Characters: Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide

The characters in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide.

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The Main Trio

     Ned Bigby 
"But they all need my help, and I don't want to let them down!"
Portrayed by: Devon Werkheiser

"Mr. Wiener's the one who told me to start a school journal after I got stuck in the girl's bathroom. Eventually, it became the Guide."

The Hero and a fairly nice average guy who gives people tips to survive school and often comes up with zany schemes to tackle his problems.

  • Adorably Precocious Child
  • All-Loving Hero: Even though he has his jerk moments, Ned Bigby does not hate anybody, and he always gives advice to those in trouble, whether he or she is a student or a teacher. He hates letting people down so much that his bad habit in Guide to: Bad Habits was saying yes to everyone. This trope is Averted at times like when he was the Revenger in one episode, but at end of that same episode, he realizes that revenge is wrong.
  • Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: Has trouble concentrating, which does get him in trouble sometimes (okay, a lot!) This is also why he had trouble focusing on his project in Guide to: Procrastination until three days before it was due.
  • Badass Longcoat: As the Revenger.
  • Book Dumb: Though he can get good grades when he's willing to put in the work. See Brilliant but Lazy.
  • Borrowed Catchphrase: In "Guide to: Elections", Ned says "D'oh!" after Suzie Crabgrass offers him a free candy bar which says "Ned is a TOTAL LOSER / VOTE SUZIE!" (on the wrapper) and he gullibly accepts.note 
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: He does this all the time to deliver tips to the audience.
  • Butt Monkey: At times.
  • Brilliant but Lazy: Lampshaded by Mr. Sweeney in Guide to: Science Fairs.
    Mr. Sweeney: Ned is smart but lazy, thus causing him to do poorly in science.
  • Chick Magnet: Popular and pretty girls like Moze, Suzie and Missy were all interested in him at different times. And there's the "Huge Crew", a group of Abhorrent Admirers who stalk Ned.
  • Childhood Friend Romance: With Moze.
  • Cool Loser: He's very friendly and open towards everyone and gives great tips, but he isn't very popular.
  • Cool Shades: As the Revenger.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Mostly towards Cookie.
  • Dogged Nice Guy: Concerning Suzie in the first two seasons.
  • The Everyman: He's a fairly average middle school student. He's not exceptional at anything (unlike Cookie, who excels at academics, and Moze, who excels at everything), and gets average to low grades.
  • Genius Ditz: He may be Book Dumb, but he gives excellent tips.
  • The Hero: His name is in the title.
  • Ideal Hero
  • The Kirk: To Moze's The Spock and Cookie's The McCoy.
  • Masculine Girl, Feminine Boy: The Feminine Boy to Moze's Masculine Girl. (One of two)
  • Nice Guy: He's always willing to help by giving his famous Survival Guide tips. He's so willing to help out, in fact, that his bad habit in Guide to: Bad Habits was saying yes to everyone.
  • Odd Name Out: He is the only one of the main three who doesn't go by a nickname. Lampshaded in Guide to: Nicknames.
  • Official Couple: With Moze.
  • Only Sane Man: Along with Moze, arguably.
  • The Protagonist: He's the one delivering all the tips and the one who can always break the fourth wall, unlike Moze and Cookie. (Moze can only break it on occasion, and Cookie acknowledged it a few times through use of the Aside Glance, but never broke it.)
  • Ridiculously Average Guy
  • Straight Man: Shares this role with Moze.
  • Unwanted Harem: The "Huge Crew" and Missy all vie for his affections.
  • Tiny Guy, Huge Girl: Initially he was the Tiny Guy to Moze's Huge Girl. He got taller though and in the last season they were the same height.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: Mostly with Moze, sometimes with Cookie.

     Jennifer "Moze" Mosely 
"I'm not competitive, I just never like to lose."
Portrayed by: Lindsey Shaw

"Whenever I give you advice - and it's great advice, created by the superior girl mind - you ignore it and go to Gordy for a man-plan!"

The sensible and snarky, as well as the aggressive, competitive and athletic, one of the main trio, who has the most common sense of the group and has never really been "one of the girls."

