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Characters: Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide
The characters in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide.

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The Main Trio

     Ned Bigby 
"But they all need my help, and I don't want to let them down!"
Devon Werkheiser

"Mr. Wiener's the one who told me to start a school journal after I got stuck in the girl's bathroom. Eventually, it became the Guide."

The Hero and a fairly nice average guy who gives people tips to survive school and often comes up with zany schemes to tackle his problems.

     Jennifer "Moze" Mosely 
"I'm not competitive, I just never like to lose."
Lindsey Shaw

"Whenever I give you advice - and it's great advice, created by the superior girl mind - you ignore it and go to Gordy for a man-plan!"

The sensible and snarky, as well as the aggressive, competitive and athletic, one of the main trio, who has the most common sense of the group and has never really been "one of the girls."

     Simon Nelson "Cookie" Cook 
"Why aren't I more popular? Look at me, I'm gorgeous."
Daniel Curtis Lee

"I'll handle this. First of all, I'm a technical whiz. Also, you guys are useless on Mondays."

The nerd of the group and a self-proclaimed cyborg who also gets caught up in wacky schemes, usually lacking even more in the common sense department than Ned.

  • Adorkable: Has his moments.
  • Beware the Nice Ones: When he lost his temper in Guide to: Dodgeball after Loomer's dodgeball damaged his videocamera helmet, he threw the dodgeball so hard it knocked Crony out. This, unfortunately, also allows Loomer to be able to turn him to the "dark side."
    Cookie: I'm sorry! I guess I just...lost my temper.
    Loomer: And how did it feel?
    Cookie: It felt...really good.
  • Black and Nerdy
  • Black Best Friend: To Ned and Moze.
  • Butt Monkey: Is subject to a lot of slapstick at his expense and his best friends frequently make fun of him (though it's generally good-natured teasing).
  • Cloud Cuckoo Lander
  • Corrupt the Cutie: A mild example in Guide to: Dodgeball, when Loomer convinces him to give in to his anger and join the "dark side" of the dodgeball court. He gets better, though.
    Ned: Cookie, you're on Loomer's team?!
    Cookie: *in a robotic voice thanks to his helmet* The power of the dark side is strong.
    • Nearly happened because of the influence of the Killer Bees in Guide to: Best Friends.
  • Chew Toy
  • The Chick
  • Ditzy Genius: He is incredibly smart (his grades are so high that, in seventh grade, his teachers recommended he skip eighth grade), but he is severely lacking in common sense.
  • Expy: Seems to be a reference to the infamous Steve Urkel.
  • Extraverted Nerd: He thinks he's God's gift to the ladies.
    Cookie: I was handsome before, but now with my braces off, I'm gorgeous.
  • Gadgeteer Genius: He's always coming up with one crazy invention or another, from his glasses that have an operating system, to his Cram-master, to his Maxoskeleton that he made for the science fair.
    Vice Principal Crubbs: *while being held hostage by Cookie's Tunnel Bot* Cook! I should have known this evil robot belonged to you!
  • High Hopes, Zero Talent: Regarding his wanting to be a cheerleader.
  • Hot-Blooded
  • In Touch with His Feminine Side: He likes braiding hair, desperately wants to be a cheerleader, loves girly books, likes getting his nails done, got so attached to the baby doll he and Ned had to take care of in life science class that he took it home for the holidays so that it wouldn't feel lonely, and has worn skirts more often than Moze (though this is in part because Moze hates skirts).
  • Large Ham: At times, but it is a kid's show and he is only marginally worse than the others.
  • Lovable Nerd
  • Mad Scientist: Has his moments.
  • Masculine Girl, Feminine Boy: Feminine Boy to Moze's Masculine Girl. (One of two)
  • The McCoy: To Moze's The Spock and Ned's The Kirk.
  • Nerd Glasses: Though he doesn't seem to need them to see, since he's been able to spend large parts of certain episodes without them with no adverse effects. He has them because they have an operating system inside, so he can use them as a computer.
  • Nice Guy
  • The Nicknamer: For one episode, "Guide to: Nicknames." He creates a nicknaming program that creates nicknames based on characteristics entered into it. Unfortunately, the nicknames the program creates are pretty hurtful...
  • Only Known by Their Nickname: The only people who call him Simon are Lisa Zemo and some of the teachers.
  • Purely Aesthetic Glasses: Played With. He doesn't actually need his glasses to see, but he has them for use as a computer, since he programmed an operating system in them.
  • Small Name, Big Ego
  • The Smart Guy: Though lacking in the common sense department, he is definitely very intelligent, having the highest grades in school and inventing many interesting gadgets. In terms of book-smarts, he is the smartest of the trio.
  • Smart People Wear Glasses
  • Teen Genius: He could have skipped the eighth grade, and usually has the best grades in all of Polk Middle School.
  • Token Minority Couple: His love interests were black (Vanessa), Hispanic (Lisa) and Asian (Evelyn).
  • Tritagonist

