- Hawkeye's farewell to Frank Burns after he is committed for psychiatric observation and transferred out of the 4077th:
: A toast. BJ
: Something tender. Potter
: Something sentimental. Hawkeye
: Right. [beat]
- Pretty much any of the 'two-man routines' between BJ Hunnicutt and Hawkeye Pierce:
BJ: [to Hawkeye] Your gun, sir.
Potter: Is it loaded?
BJ: I filled it with water myself.
Hawkeye: Look out everyone, I shoot to drown!
- In the aforementioned episode, Hawkeye has two other bits involving serious wordplay to show how much he detests guns.
- "Officer of the Day" features another rant along similar lines:
Hawkeye: I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll care a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, Carry Me Home to Old Virginia! I'll even hari-kari if you show me how! But I will not carry a gun!
- And then later, in "Hawkeye Get Your Gun":
Hawkeye: I'll clean their wounds, heal their wounds, bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds!
- Not gun-related, but still another rant, from the series finale:
Hawkeye: I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the "A" train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take five.
- Winchester's Establishing Character Moment after making Hawkeye's snake-in-the-bed prank backfire.
- The entirety of "Movie Tonight".
- Every scene with Col. Flagg.
: You think you're smart. But you're not. You're dumb. Very dumb. And you've met your match in me.
Flagg, let's not cause any more casualties. Flagg:
What's war without casualties? BJ: Peace? Flagg:
If it wasn't for war, you wouldn't know what peace was! BJ:
(to Hawkeye) He has a point. Hawkeye:
Yeah, it's on his head.
- Father Mulcahy's temperance lecture...while drunk.
- Col. Potter's sleep-medication-induced rambling anecdote about prickly heat... over the PA system while Margaret, who has that condition and wants to keep quiet about it, is trying to explain the situation delicately. What she didn't know is that Klinger has finally reassembled and reactivated the PA system after needlessly dismantling it for practice. When she finally hears the rest of the camp laughing and realizes why:
Houlihan: Wait a minute, is this stupid PA on? Klinger, you idiot!!
Klinger: Major, no! It took me 3 hours to fix this thing- (SMASH)
- With the ultimate follow-up: the next morning, Potter - who has no idea that he did anything last night but take a sleeping pill and go to sleep, walks into the mess tent where Margaret, who is still unable to sit down, is waiting.
- In "Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde", Hawkeye stays awake for three days straight, and becomes so sleep-deprived that he stumbles into a lecture by Frank and asks him why the war is happening ("Was it something we said?"). Frank replies that the North Koreans envy the American way of life; Hawkeye concludes that the war might end if the North Koreans had indoor plumbing, and concocts (and partly carries out) a plan to ship the latrine (and the visiting general inside it) to the North Koreans to end the war.
- Most of the plans for getting Hawkeye to sleep are humorous as well, especially the attempt to inject him with a sedative (they got the wrong rump and knocked out Frank instead).
- Any time Colonel Blake attempted to give a lecture involving cardboard cutouts of male and female labelled A and B.
Trapper: What happens in the event that figure 'A' is attracted to figure 'B' and wants to get married, but figure 'A' is already married to figure 'C' and figure 'B' is engaged to figure 'D' but figure 'A' can't keep his hands off figure 'B' because she's got such a great figure?
Radar: Sir, do you suppose that sometime you could give us a talk about VD?
- Hawkeye delivering a eulogy for the title character at the end of "Tuttle". The look of horror on his face when Henry suddenly asks him to deliver the eulogy is hilarious, but then Hawkeye manages to pull it off.
- "98 degrees plus 98 degrees equals 196 degrees."
- In one episode BJ pulls a prank on Hawkeye and Charles that involves Charles frequently getting pantsed and Hawkeye getting the blame and almost turned into a camp pariah. When Hawkeye and Charles figure out what BJ is up to they fire back in grand style: they strip BJ while he's asleep, stick him and his cot in the nurses' tent and nail his blanket to the cot so that he can't use it to cover up. Then they fake an announcement of incoming wounded to ensure that BJ comes outside, where Hawkeye and Charles are lying in wait with an audience of nurses and enlisted, and a camera to capture it all for posterity.
