Lt Smith revealing that his middle name is Elizabeth.
    Smith: Or my name isn't John Elizabeth Ander-Smith!
    Tucker: Oh god, is it?!
  • Deleted Scenes
    • Sarge and the rest of Red Team decide to interrogate Zachary instead. Highlights include
      • Simmons discussing his personal life. He got beat up by a girl, trying to tryout for women's wrestling.
      • Donut talking about his armor and musicals. He knows all the words and lyrics by heart.
      • Lopez doing celebrity impressions... of machines.
      • Grif pushing his work off on Caboose, who just keeps repeating tell me your secrets.

     Season 13 
  • Episode 1:
    • In a dark way, Felix casually and bluntly explaining to the ship's crew that he's going to kill them and take their prisoners.
    • The Mercs let the prisoners know of the change of command of the ship.
      Locus: Quiet... As of this moment, we are the new crew of this ship.
      <beat>
      Random Prisoner: Well, who the hell are you?
      Felix: <taking the microphone> Why don't you let the people person handle this, okay?
      • And after the purge, Locus almost deadpans "Congratulations, you're hired." before dropping the mic and walking away.
  • Episode 2:
    • Mathew's has thanked Grif for what he and the rest of his friends have done for them. 56 times. He's glad Grif hasn't gotten annoyed. He has.
    • Simmons's and Donut's fashion commenting on the Fed gunner's armor.
    • Simmons telling the arguing soldiers that the armory is no place for violence and that if they won't calm down, he won't give them a gun.
    • Lopez asking that Jensen not being allowed to drive the vehicles she fixes because she drives like a cross between a young teen and an old lady.
      • Who is also blind.
    • Polomo rendering Wash silent by giving a good reason for not doing well. Also he's trying to make a smiley face.
    • Grif's utter indifference to Wash making the others suffer for his laziness.
    • When Grif finally leaves the training room, the others get done with their laps. Smith is no worse for wear and actually seems a bit chipper, while the others are visibly exhausted.
    • Grif interrupting an important meeting to demand extra rations. Including bigger steaks.
      • And Kimball getting frustrated enough to assign him to dishwashing duty.
    • Doyle manages to get in some good snark at Kimball.
      Grif: HEY! We have a problem.
      <beat>
      Doyle: <Looking at Kimball> Is it tan with blue stripes?
    • Tucker doing a taunting victory dance in front of some captured 'Space Pirates' (to the tune of Another One Bites The Dust, with Sarge singing along behind him. Carolina tells them to stop, because they don't need to inflict cruel and unusual punishment, saying it with quite a bit of humor in her voice.
  • Episode 3:
    • Apparently the alien towers are a regular tourist attraction to the people of Chorus... and they had funnel cake. Epsilon freaks out about how nonchalantly they treat the towers.
    • The return of Dr Grey.
      Dr Grey: I cant tell you how nice it is to get out of the office and away from all the complaining. "My leg hurts." "I need blood." "But I don't want a robot arm."
    • When Grey makes a discovery, her squeal over the radios is painful, in and out of universe. Then she gets in a struggle with somebody on her end, fighting over the microphone.
    • The comments about how "fast" Tucker is. He's very defensive about it.
    • Caboose finally returns! To go on a field trip.
    Caboose We are going to a field!
    • And consequently running amok of the base, including and at one point crashing a Mongoose.
    • Simmons taking offense to Dr. Grey saying that he's the smartest, or at least smarter than his friends.
    Simmons: Why did you need to clarify that?
  • Episode 4
    • Sarge berates Caboose for yelling at the base to when they're trying to scope it out. Then yells at the base to ignore Caboose.
    • Freckles was given full control over the rifle. If Caboose pulls the trigger, it fires confetti and makes party sounds. He fires it at a rock that looked like Church.
      Caboose: Tucker did it.
      • Also, how did Dr. Grey determine that giving control of the rifle to Freckles instead of Caboose was the safer of the two options?
        Dr. Grey: "I gave Caboose the rifle for about five seconds. What a busy day at the hospital that turned out to be!"
    • Dr Grey alternating between serious and manic modes.
      Tucker: Ladies and gentlemen, the smartest person on the planet.
    • Caboose speaks Wingding.
      Caboose: It's a misunderstood language
    • The Lieutenants are a bit tired of running laps. So they jump Grif.
