- In "Of Moose and Men", Frank goes into a dither because a local buried something, thinking it was a mine or a bomb. When it's dug up, BJ and Kawkeye snark that Frank was excited over a kimchi potnote .
B.J.: I'd get title to this land, Major. Before word gets out.
Hawkeye: Don't you understand, man? You've struck cole slaw!
- In "Deal Me Out", Hawkeye and Trapper, who are showering, make wisecracks about Radar's appearance and height. Radar says, "That's okay, I can take a joke"... then swipes their robes and leaves.
Hawkeye: HEY! Where're you going? I was kidding, you're beautiful!
- Also from "Deal Me Out", Hawkeye asks Sidney what the psychological basis for gambling is.
Hawkeye: Thank you, doctor.
Sidney: I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call.
- At one point, Klinger brings the group sandwiches, including "something brown that just lays there." Later in the evening:
Hawkeye: Hold it! Everybody freeze!
Sidney: What's the matter?
: One of the sandwiches just moved.
- Even better, everyone stops to look at the sandwiches suspiciously.
- Sidney trying to talk down a distraught patient who has Burns at gunpoint.
Henry: Maybe we should call Father Mulcahy.
Hawkeye: Yeah. He could give the truth last rites.
- In "Chief Surgeon Who?":
- Frank gets uppity when Henry names Hawkeye chief surgeon:
Frank: What? You can't do that! I won't stand for it!
Henry: Frank, if there's one thing that won't get you anywhere it's imitating my wife.
- Later on, Frank and Margaret get General Barker to come to the camp, hoping to get Hawkeye replaced by Frank as chief surgeon. Hawkeye proves that he is capable, first by delaying a surgery until the patient has been given some blood so that he won't die during the operation, then by spotting a perforation in the lung that everyone else missed by some telltale bubbles.
Gen. Barker: I'm impressed.
Hawkeye: So am I!
- After Hawkeye proves that he might be a nut, but he's also a highly capable surgeon, General Barker admits that he does have what it takes to be Chief Surgeon. Henry points out that Frank won't let it go.
Gen. Barker: May I make a suggestion about Major Burns?
Col. Blake: Yes sir.
Gen. Barker: Give him a high colonic and send him on a ten-mile hike.
Trapper: With full pack.
Gen. Barker: Good touch.
- Radar and Henry's shower antics during "The Sniper" ...including a very brief, inadvertent glimpse of Radar's bare butt, a first on U.S. network television.
- Also, Radar's snack break in the mess tent at night, later on...during the siege... (almost getting himself killed by Hawkeye and Frank in the process....all for a crappy 'ketchup on rye')
Radar: (to Henry) I have this peculiar metabolism. If I don't eat regularly, everything solid in my body turns to liquid. My shoes are full of water.
- In "Officer of the Day", during Hawkeye dealing with the second Kim Luck of the day:
Hawkeye: Can you identify yourself?
Kim Luck: This is me!
Hawkeye: Well, I guess you wouldn't kid me about a thing like that.
- Later on, another person presents the same card.
Hawkeye: Boy, this card is getting a workout today.
- From "Welcome to Korea", Hawkeye bluffs his way past an MP checkpoint by pretending Radar has "neuropraxia," an apparently very contagious condition that would cause him to foam at the mouth and try to bite his nose. The MP asks Hawkeye if he's afraid of catching it.
Hawkeye: [leans right into the MP's face] I can only carry the germ.
- From the second part of the episode, the voice-over recap mentions how they started on their way back to camp.
Narrator: Their jeep stolen, they naturally stole one belonging to a general!
- Later on, they get a flat tire, and then come under fire from a guerrilla band. Radar tries to go back for the jack.
Radar: This is a general's jack!
: Salute it and get in!
- Even funnier: Radar actully salutes the jack and then throws it on the ground.
- "Fade Out, Fade In" provides a hilarious farewell for the (absent) Frank Burns and an equally hilarious welcome for Charles Winchester.
- Pretty much any of the 'two-man routines' between BJ Hunnicutt and Hawkeye Pierce:
BJ: [to Hawkeye] Your gun, sir.
Potter: Is it loaded?
BJ: I filled it with water myself.
Hawkeye: Look out everyone, I shoot to drown!
- In the aforementioned episode, Hawkeye has two other bits involving serious wordplay to show how much he detests guns.
- "Officer of the Day" features another rant along similar lines:
Hawkeye: I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll care a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, Carry Me Home to Old Virginia! I'll even hari-kari if you show me how! But I will not carry a gun!
- And then later, in "Hawkeye Get Your Gun":
Hawkeye: I'll clean their wounds, heal their wounds, bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds!
- Even later in the episode, where Potter and Hawkeye seek refuge from enemy fire in a foxhole and Potter hands Hawkeye a gun:
Potter: Fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: All right. (to the gun) You're fired.
- Not gun-related, but still another rant, from the series finale:
Hawkeye: I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the "A" train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take five.
- The entirety of "Movie Tonight".
- Every scene with Col. Flagg.
: You think you're smart. But you're not. You're dumb. Very dumb. And you've met your match in me.
Flagg, let's not cause any more casualties. Flagg:
What's war without casualties? BJ: Peace? Flagg:
If it wasn't for war, you wouldn't know what peace was! BJ:
(to Hawkeye) He has a point. Hawkeye:
Yeah, it's under his hat.
Trapper: You coulda killed yourself!
Flagg: If I have to.
Hawkeye: If we had more men like you, we'd have less men like you.
- From "Dear Peggy," the contents of Peg's first overseas package includes generally regular stuff, and then...
Hawkeye: [looking into the box] Chocolate jockey shorts?
BJ: [laughing] The Hershey bars melted on them!
- Father Mulcahy's temperance lecture...while drunk.
- From "No Sweat", Col. Potter's sleep-medication-induced rambling anecdote about prickly heat... over the PA system while Margaret, who has that condition and wants to keep quiet about it, is trying to explain the situation delicately. What she didn't know is that Klinger has finally reassembled and reactivated the PA system after needlessly dismantling it for practice. When she finally hears the rest of the camp laughing and realizes why:
Houlihan: Wait a minute, is this stupid PA on? Klinger, you idiot!!