- After being told by Klinger for the umpteenth time that I-CORPS won't replace her broken footlocker because it wasn't damaged in combat, Margaret calmly borrows Winchester's hunting rifle, walks inside her tent and then shoots said footlocker.
Margaret: There I was, alone in my tent! Suddenly, a sniper leaped out at me, and fired two shots! Bang! Bang! Without hesitation, my valiant foot locker threw itself into the direct line of fire, giving its life that I might live!
- In a fifth season episode, Klinger sits down and starts pouring what appears to be gasoline over himself, in preparation of setting himself on fire, in another attempt to get a Section 8. Colonel Potter calls Klinger into his office to try to talk him out of it, takes a curious sniff, and whispers something to Radar behind Klinger's back. A minute later, Klinger rejects Potter's offer and storms back out to resume pouring the "gasoline" over himself. At the first splash, Klinger spits out the real gasoline, then yells "Who put gasoline in my gasoline?!?" He gets up and runs into a nearby shower tent. A nurse runs out, screaming and covering herself with a towel.
- Col. Henry Blake unknowingly giving a discharge to a sheep.
Henry (upon finding out): Private Charles Lamb?
- Earlier than that, when the sheep has disappeared but he doesn't yet know how.
Henry: Everything in this country disappears except me. Boy, what I wouldn't give to wake up one morning, look down, and find myself gone.
- "The General Flipped at Dawn". Eccentric, racist General Steele, played by Harry Morgan, the same actor who later plays Col. Potter. His breaking out singing "Mississippi Mud" will bring a tear to your eye.
- The exchange that ultimately leads to his being Kicked Upstairs is just too much, wrapped into something so simple:
General Steele: You're insubordinate!
General Steele: You're insolent!
Hawkeye: Right! And you're nuts!
- "We will now leave one by one in order of departure."
- In the Season 4 episode "The Gun", Radar is blamed for the loss of a colonel's personal revolver (actually stolen by Frank Burns). Radar eventually gets drunk and confronts the colonel; at the same time Frank tries to return the gun...and shoots himself in the foot.
Radar: You better believe it, or I'm dead where you stand mister... [points teddy bear at colonel like a gun, at which point we hear Frank shooting himself in the foot; Radar looks stunned] MY BEAR WENT OFF!
- The stunned look on his face really sells it.
- "YOU TELL 'EM, FERRET FACE!"
- Klinger's (fake) letters from his family. Especially the scene in which Henry Blake reads from an extensive group of letters requesting that he be given a discharge because various people are dying or pregnant. In the last, half the family was dying, the other half was pregnant.
: Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself? Klinger
: Yes, sir. [beat]
I don't deserve
to be in the army.
- "Hey, Henry, isn't that your desk?" "It just keeps going up, and up..." "To a far, far better place I'm sure."
- Throughout the episode "Dear Sigmund", pranks have been played on just about everyone by BJ Hunnicutt. At one point, Sidney the psychiatrist exits the tent to find Frank digging an air raid shelter to hide in, just in case. Towards the end of the episode, Sidney comes outside to find BJ whistling as he fills the shelter with water. He asks if Sidney wants to help, and tells him to shout 'air raid' as loud as he can. He does so, and Frank runs out of the tent in his long underwear and dives for the hole. Hilarity Ensues.
- The bathtub saga in "None Like It Hot" has several.
- During "The Bus", the four surgeons plus Radar get stuck out in the wilderness with a broken-down bus. Burns takes a screwdriver from a North Korean soldier who surrendered to them and accuses the POW of sabotage (he actually was fixing their broken-down bus). Burns is holding the screwdriver, and...
BJ: (gently pushes the screwdriver down) Careful, that could be loaded.