Recurring Characters

     Other Students 

Suzie Crabgrass

Christian Serratos
One of the most popular girls in school and the object of Ned's affection for the first two seasons and girlfriend in the third, as well as Moze's best friend who's a girl and volleyball co-captain.

Billy Loomer

Kyle Swann
The school bully who frequently targets Ned and has a crush on Moze. He dated Suzie for most of season 2.

Lisa Zemo

Rachel Sibner
A nerdy girl with a crush on Cookie that he generally ignored for seasons 1 and 2. Eventually had her braces removed and got contacts, getting the attention of a considerable amount of boys, including Cookie.

  • Abhorrent Admirer: To Cookie in the first two seasons.
  • Beautiful All Along: In season 3.
  • Gasshole: Only for one episode, where she burped the alphabet for a talent show and was seen practicing her burping beforehand.
  • Hollywood Nerd
  • Meganekko
  • Sickly Neurotic Geek: She started off with braces, Nerd Glasses, and a perpetually stuffy nose. Subverted, however, because a season or two later she comes back looking less nerdy and on a new allergy medication. One episode has her temporarily revert to this, as she had allergies again and had to wear hypoallergenic clothing and glasses. This time without the curly hair and braces, though.
  • Unrequited Love Switcheroo: With Cookie.

Seth Powers

Alex Black
A dumb basketball player and Moze's love interest in season 1 and 2.

  • Brainless Beauty: He's attractive, but really, really stupid.
    • Later averted in the series finale when after he starts dating Evelyn Kwong he becomes smarter.
  • Cloud Cuckoolander
    Seth: I had a hall pass, but I think I ate it.
    Seth: But reading is so important! It's like meat...for your brain.
  • The Ditz
  • Dumb Blonde: He can't read, he has issues with spelling simple words, and he always gets stuck on writing a poem because he can't figure out what rhymes with "orange."
  • Dumb Jock
  • L Is for Dyslexia: It's implied that he might be this.
  • Lovable Jock: He's not mean at all, just incredibly dense.
  • Popular Is Dumb: He's considered one of the cool kids.
  • Pretty Boy

Missy Meany

Carlie Casey
The most popular girl in school and a total bitch. Eventually develops a psychotic obsession with Ned.

  • Alliterative Name
  • Alpha Bitch
  • Asshole Victim: Not murder, but still. Yes, what Ned did to her in Guide To: Revenge was mean, but admit it, you felt a bit satisfied watching her suffer (or, her idea of suffering) too.
  • Blondes are Evil
  • Clingy Jealous Girl: To an extreme degree. In addition to giving us the page quote, she scares off any female except Moze who get's remotely close to Ned until he fakes dating Moze just to drive her off.
    Ned: Missy, I've found someone else.
    Missy: You're so cute when you say things that will get you and whoever you're talking about severely injured.
  • Jerkass
  • Mad Love: Towards Ned.
    Moze: If you don't like Missy, why don't you just tell her?
    Ned: Because reason doesn't work on crazy people!
  • Meaningful Name: She's a mean girl.
  • Rich Bitch: She's able to loan Ned and Cookie $50 (she apparently carries $50 bills in her wallet), and dated Loomer just to freak her parents out enough to send her to Paris for vacation.
  • Stalker with a Crush: On Ned.
  • Suspiciously Similar Substitute: There was a different Alpha Bitch named "Bitsy" in a couple episodes of Season 1. Missy took over in Season 2 and Bitsy vanished without a trace.
  • Yandere: To Ned.

Famen Fourtune

Vinicius Machado
Moze's Brazilian love interest for Season 3.

Coconut Head

Rob Pinkston
A kid with a bowl haircut.