Klinger: Major, no! It took me 3 hours to fix this thing- (SMASH)
- With the ultimate follow-up: the next morning, Potter - who has no idea that he did anything last night but take a sleeping pill and go to sleep, walks into the mess tent where Margaret, who is still unable to sit down, is waiting.
- "Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde":
- Hawkeye stays awake for three days straight, and becomes so sleep-deprived that he stumbles into a lecture by Frank and asks him why the war is happening ("Is it something we said? Something we didn't say?"). Frank replies that the North Koreans envy the American way of life, and half of them have never even seen a bathroom; Hawkeye concludes that the war might end if the North Koreans had indoor plumbing, and concocts (and partly carries out) a plan to ship the latrine (and the visiting general inside it) to the North Koreans to end the war.
- Most of the plans for getting Hawkeye to sleep are humorous as well, especially the attempt to inject him with a sedative (they got the wrong rump and knocked out Frank instead).
- Any time Colonel Blake attempted to give a lecture involving cardboard cutouts of male and female labelled A and B.
Trapper: What happens in the event that figure 'A' is attracted to figure 'B' and wants to get married, but figure 'A' is already married to figure 'C' and figure 'B' is engaged to figure 'D' but figure 'A' can't keep his hands off figure 'B' because she's got such a great figure?
Radar: Sir, do you suppose that sometime you could give us a talk about VD?
- Hawkeye delivering a eulogy for the title character at the end of "Tuttle". The look of horror on his face when Henry suddenly asks him to deliver the eulogy is hilarious, but then Hawkeye manages to pull it off.
- "98 degrees plus 98 degrees equals 196 degrees."
- In "Bottoms Up", BJ pulls a prank on Hawkeye and Charles that involves Charles frequently getting pantsed and Hawkeye getting the blame and almost turned into a camp pariah. When Hawkeye and Charles figure out what BJ is up to they fire back in grand style: they strip BJ while he's asleep, stick him and his cot in the nurses' tent and nail his blanket to the cot so that he can't use it to cover up. Then they fake an announcement of incoming wounded to ensure that BJ comes outside, where Hawkeye and Charles are lying in wait with an audience of nurses and enlisted, and a camera to capture it all for posterity.
- After being told by Klinger for the umpteenth time that I-CORPS won't replace her broken footlocker because it wasn't damaged in combat, Margaret calmly borrows Winchester's hunting rifle, walks inside her tent and then shoots said footlocker.
Margaret: There I was, alone in my tent! Suddenly, a sniper leaped out at me, and fired two shots! Bang! Bang! Without hesitation, my valiant foot locker threw itself into the direct line of fire, giving its life that I might live!
- In the same episode, Hawkeye and B.J. are arguing about who can tell jokes the best. Beleaguered Assistant Klinger snipes this winner at them:
Klinger: I'm writing my Uncle Abdul about what it's like over here-doctors, nurses, saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties. And a snooty major who pays me twenty bucks to go out into the woods with him and watch him blow up a pigeon with a land mine. And if that doesn't beat all, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you guys do is tell jokes. What the hell's so funny about that?
- In a fifth season episode, Klinger sits down and starts pouring what appears to be gasoline over himself, in preparation of setting himself on fire, in another attempt to get a Section 8. Colonel Potter calls Klinger into his office to try to talk him out of it, takes a curious sniff, and whispers something to Radar behind Klinger's back. A minute later, Klinger rejects Potter's offer and storms back out to resume pouring the "gasoline" over himself. At the first splash, Klinger spits out the real gasoline, then yells "Who put gasoline in my gasoline?!?" He gets up and runs into a nearby shower tent. A nurse runs out, screaming and covering herself with a towel.
- Col. Henry Blake unknowingly giving a discharge to a sheep.
Henry (upon finding out): Private Charles Lamb?
- Earlier than that, when the sheep has disappeared but he doesn't yet know how.
Henry: Everything in this country disappears except me. Boy, what I wouldn't give to wake up one morning, look down, and find myself gone.
- "The General Flipped at Dawn". Eccentric, racist General Steele, played by Harry Morgan, the same actor who later plays Col. Potter.
- Already chafing from Steele's orders that the 4077th will participate in daily calisthenics and only wear uniforms conforming to military regulations, the staff are alarmed when Steele decides to pay a weeklong visit to the camp. Henry decrees that Klinger, in particular, is not allowed to wear dresses or skirts while Steele is visiting; Klinger being Klinger, he defies the order in the hopes of getting a Section 8. As Steele carries out his initial inspection of the troops, Henry and Radar watch in horror as Klinger, dressed in full drag complete with stockings and garters, walks toward the general... and gets the last reaction any of them expected:
[Klinger strides up to General Steele and salutes him proudly]
General Steele: Not now, Marjorie, I'm inspecting the troops! [walks off, leaving a thoroughly confused Klinger lost for words]
- The exchange that ultimately leads to his being Kicked Upstairs is just too much, wrapped into something so simple:
[Hawkeye has refused to call back an evac chopper that is carrying a patient to Seoul so that Steele can use it to observe the camp's unnecessary move closer to the front]
General Steele: You're insubordinate!
General Steele: You're insolent!
Hawkeye: Right! And you're nuts!
- General Steele's breaking out singing "Mississippi Mud" during what is supposed to be Hawkeye's court-martial will bring a tear to your eye.
- "We will now leave one by one in order of departure."
- In the Season 4 episode "The Gun", Radar is blamed for the loss of a colonel's personal revolver (actually stolen by Frank Burns). Radar eventually gets drunk and confronts the colonel; at the same time Frank tries to return the gun...and shoots himself in the foot.
- The stunned look on his face really sells it.
- "YOU TELL 'EM, FERRET FACE!"