- The entire episode of "Joker is Wild". After accepting a dare from Hawkeye, who had been unfavorably comparing BJ's pranking ability to his old friend Trapper's earlier, BJ proceeds to play an elaborate prank on him. It at first seems BJ is pranking everyone else in a rampant gag spree, however the others are actually in on it the entire time. Hawkeye was the ONLY target. By the end of the day, Hawkeye is so paranoid he ends up surrounding his cot with barbed wire fencing and keeping a golf club at the ready, refusing to sleep. His expression when the The Reveal happens is priceless. Doubles as a Moment Of Awesome.
- When Margaret needs a pregnancy test, Radar allows his rabbit to be used, provided the doctors not kill it. Hawkeye and Margaret manage to perform surgery on a rabbit despite having no experience or idea of what they're doing. Margaret thanks him afterward, and Radar says, "That's all right, Major. You'd've done the same for her."
- Hawkeye and Trapper sitting in the Swamp wearing gorilla costumes, acting nonchalant. Even better is when Frank reluctantly asks for the pair to operate on his hernia, Hawkeye replies that he needs to consult with his colleague. The two begin hopping around, making gorilla noises, until Hawkeye turns to Frank, drapes his arm over Trapper's shoulder and says that "We'll do it—me and the missus." Bonus points for Trapper moving into the "Thinker" pose.
- Anytime Radar feigns innocence, despite being probably the most savvy person in the unit.
Frank: (Walks into office) What are you doing here?
Radar: I was drafted, sir.
- Hawkeye upon learning about the (false) ceasefire from General Clayton.
Hawkeye: General Clayton, this is Benjamin Franklin Pierce, look I realize you're a general and I'm just a captain but I want to have your baby.
- One episode has Hawkeye, Trapper and Frank off to pick up some wounded that are being returned to them. They are warned that they are not to bring weapons, at the risk of losing the wounded in question to prisoner camps. Frank, being Frank, sneaks along a small handgun, giving himself away when he goes for it in response to a misunderstood gesture. The man in charge of returning their wounded is royally pissed off at this breach of contract and demands that Frank produce the weapon. When he does...
[laughing incredulously] What the hell is that!?
- The gun is so hilariously tiny that Hawkeye is right in deeming it as something that would have come out of a box of Cracker Jacks. For reference, Frank holds the gun up with two fingers.
- "Hey Doc": Potter gets a tank sent to the 4077th to scare away a sniper. Frank brags to Maj. Houlihan how well he can drive said tank and decides to take it for a spin. He does not do well. At all. The tank goes bonkers and drives through half the camp (literally), including flattening the Swamp (sending BJ combat-rolling out the back through the mosquito netting and running for it), the rampage finally culminating in Potter parking a jeep in front of the tank and ordering Burns (who has no idea how) to stop. He gets out of the way, but the jeep does not. As the flattened jeep's horn continues blaring, Potter draws his pistol and shoots it to put it out of its "misery" like you would a horse.
- Bonus points: Potter is former Army cavalry and earlier in the episode, he refers to tanks as "Today's Cavalry". It's the punchline to one episode long horse joke.
- Even better: It's probably a reference to one of the famous Bill Mauldin's WW2 cartoons, where an old cavalry Sergeant tearfully shoots a broken down jeep.
- In the episode "I Hate a Mystery", Henry is turning the Swamp upside down looking for stolen property. Turning up nothing, he comes to the stove and accusingly asks Hawkeye and Trapper what's in the stovepipe, to which Trapper deadpans, "Soot, sir." Not believing him, Henry disassembles the pipe and looks into it—getting a face full of soot. It's a pretty standard slapstick cliche, but what makes it funny is Hawkeye's reaction, laughing so long and hard it's impossible not laugh with him. Radar is also obviously trying not to laugh, and even McLean Stevenson (who plays Henry) is corpsing a bit himself.