  • Academic Athlete: She's captain of the volleyball team, holds many school athletic records (including the one for holding the most records), and is also a straight-A student.
  • The Ace: She holds more athletic records than anyone else in Polk history, and is the star pupil of her woodshop class.
  • Action Girl
  • Badass Adorable: She's a lot stronger than she looks.
  • Badbutt: She trash-talks, but, to keep her trash-talking within the bounds of a kid's show, half of what she says during her trash-talks in Guide to: Bad Habits are covered by the referee's whistle.
  • The Big Girl: Moze is easily the strongest of the trio and, before Cookie hit his growth spurt, was the tallest as well. She's beaten Ned and Cookie up many times, shoved Ned against a locker during her "anger" phase of the Five Stages of Grief when she lost her backpack, beat Loomer up after he gave Ned a huge wedgie in the third grade and, more recently, flipped him in Guide to: Gym, was able to send Loomer and his posse running just by threatening to beat them up, and was able to beat all the boys on Polk's wrestling team in wrestling practice without breaking a sweat.
  • Brainy Brunette: She has the most common sense of the group, and her grades are definitely not shabby, what with her being a straight A student.
  • Bully Hunter: On occasion.
  • Childhood Friend Romance: With Ned.
  • Closer to Earth: To most of the school, and especially to Ned and Cookie (though Ned's Only Sane Man role sometimes takes this role), although that isn't always saying much: she can be quite kooky and obsessive herself.
  • Competition Freak: She's very aggressive and competitive, especially against Suzie Crabgrass, even after they become friends.
  • Cool Loser: Though she's actually quite popular.
  • Cute Bruiser: She may be cute looking but has absolutely no problem with beating the stuffing out of anyone who pisses her off.
    Moze: *to Loomer and his gang* If there were ever a time to beat someone up for no reason, it would be now.
    Loomer, Crony, and Buzz: *run away*
  • Deadpan Snarker: Every other sentence she utters is sarcastic.
  • Deuteragonist
  • Double Standard: Abuse, Female on Male: She punches and beats up Ned and Cookie regularly. She sort of gets called out on her bullying ways in Guide to: Bullies, but she doesn't actually change anything or do anything about them after the episode.
  • Dude Magnet: She has attracted the attention of many guys, such as Seth, Loomer, Faymen, Jock Goldman, and, of course, Ned.
  • Fascinating Eyebrow: Does this on occasion.
  • First Girl Wins: Female protagonist and The Hero's best friend since childhood...they become an Official Couple in the last season.
  • Friendly Rivalry: With Suzie, after befriending her.
    Moze: I don't think we're supposed to turn everything into a death match.
    Suzie: Yeah, I know. We've been kicked out of every club.
    Moze: (beat) I'm having fun!
    Suzie: Me, too!
  • Genius Bruiser: Part of her The Ace status. She's the strongest and most athletic of the trio, and also a very smart girl. See Academic Athlete.
  • Genre Savvy: She's good at picking up on when Ned's plans are doomed to fail.
  • Girl Next Door: She's been next-door neighbors with Ned for her whole life.
  • Go-Getter Girl
  • Hair-Trigger Temper: Just ask Ned and Cookie.
  • Height Angst: She has a whole subplot dedicated to her being much taller than the other girls at school. This becomes meaningless later on in the series when the other characters get older.
  • Heroic BSOD: Happens when she thought she hurt Coconut Head during a game of dodge ball. She didn't