- "Mail Call... Again" reveals (via home video) the face of Radar's mother... who looks astonishingly like a Radar in drag.
- Klinger's (fake) letters from his family. Especially the scene in which Henry Blake reads from an extensive group of letters requesting that he be given a discharge because various people are dying or pregnant. In the last, half the family was dying, the other half was pregnant.
: Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself? Klinger
: Yes, sir. [beat]
I don't deserve
to be in the army.
- In "To Market, to Market", Hawkeye and Trapper promise Henry's new antique solid oak desk to black market dealer Charlie Lee in exchange for much-needed medical supplies - without consulting Henry first. In the episode's climax, Henry has discovered the theft and watches dumbfounded as a helicopter carries it away, and Hawkeye and Trapper join him:
Hawkeye: Pardon me, Henry, isn't that your desk?
Henry: [still not quite taking in what he is seeing] Yeah, that's my genuine antique desk.
Trapper: Sending it out to be waxed?
Henry: I'm not sure what it's doing up there. Just keeps going up, and up...
Hawkeye: To a far, far better place I'm sure.
- Throughout the episode "Dear Sigmund", pranks have been played on just about everyone by BJ Hunnicutt. At one point, Sidney the psychiatrist exits the tent to find Frank digging an air raid shelter to hide in, just in case. Towards the end of the episode, Sidney comes outside to find BJ whistling as he fills the shelter with water. He asks if Sidney wants to help, and tells him to shout 'air raid' as loud as he can. He does so, and Frank runs out of the tent in his long underwear and dives for the hole. Hilarity Ensues.
- The exchanges between Col. Potter and Maj. Winchester when they are quarantined with each other after catching the mumps in the episode, "Heal Thy Self".
- Col. Potter throwing Maj. Winchester's Caruso record out, shattering it on the side of an ambulance.
- Hawkeye and B.J.'s B.O. vs Charles' French horn in the episode, "The Smell of Music".
- The bathtub saga in "None Like It Hot" has several.
- During "The Bus", the four surgeons plus Radar get stuck out in the wilderness with a broken-down bus. Burns takes a screwdriver from a North Korean soldier who surrendered to them and accuses the POW of sabotage (he actually was fixing their broken-down bus). Burns is holding the screwdriver, and...
BJ: (gently pushes the screwdriver down) Careful, that could be loaded.
- The entire episode of "Joker is Wild". After accepting a dare from Hawkeye, who had been unfavorably comparing BJ's pranking ability to his old friend Trapper's earlier, BJ proceeds to play an elaborate prank on him. It at first seems BJ is pranking everyone else in a rampant gag spree with a snake in Charles' bed, shaving cream in Potter's toothpaste, cutting the seat out of Margaret's bathrobe, liberally spicing Father Mulcahy's food, and rigging Klinger's desk to explode. However, the others are actually in on it the entire time. Hawkeye was the ONLY target. By the end of the day, Hawkeye is so paranoid he ends up surrounding his cot with barbed wire fencing and keeping a golf club at the ready, refusing to sleep. His expression when the The Reveal happens is priceless. Doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
- When Margaret needs a pregnancy test, Radar allows his rabbit to be used, provided the doctors not kill it. Hawkeye and Margaret manage to perform surgery on a rabbit despite having no experience or idea of what they're doing. Margaret thanks him afterward, and Radar says, "That's all right, Major. You'd've done the same for her."
- From "As You Were", Hawkeye and Trapper sitting in the Swamp wearing gorilla costumes, acting nonchalant. Even better is when Frank reluctantly asks for the pair to operate on his hernia, Hawkeye replies that he needs to consult with his colleague. The two begin hopping around, making gorilla noises, until Hawkeye turns to Frank, drapes his arm over Trapper's shoulder and says that "We'll do it—me and the missus." Bonus points for Trapper moving into the "Thinker" pose.
- This conversation from "Operation Noselift", after Radar has seemingly had his nose broken and needs a visiting plastic surgeon to operate on it (a cover for said surgeon performing a purely cosmetic nosejob on a self-conscious private):
Frank: [walks into office] What are you doing here!?
Radar: I was drafted, sir.
Frank: [pushes Radar's nose] Your nose is supposed to be broken.
Radar: Uh, yes, well, Dr. Pierce said it was just a sprain and if I keep off it for a month, I'll only have to put liquids in it.
Frank: I'm a doctor, and that's crazy!
Radar: [smirking] I've heard that, sir.
Frank: I have bigger fish to catch than you. [starts to leave]
Radar: Uh, uh, Major, telephone. It's your wife. Your anniversary call.
Frank: [confused] But that was last month!
Radar: I just got through! [hands Frank the phone, then sneaks out]
Frank: Louise? Yes, it's me, darling. How are you, sweetheart? [Margaret enters behind him] Oh, gosh, it's good to talk to you, honey.
Margaret: [slams the door in a rage] WHO THE HELL IS THAT!?
Frank: [covers phone, angrily] It's my WIFE! [into phone] What? Oh, uh, Major Houlihan just came in. [forced laugh] Hi, Jim!
- Hawkeye upon learning about the (false) ceasefire from General Clayton.
Hawkeye: General Clayton, this is Benjamin Franklin Pierce, look I realize you're a general and I'm just a captain but I want to have your baby.
- One episode has Hawkeye, Trapper and Frank off to pick up some wounded that are being returned to them. They are warned that they are not to bring weapons, at the risk of losing the wounded in question to prisoner camps. Frank, being Frank, sneaks along a small handgun, giving himself away when he goes for it in response to a misunderstood gesture. The man in charge of returning their wounded is royally pissed off at this breach of contract and demands that Frank produce the weapon. When he does...
[laughing incredulously] What the hell is that!?
- The gun is so hilariously tiny that Hawkeye is right in deeming it as something that would have come out of a box of Cracker Jacks. For reference, Frank holds the gun up with two fingers.