- Hawkeye and Margaret's kiss in "Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen" that goes on...and on...and on, while Potter, BJ and Charles stand awkwardly and try to look anywhere else. Colonel Potter's reaction in particular is hilarious.
- Klinger to a little Korean girl in camp in "The Abduction of Major Houlihan":
Klinger: This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.
- In "Crisis", set during a cold snap while supplies are running low, people are stealing from Henry's office in order to keep fires burning, including slowly dismantling his desk over the course of the episode.
Henry: Radar, am I getting taller or is the room shrinking?
Radar: Well, somebody cut the legs off, sir.
Henry: Aw, that's dirty pool.
Radar: Well, they'll burn anything to keep warm, sir.
Henry: I know! But to cut off a man's legs, and steal his drawers!
- And at the end of the episode, he's sitting in the middle of his now-empty office, trying to request new...well, new everything, as they were forced to burn everything "that didn't move or salute." For reference, the only three things inside Henry's office besides Henry himself are the phone, the skeleton hanging in the corner that presumably couldn't be burned, and a jerry can that Henry is using as a seat.
Henry: [on the phone] I'm sitting here talking to you from inside a real big empty!
- BJ's introduction to Frank Burns. Especially since Frank had just been saying he was going to mold the new surgeon in his own image. Unfortunately Hawkeye got there first.
BJ: What say you, ferret-face? (falls down laughing in drunken stupor)
- The escalating prank war between Margaret and BJ and Hawkeye in "An Eye for a Tooth", orchestrated behind the scenes by Charles who is playing both sides.
- In "Potter's Retirement", a mole is sending reports to the Inspector General about Col. Potter and he's debating retiring as a result. Hawkeye and BJ confront Charles, assuming that with his grudge against Potter he'd be a logical informant. Charles's response is as always, erudite and hilarious.
: There are no informers in my family! Winchesters
do not spy! [beat]
We do on occasion hire
- The staff's reaction to Klinger's redecorated room. Klinger brings Hawkeye and Margaret into the office where Potter, Charles, and BJ are waiting, and the two react with Stunned Silence...until BJ, obviously trying to avoid laughing, lifts up a massive conch shell that he found in the room. Then everyone loses it.
- "Bottle Fatigue". Hawkeye tries to quit drinking temporarily after seeing just how much alcohol he's been consuming. The first morning, he comes in singing loudly while BJ and Charles are hung over and trying to sleep. Charles's reaction is priceless.
Charles: Pierce, you remind me of a dog I once had. He too was cheerful in the mornings, so I gave him to a family of immigrant Japanese and they ate him.
- Klinger's voodoo.
: (jumps out from behind a corner, shaking what looks like flour at Col. Potter and Radar)
Um-dallah! Moo-goo-gai-pan! Hear me, oh spirits of darkness! [beat] [points at Col. Potter]
That's the guy.
- In one episode, Col. Potter and Hawkeye have to instruct Fr. Mulcahy, over the radio, in how to perform an emergency tracheotomy. The Fr. succeeds and signs off over the radio.
Potter: Well, what do you think?
Hawkeye: I think I'm an idiot. I came all the way to Korea to do surgery when I could have stayed at home and phoned it in.
- When Frank learns that Margaret has been collecting all the love letters he sends her, he tears her tent apart (even using a knife to rip apart boards she was using as a wall) searching for them. He eventually falls asleep on the floor, where she finds him after she finishes her night shift. When she confronts him, he sheepishly asks "Have you got a pencil?" and blames all the damage on him trying to find one to leave her a note.
- Hawkeye starting a riot in the mess tent after being offered fish or liver for lunch in "Adam's Ribs".
Hawkeye: I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver that I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!
- "Communication Breakdown": Charles offends the rest of the camp over an allegedly stolen newspaper. An anonymous prankster or pranksters then proceeds to steal first Charles' bathrobe while he's in the shower then later all of his clothes and belongings. Charles ties the main support pole of the Mess Tent to a Jeep with the intent of bringing it down on top of everyone inside but he's stopped at the last minute by Potter, who sets Charles straight about what really happened to his missing paper. Potter then proceeds to grab Charles by the ear like a naughty child and drag him to the office, and forces him to get on the P.A. system to make a public apology.