      Grif: Is Wash still making them...
      Smith: Yep.
      Grif: And all of them are...
      Bitters: Real tired of running laps.
    • Caboose starts doing the signature RvB catchphrase, but spaces out before he can finish.
    • Sarge explaining the proper etiquette of responding to a booming alien voice to Tucker, using Punctuated Pounding.
    • Donut was playing around with a supposedly broken plasma rifle, when Simmons comes to berate him for being a bad influence on the kids.
      Simmons: Oh wait, Caboose went with Sarge, go nuts.
    • Tucker and Donut playing with their weapons, prompting their allies on either side to think aloud that the other group probably didn't have to put up with this kind of behavior.
  • Episode 5
    • Felix dealing with the revelation that the Insurectionist Flame guy actually calls himself "Sharkface".
    Felix: Pfftt, Sharkface, Locusnote , whatever happened to normal fucking names. I mean, am I crazy?
    The Counselor: Well...
    Felix: Don't psychoanalyze me!
    • Even before that is Felix's initial assertion after finding out the Insurrectionist Flame guys name:
    The Counselor: He calls himself Sharkface.
    Felix: What is he, a Batman villain?
    • Tucker carries a physical picture of Junior with his 5th grade basketball team.note 
    Doyle: Well that's the last thing I expected to see today... Or ever.
    Tucker: Yeah I know? Who carries around actual photographs anymore?
    Donut: Well if you really want to go Lopez and I can look after the armoury.
    Sarge: Excellent suggestion, Donut. Simmons, looks like you get to see your fearless Colonel on the battlefield after all.
    Simmons: Yay...
    Grif [to Donut] I'm going to kill you in your sleep.
    • Grif laments losing yet another alien weapon.
    • One of the soldiers goes to the armory while Donut's on break. Nobody's there, yet the 'open' sign is out, but he'll give them two more hours.
      • It gets better. That soldier is Ander-Smith. Seems Caboose really is influencing him.
  • Episode 6
    • Wash’s reaction to seeing Jensen driving by.
      • Quickly justified in that there is an immediate and literal pileup with her and her Warthog on top. Simmons is utterly baffled how she was able to do that much damage that quickly while only driving at a slow speed. But don’t worry, Palomo came out unharmed. At least until Bitters crashed his Warthog into him.
    Bitters: This where we parkin' the cars?
    • Back when he first showed up, Church told Caboose that the gas cans in the Warthogs had lemonade… And Caboose has been treating them as such since. This includes just before blowing out his birthday candles.
    • After Epsilon tries to get Carolina to loosen up a bit, she responds to one of Tucker’s statements with “Bow chicka wah what? Isn’t that the joke?” Epsilon tells her to maybe tighten back up slightly, and Tucker is horrified.
      Tucker: I feel violated.
  • Episode 7
    • Felix's usual direct manner of testing what the portal does. By kicking in a random soldier.
      Felix: Well, we'll know soon.
    • When the 'volunteer' returns, talking about facing his past:
      Felix: Oh man, if we're gonna meet every person we've wronged or some bullshit, it's gonna take forever.
      Locus: Quiet.
      Felix: Seriously dude, I'm talking weeks!
    • Felix's opinion of himself:
      Felix: Oh, bullshit! I know what this is about! Why do you know I'm not the true warrior.
      Locus: Because you're you.
      Felix: Yeah, and being me is awesome!
    • Felix managing to verbally trip up Locus.
      Felix: Just don't cry to me when you lose.
      Locus: I won't. [Awkward Pause] Lose. I won't lose.
      Felix: Too late, fucked it up.
  • Episode 8
    • Wash acting so Out of Character that the Reds take notice and are creeped out. It's hinted that he thinks that they're all going to die, which Grif calls him out on.
      Grif: You think we're going to fucking die!
      Wash: No I don't!
      Grif: No you do! You definitely do! You're getting all sentimental and shit!
    • Tucker's "attempt" on the true warrior test. He goes in and gets sent back out immediately.
    • The AI finds his true warrior in Caboose...whom he realizes is too stupid to get what he's talking about.
    • Caboose names the alien AI Santa. Everybody is dumbfound...except for that AI.
      • The icing on the cake? The music stops shortly after this particular revelation, as if to ask, "Wait, what?"