- "Hey Doc": Potter gets a tank sent to the 4077th to scare away a sniper. Frank brags to Maj. Houlihan how well he can drive said tank and decides to take it for a spin. He does not do well. At all. The tank goes bonkers and drives through half the camp (literally), including flattening the Swamp (sending BJ combat-rolling out the back through the mosquito netting and running for it), the rampage finally culminating in Potter parking a jeep in front of the tank and ordering Burns (who has no idea how) to stop. He gets out of the way, but the jeep does not. As the flattened jeep's horn continues blaring, Potter draws his pistol and shoots it to put it out of its "misery" like you would a horse.
- Bonus points: Potter is former Army cavalry and earlier in the episode, he refers to tanks as "Today's Cavalry". It's the punchline to one episode long horse joke.
- Even better: It's probably a reference to one of the famous Bill Mauldin's WW2 cartoons, where an old cavalry Sergeant tearfully shoots a broken down jeep.
- In the episode "I Hate a Mystery", Henry is turning the Swamp upside down looking for stolen property. Turning up nothing, he comes to the stove and accusingly asks Hawkeye and Trapper what's in the stovepipe, to which Trapper deadpans, "Soot, sir." Not believing him, Henry disassembles the pipe and looks into it—getting a face full of soot. It's a pretty standard slapstick cliche, but what makes it funny is Hawkeye's reaction, laughing so long and hard it's impossible not laugh with him. Radar is also obviously trying not to laugh, and even McLean Stevenson (who plays Henry) is corpsing a bit himself.
- Hawkeye and Margaret's kiss in "Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen" that goes on...and on...and on, while Potter, BJ and Charles stand awkwardly and try to look anywhere else. Colonel Potter's reaction in particular is hilarious.
- Klinger to a little Korean girl in camp in "The Abduction of Major Houlihan":
Klinger: This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.
- In "Crisis", set during a cold snap while supplies are running low, people are stealing from Henry's office in order to keep fires burning, including slowly dismantling his desk over the course of the episode.
Henry: Radar, am I getting taller or is the room shrinking?
Radar: Well, somebody cut the legs off, sir.
Henry: Aw, that's dirty pool.
Radar: Well, they'll burn anything to keep warm, sir.
Henry: I know! But to cut off a man's legs, and steal his drawers!
- And at the end of the episode, he's sitting in the middle of his now-empty office, trying to request new...well, new everything, as they were forced to burn everything "that didn't move or salute." For reference, the only three things inside Henry's office besides Henry himself are the phone, the skeleton hanging in the corner that presumably couldn't be burned, and a jerry can that Henry is using as a seat.
Henry: [on the phone] I'm sitting here talking to you from inside a real big empty!
- BJ's introduction to Frank Burns. Especially since Frank had just been saying he was going to mold the new surgeon in his own image. Unfortunately Hawkeye got there first.
BJ: What say you, ferret-face? (falls down laughing in drunken stupor)
- The escalating prank war between Margaret and BJ and Hawkeye in "An Eye for a Tooth", orchestrated behind the scenes by Charles who is playing both sides.
- In "Potter's Retirement", a mole is sending reports to the Inspector General about Col. Potter and he's debating retiring as a result. Hawkeye and BJ confront Charles, assuming that with his grudge against Potter he'd be a logical informant. Charles's response is as always, erudite and hilarious.
: There are no informers in my family! Winchesters
do not spy! [beat]
We do on occasion hire
- The staff's reaction to Klinger's redecorated room. Klinger brings Hawkeye and Margaret into the office where Potter, Charles, and BJ are waiting, and the two react with Stunned Silence...until BJ, obviously trying to avoid laughing, lifts up a massive conch shell that he found in the room. Then everyone loses it.
- "Bottle Fatigue". Hawkeye tries to quit drinking temporarily after seeing just how much alcohol he's been consuming. The first morning, he comes in singing loudly while BJ and Charles are hung over and trying to sleep. Charles's reaction is priceless.
Charles: Pierce, you remind me of a dog I once had. He too was cheerful in the mornings, so I gave him to a family of immigrant Japanese and they ate him.
- Klinger's voodoo.
: (jumps out from behind a corner, shaking what looks like flour at Col. Potter and Radar)
Um-dallah! Moo-goo-gai-pan! Hear me, oh spirits of darkness! [beat] [points at Col. Potter]
That's the guy.
- In one episode, Col. Potter and Hawkeye have to instruct Fr. Mulcahy, over the radio, in how to perform an emergency tracheotomy. The Fr. succeeds and signs off over the radio.
Potter: Well, what do you think?
Hawkeye: I think I'm an idiot. I came all the way to Korea to do surgery when I could have stayed at home and phoned it in.
- When Frank learns that Margaret has been collecting all the love letters he sends her, he tears her tent apart (even using a knife to rip apart boards she was using as a wall) searching for them. He eventually falls asleep on the floor, where she finds him after she finishes her night shift. When she confronts him, he sheepishly asks "Have you got a pencil?" and blames all the damage on him trying to find one to leave her a note.
- Hawkeye starting a riot in the mess tent after being offered fish or liver for lunch in "Adam's Ribs".
Hawkeye: I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver that I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!
- And after Hawkeye gets everyone chanting 'We want something else! We want something else!', the shot switches to Radar chanting along, but eating the crappy mess tent food anyway.
- Radar even swipes Klinger's food. Klinger, himself is also hilarious.
- Later that night, Hawkeye snaps and decides to place an order. Klinger, on guard duty, stops him.
Klinger: Halt! What's the password?
Hawkeye: [not slowing down] Out of my way or I'll split your head open.
Klinger: [looking as Hawkeye passes by] Close enough!
- He wakes up Radar, has him call Chicago to place the order.
Hawkeye: Chicago. Hog butcher for the world. Tool maker. Stacker of wheat. Player with railroads and the nation's freight handler. Stormy, husky, brawling, city of the big shoulders. Sandberg knew, Radar! Spareribber for the universe! Maker of meat on a bone! Inventor of the pigsicle! Give me your tired, your poor, your coleslaw!