  • Huge Schoolgirl: Lampshaded in Guide to: Your Body, which dealt with her self-consciousness about her height. According to Lindsey Shaw's IMDb page in December 2007 she was 5'7" (170cm), two years after the episode was made.
  • I Just Want to Have Friends: Her goal in the first two seasons is to get a best female friend.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Moze is short-tempered, aggressive, and sarcastic, and she frequently insults Ned and Cookie, but she does care about them and is usually willing to help in whatever way she can.
  • The Lancer: She's smart, competitive, and hard-working, unlike the lazy and laid-back Ned.
  • Lovable Jock
  • Masculine Girl, Feminine Boy: Masculine Girl to Ned's and Cookie's Feminine Boy.
  • Not So Above It All: She is typically the sanest one, but she has her moments of lapses in sanity and reason.
  • Official Couple: With Ned.
  • Offscreen Teleportation: Does this from time to time.
  • One of the Boys: Her best friend is Ned, she hangs out mostly with Ned and Cookie, she doesn't have any actual female friends, hates skirts (and had to be dared to wear a flowery dress), likes sports, couldn't care less about many girly things, such as boy bands and gossip, trash-talks during volleyball games (according to Coach Dirga, Moze gives some of the best (and worst) trash-talks she's ever heard), can and does beat people up, and is aggressively athletic and very competitive.
    Principal Pal: Hello, son. (shakes Moze's hand)
    Moze: I'm a girl.
    Pal: Not with that handshake, you're not.
  • One Steve Limit: In-Universe. Ned gave her the nickname of Moze in Kindergarten because there were three Jennifers in the class.
  • Only Known by Their Nickname: Subverted. While fans of the show always refer to her as Moze, all the characters in-universe, except Ned, Cookie and Gordy, usually call her Jennifer.
  • Only Sane Woman: Shares this role with Ned, most of the time.
  • Passionate Sports Girl: Naturally. She is the athlete of the group, after all.
  • Sarcastic Devotee: She always has Ned's back, but she doesn't hesitate to snarkily point out flaws in his plans.
  • Short Tank
  • Single Girl Seeks Most Popular Guy: Seth Powers, the Dumb Jock, in season 1.
  • Snark Knight
  • Sour Supporter: Sometimes.
  • Spanner in the Works: She does tend to ruin things for Ned, MANY times, sometimes accidentally.
  • The Spock: To Cookie's The McCoy and Ned's The Kirk.
  • Straight Man: Shares this role with Ned.
  • Tall, Dark and Snarky: She's 5'7", has dark hair and tannish skin, and hoo boy is she snarky.
  • Temporarily a Villain: Moze was an antagonist in "Procrastination."
  • Tiny Guy, Huge Girl: Initially the Huge Girl to Ned's Tiny Guy. Ned got taller though and in the last season they were the same height.
  • Tomboy: Very much so, she's tough-as-nails, athletic, aggressive, One of the Boys and doesn't like dressing girly. She also loves woodshop.
  • Tomboy and Girly Girl: Tomboy to Suzie's girly girl
  • Tomboyish Name: "Moze" is not a very girly nickname.
  • Tomboy with a Girly Streak: She still has some girly interests, such as boys, shopping, and going to the spa, and she has a crush on the Big Man on Campus. Also, she may be One of the Boys but actually wants to find female friends.
  • Tsundere: May qualify as a Type A.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: She flings insults and punches at Ned and Cookie, but it's obvious she sees them as her closest friends.
  • Women Are Wiser: She is the sensible one of the main trio, and is usually the voice of reason.
  • You Go Girl