- In the episode where Hawkeye is temporarily blinded by a stove exploding in his face, Frank comes into the tent where Hawkeye is sitting whistling. It's easy to miss, but the tune Frank is whistling? Three Blind Mice.
- Many of Hawkeye's one-liners, like this one from "Yankee Doodle Doctor" used as a rebuttal to Frank's usual show of disgust.
Frank Burns: Why you...you...!
Hawkeye: Who you calling a you-you?
- Klinger's attempt to desert the camp by hang-gliding out of it... in aviator goggles, a blue housecoat and pink fuzzy slippers. The Special Effects Failure only makes it that much more funny. The reactions of Hawkeye and Trapper add to it.
(Hawkeye is making time with a nurse, when...) Hawkeye
: Did you see that? Nurse
: What? Hawkeye
: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet. (Trapper runs up with another nurse) Trapper
: Hawkeye, did you see that? Hawkeye
: What did you see? Trapper
: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet. Hawkeye
: [to the nurse] See? (Back at the trial...) Henry
: He was found several miles from the camp, unconscious and looking like a big red bird with fuzzy pink feet
- Another one-liner from "The Yalu Brick Road" when Hawkeye and BJ return to camp with a North Korean soldier who surrenders to every person he comes across.
BJ: Don't you understand the international symbol for touchdown?!
- Hawkeye breaks up an argument between a Turkish patient and his commanding officer, who is convinced the man shot himself in the foot in order to get taken off the front lines (surprisingly, the soldier didn't shoot himself, which is a switch from when it normally comes up). When the argument escalates, the officer pulls out his pistol and is preparing to shoot the patient then and there for cowardice. Hawkeye and Winchester hustle the officer out of the tent, we hear a struggle and a shot. After a tense pause, Hawkeye and Winchester carry the limping officer back into the tent, saying, "Now, see, that's what a self-inflicted gunshot wound looks like..."
- "Change of Command", where Frank throws a childish and childlike temper tantrum upon learning that he's being relieved of duty as commanding officer for the soon-to-arrive Colonel Potter — complete with feet stamping, fists pounding, crying out "IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S MY MASH! MINE!!! and even holding his breath! Later still, Frank "runs away from home," as Hawkeye puts it. And even later again, when Frank returns and reports himself to Potter the next morning, the look on his face when Potter compliments Klinger's Shirley Temple ensemble is priceless.
- After Charles has enough of cleaning up after Hawkeye and BJ, he goes full slob. Eventually, they get sick of the mess and start cleaning. Hawkeye is holding a magazine/dustpan while BJ sweeps dirt onto it when Charles comes in and throws a piece of trash on the floor. Hawkeye then deposits the contents in Charles' bunk. This begins a long sequence of each side destroying or dirtying the other's stuff. They do this so calmly, not saying a word or trying to stop each other, or even reacting much at all other than to take turns performing more and more outlandish acts of destruction as an audience gathers to watch. The best moment is when Charles takes Hawkeye's mattress and launches it through the wall of the tent.
- When Klinger goes to get Potter, the old man's only reaction?
Potter: I think that bunk would look better on top of Winchester's desk.
Klinger: ...Is that all, sir?
Potter: No, one more thing. [eyes the feathers lying around the room from when Hawkeye and BJ ripped open Charles' pillow] Order a new pillow.
- Henry's dazed reaction when a jeep is sent into his tent in "Cowboy." "Jeep, boom, through, kill."
- Henry telling Radar about his experiences with the Illinois football team in "The Army-Navy Game".
Henry: Two minutes to go. Crazy Wilensky – great quarterback, only weighed 120 pounds. Got arrested the next year for punching a milk horse. Anyway, Crazy snaps one off, throws a bomb to Tanker Washington. Old Tank runs it down to the Ohio State one-foot line. One foot! Can you imagine?