- Then, after he manages to a) call halfway across the world, b) bluff an operator into getting him properly connected by pretending to be a reporter, and c) actually get the restaurant on the line...
- "Communication Breakdown": Charles offends the rest of the camp over an allegedly stolen newspaper. An anonymous prankster or pranksters then proceeds to steal first Charles' bathrobe while he's in the shower then later all of his clothes and belongings. Charles ties the main support pole of the Mess Tent to a Jeep with the intent of bringing it down on top of everyone inside but he's stopped at the last minute by Potter, who sets Charles straight about what really happened to his missing paper. Potter then proceeds to grab Charles by the ear like a naughty child and drag him to the office, and forces him to get on the P.A. system to make a public apology.
- In the episode where Hawkeye is temporarily blinded by a stove exploding in his face, Frank comes into the tent where Hawkeye is sitting whistling. It's easy to miss, but the tune Frank is whistling? Three Blind Mice.
- Many of Hawkeye's one-liners, like this one from "Yankee Doodle Doctor" used as a rebuttal to Frank's usual show of disgust.
Frank Burns: Why you...you...!
Hawkeye: Who you calling a you-you?
- Klinger's attempt to desert the camp by hang-gliding out of it... in aviator goggles, a blue housecoat and pink fuzzy slippers. The Special Effects Failure only makes it that much more funny. The reactions of Hawkeye and Trapper add to it.
(Hawkeye is making time with a nurse, when...) Hawkeye
: Did you see that? Nurse
: What? Hawkeye
: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet. (Trapper runs up with another nurse) Trapper
: Hawkeye, did you see that? Hawkeye
: What did you see? Trapper
: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet. Hawkeye
: [to the nurse] See? (Back at the trial...) Henry
: He was found several miles from the camp, unconscious and looking like a big red bird with fuzzy pink feet
- Hawkeye and Trapper walk in on Margaret with Frank in her tent, massaging his neck with an electric device:
- Another one-liner from "The Yalu Brick Road" when Hawkeye and BJ return to camp with a North Korean soldier who surrenders to every person he comes across.
BJ: Don't you understand the international symbol for touchdown?!
- Hawkeye breaks up an argument between a Turkish patient and his commanding officer, who is convinced the man shot himself in the foot in order to get taken off the front lines (surprisingly, the soldier didn't shoot himself, which is a switch from when it normally comes up). When the argument escalates, the officer pulls out his pistol and is preparing to shoot the patient then and there for cowardice. Hawkeye and Winchester hustle the officer out of the tent, we hear a struggle and a shot. After a tense pause, Hawkeye and Winchester carry the limping officer back into the tent, saying, "Now, see, that's what a self-inflicted gunshot wound looks like..."
- "Change of Command", where Frank throws a childish and childlike temper tantrum upon learning that he's being relieved of duty as commanding officer for the soon-to-arrive Colonel Potter — complete with feet stamping, fists pounding, crying out "IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S MY MASH! MINE!!! and even holding his breath! Later still, Frank "runs away from home," as Hawkeye puts it. And even later again, when Frank returns and reports himself to Potter the next morning, the look on his face when Potter compliments Klinger's Shirley Temple ensemble is priceless.
- Potter's reaction to Klinger's first try to 'prove' he's deserving of a Section 8, and Potter bluntly saying that Klinger's antics are far from new, or that imaginative.
Potter: Horse hockey! I've seen these dodges for 40 years, all the tricks. Knew a private, pretended he was a mare. Carried a colt in his arm for weeks. Another fellow said he was a daisy. Insisted we water him every morning. No, no, Corporal. It ain't gonna go with me. Now you get out of that froufrou and into a uniform. And you stay in uniform. Dismissed!
- After Charles has enough of cleaning up after Hawkeye and BJ, he goes full slob. Eventually, they get sick of the mess and start cleaning. Hawkeye is holding a magazine/dustpan while BJ sweeps dirt onto it when Charles comes in and throws a piece of trash on the floor. Hawkeye then deposits the contents in Charles' bunk. This begins a long sequence of each side destroying or dirtying the other's stuff. They do this so calmly, not saying a word or trying to stop each other, or even reacting much at all other than to take turns performing more and more outlandish acts of destruction as an audience gathers to watch. The best moment is when Charles takes Hawkeye's mattress and launches it through the wall of the tent.
- When Klinger goes to get Potter, the old man's only reaction?
Potter: I think that bunk would look better on top of Winchester's desk.
Klinger: ...Is that all, sir?
Potter: No, one more thing. [eyes the feathers lying around the room from when Hawkeye and BJ ripped open Charles' pillow] Order a new pillow.
- Henry's dazed reaction when a jeep is sent into his tent in "Cowboy." "Jeep, boom, through, kill."
- And after the latrine he was in was blown up, all he could manage was "Boom!"
- Henry telling Radar about his experiences with the Illinois football team in "The Army-Navy Game".
Henry: Two minutes to go. Crazy Wilensky – great quarterback, only weighed 120 pounds. Got arrested the next year for punching a milk horse. Anyway, Crazy snaps one off, throws a bomb to Tanker Washington. Old Tank runs it down to the Ohio State one-foot line. One foot! Can you imagine?
Radar: 12 inches.
Henry: Not 12 inches, one foot! Anyway, Tanker twisted his ankle. So, quick as a flash, thousands of eyes on me, I run across that field and tape that leg good and tight, then run off. 30 seconds to go. The ball snapped to Crazy. Crazy fakes a hand-off to Butcher Palasco, and then gives it off to Tanker. And Tanker starts off and hits the ground screaming, his face twisted with pain.
Henry: No. I taped the wrong leg.
Radar: Oh. [long pause] Was he mad?
Henry: To this day, once a year, Tank Washington comes to my house and shoots out the porch light. [sighs] And he's a judge now.
- Radar sees that Potter is wearing a pair of silky, hot magenta-colored boxer shorts, that he seems really proud of.
Potter: Before you say anything, Mrs. Potter made these for me. Now what do you think of 'em?