    • Dr. Grey says the UNSC had ample time to study the ruins and gave up, whereas they've only been there a few minutes. Cut to some UNSC equipment that was left behind with a label marked "Fuck You!"
  • Episode 9
    • Kimball's caravan is brought to a screeching halt when she hears that the away team "apparently found Santa."
    • Among the various devices left behind by the aliens on the planet is the Temple of Procreation which was designed to "throw the inhabitants of Chorus into a rabid sexual frenzy with the intent to increase a potentially dwindling population."
    • There's also the towers of weather control, gravity control, arms, communication, and interior decorating.
    • His name is Santa, thank you very much.
      Church: I refuse to call you that.
  • Episode 10:
    • During the fight at Site Alpha, one of the Fed soldiers is wounded...and, much to the exasperation of the New Republic medic treating him, his grasp of anatomical positioning is a little loose:
      Fed Soldier: Oh, god! They shot me right in the lap!
      Republic Medic: ...So, like...the upper thigh...?
      • Then, when told that he was also hit in the tummy, the medic just says it's going to be a long day.
      • All made even funnier when you realize they are being played by the Game Grumps.
    • Sarge is ecstatic about fighting the overwhelming odds. Grif and Simmons decidedly less so. Sarge's plan for breaking through their offensive—a slow-motion charge—doesn't improve their optimism.
      Simmons: Love the enthusiasm, it's great sir, really, but do you think we could try something that won't get my head blown off?
      Sarge: You could always switch seats with Grif.
      Simmons: Done!
      Grif: Screw this, we're regrouping with Wash!
      • It gets better when Sarge goes to Kimball and Wash. They don't get how he can just make something slow motion either.
    • The space pirates, headed by Felix and Sharkface, reach the temple where Chorus' sword-key is being kept...but someone already beat them to it! But who do we have to thank for throwing a spanner into their plan to kill everybody on the planet?
      General Doyle: Oh lord. Of all the people on this planet, why am I the only one down here with this bloody thing?!
    • Guess who's back? Doc, the medic! Only, the Reds and Blues barely remember that he vanished in the first place. He...doesn't take it well when he realizes this.
      Doc: (Lapsing into his O'Mally persona) You incompetent fools! You will all taste OBLIVION!!
    • Felix being a prick to Sharkface.
      Sharkface: This is it.
      Felix: Oh, good! You know, I really wasn't sure until you said that! Why don't you put those AMAZING powers of observation to use and stand guard! Okay? Okay.
      Felix walks away.
      Sharkface (to random Space Pirate): Is he always like that?
      Space Pirate: You just kind of learn to tune it out.
  • Episode 11
    • One of the Feds seeing the irony of an "over my dead body" incident.
    • Grey is delighted to have this chance to work with such an 'interesting' set of personalities.
    • Sarge gets his slow motion 'Dirtbag'.
      • And as he drives away:
      Sarge: Life finds a way!
    • The sheer fact that part of Washington's plan against Locus involved the old hat-on-a-stick technique.
    • "What the fuck is with this guy?!"
  • Episode 12
    • Epsilon 'sitting' on the the chest of the unconcious Carolina.
      Epsilon: She is gonna be so pissed off when she wakes up.
    • Locus picking Felix up.
      Felix: And you say I talk too much.
      Locus: You do.
    • Doyle's moping and finally leaves to go sulk in his room.
    • Even better is when he tells them to find him if they need him.
      Simmons Actually you never actually told us where your room is.
      Doyle Well then I'm a failure at leaving, too.
    • Sarge still points his shotgun at Caboose.
  • Episode 13:
    • The returned Doc lapsing into his O'Mally persona after having it confirmed that yes, no one quite realized that he disappeared.
    • Dr. Gray taking the presence of Doc's omnicidal split personality in absolute stride.
      Dr Gray: This is easily the most vocal split personality I've ever seen....nothing a little electroshock therapy couldn't fix!
      Doc/O'Malley: Ah-ha ha haI beg your pardon?
      Dr. Gray: (Raising an electrode) After you, handsome.
    • The Red and Blues try to ease tensions between the Feds and the New Republic. It...doesn't go well.
      • Grif's follow-up plan is to invite Doyle and Kimball to the same restaurant, telling them that the other wanted to apologize to them. When Simmons points out that this is essentially the same plot idea used in old sitcoms, Grif shows that he's inherited some of Sarge's Insane Troll Logic and capacity for Bat Deduction:
        Grif: One of those old sitcoms was called "Friends," and that's what we want [Doyle and Kimball] to be!