Martin Qwerly

Tylor Chase
A peppy overachiever and Motor Mouth.

Backpack Boy

Kendre Berry
A boy whose always wearing a backpack, and has a wide collection of them for any occasion.

Claire Sawyer, Future Lawyer

Brooke Marie Bridges
A girl who plans on becoming a lawyer and thus plays lawyer to the main and side characters on numerous occasions.

  • Adorably Precocious Child: Has her moments.
  • Ambulance Chaser: She works with her fellow middle schoolers and will work up lawsuits on anyone someone asks her to, no matter how ridiculous the case is.
  • Beta Couple: With Backpack Boy
  • Catchphrase: "Claire Sawyer, Future Lawyer."
  • The Comically Serious
  • Phrase Catcher: To her Catchphrase, people always reply with, "Claire. We've known ya since pre-K."
  • Running Gag: Whenever a character has a problem, she'll always appear, hand them a business card, and say her Catchphrase.
    • Ironically the one time Ned deliberately called for her, she didn't appear right away. Ned had to actually shout her name for her to show up.
  • The Stoic:
    Backpack Boy gives Claire a valentine.
    Claire (With no expression): This is funny.
    Backpack Boy: But you're not laughing.
    Claire (Mad): Yes, I am.
  • Token Minority Couple: With Backpack Boy.
  • Tsundere: Again, to Backpack Boy.

The Huge Crew

A group of bullies who stalk Ned.

Evelyn Kwong

Michelle Kim
Cookie's competitive academic rival. She hates Cookie at first but eventually she falls in love with him.

Timmy Toot-Toot

A classmate with a farting problem


Vincent Martella
The school newshound and photographer.

The Oboe Twins

A pair of twin girls who play the oboe.

  • Creepy Twins: They're very nice, but are way, way too alike to not be this trope.
  • Single-Minded Twins: To the extreme. They almost never do anything apart, and whenever they do, they immediately start copying the nearest person to replace their twin.
  • Shrinking Violet: Both of them are very shy, and rarely talk to anyone but each other.
  • Think Twins: They're among the smartest kids in school, even being part of Ned's math study group for a while.



"But that's it! Today is also the weasel's last day at school!"
Darrin Norris

"You know, if I did my job once in a while, you wouldn't even need that [school beautification] squad."

The school Day Janitor who helps the kids with their problems and is essentially a fourth member of the main trio.

Vice-Principal Crubbs

Hamilton Mitchell
The Vice Principal of the School who acts like a cop and hams it up.

Mr. Sweeney

Don Creech
The science teacher who is seen as a Sadist Teacher by most of the students.

Mr./Dr. Wright

Meshach Taylor
The season 2 history teacher and Season 3 principal after Principal Pal retires

Mr. Chopsaw

Dave Florek
The Woodshop Teacher and Moze's mentor.


Mo Collins
A teacher who uses a computer to teach math from home.

  • Noodle Incident: She is terrified of people and no one knows why. She does imply that part of her isolation was a result of overloading her schedule and losing herself to stress. Whatever happened to her was so traumatic that she no longer leaves home. The most she does is communicate with people through a webcam.
  • Sadist Teacher: At first, but it turns out it was a sort of Jerkass Fašade so she wouldn't be scared of her students from that year on. Ironically, it had the opposite effect until she loosened up.

Mr. Monroe

Jim J. Bullock
The flamboyant Life Science and Health teacher, as well as editor of the school newspaper.

Lunch Lady Rose

Loni Love
The school lunch lady who can see the future in beans.

  • Catchphrase: "It's in the BEANS."
  • Cassandra Truth: Every prediction she makes comes true, no matter how ridiculous.
    • She said Cookie would get creamed, mashed, and black eyed. At the end of the episode, he got all those types of things... but they were food instead.
  • Cool Old Lady
  • Fortune Teller: Using her lunch items as a medium to see the future. Or at least, she claims that she can.
  • Sassy Black Woman

Principal Irving Pal

John Bliss
The school's principal, who later becomes the school history teacher after he retires from being the principal.

Mrs. Nap

The former history teacher. Retires later and is replaced by Principal Pal.

  • Meaningful Name: She sleeps. A lot.
  • Lazy Bum: Not only is she always sleeping, but when told to retire her first instinct is to shout "Thank Heavens! I'm outta here!" and bolt through the door.
  • Senior Sleep Cycle

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