Radar: Thanks for the warning, sir.
Potter: Would you like her to send you a pair?
Radar: Ugh... could she make the same thing in white?
Potter: It's a rare treat to share your underwear with a friend.
Radar: Sure, sir.
- From the Grand Finale, Klinger leading up to his proposal to Soon-Lee:
Klinger: Remember when I told you that I used to wear dresses to try and get out of the Army?
Klinger: Well, I saved a couple of 'em, I brought one over.
Soon-Lee: Oh, good, I always wanted to see you in one!
- The episode "Five O'clock Charlie" in its entirety. Just the fact that only Burns and Houlihan actually take Charlie seriously, to the point one of the generals they want to complain about is overheard placing bets on Charlie's ineptitude.
- From "Inga", a Swedish doctor comes to the unit. Hawkeye tries to score with her, using some of Charles's music to set the mood.
Hawkeye: All he's got is drums and cannons! I want her to melt, not keel over!
BJ: Try the Ariosa, by Bach. Peg and I like to put it on at bedtime.
Hawkeye: Does that really work?
BJ: Have you seen my baby pictures?
- This little exchange from season 5's "The Colonel's Horse", in response to Hawkeye and BJ complaining about having to put up with Frank Burns as acting Commanding Officer whilst Colonel Potter is in Tokyo:
BJ: Can't you do something?
Potter: Like sit him down, have a talk with him?
Hawkeye: No, like stand him up and have him shot.
Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.
- Potter gets a little snarky when Hawkeye rubs him the wrong way:
Potter: (chuckling) You know, Pierce, sometimes you can be very funny. (suddenly deadpan) And then there's now.
- In the Season 8 episode "April Fools", pranks abound.
- BJ distributes goodies sent by Peg from home: brownies for Hawkeye, fruit cocktail for Potter, and pralines for Charles - or so he is led to believe, as he finds only a spring-loaded boa inside the can. Potter is angry at the two captains for pulling such an immature stunt, but Charles takes it in stride:
Charles: [looking glumly inside the can] The true cruelty of this lame gesture is that there are no pralines!
- Margaret squawks offscreen, and Hawkeye and BJ look at each other questioningly, until Margaret barges into their section of the scrub room.
Margaret: Alright, who left the dead minnows in my pocket?
Charles: [indignantly] They were alive when I put them there, you've killed them!
- At the end of the scene, Potter walk out of the scrub room, claiming he's above the jokes and he's Seen It All. He turns to leave...revealing someone has attached a tail to the hem of his shirt with a surgical clamp.
- It's not just the surgeons who are targeted by pranks. Father Mulcahy, blood boiling, storms into Klinger's office wearing the sort of dress the company clerk wore in the early seasons:
Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here! Potter: [smirking]
Good morning, Padre. Or should I say "Padress"? Mulcahy:
Colonel, there's no humour in this! While I was showering, somebody stole my robe and left me this, this house frock! Klinger:
Better not take it off, Father, you'll be a defrocked priest! Mulcahy: [Death Glare]
Klinger, how would you like to get the last rites and a few lefts? [holds up his fist] Potter:
Holster thy knuckles, Padre. This, too, shall pass. Mulcahy:
It better. [he exits the office to a chorus of wolf-whistles]
OH, SHUT UP!
- The prank wars escalate over the first act of the episode: Margaret gets all three Swampmen, putting oatmeal in Hawkeye's boot, spiking BJ's mouthwash with Tabasco, and writing "KILROY" on Charles' bald head as he sleeps (though only the first is shown on screen). They decide to get revenge by stealing the canvas of her tent, leaving only the frame, and hiding a skeleton in Hawkeye's bed when she storms over to the Swamp to confront them.
Margaret: [attacking the Swampmen, who are still roaring with laughter, with a pillow] Where is my tent!?
Hawkeye: We pitched it somewhere!
Margaret: You crumbs! You crumbs! Where is my tent?!
BJ: We gave it to a dog, now it's a pup tent!
- In one episode, some locals set up a good-luck totem in the camp, but are forced to take it down. Bad things start happening to the camp, culminating in one of the locals getting injured. The man refuses to be operated on until the OR is exorcised, so Hawkeye walks up to the building and rattles off the names of a few medications.
Hawkeye: Sodium amoxicilic! Phenobarb and arcephenomene! [Frank walks out of the building] My god, it worked!
- In the Finale, the four words you'd never, in a million years, think you would hear out of Klinger's mouth: "I'm staying in Korea."
- Watching Frank's wedding movie, with added MST3K-style commentary supplied by Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry.
Hawkeye: I've invited you all here today because I'm ready to name the murderer.
Henry: It must be [his wedding], I don't see a casket.
Trapper: Boy, they sure did invite a lot of empty chairs.
- From "Adam's Ribs", discussing Klinger's uncle who lives in Chicago.
Hawkeye: Does he like you? Would he do you a favor?
Klinger: You kidding? He'd kill for me! He'd kill for you! For $100 he'd kill for anybody!
Hawkeye: Would your uncle pick up a package for me?
Klinger: Sure, for a price!
Hawkeye: He doesn't have to kill the package!
- Everyone passing Mulcahey's hat around for the "Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest" in "Movie Tonight".
Hawkeye: [high voice] My word, Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly.
Klinger: [high voice] How can you make jokes at a time like this?
Frank: [high voice] The post-op is collapsing and the O.R. is on fire.
Margaret: [high voice] And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine.
Radar: Sorry, Father. [high voice] It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis. He's the most remarkable shade of yellow.
Potter: [high voice] Jocularity! Jocularity!
- Bonus: all the impressions of Mulcahy sound like a drunk Mickey Mouse.
- One episode has Charles, Margaret, Father Mulcahy and Hawkeye finding Klinger asleep in the mess tent, face-first in his breakfast.
Hawkeye: Waiter, there's a clerk in these eggs!
Charles: I knew one day this food would claim a life!