    • Church/Epsilon comparing his inability to run multiple Freelancer gadgets to another set of "performance issues".
    • Felix discovering how he's ended up with a Pyrrhic Villainy—yes, he intimidated General Doyle into surrendering the key, but since said key is still bonded to Doyle, Felix can't use it! And Shark-Face proving completely dry-witted in the face of Felix's borderline Villainous Breakdown, provoking him further, thus leaving it to Locus to keep them from killing each other.
      Felix: (banging the sword-key against a table) "I! AM EXTREMELY! FRUSTRATED!"
    • Then he angrily calls Sharkface 'fishstick'
  • Episode 14
    • Doc's counseling derails quickly. Let's list the highlights.
    • Grif and Doc roleplay as each other. O'Malley takes over and gives a really harsh "The Reason You Suck" Speech towards Grif.
    • Caboose and Tucker go up to talk about their feelings.
    Caboose When you call me names like stupid, and really stupid, it makes me feel sad.
    Tucker When you volunteered me to share my feelings with you, it makes me want to punch you in the face.
    Caboose Well you see now I'm sad again
    • When Doc suggests role playing, Donut calls being the cop, eliciting a Flat "What." response from Simmons.

    PSAs and Other Videos 
  • The end of the "Real Life vs. The Internet" PSA, where they come to politics:
    —REAL LIFE—
    Church: Look, that's just the way I feel about it.
    Sarge: Well I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
    —INTERNET—
    Church: You deserve to DIE! Die and go to hell and be burned!
    Sarge: Oh, yeah?! Well, I hope you get raped! Twice! Maybe then you feel different! Jerk!
    Grif: We don't need to find any weapons of mass destruction! We just need to WANT to find them! That's the way it works!
    Simmons: I VOTED FOR NADER! I HATE EVERYBODY!
    Doc: Would you like to change your home page to moveon.org?
    Donut: Politics make me soooo horny! Check out my webcam picks at presidentialsluts.com!
  • The best part of this whole exchange is that the domain name presidentialsluts.com is registered to Geoff Ramsey, Grif's voice actor

    • Or when they discuss checking your mail:
    —REAL LIFE—
    —INTERNET—
    Simmons: Pardon me, my friend, but I am Nigirean Roylty, and I need you to send me money. Please ignore the fact that I can't spell "Nigerian." Or "royalty."
    Doc: Would you like to refinance your home? Mortgage rates have never been lower! 
    Grif: Hey, Church! We have all the filthiest sluts on the internet. They're hopped up on herbal Viagra and waiting for you!
    Sarge: WOULD YOU LIKE A BIGGER PENIS?! WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE IT? I COULD SUGGEST SOME PLACES!
    Doc: You could put it in escrow! 
    • Earlier in the vid is Gustavo Sorola's (Simmons' VA) favorite quote of the series:
    Simmons: I hate you! And I hate the bands you like!
  • See also the "best of" collections for the cast: Sarge, Church, Simmons, Tucker, Grif, Tex, Donut, Sister, Doc/O'Malley, and of course, Caboose.
  • One word: Grifball. Eventually became an Ascended Meme.
    Caboose: It's just like hockey. Except with Grif, and more teeth.
  • The "Game On" PSA. "Can we stop that fucking horn already!"
  • Everyone was busy during the "Columbus Day" PSA... so they let Caboose host it. Epic Hilarity Ensues.
  • The Valentine's Day PSA. Caboose mourns over celebrating without Church and remembers their "tradition".
    Caboose: Hey Church! Happy Valentine—
    Church: Get the fuck away from me.
  • Outtakes from Reconstruction. Notable moments are "AUTOBOTS, TRANSFORM!" (followed by his absurdly deep "OH MY GOD"), Scottish!Wash, and the Meta teabagging.
  • Church attempting to describe Sergeant Johnson's Memetic Badassitude in the last Halo 3: ODST promotional video.
    Church: Sergeant Johnson is as tough as they come. They say he's a strong as an ox, and as agile as... a... smaller ox.
    Sarge: What?
    Church: He moves like a whisper, that you only say to the wind at midnight.