Radar: 12 inches.
Henry: Not 12 inches, one foot! Anyway, Tanker twisted his ankle. So, quick as a flash, thousands of eyes on me, I run across that field and tape that leg good and tight, then run off. 30 seconds to go. The ball snapped to Crazy. Crazy fakes a hand-off to Butcher Palasco, and then gives it off to Tanker. And Tanker starts off and hits the ground screaming, his face twisted with pain.
Henry: No. I taped the wrong leg.
Radar: Oh. [long pause] Was he mad?
Henry: To this day, once a year, Tank Washington comes to my house and shoots out the porch light. [sighs] And he's a judge now.
- Radar sees that Potter is wearing a pair of silky, hot magenta-colored boxer shorts, that he seems really proud of.
Potter: Before you say anything, Mrs. Potter made these for me. Now what do you think of 'em?
Radar: Thanks for the warning, sir.
Potter: Would you like her to send you a pair?
Radar: Ugh... could she make the same thing in white?
Potter: It's a rare treat to share your underwear with a friend.
Radar: Sure, sir.
- From the Grand Finale, Klinger leading up to his proposal to Soon-Lee:
Klinger: Remember when I told you that I used to wear dresses to try and get out of the Army?
Klinger: Well, I saved a couple of 'em, I brought one over.
Soon-Lee: Oh, good, I always wanted to see you in one!
- The episode "Five O'clock Charlie" in its entirety. Just the fact that only Burns and Houlihan actually take Charlie seriously, to the point one of the generals they want to complain about is overheard placing bets on Charlie's ineptitude.
- From "Inga", a Swedish doctor comes to the unit. Hawkeye tries to score with her, using some of Charles's music to set the mood.
Hawkeye: All he's got is drums and cannons! I want her to melt, not keel over!
BJ: Try the Ariosa, by Bach. Peg and I like to put it on at bedtime.
Hawkeye: Does that really work?
BJ: Have you seen my baby pictures?
- This little exchange from season 5's "The Colonel's Horse", in response to Hawkeye and BJ complaining about having to put up with Frank Burns as acting Commanding Officer whilst Colonel Potter is in Tokyo:
BJ: Can't you do something?
Potter: Like sit him down, have a talk with him?
Hawkeye: No, like stand him up and have him shot.
Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.
- Potter gets a little snarky when Hawkeye rubs him the wrong way:
Potter: (chuckling) You know, Pierce, sometimes you can be very funny. (suddenly deadpan) And then there's now.
- In the Season 8 episode "April Fools", pranks abound. Margaret squawks offscreen, and Hawkeye and BJ look at each other questioningly, until Margaret barges into their section of the scrub room.
Margaret: Alright, who left the dead minnows in my pocket?
Winchester: [indignantly] They were alive when I put them there, you've killed them!
- In one episode, some locals set up a good-luck totem in the camp, but are forced to take it down. Bad things start happening to the camp, culminating in one of the locals getting injured. The man refuses to be operated on until the OR is exorcised, so Hawkeye walks up to the building and rattles off the names of a few medications.
Hawkeye: Sodio amoxicilic! Phenobarb and arcephenomene! [Frank walks out of the building] My god, it worked!
- In the Finale, the four words you'd never, in a million years, think you would hear out of Klinger's mouth: I'm staying in Korea.
- Watching Frank's wedding movie, with added commentary supplied by Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry.
Henry: Boy, they sure did invite a lot of empty chairs.
- From "Adam's Ribs", discussing Klinger's uncle who lives in Chicago.
Hawkeye: Does he like you? Would he do you a favor?
Klinger: You kidding? He'd kill for me! He'd kill for you! For $100 he'd kill for anybody!
Hawkeye: Would your uncle pick up a package for me?
Klinger: Sure, for a price!
Hawkeye: He doesn't have to kill the package!