     Simon Nelson "Cookie" Cook 
"Why aren't I more popular? Look at me, I'm gorgeous."
Portrayed by: Daniel Curtis Lee

"I'll handle this. First of all, I'm a technical whiz. Also, you guys are useless on Mondays."

The nerd of the group and a self-proclaimed cyborg who also gets caught up in wacky schemes, usually lacking even more in the common sense department than Ned.

  • Adorkable: Has his moments.
  • Attractive Bent-Gender: In-Universe, as "Simone"
  • Beware the Nice Ones: When he lost his temper in Guide to: Dodgeball after Loomer's dodgeball damaged his videocamera helmet, he threw the dodgeball so hard it knocked Crony out. This, unfortunately, also allows Loomer to be able to turn him to the "dark side."
    Cookie: I'm sorry! I guess I just...lost my temper.
    Loomer: And how did it feel?
    Cookie: It felt...really good.
  • Black and Nerdy
  • Black Best Friend: To Ned and Moze.
  • Butt Monkey: Is subject to a lot of slapstick at his expense and his best friends frequently make fun of him (though it's generally good-natured teasing).
  • Cloud Cuckoo Lander
  • Corrupt the Cutie: A mild example in Guide to: Dodgeball, when Loomer convinces him to give in to his anger and join the "dark side" of the dodgeball court. He gets better, though.
    Ned: Cookie, you're on Loomer's team?!
    Cookie: *in a robotic voice thanks to his helmet* The power of the dark side is strong.
    • Nearly happened because of the influence of the Killer Bees in Guide to: Best Friends.
  • Chew Toy
  • Ditzy Genius: He is incredibly smart (his grades are so high that, in seventh grade, his teachers recommended he skip eighth grade), but he is severely lacking in common sense.
  • Expy: Seems to be a reference to the infamous Steve Urkel.
  • Extraverted Nerd: He thinks he's God's gift to the ladies.
    Cookie: I was handsome before, but now with my braces off, I'm gorgeous.
  • Gadgeteer Genius: He's always coming up with one crazy invention or another, from his glasses that have an operating system, to his Cram-master, to his Maxoskeleton that he made for the science fair.
    Vice Principal Crubbs: (while being held hostage by Cookie's Tunnel Bot) Cook! I should have known this evil robot belonged to you!
  • The Heart
  • High Hopes, Zero Talent: Regarding his wanting to be a cheerleader.
  • Hot-Blooded
  • In Touch with His Feminine Side: He likes braiding hair, desperately wants to be a cheerleader, loves girly books, likes getting his nails done, got so attached to the baby doll he and Ned had to take care of in life science class that he took it home for the holidays so that it wouldn't feel lonely, and has worn skirts more often than Moze (though this is in part because Moze hates skirts).
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: He tends to be self-centered and is almost constantly trying to find new ways to con others or avoid doing work, but he's a good guy at his core.
  • Large Ham: At times, but it is a kid's show and he is only marginally worse than the others.
  • Lovable Nerd
  • Mad Scientist: Has his moments.
  • Masculine Girl, Feminine Boy: Feminine Boy to Moze's Masculine Girl. (One of two)
  • The McCoy: To Moze's The Spock and Ned's The Kirk.
  • Nerd Glasses: Though he doesn't seem to need them to see, since he's been able to spend large parts of certain episodes without them with no adverse effects. He has them because they have an operating system inside, so he can use them as a computer.
  • The Nicknamer: For one episode, "Guide to: Nicknames." He creates a nicknaming program that creates nicknames based on characteristics entered into it. Unfortunately, the nicknames the program creates are pretty hurtful...
  • Only Known by Their Nickname: The only people who call him Simon are Lisa Zemo and some of the teachers.
  • Purely Aesthetic Glasses: Played With. He doesn't actually need his glasses to see, but he has them for use as a computer, since he programmed an operating system in them.
  • Small Name, Big Ego
  • The Smart Guy: Though lacking in the common sense department, he is definitely very intelligent, having the highest grades in school and inventing many interesting gadgets. In terms of book-smarts, he is the smartest of the trio.
  • Smart People Wear Glasses
  • Teen Genius: He could have skipped the eighth grade, and usually has the best grades in all of Polk Middle School.
  • Token Minority Couple: His love interests were black (Vanessa), Hispanic (Lisa) and Asian (Evelyn).
  • Tritagonist

Recurring Characters

     Other Students 

Suzie Crabgrass

Portrayed by: Christian Serratos
One of the most popular girls in school and the object of Ned's affection for the first two seasons and girlfriend in the third, as well as Moze's best friend who's a girl and volleyball co-captain.

Billy Loomer

Portrayed by: Kyle Swann
The school bully who frequently targets Ned and has a crush on Moze. He dated Suzie for most of season 2.

Lisa Zemo

Portrayed by: Rachel Sibner
A nerdy girl with a crush on Cookie that he generally ignored for seasons 1 and 2. Eventually had her braces removed and got contacts, getting the attention of a considerable amount of boys, including Cookie.

  • Abhorrent Admirer: To Cookie in the first two seasons.
  • Beautiful All Along: In season 3.
  • Gasshole: Only for one episode, where she burped the alphabet for a talent show and was seen practicing her burping beforehand.
  • Hollywood Nerd
  • Meganekko
  • Sickly Neurotic Geek: She started off with braces, Nerd Glasses, and a perpetually stuffy nose. Subverted, however, because a season or two later she comes back looking less nerdy and on a new allergy medication. One episode has her temporarily revert to this, as she had allergies again and had to wear hypoallergenic clothing and glasses. This time without the curly hair and braces, though.
  • Unrequited Love Switcheroo: With Cookie.