    Simmons: Why would you do that? That doesn't make any sense.
    Church: He's as cunning as a fox, taking a... pottery class at a... Ivy League university... that accepts foxes!
    Grif: Wow. You're not very good at analogies, are you?
  • From the Sixth Anniversary PSA:
    Sarge: Why are you still in character?
  • The Fire Safety PSA in all of its glory.
    "You may be asking yourself: what is fire? If you're asking that, it's because you're an idiot. You'll probably ask things like 'What am the sky?' and 'How does eat food?' Even cavemen knew what fire was, you dumbass."
  • In their Olympics PSA, Sarge gets the idea to give medals of enriched uranium to the losers.
  • "What I Did On My Summer Vacation.": Caboose gets caught up in the Halo: Reach campaign.
    • "Don't touch any buttons." "...Touch."
    • In Dr. Halsey's introductory cutscene:
    Dr Halsey: Do you have it? (referring to the package)
    Caboose: No, you won't let go of it.
    Dr Halsey: Say the words please.
    Caboose: The words please.
    Jun: What?
    • When Caboose gets dropped off back at Blood Gulch from orbit.
    Caboose: Goodbye. Thank you for the ride. You are my new best friend and I will never forget you. You probably can't hear me though because everyone knows there's no oxygen on a rollercoaster. I am yelling quieter now because I am further away from you.
  • The Blood Gulch team plays Firefight.
  • Donut's Image Song Donut: The Musical will never not be funny.
  • The Higgs Bozos PSA has Sarge's idea of a scientific demonstration, followed by Caboose going on a lengthy and somewhat eloquent speech about the nature of knowledge, closing with the thought that "People will always look up at the sky, and just wonder why we're here". Then he shouts "WATER BISON POWERS ACTIVATE!" and runs off at super speed. Simmons and Sarge's reactions, both to the speech and Caboose's exit, seal the deal.
    Caboose: Yeah, the universe sure is mysterious. But, you know, what if we did solve all the problems? What then? Would we just live on, forever, happy in our triumph over ignorance? Or is ignorance just a common enemy that, once destroyed, would leave our species without a reason to carry on? I guess it doesn't really matter what the answer is, because even if we could attain supreme knowledge, the thought of it just wouldn't keep us together. In the end, people will always look up at the sky, and just wonder why we're here. WATER BISON POWERS ACTIVATE!
  • From the Online Survival PSA:
    • Discussing how to deal with Internet Trolls with a Red and Blue Battle Creek Zealot each playing the role of a troll. Just hearing SARGE saying this is hilarious:
      Sarge: (trying not to retaliate) Frowny emoticon...!
  • During the PSA's released to announce Halo4's release date, Sarge and the Reds are trying to keep the release date secret from the Blues so they won't know to pre-order. The camera then cuts to Tucker and Church, who then casually reveal that they already knew the release date and have pre-ordered. Also, Sarge's song about the date so that they remember.
  • The Gadgets PSA, providing a satire against how new seeming gadgets get replaced by even newer ones.
    [BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ]
    Simmons: Ah, Jesus!
    Church: What's that noise?!
    Simmons: It's my cellphone. Donut must have borrowed it. He's always overclocking the vibrate setting and calling himself.
    Church: Gross...
  • The Voting Fever PSA; it's a Call Back to their Halo 4 announce date videos; with Grif and Simmons trying to trick Sarge into thinking they were out to vote. Sarge forces them to do a pro-voting musical number; with a chorus of ODSTs joining in and Grif having no clue about how elections work. To top it all off, it's revealed Sarge used the song as a distraction to steal their place in line to buy Halo 4.
  • York's Image Song "Come On Carolina", where he complains she's "always being such a bitch" and needs to "stop kicking me", and suggests "playing Halo 4 naked" and "having babies with green eyes".
  • The teaser for Season 11. To elaborate, it begins with two random soldiers talking, with one of them (Dennis) giving a rather truncated summary of everything the Blood Gulch Crew's been through up to this point, while his friend (Jerry) keeps demanding to know how this is relevant to them:
    Jerry: Dennis?
    Dennis: Jerry?
    Jerry: I love you.
    Dennis: O...kay...what?
    Jerry: You are my friend.
    Dennis: I know.
    Jerry: I enjoy our Tete-a-tetes.
    Dennis: Our what-a-whats?