- "Oh, How We Danced" has Hawkeye blackmailing an infantry commander who assaulted Winchester with an over-the-top impersonation on the phone, complete with an outrageous imitation of Winchester's accent and Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness. Among other things, he uses the word "sidacious", then heads off B.J. and Klinger's questioning looks by covering the receiver with his hand and admitting that he just made it up. To cap it all off, he demands "AN harmonica", leading B.J. and Klinger to look at each other and silently mouth those words. After he hangs up, he leaves with a spot-on imitation of Charles's Gentlemen...
- "Snappier Judgement" as Winchester prepares a legal defense for Klinger who is being court martialled for theft. They speak to Father Mulcahy who praises Klinger for getting a supplies of Bibles seemingly out of nowhere. It turns out the Bibles in question are from the Gideons, which are typical placed in hotels, which means Klinger likely stole the Bibles from several hotels. At this, Mulcahy can only roar in indignation:
Mulcahy: Klinger, Hot Bibles?!
- "Bug Out" has the unit trying to find a new site for the camp. Potter has Mulcahy bless the new site (apparently a customary measure) and then Burns tries to pass what he's saying along the line of jeeps and trucks. The Death Glare Potter gives him could melt steel. Then they find out what else is in the site. A bunch of women using the schoolhouse as a brothel. Frank doesn't get it.
Potter: The oldest profession.
Burns: [surprised] A bakery?
Burns: [excited] Tarts? Peach? Raspberry?
Hunnicutt: [clearly trying to not fall over laughing] Frank, it's a brothel.
Burns: A den of iniquity? Here? Permission to get a squad and evict them by force, Sir! [blows the whistle he's been using all episode]
Potter: [yanks the whistle out of his hands] CONFISCATED!
- As tense as the moment is, Hawkeye, Margaret and Radar running around like headless chickens is prime comedy. The Chinese are coming, so they rush to hide in one of the tents, all three trying to pass through the door at once... only to make it inside and notice the whole thing is an empty frame. With a door in it.
- Klinger gets word from his girlfriend that she wants to marry him.
: Klinger, has she seen you?
- "No Laughing Matter" involves a frustrated Hawkeye being told by BJ that he's insecure about life and needs to constantly make jokes. Stewing over it for a night, Hawkeye makes a bet that he can go one full day without riffing. Though we don't get to see the majority of Hawkeye's day during the bet, the finale where a visiting VIP is accused of trying to make advances of Maj. Houlihan has Hawkeye trying desperately to hold every joke he's wanted to make all day in.
- Hawkeye gets a letter from a nurse inviting him for a hot weekend in Tokyo. He's trying to get some gear together so he can go and wants to borrow BJ's pajamas.
Hawkeye: You had to have had some when you came here!
- In the episode in which Margaret has lost her engagement ring, Hawkeye and BJ get the bright idea to ask a traveling merchant with a lot of dubious gear to craft a replacement, after recognizing one of the rings he has as the exact same model. Not only does the merchant himself try and talk them out of buying the ring, as he regards it with clear shame, his reaction to Penobscot's "romantic" inscription is a heartfelt "Pee-yew!" and, to cap it all off, he tells them that he'll give it to them cheap because "Anybody willing to buy this crummy ring deserves a break!"
- Father Mulcahy spent a summer growing corn for the camp, and looked forward to eating it off the cob as part of their 4th of July celebration. When he sees the way camp cook Igor has prepared it, it's obvious he's trying not to explode with anger: "You...you CREAMED it! You—you— NINNY!!"
- Season Ten's "Sons and Bowlers" has this exchange toward the beginning about a baseball game the 4077th just lost:
Potter: (to Margaret) It's that skylark attitude of yours that got you thrown out at home plate!
Colonel, we lost 24-to-4
- In the final scene of "Commander Pierce", Potter has returned from a conference in Seoul after leaving Hawkeye in charge of the 4077th. After several days of trying and failing to get Hawkeye to give him a Section 8, Klinger tries his luck on the returning Potter, with worse than usual results:
Klinger: [strides into Potter's office carrying flowers and chocolates, all smiles] Colonel, I missed you!
Potter: [not even looking up from the papers he is signing] No.
Klinger: About my heart murmur, sir-
Klinger: My double vision's coming back-
Klinger: I've fallen in love with a goat-
Klinger: [dejected] Glad to have you back, sir. [takes the flowers and chocolates and leaves]
- Although it may have a Heartwarming conclusion, the B plot of "Say No More" in which Margaret gets laryngitis just before she is due to meet Steven Chesler, an ER doctor she greatly admires but whom Charles dismisses as a quack, is full of funny moments.
- Margaret walks into the mess tent for breakfast the day after giving herself a home permanent, to the admiration of many men present, but then gets a nasty surprise (besides the usual ones) when she walks up to the breakfast table:
[as Margaret enters the tent, several men wolf-whistle] Corpsman:
Good morning, Major Monroe! Igor: [fanning himself]
Hel-LO, Madame! It will be my great privilege to serve you breakfast! We just got a fresh shipment of Wheaties, how about a heaping bowlful? [holds up a bowl] Margaret: [smiles]
Well- [is shocked to hear her voice come out as a strangled rasp; she tries coughing to clear her throat]
Well- [no improvement; she coughs again, but it still doesn't help, and she grabs her throat]
Major, I feel the same way about the food here, but this is all we got. Margaret: [throws down her tray and shoots Igor a Death Glare]
Idiot!... [struggling to get the words out]
I need- um- I need a doc- [runs over to the table near the door, where Charles and Father Mulcahy are having breakfast] Mulcahy:
Good morning, Major! If you don't mind my saying so, hubba hubba! Margaret: [smiles politely at Mulcahy, then turns to Charles, who is pointedly ignoring her]
Muh... Muh... Char... [she pounds the table] Charles:
Ahh! Margaret! Can't you just say "good morning" as civilised people do!? [he turns back to his breakfast, but Margaret grabs his arm, then points at her throat and then over to the building housing the exam rooms while groaning]
It is not my idea of breakfast fun to play Charades. [turns back to his breakfast again; Margaret groans again and pounds the table] Mulcahy:
Uh, Doctor, I think you're being paged. [Margaret nods and points at her throat and the exam room again, still unable to get a coherent word out] Charles:
May I at least finish my Wheaties? [Margaret grabs Charles and drags him out of the mess tent]
Margaret!... What is wrong?...