Seth Powers

Portrayed by: Alex Black
A dumb basketball player and Moze's love interest in season 1 and 2.

  • Brainless Beauty: He's attractive, but really, really stupid.
    • Later averted in the series finale when after he starts dating Evelyn Kwong he becomes smarter.
  • Cloud Cuckoolander
    Seth: I had a hall pass, but I think I ate it.
    Seth: But reading is so important! It's like meat...for your brain.
  • The Ditz
  • Dumb Blonde: He can't read, he has issues with spelling simple words, and he always gets stuck on writing a poem because he can't figure out what rhymes with "orange."
  • Dumb Jock
  • L Is for Dyslexia: It's implied that he might be this.
  • Lovable Jock: He's not mean at all, just incredibly dense.
  • Popular Is Dumb: He's considered one of the cool kids.
  • Pretty Boy

Missy Meany

Portrayed by: Carlie Casey
The most popular girl in school and a total bitch. Eventually develops a psychotic obsession with Ned.

  • Alliterative Name: Missy Meany.
  • Alpha Bitch: She's the most popular girl in school, and also the meanest.
  • Asshole Victim: Not murder, but still. Yes, what Ned did to her in Guide To: Revenge was mean, but admit it, you felt a bit satisfied watching her suffer (or, her idea of suffering) too.
  • Blondes Are Evil
  • Clingy Jealous Girl: To an extreme degree. In addition to giving us the page quote, she scares off any female except Moze who get's remotely close to Ned until he fakes dating Moze just to drive her off.
    Ned: Missy, I've found someone else.
    Missy: You're so cute when you say things that will get you and whoever you're talking about severely injured.
  • Jerkass: Possibly the biggest one among the students - Loomer, at least, can be fairly chummy when he's not being a jerk. Missy's never shown being anything other than unpleasant.
  • Mad Love: Towards Ned.
    Moze: If you don't like Missy, why don't you just tell her?
    Ned: Because reason doesn't work on crazy people!
  • Meaningful Name: She's a mean girl.
  • Rich Bitch: She's able to loan Ned and Cookie $50 (she apparently carries $50 bills in her wallet), and dated Loomer just to freak her parents out enough to send her to Paris for vacation.
  • Stalker with a Crush: On Ned.
  • Suspiciously Similar Substitute: There was a different Alpha Bitch named "Bitsy" in a couple episodes of Season 1. Missy took over in Season 2 and Bitsy vanished without a trace.
  • Yandere: To Ned.

Famen Fourtune

Portrayed by: Vinicius Machado
Moze's Brazilian love interest for Season 3.

Coconut Head

Portrayed by: Rob Pinkston
A kid with a bowl haircut.

Martin Qwerly

Portrayed by: Tylor Chase
A peppy overachiever and Motor Mouth.

  • Butt Monkey
  • Hidden Depths: Despite being unbelievably hyper, he lives a secret double life as a signature forger for hire
  • Keet
  • Meaningful Name: A play on the words "smart 'n' squirrely", which he is indeed.
    • Lampshaded in his first appearance, where Ned provides Martin as an example of a "smart 'n' squirrely" project partner.
  • Motor Mouth: To the point where Ned can replace himself with a cardboard cutout and Martin will still go on for a couple hours. Often accompanied by a Leitmotif.
  • Punny Name: See Meaningful Name

Backpack Boy

Portrayed by: Kendre Berry
A boy whose always wearing a backpack, and has a wide collection of them for any occasion.

Claire Sawyer, Future Lawyer

Portrayed by: Brooke Marie Bridges
A girl who plans on becoming a lawyer and thus plays lawyer to the main and side characters on numerous occasions.