    Jerry: But if you do not tell me what the hell all this has to do with us in the next five seconds, I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU!
    • Eventually, it turns out that the two guys were supposed to greet the ship that was transporting the BGC...and that said ship hasn't shown up. Naturally, Jerry starts wondering where they are. Cue the Gilligan Cut to the BGC standing before the smoking wreckage of a massive transport, now marooned on an alien world. And the more things change, the more they stay the same:
    Caboose: Not my fault.
    Tucker: Absolutely your fault.
    Sarge: *Chuckles* Well, looks like we're gonna be here a while; better build some bases! Grif, Simmons, let's get to work!
    Simmons: Yes, sir!
    Grif: Ugh, work? I hate work! Work's the worst!
    Washington: I think I'm going to regret this.
    • Caboose is right for once. As far as we know, it really wasn't his fault.
  • During a live event, the RT crew did a live table read for the then upcomming 'MIA' miniseries. While the regulars were doing the assorted voices (with Bernie doing Vic), they had a pair of audience members doing 'nariation' and 'sound effects'. At one point, when Vic is dialing the phone, the sound effects guy made the touch tone sounds play Mary Had a Little Lamb.
    Gus: Hey, don't steal the spotlight.
    Sound effects guy <bows to the crowd>
    • Also, at the end of the 'call', 'Vic' ab libs that Sarge and Doc sound alike. 'Sarge' replies that they don't, but why doesn't he call up Church, or even Lopez.
  • The 'Match Breaking' PSA with Tucker and Simmons giving advice on how to get a date/to get laid. Funny overall, with a guess appearance of Sister, it ends with a Warthog driven by Carolina, with Grey and Kimball, running Tucker down.
    Tucker: Lavernius Tucker, love doctor extraordinHURGWAAauh
    Carolina: Nobody here had a problem with that, right?
    Kimball: Not at all.
    Dr. Grey: Nope!
    • Prior to this, Simmons runs off after a date he'd stood up because she'd sent him a ;) emoticon, which was "getting too serious". He shows up again - after having spent the night with Tucker working the rebound.
  • Sarge and Caboose go camping. It goes about as well as you'd expect. Except that they go camping in Minecraft.
  • In the Relocated commentary Burnie Burns stated flat-out that if a joke is funny enough, the continuity gets temporarily suspended so it can be used, in the particular case the "Sister falling through the ice" joke.
  • Red vs. Blue Blockbuster Trailer
  • Sleeper, a live-action skit, features Sarge, Caboose, and Grif in cryogenic stasis being awoken by a nameless scientist type (as played by Burnie Burns). Not only is it hilarious to actually see everyone in Spartan armor Head Bobbing like in the games, but Grif treats cryosleep like regular sleep, including installing a snooze button on his tube's alarm and begging off for "five more minutes" when Sarge tries to wake him. When the scientist notes that the taste of cryofluid should keep him from going back to sleep, Grif reveals that he "got bubble gum flavor" and a cut to the scientist's Data Pad reveals that he really has flooded his tube with bubble gum flavored cyrogenic fluid. Everyone else apparently got "scrotum flavor."
  • Simmons interrupting the ASMR PSA (just in time to cover up Caboose removing his helmet) with an Anonymous-style warning. He then leaks all of their personal files to each other, including his own. He gets tackled by Tucker and Grif after they feign sympathy for him and walk off-screen to find him inside the base under the pretense of giving him a hug.
    • Caboose wanting to role-play as a dragon and book-ending the video by asking if they were still going to do that.
    • The content that Simmons leaks is ridiculous:
      • Tucker's Slash Fic collection about himself.
      • Nude pictures of Sister, much to Grif's embarrassment.
      Tucker: And saved. You know, for later. To give back to her.
      • A screenplay for a Sarge movie sequel written by Simmons himself, though Simmons didn't mean to leak that.
      • A nude picture of Donut, though not leaked by Simmons, but by Donut himself unsurprisingly.
  • One bonus video proported to show that before Nathan Zellner was cast as the alien in Blood Gulch Chronicles, they had the other cast members audition for the role. The result was a video of the various VAs doing it in character of their roles.

Alternative Title(s):

Red Vs Blue The Blood Gulch Chronicles, Red Vs Blue The Recollection, Red Vs Blue The Project Freelancer Saga