- Charles examines Margaret and delivers an unwelcome diagnosis - and some even more unwelcome editorial comments:
Charles: [removes the reflector disc from his forehead after examining Margaret's throat] It would appear that last night's unfortunate meeting between your wet head and the chill air has resulted in a rather nasty case of laryngitis.
Margaret: [shoulders sag; speaking in a hoarse whisper] No!... The lecture...
Charles: Lecture?... ohh, that silly talk in Seoul by this quack you've been drooling over.
Margaret: Must go there.
Charles: So, go! Last I knew, the only thing you needed for a lecture were ears, yours look fine to me. [pushes her hair away from her ears]
Margaret: [angrily smacks Charles' hand away] No! I...
Margaret: Meeting Dr. Chesler after... personally.
Charles: [smirking] Really! I thought this was merely a medical sabbatical.
Margaret: [glares at Charles and punches his upper arm] It IS! [sighs] I've admired the doctor for years. Heard he was coming here. I wrote him.
Charles: Fan mail to a physician! [chuckles] That's cute!
Margaret: Never expected a reply. He wrote... saying how impressed he is with my ideas of triage. He wants to meet me. ME!
Charles: Well, well, well. It would appear that your current affliction wouldn't make any difference. Your starry-eyed admiration for the good doctor would have left you speechless anyway!
Margaret: [grabs Charles by the shoulders; through clenched teeth] Winchester, voice gone, fists fine. [holds one up to illustrate]
- When Chesler's plans change, Margaret is forced to recruit a still reluctant Charles to act as her voice for a phone conversation:
[Margaret is in her tent gargling] Klinger: [over PA]
Attention, Major Houlihan! You have a telephone call from a Dr. Steven Chesler in Seoul! [Margaret's eyes bulge and she quickly spits out the mouthwash]
Please hurry, I can't tie up the phone long! [Margaret quickly puts a coat on over her bathrobe; cut to the Swamp, where Charles is sleeping and BJ is grooming himself] BJ: [Margaret bursts through the door carrying a pad and pencil and hurries over to Charles' cot]
What a pleasant surprise, it's Harpo! Love your outfit. [Margaret hisses at Charles, trying to rouse him, but he is fast asleep]
Sometimes a grenade in his jammies does the trick! [Margaret writes on the pad and shakes Charles, holding the pad in front of his face] Charles: [finally wakes up]
Hmm? What do you want with me now? [cut to Klinger's office; Charles is on the phone as Margaret stands next to him]
Dr. Chesler! Well! This is indeed a... phone call.
I am Dr. Charles Emerson Winchester, perhaps you are familiar with my work?... [Margaret rolls her eyes]
Oh. Well, I'm in... [shoots Margaret an impatient look]
the Boston Yellow Pages.note
Ah, I'm speaking on behalf of Major Houlihan, who is here with me, but who is unfortunately suffering from a rather severe case of laryngitis. However... [Margaret puts the pad down on the desk in front of Charles]
she wanted me, er, to tell you, er, how much she's looking... foodward... Margaret:
No! [taps the pad] Charles:
Sorry, forward, to your lecture. Ah. She's always felt that you are the... [reads the pad again and gets a disgusted look; Margaret taps the pad again]
er... greatest surgeon... in the wood. [Margaret groans and points to the word again]
World! Sorry, in the world. ... Don't
... thank me, believe me, those are... her words. ... Oh, yes?... yes, I'll tell her. Just, just, just a moment. [puts the receiver against his shoulder]
Dr. Chesler has had to change his plans suddenly, he must return to the States immediately and he's been forced to cancel his lecture. Margaret: [groans]
NO!... Charles: However
... if you can be in Seoul by 11 tomorrow morning, he will be honoured to have a meeting with you at the hospital. [Margaret gets an excited look and nods; Charles speaks into the phone again]
She said that'll be fine. ... Right, she'll see you then. Ah! ... Oh, thank you! [grimaces as he hangs up the phone]
- Hawkeye singing "Goober Peas".
Hawkeye: [singing in deep, goofy fashion] Peas peas peas....eating goober's peas....oooOOOOOHhhhhh HOW DELICIOUS....
Margaret: WILL YOU STOP THAT!?
- Father Mulcahy convinces an MP to let him handle a situation with Klinger after the Corporal knocked out Major Burns.
MP: (relenting) I'm not even Catholic.
Mulcahy: (genuinely) Would you like to be?
- On one occasion, Winchester insists on coming along with Mulcahy to engage in some horse trading with individuals from the black market. After being The Load for the whole episode, they return to camp.
Mulcahy: Having the Major along was a real blessing. And God willing, I'll never be blessed with him again.
- Doubles as Heartwarming, but "The Kids", after a pregnant refugee has been shot and the doctors manage to save her and her child, Klinger offers to donate a particularly nice article of women's clothing from his collection to her. Potter and Margaret overhear this from the operating table, prompting this exchange:
Potter: I've got to get him that discharge.
- Also, during that episode, again doubling as Heartwarming, Mulcahy is offering up a prayer for the mother and child, and Klinger bows his head in prayer.
Mulcahy: Klinger, I thought you were an atheist.
Klinger: I gave it up for Lent.
- In "Dear Dad Three", a racist soldier asks Hawkeye to make sure he gets "the right color blood". Incensed, Hawkeye and Trapper use a tincture of iodine to slightly darken the soldier's skin while he's out. When the soldier comes to, he asks Klinger if he seems darker. Klinger, clearly in on it, says, "Are you sure they gave you the right color blood? This has happened before." But the real clincher comes when Ginger congratulates him on "Passing" for white. Then tells him that she's an officer, so he should "Watch his mouth".