  • Adorably Precocious Child: Has her moments.
  • Ambulance Chaser: She works with her fellow middle schoolers and will work up lawsuits on anyone someone asks her to, no matter how ridiculous the case is.
  • Beta Couple: With Backpack Boy
  • Catchphrase: "Claire Sawyer, Future Lawyer."
  • The Comically Serious
  • Phrase Catcher: To her Catchphrase, people always reply with, "Claire. We've known ya since pre-K."
  • Running Gag: Whenever a character has a problem, she'll always appear, hand them a business card, and say her Catchphrase.
    • Ironically the one time Ned deliberately called for her, she didn't appear right away. Ned had to actually shout her name for her to show up.
  • The Stoic:
    Backpack Boy gives Claire a valentine.
    Claire (With no expression): This is funny.
    Backpack Boy: But you're not laughing.
    Claire (Mad): Yes, I am.
  • Token Minority Couple: With Backpack Boy.
  • Tsundere: Again, to Backpack Boy.

The Huge Crew

A group of bullies who stalk Ned.

Evelyn Kwong

Cookie's intellectual rival... don't get her mad at you!
Portrayed by: Michelle Kim
Cookie's competitive academic rival. She hates Cookie at first, but eventually develops feelings for him.

Timmy Toot-Toot

A classmate with a farting problem

Scoop

Portrayed by: Vincent Martella
The school newshound and photographer.

The Oboe Twins

A pair of twin girls who play the oboe.

  • Creepy Twins: They're very nice, but are way, way too alike to not be this trope.
  • Single-Minded Twins: To the extreme. They almost never do anything apart, and whenever they do, they immediately start copying the nearest person to replace their twin.
  • Shrinking Violet: Both of them are very shy, and rarely talk to anyone but each other.
  • Think Twins: They're among the smartest kids in school, even being part of Ned's math study group for a while.

     Faculty 

Gordy

"But that's it! Today is also the weasel's last day at school!"
Portrayed by: Darrin Norris

"You know, if I did my job once in a while, you wouldn't even need that [school beautification] squad."

The school Day Janitor who helps the kids with their problems and is essentially a fourth member of the main trio.

Vice-Principal Crubbs

Portrayed by: Hamilton Mitchell
The Vice Principal of the School who acts like a cop and hams it up.

Mr. Sweeney

Portrayed by: Don Creech
The science teacher who is seen as a Sadist Teacher by most of the students.

Mr./Dr. Wright

Portrayed by: Meshach Taylor
The season 2 history teacher and Season 3 principal after Principal Pal retires

Mr. Chopsaw

Portrayed by: Dave Florek
The Woodshop Teacher and Moze's mentor.

iTeacher

Portrayed by: Mo Collins
A teacher who uses a computer to teach English Lit from home.

  • Noodle Incident: She is terrified of people and no one knows why. She does imply that part of her isolation was a result of overloading her schedule and losing herself to stress. Whatever happened to her was so traumatic that she no longer leaves home. The most she does is communicate with people through a webcam.
  • Sadist Teacher: At first, but it turns out it was a sort of Jerkass Fašade so she wouldn't be scared of her students from that year on. Ironically, it had the opposite effect until she loosened up.

Mr. Monroe

Portrayed by: Jim J. Bullock
The flamboyant Life Science and Health teacher, as well as editor of the school newspaper.

Lunch Lady Rose

Portrayed by: Loni Love
The school lunch lady who can see the future in beans.

  • Catchphrase: "It's in the BEANS."
  • Cassandra Truth: Every prediction she makes comes true, no matter how ridiculous.
    • She said Cookie would get creamed, mashed, and black eyed. At the end of the episode, he got all those types of things... but they were food instead.
  • Cool Old Lady
  • Fortune Teller: Using her lunch items as a medium to see the future. Or at least, she claims that she can.
  • Sassy Black Woman

Principal Irving Pal

Portrayed by: John Bliss
The school's principal, who later becomes the school history teacher after he retires from being the principal.

Mrs. Knapp

The former history teacher. Retires later and is replaced by Principal Pal.

  • Meaningful Name: She sleeps. A lot.
  • Lazy Bum: Not only is she always sleeping, but when told to retire her first instinct is to shout "Thank Heavens! I'm outta here!" and bolt through the door.
  • Senior Sleep Cycle