Klinger's monologue in the pilot episode.
: If it pleases the court I'm a Korean Vet
, in fact I'm a Korean Vet
if it don't please the court, and things haven't been exactly how I thought they'd be when I was still over there before I came back here. I remember when the GIs came home after World War II
, that was like a hit war you know, people threw flowers. A GI'd just open his mouth and somebody'd put a kiss in it. I didn't expect a round the clock parading but didn't think everyone would go into hiding either. It's like the biggest secret of the Korean War
is that there was a Korean War
. You know what kills me? Nobody calls it that Police Action, Korean Conflict - take it from me, it was a war, it was dirty, it stunk. At least call it what it was.
Don't get me wrong, Your Honor, I'm no kinda hero, couldn't wait to get over there. First thing I did when I got my letter from my draft board, I tried to shoot my big toe off. I'd have done it, too, only my foot was too fast for me. I'd been a medic, a orderly, a clerk, and most of what they told me to do I couldn't unless I lied a little, stole a little. Somebody'd grab me and say "the ambulance is full Corporal, go get a truck." Only you ain't got a truck, so you run down the road and see a driver from some other outfit in the woods with a copy of Stars and Stripes and his pants are down and suddenly you got a truck. Gets you a laugh in the army, here that gets you two years.
Judge: Or three.
: Anyhow it's been no bowl of roses coming back, I married a wonderful girl overseas, wonderful but believe me Eva Braun
wouldn't get the kinda looks she gets over here. We'll be all right though. All I need is time, Your Honor, and not the kind of time you give out. I need to stop taking shortcuts. I gotta put the war, the conflict, whatever the hell they tell me I went through, behind me.
Judge: You think you can make that adjustment?
Klinger: I once picked up a heart with my bare hands that slipped out on the table during a operation. I used to have to throw away arms and legs that weren't even twenty yet. In between, I was sleeping on a two inch thick mattress full of three inch bugs and eating food that was prebarfed before we got it. Your Honor, if I can adjust to that...